89: Stuck In Purgatory

Direct from the Brozki Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Brozki Report with your host, Brittany Brozki. Your eyes, I will drive them home. I am by your side when time is up. And friends just can't be found like a bridge over. Troubled waters. Hey guys, welcome back to the Brozki Report. I'm off the Paul Meskel water cup today. I'm off the P-P-P-P-Paul Meskel pack. I love Paul Meskel. Guys, the energy of today is feeling a bit like Mad Scientist. I'm feeling a bit like, ah, yes, welcome to my show. Who are you, boy? Ah, yes, welcome. That's how I'm feeling, okay? Because- Because let me sort of give you an update on what's- Let me give you- Why does that come out sometimes? Let me go down and give you- This is a constant exercise in what I like to call the be normal experiment, where case after case, day after day, episode after episode, I fail. And it's a beautiful study on the human, uh, the human brain. Guys, what the fuck was I about to say? Oh, yeah, I'm feeling- Here's what's going on in my body right now. I can't have caffeine, I guess, question mark, because my gallbladder, or lack thereof. And, uh, at least for like four to six weeks is what all of the websites and the doctors and surgeons are telling me, okay? It's what they're telling me. And it has something to do with the liver. There's a lot of stress on my liver right now, okay? My liver just got promoted. My liver just sort of got promoted to COO of my body because gallbladder- Quit. Gallbladder went ahead and stood up and said, I can't fucking do this anymore. I quit and stormed out. Didn't even take her stuff with her, you know? Actually, she did. She took her gallstones with her. And so now there's extra stress on my liver. And because of that, I can't drink. I can't have fatty foods because I don't want a fatty liver, okay? Last thing you want, the last thing you'd want in your body chemistry is a fatty liver. Turns out that might be exactly- See what you got. You can't have a fatty litter. What? Fatty liver! So I'm really trying not to put too much stress on my body and on the detoxifier in my body, which is my liver. And because of that, they've told me to limit caffeine. So I'm doing that. I'm raw-dogging this today, okay? That's a lie. Actually, because what I did- What I did just now is I had a drink. I don't know this brand. I literally saw it on Instacart and I said, let's figure out what's going on there. It's called- It's called Haywell? This is not sponsored, okay? I just saw this and it was marketed as like a- It's a sparkling water. Because now I have to look at the ingredients, okay? You know I love Red Bull. You know, I could just, with my mouth closed and eyes shut and with just my nose, I could be like, that's a blueberry Red Bull. I don't know if I can do it anymore. There's so much extra ingredients in Red Bull. I miss it, though. For at least the next month, I need to take- Take it easy. I'm not really doing battery acid on the stomach right now. I can't really do that. Even coffee, I'm like, am I going to die? Because if I start vomiting with no- Oh, I can't imagine. It's going to be so painful. Anyway, I tried one of these because it said that it's got- It's all like organic fucking, I don't know. And so I tried one. Tasted good. I got the cherry limeade one and it's got 75 milligrams of caffeine in it. I don't really feel any different. But then again, I just- I just cooked- I just Anthony Bourdain-ed it up in the kitchen for about two and a half hours off the hay well. So maybe I expended all my energy there. So here I'm kind of feeling like- I'm kind of feeling like mad scientist, mad writer, right? Which is, by the way, my dream. Because in my head, okay, where am I in 15 years? 15 years, I'll be- Hey, Siri. Seven plus 15. 27 plus 15 is 42. 42. Okay, I'll be 42 in 15 years. I'll be 42. And here's my dream, okay? I have a home library. Library. And in this library is all the books I've collected over the last 15 years. I've kind of got something going here, okay? I just went to the bookstore today, picked up the Iliad, the Odyssey. I picked up Sunrise on the Reaping. Thank you. I picked up, what else? Oh, Circe. I went to the bookstore with one book in mind. I was like, I'm only getting Circe. Because I just finished Song of Achilles. I will get to that. I will get to that. Let me get to it. And I was like, I'm on this Madeline Miller kick. I got to go pick up Circe. Because all the girls are telling me you got to read Circe. It's even more devastating. It's their favorite book of all time. Okay, I believe you. So I went to my local Barnes & Noble. And I went ahead and picked up Circe. And then about six other books. Fuck! So what else did I get? I got, I got another, it was like for fans of Song of Achilles. It was another sort of modern retelling of Greek mythology. And I can't remember the name. I wish, it's in my office. Anyway, my dream in 15 years is I have a home library that's full of both the classics. I'll have a classics shelf. I'll have a shelf for like my favorite books. And then all the other ones. You know what I mean? And then the beautiful thing about that is I have always wanted my home to be like the hosting home. I want all my friends to come over and just like my home is your home sort of thing. Whenever I have a friend stay with me, I'm like, that is your wing of the house. You go ahead, just do whatever you need to do to that bathroom. You need a drink, go get you one from the fridge. I hear where all the glasses are. Like make yourself at home. The library situation, I see this being a sort of gentleman's lounge vibe. Wooden walls. Wooden bookshelves. deep mahogany, leather-covered chair, big desk, those brass banker's lamps, lots of natural sunlight, nice, like, mahogany, or not mahogany, maroon rug and curtains. Like, I want it to feel luxury. Like, old British smokers club. Not smokers. Like, you know, like a gentleman's smoke room. Art on the walls. Like, that's my vibe. And right now, I'm kind of working. I've got my little, you know, I got my little shelf from Facebook Marketplace, and I've hung up my stuff on the walls, whatever. But it's not there. This room over here, this house, I'm renting this house. Love it. Okay, I'm very comfortable here. But at the same time, it's not exactly where I want it to be. And so, that is my dream in the next 15 years, is that I have established that room that is the perfect creative space to just go in there and do whatever I need to do. And it can be messy. In fact, the messier, the better. Because when you go in to someone's study, and it's perfectly clean, hey, you're not studying in here, man. I don't believe you for a fucking second that you're cooking something up in here. It needs to be disheveled and, like, stacks of books, and this, that, and the other, and, like, dead plants. But then this one's alive, because it's just, like, I want there to be life in that room. And I'll get there eventually. I just hung a bunch of fake plants in mine, because I kill anything. But I've got a brown thumb, okay? I got a brown thumb, and it's not from wiping bad, okay? My brown thumb is because I kill plants by accident. Anyway, that's my dream, okay? So, I'm working on it. I went to the bookstore today. There's also this other cool, I've talked about it before, I think it's this other used bookstore near my house, like, secondhand books, and it's massive. And I go in there when I'm looking for older stuff. Like, I picked up the Iliad at that store. And I'm like, I'm going to go in there when I'm looking for older stuff. But they didn't have Circe, because it's weird. They'll have, like, you know, they had the new Suzanne Collins, the Hunger Games one, and then they had, they always have Sarah J Maas and shit like that. But it's weird. Like, it's hit or miss when it comes to modern books. Anyway, what the fuck was I about to say? Song of Achilles. Okay, y'all. Song of Achilles. Here's my book review. Okay. So, I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to go in there, Okay, let me give an overview for the girls that don't read, can't read, don't plan on learning to read. Totally fine. Okay, that's what an audio format is for. Okay, so I'm here to sort of help you with that. Song of Achilles is, like I said, a modern retelling of classic Greek mythology, with a little twist. Okay. This is a romance book, but it's also fucking devastating. And I'm going to try to talk about it without revealing the end. I feel like everyone knows Achilles dies. Right? That's kind of like his thing. He dies. Every story, okay, bro's going to die. Bro died. That's sort of his legacy. but he was a hero. He was supposed to be this never-before-seen, you know, Hercules-level hero. And someone commented some bullshit under this TikTok I posted of me crying about it where they said, oh my god, I'm gonna freak out. They said, in another life, it was love, not rage, that killed Achilles or something like that. No, they said, in another lifetime, it was love, not rage, that motivated Achilles or something like that. And I had completely fucked up the quote just now, so I ruined the moment. I'm sorry about that. Fuck. She probably don't even want to read the fucking book now. Sorry. Anyway, I'm really not, you know, I've never been a Greek mythology girl. I've never been like, oh yes, Helios, the brother of, I don't know. I don't give a fuck. I've never, it's been too much. Anytime I sit down to watch one of those four-hour YouTube videos where I'm like, time to lock in, time to learn, they're like, and then Athena is the sister of all sleep. Because it's always those, like, the cadence of those videos is, and then in the 100th century BC, Athena. It's just like, I'm, they don't even try to make it out. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm spewing off facts about it. Tell it to me like a story so I know these gods and goddesses and these nymphs in the story. Like, I want to be involved. Song of Achilles is the first ever retelling of a story that's made me have a personal stake in these characters. And of course, because it's a modern thing. Anyway, Song of Achilles, you know what I mean? Anyway, Song of Achilles, is about the companionship. And by that, I mean homoerotic gayness shared between Achilles and his companion, Patroclus. Okay? It is told from Patroclus' perspective of how he comes to meet Achilles. They were boys together, and he loved him through his whole life till the very fucking end. And it is a beautiful, beautiful story. And it is a story. And it's devastating. And I really like Madeline Miller's writing. I think it's very straightforward. It's very to the point. And it's very packed with emotion. I found myself wanting to get through the story really quickly, not because, you know, I was bored or I wanted to finish, but because I was excited. Like, I needed to know what happened next. And in doing that, I found myself missing some of these really impactful, beautifully worded, straight-to-the-point sentences. She would end a paragraph with just something that was so profound. And you miss it if you're just like, okay, I'm going to get on to the next fucking, okay, the Trojan War, when does the Trojan War start? Like, zoom out, or actually zoom in. Take a second to sit with some of the prose that she's created. And it made it even more enjoyable and even more heart-wrenching towards the end, where these small little statements like, I would know the sound of his feet pounding the pavement with my eyes closed. Like, I would know it's him. I would know him in any lifetime. It's just, it's devastating, like, the attention to detail. Because you know, if you've ever been in love with someone, infatuated with someone, obsessed, addicted to someone, it is the little things like that that you revel in. Like, when you, maybe this is just me talking about from a lover girl's perspective. Keep that in mind. I'm a lover girl. To my core. It's the small things like that, of the shape of their eyelashes and how the eyelashes rest against their cheeks. You know, the curl of their hair, the smell of them in the morning, things like this that are so intimate and so mundane. And therein lies the precious beauty of it, is that it's something that is adding to this heaping treasure of little things that endear you to this person more. When you're really, you know, in the thick of it, it's those things that make up the larger sentiment of love, you know, or of infatuation or of care. When you care for someone, it's because you pay attention to those little things, you know, little mannerisms, whatever. I think Song of Achilles perfectly encapsulates, it is that to a T. Of when you love someone with all of your being, those little things are everything. And he just, Patrick has, Patroclus loves with everything he is. And he is, dare I say, the better part of Achilles. Okay. Because Achilles, you can be this hero, this famous, you know, son of a goddess and whatever, but like Patroclus is the best part of you. And you realize it too late. And, oh God, it's just, it's hauntingly beautiful. I am going to think about it for a long time. I'm very glad though, that I have a book to jump back into to quell the book hangover, so to speak. Circe so far is, I'm like 20 pages in, sad. And there's a lot of context. This one feels like there's a bit more world building in terms of like, I'm having to Google more, you know, who is Helios and who was he the son of, and you know, the Titans. Like I'm very loosely familiar with all these things because I studied it on what's that fucking app? Nibble. Y'all know about Nibble? I had this phase where I was like, I'm going to be an academic, paid for this fucking app for a year. It was like a hundred something dollars for the year. And I, I was like, I scrolled too much. I do scroll. I'm going to feed my brain. I fell for one of those traps. I use this app maybe four times, never used it again. And good thing I still pay for it. That's awesome. Cause it's just like, you know, in my, when I'm feeling brain dead, the last thing I want to do is go learn something. I want to scroll and I want tea. Say, you know what I mean? One more time. You guys don't fucking know what I mean. No one knows what I mean. Cause I'm saying it for the first time. I don't even know what I mean. So when I did one lesson on Nibble, it was, because I wanted to learn about the Greek gods. And it's also super fucking confusing because the Roman gods that they literally stole from the Greek gods and renamed and made it worse or made it mid is like, you learn one story and then you hear it in another name. And then you're like, well, who the fuck is that? Oh, it's the same. Oh, but it's slightly different because it's Roman. It's just too much. So I'm very loosely familiar with the Titans, the story of Kronos everyone's seen that painting. Let me pull it up of Saturn eating his son. See like our Saturn and Kronos the same. Yes. The Roman gods, Saturn is the equivalent of the Greek Titan Kronos. See what I mean? Kronos both representing the same figure in their respective mythologies. In Greek mythology, Kronos was a Titan, the father of Zeus and other Olympian gods and the ruler of the cosmos before the Olympians. Okay. So keeping that in mind, uh, Saturn devouring his son by Goya. I'm sure y'all have seen this painting before. Uh, I think I mentioned it in my, that old YouTube video I did of why were Goya's paintings so dark. He painted this one kind of later on in his life when he was descending into madness. And this is the story of Kronos. Originally the, the Greek, Titan devouring, uh, not only one of his sons, but multiple of his children, because he feared his sons were going to usurp him or kill him and take his power. And he would not stand for that. So after, you know, this doing this three, four or five times, his wife, Raya took the last son, swapped him for a stone and gave the stone to Kronos and he swallowed the stone and, you know, whatever. And so she took the last boy, raised him outside of the sort of view of Kronos, built him up to be a hero, broke him, killed Kronos. Okay. Killed his father. And this is in a succession, a successional line of, uh, like generational trauma of the same kind because Kronos, you guessed it, killed his dad to take power. And his dad was Uranus. Uranus. In Greek mythology, Kronos, his father was Uranus, the primordial God of the sky. And his mother was Gaia, the goddess of the earth. Okay. So yeah, boom. Kronos was a Titan, the leader of the Titans, and he overthrew his father Uranus with the help of his mother. And so it only makes sense that who, who overthrew, who overthrew Kronos? Zeus, let's fucking go. "Oh, that's right!" In Greek mythology, Kronos was defeated by his son, Zeus, who alongside his siblings overthrew the Titans and established the Olympian gods as rulers. And now that was tea because when Zeus killed Kronos, he freed all of his siblings that were in his father's stomach. Okay, right. It's actually really interesting. Well, duh, it's interesting, but to study all this, because primordial means like foundational making of, you know, the elements, the earth, the world as we know it, any of these gods who were fundamental in the creation of life and forces of nature. So this is really, really cool to think, I mean, who fucking knows? But the origins of these stories, which keeping in mind, were all told orally, really, really cool. And there's so much fucking lore. There's so much fucking lore. There's so much lore. That's why it intimidates me. This is one of the few lessons I studied on Nibble that actually stuck with me, which is cool because now I'm reading Circe and she's, her, Circe's dad is Helios. And Helios is the sun god, or I guess the god of the sun, who every morning rides his chariot across the sky and that is the sunrise and sundown. And the sun god, or I guess the god of the sun, who every morning rides his chariot across the sky and that is the sunrise and sundown. And Helios is a cousin of Oceanus, who is not Poseidon. Okay? And here's another factoid. The Trevi Fountain in Rome, it's the big, big ass fountain, right? All marble, beautiful. I mean, it's astounding how big it is. Because you see photos and you're like, oh, it's some dinkular fountain. No, motherfucker. It is so tall and so wide. It's not Poseidon at the middle. I'm going to pull up a picture. Trevi Fountain. Damn. Big as hell. Okay, so this is the famous Trevi Fountain. By the way, on the back of a government building, just, this is just on the back. This god right here, not Poseidon. That is Oceanus. And these two figures down on the bottom left and bottom right, let me say this and then I'm going to fact check it, okay? One of them is to represent the calm nature of the sea. It's a horse, or it's a, what are those called? Like sea horses. There's a name for it. It's like the front half is a normal horse and the back is a tail. One is to represent the calm nature of the sea and the other is to represent the violent, turbulent, unpredictable nature of the sea. Let me see if I was right. Okay, so back to whatever the hell I was talking about. Circe is the daughter of Helios. Oh, that's what I was saying. Oceanus and Poseidon are two different gods. So let's look up the difference. In Greek mythology, Oceanus is a titan god of the freshwater river that was thought to encircle the earth, while Poseidon is an Olympian god who ruled over the seas and earthquakes. Oceanus was considered the source of all rivers, springs, and seas and the father of all seas. He's often depicted as a powerful old man figure, sometimes with a long beard and flowing robe. Poseidon is the powerful and often volatile god known for his trident and his ability to control the ocean and cause earthquakes. He's often depicted as a bearded man with a trident, sometimes with a crown or a long robe. Here's the difference. Oceanus is a titan, an older generation of gods, while Poseidon is an Olympian, a younger generation. Oceanus ruled over freshwater, while Poseidon ruled over the seas and earthquakes. Oceanus is often portrayed as a more calm and peaceful figure, while Poseidon is known for his temper and violent nature. See, the more you know. Anyway, Circe is the daughter of Helios, the sun god, who is a cousin to Oceanus. And they've just introduced a character called Prometheus, right? Who Prometheus. I'm learning so much, y'all. It's so fun to share it with you. Prometheus was punished by Zeus because Prometheus gave fire and quote-unquote civilization to mortals, to humans. So back when humans were in the cave doing whatever and they couldn't cook and they were eating each other and doing whatever. I don't fucking know, cavemen. Prometheus gave them the gift of fire and organized society. Zeus punished him forever for this because it wasn't his will and banished Prometheus to the underworld where he is trapped forever. And we're coming back in this, where I am in Circe right now, is Prometheus is now facing a new trial where I guess he's gonna, it's his eternal punishment? I don't fucking know. So that's where I'm at. And it's really interesting because Madeline Miller explains. The backstory pretty well. Like, it's pretty understandable. There's a lot of characters. But then again, any fantasy novel or Game of Thrones type book is like, there's so many characters and there's so many lineages and family trees that, okay, you know, I can keep up. And she includes an appendix in the back for if you forget who so-and-so is or whatever. So yeah, that's, I'm enjoying it. And after I finish Circe, I'm gonna go back to. Clytemnestra? Whatever the fuck her name is. And who is she the daughter of? Clytemnestra? Wife of Agamemnon? No way. The king of Mycenae? Mycenae? And the half-sister of Helen of Sparta? That's big tea. Because in Song of Achilles, if you've read Song of Achilles, you know about King Agamemnon. This is so ridiculous. Okay. I wanted to talk about. some of my favorites, because that's the fucking point of this podcast at the end of the day. I want to talk to y'all about some of my favorite things right now. Here are some of my favorite things as follows. I can't get enough of dried figs and dried apricots. Apricots. I'm loving them. They always put them on those dinky little charcuterie boards. I eat them bitches raw. I eat them out the bag. I love a dried apricot. I love a dried fig. And I. I made. I think I mentioned this briefly last time. I made charcuterie nachos. Fucking delicious. So good. And then on the side, you put a little dried fig, dried apricot, a little bit of honey. Okay. Wow. Really, really yum. I've been loving that. I've been trying to eat more whole foods. I'm not doing Whole30 and all that horse shit. But because my diet is so strict, I'm trying. I'm trying to do. Oh, my ears just started ringing. That's cool. Am I dying? Okay, it stopped. Dying averted for now. Charcuterie nachos. I'm doing the dried fruit. And I like a green juice. I never thought I'd be one of those bitches that's like, I make my own green juice. And I don't. Okay. I buy the green juice. But I enjoy it. And it makes me feel good about myself. Do you know what I mean? Shh. I. I watch these. I need y'all to know this. I watch these episodes back. And I'm like, you sound like a babbling idiot. Like, like, like, mine, mine, mine. Shh. I. I'm at my wits end with y'all. I'm serious. I cannot deal with it. I'm so sorry. I'd like to apologize a hundred million times. Anyway, I've been loving green juice. But what the fuck else? This right here, I literally brought it because I wanted to show you. I think I've talked about Salt and Stone before. And I tried their deodorant. That shit did not work. And I'm so sorry to whoever was around me that day that I tried it out. That shit did not. It did not make my BO go away. I would just say it sort of made my BO smell like vetiver. Anyway, this shit right here, it's the hand cream, bergamot, and hinoki. Get into this, girl. I love this. I'm addicted to it. I'm not someone who typically is like, I carry around hand cream and cuticle oil and whatever. But this makes me feel so soft. And I've got eczema real bad on my hands. And it doesn't fix the eczema, but it definitely keeps it at bay. This really. I love this. I love how it smells. I love how it makes my hands feel. I wash my hands a lot. So that's been in my bag a lot lately. What else has been in my bag? Oh, I've got a. I've got my. My rash is back. Next episode, I'm going to open it openly smoking. I'm going to be like, well, my rash is back. Something's growing on my. What are we doing? What are we doing? Oh, I had a dream last night about my ex-situationship as well. Will I ever be free? Free me! Fuck! Seriously! I bet US dollars that he paid an Etsy witch to do that to me. I'm livid. I'm livid. I can't believe you permeated my dream space to send me that fuck-ass message. And let me. Hold on. I don't know if I've ever told y'all this. So, this young gentleman, when we had our little whatever, brought me a gift. I couldn't give it back to him when we broke up because that's mean. I'm not going to be like, thanks for this, whatever. I just kept it. And I was like, I'm going to give it to Goodwill. It's bad energy to keep it in my house, but I'm not just going to throw it away to have it be in a landfill. I'll just give it away. Well, it's sitting on my little chair in my room, and I'm cleaning my room. We have just broken up, like literally the day of. And it's nighttime, and I'm crying, and I feel like, oh, did I just make a mistake? Like, what if that's the best I could do? Like, I'm really going through it. And I go to pick up this. This fucking stuffed animal. And I pick it up, and there is a giant red spider under the little hoodie that this stuffed animal was wearing. And I said, oh, my God. And I dropped it. I freaked the fuck out. I have never. There are spiders in my house all the time, okay? It's an old house. I've got a lot of vegetation around. It's not uncommon. But I just take my little vacuum, and I suck it up. And it's normal spiders, you know, like household spiders, wood spiders, whatever. A big-ass red spider. I've lived here for two years. I've never seen anything like that. Not going to work. And so I start freaking out, and it makes me cry harder. And I'm like, you brought a bad omen into my house. I go and get my vacuum. I suck it up. And then I sit down, and I'm like, maybe this is a sign. And I look it up, and sure enough, let me read what this says. Seeing a red spider holds powerful spiritual significance, symbolizing passion, energy, and transparency. Transformation, okay? I didn't even know how much my life was about to change. It felt like my life was ending. Girl, a whole new season of bountiful blessings and friendship and love was about to reveal itself to me. And I don't want to be one of those woo-woo, trust the universe girls. But ultimately, I am. Ultimately, that is who I am. This was crazy. I cried for about 15 minutes. It was just really emotional. And to go through all that, and a breakup, it just sucks regardless. Remember when I came on here and cried after it happened? It was just like, I learn so much about myself through every situation, Jim, every fucking whatever that I have. And I learn about what I will not tolerate, and how I can work on myself better. But here's this conversation, right, that we always circle back to, it feels like, in this grand, this discourse of how women are more comfortable being single now, more women are going to college more than ever, more women are in the workforce. Like, women, we're on top, bitch. And men are just becoming incels, and they're not voting, and they're voting red. And it's just like, there's never been a starker gap between the gender binary right now. And I hope you do know what I mean by that. Of course, there's. There's way more to include in that, but I'm saying between a straight man and a straight woman, there is a very clear distinction right now of culturally where both of those groups are heading, and it's not in the same direction. So keeping that in mind, and I'm always getting videos about this phenomenon, right? Of like, it's not because you need to work on yourself, or it's not because you are not putting yourself out there enough, or this, that, the other. It's because. This generation of men really is at a loss for how to deal with women, because I'm talking about me, like me. Where look at everything that I am, and that I have to offer, and how confident I am in myself, what I've managed to build by myself, what I represent in terms of like a bilingual, intelligent, college-educated, business-owning. Like, I. I'm really doing my shit. I'm freaking my shit. What do you have to bring to the table? And I don't want to sound like a fem-cell, but fuck me, dude! What do you bring to the table? Next time you see me, I'm bald, and it's. Everything's stripped away, and I have another girl here. We're both bald, and we're like, High-value male. I'm a high-value woman. Like, I'm joking, of course, but am I? Why? Because this. Oh, my God. This fucking situation, Jeff! It was that question, and I mean it, girl. What exactly do you have to offer? Quickly. Quickly. Nothing! Nothing! And so, I would rather be alone. I say that all the time. I say it all the time. But it is very interesting, in the grand scheme of things, that this is not just happening to me. Every single one of my friends that's single. And, like, has their own job, is college-educated, having a horrible time dating. It is a cesspool. It is a. It is a zero-sum game. No one wins. And it's miserable, because it makes you feel undesirable. It makes you feel like there's something wrong with you. Mama, there's nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. And while I do think that there's nuance to that statement of, you can always work on yourself, and you can always realize, you know, the more experience you get in relationships or whatever. I mean, I'm. To totally bare my soul to you, I didn't date in high school. I really didn't date in college. And whoever I talked to in college hit me, because I was plus-sized. Okay? Hey, not a new phenomenon. I'm not fucking discovering the cure to cancer here. We know this happens. Men love a fucking BBW. They love a big, beautiful woman, and then they're embarrassed that they like a big, beautiful woman. Y'all need to go to fucking therapy. Okay? That was my experience in college. I was the fat friend. I was this. I was whatever. And I was funny, and I was smart. And so men liked that. They liked to banter with me, but behind closed doors. I remember this one time. Oh, my God. It was devastating, and I will never forget it. I think I've told the story. I was in love with this guy. I was in love with this guy in college. And we had the best witty banter, and I would go over to his place. He'd come over to mine, and we'd hook up. I'd be like, do you want to spend the night? And he'd be like, no. Or we'd hook up, and then I'd be like, do you want to go to breakfast in the morning? No. Like, oh, right. And then I'd see, like, he would be with his bros at breakfast the next morning. Okay. 100%. It's just that. I have so much bubbling under the surface of the way that men have made me feel or the way that I've felt my relationship with my, not sexuality, but I guess sexiness. Like, that shouldn't be dependent upon your partner that you're with. Even though your partner should make you feel sexy, that was very rare for me. And even this fucking ex-situation over the summer. It was nothing ever been more true. I've never felt unsexier than this fuck-ass. Anyway. All of those things inform your experiences. And while I feel a bit behind the curve in terms of dating experience, truly. And, like, it's gotten worse. Because how the fuck am I supposed to meet people in this job I do? You know? It sucks. And it's like an invasion. You can't trust people to respect your privacy. That's happened to me before. I've been on, I was on a dating app in, like, 2019, and someone screenshotted the message and tweeted it. Hey, I'll kill myself. Holy shit! I can't trust people. It's just, it's. Very isolating. But at the same time, in the vein of this Red Spider story, when one cup feels empty or when one cup feels overfilled. Like, I have so much love to give romantically. I'm just going to pour that into other cups. Because there are no men, and there never have been any men, that have been deserving of the love that I have to give. Period. So, I'm going to take that love and pour it into my platonic friendships. Into my relationship with my siblings. With my parents. With my grandparents. And work on the things that are unconditional. Versus whatever the fuck bullshit a romantic relationship looks like in 2025. I say this with, like, my chest. I have no interest. As of right now. This experience over the last summer or fall was enough for me to be like, I'm done. I'm done for a hot second. It was too much. much. And it distracts me doing things that actually bring me joy. And I'm too busy worried about why hasn't he texted me back? Did I do something wrong? Oh, he's going to leave just like all the other ones. Not in an abandonment way, but like I almost come to expect it where my life and who I am at its core is very intimidating. And I don't need a man who's intimidated by that shit. Leave me alone. Truly leave me alone. And what boggles the mind about these people that I've entertained in the past is upon further reflection, you don't want to be with me. You want to be me. Oh, you're sick. You want to wear my skin like a fucking suit. Y'all are weirdos. You're weird. That's been the last three dudes I've talked to. You're fucking weird. And I just, it is such a hollow feeling. Like you see everything that I've built for myself or everything that I am because I've worked on myself and I love myself. And you want that because you're insecure and you have nothing to show. You have, you have nothing. You're a loser. The who has her. I'm done with it, dude. So this red spider was crazy to see because I've never seen anything like that in my life. And when I looked it up and I saw transformation, I said, oh my God. And it's been true. It's been true. And it is lovely. And it's good. I have this recurring thought every couple of days where I'm like, I'll be in my kitchen alone, cooking, listening to my music, the temperatures where I want it. No one's bothering me. No one's whatever. I sleep in my bed alone with my rain. With my, my scent plugged in. No one's snoring, sucking wind behind me, next to me. No one's in my bed, touching their dirty butt on my sheets. No one's leaving skid marks in my toilet. No one's my house is serene. I do things how I want it. It's, it's lovely. It's awesome, dude. And so I have this recurring thought of like, I'm very happy. I'm very happy alone. And I never thought I'd get there. And it's wonderful. So in that vein, I just kind of want to encourage you guys to just be okay alone because you will be fine. You will be fine alone, truly. And not only that, so many women don't give themselves, so many people, don't give themselves the opportunity to be alone. So many people are so hellbent on being desired, being wanted, that they never spare a moment for themselves because they cannot be alone. And that's a hard wall to break through when you're a serial dater, you know, when you're a serial monogamist. It's just like, if you cannot be by yourself, that's concerning. So that's kind of my, sorry, I just needed to rant about that for a second. Let's move on. Okay, let's talk song of the week and let's talk music. Song of the week is Dandelion by Ariana Grande. Yeah, of course it is. We're so back. We're so back. I haven't watched the short film yet. I can't, I literally, I need to be like locked in, tissues on hand. It's too much. She posted this on Instagram. I'm like, I need to be like locked in, tissues on hand. It's too much. She posted that teaser of her as an old woman. I can't do it. I can't do it. Remember how it took me six months to watch Pedro Pascal and Hot Ones? I couldn't do it. I can't fucking deal with it. That's how I feel about, I'll watch the Eternal Sunshine movie in about three months and I'll be like, why is no one talking about it? Because I couldn't do it now. It's just too much. Like when you love someone like that, when you love an artist or when, it took me so long to listen to it. It's such a beautiful, well done body of work that I feel like unless I can give it the absolute time of day that it deserves, I can't listen to it yet. Do you know what? Does anyone else have that experience? I just, I have to give it my utmost attention. And so that's how I feel about the Eternal Sunshine movie because I know she put so much effort and direction and references, packed into this 26 minute short film that I need to be able to soak in everything and like, take away my own conclusions. Which by the way, not to always bring it back to hosier, but do you fucking mind? Does anyone mind? I was returning to Unreal Unearthed because of course I was. And holy shit, it came out in 2023. Why does that feel like nothing? I don't know. I don't not long ago. How is that almost a year and a half ago? That's nuts. Anyway, I returned to Butchered Tongue from Unreal Unearthed, which is, in my opinion, in my opinion, but I also think it's real. It's about the loss of the Irish language, the sort of intentional dissolution and colonization and disintegration of the Irish language that was a very direct and intentional thing done by the British Empire. Butchered Tongue, I'm going to pull up the lyrics. And again, this is from Unreal Unearthed, which is based on Dante's Inferno, right? Is it Dante's Inferno or Dante's Divine Comedy? It's Unreal. Well, I know that Inferno is part of the Divine Comedy. It was like Paradiso something and then Inferno. Is Unreal Unearthed based on Dante's Inferno? Yeah, just Inferno. Oh, that's right, because it's the Nine Circles of Hell. I knew that. Divine Comedy, Dante, books. Oh, that's right. Paradiso Purgatorio Inferno. So, it's Paradise, Purgatory, Hell, which is T. I feel like Purgatory is scarier than Hell. Well, hold on. Let's talk about this. Is Purgatory, meaning you're stuck between ends, stuck between worlds, is that limbo state scarier than the torture of Hell? Yeah. Like being a lost. lost soul. Let's see what Dante has to say about Purgatory. Dante Purgatorio Summary. In Dante Alighieri's Purgatorio, Purgatory is a mountain where souls are purified from sin and prepare for Heaven, guided by Virgil, and consists of terraces that spiral upwards. The mountain has terraces that spiral upwards, each representing a different level of purification, where souls are cleansed of specific vices and virtues. Dante, guided by the Roman poet Virgil, travels up the mountain of Purgatory, encountering souls who are undergoing purification and learning about the nature of sin, vice, and virtue. Dante and Virgil meet repentant excommunicate souls, including souls who delayed repentance and souls who died violently. The journey through Purgatory is a quest for freedom and a preparation for entering Paradise, where souls can finally achieve eternal happiness. Okay, T, when I think of Purgatory, I think you're trapped there. You are a wandering soul who will not and has not been laid to rest. Purgatory meaning. In the Roman Catholic doctrine, this is what Purgatory is. A place or state of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to Heaven. Oh, so it's an in-between. Oh, like atoning. Expiate. Great word. Purgatory is also referred to as mental anguish or suffering. Is Purgatory a good or bad thing? Okay, this is from Corpus Christi PHX, the Corpus Christi Catholic Church of Phoenix, Arizona. Purgatory provides us with hope because God, in His justice, does not simply cast us out of His presence for all the messes we've made. Rather, in His mercy, He gives us an opportunity to cooperate with the redemptive work of Jesus, and together, with Him, we can clean up those messes. Why can't you do—isn't the point of you do that while you're alive? Right? Because if you wanted to convert, you'd do it while you're alive. Well, what if you weren't given the chance? What if you died before you were given the chance? I don't know, dude. I'd rather be in Purgatory than Hell. But what is involved in purification? What is involved in purification? Purgatory. Why are we Googling? The purification involves suffering and a sense of fire. But the exact nature of this cleansing is not fully defined by the church. The pain of purgatory is a pain of love, a purifying suffering that atones for sins and reestablishes holiness and justice. See, this is where y'all start to lose me. Pain is not the way to, I don't, I just, like, that shit makes my skin crawl. I don't know. I'm not the one. The souls in purgatory are conscious of their personal responsibility for the delay in seeing God. But this is, right, this is the eternal philosophical question. If you have never been exposed to God or to Christ or to any organized religion and you die that way, you live and die never knowing who Jesus Christ is, are you damned to hell? And is that your fault? Or is that the missionary's fault? The missionary's never got to you? Then they should be punished. I just have never understood this idea. I remember someone saying that to me when I was still going to church of, like, yes, they're going to hell, but they have an opportunity to, an opportunity? What are we fucking talking about? It's, it's this sort of dumbass, lacking, like, like, not all-encompassing doctrine that really makes me question, like, how can you dedicate your whole life to something like this when there are such big plot holes? There's plot holes in the religion. This feels so exclusionary in a religion that is, by definition, inclusionary. I will never understand it. And I've tried. I've tried to understand it. Anyway, back to Hosier. Back to Hosier. Okay. Butchered tongue. This is about the Irish language, I think. And then we're going to go through genius. As a child, it was the place names. Singing at me is the first thing. How the mouth must be employed in every corner of itself to say, these are three Irish words, a promise softly sung of somewhere else. And as a young man, blessed to pass so many road signs, and have my foreign ear made fresh again on each unlikely sound. But feel at home, hearing a music that few still understand, a butchered tongue still singing here above the ground. I have chills all over my body. The ears were chopped from young men if the pitch cap didn't kill them. They're buried without scalp in the shattered bedrock of our home. You may never know your fortune until the distance has been made. You may never know your fortune between what is lost forever and what can still be known. Let me just go ahead and take that from the top. You may never know your fortune until the distance has been shown between what is lost forever and what can still be known. Holy shit. Holy shit. So far, you've been you may never know your fortune until the distance has been shown between what is lost forever and what can still be known. Like reclaiming the remnants of the Irish language and the Irish heritage and culture that are left. The strongest. I have chills everywhere. So far from home to have a stranger call you darling and have your guarded heart be lifted like a child up by the hand. In some town that just isn't home, you may never know your fortune until the distance has been left. With no translator left to sound, a butchered tongue still singing here above the ground. Oh my God. I think especially as someone, this is so striking in an infinite way, but I think what really connects with me about this song, other than an obvious outpouring of empathy for what the nation of Ireland has experienced and gone through as a collective trauma, what endears me even more to this song in particular is how much I love language and how much I enjoy studying language and the origins of language and etymology and how language is human history and it's breathing it has a pulse this just strikes at the heart of me because there is nothing more devastating than permanently losing a language when you talk about a dead language, when you talk about assimilation that is 100% effective, when you force a culture to assimilate and they lose the last remaining bits of their culture, it is truly dead forever. And that sends a chill down my spine, that we are able to inflict such horror where we forget. That's what strikes me about this song, is that's exactly what he's singing about, is that small comfort of seeing road signs in original Irish. When you get off the plane at the Dublin airport, it is in English and then it's in Irish. It's beautiful. Those things are more important than ever, especially now. I think that a song like this that honors the history, the current, and warns against the future is such a beautifully done, a beautifully arranged and inclusive body of lyrics. It's just, it's ridiculous. He is ridiculous. I will never stop singing his praises. I think he is the most, he, okay, this is how I'm going to liken this next statement, okay? You know how you can have multiple best friends, but they're all your best friend? Like, you can have two or three best friends, and there's not, like, a ranking system. That's how I feel when I say my favorite artist. My favorite artist has always been Beyonce. Beyonce, to me, is the greatest living entertainer. She is revolutionary in her existence. Everything about her is just excellence. She is number one, and she always will be, okay? She is just the artist of all artists. My other favorite artist is Hosier. And I love them for different reasons. Hosier, to me, is that soul bond. of artistry, lyricism. His melodies are crazy. His guitar instincts are crazy. And there is something so spiritual about when I listen to a Hosier record, when I go through his lyrics, when I sit with the body of work, even after fucking 10 years, they're celebrating 10 years of self-titled coming out. His first album came out 10 years ago. It's just, I still listen to some of those songs and I hear something new for the first time. There are so many layers of artistry that I hope to keep becoming acquainted with. And Unreal Unearthed is still an album that I'm unpacking. A year and a half later, I'm still addicted to it. I keep coming back to it. And that is just the mark of, it's just, it might be just me. It's just me and all the other hosier girls of, you don't get him the way I get him. I get it, and I appreciate it, and I see it, and I connect with it. And by proxy, it's through that that I feel connected to him. I love him. His brain, who he is, what he stands for, his, I just, I just love him to goddamn death. And I think that this song is, it came on shuffle the other day and I was driving and I started bawling in the car. I was like, there's no, he keeps getting better. And it's because it's intentional. Everything he does is intentional. That's why. Anyway, sorry. Fucking forgive my obligatory hosier glaze session every fucking episode, okay? I have to glaze, and then we move on. Okay, I think that'll do it for me this episode, team. I have to go to bed. It's about 11 p.m. I love y'all to goddamn death. There's another something dropping this week. Okay, so you guys need to fucking lock in. Something's happening in 48 hours that I need everyone to be all hands on deck. Just keep your eyes peeled, and that's sort of all. I just need everyone to pay attention, because Big Brother is watching. I'm Big Brother. I'm Big Sister. I'm Big Mama. Big Mama is watching. So, I need y'all to watch my Instagram. Anyway, merch, broski.shop. Go ahead and get you some MoMo's if you need a MoMo. If you need a broski report, go ahead and grab you one of those, because they're still up there. Okay, you need some slippers are still up there. You need some stickers for your laptop. I've got those too. And I'll see you guys next week. Okay, keep your eyes open. Eyes and ears peeled. Goodbye.