Stavros Halkias Returns

(bell dings) Wave. - It used to be, when a young, like when a young hot woman would date an older, accomplished man, it was like a professor, a lawyer, like a captain of industry. Someone she could learn something from. And like, I'm dating women, young, you know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, George Clooney was actually Batman. I don't know if you knew that. (laughing) Like, that's what I'm teaching her about. (upbeat music) - Stop. - Hell yeah. - What's going on, brother? Not much, dude. Nice to be here, world headquarters. - Hey, we're leveling up. - I love this. - We have a lot left to do. - Yep. - Obviously you're shitting against a plain blue wall. That's not gonna work, right? That's gonna need to be fixed. - What are we thinking? - Well, I got a lot of ideas, but one thing I was thinking is kind of doing like a. What we wanna do is kind of like a cluttered like collagey wall of like a little thing. You know how a tiny desk has people like leaf stuff behind? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I wanna have something from Stavvy up there. - Oh, okay. I never guessed I'd want to be the first one. - Yeah, you'll be the first one. - Am I the first one who's recording here? - Yeah, yeah. - No, we've had a couple others talk. - Well, and we've been recording here for a while, but we're finally getting our shit together about like trying to make it an actual studio. - I love it. - Has there ever been a bobble head or a doll made of you? - No. (laughing) - I think a chubby little Stavvy bobble head. - Yeah, I mean. - Just in the background of a set. - I was gonna be offended that's immediately what you jumped to, but I am made for a bobble head. - You just look cute. - You look cute. - Yeah, little apple cheeks, little smile. I would be a great bobble head. - Come on. - Yeah, that's fun. - You're right, you're right. But I will make it, I will sell it. You don't get to sell my bobble head. - Oh, no, I'll sell it. (laughing) - No, I'll be selling it. (laughing) - No, no, I'll have your name, image, and likeness. When you walk through those doors, it's a silent contract. (laughing) Anybody who walks into the so true deal? - Yeah, when you agree on a lunch order, it's like, that's understood. Once you accept a sashimi, when you accept some salmon sashimi, you are also accepting the order. - Just throw your order in here. (laughing) - Do it as just this new thing where you have to sign. (laughing) - Yeah, put your thumb pretty. You have like an old iPad that takes the thumb print. Like, put that there, that's legally binding. - Yeah, hold on, I move an iPad around you and do a scan of your face. (laughing) - Try it with your eyes, try it with your eyes. (laughing) - Look up, we'll dip your face in this clay mold. (laughing) - It's part of the lunch order, just do it. (laughing) - Don't worry about it. - Anything for such a good teriyaki boss. (laughing) - Oh shit, you're gonna slick in this little slump. - Thank you, my friend. - It is track suit season, of course. - Of course. - I had to get, you know, my philosophy for fact, I fashion, once the equinox happens, once the clock's turned back, it's now officially track suit season. It's not Hawaiian shirt season. - Yeah. - It's sort of like fact, I fashion to me, it's like a rainy season in tropical climates. It's either the rainy season or the dry season. It's either Hawaiian shirts or it's track suits and we are firmly in track suit season right now. - Yeah. - I know we don't share that. That's not really a Midwestern fact, I think. - Yeah, track suits are, I feel very East Coast, fact, I coated? - Yeah. - It would be, it would feel like stealing valor. - Yeah, well, if I were being true to my roots, I guess it would be cover all season. - Yes, I like that with a thermal underneath. - Cover all season. - I don't feel any, I will steal Midwestern fat valor, no problem. - Yeah. - I'll get, I'll even steal, you know, Northern. I think that's the thing. We are lucky in the East Coast where the track suit, it is kind of like our thing, but I'll slip into it. I'll slip into a flannel, no problem. - Dude, I would love to steal-- - I would love to slip into that, no problem. - Well, you look great in a quarter, right? - Thank you. - I'd love to steal Baltimore Fat Guy Valor. I just, I'm not nearly scummy enough. - Like I don't, there isn't inherent wholesomeness to you. - You know? - That would look fucked up, it would look like you, it would look like you're doing a soprano's costume. - Yeah, it would look like Halloween. - Yeah, yeah. - If I tried to do that. - Yeah, I just can't, like I mentally can't even, I'm an actor, I'm a creative, but like, I mentally can't imagine that like, my third DUI is giving my lawyer a problem. - Yes, yes, yes. - A child custody course. - Of course. - Like I don't have that, like. - And those are your limitations as an actor, I hate to say. - Yes. - If you were a better actor, you could pull it off. - And I'm not, that's the problem I wish. - I wish I had range, I don't, I don't have range, I just don't have it in me. - That's all right, one day you'll get there. - Yeah. - There's just something in your eyes, your two, there's a kindness that you have that you're gonna have, that's gonna have to be beaten out of you to really make the tracksuit work. - Okay, you know? - What do you think that's gonna take? Like how do I? - Heartbreak, inevitable heartbreak, I think it's gonna happen to you. I think you love too much. And I think someone's gonna let you down in a major way. - I think, I think you're just too nice a guy. - I've got great news. (all laughing) - Hey buddy, good news. - I gotta take the close friends. - Yeah, I'm missing something. - Text me before you come on the show. (all laughing) - I know I went through chains on the booking. - You shoot me a text before you come on the show. (all laughing) - Yeah, it's just the world beating you down. I mean, we're all, you know, I feel great. I was thinking of this, I'm like a husk of myself. - Are you? - Yeah, I mean, you know, your hopes and dreams have been, I mean, I've gone good, but I mean, you achieve things and then you're like, oh, that's not gonna make you happy. The things you missed out on in your mid 20s, you never get those back, you know? - What's haunting you? - I don't know. - Be honest with me, what's haunting you? 'Cause it's hard to hear you say you're a husk of yourself when you're sort of like a handsome millionaire. - Sure. - I just, I was over so much. - We were starting with so much. - By the way, I mean, I just saw you, I just saw you, and the most recent thing I saw you in my phone was a clip of you sitting next to Emma Stone being like, I don't really know how I got here, guys. (all laughing) - Maybe ask him a question. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Things are going great. - That was funny. He did the moderator at a Begonia Q&A started with me and I was like, you can't, you this is bad. (all laughing) I was like, I don't wanna tie into your job, but start with Emma Stone. - Yeah, I'm the last guy, I'm the fun little, I'm the fun guy for, you know, just a little color on the way out. - They brought me along to spice up the in-between takes. - Of course. - That's what I'm here for. - No, I don't know, you know, I think that's what life is. It's every year, something happens to you that someone's speakable tragedy happens every like three years to everyone. I mean, the world's bad, somebody dies, that doesn't deserve it. You know, heartbreak, what are you like? You realize you're never really gonna understand certain family members and that's okay. And certain things that would make you, like shit that would happen when I was 19, if like realizations that if I had had when I was 19, I would weep for days. Now I'm like, this is gonna make this Stallone movie a little more annoying to watch. Like, you know what I mean? Like, once you've been through horrific shit, you're like, whatever, life sucks dick, but it's, we'll make the best of it. - Well, you have, it's resilience. You develop, you develop, don't have positive side. - Yes. And you don't expect much, that's the thing. You don't expect much than whatever you get is awesome. - Yeah. - That's kind of how I look at it. - There's a really funny Marin Bitt in one of his specials that we loved in college where he, with Chance and I and our buddies, where he came out with a notebook for his special. And he was like, yeah, I came out with a notebook 'cause like, you know, if I didn't really prepare for this. - Yeah, yeah. - You know, if I, he says something on the lines, like if I don't prepare and it's awesome, then that's amazing. I'm a genius. And if I did, if I didn't prepare and it sucks, I didn't fucking prepare for it. - Right, right, right, right. - That's not even about life. I'm like, if it's amazing, I locked out it's the gross thing ever, if it sucks totally. - Yes. - Expected that. - Absolutely. - How surprised do you think people are to be tuning into this podcast and seeing two waters on the stools? (laughing) Like, what do you think that's, what do you think that's doing for people right now? - I think people don't understand that you're in for a long production day. You know, that there will be milkshakes after, like right behind here, there's two coffee culottas. - There's an emergency. (laughing) - In a big 64-ounce battle. - Emergency shake-shack, back here. (laughing) - I start fucking convulsing. Like put a piece of candy bacon in his mouth fast. - God. (laughing) - You were at the snacking bacon from Duncan. - I have had some, yeah, I'm a big Duncan guy. When I was a paralegal, there was a Duncan Donuts. - What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I don't think I knew this. - Yes, I wasn't, I lied to get the job. I hadn't actually graduated college and I was just trying to save money for moving to New York. There was a Duncan Donuts, my two scummyest jobs. There was a Duncan Donuts as a paralegal across the street. I had, you know, four breakfast sandwiches every day with like, you know, it seemed like I was ordering for the office every time I was in there. Just late, just fully, it's 9/15 and I'm at the back of the drive-through line, you know? And then I was a telemarketer in high school. There was a Wendy's next door and I fucked up, June, I mean, I was eating junior bacon cheeseburgers like they were pigs in the blanket. - Dude, I'm taking down, I'm taking down 20,000 spicy chicken nuggets for Wendy's. - With their like horrible cupped rings. - Yeah, oh yeah. - Every time I see one, I'm with you on that. - A frosty, no problem. - The frosty's the best. - I love it. - It's the best. - I really love it. - It's the best, it's the best like after dinner. It's like a paratief as far as I'm concerned. - Yeah, well, you're a man of class in Texas. I've always said that about you. - Thank you so much. - What, I was thinking about 2026. 2025 winding down. - It is. - 2026, what do you think 2025 was about for you and what is 2026? What are we thinking about the year changing right now? - 2025 was just, again, me sort of giving up and losing to the world, like completely letting my bounds. - What happened? - What happened? - It sounds fake 'cause I'm complaining about just like incredible opportunities, but I had like this thing where I was like, dude, I don't know, show business can suck my dick. I'm a person, I'm gonna take time for myself, and then I was just like, yeah, I'll just do whatever you say, Mr. Show Business, I'll fucking, I'll do everything. I won't be a healthy person, I'll, I thought this was, I mean, every year's the year I'm like, I'm gonna put it together, I'm gonna get mentally healthy, physically healthy, I'm gonna reconnect with everyone, and I've just been busy as fuck. I mean, it's just like, it's so boring 'cause I'm like, I got to be in an awesome movie, and I got to do press for it, and I got to shoot, just shoot different stuff, like I just have been, I just like, just so hard of being such a hot commodity. (laughing) You know, something, you know, I'm sure, soon you'll understand Caleb, I'm sure, you know, you're getting there, I think eventually, nothing, I'll try. I see a little movement, but not quite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm trying to get you. But yeah, just like, I really, I really pride myself on being the, like, I told you this, I was Joseph, how you'll just disappear to Europe or whatever, right? You just like, find yourself, what I eat, pray love, or whatever, and I wish I just would have just left for like two months and just like gone degrees. I said I was gonna go degrees for two months, I went for like three days between my London tour dates and my Dublin tour dates. I remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so whatever, I'm just, I'm literally like, my goals are to be less successful and be unemployed more basically. That's what I'm looking forward to for 2026. It's not looking good, unfortunately. I'm busy until like July, but we'll get there, yeah. You need to start saying no. You really need to. I do, dude. Just say no. I say no, and you would be, the things I say no to, that I'm like, I purely just can't do something that week, it doesn't, like, you have to start saying no, 'cause I know exactly what you mean. You were kidding about like, oh, I'm so busy, I'm so successful. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, no actual means. No, no, you were kidding. No, I'm actually kind of crazy. You know, the stuff I turned down is kind of insane, but yeah, go ahead. Just say no. Just say no, take some time off, dude. I will. I will. Do it for real this year. I will, I get. Fucking relax. What do you, I probably will. What are you working for? What are you running from? That's a good question. What am I running from? I mean, yeah, I don't want to be alone with my thoughts for even one second. I don't want to think about, I don't want to think about that question for even a moment. Get that away from me. Yeah. Yeah. Michelle, shout out, Queen. Yes. What's, oh. Oh, yeah. Michelle with the coffee order. Come on. Huge. Huge, huge win, because I fully thought this was a half hour later than it is. Yeah, you walked in and screamed at Michelle and said, Where the fuck is that going from? Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Um, yes, this will be, this is huge for me, a little cough a duch, but yeah, I don't know, man. The general stuff. What are we all, what are we all running from Caleb? You're energy this episode is one of my favorite ways I've ever seen you. Oh, yeah. Being, being like, being again, once you get the life beaten out of your eyes, have your fucking heart broken. What? How do you think we're all running from? 2025 was the year I got fucked and said, okay, thanks. Thank you, sir, man. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, maybe you're catching me a very introspective point where I'm like, fuck, the end of the year. End of the year. It is an end of the year situation. Do you know what you need to do? What's that? This is my prescription for you. Please. Okay. Mm-hmm. First of all, say notice some stuff. Go away. Relax. Sure. Perhaps we go somewhere together. We're gonna love it. We talked about this. We talked about that getting a cat together. Our fucking touch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's where we get the corduroy going. Baguettes out of the basket and shit. Come on. That's one thing we need to do. We need to go away. And then I know you might not want to hear this. I think you need to be faithful to a beautiful woman by the family and the home. I would actually like that. It's that. It's like, you see the fucking, I look in the future and it's like, man, fat bald comedian trying to get pussy from 25-year-olds, it's not a cool guy to be well into your 40s. No. I don't need that. And I'm like, and however, doesn't sound that bad at the same time, doesn't sound that bad. So I'm fighting, I'm fighting the like urge to just have a completely like no, like that's a life that's purely on my, what do you call it, like a hedonistic, I could live a very hedonistic lifestyle. Some might argue I do right now. And I don't want to keep that going forever. And I do want something, something with more depth, something that actually matters. My brother had a kid which has been fucking, like just watching my mom with my nephew is like the cutest shit of all time. I'm like, fuck, I'm really going to let this woman down by not giving her one of these. Yeah. Yeah. And now I'm like, maybe I'll just fucking knock somebody up. Now I'm thinking like, well, I'm doing pretty good, maybe I could just have a kid, my mom could have a, you know what I mean, like grand kid that's not really brought in the world with that much love. It's more like a convenience thing, but I probably won't do that. Dude, I went on a date with a guy the other night and he was telling me, he was like, oh yeah, I have this lunch tomorrow with this woman and I was like, you have a lunch tomorrow with this woman. Come on now. What are we talking about? And he goes, well, I got hit up by this company. He's a doctor. Yeah. And yeah, yeah, of course, and he was like, I got to be doctors now, huh? They do. Yeah. Is he like filler or whatever? No, he's, um, I get really mad. Yeah. No stop. We can do anything. That's where finally gets you after beating you for the first 20 minutes, that's what gets you. No, stop. Okay, guys, can, um, no, he's, he got hit up by this company that wants this, there's, there's these women in New York that are single, like business ladies that are fed up with waiting on a man to get it together. I hate. So they want a gig. They're seeking gay men. And what they do is they have you sign a contract. It's like you can only give me your sperm. You can't give it to any other women. I'll pay you. You can't step on the package. No. No, I think the price was like 15 or 20,000 for the sperm. Nice. And then she's like, once a year, there's like a contract, once a year, she'll send an update on the kid, once a year, he'll send an update on his health. If anything, it's come up. Wow. Like if you're, when you turn 40, if you get like profit cancer or something, they want to know. Holy shit. And it's like a whole contract deal. Wow. That's, I mean, that's, you want to talk about dystopian. I mean, we're talking like the girl bosses and gay guys just being like, yeah, fuck it. We don't need, we don't need, it's like, how about you just both have families? The fuck are we doing here? We've got spreadsheets on whether you have cancer or not to your kid. You get a postcard of your fucking DNA once a year. That's not. It's beautiful. Yeah. That's it. The advice you gave me, you should give to them. To them, settle down, be careful. By the way, how mad do you think, how mad would those women be if I show up to one of those lunches? Well, like I hit some tall gay guy, fucking toothpick hanging out of your mouth. Hey, you know, we could save a lot of bucks. We do this the old fashioned way. I got 12 minutes right now, sister, what do you say? You ever seen "Pugonia"? I'll give you half off the cheese if we do it old fashioned. You know, sometimes you order food. It's cheaper to pick up instead of deliver. Actually, that's my deal. Hey, you got any girlfriends. I'll do you half off as well. I'll do for one deal as well. Like, one for five five five deal dominoes. I do that for my load. Win photographer set up a studio session and people come in 20 minute rounds for cheaper head shots. Flash tattooing with giz. Yeah, I think we can work that out. Yeah. Cool. That is interesting though. Yeah. I know. But you're right. You're ultimately correct. And I think that's the one thing that's, because the thing is like, once you start, the odds of getting successful in like shit like this is just so low. But once you're here, it's like, you get the shot and you can keep doing it. That's kind of easy, right? What's hard is to just be a human being and like connect with a person and want to build a life with him. And that's, to answer your question, that is what I'm running from, I think. 100 percent, but here's the problem. You meet someone and they're great. And it's like, I could totally, we could totally put in the work here and build a life together. But every time something goes wrong, there's this nagging voice in your head that's like, there are a hundred people in my phone right now. Yeah, absolutely. And one of them. Yeah. Or who want to go on a date? Sure. It's this like the insidiousness of the app specifically is like, there's always another option. Yeah. I think true. That's my problem in general, too. It's like, I love quitting. Yeah. Quitting is the best thing of all. The relief of quitting anything. It's the best. Let alone a relationship. Yeah. Relationship. The best thing that quit ever. It's like, oh my god, I don't have to text any of these. Yeah. This is over. I don't have to care about another person. I don't have to be, you know what I mean? Yeah. And you're sad about it, too. But it's like, and that is clearly like the most psychological shit of all, you know, just like, I loved one being a, like, I couldn't, until like a year ago, I couldn't even intellectually fathom someone you love not being a burden. Yeah. You know what I mean? Okay. People are like, hey, that's actually good. Like, you want to love someone who also loves you. you they can make your life better. My therapist said that I was like, whoa, your family can make your life better. I would kill to be in your therapy sessions. Your therapist being like, love can be good. You being like, hold on. Wait a second. What? What? That's so fucking funny. I know it's pathetic that that was like of like, whoa, moment for me. Yeah, you know, it was. It's not pathetic. It's beautiful. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm not in therapy. I very clearly need to be. Wow. That's become a parent. I like that. That's a nice ag for you. Yeah. Being like, no, I don't need therapy. Everything about you as a guy who goes to therapy. What do you mean by that? You know, you're like in touch with your emotions. You have a lot of friends. You keep up with that. You're a caring guy. Yeah. No therapy is fascinating. I need to, I have, I need to go back to therapy. I always kind of like that you, you're nice. I know. I know. You're kind of like it. Yeah, yeah. I also don't, my big problem with therapy, I guess is I don't want someone checking it on me. Don't hold me accountable. Right. We try to be pretty tough. Yeah, they're like, oh, I thought you said three weeks ago, you were going to shut the fuck up. Yeah, exactly. What are you? No, I've had those moments where I just caught myself, like I just told, I told my therapist the live been workshopping for my friends. And he's like, that's not what happened. I remember. I was like, fuck. You know, and I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I slipped my mind. The lie I've been workshopping for my friends. Yeah, the lie had convinced myself was true. Yeah. Like that actually is the bet, the, the best part of therapy is like, you do get a guy who's like, no, what you've been lying to yourself over the last month to make yourself feel better about your actions is completely untrue. Not what happened. Yeah. Yeah. I was here. It was good. It was good to have the, I still haven't fixed my behavior. What was, are you going to tell us what the situation was? You're going to keep it fixed, we're going to, we're going to tuck that one. Oh, sorry, bro. It is cowardly. It is cowardly. It is cowardly. Give me a couple months. Maybe I'll come back. No, the number of times I tell a full story on the show and then immediately after the episode, after the guest leaves, I turned a chance to go cut that. And it's growing lately. Yeah. Yeah. This episode ends up being fucking 22 minutes long. We got all the, all the stuff we get off the meat out of there. Yeah. Yeah. It's just you being like, 2025 was hard. 2026 might rest. Yeah. Thanks, guys. At Stavvy, baby. Of course. Now, my new year's resolution every year has been double the bread, double the head. Yeah. And that's just kind of a guiding light where it's like, make more money, get sucked off more. Yeah. And maybe that's a problem. I mean, we're saying it out loud. Maybe that has been the problem at the height that that is how I've looked my life. Yeah. And I've mostly done it. Yeah, to the most part. Did you double the bread in the head this year? Would you say? Doubling has gotten tough. It's been, yeah. When you have a couple good years. Yeah. Doubling is a lot. Doubling is a lot. Like, you know, that thing where they're like, you want a billion dollars now, or a penny times two every day or whatever the fuck. You know what I'm saying? I know what I'm saying. The spirit of the, yeah, it's a thing. It's a, it's a thought experiment to show people the power of compounding things, of doubling things. Yeah. So that's why I'm saying doubling is maybe I've lost, I've probably didn't double this year. Yeah. But more bread more bread. Yeah, maybe just more bread more head is what it needs to be. Yeah. To a ball. Which is bread and head and moderation. Wouldn't that be sweet? Yeah. Let them get ahead. Marie Antoinette. Yeah. Is there anything there, you think? There is. Okay. I think for sure. I think for sure. I found a TikTok account on accident of a girl who her entire account is her like walking around and restating like classic like moral dilemmas. And it's she's like, she's like, so a train is going down a track. If you do nothing, it'll hit five people. If you switch it, it'll hit one. What are you doing? Sound off in the comment. And people are in the comments like debating like this age old moral question. I'm like, this is fucking psychotic. Yeah. That's your content. Yeah. And that people are like going for it. Honestly, good for her. I mean, yeah. She found a nice little niche. It's getting conversation started. Yeah. We're starting philosophy again in that lady's TikTok comments. We are the salon. The Parisians salon. It's not going well in the comments. It's not the kind of heightened debate that you imagine originally came out of that problem. Sure, sure, sure. You got to pull a lever, right? Let's talk. Let's talk. You want to do a try problem? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It really comes up on the show a lot. When I do your show, we're talking about like, what's the perfect size of titty or whatever? Is it great? A cup of nut boys? Great question. Yeah. And then on my show, we're talking about why you struggle with intimacy and what we would do in the trolley problem. I would pull you pull a lever. Sorry to that guy, but you pull the lever. You actually pull the lever. There's no question that you pull the lever. Yeah. To me, anybody who says don't pull the lever is a psychopath. If you have a gun, maybe you shoot the guy in the head because it's probably easier to die by gunshot than like being run over by a train. Yeah, I guess. You pull the lever and you shoot the guy in the head. That's the humane thing to do because it's probably less painful to die that way. You're adding. You're adding a thing that doesn't need to be added. You know, if you had the choice between being run over by a fucking train and getting shot in the head real fast, which would you choose? I think probably run over by the train. Really? Don't you think it would be just as quick? No, maybe it's no. I think it would hurt a lot. You think it would hurt? Yeah, I think it would hurt. I think it would be quick. I don't think so. I think you're very naive here. You think it's time to shoot? You get, especially if you're not expecting getting shot in the head. Yeah. If I'm like, all right, man, sorry. I'm going to just fucking pull the thing and then real quick, pop. As you're bracing yourself to get run over, you just get the sweet relief of a gun to the head. Yeah. I have a bullet to the back of your skull. Well, can I improve your idea? Sure. That you don't say, hey, man, sorry. I think you say to the guy alone on the track, you go, hey, I'm not going to pull the lever. I'm going to let it hit those other people. And he goes, then you shoot him in the head and then you pull, and then what if you're like, what if in the excitement of shooting him in the head, you forget the pull lever? You shot the guy and those four people run over real quick and shoot all them. Sorry guys, no time to pull the lever. It's better. It's better this way. Okay, interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. You ever stolen anything? Yes, certainly. I did a little shoplifting. For years, I would help myself to the hot bar in my grocery store as I was shopping. Oh, yeah. I had a lot of fried catfish on the giant on 33rd in Baltimore. Just would fill up a tin of fried catfish and just snack as I'm shopping, throw it away. Yeah, eventually they got rid of the trash cans and I had to just hide the thing somewhere. Yeah, I would hide my trash. But that's classic. I would take a, I would have a lunch in dessert. I would take some kind of kind bar or something. And then I shoplifted a couple t-shirts by accident. Like, you know, when you walk out of a store, like I was just holding it and I accidentally, like, walked out of a store and nothing buzzed and I was like, my going back. Yeah, exactly. So a little bit of that. I only survived Chicago for a number of months by stealing from the whole food top bar. Yeah. I just, and it's not even like, oh, I'd like nibble on a bag of grapes while I shopped. It's like, I'll walk in with history chicken. Walking, take a whole box of food, fill it as full as I could and then go over to the, I would buy like a fucking protein bar or something that was like three bucks put the thing on the thing as like a pre-mix salad or something like I would technically still pay four bucks, but it was like $25 worth of hot bar food. Love that. And that's just how I survived for a while. I love that man. Also, I would steal from, I stole a lot of lamps and like bigger furniture items for stores by putting it on the bottom of the cart and then just not checking it out. And only one time did they ever say anything. I'd be like, oh, it was all bought. I was on the bottom. But every other time I stole it, I got away with it. I love that. I used to love stealing. It's fun to steal. Oh, my God, it's a blast. Yeah. I never stole from a small business. Smart. Yep. Yep. I only stole from the big guys. What if it was a real piece of shit, small business? I would. I just never met one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I never met a piece of shit, small business that I also could steal from. Right. Right. Right. Because I'm thinking of like Greek, like carry out, like the people that would have small restaurants. Yeah. So like, listen, I get we shouldn't, if you choose between big business, small business, steal from a big business, but some small business owners or pieces of shit too, steal. They just, they would be Amazon. They're just too stupid. They would love to fucking exploit their workers. They just don't know how to do it that much. You steal from small businesses? No, I don't actually, but I would serve the Instagram post recently of some small Asian woman standing next to you and going, we love it when Stovey comes in. Oh, yeah. That's my, yeah. That's my, that's my, there's the Vietnamese spot right by my house in Baltimore. Oh, yeah. I'm there a lot. She was, I know I looked back and she, like she posted you a lot. I'm there every time I get a bowl of eight, the cost is a picture, a picture that goes on the Instagram. Yeah. Which is fine. Yeah. Shout out to them. I love it. I, you know, I actually have to fight her to pay. Yeah. She won't let me pay. And now her and my mama friends. It's really cute. I'm not getting treated like that in Kansas City. No. No. I mean, people were very nice, but you know what the nicest thing someone's done for me in Kansas City. What's that? Recently, I was at a bar. I was reading a book at a bar that I like and the bartender very clearly was a fan. She didn't say a word. She brought me the drink that I asked for. It was a CBD drink, or THC drink that she mixed into like some kind of cocktail, whatever. Brought it over, it was delicious. And then she's not gonna last by the way. What's that? CBD cocktail's not gonna last. No, that bar is already shuddered. That won't work. They're closing soon. They've already started doing theme nights. It's like, our business is failing. It's like screaming out of the place. No, but I love the place. Three very drunk girls came in and were bothering me a lot. Like coming over and like touching me and like taking pictures without asking, taking videos of me from across the bar. Kate that. And they tried, their next move was they tried sending a bunch of drinks to me. And the bartender, the bartender goes, "Hey, how about we just let him have a nice night, huh?" Yeah. And like turned them off of me. That's awesome. It was one of the coolest and nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Yeah. But I'm not getting freefall. No freefall. I'm not getting, when I go to the fall place, they are straight up kind of mean to me. (laughing) Like I went recently and ordered, I sat at the table, I was reading my book, I was alone, and I ordered at the fall place in my neighborhood that I love. I go, I sit, I order, and I'm sitting at a table inside, right? She brings it all over to go. And I was not, there was a bunch of people in there. Yeah. Did they bring you water? No. I go, can I get a water and some bowls? I'm gonna eat this here and she goes (beep) and then like went and got it. Well, I will say probably, that's a lot of real estate for one guy. It was a two person table, so. Okay, all right. I tip big. I know, and they're wrong, right? They're wrong. But I do, I have also gotten fat, like I've gotten that kind of fat discrimination when it's like a tight spot, and they're like, that's a four top. Yeah. (laughing) There's a different group comes in. That's four mouse feet. And they do the math. They do the math. Yeah, they're like, it probably will be close, but I'll take my, you know. Those eats, can any people would not eat as much as I'm going to? Probably not, but they might get cocktails. They will. Real cocktails. And that's where, yeah, and that's where you make your money. Yeah. But you didn't, you didn't deserve that. And I think if anything, if the fat man can't be respected at all, eatery. Right. Where can we be treated? Where do we have left to go? Yeah. Yeah. Let my people go. DXL, of course. Oh my god, DXL. DXL, it's a special place. I love it, man. Do you know what I'm loving lately? What's that? The gap. They're making good sweaters over there. Really? People are scared to talk about this. Yeah. And it's about time. The gap is making good sweaters. You know, I think I missed, I was so used to no one having fat sizes that I've just been cloistered at DXL for seven years now. Yeah. And I've emerged seeing that the one thing about capitalism is like, all right, they're realizing everyone's fat is shit in America. Yeah. So now the gap does have fat boy sweaters. The lands end, you know, you can get a 3x4 XL at these places. Yeah. I have to dip back out, see what else is out there. You know what I would like. What's that? If you gave me a couple hundred bucks and just let me shop for you, I would love that too. Let me give, let me get you in an outfit. You really are the like the, the diagram of gay and fat and stylish, very, that's like, you might be the guy. It's not much of us. It's not many of us. Because I did, I did, I hired a gay guy to basically go shopping for me and it changed my life. I got a stylist for like, you know, just, they provided a stylist for the, I did Seth Meyers and hilariously the, the focus features, which is like, yeah, we'll get your style. So I was like, that's so funny. Absolutely. All right. Yeah. And yeah, it was awesome. He, he just, it was just like a guy who had taste and knew about clothing brands I had never heard of. Yeah. Told me about, you know, I'm now wearing my jeans higher. Yes. You know, that's one thing. That's been a big change getting my fucking pants up here. Put them up there. Make the silhouette better. Put them up there. Wink them those legs, baby. Yeah. Does lengthen the legs. Wink them those legs. I'm feeling very powerful. I want to dress you. I would love that. For at least one event. Yeah. I would love that. I want to style by one event. I want to. That we should do, we should both, we should dress each other. Yes. You're coming, you're coming in the fucking tracks. I'm going to get you the right tracks. We're going to track suit. Yeah. I love that. That wouldn't be awesome. He's the man. He was so funny. And he was like, he sets you up. It doesn't feel like a, you know, like a weird show. Yeah. I was, I've never done any of that. Like, I've talked for a thousand of hours, but you just, we just have never, we skipped all that shit. Yeah. So it was nice to do that show. And he's very funny. He's very funny and nice and hospitable. I felt you went on, you and I went on right next to each other. Back to back. I grew on very close. It was the first time I had done a late night show too. And I watching some clips from your interview, I was like, felt the same way that I felt seeing myself there that I was like, it's kind of funny they have to do this totally. Absolutely. It's kind of funny. They have to have us on. But he actually seems pumped to have comedians on. I think so. Yeah. I think there's, I don't know. I haven't done any other shows, but it's like, he, there was like a glee. I also know what it's like when I do a bunch of fucking podcasts and I'm like, oh, when I just have certain people that I know are just going to riff, I'm like, we're on autopilot. It must be not like, it must be so much easier to talk to us than like somebody on a fucking GW. That's the thing, dude. You watch these fucking interviews and you're like, all these late night interviews. The celebrity. Yeah. The celebrities who weren't very good at being celebrities. There are some celebs that are just worn for this show. Absolutely. And then there are celebrities where you're like, they're like, yes, I'm very excited about the project. Yeah. And it's like, whoa. Yeah. This is painful. And then they have like a couple vetted things. My dog loves cookies, and that's like the punchline. I was in the airport and someone thought I was Julia Roberts, but of course I'm not. Yeah. It's like fucking Jesus Christ who wrote these stories for you. Yeah. It's such a nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm ready to go. I got bitch, baby. You just, I'm coming, whatever you want. I'm back. You do have bits. Go in there with bits. You should have us on there together. That would be great. I would love that. My thing is I don't ever want to go on an eight-night show without a gag. I did a little gag for Seth. I brought him some leftover food as like a bit love that I want to be, I'd like to go on in full costume sometime. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Every time you see me on an eight-night show, I would like it to be like make stilters great about that. Make stilters great. So funny at that. But that's the thing is I think we all are I think our goal, whether it's just by riffing or if it's like some silly gag or whatever, our goal as like our generation of comedians needs to be to make this shit fun again. Yeah. Cause it's lost. Yeah. Absolutely. Well, there used to be no podcast and that was a good fuck like the Johnny Carter show was good when it was like Bert Reynolds just like or just somebody saying inappropriate shit. Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking talking wild shit or like I clips will come up and it's like someone just doing bar jokes. Yeah. It's just like they're just saying fucked up. It's just so funny that was on TV and it's just being a good time. It's like, yeah, for the next for the next eight months, well, where late night shows exist. Let's make them fun. The end of the era. Yeah. Let's make them a good time. Absolutely. What was I thinking when you were saying that the going on and doing bar jokes? Oh, well, you know, the Quentin Tarantino thing that he's going after Paul Dano. Bizarre. Bizarre? But guess what? And by the way, I love Paul Dano. I kind of love it. I'm like, let's bring back public beef. It was exciting with you. People took sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm on Paul Dano's side. Yeah. I think this is nice. That's fun. This is juicy and good. I agree with you. And people were getting people that never knew that Quentin Tarantino is a foot freak or like learning that now. You didn't know that. It's like, you didn't know that. Who didn't know that? Oh, right. Yeah. Like young people on the internet. Really? And I'm like, this is exciting. Yes. Everyone's for gets drug into it. It's a bizarre take to Paul Dano's incredible. Paul Dano is so good in that. He was so good in that movie. He's good in everything. Yeah. And by the way, like bothers, nobody totally. Like goes and acts like a nice guy to disappear. Yeah. Like kind of just does this thing. So Prano's legend. We weird guy to pick a fight with. Totally. But it was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you. It was cool. It was cool to have a little beef. Everyone's like, is Daniel Day Lewis going to say something? And he did. He had Paul Dano's back. That was awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I like Baldwin like made a video. Hell yeah. Did you see that? I didn't. He's like in his car and he's like, love Paul Dano. Out. He felt like he was like doing something massive. I'm like, this is good for the culture. Yeah. I agree with you. Let the men fight. Messiness is nice. It's fun. Yes. It's fun. Shitting on people is nice. There's like a little too much media training that now because, and I think it's because everyone is on camera, essentially 24/7. You can't stay media trained though. Yeah. The cracks are going to show. It's just hard watching like very talented actors that have worked for generations at this point. Being like, I'm very excited to do the project with Kim Kardashian. Yeah. Come on. Tell the truth. You hate that you have to act with her. You hate it. We hate watching it. Yeah. None of us can escape, but it's where we are. But come on. I know. Tell us you hate it. You hate it. Yeah. Be like, it was a paycheck. It's fucking sucks. Yeah. She can't even speak to her. She has to go to chat GPT to respond to you whenever you ask her, hey, Kim, how was your day? She asks her AI assistant before addressing you. I did my thing. I tried to act the role. She was kind of just there on set. It was really bizarre. Yeah. This is what I would like to hear. She's not very good. She's not very good. Do you think Timothy Xiaomei, do you think he escapes the Kardashian curse? Because it's pretty rid, like I don't like to, you know, but it's like Lamar Odom, Kanye. It really is like an insane thing where does anyone come out of dating a Kardashian unscathed? Timmy's our strongest soldier. He might be the guy who gets through it. He might be the one who gets through it. Yeah. interesting. I don't know. My screen was awesome, by the way. I haven't seen it yet. It's so fucking good. I love Timothy Shaolin, though. He's incredible. I'm not shitting on him. I'm literally saying is he sure? Is he the chosen one? Yeah. Because like, because like Kanye now it's insane, but it's like Kanye was so it was like, whoa. It was like, he's, he felt at the time like, oh, maybe Kanye will get through it because he was before going insane. Yeah. Just the greatest, you know, rapper of generation arguably. Yeah. Timmy is now like the fucking, he's the man. He's so good. It was so good. I'm already screaming. He's been so good at all the shit he's doing. But it's like, can he survive it? Is the swag, is the white boy swag strong enough? I don't know. I hope so. I hope so too. I hope so because I love his work. Me too. I want him to talk a little less about how much he wants to win awards. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I like how Ernest C is about wanting to be great at what he does. Yes. I think that's fucking cool. I think so too. I'm liking that. And he's great at it. Oh, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is it in theaters already? I think it's coming out this week. Yeah. I went to a little advanced screening. Do you go to a lot of, I got invited to that, but I don't go to those. Do you like going to those? I do. I mean, I just wanted to see that movie so fucking bad that I was like, I'll see it. I need to see it as quickly as possible. Yeah. It just depends on them. Now, avatar advanced screening, I will not go to, I will see that on the biggest screen possible. Yeah. I will see that on mushrooms. Yeah. I don't want to be around colleagues. I want to be 70 millimeter iMacs fucking like this. Yeah. I want to be like the cartoon of what they say the future is going to be like. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be a wally. you know, like one of my favorite movies that you were sorry, baby, right? That's like just great movie. Somebody who had a vision who it did. I don't know how much it cost, but it probably wasn't that much. It was like a one-locke, pretty much a couple locations. And it was really like a tour driven, right? David Victor. If you haven't seen it, go see it. So they did an incredible job. Incred- like truly like an ins- because like I'm trying to make movies and it's like it was also cool because Ava was just, it was someone who was on the internet kind of popped off like front. It was cool to see somebody else get out of the internet trenches and make a really good movie. Like, look, my movie was fine. Go see it. It's on Hulu right now. But that was like a, they directed it. It's an art piece. It wrote it, starred in it. And it's like shit like that. And it's like, yeah, even like your movie that just, you know, trash mountain, like let's start a cult was like just a trial of making a movie. But I do think we're hopefully in for people just kind of making smaller movies to get their voices out there. And that like, yeah, our fans hopefully will support it and start like a little like sort of like that can be the like Tinder to just like make it blow up and more people to see it. Also our fans have got you have to if you're if you're somebody who likes it, not even just you and I. Yeah. But like if you're somebody who wants to see an indie film revival, if you're somebody who wants to see projects that are actually good getting made, you have got to like you have to go see it. You have to spend money on it. Yeah. Yeah. You have to also talk about it. You have to make TikTok. For sure. You have to fucking, I don't you have to fucking do like a fucking viral dance trend. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to like, if you want us to be able to do this shit, like when trash mountain comes out, I'm going to be more annoying than I've ever been. Yeah. About asking people, please fucking go see this in theaters. Yeah. Right away. Please post about this if it gets to go to theaters. Yeah. Like there has to be we're going to do our part to try and make it happen. But if you want to see something other than just like 14 celebrities, each getting paid $20 million to do a movie that goes straight to Amazon Prime, you're going to have to like get in the trenches with us a little bit. It's true. But that is I will say it's also a little exciting to me because it's like, who cares? Like the way I look at it is that every part of my life shouldn't have like I everything has been like shouldn't have happened. Everything's I've been lucky to get all this shit. Everything's been hard. So it's like, fuck it. Let's make getting movies hard. I don't give a fuck. Yeah. We'll make it. We'll figure it out. We'll do something that's even if I don't get to do anything but like small movies that I have to pay for myself. It's like, that's fine. I don't need anything. What I want to do is make stuff. And so I think I kind of just think we're we're almost like reverting back to films like like media is kind of reverting back to like the 20s or some shit or like the or even like or other ways the 70s where it was like the first wave of like, you know, kind of like weird indie film, whatever. But I'm happy to like I also think there's a world where you can tour movies like go and do it like from city to city and like try and get the word out that way. And so I've been working on trying to figure this out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love to talk about it because I do I we discovered some stuff on let's start a cult that I was like, oh, the next one I've really I really know how this could work. But it's all I mean, at the end of the day, it sucks that all the money is going to these huge mega conglomerates. But it's like that almost makes it exciting for artists to be like, we'll actually show you that we can beat you by just actually making good stuff. And so it kind of gives it actually gives me a little purpose to not be the I started talking about what a husk how I feel like I'm barely a man. But it's like this. I'm like, fuck yeah, let me make a movie of dick joke so stupid that it defeats a trillion dollar corporation. That's cool to me. That's like a cool way to like look at making art. It's nice to have an adversary of that's trying to suck, you know, an artistry out of what we do. So I'm cool either way. I think we'll be fine. I'm I'm so indie film revival, indie TV revival. I'm so ready for it. And also the nice thing is like I wish that more people who made money doing shit like this. One of the issues right now is that so many internet people who who make a good living doing internet stuff, they don't have any aspirations outside of it. They just want to pay their bills. I'm trying to get more of those people interested in making art because I'm like, yeah, we're the people who can actually do it because our bills are paid. Like let's go like fucking make yeah, let's all pitch in money and go make a movie that we believe in. Absolutely. Instead of just doing another brand deal or whatever do those two. That's how I look at is like this is the like the way to pay for like cooler shit. And I love doing it. Like I've got no place where I love doing the podcast. And but it's yeah, we're somehow an American podcasting is the only industry that makes money. I don't know how that happens. It's insane. It's like the most profitable thing. Like I really feel like my artistic career. I feel like my own. I feel like my podcast. Nepo baby where it's like I get to do like whatever I want because my podcast pays for everything. You know, like my podcast is my rich husband. And I get to and like making movie making indie movies or even my stand up tour. Even like people now people know me as a stand up. But it's like at first people knew me from a podcast and I had to trick them into like stand up. And so it's like, yeah, I look at it that way where it's like, yeah, be your own fucking. Nepo baby. Like make some. Even if the fucking sucks art is for it's about the the act of creation. It's like at least do something interesting. So true is my my benefactor. Yeah, absolutely. It's my like it's my like you know how old rich people used to pay painters to just like paying tall days. So true is paying me to go and like make an indie film. Yeah, yeah, yes, yes. That's the that's the relationship. I love that. Yeah, you're you're you're changing is so true's diapers. Yes, you're feeding it apple sauce. I kiss it on the forehead. I tell it it's so handsome. You're so handsome. So true. Oh, your personality is what brings me here. By the way, can I go shopping? I want to make a movie. Wouldn't that be sexy? Can I rent some red cameras please so true. I put on some little lingerie asked so true if I can go on to her. Speaking of yes, stop it. What's so true to you today? Oh, I don't know why I didn't see this coming. You fucker. I've done this. You fucker so many. I was like this your terror time on the show, I think? Yeah, I was only done at once. I don't remember. This is my first time. What is so true to me? I guess despite life being a nightmare and you having to face endless tragedies, every time you get over one of those, you you're stronger and it makes the beautiful stuff in life that much more enduring all the dog shit makes all the beautiful things that much better. Like coming here to your pals, a new studio and talking about how empty life is, but that you do want to make indie movies. Yes, you know, it's a really good so true and I can't stress enough that I still don't know what's going on with you. It's good because it's very it's a very bite size. It made sense. Yeah. Written out. It won't look like the ramblings of an insane man. That's for sure. I thought you guys are speaking of because you're like, can I go on tour? I should plug my tour actually because I do have a ton of I have a ton of dates. I'm going to shoot a special at the end of April. Go to stavvy.biz. I don't know the dates, but I'm radio city. That's a big one in March. Come on, radio city. I'm going to be in Radio City. I'm going to be in Florida. I'm going to be in Ohio. I'm going to be in. Fuck, I should have prepared for this. You got anything, Shane? You got something for me? Cheers. I love, by the way, that this none of this is sounding like taking a break. I do say I was taking a break till July. I want you to take a break. Tampa, yeah, scroll down for me, baby boy, Red Bank, Philly, Burlington, Vermont. I think, yeah, Buffalo after that. Yeah. Ohio, Lexington, Kentucky, Des Moines, Springfield, Missouri, St. Louis, Cincinnati, Columbus, Minnesota, Rockford, Illinois, Mississippi. I didn't know about that. Beluxi, Mississippi, Radio City. Yeah, the old Beluxi, Mississippi, Radio City, Rowdy, shout out to Stobby's touring agent, who is killing it. Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, West Virginia, Fort Wayne, yeah, I'm all over the place. Milwaukee, Rochester, and then we're going to film the, we're working on where we're going to film the special, but I'm very excited for that too. So, yeah, please come see me and listen to Stobby's world, all that good stuff, all that good stuff. And before you go, you know, you got to play the game. You got to play through false. I haven't done it last. Yeah, let's go to play through false. All right, I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. Stobby, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Fuck, yes, dude. You ready? Uh-huh. Tab Soto was invented by the Mormon Church. False. False. The dog from Airbud is still alive. False. False dead. Seth McFarland was a writer for Johnny Bravo. True. True. Deon Sanders were number 36 for the Ravens. 37 false. Yeah, false. The Michelin man's real name is Curtis. False. False. Bibondom. Bats are blind. False. False. They can see and use that co-location. Oh, yeah. The official language of Brazil is Spanish. False. False. It's Portuguese. Portuguese. Hypnosis. The ancient Greek god of sleep. True. True. Some of these are some of these are gimmies. I mean, this is awesome. These are great. Texas is the largest US state by land mass. False Alaska. False Alaska. John Candy was 5-11. False. False. He was 6-2. Argentine. If you do it, if you're the first guest, if you're the first guest, you know what you're doing. Argentino won the FIFA World Cup in 2022. There was no World Cup in 22. False. It's true. - Fuck. (laughing) - I thought it was 24. - Maybe the most legendary run we've had though on the show. - Fuck. - American Eagle was founded in 1997. - I knew they won too, I just didn't know. I thought you were trying to trickle with 22. - Fuck you. - When was it, what'd you say? - False. - False 1977. Gerald Ford was a Republican. - True. - A group of bears is called a sleuth. - False. - True. Baltimore's Polytechnic Institute's fight song is polyfight song. - This is my fucking high school, you piece of shit. - False. - True. - Fuck. - 12? - 12. - With his hand in a row. Dude, I got real. I think if you were the first guest to get all 15, we have to end the show. - Yeah. - It just feels like-- - I could have gotten Argentina. I think there was no chance I would have got. And I might have, I was 50-50 on poly. I was sure bears was not sleuth. - Yeah. - You got that wrong. - You murdered that. - Thank you. - That's my boy. - Appreciate it. - Is there anything else you wanna puke stuff? - Just to come see me on tour, you know, I think that's pretty much it. Let's start a call to say. I mean, watch Bagonia if you haven't. But yeah, that's it. - I love it. Thanks for doing it. - Thank you, dude. - Always a pleasure. - This is the best. - Love you, bye. - Bye.