Speaker 1Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
Speaker 2At Humana, our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone, and including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is, every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium, which makes it easier to save, too. So this Medicare planning season, plan well with Humana. Learn more at gethumana.com. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal. ♪♪♪ Hello and welcome to the
Speaker 3How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 132, and today's episode, Stress-Free Holidays, is all about whichever time of year you are listening to this episode. It's knowing that when holidays come around, whether it's at this particular time, the festive holidays, or whether it's the school holidays, or an overseas trip, whatever it is, whatever that particular period of time that you're all at home together, you are likely to need to tackle some specific issues to make them as stress-free as possible. And this episode is all about the things that we can do. Because this is being released, this episode has been released before the festive period, I do want to address some very specific things around the festive period, too, but all of these principles apply beyond it. Now, the festive season is aptly named "the silly season" for a reason. All routine and rationale literally goes out of the window, as we often travel huge distances to spend time with people we don't often see, smiling inanely at everybody and telling everyone what a wonderful time we're having, not to mention the whopping 26 billion we spend on food, drink, gifts, and decorations. Add to this the enormous sense of pressure we feel, as mothers, as fathers, as grandparents, as aunts, uncles, to make the day perfect and extra special for everyone. So it's no surprise to hear that the Samaritans in the UK report a 28% increase in phone calls to them in January, and divorce lawyers experience their busiest day on the 8th of January. So how we manage this particularly crazy festive period without being sucked into the madness is something that I want to share. And what I would say is obviously we're talking festive period, but the principles I'm talking about apply to all sorts of periods of times when we're all at home together, because what often happens, whether we're going on holiday, we're going overseas, we're going in our same country, or we're just spending time at home, is that there is a huge amount of pressure and expectation around this. And often, particularly with the festive periods, it all revolves around this particular one day. And so I really want to sort of tackle these particular issues. I want you just to be thinking about this from the perspective of taking it one day at a time and sticking to these five principles, which I have followed quite genuinely myself with having children. And I can honestly say that they've made the festive season and all seasons where we've been at home together so much easier to navigate and to manage. So let's start with the first one, plan ahead. Oh, planning is such an important aspect. Now, I personally have never been a great one for writing detailed to-do lists. But when it comes to organising my children, when we travel, I tend to be all over it. Now, I don't mean lists of what needs to be packed or purchased or taken. I'm not great at those sorts of things. But for me, where I tend to do my planning, it tends to revolve around the areas where there may be friction. So, for example, around mealtimes, because that can often create all sorts of friction. It may create friction because you've got a child that's particularly fussy about eating. It might be because actually that tends to be a really difficult time in terms of managing everyone sitting at the table. It might be a whole, you know, in terms of just navigating what gets prepared. So I tend to be planning around those flashpoints. So mealtimes is one. Another one is about how our children are occupied in the downtime and when they become inevitably bored, because those are quite often when we're together, for periods of time, that is something that can be really problematic. Now, being someone personally who plans their whole day around when they're eating and when their next meal is, I am painfully aware of the need to have food readily available on all trips and even when we're at home too. So I do think, particularly if you've got children that get hangry, I'm an adult who gets hangry, but it's really important when we're talking about planning ahead is to think about for your family and in your particular circumstance, where are your flashpoints likely to be? Is it going to be around food or is it going to be in other areas? So if it's around food, it's about making sure you've got an assortment of snacks. If you're going to be traveling, making sure that you've got snacks specifically that you can take with you in the car. And I'm a really big fan of getting your children to pack their snacks. So we're going to go on a really long trip. It's going to take us two hours. Children are able to quantify two hours in slightly different ways. Older children can sort of imagine it. Younger children, you may need to sort of give them a frame of reference that they find. So it may well be the equivalent of four episodes of a favorite television program. It may be how long it takes us to go to granny's and then back again. It's just helping them to be able to conceptualize that period of time so that they then have a better idea about how they can then occupy themselves on the trip. But also in terms of helping them think about what might be reasonable in terms of snack. You know, when we're looking at raising independent children, when we're looking at ownership and responsibility and independence, we don't need to be packing our children's snacks. They can actively be doing that themselves when we give them that frame of reference. Now, if they end up not packing enough, then I don't say this unkindly, but they learn so much through the consequence of that is actually, I didn't really pack enough. I didn't really even think about it. I just shoved a few things together. And actually a consequence is when it came to the journey itself, I didn't really have what I needed. And so we can then have another conversation later about, okay, with that information that we have in hand now, what might you do differently? So food is one of those sorts of things. And just trying to think about that. The other thing that's really important to remember is to make plans around other flashpoints. And technology is often one of the biggest, biggest flashpoints that we have over festive holidays. But over periods of time that we're home because children are inevitably going to want to spend more time on their tech. So rather than be blindsided by it, we ought to anticipate rather than end up on the back foot and struggling to keep on top of things. So we really want to be thinking about that in advance. We know that our attention is going to be pulled in other directions, whether that's a holiday or whether that's the festive period, we know that's going to happen. So rather than waiting for that exasperated moment, when our children have not listened to the 10th time, we've called them to come and eat because they're on their tech is that we have that conversation in advance. And you know, I always talk to children, I think it's really important we talk to them in advance about our path, about our plans, and particular points in the day, where they might have to be on their best behavior, or that there may be a potential danger that they'll be bored and then discussing ways of how they will keep themselves occupied. And it may well be that technology is what we agree that they're going to be occupied with, but it's anticipating that how long they're going to be on. So what are the rules around it? And what are the rules for disengagement? Because what we know is, when it comes to managing tech, it's not the tech use in itself, that's the issue, it's the transition off the tech use that causes those particular issues. So planning ahead is a really crucial part. While we're talking about planning ahead, and we're talking about tech, if you're listening to this during the festive period, and you are gifting technology, then look at installing parental controls before you gift them the technology and the device that you've bought for them. don't know how to do it, don't worry. In this week's resource, we will have a guide that gives you all of the specific details around how to do that, thanks to Yuki. Finally, within the planning ahead, is it's really important to get everyone to pull together. That's part of that sort of planning, is looking at what's going to be happening in advance, talking to your children about what might be happening in advance, and then talking to them around how everybody in the house, in your home, can pull together. Whether that's at home, because you're in the festive period, whether that is a holiday, because you're all experiencing the holiday together, whether that's just a period of time at home, it's really getting everyone to pull together. So the first one, the really crucial one, is making sure that we plan ahead. Number two is be realistic. When we're talking about the festive holidays, it's all about a break with routine. So be realistic in your expectations of your children. You should not expect an eight-year-old child, for example, to sit through an entire four-course meal. And it may be, I mean, I've given an example of an eight-year-old child, and you know that I feel very strongly that it's actually about the stage of development. The point I'm trying to highlight here is be realistic around what you are expecting of your children, and what is genuinely something that they are capable, and it's fair to expect of them. So you save yourself the inevitable stresses of trying to enforce them to sit nicely. And what you can do instead is agree in advance that we will get to this part of the meal, and at that part of the meal, you're then able to go, you know, then you can go and do whatever you want, but adults are still necessarily going to be sitting at the table, and that's part of your planning ahead. What are you then going to do in terms of occupying yourself? If you are listening to this episode, and this isn't the festive period, then the same thing goes in terms of holidays. If you're going away, and there's going to be a holiday, and you're going to be sitting at the table, and you're going to be sitting at the table, and there's going to be periods of time that you want to switch off, that you don't want to be full on and playing, then you also need to have conversations and be real in your expectations of how much your child can occupy themselves, and what you're then going to agree that they're going to do and not going to do. So it's really remembering that we do that. And what's really important that we do as well is that we remember to praise our children for the things that we agree for them to do, and they do beautifully, or they don't. So it's really important that we remember to praise our children for the things that we agree for them to do, and they do beautifully, or they don't. They do it as best as they can, because this is not about necessarily the direct outcome, and you know, they've sat nicely at the table, and therefore, tick, that's the objective, and so we praise them. But if you've got a child who really struggles with some things that you've planned ahead, and you've agreed, and okay, maybe they've not executed it a hundred percent the way that you would have wanted them to, but they've really tried, and you can see with every ounce of their being that they've really, really tried, then make sure that we praise them, and that we reinforce that, how impressed we are with the behaviors that they did exhibit, and the things that they were able to do, because that then reinforces it. And what I would say when we're also talking about managing expectations and being realistic is do not force your children to make small talk, shake hands, look people in the eye when they talk, if they don't see your visitors that often, or they are shy. I understand that it is really important as, you know, when we're thinking about developing this adult in the long term.
Speaker 1That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Sessions average $21 with insurance, and some pay as little as $0, depending on their plan.
Speaker 3That we want our children to be able to do a whole host of things that require a certain sort of level of social aptitude. But if your home does not typically have lots of different visitors, or your child doesn't connect with these particular people that you're going to be seeing on a holiday or in the festive period regularly, then it's really unrealistic for you to suddenly expect your child to be able to shift into this affable, social, unbelievably socially skilled individual when they haven't actually been required to practice it previously. So the real take, home here is about being really realistic. And what happens there is we know which battles we are going to choose and which ones we're going to work through in terms of what we're expecting our children to do. So we focus much more on things such as manners and kindness and being inclusive. All of these sorts of things are aspects that we can expect of our children on any level, whether they're going on holiday and meeting new people for the first time, or they've got guests coming to the house for the festive period. Those, I think, for me, are the most important things. I think the most important things are the areas that we really want to be having and reinforcing the values and the rules that we have, rather than this shy child who is then forced to look at someone in the eye and then shake their hands or give them a hug when they just find it too difficult. And I would also say that we need to be realistic about what we can manage to do in one day. Let's not bite off more than we can chew and become resentful with others for not reading our mind and knowing what they could or should have done. Most of the arguments and stresses, particularly through the festive period, are around unrealistic expectations. And that goes back to the planning. If you've got that planning, if you've all sat down as a family, you've talked about managing what you're going to do and how everyone's going to pull together, you can then be much more realistic. Trying to have this ideal in our heads that things are going to be in this perfect little bubble and we're going to have the most incredible summer holiday together, or we're going to have the most incredible family. And that's not realistic. It's unrealistic. And what happens is one of us will harbour these views and is desperately racing around trying to make sure that everything happens that way. It's just unrealistic. And then we become resentful. So the first one is about planning ahead. The second one is about being realistic. The third one is always, always have a backup plan. Yeah. And an exit strategy should things go wrong. Sometimes it's better to admit it's not going to be your day than it is to battle on regardless, just because it's Christmas or a festive period and great aunt Mabel has flown over from the other side of the world to see you and your children. Yeah. I think we just, you know, this is a really important thing that we need to do. That's part of our planning and our communication. Now the backup plan should be agreed with your partner and also your host. Should you be visiting others? If you've got young children, you have to be realistic about this. If you've got even got older children and teens, there's not a failing on our part in any way to have honest conversations with our family, but also with the hosts, you know, it's like, we're really excited to be coming over. We're going to be traveling for three hours and you know, that's going to be quite a long journey. And Fred really struggles in social situations, get, gets quite shy. And Sophie finds it really difficult to come away from social situations afterwards. Cause she doesn't know how to do it. She's trying to manage our two children's conflicting needs. And so it may well mean that we have to exit, you know, after dinner, whatever it is, it's about having those honest conversations so that you've got that backup plan. And so often I feel, I mean, I don't know if it's a sort of an energy thing is that when we know we've got an exit strategy, when we know we've got a plan B and that we've communicated that particularly with a host where we're going to somebody's house, but equally at home, it really takes the pressure off of us. And I do believe that we approach that situation with so much more ease because we know, well, do you know what? Everybody knows that if it's not working, we're just going to scoop everyone up and go home. So I just think that that's a really important thing to think about so that we don't end up sort of pushing something that really doesn't need to be. I just think it's really important that we have those because it makes us feel so much more at ease. And if it all goes horribly wrong at home, then there genuinely is no shame in getting your children to don their pajamas and watch a movie upstairs or have an early night if necessary. So I just think we need to remove any shame or embarrassment around that. It's about agreeing which battles are worth having and which you will choose to fight another day when it matters more. Yeah, parenting is about making the best decisions in any given situation. So we have to drop the illusion of perfect parenting always, and especially in festive periods, in holidays, just full stop. Okay, so we've got plan A, Ed, be realistic, have a buck up plan. The fourth one is try not to take things too seriously. I say this slightly tongue-in-cheek because I always take things far too seriously and I know that this is easier said than done but the festive period particularly but also holiday periods time is a series of days like any other but with an enormous amount of self-imposed pressure if we allow it. So choose to remember that being nice to great uncle Digby despite his crabbiness is only for a few days. Your house does not need to look like magazine picture perfect. It's just not how people live and certainly not how children are. They're meant to be loud, messy, overexcited because it's their school holidays, it's their festive period, it's their time to switch off. They've been plied with all sorts of sugary foods and they want to play obsessively. With all their new toys and games. So be kind to yourself by also scheduling in some downtime each day. Whether you sit quietly and read a book, go for a run, take out a yoga mat, soak in the bath or just zone out in front of your favourite film or series. You can't keep everyone and everything together if you're not prioritising your needs too. So it really is an important one to kind of reframe those expectations and trying not to take everything too seriously because we put on so much pressure whether it's a holiday that we've booked 12 months in advance and we've been really looking forward to and we've visualised it as this perfect idyllic no arguing holiday or whether it's this picture perfect magazine finished festive meal or festive period that then doesn't just transpire. We have to really try not to take those things seriously. And number five, the fifth one is have those difficult conversations in advance. In my experience, this is the most important of all my five principles because it is often the one parents forget or avoid. And this is all about being honest with yourself first and foremost about what the festive period or those holiday or that holiday is going to entail for you and your family. Are you spending the holiday with people you want to be with or people you feel duty bound to spend time with? Is this one of your children over their excessive use of technology, their management of their emotions, pushing boundaries, going to bed when you ask them? Are you trying to please everyone by travelling the depth and breadth of the country when all you really want to be is at home? Now, this principle of having those difficult conversations begins early when the invitations for the festive period, particularly all the times of holidays, when those arrive. But there's no time present. So if we're not here, we're only a few weeks away from the festive period, then we just need to act. So what I want you to do is look to see what can be done with this year's plans so far. So start by deciding which commitments you genuinely want or need to honour and then politely apologise for having to cancel the others. Then take a cold, hard look at the commitments you plan to fulfil. Are there some conversations which need to be had about your host family? Are there some conversations which need to be had about your treatment of your children? Do they expect them to be little angels or do they ply them with copious amounts of sugar, then complain about their behaviour? The only way to avoid issues is to have these conversations in advance. For the high expectation hosts, explain what is reasonable to expect from your children and how they will need to modify the plans to make it fun for everyone. For the overindulgent host, you might explain you have noticed your child isn't always on their best behaviour with too many sweet foods, so you would appreciate their help in moderating their consumption so everyone can enjoy the day. It'll feel awkward at first, I know, but it will avoid the inevitable resentment, guilt and shame and make the day so much easier for everyone. So these difficult conversations are so important to have and I've only covered a few of them here but it's just that difficult conversations may well be having with your partner. The expectations for the day, if it's the festive period or the expectations for a holiday which is coming up. So it's really thinking through and being honest with yourself. Where are some of these conversations? Where do I need to have some of these difficult conversations? How might I do that kindly and compassionately? Because if you avoid having those difficult conversations, what is likely to happen instead is that either the situation will be really uncomfortable and then you might then have to sort of suddenly exit with your partner. So it's really important to have your children or there's just an atmosphere that feels particularly uncomfortable and it's so much better when it's said in when it's when there's calmness in advance. We haven't got any emotions necessarily attached to it that we do in that moment. So just let me just recap what my five top tips are. So it's plan ahead, be realistic, have a backup plan, try not to take things too seriously and have those difficult conversations in advance. Now my give this week is going to be actually a compilation of some useful tips and strategies. So around the tech contract in terms of managing tech, we're going to give you the family meetings that gives you that structure around having conversations that you might have with your children in advance. We'll give you the guide that has been pulled together by Yuki in terms of how we can put some of the parental controls in place if we're buying our children gaming consoles or digital devices before we hand them over. So it's going to be a really lovely little pack and compilation for you to be able to use as that resource over the festive period or in the school holidays if that's when you're down when you're coming to this particular episode. So all you need to do is head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes. As ever if you have enjoyed this podcast I would love it if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. At Humana our Medicare Advantage plans are easy to
Speaker 2understand and easy on your wallet. Like offering more benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone and including dental, vision and hearing coverage. So if you're interested in learning more about Medicare Advantage plans and the best part is every plan has a zero dollar or low monthly plan premium which makes it easier to save too. So this Medicare planning season plan well with Humana.
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