stop giving everyone access to your heart

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Christ with Coffee and Ice. I am your host Alliost. It is a joy and honor to be here with you guys today. Hey, everybody. Hi. I'm so excited to be here with you guys today. My cheeks hurt. I'm smiling so big. I'm very excited. Today is going to be a little bit more of an episode of vulnerability. It might be giving kind of more of a big sister talk I do believe that everything we're going to talk about today is going to tie in biblically and obviously as I always kind of disclaim on this podcast is I want to try my very best to make sure that the things we talk about are biblical and there are things that Jesus tells us and it's you know the ways of our life that he expects us to live and so I do actually think that this topic is very relevant and I think that Jesus himself especially during his time here on earth for that part of his ministry he he demonstrated it beautifully. This very thing that we're going to talk about and I think that there are a lot of buzzwords that come with this very topic of trusting people and letting people near and having discernment and setting boundaries you know like I think our generation especially has loved loved loved the word boundaries and I do think that those things are very important because even when we look at Jesus's life he did that like he set boundaries with certain people he loved everyone but it was obvious that Jesus recognized that there's a difference between loving people and giving them complete access to him and I'm really excited to talk about it we're going to be talking about all the things I have to do with discernment who to trust how to tell who you're supposed to be allowing near to you versus not when have you taken it to the extreme on either end of that spectrum because I think we talk about that a lot here too is that you know there's obviously an extreme to either side of whatever it is that we're talking about and so how to find that happy medium of like okay I'm not just trusting everybody and giving everyone the benefit of the doubt but I'm also not hardening my heart we're now it's like because I've been burned right because ultimately if you are living in a way where you've allowed everyone so close to you you realize that people actually can hurt you burn you betray you and fool you you know maybe we've been made to feel like fools sometimes for trusting certain people and so then especially when you've experienced that you kind of want to run to the other side of the spectrum where you're like all right I'm going to be so and it's in the name of discerning right but there's probably a little fear behind that too where you're like I'm not going to trust anybody and I'm going to stay far far away for a long time until they've shown me and I just think that there's a there's a balance of the two that Jesus demonstrated so perfectly he was never unwilling to love people and to heal them and to meet them where they were at but he also didn't give them every piece of him there were very few people who Jesus trusted in his innermost circle and I just think as I've grown to be a 31 year old woman I have lived through years where I I have not always been responsible with my heart I have not always been responsible with you know the people I've allowed nearest to me and that's been for the entirety of my life truly I just think I have been so quick to trust people and believe that people are pure and I'm not calling anyone specifically in my past evil or impure but the truth is is I look back at parts of my life even as a teenager like even as a kid I'm like oh my gosh bless her she's just a kid I'm like what were you doing now letting someone like that near and I think yeah I think I just there've been plenty of times in my life where I've just I've really trusted people before maybe they actually earned that trust and I actually also because we are getting so close we're getting so close to my book being out into the world officially we are still in pre-order season which I know is crazy guys we're still it feels like it's been forever for me but at the same time I'm like oh my gosh we're almost there we are only a couple weeks away from love that lasts being out in stores and available everywhere which is crazy but pre-order still actually really mean a lot to me so if you're excited and you're impatient and you would rather have the book shipped to you the day that it comes out that would be fun but anyway I talk about this a little bit in my book and I actually would love to read a little splurge I won't read the whole chapter because I'm so excited I I'll accidentally read the whole book to you guys if I keep it up so I'll read a little section of this one chapter where I kind of touch on that of you know trusting people but then believing I think eventually I started to believe this lie that maturing meant that you were now becoming hardened you know and and having I guess my version of discernment was just becoming hard and becoming a little bit overprotective of my space and my heart where then I was going to the other side of the spectrum where I I wasn't warm like I wasn't I was very skeptical I you know kind of assumed the worst in people in my attempts to protect my heart and prepare my heart for the worst case scenario and I don't think that's the way that God would want us to live either so let's talk about all of it I'm very excited I think this is going to be fruitful for all of us including myself I'd love to pray us into that you know the Holy Spirit just speaks and he has his way and so God we thank you we thank you for your presence today Lord God we thank you for your wisdom thank you for being here Jesus I lived up my friend on the other side of this podcast God and I ask that you give them peace give them reassurance Lord I pray for confirmation in the name of Jesus I pray that if there are questions that they've had in their heart whether they've verbalized it or not whether these are literal things they've prayed about or if it's just things they've felt in their spirit and now that we're talking about it they're like oh wow that actually answers a lot of questions I think I've held inside I just didn't know they were there Lord I pray that you answer those questions and you just give clarity today in the name of Jesus God I plead the blood of Christ over this time Lord I pray against any tactics of the enemy I thank you Lord that it says in your word that there are no weapons that are formed against the body of Christ that will prosper and so I declare that now in Jesus name that no distractions no discouragement Lord I just pray that your Holy Spirit and your Holy Spirit alone is the very thing that speaks out of me today God and I just pray that the seeds that you want to plant Lord we just welcome you to plant them God our hearts are open Lord I pray for open hearts and open minds and honesty today Lord I thank you for vulnerability and I thank you for the truth of your word which we will refer back to today God continue to bring scripture to our minds as we're talking about this today Lord we love you we honor you and it is such such an honor to sit with you today God so just be with us Lord we need you we are desperate for you we love you I pray all these things in Jesus name amen amen um okay guys before we get into anything um we have our Christ okay we do we have our Bible here today it is our beautiful Hosanna revival Bible it is in our you know our okay sorry I'm just distracted right now um I'm not really sure what's happening why are you crying Ali IDK um I just think I feel uh the Jesus is just so tender he's so gentle and I feel the gentleness of his spirit in today's episode for whatever reason um I feel like he really wants to comfort us and reassure us um okay sorry what were we talking about my yellow Bible we have our our butter yellow Bible with us again today I almost broke out my my beautiful navy blue one from Hosanna revival but I think I'm still on my yellow kick so I am reading the new living translation NLT is what I will be referring back to whenever we integrate scripture into this episode and I do have a code with Hosanna I mentioned that every time but there are still questions actually all the time about the Bible that I use and obviously I want you guys to be able to save money too so that's available to you it's just my first and last name alleost you're welcome to use it at checkout whenever you are shopping Hosanna so we have our Christ and we do have our coffee on ice today okay guys let's talk about it now I have another book this copy that I have with me today is the advanced uncorrected proofs so this is just like the first round of proofs of my actual book I have now been able to see in person tangibly with my hands and eyeball. calls, I have a physical part of the words of my book because if you guys don't remember when I first made my announcement, this one is actually called the dummy book, so it's blank. It kind of takes the magic away once you know. This was just to get an idea of what the cover will look like and the hard cover of it, what it'll feel like, look like in person, and then this is the words on the inside. And so I will be reading from this one. Okay. There's a lot going on, but that's all right. If you're listening and you're not watching, then I guess it doesn't matter, but I want to refer back to this chapter where I kind of touched on this topic, okay. I just think this is going to be a fun little intro on what we're going to talk about today. We learn how to move through life in ways that keeps us from getting hurt again. Maybe we stop trusting people so easily or become more guarded. We stop hoping for certain things altogether because disappointment feels safer than expectation. We convince ourselves we're just being realistic and wise. This is just what you do when you're mature. But sometimes, what we're calling wisdom is actually self-protection. Looking back, I think that's exactly what happened to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but so many of my choices were being made to avoid getting hurt again. I thought life had simply taught me hard lessons and I was learning to live accordingly. I couldn't see that I had become so accustomed to the wound I had started subconsciously organizing my life to protect it. The wound wasn't just causing pain, it was quietly stealing things from me. It stole some of my hope. I would believe in people's situations or opportunities, confident that things would pan out the way I hope and trusted just to be let down or disappointed. And then I'd ask, okay, next time I just won't get my hopes up because this pain of disappointment isn't worth it anymore. I can't feel this way again. It stole some of my trust. Being vulnerable was something that came naturally to me, but now it felt dangerous. I had been betrayed enough times that I decided not to keep feeling that pain anymore. I started to guard my heart, I became less accessible and more withdrawn. I felt more cautious about how much access people had to my heart. I couldn't trust anyone the way I did before. It stole some of my softness, it stopped letting people know too quickly how much I cared. I started to keep people at enough distance to avoid anyone thinking I needed them too much. I was no longer open-hearted, and I no longer assumed the best in people. I was hardened from the pain that made me assume the worst. And most important, it stole my freedom. I was no longer enjoying life to the fullest. I was evaluating my every move. My mind was no longer asking what would bring me joy, and instead started asking what could go wrong. My mind no longer saw a mountaintop of what if this turns out beautifully, and became what if I get hurt again? Basically, I never allowed myself to just enjoy life anymore. Because the change happened so gradually, I didn't even notice what was disappearing until it was gone. And that is all I'm going to read of chapter 7. And so, yeah, I think that I personally have experienced both sides of that spectrum, where I have been almost so child-like, or maybe even child-ish. Like, I've been so naive in relationships where I would just hand my heart over immediately. And I think that in my attempts of doing that, I actually wanted to show the other person that I was trustworthy. And so, it was actually my olive branch, but at the same time, it's literally my heart on a silver platter, which just doesn't seem totally responsible when you don't know if that person is actually trustworthy enough to actually hold your heart in their hands. That's just a very expensive olive branch. That's a olive branch that is like your everything, you know, and so probably not the best olive branch to extend to somebody to show, hey, I'm trustworthy, that might be a little extreme. And so, because of that hurt, I went through a season where I didn't want to give anyone any piece of my heart because it was so painful to see the aftermath of trusting people so quickly with something as vulnerable as my heart. But then, as I kind of explained in my book, I wasn't living life to its fullest anymore. Like I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy and to have joy and to not be constantly paranoid or to not constantly be analyzing my every move and then everyone else's every move. And it was bondage, you know? There was actually no freedom in this place that I was operating in that was self protection, you know? And so, I think the question here is, is like, how do we move forward responsibly with our hearts, with other people, while also trusting that God is our protector, but like integrating and hearing him and hearing his voice and discerning with the Holy Spirit and using his wisdom on who we actually allow to have access to our hearts and then trust the rest with God. I think one thing worth calling out and separating as two different things is discernment and distrust because they're not the same thing. And having a soft heart does not mean giving everyone unrestricted access to it. So we can have a soft heart, we can have a tender heart, we can be loving and accepting, you know, to anybody being near to us. But that also doesn't mean that our hearts aren't unrestricted to access to it. So I think the real question for us today is, how do I remain loving, open and tender-hearted? Because obviously we don't want to lose those parts of us, you know? We don't want to lose those aspects of ourselves because those are characteristics of Jesus. And if we're going to be a clear reflection of Christ in the world, we have to be loving and open and tender-hearted. And so the answer isn't losing those things. It's how do we remain having those things while becoming wiser about who we trust? And I couldn't see a better person to learn from than Jesus himself. Because like I said already, I think that he demonstrated that beautifully. So if we dive into this even more, I think that a very simple statement of what it actually means to be naive. I've been this. I've been a very naive girly. I love people, so I trust people quickly. But biblical discernment sits somewhere different than that. And I believe that biblical discernment actually says something like, "I can love you without immediately trusting you. I can be kind to you without giving you access to every part of me." And I can be discerning without assuming the worst about you. And I think I personally have made the mistake that believing that loving somebody meant I would immediately hand them my heart. Like loving someone meant that I immediately trusted them. And I think something I've learned in my walk with Christ, and as I've learned from Jesus is he's shown me that those two things, you don't have to immediately trust somebody to love them. And I didn't know that those things weren't immediately connected. Lately, I've actually been reading a lot in the book of John. And so I'd love for us to flip to some scripture. This is in chapter two. And I think it is a beautiful representation of Jesus setting these same boundaries, loving people, but not giving them full access to him. So this is in chapter two. It's not very long, but I'm going to be reading verses 23 through 25. Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn't trust them because he knew all about people. No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person's heart. A lot of us probably do know about this story, or have kind of heard about it. It's very famous one of Jesus turning water into wine. And so what's interesting and what's happening here is that because of the miracle that people had witnessed, they were in awe of Jesus and they believed in him. But what scripture is saying here is that Jesus did not trust them because he already knew what humans were all about. And no one had to catch him up on human behavior and how we work sometimes. And so because of that, he's like, I know it's in each and every one of their hearts. And I'm not going there. I don't trust them. And the reason to that was because I believe Jesus recognized that their interest in Jesus was actually largely connected to the signs they had witnessed. And so I think what John is showing us here is that Jesus understood human hearts well enough to not confuse someone's enthusiasm about him with proven faithfulness to him. And so this was Jesus, you know, being discerning and kind of making space for those boundaries where he's like, yeah, I know that you guys are all really excited about what I just did. But he's not confusing their simple enthusiasm for, wow, you know, they're owing and eyeing at what he has done. But there's a difference between obviously them being impressed and enthusiastic about the miracle he made versus them actually like truly believing in him and believing that he is the Messiah, right? Like truly having real faithfulness to him. And so what's interesting too about the gospel of John is that it repeatedly shows us how quickly enthusiasm can change. Someone can be impressed by you without being trustworthy. Some can support you when there's something exciting happening without being someone who should have intimate access to you. And that is just, unfortunately, how the cookie crumbles in human nature is sometimes people can act like they are very, you know, enthusiastic about you and they love you and they think you're the best and, you know, they want to support you and all the things that you do. But there's more that needs to be proven before you can just trust somebody's initial enthusiasm about you. And that's what Jesus was doing here. And I don't think Jesus was suspicious. I think that he was just discerning. And I think that the simple contrast of what that would mean of being suspicious versus discerning is, I think suspicion would be if Jesus was just walking around thinking everyone's gonna betray me. Everyone's gonna go against me. Everyone's gonna burn me. You know, that's being suspicious. That's assuming the worst versus being discerning. I mean, Jesus was extraordinarily relational. He ate with people. He welcomed people. He healed people. He allowed himself to be interrupted by people. You know, we think about the woman who was bleeding for 12 years. And she runs up to Jesus. And she's like pushing through this crowd to just touch the the hem, the corner of his cloak. And he was interrupted in that moment. He was actually on his way to go heal a father's daughter. And so he would allow those things. But Jesus could love someone completely without entrusting himself completely to that person. I think skepticism actually lacks a lot of love and being suspicious lacks love versus discernment. Love is still very present. Love is immediate. But trust and access isn't. And so I think being suspicious and being discerning maybe do have the common thing of like people don't get immediate access. But this one lacks love. And it lacks meeting people and assuming the worst in people versus discernment, I actually think holds is open to anything. And again, not in an irresponsible way, but in a way where you aren't immediately assuming the worst in people, maybe that there is optimism and discernment where you're like, yeah, I would love to see if you're trustworthy. But I'm also not going to immediately say that you're untrust. Like I'm just I'm going to love you. And I'm going to wait to see what your fruit looks like. You know, what the fruit of your life looks like, how you steward your other relationships in your life, how you show up in life. Like there is nothing wrong with sticking around and loving someone through the process. But being like, yeah, I want to I actually first want to see the fruit of your life first before I just throw my entire heart into this. And I think what could make this like so deep is that there also are different levels of access that we can give people in our lives. And I don't know if I've talked about this on the podcast before. Maybe I have with friends, but the truth is is Jesus, you know, he had different levels of access of what people were allowed to get from him, you know, or to see of him. And we see moments in the Bible where Jesus, you know, was teaching in the synagogues or was teaching up on the mount. His famous teaching on the mount. And there were crowds who encounter Jesus. But then there were the 12 disciples who he specifically chose. And so those disciples had a lot more access to Jesus than the crowds did who would just go for his teachings, you know, or his followers that were at a wider range than his 12 disciples. And then there was Peter, James and John who were like his best friends within the disciples. This moment I cannot imagine being chosen by Jesus to experience and for him to trust these three men with this moment. But if you are unfamiliar with the transfiguration, this was actually a moment when Jesus allowed three of his disciples, okay, Peter, James and John to see a glimpse of his divine glory. And we can find this in Matthew chapter 17. So if you want to refer back to it, Matthew 17 verse 2, it says he was transfigured before them. His face shown like the sun and his clothes became as white as the light. The disciples understandably fell face down, terrified. Jesus touches them and tells them not to be afraid. And when they look up, only Jesus remains because then there were also two other men standing there who were Moses and Elijah from the Old Testament. And so that was a very intimate and holy moment and Jesus didn't just let anybody see that or experience that moment. And so it's obvious that Jesus loved broadly, okay, he loved everybody, but he didn't share every experience with everyone, right? And so I think that that also is a great reminder to maybe not go from one extreme to the next where it's like, okay, maybe there's also different levels of access that you allow people to have to your heart. And until proven that they are trustworthy with every part of your heart, people can kind of inch their way to that closer inner circle, but I think it's also okay to say, yeah, I know I love having this person in my life. I think they're awesome, but I think for now they're kind of on my outer circle, you know, and I think over time you realize the people that are actually trustworthy to be in your inner circle, you know, to be your Peter John and James. I don't think that's an overnight thing. I think that's something like that does take time. It takes doing life with people and walking with them for, you know, long periods of time where you're like, okay, I've seen enough fruit in this person's life. I've seen the way that they've showed up and, you know, relationships in their life, but then also in this relationship with me. And I, I feel like by this point, I actually kind of trust them with my entire heart. And I think the very thing we're talking about, obviously, is trust, but I think trust can only grow, trust can only develop through fruit. I think that these questions that I'm about to list off as examples are still important questions to ask. I don't think that they're irrelevant, but just for the sake of talking about fruit and, you know, talking about trust instead of just simply asking the questions. These can still be questions because I still think they're important, but like instead of this being the only guide to how you pick and choose the people to have closest to you in your life, instead of just asking the questions, do I like this person? Do we click? Do they seem nice? Did they tell me they're trustworthy? Okay, all of those things I do, I do think that those things are still important to an extent. But instead of that, I think we really need to be looking at the fruit, okay? And over time are their words consistent with their actions? That's a question to ask. How do they talk about people who aren't in the room? And that's something over time you need to be discerning of, you know? I think the first few times, first few weeks, maybe even the first month of hanging out with somebody, I think everybody's on their best behavior, you know? And so over time, you know, as as like the honeymoon stuff wears off in the first impression, energy wears off, like deep down, like the real fruit that we're now seeing, what are we seeing over time? What are we seeing over the span of those six months? Five months, whatever. I actually think after about two to three months, you are really starting to see a lot of the fruit of people. Can they receive correction? Like, are they humble? You know, can they receive feedback? Can they apologize without immediately defending themselves? Do they honor confidentiality? So when you're having conversations with them or if you're hearing them talk about another situation, are they telling you things that you're like, I don't know if that person would want me to know that, right? Do they respect your know? You know, like, do do they respect your opinions or your boundaries or the things that you say yes or no to? Are they happy for you? Like truly happy for you when good things happen to you. Do you feel that genuine excitement and joy from them when something goes good for you in your life? How do they treat people from whom they have nothing to gain? That that is so, so, so, so, so important. I look at my own life and I'm like, unfortunately, I forget it a lot of times. I'd love to always just look at myself as just Ali. I never want to look at myself as Ali, you know, walking into rooms where it's Ali plus podcast and it's Ali plus author Ali plus influencer Ali plus millions of followers like I never ever ever want to feel that way about myself because like, I just want to be Ali. I just want to be me. I always want to feel like me. I don't want those things to become a part of my identity where it's like, that's who I then start to see myself as. But because of that, I feel like, unfortunately, I assume that other people see me that way. Like just Ali, but like, it's not true. Like, people see me and they do see the millions of followers. I get it, you know, I mean, from the outside, people may see me with with all the things and access and whatever platforms. And so, yeah, I think that when you have aspects of your life, doesn't even have to just be a being influencer like me. But like, when you have things about your life that Maybe people could gain. From from being close to you. I think it's very good to be discerning about How that person treats people who they actually have nothing to gain from because I think it's easy like show up And be a great friend and be a remarkable human being to somebody that you could gain a lot from But what about the person that they actually could gain nothing from do they treat those people the same way or Do they give people who have whatever connections? Access gain whatever that is do they treat people like that with special treatment versus just Anybody else I think another important fruit to look for in people as you're discerning who you have near you or not is Do they consistently pull you closer to Jesus or away from him? I think that's the first fruit whether we're talking a romantic relationship or a friendship or a mentor If we're looking at the fruit of anyone in our lives and we are looking for people who are going to sharpen us as much as we sharpen them y'all Are they consistently pulling you towards Jesus or away from him and being pulled away from Jesus doesn't mean that the person is necessarily pulling you to raging parties To do a bunch of drugs and drink alcohol and do worldly things I think it could even be somebody pulling you away from Jesus in the sense of Encouraging you to think out of a mentality that is driven more by fear or That you have complete control, you know that they're encouraging you towards something that is actually a mindset that is very like me Verses truly trusting and having full dependency on Jesus It doesn't always have to be the extremes that we think about It's like are they encouraging you to have full dependency on Christ and to recognize the sovereignty of Jesus over your life? Or are they encouraging you and it could even be in the name of Jesus? But like there there could be people who are actually encouraging you to believe things like fear It doesn't just have to be really worldly things It could even just be mindsets of like what do I trust do I trust myself? Do I trust fear? Do I trust my feelings more is this person encouraging me to trust those things more than Jesus like that's the Stuff to look for there's a verse in Proverbs that I think we all love It's Proverbs 1320 where it says walk with the wise and become wise and the only reason to really know if somebody is trustworthy if they're wise And if they are somebody who's truly going to sharpen you is by continuing to ask these questions as you are Living life with them and and looking at the fruit of their life and the fruit of their character and who they are as a person I think that this is obviously especially important when picking a partner because these are the fruits that are going to then be Demonstrated to your children and obviously your partner's not going to be perfect at all of these things But at the core and the root of who they are do they carry these things are these their priorities on a daily basis And is it something that you consistently see over time because again, I think that things can be really Lovey-dovey and exciting in the beginning friendships or not they can be very exciting people are typically on their best behavior So I think time will tell with fruit It always does actually and I think that that's probably how Jesus chose Peter John and James to trust him With the Transfiguration, but then also the first time that Jesus ever rose anyone from the dead was it actually that same story I was telling you guys about where Jesus was on his way to yeah to raise the little girl from From she had passed away. She was sick and she died and Jesus was on his way to heal her and on his way to heal her He had been stopped by the woman who was bleeding for 12 years and so that was actually another moment that only Peter John and James were brought into the room Where Jesus brought her back to life and he said do not tell anybody, but like he also entrusted them with that moment too All 12 disciples. He actually told everyone else to leave That was just simply because of the fruit that Jesus saw from them where he was like yeah I can trust them with these moments and that was something that he saw over time in Peter John and James The biggest mistake that I made with maybe trusting the wrong people again I don't want to make them all sound like like the people that you know I've learned from in my life that they're all bad people, but I just think that the mistake that I made though with Trusting people and maybe just a little too quickly Or giving them access to my inner circle and maybe they should have been you know like if we're using Jesus as an example like in the crowd Or just you know followers Maybe they shouldn't have even really been in my circle of you know my 12 disciples I'm not Jesus. I'm not even comparing myself to Jesus. I'm just saying if we were to use that same system of Like outer outer outer and then outer and then inner and then innermost whatever But what I did too much of was I went off of my own understanding and I trusted my heart and I trusted my gut and I don't know if any of those things are really Good compasses of wisdom and discernment. I think instead of us just running around trusting our gut all the time Or trusting our hearts is we trust God enough to let him teach us how to trust people and I really genuinely believe that it is only going to be through his holy spirit where he and he may even give you like a gut feeling But I think because I've experienced the difference now of Having like my own kind of feelings of trusting my own kind of like quote gut feelings and then really feeling something like there's there's a Different depth y'all it's like literally in it's like in your gut When this whole the Holy Spirit is speaking to you and you just know that you know and you're like, oh, I just feel it I can't deny it's like undeniable, okay? I'll just explain it to you as a feeling of like you literally can't ignore it And if you do you feel really like it's so in your face and so obvious like God really he like puts it deep in you And where I feel it is my tummy actually and my contradicting myself. I'm just saying there's a gut feeling from the Holy Spirit That is like it like pierces my gut and I just know that the Lord is like Telling me yes or no and here's the thing. We're not always going to get it right So like I don't want anyone to feel like after this episode now that you have to like perfectly discern the Holy Spirit like the truth is we're not always going to discern With the Holy Spirit correctly because I think sometimes we think we hear him and that like we're still going to be very human in the process of it But I do have faith in each and every one of you that as long as you are continuing to Pray and spend time with Jesus and be in his word like I think his word actually is the most powerful way to gain Discernment from the Holy Spirit. I mean the only reason I actually ever encountered the Holy Spirit was through the word of God And so if you want to have more opportunities and more moments of of genuinely feeling or Hearing the Holy Spirit. It's got to start with the word of God But yeah, I mean it really is going to be about trusting God enough to let him teach you how to trust people That's the only way that you're going to you know learn how to do that because the truth about being a Christian is it's not That discernment is simply becoming an excellent judge of character. It's actually knowing scripture watching fruit Seeking wisdom Listening to the Holy Spirit Allowing time to reveal character. Okay, so just because you're really eager and you're excited about this new person that's come into your life I'm not saying you can't be but allowing time to reveal character and being willing to obey when God shows you something You didn't want to see that's being obedient to Christ and being a Christian in a lot of ways and I think that as long as we do have You know the humility and grace for ourselves to admit that we are still going to get it wrong sometimes You know, but I think my goal in life and and even the goal of today's episode is that we just become better at it You know, but I mean, I'm not saying that there's there's a there's a place that we get to eventually where we are like Perfectly discerning every situation every person and we are you know Unstoppable with being able to read people like I don't think that there's ever that's I don't think we're ever Going to get there, but I do think it's something that we can get stronger in and better at You know, especially talking about myself as an example like there was I actually wasn't discerning at all So now I'm like, okay, well, I would love to at least be a little bit better than I've been Maybe I won't be perfect at it, but I would like to spare myself so much hurt by not being as quick to trusting people as I once did But not being hardened Like I'll take that, you know, you know, the goal isn't necessarily to become so skilled at reading people that nobody ever Hurts you again because the truth is like if that's your goal If you're like I want to learn how to never be hurt ever again, that's not gonna happen because even if we look at the 12 disciples We all know that even in Jesus's close circle He was betrayed and it wasn't even just by one. He was betrayed even from his inner inner circle He was denied by Peter Peter Denied ever knowing Jesus Peter John and James like in his innermost closest He was betrayed and hurt and he knew Peter was going to do that It was when Jesus was being taken away. He was being arrested and then eventually crucified on the cross and people were looking at Peter and saying don't you know him like wait a minute didn't I just see you with Jesus when they were arresting him and it wasn't you that actually sliced off the ear of one of the guys that was trying to arrest and Peter literally was like that wasn't me no denied him three times so I don't know Jesus he was embarrassed to admit that he actually was a disciple and a follower of Jesus with him being arrested and then Judas in in the 12 disciples was the very one that actually traded him in for a few pieces of silver from the Romans they bribed him and said hey if we give you this much will you tell us the location of Jesus so we can arrest him and so Jesus was betrayed and he was hurt and he was backstabbed by the people closest to him and so yeah the goal here is not to expect that you still won't be hurt you still won't be betrayed by people even in your in your inner circle and maybe that's what we talk about on Friday like talking about expecting hurt from the people closest to you because we just are flawed humans and we're gonna hurt you're gonna hurt them too like we we will always maybe unintentionally but we will always hurt people and we're just always going to be flawed and that's not an excuse I think we should do our best to be as loving as we can but yeah it's just pain is is not something that we can fully avoid and being hurt by people is not something we can fully avoid and so maybe we can talk about what that looks like you know of of expecting to be hurt and what to do with that hurt especially when it comes to the people nearest to you because it will happen but I do think that a goal that we should have for ourselves um especially after talking about this today is to become wise without becoming hard and I think one thing that Jesus has never actually asked us to do is he's never asked us to choose between wisdom and love I think that both of those things can still live in the same place and we can still carry both of those things at the same time and I think literally the best way to do that is to extend love to every person that we meet and then again like we are discerning asking questions and observing not in a skeptical way and not in a way where you're assuming the worst in people but watching for fruit I don't necessarily want to use the verbiage proof I think I've already said it where I'm like you you got to see like let people prove to you that they are trustworthy I don't hate it but I think even the word prove can carry um a little bit of a pessimistic undertone where it's like well I don't know prove it like prove to me that you're a good person and that I can trust you with my heart and so maybe instead of you know using the mindset of naturally in their life on whether you you actually believe with how they're demonstrating their fruit and how they show up in life like I think a demonstration of them actually being trustworthy to have even deeper access to you because the truth is it's like if you're gonna try to learn if somebody is trustworthy like you do have to give them access to you enough where you're like spending time with them and you're having conversations and you're laughing and you're telling them about you and your life and your loves and your interests and the things that maybe you don't like and you're also learning that about them too like there is a level of access that you have to be able to give somebody to even see more so yeah I think I like the word demonstration better let them demonstrate that they are trustworthy before you let them have your entire heart so I think that the best way to do that is to start with openness versus like intimacy so again you're talking with them you're spending time with them you're asking questions you have genuine genuine curiosity about them as a person you're asking questions you want to know about their you want to know about their mind and their heart maybe even their testimony right but you don't have to hand someone your deepest vulnerabilities immediately so in that time where we are getting to know people we don't need to tell them our deepest darkest secrets and we don't need to confess our deepest darkest sins to them or you know our deepest darkest traumas I think a lot of us do that to prove that we are trustworthy to the other person but maybe we need to sit in a position of like well I want to I just want to see what's demonstrated here I'm actually curious about them I'm not going to sit here and think about I need to prove that I'm trustworthy so I'm going to confess all of this crazy stuff that's really vulnerable so that when they hear that they go wow she must really trust me she must be really trustworthy maybe we don't think so much about that we think more about okay what would I like to learn about this person and one more thing I want to say about hardness because even as I read that part of my book to you guys is I was hardened towards new people in my life who hadn't done anything yet because I was almost punishing them for what old people did in my life like people from my past and it was me acknowledging old pain but kind of like projecting it on to new people and I think that's actually one of the first ways that hardness like really can develop in a person and then that's how it was developing in me someone betrays you so the next person has to overcome a crime that they did not commit you've now learned that someone was capable of lying to you and so now everyone starts from a position of presumed guilt and that is obviously understandable self-protection but eventually the walls that keep pain out can also keep love out and so I think a practice that we could say to ourselves in those moments like if you are now approaching a situation with somebody where you're like okay I've been here before with somebody else and they deeply hurt me and betrayed me and showed me that they were not a trustworthy person at all and so instead of putting this new person in jail for something that that person had done I think it's being able to say in that moment what happened to me taught me wisdom right I learned from that I got burned and so there's wisdom to take from that experience but it doesn't get to teach me cynicism and being discerning actually is accepting some risk you know like I think allowing any kind of access of somebody coming into your life like being discerning is also saying yeah and you know what I recognize that there is a risk here in being hurt again there is no discernment strategy that can guarantee nobody will ever hurt you we are absolutely going to be talking about that on Friday there is an acceptance even in discernment that like yeah you could get hurt you you probably might get hurt again and so I think that if you are somebody who has experienced hurt from people before and now you're struggling with being hardened I think the order of you know what started for you is okay maybe yeah you started off being a little naive and now because of that you're wounded but instead of going from wounded to being super guarded and self-protecting is it's like okay instead of me now trusting myself to make a better decision now I am going to look at God for wisdom I'm going to look at God for discernment and that's going to be through things like the word of God his Holy Spirit maybe even community other people who you trust but if trust is hard for you that's okay you can trust God but you go from being wounded to discerning and so with that wisdom from God you are you are capable of still being soft because you're not leaning on your own strength to understand people's character like you are going to be discerning with the Holy Spirit which is like such a superpower we should be accessing the Holy Spirit as much as we can because he's a genius what do you mean he has all the wisdom to share and I think that's how you are still going to be able to enjoy your life I think that's how you're still going to be able to have joy and not be uber paranoid like I was where now you're over analyzing yourself and other people you get to carry wisdom and learn from those mistakes and moments where maybe you weren't discerning enough or you were just going off of your own understanding or you're throwing your heart around all really nilly like you get to have the wisdom of Jesus through his Holy Spirit while enjoying your life again because it's not all on you you don't need to be your own God anymore you don't need to be your own protector anymore you can rely on him and be prayerful for those gut feelings you know or those like those with little red flags they will come up if you ask the Holy Spirit and you are truly surrendered to his wisdom and you're like you know what I'm tired of actually trying to do things on my own I'm tired of trying to discern things by myself God I'm going to trust you I'm going to go into this open I'm going to be sensitive to your spirit and I'm going to be listening it may not be an audible voice in your head right it can be just like a gut feeling it can be like a hmm you're gonna feel it the Holy Spirit will come through for you in moments that you need discernment and then here's a thing y'all we're not going to do it perfect but I do believe that we if we apply these things to our lives moving forward with the discerning and I think it really is also about time I think the biggest thing at least for me when I look back I'm like oh my gosh I was so quick it was it was like the quickness of how I would trust people with my hearts and and all of my heart that as I would be like months in I would start to see things and I'd be like oh wait I don't like how that makes me feel but my heart was already so invested my heart was already fully like in that person's hands that I'm not I'm not saying it's too late but at that point like there there is more pain That would happen to your heart. than needed to if you adjust giving it a little bit more time for that fruit to show. And I think, yeah, so I think a big thing is like having the patience to really let time tell because people can't hide their fruit for too long, you know. You really, you really will know people by the fruit of their life and that does show. Maybe not in the first few weeks, but you will see the fruit of somebody's life as long as you are willing to be patient enough with the Holy Spirit to take it at a rate that is responsible, you know, with your heart. Anyway, hey, I love you guys. I love you. I'm really proud of you. There's also no, like don't, no shame, no guilt. If you've kind of been irresponsible with your heart, it's okay. Me too. We shake it off and we keep learning and we say, okay, Jesus, I'll just, I'll listen to you more next time. Okay, I have more wisdom now. If it wasn't for our mistakes, there would be no opportunity to grow in our wisdom. If it wasn't for the times that we obviously lacked wisdom and then we got burned and we go, oh, it's okay. It's all a gift. God uses all of it. Even your mistakes and your boo-bos and spoiler alert, you're going to do it again. You're going to make another mistake, but that's all right. We got Jesus. No, thank you, Lord. Okay, I love you guys. Super proud of you. Thank you for being here for another episode. Actually, I loved this episode, actually. Thank you, Lord. Hey, before we go today, though, can we actually do something really cool today? Can we show somebody how cool Jesus is? Can we walk more like him, talk more like him, be more like Jesus? We're going to be discerning like Jesus, but we're still going to love like Jesus. Yeah, thank God for his example. I'll see you on Friday. Bye.