116. Steel Beans, Dave Landau, Cactus Tate | Cringe

All right, story warriors. Before we start today's show, we have a huge announcement for the first time ever Story wars is coming to Europe, baby. Yeah, Christ. Yep. That's right Pull your uncircumcized wieners meet over the head because we're coming Pull up your leader hose and she polish off your wooden shoes Get your brand food and your stupid three-point hats and whatever else. I don't know. I don't go there Your golden suspenders Spenders lower the drawbridge over the moat and let us in Things that aren't even European Pet dragons soccer We're coming four separate cities four separate nights June 1st We're gonna be in Dublin, Ireland June 2nd in Glasgow, Scotland June 3rd in London, England, mate and June 5th in Amsterdam. That's right folks. Amsterdam. Oh, we're gonna get AIDS and drugs Look, it's gonna be the best we're bringing some of our friends from the states and we're gonna be getting some of the best comedians from Europe England the UK and all over the place to be a part of these shows the first time that we are ever doing these shows internationally And we're coming over the pond No matter where you're at go right now to our website get those tickets. Okay, travel come see us This is gonna be so much fun. These are big venues. We need you to come and we need you to bring friends for double points Yay, go to Lewisofskanks.com or bigjcomedy.com to grab your tickets today before they're gone Okay story warriors before we start today's show you should know me and big J are always on the road bringing you fun laughs and stories Right to your hometown this weekend. I will be in North Charleston, South Carolina at Whitsend Comedy Lounge October 22nd through 24th after that story wars is going to Los Angeles November 4th and 5th at the comedy store Come see story wars live right after that. Obviously we have skank fest coming up three separate story wars recordings at skank fest And you can still get single day passes So if you're anywhere near New Orleans come out and check out story wars live at skank fest go to skankfest.com for those tickets Plus after that I got Pekipsi South Bend, Indiana Grand Rapids, Michigan, Hobart and Indiana and many many more So go to my website Lewisofskanks.com to grab those tickets and you go to bigjcomedy.com for all my dates Rochester, New York comedy to Carlson happen in this weekend followed by the mother ship next weekend coming back to Austin for Brea, California on November 6th and 7th followed of course by skank Festburg, Chrysher, Cruz and then Thanksgiving weekend Friday Saturday and Sunday A rare Sunday I'll be New Brunswick at the stress factory followed by Louisville, Kentucky, Oklahoma City and so much more all-ending Right after Christmas the 26th 27th and 28th of December in Philadelphia at Helium Comedy Club Stay tuned everybody. All right, let's start the show The ladies and gentlemen it's story wars give it up for the story warriors big J. Oprah said and Lewis J, go man Yeah, I may have smashed somebody's foot on the walk over here That's cool. I noticed as we walked in the crowd was nowhere near as excited as usual Is there something on my face? What's going on here? What's happening? Yeah? Angle on your face and dumb shit head Make some fucking noise in here, please for me. Would you New York? So that 78 weeks in a row we've sold out the New York comedy club Which actually to the world record as the largest comedy club in the world, which is pretty sick It's fucking gigantic and cavernous and sold out Mostly hot chicks It's pretty fucking crazy. How many people here are familiar with the game story wars? And who is not familiar with the game story wars Hey, sorry, you're by the door. Why don't you just get the fuck out of here now? Don't you get the fuck out sir? If you're not familiar with the game, it's your first time listening at home It's a very simple game that we'll explain once we get our esteemed panel up here. Are you guys ready to meet your guests? Everybody on tonight's panel is the first time or just the first time maybe since the first two months of the show That we've had all brand new story wars competitors So someone here is going home a new story warrior very very excited if they beat me. Oh right. Oh, what? It's dick. I've won before You've gotten so good. I've gotten better gotten better our first contestant has a new album out called steal beans He's currently on the steal beans psi up tour. He is absolutely fucking awesome. His name is Jeremy. Call him steal beans Oh Hell yes, they'll be it's very happy to have you on the show. You look like you have the best coke dude Honestly the best I got the 80 shit new old stock It's been a storage unit that disco shit rub that show on your gums. You already know Our second competitor also making her story to our story wars debut You might know her from her viral social media clips, and she's currently on tour put your hands together for cactus. Hey Cactus very happy to have you on the show. I got to say very toy Very toy that's Lewis actually he's being nice He means it nice. I know he comes off like a gruff piece of shit and he is make no mistake I won't but that's his way of saying like you look lovely. I'm not but thank you Okay, she hates me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just in a bad tone Well, maybe our next contestant like you also his first time on the show He's got a new special gas digital presents 30 minutes with Dave Landau a new book called party of one available right now And his podcast stew and Dave do America and the Dave and Austin show how about it for the hilarious Dave Landau Dave it's great to have you here. This is not your fault. Hey producers. Can you not sound like fucking Apollo creed I was introducing it was so many things. Yeah, we got a narrower down. I'll take it. Yeah, I mean we plug all of it Yeah, I like every bit of it and also might I say Dave looking pretty toy. Thank you Dave I say that's a rough way. Thank you. I'm saying he thinks you look good Is that what that means and if you're willing to he would like to have sex with you I would love to make love to your butt. It's a firm. Yes Well It's your first time here your first time listening at home story awards a very simple game all five of us on this panel Have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject tonight subject Lewis cringe Fan fan submitted subject guys, please Just forget a bunch of email words shirts pants Fats fats thin fat loser pussy There was a subject way at the bottom Alex our lovely producer is gonna take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time They will appear here on the screen if it's your story You're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story If it's not your story it's your job to guess who story it is now every time you guys guess the story correctly You get two points every time you fool a person on the panel you get one point So what is your story you have an opportunity to get four points to not squander it? That's a big opportunity to pull ahead in this game I'll tell you right now it could be one story two stories in a row three stories in a row We've had all that happen. So don't just think it's gonna be just one story once the once you lock your answer right here on the tablet and Slide it over that's how you lock it in you cannot change it We don't have the technology to do that okay, we're not that advanced and I'll tell you right now you guys are gonna Have so much fun Dave cactus steel. You're gonna have so much fun But guess what we're not playing for fun. Jay. Let him know we're playing for today Every week here on story wars. We're playing for a book from the story wars library tonight's winner We'll take home a better understanding of coin flipping probability and it's relative outcome when distance is applied by Matt Fennel and Peter Portius Volume four volume four and I've read the first three volumes. So trust me. I've been waiting for volume four updated heads or tails, right? wrong A better understanding of coin flipping probability teaches us that a standard NFL style coin flip is far from 50 50 Through parody the book reveals the subtle science behind the centuries-old flip the variables that go into a toss and The various ways you can make sure the odds are always in your favor And I will say that Matt and Peter, the writers, they needed two men to write this book. Two men. They're fans of the show. They sent us this book and so they're watching right now. Matt and Peter, thank you so much for the book. You guys are the best. Yeah, by the way, I don't think you should be allowed to call it a book when it's sealed with fucking staples in the middle, like a book report. But you know what? There's a barcode on it. Well, I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. So are you guys ready for war? New York comedy club. Sold out. Largest comedy club in the world. Are you ready for war? Then without any further ado, Alexandra, please. Story number one. Story number one. My first gig after what I thought was a huge break was at a holiday in lounge. The headliner asked me to come to his room before the show to discuss times. He was a shirtless clown. I have this similar story, but he was a magician. I have a similar story, but I was the headliner who asked a girl come to my room at a holiday in lounge. I mean, look, I'll start the volume's over here. Maybe this sounds like a female story. This sounds like a man was trying to take advantage of stealing steel beads of cactus, of cactus tape. Why would you show up in the headliner to be shirtless unless you're a chick? Yeah, I don't know. That happens every time I show up. So that wouldn't stand out to me as cringe. That's normal. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just happy as pants were on. That shirt was fair. It could have been worse, you're right. I don't understand. Was he a shirtless clown? That's his act? No, I'm fucking silly goose, the shirtless clown. I think that this person was a rapist. And you can't write that on YouTube. So shirtless clown is more of an appropriate thing for the YouTube algorithm. Oh, shirtless clown, rapist. So raped in a hotel. Yeah. I think this was Dave Landel. Because I'm so rapable, according to Lewis, which I appreciate. Dave, it just seems like you've done a lot of hotel gigs. Oh, you bet. Yeah, it's one of the great things about my life. And wanted to kill myself in many as well. Yeah, that's not me, though. I don't know. I don't know if I'd call someone a clown. Well, shirtless clown, that's true. Oh, I was taking it as an actual clown. That's what I'm thinking. It was not wearing a shirt. I don't think so. And that's why I think it's you. Plus, you're looking to toy. I look what? Toit. Toit? Pretty toy. Thank you. Where are you from, Dave? I'm from Detroit. Detroit. Detroit, Detroit. Cactus, where are you from? I'm from New Mexico. New Mexico. Holiday in Lounge, as I see, is a Detroit thing. But New Mexico, like a Tulane Road, or New Mexico, in a major city. New Mexico, Tulane Road. And we're a motel six town. Oh, just a while. You bet the holiday ends where they did all the big shows. You know what, Cactus? I'll say you're a motel eight. Motel eight. You're a motel eight. Thank you. Toit, all right. I'm bomb. But a super eight. I'm very a super eight. Still being your musician. This could be early in your career before you started going viral, before these videos started coming out. This could be you getting a music gig at a holiday end. You played a lounge, right? I'm a little loud for a lounge. I played a lot of coffee houses, and they tell me to turn the drums down, which you can't actually do. That is true. Yeah. Howdy and lounge would be a lot for Steel Beans Act. It would be a Howdy in lounge is too much, I'd say. I would fucking, I would, I would complain to corporate. If I was saying at a holiday end and Steel Beans showed up, it's sort of smashing on a fucking drum. I'd be like, he's fucking great, but I have to work. Yeah. That's a good direction for me to go. I'd be drowning in gas at a holiday end. Oh, totally. Easy. Oh, my God, those pigs climbing over your drum kit. Nothing sweeter than holiday and lounge pussy. I don't think Lewis ever thought he had a huge break. This is my huge break. I'm currently on my huge break right now. Living here for huge break. Yeah, that's where you speak. Yeah. It's been a slow and steady race at the bottom. I don't remember the story with a shirtless clown. Yeah, I would have heard. I mean, I'm not taking this as literally a shirtless clown, but maybe it is. I don't know. But either way, you know, my instinct is cactus. It seems like a female story. She showed up. This guy had a shirt off. He had his clown make up on. He was ready to party. He was ready for you to play with his balloon animal. And you said, no, so I want to put my vote in for cactus state. Really? I'm going to say this was a gay shirtless clown. He missed, took Dave's masculinity, musk, masculine mustache for weakness, and he tried to get you up to his room. I don't think you did anything. And Dave, by the way, also a major drug problem back in the day. Oh, yeah. So that's the reason I don't think it's him because if he did show up in the shirtless clown was there, he might have blown him for coke. Maybe. Well, he first should ask him if he has coke. Yeah. You got to rub some of your homies to make sure it's real. I think it's Jay. He looks like he goes to, like, Juggalow things and that kind of would make sense. I do. That is fucked up because he's been at four separate gathering of the Juggalows. It looks like it. Performing, though. But yeah. Oh, my God. This is definitely Jay at the gathering of the Juggalows. Fuck. Yeah. Cactus, God damn it, you nailed it. Oh, shit, shit. I don't think they've had gatherings at holiday ends, though. This could be Louis because that's absolutely true of holiday and lounge. That's not a gathering of the Juggalows. Near holiday ends, though, probably. That makes me think it's Louis. The way Louis started pitching that fit. Oh, yeah, you're right. They don't have the gathering Juggalows at a holiday end. It's in the woods. You know that because you've been to two. I have been to two. Wait, Dave didn't lock in yet. Not neither did it steal beans. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you didn't even hit it. Oh, I didn't hit it yet. Oh, I got to touch it. You did say it was a gay clown and that leads us to think you have some insider intel on this shit, though. Maybe. But no. I mean, if I said if someone was a gay clown, I would have said gay clown for sure. Shirtless clown. I'm taking as an actual clown, but I'm starting to think it's like, this guy's a real clown. Like that kind of clown. That's how I took it initially. Fuck. That would be a girl. I got to go big J. Why do you say a big J? Juggalow. Juggalow. Fingerless gloves. Do you know what a Juggalow-ass dollar is? Yeah. Yeah. See? You know. Yeah. What they do with the gathering Juggalows, they shove dollars in their ass and throw them the ground and watch people pick them up. Is that the poop dollar? Yeah. It's a poop dollar. It's a great bit. Wow. You gotta slide it over to lock it in, Dave. Yeah. I think. Still being says Dave Landau. Why Dave Landau? I'm sorry. I just, the process of elimination of what cities have a holiday in Lounge and I'm thinking Dave. I'm sorry Dave. It's all over the place. All of our answers are in Alex. Who's story with story number one? Story number one belongs to Dave Landau. Thank you. Dave, was it an actual clown or were you calling him a shirtless clown? It was a disgruntled clown. It was his stage name. A disgruntled clown. And I had just done the first thing I did for Comedy Central and I got to the hotel in Bluefield, West Virginia. And my phone rings and he goes, "Hey, it's the clown." And I'm like, "Are you calling me a clown because I'm performing tonight?" And he's like, "No, I'm a clown." So I hung up. And the phone kept ringing and I finally, he's like, "I need you to come to my room." I'm like, "Yeah, I don't really want to go to your room. I don't know who you are." He's like, "We got to talk about show times." I'm like, "This is weird." So finally I go down to my phone and stop what ringing. He's in the back of a room shirtless. He's got ominous lighting with only one light on which is on this table and he's just smoking a cigarette and he's got like kiss makeup and a top hat and no shirt and he's got the body of Danny DeVito playing the penguin. And there's a guy on the bed smoking crack and he goes, "You want some crack?" And I'm like, "I'm good, but it's nice of you to share." And I sit there and I smoked a lot and drank at the time. He's like, "You want to have a cigarette?" I'm like, "No, I don't smoke." And he's like, "You need to get off stage tonight after five minutes. You're only allowed to do five minutes." I'm like, "Oh, fuck." And a West Virginia fucking holiday in, that's a shame. And he goes, "Because the hell's angels are going to be here tonight and I'm going to fucking be crushing." And they all know me because my brother's an angel, all right? And I was like, "Okay." So I left. No one showed up except for one guy that he shot with a squirt gun and the guy tried to beat the shit out of me. [laughter] It's a great story, Dave. You guys can take your pads down. Alex, where's our points at? We're tied for first place with two points. Each big Jay Okerson, steel beans and Dave Landau. [applause] All right, Alex, story number two. Story number two. After graduating high school, I went back to talk to the following senior class about my first year of college. My significant other was in the class, and after being asked about what I missed most about high school, I made eye contact with them and said, "They know." "You could feel everyone in the room cringey." I mean, that is pretty cringey. They know, was it a trans? No. Was it a janitor? Yeah, maybe. Well, my first year of college was community college, so nobody's having me come back to talk about community college at my high school. Still being as you go to college? I dropped out of high school like a real rock and roller, so this is obviously not me. Nice. Thanks, sir. Can I act as you go to college? I grew up in New Mexico, I didn't go to college. Dave went to college at a holiday in. Yeah, I was going to say my first year of college was my fifth year of high school, so they didn't bring. They did not invite me back. I was already there. PJ, did you do any college at all? I went to like a month or two of community college, but my school wouldn't have had me back to speak. Yeah, I was a bad student, and. Yeah, I was a bad student, but I also just went to that school. The school I graduated from, I went to for one year only. This is hilarious that you picked this story, and there's just four of us. Someone lost. I think somebody is lying about going to college. You could lie. I think still being true. Still being told me he admitted to me that he watches every episode of the show. No. I've never seen this shit at all. You making that up? I think still beans might be playing the game right now. That's a good point. I was playing the game when I told you that. I wanted to throw him off. You said there's no colleges in your hometown. You didn't say you didn't go to college. No, I didn't go to college. I dropped out in eighth grade, and I had to go do two years and nights. Fuck yeah, dude. Not everybody could have dropped out of high school on the panel. This is somebody's story. Somebody's lying in the panel. In elementary school. That's me happening in GD class. Here's the thing. I know that Jay. I didn't even know you went to a month of community college, but they're not inviting you back to speak at your school. I was a terrible student who was almost kicked out multiple times, and I went to community college my first year. Barucho? Barucho was my second year. I went to Rockland Community College. Oh, and you worked your way up there? But Landau didn't say you didn't go to college. He said his first year college was his fifth year of high school. I did go to college for a year. I was Lansing Community College for film. That's an interesting story. But he comes back, but maybe he did film stuff in high school when he came back to talk to the film. I did do film stuff in high school, not in class, but I did do film stuff in high school. No. He filmed girls in the locker room. It's not important what I did. This guy's always digging. Really a detective. You sound like the detective. I feel like this is CAC this lying, I feel like she was a fucking amazing student. She went off and they brought her back to talk to people. Yeah, I think this sounds like a girl's story to me. Who would be in touch with their high school like that? Like looking back like the teacher's meant something to them. Yeah, but still is a very, very, a really good musician. Maybe he went to music college and came back and was talking about his experience with the music class. He just told you he dropped down eighth grade like a real rock song. I'm prepared to believe him. You are. I have no training in anything. Maybe they went back to talk about all the things you shouldn't do as an example thing. Yeah, that's very. Oh, maybe, yeah. I mean, that's. But I wouldn't even get asked for that. What city are you from? I'm from Everett Washington. Everett. It's a little tiny little. Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I see, I don't even know. Oh, I thought you never watched the show. Come on. No, no, no. I just saw you doing it. Okay, got it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. I want to believe everybody. I do feel like it is you. Really? I do. No. Could be. Can you sit and drop that of the eighth grade? That's just not true. That was me. Oh, that was you. That's also not true. It is. Eighth grade? Yeah. But I know I went back. I just took like a year off. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now the story is unraveling now. Okay. We don't, you're a success story. You dropped out. You got your shit together. You came back. You graduated. You went to college. You came back. Talk everybody goes, just because you're a piece of shit in eighth grade, doesn't mean you can't turn it around as long as you're half Indian. I'm Mexican. Damn. I don't come from college money and there's no community college money. What is college like? You good? It's looking like everyone's gone to college here in some weird capacity except for us. Yeah. You did no college at all cactus. No. She's touching her face, by the way. You see that? That's a sign of English. I think I'd still be in college. Oh. You're 26 years old? If you wanted to be a lady doctor, I'm not, you know what? This is unpopular because it doesn't happen all the time if you're playing a numbers game but it happens sometimes. I think it might be Dave Landau yet again. It could be Dave Landau again. He's a great storyteller. Maybe they were like, come back, come tell your stories Dave. You did it. You got to college. That is some confidence right there. Yeah. Yeah. I did. I'm going with my instinct. Still being Jeremy. I feel like he was too quick to say you dropped out of high school and you just, you have the vibe of somebody who's gone to college. Did you lock me in? I'm lucky. Well, yeah. I went. Good. I went to truancy court. I literally had to sit in front of a guy and like say no, I'm really going to school. I was kicked out of five high schools in the city. There was no high schools left. I was kicked out of high school last week. Sick. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's the parking lot though. Yeah. That's court ordered. That's hilarious. My mom went to jail over me not going to school. Really? Yeah. That's fucking the most Mexican thing I've ever heard of. They came and got your mom. They came and got my mom. What am I? Who? She doesn't like to learn. Yeah. Yeah. She is living her, she is living her living in a loa. God damn it. Is it Dave Landon? Why is it so hard? It's the whole, it's one of the hardest ones I've ever done. Lewis, if you came back and you gave a fucking high school speech to your fucking high school girlfriend and her friends, get locked in. I'm not locking it. But Dave Landau. I think it could be Dave. I'm just going with my instinct. I'm going to go with still beans, which was my original instinct. I'm locked in. I'm going Dave Landau. Thank you, right. All right. I think still watching the show. He knows how to play the game. Hmm. I'm not a liar though. I got to go with Jeremy. Really? Still beans. Yeah. I think it's you. What college you go to? Lansing community. Oh, she gets really excited about being around a scholar. Yeah. She knew true and she'd hoarding everything right away. I don't know. She's seen, I don't know. I think Jeremy. I'm fucked up. I hate to be the last guy, but I am torn. I want to say it's you immediately, no matter what. Yes. You do look like you speak at high school. He would. He'd love to. I mean, if you know anything about me, you know that there's no way they were inviting me back to speak it in my high school. He went back to speak. He went back to yell at his high school girlfriends, a new boyfriend that was in there. Yeah. That's true. He's screaming in the hallway. How's my dick taste pussy? Tell me. Sure. Are you on the docket for today? No. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing about an auditorium. You are a good student though, relatively. No. But I was a good kid. That is nothing to do with any of this, though, really. Jay was a wigger. Nobody's inviting a wigger back to the high school that's big. I just didn't make any kind of a dent in school where they would have thought to bring me. You know what I mean? And I went there for a year only. I was also a wigger, so they weren't. Were you a wigger? I was a wigger, yeah. Wow. I grew out of it. No. From what the hell is that mean? What the fuck does that mean? I'm a father. [laughter] I grew out of it. [laughter] Jay, by the way, you went from wigger to like rock and roll comedian to now like boys to men's style wigger. What? What are you talking about, dude? [laughter] What happened to you? The slice is in the eyebrow. The eyes are-- You told me to get the eyebrow slice. You fucking said you suggested it. It was cool. I did as a joke and it ended up being all right. I don't mind it. I think it looks cool. It makes me look cool with my fucking Dominican barbershop when I walk in. I go. He's like, you want the line? I go, you know I want the line. [laughter] The second you walk in, they're like, this is the guy. Still being so on to you, my friend. I love, dude. I'm thinking it's you or Dave. Let me read that coin toss book real quick. Check this shit out. [laughter] Uh. Fuck. [applause] All right. Good. That was good. Ah. I'll go. I'm gonna go, Dave. I'm sorry. I agree. Go. If it's Dave, I'm going to be so pissed, my bitch. All of our answers are on Alex, who's story was story number two. Story number two belongs to Lewis James Gooney, fucker! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yes indeed. So I did go to Rock and Community College and they had a thing where we could sign up and come and speak at the school again and I was like, "I'll come and talk about Rock." It was like a joke. I was like, "I'll talk about my first experience at Community College." And then it was specifically, it wasn't an auditorium. It was in my ex-girlfriend high school's classroom. And like, and not only did I say it once, I didn't think that she heard me say it. So I stopped myself and I was like, "What do you miss most about high school?" And I was like, "She knows." And I just felt everyone go like, "Oh," and then she looked down like this. I had a fuck that I didn't know this was you, dude. You're a guy I've actively had to say when we've been at dinner or something and you like wink at the girl you're with her every time. Like, while I'm talking to you and I go, "You just fucking wink while I'm talking to you." And he goes, "Why? Why? She's got to know. She knows." I had a fuck that I didn't know this was you, dude. That was sitting right there for me. Dude, we even were talking about it was you coming back to see your girlfriend. And I had a feeling that was real. I just didn't think you went to college. No, just yeah, I went to one year of Rockland Community College. Nothing about me thought that Louis would have asked to come back to see you. They didn't ask me how I saw her because you needed to go see your girlfriend. I needed to see you. You wanted everybody in the class to know she had somebody. She knows. Keep that in mind if you guys try to fingerblaster. Anyway, college is pretty chill. You don't have to go if you don't want to. Dude, describe me with a community. You could go or not go as long as you show up for the test. I don't give a fuck. It means nothing. It's really just trying to keep your parents not angry at you. Alex, where are points at? Tied for second place with two points. Each big J. Ogerson's steel beans and Dave Landau. And in first place with four points, Louis J. Gomez. It's a good round. Great round. It's a good round for you. Alex. Story number three. Story number three. Once stirring a hook up, we were dry-humping. And when we were done, we noticed there was a skid mark on the bed. Who doesn't have this story? It wasn't really dry-humping, you know? Yeah, how's that dry-humping? Yeah, it's not dry. It seems pretty wet to me. Well, I mean, just-- I thought dry-humpings-- like, clothes. Maybe the girl was wearing a shirt. She'd write through her fucking pants. [LAUGHTER] This is-- this one's hard to figure out here. I am confused, though, is it just to ask out dry-humping? Like, doesn't it have to be through jeans? That's what I'm saying. Dry-humping always implied clothes on, I guess. I've never done-- I've never just gotten naked and fucking-- bumped fucking laps together. I don't get it, you know? I've never been like, let's kiss, but I'm going to just keep my ass out if that's all right. If you don't mind my wiener being out for this make-out, such that'd be fantastic. I did hook up with a girl in high school, and then when I took her panties off, she had skin marks in her underwear. It was ridiculous. What? Rancid. How? I don't know. Who walks away when there's still stuff there? Well, at least you know you're getting a yes. Oh, can I tell you right now? I know it's not J, because J-- and don't ask me how I know this, but I know this. J has a two-knuckle-deep, clean asshole at all times. You look like the kind of guy that shapes his asshole. Nope. No? I don't shave it at all. He shaves a line into it. I excessively-- I excessively wipe. But however, now I have bidet life, and I just found out by accident, I've always just pushed one button on my bidet that seems to be on the button. It's a picture of a butt cheeks and water going. Oh, you're doing the pussy bidet? I'm doing-- I didn't realize this for a year and a half. I've been giving myself every day, and now I'm addicted. It's the enema button. So not only am I clean, like I used to be when I used to wipe excessively, now I would say, but you know those long ice pops? Pull one of those up my ass and pull it out and eat it. I promise you you will not be sick. Is the enema-- You could put a full hot dog in my ass, pull it out. Before I get in the shower, I just go enema, and I shit tomorrow shit today. Dude, you've honestly lost weight. It's from it. Absolutely. I mean, that in Manjaro, but mostly enema. Yeah. Still being your dirty-ass musician. That is the truth. Clean, I know a lot of musicians. These are fucking guys. They don't need to wash, because it's hot. Be musicians are hot. Women don't give a shit. Musicians will fart in the girl's face and laugh. Gross is kind of cool, almost. Yes, they stink a little. Oh, he's so gross. He feels very Washington. No, I got to be honest with you here. I shaved my asshole, and it's cleaner than the plates at Denys. The plates at Denys aren't that clean. Well, it's a franchise, you know, but like a cleaner one. They're not bad. I never felt Denys would be-- My actual shit is cleaner than the plates at Denys. All right, you know, the quality of the Denys varies, you know? Yeah, I bet a Washington state Denys is pretty nice. You know, why am I heroin in the bathroom? I mean, I can't imagine it's nice. Sure. I do have a super clean ass. It's like one of my claims to fame, so absolutely. Yes, I would also say that if I was shitting skin parts. Well, let me say something about Lewis. Lewis was a dirt ball for Lewis. He wasn't a rock star, but he lived life like he was. Yeah. What he was was selling tickets on the street, but he would find confused young women. And he would bring them back to his weird apartments and probably pinch a shitty ass on his own sheets while he's fucking dry-humping her. Can I say right now, there's been plenty of skin marks on my sheets. Maybe it wasn't from the hookup. We noticed that after we hooked up, like, oh, yeah, that was from last week. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't wash my ass. I didn't wash my sheets. I would wash my sheets when I was in my 20s. Maybe twice a year at the most. I would wash them off. I would throw them out and get new sheets. Yeah, yeah. I'm cool. It's true. No, it's just true. We never washed our sheets. I mean, especially if this is high school, oh my God. It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, your pillowcase is by the way, you're supposed to wash them like three times a week or whatever. Yeah, no, this isn't high school. This is a vagrant young person. This is a young person. Yeah, this is a grotesque piece of shit who just hooks up with reckless abandon. 'Cause I would. That's why I think it's cactus tape. I could be-- No, I never had a camera. I think it's got to be. 'Cause it's only open-- No, it sounds like Lewis. No, it sounds like Lewis, right? Well, he's not going to be that embarrassed with Skidmar. Oh, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, the crit now. I don't know. I would be. I'd be pretty fucking more than five. I left the girl left the Skidmar. That's what I mean. Oh, it could be-- That's my assumption is that no one knows where the Skidmar could be. The guy could be the girl. Yeah. And Lewis is hooked up with the homeless before. Literally twice. A few times more than a lot of us. One time more than me. I would say I'm getting a chick story vibe on this one because this would be something that's like, oh my God, I'm cringing. This wouldn't even be something that I would remember in my life. What? But I don't understand the dry-humping part. Like, where the-- I don't-- It's misleading. I guess they got naked and fucking smash bodies. Why would you just get in at that point? If you're naked, I assume you're fucking. That's what's strange about it to me. The dry-humping is such a-- That is the unique thing. It's got to be a high school thing, though. That's what I'm saying if it's a young person, you're not going to be like, let's just rub hearts. Well, it's just people who maybe think they're too young to have sex. Now, I assume cactus being a Mexican was already in a boil at this point, so she's out, my mind. No indication of who's bad where it was. This could be a hotel. This could be fucking. Who knows? Nothing says who's what, you know. Because I'm throwing a fucking Hail Mary here, and I'm going with steel beans. Jeremy, I think this is some gross animal you hooked up with as a younger man. Most of my life on a mattress on the floor with no sheets, much like Lewis, so that kind, you know, would-- That's enough. Skip on the bed, on the sheets. Now, I have a mattress cover. Save us a lot of trouble. Yes, is it you? You know what a mattress cover won't protect the mattress from? Tears. Ooh, cactus tape says me. Why me? Cactus? You-- yeah. It's good choice. I'm playing the odds. I'm playing the odds that it's not two in a row on Lewis, because I think-- I did think Lewis. James, never do that. That's not-- yeah, if you would have read the book, you would know that that's not how odds work. Well, I'm trying to win it. - Yeah, I think I'm agreeing with you, Jay. I think this is Steel Beans. - You fuck. - It is not. - This is a musician with story. You know, you hooked up with some girl. She was wearing a skirt. She shittered pants while you fucked her. So good. (laughing) - You fucked her so hard, she shit. - I'm only been in relationships. That's the, - I need to break into a barrist of shit. - Yeah. - Look. - I don't think it's a hook up though. This is a hook up. - I don't think it's you, but also no man would mention dry-humping. We can't brag about that. That's not cool. - It does seem like, I will give you that. - But it's a cringe story. - It's a very gay thing to like. - But the story is supposed to be cringe, so. It is cringe. If the guy does this. - I'm second guess of himself. - Dave Landau, what do you say? You motherfucker. (laughing) - I know. - Really good at this game. I think it's either you or her. - Yeah. - He's not wrong. - I gotta go cactus. - All right, cactus tape, motherfucker cactus tape. You went with steel beans, man. - I would still, yeah. - Oh. - Steel beans. - Waiting to put his answer in. This might be a lot of acting. If it's him he's, - If he had a tin, that would be crazy. - And heavy metal air solo. I love that. - I'm so lost on this one. These are good stories, honestly. - What? (laughing) - Oh. (laughing) - I feel good. I feel good with my choice. - Do you think he's acting right now? I think he's acting. - You guys are fucking acting. - 100%. - Could be. - Oh, this could be Jay, fuck. I just realized this could easily be Jay. Jay is hooked up with some fucking slabs. Like actual real fucks. - These are facts. (laughing) - But none of those girls have ever left shit behind nor have I ever left. We've already learned. I would never leave shit behind. I was imagining you being you, but I'd realized that. - Currently right now, Lewis, if I stayed at your house, I would say come in while I'm asleep and take your sheets and finger them into my asshole, like a magician's hacker chiff. And then in the morning, when James wakes up and we can make him breakfast, we'll do it together. You pull the things out over and then different sheets just keep coming to my ass. I'll tell you, none of those sheets will have skid marks. Thank you, and I'm a butt. (cheering and applause) - Yeah, but it's not so much about your asshole. It's about the slabs that you've hooked up with. - Oh, yes, maybe. (laughing) Some of them may have had a shitty ass. I've smelled the sour when I've gone down there before, for sure. Yeah, the sour of the day. - Still beans, we gotta get your answer in my brain. - It's either you or you. And I'm gonna go you and I'm sorry, don't hate me. - Yes, he might be right. - Two votes for Cactus Tate. Whose story was story number three? Story number three belongs to Cactus Tate. (cheering and applause) - Cactus, I think I speak for everyone when I say ill. (laughing) - Oh, the story's way worse. - Oh, boy. - I was in high school, I had a boyfriend at the time who straddled me naked, okay? And he was humping my stomach. And not only did he leave shit streaks on the bed, I had a fucking shit streak from my top of my vagina to my navels. - Was he a handicapped boy who didn't know how to wipe? - I think he was gay, but the. - Oh, he got fucked recently. They can't tell when it's coming out. Yeah, it's not his fault. I'm not gonna blame him for that, it's your fault. - It's not even the dry humping that made me think it was gay. It's that he cleaned it up after. A straight guy would have threw his sock at me and told me to get the fuck out. - Yeah, that's how I would treat you. Why'd you make me show your stomach, you idiot? - Yeah, blame to me. - This wasn't a clown at a holiday inn, was it? (laughing) - Could have been. - Wow, that is wretched. - It was bad. - That story is making me feel bad, it's like. - One night stand. - I feel exactly how I feel. - No, I'm in a relationship, I was like 16. - That story made me feel exactly how I feel when I watch an episode of Black Mirror. Like I'm uncomfortable and I'm sad now. - Yeah. - Is this what the future is? (laughing) - Is the guy still alive? - Yeah, but we don't talk anymore. - Okay, yeah. - Ever since you're showing your stomach? - Ever since you showed my stomach? - Yeah, that was the line. - It's gotta be weird, Princess. - Okay, Princess. - Yeah. - All right, Princess, I guess we know where the line draws with you. - I hope you watch. - I hope you watch. - Don't show your stomach, dude, if you wanna hang out afterwards. - I hope you watch this, I really do. - Me too. Call me. (laughing) - Alex, where are our points at? Three stories down. - All right, tied for fourth place with two points each. Big J. Ogerson and Cactus Tate. (cheering) - Cactus Tate on the board, caught up with me who has had the same points as the first fucking round. - And tied for first place with four points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Steel Beans and Dave Landau. (cheering) - Oh my God, I can feel this thing slipping out of my hands. Do you guys know that a better understanding of coin flipping probability and its relative outcome when distance is applied or a better understanding of coin flipping for short? Takes one of the simplest acts of chance, flipping a coin, and dares to dive deeper. The book stretches the 50/50 coin toss wide open into an exploration of physics, probability, and overthinking. (clapping) All right, let's take a quick moment. I thank Brunt for supporting the show. Cold weather is hitting, he gotta have the right gear and Brunt is the right gear. Brunt workwear built for real trades been on job sites in the toughest conditions. I'm not a blue collar guy. I just like looking good and I like feeling good as well. The Brunt work boots are the most comfortable boots I've ever had in my entire life. I bought them for my son. I own two pairs as well. This is gonna be a go-to gift this holiday season for people in my life because I know we're supposed to say this. I shit you not. I absolutely love my Brunt gear. - Do not shit me. I know that for sure. And I'll tell you what, I, of course, use Brunt workwear for a lot of rugged stuff I'm doing. I'm out there guarding it. I'm breaking up siding. I'm fucking solving stuff. I'm using tools. Lewis, you're the construction worker in your short shorts, Brunt workwares, and tied up tank top in a local YMCA cover band. And they work for both because you have to dance around all night like a little twirly bird and it does your feet aren't hurting at all. - Look, they're not just about boots. They also make high-performance work clothing like the chevel and hoodie which I love as well. You see me wearing it all the time. Built to keep out the cold, repelling water, mud and oil. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. If that's your life, look up bless you. You're repelling a bunch of oil. - Oh my clothes are getting ruined with this oil. - Brunt was tired of workwear brands out there cutting corners so they made a better, better product. You work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots and workwear that doesn't hold up. So Brunt built something better, workwear that's insanely comfortable and built for any job site. And for a limited time story warriors get $10 off at Brunt when you use the code warswaz at checkout. Once again, that's wars with a z at bruntworkwear.com. That's the website bruntworkwear.com. Use that code wars and you're good to go. - Hey story warriors, let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors for the show today and that is GLD. 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This is basically free money again Download the app today and use the code wars with the ZWA ARZ to get one hundred and fifty dollars instantly in line-ups If you win your first five dollar line-up price picks run your game. All right. Where were we Alex story number four story number four I wore a karate uniform top as a shirt to school ones Well, if I mean I'm throwing a dart right away. I'm gonna go steal beans on this one. I Mean it's not me, but it's also me. Yeah, you would have won a karate top to school This could be a little now as again could be Lewis again. I'm thinking it could be my first thought was Lewis But Lewis got in a karate as an adult. Yeah, that's Lewis got a garage 20 years after everybody else. Yeah, I did do karate as a kid it went to three classes And that was that and do it three different like for years or three classes total classes over in the first like month And then I was like that sucks. I can count to ten in Chinese though. Ooh, go on each knee Sun Qi Go rook shut the fuck up. It's Japanese. It's not Japanese Chinese. I've been saying it's Chinese for 44 years in my life Each knee Sun Qi go rook such hutch koo-joo That's definitely Japanese That's definitely Japanese. It may or not. He might just wanted to say Jew. God damn it. Lewis. That's Japanese you dumb chink Is that Japanese or Chinese You fucking virgins Holy shit, you guys are dorks. I was testing you obviously was Japanese. I just want to see who the losers were in the room. Yeah, loser check Jew is ten in Japanese That's what I The highest number in Japan Yes, I'll be it's you you do have karate uniform energy. I could be honest with you You look like you would teach karate in like an after-school program. You wearing the bottom half of one right now Yeah, just maybe you know why not just fucking rock a fucking karate uniform You could pull it off though. I don't know if it would be cringey. Thank you Yeah, I did I wore a lot of weird shit to school But never a karate uniform and I went to two three classes as well like kindergarten or whatever was free back then Yeah, I went to I went to a Jewish community center karate But they did you want to do karate with the ten karate? Yeah Yeah, you karate. That's crazy. They didn't There was no uniforms, but yeah, I didn't learn karate well and the board that you had to break was fake It was actually a Palestinian child. Yeah kick it. No, it was like a it was like a plastic board that had like a puzzle thing in the middle of it like puzzle piece connector, so you could just like easily but it was so weird But yeah, I didn't go keep going back and I went to a keto once because Steven Segal. Yeah Amen I'm still still just admitted that he wear wore weird shit. That's my centric like musician shit I think I'm overthinking this one. Yeah, there's a still piece. Were you a fat kid? Oh, yeah? Might not be you. You think he gained a bunch of weight as an adult that'd be crazy. I was a fat or adult Then kid it turns out when you look back in hindsight, but I thought I was very fat But I was fat. I was for sure in the neighborhood One of the fact kids maybe it's because you quit karate I just would have fucking show some discipline Yeah, I mean I'm getting I'm getting still beans vibes still. How's this not you? It's crazy. It's not. I know it really it seems like it would be but no Did you do karate? I did do karate every guy did a little karate cactus No, did you do karate top? No, no, she did soccer Every Mexican does soccer Lewis. Sorry cactus So Lewis was this one of the white shirts or black karate's that you were I wore I wore a white And I was I was the karate kid one year for Halloween and my bully Nick Giacoli threw an egg at me while I was wearing the car so I had a walk around with a yellow stain on my karate uniform All Halloween the karate uniform at one point because I I started dating a girl That's my story of a girl microwaving my sunglasses, which you've heard before. Yeah, we met at a Halloween party I was wearing a full karate uniform And a spike bracelet and sunglasses she took and then later microwaved. Yeah Then she called me fat for everybody And you couldn't do anything because you didn't know karate Yeah, and then if anything I would never wear that karate outfit again So no one was like that's the karate fat kid from the party that got dumped What's funny is I had a white belt, but when you're when you're the karate kid for Halloween You have to make a black belt so I just found like a a black headband I didn't have an actual black belt. I think I just wore the white belt they give you. Yeah All right, well, did you do karate at all me? Yeah. Oh, no. I didn't play any sports Karate's not sports. It's a way of life Also, you can buy a karate uniform at the thrift store. Can you? Hell yeah, how do you know that? Steel beans you can also make trophies Just make. Oh, you get order you mean order Yeah, which is a great idea. I have one that says Dave high kick land out. That's a karate Several trophies in my house that I did not earn or deserve you just bought. Yeah, and I just had made how much karate Did you go to when you were young or was there a lot of karate in your life probably two classes? Yeah, we all want to get the trophy Can you count to ten and the sure it's all a handful of classes. Can I count to to ten in Japanese? Yeah, just like you just did Jingjing Bing bang ding dang Booh. It's too young Jew Some of some some of some of some of some of you know. Bing dang ding ding ding. Jingjing Booh. Jew All right, I'm walking in you two times you I'm walking in Jeremy steel beans. Yeah He looks uncomfortable. He's way more confident with the other stories when they weren't him and he looks like right now He looks like he's very nervous Yeah, but doesn't he look brave enough to like still wear a karate shirt? That is true. That wouldn't be great That's actually the best point But he might be aware of the cringe of it and now embrace the idea of like now people will be uncomfortable and I like that Yeah again, I don't know. I don't think so I'm thinking it's you or Lewis You've said that every story Fuck it's yeah, no he got to use the only one who got tacked this last story. He's got an embroidered karate shirt. It's true. You bet I do God damn right. He's thinking about bringing it back out now Now what I think about it. It's pretty fucking cool. Yeah, I thought they they was one of my first thoughts Yeah, that wasn't a cringe moment. That's just how I fucking dressed Lewis, it's possibly Lewis Thank I just went with the fucking snappiest dresser. Yeah, I'm gonna go Dave Cactus Tates is Dave Landau. Why Dave cactus? He just he's quiet and he looks like he wear a karate shirt to school for sure That's fair I probably did once I got it I got to go Yeah, someone's cleaning up. I got to go Jeremy. Is it all over the place? Well Three votes for Jeremy who thought yeah, it's going against my gut though That's not me guys. I hate to break it to you Oh shit if that's true. It's Dave kind of believe him It's gonna be Lewis again, isn't it? Yeah, it could be Lewis, but yeah, but I just feel like a cringe story like how many of you done where this would be cringey to you this this wouldn't be cringey to me like both of you are scumbags like I can't imagine I wore I wore I wore a A raider shirt, you know the ones with the holes in it, but it was a belly shirt. I wore that to school That's cringe. That is cringe. Yeah, really? I got it from like my first grade teacher had a bin of prizes if you were like the student of the week And one of the prizes was dressing a hot cheerleader for a boy I dressed like a male cheerleader I also like I read your book. I can't imagine you trying to like dodge piles of dog shit in your home and then getting embarrassed about a karate shirt This would be nothing to me. Yeah, I'm gonna. I got a good Dave Still being supposed for Dave Lanyl all of our answers are in four stories down Alex. Who's story of story number four? story number four Belongs to fuck big. What you guys got to know is when it's Jay And he gets all the points he always gives me a little take I think I'll have my butt under the table. So as soon as I feel that tickle of, ah, fuck. (audience laughing) - Yeah, boy. - This is such a fat kid story that he thought it was cool. That's why it's cringe. He's a fat kid who's like, dude, I know what's gonna be cool today. I'll wear my karate uniform. - No, there's one reason I knew it was cool was because for the final act of the non-award-winning film Roadhouse, Patrick Swayze wore a Karate Guy folded over, tucked into his jeans. It looked so cool on him. (audience laughing) So I go, well, I should probably head to school in that fucking outfit. I got this Karate Guy from Jewish Karate. (audience cheering) And then I did wear it. And here's what never happened to Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. Every move I made with my body, it would come a little untucked and open. And then you just see my gut start and my tits end. (audience laughing) And I just look a little fucking weird, like a little fucking pudge, you know thing, and everyone laughed at me. - How old were you? - Two old. (audience laughing) 12, 13, when it hurts, when everyone's laughing at you, 'cause your tits are showing from the side. (audience laughing) Not only just your tithy, also thought you were a faggot for the Karate uniform. - Of course, why is he wearing Karate uniform? I go, in case. (audience laughing) - So this was like well after Roadhouse, it'd been out for some time. - I saw Roadhouse and it was a revelation. (audience laughing) - Well, I was resigned and I'll conduct my life like that. Just keep things cool, but let people know 'cause I'm wearing a Karate gear. Don't start the problem, and there won't be a problem. - Jay, I had a similar thing, and if you read my book, you'll know this. I saw Tong Po, and I was a kickboxer, right? And he had that long breath in the back, but I was like, that's so cool. I was like, and I used to have long hair, and I'm half, I'm Puerto Rican, but it's Afro Latino, so my dad had very like nappy hair. So I like poofy hair in like the sixth grade. So my mom was in a hairdressant school, and I was like, "Mom, I want to do that, but instead of with braid in the back, I want to have a braid right here that comes down." (audience laughing) Like a long braid. And in my mind, I was gonna grow long enough that I'd attach a blade to it, and I could fucking whip people with it. - Hi, I'm Lewis Flying Key, a teen Gomez. (audience laughing) So, but my hair, like, unless I jelled it down, it would kinda like be poofy. - Yeah, fuck dogs, hey, I got poofy ass. - My mom shaved everything except for a little poof right here, and then told me the clown. (audience laughing) - It's actually more like, it's like a men-on film hat. - Yeah, dude, and I went to school with a poof on the corner of my head like this, and this kid Paul Tumonti was like, "Your hair is fucking gay," and everyone laughed at me. He was like, "I started punching Paul in the face." - That wasn't fair to Paul. - I guess, no, he was 100% right. - He was just pointing out the simple facts that your hair was gay. But yeah, dude, we had a very similar thing. This was my boyfriend, Tanturky. (audience laughing) Alex, where's our points at? - In the-- - DJ cleaning up. - In last place, with two points, cactus taed. (audience applauding) - Tied for second place, with four points each, Louis J. Gomez, Steel Beans, and Dave Landau. (audience applauding) And in first place, with six points, Big J. Oakerson. (audience applauding) - Is it one of the nights? - Is it one of the nights? (audience applauding) - We are halfway through the show. We're gonna do some quick plugs with our guests real quick. Dave Landau, brand new special on guest. Is there something else you plug in, my friend? - Oh, I just go to Dave Landau.com. I got a bunch of tour dates on there and check out my book, "Party of One of Fuzzy Memoir." - Hell yeah. Dave Landau. (audience applauding) - Cactus tape. - Actively on tour all over North America, you can go to punchuplive.com/cactus tape. Thank you. (audience applauding) - Steel Beans. - You can see me this Saturday at the Sultan Room, September 19th, and then I'll be on to Atlanta, New Orleans, Texas, Sub the Coast. Steelbeans.com @StealBeansInstagram. Don't go, it sucks. - Oh, go. - So good. - So good. (audience applauding) - Big J. - Big J.com.com for all my dates. Look for a city near you, it never ends. I am going straight through for the next probably six months at least, so every weekend, look for a city near you. And of course, listen to the bonfire, five days a week, Faction Talk Series 6M10137, with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show over here, cast Digital Legion of Motherfuckin' Scakes. (audience applauding) Story Wars hit in the road too. - Story Wars hit in the road. We're going to Los Angeles and Austin, Texas. Austin, Texas, right at the end of October. Los Angeles, the beginning of November, right before Skankfest, we're doing three story wars live. It's Skankfest. You guys want you to get individual day passes to come to Skankfest November 13th through 15th. And watch Story Wars one of the days, we'll be there all three days, doing lots of fun shows. Make sure you go to my website, LewisofSkanks.com, to get tickets for all of my tour dates. And by my book, knives and spoons, thank you, Dave Landau, for supporting Big J. Big J featured in the book, never read it. (audience applauding) And if you love the show, you should know we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show. There was a bunch of words we had to bleep out on tonight's show already. Guess what? You could hear that at castiginal.com. - What I call you a chink? - Yes, that's the one. (audience laughing) I said, "Fag it, that was another bleep." - Oh, that's mostly you then. - Yeah, a lot of it. A lot of it, a lot of stuff we can't say on YouTube. So make sure you go to gastiginal.com. We also do a pre-release in all the episodes. There's an amazing racist live chat. So if you want to say other words that you can't say on YouTube, say I'm in the racist live chat at gastiginal.com. Use the promo code wars, save a couple bucks a month, support the show directly. And yeah, let's get back to the show. Well, this is actually a pretty fun one you guys are at because this is anybody's game. We know that, it doesn't matter how far back you are. (audience applauding) Because over here at Story Wars, you guys are all first timers. But you guys out there know we go double points. (audience cheering) It is a very simple concept before if you fold somebody you got one point and if you guess somebody correctly, you got two points. That now just jumps forward to double points. (audience cheering) Hey, woman in the back in the glasses. Mess, mess, mess. What's your problem with double points? (audience cheering) Hey, all right, I noticed over here, this lady over here just has a whole attitude and she doesn't give a shit about double points. (audience cheering) Who's this fucking prick? Think she doesn't have to give a fuck about double point? (audience cheering) Now we're fucking partying. Now we're cooking with double points. (audience cheering) Thank you, roots. We're putting them to work tonight. Sorry, Questlove, I know your lower half hurts. (audience laughing) Alex, story number five. - Story number five. I once went into a plasma center on a sunny day and hours later I came out to a completely stormy black day. I proclaimed to my friend, it sure got black out here. And as I said that, a large group of black guys came around the corner in front of us. (audience laughing) - Okay, plasma center, it has to be a woman. They do like weird vampire injections to their face to say youthful and young, a plasma center is crazy. - Isn't that where you donate to get money? - Yeah, that's what I was thinking more. - Plus, once you just assume it outside of that, there'd be black people everywhere. (audience laughing) I mean, not an erasous way, but if we're being honest. (audience laughing) If they're not in the parts of cities that are usually white, is that where you donate blood to plasma center? - Well, you donate plasma. - You donate plasma, yeah. - What the fuck is that, a television? What is that? - It's in your blood. - It's where you put your-- - Donating televisions, okay. - Plasma screen TVs are at a date anyway, it doesn't matter. (audience laughing) - Wait a minute, cactus is dead, you showed up. Cactus is dead, nice to see you over there. - Oh, fucking Lou Beggah. - I thought you were serious, I haven't seen him in years. (audience laughing) - Lou Beggah, dude. - A little bit of cactus in my life. - A little bit. (audience laughing) - Okay, plasma, who's donating blood or plasma? Is it blood, is plasma a part of blood? - Lou, it's not gonna start things as you, if you keep goofballin' around like it's all the time. Once, like one time, just once being like, it's only happened, like they would never happen a second. - It does seem like an East Coast thing, you-- - Black guys? - Yeah, sorta. (audience laughing) - The ones that was surrounded outside of a plasma center, -That's his coast, all right. -You just don't see that many in Seattle. A lot of grunge there. [ Laughter ] Landau, I mean, you used to have a drug problem. -I did. -You used to have some real issues. Landau seems like such a straight-laced nice guy. You start hearing his stories, and he lived a fucking depraved life. This is a person who has not made the best choice. If you're donating blood in your life, you have problems. You're not a good person. Stop pretending that. Unless it's for, like, American Red Cross, and they send you a letter saying they can't use it because they were shit in your system. [ Laughter ] This does feel Dave Landau. I went to a blood drive in high school, and I donated blood, and I hated it. -Oh. -They give you a cookie. -Yeah, they did. I like that part. -Yeah, that part's pretty good. -That part's pretty good. -I just go for the cookies. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah, it's a lot of money. -Just give me free cookies. This feels Dave Landau to me. I wouldn't be surprised if I was in Detroit if I saw black guys while I said it sure is black outside. -Right. And outside of a plasma center, because you have a drug problem. -Yeah. -Was it that kind of drug problem? Or just like, you were just doing too much? Or were you like. -I was doing a bit of everything. -My life's fucked up. -Well, at one point, yeah. -All right. You did it for money. -It's a good time to sell some plasma, for sure. -Yeah, I would sell anything, really. It had plasma TV, bone plat, whatever. -It doesn't seem like a very, like, ever-at-washington seems like if you needed, like, drug money, you would, like, sell wood, moss. But there. But also, it's a big heroin area, so a lot of people will donate plasma. -Out in Pacific Northwest. -Yeah, a big heroin area. -Hair one, not really a black thing, though. -It's not. Not since the '70s. -So shocked to see them. -It would, you probably. You thought you were comfortable to say whatever you want, and then you're like, "Oh, my God, this surprising large group of black guys." -Yeah. Which would be more likely in Detroit. -Yeah. -Yeah. -You're surprised, and it's in Washington, 'cause you've only seen, like, a couple of black guys. -You think you're free to say whatever kind of black shit you want, because there's never black guys. -I never would have walked through Detroit going. It's sure it's black out today, you know? -That's true. -No, dude. That's not the word you would have used. You are the co-host of the Anthony Cooom here, a show at one point. -When you walk out of a church basement battle rap, maybe that's what you say. Yeah. -I mean, one of your stories has to go on here. -Sure it was black in there. -Yeah, that's true. Anthony would just say, "We got a rap of the show. It's getting n-word out." -Yeah, this is another thing. Like, you're cringing. If this is cringy, like, for me, this would just be a funny story, a hilarious story. Big J wouldn't. This wouldn't resonate as like, "Oh, my God, I cringe saying that." A woman would cringe saying that. You would feel bad. You would feel uncomfortable. Seal beans. You're a nice guy. You know, you're a musician. You probably play with a lot of, you know, storm clouds, as they say. -It is black every day, though, in Seattle. -Yeah, it's always rainy. -But that's what happens. It just. -It's always black out there. -I'm so low, but I've never done anything like that. I always work construction. I always had a job for at least three months at a time. -Yeah, selling plasma is, like, that's rock bottom, which is drugs, or a woman who doesn't want to work. [ Laughter ] It's a, it's a, it's a. It's Dave, or a lazy fucking Mexican. [ Laughter ] -That's true. -That's true. I do not want to work, but I stripped copper before I helped people so. -You're a fuck, yeah. [ Laughter ] I respect it. -I respect that, too. -It might be gagged as. I switched. I'm going for it. I feel good. I'm throwing a dart. Gagged as tape. -I'm stuck between you and you. 'Cause you're, like, black adjacent, so you wouldn't care. -No, you think that. -The fuck does that mean? That's not even sort of true. Louis, there is the most white supremacist of anyone I've ever met in my life. -That's right, that's true. -He's very into white power. -White power, sir. Hell, yeah, thank you very much, appreciate you. -Louis, by the way, Louis would step in front of this guy and just bite a curb and be like, "Come on, sure. Come on, do the thing. Do the thing. Do the thing. I'm a piece of shit." [ Laughter ] -I mean, steelbeats, I-- Look, it's either Dave or steel. That's what I'm thinking right now. -You've been defensive on this one from the beginning. -Please. -What is a plasma scanner? -Gagged says Jeremy. Steelbeans, why do you say-- why do you say steelbeans? -Because you look like you'd be the most surprised to see a black guy. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, that seems like it would, like, it really stuck with you. -I just don't think Louis ever got the selling plasma. He would so ask before that. [ Laughter ] He didn't know what plasma was, and I believe. -I would sell asthma. -Yeah, right. He isn't the worst. -Essima. -Uh, steelbeans, could this be you? In Seattle, it gets stormy. There's very few black people. -Seattle? -Or you said, where it was, where it was. -There's so many black people, dude. The seahawks got 53. [ Laughter ] -That's all of them. -Yeah. Sorry, Everett Washington. I don't know anything about Washington State. -Oh, dude. It's fucking green, twin peaks. -A lot of white people. -A lot of white people killed himself there. Maybe, or-- -It definitely was killed. -Yeah, and she killed her. -Yeah, Sam Garden. A lot of guys who like to masturbate while they hang themselves to death. -But we call it suicide. Steelbeans is the only answer. -Even God knows you're voting wrong. -That was a bad sign of God thinking you're wrong. -Oh. -I gotta go Lewis. I feel like you overacted on the plasma thing. -It could be. -It dropped his fucking thing. He really did got-- He became fucking Mr. Bean for a second there. -He's a very good at this skill. -He has a name. -Oh, please, Mr. Bean's is my father. [ Laughter ] -What if you were Mr. Bean's son? We just find out he's Mr. Bean's son. -Mr. Bean's so hilarious, he named his son Steel. [ Laughter ] -Steel, it's down to you again. Always voting last, which is a strange strategy. -It makes me think it's not him ever. -Yeah. -I think that I say, "No," I said, "Cack this." -Yes, I feel good about that still. -I thought you, but now I'm thinking Detroit or New Mexico. And I-- -They don't want our blood. -New Mexico is not very black. -Which is why you would be surprised. -I mean, they need blood and Detroit. -Yeah, Mexico can say the inward though, so like, they're not afraid. -Just the cool ones. [ Laughter ] -Just when they're describing night. -Jid Frost, Conan. -I want a perfect score on this. I do not want to fuck this up. -I'm going, I'm going, "Cactus." -Yeah, that's my fault. -Steel Bean's locks in, "Cactus Tate." All of our answers are in Alex. Whose story was story number five? -Story number five belongs to Steel Bean. -Yes! -Damn! [ Applause ] -This is a total accident. It's just regarding the weather entirely. I just said, "Donate plasma every week to get that weed money." And I come out. [ Laughter ] And I just-- -Every week. -I swear, I just looked. It was sunny or I go, "It sure got black out here and just right around the corner. A bunch of people came out." It's, you know, and I literally that simple, but it's stuck with me because of how funny it was. -Do you know I've said that term outside of a movie theater, but I meant it the right way. -Right. [ Laughter ] -I'm sure you got black and here, you want to go back to the 10 o'clock movie? [ Laughter ] -Dude, what did they do? Were they like, "Look, we respect you." [ Laughter ] -I was Casino Road, which is kind of a shittier area. And so, no, they didn't blink. But I was prepared to go. I didn't mean it when I was wearing thrift store cowboy boots. And that seals the deal. -Oh, hey, I swear I didn't mean it. -Make me look worse to say anything. -Wow, that was a good round. Great round. -All right. In last place with four points, Dave Landau. [ Cheers and applause ] Tied for third place with six points each. Big J. [ Cheers and applause ] -And tied for first place with eight points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Steele B. -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -What a game. What a game. Very close. Alex, story number six. [ Music ] -Story number six. On the last day of school, I grabbed a teacher's ass, thinking that I would never see them again, only for them to show up one week later at my job. -I mean, this is Lewis. [ Laughter ] -I mean, grabbing it, you thought I sexually assaulted a teacher. -Yeah, why do you stop a teacher's? [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, teachers are going to be your one thing. -Do you think that I'm that cool? [LAUGHTER] I think I'm that awesome and that much of a real astute fine. You know what I had a little bit for myself here. - Body, I think this is you. - Do you think it's a main? - Why isn't it? You grab a teacher's ass, you piece of shit. - That's insane. - Okay. Well who would? I don't think this is cactus. I only show that they're fucking goose and fucking male teachers, although I'd respect the fucking hell out of it if you did. - That's a more, to be honest with you, it's more likely for a female. Being a dude, grabbing a teacher's ass is like very, very aggressive, for a chick, chick's phone, love with their male teachers. Shut up, bitch. Louis, that's a guess. We're gonna believe it out, it's okay. Yeah, I mean, I'm getting female vibe on this story. Girls phone, love with their teachers, and she was like, I'm gonna grab Mr. Fucking Dirk's ass, and she gave a little pincheroo, and then he showed up at her house cleaning gig or whatever she was doing. - Jay, waste your vote, good. I'm glad you're gonna lose this, you were in the lead for a minute, I hope it felt nice, put me in. I want you to, you want me to say, I'll hear, I'll slide it over for you. - Come on, pussy. - You want me to do it? - Go ahead, pussy. - Yeah. - Yes. (crowd cheering) - Domass. - What a stupid asshole. - You just gave away one, hoping to save yourself from three. - Do you think so? - I do, I hope they don't vote for you so I can steal these. - Landel, when did you start getting fucked up on drugs? What age? - 11 or 12? - 12. - What the fuck? - I was banned from my sixth grade trip to DC because I slapped the teacher on the ass with a ruler. - That's awesome. - So this wouldn't be shocking for me. I know it's just an asshole thing to do. I wasn't. - No, no, dude, it was six or six. - At the time it was. - It was pretty goddamn funny. - Yeah, you were a child. - I was just, I thought it would be funny, and it was to everyone but her. - Yeah, and God bless, it still is to this day. - Yeah. - Never see them again. - Oh. - See, the, the, the, the, Alex did change it to them. - I saw the teacher for the rest of the hour. - Louis, why don't you peek, peeking down and rereading it so it wouldn't be too much. - Well, no, so I'd never see them again. So Alex even changing it. It could be, even if it was a female grabbing, a female makes sense. I think she changed it because it was, it was his ass and she didn't want to make it obvious because we're not grabbing a man teacher's ass. - Mm-hmm. - It's not me. - Where did you work? - Why don't think you would grab, like a guy wouldn't grab a male teacher's ass. - I, much more likely to grab a male teacher's ass. - Probably he did. - Well, a gym coach or something. - Sure. - Would it be funny grabbing a male teacher's ass? That's hilarious. I want to go right now. Is there any teachers in the crowd? - Any male teachers? - Any male teachers want to get goose real quick? Huh, all of the one teacher's leaving. He's like, "I'm outta here. I can't do this." - He's like, "I am a physics professor." (laughing) - I am a master's. (laughing) - I fuck so many students. - Yeah. I'm not going to some dirty reekin' fuckin' up yuck my arm. (laughing) - You're being quiet. What do you think about sexual assault? - Hell areas, but I still wouldn't do it. - Okay, well, so he has the same view we all have. That didn't help anything. We all think it's hilarious. Did you have a job? - A job? - Yeah, since I was 11 years old, I've always had a job. - Where'd you work? - What age? - The week after, after you grabbed their ass. - Yeah. - The last day in high school. - KFC. - I might have already quit KFC at that point. At that point, I was delivering, "No, no, no, no, no, after I was a graduate, I was a bouncer at Whiskey Charlie's." - What? - I was a bouncer at Whiskey Charlie's. - With no fighting skills. I was just a big dude. - You had no fighting skills. You were a bouncer. - Oh, yeah. (audience laughing) I guess people live in glass houses, right? - You also dressed like the greatest bouncer ever. - Yeah, she was cool. - Yeah, I keep a cool. - Yeah. - Hey, come on, brother. - You thought you were a bouncer when you were 12? - You dressed like Dalton. - Yeah, I did, yeah. Well, I did wear my karate gear tonight in case. - I worked at a pizzeria, delivering pizzas, and I feel very confident, my guess. - Yeah, which is a place you'd be able to see a teacher again. - Teachers want pizza and dick. (audience laughing) - Teachers want pizza. Look, I think Cactus is throwing it over to me. She knows that there's some heat on me right now. So now she's throwing it away from herself. This is, I'm so positive, this is. I will wager, I'll give away all my points if I'm wrong on this one. I'm so positive that it's Cactus Day. (audience cheering) - Never been to unprecedented. Who did he give him to? - Mexican, you think I had a job? (audience laughing) - I won't really give away all my points, but I am voting Cactus. - Why the fuck would you say it? It was a whole thing. - That's not what the rules can just say things. - They created chaos in the room. I'm going Cactus Day. I feel very strongly on this. - For all of his points. - Did you have a job growing up? - Well, not in school. No. - What about you? - Oh, yeah. - Yeah? - Where'd you work? - I'm just grabbing. I was, I asked, grabbing, cooperated with nature. (audience laughing) I was their tailor. No, I worked at a Photoshop. I worked at, I got fired from there. I fired from everywhere. I worked at Pizza Place, Deliver Pizza. Got fired from there, 'cause I kept smoking weed instead of delivering pizza. (audience cheering) - It is more fun to smoke weed than Deliver Pizza. - It is. But it's also fun to deliver pizza when you smoke weed. - But it's when you're so high, you forget the pizza. - Yes. - To drop it off. Yeah, dude, if you order pizza at any time, if you ordered French fries or chicken wings, I was eating some of your French fries and some of your chicken wings. - Oh, absolutely. - Every time. - Yeah. - Wow, that's unsettling. - Well, I needed to go out after work. I was like, you, I'm like, I get it. My food in me a little bit at a time. - Yeah, yeah, little dib and dab. I feel good, but this is Lewis. Lewis is an ass-grabbing, piece of shit, scumbag, low life, horn of two pieces of shit who made one big old piece of shit. I love him like a brother. He's a brother. - But this is Lewis. - Dad, I love you. - Mom, you're the best. - Oh, dude. (audience cheering) - You guys not having just 'cause you got stabbed at death. - I think you got double points. - Yeah. - Oh, oh, oh, oh. (audience cheering) - The crowd's very possessive over. - You can't, you can't think. - You have to be a story warrior in order to say double points. (audience cheering) Fair enough. That was my mistake. - It might be Jay. - Could be. - I'm thinking it might be Jay. - You shouldn't. I would never, Lewis will back this up. - You know what, maybe I don't know. Your mom was a fucking dirty pig, slut, cunt, and your dad's a fucking scumbag. - Why would you say that about my mother? - Piece of, why would you say that about my parents? - It's written fucking so bad. - You just talk about your friend's parents like that. - He's a shit. - Oh my God. - What are you thinking about here? - Fuck, I hate to say it, but I'm between you guys again. - Of course you are. - He means literally, he has musician brain. He's like, I'm between you guys. - I don't know what to do. - He's in the pocket. - You're all between us. - I'm honored that every piece of shit story comes down to me and you. (laughing) - Yeah. - Let's see. This is a tough one. - Maybe it stays. I'm gonna go Jay. - Thank you. - Cactus A puts it her vote for Dave Landau. Why Dave Landau, Cactus? - 'Cause he was high in 12, and looks like he grabs teachers' asses. Look at that mustache. - That's true. - I didn't have it then. - Yeah. - But I would have. - He did admit to sexually assaulting a teacher on today's show. - I did, yeah. I still have the slip that said I was suspended from the school, from the DC trip. - Yeah. - Did you hope, Jess? - Yeah, it is. - That's such a risky piece of information for you to let us know though. If this was you, there's no way. - Sometimes you hide in plain sight of it. One of my best strategies. - Blue is. - It's fucking. - Seal Beans Waces vote votes for Lewis. - Waces you say, "Vace," but I'm telling you. - Big Jay Seal Beans both didn't get points this round. - Say what are you thinking? - I gotta go cactus 'cause I think I'm the only one that ever did this without charges being filed. (laughing) And. - If you know it's not you. - And if it's a woman, she's probably gonna get away with it. - Yeah. - True. - The rest of us would be in prison. Fuck, maybe it's cactus, Alex. - Story number six belongs to. Cactus Tate. - Fuck! (audience applauding) - No! - All right. - Oh, I know people who rape. - And I'm one of them. - Just one thing this guy knows. - Cactus, tell us a story. Was it a hot teacher your friends dare do? - No, it was my idea. It was eighth grade. I was dropping out thought I'd never go back to school. And Mr. Barnhart had a fat ass, dude. (audience laughing) And I grabbed two handfuls and I fucking ran out that door. And I had a job starting at 13. And I worked as a hostess at a restaurant. He brought his pregnant wife, his two kids, and him with a smile on his face right to the front door. And I had to see him and he whispered in my ear. He goes, "I know what you did." - Wow. And then you went, "Hey kids, your father's got a fucking donk on him." - Dude, the genetics on that's gonna be wonderful. - Wow, it's fuck, good round. Wow, great round. - All right. In last place with six points, - Big J-Oaker. (audience applauds) Tied for third place with eight points, each steel beans and Dave Landau. (audience applauds) In second place with 10 points, cactus Tade. (audience applauds) (audience applauds) - And in the lead with 12 points, Lewis J. Gomez. (audience applauds) - I told you, Jay. I told you it wasn't me. - Shut up. (audience laughs) - Shut the fuck up, dude. - I got to hold that array. - I could feel as God damn books slipping through my fucking fingers. Do you know in just 54 pages, Matt Fano and Peter Portius humorously teach that you can never call it in the air with 100% certainty, but a better understanding of coin flipping probability will get you that much closer, quarter, half dollar, even a Canadian loony, cheat the system. As you learn how to break down airtime, judge the flick of a wrist and never lose a coin toss again. (audience applauds) - This book can make you rich. - Oh, I want this book. I am fucking watching it sub through my hands. - All right, story warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank sheath, which is the best underwear on the planet. Let's get real, it's all I wear. I only own sheath underwear. Great quality, great colors, great fabrics, but obviously it's their dual pouch technologies, whatever one talks about. They have a sheath for your cock, a sheath for your balls. It holds them all sort of in the same place, but also separated. You don't want your dick sticking to your balls, Jay. - No, I hate that. My dick and balls haven't got along in years. - It's true, it's like two neighbors. - Yeah, it's like they started off cool and then it's like they got too familiar. - They built the fence. Who's responsible for repairing the fence? So nobody knows. - Yeah, well they have also very different landscaping ideas, you know what I mean, artistically. So it's like they clashes. One's a very modern and then the other one goes old school. - Well look, I'll tell you right now, you got to try them out genuinely the best underwear you're ever going to own in your entire life. It's a veteran owned business as well. So if you're a racist, that's probably pretty cool for you. It's trusted by elite athletes across the UFC, weightlifting golf and more. And sheath carries all sizes from extra small to three Excel and even have sports bras and women's underwear for big Jay. That's what you like to do on the weekends. - So what do, that's how I party and exercise. You got to feel it to believe it. If you go right now to sheath.com and use the promo code wars with a ZWA, RZWA, RZ. You're gonna get 20% off about that. They even offer a first pair of guarantee. So if it's not for you, you get your money back. But once you try sheath, we could all tell you there is no going back. That's SHETH.com/Wars and use that code wars for 20% off. Sheath.com. - All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee, the company that I started a little over a year ago. And I'll tell you right now, Jay, you're not a big coffee guy, but you were telling me how much you really enjoy the brand new Body Brain Creamer. - Oh, absolutely, it really smooths down the crystals when I'm shoving them up my shitter. The way I take in coffee. - Well, to be honest with you, you can just put the creamer in any sort of drink you put in. You're oatmeal, you put in a protein shake. You love your Starbucks. - Oh delicious ice. - Yeah, absolutely. It's got a little coconut, little coconut juice to it. - Yeah, we started with coconut milk powder. We added C8, MCT, Cortiseps, Rhodiola, collagen peptides. It really tastes great. It's got great ingredients that will make you feel absolutely great, energize you, help you with recovery, help you with your skin, your bones, everything. And the coffee obviously is incredible as well. Naturally supports testosterone, naturally supports brain function. We have them both. And what I want people to do right now, if you want to try them, people love this, okay? Go to BodyBringCoffee.com and grab them both. Grab the coffee and the creamer, check this out. We're giving you a crazy deal. If you use the promo code WarsGift, W-A-R-Z-G-I-F-T, we're giving you 10% off the two pack of the coffee and creamer, plus we're giving you a free gift just for story, Wars fans. You could either choose the BodyBring mug or the BodyBring Frother, which helps you mix the coffee and the creamer very, very smoothly. So once again, go to BodyBringCoffee.com. Use that promo code WarsGift to get 10% off the coffee and the creamer together, plus get a free gift of a mug or a milk frother. Okay, where were we? Two more stories, Alex, story number seven. (dramatic music) - Story number seven. I had a broken leg and I went to the bathroom at a bar. When I walked in, I slipped on the urine-soaked floor. It took me several minutes to get up because I kept slipping and nobody wanted to help me because of all the fecal matter on my clothing. - That's my story. - My first in-sync steal beans. That's why you had to learn how to play drums with them one arm guitar with the other arm. - What the fuck? This story's crazy. Pissed-soaked floor couldn't get up, kept slipping 'cause nobody went to help because of all the shit on their clothing. - Really, Jay, really. Body, this would be like, I would have written a song about this situation that would happen to me. - Have you ever broken your leg, Jay? - No. - Still beans, have you ever broken your leg? - I've hyper-extended both knees, but I don't drink. I quit drinking for my 21st birthday. So this is some drunk shit, 100%. - Yeah, this is definitely a dukey-soaked story. - It could be 21st birthday stuff, though. - Hmm. - You know what? - This could be why you stopped drinking. - Yeah, Dave, land down. - I also wouldn't drink anymore if I had this story. - Close your, you're broken your leg now. - Nope, yeah, I didn't think so. Knee surgery, that's it. Broken fingers, broken heart. - Aww, who was he? (audience laughing) - I want, want. This is definitely not a girl. Anyone would help a pretty girl covered and shit up. - Yeah, dude, my vagina could be prolapsed and they'd still be running out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, this is, this slaps a steel beans or-- - Well, they've landed out, though. - Land out, if you ever broken your leg. - No. - I didn't feel confident. - That's like a lie, I got it. - I'm watching him try to hold the smile in my leg right now. - That was crazy. - He went, no, you went, no. (laughing) - I know, I heard how I said it, but they went, "Ah, at the end, I didn't not sleep well last night." But that's not, I mean, I'm sports. - Dude, I'm still a phobic, I would have shot myself. But yeah, I have had a broken bone. - But your leg, specifically. - Yeah, in my knee. - Your knee, he got a lie, he got a lie, I think this too. Why me didn't lie, and now he told the truth, this all stinks of this being the land of stories. - It's fecal and your instincts of it. - JV, broken your leg? - Ancels. - Really? - No. - It's not that he wouldn't give an out of it. - No, nevermind. - Not even delivering a roundhouse kick in your karate outfit. - Really, believe it or not, dude. My legs were like, "Treat shrunk, dude." Anything that got in their path, I took down. No, I've never had a broken leg. I've broken an ankle several times, toes, fingers. Never an arm, never a leg. - Land out was a problem, drug addict and drunk. - Yeah, that's why I have Dave in as my early choice. - Yeah, I mean, he lied about having a broken leg that we pressed them on it, and he was like, "Fine, I did." - And it's like, "That's when I was covered in shit." Nobody would help me up, and he was, and that was your rock bottom, three weeks later. - Dave, wait a minute, have you ever been covered in fecal matter and piss? - No. - No, not for free. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what happens to Dave Land out. - That's how I feel. I feel good about it. Dave Land out. - Thank you, Mike. - No. (audience laughing) - No. All right, well, that solves it, for sure. (audience laughing) That was more confident that Dave's never had a broken leg. - Cactus tape puts it, Jeremy. Steel beans, why, why, uh, steel beans? - The no, really, just, it made me not believe him. - Yeah, I thought it was more confident, or not, I don't know what it was. It was the most confident, or least confident, no, I've never heard. - And it seems like a Detroit thing. You're in soaked floor. - This, you're in soaked floor is a Detroit thing. I will give you that. - Absolutely, dude. - There's a lot of piss on the floors there. - Covered in a fecal matter? - Yeah. - It's ew. (laughing) - Mom's getting-- - Like this bathroom doesn't. - Yeah. (laughing) - Mouse in the palace. This is all. - Bad boys. - Steel beans, what are you thinking over there? - I hate to say it, I'm between you and Dave again. - Come on, I swear. - It's always one of them. - Hey look, it could, it could very well be me, but I've never broken my leg. - I believe you, they're broken your leg. - You would know that, right? - Yeah. - It's loose language here. - Yeah, what do, your knee replacement? What if you had a cast? - Well, I did have a knee scope, but that was a nice broken leg. - Knee replacement, oh, just a scope. - Just a scope. - I was back in Jiu-Jitsu two days. - Why didn't they scope it? 'Cause it had bad breath. - AIDS. - Really? (audience laughing) - He had feline AIDS in his day. - That's why I really. - That's why he's living with it though. - Yeah. - Until-- - He's not dying from it. - Until it kills him. - Until, ultimately it kills him. He said that he'd live with it for the rest of his life. - That's good. - Just like magic. - Dave Lander, what are you thinking over there? You're being a little sneaky guy over here. I'm very much leaning toward Dave Lander. - It is Dave Lander. - I wanna know who he thinks it is, so maybe I'm-- - Broke leg junkie. Dave Lander. (audience laughing) - I don't, I don't think it's her 'cause it definitely sounds like a man's story. And yes, guys would run into a woman's room to help. Let's see. - Yeah, they're already hanging out in there. - Jay definitely would not like shit on his clothing. - Everybody likes shit on their clothing. - No, but you're right, but it would be like-- - Listen, Wiggers especially though. - This would have really-- - Yeah. - And if he had white shoes on, oh fuck. - Oh, my crispy whites, this would never fly. - No. - Yeah, nobody helped me up 'cause I'm covered in shit and piss would be, I would have killed myself at night. To be fat, covered in piss and shit, nobody helping me. It's like the beginning of the movie, "Carry". I'm gonna picture that forever until I eventually destroy a high school. - Except you're the one who dumped the blood on yourself. - Yeah, yeah. (audience laughing) I mean, it could be cactus. It doesn't say the fecal matter was on the floor. It could have been after she was tryhumping with that guy. She showed up at the bar. - We didn't consider this could also be a Mexican carry situation where people were laughing at you and covered in shit and piss on your beard. - I've never broken a bone, though. - Oh, they never mind. Oh, then it's definitely-- - It could be a lie, nothing. - It's definitely Dave Landau. - Never ever. - Nope. - Still beans, what are you thinking over here? You're just staring at the screen. (audience laughing) - I'm lost on this because you're-- - I'm gonna go Dave. - I'm gonna go Jeremy, 'cause he has not been a person yet. - I'm gonna-- - Sorry. - Well, I guess he's been one story. - I'm just gonna narrow it down. - Who? Dave just gave casually, it hasn't been him, so he's gone by a number scheme, then he goes, well, he's only had one. So that has been Dave, yeah. - You put Lewis though. (audience laughing) - Yeah, no, I'm just kidding. It seemed like a throw you off. - Yeah, it's not me. My first thing, thanks, was Dave Landau. He didn't convince me that it wasn't him. Shit. That's what was on Dave Landau's pants that day. Shit. Shit. - Fick that matter. Alex, all of her answers are in. Whose story was story number seven? - Story number seven belongs to Dave Landau. - Of course. (audience applauding) - Yeah, the not lying right when you asked me if I had a broken leg was definitely the giveaway. - Just give away. - No. I will say it was a velour track suit, and I was at a rock club. - You bet. - Oh yeah, I was in Detroit. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. My fucking matching Tar Heels hat was ruined. I didn't like the Tar Heels. It was the powder blue that went with the stripe on the fucking velour track suit. - It's a great track suit. - It's a wonderful track suit. It was delightful until that night. My friends were not near me because it was a rock club. There was a concert going on, and I was fucked up out of my mind, and there wasn't anybody in the bathroom, but it's a rock club bathroom in Detroit, so it's just pissing shit. And my crutches went out under me, and I landed on the floor. - Oh, your feelers. - Yes. Oh, my white feelers? Done. - Oh. - And yeah, my, oh yeah, I just told you it was the feelers. - Jerry Stathouse. - I had the matching. So yeah, I got up, tried to stand, couldn't because I kept slipping on the shit. And then I finally just went through, and my friends just looked at me, and we all knew what had happened. And I got in my car, and I just drove home, and I burned everything that I was wearing after that. - Oh yeah, of course. - Taking the longest shower that I've ever taken in my entire life. And then I went and got STD tested three months later. - Hell yeah. - That was black out there. (laughing and clapping) - Woo. - I am pulling away with this game, Alex. - Yeah. - Give us our points. - It's all over the place. - In last place with eight points, steel beans. (laughing and clapping) Tied for third place with 10 points each. Big J. Ogerson and Cactus Tade. (clapping and cheering) - In second place with at 12 points, Dave Landau. (clapping and cheering) And in first place with 16 points, Lewis J. Gomez. (clapping and cheering) - Oh, it really is still anybody's game. - Everyone's still, everyone's still in it right now. - Everyone's still in it for sure. - One more story, one more story. Is everybody ready for our final story tonight? (cheering and clapping) - Alex, story number eight. (upbeat music) - Story number eight. When I was younger, I used to masturbate onto a blank piece of paper and let it dry. (laughing) After using the same paper, it would harden and turn yellow, and the paper would become a thick translucent sheet. More than once, guests in my home found them. - Wishful thinking, Cactus. - Yeah, we'd like to think that I feel like this, I thought Lewis until it said translucent. - Are you a squirter? - That's just piss and no. - Is it just piss? - Are you a pisser? - Am I a pisser when I need to be, yes. - Do you like the piss when you come? (laughing) - On the paper, specifically. - How would I aim it, though? - No, this isn't her. I mean, it is her, it's artistic. - I would love to try. - I feel like translucent isn't something Lewis would ever write. I mean that. - Thanks, man. - Hey, bud, I don't think you know what that means. I think contextually now you do, so I'm not gonna go. - I mean, I would assume translucent means see-through. - Yeah. - But why would they think that it would become see-through after coming into turning yellow? - Because it's still like wet, it's like dried wet, so you kind of see. - Oh, what do you know that, Jay? - Uh-huh. - Because of my yellow hard-come on this piece of paper. - Jay is a pervert, right? - What the fuck does that mean? - You are. You're a fucking pervert. - I, whatever it is, Jay, you, you, and, look, I'll say, this is, we have something similar here. We are, we are young perverts who love to jack off. - Why are you accusing, this isn't me. - You don't have to apologize me, it wasn't me. I think it's you, I think it's your thick yellow come, you creepy piece of shit. - No, well, well, you already said you don't think it's me because I wouldn't know the word translucent. - I agree with that. - Now once I put the smell onto you, now all of a sudden you're pushing it back onto me, which is a very Jay strategy. - You wouldn't say translucent, that's true. - Jay needs everyone to not vote for him in order to tie for first place right now. And I'm not falling for your horse shit. And I take the translucent comment very personally. - I think I would win if I got a clean sweep. - What, how many points do you have, eight or 10? - 10. - You would win, because you're not gonna get that because I'm voting for Jay, nice and early. Big Jay Ogerson. (audience applauding) And now I'm never forget what translucent means. - It's Lewis for sure. Lewis looked up translucent. (audience laughing) - This is not me, you're wasting your fucking vote if you go, this is me. - Jay needs the time. Any of you vote for Jay into 10, he loses. - It's not me at all. Wait, you know what? It's me. Good strategy. - Yeah, you guys give up. You guys give up for me. - I'm scared to take that book home. - This is crazy, dude. - Why would guests find it? Were you putting it on the fridge? (audience laughing) - Lewis, use the paper mache as furniture. Patches with it, yeah. (audience laughing) - I can't imagine this being Jay. And I know that you use the chest tissue on the chest jerk off onto the tissue. - You told me you didn't tell anybody. - I'm sorry. But I don't know if you switched it up and all your Jack offering. - Yeah, you do have a lot of different stuff. - Jacking off onto a piece of paper on your tummy. That's actually a great idea. Maybe that's how Jay did it. Could I lay out paper towels or my towel now? I have a towel. - I have no consistency in my load shot. If I put it on my stomach, and I'm in there, just getting all my bush. Or then I lay it low on my bush, and I'll hit myself in the fucking chin. It's day to day, man. I don't plan like that. I just try to fucking cover it with my thumb when it happens. - I've shot myself. - I've shot my shoes down. Like an eargate to my dick hair. - I've shot myself directly in my own mouth recently. - Oh, why was your mouth open? Why was your tongue out in your mouth open? (groaning) I'm such a little cum slut. (laughing) This is fucking gross ass Lewis. - And then I just think he's too dumb to know what trans loose it means, but someone said it to him recently. (laughing) And you've been waiting to use C through. -You are so much dumber than me. -What? -You think that's true? -Get smart glasses. -Yeah. -First of all, these are smart glasses. These are R&B on a beach glasses. I'll beat you in IQ tests in a heartbeat. -You want to do a IQ test? Forget the whole format of the show. IQ test next week. IQ test, I'm sorry. Welcome back to IQ test with a Z. T-E-S-T-Z. T-E-S-T-Z. T-E-S-T-Z. -This is Lewis. -I don't want to vote it yet, but I thought everybody else. -You just had a conversation. -Jay have checked off on to paper, though. -Paper towels, of course. -Did you start wearing the glasses after you were shooting loads on your face? -I had to. -He did. -He thought I would class him up. -Well, I used to jack off. I used to, I had porn on magazines when I was a teenager. And then I would jack off. But then when I got bored of a girl, I would have just shoot her down. I knew her after a while. I was like, "All right, I'm done with you." -Oh, that's how you retired them? -I like them. I like routine and I like ceremonies. -I like you, jerk off. I go, "Goodnight." -Look, either way, this is-- -Goodnight, Janine London viewer. -No, no, no, no. No matter what we want it to say, this is either me or Jay, okay? -It's gotta be. -I don't know. Where do you jerk off at? -Did you vote me? -I jerk off a little bit everywhere. -A little bit, a lot of places. -Yeah, you know what I'm saying. -Instead of a lot in one place. -Yeah. -The blank piece of paper's throwing me off. Why did it have to be blank? -Well, you don't want to have you ruin information. -Yeah. -Well, maybe it did. -The plumbers phone number? -Yeah. -Where's that plumbers phone number? Oh, it's all fucking crusty yellow when I translate some piece of paper. -I'm translucent now. -The only thing I'm sure of is that it's not me and it's not you. -Mm-hmm. -And I keep going, I keep going Dave Lewis and not trusting my first instinct. -What's your first instinct? Tell you right now. Just slide the gun. What do you say? Don't even think about it. Just shoot, bang. Shoot it out. -Your eye? You see something? -I've been right every time and then I go with my second guess and it's fucking me up. -What's your first guess this time? -He's got the smile. He's got the smirk. -Mm-hmm. -Every time. -I'm doing anything. -It's Dave, looking him over there. Can't wait to go home and jerk off on paper. -I know. -I got a -- -He's fucking -- like a cage tiger just waiting to blast off on fucking -- -I got a whole stablets of paper. -A whole stack of printer paper just ready to get come on. -He's got to find yourself a deal in the old time where you got to rip the sides off. -Oh, yeah. -Master rating is a part of Jay's personality. -What? -Like he loves Jack in it. -That's not even so true. -That's not true. -Fuck you, dude. This is Lewis. -Yeah, good dude. -When it's Lewis, you're going to eat those words, dude. You love Jack in it. -You do, dude. -That's not even fucking so true. -Now, I hate it. -This one, I feel sad. -I don't jerk off. I'm really barely jerk off. -Are you kidding me? -I'm an adult. -Oh, you jerk off. -No, I watch Bill Mar. I watch Bill Mar. -Now he's having an entire-- -No, dude. -Now I'm positive at him because it's so fucking legal. -I watch Bill Mar. [ Laughter ] -Okay, for the Bill Mar thing, I'm going big Jay. -You're crazy. I watch Bill Mar. [ Cheers and applause ] -The audience thinks it's Jay. I think it's Jay. Land out thinks it's Jay. Jay just fucked up. -Who is, dude? I'm telling you I don't know how to fool you. He doesn't watch Bill Mar. [ Laughter ] You see no name in the show. -Well, but you would use the word translucent if you watched Bill Mar. -I would. -Yeah. -I more likely use translucent at Lewis, but this isn't me. I never jerk off on paper and keep it around. -The scene when you were young, 12 years old. -Never. -You just put-- you leave it in Adam Places, dude. -Yeah. -Oh! -Unless this story's literally the other day. -How long did you have to let it dry? How long does that take? -About an hour. [ Laughter ] -Standard. -Standard just dried up. -I did not think that it was big Jay, but now you guys are getting me. I can picture you in the karate fucking shirt just whacking off. -If I was going to jerk off when I was young, it would be in a karate shirt standing up. That's how Dalton would have done it. -Hell, yeah. Just take those tight jeans off and go to town. -I think, "What are you doing?" I go, "I'm cooling." -I get cooler. -He's a cooler. [ Laughter ] -Cactus, what are you thinking over there? Very silent. Very, she's pontificating. She's thinking. She's probably thinking about her teacher's ass right now. -Yes. -That fucking fat apple. -Pickstar dumpers. -Damn, dude. I don't know if it's you or Jay. -Yeah, I think it's one of us, too. -I'll just look like you keep your come. Not your children, but your come. -No. -We keep each other at home. -I keep my coming. Wait, what if I have to make a new arm or something? -That's true. -I assume the science will catch you up to my categorized library of jizz. -Yeah, every -- all men keep their come. I don't know if it's a secret. -Each little jar of my jizz is labeled like all my hands and knees. I don't know if it makes any difference. I'm like, "This one was on my back. This one was standing up." And I put it on like a piece of like a packing tape. -But you're a musician. You -- That's artistic, I think. -Totally. -And translucin is a musician word. -Oh, totally. -Look at my choos engine, come paper. [ Laughter ] -Somebody said, "What? If you're singing a song." -I've masturbated in my life, but like I said, I've been in relationships my whole life. And I've been in a packed house. I've had a little sister, a big brother. There's no way I would be able to hide something like that at all. -Well, now I'm going to jerk off to that vision later. -Louis loves keeping his calm. That's why it's definitely Louis. -Even if you have people in the house, you can jack off. -Good jerk off, yeah. -Specialty is going to rub it on a piece of paper and not scream. -I should a room with my brother. -Yeah, this couldn't be me because I scream every time I come. -Thank you two people who caught that. -All right, guys, we got to get our answers in. You're just staring. -I'm very convinced. -I'm panicked. Everybody can win this game still. -The nerves. -It's got to be Jay. -Damn. -Sure. -I'll tell you right now if it's not Jay and it's somebody else in this panel, they just pulled so far ahead. -It's fucking. -I got to go, Louis. I hate to do this, too. -It is, Louis. -Please. -This is Phil Beans and he just fucking pulled ahead and won. That'd be insane. -He didn't because it's you. You scum bag. -It's Big Jay's beautiful. -You translucent pieces. -Big Jay's so mad because it's him. Big Jay's so mad. -Alex? -This is gross no matter what, dude. I don't care who it is. -Who ever did it as a real piece of shit. No, you'll be judged. -Alex? -Oh, if it's cactus, I'll-- I'm going to-- -It gets me. -I'm going to cry to chop the table in half. -Alex, whose story was story number eight? -Story number eight. -Belongs, too. -Steel Beans. -No! [ Cheers and applause ] -Holy shit. -Holy shit. -Steel Beans. -I don't jerk off. -That's a lie. -That's crazy. -Yeah, I got you on that one. I'm starting-- -You jerked off the whole time? -Yeah. -This whole time. Under the table. I've been judging-- -Well, this is a paper that you were jerking off on. -Well, I'm not going to lie. This wasn't just when I am younger. I still do this from time to time, but-- -It just seems like an easy receptacle. And especially if you're covering a trajectory, you want it to-- you know what I mean? You land it on there, you let it-- -Paper towel or a piece of paper? -Ah. No, a piece of blank printer paper. Eight and a half by eleven. [ Laughter ] -A standard. -20? -That is the hottest paper. [ Laughter ] -20 pounds. -I'm going to say you refuse that large of a piece of paper. -No, no, no. -But you let it dry. And after-- see, it comes out as a solid load. But then, as it liquefies, you can twist, shut up. [ Laughter ] You move the paper around, and it starts to take these little shapes. And it's actually pretty artsy, guys. Once it dries, you set it aside. You use it again, and I'm saving paper. It's some eco-shit, okay? And then what you do, you put the other load on there, and then it becomes a solid-- it sounds weird as it's coming off. -Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. -Come on, come on. And yeah, just every once in a while, my buddies have come over, and they just be like, "What the fuck is that?" I go, "Uh, it's my juice, on a piece of paper." -Just fess up right away. -This whole episode is hard, I'm not embarrassed by anything. I'd be like, "There's my juice on paper, dude. I'm saving it up." -Well, they would cringe. -Yeah, they're cringe-y. -They might have, yeah, you know. -You just said, "Coke off this piece of paper." -Yeah. -So did I. -Alex, where are points at after eight stories? Who is our winner? -All right, tied for fourth place with ten points each. Big J. Ogerson and Cactus Tape. [ Cheers and applause ] In third place with twelve points, Dave Landau. [ Cheers and applause ] And tied for first place. -Oh, no! -16! -No! -Geech! -Louis J. Gomez and Steel Beans. [ Cheers and applause ] -So we are now going over time. I don't know if you guys know how it works. Over time, only me and Steel Beans are playing this round. Alex is going to read one more story, and it's not going to be one of our stories. It can only be Landau, Cactus, or Big J's story. Before she reads the story, we have to wager 0 to 16 points. We each have 16 points. -Hi, to keep it hidden. -What? Yeah, we have to hide it. -We have to keep it hidden. -The amount that we wager. -Yes. Yes, as they wager. Oh, we're gonna get kicked off YouTube. Don't do that. Make your own jungle. *singing* BAM, ONANO, MY Wages Locked In. My Wages Locked In. Okay, Wages Locked. We didn't use it for the wager time. Aw, quakidniz. He's coming on the trance. *singing* Quakidniz. Bounanonan. Bounu-no-wink. Our wagers are locked in Alex. Alex, story number nine. I tripped and fell, walking on stage, and caught myself on the club's securities tits. *laughter* Could be cactis. She does cactis. She loves grab and she finds any excuse. The woman's a groper. The new Mexican groper. *laughter* I've been waiting all my life for the favor and be the groper. I'm tired of being the rapie. I want to be the rap bitch. Finally, take back the night, bitch. Yeah. *applause* That's like fucking three Jennifer Lopez enough films. *laughter* Dave Landau, I mean this could be you. Once again, you broke your leg. This could be right after that. You tripped it. You're always tripping and falling. This is just how I get on stage, yeah. He goes, "Cue the biggest lady who works here, stand by the stage so I can crank them shit up." Yeah, I'm always like, "I just need to trip into a pair of tits for a good laugh." I mean a female security guard is crazy. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even perform at the club. I'd walk out like, "I'm not doing this. It's not safe." Yeah, I wouldn't even do a trip. If I had a female security guard, I would just grab her tits and be like, "Get out of here. Just let me go." Take the night off. I'll protect myself. She needs security now here. Hey, get out of here, tits. Yeah, there was a no one there to help her. Hey, you look adorable on this little vest. Let me get this zip that thing off and grab these little fuckin' bowels. There we go. Let me get yourself some of the drink. Get out of here. Look at this uncomfy badge off you. I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm not getting big J vibes. I feel like if Big J tripped and grabbed onto a woman, she would also fall down with you. I'm falling, I'll drag your tits with me. I hope I don't grab your nips. I'm gonna turn your A's in the fuckin' floppy F's. Lando, we did find out Lando is, he's clumsy and he's a drug addict and a drunk. Super stoked on tits. Lando's been doing comedy for a while. How long have you been doing comedy, Lando? 24 years. 24 years. Yeah, you've been around for a long time. We know you grop, you know? No groper. Gooser. The kind of knockers it would take for Jane, I had a land and it would to catch us. They just, you don't find. I used a ruler. I don't know if it's cringe if a girl grabs another girl's figure. Tits, everyone's like, no one's cringy, everyone's like, "Nice." They go, "Yes, is there soccer tits, soccer tits, soccer tits." Yeah, wouldn't it be at a place with women if it's female security? That's all so true. They would have to be like a big lesbian. Yeah. Fucking. But then it wouldn't, would that be weird to fall into our tits? Probably not. I don't think so. No, over at die-cat quarters? No. Die-cat HQ? Brings you downtown, books you. Take it down to the station. Where do you think it still beans? Like I said, I know it's not us. There's no way. I'm thinking-- Well, over here. The night belongs to this guy, really. How much he has fooled me. It's only the three of us for sure. It's not you or Lewis for sure. They don't do one of your stories. That's true. Yeah. Okay, fuck. Why don't you make sure he doesn't fucking? Of course. I'm also getting Dave Landev vibes over here. I'm kind of bothered by this. You should be. It's an insult. It is. I mean, I am smaller. There's ways I could get away with it, but I just wouldn't do it. I don't get off. This isn't on purpose. This is the trip they fell walking on stage. They caught themselves on the legislative side of the story in a public forum. But then again, this could be a big J story where he's just not like I didn't hear this story. We've been podcasting it for a long time, but this isn't like a remarkable crazy story. This is just something that as he's looking for a cringe story. It could be a man's tits like a TSA agent. That's true. That's true. I don't even overthink that. I guess could have been a guy, yeah. Still, I'm going to get the vote and go in first here. Sure. Like a meatloaf in fight clubs. Yeah. We are all that guy. Can we fold in there? Big J. Okerson is my vote. I feel like it's two on the nose for land now. This is just a big J story. He remembered it today as he's trying to come up with a cringe story. What? I lock in big J. I'm going to go Dave. Well, this is going to be interesting. All right. Alex, we're both locked in. Story number nine belongs to cactus takes. No way. So now it's going to matter who majored more points. And it was a dude's tits. He was on GOP ones had a lot of weight loss. So I grabbed those second tips. GOP ones are miracle drug cactus. Come here, let me feel if they're working. I take that bound. Nice. Yeah, it's not bad. They're all miracles. All right. How many points do steel beans wager? Nine. I wagered 16. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new story warrior. Oh, yeah. I couldn't have done this, of course, without the magic and miracle of double points. Holy shit, your new story warrior steel beans in the house. Hell yeah. What an absolutely amazing show. Thank you so much. Thank you all so much for being here. You're having a big round of applause for our entire panel. The great Dave Landau. Check out his new special 30 minutes with Dave Landau on YouTube. Cactus tape. Fantastic. So funny. And of course, you know, a story warrior steel mother fucking beans. Thank you so much for having me at the biggest fucking comedy club in New York. Thank you guys all. Thank you guys so much for being here tonight. And always for story wars. I'm Big J. Oakerson. I'm Louis Shade Gomez. Until next time. Beuse.