153: Stop Acting Like The Man In Your Relationship

[Music] Hello my sexy lovely gorgeous darling welcome back to the Being Her Podcast and this is interesting. This was very very interesting. I had a conversation and I've been in the New York post and several other news outlets for something that's happened recently and I want to discuss it with you and then have a really cool teaching moment because it's come to my attention and realization that when you swap polarities in your life aka or i.e. you become masculine in your relationship but feminine at work. Sparks fly and the bad ones. The catastrophic crash sparks fly not the quintessential lovely sparks of attraction. How this all started as I started a series on my Instagram and on my TikTok. So if you're there such my name Margarita Nazarenko and you will see the series it's called The ROI of. I was falling asleep at nights peacefully closing my eyes before February 14th and I thought how to explain to men not that I would ever do the explaining because I came up in my DMs it came up with but why would you ever explain to a man your worth you wouldn't because you are an unbothered woman you're not bothered about explaining your worth never complaining never explaining those are quintessential truths but I can explain for you because I'm not your man's woman so I can create content for you to enjoy and have a little he-he about and I can explain it for you right so I was lying there I was falling asleep and I was thinking how do I explain to said man David over there in the corner why flowers are important on Valentine's Day or just generally and it dawned on me that men understand ROI return on investment and every time you pass as the said flowers you pass the said flowers after he's gifted them to you the glimmer of those flowers reminds you of what a good guy he is what a good guy he is what a good it happens to me I've been married 11 years what a good guy he is what a guy is stupid flower some $20 he's bought me because I saw similar ones in the restaurant and he saw me pick them up for me what a good guy what a good guy our relationship is better for seven days so for those 40 to 80 dollars that you would have spent on those flowers dear gentleman she is getting multiple impressions of the per day of what a good guy what a good guy what a good guy anyway that one made it into the new up post because I go into several other reasons go on to my Instagram or TikTok if you want to have a little quick look see I made it into a series like what is the region he should book a date what is the reason he should propose earlier rather than later if he's going to marry her which the ROI is in plus sides are huge right in terms of relationships and one of the last ones was why he should take initiative and plan dates it's a big contention for married women women in a relationship it's a big bloody deal mother truckers in it I said the ROI is that she feels this she feels that your relationship smoother again you can check it out and a woman wrote to me this fascinating thing and I'm going to have to pull out my phone for this because I need to say the messages as they came and not as I'm imagining them so if you're watching this excuse me looking down girl but I've got to read them verbatim essentially she sent my video to said gentleman and she said this is the reasons why I think men should plan dates and take initiative and his reply was as follows and I'm going to read it to you and I'm going to talk to you about the conversation that followed and a big realization I had that I think is going to be quite a big moment for us in this here being her universe because I never realized that this is a problem that women have and when I realized it it blew my mind wide open okay so she wrote to me that he wrote cool thanks for the video out of curiosity do females females curious word curious word but we move make plans to and likewise guys also have numerous things going on through their minds and our busy also I'm happy to do it for you of course but how am I supposed to feel loved and appreciated if I'm the only one doing it take that away I'm useless and disposable and replaceable if I do nothing for you I'm done you don't say sorry sorry sorry that's an offside and she says sorry you've a mess understood me I really apologize he goes on again let me hold that for you if you're watching his messages I'm I'm shortening them as I'm reading them but just so you know he says that's how it feels when these reels are made to say that men need to do this that and the other and your partner needs to do nothing in return hi welcome to the world of femininity and masculinity not saying that what that you do need to do anything but I'm just saying that it makes me feel bad he goes on for many many many paragraphs to say how it makes him feel like it's outcome like it's admin like he's not loved for who he is blah blah blah blah blah and I sat there and I thought this is a moment I need to really I asked her can I post these and can I address it to the being her unbullied women right and she's a sure so I wrote she asked can you change someone like that in wanting to be a leader and be in their masculine and I really needed to take a few several seats and take a step back because I can't see something toxic like he's obviously in his feminine energy and you're in your masculine because how that's going to be right online is he's a chick and you're a dude and that is not what feminine energy and masculine energy means but it is clear in the way she's straight way apologizes the way she's leading him the way she's sending in the message she's like this how it should be he's like and the way he's writing a long thing explaining his feelings explaining all this and I it dawned on me first of all this is one breakthrough I had in saying that if you want to date a masculine man you need to be in your feminine I am saying I and the majority of women who I have spoken to and that is many many hundreds and thousands prefer to be in their feminine energy when dating and therefore they want to attract a masculine man because they find masculinity attractive is that the case for another 20% let's say that 80% is that the case for the other 20% no it's not a man in his feminine energy is a brilliant man there are many many highs about having a feminine energy man which I'm going to go into right we're going to break it all down we're going to have a little chinwag a little talk right and I wrote her and I wrote to my Instagram I said I love when men respond like this it's thoughtful it's not defensive and it's honest although he was defensive in the way I communicated to you now like he was like I don't feel as well he was open in the end he was like thanks for sending me this but I just feel used essentially what I do stuff for it and I said I want to say this carefully because people love to twist these conversations some men genuinely do not enjoy leading right some men genuinely do not enjoy leading they prefer shared planning shared decisions shared admin they feel safest when everything is equal and discussed and mutual and agreed upon and that's not wrong that is different energy right so if you get a man who's genuinely in his feminine energy and not because he's wounded not because he's got a mother wound but genuinely in that and you try and push him into his masculinity you were going to create a fight two feminine energy people create repulsion from each other and I don't mean discuss repulsion but I just mean two poles of a magnet if you try and put them together I said you cannot come in some man to suddenly enjoy taking charge if that's not where he feels powerful if a truly masculine man is in his feminine because he's got a mother wound or because he doesn't feel that you want that for you to request that he takes the lead is going to feel great for him he's going to love that he's going to love to take the lead because he's going to feel empowered and in his masculine which is a big majority right and you're going to feel great to be led but that's not all women too some women actually enjoy being in their masculine energy and that's fine and you can also I said not shame a woman for wanting to relax and be led by a man because she also wants to be in her feminine energy both of them do she's saying hey I want to be in my feminine energy and he's like hey I do as well this isn't about men being loved only if they provide something it's about polarity masculine energy feels respected when it directs and feminine energy feels safe when it can soften and be led right so what's happening two people both feminine energy what are we going to do first let's remove judgment he isn't wrong he's not bad he's trying to not try to attack us over here and an request to attract masculine men he's communicating he's explaining how he feels valued he's expressing what matters to him although I will say this as a caveat right that not every time do men know what they're saying he's saying we should be you know equal all of this but then he's going to feel shit while being in that so you've got to watch for that if he's truly in his feminine energy he'll feel lovely when you take him out and when you plan things and then he equally does that and you have this like cohesive relationship where you both do it if he is wounded and you do it and then he feels shit about it there is a clue that he's only deploying feminine energy because of a wound he's got and not because he's naturally in his feminine energy okay now let's self something neutrally I say look at the length of these messages look at the processing look at their emotional articulation the man has that tells you something about his energetic style I will save these as a highlight on my stories some men feel comfortable in collaborative emotionally expressive dynamics in a relationship they don't naturally identify with being in the direction the directional force of the relationship or the leader they were partnership and equality and mutual decidedness which I would say you know handcuff like not handcuffing myself to sound PC it's very very hard if you're going to have children right it's very almost impossible but if you're just a double income no kids couple why not and neither is inferior by the way but it's a different polarity so the real question isn't can I change him to be a masculine driven man the real question is what role do I naturally enjoy and can I enjoy that role if I am with him If you are happy leading, dear one who wrote me this message, organizing and initiating and being more structured in your relationship, then yes, it can absolutely work for you. If you're secretly wanting to relax and let him lead and you're hoping, you'll grow into that role by you pushing him and initiating and prodding him. You're using masculine energy to do that. That's when resentment starts because you cannot coach someone into enjoying an energy that does not feel right for them. And you also shouldn't shame a man for embodying an energy that you feel he should not have. It isn't about who's better, it's about energetic preference. Trying to turn him into something else is going to exhaust you, trying to suppress what you want in yourself is going to exhaust you. It's about being honest with yourself. Alignment between you two feels calm and natural, and misalignment feels like constant resentment building and so on. Okay, I've been wearing skims cotton on repeat lately and I genuinely cannot go back. You guys know if you listen to this podcast, that's all I wear. I'm very particular about basics. 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A dear reader messaged me afterwards and she said how can we tell for man is in his masculine energy and not any initial dating tips okay. Off the back of that story we had a really interesting conversation. And the way to tell is simple. First masculine energy is not aggressive it's not like a punch in your head. It's not forceful it's not all of those things. A masculine energy is comfortable initiating likes to be thanked for what he's doing not what he's being and that is the crux feminine energy likes to be thanked and loved for what it's being. It's a very rare occasion when a woman a feminine energy woman which is a lot of women most women feel comfortable there and naturally yes we're all driven to be masculine especially at work where we'll get to that one. So we are all in that energy in a feminine we don't like a man to say oh yeah I didn't like you initially but you won me over because you work so much and you're such a good provider. We don't like that yeah they like that but we don't like that that's how you can tell. A masculine man likes to decide he likes to move things forward he knows what he wants and what he's doing. The second sign is he's emotionally regulated he doesn't spiral doesn't overthink things he processes communicates it clearly but there's a downside to what you'll go into and that is he can sometimes go in his cave and you don't know where he's gone and that's a problem for you but that's not a problem for him that's a masculine energy man and many of them don't know how to express themselves verbally and you say oh he doesn't tell me he loves me enough but then you want a masculine energy man again choose which toilet you want to sit on Rebecca. Number three sign that he's a masculine energy man naturally is he protects peace. Not in a cave man way not uh but in a more like I've got this way like I've got us I've got this I've got a plan you don't feel like you're managing someone else or someone else's child or son and you don't feel like a therapist or a project manager you often feel that even if he's making wrong decisions or he could be wild he could be like a bad boy type person but he's still taking the lead and he's still somehow making plans and you feel quite comfortable in that not that you should be following a bad boy but I'm just saying that's his natural energy yeah and most women like that because it allows them to soften and be in their feminine energy which feels good. Remember in the universe everything has a polar opposite a good thing and a bad thing attached to the same thing so masculine energy man good points are he's a natural leader he feels steady emotionally and he projects direction and feels comfortable going that way but the minuses is he may struggle with vulnerability saying how he feels voicing all of that because he identifies strength in silence he can become rigid he cannot compromise he doesn't understand your point of view and this is the last one of five women find very difficult if they want a masculine energy man they really really really don't want to do this but masculine energy men want admiration not love but admiration when he leads he wants to be appreciated for almost like wow you're so amazing otherwise resentment builds and if you cannot play that game wisely then you are not going to win with the masculine energy man if you start competing with him like yeah I can do that too what Derek I don't care that's not gonna that's not gonna win you pluses okay let's go on to the pluses of like our first character that we met let's call him David a feminine energy man which actually would be good for a lot of you yeah he's emotionally expressive he communicates his feelings he says exactly I cannot imagine my husband would write me all those messages expressing how it makes him feel when I sent him an Instagram video it would not happen even if I said write messages like that will die he would have to I don't know like he got I don't know what he would do he would just like disintegrate you will never be guessing what a feminine energy man is feeling and often like you're thinking of a feminine energy man like maybe some kind of like he's wearing a dress or something he's not a lot of like rock stars and poets and people like that feminine energy like David Bowie types and that's fantastic and amazing and quite sexy uh number two is he values equality he prefers shared decisions shared roles collaborative dynamics and often these men despite you maybe giving birthday children they will step up and they will help you because they see you your value in the same as theirs and they will step up he's often nurturing he's attentive to your emotions and he's there for you which is super rare and if you get one of these men and you're comfortable leading and driving and does it make you a dude it's actually an amazing relationship sometimes that spicy fire woman who knows what she's doing and a man who knows his feelings is an amazing combination the minuses of a feminine energy man you may end up leading everything and you may end up feeling does he even want this or not I have I just like captured him like a like a you know copilot polarity can feel flat if you're also naturally feminine energy or you expect that if both of you are trying to both be feminine and are waiting for someone to lead you might end up going nowhere and I don't mean in life I mean in your dynamic of sexuality and polarity he will seek reassurance more often so the masculine energy man wants like admiration and like wow you're a god kind of ibs this one wants reassurance because he bonds through emotional exchange and he wants to know that you are always there and you're always present none of these are good or bad this is more of what do I enjoy doing more okay and it's important to understand I was writing all this as I was walking to a podcast studio I did a podcast about my business I loved doing that it's going to come out soon I think it's on the just walking sim podcast it's going to come out soon Williamson wow look at me for getting names aggressive I'll put it in show notes when I do them somebody asked me what about situations in which a man is growing personally and living healthy and then when he's in a bad mood or something bad happens and he's usually masculine he goes in his feminine and I say wow I love this question why because me I thrive in a feminine energy space when I'm in my relationship it makes me feel sexy happy vibrant attractive vivacious all of those good things and when I'm in a masculine energy in a relationship I feel like shit like I don't feel attractive I don't feel alive I don't feel any of that but at work I love being in a masculine energy and I realize the under stress I go in my masculine energy naturally and that's what I've had to battle with my anxious attachment and all those things I used to have and I've decided that to let go of my relationships is what gives me relief and what gives me joy and what makes me feel amazing. When I'm in my masculine and driving and I'm under stress I get like that in my relationships and it really makes me feel like garbage like when I'm trying to tell my mom what to do or how to act or how to behave it looks ugly. I start being resentful. I start you know my current managing him. I start mothering him. I start mastering myself. I start being directional even when no one's asking me for direction. It's just yuck you know and so I wrote I love this question because it shows you've actually thinking about energy dynamics not being fixed but being something that you express. Energy is impermanently a personality trait. It's a default setting at the time. For example I naturally thrive in my feminine energy. I prefer my relationships flow over force. It makes me feel seen and like I'm actually chosen and I go very masculine and very structured and very very decisive and solution-focused. When I am stressed and I deploy that on my relationship the key is not what someone does under stress. The key is what they return to when things stabilize. So if you have a man who's naturally masculine and he starts to you know wine and want reassurance and just be like a decisive and run around all stuff under stress then maybe there is a mother wound there. Maybe there is moments where he resorts to that when he was younger or a child and that is fine. We all go to places when we are stressed. I also broke down the upsides of being a feminine energy woman. You are receptive, you soften tension, you can often laugh things off. She is that classic woman in the 1950s movie like Maywest when he's like hey says something like to her and she's like how about you sugar? You're this and that. You know there's a classy woman who are like amazing at just blowing things off because she's just so feminine and so fabulous and she inspires pursuits because she isn't constantly directing or managing. She creates space for someone to actually pursue her and chase her which is really important when I talk about a man chasing you it's not because I think the element of chase is even that interesting but because you are giving space you always feel someone coming towards you and that is a very enticing energetic feeling when you're a feminine energy woman. She leads through intuition and presence and she's the neck and the man's head. She directs where he goes but not through obvious things. The downsides of a feminine energy woman are of course. She can avoid structure if unbalanced. She may over rely on external direction from him after a while you know those memes where she's walking through the air call like do do do do and he's the one who's like doing everything. She becomes passive instead of receptive and she may struggle in a highly competitive work environment which we're going to move on to in a minute. Mascaling energy dominant women the upsides as she's decisive if she's self-led. This is to have a friend we like to have. She's resilient. She sets boundaries clearly. She's about us. She's about us. I naturally identify with that. That's why I think she's about us right. But in my relationships, feminine energy is God is God. downsize is she can over function in relationships. She takes that work feeling into her relationship feeling and she's always leading, organizing, initiating. She's always she in unintentionally emasculates him and that's not necessarily your role to make someone feel masculine but if you want flow in your life and if you want it to be seamless and easy then it's something that you need to really consider because it's your life at the end of the day and I'm just telling you how to have it optimized. Next is she may struggle to receive things so it becomes like a competition with her. She will instead of being thankful for something that he does so that he does it so that he does it again. She will instead try and make it a competition in terms of she wants to do the same so she doesn't inspire for him to do the same thing again and again and again. She can control instead of influence which is an interesting one because strong direction can turn into micro management. If she doesn't soften internally and doesn't you know have that kind of feeling between him she can start to control the situation which is so diabolically toxic and the new book by the way if you've not pre-ordered it you need to pre-order my new book it's called Unbuddled, It's Out in May in Australia and in Europe it's out in June and in September it's out in the rest of the world. I will leave a pre-link below and if you go on now I'll give you free masterclass that I recorded before. It's very juicy, very tasty, very amazing. In order to say thank you for pre-ordering the book but that one talks about control and all these things a lot and also the attraction conflata and if she is in a masculine energy and he is a masculine energy man and they're both trying to drive the outcome. Again the polarity can flatten. Remember what we talked about the feminine energy woman and man. Their polarity can flatten the same way the polarity can flatten between a masculine and a masculine. I think it's worth saying I wrote in relationships I like being in my feminine energy and this was this was like an honest moment I had here okay I'll read it to you because I think it's worth landing the plane on. In relationships I like being in my feminine energy not because I can't lead not because I'm incapable but because it actually works better for me in relationships and I believe it does for many women too hence everything that I do. When I'm in my feminine in relationships I receive more things I feel less tense I'm not constantly analyzing or steering the ship. I can be open to actually loving and enjoying that person and honestly it doesn't mean I waste my time managing him and this is the biggest realization that blew my mind open. I was on this podcast talking to Harabat work and I realized when I got successful my career was when I was forced to go into my feminine energy due to having kids and like having to soften with that and I stopped managing him because I started managing my children so the energy went from him to them and then because I stopped managing him and because I started to cure my anxious attachment and all the things I talk about in the book and on my three day intensive and all the courses if you don't know them I'll leave them in the link below. I started doing all that and deploying all of that. I stopped focusing my masculine energy my driving energy on him and actually focused it on work and that is when my work exploded okay and honestly I wrote it doesn't mean I waste my time managing him who has time for that I don't I don't my crew manage the dynamic I'm not the project manager of my marriage in my life and my business in work I'm very much in my masculine driving energy now I love direction I love decisiveness I love building the business I love building the company and the structure based in a feminine energy flow I do it in a feminine energy way again if you want those videos I'll leave them in the links below they're called feminine energy business models right so and I think women often get this flipped and this is the point of this whole video that is very very interesting they go into their masculine energy and relationships because they're scared to not control and they manage him they correct him they over function they matter themselves they carry emotional load and logistics over the whole relationship hoping to make sure that it's good because they're worried about it failing and that is the actual reason that it fails and in their business and in their goals they soften into their feminine energy because they're scared to be pushy they're scared to ask for money they're scared of things they hesitate they wait they second guess they avoid being assertive right it's actually backwards because in business if you're like that you're not gonna get anything you're gonna get shit all darling and in a relationship if you're in your masculine energy and constantly driving seeing as if you've got a masculine energy man it's gonna backfire if you want polarity in love you usually need to soften there if he's masculine if you want success in life you need to access your masculine energy there so you can drive the business it's not about suppressing one or the other it's about placing them wisely and knowing where to drive from and that my friends is on feminine energy and masculine energy in business if you have any questions leave them in the box below and I'll see you on March 3rd on my free live call while I'll be doing a whole presentation about seven steps from Trigger to Unbothered it's early free if you just register I'll see you there I'll be answering questions live too and love you lots like Jay Tots bye