095. Steve Rannazzisi, Bonnie McFarlane, Colum Tyrrell | Hate

All right, Story Wars, before we start the show, you should know that me and Big J will be on the road. Come see me June 5th in Springfield, Missouri, June 6th in Tulsa, Oklahoma, June 7th in Oklahoma City. Then I'm off to Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago, Illinois, La Jolla, California, and many more. Story Wars is hitting the road as well. Thursday, August 6th, we'll be at Comics at Mohegan Sun. You can get tickets for all those shows and more at lewisofskanks.com. Go to bigjcomedy.com for tickets to all my day's greatest yet for a live tour happening right now. Coming to a city near you, Spokane, Stanford, Buffalo, and so, so many more. It never ends. Look for a city near you today. Bigjcomedy.com. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's. Story Wars with the Story Warriors, Big J. Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez! Oh, yeah! There's that pop Lewis was hoping we'd get. What is up, Dirty Jers? Welcome to Story Wars. Make some fucking noise in here for me, will you, please? That's it. Back in Dirty Jersey. Sold out show. We sold out the show in less than an hour after we announced it. You guys are the fucking best. You guys jumped on board with that. Thank you guys for being here. And I was worried. We walked in the room. It's so bright. I was like, Jay, stop making eye contact with everyone. We're not going to get a pop. I made eye contact with nobody. Then Lewis, as he's saying to me, just starts staring at everyone individually. And pointing at them and fucking soul bonding. And I was like, just act like you're not in the room. Just talk to me. And he's like, I can't. Everyone's looking at me. We're not going to get our pop. All I want is a pop. Jesus Christ. I do this for the pops. This guy lives for pops. I live for pops. We asked of every show, how many people are familiar with the game Story Wars? How many people are not familiar with Story Wars? Right here. Sir, you went on the website for the exact minute you needed to, to randomly. To randomly buy comedy tickets? These two fucking tattoo artist Nazis just need an alibi before they kill this black guy they're hanging out with. Sir, if you're here, who's harassing Jews at the mall? He's changed, dude. That was the old him. Every day he gets out of the shower and cries while he covers his swastika on his chest. Sure. Well, look, I'm very excited about today's show. It's going to be fucking incredible. We have a star-studded panel. Well, yes. I also say, if you're not familiar with the game, we will explain it when we get our amazing panel up here of contestants on the show. Our first contestant, you know him and love him. He is a boarder. He's been on the show a couple times now. We don't have his record here. That's a thing. Yell at the staff. You know him from the Cockfight podcast. Make some noise right now for the hilarious Colm Tyrrell. Tyrrell! Welcome back to the show. The number one most requested person to replace Dave Smith on Legion of Skanks. Is that true? Yeah, probably. Out of the gates? Right up the gates. Dave leaving is bad for my career now. Why is that? Because now you have no one to replace at the last minute. That's true. Every time I'm on Legion of Skanks, it's a 10-minute text going, We're starting in five minutes. Are you here? And I'm like, I'm already here. I'm already dressed. And our next panelist, another returning Story Wars competitor. She's got a book called You're Better Than Me and a documentary called Women Aren't Funny. Clap it up as I just can for the legendary Bonnie McFarlane. Aww. Hello. Bonnie makes me so happy. I love when we have Bonnie on anything. I'm actually Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Oh. I didn't realize you were side-jobbing as Jim Carrey's clone. You've got to talk out of your ass or we're not going to get it. Was it? You've got to do the Ace Ventura. Talk out of your ass. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you're saying, but. The AI hasn't learned yet. Last but not least, our final contestant. You fucking know I'm in love. I mean, OGs down to before this was its own show. This is one of the guys that made this show something we wanted to do. Absolutely hilarious. His specials, Man Child and Breaking Dad. His podcast, What's the Odds? Clap it up real big for Steve Renizzisi. Fuck yes. This is the time, guys. Lock in. We're here for history. It took Steve four hours to drive here from Long Island. Yep. And he was dying sick. He was dying sick hours ago. I was a little sick this morning. I threw up a couple times. No, it's out of him now. It's out of him now, Bonnie. You know, it's probably not, Bonnie. They told me to nap it off and get my ass here. Here I am. He said I'm on IV antibiotics, and I said, shut up. But this is going to be my Jordan flu game. This is the one I'm down. This is it, yeah. This is when I'm going to fucking. I don't like this at all. Pop 50 up on the board. He's going to just spew all over the front row. I like it. You're going to be sweating like this, and at the end, you're going to go, that story's Lewis. I'm going to barely write the S. It was Lewis. Oh, my fucking God. It's going to be sick. It's going to be a very fun one. We are here in a special Dojo of Comedy episode down here in Mars Plains, New Jersey. If you're unfamiliar with the game, these guys, or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very, very simple game. It's a very, very simple game. All five of them. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Lewis? Hate. Hate. Hate. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read off eight of those stories. Did you forget her name? No. Oh. No, I was doing a dramatic pause. Okay. It's Jersey. I forgot. Alex, our lovely producer. I forgot what you did for a second. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take a moment to read off eight of those stories. Read them off one at a time. It will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time we guess the story correctly, you get two points. And for every person on the panel that you fool, you get one point. So when it's your story, you have an opportunity to get four points. It's a very important moment. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board, put the dry erase board in the slot and remove your hand. That's it. That is your final answer. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, you guys that have never been here, Nazi guys, you can die. This is a lot of fun. This is going to be more fun than throwing rocks at brown people. Oh, shit. But we're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. Do you think those guys are going to fatten up this black guy and hunt him tomorrow? I just want to put it out there. We should all keep an eye on that. Every week here on Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library. This week's winner will take home Tomorrow is Yesterday. Life, Death, and the Pursuit of Peace in Israel and Palestine by Hussein Agha and Robert Malley. We should all read that. On October 7th, 2023, Hamas fighters killed more than 1,100 people. Steve was there. You're damn right. I barely escaped. And took more than 200 hostages, prompting an Israeli response that in turn has taken tens of thousands of lives and devastated them. The Gaza Strip, Tomorrow is Yesterday, tackles the question, why did this happen? And can anything be done to grant peace and justice to Israelis and Palestinians alike? USA! USA! Tonight's topic is hate. Unrelated. Unrelated. Circumstantial. Totally circumstantial. I think everybody who's going to get it is going to get it. Let me ask this crowd. Mars Plains, New Jersey. Dojo of comedy. Are you guys ready for war? We said, are you ready for war? So is Israel and Palestine. Yeah. How can we stop this war? They're playing a big game of Story Wars in the Middle East. Yeah, they're all lying. Alex, take that bad wing and read us story number one. It's going to be louder. Come on. That was, start the whole thing over. That was uncomfortably low. It didn't make anybody feel like they were part of something. Alex, story number one. Yeah! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I felt something. By the way, can I just say this? Because a lot of people probably haven't been here before. This is how it always is. It's like such a mess. This is how it is. is you're not like oh is we on an off night no this is how we do it here this place is straight jumping 24 7. juke joint story number one riding the train one day when i was younger i got so furious at a woman blasting her music that i started screaming at her until we were broken up it's me i think it could be bonnie no bonnie's not screaming at a woman we are all bad at this game just so you guys know we've all played this and we've never yeah none of us have ever won i am oh and four this is like it's sort of a this is like a make a wish like yeah then these guys are gonna sit it out for the episode so one of us i'm oh and four you're one oh and three and you're i've i believe i've won no they told you they were i was told after the fact that i actually did no oh well look i don't want to be a about it but i think i want but anyway my my new tactic is every time i do it i think it's someone and then they say no it's not me so then i change my answer thinking why would they lie to me and i keep getting duped so my new tactic now is as soon as i do it i'm just i'm going with my gut i'm going with my gut and you can't talk you're too true that's how the brits got you guys yeah you got to go good instincts yeah steve went with his gut this morning that's what he was throwing up that's what i threw up well i gotta say just doing some uh deductive reasoning um when i was younger well when i was younger i guess i've ridden the train before but i've rode the train in new york city never in philly in new york a total accumulative in 25 years six times it only takes one time to argue with a young black kid you're absolutely right it may have been the reason i never did it again that's all you need but i don't think i ever got there so this steve you grew up in long island yeah this sounds like me dude i have to read this twice to make sure it wasn't me a lot of l-i-r-r bonnie what do you think bonnie was younger taking the train and she grew up in canada there's no trains i started screaming at her until we were broken up what does it even i don't write like this this makes when you were sense yeah they live on trains in canada though riding but if i it was me i would do this i'd be like writing the tray it doesn't even make sense this is my fantasy every time i see a young puerto rican or black kid on their phone listening to music i was like oh i would love to say something but i need to get home when did that start you could just listen to your music on the outside you can't everyone does it everywhere now all the time on hikes he's getting mad right now this is definitely steve it's not me i wish it was dude it could be steve i i've been in this place before where i wanted to do this to someone can i got her can i got it unless you're a complete psychopath of a guy a psychopath yeah what's striking me here is she was blasting her music i just started screaming at her yeah coming out of the gates screaming that's a woman that's fine a guy before he started screaming i would go like miss come on turn the music they would be like a little more like maybe i just as a guy i would go like miss come on turn the music they would be like a little more like maybe i just as a guy i can be authoritative in this and then if she goes you might get there but only a woman would be like are you crazy yeah but you're not taking it from canada where black people aren't a thing so she's right i could scream at anyone i wanted she thought it was she thought it was a ghost you're not taking it you thought you were yelling at a shadow of a white person they were a couple dude they were the train they were a couple so i mean this could have been the last straw this could have been the thing where he just goes they were a couple you know like no no i don't think broken up they were dating i think it's they were no i started screaming at her until we were broken up i know but they mean they mean broken up physically i read it the same way oh i thought they like were a couple and they broke up with each other is steve playing the game right now yes yes dude i'm i i am i am dude brilliantly so we don't here's the thing i will say you don't know that they just started screaming eventually they started screaming it doesn't say someone had to break them up yeah somebody had to break the way that's the way it's should have been written i think it is um here's the thing all right so look big j i i just realized it is a woman so i would me and i know jay we're very smart you'd both put hands on women so it could be either one it should have been i threw hands at a woman stop you are you gonna get correct right now i'm not being as funny as i can here's the thing i wanted if it was a dude i would want to say something but i'd be like i just got to take this on the chin because i think about it every time but with a woman i would like excuse me miss would you please turn that down and turn it down a little bit more excuse me man i would if she reacted unfavorably i could be brought to screaming at her screaming yeah screaming isn't what dudes do yeah we do i scream all the time no you yell oh i mean but i mean i guess potato potato clothes they're coming right but it's who caught the patata is a chick saying screaming why am i convincing you vote for steve it's bonnie booyah i don't think bonnie's telling somebody to turn their phone down bonnie suck my dick vote for somebody bonnie would make like a passive like i'd make a couple of phone calls and that phone would get turned off good instinct i said bonnie and you can't convince me otherwise unless canada doesn't have trains i'm i think i'm correct no this was probably i i assume this was canada girl lost in new york city early on and being like this is and not knowing that like at some point when you're on the train you're in you're in that black lady blasting her music's world you don't go into her world to turn her music down you just go fucking fall into your white world and hope to god you get wherever you're going without getting stabbed i haven't heard this story from jay but he has ridden the train a few times i think that was a weird excuse to throw it out in the beginning like he's never ridden the train i don't scream like a lady well you know what you're gonna scream when i get these points oh fuck me running it's lewis i'm gonna give you guys free points it's lewis you've touched it that's crazy fuck me i don't know why you know it's me i don't know how do i play this to make this work to my benefit stop pointing at me cocksucker buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy buddy i'm telling you i've never screamed at a strange lady this is what they do i've been a woman this is what they do i spit in a woman's face without screaming at her this is what they do oh i hate this steve thank me later dude we can't let lewis run away it might not be lewis but i certainly promised you all right now nobody thinks it's bonnie that's a ridiculous thing i don't even think it's bonnie anymore oh my god lewis cleaned up she wrote cole dot um she's she's called that we've met a hundred times and she's like who are you cold that's what it sounds like phonetically it works alex all of our answers are in story number one who was screaming at this woman story number one belongs to column terrell it's pronounced call oom call oom i told you a lot i told me a lot i did a lot oh yeah nobody was really good nobody was talking about that story came out he had a verbal diarrhea this is how i'm playing the game just remember i was like this guy just remember for the future just remember for the future though huh wasn't me that's true you're right what happened here this i was uh on my way to work one morning so it was like 6 00 a.m 6 30 and i was working at it whatever i was working in a potato factory yeah door-to-door door-to-door potato salesman hello get your freshest potatoes it wasn't the potato factory it was the potato factory that's for the ladies uh oh yeah and then there was this like younger mexican girl and she just started and i i was like trying to sleep with my my hat over my eyes and then she just that's ironic she was like that's our job you can't sleep mexican yeah they're very sleepy you don't have them out here ice cleaned up huh and then she started playing her music and then it was just like you know like startled me so much i go what the are you doing and she's like i'm a doing well so then i she just like wouldn't not play her music so then i took out my phone and played music as loud as i could oh my god mexican and irish music battling oh my god dude oh my god it's like a lord of the dance wore a sombrero guys let me know if you see any ninja silhouettes behind this in case we have to get ready for a fight i broke my samara so how what was her reaction we were kind of just like going at it and then uh people beside her life was like calm down calm down and then eventually she got up and walked away but there was the people around us i don't know what was going to happen next but i would have my phone with my music right beside her face like that as loud as i could going we i'll do this all day she's that song from the department over and over again i was playing i was playing in you put it to sleep yeah all right alex where are points at story one wow all right on the scoreboard in second place with two points bonnie mcfarland bonnie bonnie let's not up those points like last time hey and in the lead with three points column turn Colum Tyrell. Colum Tyrell. Alex, story number two. Story number two. The first time I smelled vagina, I hated it. But pretended to love it. My instinct's Bonnie. It kind of is, too. Like, why would they leave a vagina story in if it wasn't Bonnie? What the fuck, Colum? I'm going instinct, I'm going Big Jay. I told you how I'm playing the game. They can't convince me I'm wrong if I'm wrong myself. And I can live with that. I can sleep with that. Big Jay, lock it in. I don't want to insult whoever wrote this story. But I would never just resign myself to the word vagina if I had the chance to use a pussy word. Well, we're trying to get this on Netflix. We're trying to get this on Netflix, Jay. Yeah, no, I know. But I would say, like, slit. That's clear. A little clam. You know, I've taken to coos lately a lot. Either way, vagina. Cooter's an old classic. Oh, my God. I feel like cooter is Canadian pussy. Bonnie's got a cooter. It's like the local hockey team. I haven't seen my cooter in a while. The Calgary Cooters are playing the game. I reckon that's one hell of a Canadian cooter down there. Oh, I've heard tell. I've heard tell. See, like, the only reason, and I'm maybe overthinking it, I think it might be Bonnie, is because this story seems like a dude's story, but. Do you think she smelled her own vagina? And she thought she was going to love it. She pretended to everyone. She's like, I love the smell of my cooter. That's so funny. Don't you love it? Mm-hmm. I love it, yeah. Can I just go to the bathroom? Really let yourself down. You're like, fuck. We Canadians love our smelly vaginas. This could be Colm, because the first time he smelled a vagina, it was from a woman who I assume was sword fighting all day on some kind of a plane, because there can only be one immortal. Yeah, with some sort of Game of Thrones pussy. She ran through the fields, escaping a wilding or something. She's been fucking working all day in Middle Earth, and then she comes back to you and crosses over the moat. You don't want to smell a pussy north of the wall. She's been making swords or something. Sure. And none of that was a problem. It was just that she was a ginger. Ew. This-- This is Jay. Steve is being very quiet right now. It could be I am. It could be Steve. It could be Louis. Steve was a bit yappy the last time. I feel like it's Colm again. Hey, hey. He's doing the same thing he did last time. That's how you play the game. Yeah. They call me Cool Hand Colm. What'd they ever do to you? Did they ever do two in the same-- like that fast? Absolutely. She went two in the pussy. Yeah, that's how you do it, buddy. Yeah. That's literally how you do it. Yeah, it's only one for the stink. Yeah. Honestly, not for nothing. I go the other way. It's so weird. Two in the stink, one in the pink? Yeah. Oh. She goes, oh. You're going to turn your hand like that? Yeah. I'm dyslexic, so I have a very tight pussy, but a gaping asshole since I was 17 years old. It's the Canadian conversion, they call it. Steve, tell me why this isn't you. When's the first time you smelled pussy, Steve? Probably 15, and it was fine. It was awesome. Years ago? I never-- I gave it-- You almost threw up in your mouth when you said that. What? It was awesome. I've never heard anyone more passionate about pussy. It's not me, dude. I love pussy. He goes, no, dude. It was fine. It was fine. I fucking love pussy, and everyone here knows it. I wish I could have it now. I wish I could have it right now. Oh, wait. From the first day I smelled-- I was sick before I got here, guys. I love pussy. What was her name? What was her name? Bill. William. I mean, Wilhelmina. No, I love pussy. I've never not loved it. I love the smell. I've gone down on steak. I've got-- It's a wonderful pussy. I love pussy. Well, it doesn't smell great, but this is the life we've chosen, so we got to do it. I agree. And you got to-- I'm going to go down on steak. I'm going to go down on pussy. I love pussy. I agree. That is the fucking-- That's the thing, dude. You don't embarrass somebody like that, you know? Yeah. Once in a while, a girl-- You tell everyone later, but you don't do it right then in the moment. You got to keep-- What's she going to say? "Don't go down there. I ran here"? They're not going to say that. That's not going to stop me. No. Girls do it on purpose. They're this fucking asshole. I'm a pleaser. I'm not telling that. I'm going to stick my finger in. They'll probably look at me and they-- It's Steve, though. --funk it up. I'm getting Steve vibes. Dude, come at me, bro. I know who I'm voting for. Well, I'll wait. He put me-- I know who I'm voting for. I'm going last this time. Bonnie just drew the symbol for pedophiles this morning. Steve, you should have drawn a pussy. Please don't. For what it's worth, Steve, it could be Louis for sure. I think it's you. It's definitely not me, but you could choose me if you want. Honestly, it's not you. I can't think of anybody else besides Louis for this. It's not my story, but I don't remember loving the smell of pussy. No, I was going to-- It's like whiskey. You got to pretend you like it for a while. I know. And they go back to back sometimes. Now you got a little-- Now you have a cigar and some pussy. First of all, he voted very fast, and Colm comes from a land where they don't know how to wash their pussies, I'd assume. Dude, I bet you probably-- It's fucking Jay, and it's Jay. They're weird. I know how mean he's being about my people, because I smelt it off him. All right. I said him straight away. It was a good instinct, and he's been pretty mean about the Irish, because the Irish are onto these fucking Jews. Yeah, we're not-- And we're very vocal about it, and I've read that book a few times. They're onto it. They're into it. Whoa. Don't believe his lies. Oh, it's Jay. Jay's squirming. Yeah, see, the only thing-- We're not considering the fact that Jay is a flaming homosexual. Yes. So this actually tracks-- He's a squirmer. Not one of you have considered that. Jay's a squirming. I got you on the hook. Have you guys met Christine, otherwise known as Beard Evans? I want to-- Here's the thing. Steve is just acting too weird for me. I got to go with Steve, or I don't think it's Big Jay, but I think this could be Bonnie, and I think that's why Alex-- I got to get this right. I got to get this right. If it ain't you, dude, it is one of you two fucks, but I got to get this right. Yes, yes. It is one of you two fucks, but I'm happy everyone else voted, because you're all wrong. I'm a people pleaser, dude. But she could be right. Bonnie could be right. I've eaten the stinkiest pussies I've gotten in front of. Yeah, but you didn't pretend like you-- Come on. One fucking time. Let's go. Let's go. Oh, shit. Where's Steve? Oh, shit. I think Steve's acting at the end right now. He wouldn't have added it in. This is just-- This is terrible acting. This is why you're not in the league anymore. But he already won. Why would he continue to lie? She's so happy. Fuck. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number two belongs to Louis J. Kronos. God damn it. You were the gay the whole time. I'm getting closer. Go ahead. Let me smell it, because I love pussy. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. This was in the sixth grade. My best friend, Mike, had a Jewish girlfriend. Had a pussy? What? No. I wonder. You didn't like it. I think that was his asshole. Yeah. In hindsight. One of those back vaginas. Poreskin cheese. Like they say. One of those rare. Smell of hindsight. My best friend, Mike, is the book we're giving away next week on Story Wars. And it's about a man with a back pussy. No. He was dating this girl named Megan, who was like a chubby, half Puerto Rican, half Jewish chick. And he fingered her every day after school. And he did the classic thing where he would let all of his friends smell his finger. Is that classic? Her pussy smelled like. By the way, I do like the term of classic. Isn't that classic thing? You know how we did OG style? I've always, always 100% understood the joke of the guy letting everybody smell his fingers. Never been in a smell my finger situation. No. I love it. No. It's a pull my finger. Ha ha. Now your hand smells like vagina. Yeah. Pull my finger. You got pussy on your fingers now. Now you got pussy all over your hands. No. He would let us smell his finger after he fingers smelled his finger. Let us? Let us. Yeah. I think he fingered his own asshole. Yeah. You guys stood in line. I think you guys stood in line. This bitch. You are scammed, man. Here's the problem with 12 year old girls. They don't know how to clean their pussies yet. And this is how I know that. They don't need to, Louis. You fucking idiot. I don't get it. They don't have to. You fucking idiot. It's got new cars smelling it, dude. Are you a fucking moron? What are you talking about? There's still white people. Are you fucking moron? What the hell do you think? I said it. Your mothers don't talk to you soon enough. Mothers and daughters. Am I right? What do you think Epstein wanted all those 12 year old pussies for, dude? Because they stunk? They stunk, dude. You fucking idiot. Well, look. This girl's pussy. Get the potato washer out. We got some pussies to clean. This girl's pussy stunk like hot fucking garbage, dude. And I remember he let us smell it and I'd be like, mm, awesome pussy. Yeah. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah. like hot fucking garbage, dude. And I remember he let us smell it, and I'd be like, mm, awesome, pussy, yum. And it was disgusting. And then he went to bed that night like, ha, ha, ha. Louis smelled my asshole. He smelled my asshole. Why? Nightmares? Why does my penis smell so much better than this girl's vagina? Maybe I should explore other penises. Alex, where are our points at? Oh, gosh. Fucked. Fucked already. All right. Tied for last place with zero points each. Big Jay Ogerson and Steve Rahn is easy. In third place with two points, Bonnie McFarlane. But I thought I got three points. Didn't I get a point for someone picking me? No. Oh. Oh, shit. This is why you keep losing the game. I'm thinking. you won yeah i definitely won i won in second place with three points column turtle i'm right i got you right where i want you and in the lead with four points lewis j gomez hey you limp dick motherfuckers dealing with ed sucks doesn't it but treating it doesn't have to thanks to our sponsor today hymns hymns helps you get personalized prescription treatment for ed with trusted generics that cost 95 percent less than the brand names oh that's that's light on your pockets which makes your wiener feel bigger hymns is also has in-house products like their hard mints and sex rx plus climax control with 100 online access to personalized treatment plans hymns brings expert care right to your limp dick door yeah you don't want to and i have this story this is story wars i've talked about this before there's been times where i couldn't get it up you know one time i couldn't get it up with a really really hot chick and i thought about it every day since lewis obviously that story 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code wars with a z for 15 off at take ultra.com after you purchase let them know story war sent you all right let's get back into it story number three story number three an old roommate was such a cunt i used to piss in their dresser drawer at least once a week they never knew it was me and were always so upset it made me very happy it's lewis that's lewis lewis has lived with girls and every time he's been with her he's been with her he's been with her he's been with her i mean just roommates and every time it has gone like cops called possible courtroom situation bad i mean i've lived with i've lived with females but i've only been the only other roommate they would have to know it was me who else is pissing in the drawer no they just because they just never they just probably accepted that their drawer smelled like piss and you live with and you live with a woman who may have smelled like piss all the time at one point oh my god why would she always smell like sam lyon i'm trying to think of how i've only lived with two women ever one was a giant alaskan comedian we won't say who may have smelled like piss smell like piss thank you thank and the other one was like an old lady i did live with my drug dealer's mom oh that was hilarious yeah yeah is is cunt just for woman here or is cunt more like like the way you guys say very english word i'm not picturing it's true i'm not picturing bonnie hopping up in a drawer to take a sit piss on someone's fucking clothes i think it could be the first non-gender thing is gonna be it's bonnie well no you're right this says such a cunt this doesn't mean it's a woman but this this is like a woman thing to do right this is like a pure evil this is hatred this i did jerk off in my roommate shampoo bottle for a month before i moved out it was a guy it was a guy shut up it's okay everyone no you thought i was a woman but i'm always afraid of that in the comedy condos and then lewis used it and look what happened buddy hair got pregnant condo go go to cvs and get some little baby tresemme's even the nice ones the mothership literally fucking come in the goddamn shampoo man they're coming in the shampoo bottle it's a great prank that's disgusting my shampoo never runs out it's incredible it's such good value it's a never-ending bottle of if you shit in the shit if you shit in the bottle this will be called shampoo oh and it smells like lewis's fingers guys guys guys he does that in his act oh curtain pull that's been in his fucking set for three months be coming out soon oh he was waiting to unveil that um yeah i mean this is a great point cop that colin brings up it doesn't mean the cunt was a woman this could easily be a guy have you ever this does seem like steve is like no way pissing in somebody's that's how that's a hilarious collegey type thing to do i piss in my wife that's why i piss are you guys in the water sports just kidding guys jk long island really is a swingers community she's never gonna see this but jk i appreciate i appreciate a swingers i don't get it can you pee if you're hard uh yeah it's it doesn't okay i guess thank you then but it's it's harder shots i remember from health classic a valve it comes out like a lead like instead of full power because it's like trying to shut down both systems if if i never pissed when hard are you doing your thesis on this what the fuck i was about to pull out the pen and be like jeez i'm gonna go with steve or call him well you're wrong about me wrong about me too dude yeah i just said that i got nothing we have to trust you know what i quit never mind i'm going bond i think this is a like a vindictive lady thing to do it shows commitment to do it every week and also to be happy i'm just like it makes me happy they were upset that's like a female they he they were upset so i'm happy that's like women this is women's shit this is a women i know but like when a girl takes a piss they have to like wipe or like waddle to a bathroom to wipe after they piss it's not a satisfying action whipping your wiener out and just dumping it in a drawer and taking a fucking fat piss well hold on it feels great you got to consider it could be a bottom drawer she just stood above it with her legs open even if i'm just saying a girl taking a piss doesn't have that same like hanging one out of your wang feel man this wouldn't even resonate with a chick jay dude oh shit yeah dude because you're talking too much yeah wow he's gone steve i locked in i think steve's onto him and i want to what i think one of jay's tells is yeah somebody votes for him he votes for them automatically right away when i know it's not me yes yeah but why wouldn't you want to get the points get those points huh big jay's the answer wow wow it is oh it's not me but is it you you fuck that's not me i would do this i know alex all of our answers are in i think it's steve oh if it's steve i'm gonna be so pissed oh it's fucking steve fuck story number three belongs to steve ran as easy i'm never right about jay's tells the fuck yeah dude steve tell us this story was it a guy or a girl college dude you had someone was on to it i go oh no oh no start talking column start talking column but yeah i was in college it was i'll say his name kurt barney i still hate him to the day we were tripled he was an upstate piece of shit and uh every week my my other guy friend that we would take all of his clothes out of his drawer piss on the wood oh and then pat the clothes down into them so like he would smell it, but he would feel around and you don't feel wet. You just always had the stank, dude. And when we didn't smell it anymore and it hurt us. It hurt us too. We were in the room. But his hatred of every time he opened that drawer made us happy. Oh, so that was the hate. I thought you hated him. We hated him, but he was so upset by this obvious Worth it. Worth for you to live in this room. Yeah, he was like, somebody's cursed my underwear drawer. That was us, dude. Well, it turns out it was at Steve Redizzi. He blessed that drawer. That's right. I christened that bitch. It was awesome. Wow. Great story. Alex, three stories down. Where are our points at? Alright. Tied for fourth place with two points each. Big Jay Oakerson and Bonnie McFarlane. I don't know how I'm getting points. I'm on the board. Tied for second place with three points each. Colm Turrell and Steve Redizzi. And in the lead with four points, Louis J. Gomez. It is a very, very close game right now with three stories down. It is so tight that all of us can taste living in our libraries already. Tomorrow is yesterday, which looks closely at the rise and fall of the Oslo peace process and the many attempts it made to build a lasting agreement. Drawing on their work, advising Palestinian leaders as well as U.S. presidents, including Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden, the authors offer an inside account on the talks, the personalities involved, and the decisions that shaped the conflict. Alex, story number four. Story number four. When visiting someone's house, my friend went looking in rooms and found an old Klan outfit in a closet. Was this guy on the panel? Yeah. Oh, shit. When visiting someone's house. My friend went looking in rooms. When somebody has to have a friend, that narrows it down. Yeah, that's why I thought it might be you, Bonnie. Yeah. Do they have a Klan in Ireland? Call 'em. No, it's gone. That's an old wives' tale? Ask me again off camera. Okay. That's a great point. Is there a Klan in Canada or in Ireland? There's got to be a Klan in Canada. You think so? Yeah, there's got to be a Klan in Canada. Cha, cha. The Klan in Canada. Looking for the Klan in Canada. Cha, cha, cha, cha. The Klan in Canada. Cha, cha, cha, cha. The Klan in Canada. Cha, cha, cha, cha. The Klan in Canada. I don't know. There's definitely a Klan. Get those blacks, eh? Get those Jews, eh? Quick, quick. Get your sheets. Get your sheets. Oh, all these black guys moved into our neighborhood. These bleeding blacks. Putting gravy on your fries. Killing all the Jews. But this didn't happen to anyone here. This is just this retold story. My friend went and looked. That is true. Which is weird. Well, this is also like, it could be just a friend and was like a person who lies about stuff and came back and said, I saw a Klan. Right. It's not even evident of anything happening. Me. I grew up in West Philadelphia. Born and raised. There's better chance of-- Ha, cawk. We're ha, cawk, cawk, cawk. We would find an old break dancing linoleum or a gun sometimes, but a Klan outfit. There wasn't enough white people there for that. Visiting someone's house. And if they were, their Klan outfit wouldn't be visible. Visiting? Who would be visiting? You guys are the worst at this game. Found. Who finds? That's a very southern. That's a southern. Found. I don't find things. Who's finding things? I don't find things. I see things. Who sees everything? Just sounds like Jay. He's always finding things. Yeah. I am very, I am very willful. Yeah. You know? Tell me-- I think-- If it was me, it would be a new Klan outfit. So that's not me. I think visiting is a very southern thing. Is it back to the dry cleaners? Talking, calling somebody, visiting someone's house is a very southern thing. And then I'm wondering, because none of us are southern, is it also a goofy, rural, Canadian thing? Probably. And for those reasons, I'm out. Yeah. This isn't Shark Tank, dude. I'm sorry. I meant for those reasons, I think it's Bonnie. This isn't who wants to buy the Klan outfit. Yes. Bonnie. I apologize. But I do have one-piece Klan outfits, though, that I am thinking for Shark Tank. I will say, I would have joined the Klan if the colors weren't white. I can't wear white. I spill stuff on myself. Yeah. It's a whole thing. I look terrible in all white. If they made me black, I'd be like, weigh in. Lewis can't be in the Klan or Hispanic, because he can't wear white. I mean, how do you hate after Labor Day? It's hard. Very good. I'm bombing tonight, but these are all great bits. It's not bad. These are all great fucking bits. It's not a bad fashion bit. You guys don't deserve Lewis. Yeah. How do I hate after Labor Day? That's going to go in my act, Bonnie. Write it down, Tom. That's going in the act. Write it down, Tom. Add some tags, Tom. It's not in the act, but it's going in, baby. The new piece of the act. Wait, where is the Klan, though, honestly? Where is it? Like, where is it in Canada? It's in all of us, dude. Yeah. It's in your heart. You find the hatred. It's like The Last Dragon, dude. The master is always inside of you. But, Pop-Pop, how do I find the hatred? It's the one place you haven't looked. I don't think I'm racist enough for the Klan. Go to the movies at Friday at 8:00 PM and see it this morning. You'll get there. You'll find it. You'll find the hate in your heart. You just got to look around anywhere urban. Yeah. I mean, this could be anybody for that reason. Like, having a friend's story is a little bit of a weird-- It's tough. It could be-- because it doesn't have to be about the person that's on the panel. It could be one of your fucked-up friends. I don't think Big Jay-- here's the thing. Big Jay plays the game enough. I've never seen him put in a story about a friend's story. That's the only reason why I'm not thinking it's Big Jay. Thanks. Who do you think it is? I'm getting Bonnie vibes. I got to be honest with you. And this is like, this is like, Voss told her the story because he's such a Jew. He was like, did you know what happened? What time? Did you know what happened that one time? Oh, shit, dude. Fucking Voss hates the clan. I saved my friend. Voss going through-- yeah, Voss going through everyone's closet. You know what's funny? Looking for old jackets. This is Bonnie's story about her family, but she tells Voss all the time that it was a friend of a friend. Yeah. No, I was visiting somebody. And then we went to their friend's house, and there was a clan outfit. I would never be that close to that kind of nonsense. Bonnie, you're terrified of your psychotic Jewish husband. Steve, what the fuck? I go and get the instinct. I'm going, Steve. Go and get the instinct. Oh, baby. I think the clan could be-- I don't fucking know. Playing in Long Island? Where the fuck would a clan be in Ireland? I don't know. But it didn't have to be there. It could have been here. Bonnie, are those Easter egg tits you put at the top there? Or eyes? Are those eyeballs or tits? They're eyes. But I was like, if someone calls them tits, I'll know what they're fucking thinking about. Tits. Wait a minute, Bonnie, is the Owen column a butthole? What is going on with you? Wait, what? Did I do the-- Is that Emma Woman spreading her legs wide open? Can you class it up? Did you draw a bush in the middle of that M? Is that you, the little hanging thing in the back of a slut's throat? It's just letters, guys, just letters. OK. Oh, yeah, OK. Everybody's in? That's a great sketch. Alex. It's a good sketch. Story number four belongs to Colm Turrell. Colm Turrell. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Colm, who was his friend? Bonnie's fucking on to me. Who was his friend? Oh, a friend is-- no, so this is-- I was part of the story. I guess I wrote it in a way that it seemed like it was just a different story. Too obvious. No, I was working for a moving company, and we were cleaning out someone's house. Oh. Like in-- I don't know where it was. Oh, because if you wrote moving company, they would have known. America? I just said visiting someone's house to try to keep it as-- yeah, in America. There is no Klan in Europe. Oh, all right. Hatred only exists here. Ha, ha, ha. Um-- But also, no black people exist there. This was just one of those houses that, like, when you showed up and nothing was cleaned yet, and they were still, like, unpacking boxes and all sorts of shit. And then one of the guys I worked with was like, go come here, have a look at this, because we were going through shit. And in the fucking-- in the closet was like this old fucking Klan outfit, this old white Klan outfit. Didn't look like a costume. Looked like a legit, proper piece of work. The patches were sewn on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was-- and I know my Klan outfits. Sounds like you tried it on, yeah. These weren't stickers, my man. These things were fucking sewn on. You got pictures? So what-- what-- what'd you do? What was your reaction? We didn't do anything. You don't say it. You put it on, you're like, woo. Yeah. Yo, did you-- did you move it? Did you pack it for the move? Was it the hood? They packed it. They packed it. You got the hood, too? You saw the hood and everything? Yeah, it was all part of it. Damn. It was all attached to it. I think that's what makes it a Klan outfit. Otherwise, it's just a white cloak. I found some Klan pants. I think there's also white gloves like they're fucking, uh, like a Disney mascot. I just found a white shirt. shirt. That's a Klan shirt. That's definitely. If ever I've seen the Klans, this. He's got eight Klan shirts in there. Oh, I see you, Hanes Beefy T. But when we worked in the moving company, yeah, we would show up all the time, and people just wouldn't be ready. You'd have stuff packed up, and you'd try to take, like, a wardrobe, and it would be full of whatever. You've moved me. I remember when you used to move people, you guys were really cheap, so that's the type of people that you're dealing with. You need to charge a lot of money, and then you're dealing with classy people who are ready to go. We would show up all the time. We showed up where people, there was, like, syringes and stuff underneath couches and everything. You told me you would never tell anyone that story. I remember you moved my. No, yours was the child porn incident. No, you moved my mattress, dude. Call him, and I remember who you're moving with, but my mattress was covered in period blood, and I remember being like, God damn it, I feel bad for these guys. He's got it on his face like this. Why? Big deal. So what? The movers found out that you're a woman now. Big deal. And I hated the smell of that mattress. Smells like disgusting pussy. I have to rub my beautiful-smelling dick all over it. Four stories down. Alex, where are our points at now? In last place, with two points, Big Jay Ogerson. Oh. I don't care. It's early. It's early. In fourth place, with three points, Steve Ranazzisi. Tied for second place, with four points each, Louis J. Gomez and Bonnie McFarlane. And in the lead with six points, Colm Turow. The Colum! Colum! You know what else has six points? The Star of David. I have it tattooed right here. He watches us by laughing at that, so come on. This is our halfway point of the show. Four stories down. At this point, we're going to do a little bit of plugs. So, Steve, what are you plugging, my friend? Oh, I'm going to be in. Sorry. Toronto. This comes down in like a month. Toronto in. This comes down in a month? About, yeah. Oh, alright. Toronto, Canada, end of March. Which is less than a month, but hold on. Those shows were great. Yeah, they were awesome. Toronto Backroom Comedy Club, and then Key West Comedy Club, second weekend of April, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Tickets at steveranaziza.com or PunchUpLive, whatever you prefer. Get them! Steve and Aziza. Bonnie. Pass. I said pass. I said pass. Colm Turow. I don't know. Comedian Bonnie McFarlane. That's my Instagram. Hell yeah. Bonnie McFarlane, come on. Thanks. Colm, check out my podcast with Tristan Bowling and Lev for Cockfight. You can see me on the road. ColmTurow.com for all those tickets. I'm coming up in Detroit, Columbus, Phoenix. Loads of dates up there. ColmTurow.com. Thank you very much. BigJay. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. Greatest Yapper Live tour happening right now, and then of course, go to. Make sure you check out Bonfire on Faction Talk Sirius XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. Four days a week. Five days a week, I guess, for the best of. And, of course, the flagship show over here, Gas Digital, The Legion of Motherfucking Skanks. Oh. And follow me on YouTube. Subscribe to my YouTube. BigJayOakerson. I do live streams inconsistently and put a bunch of stuff up. Come check me out on the Rattle Me This tour. Come to a city near you. Go to my website, lewiswithskanks.com. Sign up for my mailing list. You get a bonus podcast, the Lewis Journal podcast, just for subscribers to my mailing list. It's free. Check out all the other pods that I do, Realize Podcast, The Regs, The Legion of Skanks, all on Gas Digital, gasdigital.com. If you guys don't know, we have, I think, like 30 or 40 episodes that you can't get anywhere else of Story Wars, plus pre-release, and all of our episodes are ad-free and uncensored. So all the words we can't put on YouTube, guess what? You get them in advance on gasdigital.com. Use the promo code WARS. You save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly, which is the best thing you can do. And I have a book myself that actually just started shipping. It's officially out in Bronson Noble or on Amazon. It's called Knives and Spoons. It's a memoir of my childhood. It's great. People really seem to like it, so go buy that as well. And yeah, that's that. Fuck yeah. Alright. Since pretty much everybody here knows the show, you guys know that while me and Steve seem like we're fucked up the ass, I'm just dragging down me. Steve, you're beating me. I'm in last place. It's a very familiar spot for myself, but I'm a second-half guy. They call it a tale of two halves in sports. And this might be no exception because, as you might know, everybody here has been done the show before. For the second half of the show, we go double points. This guy looks confused here, the Nazi. I'm sorry, guys. It's a. This guy is comfortable, dude. I love it. No, we're comedians. It's real when you did it. There goes our YouTube. Sorry, sir. Before, you could kill one Jew, but now you get to kill two Jews because you have double points. Wow. It was a solid analogy, but not exactly what's happening. Whereas before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct person, you got two points. We now know that that bumps up to double points. I feel like they could be more excited about it. No. They're stoked, dude. This is fucking Jersey. This isn't the one we do the show in Manhattan where it's a bunch of people that are tourists in there and they're just doing this stuff. These people are off to work tomorrow. And they fucking came out tonight, so they're fucking exhausted because they also worked today. And I think they're doing pretty fucking good for being exhausted. Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! Jay! Who starts it for themselves? Come on, guys. Jay! Come on, Jay. What a moment, Jay. He rallied the troops. This is a very blue-collar looking crowd. A lot of these people worked double shifts. Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Alex, story number five. Why is it low again? Why is it low? We look like fucking assholes! It's double points! Now, wait. Hold up. You're an asshole. Oh, because I. Because you're not a storyboarder. It's alright. Don't be. You cannot trigger double points. I was just being. I didn't realize that white guy's got a wolf on his head. He's got a wolf tattoo up at the side of his head. Oh, yeah. That's intense. Yes. Story number five. I lied and said my grandfather just died to get out of a gig that I've done before and hated. He actually died, many years before that gig. Ah, the good old grandpa died lie. Well, this says a lot about whoever wrote this, which is not me. No, but somebody tried to get out of a gig, which I don't know. Maybe Jay has, but I don't think. Lewis doesn't get booked. Yeah. Lewis is taking every gig he fucking gets. Ah, interesting. This is an old Grizzle vet. This is going to be either Big Jay or Bonnie. Thank you for calling me Grizzle. You're not Grizzle, dude. You're holding up great. It could be me. It could be Steve as well. Me and Colin, this is actually a great point. Neither one of us are trying to get out of gigs. No. Bonnie, it's too much of a push. What if it's like a shit gig? I just wouldn't lie. I would just say, well, I would lie, but I wouldn't go that extreme. I would just be like, hey, I decided not to come. No. Why would you say yes to the gig if you hated it the first time? Because I'm a good guy, Steve. Yeah, that's a Jay move. No, that sounds like somebody who's. Oh, trust me. I'd try to get out of this gig. No. Okay. I told them my grandfather died. They said, we don't care. Get in here. Steve did try to get out of this gig. No, I wish this was me, but it's not. My grandfather died, both of them, when I was in the fifth grade. Here's a great point, though. Big Jay is very nice. Big Jay's a really nice guy, and he's a people pleaser. He doesn't want to tell people no so I could see him saying yes to a gig that he didn't really want to do and then being like, I got to get the fuck out of this gig. My grandfather died? That's unscrupulous. He wouldn't. That's unscrupulous, dude. Well, my grandfather died when I was young. It's Steve or Bonnie. It wouldn't matter, I guess. I don't think it's Jay. I think it's Steve or Bonnie. Oh, it's definitely not Steve. not me, guys. You're going down the wrong path here. I'm going to go Bonnie again. I think you guys are giving Big J some points right now. He's excited. He's trying to hold it. Not me. You're right. You're right. Oh, shit. I'm up his ass. He's loving this right now. Historically, people text me or message me that when you hype me up, that it's me, that it's often you. Who texts you this? DMs. This never happened. Thank you. Thank you, audience. It's never happened. Absolutely happens. People message me all the time with the ideas. Lewis does this. It's a tell. There's things on the Reddit where they have charts where they're like, no, when he does this, this. None of it's right. It makes no sense. These are autistic retards. But I don't think it's you. I do. I'm getting Big J vibes right now. I'm going Bonnie. I'm sticking to Bonnie. I think it's Bonnie or Steve. To go twice again for the same gig? Why would you say yes to the second gig again? That's what I said. It has to be somebody's story. No, I'm saying I had done it. He's saying, who's that stupid? That's what he's saying. Bonnie says Steve. Thanks, Bonnie. I get it. He's just being like an idiot. It easily could have been me. Yeah, Steve is a people pleaser, but I'm going Bonnie. Who lied about this gig? Come on. Let's hear it. Story number five belongs to Big J Oakerson. The audience wants you to win so badly. I think it's sad when you don't get points. They want to be here for like a legendary Big J win. Every one of them. Yeah, Big J, are we right? You're just a people pleasing asshole? Yeah. It was so funny, so I didn't even get out of the gig. I'm such a people pleaser that this, my grandfather thought, didn't get me out of the gig. It got me half out of the gig. It was a heavy metal cruise ship gig. And so I said it to get out of it, but I was like, but I mean like I, you know, I already said I'd do it. So it's like, I'll go, but when we get to the whatever, the Bahamas, the port, like I'm going to fly out of there. They were like, totally cool. And then I thought it would be over and they were just accepted. This is how it's going to roll. But when I, from the second I got there, the whole time they kept going like, and we're also, man, we're like terribly sorry about your grandfather. And I was like, he's going to be missed. This is a tough one. I'm going to be at the all you can eat crab buffet if you need me. Mourning his loss. What would you have done if they asked where they could send flowers? I would just give my home address. You can't get flowers at your home for your grandpa's funeral. Want to bet? They don't know where we're burying my grandfather. We're burying him underneath your pavers. Yeah, we're doing a fucking cowboy funeral for my grandpa. No, but that was the worst. It was all weekend. Everybody was like this amount of sympathy outpouring during that. Those three days I was on the boat was fucking and I felt terrible. You're ready to rock before we do that. Let's have a big moment of silence for big James grandfather. No, no, but more like would you host Baylor? Make it in bingo. We hate to ask this. I know you're going to forget. I even asked sleep in. You're going through it. You got to go back there and face your grandmother who also was dead. You have to go back and face your grandmother. I was like, I know she's in pieces right now about it in pieces is a Papa Roach song. Papa Roach was on the boat. I know they were. No, I know. That's why I was helping them laugh at your joke. Yeah, this crowd is a work sleepy told you double shift. I know these guys got to wake up and go work at warehouse. This is tomorrow. That's a house that turns into a wolf. Yeah, I'm going to be put it in the act. Tom out for her points in last place with four points. Bonnie McFarlane you haven't had a story of us left. He's ashamed of you. Tied for third place with six points each. Big J. O'Kerson and column Terrell. Wow. Wow. Fucking double points. I'm in it in second place with seven points. Steve run is easy. I do it. All you do is has to be in it and in the lead with eight points. Louis J. Gomez. I think Louis J. I think Louis has won every time I've been on. I've won. Yeah, I used to win almost every week and it's falling off. I've only won like once or twice in the past couple of months. It's fixed. Yeah, obviously. I think this is chowing stuff. He knows it's Jason. OK, it's Steve. The fix is in. 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They have a GLD lifetime warranty, so you're going to have these pieces forever. They really care about their products. They care about the customers. Work hard. Change the game. For a limited time, new customers are getting an insane deal from us. Use code wars, and right now, you're going to get 40% off. No. At GLD.com. Impossible. When does that happen with jewelry? How do they make money? When does that happen with jewelry at all? That's the one they want you to see. They're worth doing. They're worth getting. Sometimes people get a little scared about jewelry from a company that's new, you know? But 40% off. They want to get it in your hands. You'll see how great it is, and you'll be coming back for more. 40% off with code wars with a Z, W-A-R-Z, at GLD.com. All right, Story Warriors, let's take a moment right now and thank Body Brain Coffee, which is the company that I started about a year ago that people absolutely love. You know Body Brain Coffee at this point. It's Colombian freeze-dried coffee with amazing adaptogens and nootropics that are blended in. You feel like the best version of yourself. Supports your testosterone, supports your mood, and supports your brain function. But I also want to talk right now about the brand new Body Brain Creamer that just went into presale. We actually extended the presale until June 1st, 11:59 PM Eastern. You got to get it by then to save 25% off. No promo code needed. Nothing like that. Dude, it tastes so good. It's dairy-free. It's sugar-free. It's keto. It's coconut milk powder-based, but it's got C8 MCT. It's got cordyceps. It's got rhodiola, rosea, collagen, and a little bit of Ceylon cinnamon for flavor. It will make you feel so good. All the adaptogens stack perfectly with the Body Brain Coffee, so you can get them both and have one complete cup of coffee. Jay, I know you hate taking 10, 15 pills a day, especially because you usually shove the pills in your ass. I feel like it's a long process. Sure. I do love stacking things, though, and cramming them up my shitter, so the fact that you added a second product to your repertoire really is good, and I'll tell you what, in about six months, I think I'll be ready for whatever else you add to this company. Oh, yeah. We do have a sweetener coming on down the line. Nice. Your ass is going to be so sweet, dude. Oh, my God, dude. Once you get the stirrer, though, I'm out. Once you get the. If you've ever seen Jay taking his pills, I mean, literally putting his legs behind his head, shoving them in one by one. The angle's hard. It takes 15, 20 minutes just to get all these pills in your ass. You don't need to do that, Jay. You can simply drink a cup of coffee. Never stop talking while I'm doing it, though. No. I could have a full conversation with you while I'm doing it. He does it on the podcast sometimes. Blasting my asshole. Just go to bodybraincoffee.com. Right now, check out our line of products. We just launched the creamer. It's shipping in mid-June. Grab the coffee. Grab the creamer. You're not going to regret it. People absolutely love it. Bodybraincoffee.com. If you want to save on the coffee, use the promo code WAR20 for 20% off. All right. Where were we? Alex, story number six. Story number six. I had a roommate I hated, so a friend stood in front of their window in a mask and pulled out their junk. Cops were called, but no one was arrested, and the roommate moved. Steve's never liked a roommate, and he just tortures them. He's pissing. He's fucking hanging dong in the window. Yo. Yeah. And also, let me tell you something. Me and Louis aren't pulling out our dicks, because when you pull out your dick for comedy, you're only doing that if the comedy involves your pretty decent-sized dick. And me and Louis aren't pulling out our dicks for comedy, because we're going to have some fun. We're going to have fun. I'm going to have fun. And I'm going to have fun. I have a lot of friends who would pull their dicks out. That's fair. Joe DeRosa, Kurt Metzger. For both for different reasons Ari Cups Ari Ari would have done this in a second Ari would shit in front of that window Ari texted me today It made me so happy Ari's back Yeah He's alive He's gonna show you his dick soon He sent me He sent me a And I'll show it to you He sent me a picture I'm not gonna show you His dick you psychos He literally sent me This picture right here Who's the expert on Ari's cock over there Let me see Let me see Alright we can't show that But I'll draw it What He goes Why don't you say us I didn't have his new number He goes You wanna know how I know you're gay Because this gets you hard And it's just a picture Of a dude's asshole It'll be blurred He's not wrong And I didn't know who it was And I was like How do they know Oh I love the smell of that hole Lewis was certainly Impenetrable Because now that shit's A little light on the fact That you texted me And you go Is this number Ari's number I went yeah And he goes Oh It was the only person I could think of That would send me something Oh god I thought I was caught Oh What a relief Thank you I'm getting Steve vibes From this story This is like College fucking horse shit You are You are The consummate frat guy You hate your roommates And you like to piss And shit on their belongings Steve Is this you Steve Why do you Steve Steve You need Oh Bonnie You wouldn't have done that If you'd just done the roommates I had I wouldn't All my roommates are people Like we know still Yeah It's not Yeah DeRosa was your roommate And then you got married Yeah Steve is my answer No it's not I'm going Lewis No stop it Colin Colin you Actually I don't want you to win Put Lewis You've already had two stories right Well I don't think I can win But it doesn't matter No you can still win I'm going Lewis But Cause I can get Odds Yes This sounds like something Lewis Alright Oh fuck I'm gonna go Lewis too Are you writing me down If it's Steve now What a show I got it Cause otherwise I don't want you To run away with this thing Fuck it Steve We get it You can act We get it Go We were kidding dude He spelled your name like column Like a column Yeah I don't know how to spell His fucking name Cause I'm a pillar of strength Oh yeah it is A pillar of the community A column of Pride Pill head of the community Irish pride Alex all of our answers Are correct Oh Bonnie you cunt Story number six Belongs to Bonnie Bonnie fucking No way Bonnie just cleaned The fuck up Yes Yes Yes Started from the bottom Now she's here Holy shit I thought junk Was gonna give me away But no I guess that's You guys talk like that I thought junk Was Lewis language So who was this roommate No it was a roommate She was just like A roommate that I had That had a Had a job And was so annoying And so of course So you had your friend Sexually assault her Yeah it was my comedian friend When I stood out Yeah she got scared She was like Losing her mind She called the cops It was crazy I was sitting there like Oh my god What did he look like You know And then she moved Cause it was It was a ground floor apartment She was like It's just too insane Who was the friend that did this She was like a comedian friend In Canada That I fucking hung out with Did you have to convince him No I believe he convinced me He's like sick It was Jim Carrey Yeah Catherine O'Hara Eugene Lee Eugene Levy It was Martin Short Did I say John Candy twice And so she ended up moving She did move Because she was so terrified Of the sexual assault Yes That you purposefully Had done her Oh there's a pervert One aggressive I tried to talk him out of it Now I'm starting to see How bad this story is I This was back before The Me Too movement This was a different time I was the one who called the cops No yeah No it was a different time It was the 90s Girls going wild When she was leaving Was she like Looking at you like Why aren't you leaving Like were you into that No we weren't friends We weren't friends like that Oh I thought you were gonna be like Well let me ask you a question I guess that guy thinks You're prettier I know Why did you hate her so much What made her such an awful roommate She was like Annoying you know She just wanted To not be noisy When she was sleeping And you know Not leaving wet towels On the floor Whatever You know what I mean It's just like One of those It sounds like you were A shitty roommate Yeah I was And then you Doubled down on it No I would eat her food She would get so mad Yeah It was crazy And then you had a guy Fucking jerk off in front of her He didn't jerk off Question Last question I'll ask about this Was he hard or soft I don't know I didn't see I mean I wasn't there It was outside her bedroom window If it was soft He has a big dick Yeah I'm gonna think about it For a minute See I don't want Girl I don't want people To see my hard or soft dick It has to be in between Then I'm like Look it's soft This way Yes And then by the way It's weird It's weird Cause it's almost hard size But I can bend it all A thousand different ways But then it just Kind of gets hard in that Yeah I don't know Six stories down Alex where are our points at I am the science Alright tied for fourth place With six points each Big Jay Oakerson And Colm Turrell Wow Thank you Did I get a lot of points or not No In third place With seven points Steve Rannazzisi Oh yeah Wow Feels good up there huh In second place With eight points Louis J. Gomez Way Wow And in the lead With twelve points Wow Bonnie McFarlane Wait That made your points swing You hear all the girls like Me We did it Yes queen Well girls Lose your minds Because There's four girls in here Look around It's like Party of one It's like all these dudes Just came in alone This is the first night Most of these guys Let them off that Fucking furnace chain All the girls are wearing pink So we know they're girls That major major point swing Is brought to you by Of course Double points Double Wait so Double points is for Whoever tells the story Also Yeah That's not fair It should be just double points For the Well you're guessing Because Call them Technically my stories Could have been double points It was just I got fucked At the start of the show Anybody can get double points Not if you're But what if I don't have Another story For the rest of the game Well you're fucked But then it's not fair Well It's all random We always say Yeah right Yeah nothing in this life Is random Lewis V-Han won the show One time Didn't win the show Didn't have one story Didn't have a single story in it Fuck her Right That's what we said Oh did I Did I Am I playing a Where's the dumb bitches game No Let's name some dumb bitches That aren't playing here tonight No I'm not playing that game I'm playing fucking Story Wars It gets in you man People want to win When they're here You know it He wants that book Yeah Give me that book Alex Story number seven Yeah Yeah Story number seven In high school I hated a girl That lived in my neighborhood Simply because She was really ugly We used to sing Man Eater By Hall and Oates To her When she walked by And she would cry This is from Lewis' act Here's what I'll say Hall and Oates Is an old man reference Yeah I do feel like That Lewis What's the song This is Big J or C Oh here she comes Watch out boy Can we hear a little bit of it Shalom to the man eater Bleeding hungry Big J can't help himself This is his story And women from Philly Are disgustingly ugly She only comes out at night The woman is wild Woo I mean it's gotta be It's gotta be Big J or Steve Cause you guys are Fucking grandpas Yeah Again it could The last one was Could be us Could be calm Because their songs Came out later Now he's getting all quiet Came out in 2012 That's the first English thing He learned out here Man Eater This is some young kids music Yeah She's a man eater That's right She was ugly And we'd sing Man Eater at her Oh she'd get so pissed off She'd get so pissed off I don't know who this is This is tough This is a tough one I mean it could be Bonnie too Here's the thing It's me It's me But it's not me So I could be Bonnie I agree with the references I don't think Bonnie is that mean But see what Bonnie did When she hated her roommate She had a guy show up In the shadows Bonnie's not gonna sing Man Eater To an ugly girl Walking down the street That's crazy I changed my mind I changed my mind It's Louis This could be Jay Why do you think it's me? Because you put Man Eater by Hall & Oates In there to make people Think it was me That would be a good play I was gonna say Whoever put it Was interested in music Otherwise you'd just Put the name Steve hit the notes If I did a reference I could do the whole thing I'm telling you Oh shit I wouldn't throw A reference this hard Here's the thing The song that it is And the band Isn't making it funnier I wouldn't put in that detail Because I think people would think it's me because I would say the band and the song. This is Louis trying to pretend to be me. Or is it you trying to let us. You're seeing now, oh, I should have done that. It could be a double flim flam. I think it could be any one of you four. Double flim flam. D-O-U-B-L-E, flim flam. Here's what I'm saying. What Jay is saying does make sense. I feel like just writing Hall & Oates would be a Jay reference. Putting Maneater in quotes. Blah, blah, blah. Go ahead, give your points so I can make you feel like an ass. Why don't you put it in? Put it in, dumbass. Wow. He sacrificed a point to fool the rest of you. This is Big Jay or Steve unquestionably. I think it might be fucking Steve. What Jay is saying does genuinely make sense. I think Jay writing Hall & Oates would be such an obvious Big Jay thing. He references Hall & Oates. Maybe three times a day. I'm from Philly. They're Philly legends. Are they from Philly? They were rival gang members who met in the dumpster. That would also make sense if the girl, like singing Maneater to a girl from Hall & Oates, if they're from Philly to a girl in Philly is such a fucking. They hid from the police. They only know two songs. It's either E-A-G-L-E-S or. They hid from the police after a gang fight together, even though they were on rival gangs and realized that they harmonized like a son of a bitch. That's the story I was always told about Hall & Oates. Rival gang members. I'm going good instinct. I'm going Steve. Steve's doing a big thing. He's looking up right now. He's a high school hunk. Could be Steve. Could be Steve. My first instinct was Steve because it wasn't me. And you know this ugly bitch loved you, too. You know. That Steve Ren is easy. He's going to be famous and he won't fuck it up at all. You know Steve. Honest Steve, we call him. He always sings songs to me and serenades me. Honest Steve. Bonnie, you're being very quiet over there. What are you thinking right now? Well, I was thinking that you wouldn't use the term simply because, you know. In high school, I hated a girl that lived in my neighborhood simply because. Oh, just because she was like. She was really unattractive. I'll be Steve. I'm feeling good. Yeah, it's got to be Steve. Wait, audience, who do you think I should put? No. No, you can't poll them. They always say it's me. Phone a friend. I'm allowed to do it. No one's ever said that you can't do it. Oh, it's Steve or Big Jay. Fuck me. Oh, you're breaking. You're breaking on my stare. Your stare makes me wet. It's not me breaking, I'm getting horny right now. Wet check. He's right. Ew. Yuck. I guess I'm going to go Steve Ren is easy. You're saying Jay, but I'm saying Steve. But I know it's Lewis. You know nothing. You just, you wasted your vote. Do that now. Story number seven belongs to Lewis. Jay, promise. Ooh. Ooh. And Jay, you called it, dude. He did. You changed the words so that everyone thought it was you. I specifically wrote it in Jay's voice. I practiced this in my mirror. Simply because. When you said that, I go, that's Jay, dude. Jay. It was, I swear to God, you literally got me exactly. I was like, this is Jay. He would say, man, you're right. I was writing Steve. I knew it wasn't me, so I go, age Steve. This song works out with me and Steve. And I go, oh, wait a second. At the time, I don't even know if I really knew the song. The kids in my neighborhood, it's on Railroad Avenue. There's a girl named Tammy. And when I say ugly, this bitch. How old were you? I mean, this was maybe ninth grade. You didn't know man eater yet? No, dude, I'm younger than you. We couldn't have been friends. No, I mean, I maybe heard it perfectly. But the other kids were singing it to her. And I was like, oh, this is a hilarious thing to sing at this ugly bitch. And she'd walk down the street. And we'd get off the bus and be like, whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy. And she was like, ah, stop bullying me. Like, ah, she's crying. Oh, she's grosser when she cries. She was so fucking ugly. I wish I could find her today because I want to see what type of sort of fucking rhinoceros she turned into. She killed herself years ago, Louis. She was disgusting. That was me, Louis. That's Bonnie. That was Bonnie before she turned. Before she turned her life around. I didn't want to say anything. Before she gave her life to Christ and boss. Yes. If you remember, if you. I got braces, OK? If you grew up on Railroad Avenue in the 90s, you know this girl because she was just so unfortunate looking. I've never, to this day, I've never seen an uglier human being in my entire life. She ran for treasurer. If she was here now, I would sing Maneater to her fucking face. She doesn't deserve your sympathy. She was that ugly. No, she really was. And her boyfriend. She brought it up. She brought it up on herself. Her boyfriend was like a 30-year-old black guy, and she was like a 13-year-old just disgusting fat white chick with pimples and a gnarled fucking nose. Oh, my God. Did you see? I tell you, they make three-point shooters now. Did you see Predator Badlands? Do you remember what the callus ate for food? Whatever that giant beast was that he hunted, that he cut in half? That's what she looked like. Oh, nice. OK. Go check out that movie. It was a great movie. It was way better than I thought it was going to be. I turned around to go to sleep. I was enthralled. Alex, seven stories down. In last place with six points, Colm Turrell. Double points. Fuck me. In fourth place with seven points, Steve Ranazizi. Steve hasn't scored a point since the first half. Neither have I. In third place with ten points, Steve Ranazizi. Hey, thanks for coming out. Steve's got a three-hour drive home. This guy does not know how to treat people. Cry about it on the way home. Thanks. I do the PR for the crew. In third place with ten points, Big Jay Oakerson. Moving up. Moving up. Still in. Still in. In second place with 12 points, Bonnie McFarlane. I'm doing my best. And in the lead with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez. This book is coming home to me, Jay. Nah. We all want to bring this book home because, of course, it's Tomorrow is Yesterday, which places recent events, including the October 7th attacks, my daughter's birthday also, and the war in Gaza. We were celebrating. What? She's Hispanic, so we do celebrate her birthday month. Into a broader historical context, the book argues that these moments are not isolated tragedies, but part of patterns that have repeated for decades. By examining the history, the politics, and the emotions driving both sides, the authors explain why peace has proven so difficult and why this is so important. The search for a solution continues. Look, everybody, he's the first guy that got beheaded by ISIS. Tomorrow is yesterday, everyone. We have one more story. Are you guys ready for your final story? Anybody's game. Truly, at this point, truly anybody's game. Everyone is still in it. Alex, story number eight. Story number eight. I drove directly towards a group of protestors who were about to block the tunnel because I wanted to go home. There's a couple clues here. Everybody here can take a tunnel to go home from the city. Is there a tunnel going along? Yep. Yeah. Is there? Midtown. It's the Midtown Tunnel. Midtown Tunnel. Really? You're going to laugh at me, you fucking pieces of shit? That's not even in my act yet. Oh, is that guy's right? There is no tunnel, you dumb shit. Oh. Yeah, there is a tunnel. The Midtown Tunnel. You take it home. That's how I got home. It definitely could be me. It's not, but it definitely could be me. Yeah, we all live in Jersey. Steve lives in Long Island, so everyone. Is Bonnie cruel enough to try to commit murder? Yes. Bonnie's my first instinct. Bonnie's my first instinct as well. Canadian. Come on. Yeah. You're stuck in the car. Yeah, nobody protests there. You don't know what these people are. Gathering idiots. I mean, if protesters blocked my car, I would take joy in running them over. That's exactly. I would run them over, then I'd back up, then I'd go forward again. That is also the problem, is everybody here would drive towards protesters aggressively. I would for sure. This could be any. I pray for the day that protesters get in front of my car. I would. I wish this was me. I envy this person's situation. Lewis buckles up and goes, this is it. We did it, dude. I film on Louise, nobody next to me. Let's do it. I turn up, hauling oats. You're all ugly. You're all fucking ugly. I gotta get home. Bunch of fucking man-eaters out there, you babies. Oh, here she comes. Get out of the fucking way, ugly. Dish, dish, dish. Dish, dish, dish. Oh. "Oh, here I come, bitches." Yeah, I don't know. This is Bonnie's story, I feel like. Bonnie, how is this not you? Well, if they're protesters, I'm probably the only one on the right side. That is true. Bonnie would get out of her car and be like, yeah, fuck Trump. Yeah, but these were all live matters, guys. These are pro-Palestinians. I wish this was me. I really do. Yeah, this would be awesome. This could be everyone. Definitely has Lewis written all over it, too. Yeah, there's a lot of rage, obviously. You have road rage. You've talked about it many times. I feel like I've heard this from Lewis. Have I heard this from you? Is this him? Yeah. Colin, when did you get a car? My wife got a car. Therefore, you own half a car. My wife owns a car that I drive. And honestly, this is like something I'd forget I did. It's not me. This could be Lewis for sure. I think it is Lewis, really. But I'm worried about the back-to-back story and you're playing the odds here. But that's not a thing. It's also Bonnie. So we could have back-to-back stories. You could have three stories in a game. You could have no stories in a game. What happens is we all submit three to five stories and then Alex puts them in a random order generator and then they all come out however they come out. And if your stories come up in the first half, you're fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of stories. I hope you understand. Yeah, yeah, we're all having fun, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, don't mind me. It's Bonnie or Lewis. Well, he's got the anger, you know. So if you like that, it's fair. This is not me, but I can't win, I don't think. So I don't kind of care. So if this is your story and nobody votes for you, you could tie for first place. He's saying it's not him. Oh, I can get it. Okay. Only if no one votes for you, right? But it's not my story, so I can't win. So I can't win. So now how do I use my strength? Yeah, we've got to figure out who it is. You've got to tell me. I don't fucking know either. You want me to win. If I knew how to. It's not. Jay, you're fucked. It's not me. Oh. You're fucked. I think it could be Cole. I know, I think it is. No, there's no point in going for me. I swear to God I'm trying to help you. I swear I'm trying to help. I didn't think it was you, but now I do. Why do I do now? Is this bad? No. Who could it be? I'm going to lose again. Steve's only had one story. I hate to do that because it really doesn't matter. And you had back-to-back, but I 100% fucking believe it's you. No, I didn't have back-to-back. I had one in the first half, one in the second. Do you want to win this or not? Bonnie's saying Steve. You're fucked too, Jay. I know it doesn't seem like Bonnie because she would be like, yeah, you go, girls. But I feel like if Bonnie wanted to just get home, she would fucking like straight over them. We would all do it. That's the problem, isn't it? Yes, you're correct. I would do it. We are all capable of this act. Whether I was on the right side or not, I'd be like, I got to get out of here. Oh, but I forgot he's, that Midtown Tunnel doesn't have the protesters. We'll get your abortions tomorrow, but Mama got to get home. I know. I'll send some money somewhere. I'll make it through. I really want to win. Me too. Steve, it's not Steve. Can I change mine? I don't want you to win. Lewis is going to win if you don't, if you fucking let go. If you don't let that go, Lewis is going to win. It could be Lewis. Don't. I'm not allowed to change mine. Idiots. Idiots. Fools. Fools. Jay? God. Jay, you're crazy. You're crazy, Jay. I see him unraveling, dude. Dude, no, no, no. I'm going to win anyway because it's Steve. No, because the only way Colm could win is if no one votes for him. So that's what he's doing. No, no. You've got to vote for him. You've got to go back to voting for him. You have to. Well, Colm would tie if nobody. If nobody votes for him, it's his story. Keep your trap shut, Bonnie. Say, say, say, say. Hold on. Hold on. My game sleep was Colm. It is Colm. You fucking. Well, why did you vote for me? Shut the fuck up, bitch. I didn't figure it out in time. Hi, Bonnie. I want to change mine. Am I allowed? Oh, my God. No. Wow. Wow. Wow. You don't know. You don't know. I don't know. I get it. It's Bonnie or. It's Bonnie or Steve. Oh, dude. Please don't vote for me. I'm telling you right now. You're going to fuck it up. I would. Why would you flip up like that? Well, we all have caught. I'm going to go with my first instinct. I think Bonnie is a secret psycho. You're right. You could be right. My vote is for Bonnie McFarland. Wait, can Bonnie change hers? Please. No. No. No. No. No. No. She can't. She can't flip Bonnie, change hers. Please. She wants to. She said it. It's consent. Alex, all of her answers are in. Bonnie, fuck me. Story number eight belongs to Steve Ranazzese. Fuck me. All right, Steve. Before we get to the official points, I think I know who won, but Steve, tell us this story. Yeah. So, literally, it was one of those fucking Trump fucked up and everyone hated it. I was literally coming from the stand, going towards the Midtown Tunnel, and I saw them crossing, and I was just like, no fucking way. And I went, and there were cops everywhere. Cops everywhere. But the cops hated the protesters, so they didn't even fucking stop me. They let me zigzag around them. And the protesters 100% thought I was going to stop. But I went so fast right around them. Because I knew it. I go, if I stop, they're going to come across, and I'm fucked. So I go, this is my only chance. And I went right around them. Wow. Yeah, dude. Thank you. I appreciate it. Steve Ranazzese. Great story. Alex, make it official. What is our final score? In last place, with another single digit score of seven. The score of six points, Colm Turrell. Hey, trust your gun. Trust your gun. Trust your gun. Yeah, up the rock. In fourth place, with 10 points, Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay! In third place, with 13 points, Steve Ranazzese. Steve Ranazzese. Second place scored 14 points. And your winner tonight with 16 points, Bonnie McFarlane. Bonnie, you are taking home this week's prize. Tomorrow is Yesterday: Life, Death, and the Pursuit of Peace in Israel and Palestine. Thank you. Speech. Thank you. Speech. Thank you. Oh, my God. When I came here tonight, I was like, "Ooh, hate. Yuck." But now, I'm like, "I love it." Thank you, guys. Bonnie, you now have the ability to trigger the most fun thing in podcasting, if you'd like to give it a shot. What? I get to say it? Yeah. Double points. That's forever privilege. What a show. Did you guys have fun? We did. We did. We did. We did. We did. We did. We did. We did. What a show. Did you guys have fun tonight? Oh, I'm so sorry. You're going to be sleepy at work tomorrow, you homos. How about it? One more time for our panel. The great Steve Rannazzisi. Call him Tero. Your newest story warrior, Bonnie McFarlane. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for checking us out. Story Wars. Thank you so much to the Dojo of Comedy. Make sure you check them out here in Morris Plains, New Jersey. I'm Big Jay Oakerson. I'm Luis J. Gomez. Until next time, peace.