"Stephen Colbert"

Hey, Sean, my name's Jason. You know what I love 300 of? What? Almonds, summer salads, tighty-whities, matcha lattes. What about you? You like 300 of anything? My name is Sean Hayes, and I like 300 glasses of milk. I also like 300 pounds of spaghetti. And I also like 300 pound men. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-300 La-la-la, la-la-la Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-300 La-la-la, la-la-la 300 Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-300 La-la-la, la-la-la Welcome to the 300th episode of 300 Episodes of Smartland! Yee-haw! It looks so good. I know. I mean. She's still getting around. I think that our guest was clapping. That's pretty. That's nice. I know, she's. Oh, okay. No, okay. Well, now it feels like that's about the guest. But does it feel like 300, you guys? No. That's 300 weeks, which is how many years? Go ahead. 300 weeks is. Six. Six years. Yeah, just. Yeah. But it's. Yeah, it's coming up on six years. Wow. That's insane. 300 divided by. Well, thank you. Thank you should go out to those who are giving us some ear time. Yeah. Thank you very much for listening to us try to figure out what we're doing. It seems unlikely that you would continue to listen to us at all in the first place. I know. I guess a thank you would go out to the guests as well, then, because that is the reason. We're not being falsely modest here. We do this little drivel for a few minutes, And then we get into the real draw, which is the guests. We thank them for coming. We also thank Bennett, Rob, and Michael for helping us get here. Yeah. It's a really robust audience. What an audience. It's incredible. Yeah, we should give you right now. We don't do this alone. Yeah. Bennett Barberco and Rob Armjarv and Michael Grant Terry. Armjarv. Armjarv. Are such integral and important pieces to this whole thing and part of our team. We're all in the team together. Are they? No, they are. We know that. They are the feathers in the wind between the initial wings. They are, of course. We love you guys. We love you guys a lot, and you guys do an awesome job. We love you. I don't know if people out there understand what an awesome job you guys do. It's really pretty remarkable, so thank you. Yes, thanks, guys. Thank you, guys. You would have turned this off years ago were it not for their work. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. And I want to—who else do we want to thank? How about your parents? Thank your parents. Thank your team. Thank my team. Thank your team, Will. Obviously, I always want to thank—at every opportunity, I want to thank CAA for everything. You know, I— Scotty. Scotty. Scotty. Scotty's done a lot right from the get-go. He helped us a lot getting us going on social media and doing videos and stuff. Yeah, all that stuff. From the beginning. From the beginning. Yep. Jason's wife for fucking keeping him in line. Yeah. Getting us in front of the microphone. That's like a lion. She's like a lion tamer. She is. So, Sean, you go ahead. You have something you want to say? I'd be remiss if we didn't bring something up that's very, very exciting. We've got a bowl full of good news. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, nice. We're going to try this again, guys. We're going to try it again, yeah. This is big. It's a break in the clouds. Yeah. We're bringing SmartList. We're bringing SmartList to one of the most— One of the most iconic spots in the world, the Hollywood Bowl. Remember when we tried that last year? I knew, I knew. It got rained out. Yeah. This fall— But this time, yeah. Yeah. What's the date on that? It is Saturday, October 17th. This is a true story. We're really doing it. Saturday, October 17th. Tickets go on sale Friday, April 10th at 10 a.m. at smartlist.com slash live. 10 a.m. Pacific. 10 a.m. Pacific. 10 a.m. Pacific. Sorry. And guess what else? Our listeners have a chance to get tickets first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our pre-sale begins Wednesday, April 8th at 10 a.m. Pacific. Visit smartlist.com slash live and enter our code. You guessed it. Tracy with an E. Yep. T-R-A-C-Y. For first access. And I will say this, too, because a lot of people were bummed. And remember, so many people came up with this. Yeah, it was awful. So for those of you who had purchased tickets for last year's Rained Out show, be sure to check your emails because we set up a special time for you to purchase tickets. Isn't that cool? Wait, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a special thing. So you just get an email saying, hey, you can buy tickets. Yeah, hey, hey. Wait, wait. But did they get their money back for the tickets they purchased last time? They did. They got a refund. They got a refund. But now they got an email saying, hey, you get to jump the line or whatever it is. Very nice. All right. So that's October 17th at the Hollywood Bowl. If you don't live in Los Angeles, get on a bus, a train, a plane, a car, whatever you need to do. Just start walking maybe now. Get out here. It's going to be special. I'm so glad that we're doing this again. I am really, really glad. Me too. And a lot of people. Yeah, me too. Anyway, listen, so much fun stuff. But you know what? We're wasting time. We're wasting his time. And by the way, he does not have time to waste yet. He doesn't. He is someone. Doesn't have time to waste yet? He's a friend. He's such a friend of the show. He came on super early days. This is a double return? This is a return because he's a friend of the show. Very rare. Because we love him so much. Once I start naming all the stuff he's done, you're going to know instantly, even though our audience already knows because they're listening. But I can just tell you some of his accomplishments and maybe you'll get it. He first soloed Everest at 18, oxygen-free, without a Sherpa. He swam the English Channel in a hurricane. He's won 19 Home and Garden Awards. He's Conan O'Brien's number one enemy, and he won a Nobel Prize for farting. You guys, it's Stephen Colbert. Brilliant. Brilliant. Oh, my God. I like the technology I was asked to use to disguise myself. I know. It's so. I know. I was really excited there for a second that we were going to have an Everest summiter on this show. Yeah, I want to correct that. I did not summit Everest without a Sherpa. Oh, okay. It was without a shirt. Without a shirt. We were going up in teams, and it was shirts versus skins. Oh, gosh. Yeah. This was. You know, that. This was in middle school. And the coach was just like. He didn't have enough pennies, so it was like shirts versus skins. And we lost a lot of people on the South Call. A lot. We lost half the debate team on the South Call. Never came back. They're still up there. They're still, like. They're still. Forever young. Forever young. And it was refereed by Sir Edmund Hillary, of all things, which is amazing. Wait, would you do that? If you had an opportunity to at least go to base camp, I don't like heights. Let's go around. I don't like heights. I really don't. I would do it. I would do it. I would do it, too. I kind of like the cold like that. No, I just. There's something about that mountain that just gets me all cray-cray. Bullshit. Yeah, I swear to God. There's something about that mountain. That is reaching for manhood. There's just something about that mountain. I'm a K2 man myself. Really? Now, I stop at Akangagua. Okay? I only do. I only do South American peaks. Really? Look at me. Everest. That's kind of basic. Isn't that kind of basic to be an Everest guy? Of course not. Oh, the Beatles are great. I love Everest. I get my gas at Exxon. Fuck you. By the way, by the way. You're a poser. You're a fucking poser. You're a shirt. You're a shirt. You're on the shirt team. He died on the thing. Bateman lands at fucking Kathmandu. He checks out the bus that's picking him up, and he is back on the plane. He's so back to Dubai to make his connection to LA. As soon as it becomes clear to me that there's no Wi-Fi. As soon as there's no Wi-Fi, I'm back on the bus. What's the thread count? What's the thread count at 26,000 feet? It's way too low. Way too low. Do you know, when I was in middle school, Stephen, I used to hate shirts and skins. I used to get so self-conscious because I don't want to take my shirt off. I wasn't in great shape, but no, you did. Of course you did. I couldn't wait for it. Yeah, I had nipples the size of pepperonis. It was not. Me too. Me too. They used to call me shape. Me too. Shakey's. Shakey's Pizza, Los Angeles. And they used to take napkins and get the grease off of them. You'd volunteer to ref. You'd say, I'll just ref. I'm good. I'm good. What if I were the goal? Willie did some goalie time. Willie was a good goalie in hockey, right? There's no shirts and skins there. What time zone are you in? In Will? Space. Are you in New Zealand? Space. No, I'm in Los Angeles. It's early morning here. What time is it? It's 9.45, but I just. Do I look crazy? But Bateman, aren't you in Los Angeles too? I'm in Los Angeles and you two are in the New York City? I'm in New York City. Yeah, I'm in New York City. I'm in a dark room, Steven. I'm in my little booth. Oh, I see. Steven, what's going on? How much longer? Do you stay in New York City when you're done with the show? Yeah, until the court order. I have to stay in the tri-state area. So that's still pending. Just so they lift the court order, I have to stay in the tri-state. That's still in effect. I mean, we're appealing. Sure. But, you know, it's whatever judge you get. It's whatever judge you get. That has nothing to do. Of course, it's such a gift. It's who you know, man. It's who you know at child custody. I can't believe at this stage of the game you're still playing this courtroom politics. It's unbelievable. You know, I guess I'll stay in New York. I don't know. New York is home. New York's been home for how long? How long? I got, let's see. My first New York gig was in 19, meow, meow, meow, 1990. Why did I leave Second City? Sorry for the boredom here. No, we'll tighten this up. We'll tighten it all up. 94. 94. I came to New York to work for HBO Downtown Productions. I worked on a show called Eggs of 57. Oh, yeah. I do not recommend it. I do not think we knew what we were doing. Wait, what is it? I remember that. It was a sketch show. It was the year that, it was like, there was this one year where if you had any kind of sketch group, you got a show. It was us. It was the state. It was kids in the hall were still doing their thing. They were at the end of their thing. Wait, but who was in Eggs of 57 with you? I remember. Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello, Jody Lennon, and Mitch Rouse. It was the five of us. And then our director was a guy named Mick Napier. I don't know if you've known Mick. He was a Chicago improv director. What an introvert. And I lived here. I'd just gotten married. Of course, just got married and got a gig in New York. My wife, Evie, stayed in, I call her my wife. It's a pet name. And she stayed in Chicago. And I came and I lived in a seminary. I lived at the General Theological Seminary of the Episcopal Church. I lived in the dorms. I lived in a garret, like one of these garrets. On 21st Street over there? Yeah, yeah, down there. I lived in that thing. It's really beautiful. Beautiful. Those grounds are insane. Yeah, it started in 1827. It's where A Night Before Christmas. A Night Before Christmas takes place. Because Clement Clark. Jason. Sorry. What happened? Jason, wait, quick, mention golf. Oh, fuck, we're recording. Quick, mention golf. Steven, mention golf. Oh, the lawn out there is just, it is a bent leaf bluegrass. It is un-chippable. Very chippable. Anyway, I lived in there. My room had hot and hot running water. So that was my first gig. So I came here in 94. But then I moved. I moved back, I would go back between seasons until the Carvey Show, which was 90, 96. The Dana Carvey Show, we've mentioned before on this podcast, is the craziest group of talent of maybe the greatest grouping. Wasn't Steve Carell on that, too? Go ahead. Carell and I were office mates. We had been in Second City together. And then, yeah, it was me, Carell, Dino Stamatopoulos, Mike Stajanov, Louis C. Kay was head writer. Robert Smigel was the executive producer, of course, Dana Carvey. John Glazer, Robert Carlock. Yes, yes. And Charlie Kaufman. Wow. Was this on NBC? Yeah, and Heather Morgan, yeah. Dude. This was on ABC at like 8.30 or something after Home Improvement, whatever. After Home Improvement. It was a pure mismatch. They did not go together at all. Wait, I saw that clip of them promote the promo. It was some documentary. It was a clip from a documentary. It was called Too Funny to Fail, yeah. Too Funny to Fail. And you made me laugh, sorry, because you were laughing so hard at the clip. I had never seen the promo. Yeah. It was a promo. It was in the Home Improvement. Like, his son has got cancer or something, and he says to his dad, like, you know, he goes like, I don't want to die. And he hugs him and goes, you're not going to die. And then he goes, and then the Mug Root Pier Dana Carvey show. And we were just like. Of course we were canceled. That's what we were backing into. That was one of the funniest clips. If you haven't seen it, go online. How long did it go? We made, it was a 13-episode commitment, 13-episode buyout. That's why I moved to New York, you know. Sure, sure. Security. And then we shot eight of them, and seven of them went to air. And the eighth one was pretty good, I got to say. Well, how about this? How about a return to doing sketch work at a minimum? Are you going to get back into the sketch game? Will you pay me minimum? Right. Will you give me scale? But what about. Because I think that's pretty good for our industry right now. Well, look at what your office made Steve Carell. And I guess the question is. Yeah, I think he's kind of a flash in the pan at this point. I don't think Carell's going to pan out. There's an actor bug in you. And how about pursuing that? What do you think? Yeah, but those guys. Come on. They have to memorize lines. Yeah. And it has been 21 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been 21 years that I've been latched to a prompter. And I don't know if I have the old cerebellum left to memorize. No, it wouldn't take you long. It would not take you long. You guys are all actors, right? Yeah, a little bit. I don't know a lot of your work, but you guys all act? We'll send you stuff. We'll send you some clips. Michael, God, I just complimented our crew, and they didn't even send our fucking reels over to this guy. I can airdrop you mine. I'll airdrop you. I'll airdrop you mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, yeah, sure. 100%. Please send me some scripts, man. Truly? Come on. I'm open to whatever, man. I'll tell you one thing. I have no fucking idea what I'm really going to do until I finish what I'm doing, because I don't know if you've ever hosted a network talk show at 1130. But, oh, you would like to? You would like to? I'd like to. I have some terrible news. What, you would like to host a late night show? I would. That's always nice. Yeah, you don't have the energy. You're way too low energy for it. You wouldn't be able to do it. You'd be terrible at it. Do you enjoy, like, riding in a flaming toboggan down a hill, and the whole point is to not hit a tree by 1230 at night? Because that's what it feels like more than anything else. You're blindfolded. You've lost three shows. I'm sure I know I would. Every time I joke about this. The whole crew would quit. You wouldn't even have to fire them. They'd just fucking quit. Okay? They'd quit. You'd be too tired. You'd want to go home. You'd be like, fuck this. I've got to go again today? They're like, it's Wednesday. We started Monday. All right, but let's try it. Let's audition you. Okay, I'm the guest on your show. Let's do it. This is good. I'm the guest on your show. You're the host. I've come on, remember. By the way, which is the conceit of what we're doing now anyway, but go ahead. Okay, the show, but no, this is how it is. So the show, I'm coming on for a show that you haven't seen. Yeah. Or you have seen and do not like. Correct. Okay. It's Late Nighter with Jason. Baby. Hey, our first guest today is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new show on. Is it a daytime show? Is it a daytime? You just said today. So is this like at noon? Yeah, because I'm in bed by 8. Is this following the view? Okay, go ahead. Hang on. Let me talk to the audience. We're going to go one more time. Sometimes we do this. It's the Late Nighter with Jason Bateman. Hey, happy lunch, everybody. Today, our guest is Stephen Colbert. He's got a brand new show. He's got a brand new net episode that is good. But if you don't like it, it's on real fast and off real fast. Here he is. Welcome, please, Mr. Stephen Colbert. Stephen. Thank you. Hey, man. Great to see you. Hey, good to see you. Great to see you. God, you're a much taller in person. Thank you very much. That's a good standard opener, right? That's what I say to most people. I say that to most people and they come on. Right. Or have you seen it? Have you seen it? You gained weight. That's another good one. And then how about this for an opener? So what's been going on with you? Oh, you know, I've been working on the project. Did you like it? Oh, my goodness. Did you get a chance to see it? My wife and I sat down to watch it the other day. Oh, yeah. And my goodness, did we have a good time. Yeah, we do recommend people sit while watching it. Oh, absolutely. Or stand. You can fold laundry while you do it. You can do any number of things and not miss much. Hey. Was it fun to make? We got to wrap it up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for joining us today, Steve. Our next guest is just a two-minute segment. Wait, Stephen. Oh, I would love to do guests that quick. Wouldn't it be great? Maybe I should do that for my last show. I should have like 40 guests. Dude, do it right. They only get 30 seconds. Wait, but that's a really good idea. That's a really funny idea. Because I don't know who to have for my last guest. Like, that's a big thing. Like, people are going like, who's your last guest? I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. You can't sit. It's only standing. The only thing I could possibly imagine would be the right last guest, because is the pope. Mm-hmm, sure. Yeah. I've written, I've asked. I've asked him to come on. Have you really? He's been on my list, too. Could we end up hearing back from the Vatican yet? Is it a hard no yet? I've heard coin toss. It's coin toss at this point. Oh, God, imagine how old that coin is. Imagine how very old that coin is. On one side, it has the head of Tiberius. Of course. And you go, render under Caesar what is Caesar, And Colbert, what is Colbert's? that as my post. I should have said P.S. Oh, you know what? You should have had like a Latin motto. Your show should have had a Latin motto this whole time. Well, my old show did have a Latin motto, the Colbert Pour. The motto was Esse non quid esse. No, it was Quid esse non qu'esse, which meant to seem to be rather than be. Wow. I didn't know that. That's fantastic. It was on the thing. I also have a Latin motto on my, on my, on our fireplace at home. And it says burn unto thee. Yeah. What does it say? Abandon all hope. No, it says haec domus quam iocci adificawarunt est, which means this is the house that Joke's built. No way. That's great. That is cool. That's great. Do either one of you two know that? Quae hodie sum turi sumus benedicta deus periesum Christum dominum nostrum. There's my answer. Hey. Ophilemi boni beli dominus vabiscum beli ominus. Mincena in corpore sano. Listen, guys, who cares? I went to school on a bus. Oh, are you in that movie with Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic, where he raises his kids and takes his kids to their home? JB, have you seen that? I have not. You'd like his full frontal Viggo, too. Can I get into Viggo for a second here? Yeah. Do you see my background at all? Do you see the stuff of all my Lord of the Rings stuff here? Yes, I love that, Stephen. I think that's incredible. So this is a map of Middle Earth right there. Sean, stand up real quick. Let's see if he's got it. Sean, stand up. Okay. There's other things. This right here, this is in the Lord of the Rings in the final battle at the Black Gate. We watched them just like last week. He's wearing chain mail under his plate. Yes, yes. Viggo is. This is some of the chain mail from Viggo's armor in that final scene. Wait, how did you get that? How did I get that? Stephen, how old were you when you lost your virginity? They don't just give these shows away, Sean. You've got to be a mover. That's not even what I wanted to show you, fuckers. Listen to this. I'll tell you how he got it. He asked offhand to an assistant. Let me see that. Oh, yeah. That is an image of Aragorn made out of chocolate. Oh, my God. Who did it? Given to me by Viggo Mortensen. Wow. That's really cool. He gave this to me 25 years ago when he was promoting the Lord of the Rings. You obviously know the story where he, in anger, kicked one of the dead orcs and ripped his toe off. He kicked a helmet. He kicked a helmet. Yeah, one of the dead orcs up on the helmet. And then he kept going and his scream is him screaming in pain. Yeah, I think that's And Peter Jackson went, oh, that was good. Let's keep that take. And then he found out later. We'll be right back with dork chat after this first. Hey. Hey. Hey, guys. Now that we've cleared the ladies out of the room, let's get down to it. All right. They're all gone. All right. Whose shirts? Whose skins? We'll be right back. We'll be right back. All right. Back to the show. Wait a minute, Stephen. I want to go back to the talk show for a minute. Wait, because you were kind of alluding this with Jason. Me too, but they won't let me. Obviously, I don't want to know names. Please don't say names. But what are the types of guests that are the greatest and the types that are the worst? And also mouth the worst. The worst? Oh, boy. Oof. The best guests are just anybody who wants to talk and actually have a conversation. Like, that the card is immaterial. Like, we don't have to stick to the card. I mean, don't get me wrong. I really like, like, Nathan Lane comes on, and what I love about him is that he's old-timey. Yeah. And it has nothing to do with his age. It means he comes on, and he, I know, to ask him a question, and he's got 90 seconds on that subject, at the end of which there's a word he says, and he's done with that story. Right. And I move on to the next thing, which is very, a very old school, very Carson. And I love it. It's the old days. But what I really like is just somebody who's just coming to come on and talk. Right. And also someone who's really, that's why I like Neil Tyson, because Neil Tyson, A, I'm interested in this subject, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Absolutely. And then he burns so, like, passionately, he wants to explain things, he's like this lump of, like, glowing conversational uranium, and I feel like singed on one side of my body after he leaves. We loved him, too. He's so good. He's a joy. I stumped him. He couldn't answer my question. That's not true. He didn't get it. Who, name all the children on the Partridge family? And what their astrological signs were? Yeah, he couldn't get it. Couldn't get it. No, he got it. He got stumped on Danny. He had everybody but Danny. Would you think he'd know? Right, because Danny's on a cusp. He's a cancerly old cusp. Wait, Stephen, tell me about, and I know I'm sorry if you've answered this question a billion times, what are you feeling about the end of your show? And, like, all of that, and. I actually have not answered it a million times. I've answered it once to Seth Meyers, and he answered that, he asked that question way better. Let's see how Jason would do. Well, I mean, it's. Jason, do it on your show. How would you ask Stephen on your show? Yes. Stephen, end of your show, thoughts? 250 people losing their jobs. Any feelings? You've only got 30 seconds, remember. People gotta get back after lunch. Lunch breaks these days are short. Yeah, 30-second clips. Hey, listen. You know, on one level, I have no time to feel anything about it because, as I said, I was just saying, it really is like a flaming toboggan ride every day. Like, I got a show. I don't have time for this bullshit. I've gotta go do a show today. And it takes everything I got. I don't know what I'm gonna do after this because I don't have time to really. I mean, I've got stuff I'm committed to doing things after this that I committed to before we were canceled that I've gotta, like, deliver on. But what I'm gonna really do, I don't know, because this takes almost all of my brain to do this. And I love. And this group of people that I work with, I have cobbled together over the last 21 years, some over, like, 30 years of working on TV. Yeah, it shows. The show is so goddamn good. Thanks. And we have a really good time to each other. I mean, we have real affection for each other. We have a great time together. We call it the joy machine because it's a machine all the time. And you can either do it with joy or not do it with joy because if you don't do it with joy, your finger's gonna get caught in the gears and you're just gonna be fucking mad and sad all the time. And so, you know, we just try to have a good time and we want our guests to have a really good time. Like, the whole thing is I really feel like I'm a host. It's like I'm hosting a party. But people get nervous, though. I remember JB, sometimes people are in the dressing room and they're shitting their pants. Stephen, look. God, I love it. Wait, wait, look. You have not been back. He's been sitting on that. You have not been back since that story has been told and I've been waiting to give you a pair of underwear. No, we got our underwear. By the way, you sent us underwear. I still wear it. I still wear mine. I still wear mine, too. I still wear it. I have it on right now. Wait, wait. I don't have underwear. Yeah, you do. We sent you all underwear. We sent you really nice like Calvin underwear or something like that. No, what are they? What are they, Sean? No, they're called. What's the brand? Go low. Go low, Sean. Are they Tommy, like Tommy. Tommy Bahama. No, they're Tommy. They're on the back. They're on the back. Tommy Bahama. I don't know what. Have I not. Wait, Steve. Scotty, come check my underwear again. He's like, again? I can't read upside down. This is the fourth time this is not for that. Not for that. What brand is Wednesday? Wait, Steve, and I haven't been back since then? That's not true. You have not back since you shit your pants on my show. Oh, David Cross can confirm. For daily wear. For daily wear. Oh, yeah, that's. Oh, fuck. I have a. Mark. Mark. Mark. Andresen. Mark Andresen. That's how he made the billions. Mac. Mac Wellen. Mac. Okay. Mark Andresen. Mark Wayne. Mark Wayne Mellon. Mark Wayne Mellon. Fucking. You know, it's unreal. These tech guys, they're moving to underwear. It's been unprecedented. Oh, my underwear's in the cloud. It went from AI to underwear. My underwear's in the cloud now. I shit. I shit my pants in the cloud. My underwear's in your trash can. We should explain to the listener that I had a little accident. No, I don't think we should. No, I don't think we should explain. I'm sorry. You come and shit your pants on my show, you don't get to explain anything until you come on my show to explain. You don't get to burn this story on somebody else's show, even if it's yours. I think Jason should be your last guest now, obviously. It's not. He only comes up for 30 seconds. I'm sorry, that's all we have time for. I gotta go clean myself. Goodbye. Yes. Well, all of our guests in our gift bag, we do have. We have dude wipes. Now we do. Dude? Yeah. They're denim. They're denim dude wipes. God damn it. Wait, so Steven. God damn it. 35 minutes in, we haven't had a question yet. I love it. This is called a good guest. No. He asked how I was feeling. Sean asked how I was feeling. Yeah, do you remember that? Yeah. Then you ask them thoughts. Let me finish answering that question Just saying How do I feel Still very happy and grateful to have done the show for 11 years And pre-missing everyone And when is the last show When is the date They haven't told me yet Someone's just going to come up and shoot me in the back of the head Execution style And they want me to wear a chin strap beard And a stove pipe hat And I don't understand why A bunch of plastic on the desk I just come in I go huh What's all the plastic doing on the floor It's May 21st So they're going to get some sweeps ratings out of it Yeah Do you know there are no sweeps anymore Sweeps don't exist They haven't been around for like 8 years Get back in the game baby I know this podcast thing is working out for you guys But you know You've lost a step Old TV Still Old TV There's no more There's no pilot season No There isn't Although I just read that they're going to try to do that again That they're going to do pilots again Well what's so Yeah anyway Oh pilot season Maybe I'll fly out and do pilot season again That was always fun Why don't you do that Stay at the Oakwoods Stay at the Farmer's Daughter Or whatever the thing that was Oh my god I'm Fairfax I used to stay at the Oakwoods Yeah stay at the Farmer's Daughter Or I had a brother who lives up in La Cañada I would stay with him Oh my god He had great cars He would lend me his Porsche I would go to these I didn't have I couldn't like I didn't have Back then it was like pre-cell phones I wouldn't I couldn't make a phone call I had no cash But I would pull up to the audition In a white Carrera Wow What's your brother do? Was lawyer He's 19 years senior than me And I'm one of 11 He's the eldest on the baby And a big, big California land use lawyer And many other things too Wow Yeah So you had nothing but Poor you had a Thomas guide Oh sure you did Oh I did Page 33 and 34 The Thomas guide flipped over Okay H like that I remember I had a Thomas guide I just kept it in my bag all the time Because I don't know I never knew when I'd have to go to LA And when OJ was When the chase I was driving from New York What happened? Yeah This guy got railroaded Tell him I have some terrible news Oh my god You're gonna be so He's a fucking crazy OJ OJ fan What? Oh You're gonna be so All the way back to the Trojans We've kept him insulated Because he just He's such a fan Oh I was driving from New York Down to Maryland For a wedding And he's in the chase And I just I'm in the backseat Driving down with these people To a wedding And I get in the backseat I've got the Thomas guide Following where he is Based on what they're saying On the radio On the Thomas guide And we go Oh he's getting off He's gonna get off the highway Here's his exit And I was like Trying to stay warm I was one step ahead of OJ The whole time baby You were like What's he doing? He's taking Montana? That's crazy At this time of day? Was it crazy? He'll never make it back Yeah I was in I remember I was in I was out here I was in California Briefly When that happened I was staying at a friend's house Up in the hills And I could see You could see Where he was going by All the helicopters Going along the freeway Just the pack of helicopters Following him And then culminating In his house It was so scary I still feel like That was like Three years ago I know Isn't that weird? Yeah Yeah I know I remember they interrupted I think the NBA playoffs Or something Yes Right? Yes The Knicks The Knicks were in the finals With the Lakers When I arrived at this wedding My wife had gone on ahead of me It was all her friend It was her friend getting married And I pull up To this And they haven't He's not out of the car yet It's still the overhead chase And I come up And my wife is at the door of the bar Where everyone's meeting The night before the wedding And I get out of the car I walk past her I went Hi And I walk into the bar She has not seen me Because I'm living in New York Working And she's in Chicago She hasn't seen me Like in two weeks I went Hi I walked by her And I went up to the bar And I said Can you please change that game To any news station right now? And the guy went No And I said I promise you People will be interested in this Yeah Because remember Everybody was really concerned That he was just wanting To get into his driveway So that he could Commit suicide In the back of that Remember they said That there's a gun back there And he just wanted To get to his house And get it done And a wig Something Yeah And there was a whole Suicide note And a wig A wig was there? It was a wig Oh a wig Not Kristen I'm sorry It was a wig Kristen's wig Was in the backseat He was actually It was the same day He was auditioning For La Cage No way They were paired And he would have been He would have been fantastic In all fairness Let's all admit Yes You know murder Yes But fantastic Yeah incredible In fairness you're right You think Nathan Lane Hasn't killed somebody? There's our clip I am what I am Who knew our 300th Would be our last? You know Right This is This is pretty Oh happy 300 This is 300? Thank you Now yeah I think This is 300 You were on early You were on early Early days One of our first ones First 10 First 20 Yeah I didn't even I didn't even know Who you guys were They're like Do you want to do this thing? And I'm like Oh you still don't Price was right Yeah You're googling us As you speak Wait back to The Farmer's Daughter I hooked up with someone At the Farmer's Daughter Huh? Oh go ahead Wait a second Wait a second Wait a second Was he pale and Irish From South Carolina? Was he very lonely? Did he keep on calling Did he call you Evie? Steven does that Does that line up Steven with what you called Your blackout days? Is that Yeah This is all time out I think we matched Legos Wait Sean Sean keep Keep going Uh huh No that's it It was I was so young End of story So then So you'd go audition In the morning You'd audition like A couple of places In the morning And then you'd go to the Whatchamacallit The Farmer's Market That's right But the old one In the big parking lot Whatever Before the Grove was built Yeah And then you'd get Like a fruit plate And you and all the people You knew from Chicago Which was my situation You'd sit around And you'd put your Beeper That's right In the middle of the table And everybody put your Beeper in front of you And you'd be eating like Some lovely melon Or whatever like that And then And somebody would start buzzing That's right And Call back And then you'd be like Well Yeah Well that's the life I could have had What was that great breakfast Place that was there Denny's At the Farmer's Market Yeah Oh it's called DuPars DuPars No no it wasn't DuPars It was like a It was like a counter It was not DuPars It was like a It was part of the Farmer's Market though There were a lot of Tasty little treats in there Well Stephen Do you remember Do you remember going in And reading for Reading for a pilot And signing your Your five year deal And seeing And seeing what you Could be making If you do Make Make it past This final round Yeah I want you to know I did not go to Network that many times Huh I It turned out Had to write for myself Because Yeah yeah I I was ostensibly an actor But I was really A I turned out I was probably a writer Who needed to write for himself Because I didn't There's not a lot of tape on me From the early days And I went to network Oh god They were going to do An Addams Family I remember that Oh wow They were going to do Like a reboot Of the Addams Family I did I was called back in For Gomez I remember that That was kind of fun Do you remember who got it? Do you remember who Who's in that pilot? Nope Oh Here's a good one I was supposed to be The sidekick Did I tell you this already? No Did I tell you this last time? I was offered The sidekick For the magic hour What's the magic hour? I was Magic Johnson's Talk show No way Oh wow Yeah I was offered The sidekick On the magic hour Did that ever go? I don't remember that show It did It went for like Eight weeks Or something like that Like whatever 32 shows Or something like that And I got called in A really lovely fella Named Jim Sharp Who used to He was head of development For Comedy Central And I knew him through that And he goes Would you come in And just meet with these people? And I said sure I mean I had A wife and a child And none of us had any jobs And I was like Whatever I will dance on the head of a pin Right You know Shirtless And I I went in And I met with them And First I went to the gym And then Magic's team came in And Magic's team All looked like The Lakers? The entire basketball team Just the Laker girls Just the Laker girls Okay sorry They all came in They're all very attractive Very athletic looking And all I think Is that they look like lawyers And they came in And they explained to me Like what the show was going to be And they said You're going to be like You're going to be the announcer And the sidekick And you'll be like You're like Magic's crazy uncle Like he'll do He'll do a monologue But you're like the crazy guy And you'll pepper him with like You'll yell things at him And you're like You'll say stuff And he'll like He doesn't know What you're talking about Like you know You're like the crazy uncle He doesn't understand What you're saying Or anything like that And evidently I really wowed them In when I said I understand what you mean Like I said I don't remember saying Anything other than The words you're saying Are registering With my tympanum And then I got called And they said They want you man They want you And I had to sit My pregnant wife down Because I flew back to New York And I had to sit My pregnant wife down And we're unemployed She's pregnant And I had to say to her I've been offered this job On the magic hour And I have to not take it And she goes What? And it paid well I'm going to say It paid well And we didn't have, we were living with her. her parents back in South Carolina. It was a bad situation. And we're in the breakfast nook of her parents' house. And I said, I can't. I just think this would not be good for me. Like, I would never be able to wash off this tape. I just don't think this is going to be good. And then she stood up. God bless this woman. She stood up. She looked at me, and she said, okay. She said, I trust you. And then she walked out of the room, and it was a bad moment. And then, like, six weeks later, it went on the air. And she turned to me. She says, good call. Because Magic comes out, turns to this guy. I forgot who it is. Perfectly lovely comedian who got the gig. I used to know his name. I can't remember. You'd know him if you saw him. He's a funny guy. And the first thing the guy says to Magic, Magic goes, man, he's like my crazy uncle. He says things, and I don't know what he's talking about. He, like, just named exactly what they had said to me in the meeting. And then it kind of went downhill from there. And so that was. You think you would have ended up owning a piece of the Dodgers had you stayed? No, but a lot of movie theaters. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's not a great business nowadays, right? Owning those theaters. Those are closing, aren't they? You can just go in and buy popcorn, you know. You don't have to actually go see a movie. No kidding. You can just go in and buy popcorn and work the Coca-Cola machine. No shit. Yeah. That's how they're surviving. I live so close to Century City, I could just. See, it's convenient. You don't even think about it. God. So, wait. So, that's like 94, 95. That type of thing, like in there. That's pre or post? Yeah, that's 90. That's 97. That's 97. That's 97. It's post my first gig. So, it's right before Strangers with Candy. Yeah, it's after Carvey even. After Carvey. It's after Carvey. I've done X-37, then I've done Carvey, and then Strangers with Candy. I actually, while I was out there for that pilot season, Paul Dinello and I, with Amy Sedaris, wrote the pilot over the phone. We wrote the pilot for Strangers. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. So great. I know you kind of already answered this, but after you're done with the show, I don't know, everybody's going to keep asking you over and over, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? I feel like a college senior. I feel like I'm just about to graduate. Because they want you. Because they want more of you. We didn't get a vote in all this. Everyone was watching your show because they want you. They love you. They don't want it to be over. Right, right. So, what are you going to do for us? So, what's the story? Yeah, so what's the dream? I guess I just join you guys. You guys. That'd be great. There we go. We've got our second clip. Fourth? Yeah. You need four? Finally, you're in. You're finally ready. We're ready. Even split, right? Even equity? Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah, yeah. I can get up higher. Or I'll dilute one of you. I'll dilute one of you. We'll draw straws. We'll draw straws to see who gets diluted. Sounds fair. Okay, sure. Yeah. We'll be right back. And now, back to the show. But what is the. I know, sorry. We can move on from this if you want. But what is the dream? Like, is there anything that you've always wanted to do? Here's the thing. There's a lot of things that I enjoy doing. I kind of live in the dream. You know, this was never my dream. I never had any intention to do this gig. It was. No, I never had any intention to. This was a happy accident that I got this gig. Like, I quit the old show before this show came to me. I hadn't told anybody I'd quit. I was like, okay, this is the end. That was the end of that show. And then before I could tell anybody, they offered me this. And then I came over here. But the idea was just, I was just going to go back being an actor again. I was going to go just do that, live that life. So then maybe we can look forward to that, what Jason was saying. Maybe you're going to be an actor. Yeah, I'm about to go. I'm about to enter into show business again. I've kind of not been in show business for 21 years because this is artificial. Like, to be able to come in every day to know where your clothes are and who you're working with and what time it starts and what time it ends. Right. And especially as the. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As the host, because you kind of even. You even get to make the yearly schedule. You just have to hit a number. But you get to make the dates. But after 21 years of that, now I'm like, wait, so if I'm lucky, I have to go to Prague for three weeks? Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? Yeah. Prague's a lovely place, but, like, I've really enjoyed. I mean, I got to raise my kids under those conditions, like, where I know where I was. Yeah, right. And I was so lucky. And there's lots of young people who this was their first job, and they've been with me for 20 years. And now they're not young anymore. Amazing, amazing. And I'm trying to prep them. I'm trying to prep them for what it was like before I had this gig, which is real show business, which is, like, high diddly-dee-dee in actor's life for me. You know, it's very much of a caravan. But then, so then just to build on that, then, I mean, the bar is very high for that which you are comfortable doing. Like, you don't want to be. Or very low. Or very low. Like, I really, honest to God, I tell you, you know, the person who did the thing that I most admire, I mean, not most admire, but the thing that really struck me is, like, you know what Hader did when he left SNL? Huh? He went and wrote for South Park for a season. Uh-huh. And I remember I saw him. I was still doing the first show when he did that. And I was sitting behind him at the Emmys, and I said, man, that's the perfect thing to do. Just go serve something that you love already. Like, see, can I be of service to people whose work I really admire? And I thought, that's a great thing to do. Don't even worry about, like, your status of your previous gig. Just go do something you love. I just don't have the time to. I mean, I got some things I do want to do, but I would never do that. I would never tell you what they are. Sure. No, no. Because then you would go do them. Right, right. This is a cutthroat. I know what it's like. But just a hint. I know what Hollywood is like. Just a hint, though. Just a little hint. Just a hint? Is it streaming? Is it linear? It's just us. It's just us here. It's pay-per-view. Pay-per-view. That's still a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be. It's mostly. It's a form of. UFC. It's a form. It's MMA, technically. It's a form of MMA. Oh, okay. So smart. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Would you fight Jake Paul? Could that be your next move? Who wouldn't watch that? Come on. God, I would love that so much. Sprinting around the ring. If you announced. If you challenged him to a fight when you rap. I remember on the old show, I challenged. Do you know who Brock Lesnar is? Yes. Sure, yeah. On the old show, I challenged Brock Lesnar to a fight. I called him a pussy and everything like that. And I was. It occurred to me that it was over multiple shows and I don't know why I did it. I don't know what had happened that I got mad at Brock Lesnar in character. And at a certain point, I went, I should stop saying this. Did he ever come on the show? That guy's enormous. My head would just sheer off cleanly like a graham cracker if he punched me once. God, remember him? Jesus. He's still alive. He's not dead, is he? No, I know. Don't even joke about Brock Lesnar dying. No, yeah. No, no, no, no. I mean, when he was fighting, remember him. Oh, yeah. He's a monster. Remember Mike Tyson was just like. Just so violent in the ring. Have you seen that? The Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight? Have you seen the footage where Mike pulls a punch because if he had followed through, he would have killed Jake Paul? You see that calculation of like, eh, I promised him I wouldn't do this. And then he puts his fist down because Jake's open completely. His head is just. Enter here sign right on his chin. And Tyson sees the opportunity and you see him not take the opportunity. I remember seeing that video going around and everybody saying this is definitely what the deal was. Yeah. I mean. Did you. Like, I say I grew up. I'm old enough. I'm much older than two of you. And. And I. When I was a kid, we was. Ali was on TV. There's no paper. Like, you would go watch Ali on TV. And Foreman and Smoke and Joe Fraser. And it was. It was a big part of my childhood was watching professional boxing. I never understood it. I don't. Where the goal is to hit someone so hard that they lose consciousness. They lose consciousness. Yes. That's the goal. To hit them as hard as you possibly can just shy of killing them. That's right. You don't get it? That's the sweet science right there. Sean, you don't get it. Well, what's the draw? I mean, you've met people before, right? And by the way, if you do kill them, you're good. You've been in the world. Don't get prosecuted. No, you can. If. Oh, really? If they die, you can get prosecuted? Boxers can get prosecuted, yeah. Really? Oh, really? Yeah. But isn't that the goal? To kill. No, the goal is to not kill them. But almost kill them. Yeah. How about bullfighting? How do you feel about bullfighting? Oh, that's not good. Sure, I'll watch it for a few seconds. Yeah, I'll eat them, but I won't stab them. How dare you? I'll eat them. How dare you? I'll watch them. I'll put a bolt stunner in their head and bleed them out. And then I'll grind them up. But I wouldn't want anyone in tight pants to taunt it to death. Don't you. Don't you. Don't you. Don't you drag us out to deep water. How dare you? Wait. It's called heritage. It's called heritage, my friend. El heritijo. I am listening to you. What's the. Yeah, that's exactly right. Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, beautiful. It's an art. If you could bring. I went to the bullfight. We went to the Plaza del Toro in Madrid when I was a kid with my mom. And my mom. My mom. I remember the whole time she was like, I don't know, I know I shouldn't love it. I know I shouldn't love it. But. And the bull. It was a bad fight. One of the. One of the. One of the. The fights was bad. The matador was bad. And my mother stood up as the bull was being dragged off and yelled, Viva el Toro! And I'm like, you're from Larchmont. What is happening to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a Hemingway fan. That was the problem. Or the opportunity. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Papa, as we call him. Yeah, the sun also rises. - Are they still doing bullfighting? - They are, in Spain they still are. - Of course, yeah. There's this Provencal bullfighting Which is like on the In southern France near the Spanish border They don't hurt the bull They taunt the bull And they run away from it And they basically do dives to get out of its way And between its horns There are strings tied And there are little ribbons and things And if you get close enough to pull the ribbon off And not get hit by the bull That's the primo de primo The French, they just surrender to the bull immediately Is that the deal? Some of them, they tell the bull where the Jews are Wait, what do you get if you pull a ribbon off the bull? Honor What do you get? Honor And is there a receipt for that? Yes, there is I'll send it to you on his website I follow the season There's a season And then it's their teams So you're into it, you're into that Would you ever run with the bulls? Yes, I would My son did that It's a very good, it's a very manly look To wear the white outfit It's the Feast of San Sebastian or something I forget what it's called There's a tomato fight associated with the weekend, isn't there? That's a different thing That's a totally different town That's true I was sent a package There's a town in Spain Where they have tomato fights The way that you mix up Your European festivals Is so funny It's fucking gross, dude And then don't they throw oranges at one of them, too? There's an orange toss During Oktoberfest Yeah And then you drink beers You go up to Germany and you have beers It's the same weekend How much time do you spend with Sedaris these days? Not enough God, she's a treasure, isn't she? She's lovely She's just marvelous That Instagram of hers I don't know how she gets those photos Very powerful Her birthday is Coming up soon Well, what's amazing is How big she is on Instagram She didn't get a cell phone Until about 2018, I don't think 2018, right? I mean, you know that, too She never had a cell phone She had to call her at home And leave her a message Oh, by the way A friend of mine just Do you know there's These are like new things There's now landlines are coming back And you can And there's six numbers There's like 630886 or whatever Instead of a seven number No, but Yes, correct And it's tied to The internet in your house But it's a landline And it can only go to A certain person Like, right? One person Like a hotline Only that person can pick up the phone? Yeah Like, is there a thumbprint identifier? I don't know It's like a hotline Like the old school hotline Almost like a hotline, yeah And they're getting really popular Really fast Hmm Do a little bit more research on that And come back and listen to it, Sean I was about to say You know what, Stephen That story did not pan out A lot of excitement A lot of excitement A lot of excitement And if we had jumped on Maybe we could have gotten That boat up on its skags Yeah, yeah, sure We could have actually We could have made the wave with you Yeah But we just washed you But there's nothing else to the story Other than landlines are coming back You know what? You should do that maybe, Stephen What about a landline Where you have like a hotline And you answer People call it And you just stand by the phone And you answer questions They pay you Right? Sort of a couple bucks And then you pick up the phone And you give them like 30 seconds Oh, I have a wealth of knowledge Ask me anything Ask me anything Right now, let's try it out Ask me anything And let's see Let's see if I Let's see if I know Anything about the subject In what country And on what weekend Do they do the tomato fight? This is great This is great That is That is actually It's not in Spain It's in Italy It's on the Feast of San Cristobal It's on the 8th of August Do you see this guy? Come on Is that true? Is that true? No, it's total bullshit But that's But that's what you're gonna get On his hotline And I think I think the name That'll be my podcast And it'll be called A Dangerous Thing Because a little knowledge Is a dangerous thing And I just I answer I answer all All of your questions As with absolute confidence Yeah, you know Just enough to be misinformed Because you have I have I have broad But very shallow Like you cannot get Your ankles wet In my level of knowledge In most things Other than the Lord of the Rings It's called Good Smelling Bullshit With Stephen Colbert That's right Then you don't know What it's like to be married to me Are you like Are you Are you super into the Because you're into The Lord of the Rings and stuff I love it I imagine through Initially through the books Are you a big Star Wars guy too? Because Sean is huge Star Wars and that whole world I do I do enjoy I do enjoy the The Star Wars universe I was Lucky enough When I was 13 years old Star Wars came out In 77 And Because WTMA The local radio station With the host Boobie Nash And 12 12.50 on your AM dial They gave away tickets You had like Be like the fifth caller And you got Four tickets To see this movie And nobody knew What it was It was called Star Wars And I won Or my friend Keith Sargi And it was me And Keith Sargi And Haskell Feudenberg And Haskell's mom Because we couldn't drive We went to go see it We had no idea what it was And it was three weeks Before it was released Nationally And so we went to Northwoods Mall or something And we had these Early tastemakers We had to stop by The radio station To pick up the tickets And they were big blue Tickets that had like The Death Star on it And an X-Wing We didn't know what Any of this was Right, right And we wanted to keep the tickets Because that would be cool They said, no, you gotta Give us the tickets But they handed us back A big button With a star field on it That said, may the force Be with you We had no idea What that meant But we put our pins on And we sat down Absolutely No idea what we were About to experience And then You know, it was like A long time ago In the galaxy Far, far away We're like, what does that mean? And Star Wars comes up And we were It grabbed us By the The scrotum Like it just Dragged And I was 13 And there wasn't much To grab at that point And Dragged us into the story And And the next day Like the next Monday We all went to school And There was no explaining To anyone How everything was different now Right Yeah, yeah, yeah And then three weeks later Everybody was You know, excited And we were like But we We knew before you did Did you keep any of that stuff? Do you still have any of that? I still have the button, yeah No, you still do, of course Wow The button is in my workroom On the pegboard still That's amazing Sean will hire somebody To come and You shouldn't have said I'm scared You had Sean at Pegboy Yeah Yeah Yeah Steven, I'll clean your office For you tonight if you want Yeah Wait, Steven Go back to The Lord of the Rings Just for two seconds And then we gotta let you go I know you gotta No problems here, baby What do you wanna know? I know, but But like How often do you watch the movies? Oh I mean I love The movies I've seen them many times Again I saw them Like I wrangled In any way I could To get tickets And whatever Little Hollywood connections I had But when those things came out To get in before anybody could see them Like I saw Like the Directors Guild Preview screening Across town here Right And I've seen them many times But I And I love Peter Jackson And Philippa And Philippa Boynes And Fran Walsh Jason, you ever seen it? Which? Lord of the Rings Lord of the Rings I don't think I've seen Any of the Lord of the Rings No way Yeah You're not shitting me, right? You've not seen I'm not I bet I I probably saw like The first one But I haven't Let's do it at your house The Return of the King I was just I was just gonna ask What is The Return of the King What is considered Between the Lord of the Rings Star Wars And Star Trek What is considered like The best The best Well they're all so different Yeah The best what? Get to the Get to the now The best film I mean Empire Strikes Back I guess always You mean in In like Science fiction or fantasy genre? Yeah just like quality of film And like the effects And yeah Lord of the Rings That trilogy is generally considered Among the cognizanti in this world To be the only The only perfect trilogy Yeah Wow It's perfectly executed Yeah And how old are they? They're They're 20 years old This is the 25th This year is the 25th anniversary I had Elijah Wood on last night Oh you did? The 25th anniversary Of the first film Oh right I just read about that And he was embarrassed to say That he's yet to finish the books He has not read the books yet He started the books Yeah That'd be my story Yeah I remember I saw those At the Burlington Mall Burlington, Massachusetts That's a great story And you like The Hobbit? That was a really Wait no I want to hear more about this story Tell me about the Burlington Mall Hang on I'm just reading an email But I'll tell you what I do I do do And I realize I just said do do Is that I read the books constantly Oh you do? I love the movies I admire so much What they did with it But I'm a book guy Like I Other than those What kind of books are you into? What do you like to read? When I was younger I was a huge Salinger fan I mean When I was I've read I used to read a book a day When I was younger When I had the time And it was All science fiction and fantasy And then A lot of philosophy A lot of Religious text Stuff like that You know like Comparative religion text Joseph Campbell Sure A lot of poetry I love Galway Kennel Boy I'm bummed That I asked that question This is serious man Mary Oliver Mary Oliver Have you read any Mary Oliver? No I'm much more sort of In fiction I'm really into like Noir and stuff like that And I was going to say Len Dayton died yesterday The great Len Dayton Who wrote I don't know if you guys Are into any of that stuff No? Okay No Big shout out Stephen Colbert Let me just look at My notes here Really quickly Any questions for Stephen? Not a question Is there a second question? No There's not really A second question For 300 guests Yeah Like this is - It's such a special thing. - It's already over. - That you are our baby. - God damn it. an hour. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. Check the gate. It's just fun to play. We just want to play with you more. I'll have more time in June. Yeah, we're going to clear a seat for you. Please invite me back every, what was it? It's been five years since I was on? Yeah. Almost six years. Because you were on early. It's been almost six years. So please, let's see in six years. This has been so fun. But truly, Stephen, for such a special thing for our 300th episode, it's really, really cool. I didn't know this was 300th. What an honor to be on such a milestone. Who did you have for 200? Do you remember? The Pope. He answered us. Francis? Pretty quickly. That was an incoming from him. I don't remember. But it is true. It was a big deal. We wanted to have you, and we went out of our way to make sure that you were our 300th guest, and you're just a delight in everything you do. As you know, I'm a fan. Not only are you a great guy, I'm such a fan of what you do. I've always kind of looked up to you. You're so funny and great and gracious and cool. Thanks, you guys. Well, this was the reason why I came on, is that you hadn't been on very long, but every one of these I heard, I thought, that sounds like enormous fun to go on. And I underplayed how fun it is to talk to you guys. I admire what you guys have built. You finally found what you should be doing. Yeah. And I'm happy for you. You know, just hold on to it tight. Hold on to it tight. Don't take it for granted. We're gripping so tight. We are gripping so tight. And the listeners can feel it. Thanks, you guys. Thank you, man. Have a great rest of your day. Have a good show. Thank you, pal. Bye. Bye, buddy. Well, I tell you, the talk show hosts, they never fail. Always the best guests. God, he's funny. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I know. He is a fucking funny man. It's just unbelievable. And it went by in three seconds. I know. I know. I could talk to him about Lord of the Rings for nine hours. I know you did, Angel. I know. It would be amazing. Hey, will you come over and show me one of those? Yes. Yes, please. Okay. I would love to do that. Now, but if I'm going to like see a Lord of the Rings film, a Harry Potter film, a Star Trek film, or a Star Wars film, which would be like the greatest cinema? I don't know if Star Trek, I don't think is in the same. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know, all due respect, I think that it's kind of a different. Scotty's a huge Star Trek. Yeah, it is. He's a huge Star Trek fan, but I'm not. So like which is like the best film, right? I get they're all great movies, but like is there like a real cinematic, like Harry Potter's got some incredible production design. Of course, of course. But I think that what you're looking for would be Lord of the Rings. Those movies are cinematically incredible. Beautiful. It's like they're like, you know, what's that big movie that Spielberg was inspired by that's super famous? Super famous, old, old, old movie that was sweeping. Lawrence of Arabia? Yeah, Lawrence of Arabia. It's kind of like that. It's like scope and huge. Gotcha. It's really incredible. I've heard that Sony's got an incredible 70 millimeter print of Lawrence of Arabia. Oh, really? Yeah, and that we should bother them and go and ask Tom Rothman if we can go watch it. I've never seen it. It's supposed to be amazing. Yeah, I've never seen it. It's supposed to be incredible. Well, let's go. I know. Let's go today. Let's go today. Guys, how insane that we've done 300 episodes. A lot of people say it feels like we've done 600. Yeah. And, yeah. But to have Stephen on really just so special and I want to say I love doing this with you guys so much. This is such a joy. Back at you, buddy. It's never a dull moment. Always so fun. It's never hard. We're so lucky and I'm just going to say that I'm going to piggyback on that and just say I love you guys. I'm so lucky. We're like family and brothers. And I just, I love you. Love you right back. I love both of you guys so much. So, so much. You're really important to me. Thank you for the gift of your friendship and this partnership. Truly. Likewise. Well, with that, I think I've overstayed my. I will say this. I will say this. Well, here it goes. We've found, we've made a great connection in this life. He's feeling confident about this one. The three of us. And you know, you've been out there. Connections like these are really, really, really hard to come. Bye. Bye. 300. Smart. Less. Smart. Less. Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Bennett Barbico, Michael Grant Terry, and Rob Armjerf. Smart. Less.