Stop Abandoning Yourself for Unavailable People

If you're someone who loves aromans, that's not just about chemistry, but also about emotional tension and the ways people slowly let each other in. I think you'll really enjoy just between us by Lena Hendricks. It's a contemporary romance set in a small town on the coast of Lake Michigan and it follows two people who seem completely wrong for each other on paper, a tattooed playboy with the reputation and a woman who's determined to keep her guard up while cleaning up his family's mess. What I loved is that underneath all the attraction and banter. It's really a story about vulnerability trust and what happens when someone starts breaking down walls, you thought would never come down. The anonymous late night messages between them make the whole relationship unfold in a really compelling way. So if you're a fan of authors like Elsie Silver, Lucy Score or Carly Fortune, I think this will absolutely be your kind of book. It's emotional, funny, romantic, and yes definitely has some spice, but it never loses sight of the relationship, which is at the center of the story. And if you're someone who loves collecting beautiful books, the Deluxe Paperback Edition is gorgeous, has holographic foil, stenciled edges, full color, character art, and exclusive bonus content. You can find just between us by Lena Hendrix, wherever books are sold, in both print and e-book. Perustin Pyarelluva is one of the three of the most famous owners of the world in the world. It's also a bit of a shock that we can't really tell if it's a very technical issue. We can't even tell if it's an accident or a front-end, or if it's an accident. It's true. If it's a shock, it's a bit of a shock, it's a bit of a shock. We can't tell if it's an accident or a front-end, or if it's an accident or a front-end, or if it's an accident. How someone treats you is a reflection of their capacity. It's not a reflection of your worth. And in fact, that's one of the greatest breakthroughs that we could ever have is realizing that. It's realizing that if someone mistreats you, or is unkind to you, that it's never about you. It's really about them and their state. I mean, think about it. Haven't you ever just been in a bad mood? Haven't you ever just woken up and been sad? Not really feel good about yourself? It's a little irritable. Haven't you ever been so hungry that you get irritable from being hungry? You see, how we treat others is a reflection of how we're raised. It's a reflection of our values, for sure. But it's also a reflection of our emotional state. So again, if someone is not being that nice to you, it is their emotional state, it could be their values. And it also can be like how they were raised. At the end of the day, though, it's not about you. And like, the tragedy is that especially in relationships, and we're not treated well, we think, well, I must not be lovable, I must not be good enough. And look, this is something, this is a really corrosive story that happens. It's like someone's not unkind to you, and then we're kind of left to pick up the broken pieces of our self-esteem. And that's like a really real thing. Part of actually recouping your self-esteem is understanding that it's about them, not you. Listen, I had one of the worst things happen to me many, many years ago. My ex-husband, but at the time he was my husband, decided to break up with me, over a text on the same day that I was having a miscarriage and my mom was dying of cancer. That's how our relationship ended. Yeah, did we have a conversation afterwards? Yeah, but yes, but did he ever come home again? No, that's how it ended. And the devastation that I felt and the story, like, you know, how unworthy I must be and, you know, how horrible he is and then, you know, how horrible I must be that someone could do this for me, that someone could do this to me. And then healing happened when I recognized, when I started to really make sense of it all, that he was in complete survival mode. That is not to excuse his behavior ever. Of course not, but it's if I could understand that he was in survival mode, that that had to do with the way that he was raised, that had to do with him being completely divorced from his value system. That had to do with his emotional state and actually had nothing to do with me. Look, we divorced. Does that have something to do with me, of course, because it's a dynamic. But that actual, the way that that was handled was not about me. And that was the breakthrough. It is the person's capacity or lack of capacity. It's never about your worth. And when you can really understand that not only do you give, not only do you stop giving the other person so much power over your feelings and over your life and over your emotional state. But you also then learn how to let go. You don't hold on to the story anymore. Because you're not caught in this ping pong, this like painful emotional ping pong of blaming them and blaming yourself and feeling off, of course, you're going to have to process the pain of anything that happens. And you know, especially if it's something traumatic, you do have to process it. But freedom comes when you understand that it's not about you. It's their capacity. And that is also why this saying of like, if they wanted to, they would, yeah, I mean, I think there's in certain scenarios that that it does apply. Like if you're dating someone like if they really were into you, they'll make time for you. If they really like you, they're going to call you like if you're dating someone and they're really invested in you and they really like you. They're not going to be too busy all the time. No one is too busy for some, for anything that they really want and that they really cherish and that what they really value. But if we just take this a little bit deeper and understand the deeper meaning behind if they wanted to, then they would. And we take it away from just like a dating scenario. Lots of people are not doing the thing that they should be doing or the thing that they want to do because of their emotional state, their stress, their capacity or lack there of their upbringing. So make it less about you and understand that it's more about them and then you can start to let go and it's not even about forgiveness. It's literally getting to a place where you don't even have to forgive them anymore. You don't even have to forgive yourself. You can just see it for what it actually was and then you are free. When it comes to love these days, it's really important to be able to do something that you can't do. When it comes to love these days we like to think that we've got it all figured out. We have this false sense of I have control over this, I can filter for someone who's over six feet tall, I can filter for this religion, but not a filter to turn on to say, how kind am I, how loyal am I? This Valentine season, the Happiness Lab is digging into what really shapes our closest connections, with smart, practical insights from experts on love, intimacy and belonging. Listen to the Happiness Lab with me, Dr. Laurie Santos, wherever you get your podcasts. The number one sign that someone is genuinely interested in you, they feel more connected to you when you open up to them and are vulnerable. They're not in it for just a chase. The more they see who you are, the more they want you. Just to feel desired feels really good, but it is not the same thing as being valued. When someone values you, when they are genuinely invested in you, when they are interested in you beyond the physical, they want to understand you, they want to know your story, they want to know what makes you happy. Maybe they want to know what makes you sad, they want to make plans with you, they want to spend more time with you. And so the most important thing is that you value yourself so that you're willing to walk away from anyone who may desire you, but doesn't actually value you. And look, that's not to say that, you know, when we start dating someone, it's not like you just are poor, you're hard out right away and tell them every deep dark secret of yours. That's not vulnerability. It goes in stages. You know, I had someone write in and say, you know, I've been seeing this guy and been seeing each other for several weeks now. And, you know, I just recently was like hanging out with friends and I was on a hike. And I saw something that really reminded me of him and a conversation that we had. So I took a picture of me smiling, you know, on this hike and I sent it to him with like this little note of like this made me think of you and that's vulnerability. That's showing that you're thinking about someone, you're letting down your guard, it's like all that, all the self-protective games that we play of not trying to play it too cool. Like that guard is coming down and she's just showing herself like smiling with her hair up, like no makeup, like a little sweaty and just been like, I thought of you. And you know what? He never responded that day. He never responded that afternoon and he never responded that evening. It was like two days later that he responded like something with, oh cool, oh cool. And what breaks my heart is that this woman who wrote in said, I know that that didn't feel right, but maybe, maybe he was just busy and it's like no, it's not about that. It's about someone just not being that interested, you know, and we could justify it. We could say maybe they're emotionally unavailable or they're not ready for a relationship. But all those things, you know what? They could be true. But it doesn't change the outcome. It doesn't change the fact that here you are being vulnerable and this person doesn't care. They're not, there's no responsiveness to that. There's no, there's no nothing. And so if that happens, I know it's a bummer, but you have to see it is like, oh, well, that's boring. Because what's more fun or what's sex, you're actually then showing yourself in that way. And then someone being really responsive and then you're being really responsive to their response, that's how we form a bond with someone. That's how we get connected to someone. That's how we form an emotional connection. Don't waste your time, don't waste your energy on anyone who, when you start to kind of let down the walls a little bit and you just reveal yourself, you know, whether that's revealing yourself, you know, in a sort of impromptu moment where you take a photo, whether it's sharing something about your history or your family that's personal, whether it's sharing how you feel, you know, being really honest about your feelings. If that doesn't inspire this person to lean in, to be drawn to you, then they may desire for you, but they definitely don't desire you beyond the physical. Because if we don't have vulnerability, then what do we have? Without vulnerability, there's no connection. And it really should be two people letting down their guard, opening up a little bit and both people really responding to that. That's what creates trust and that's what creates safety between two people. And so there's, you know, there's a lot of red flags, there's a lot of green flags. This is not the only thing that matters, but it truly is the number one sign that someone is genuinely invested in you. And it's not a guarantee that it's going to go anywhere. It's not a guarantee that it's going to be a relationship that works. No one can really guarantee it, but it is a very, very reliable sign that someone really wants to know you and the more that they see you, the more that they want you and want to know you. The dating culture is shallow and insecure. People have never been more starved for meaningful connection, yet at the same time too guarded to open up and to be vulnerable. So you have to be different. Instead of managing other people's perception of you, be real, say what you feel, stop holding back to protect your ego, secure people, take the risk and open up. So much of today's dating culture is built around this performance of, I don't know, in difference. The person who cares less has the power. The person who shows their hand first, who kind of shows that they're interested, they're exposed. And so everyone is keeping their hands hidden and then the game continues and nobody wins anything worth having. And then we wonder why we feel so alone. And this is something that I have to say that is specific for women, though there might be more of you who relate to this. So much of the messaging that women are receiving from social media when it comes to a relationship in dating is lean back, don't text first, play hard to get, wait for them to initiate, follow these like rigid dating rules and wait to be chosen. And it's all a lie, it's all an illusion. I'm not suggesting if you're someone who likes to be pursued that you should chase. No one should be chasing anyone. There should be two people who are putting in the same amount of effort who choose each other. But this idea that you have to act like you don't care, the most secure person is the person who is not afraid to say what it is that they want. They are not afraid to actually reveal that they're interested or to show that they're interested. Because not the same thing as being needy, needy is not having a life that you enjoy and you feel a little desperate in the dating scene. And by the way, I think we've all felt this or you've been feeling really lonely. And then someone comes along who you find attractive and they give you some attention, but then they pull away and then you can't stop pursuing them in your own mind. You're obsessing about them, you're like analyzing their every move. You have a group chat with your friends about what they said or they didn't say. And that is what you don't want to do. That's neediness. That's giving all your power away to a stranger because they, I don't know, they lit something up inside of you that felt good. When you are secure, you're not doing any of that. But you're also not afraid to say, "Hey, I like you," or "I'm interested," or "I'm looking for a relationship." You are, you know what you want. You are fully yourself. You're not there trying to strategize. You're not following any of these rules that have been imposed on you about like how you get the person. You are just yourself. And you are relaxed in being yourself. And if someone, if you like someone, like you can express that you like them, that's not the same thing as overgiving or chasing. Just because you're open, just because you are willing to let someone in to this part of you, your heart, just because you express interest in someone, it doesn't mean that you just tolerate anything. You have to know your worth clearly enough to walk away from any kind of, I don't know, half effort. Being open does not mean accepting whatever is offered. Being willing to be fully yourself or to see someone fully does not mean staying in a situation where you are not being seen in return. And the same self-knowledge and the same faith in oneself that makes genuine vulnerability possible, the same courage to be oneself that makes that kind of vulnerability possible. Also makes it possible to recognize when you are, when what you're receiving is not matching what you are giving, and that you are willing to walk away, not because of like wounded pride or ego, you're willing to walk away with a very clue. You're right, understanding that the kind of connection that you want, real connection, reciprocated connection requires two people who are available, interested, and willing to show up for each other. I know that dating can be really hard. I know there's a lot of people who don't fully show up or there's a lot of people who show up to dates. They have no idea how to have a conversation. They're constantly talking about themselves, or they're not asking any questions, and if they're asking questions, they're like, it's almost like they're interviewing the other person, or they're asking questions and not listening to the answer. The thing is, dating is an opportunity for you to really practice your social skills. Because there is absolutely nothing more seductive and magnetic than being someone who can really carry a conversation and who can be themselves and who isn't afraid to open up a little bit. That's the name of the game. Stop analyzing the emotionally unavailable person. Stop wasting your energy, analyzing someone who can't show up for you and can't meet your needs. For a relationship to work, the feelings have to be reciprocated. You have to be choosing each other fully. The timing has to be right, and you both have to be ready. You just can't make a relationship work with someone who doesn't have the same feelings as you or is somehow just like not in a place in their life or psychologically where they can give the relationship they're all. And if we can't accept that reality, just we just give someone else so much power, enormous power over our lives. And this isn't just about walking away because they're emotionally unavailable. I want you to communicate. I want you to be brave and allow yourself to be vulnerable and to have the really uncomfortable awkward conversation about what it is that you need, where you stand, where they stand. And ultimately, you have to step out of your head, stop thinking about their behavior and step right back out into your life because I promise you that their emotional unavailability is not a puzzle that you are supposed to solve. And I know that this is incredibly difficult if you've been in a relationship with this person for a long time or you're married to them. What's this why it can be incredibly nuanced and sometimes it means seeking out third party help. Sometimes it means finally having the conversation that you've been so afraid to have. Sometimes it means trying to understand maybe they're pulling away because of a dynamic between the two of you. When we just stay in our heads, ruminating and trying to diagnose another person, we're trying to figure out the origin of their unavailability, where it's like we're trying to step into their minds and like we're trying to be their therapist. We're trying to understand and decode their behavior and decode their psychology and it's a losing battle because you're never really going to figure out another person. We can barely figure out ourselves. And so especially if you like are dating this person or it's like within the first couple of months and you're not quite sure, like you have to be brave and just open up and talk about it. But so many of us just get anxious about it and then we talk to our friends about it and we think, you know, what does that mean? What does it mean when they do this and when they did that? And all that's doing is taking all our focus onto someone particularly in this circumstance who we barely know, making them so incredibly important. And that is when we are actually abandoning ourselves, we're abandoning our lives, we're abandoning our purpose, we're abandoning our own needs. Everything becomes about this other person. And you know what? More than anything else, it's just a habit. It's a really bad habit. It's rooted in little anxiety, it's rooted in not really believing your worth. It's rooted in a fear of not being enough for someone. It's rooted in self-doubt, believing that, you know, you can't really trust your intuition about something, you can't really trust your feelings. It's rooted in this fear of saying what it is that you need or you want because you think if you say that, that you're going to push the person even further away, look, maybe this person is just not available to you because they have some sort of inner conflict. You know, maybe they are not actually, they don't feel that connected to you as you feel connected to them. But here's something that I want to say about that. I promise you, I really promise you, anyone who's not into you for whatever reason is not for you. So, I really want to challenge you to challenge yourself and ask yourself, why this person, especially, and then speaking very specifically about someone who you don't know that well, not talking someone you've been in a relationship with. You know, we tend to focus so much on being chosen and being wanted. And then we'd never stop to think like, do I even really like this person, right? It becomes an obsession, it becomes a fixation and we do this because a lot of us are conditioned to do this. We're conditioned to want to be chosen no matter what. And we do this because, you know, we might be super attracted to someone, even though maybe we haven't really taken the time to discover their character, to discover their values, to discover like, you know, how we actually feel when we're with them. We're attracted to them so that the obsession becomes, the pursuit becomes, I want this person to want me back, or I feel a connection. I felt such a strong connection with them and now that we're kind of exiting the very beginning lust phase of a relationship, now it's like we either transition to a more committed stage or not. And I'm finding that once it's getting time to, you know, really talk about the future and talk about real things other than just, you know, the lusty part. This person is sort of pulling away or I notice that they're not opening up. I'm starting to notice their limitations, their emotional and psychological capacity when it comes to holding a relationship. Trying to decode another person's behavior is how we really get trapped. It's how we trap ourselves into so much suffering. You have to, like I said, be brave and just have the conversation. If you're noticing that someone is pulling away or you're noticing that maybe someone doesn't have the capacity, your job is to be emotionally available yourself. And that doesn't mean no boundaries. It means really strong boundaries. And what I mean by that is just saying, you know, here, listen, I really like you. I would like to see where this goes, but I am getting the sense that either you're not really sure or what, I don't know what it is, but we'd love to know like your thoughts about this or, you know, what's happening. And the more direct you can be, the better. Even if you are like sweating and your heart rate is elevated because you're really anxious while you're saying this, it's so incredibly important. You know, we talk a lot about like breaking patterns and overcoming attachment wounds, but so much of it is learning how to be just an advocate for yourself in life. And it's not about being rude, it's just about stating what you see and having a conversation about it. And I wouldn't position it as something that you need reassurance on. It's not about reassurance. And sometimes it's not about anxious attachment. Sometimes it's just about you learning to trust your body, to trust the feelings that you're having, to trust sort of the signals or choose that you're getting from another person. And if your intention, if your desire, if your dream, if your goal is to have a loving relationship with someone, then you have to be brave and tell the truth and be vulnerable. There is no other way. And maybe by having the conversation, things can actually progress with this person, but either way, it's a win-win and you have to trust that if someone just doesn't have an in them for whatever reason, to be with you, to commit to you, you have to really, really, really remember this. It's not personal, because even if they weren't that into you and you're really into them, are you really into them? You know, like that's just how it goes and I know that it doesn't feel good. But again, I will keep reiterating anyone reiterating anyone who's not for you or anyone who doesn't want you isn't for you. And you have to trust that it's just if it doesn't work out that it's just going to make room for something and for someone who is all in and it does take a lot of courage. But you have to be a warrior of your heart and that means that you are going to open it to people who are all in and you are going to protect it from people who are just not all in. So if you're watching this and you're in this position or your friend is in this position or your sibling is in this position, encourage yourself and encourage them to put the focus back on you and to stop giving your power away and your precious, precious energy to someone who you're never going to figure out anyway. Marry someone whose character you admire because there is nothing that will take a greater toll on your happiness than waking up every day next to someone who has no integrity, takes no accountability and has no real desire to grow. You are never going to find the perfect partner and you are never going to be perfect. There is always going to be something that you are missing into. None of us are perfect. And to put that kind of pressure on someone is ridiculous because we're going to fall short too. There is always going to be something that we are going to have to give up because we value something else more. The number one thing that I have learned that is the most important thing to look for in a partner and to cultivate within ourselves in a partner is accountability. Because if we can't take ownership of we can't be responsible for our behavior and for the energy, just the vibe that we bring to a relationship, there is no other skill or strength that will matter. And so your partner is going to impact your nervous system. They're going to impact your sleep. They're going to impact your beliefs. They're going to impact your day-to-day how you feel about yourself. And if they can't take responsibility for the energy that they bring to the relationship, you will not have peace in your life. In fact, you will spend your days managing your anxiety instead of building a life. You want to look for certain traits in a person and we want to be able to develop these traits in ourselves. So regardless of how they look, regardless of how good their job is, regardless of how attracted you are to them, like if you're really attracted to someone and you don't know who they really are on the inside or they don't really have the same values as you, then please have a great adventure with them. Have a great love affair with them. Have a great summer fling with them. But if you are going to commit to them, if you're going to move in with them, if you're going to have children with them, if you are going to marry them, then you have got to have very similar core values and you've got to respect and admire the way that they move through life. Because if you don't, eventually, you are going to lose trust in them, eventually you're going to not respect them and then you're not even going to be attracted to them and then you're going to feel trapped in this relationship. And it's very, very painful when that happens. And so we can't predict everything. We can't predict how someone is going to react to a very difficult thing that happens in life. There is no 100% certainty when you decide to be in a relationship with someone. And that is a risk that if you want a relationship, if you want partnership that you have to be willing to take, but you can really reduce that risk by taking the time to really know who this person is and to listen to your gut, to listen to that voice inside of you when something tells you this is not right. And so the core traits that you want to look for, these core integrity traits is they have integrity. There is consistency between what it is that they say and what it is that they do at least most of the time, disproportionately most of the time. They tell the truth. They're honest, especially when it's hard to be honest. They're reliable. You can rely on them to follow through with what it is that they say they're going to do. Like I said, they're accountable. They own their behavior. They have to be non-negotiables because it's the only way to actually build a healthy relationship. And if you want children, find a partner whose character you would be proud to see reflected in them. So if someone has a lot of charm, if they're fun, if they are witty, but they have no accountability, they don't show up. They're not consistent. Guarantee they will be a lesson, not a partner. Juliana Love is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe, Music by Will Tendi.