Steve Rannazzisi!

Whoa! New York City, New York, the Army of Garbage Tour is coming home to the Big Apple, baby! Round up the squad in all the tri-state area, Long Island, I'm looking at you. Come on out and see the boys! Yes, November 13th, we're going to be at Gotham Comedy Club. We're doing two shows. These will sell out very fast, so get your tickets and we'll see you there. AreYouGarbage.com. Love ya! Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is Are You Garbage? It's that little show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. But they're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootie's in a new edition. She's upstairs listening to a little Anthrax. Okay. She's getting down up there. Okay, very nice. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman, father of the year, king of the burbs, king of the boards. Give it up for my best pal, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Thank you very much, Henry. First of all, thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. The boys are climbing the frickin' charts, baby. Mm-hmm. Top 20 or something like that. Who's counting? I don't know. We're up there. Then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Slash Are You Garbage? You go over there, you get all that bonus content, gang. Yes, sir. And, gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly, special guest here today for the first time. He is a very funny, very successful stand-up comedian, actor, and podcaster. Of course, you know him as one of the stars from 84 episodes of The League. He has multiple stand-up specials, including 2013's Man Child, 2015's. 2015's Breaking Dad. He is on tour right now, and he is the new third chair on the legendary podcast, Legion of Skanks. Give it up for the one and the only, Mr. Steve. Rent is easy, everybody. The big dog. Yeah, baby. Thank you. Thank you. Dude, not bad. Let's go. Not bad. I work out at a gym called Iron Sanctuary. Seriously? I swear to God, dude. Yeah, you're not tough enough to work out at a place called Iron Sanctuary. I'm definitely not. They have a pose room. How about Elaine Bryant? No shit. Yeah, you ever been to one of those gyms? Have I ever what? They have a what? Like a room you go in. It's lit beautifully, and it's got just mirrors everywhere, and you just sit there. Sick. And you could just, you know, I cry. I just go to take a nap. Is it one of those three-sided things, like a tailor? Yeah, it's like you could see yourself from every angle. Oh, I don't want that. It's gorgeous, dude. What's that set you back a month? It's 50 for me, 50 for my two, and each for my son. That's not bad. 150 a month, yeah. That's not bad at all. And they're the only ones that use it, the two of them. They go, you ever see my dad? They go, no, we don't even know what he looks like. I thought he died years ago. He's still living. Congratulations. He was just 50. Oh, my God. Give us the backstory. I know you're a Long Island guy. Yeah, I'm Long Island. Yes. Give us the backstory, the origin story. Grew up on Long Island. My mom was Irish. Well, she still is Irish. My dad was Italian. Jesus. Sorry to hear that. So you did a 50-50 combo. A lot of love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That just breeds trash. It always does, dude. And because everyone's very set in their ways, and both stubborn people. So we were stubborn. We were set for just screaming and yelling. Love it. I got a sister that's, I'm the oldest, so my sister is two years younger than me. She's a fifth grade special needs teacher. Very nice. And then I have a younger brother that's about seven years younger than me, and he's a Roman Catholic priest. Get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me? A Roman Catholic priest. You were raised Catholic. So I was raised very Catholic, yeah. Excellent. How's very Catholic? Like, went to Catholic school from kindergarten. Went to kindergarten through ninth grade. Okay. Graduated from eighth grade, went to a Catholic high school, St. Anthony's on Long Island. St. Anthony's? St. Anthony's for one year. Why? You got kicked out. Well, mutual decision. Sure. Best for both parties. Between the court and the police. Yeah, yeah. Part ways. Yeah, I just like, I was, and also, the public school, the town that I lived in, Smithtown, they had two schools. They had an east and a west, and they were combining that year. Uh-huh. So I was like, well, it's a good time for me to go. Because that way, I'm new to everyone. Everyone's going to think I'm on the other side. Oh, you went to east. Tell one you went to east, one went to west. That's it. Exactly. So that's how it was. Both ends against the middle. My last three years, I went to public school, which was sick. Can you talk about what the indiscretion was that got you kicked out of Catholic school? I mean, nothing necessarily, like, I was just like, I- Manslaughter. Not technically did anything. It was just like, I wasn't, like, trying. I obviously didn't really want to be, like, I didn't love the jackets and the uniforms. I wasn't warm anymore, and then, like, you know, I had guys in robes. Like, Franciscan Brothers ran this thing, dude, and they'd lift you up and throw you into a locker and shit like that, and I was like, these fucking guys are assholes. Yeah. So- I get that. Yeah. I went to Catholic school up until fourth grade. Oh, really? And there was one nun specifically, like, she was violent. I had all, like, lay, what they call lay people, normal people from- Those were even weirder to me at times. Yeah, what are you doing here? Just a regular guy in there? Yeah, I mean, they make no money. Yeah, they're in it for a long time. It's like- It's like- It's like- Love of the game. Yeah, for the game of education, I guess, and the game of torturing children. Yeah. So, yeah, like, you know, I was like, I just want to get out of here. Plus, I met a girl. Okay. So, I was like, I want to go to, I want to go, she's going to the public school. Let's go. I want to go to the public school, too. Where'd you meet her? Do you remember? I met her. She was, like, best friends with the girl that lived across the street from me, and I was like, oh, damn, I got to get out of here. Yeah. It's time to break free. Let's go. Yep. Your brother's a priest. Brother's a priest, though. He stuck in. So, Fordham. Uh-huh. And then what? You go to? Seminary, right after the Fort. Right after Fordham. You go out of the MTA, go work for the MTA. Yeah, that's it, dude. St. Annie's to Fordham? Yeah. That's like, you got two choices. He's a Sandhog now. Dude, I love that name, the Sandhog. Oh, it's the best. We dig your tunnels. That's what they call them, sir. The Sandhogs. That's what the local teams call them, the union. Where is he stationed? So, now he's on Long Island. Stationed. Okinawa. Yeah. They're bringing him back. Yeah, yeah. He's on the DMZ in South Korea, hoping shit don't pop off. He's doing great. He's in Cabal now. Real low-key stuff. State Department. Yep. No, he's on Long Island, back on Long Island. No shit. Yeah, I mean, look, they have like six priests on Long Island. Really? Yeah, like, I was at a wedding recently, and I got sat next to the priest. I went by myself, and so- Wait, why? Where's the priest? The priest did the wedding, so then the guy invited the wedding. Came to the reception. So, I got sat next to him. Oh. And he, I know, dude. He was great. I know how to talk to him. Hey, father, you know this one? I go, look, my brother does, you know, like, I talk shop with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I go- I talk shop with him. You're a scumbag. I talk to priests. I talk shop with them. You know what I'm thinking about? Put a little Nutella on the wafer. Yeah. Spice it up a little bit. Some of that tahini? He's from, I don't know, Ghana or something like that. One of the African countries. So, we were asking him, I go, how many- He's such a nerd. Oh. He's shit so funny. He's trying to be like, you're not political. He's just trying to be polite. I know. He's from Ghana or one of them African, like the Long Island. He can only fight it off for the first- Wait, wait, wait. Where'd they throw Blackhawk down? Yeah, yeah. It's only the first half of the sentence. He can keep it together. I don't know. Yeah, he's from- So, yeah. But anyway, he was telling me in his village, they were like, I don't know if you can use the word village. Sure, yeah. Like, in his area. Where I come from. He said, where I come from. Yeah, his county. Or whatever. Diocese, that's it. That's what I'm thinking of the word. There were like 30 priests ordained this year. And I'm like, there was like one on the entire Long Island. Oh, shit. Yeah, so I'm like, that's why there's so many foreign priests now. Oh, is that why? Because no one's going in. Nobody's doing it here. Get them hot Long Island broads out there. Keeping them out of the seminary. I go, and my brother's probably the youngest priest that I know. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't, you never, I mean, you never meet a young priest anymore. Nah, I mean, he has aspirations to climb up through the ranks. Uh, I think so. I mean, yeah, he did. He's very smart. Pope Ren is easy. Yeah, card over. I mean, that would be nice. That's a lot of cash. Like, you think about like, as soon as this guy, the new pope got handed, you know, remember they called his brother in like Chicago and he was like, this guy's going to be great. You know, it was like, I was like, that was, that's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a good shit. Because that's what people, people are always like, oh, he's always been so, yeah, he's always had like, like, you know, you see a gift in someone like he's always been, you know, very reverent and like that, but he's also an, it could be an asshole. Like he was, you know, he, we were, we lived in the same room and he's like, oh, he's great. He's great. Yeah. Yeah. Did he chase you with a knife and call you a fucking asshole on Christmas Eve? He's been forgiven for it. Yes, exactly. Yeah. But what I'm saying is like, he wasn't perfect. Sure. Yeah. You go to him for any sort of, uh, never. Yeah. Heavenly. No, never, never. Bridge loan. Everyone's. Yeah. Nothing like that. He did during COVID. Does he shake you down for donations to the church? To the church and stuff? Cause you got a little cash. We were talking. He doesn't shake me down, but I do do the right thing. Like I volunteer on Mondays. I do. I work at, they have a thrift shop. No way. Every Monday. Every Monday I go to the thrift shop. Right. Good guy. I do a couple hours in the morning on the thrift shop and that's great. Selling merch. Well, I'm looking at, I'm looking at old stuff, dude. I go, I told the guy that runs it. I go, if you ever get an ashtray in here, cards, I love cards, decks of cards. You're skimming. Yeah. I go, any, any, uh, Pesci would do. - Yeah, exactly. - Any jewelry comes in, you give it to me first. let me look through it like the loop i got my loop out i'm just like oh shit this is all trash yeah this is nuts what are you giving this away for i want blood diamonds um but no during covid he asked me he goes we're not making any money he's like you're making money i was like no not really he's like we should open a gold telephone we should open a car wash i go we call it holy water car wash that's great you bless the water we'll charge five extra bucks and everybody else and catholics will pay yeah you know my mom would be my mom be getting her car washed every tuesday that's gotta be if you knew that the water was blessed by a priest of course you'd go through that right we could have printed our own money but we didn't do it i could also see your brother like not being able to bless you like i'll take care of it after like two weeks you're like i haven't even a father yeah you get your car through you get your car detailed to do confession you know you got a little extra time we'll sit in the back clean you clean your car and your sins that's not bad i remember i drank holy water once my mom oh my god like slurped it yeah it was something you know when they get them in the bottles oh god i think you like went to church and you slurped it out of the thing that was like rodney dangerfield and easy money taking a couple aspirin to shake off a hangover damn were you a good student when you were young uh fine fine like i was probably i was better i was smarter than the grades i got did you go to college yeah i went to college i went to oneonta oh yeah upstate new york is that a suny school oh yeah you get any cash to go or no no no no no i got handed my dad i wanted to go to nyu because i was like at this by the time i was a senior i was like oh i started doing a couple plays i'm like i'm interested in like you know theater or whatever i'm like maybe nyu and he's like no you're not going to n he's like that's like at that time was like fifty thousand dollars a year in like 95 that might have been he goes you might as well go to the moon he's like you're not going to learn acting for fifty thousand dollars he's like see if you can get on stage in oneonta and then maybe you'll make it up to the whatever you want to make it to so then they handed me like it was like when you went to a state school you got a like an application you wrote one essay and you just poked out four schools that you wanted to apply to and it was a hundred dollars all the state ones yeah like you could like oswego oneonta albany and binghamton boom there's your four and you just wait to see what you got bad prison cities too yeah great great upstate prison cities suny oswego is a good lacrosse team we played them in college oh really kick the shit out of them yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what uh okay so back to that back to that house that household what how big was the house how many bedrooms was it an apartment condo townhouse what's your mom and your dad it was a split ranch my dad at a time yeah split ranch so what does that mean split range so you walk in you can go up or down similar to yours yeah yeah yours is in the back for some reason but yeah yeah yeah okay so uh you go upstairs living room kitchen small formal dining room all like small upstairs yeah so you walk in you go up the stairs or downstairs to the basement it's like karen hill's mom's house yes exactly so then you go upstairs there was a a bathroom my parents room and there was three bedrooms and then me and my brother slept in the back my sister slept over here my mom slept over here but like when we were little we only had one air conditioner so we all like they would throw us all in one room you know in the summer keep you alive and then uh we had not like when i remember being a kid we had no air conditioning and no pool and then my my dad started a limousine business he worked for uh he worked for the bus company a long island limousine so yeah he was he was a bus company guy and then he was like oh did he drive he drove the bus from like no uh mta bus from like 77 76 to like 90 almost but in 84 he started his own business so he would do both he would he had like one limo he would drive the bus during the day and do airport runs at night and the limo was parked in the house the limo parked at the house billy joel that's i mean that's yeah i lived in a split ranch but i had a fucking beautiful black cadillac limo yeah yeah only caddies for my dad where did he only caddy that is so then like after he did well he bought another another um uh stretch and a town car okay so then he would use the town car that became his yeah yeah yeah so then yeah no caddy caddy oh the he had like uh the caddies for the stretches and so that's sick it was what was his route on the bus where was he driving he was miniola into like roslyn into i remember eating at a jack in the box in miniola i i never i i love that because i would go with him on saturdays like it was almost like collosional yeah i'd sit on the bus dude because it was like you know i i was like this is amazing like i get to go to work my dad it was literally like you know yeah yeah it was like watching him talk to people and then we would go to jack in the box he's my son not yours yeah he's the only jazz bomb it was awesome um and then i i guess i'm gonna drive that bus over to miniola for you kids to have steak every day yeah have jack in the box once a week dude we would eat the jack in the box and then i remember love a jack growing up moving to california and then seeing a jack in the box there and being like what the fuck happened to the jack in the box home only to find out they had like a salmonella outbreak and they killed like four people in the in the late 80s sweet dad under the rug yeah so yeah that's when the jack went under and went down into the sandworms so you joined the sandworms or whatever the fuck they are that'll shut you down in nassau county yep they rebranded out west again and was like hey forget about what you saw over there jack in the box phenomenal yeah many tacos the tacos i don't think i've ever even seen good stuff you don't you've never seen a jack in the box no they weren't they were never outside of philly oh okay i thought they were i thought they were a california thing i thought so too but they had one on island i had arby's for the first time this weekend oh i just passed one in hicksville on the way to the train i was like should i get it and i was like no really roots what did you get i got a fucking roast beef double roast beef yeah it's fucking bread and roast beef it hit me with a little sauce something somebody's spitting this way it's dry as shit yeah you got crinkle cut fries though yeah and the shake was pretty good if you can get a waffles too now they did their uh curly fries curly yeah which i respect yes i do cuts what we grew up on i like crinkle cut i like the waffle too oh forget it yeah i mean give me a waffle fry um all right what uh what were the family vacations like growing up you go to the shore i mean i guess long island i don't really know the beach is out there yeah so when we were kicking it like when we were like when when cash was still king you know like late 80s early 90s we would we would roll out to like florida matching sweatsuits me my brother and my sister like my my mom dressed us all up and we were like oh my god we're gonna go to florida we're gonna go to fly down yes everyone was like suited up to the hill go down to florida flex our muscles where'd you go in florida florida was like orlando we went to disney but that was like twice in our lives every most years it was fucking colonial williamsburg you're driving there yeah yeah yeah or you know and it was like you went to colonial williamsburg to watch fucking people dress up and old-timey outfits and then shoot rifles and all that stuff and then like bush gardens and then that was like the that was the cherry like if you spend three days watching you know people a blacksmith yeah then you can go to ride the you know the great wolf the great wolf i always saw and i thought that was like 40 years ahead of its time and we never went down there the commercial would always come up like that like you gotta fucking ride that sorry we did when we did it you also forget for the real dirt bags the anheuser-busch is there too oh yes and they could do the beer tasting my dad when i One for, like, one educational. You go to, like, the one day was Colonial Williamsburg. The next day was the Wicked Wolf or whatever. And then day three for him, he was fucking sucking back buds. So you rode the Wicked Wolf? Yeah. Or whatever. It's the Great Wolf or the Wicked Wolf. Whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, me and my brother, we were, like, I remember, like, reading the magazine in the car ride down, being like, well, this thing's going to be crazy. Just gained a lot of respect for you. I didn't know you did that. We saw the Clydesdales and the Budweiser Dalmatians. That was mid-'90s. That's when they were banging. Damn. They were fucking putting money. The worst vacation we ever went on was we went to go see the fucking Amish people. Yeah, that's all. In Lancaster? In Lancaster, where you were like, I'm like, what is the purpose of this? There isn't one. Dutch Wonderland. Yeah, and I'm like, they don't even want to be seen. They had great pie. Great pies. Good baked goods. Good baked goods and stuff. They have a good buffet out there, too. Good working, you know, if you wanted to buy some. But I was like, these people don't want to be looked at. I felt like they were, like, they're working, and I'm just, like, looking at them, taking pictures, even though they hate that and all that stuff. I'm like, what was the point of this? Dude, they used to take us as kids, because, I mean, it was like, I don't know, two hours from, you know, outside Philly, and we would go maybe once every other year. They'd go, oh, just put this on the books. We'll drive you out there. And, I mean, we would go make fun of their haircuts. We would just sit there and go, look at that one, and just, like, laugh in their faces. And how they talk. I'm like, this isn't historic. They're doing this now. I know. It's crazy. This is, like, this is present day them. Crazy. Yeah, it's not any of that. It's like, this is not a throwback. No. That's crazy. Yeah. All right. 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That's M-O-D.com for a free consultation and get 10% off your first order plus free shipping with the promo code garbage. That's promo code garbage at mod.com. Do it. See the website for important safety information, and we thank Mods for sponsoring the podcast. Absolutely. Kevin, let's talk about Helix. Helix. Let's get into it one more time for the people in the back of the room. Uh-huh. Everybody loves Helix, gang. You go over there, you take the quiz. You find out how you sleep, whether you sleep heavy, sleep light, whether you're heavy, whether you're light, sleep on your back, sleep on your side. Everything you need to know about getting a good night's sleep, they give you a little quiz on, they match you with the perfect mattress, and next thing you know, you're flying off to la-la land. And all dream, all sleep. That's right. Sheepie town. Listen, I've been a Helix man for about six years now. I've had back problems. I've been a bigger guy most of my life, carrying around a lot, a couple of spare tires. I got a couple of good years around the belly, which gives me lower back pain, and I got to be honest with you, whenever I, Helix Sleep has, overall helped my back pain, and I figured that out because when I go on the road and I sleep away or somewhere, my back gets twisted and tight. But when I'm at home, and it's easy peasy, I'm limber Larry. Not when I'm at, it keeps me limber, keeps me centered, keeps me good night rest. You sleep well. Keeps me friggin' arrested, guy. So go to helixsleep.com slash garbage for 20% off wide. That's helixsleep.com slash garbage for 20% off wide. One more time, helixsleep.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. Did your parents smoke or drink growing up? No. Oh, my, yeah, they drank. But nobody smoked. Actually, I think my dad, my dad smoked until I, I was about three years old is what I heard. That's the good respectable dad. You smoke. I did too. Yeah, same. And then I remember the first year we did the pilot for the league, and I already had a six-month-old, and I still smoked. And then I was like, if this show gets picked up for a second season, I'll quit. And then it did, and I remember quitting like the week before we started shooting. And I was like, all right. And I haven't had a cigarette since. Great, man. My dad smoked. I think he quit when I was like three. My mom had one cigarette in her life. She had a job at the bank, Bank of Smithtown, and she almost blipped the bank on fire because she couldn't multitask. So she was like, had the cigarette at her desk, answering a phone, picked up a paper, the cigarette went out, and then a fucking huge fire started at her desk. Smoking at the bank. Literally, like in the bank at work. Burned all the money up. Yeah. Jesus. Yep. Yeah, but they drank. What was their go-to drink? Dad did a red wine or so, or no? No, my dad would, beer would be normal on Christmases and stuff. It'd be a couple scotch and waters. Okay. Scotch and water. Scotch and water. Yeah, scotch and water. My mom drank beer, and then also she would drink some wine. Yeah. Who did the cooking? Mom, but I mean, yes. Mom did the cooking. Dad did the grilling. The food was not amazing. My mom- Really? Yeah, she loved Italian food. She wasn't Italian, so she loved- She would make Italian food, or we would order out a lot. You would? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would order out a lot. And I know that sounds weird, but I've had this argument with my wife, because she's like, you grew up rich, and I'm like, I did not grow up rich. She's like, we went out to eat like three times in our lives, and I was like, it was just, everybody was busy, so my dad's like, for 30 extra bucks, I'm going to order a pizza. Okay. We ordered so much pizza that we got gift baskets from two separate pizza places in town. We gave each pizza place enough patronage to have them deem us worthy to buy us a gift basket at Christmas. Two separate places. It was like having two families who did not care that you were double-timing either one, because you were giving enough love to both of them. What were the two pizza places? Patio Pizza, and hold on, the other one was, oh my God, not Little Vincent's, not Coliseo. Not Giselle. Yes, it is. Patio Pizza, and God, I wish I could call my sister. That was like the other day, this kid's like, he was asking me, this kid from high school, he's like, James Elmore, what was the other black kid in our high school? And I was like, Mike Bow. He's like, all right. I was like, you know, you get those two names, you're like, fuck, I can't remember the other name, but yeah, we had two, separate, really happy pizza places. So we would do pizza every Friday. Burger King was like a big thing. Respect it. Yup. We'd go out, and it wasn't a, like this was, my dad was the shift from like, you just ordered your own shit to value meals. I remember when the value meal came around. Sure. Where I was like, oh, easy, I'll take a number one. He's like, the hell you will. He's like, I get up, you get a Whopper, and then you get your chicken, and then everyone gets like two fries to share. This isn't like everyone gets their own, like that was, it's a crazy thing to him. He's like, my bill just doubled. Sure. Because you guys have now easier ordering options. Everybody wants all their fries. Yeah, yeah, bullshit. Hmm. What'd you do with the soda? Oh, the soda, we would just get two big cups, and then you get cups for water. You steal those side cups, and then they just pour us into some, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, dude. I would have revolted. It's a family full of dirt bags. Fuck out, man. Okay, what's the first movie you saw? In the theaters. In the theaters? What's the first movie? I saw in the theaters. I don't know if I'd be able to answer that. Man, I'm trying to think. I know I saw E.T. at the drive-in. Does that count? The drive-in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like 83. We're about the same age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was looking for E.T., Empire Strikes Back, Something like that, and the drive-in. I remember going to the drive-in in Rocky Point. Hell of a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We used to have the, we had the car that, you know, the back seat flipped backwards and faced out. The station wagon. Did you ever sneak anybody into the drive-in? Oh, it was Max Capaz, I think, you know, like he would just, and he might, and usually it was like volunteer firemen. My dad was a volunteer fireman that was like checking the passes and the people in there too. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the ultimate trash, dude. Those guys are the best. He'd have the blue light on his car? He'd have the Plectron at the house that was like, you know, KB63947 St. James. We have a signal 16. You know, it would go off like at 2 o'clock in the morning in my house. Yeah, you just like ignore it or whatever. Your dad was working. Ignore it. Yeah. I mean, this guy, he's driving a bus. He's got the limos. He's got the fucking volunteers. This guy's got a gun. That's why people are like, he did, we did get the crap beat out of us, but I, he was a good guy. Yeah, I chalk it up to, they were busy. So like they had to get their point across quick. You know what I'm saying? Like I understand why, I don't, you know, I don't do it because I have plenty of time. I've got extra time. I've got another thing. Volunteering at the thrift store. Hit me up. If I'm hidden volunteering at a thrift store then I come home and I beat the shit out of my kid because he's complaining. It's like, what kind of person am I? You know? You got the extra 10 minutes to have the conversation. I have the luxury of time. You don't got a JFK to LaGuardia drop off. Exactly. My dad's like, I got to be in Stony Brook in 15 minutes, you cunt. Fucking TWA's backed up. We're screwed. Oh man, that's all right. That was like before you had to, you could check if a flight was on time. Yeah. He was just like, fuck if my life, he would go in and be like, fuck, I don't even know if my life's going to be good tonight. Who is the most famous person growing up? It could have been a fucking baseball player at a credit, it could have been a local DJ. Mookie Wilson. Yeah, Gary Carter did a signing at the mall. At the mall in like 87, right after the Mets. What was the mall? Smith Haven. Smith Haven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Smith Haven Mall in Lake Grove, which is close to us. I think he did a, Mike Bossy, that's it. Who was Mike Bossy? Mike Bossy, the Islander. Right. Yeah, Bossy in like 83 or four, I went to see him and got an autograph from Mike Bossy. That's a pretty good name. Mike Bossy, yeah. Gary Carter. That's a fucking big one. Yeah, those were the big sports guys. I mean, I don't think I ever met anyone like famous for, you know, acting or anything like that before. It was always sports. Anybody on the local news in the family as a kid? They're like witnessing something or getting interviewed for. Watching a house fire. I guess your dad, maybe? Yeah, my dad, but never made it on the news. Never, thank God. Thank God. You talk about a fucking. That's Ren is easy limo, everybody. Yeah, yeah, you talk about useless information. He would just, small talk you. Yeah, not any information you get. How was the fire? Like, you know what? I had the most delicious sandwich this morning and because of that, I'm really all right right now. No, he was. I just, I'm trying to think. No one was in. I mean, look, I was on the news. That was enough for the whole fucking family. So, yeah. Got it, bring it up. Okay, what was the first car growing up? Oh, I had a Caddy Brougham. You had a Caddy Brougham? Yes, well, because it was like an 80, it was an 85, but it was 85 Cadillac Brougham, four doors. It had about 120,000 miles. Yep, there it is. We called it the Caddo. That's all right. Is that where you drove Joe Pesci in to whack him? Yeah, that's a big body fucking, that's a big body car. It was like a ship. It was like more of like steering a ship. Probably 5,000 pounds. Yeah, it was huge and I could fit like eight people in it, no problem. Nice. Bench seat in the front? Four, yeah, straight across, so you could fit four across in the front if you're really tight and four across in the back. You could lay down in the back seat and your head and your feet would not touch the doors. Yeah, it's a big vehicle. Dude, it was humongous. yeah my dad was like give me the keys at six at 17 he's like have fun with this no kidding yeah yeah yeah what was the first job um oh i worked i worked at hitherbrook nursery uh in seventh and eighth grade it was a you know like nursery for plants and stuff like that so basically it was the nursery in town everybody went there and on saturdays and sundays i'd go there from like eight to five or whatever they were open and i would carry the stuff like if you ordered peat moss an old lady i would carry it out to the car and you know i'd weed and shit like that but i worked with all college guys and the worst was this guy was so nice that owned it mr hitherbrook he would buy everybody lunch and there was a deli across the street but it was a pretty busy road to cross and so he would always he'd let the low man had to go get the lunch he'd come over to me with a 50 and be like here's the list go get go order lunch for everyone i'd go over i come back one day i him and then he comes over he goes you can't order lunch you can't go get lunch anymore your mom doesn't want you crossing the road i go you gotta be fucking kidding me this lady's cutting my balls off that's brutal dude i'm working with college people here yeah i'm like i can't go get lunch and then the worst can't go today his mom his mommy yes that's exactly what he goes yeah he's dead in the water he told one of the college guys they go what about this fucking kid why doesn't he get the lunch he goes because his mom doesn't want him to oh my god and i was like quit oh dude i was like you gotta be i go give me a fucking break lady let me live will you like that was the catalyst of being like i gotta start going branching out on my own here i gotta get out of this fucking cocoon of love that i'm in here that sucks yeah dude yeah i know that feeling it fucking everyone just looks at you like everything just slows you like what a pussy man yeah you're like i guess i'll go in the back and cut more weeds fucking loser uh what supermarket did you guys go to king cullen i work there too i worked in king cullen i i remember the feeling of getting my own aisle to block like what is that blocking and to block it and to order i was like yeah i had a i had a manager he's a real wild card kelly modu what a name yeah guy named kelly yeah but the last kelly modu the bald dudes he was that modu was not his last name it was like something very long and time-consuming and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die and so uh he would just yell at us uh put down the gatorade get back to work right he would just be like okay and then i'd be like he's like you gotta get an aisle one day i go oh please dude give me my own how old are you i'm like 16 17 at this point uh probably a junior to be in high school and have like corporate responsibilities it's crazy i remember being in like school and being like you should just be like tasks yeah i'm like i gotta make sure i got enough kleenex because i i got i got handed the paper towel aisle and this was like phone with bounty and we are fucked dude there's a there's a teamster strike yeah i gotta fuck you i gotta get the limo see if i can put the paper towels in there and miss johnson what do you think about this uh quaker apple cinnamon apple cinnamon oatmeal you buying out of your brown sugar market dude bounty mr fucking clean i'm i'm just making and you'd have to make sure you're and i remember packing it like there was no better feeling of where were you ordering this from i would you got your the book wherever king cullen ordered from like i i would come in on night and you know i had a four hour shift i'd see what i needed wild i'd order the stuff and then i'd flatten out and pack in my you know my you were just in charge of that aisle and i was like i felt so good about my life sure it was almost like this is all i need i got an aisle and a job yeah for a guy from a kid from long island you got an aisle i can walk to work this is the greatest thing ever i had some cool jobs like that i worked at a place uh cool jobs like you're an astronaut that's the coolest oh my god i worked as a test pilot i was in a place called planet ice i was an italian ice shop all right the guy running it ran a pizzeria too and some numbers nowhere near so he was like he left us to our own devices like and so we would scoop it was me and my friend nick and basically we treated it like cocktail like because all the moms would come in at night and we were like we would like flip the ice to each other and put on the show and the kids would give them the ice and then we we just flirt with the moms and stuff like that and we'd go to a chicken parmesan from patio pizza every week i'd eat it up on the roof i brought a fucking folding chair to the roof dude yeah i'd eat my chicken parm and smoke a couple butts and then be like time to make the donuts back downstairs flipping ices dude you know what nick nobody needs more than this right here is that mrs carluzo i i saw him on sunday night i go nick what was i could because he goes i love the legion of skags i go it's probably the best job i've had since planet ice he goes we've never had a greater job since planet ice dude i've been planet ice i've been trying to tell you i've been happy dude planet ice was the greatest job i've ever had it's awesome yeah it really was free ice me and my buddy worked at a hes cash station one summer in college it was yeah it was the best summer ever oh i got yelled at because the guy that owned it my friend nick was like this case really good i was you know one of my best friends and the guy's like he had two seconds to interview me he's like well you're a little rough around the edges but uh we'll take it you know so then he would send me out one time he sent me with his truck to manhattan to deliver some ice to a couple that was the place in here to get like an off-site you gotta go here yeah you're supplying places in manhattan manhattan right so i'm driving in his truck and all of a sudden it goes out i go oh shit i ran out of gas he come he goes you ran out of gas he comes meets me in like belmore all right i'm like what he goes you didn't flip the fucking tank to the other other tank i go what he goes my truck has two tanks i go how the fuck am i supposed he goes you got an auxiliary tank i'm nine years old i can't even run across you to get lunch i'm like what are you fucking kidding me not two tanks i go what is this an airplane how does it fucking how do you have two tanks here fucking screamed at me screamed at me belittled me in the belittled me in the gas station who was your supplier of italian ice oh he must he made it he did he made his own ice dude yeah yeah and gelato it was it was so good too it was so good and my friend friend job i had yeah it really is a podcast because legion is gay best thing i ever did this planet shout out that's a great great run great life yeah it's fucking awesome you really have oh i really have i've yes i always talked about ari having he was he's people like what is ari's life like i'm like he's the architect of his own happiness sure yes that's really what it is big ari fans i love ari and so i find i do try to do he's he's said it a million times he's very he's very much inspired me to on how i live outside of comedy sure yes so so so yeah yeah yeah we have fun your parents still live in the same house you grew up in uh no they just sold it uh like six years ago they bought a condo then my dad passed in 21 and now my mom still lives in the condo yeah what was the street that you grew up on then third avenue in saint james yeah between fourth and fifth street yeah i know where it is it's it was i would live in the grids and then across the track with like really nice houses and stuff yeah i respect it yeah but it was still great great neighborhood great place to grow up real easy i mean that's like that's like the american dream long island like literally go outside 80s saturday no phones you just ride around your bike and you come home for lunch maybe or you know just to let someone you know where you go and then you know you come home when the fucking the sun goes down lunch meat household ham turkey taylor ham my dad ate liverwurst you ate that the liverwurst liver later bologna liverwurst and mustard and i'll tell you right now yeah and i'll tell you right now if you threw one down i could probably still get through it yeah yeah and not not too easy not too badly either yeah they're pretty good yeah liverwurst smell the whole oh my god whole you'd open the fridge and there's liverwurst and plus you have to take the thing off the end like the paper off the end of the liverwurst do you do like pate or foie gras or anything like that no no no really no no no no i'm american very close no i'm sure yeah i mean i'll eat like tartar like uh you know like chopped up tuna tartar or even i'll do meat tartar or like you know this is liver it's very similar steak tartar yeah yeah that's just chopped up meat he called that meat tartar you know like a whopper chopped up yeah kevin's talking about ridge wallets baby let's talk about ridge in general what a company yeah innovative yes technologically advanced sturdy fantastic and they look cool and let's be honest you got the holidays creeping up you know what ridge is a great grade for what ridge is great for like october and november birthdays you know what i mean uh-huh the fall sure men out there getting it done hunting fishing turkeys stuffing sides uh throw something out there for somebody get something for somebody for the holiday season before the holiday season be like hey dad i got you this wallet so you can have a nice wallet throughout the holiday season and i wouldn't even say wow ridge has a great power bank yes they do listen uh the ridge power bank it has building cables mag mag safe wireless charging apple watch charger lightning and usbc everything you need to charge all of your devices with one power bank with no extra cables it's listen here the leatherman for your phone if you're one of the most powerful people in the world you can charge up to 10 000 milli lamp hours at capacity and bite down. You've got up to three full phone chargers in your pocket. It's going to be the last power bank you're ever going to need. Ridge has more than power banks and tracker cards, wallets in both classic and magsafe options, plus for phone cases, luggage, key cases, and so much more. So if you're shopping for your dad, your brother, your friends, uncle, or even yourself, Ridge has you covered, baby. And right now, get the head start on gifting. You can find Ridge's power bank at Best Buy and Amazon or head to Ridge.com slash AYG for Ridge's friends and family sale. Tell them the boys sent you. Or you can buy two Ridge power banks and get a third one free. Hachi Machi. That's good for you, mom, dad. Boom, out the door. That's Ridge.com slash AYG. Shop smart with this holiday season with Ridge. After you purchase or ask the guy you heard about the show, please tell him the boys sent you. Kip, this is Brunt Workwear. Brunt Workwear. What do you know about getting out there and getting it done? I know everything. Listen. You've had your ass in the grass? Not really. I. Kind of. But I was more concerned about looking like I play in the park. Well, here's the good news with Brunt. You can look the part. You can act the part. You can be the part. And you can have comfortable, durable workwear on. Yes. I focus on the boots. Because the boots, you don't got to break in. You show up to the site. You're looking fresh. They're durable. A lot of times, you got to sacrifice either durability or looking good. And you're out there in a pair of new balances, and everyone's making fun of you when you go to get the coffees for the guys on the site. I know. Listen, the founder, Eric Gerard, he grew up blue collar and was upset about the workwear companies going fashion. They were becoming fashion companies. And not putting the purpose, the original purpose of the workwear first. And he went back to doing that. There's no doubt they're the most comfortable boots you're ever going to wear. Listen, they sent them to us. And when I go back to my family, very blue collar, I put them on to fit in. Listen, I'm working. I'm working in a podcast studio now. But I go back, I go, hey, guys, I'm doing some work around the house. I put them on. I go ask to borrow a ladder or something. Can I borrow your eight footer? I'm doing some work by the house. I need a one and three eighths ventrice. Ventrice? Yeah, you heard him. Vice range. No, ventrice is a thing. They don't know about it. I don't have that here. See, that's. Give me the ventrice so I don't mess up my boots in here. Yes. Listen, whether you work in the trades, you're going to want brunt. And if you don't and want to appear. Whether you work in the trades, you're going to want brunt either way. That's why I wear them. If you're out doing the leaves, you want to be comfortable. You want to look stylish. You want to have durable boots on. You know what I mean? You want to go to the Home Depot and it look like you belong when you're really just buying trash bags. Buying some Febreze for the bathroom. Anyway, Brunt was tired of the workwear brains cutting corners. You work hard to be stuck in. You work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots that don't hold up. So they built something better. Boots are insanely comfortable and built for any job site. For a limited time, our listeners get $10 off at Brunt. When you use it. When you use the code garbage at checkout, just head to bruntworkwear.com. That's code garbage and you're good to go. And after you order, they're going to ask you how you heard about Brunt. Tell them the boy sent you. Back to the freaking show. Back to the show. What is your favorite fast food? Is it Burger King? You know what's changed? I mean, growing up, I literally. Chipotle is like, I know it's the best for me and it's the one I like the most. That's the first time we got that. That's a brilliant answer. It's the best for me. It's the one. I like to eat. I like, I like everything there. I eat a whole bowl like, um, and plus my sons love that. Like I, if, if I mean, dude, if I could buy a Chipotle, I would, I would, I would go out of business because they would eat me out of the Chipotle. It would be, they eat so much of Chipotle. I was going to go the other way because if I could buy a Chipotle, I'd be a millionaire. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be out of business. It's the way these kids eat the brown rice and the black beans. It's unbelievable. I can't keep it in. Yeah. Uh, so yeah, that's probably, but I think on my own, had I never had kids or learned about health, it's Burger King. Give me a Whopper. One time I was in Texas with the family. We're doing a cross country trip. Cross country. Cross country. It was right at the end of COVID. We had a dog, so we couldn't fly with him. So we had to drive him back to California from New York. So we're driving, we're in Texas. It's like 1130 in the morning and we didn't have a good breakfast. So I was like, everybody's getting hungry. And I was like, Oh, there's a Burger King right over there. And I was like, come on guys. I have to talk my wife into Burger King. It's like the last. Last option for her. Sure. And my kids are like, because she's all healthy and shit like that. So my kids are like, well, we'll eat Burger King. So I go, great. I go inside and get a number. I know what I get. Number one, no cheese. I mean, no onions, a little extra mayo, a little. I get the, it gives me the Burger King. I get in, we're driving. We're like 10 miles out. I open up finally my Whopper. Everyone's eating. I open it up, this fucking barbecue sauce and bacon on it. And I go, what the fuck is this? This is not. Is that a Whopper? This is something else. So I literally drove. I pulled off. I drove 10 miles back to the same Burger King. And my son said, I almost drove through the front window with the anger. Yeah, yeah. I go in and go, what the fuck is this? And they go, what are you talking about? I go, I ordered a number one. What is this? And I look up at the thing. They have like a special Texas Whopper. They moved to number one. Yeah. That's why fucking Burger King is tanking. I go, give me a break. The number one is always the. If you want to make another Whopper, that's two, three, four, and five. That's nine. Yeah. You get to give me one is the Whopper. I should be able to walk in Konichiwa. Number one. That's the high heat. Give me the high heat down the middle. The stinky cheese. Yeah. So they were like, well, this is what you are. I go, I'm not leaving till I get the fucking regular Whopper. Number one at McDonald's, Big Mac. Number two to double the two cheeseburgers. Yes. That's what's going on, dude. So I lost my mind. So yeah, I'm a Whopper man. I'm not all back in Texas anymore. Huh. All right. Okay. I mean, I'm garbage, right? I mean, buddy, we're fucking. I mean, have you ever seen. You'd have to become a priest by the end of this. I don't know what kind of test results. Your brother ever do an exorcist or anything like that? No, I always asked him to do something like that, dude. I always. I'm like. Such a fucking meathead. You ever see anything fucked up? Oh, dude. I tell all the time. I go, tell me. Like, you do confessions today? What would you hear? What'd you get down with? Like anyone walking into fucking psychos? And then he gets all cunty. He's like, no, I can't talk about it. I did confession about. Three weeks ago. And the priest was visibly shaken. Free our fathers. Free Hail Mary's. I was out the fucking door. That's it, dude. Later. They go. I mean, what am I? They're not going to pull your soul out of you. They go, just start working on this. That's a great point. Yeah. You know. Hey, listen, what you just confessed is a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Start with these, right? That's like, hey. That's what he said. You're crazy. Yeah. Overweight. Why don't you, you know, start with a salad. Yeah. You're not trying to run the marathon. Walk to the mailbox. You didn't mention my weight. I wasn't to you. That's weird that you took it that way. That's one of my sins. That's just saying. He likes a nerd cluster just as much as the next guy. How old were you when you got your passport? Whoa. 18. Because I went to Paris when I was 18. What? Yeah. I was doing theater. So the theater, like. In freshman year. Or in high school. No, in high school. Wow. Theater senior year. We went to London and Paris. And. It was awesome. I mean. To study or production? No, to study. But I was. I just was dating a girl. And that was going. And I was like, oh. I was just. The only reason I was going. I was like, oh, I want to hang out. Yeah. And have sex with her in London and Paris. Were you allowed to drink on that trip? A little bit, but not really. Yeah. Yeah. The teacher was a little like, oh, you guys can have a little bit. But I was like, let's get sauced and get fucked up and, you know. Yeah. And start an orgy. And she's like, no. She was like, you're not. She wouldn't even make out. I'm like, come sleep in. I'm my room. I'll kick the guy out. And she's like, no, we're here. We're here for culture and stuff like that. I was like, this sucks. What? I go, yo. I remember being in Shakespeare's house. Hired. Suck my dick. Yeah. We were in Strathmore. Just suck. Put it in your mouth for a minute. Come here. Just put the tip in. Come here. And I sat down on this bench. I was like, oh, God. There's fucking nowhere to sit in these goddamn little cottages. I sit down on this bench. It creaks, right? I was like, oh, shit. I stand up. We're in Strathmore. I go, the guy comes in. He starts off the tour. And he's like, oh, before we leave, the oldest thing in this whole house is that bench where Shakespeare asked his wife to marry him right over there. I was like, I almost cracked the thing in half. You got to put a sign on it that says no seating. It's a fucking wooden bench in the lobby. What do you think is going to happen? Shit. When's the first time you had Nutella? Not a lot. You're older. Yeah. I think my wife loves Nutella. She loves Nutella more than I do. Yeah. Yeah. I would say 20s. Yeah. 20s. Still pretty young. Yeah. Do pretty well. Paris 18. Yeah. But I mean, that was, yes, it was not for culture. Yeah. He represents like kind of. Yeah. His reasons are trash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, to me, it's like even trashier because it's like, you know, his dad, his dad starts doing well and this, but it's like, you know, he gets the Cadillacs and he's like, he gets to go. He's in. He's in the theater program. He gets to go study almost. And then he's like, just try. He's over there trying to get it, trying to get some pussy. It's like, it's like he's even, it's like he gets put in nice things and he just does it the trashiest way, which is like so trashy. I like it. You mentioned the missus. Yep. Where'd you guys get married? We got married in Long Island on the South shore at a place called Captain Brian's or Captain Bill's. Sorry. Is it a seafood restaurant? Yes. - Yes, it's called the Bayview House. - Okay. - But it's a seafood restaurant, but they had like a, Event Space. Event Space, yeah. Called the baby house. Got married in a sea funnel. Long John Silver? Did you guys get married in a church? Yes, we did. We got married in a church during a hurricane. It was September 2nd, 2006. Hurricane Ernesto hit. Really put a fucking damper on the thing. We were on a water dock, and the cocktail house, the boats behind us are like doing this. That's crazy. All my pictures of my wedding have Ari's bald spot in them. It's amazing. I don't know what this photographer was doing, but every shot you could just see. Put a yarmulke on it, Ari. God damn, dude. It was great, though. We had a good time. Do you remember what you pulled in for the wedding? I think the whole- Cash-wise. Probably 30K. That's good. See, he's the first guy to just rattle that right off. Everybody goes, yeah, because he's a scumbag. I don't know. 30K. No, about 30K. I remember the number precisely. Also, he's such a dirtbag. He never- I don't know if the other people were just hemming and hawing because they didn't want to share or they didn't remember. That number is burned. Put it in the back of his brain. Do you guys do- I mean, I know- I counted it that night. I know how many people- I know what they gave me, so I know what to give back to their kids and stuff. That's how you got to quid pro quo me, you know? Yeah, very good. I know my aunts and uncles, some of them are very generous, so I got to hit their kids when I go to their weddings with heavy- What's heavy? What's heavy? So, it depends. Heavy to me right now, I'm covering my plate, the guest plate, so you're in at least 300. 300. Not 200. The guest plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you're saying guests. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who I'm taking, but I'm throwing it in. Maybe Nikki, I don't know. So, two plates. They're 300. Yeah. Minimum. 300, and I probably will throw another four if they're a special person that's a five. That's very nice, Steve. Yeah, yeah. Very nice. Good man. Very, very nice. You dance at a wedding? Oh, yeah. You getting fucked up? You got to stop me doing the electric slide. Yeah, dude. Yeah. What is this? A fucking joke? Okay, what are you drinking at? A wedding. Scotch. Scotch. Yeah. Why? Well, I start with a couple beers, but Scotch is a great sipping drink. You know, it's a great conversation sipper drink, you know? He's such a scumbag. Dude, it's a great sipping drink. It's a great. You don't want to walk around with a fucking, you know, a pina colada or something like fucking a beer. Who the fuck has that? I don't know. Maybe a Captain Chuckie's room. Down there at Coneville. Maybe a couple six on the beach, is that it? After two fuzzy navels, it's a celebration. Tequila sunrise? What's the lowest Scotch you'll go? I mean, what do you got? I don't think he cares, dude. I just got into Scotch like a couple years ago. Like a Cuddy Stark? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I even like Norman and Morel stuff. Oh, yeah. The Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat. Yeah, I like that stuff too. I mean, I like. After the boys. When I'm treating myself, I like a Japanese whiskey. Okay. Something nice. With a big ice cube? Yeah, a big fucking ice cube. Nice. Yeah, I was talking to Jay. He's like, I got a refrigerator that makes big ice cubes. So I started drinking Scotch. I'm like, holy shit. That's backwards. What a bad idea that is. Yeah. But they are nice, those big ice cubes. Let me ask you this. Here we go. You and the missus, you go out to dinner with one of your friends out there in Long Island? Yep. Is the squad, the non-comedy squad out there? Oh, yeah. Did you look back up with your boys that you grew up with? Oh, we're the only people I hang out with. That's sick. Yeah. That's sick. And we're going on a boat on Thursday. We're going fishing. What kind of boat? Whose boat? What kind of boat? 21-foot Grady White. Center console? Center console, yep. Not a bad one. He bought it used. Twin outboard? One. One. You're going out? We're going out. We went out. We went out once a week this summer. Great fishing and stuff. So we're going out on Thursday. It's going to be nice. We'll fish for a couple hours. What are we going for? Stripers? Maybe go to Connecticut. Black something, my friends are like, I got to get these. Easy. Hold on. Let me whisper that. Hurricane Ernesto. You make your own schedule. You're doing well. You're hanging out with the boys. Yep. Fucking man. The kids are great. Everyone's great. Dude, that's what I'm saying. Architect of my own success, if I can. Does the missus work? She, well, didn't, but now she does. Now the kids are in school all the time, so she's working at a school as an assistant. I respect that. That's amazing. Plus it's got, yeah, plus she's my Benny mama. She gets the Bennys. She gets the Bennys, yeah. The Bennys are excellent. Oh my God. Long Island teachers make, you know, they make good money. But then they also get unbelievable benefits. Good. Yeah. That's like a nickel for me to fucking get a heart attack and get fixed. It's crazy. I was my stepdad owned his own construction company. Yeah. You got to pay for that out of pocket. So my mom worked up until, you know, however old, at the hospital. Yeah. For the Bennys. That's it. He's like, yeah, she's the benefit. I fell out of SAG. Everyone fell out pretty much after the COVID. It was like, who made enough money that year to keep benefits? So I was like, fuck, I got to keep it. I got to catch up now. But she's like, let's do it. I'll take care of it. And I'm like, great. So she makes no money. But the Bennys are great. There you go. Yeah. Now, let me ask you this. You got a light day. Let's say, I don't know, it's a Wednesday. Kids are getting up. Are you getting up with the kids to go to school? Yes. Until this year. This was always my job. I always woke up in the morning, like 630, drive the high school kid to high school at seven, come back, drive the other one to middle school at 720. Because we live like. I'm a minute and a half from the school. This year, I got a senior and a freshman. So they're like two businessmen. They leave in the morning. Right. You know, they have breakfast and they're gone. And my wife leaves at 715. So now I'm sleeping into like 815. Crashing. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. 815. Then what are you doing? Then I'm up. You set an alarm at 815? I'm up. I'm up. I got to. I set the alarm. If I don't set the alarm now, it's going to be a thing. I could. And I like, I make dinner. When my wife comes home. What's at dinner? What do you throw down? Oh, you want to hear some stuff? Yeah. On the podcast. Ready? Oh, you want to hear some things? No, clam up for it. Yeah. I'm telling you right now. Can't talk about that. I love this stuff. I love getting in like these crock pot recipes. I got a new one, steak and potatoes, right? It's the oldest crock pot recipe. But listen to how I do it, dude. Listen to how I do it. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. You get an onion, chop it up, bottom. Cumin. Listen to what I'm doing, dude. I'm up in the morning. I'm stretching. I'm crock potting, right? Okay. It's 830. I'm crock potting. You got the place to yourself. Place to myself. You got a dog? I used to. I don't have a dog anymore. We might get a dog again. That's what's in the crock pot. Yeah. I get the onion. I get two pounds, two and a half now of the cut up chop of the stick cubes. Yep. In there. A bag of the little potatoes. Boom. Sure. I'm back to bed. French. I shut it down. French soup. French onion. French onion. French onion soup. Gravy mix. Right? Okay. Right? Four little things of butter, pads of butter. Put the top on it. Set it six hours high. Boom. What liquid goes in there? No liquid. It creates a steam, Kippy. It creates the juices. The juices of the meat come out. It's an ecosystem. Okay. Oh, dude. It is so good. I get that. A little jasmine rice. I put it on top. I mean, I'm coming. I know you're knocking out a bowl before everybody gets home. I get a little taste of my. He's got to pay taxes, you know? A taxation without representation, my friend. Yeah. So, I'm like, you know, I get a little taste. The three wise men got to let their be. Yeah. So, we got to get a little lunch taste. And then, I mean, you coming home, it's beautiful. What time is everybody getting home? What time does the house reinvigorate? Well, everyone's got stuff after school, sports and stuff. Six. Five. Five. 4.30, five. Everyone starts rolling. Now, my son, my oldest son has last period off. So, he drives home, takes a dump, and eats some food before football. That's awesome. Yeah. You get to hang out with him for a little bit. So, I get him for 25 minutes, you know? That's great. And then, he's back to school for football. And everybody rolls in around five, and we eat dinner. And then, I go to, you know, go do work or whatever the hell I got to do. You know? But what I'm saying, the crock pot's great because I can put that up at 8.15. And I'm on hole number two at 9.30. Yeah, I'll go out golfing. You said you golfed this morning. Yeah, I golfed this morning. You belong to a. A great club, Baiting Hollow. Private? Semi-private? Private out. Completely private. You have lunch out there at the club? Oh, yeah. So, now, that's what I'm talking about, right? He's got. So, now. This guy's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. He gets so excited over his life. Oh, yeah. I'm done with the round at one. Uh-huh. Okay? The lunch. What are you playing with? You got your boys, or you're just going out? I got a couple friends there that, you know, at the club, we play a skins game. You know, a little gambling, light gambling. Ten grand, no big deal. Then, you come back at one o'clock. Check to make sure my potatoes are sweating. Yep. Yep. Cut the crock pot on the app on my iPhone. Um, I do have an internal thermometer in there, so I know what the hell's going on with that thing. Right. Obviously. Then, I have a little. Daddy's always watching. Yep. A little light lunch. Me and the boys fire up the boats, head out for a little bit, head out to the canyon. Where's the light lunch? At the club? Yeah, at the club. What's the light lunch? A little Caesar salad with some chicken and beer. Six IPAs. And you go home. You're doing it. So, it's Wednesday. Yeah. What are you playing? Nine or a whole round? 18. 2.30. 2.30. Cart or you're walking? Cart. Cart. You have a couple of pops out on the course, too? If the girl's out that day, I mean. A little bit of swing juice. Oil can. Yeah, I get out there, and I'm home by 2.30, and I look like a hero at 5 o'clock when everyone comes rolling in. Dinner's ready. You got to tighten anything up? You got to do a little laundry or anything? Yeah, but I put it on before, and I put it on after. I got a whole system. Got that in the car. Yeah, I got everything. He's got a whole system. Cooking his steak in the washing machine. I had to call a task rabbit guy to go switch the laundry because I had a big bet going on at 18. I'm like, I'm not going to make it. It's a key by the oak tree. Yep. Oh, God, dude. That's so fucking. Yeah, I am. I love my life. I really do. And you have a bit of a you know, we were talking beforehand and, you know, I had heard from other people about how nice your property is. Oh, nice. You know, you said and you said two acres, two acres. Yeah, that's that's a good chunk of property. It's on the water, too. It's on the water. Long Island Sound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got it like in the winter, all the trees around me, they have no leaves. I could see Connecticut. It's great. You fucking nuts, dude. It's great. It's great. You can't swim in that sound, can you? I mean, you can. Yeah, that's where we go take the boat out. I don't I don't love it because there's sharks in there now. We caught a shark this year. We caught a three foot shark. I show you the video. Yeah. Like a little sand shark. They don't have to come into your house. It's great. No, I mean, like on the boat or access. Do you have like a dock? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like you got to walk down some trees and stuff through the woods and down to the water. Can you fish right off this? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like that's a big thing that everyone does near my neighborhood. Do you own to the water or is it like public property? No, I don't own to the water. Yeah. There's other houses and stuff that behind me, but you could see straight to the water. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. You get down there. You get down there. Yeah. No problem. Yeah. It's awesome. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's great. You got the pool? Pool. Yep. Hot tub? No hot tub. Hmm. Heated pool. When did you close that up? I just did yesterday. You just did yesterday. Really? And it's because I've shit it. No one's been in it since August, but as soon as you call, as soon as you remember to call to close it up, they go, oh yeah, everyone else called and now we're coming October 5th and you're like, all right, great. No problem. I always get mad at my mom when she closes it too early. She'll fucking shit. Yeah, because two days ago you could have gone in it like this. Yeah. It was hot. It was hot. You'll kick out of the pool at fucking five o'clock on fucking Labor Day. I got to close the pool. Oh yeah. That's my brother-in-law. Yeah. He's like the second summer. Summer's over. It's like take down the Christmas tree. Summer's over. It's done. Close up the pool. And I swim in the fall. It's nice. I only went in the pool three times. I went in the pool. I drank, drunk swam this year. July 4th's my birthday. Happy birthday. Thanks. Your birthday's on July 4th? It's the greatest. Oh my God. So we had a big party. This guy's a goddamn American. Yeah. We had a big party and then everybody leaves around 11. We had a huge storm. Who's at that party? Sorry to cut you off. All the high school friends. High school friends. Everybody. Yeah. Yeah. The squad. Everybody doing well? Everyone's doing well. You know, most of them are getting ready to retire. They all have union jobs. One works for the railroad. One works for the power company, Long Island Power. Teachers and stuff like that. So we're all coming down to it. I'm fucked. But the thing is though, it's like swimming at night's the best, dude. Drunk swimming at night? Sure. Oh, naked? I kept calling my wife drunk. I was like, I'm going to come downstairs, come into the pool. She's like, I'm sleeping. I'm like, get out of here. You had the lights on, dude. It's very sexy. It's always so much better in your head. You think she's going to be like, wait, what? You're naked? Where are the boys? They're sleeping. I got out of the pool, dude. I was so hammered. I fell onto the concrete, gashed my leg open. Fuck my heart on up. Gashed my leg open, right? I don't even know what's going on. I walk into the house completely naked, right? Walk through the house, walk up to my room. She's like staring at me, my wife. She goes, what's going on with you? I'm like, I just got to, I went to put on my underwear, right? What's going on with me? Yeah. I went to put on some underwear. I am just tipped over. Boom, to the side. She's like, oh my God, get out of here. You're sleeping in the guest bedroom. What the fuck? Yeah, I go right to the guest bedroom, right? I wake up in the morning and I was like, oh, I opened the sheets. It looks like the Godfather. There's blood everywhere. I go, what the fuck happened? Look at my legs. There's blood all over. She comes in. She's so pissed. She goes, what the fuck? What the fuck do you do? I go, this is why I need your help. I need your help last night. Claims her immediately. What sex we just want to have. What'd you do? Yeah. If you want to take care of me, that's what happened. Down there in the deep end begging for a handy. That's fucking sick. Yeah, dude. Love it. Yep. Who's doing the grocery shopping out there? Mostly her. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you going? What store? We got a stop and shop now. Great. Love a stop and shop. Love a stop and shop's great. You've really got it figured out. Yeah. Stop and shop. And I got a good butcher. Do you? You need a good butcher. You do. You do need a good butcher. I don't get meat at fucking stop and shop. I get meat at the butcher. So I got a great butcher, which is, I go there on Mondays. I get the chicken, the fish, everything for the week. No shit. Yeah. I got a steak. It's great. It's cheaper. It's better. It's awesome. Yeah. Fucking crack the motherfucking code. You got the grill still going? You do the grill? Oh, yeah. I grill the smoker. We're going to the Giants game in two weeks. I'll bring the Blackstone with me. How do you get that out there? Yeah. In the back of the car. What kind of cars you got? I got a, well, I have a Tesla. My wife's got a Lexus truck, and my son, we gave him, my wife sold Land Rover. So he's got a Land Rover. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, but it's an old one, 2016. I like that. It's not bad. I think that old. Yeah. Very nice. Shout out to the- It's not a catty brome. What does Mr. Ranazzisi like in the house? For him to snack on. Is there anything that's just yours? Like, don't eat that? Everything. I don't know if you checked. Everything is mine, dude. That's 84 episodes of The League. Everything's mine. And this is, let me tell you, I mean, it's like, I don't know how- But is there anything the kids can't have? Like, do you have, like, diet root beer that they can't touch? No, nothing. Nothing they can't have. Okay. There's nothing, no. What's something that, it'll be a little irked if there was not much left? Oh, yeah, we had a- Peanut butter pretzels? The other night we had, fuck, we had a great, we went out to a great restaurant, and I had drunken chicken parm, which is chicken parm with vodka sauce. It's so good, and I had leftovers. Such a dirtbag. Such a trashy Long Island. I had- It's great. Give me the fucked up chicken. Give me the chicken that gets drunk in a pool, tries to fuck its wife, and cuts its leg in a bed. Give me the Ren Azizi chili. It's the one I really eat to the most. Two Ren Azizis coming up. And I brought the leftovers home, and then they, during the Sunday night game, they just destroyed it. And I was like, no. No, no. This was like, that's stepping over the line. You don't take another man's leftover. You gotta ask about, hey, are you gonna have, that is yours. Yes. That's whoever ordered that. So that's the last time I've ever been upset about, but yeah. It was the last weekend? This was two days ago. You said it was the last time I was upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was two days, 48 hours ago. Yeah, yeah. And before that, it was 72 hours. Well, usually leftovers are the only things that we'll fight over, but they're allowed to have whatever they want. I mean, I got everything in my house. How many fridges you got? Two. Where, where? Oh, three. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. You got one outside? I got an upstairs fridge, the downstairs fridge in the basement garage, and then I got a freezer in the utility room that's like just, I bought a cow a couple years ago, but then I got still some meat in there. I couldn't eat through the whole fucking cow, so. So much meat. It's a big crockpot. It's a lot of fucking. My wife wanted to do it. I said, where the fuck are we gonna put all this? I mean, I had to buy a whole separate freezer for it, so I still have some meat. Yeah, it's 1,200 out the door. It was a whole cow? It was a half. It was a half a cow. You get it, and they give you every piece of meat. I mean, what if they just put it in the garage? 300 fucking. Kevin. Kate. Moo. How much was that? I bought the, the cow was like 1,200, I think, for half of it. That's not bad. No. I mean, that's meat for what, a year? It's like 300 pounds of meat. Huh. It's something ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot of meat, dude. I could have called me when it came over. They chop it, and it's in a different costume, and they freeze it all. It's like 35. It's like 35 pounds of chopped meat. It's a lot. You getting ground, ground, ground beef out of that? Yeah. Ton, yeah. Ground beef. Tons, yeah. 30 pounds of chopped meat, I guess. What do you call chopped meat? Ground beef. Chopped meat. I don't know. Who the fuck tells you chopped meat? Long Island, I guess. I don't know. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you, dickhead? Yeah. Asking me all these questions. Bring me over here. Ask me about breaking my balls. Splitting my hairs about chopped meat? Chopped meat's so choppy. Chopped meat? Ground beef. Call it hamburger meat. You do or say things that are trashy that you don't, you know, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a real nice place. I got the drunken chicken. And then he goes on to explain what drunken chicken is. It's just funny to me. Drunken chicken, I used to do a beer can chicken. Oh, man. Yeah, and I call that drunken chicken. Sure. Yeah, that would be more. It's like a chicken with the beer can in it. Sure. Cooch. Yep, standing straight up. Oh, my daddy used to. He keeps it moist inside. Oh, my God. It's so good. My dad thought he discovered fire doing it. See, that stands up with a beer can. When the ran as easy as we'll go out to dinner. Yeah. Is there ever a place where you all get the same thing? Oh, yeah. Chinese food. We go to Chinese food. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, like, we don't get the same plate, but, like, we will get. We all like it. We all like the same shit. So, like, we'll order for the table, and everybody gets a piece of that. Yeah. So, it's not like when you go, like, you know, everybody gets the chicken piccata. No, no, nothing like that. No. Everybody shares? Yeah, because my wife mostly eats, you know, vegetables and lettuce and stuff like that. Yeah, so. What's the ice cream in the house? What's the situation there? What do you need? Talk to me. No one's ever said that. You got vanilla chocolate, always staples. Pints? Always. Or are you getting? Half gallons. Briars? Briars, yep. And then. Always a luxury flavor, whether it be. A luxury flavor. Like a Van Leeuwen honeycomb or something. Yeah, something Rocky Road or. I want a little bit of flair to it. Yeah, something with a little bit of nuts and a little chocolate. I wouldn't call Rocky Road luxury. That's what makes him trashy. He goes, me chocolate chip, luxury. Yeah, yeah. He thinks that's what makes it perfectly trashy for the job. Yeah, yeah, something that's nice. What's the chocolate syrup in the house? Oh, Hershey's. Okay. Yeah. Luxury. We're not skimping on chocolate. What's the milk situation? Two percent. Really? Yeah, but I don't drink milk anymore. Why is that? Because I drank it a lot as a kid, and I'm lactose intolerant. Okay. You have lactate in the house? Yeah, but I just got a bidet. Holy shit. Like a proper one? Like a built-in one, or like the tushy? No, the tushy I got. Okay. You like it? Yeah. I mean, it's been 48 hours, but I have a hemorrhoid. Hasn't been made since the fucking house. And this thing hit it yesterday. I almost leapt off of the fucking, out of the room, dude. This thing, direct contact with the fucking hemorrhoid. Hurt? Hurt. Shot me across the room, dude. Shot me out of the fucking toilet. I go, I got the wrong one. I go, what is the pressure? And I got off of it, and I checked the pressure with my finger to see if this thing was coming out like a fire hose, but it really was just coming out normal. But this hemorrhoid must be bad. Is this your first time having one? I had. First hemorrhoid I ever had was a Super Bowl. Who says that? The New Orleans Saints. It was at New Orleans. I don't know. It was in New Orleans. Was it Drew Brees? No, it was the Harbaugh ball. It was Kaepernick versus the Ravens and the 49ers. I'd gone with the cast of the league. We had eaten fucking Creole and all this delicious food, and I was like, what is going on? And I remember Kroll telling me, he's like, you got a hemorrhoid, dude. I go, I feel like I'm sitting on a cigarette lighter. He goes, yep, that's exactly what I'm talking about. A lot of hemorrhoids, dude. Yeah, dude. So that was my first hemorrhoid. Preparation H? Yep. I prepped that thing down, got rid of it, but now I got a new one back, and this thing is back. It's back for vengeance. Jesus Christ. Is it back right now? Not right now, no. But when I put that bidet thing on, I was like, oh, I can never use this again. I've never had one. I'm so scared of one. Oh, you've never? No. I used to get them. You did? Enough. Oh, yeah. Enough. Yeah. Moving on. I mean, listen, I got one more. I just, you know, as a- I'm just having fun now. Yeah, as a fun thing, obviously, we'll have you back. This has been fucking bonkos. Are you currently in a beef? With a neighbor. It doesn't have to be a direct neighbor or someone, you know, is there- Funny you asked that question. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Both my neighbors are over- Hate me. They're over 1,000 years old. Okay? They're 1,000 fucking years old, both my neighbors. Young hot shot comes in the neighborhood. The one guy to my right, because the way it works is my driveway goes down, and my house is like separated from everybody else's on the block, so his- Sounds like a nice joint. I got to bring my fucking pails up, like a quarter mile. A quarter mile up to the top of the driveway. Trash cans. Yeah, the trash cans. So I bring the trash cans up. I put them at the top. You call them pails. Yeah. They got wheels on them, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're not carrying them with a broomstick. No, no, no. I farmers carry them up the fucking- Do you do that thing in the car where you, like, drag them up? A hundred percent I do. I'll farm out the window, dislocated shoulder because of it. So I get up to the top, and then now- The thing is, I know what's in my garbage, and so the next morning, the garbage man comes super early. I'll go to get him down, and there's half of the shit from my neighbor's garbage out, because he brings his out so early the day before. The raccoons and shit get into him, so it gets out, and it blows into my- And he never comes, picks it up. So now I'm out there every day picking up his fucking trash, but he's a thousand years old. I can't be like, hey, old man River, get your fucking shit together. Yeah, you got to eat that one. I just got to eat that one. That sucks. So I have no- There's no recourse for you. No. I can't do anything about it. I can't do- I mean, I want to take it up and bundle it and throw it on his fucking front lawn. Light it on fire. Yeah, but I can't do that, because he's not long for this world, so it's going to be- I just have to take this one. Can anybody see into your backyard like you swim in? Okay. No. Really? So you're back there naked, it's- All the time. Love it. All the time. I don't have clothes on in the summer. What about the kids? That's their problem. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know when they're around, but if they see something they don't like, that's their problem, not mine. I mean, he's an insane person. Not really, but it's just like I've- Like I said, I'm an architect of my own happiness. It's like you play the game with us. You got to adapt to us. I get that. Two things I'm surprised, I'm stunned that you don't have. One is a golf cart at the house. I know. I should. And we've thought about it, and we've actually- I know. It's not really like- You're not allowed to use it. You're not allowed to use them in those kind of residential areas. I guess you get the trash. The trash up there is the big thing. And the hot tub. The hot tub, too. I know. My kids want a hot tub. We had a hot tub in California. We moved to this house, and they were like, no hot tub. Did you own in California? Yeah. And sold? Yeah, sold. How old were you when you bought your first house? Bought a condo in 2006, five? Comedy money? Yeah, commercial stuff. And I had done a sitcom that got picked up from one of my friends. From one season called Big Day. Uh-huh. And so, yeah, a little bit of that. Were you doing a spring commercial or something? I just put that together. Yeah, I did a lot of Verizon. I did a lot of commercials. Yes, I remember the Verizon commercial. You were very smart with your money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never blew it on a jet ski or anything like that? Nothing stupid like that, no. Huh. No. Nothing like that. I always thought I was like, I guess because I grew up blue collar. It was like, you got to save your- You don't know when it's going to end. Drugs? No drugs? Yeah. We got to wrap it. I knew you were going to answer like that. That's like your problem. What do you want to do? I'm not an idiot. Man. Yeah. This is a fucking home run. Dude, I'm Brad. All around good hang, baby. Steve Ranazzisi, 100% Long Island garbage. The architect of his own success. Yes. So glad to have you here. Dude, it was a blast. Check him out every week on Legion of Skanks. Uh-huh. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? SteveRanazzisi.com for tour dates. I got a lot of dates coming up. Cleveland, Atlanta. Let's go. New Orleans. Uncle Vinny's, wherever the fuck that is. In Pleasantville, New Jersey. Yeah. A couple other dates coming up. SteveRanazzisi.com. Love it. We fucking love you. I love you too, guys. Thank you so much for coming in. Thanks for having me. We'll definitely be having you back soon. I want to find out more about this property. Uncle Hank's going to be standing out there for a couple of weeks. Kippy, what do you got for him? Guys, we're on the road right now. Army Garbage just announced Boston. The Wilbur tickets are moving quick for that. The Wilbur. We got Philly. We got Tacoma, San Jose, San Diego. Get those tickets. San Diego, I think the first show sold out. ArmyGarbage.com. We love you. Steve, again, we love you. Love you too, guys. Thanks. Again, we love you. We'll see you in three days. Peace.