Step 4 Making the Specific Request

Welcome to the fifth episode of the Art of Nonviolent Communication podcast. Today we're going to talk about the specific requests. This is the fourth step in the NVC process. And this is when you are making a genuine attempt to get your needs met. The other steps are more the preliminary steps, their connection building, letting the other person know where you're coming from and why you're feeling the way you do and how you're feeling and now the specific request. So all the other three steps are very important. Sometimes people will go right into the request and that does sometimes work. But if you do the other steps, it's much more likely to work because you're you're much more likely to have built connection and understanding and that makes it much easier for them to you know want to help you get your needs met. Just like all the other steps, this is pretty simple but there's also some some some dangers, some some little traps, some subtle ways to get it wrong. So the first thing is it's called a specific request because you want it to be specific. You don't want it to be a vague request. A vague request is something like, could you be more clean? Could you be nicer? Could you be more respectful? Those things are vague. They sound reasonable, but you can't measure them. You're not going to really know if someone is being nicer or more respectful. Okay, so in the previous episode we've been using a sample example of the dirty dishes in the sink. So let's let's let's use that again. Okay, so the first thing is to point out first step is to point out what's occurred. So hey, there's there's dirty dishes in the sink and then the second step is to express how you feel without you know implying someone else is responsible or bad or wrong. So hey, there's dirty dishes in the sink. I'm feeling really annoyed. And then why that that's a third step. Why do you feel how you do? I'm feeling annoyed because I value a clean kitchen. It's important to me to have a clean kitchen, especially when I'm about to cook. So then we come to this specific request. So a vague request would be, could you keep the kitchen more clean? That sounds kind of specific, but it's really not you can't really measure that. But a specific request for that example would be, would you be willing to do the dishes within the next hour? That's you're going to know if it's done or if it's not done. Or you can say, would you be willing to do the dishes within an hour of you making them on a normal basis? You know, or would you be willing to do the dishes right now? These are specific requests. You'll know if they're done or not done. Okay. Yeah, so the another example we've been using is someone's driving and it's you're feeling scared because it's kind of reckless how they're driving in your opinion. So you would say, hey, you're driving, you know, you start to point out the facts. How you're driving 20 miles over the speed limit right now? You ran that last stop sign. I'm feeling scared because my safety's important to me. All right, that's the first three steps. But not the fact, feeling why you feel the way you do. And now the specific request, would you be willing to drive the speed limit right now? Right, that's specific. You'll know that it's the speed limit. If you say, could you drive safer? That's vague because it's hard to really determine what's going on. You can't measure it. It's hard to quantify. It's debatable. You know, that's that's what you want to stay away from. You just want things. You want your requests to be very specific and clear. So another example could be say your partner is a union partner have a joint bank account. And you notice that they keep overspending. There's overdraft charges and they're not taking care of, they're not paying attention to, you know, how much money's in the account and stuff like that. And that's really bothering you. So the NVC might be, you know, you start off with the fact, hey, I noticed that we have three overdraft fees due to you spending more money than we had in our account. Right, that's a fact. I'm feeling nervous because financial stability is important to me. All right, I'm feeling nervous feeling why because financial stability is important to me. Now the request. So a vague request could be like, could you be more careful with how you spend your money? That's vague. Can't measure it hard to quantify. What did you say? Would you be willing to notify me if you're going to spend more than $100 and anything? All right, would you be willing to would you be willing to get an accountant with me? That's specific, you know, would you be willing to start telling me at the end of every night what you spent money on? All right, those are specific and measurable things. Now, what if your partner's like, no, I don't want to do that. Well, if that happens, that's okay because it's a request and not a demand. If it's a demand, when your request is denied, then you get angry. All right, if you get angry and like get mad at them and start saying harsh things, that means you weren't making a request. You were making a demand. All right, so a demand is violent. It's a threat. It's do what I'm asking or there will be trouble. And that's not what we're trying to do. Okay, we have, we make a specific request to an in an attempt to get our needs met. Not as the be all end all, you know, it's the beginning of a discussion. Maybe they say, hey, yeah, totally, I get it. Let's do that. Not a problem. But sometimes they're going to say, no, that's okay. Because it's not about, it's about getting your needs met, not the specific request met. The specific request is an attempt to get your needs met. There's usually several ways to get your needs met. That's why it's very important to uncover what your actual need is, you know. All right, so it's got to be the specific request needs to be specific. You do not want it to be a demand. Okay, your request can be refused or else it's a demand. But if it's refused, then this means you got to keep coming up with other alternatives. So the other thing about specific requests is it needs to be doable. Sometimes you request something that sounds reasonable, but it's not reasonable because no one can actually do that. It's not how life works. So say your partner has an anger, has a challenge with holding their anger. And you know, you say, hey, you just got, you know, you just raised your voice and started cussing and I'm feeling sad because peace is important to me. You know, that's the first three steps. And then you get to the specific request and you be like, could you just not lose your temper anymore? That's not achievable, you know. That's not something that someone can be like, yes, I agree to that. And then it's going to happen. It's not, that's not how life works. So don't even ask for things like that. You want to ask for things that are achievable, measurable, and specific. So in that case, you might ask, would you be willing to take an anger management class? That's, you know, that's doable, achievable, measurable, you know, would you be willing to read this specific book about, you know, anger? Would you be willing to start meditating every day? You know, these things are measurable and doable. And that's what you want from the request. Okay. And again, it's got to be a request another demand. Even if you say, please, would you please, you know, take this energy management class and they're like, that's the last thing I want to do. And you're like, God, you never, you know, you get angry and start yelling at him or whatever. Then it was a demand. We don't want to make demands. It's not about demands. It's about requests. And requests can be denied. And you just keep going until you find a solution that is, you know, a win-win. And that's another beautiful thing about nonviolent communication. It's not, it's, it's never going to be about compromising. You really do not need to compromise. If you, because what's a compromise is when like nobody gets what they really want and they only kind of get what they want. That's not the goal here. We want everybody to get what they really want. We want all their needs met. So if you feel like you're compromising or if you feel like who you're, you know, talking with this compromising, go deeper, you know, just just keep communicating, keep clarifying what the actual need is, what your need is and what their need is. And wait for it to feel really good to both of you. Usually in my experience, you can tell, you know, you can feel it in the room. When something gets resolved, the air clears. And if something's not resolved, it doesn't feel good. So even though in the words might be like, yeah, okay, let's do this. And then it just still doesn't feel good. That means someone's compromising and you're probably going to have to deal with it again. But if you just keep at it, you know, then you, you can get to the bottom of whatever the issue is without feeling like you're compromising. So sometimes, you know, you go through the first three steps and then you get to the part where you're supposed to make a specific request and you're like, dang, I don't even know what my request is. And in my experience, when that happens, it's, it's usually one or two things. One, you haven't, you don't really know what you want. You haven't really done the work or you're not really a software of what you're asking. But a lot of times it's just because you don't really have a specific request. You just want to communicate something to them, you know. And so when that happens, you don't need to, you don't need to like come up with something to fulfill NVC protocol. What you can do is just say, you know, would you be willing to repeat back what I just said to you and tell me how you know. So then if they repeat back what you said, you at least know they heard you, they understand where you're coming from and maybe that's all you want it. You just wanted to bring up, hey, when you said this comment, I felt angry because, you know, respect is really important to me. Could you just repeat back what I just told you? Like yeah. And if they do, you're like, okay, that was, that was what that was what I just wanted you to know that, you know. And sometimes that's enough. Or sometimes just like you just want to, open up a dialogue. So instead of saying, would you repeat it back to me? You say, would you tell me how that feels, how you're feeling now that you've heard me say this? And maybe that's all you really want it. So sometimes it's like that. And sometimes it's actually a specific thing that you really want them to do. But this is a really important, powerful step. It's much better when you do the first three steps instead of going right into the request, because a lot more connection will be built. And you do not want to make demands. You want to make requests. It's perfectly OK for someone to refuse any of your requests. Likewise, it's OK for you to refuse their request. But that's not where it stops. That's the beginning. The request is the beginning of your attempts to get your needs met. And you want everyone's needs met. Don't need to compromise. If you feel like you're compromising, just go deeper. And if it feels like confusing, just try to uncover what the needs are. OK? And now if you're doing NVC, you're following all the steps. You're speaking clear. You're not blaming anybody. You're taking responsibility. And it's still not working. Everything you say is creating anger in them. And they are just accusing you of this, that, and the other. Well, then it is time for emergency empathy, which is what the next episode will be about. The emergency empathy is really amazing. It's like a spiritual practice. And this is the fourth step. And I guess that will bring this episode to a close. So thanks for joining me. Yeah, you can check out my website, rdivnvc.com. And YouTube channels coming up soon, rdivnvc, rdivnvc Facebook page. And I got a workshop going on in Los Angeles this month, every Thursday, at Epiphany Space in Hollywood, 7 to 9 p.m. So thank you guys for listening. I hope this is helpful. Please email me any questions or comments about the podcast. Or you can give me scenarios that you're going through. Tell me what you want to hear about. This is all an experiment for me to see if I can provide value for people and learn this better myself. Because learning the technique is the beginning. And then staying aware and staying conscious when you're triggered is the second step. Remembering to use NVC when the opportunity comes. And sometimes it's not clean cut. Sometimes it's a little messy. It's a little murky. So you just do the best you can. And you just try to rely on the principles. And the fundamental principles are, you never blame anyone for how you feel. You never imply that someone else is bad or wrong. You just speak in facts. You keep all judgments, opinions, evaluations, diagnosis, out, you don't need them. They're not helpful. You just speak in facts, feelings, values, and requests. And when everything is failing, then you go into emergency empathy, which we'll get into on the next episode. All right. Thank you guys very much. I'm bliss.