Stop Idolizing the "Cool Girl"

Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another Sunday session of call her daddy. My life right now is all about finding pants that fit. And you know, as pregnancy is going along, I don't, I refuse to just wear the same stretchy pants. Like, I don't want to be that girl that's like same outfit every single time. So we're trying to make the bump look cute and wear the occasional cute outfit. Obviously, that does not pertain to today. Today, I could barely get it together. But when I tell you, I am searching for cute pregnancy outfits because the minute, here's the thing, the minute I find pants, I buy two sizes up. A lot of cute pants, though, do have a button. And so I can wear them for about two weeks. And then I sadly just outgrow them. And so the strategy is constantly shifting, but I will say, I think I'm starting to get a hang of how to dress for the bump. I am taking pride in some of my outfits, but it is, you know, it's wild changes, guys, but I am having fun with it. And I am enjoying myself. What else is going on in my life right now? I, oh, I was at my brother-in-law's house the other night with our whole family for his birthday. And all of my nieces and nephews were there. And it was so cute explaining to them that there is a baby in my belly and that they're going to have a cousin, aka a new friend coming soon. And my little nephew is like staring at my stomach incessantly with just like pure curiosity and excitement and asking like, what's the name going to be? And asking if, like, if he is allowed to touch my belly, it's all very cute. And so yeah, anyways, life is life-ing and all is pretty good. But enough about me. So I was thinking about something the other day when I was driving home from work. I feel like sometimes when I come home from work, it's either like, I just fully listen to music or a podcast or I drive in silence. And I don't know why, but recently you guys, I have nothing I want to listen to, so I'm just driving in silence. And that silence has allowed me to really think a lot with my thoughts in my commute home. That is one of the positives I would say of like not working from home. It's like, I do kind of like my commute because I'm like, let's get inside this dome, Alex. Like, what's going on, sweetie? Let's have a little therapy session together. And then what ended up happening was I kind of came up with a topic that I wanted to just quickly address with the daddy gang. Something I was thinking about is like, why is it so cool to act like you don't care? Why is it so cool to act like you didn't even try? It just happened. Like, I think there is this huge lie. I feel like we are all collectively participating in right now, which is essentially the myth of effortlessness. Like, why the fuck is it suddenly? I guess, and maybe it's not suddenly, but it feels like people think it's cool to act like you don't care. When did trying become embarrassing or, you know, to try hard? Like, if you go on social media, everything is curated to look like it just happened. Like, you look at the cooking videos and, you know, these creators throw like three random ingredients into a pan, they snap their fingers, and then it's like a Michelin star meal. And also, their kitchen looks pristine and so clean, easy, breezy, beautiful, delicious. And what's obvious, what they do not show you, is the three hours of prep that went into that food, and the camera angles, and the sink that is full of crusty dishes, and the fact that, you know, they probably burned the first batch, you know, we didn't get to see that part. Or maybe it actually ended up tasting like shit. But we just see the super quick, easy couple step meal to make after work. And that is annoying. Even the fitness videos, they look perfect, they're sucking in. The lighting is hitting perfectly. They don't show the gasping for error in between takes. I just, I know this is in a new concept. I just feel like it's like shouting in my face recently. Like, we're just constantly consuming content that says, look how amazing my life is and oh, by the way, I barely even tried. Like, look how I barely even, like I barely put effort into this. Look how easy this was for me. And I don't know. I just feel exhausted from it. It's toxic, and it's just a filtered lie. And this isn't just obviously social media. It's definitely heightened there. But I feel like this goes back. It actually reminded me. It's almost like going back to childhood. Stay with me. Okay. You're like, Alex, we don't always have to take it back to childhood. Yeah, we do. Hold on. Do you guys remember the kid in school who would sit down for an exam, ace it and be like, oh my god, I didn't even study. For me, the kid was Connor. And I was like, uh, Connor. And then meanwhile, you're up. You stayed up to like two a.m. flash cards everywhere sweating through your t-shirt on your way to the test. And maybe, maybe by the grace of god, god, be plus, maybe, honestly, probably be, maybe even a sea. Okay. And I was reflecting back on my drive home, thinking about like, whoa, why did we grow up feeling embarrassed for being the person who studied? Why did we validate the person who bragged about doing the bare minimum and still had some success or the same level of success as the person who actually tried? I feel like to some degree, we have carried that exact same energy straight into our adult lives. And yes, most visibly onto social media. And then I couldn't help but think we've also carried it into modern dating for all my single girlies out there. This one's for you. I want to take accountability. Trust me. I was the number one culprit. I would say, don't call her daddy. And it's not that I actually don't agree with it because it does work, but it was like pretend you don't care. It looks so much cooler. I've literally said it before. The person who cares least in the relationship holds all the power. And it sucks because that shouldn't be the case, but somehow it is. In dating, we can get so caught up in playing these psychological games where whoever takes longer to text back wins. And if you show excitement, you're desperate. And if you plan a nice date, oh my god, well, you should just end it all. You're just doing way too much. So everyone then walks around wearing this like armor of like, yeah, we're just hanging out, but like whatever, I don't really care. And it's a complete defense mechanism because if you act like you don't care, then if it fails, you don't have to face the humiliation of the rejection. You can end up just saying like, well, I wasn't even trying anyways. But as I've gotten older, I've realized it is a very miserable way to live your life. Like, yes, without a doubt in dating, it does work temporarily. The guy may find you more interesting and elusive and confusing and distant, so it makes him want you more because the chase is so fun. Who doesn't love the fucking chase. But then in the end, you just play a game pretending to be something that you're not all to win the guy that now doesn't even really know who you are. And then to some degree, you have to keep up this facade that is by no means enjoyable or fulfilling. And I listen, I have always, always said when it comes to dating, it is so important that you know your audience and you know what your end goal is. If I was watching this podcast and I was in college, I would be like, all I'm taking from this Alex is like, play the game, ignore him, make him want me because that is so applicable and relatable to your life in that moment. And like, if you were just trying to get your friends invited by the hot athlete to the party, oh my god, without a doubt, honey, you should act away. You should be so cool. You should so act like you don't care get in there. It definitely works every time. But I do think it's important to know because I do think as the daddy gang, we are all, you know, evolving and we're growing. And I have some daddy gang that are older with me. Okay, it's not all just high school and college people watching this, even though I know you're here. So that's why I'm also saying like girl, if you want to get invited to the party, oh, leave him on red and text him back the next day, like make it so confusing for sure. But it is a very temporary solve. And when you are at a young point in your life, a temporary solve is the perfect solve because nothing really is actually you want it to last. Like I don't actually fucking like the frapp boy, but I want to go to chai fight tonight. Like hello. And so this temporary solve, I just think you need to be like aware of because eventually you do need to live your life. And most of us care about our life and our happiness obviously. And the short term wins, depending where you're at in your life and the circumstances, when it does become all encompassing. And it becomes a part of your life in this like really major your way. That's in my opinion when you actually start to lose. Because then you are just being disingenuous to a degree that is beyond unfulfilling. I feel like my college self would like slap me in the face right now. I'm like, shut up. I don't want to hear that. So fair, Alex. Keep doing what you're doing. Lock in those extensions. Put the self-tanner on. Put the fake eyelashes on and do your fucking thing, girl. But I'm just at a different place in my life, right? So that is not as applicable to me anymore. Me being cool and elusive and like doing all that. It does it. It's not helping me at all. I'm just getting, I would just get annoyed and be like, why am I doing this? Like, I don't need to go to Chi-Fi tonight. I don't want to go wake up with the frat bro. Like, huh? Like he's my husband and I want him to understand what I'm directly fucking saying to him. So it's circumstantial. Also, let's say you are that person who actually does just have things fall in their lap. Like you win the game, you get the guy, you get the job and you don't really have to lift a finger for certain things in your life. Totally great. To some degree. But what skills did you build? What resilience do you have? To some capacity, someone could argue nothing. Zero. The person who tries, who sometimes fails, who gets their heart broken, who burns the dinner, who has to rewrite the resume five times, that person is inevitably building character. And I'm not saying again, if you are someone where something comes easy to you, like bitch, just let go. But if everything in life is just like, I didn't really try to just have a sentence. Like, okay, well, that's also no fucking fun, right? I don't know. I think when you focus entirely on making the outcome look effortless, because most of the time it is, you are essentially completely bypassing the actual point of life, which is the messy, uncomfortable, beautiful process of learning and growing. And so I think we need to stop glamorizing these people online and in life who are pretending it was just so easy. And great, if it actually was for them, but life isn't easy. So maybe the one thing that they're showing online, maybe it was actually easy for them. But you aren't seeing the other 10 things that they really struggled with. And I think it's important to talk about the psychological toll of all of this shit. Because it is one thing to look at an effort list video and think, okay, that is objectively fake. It's a whole other thing when you are lying in bed at 11 p.m. You are scrolling and you see someone launching a business or meal prepping for the entire month or doing a 5 a.m. workout routine. And they look flawless. Not a drop of sweat, no eye bags, just pure productivity. What does that do to our brains? It makes us feel like absolute fucking garbage. We look at them and we think, wait, why am I struggling so hard just to just do the bare minimum? You feel like a failure because your real life has friction. Your house is messy when you cook. You look like a drowned rat after you worked out. You actually have to cry sometimes when you are stressed about your career. You're not just girl bossing so fucking close to the sun 24/7. And so when other people make productivity look easy, not just, you know, possible, but legit, like easy work, it weaponizes their success against your self esteem. It makes you feel like you missed the memo on how to be a human being who can just do it all and then some little sprinkle, boom. And so inevitably we start thinking that because it's hard for us, we must be doing something wrong or we're just lazy pieces of shit. Why can't I get it together? How are they doing that? And I'll tell you why because you were at work all day and you had a hard day and then you came home or you were at home working hard all day and then work stopped and work could have been being a mother or work could have been a full-time job and then you had to feed yourself or you had to feed your family and the last thing you want to do is cook an aesthetic meal. You just want something to literally feed your body and you're hunger. You don't have time to put on the aesthetic cute workout outfit, okay? You're throwing on your ripped college old t-shirt and some shorts with a couple holes in them and you are just proud that you made it to the goddamn gym. And a lot of times, maybe you're not making it to the gym because of the real day you had the emphasis on the real day. And yeah, it needs to end with maybe decompression on the couch and not the perfect meal and the workout and the matching fucking set that goes with it. You want to eat your snacks, you want to watch your favorite TV show and you want to black out the hard day that you just had. That is closer to real life than almost anything. I also think and I don't know this could be a stretch but I do think that this topic kind of ties into the mythical exhausting archetype of the cool girl. The cool girl is just like the ultimate embodiment of effortlessness, right? She's hot but she obviously doesn't try that hard to wear too much makeup. She's successful but she never talks about working and if she does, like, oh, just happened easily. And by making it all look so effortless, she's never been busier. She is grinding it out. And again, like, cool, great. But please, can we not forget how much effort is going into the effortless image we are all consuming? Guys, I'm telling you, it was a really productive drive. Like, I was like, boom! Because I was like, I need to hear this so then I was like, I think the daddy gang needs to hear this. So here's my opinion. Because now it's like, okay, wait, so what do we do? My opinion, what is actually cool, what is genuinely attractive is trying and is evolving. And that can be so messy and unsexy and unglamorous and really hard and really exhausting, but it is so much cooler to meet someone who says, yeah, I am trying this new thing and honestly, I kind of suck at it right now or like it's really hard and I'm working through it, but I'm figuring it out. That takes a secure ego. That is someone I personally want to follow and learn from and be friends with. And so the next time you see someone making life look so effortless and you start to feel that wave of shame that we feel every time we open our phones and we see the perfect aesthetic and all the 10 step program. I want you to actually just flip the script. Just remind yourself that you are living in the real world. You are doing the heavy lifting. You are experiencing trial and error and you are actually changing and growing. You are not living to quickly capture something on your phone for everyone else to give you validation over. How do you feel about yourself? If you were never able to open the internet again, if you were never able to post a video again, how would you feel about yourself? Do you feel good? Are you happy with your life? That's all that fucking matters. So I also think keeping in mind, and maybe this is just like me getting older, grandma Cooper coming through, but this is not the shit that at 80 years old we are going to be showing our grandchildren or our friends and our families. Like, guys, look at this picture I took and like look how aesthetic my shoes were in this photo and it so gave cool girl. Oh my god, look at that. No, it will be the stories about life and living and failing and the struggles you overcame. When you think about the things you are proudest of achieving in your life so far, did they come from an effortless moment or did they come from a time where you worked your fucking ass off or you survived something really hard. And now you get to look back and be so proud of yourself for all of the hard work you put in because you tried and you care. And that is the least embarrassing thing I truly think. You own it, be proud of it, be proud of who you are for putting yourself out there, be proud of your life, that is fucking cool. And I think that makes you way more fucking interesting. So again, this isn't to like just shit on the internet, but it is to put in perspective for ourselves of like what we are consuming is potentially causing us more anxiety and more harm than good. And you need to be able to differentiate your real life from just like something that you think maybe scrolling is going to alleviate your stress from the day. And it's actually only going to make you so much more stressed. And so I think that we have to force ourselves to wake up because like I said, when we're 80, we're going to look back and be like, fuck, I spent so much fucking time on that thing and like what? And so to make sure we're curating our pages of like people, we actually feel like we get uplifted from and story tellers and and creators. If again, I get it, we're not going to just fucking throw our phones into the ocean. And if you are that person, babe, honestly, so much power to you. But there is a line that I think we can start to straddle between being so more aware of like calling it what the fuck it is. Social media and all of it creates addiction. Most of us are living and breathing within addiction. And it is not our fault. This has been a these are billion dot trillion dollar companies and industry that is profiting off of this. And so I think when you then when you zoom in to your life and you're sitting at home and you're miserable after work and you're just feeling like fuck, my day was so hard, my boss was an asshole. I like I'm not making the amount that I want at my job or my coworkers are being assholes or am I at the right position and oh by the way I have to now go deal with my family this weekend and I'm so stressed about that. We feel and I do believe in the beginning days of social media this was the truth. We feel like the internet will actually bring us reprieve and it will cause us to feel so much relief because it will take us out of our day to day just like sometimes we feel when we watch a movie or we read a book but that is so different. It is endless, it is comparison and you are watching essentially a version of your life just looking ten times fucking better because of the curation because of the people behind these machines and so we have to try to remember that and that's I don't know. I know this is such a heavy frustrating topic because then it feels like and then we're going to get in bed tonight and we're just going to keep scrolling but I do think if you are someone who is struggling with your mental health, if you are struggling with comparison, if you are struggling with jealousy, if you are struggling with self worth, if you are struggling with not feeling great about where you're at in your career, your personal life, your financial life, any of it, the internet is only going to make you feel worse about it. And so you really need to try to find a will and a way to disengage to some degree. Like I will say, so I deleted TikTok off of my phone for almost a month and I re-uploaded it because I wanted to post these two videos that I was posting on Instagram. I wanted to post them there for work and I posted them for work and then I went to my for you page and I was like, I can handle this. Like I'm just going to, I'm just going to and then 30 minutes goes by and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I can't handle this and I'm telling you guys my dopamine levels like I was immediately more triggered in a bad mood, things I was seeing. I was just like, oh, like I don't like this. I don't like the way I'm feeling. And there was such a happiness I realized I had been feeling from not engaging in that world. And I will say even TikTok first Instagram, like for me, like TikTok, I feel like we started as this really positive app. And now it's just like all these like really like the comment sections are so hateful. I'll see a girl making a video about food and I'm like, really guys, I'm like trying to fucking cook. Okay. I like, I don't want to talk about it, but I'm trying to cook. And I've been trying to cook and I'm like getting into these so many reps to be. I saw this woman who made this like a dumpling thing. Oh my god, you guys, it looks so good. It's like, it's like an easier way to make dumplings than I fucking love dumplings. And then I go to the comment section and I'm appalled. People are commenting on her shirt and her hair and her outfit and telling her that she's a fucking hypocrite because the last time that she had said that she didn't really like using soy sauce and she was more of a whatever sauce. And I'm like, oh my god, I need to get out of here. I literally need to get off the internet. Like I'm so scared. I'm so scared by these comment sections. It's so terrifying out there seeing this poor girl trying to make dumplings. And then all of a sudden she's getting crucified because like people are saying her hair looks electrocuted and they're saying that she is like, what? And I was like, I need to delete the app again. And so I was like, I'm just gonna re upload it every time I want to upload the video. And then I'm removing it from my phone. And I have been reading, I've been rereading thrown of glass. Oh my god, there's so many books in the series, which also like pro tip. But like if you're really trying to get off of social media, find a series because that I'm just like in my series right now. I'm loving it. There's so many books in that series. And I am like a kid in a candy store every night I get in bed. I don't scroll on social media. And I'm just reading. And I'm not saying that I'm, you know, 100 percent healed from all of the addiction that I to have in my veins. But I am trying to actively, I said this to my therapist like, I would consider myself a smart person. And so shame on me if I have a situation in front of me that is essentially my own version of a study. When I am on TikTok and I am scrolling for longer than a minute, my mental health is not as positive as it was before I opened the app. That is a fact. When I spend more than a minute to an hour reading books, my mental health is five times better because I feel inspired and I feel intellectually stimulated. And I feel like I'm in this brilliant world building that this author created for me. And I'm vocabulary wise, expanding my palette. Like all of this. And so I would be an idiot then, right? If I then chose at night to pick up my phone and do the thing that makes me feel like shit, rather than going for the book, right? So why is it so fucking hard? Why is it so hard then? Because it's not just the phone. It is the social pressure that we feel. It is so hard to feel like you are not in it. It's so hard to feel like also you want it. You have to put way more fucking effort into reading. You can be so brain dead when you are scrolling on social media, but somehow you're brain dead. So you're getting nothing out of it. And although we say like, no, I got some, for sure, I've learned like a couple things off social media, but the negative outweighs the positives, right? And so it's like, how are we going to force ourselves to only engage with things that make us happy? Damn, it's a cruel world out there, daddy gang. In the spirit of, I don't even know, let's answer some questions. So there has been so much conversation in my DMs recently, and I didn't even know where to start today. So we're going to go all over the place. Okay. First question. I'm in my 30s and still going through dating. At this point, a lot of the dating pool is either divorced or divorced with kids. I found a really great guy, I think, but I never pictured myself dating someone with kids and trying to keep an open mind advice. Okay. I love this question because I think that as we continue to progress in our life, we have these genuine ideas of what we think we're going to end up with, right? We have these people in our heads from a young age, sometimes of like, this is my guy or this is my girl. And this is what they're going to be like. And then life happens. And you maybe don't get the job you thought or your life changes and all this. And there's so much that ends up not going the way that you planned. And then all of a sudden, you're like, should I just try so hard to force what I thought I wanted when I was younger? Or should I look at my life at where it is now and accept it and embrace it and enjoy it. And I think for you, it's like, if you are finding that all these men that you end up going out with are divorced like, amazing. And who cares, right? And so I think there's like a, there's a stigma, right? And maybe that means though that this person is, couldn't be more open and knows exactly what they want. And especially if they have kids, listen, I completely understand there are going to be some people where they're like, it just wouldn't be for me. I wouldn't want to be a stepmother. I do think that it seems like you are open to dipping your toes in. And I think as long as you're open with the person that you're dating and you say, I have never dated someone or it's very, very few that I've dated that have a kid. And I, I have to be really up front. Like I need to just see how this progresses and goes as I'm a sure you also need to. I know you're not going to just, you know, introduce me to your child immediately. But I want to, I want to be respectful to the dynamic and be upfront and honest that like, I don't know how I fully feel yet. But I want to explore this, but I want to put that on the table immediately. I think people have so much respect when you're just like up front from the very beginning, because then you never hit anything, you were never dishonest and you were never misleading. So get after it, girl. Okay. Please ensure this is anonymous. Babe, I got you. I don't know what to do. I'm in college and I have four roommates and three of them are in long term, healthy relationships. And the other one is constantly in and out of situations. I am the only one who is chronically single and they never want to go out or do anything fun. And if they do, they always bring their boyfriend. I just want my friends back. What do I do? Okay. I have to say instead of being like, I just want my friends back. What do I do? I think you have to number one, accept your friends for where they are at in their life. We're not mad that they have boyfriends, right? But we are frustrated that it has disrupted the dynamic that you are used to with your friends. Totally understandable. What I would say to you, though, is I feel like sometimes when we are the one single friend in a group dynamic where all of our friends are in relationships, we We convince ourselves like we are the ones who are lacking or there's something wrong with us. And it's like just because you're single, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. If anything, you could argue you're not settling. You're not going to put up with the bare minimum. You are someone who is like, you don't even mean like, don't, I, not that you're saying that, but I just want you to remind yourself of that. So what I would say is almost similar to date nights that all of your friends and relationships are doing. You need to be doing single nights for yourself with other single women. Your schedule is just as important and valuable as your friend's schedule with their romantic partners. The single friend should not be looked at as someone who is like, oh, well, your life is less complicated. And so therefore, you should bend and, you know, to our rules and to our schedules. Absolutely not. You are a human being who has needs and who has wants and who has a life. And so you need to treat yourself just the same. Like when they have date nights and you're like rolling your eyes, it's like, no, no, no, say they always do date nights on Thursdays. Who's knows? That's your single night. And or it doesn't need to be on Thursdays. It could be wherever you want. But like pour into yourself and realize that your time is as precious as theirs. So we need to get you some single friends. And I think then it will make you less frustrated by the obvious shift and the kind of like hole that you're feeling with your non-single friends. Because if you were like out vibing, dancing all night, you had some drinks, you met up with people. You and your single friends had a crazy night. Then when the next night everyone's cuddled up with their boo and you're like fucking hungover or whatever, you're like so happy to be at peace. You're like, hey, Brad, can you grab, oh, yeah, grab me the grab me some popcorn. Yeah, you're like literally in between all the couples and you couldn't be happier because you're like, great. And I have literally like my big pants on, my cozy, I'm watching the movie with everyone and I don't want any of the men that I was just with last night to be here. It's my night off. If anything, when you're hanging out, then you're like, oh, this is Mama's night off, babe. That's how I think you need to think about it. Okay. This is a great question. And this I think was very relatable. A lot of people wrote into me just about struggling with the dynamic after college, moving home. So let's get into it. Someone wrote in and said, I am trying to decide if I want to move back home with my grandma to save money to study in London next year. I'm 26 and have lived alone for a long time. And I feel like it's embarrassing to move in with my family. Although it's a greater, although it's for a greater purpose, should I do it? Absolutely. And here's what I will say, sacrifice is not embarrassing. And having a goal is not embarrassing. This is a temporary situation that fits into a plan that you have for yourself, that is prioritizing yourself. And so yes, it's a sacrifice, but it is for the greater good of a goal that you want for yourself. And sometimes the plan includes things that are not going to be as glamorous. And that is okay. The fact that you will then get to be in London and you're going to put yourself in the position to go to London and to study and to experience a new culture and meet new people. Imagine how incredible when you go out to dinner with new friends or you're on a date and you get to say like, I sacrificed for a year so I could come here and experience this. How much sweeter is that going to taste? So I understand, listen, the feeling of moving in and back with your parents, girl, I like I hear you, I am so there. I get it. We are all going to feel insecure. We're going to be like, oh my God, I'm living with family right now, but you have your plan. And that's all that matters. And you don't have to convince people of your plan like anyone listening that's so frustrated because maybe you're not where you're at in life right now and it does pertain to you living at home and you're saving and you're trying. And you understandably it fucking sucks, it fucking sucks if you're going on a date and you're like, I live in my parents, I so hear you, but I also want you to give yourself more grace to just realize like you are someone who is resilient and you are working your ass off to have a great life for yourself. And that is going to be the situation sometimes. And so be easier on yourself, yeah, I think girl, you're going to London, but first you're going to grandma's house. And that's okay. Someone said, my fiance will not sit down and talk to me about future finances. What do I do? He keeps saying, quote, we'll figure it out, but we'll not sit down and discuss with me. I have tried so many times. Girl, okay. Some people may not like this, but this is my personal advice. You need to go to your fiance. You need to put the ring, take it off of your finger and you need to put it down on the table. And you need to say, I cannot with good conscience. No matter how much I love you, no matter how much I want to move forward and get married and I love our relationship, I cannot get married if we do not have an adult mature conversation about our finances. I can't, I can't get married if you can't have that one conversation with me. And I have tried multiple times to do this. I have been denied every single time I have tried to do this. And if you can't do that for me, I don't understand how we have a future here because life is going to be about a lot of uncomfortable situations and a lot of uncomfortable conversations in a marriage. And if you can't meet me here and you can't sit down and have a face-to-face eye contact on this conversation, then what foundation have we built? I just, I'm so, I don't know, like I get so protective especially for women when it comes to finances like, it freaks me out because you're not being dramatic. If someone is actively avoiding having a conversation with you in a relationship, that is your business. You are trying to plan for your life. You cannot let this person essentially gaslight you into thinking that like, oh, you know, we'll figure it out. Laurie Cooper, my mother always said this to me and I hope people can hear this and honestly know it's only coming from a loving place when I say and when she says something that bothers you in your relationship will only get 10 times worse when you get married. If you think that dating, oh, well, when we get married, he won't do that. No, no, no, no, he'll do it and it will only get worse unless you are actively working to solve something, unless you are actively in couples therapy together or there is an honest, earnest effort from him other than that. Like, this is going to be your life, girl. And so you need to hold strong in we ain't moving forward until I get some answers. And if you're not comfortable with that, then I'm not comfortable with this. Don't let that bitch gaslight you. Okay, this was a topic that sadly was very common. So I want to touch on this. Someone wrote in and said, hi, daddy. I am currently on the phone with one of my friends discussing how to go about an intervention with one of our friends over drinking because she has become a full blown alcoholic. We're in our 20s and love going out and having fun, but it has gotten so out of hand and she is now drinking every day around the clock by herself and hiding alcohol in her closet even though she lives alone. Anyways, we've tried to talk to her about it before, but it turns into a giant fight every single time and we don't know what else to do. We love her so much, but we genuinely are so worried that she was going to drink herself to death. Any advice would be amazing. Oh, that is so hard. And I am really sorry because I just feel like there's something so hard about addressing alcoholism when you are at that young age in your life when you are in your teens or your 20s, even your 30s where like, I don't know, I feel like you hear alcoholics and it's like the dad or the this and like addressing it in your early 20s, it just feels like, no, they don't have a problem. And so the fact that enough friends around this person are like, we are scared for this person's life. That is so serious, but also recognizing, fuck, being a friend is so hard because you're like, you can't force this person to do anything. You can't force this person to get help. And I think what's so hard about addicts is you don't want to completely abandon them. And I know the frustration when it's like, we've tried and we've tried and we've tried and they don't take your help. And sometimes it's like just being there and trying and trying and trying is what is actually going to save the person's life, even as exhausting it as is. And I'm not saying it is your responsibility, like, it's such a hard, complicated situation. And I obviously don't have all the details, but I would say my advice is I think because you're in a friend group, it probably is really, really tough of like, let's say it was after a night out and you guys then go to her. Like, there is an element of ganging up on, even though you're not doing it intentionally. This is such a wound. This person clearly cannot see and is not able to identify right now. I think that sometimes weirdly in these situations maybe writing a letter would be the most important. effective to start it and writing a really heartfelt letter. Maybe from all of you, maybe from one of you. Again, you know your friend better. I don't know. You would have to kind of assess the situation. But I do think you can set a boundary. And this is where it obviously gets so complicated with addicts, where it's like, you don't want to leave this person, you don't want to abandon them. And also, you deserve to live your life. You're clearly in your early 20s. You guys are having fun. You're going out and I can only imagine a someone who has experienced someone in my early 20s who was around me with extreme addiction. It was-- I don't even know the word. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced in my life, because you don't know what to do. And when you were that young, you shouldn't know what to do. You're in a position right now where it's like, what the-- like what? You're seeing things probably when you're out with this person. And so I think you could eventually say-- and it feels like it probably has gotten to this point the way that you're writing in that I'm reading. It's like you guys have had interventions before. I don't think you're far off from saying, listen. We are in pain watching you be in pain. It is hurting us to watch you hurt yourself. And we can't keep doing this cycle. And so we want to spend time with you. We love you as a friend. We would love to continue to like hang out, but we want to do it in a way that doesn't involve alcohol. We would love to do whether we do workout classes in the morning or we go for brunch or we go shopping or we go to the park or we all go on walks. Like, we want to try to be there with you, but we can't keep doing it when alcohol is involved. And we love you and we're sorry it has gotten to this point, but like we can't keep doing this. Oh, man. I'll end on that one. I just feel like it's so hard. And I guess that's what life is, right? It's like everyone is coming from their own situation and their perspective. And I feel for her and I feel for you. And that fucking sucks because there's never kind of a right answer when it comes to that stuff. So I mean, I've had a lot of people I feel like right in recently about alcoholism and even if it's your partner, right? Like how to handle. And a lot of people understandably have such a, like I just said, a hard time naming it, right? With alcohol, it's one thing with drugs. I think drugs, it is so much easier to be like, oh, you're an addict, you're using. But with alcohol because it is so social and it's a part of culture to a capacity depending on where you live and who your friends with. It's so much harder to call it what it is. And it is an alcohol problem most of the time. If you are going out with someone, if you're going out with your partner, if you're going out with your friend and it constantly turns into they over drink, they have an alcohol problem. If they are constantly ruining nights because they cannot control themselves, they have an alcohol problem. If you are like you just said catching this person drinking alone, that is an alcohol problem. And so it then does start to seep into everyone's lives that is associating with this person. And that is when relationships get ruined. And so to live under the same roof, whether it's a partner or something, there are steps you can take and you can be there for someone, but then at some point being there for someone also does change from being there trying, trying, trying to being there from a distance and being supportive, but also being supportive of yourself and your own mental health and recognizing that sometimes no matter what you do, it is not going to help that person. Like what the fuck is the thing? You can bring the horse to water, but you can't force the horse to then drink the water. They've got to do that on their own. So, oh, I didn't mean to end with a negative, but I've got a large Sunday, girls. Okay, I've got a lot to do today. Just like a lot of chores and I'm gonna do laundry. I gotta go get some errands, gotta go shopping. I gotta take my dogs in a walk. I gotta feed this baby. Yeah, there's a lot to do. There's a lot to do and there's a lot to do for all of us. So, Daddy Gang, I love you guys so much. I hope that was an enjoyable Sunday session. And, you know, more car things brought to Sunday sessions here for you. Got you. I love you guys so much. And I will see you fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye. (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]