Staying Sober When You Want to Drink : The Triggers Nobody Warns You About

18m 7s

This episode addresses the challenges of navigating patio season as a person in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. The host, Anthony, shares his lived experience of maintaining sobriety through two patio seasons, describing how social drinking environments can trigger unexpected feelings of envy, grief, and isolation. He explains that patio season often catches people off guard because it is quieter and less obvious than holidays or birthdays, yet it can be equally dangerous. Anthony describes a personal moment when he felt jealous watching a stranger get into an Uber, illustrating how irrational and sudden triggers can be. He emphasizes that recovery is not about avoiding life but about entering situations with the right motive and spiritual grounding. The episode offers practical advice including eating before going out, deciding your exit plan in advance, texting a sober friend for accountability, knowing your drink order beforehand, choosing strategic seating, and using urge surfing to ride out cravings. Anthony also discusses the grief of missing the ease and permission alcohol provided, and the importance of sourcing that internally through practice. He stresses that staying connected to recovery is a personal responsibility, not a friend's job, and that relapse remains a threat regardless of sobriety length. He encourages listeners to go easy on themselves, embrace firsts, and remember that recovery is simple but not easy.

Transcription

3895 Words, 19907 Characters

English

Speaker 1it's everybody's favorite time of year spring is coming summer is upon us and as good alcoholics and addicts we all know what that means patio season this is one of those things where it kind of sneaks up on you in that you don't really think that it's going to be a tough time comparatively to speaking to holidays and events and birthdays celebrations this is a tricky one because i talk to a lot of alcoholics in recovery that new alcoholics in recovery that say that when they are walking by patios it is one of the most triggering things to be a part of to witness because it looks so nice when people are just laughing and scratching and smiling and enjoying that nice cold beer on the patio how do we get through this why should we care about patio season and how do we go through a patio while go to a patio and enjoy the night enjoy ourselves while not being the boring sober guy that's miserable sitting there or girl that's just existing it is possible and i've done it many times and it is fun so it got nice on friday we went to a patio and we're sitting there i was enjoying my soda water and i see this guy it was on king street by the way which i don't like going to but king street before 10 p.m is actually a lot of fun after 10 p.m not so much the real chads start to come out and people that you probably don't want to be around with in recovery or maybe you do i don't recommend it i see this guy across the street and he's looking real suspicious and he's getting into an uber and for some reason i don't know if it was his demographic his what he looked like his appearance the fact that it was friday and it was a nice day my brain immediately went to the thought that oh that guy's going to pick up cocaine for sure he's gonna have a great night ahead of him and then this feeling of envy and jealousy sort of starts to come up upon me it's wild i a year and a half in i don't understand it these things they don't make sense my i have no control over my thoughts my first thought i have control over the second thought and my action but you can just laugh at it now and say where did that come from what i'm spinning this story about this guy and immediately i'm like oh he gets to use cocaine and i don't what a fucking asshole what patios are triggering they can be hard they trigger us in different ways and it comes when you least expect it that's the tricky part cunning baffling and powerful this is the episode that i wish i had before i went to my first patio season sobriety because nobody really tells you like i said about the quiet part of this calendar the quiet part of your recovery where your friends are all going out to a patio and you want to go to so it's april toronto is about to open for patios and many other east coast cities cold climates if you're in recovery in the city the next six weeks are important because you want to get through them you never know when that one relapse can take you out for years so let's get into it whether you're six days sober or six years sober or six hours sober patio season doesn't give a fuck how much time you have the people at the bar that you're probably hanging around with most of them probably don't care about your recovery program that's a broad statement but the people i was hanging out with at patios and at clubs they didn't give a fuck whether i was using or not so i'm anthony i'm an alcoholic and an addict i am about a year and a half sober i had seven and a half years i came into recovery at 2015 i relapsed on adhd medication and secrets and i'm back now this is my second year of recovery i'm back now second patio season this time around but i've had many in the past and i've had a lot of personal experience with going out in recovery and staying sober and enjoying being content in the environment so i want to tell you this is practical stuff that i do this is my experience it's not a toolkit from a website or five steps to handle your patio season this is just my lived experience so hopefully you get something out of it because you don't have to suffer through this summer season you don't have to suffer and avoid the beach you don't have to avoid the beach you don't have to avoid patios you don't have to avoid i can go anywhere in the world as long as i'm on fit spiritual ground and my motive is right that is the key what is my motive before going to these events so you're out with your friends the waiter goes around and asks everybody what they want to drink you're looking over the non-alcoholic options and they're usually maybe there isn't some maybe there is everybody orders a beer and it comes to you and the waiter goes what do you want sir and i go i'll have a soda water after all my friends just ordered a beer the guy looked at me and he kind of said i'm not going to drink a beer i'm going to have a soda water and i'm going to kind of scoffed he went okay i wanted to fucking knock the guy out all my friends looked at me like i was going to say something and i just let it go these are the things we have to deal with in recovery i didn't let it bother me after that but when it comes to fitting in and being in recovery it's so important to try not to care about what other people thinking about you nobody is noticing that you're not drinking and if they are they have a problem with alcohol it's their problem it's not your problem don't apologize for being in recovery and being sober all you have to say is i just don't drink i'm not drinking today i don't drink so there's a restlessness that sort of shows up about an hour or two hours in for me where i start to notice that people are on their second and third drinks and maybe that voice my head starts talking and i'm not being present i start to notice that maybe someone looks at me and i assume that they know that i'm not drinking and now i'm thinking that they're thinking that i'm a loser it's not necessarily a craving or a obsession of the mind but it's just feeling out of sync with the rest of the bars feeling out of sync with the table where you kind of just have to take a breath and say no no my motive here i'm here to enjoy conversation i'm here to support my friend i'm here to have a good time get out of my house not isolate what is my motive there's sort of a grief situation that's happening where you're missing the drink or you think you're missing the drink and then you're missing the version of yourself who used to belong on that patio you're missing the version of yourself that used to belong with the drinking buddies with the crowd with the laughter and the chatter and you think that you need a drink to participate you don't so what i realized that day was that i wasn't grieving alcohol i was grieving ease i was grieving comfort i was grieving relief that alcohol used to give me sobriety in the summer is the moment you find out how much your identity was actually tied to the weather was weather dependent and this is sort of a realization that you can have and just accept and move on i'm a different person now i am anthony 2.0 i'm a new version i don't need a drink to enjoy life so this is to all the people that have sat at that patio or sat at that beach or that party or that backyard barbecue and felt like they didn't belong they didn't fit in they weren't accepted what you think you're missing versus what you actually are so the lie that patio season tells you is that everyone is having more fun than you i'm on my own no one else is not drinking i'm alone here i'm separate i'm not accepted i'm the boring sober person whatever that narrative is in your head that thought loop the truth that nobody admits is that half the table is drinking to manage the exact same social anxiety that you have that you're feeling right now there's that moment where everybody kind of sits down and there's that discomfort that most people have that a drink makes go away the difference between you and them is that they stop after three or four or two or one and we go into trap houses in scarborough and pick up from our dealer or whatever it looks like for you having 20 beers or drinking alone that night that doesn't happen to the average person the thing i missed wasn't the drink necessarily it was permission permission to be loose to be loud to not monitor myself you can do this i do this in recovery i force myself to be silly i force myself to be outgoing myself i just kind of let loose and let my guard down you can do it without alcohol but it takes practice sober patios force you to source that permission internally like i said you need to find it within not from the bottle not from the bag you need to dig deep and find it within that's the work and that's why it's very exhausting at first because you're looking for this new identity this permission to just be yourself in your skin at that moment and it takes practice like i said when you picture yourself on a patio with a drink are you picturing the drink or are you picturing who you got to be when you had one that version of yourself that alcohol allowed you to be or turned you into what do you miss ask yourself that do i miss the alcohol or the cocaine or do i miss the illusory freedom that it brought me the ability to not be an adult for three hours and kick my shoes off and turn my phone off and not have responsibilities and kids and the world and work and just be present so here's some of the things i actually do practical tips they're not rules this is what i do so take what works and leave the rest first eat a meal hungry hot social pleasure is a relapse triple threat so it's basically halt hungry angry lonely tired am i hungry am i angry am i lonely or am i tired try to cover those bases something i learned in early recovery it's worth googling and looking into if if it strikes you there's a lot of science behind people relapsing in one of these states to decide your exit before you arrive so have an exit plan and you don't need to go and draft up a document in google docs you don't need to type something out or write down something in your journal you can if you want it's effective but i'll leave when it feels right i'll leave whenever i want to leave i'll leave when i've enjoyed i've taken the pleasure out of the evening not an actual time but text a sober friend so that it's it's witness this is another way get someone to hold you accountable hey i'm going to this thing i'm scared uh sponsor is a great role for this i how do i have an exit plan what do i do if i get uncomfortable "Well, what can I do? Do I have a ride home? Did I drive? my bike can I get out of there safely without relapsing three know what you're ordering before you sit down so look at the menu maybe they have some non-alcoholic beverages I don't really drink non-alcoholic beer because I was always taught non-alcoholic beers for non-alcoholics now that's not a judgment if you drink non-alcoholic beer for me it's too close to beer and I have no good reason to drink non-alcoholic beer other than I want to get drunk or I want to vicariously steal pleasure from other people or this fake beer that's just my experience my my opinion if that helps you stay sober more power to you when you get there seat selection matters more than people realize so away from the bar closer to the food facing the street so you can people watch something to look at that isn't everyone else's drink if you're there for a game be near tv I like to be near tvs I like to have a motive when I go there I'm going to watch the game I am going to enjoy my social circle the company of my social circle you can another thing you can do is try to order first your soda water with lime at the same time as their first round so nobody notices you can you know sneak it in there quietly I know for for me I've had moments in my recovery where it's come to me and I've been like oh fuck I'll get a soda water and I'm whispering and the waiter goes what what did you say no one cares remember if the people at the table don't know you have a simply tell them that alcohol doesn't agree with you I turned pro and retired early I don't drink anymore don't over complicate the reasoning you don't and plus nobody deserves a reason anyways but if they ask those are some things you can say soda water is a good order non-alcoholic beverages I like virgin caesars because it looks like I'm having alcohol and people usually leave me alone but I usually just get soda water and lime and I enjoy that so there's something called urge surfing that's helped me get through a lot of these moments it's when the craving or the obsession not craving when the obsession hits mid patio the sun is shining just right the beer is looking extra cold and you're just triggered to high hell and you don't want to just share at the table that you're triggered because it's not socially acceptable and maybe the people you're with don't know that you're in recovery maybe they're work friends you're going for beers after work urge surfing is when you just sort of notice it it's the concept that comes from alan marlett's relapse prevention work it's evidence-based widely used in treatment the short version is that cravings peak and fall like a wave so they peak usually within 20 to 30 and then they fall if you don't feed them if you don't buy into it if you don't obsess about it and and think about ways to get away with it no one would know and this and that just ride the wave you don't have to fight the urge you just have to outlast it be consistent and just ride the wave like I said sometimes a bathroom break could help two minutes alone splash some water on your face and reset go back out there and you're good probably one of the most important parts is the exit so leaving before the vibe shifts everybody in the world I don't care who you are there's a point where you're like oh my god I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom in time at any bar or party where people just go over the deep end into zombie mode whether it's with drugs or alcohol people just change like that leave before that happens there's a difference between a good sober patio and a relapse risk is often 45 minutes so maybe leaving early could save your life you never know something else is not going straight to bed when you get home so the adrenaline takes a while to come down I was at a concert last night and it took me a bit to fall asleep because I was all pumped up on something and I was like oh my god I'm gonna go to the and music I give myself a widened down ritual so you can shower journal I do my daily inventory before I go to bed most nights I read calm yourself down relax your nervous system here's the unglamorous truth the unsexy truth is sometimes the better answer is to just not go sometimes early sobriety is not a time to prove anything to anyone a patio will still be there in six months and you will be a different version of yourself to be able to handle that situation so sometimes you just have to say no I'm not going to go to the bathroom I'm not going to go to the bathroom I'm not going to I'm I'm I don't feel like going today you don't have to give a reason even I just you know it's I got to work on myself just say no no is a full sentence so the honest hard part is the longer you've been sober the actually lonelier the patio season can get because people stop noticing that you're not drinking they know they don't they don't know you're in recovery or sorry they know you're in recovery and they don't really ask you how you're doing they don't ask you in the beginning people used to ask me if it was okay that they drank in front of me and of course I would always say yes I'm not going to go to the bathroom I'm not going to go to the bathroom I don't want to adapt make anyone adapt to me I like I said I'm coming here I don't want anyone to change their behaviors for me sometimes people won't drink and that's okay I should respect that too but the longer you've been sober the less people make space for your recovery in my experience so check in on yourself and just be aware of that people don't necessarily ask you how you're doing the longer you've been sober because they know you as a sober guy and you look like you have it all together people assume you're fine they'll order around without asking they'll do a shot in front of you and or maybe accidentally offer you a shot because they forget that you're in recovery or whatever so here's the piece I had to learn the hard way it's my job to stay connected to my recovery while on the patio or the beach or the rave of the festival it's not my friend's job to curate my afternoon around me it is my problem and my solution it's not anybody else's responsibility to make sure that I'm okay and not triggered that's the harsh truth so the reason why I was going to patios and raves and concerts I'm I was not as careful back then when I relapsed because I had already been having secrets and not telling people how I was feeling and I was showing up as a stage character I was presenting a mask to people but I don't care how long I have sober it'll always be that bit just as big as a threat relapse happens when I'm not thinking about relapse it happens in those quiet moments when I am not focusing on drinking it just comes out of nowhere so I need to be in a position where I'm not thinking about relapse and I'm not being vigilant of that no matter how long I have in recovery it gets easier yes the voice gets quieter in my mind about hey that's a good idea you should drink the voice gets quieter but it's always there the potential for relapse is there any time doesn't matter how long I have in recovery so I want to bring it back to you you're going to get through this summer the first one is usually the hardest there's a lot of firsts and recoveries first patio is a first in recovery first rave sober first barbecue sober first cookout sober whatever you want to call it whatever your thing is there's always going to be firsts but once you get through that first one then you know how to get through the second ones and again it comes with practice and repetition learning your triggers and oh being on king street triggers me so I got to be hyper aware I got to start talking to god earlier I got to start praying or calling people in recovery when I get triggered because I'm going to get triggered on king street just happens I used to party there a lot I spent a lot of time drinking and using on that street and those bars and bar hopping respect that I'm going to get triggered on king street it just happens I used to party there a lot if you're sitting with a soda water or a virgin drink or a non-alcoholic beverage this weekend feeling like a stranger at your own table I've been there man I know what that feels like you're not doing it wrong you're just learning new situations you're learning you're adapting to your environment as a new sober person your identity is still forming because you for a or the guy who always has the bag. That was me. I always had the bag on me. I always had drugs on me. You're leaving that past behind. You're peeling off the layers of the onion and you're becoming a new person, a new version of yourself. You're building a new life. Go easy on yourself. It's not, none of this stuff is easy, but it is simple. So leave a comment below or send me a message about your patio story or your summer drinking story or how you stay sober, how you relapse. I want to hear from you. If you liked this episode, please follow on Spotify. I have a lot of people that are listening that aren't following. I would appreciate if you could follow and rate the podcast and the same with YouTube. I love every single one of you. Remember, recovery is simple, but it's not easy.

Podcast Summary

Key Points:

Patio season is a uniquely triggering time for people in recovery because social drinking environments appear joyful and inclusive.
Even with significant sobriety time, intrusive thoughts of envy and jealousy toward drinkers can appear suddenly and unexpectedly.
Recovery requires accepting that you cannot control your first thought, only your second thought and your actions.
Grief in sobriety is often about missing the ease, comfort, and permission alcohol provided rather than the substance itself.
Practical strategies include eating beforehand, planning an exit, texting a sober friend, and knowing your order in advance.
Urge surfing helps manage cravings by recognizing that they peak within 20 to 30 minutes and then subside if not fed.
Leaving before the social vibe shifts into heavy intoxication is one of the most important protective habits.
Staying connected to your own recovery program is your responsibility, not your friends' job, no matter how long you have been sober.

Summary:

Anthony describes a personal moment when he felt jealous watching a stranger get into an Uber, illustrating how irrational and sudden triggers can be. He emphasizes that recovery is not about avoiding life but about entering situations with the right motive and spiritual grounding. The episode offers practical advice including eating before going out, deciding your exit plan in advance, texting a sober friend for accountability, knowing your drink order beforehand, choosing strategic seating, and using urge surfing to ride out cravings.

Anthony also discusses the grief of missing the ease and permission alcohol provided, and the importance of sourcing that internally through practice. He stresses that staying connected to recovery is a personal responsibility, not a friend's job, and that relapse remains a threat regardless of sobriety length. He encourages listeners to go easy on themselves, embrace firsts, and remember that recovery is simple but not easy.

FAQs

Why is patio season particularly challenging for people in recovery?›

Patio season is triggering because it combines warm weather, social drinking, and a relaxed atmosphere that can evoke envy or a sense of missing out. It arrives quietly, unlike major holidays, and can catch people off guard.

How can I handle cravings or obsessive thoughts when I'm at a patio?›

Try urge surfing: notice the craving without fighting it, and ride it out like a wave. Cravings typically peak within 20–30 minutes and then subside if you don't feed them.

What practical steps can I take before going to a patio to stay sober?›

Eat a meal first, decide on your exit plan, text a sober friend, and know what you'll order in advance. Choose a seat away from the bar and facing the street to reduce triggers.

What should I say if someone asks why I'm not drinking?›

Keep it simple: 'I just don't drink' or 'Alcohol doesn't agree with me.' You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation, and most people won't care as much as you think.

How do I deal with feeling out of sync or bored while others are drinking?›

Remind yourself of your motive for being there—enjoying conversation, supporting a friend, or getting out of the house. Force yourself to be silly and outgoing without alcohol, and take a bathroom break if needed.

Is it okay to skip patio events altogether in early recovery?›

Yes, sometimes the better answer is simply not to go. Early sobriety isn't about proving anything; the patio will still be there later when you're more prepared.

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