206: Stop Trying To Fix Him (feat. Sabrina Bendory)

Welcome back to this week's episode of Unlocked. I know that a lot of my listeners love all of the self-help things, relationships, mental health. And that's what makes me so excited for this next guest. So please welcome Sabrina Bendori. Yes. Okay, I got it. Please welcome Serena Bendori. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to be here. No, of course, you know, I have been very open on my podcast, "Ange to my Life," like, relationship-wise, and all the ups and the downs of my relationships, and kind of what I've struggled with, and I say I've been open, but I haven't been a hundred and ten percent open. I think it's just hard, right? Yeah. No one wants to put all their dirty laundry out for everyone to see. And right now, I'm in the process of writing a book, and I'm putting all those things in there. No, I've really screwed up there, and there was this one guy that I did so dirty, it was so wrong. Like, it is so crazy living back those moments. And so I think this is going to be fun. I feel like the audience is really going to relate and love it because, I mean, let's face it, right? Like, I do want to preface it too, rewind. This is not like a "We're bashing men." It's all men's fault and a relationship because you, I believe you're a firm believer that, like, women can be the problem too. 100 percent. Yeah. All right. And so, give us a little background on you. Oh my gosh. Where do we even begin? I've been doing this for so long, but basically where it all started is I had a very toxic relationship when I was 20 years old, and it really, at the time, I didn't have the language, but it was a classic trauma bond where he would treat me terribly, but then he would be really wonderful. Yeah. And that would hook me, and I would just want more of that, but then things would flip again, and I kind of became addicted to that. Anyway, he ended up cheating on me and leaving me, and I was thrown into the depths of despair, and this is a long time ago, before social media, I was so alone in it, because there were no talking heads on TikTok, there was no, there was nobody sharing, you were just mentioning before sharing your experiences. No one was doing that. There was no one to relate to you, and to say, like, I'm going through it too, I know how you feel. Right. No, no. All I had was sex in the city. One episode that I would re-watch of, like, one of Carrie's break-ups, because that, I mean, I'm a bit older than you, but that was all I had. No, that was my favorite TV show. I remember sneaking and watching it. I stole my parents' DVDs, and I watched it at, like, I don't know, 12 years old. Oh, I did the same. I should not have been watching it. And then when I was in college, that was the only comfort I had, and it was the most isolating and lonely experience. And I would write a lot during that time, and I was like, I want to just write about relationships, so women feel less alone. Anyone long story short, I got back in touch with that ex who pulverized me. We started a business together. We started a blog together. Stop it. Yeah, I'm serious. Writing about relationships. And through that, I started really understanding relationship dynamics. That is insane. So this, this, you know, which I didn't mention it when I introduced you, but you are, like, a relationship expert. Yeah. You've studied it for, what, over 15 years? Yeah, over 17 years. Yeah. Which is insane. So this is kind of what you've poured your life into. And then now I hear you started it with an ex, like, how is that even, are you still in business with an ex? No. Oh, I know. And that's a whole other saga and learning, learning experience for me. How it all started is after that relationship. And I tell this full story in my new book, The Feminine Code. It's the prologue of that book. Okay. When he betrayed me and left me like that. And it was so devastating because I gave everything to that guy. Yeah. I did everything I thought you were supposed to do. I, I cleaned for him and I cooked for him and he was depressed. And I was like, if I could just help him and heal him, then you would love me. I always said, like, I have always said, I get men ready for their forever homes. Right. Like, literally, like, they're like, I build them up. Right. Right. I feel like I help them. I do all these things. And then they learn all these lessons. And then it's like, you see them use it on someone else. I'm like, are you kidding me? I was supposed to be the forever home. I thought that that's what I was building here. And I just poured myself out. There was, there was nothing left of me. He didn't like my friends. He would always just have nasty things to say. So I stopped hanging out with them. And how old were you at this time? I was a baby. I was 20. I was 2021. Okay. We were together for a year. He was 23, 24. So he's basically 15 at the time. Right. We were, we were babies. It felt so real and significant at the time. I felt like I want to marry this man. And to give yourself like that, to, in that way, only for him to act like I never mattered. Yeah. Like he left me. If I was disposable. Of course. And when I begged to understand, I was like, why? I don't understand. He was so cold. And he was just like, what can I say? Is what it is. And I'm like, after everything we've been through, everything I've done, this is what you give me. It is what it is. And I couldn't face the emotions and all the pain that came with that. Yeah. And I made a huge mistake, which is a mistake that a lot of women make after a breakup. I created a story. And the story I created was, I wasn't good enough. And that was a story that already lived in me. But when this happened, it just brought it out. Yeah. And I was like, he cheated on me because this girl was better and she was prettier and she had a lot more going for her than me. And I carried that with me. It was hard to not think it's about you. Right. It's all about that person and their lack of self esteem or their lack, whatever it may be. Absolutely. I didn't realize at the time, but he had no self esteem with me because he was a loser. Yeah. He had no job. He had no money. I was doing everything. I was paying for everything with like whatever I had as like a college kid from like working over the summer. He was trying to make it in real estate and failing. Yeah. He was a loser. And I just reminded him. He was a loser. And so if finally he found somebody shiny and new that didn't know about what a loser he was and then he stepped up his game with her, but at the time I didn't factor all this in, instead it became, I'm not good enough. And so I basically couldn't face the pain of having to deal with that. Yeah. So I turned my emotions off. I was numbing myself. I was partying too much. I was just coping in all the unhealthy ways as one does at 21 years old. And then I couldn't get him out of my head though, even though he was gone. He still lived in the recesses of my mind. It was still in there and I just couldn't get rid of it. So after two years, him and this girl had broken up by then. I reached out to him. I thought I just needed closure. And within the course of the conversation, I'm mentioning how all these guys are after me and I'm so into Mac. I'm like trying to like make him gel. I'm still trying to be good enough. Like insane. Totally. So insane. And rather than this making him fall in love with me, he was like, you know, you should have read about this and teach other women how to be more empowered. And I was like, yeah, let's go into business together. And then maybe I'll get him to fall in love with me. And the cycle continued in time. I saw him for what he actually was. And in time, I built up my own following and was able to move on and coaching my own clients and have my own podcasts and all those things. But yeah, that's where it all started. And my whole life has just been studying relationships and looking through the lens of that relationship in particular because that was one for me that changed me on a cellular level. Yes. Something died in me after that. And it was and it was gone forever, that that innocence, that idealism, that those visions of like what love is supposed to be like, you think, okay, I'm going to fall in love with this person at a young age. And then we're going to get married and we're going to have kids and we're going to. And then it's when you see that timeline not working out how you thought it was going to, you start to question like, what is wrong with me? Exactly. Why am I not where this friend is or that friend is? Exactly. And can I tell you something really crazy? He said to me, to my face, the reason I chose you is because I knew I could never breed with someone like you. I would never want to have kids with you because he thought that I had issues, one of which I like did at the time. And he had issues. Who says that? But honestly, I went on a date with this guy that I met on a dating app. That was the worst thing in the entire world. And he was like, you know, good thing is, I would never be married to you. And I was like, who says that? Was he trying to like, nag you like, oh, guys, he's probably trying to get like the upper hand, making you feel inferior so that you're trying to chase him and win him over. But the crazy thing with what he said was that rather than walking away as one should do, after somebody tells you to your face, I don't think you're good enough. Yeah. Instead, I just try to even harder to get him to have a date. And why do you think that is? I think it's because I had an idea of love. And I see this a lot with so many women I work with and men as well. That love is conditional. That I can control how someone feels about me through my behavior. And this was the message implicitly that I took in as a child, which is if I behave, if I'm good enough, if I, if I accommodate, yeah. So if I, if I perform well enough, if I'm people pleasing, if I put other people's needs above my own, then they'll love me. And so I didn't see it as, all right, this guy has issues and who says this to somebody. And this guy is so screwed up, which he was. Instead, I was like, oh my gosh, I need to be even better. And that just kept me stuck in that cycle, which could have gone on indefinitely. The only reason it ended is because he forced my hand by leaving. Yeah. think, you know, it is hard, right? It's hard to break that cycle. - A hard to walk away. And it's also hard to not bring that into future relationships. - Yeah. - And did you see yourself doing that? - Oh yeah. - It followed me everywhere. I felt, because here's the thing with a trauma bond, and I use this word very cautiously, but. - Yeah, because people do not understand the meaning of it. - Right. - And people are like, oh, you're going through something hard, and they're going through something hard. So therefore you trauma bond, and I'm like, that's not the definition. - That's not a trauma bond. A trauma bond is a cycle where there is an abuser. I know that sounds like a big word. He was not physically abusive. It was emotionally abusive in that he would say things to me that were so cutting and so mean. But then he would come back and he would say things to me, like, you're one in a million. And I never thought I'd find anyone as amazing as you. And he would talk about us getting married and having kids. But then at the same time, he would also not call me his girlfriend, because he was like, oh, it's because I don't want to feel smothered. And I don't know, he would like spin up any sort of word salad. And with a trauma bond, you become addicted to that cycle. - To that simple. - You feel the stress. You feel so stressed when you're like, where do I stand with this person? Does he still want me? And then when he comes back and when he says something or he does something, then that relief, that flood of dopamine feels so good, you're high. This is the most psychologically addictive mechanism in all of psychology. This is why somebody will sit at a slot machine and keep pressing the lever. It's because of that intermittent reinforcement. You don't know when that reward is coming. And that keeps you hooked. It keeps you addicted. And it's so hard to break free of that. And with him, he was also, I'm not going to diagnose him. It's not my place to do so. But he had a lot of very narcissistic tendencies. And with somebody like that, they can never relate to you as a person. All you are to them is ego-fuel. And they only relate to you in so much as how you make them feel. - It's all about them. - Exactly. And that's what I didn't see at the time, which was he just needed a new source of ego-fuel. Instead, I saw it as I'm defective. - So, one of my closest friends is going through their smile set journey right now. And watching how easy it's been for her, honestly, sold me. If you've been putting off doing something about your smile for years, this is how you finally do it. Smile set gives you doctor-prescribed clear aligners for under $1,800. That's 60% less than traditional braces. And a licensed doctor reviews your case and builds a personalized treatment plan just for you. It all starts with an at-home impression kit. Your aligner ships straight to you and you monitor your progress right through the app with doctor check-ins whenever you want them. My friend does the nighttime only aligners, so she's straightening her teeth while she sleeps and payments start at just $89 a month. Over two million smiles have been treated with this technology. And what I love is there's a 30-day money back guarantee after you start. A confident smile really does change everything. Listeners of our show get an additional 35% discount when they go to smileset.com/unlocked. With this discount, you can get the smile of your dreams for under $1,200. Go to smileset.com/unlocked to get started. Smileset.com/unlocked. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy. Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies. The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket. Visit Progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save. Progressive cash, insurance company and affiliates, potential savings will vary non-available in all states. And what you asked me earlier about my relationships after, it followed me because I no longer felt like I could trust myself. Yeah, so yeah, I felt betrayed by him and I felt like how could I ever trust a guy? But I'm like, how can I ever trust me? Because I clearly didn't make the right decisions. Yeah, I made so many wrong decisions in such a consecutive order that I didn't trust my own judgment. And after that, any guy who was nice and available to me, I was so grossed out by. I'm telling you that was, I went through the same experience when I was like 17 years old, dated this guy. He was older than me, like, you know, musician, wanting to follow that path and it was so toxic and just so much of that push and pull back and forth. Then like I literally am writing about it in my book and then like this really nice guy comes along and he's older and he's got like a really great job and he drives a great car and he like has his shit together. And I just absolutely destroy the guy. And I say it's like you unfortunately make people a casualty to your own more. You know, like all of your trauma and the fact that you haven't dealt with it, someone else is gonna have to suffer the consequences. - Yeah, and that's exactly what happened with me. I was so terrible to the nice guys. And anytime a guy made me feel like I wasn't enough, oh, I would latch onto that forcefully because I was replaying that same dynamic and it's your subconscious way of trying to heal by, okay, that guy made me feel like I was not enough. Now maybe this guy, if I can win him over and show him I'm good enough, that's gonna heal that wound. But that's not what happens. Instead you end up repeating the same patterns over and over. Which I did for my entire 20s. It's like finally you woke up. - Yeah, I also feel like it's a toxic kind of, in a way I'm trying to find out the best way to describe it. Like do you think that like what you just explained? Like when a guy is toxic, it like drew you to them, right? And when a guy is truly acting like a man and like showing up and doing all the right things and your mind, it's hard to attach to that person. - It can be, especially if you've been conditioned which a lot of us have and this is what I talk about in the book. - And men and women. - Men and women to believe that love is supposed to be full of ups and downs and it's supposed to be chaotic and crazy and you're supposed to have this all consuming, can't eat, can't sleep, feeling. But that's not love, that's anxiety. True love actually builds pretty slowly. Like that chemistry, that spark is there, but it's not usually so instant in all consuming. A healthy relationship builds at a more gradual pace. When you feel so consumed and almost and addicted to that other person, it's not love, it's usually activation. It's activating some old wound within you that you haven't looked at, that you haven't really sat with, you haven't really made peace with. Usually it traces back to our childhood, it's beyond that. - Everything. - Everything does. - Like everything. - Everything. - And I think too, your book, it's, I feel like the whole message of it, right? It's like chasing versus being chosen. And I think that, can you explain that? Like, yes. - Yes. - Because I feel like for some people, they're like, what do you mean? So choosing versus being chosen, don't you wanna be chosen? Don't you? - Well, I feel like for so many women, we've been conditioned to be chosen above anything else. Which is fine. That's not to say, like you shouldn't want to have love, you shouldn't want to have a relationship. The problem with trying to be chosen is when it comes at the expense of yourself. Like in the story that I described, when it was me abandoning my needs and what I wanted, and putting up with treatment that I knew wasn't good enough, just for the sake of being chosen, just for the chance to be chosen by this guy. Like, wasn't even that great. Instead, a much healthier attitude is to be the chooser, which is, is this person worthy of me? Is this what I want? Do our values align? Do I want to, is this somebody I can have a meaningful partnership with? Instead, we base so much of our worth on whether or not somebody wants us and somebody picks us as opposed to being discerning and coming at this from a place of what do I actually deserve and what do I actually want? - Yeah, I do think the choosing versus being chosen, especially to, I will come at it from like a place and let's just say that growing up in the South, right? It's like, no, you kind of wait till you're chosen. You know, you're not the one who makes the first move, you're not the one who goes out and does this or that. And then like the older I've gotten, I'm like, wait, why can't I be the one that does, you know? Why can't I choose what I want? - Yeah. - And you have to re-condition yourself, but I think also too, once you, and I will not say the word boundaries, 'cause I hate that word, I feel like people. - So overused. - It's so overused, people weaponize boundaries. - Yes, they do, yeah. - And that boundary and that boundary and oh my gosh, I have these boundaries, it's like, stick to your own damn boundaries, you know? Like don't comment me with that, right? But I think when you do have expectations from someone, like I feel like, and it would be interesting to hear from you, like the more people you speak to about relationships, do they find it hard to like have those expectations? Like do they think, okay, this is too much or maybe I need to let someone be who they are? Or, 'cause I know I have friends where I'm like, no, you need to expect them to have a good job, be able to provide, like be a good father, if that's the person that, I already tell my brother all the time, it's like just remember, when you lay down with a girl, like that can end up being the mother of your child, so be better, be careful who you lay down with. Like, it's just how it is. - I don't love the word expectations. I think that it sounds almost like what you're describing is standards, which I think is very important. - Much better. You have a chapter on that in the book. but you have to look at you have to have your standards and what they are and we all have different things that matter to us to different degrees Yeah, some people religion doesn't matter politics doesn't matter for some people That is a huge deal that it that is an absolute deal breaker you need to consider you know like with mine as a way I truly do not believe there. I think it's a big deal at this point I think it's a big deal for everybody. I know I'm not believe that you can like religion not always some people truly don't care Yeah, I think that in this climate. Yeah, you you have to make sure that you are aligned and fundamentally compatible Yeah, there's no way like you voted for Trump and you voted for comma like no there That's where just gonna blow up and frickin smoke most likely yes, so you you have to and you cannot you can't come at it with an attitude Of okay, well, this is how it is right now, but maybe it will change and he says he doesn't want to have kids But maybe this will change or you know like he's kind of self a selfish jerk and that probably won't be the best father But he's just a mature. I need to give him time. Those aren't standards. Those are wishes You have to take somebody as they are right now and ask yourself if nothing changed about him Would I still be okay with the man he is right now so standards? Yes Absolutely you have to have the standard for how you want to be treated and obviously I was violating all of my standards with The relationship that I was in with somebody who could be first of all wouldn't even call me his girlfriend Somebody who took advantage of me like that all the ups and downs all the nasty things that like he would say to me So that's what it is to have standards now Preferences is a different thing like a standard is not I don't think that a guy being six four has to be your absolute must have deal breaker No, no, that's not preference. It could be a preference. Right. Okay. It's a preference or his specific physique or eye color or things like that like all the little Superficials That that's not the stuff that matters what matters is What qualities matter in building a life with somebody because especially to the looks paid The looks fade exactly so like when the looks fade are you? Happy with the person that you chose to have kids with exactly are you do you love their heart? Do you love their mind? Do you love how you know they operate right like that's what matters exactly? You have to think about what do I want my home to look like? What do I want it to feel like what do I want the vibe to be the energy? Those are the things that matter more than anything else because we get so caught up in the butterflies and the spark and the Initial attraction, but that and that's nice. I'm not saying don't have that that that's wonderful But that's not what determines whether you're going to have a happy life with somebody No, because life is long and it's messy and it's hard and it only gets harder Yeah, and if you want to have kids only gets harder and harder with each kid you have This is the person that's going to be by your side as you go through all the phases of life no matter what it is Job stress money troubles watching your parents not to be morbid But watching your parents get older and get sick and ultimately pass away This is the person that's by your side through all that and so how do they handle that and you see that in the little things in everyday life If you were open to seeing it if you open your eyes and you pay attention and you see all right How did they handle this conflict or that conflict? Yeah, it tells you how they're going to handle those big moments such as a parent passing away a child having an illness You know, you have to pay attention to those things and unfortunately, I feel like in today's day and age with social media It's so easy to turn a blind eye to those things right we want to just be Instagram perfect Yeah, couple's goals and and look so beautiful and look at our amazing vacations and look at how picture perfect We are and that's great But you have to have a foundation of something that's holding that all up otherwise. It's just nothing's exactly Okay, so I've said this a hundred times on this podcast. I've done so much therapy and is genuinely changed my life But here's the thing. I know how many people want to take care of their mental health and they just keep putting it off It's too expensive. I don't know where to even start. What if it doesn't work? I get it Those are the questions that people ask themselves and that's exactly why I love what Rula is doing Rula is a health care company that makes getting real therapy actually doable with insurance sessions cost an Average of just $15 and they show you your cost up front So you're not stuck guessing or worrying about some surprise bill later on they take over 120 insurance plans you can sign up in as little as five minutes and Appointments can be available as soon as the next day Rula helps you find a therapist who fits what you actually need and 93% of their patients report feeling better and making real progress. That is huge If you're ready to stop talking yourself out of finding care and making progress then head to Rula dot com That's r-u-l-a dot com and take the first step one more time if you're ready to stop talking yourself out of finding care and Making progress then head to Rula dot com. That's r-u-l-a dot com and take the first step Visit goodgirlrx dot com and use code unlocked 15 to get 15 person off a check out Medical care is provided by licensed physicians not all patients qualify good girl rx is a female focused health and wellness Company built around the belief that women deserve better access to care and better conversations about their health through our Telehealth platform women connect with licensed medical providers from the comfort of their own home during your Virtual appointment a doctor reviews your health history and goals and if clinically appropriate may discuss Prescription treatment options as part of a personalized plan those options can include GLP1 medications like tricepatide as well as wellness therapies such as NAD depending on what your provider determines is right for you Every treatment plan is individualized medically guided and based on your specific needs not trends or One-size-fits-all solutions. I'm the founder of goodgirlrx and this is my personal experience For me the biggest shift wasn't just physical. It was finally feeling heard supported and honestly cared for without shame Everyone's journey is different results vary and not everyone qualifies but access to real medical guidance can be life changing Visit goodgirlrx.com and use code unlocked 15 to get 15% off a checkout medical care is provided by licensed physicians not all patients qualify Can you also explain just kind of the philosophy on like being needed versus valued What how do you differentiate between the two? Okay, that's a really good question. I'm glad you asked that With again, this is why I used that relationship from when I was younger because It's such an it's such an archetype for so many relationships that women go through yeah in that relationship He very much needed me but didn't value me he needed me in that he was weak at the time He was depressed. He was struggling and I was there to take his misery away I made his life easier and just by doing that I thought that I added value to his life But he didn't value me at all and said he saw me as a dormant and he treated me as such Being valued is I value you I respect you I would never take you for granted or take advantage of you and if I had no intention of being with you I'm not gonna Basically hold you hostage in my house. I mean granted. I was there willingly, but like you manipulate me Yeah, emotionally held hostage. I was absolutely emotionally held hostage because I would be like Oh, I'm gonna go spend the night with my friends. I'm just so depressed tonight and if you leave I'm just gonna be here all by myself depressed and I'm like well I can't have him here all by himself. He needs me. He needs me and that must mean that he loves me and he values me That was we're gonna be my next question was it gets confusing right because like being needed feels like love It does yeah, it feels like love and so it's so hard to like break that cycle right? It's like it is but what you have is a co-dependent relationship And after that I was like I never want a man to need me ever again And I and then do you feel like though it goes to like The complete opposite extent to where then you have to kind of figure out how to neutralize it, right? Like I feel like I went from a time of like, I don't need a man. I'm good like You know, I am woman here. We roar type deal. Yeah, and then I got to a point where I'm like, okay, number one That's not attractive number two. You do need a man like that's what god intended us for right? So You have to learn to temper it absolutely. So the difference here that you're describing is also in the book It's a difference between light feminine energy and dark feminine energy and you need to have a balance of the two Light feminine energy is nurturing and loving and giving and mother earth and so loving and we need that We need that energy as as mothers, you know, that's our power But when you're all light like I was you get trampled on you end up in relationships with people who take advantage of you Dark feminine energy is boundaries. She's much more independent. She's a bit more hardened now We can't have too much of that because too much of that you're cold your bitch like you can't have that You need to have an integration of the two where you can be warm and loving But at the same time boundary and at the same time have those standards. So yes I also went through a phase where I was cold at stone cold and hardened And that was the phase where I was like oh my god all these guys are after me and they want me and I'll say I don't want any Ladies to miss here this That's appealing at first because it's like oh, I have to work to win her over But then they realize no she's like I can't get through and and there this is not nice And then like that's over so at the time I was like oh, I'm such a man magnet And that's when I started my website with the xboy friend But I realized in time you need that combination of the two. Yeah, and so in going forward with partner and in my relationship now with my husband, yeah, I'm absolutely there and I'm supportive, but I'm not gonna fix his life for him, and no man wants that. A man wants to feel like the man. He wants to feel like I can handle myself, and he wants to feel like he has a woman who trusts that he can handle it. And I can be loving and supportive in all those things, but like after that talks, with that guy, I was filling out his resume. I was applying for jobs for him. - Oh, Lord. - I was just trying to fix his life and make it so much easier. - So you were like moming him. - Mommy, I was his mama, I was his nurse, I was his therapist, I was everything. - So, and I also think that leads to the next thing, right? Which is like, in a lot of people's minds, chaos is chemistry. - Mm-hmm. - You know, like chaos is chemistry, and you know, the calm one feels boring. The calm and steady feels boring, and the chaotic one feels like, you know, it's just fate. - Yeah, oh my God, I have this conversation every single day of my life. - Yeah, that's, okay, a lot of the time this happens because in your childhood and your upbringing, love was chaotic. It could be that your parents had a chaotic marriage, and so that was the blueprint. That's what you saw as this is what love is. Mom, dad are screaming at each other all the time and throwing things or whatever it was. Or it could be the way one or both of your parents related to you, where chaos could mean, it doesn't always mean throwing the furniture out. It could mean love was very inconsistent. One day, your mom was super loving and super, super doting, and the next she was super cold and critical and dismissive, and you didn't know which version of her you were gonna get. So as a child, you learn who to be, and so you might learn, when I'm the good girl, when I'm the people, please, or then mom loves me. Okay, so this is the role that I have to play. When I'm the all star, when I score the goals or get the points or get straight A's, then dad loves me, this is who I need to be. That reads as chaotic to a child, 'cause it's unstable. It makes a kid feel like love is something I have to earn. It's not something that's just freely given, and that's what kids need more than anything. More than stuff, more than activities, is emotional attunement, somebody who could just attune to their little world, and if they're happy, someone to share that with, and if they're sad or having difficult emotions, someone to help them process that. And when kids don't have that, they grow up feeling very emotionally alone, and they grow up not thinking that their parents are struggling with anything, 'cause kids don't have the cognitive ability to see that. They can't see, oh, my parents are having a hard time, they're stressed, they have a lot going on. No, instead they see, oh, I'm the problem. I need to change, I need to be better. And so that can feel very chaotic, and so in adulthood, you have a relationship where one day he's super loving, and then he's pulling away, maybe it's somebody, a guy with an avoidin' attachment style, and that activates you. You are more on the line. You become obsessed with this person, whereas somebody with a more secure attachment style might be like, I don't need this, I don't need this inconsistency, this in and out. Like, I deserve somebody's gonna prioritize me the walk away. Someone with an insecure attachment style will latch onto that, and that will feel familiar. It will feel familiar to their nervous system, and so that registers as love. As, okay, no, this is what it's supposed to be like. That's, I mean, it makes sense, right? And that's why I say, unfortunately, like, I've done so much therapy, and I'm like, the moment you realize your parents aren't super heroes, and it's their first time doing life, too. Like, you will be much better off. Much better off, but as a child, right? Like, to me, it's just, especially, too. I say, my generation has done a lot of screwed up things, but one thing we have done, I feel like, pretty good is normalizing. It's okay to not be okay. It's cool to go to therapy, go do it. And I see now, like, okay, I was in my therapy, and I was like, you know what? I'm here so my kids don't have to be. And I feel like if more adults would do their healing, before they brought other people into their world, like, the better off we would all be, because then you're not making other people a casualty to your own chaos. And that's really relatively a new thing. I mean, you and I are of different generations, but my, like, the elder millennials, we were brought up by the boomers, and that generation, nobody went to therapy. That was so shameful if you didn't talk about it. Their idea of being a good parent is, I put a roof over your head, I put food on the table, you are clothed, that's it. That's what you divide the basic needs for a child. There was no sense of what the emotional needs of a child were. So they grew up with their own trauma they didn't address, then this was their style of parenting, then they raised a generation of parents who parented like that, and nobody realized the effect that this was having. And so I think, look, I think it's a great thing that therapy culture has become so mainstream, although I also think that, like, it can be problematic. It can, that's one of those things. It's like, we just said, with the whole boundaries there, like, people weaponize it so much, and as many good therapists as there are out here, there's that many bad therapists. So many bad ones. Who can just absolutely destroy someone, and their viewpoints, and how they see things, and just create, like, monsters of human beings, and it's sad, so it's, that is hard. Yes, it is, and therapy is not always just a cure all, and I think that a lot of the time people use therapy speak to absolve themselves of responsibility, like, "Oh, you triggered me," or. Oh, my God, if I hear that word one more time, you triggered me, I'm going to lose my mind. It's just, it's too much, or, you know, they'll stick with a guy, and who's not treating them right. Oh, and maybe it's just his avoidin' attachment style, and I just need to, like, learn more about it, and read more about it, and fix it. It's like, no, no, no, stop diagnosing people, and stop becoming their therapist. Yes, fine, if he does have avoidin' attachment, he can go deal with that, like, on his own, that's not your job. You are not a fixer here. Yep, that's not your role, as a partner. And I think, too, that is another thing, right? Like, when you have a standard, and you're in a relationship, and you constantly see, like, "Okay, well, that person's not meeting that standard." Right. How do you figure out how to properly deal with that, right? Because, like, you don't just want to leave someone, right? But, there does come a time, I feel like, where you can be like, "I love this person," but, this isn't for me. Yes, okay, so the most, first of all, it depends what sort of standard we're looking at here. Like, you have some deal breakers that are just, like, if you want to have a whole house full of kids, and he's absolutely against that. All right, I don't really know how much work we could do in that department, why don't you just gonna have to change your mind? When it comes to things, like, communication styles, and prioritization, you have to look at how good this person is at repair, and are they willing to work with you for the sake of the relationship? And how, if they are like, "I am the way I am," type of person, okay, that's gonna be really hard. That is very hard. And you can't really expect much out of them, but if they're somebody who is willing to grow and do the work and repair, like, that's a key word, love that word, yes, that's what to look for. That is the most attractive thing in the entire world, is seeing how someone repairs. Like, I don't believe you throw the baby out with the bath water. Like, if a mistake happens, if something goes wrong, how does that person bounce back from it? Exactly. I always say that you know that a relationship is meant to last if you have the three C's. First, you need chemistry. You need some degree of chemistry being attracted to each other. Next, compatibility. You have to have a shared vision of values, of what you want for your lives. Finally, it's commitment. Are we committed to making this work? And that's the biggest piece of all. You have to be all in because it's not, you can find the perfect person. It's not going to be perfect. No, like, and I will say in today's day and age, I feel like so many people look at divorce is like, oh, if it doesn't work out, we can just get divorced. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, that? No, just don't ever get married if that's the case. Like, that's never an option. Like, and to get married and then threaten, oh, divorce, or leaving each other. Or I am like, I am firm on, that is never thrown out as a threat. Like, that's not something you threaten, because I feel like you can't come back from that. That needs to be your absolute last resort. Yeah. We have tried absolutely everything under the sun. And it just can't work. It won't work. OK, I do think that, in a lot of cases, like, it can be salvaged. Yeah. It's just that people just don't want to try. No. And then the rates, if you get remarried, the rates of a second divorce are even higher. Because then by then, you're like, yeah, it doesn't work out. Just get divorced. Like, it didn't work out. You become desensitized to it. And I think that also leads kind of to the next thing, right? It's like detaching from someone, you know? How you start letting go of that fantasy and not just the person. Oh, this is a hard one. Yeah, it's hard. I feel like this is like the exact example of the relationship that you describe, right? Yes. Yeah. And I open the feminine code saying that there are a few things in life that are as painful as mourning the loss of someone who never existed. And that was the part that I really had to come to grips with, which was that the version of him that I was waiting for, that I was trying to bring about with all my kindness and all my giving, that was-- that never existed. That was never who he was. And that's what I really needed to detach from. I also needed to detach from what I thought it meant about me, like being chosen by him. Oh, that means I'm worthy. And that's a thing. It's like learning. How do you learn how to detach before all the dignity you thought you had just completely erodes? Right. Well, the way to detach is to pour into yourself. The problem is that so many of us get so addicted and reliant on feedback from the outside. No matter where it's coming from, it's coming from social media likes. If it's coming from how many people message me on the dating apps or how is my partner responding to me? And do they approve of me? Whatever it is, so many of us let the outside world define who we are and it's out of doubt. And then we become overly and unhealthily attached. And that's what makes it so hard. Because when you're detaching from that person, they're taking your feelings of worth with them. And that's where we need to start pouring into ourselves. What brings me joy? What brings me meaning and purpose? Why am I here? - Go back to dating yourself. - Exactly, exactly. And I'm just, I don't exist in this world just to get approval from others. I have some sort of higher purpose here. What is that? And that's how you find your power and stop relying so much on how somebody else feels about you in order to define you. And that's what makes you magnetic. Because when you're somebody that could just be who you are and embrace that without needing somebody clapping for you, there's just something so incredible and appealing about it. - Yes. - And that's becoming so increasingly rare, especially in the times that we're living in. - So that's where the focus is. - It's the most amazing feeling to be able, because I've been to that place of like needing praise, needing validation, needing, we all go through that. But to get to the other side of it and be like, I'm proud enough of myself that I don't need anyone else to be proud of me. - Exactly. - I love myself enough to where I don't need anyone else to love me. - Right. And it can still feel good. Like praise feels good. - Yes, exactly. - But at the same time, you have to self-source rather than outsource. And that's the key. That's what detachment is in a nutshell. - I love that. And I think something that people don't really talk about is the hardest relationship, right? Like after all the detachment, the hardest relationship is not the one that you were in. It's the healthy relationship that comes after that. - Yes, that's the hardest one. I think you will ever be in because you fight so hard against it. - Exactly, it's the hardest relationship because you have to unlearn everything you learn to survive in the dysfunction. And how long would you say that takes? Like that rewiring takes? - That really depends on where you're at. But it can happen relatively quickly. I mean, I work with clients, I have an eight-week course and I can rewire them in eight weeks. If you really commit yourself to it fully. And do the work, it's not pleasant. Does it feel good? Just because it can happen like pretty quickly. Your brain is wired for survival. And how do you survive by knowing what to expect? By having a life that's predictable. And that's why we tend to think the same thoughts every day. We tend to ascribe the same meanings to events. Everything in our life just runs pretty much exactly the same until you start pushing back against it. Until you start noticing the way you're talking to yourself and stopping and saying, "Wait, where did I get this idea? Like whose voice is it?" For a lot of women, it's their mother's voice. Like that's the voice that's writing them. A lot of the time it's that mother wound. Do I believe that this is 100% true of me? Like do I believe I'm a failure loser? No one's gonna want me? No, I don't actually believe that. That's just a story that I've been telling myself for so long that it feels true. And so that's how you start to rewire. - I mean, it's hard, right? - It's hard. - It's hard, yeah. - What's unhealthy feels good? - It feels good 'cause it feels familiar. - Yeah, I just, I remember periods of my life where things would start to go well and then something would go wrong and I would like breathe a sigh of relief. 'Cause it was almost like, I knew something was gonna go wrong. - I'm back to my comfort space. - Exactly, I am back to that baseline. I'm back to being miserable, misery is my home. I've lived in this home for so long. There's almost this feeling of like when is the other shoe gonna drop when things are going well? This is known as the upper limit problem. There's a book called The Big Leap by Gay Hendrix. I talked about this. That we all have an internal thermostat for how much happiness we can allow ourselves to experience. - Well, I think that's self-preservation. - Right. - Like self-preservation is kind of your love language at that point because it's like, I know what hurts me. I know what helps me, but I don't. If I let someone in too much and they help me too much and I get used to that, then they leave, then what happens? - Right, it's a very toxic thing within yourself, but unfortunately we're conditioned that way. - Exactly, we're conditioned that way, but we can also reprogram or re-condition ourselves so that we do allow in so much more goodness than we believe that we're deserving of. Because if you don't believe that you deserve it, you're never gonna get it. And even if you do get it, you're never gonna trust that it's gonna stay. - Yeah, I love that. Okay, we're gonna play a little game. - Okay. - So a little few questions. So love or my nervous system. So this is gonna be for anyone who has ever called something the best chemistry of their life. And I'm going to describe a moment. You tell me if that was real love or just the nervous system doing the absolute most. - Ooh, okay. - The instant obsession before he said a word. - Nervous system. - The on again, off again, that felt like fate. - Nervous system. - The calm date that felt like nothing. - Love. (laughs) - I mean, not always love, but like could be. - Could be love, could be love. - The anxiety you called butterflies. - I'm gonna get, okay, this could be both. - This could be both. - Okay. - It could be nervous system, like anxious. You don't know where you stand with this person. It could be love. It could be, oh, there's a potential here. - It could be actually a good guy after the bad guy. - Exactly, yeah, so that could be both. - Okay. - Okay. - The person who just got you on night one. - Nervous system. - Or none of the above. - None of the above. You're like none of the above. I absolutely love that. So please tell me, you have an eight week program. What is, yes, tell me what it is. - I have an eight week program. It's called You Will Be Okay, which also happens to be the name of my podcast. - I love that. - We all need that reminder, I will say. Sometimes we all need that reminder. Like, you will be okay. - Exactly. - Like this hard, but you'll be okay. - You'll be okay. And I just found that that's what I say to myself the most. It's what I say to my clients the most. So in the eight week program, I really just help you dismantle all these limiting beliefs that have been holding you back. We rewire your self-worth because a lot of people struggle in relationship, struggle with self-worth. Not always confidence. I work with a lot of women who are so confident, they're killing it in their career. Super successful. They're like, I know I'm attractive. I know that I'm smart. I know I'm a good friend. - Yeah. - I make the worst decisions when it comes to my romantic life. - Yeah. - And that's usually a self-worth problem. - Very high functioning people. - Yes. - Like I remember during the pandemic, my therapist was like all the people that I have in here that are struggling right now. She's like, they're very high functioning people. - Yeah. - Very successful. Maybe at the top of their career or whatever it may be, but like they're struggling. - Right. - I feel like some of the smartest people make some of the dumbest relationship decisions known to man. - It's almost shocking sometimes. And it's so shocking to them because they're like, in my real life, I am so functional. - Yeah, I've been there. I've been there. - I've been there. - In every area. So we really just get to, basically what we do in this course is take everything that's living in your subconscious that's driving your behavior and we bring it to the conscious. You can process it and deal with it and have that healthy life and love that you want, but you feel like something is blocking you from getting that. - I love that. And where can people find your book? - Thank you for my books on Amazon or shop catalog. - Okay. - The books that came out this year are detached and the feminine code. And you can also find everything on my Instagram at Sabrina Bendori or website, SabrinaBendori.com. - Amazing. Okay, before we wrap up, what's one piece of advice you would give women who are struggling right now and thinking like, when's it gonna happen to me? When's it my turn? How do I find that person? - My advice to you is you did not come this far to only come this far. - Yes. - I know that it can feel impossible. I know, but you will get there. And in the meantime, you can't always change the circumstances. You have to change how you relate to them. Change how you relate to them. Okay, right now you're in your single season. You're in your single season for longer than you thought you would be in the single season. Now we have two choices here. We can either be depressed about it and fall into the pits of despair. Or we can say, you know what? This is what it is right now. I'm gonna take advantage of it. I'm gonna travel. I'm gonna live life on my own terms. I'm gonna work on being my best and work on looking my best, feeling my best, all the things so that when the right person comes my way, I'll be ready to have an amazing relationship. Change how you relate to the circumstances. You'll be okay. You will get there. - I love that. Best piece of advice. Best way to end this episode. Thank you so much. - Thank you. - Guys, go and follow Sabrina. We will tag all of her stuff. Now I have absolutely loved this episode. So I hope you enjoyed it. - Hello and welcome to Pluto Fall. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it for free on Pluto TV. We're all your blockbuster favorites or landing all summer long. Catch anchor man, the legend of Ron Burgundy. - Fantastic. The Matrix trilogy. - Welcome to the real world. - Mean Girls. - Set up. - Titanic. - From the key in the world. - And so much more for showtimes. Press nothing. They're free 24/7. - That is so epic. - On Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. - Hey everyone, it is Sean D. Nelson, author, entrepreneur and CEO. Who know that loves that guy? I've got some exciting news. Season two of the Let Me Save You 25 Years podcast is finally here. We are back with more incredible insights, powerful stories and expert advice to help you navigate business and life. Get ready for fresh topics, actionable takeaways, inspiring journeys that will save you years of guesswork. We go deep on topics that no one else wants to talk about, right? We're not talking about successes. We're talking about. failures, mistakes, the stuff where the real lessons are learned along the way, because even when we fall flat on our face, we're still moving forward. Whether you're an aspiring entrepreneur, business leader, or just looking to enhance your personal growth, we have something for everyone on this podcast. It's season two of The Let Me Save You 25 Years Podcast with new episodes every Thursday, subscribe now on your favorite podcast app, and let's get started.