Stavros Halkias Returns Again

- Wave. - Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me. - Yeah, I do. - Maybe I could be friends, maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. - Yeah, those were my desires. - Two spice girls. - The dream. - Dude. - Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger's place and Scary's place? - Yeah, if they were boys. - All right, put yourself in my shoes. - And when we start recording, we can start talking about it, but have you thought about the conversion therapy brochures I've been sending you? - I have considered them. I think my big issue with them was how many you've sent? - Yeah, I mean, the volume over. - Yeah, and I am losing a lot of money on stamps. But I think it's important you physically see how much I think this is important for you. - Yeah, 'cause I can send emails, those will go to spam. - Yes. - But if I send you a postcard from Camp Not Gay anymore every week, I also don't love the name. - I don't know, I think it's clear concise to the point. I think it's not gay anymore, maybe a little mad. I was like, if you're trying to attract gay people, the marketing is gonna have to at least be slick. - No joke. Actually, we would be geniuses if we started a gay resort that was the theme was conversion camp. And it was like, you guys, everybody, in your bunks, no gay stuff. And then you're secretly in the dark, suck it and fucking. - You know so much about gay guys. - Yeah. - 'Cause I have constantly thought, like, look, in the next three to seven years when they do rounds up. - Of course, of course. - And put us in conversion camps, mandatory. - No, we've talked about this. - The sex is gonna be fucking hot. - So we've discussed this, but we've never harnessed the power of it. - Right. - We, me and you, going, find a plot of land upstate. - Yes. - And we create Camp Not Gay anymore. - Yeah. - And I think we're printing money, dude. - Yeah, all the guards are in like sexy leather outfits. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all dressed like Tom's of Finland, you know. (laughing) It's like that everyone that we're straight. - Yeah, that is clearly the gayest guys. It's just butch gay guys. - Yeah. - And that, you know, and that's the thing. It's like you suck each other off. But also, if you're a really good counselor, maybe you get to suck the count, or camp where you get to suck the counselors off. - Well, maybe that's like one of the tests. Is there like, we want to make sure this is working. - Right, right. - The guards are gonna fuck you when you're not allowed to live. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to frown while you're getting your ass fucked. - It's a really good idea. It would make a lot of money, the only issue you're gonna come up with. You're gonna come up against an issue that a lot of gay guys in New York have been dealing with for years. - Yeah. - Where are you gonna find these tops? - Where are you gonna find these alleged tops? - Oh, so this is a big problem, huh? - There's a top shortage in the gay guy community. - Get the fuck out of here. - I know. - Really? - Yeah. - Wait, so more guys are bottoms and tops. It's not a 50/50 situation. - It's not 50/50 at all. - What are the percentages? - No. - Gotta be 90% bottoms, 10% tops. - Really? - Yeah. - Okay, is this how we fix the male loneliness crisis? - Hello. - We tell guys, listen. - We get pussy's your number one choice. - Could we interest you? - Could we interest you at some pussy? - In a more used model. - Yeah. (laughing) - That comes at a lower cost. - That comes at a lower cost. - Yeah, cheaper, handles great. - Handles great. - Handles great. - Right, it's like a dream. - Oh, this is interesting. What if we could, okay. - Tell me. - There's gotta be guys who are like, you know, a little, like, mostly straight bisexual guys. What if we make a real push? It's kind of like in the Olympics, when a team, like Greece in the 2004 Olympics, we didn't have baseball players, right? 'Cause it's not in Greece, that's not their sport. So they went to like Greek Americans. They're like, hey, we'll get you your Greek passport. - Huge. - What if we get some mostly straight guys, their gay passport, and they can become tops? - This is already not the game anymore. Do you know how I'm not kidding you? - And it's a summer job, by the way. That's how we pitch it, it's like fellas. This is like, what are you gonna do porn? - Just for the summer. - For the summer, fuck some guys in the ass. Get your dick sucked. - They're gonna be awesome. - It's gonna be amazing. - And by the way, you might find out those percentages are a little more gayer than straight. - Yeah. - A couple of those guys might just end up finding their husband a camp, not gay anymore. - The camp not gay anymore? There's a bug on me. There are a lot of straight guys that are on Grindr. Just being like, they're bi-- It's like no face picture. - Right. - A torso pig. - And their bio is like, "Close you guys." - The only thing I do is fuck. - This is a great job for a closeted guy. - Yes. - You wanna get away from your bitch wife. - Come to camp not gay anymore. - Take them not gay anymore. Let me tell you something. Those fellas aren't asking you why you were out playing late, playing cards late. They don't give a fuck. They just wanna suck you up and send you on your way. - Yeah, okay. - I think we're fucking on to something. - I think 20 seconds ago is when I think you got too comfortable. (laughing) - I'm always looking. - I exist to comfortable. - I'm always looking for the moment when I'm like, okay. - Oh, this is me just getting started. - Yeah, you're way too comfortable with gay. And I'd say you're probably 40 pounds from me starting to watch some of the fat comments as well. - Oh, interesting. - If you lose about 40 more, I'm gonna go hold off. - First of all, 40 more, I would wait 240. (laughing) Okay, I'm 57. I could lose 100 pounds and still look fat. That's the kind of my skill, is that at any weight, I looked just fat, like just fat as shit. I was 350 and I looked, I looked bad, but I didn't compare it. - No, you didn't. - Well, 350, I didn't. - Don't say that. - 357, I did motherfucker, it's just the truth. - You did, you were hot. The beautiful women were throwing themselves at you. I've never understood it. - No, I know, that was tough. - But you were a beautiful man. - I feel so bad for them. - The girls that fuck me at 350. (laughing) - You think my dick doesn't work now. - Yeah, you brought this up. - You brought this up. - I mean, actually we're good now, my cock's actually. - Your dick's singing nice. - Okay. - But at 350. - She's humming. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's my, before I was like. (laughing) - No, they liked you at 350 with the same reason they like you now. - You're right, handsome. - You're a guy with a good personality. - I always handsome. - But yeah, yeah. - I was able to fake the good personality long enough. And then I busted, I was like, yeah. I got an early damn moral. (laughing) - Yeah, so you should probably get going. - No, I got, I got a podcast. I'm gonna pitch gay camp to my friend Kale tomorrow. (laughing) - No, you know, my life's long journey, if I have one, is to get you to settle down with a nice-- - I know that, and we'll get there, man. We're actually the closest we've ever been. - The last time I was here, the studio looked like shit, and I was bad too. - Studio didn't look like the police. - It was a fucking blank, fucking blue wall. - It didn't look like the police. - Who did you bring over to test out the lights, stars? - It looked like potential, but it wasn't. (laughing) - Anyway, now, and I was depressed, the studio, the studio, my psyche, were in the same situation, right? - Yeah, potential. - Now, it's beautiful here, and I'm doing a lot better. - Yeah. - The special uncle, stop. Please watch it, everybody on Netflix. I've worked very hard on it. It's kind of what I've been working on the last three years. With that motherfucker's out, and I'm done promoting it, I'm ready to find the wife. - When are you gonna be done promoting it? - Probably like the end of September. - Okay. - So, falling New York, listen, you set me up on some cute, a thumbnail dates with some beautiful women. I'm listening. - I'm playing project manager. - Why not? You just fucking said it's your lifelong fucking goal. - I know, but I didn't know that that's what it was gonna involve. I thought it was just kind of bringing it up on a podcast every seven months. (laughing) - I didn't know I was actually gonna have to put girls behind a fire. - I'm trying to make you, I'm trying to make you generation of wealth with camp not gaining more. And you won't even set me up with a couple girls, dude. - Would you cut me in? - Would you cut me in on like, if I found your wife for you, would you cut me in on some of the podcast profits or something? - Oh, interesting. - A little bit back for the king. - Every bit I do about my, in 10 years when I inevitably turn into like a, my wife won't even blow me anymore. - Yeah, yeah. - You get a piece of that. You get 10 points on the back end of those jokes. - You still taste for the boss? - Yeah. (laughing) - Well, no, no, no. It would not be, you are not the boss. I'm the boss. - I'm the boss, but I find the girl. - No, you're an affiliate who I'm kicking a little of my profits over to. - A little taste for the coffee. - You're basically, in good fellas, you're Raleota. - Sure. - You know, you're not made, right? - Yeah. - You're not, in this kid situation. - I'm not doing that. - I know, I'm scared to say shit like this to you because I know what it's gonna do to you. - The fellas is awesome, dude. - I want you to bring in those. - That's good. Then you'll love good fellas. - Okay. (laughing) - Then you'll love good fellas. It's so fucking good. - Are there like multiple of them? - There's one good fellas. - Oh, I thought there was multiple. - No, dude, it's an incredible movie. - What's their multiple of? - A lot of stuff. - Scarface? (laughing) - I don't know how to answer that question. - Scarface? - What is their multiple of? No, there's one scarface. - Doesn't one of the Italian guy movies have multiples? - The Godfather. - Godfather. (laughing) - That's how from Missouri, or you find a way to be racist towards Italians. (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah, for sure. - Get 'em out of here. - Yeah. - No, you would love it. What about Scorsese stuff in general? Scorsese stuff in general. Name a couple. Mean streets, the taxi driver. - The taxi driver I've seen. - What a banger. - Taxi driver I've seen. - Okay, this is awesome. This is a fun game. - Name something for your business. - And then you go next after me. Adele albums. - Adele, how many of you tapped in on Full Through? Page to page cover. - Page cover. - Cover to cover, probably zero. - See, that's fucked up. She's like, I've hit a couple of them. - She's a generational vocal talent. - She is a really great talent. - And she's an incredible performer. - I can't wait. I would love to see her. - You got to tell me. - Let's not forget that picture of her with the fucking braids. - I'm wearing the Trinidad. - No, it was just hilarious. - It did less than zero for me. - I do think she's a beautiful woman. Say you're like that. I was like. - Oh, tough. - Yeah, it's not true. - White woman embarrassment can really paper over thinking you're hot. - I think she had like, band two knots in. - Yeah, it was something she shouldn't be doing. - It was a really tough look. And it's like, listen. You need to do this in the privacy of your own home. - What you do in your mansion. - Paul are up to. I don't care. I don't care what you, but like this is not appropriate for people. People shouldn't see this. - It was definitely private situation. - Yeah. - It was a private situation that we saw. And you never want to see your heroes like that. - And she was so happy. - Me too. - She was on the top of his part. - She was on the top of her life. - We don't have to dwell on it. I'm a big Adele fan, you know, great, great pipes on that gal. - You gotta wonder how many co-sign she got from the right people before she allowed that picture to be taken. - That's a really good point. - You gotta think a lot of people that she trusted were like, you're good. - You look great. The closest people in her life let her down. - Where are those? - Yeah, absolutely. - You're good, we got you. - But she's bounced back. - Yeah. - She's doing good. - Oh, she's chilling. - She's hanging out as far as I know. - It hasn't been so long since the last one. - Yeah, how long has it been? - What, that came out the most recent album All Night Parking album came out what? Like three years ago? Four years ago? - No, wow, yeah. I think 2021. - 2021, wow, it's been some time. - Five, so we're ready. - We're ready. - Frank Ocean, we're ready. - We're ready. - Frank Ocean, it's called the podcast score. - Frank Ocean, it's like, come on, man. - What do you mean? - What are we doing here? - Oh, just the amount of time. - It's insane. - I thought you would be talented. - No, no, he's the man. - Okay, cool. Come on, Shadow Orange. - That'd be so scary. - I was like, not my cup of tea. - It would be like the first time that you and I had a real problem. (laughing) Like, I'm thinking of you saying, by being like anti-Frank Ocean and me being like, "No, me and stop would have to actually have like a reckoning." (laughing) - No, how could I be against it? - That's right. - That's right. - That's right. What else is going on with you? What's up in your life? Tell me you're honest. - You got your fucking arm fixed. - Arm fixed, flex. - What even happened? You like fucking lines? - I fell off your scooter. - I did, yeah, I fell off the scooter. - I was trying to get low calorie ice cream before it melted. (laughing) It was, my groceries were delivered while I was doing an errand. Oh, that's what I get for having low calorie ice cream. - That's what you get for low calorie ice cream. (laughing) - Should have had the good stuff. - You're in a platonic feeder relationship. You just want to keep me fucking fat. - I want to keep you big. - Yeah. - I can't listen way too. You think I like it? It's making me sick. - What's going on with you? What are you doing? - What about me? - Are you just active? Are you like, how are you losing the weight? 'Cause you keep saying it's a mistake. And that's actually what I don't believe. - You don't believe it's a mistake? - I think you're doing something and you won't admit it. You're ashamed. To you, it's way, you are ashamed that you are losing weight and kind of like it. It's really, this is the, - This is what I like it. - I think you, in one part of you does. Like earlier when I said I was 350, you're like, you were beautiful. That was a little of the Lady Doth protest too much. - You were hot at 350. You don't believe that I thought you were hot at 350. - I think, I think, I do think my stats at 57350, on paper, I do think I was the best other than like, I don't know, some fighter or something. I think Fat Guy at that weight, I held it well too, a nice, beautiful round. The way people are like, if you have a nice shaped head when you shave your head, it's nice. If you have a nice even circle as a Fat Guy. - It's a good one. - If you don't have a droop, if you don't have like one weird thing here, I was a fear, dude. I was a perfect year. - You don't believe that I find fat people attractive. - Oh, I think you do. - Okay. - But I think you also, here's what it is. 'Cause I'm with you. I also find fat people attractive, but I will also admit, non-fat people are also attractive. - Non-fat people are also attractive. - Sometimes, that's like that's the standard thing that I'm going out on. - Not here, it's not. (laughing) I have to enter the twisted logic of the so trudio. (laughing) I have to fucking debate you in here. And so I think it's fine for you to admit, hey, I kind of, it's not a problem to lose a little weight. I think I have genuinely, mostly neutral feelings about it. But what, you said something. - You want to allow yourself to feel even positive. That's what I'm saying. You think you have to stay neutral. - What's positive about it? Here's the issue. The reason I have, I feel lucky to have mostly neutral feelings about it. - Yes. - Because the feelings I would have would be negative. - I see. - I mean, you don't want self hate. - There are people acting like I'm attractive for the first time because I've lost some weight. There are people saying things in my comments that I don't think they should be safe. - No, I agree with you there. I'm like, I actually genuinely liked myself and thought I was hot 80 pounds ago. - And you were? - Exactly. And so it bothers me that people don't agree with that. I think they're wrong. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I do think you're hot. I do, however, have come from the Monique School of Thought, which is, she has that great bit where she's like, I think fat men are so sexy. I'm not gonna fuck them. (laughing) - And there you go, folks. - But it's logistical. - That's where it is. - It is logistical. - No, I know, I have a joke about this on the bed frame. - What fucking bed frame would we be involved with? - No, I have a joke on this special where it's like, I do think fat girls are hot. I just haven't dated many of them, but it's not an attraction issue. It's a geometry problem. - You know what I mean? - I'm gonna get in there. - I don't have the penis for two bellies. - That's what I'm saying. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I just don't have two bellies. - No, no, no. - I wish I did. By the way, same thing with fat asses, an insanely fat ass, that's a problem for me. - Yeah. - You know, I can't breach the cheek level sometimes. - Same. - You know, that's a tough one. - I have the money to get an industrial strength bed frame for the house. (laughing) - But we're not, well, we're just not gonna go to them all to you. (laughing) - Or we're gonna stay in separate rooms. - That's a great point. - They just got to fuck somebody else. - 'Cause I can't live, we can't even travel together. - That is true, we're gonna, we could, if they would allow you to just buy three seats for two guys, that would change your life, I think. - And they would, but it's not even just the seats. It's like, it's too much. - No, I get it, I get it. - And also I would be too, do you know when you're with a fat friend, like me and my friend Doyle were in this for a long time, we're like, we would get together and it'd be like, we would have just had a big lunch and it'd be like, we gotta hit the buffet for dinner. - Yeah. - I can't be dating a fat guy in every night we're being like, chillies. - Right, right. - I think I need, I think I need someone around to be like, okay, worry about that heartburn. - I get that, I definitely get that. You do not want to, you know, to be completely, like, co-dependent with someone that likes, I mean, me and Elders essentially have been in a, in a straight fat guy gay marriage. You know what I mean? Like, we're, we just, we're just like, yeah, they'd get some ice cream. Yeah, oh, ice cream. Well, one of us has to be like, we'll, we'll do it honestly so pathetically, we'll be like, ice cream. Who shot that? We'll do that all the time. Does someone say a little treat to dinner? - Before we watch our show. (laughing) - No, that's true, that is true. And I do think ultimately, I'm on a, I'm on a wave right now where it's like, you know, you can try and fix yourself as much as possible, but at a certain point, you kind of have to find the person who's fucked up in the, the complimentary ways to you. So I do think probably, I might end up with somebody, or like dating somebody who's like, when an eating disorder cancels out, you know what I mean? Like my friend George, he was fat, and he got too maniacal about it, and now he does have an eating disorder to like, in terms of health, where he's like, he's like, you know, a macros guy, all this kind of shit. And, but having him around, what are you so maniacal about? I just eat healthier when I'm with him versus when I'm with Eldis, and I think a woman, I did in the past, ate a lot of girls with eating disorders by accident, 'cause I think they were sort of like, whoa, it's kind of nice, he's like eating pizza this voraciously. - He doesn't mind if I have lunch. - No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that could be good for me too, where somebody who just sort of like, I could bring them to the fat side, they could bring me to the, you know, don't have for dessert side, you know what I mean? - I think that'd be, yeah, that's okay. - Yeah. - I think the funny thing about the person, the former fat person who loses a bunch of weight, and they get real like high on their, they get real high on mighty. - Did George just go ahead, he's not high on mighty. - No, no, I'm not talking about George. - Don't shut up George. - But that, that, these people definitely, 'cause these people get served to me on like, Instagram Reels sometimes, that they'll be like, they'll be like, I used to be four and a 50 pounds, I was fucking disgusting, and so are you if you're that way. - Right, right, right. - You wanna look like me, and then you look at them, and you're like, well hold your horses boss. - Oh really. - You are thin, but you are ugly as fuck. - You look fucked up. - You look bad. - Yeah. - So I would relax on maybe the self-righteousness and just enjoy your walks. - Yeah, I started respecting myself, and everything changed. You can't, too, you fat-tub-a-shit. And it's like, awe, inspiring, you know what I mean? - Ooh, sounds good. - I don't wanna do that. - See, that's the kind of thing I don't want. I'm even like, even the us talking about being fat and losing weight. - Sure, sure, sure. - I don't wanna hear anybody's fucking thoughts on it. - I get that. - I get that. - But I'm like, all these people that sound off about, like, wait, I'm just like, I don't care what you think. - Yeah, that's fair, that is fair. - I don't care what you think. - Yeah. - I think you look great now, I think you look great then. - Thank you. - I wouldn't have fucked you at either time for some of your reasons. - Right, right, right, right. - Yeah, me neither. - And not even like, straight or fat stuff. Mostly it's about like, I don't think you treat me right. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, that's true. I would fucking use you and toss you aside. - I feel like you'd be on the next plane to Cleveland. - I'd be just a little piece ass on my stop through the Midwest. - Yeah, you fucking call me at one in the morning, and then you'd be like, I gotta play the funny bone. (laughing) - Yeah, what's going on with you? Oh, yeah, what's going on with you? - I would give you one of those half-heartedly every once in a while. - Anyway, you want a couple of water? - Yeah. (laughing) - Anyway, where are my manors? - It's probably good to it. (laughing) - Yeah. - No, that's true, that's true. - We won't do it. - No, we'll never, this will, they won't, they'll just never happen. - We'll keep it platonic, and I think that'll be beautiful. And as much as I do want you to settle down with a good woman, the idea of sending a woman in there to. (laughing) - You know, it kind of feels like sending peace keepers, the UN peace keepers into Gaza. - Yeah. - It's what's basically what it's like. - I feel like I'm gonna give them a little journalist vest and send them to your house. (laughing) Hey, just do your best. I know it's stacked against you. - I know. - Just give me a story if you can. (laughing) - Maybe write a note to your family before we send you. - Yeah. - Have your affairs in order. - Yeah. - I'm kind of excited because I don't feel like I've been a person for like six months. And I'm kind of like excited to just not have to do anything and see what happens. See what my brain comes up with. - Are you really gonna take time off? - I am actually going to do it this time. - What are you gonna be? Are you gonna spend it in New York? - I'm gonna spend it in New York because it's the following New York. It's the best. So October, November, I have nothing. I'm gonna be chilling in New York. Maybe do it. Maybe do it instead of but for fun. - Yeah. - Not working on anything. So in my friend's shows, hanging out with me. going out, going to a fucking movie, you know what I mean? Like seeing some old shit on film. We're in the best city in the world and it's in the fall. And I was gonna go away, but I was like, why? - Don't go away. - I have, I'm in the best place to be October, November. So I'm gonna go craze, and then I'm gonna go spend a lot of time with my family in December. And then I'll probably go away like December, January, lose some cold. - That's the move. - Go to the fucking, you know, go to the beach or some shit like that. - That's the move. - Yeah. - We're jumping in the ocean every day. So I'm excited. I was just, there was a two week period where I'm just coming off of between LA and Hawaii where I was in the ocean every day. - Whoa. - And God, it was good. Sunset ocean, mostly. - Holy shit. - I was getting into the sunset ocean. - God damn you. - I'm swimming in the ocean in sunset. - And my friends were sick of me. - Yeah. - We were in the ocean. I kept turning to them going, how lucky are we? (laughing) - They're going, you said that last night. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We're pretty lucky night as well. - We get it. - Yeah. - How was Hawaii? - Hawaii was-- - I've never been. - I've considered it. It was beautiful, I will say, I tried to crack one too many jokes. I asked some of my Samoan friends. So what's like the ethical way to buy property around here? (laughing) It was not even met with a half-hearted life. - Yeah. - I go, so is there like an ethical way to buy property around here? And they're like, no. - Yeah. - And I was like, cool, cool, cool. - Cool, sorry about that, guys. (laughing) - No worries, no worries. - Yeah. - I said something else too. I made a joke to somebody. Yeah, I tried to do too many jokes, but it was a beautiful place. - I enjoyed my visit. - Well, it is people that look like you asking those questions non-ironically. - Of course. And it's like, it is funny because you're basically like, Kansas City businessmen, like that's the hardware. And you ran fun, love, and gay guy software. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you should be in a three-piece suit looking to displace Hawaii, native Hawaiians. That's what this body is meant to be. It's not meant for cute little jean shorts. It's meant for like a pleated trouser and asking for the numbers. Like, so something about you're just-- - There's a primal feeling. - Exactly, exactly. That question coming out of your face, I think triggered fight or flight for them. Because it is, you know, Kansas City businessmen being like, how could we do a deal on the ache? I know that's not what they talk like, but it feels like, no, almost noticing. Maybe we could get a deal on some of that beachfront property. Perhaps a Starbucks in the mountains there. Your sacred ground, your burial ground. Have you ever thought about putting a-- Oh, I tried a Joe's there. I like this character for you. Yeah, I'd like to see more of him. Southern developer? Yeah. I'd like to see a lot more of him. Yeah, yeah. I think another joke I maybe made was, I can't remember if I said this one or not, but you're not supposed to take stuff from the beaches. They were very-- we were told, like, don't take shells or drift with from the beaches. It's very sacred to the Hawaiian people, OK? Which I actually did know. And I think I either said or typed out and deleted. What's the rule on bad bitches? [LAUGHTER] I thought that'd be kind of fun. Yeah, that is fun. But, you know-- Can I take a bad bitch with me home? Yeah, if you find a bad bitch at the beach-- That's a fair question. That's-- come on. Is that part of the natural ecological system? Yeah, it just depends. It's fucked up. You've got to ask. Do I have to-- must I fuck the bad bitch on the beach? Yeah, do we have to do it there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have to do it there? Yeah. Not a lot of gay guys on Hawaii. I noticed. Why not? The density-- it was very spread out. I mean, the-- where I was at, it was very spread out. Colossus gay guy, oftentimes, was 12 miles away. Wow. It's a far distance for a gay guy to be. That's tough, yeah. Yeah, so the island was beautiful. I had some really good pokey. I enjoyed the ocean. Drew's wedding was beautiful. Absolutely stunning ceremony. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, that's awesome. You know, Hawaii beach wedding is just awesome. Come on. It was gorgeous. So no gay guys, though, huh? There were gay guys. They were just few and far between. I see. There were a few and far between. Did you get a little fucking moped? Yeah, got through the fucking mountain. Yeah, I had to fucking journey. Yeah. I had to build a, like, a raft to float to a gay guy. It was crazy. Yeah. It was beautiful there. It really is gorgeous. Do you understand why Jack Johnson was down there? Oh, Jack Johnson's over there. Oh, yeah. I'm not up on Jack Johnson's. I'm not up on where Jack Johnson is. He's down there making-- He's down there making banana pigs. It's so awesome that that's your, like, wow. And, you know, Jack Johnson, beautiful, even Jack Johnson couldn't resist the siren. He couldn't live anywhere. No, this was like the Jack Johnson, but it's like, you didn't even start with Dave Matthews. No. You don't know where he lives. I don't know where he lives. Does Dave Matthews have a very serious George Matthews? Oh, did he write the curious George? Jack Johnson? I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm not a fucking Jack Johnson historian. I want to turn the whole world upside down. For the record, you're a matter about this than Adele, and let's just fucking-- I fucking love Jack Johnson. Yes. It's been to his concert. It was amazing. Really? What's his big one? What's his big one? His big one. God, it'd be hard to choose. Okay. Banana pancakes. Oh, banana pancakes. We're all good people. I see, I see. I'm waiting wishing. This is where you realize we are different types of white people. Of course. This is where this is where the Midwest versus East Coast immigrant grew up around. Jack Johnson was the my type of white kid in Missouri's rebellious response to being raised by parrots heads. Oh, that's crazy. Do you know what I mean? It's like it's like-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I still got a toe in this water. I got a lot of water. Where does Dave Matthews live? Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews lives in Seattle, Washington. Attracts. Not as nice. It's Hawaii, adjacent. No, it's not. People who live in Seattle and people who live in Hawaii, there's some overlap. Interesting. But it's fucking rainy. It's like, the beach is cold. Yeah, but it's not one of the big places and it's over there and it's about the outdoors and it's nature people. I suppose. I can't get it sandals. Okay. All right. Sandals, I'll give you sandals. Sandals you can have. I can give you sandals. You know, Dave met-- That was like-- That was like-- Boat Shoes White Guy. Yeah. And I didn't want to be that. Boat Shoes White Guy over. I didn't want to be that. There's some Boat Shoes White Guy overlap. I think you'd have a really nice time with the Jack Johnson. I'll listen. Now where I'm not as worried about fitting in and, you know, having to hide, having to hide the type of stuff I like, maybe I'll check out Jack Johnson. I went to his concert. He was playing-- he used to shoot, like, surfing movies. Oh, sick. He used to film, like, surfers and ocean footage. Fuck. He played a bunch of it behind him. All he played his songs. That's kind of sick. It was sick. I post on my Instagram story and said, does anybody at this concert have weed? And, of course, everyone does. Everyone did. But a couple of lesbians came over and gave me an edible. That's what you want. They said, "We saw your Instagram story. Do you want some edibles?" I said, "Yeah." That's the dream. Fuck. Fuck in night of my life. I'm listening. Lake Street Dive opened. You know, Lake Street Dive? I don't. All right. Lake Street Dive? Sorry, man. I don't know what the fuck you want. Lake Street Dive is good. They can sing. They're guy on the keys. They let him every once in a while. He'll take center stage and he'll cover-- you're still the one by Shania Twain. Oh. And he fucking rips that song. Fuck. That's a good song. Oh, my God. Shania I'm in on. See, here's the thing. What, honestly, what fed a lot of the stuff I liked was, could I also be horny to this? Yeah. Is it art I like and can I get horny? Yeah. Because Shania Twain, I was a big fan of. The Spice Girls I Loved. Yeah. As a little boy. Because it was both, like, catchy tunes. And I was like, "Ooh. Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me." Maybe I could be friends. Maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. Yeah. Those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The dream. Dude. Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice? Yeah. They were boys. Alright. Put yourself in my shoes. That's kind of awesome. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare. It can be a daunting and difficult thing to navigate. But thankfully, our friends at Hinge are here to help. Hinge is the dating app designed to be, you guessed it, deleted. It's for people dating with intention. Going on dates, putting themselves out there. Hinge is designed for finding connections. What makes Hinge the ideal dating app is its user-friendly layout and its interactive prompts feature that allow you to ask potential suitors questions or pick topics to get the conversation going without the awkward ice-breaking phase. 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This is the best place to find great deals on products you love for your friend or maybe even a family member. They're amazing sellers with great taste going live 24/7. You can comment in real time and they'll give you any and all details you could ever possibly want about the closure looking to buy from sizing to durability concerns. These sellers are here to help. Download what not today and get $20 of your first purchase. Search what not W-H-A-T-N-O-T in the app store sign up and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 of your first purchase terms applied. How did you okay football team? I'm in. How did you feel? Like did you feel like confident and cool and tough on the football team where you're like I kind of don't belong here? No, no, I felt confident. I loved it. I was good at being a nose tackle and I also liked being on the football team. Like I quit my senior year because they got a new coach who like worked too hard and I was like fuck it would have been cool to like do play football my senior year I guess. But I just ultimately what I liked was I was like because it was like so much of my identity too was football was also forbidden for me because my parents were smart and were like you'll get fucking brain damage if you play this barbaric American sport. They did not grow up with football at all. My dad thought it was fucking stupid. The only reason I was allowed to play football was because while I was playing soccer I don't know if I told you this our coach gave a child pornography. Not in a molesting way and I like dude we're cool. I'm cool. Check this shit out. Yeah. Yeah. In like in like out cool older pathetic older brother trying to win over you know anyway. So he got busted and I had eligibility. He I think he just got fired unfortunately. I don't think he went to jail. I think it was more of a like let's sweep this under the rug. Yeah. You weren't trying to fucking write. He's like no. Yeah. You're like it wasn't a molesting way. I'm like I think it had to okay. I don't think it was because hilariously I knew this guy. This actually there's there's levels to the story. He used to be a deacon at my church and he tried to steal but hold on I can't get any further away from him. Gregor that I church you're allowed to get pussy. The Catholics are the ones that sort of started the no wives rule and you know I'm not I think that was a bad bit of social engineering personally. I think we see what it led to but anyway. This guy got caught raw he tried to do an oceans eleven and him and a guy robbed of the church after like holy week when it had the most dollar bills and the ties. Yeah. And he got arrested and I also knew that and I guess I don't know why they didn't do a background check on this guy. So I actually had black male on this guy and so I knew this guy was a criminal and I knew he would never pass a background check and so I guess the school just didn't do one and so when he gave out the porn then they did a background check and they just immediately fired him. I don't know if you're like I know he didn't want to molest this kid. He was a thief. He was also he was also a different type of even of depraved criminal. We stole from the church. I don't think a guy who stole from the church would fuck a kid. All right. I just I'm sorry. I understand. I understand that my logic when put that way does not track but I guess. Yeah. Okay. I'm sure. Yeah. I guess you stole from the church and fought any withdrawing. All right. All right. Come on, dude. That's two different types of criminals. You don't really hear too many heist molesters. No. It's one or the other. Usually you have your one thrill. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Danny Ocean didn't fuck any kids. Yeah. He didn't need to. He didn't need to be stealing. The stealing was the thrill. And he liked, you know, he was Julia Roberts. He was kind of. Well, he put this on with her. Yeah. Of course. Fuck great movies. But you see in the ocean's movies. Of course. All right. You think I haven't seen something Julia Roberts has involved in. That's a good point. They put Julia on something they know I'll show you. You're in there. Yeah. It's like when you put a book you put a block of cheese under a box with a stick holding on. That's what Julia Roberts in movies to me. I love that. I see the stick in the box and I go, the stick's going to fall and I'm going to be trapped in the box. Yeah. I won't run in there anyway. Whoa. Yeah. I've seen hook. I've seen her with the pixie cut. I love the pixie cut. I saw non-binary Julia Roberts. I wouldn't go that far. She looks non-binary in that movie. You think so? Pull up a picture of Julia Roberts in the book. Yeah. Let's pull it up. Pull up Julia Roberts, date their book performance. You know, I haven't seen it in a while. I wonder if her attitude is also bad. She was given FTM boots. Well, she was, she was really, oh, you know what? I take them boots. I take it all the way the fuck back. FTM boots. Damn. That is actually maybe tell me someone like the most non-binary haircut I've ever seen. You got no latte from that person. 100%. It was delicious. Of course. The ratio of oat milk to freshly ground coffee was just right. That person has given you the best latte of your life and they're playing kick ass music. You know, absolutely. They have some deep cuts. I'm not far left. One chance. Bring them all. Is this Hollywood star like, you know, we talked about the gay agenda. We don't talk about the non-binary agenda. They don't want you to. Was this Hollywood sneaking in, making, making us horny to the non-binary? Because I remember having a huge crush on pixie cut, Tinkerbell, Julia Roberts. But I think maybe it got, it also got mixed up with regular Tinkerbell. Maybe I put some of Tinkerbell's attitude into hot Julia Roberts. It's just an interesting question to pose. I think she's just a beautiful woman with short hair. It's probably, it's probably what you were going through. I'm just saying, I'm asking questions. Is that so fucking much? No, what's interesting is, is that so illegal? Is that so illegal to ask questions? Yeah, probably. What year was this? Ninety-what? Ninety-two. Ninety-three. In that year. Anyway. I don't know. Look up hook year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome through it. Welcome through it. Hook year on Google images. Yeah, make sure it's an image. Probably not images, I would say. Ninety-one. Ninety-one. Yeah. That film is old. But what's interesting is before, before we had woke, we used to have really, really gay and queer stuff. Totally. Because no one was even thinking about it. No, I mean, who the fuck taught Republicans about themes? Yeah. Who the fuck? Who the fuck taught them about critical media studies? It's like they used to love gay shit and not realize it. Yeah. It's like liberal. People thought the barachi was straight. Yeah. The most homophobic guy of all time played liberal. To relax before fucking, you know, having horrific sex with his wife. He just likes his song. Yeah, he just, it's like, why did we have, why did we teach that? Why did we teach them fucking media, you know, like, no, we messed up. We really messed up. Because they were enjoying gay stuff as much as we were. Absolutely. We were all enjoying gay subtexts. I also think probably, here's a, here's a theory I have to is that kind of, it kind of ties into our closeted like secret gay sex theory. Yeah. I think parades used to be so much better, like the 30s, 40s and 50s, because of how many closeted gay guys. This was their one opportunity to be really creative. It was the church choir. It was the two times easier. You got to be like, uh, for God or the country. Yeah. I'm doing - I mean, costume. I have to do drag for Easter. - It's called picture-tism. - Yes, absolutely. - Yeah, now you can just do drag, so it's like, yeah, totally. - Yeah, totally. - I do think parades were awesome in the 50s, 'cause of how many closeted guys had to put all their effort. - I don't think about 50s parades, I'm warning. I feel like they were, I mean, I don't either. I just feel like they were. - You just have a feeling. - I just have a feeling, 'cause it's like, you know, everything, there's no other way to really celebrate. This is actually just making me think right now that you and I should have a joint float in the Macy's day part. - Oh my God, I would love that. - For Stovey's world and so true. - I would love that. - And it's just too huge, like, we should make huge, hilarious paper macheuses, round as fuck. - And have them talking into giant microphones. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - And we're doing a live pod while the float is going. - We're doing, we're just like talking, which the work's called out here for this. - This is fucking cool, I won't pump and pie. - Yeah, we're doing, we're doing "Fuck Mary Kill" the turkey. (laughing) - It's just blasting out for speakers as we go down the street, the turkey. - I guess, I don't know who it is, but I think we probably end up killing the pilgrims in the traditional-- - Totally. - In the traditional-- - That's the way that you and I would land on stuff. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You fuck the turkey, which, it means eat it. - Yeah. - Right? - Sure. - I think in this case, so-- - Yeah. - And then you marry the Native Americans. - It was an interesting look into your psyche, by the way. (laughing) Oh, is that connected? - Who is that, unfortunately, very connected? - You fuck the turkey, which of course means you have a beautiful meal. (laughing) I'm not prepared to do all the math, but I'm certain that the numbers need to be stacked up and have a line underneath 'em. I know the equation should happen. - No, it is fucked up how much I'm like, "Dude, I just got the 5/6, I should have a delicious treat." (laughing) - On top of it, you know what I mean? - Or, "Damn, I don't have sex right now, I guess I'll settle for a delicious treat." - Yeah, but either way, the treat's being ingested. - The treat's being ingested. - We can do that math right now. Are you on treats right now? - Yeah. - You're doing treats? - Unfortunately, I've settled into, I figured out the rhythm to beat. GLP ones. Yeah, I figured it out where it's sort of like you were playing like a stealth video game Yeah, and you have to like break like let's say metal gear solid Yeah, and you have to like dart across a hallway when the guard has its back turned The sixth day of a GLP one shot the warden turns his back And I'm going nuts I'm going nuts on it. Yeah, why are you on it? Because if I wasn't on it this year I would have I guy would have gotten back to 350 really I fucked my back up really bad And I haven't been able to exercise and I've been really stressed yeah, and so yeah I've been stress-eating. I've actually even less I have been having less fun than usual I wasn't even like being a little slutty boy as much But but yeah, I just like I needed to I knew if left to my own devices this last year I would have completely food relapsed and so I'm on it But yeah, I am pushing the drugs to their limit. I am their most respected opponent. Yeah, they are beating me But it's I say in the special two every series every series goes seven games. Yeah, between me and GLP ones Yeah, yeah, it's funny the number of fat people that have come to me hat in hand and like kind of asked me like the Don's permission to get on a GLP one. Oh, that's so fucking I really don't care what people do I at the one thing with me and GLP ones. I don't know if I've said this on the show or not I've said a lot in my life. Mm-hmm. It so far is I don't care what anyone does take the GLP ones I don't it doesn't matter to me. I don't call it a miracle drug. It's not a miracle interesting It's not a miracle. It has side effects. Yeah, it is a drug. Miracle drug pisses me off. What are you seven? Yeah, it's not a miracle Well, I mean, I think every drug is a miracle actually like that is the miracle drug bro It's not a miracle if you can get liver cancer from it. Can you the side effects of GLP ones are like liver cancer Galstones and blindness Fucking guy knows how to read a scientific study all of a sudden Survived mr. Jack Johnson is fucking settling in and reading about a GLP. He's always been very thin Jackson Island time, brother. My whole point is my life. I've taken every drug anyway Yeah, have I ever have I ever looked at what whip it's does to you? Have I ever done the research on salvia or 200 milligrams of weed? The great this is my this is my argument about the vaccine to us like I don't give a fuck if someone has drugs I just do the drugs. Yeah, if you tell me it might help my life. I do it That's not about GLP ones. Oh, was I have if you ever read the studies on Molly You know what I mean like it's a great argument It also tracks with the difference between us because I don't do drugs and I'm like this about everything. Oh, I see Really nice It's a really nice. Are you someone who thinks about what goes into your body or not? Pussy Yeah, and I am no actually gay guys love putting stuff into their body. That's true. They love party Joe They're I mean you want to talk about at the forefront of party drugs gay guys are doing it So they're innovating in the space constantly absolutely. I am very scared of drugs. Interesting all of them I just my I'm about to have this tonsilectomy and I told I the doctor was like we're gonna send you home with oxy And I was like, I'm not gonna take it until I have to I'm very scared. Have you ever had a pill problem? No, but I grew up in Missouri Right, so it's in trailer trailer living It's in there and also there was just a series of like five years where like on a quaint and so weak died from Pill problems. No, I mean, that's why I didn't take pills this year Because I fucked my back up broke my arm and I've just been living off edibles Yeah, but it got to like I was taking like 200 milligrams at a certain point 200 milligrams a what day? Yeah to go to bed It got that bad. I'm back to like 70. I'm back to the I've I've knocked it down to like that's where my tolerance is But I have to get off them at some point. Yeah. Will you ever have a little drug experimentation phase of your life? Do you think for what reason? What's fun? For whimsy you're a big whimsy guy. I have a lot of whimsy in my life. I'm just saying mushrooms No, I doubt it. Why why would I I don't every I don't need I might having a good time. You're frolicking Yeah, I picture me frolicking. You're frolicking. Yeah, you're with the you know a cabal of lesbians. Yeah, you guys are having a wonderful time. Yeah, there's a I'm like, how do we convince them to come out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, true I'm just saying this because I recently had a beautiful weekend upstate with my friend who's non-binary their wife and It was all lesbians and I was like, fuck, this is actually all in fact We did some naked photographs for the calendar and it was the most free. I've ever felt naked around lesbians There was some because it was like you're you're not used to nurturing female energy Plus no sexual nervousness being nude. Yeah, and so it was this beautiful thing where I felt taken care of and I had no Self-conscious thoughts about my little ass dick as they were photographing me. You're in a beautiful position where the literal worst thing that could happen is they steal your shirt That that is a worst case They're never going to say something mean about your body. You don't have to worry about if they want to fuck you You don't want to fuck them. But that vintage Hawaiian is in trouble. You might yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You might be letting go of that car heart work in progress Work jacket Do not even think about bringing overalls to it. Yeah, the overalls are going first. Yeah, you might lose that nice that smart watch you brought Yes, and I don't mean smart like digital. I mean smart like handsome. Of course. Yeah, of course Folks, there's all kinds of shoppers. Maybe like the shopper who values function as well as style ever heard of it and we want to know What kind of shopper are you? Maybe you're getting into running starting a fitness journey or you're already a gym member who or gym regular who's always looking for better gear Or maybe you've got a golf trip coming up and your fit needs an upgrade. 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Please go to palmwonderful.com So anyway, let's say you're fronking you're in a meadow yeah A little bit of mushrooms just makes everything you're feeling Ten times better. Yeah with no side effects. I'm not kidding I'm not saying do a crazy dose. I say do this my and only because you love nature You love being connected to your friends. I'm not kidding good mushroom trips do and that's what I would start there I'm not telling you to do you're not a cocaine guy. You're not a pills guy Actually, I could see that but you're not but like you're not that's not who you are That's not what you want to be those things could be sinister in your life But I think there's a couple drugs. It could be positive and that's all I'm saying. I think there's a chance They could be positive. There's also a chance like my fear is that I will mess up my brain I don't want to mess up my brain Open up pathway. I'm like I fuck to do what podcast? Yes, you need your fucking brain You need to be at the top of your brain to fucking podcast stop if you think I bring my brain to the show I know that's what I'm saying we don't - You don't have to use our brains for anything. - I come in here with a brain. (laughing) - Interesting, interesting, interesting. Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, a little dabbling might be interesting for you. - It totally could be, and I'm not saying it won't happen. I have a history of thinking that I won't do things and then I do them. - Immediately. - And then pretending like you're that guy the whole time. - No, not always, sometimes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Sometimes I like to change, sometimes I don't like to change. - Sure. - Try to pretend it wasn't a change. - Right. - Sometimes I embrace the change and go, isn't it beautiful that I change? - Beyonce's pixie cut that she immediately went away from. - No, that was a moment. - I never saw Beyonce with a pixie. - She's me putting it on an olive branch. - That's really strange. - I remember a thing that happened that gay guys were talking about. - Chance, can you put Beyonce pixie cut? - It was like she put it on Instagram and people didn't fuck with it and she immediately pretended it didn't happen. - Oh, I can see why she changed. I think she looks fucking gorgeous and incredible. - But I can see what people were responding to. They wanted to be, they wanted it, yes. - I think they wanted to have the long hair blowing in the wind. - I haven't used so beautiful, I mean, yeah. - It doesn't get sad enough that Beyonce's, well, I think at this point we just know, I'm wondering if we're still telling her. - I think so. - Jay-Z, are you telling her? - I don't know if Jay-Z is, but somebody else is telling it. - Jay-Z, you better tell her how beautiful she is. She really is so beautiful and she nailed it by doing interviews for two years and then saying I'm actually all good. - Yeah. - Refusing to do interviews now is like, - It's the most boss move of all time. - Yeah, she really is. - She really is. - She's the most impressive thing of all time. - God. - So anyway, you don't remember that, but what point was I making? - Based on the filter, this had to be what, like 2009? - I don't fuck. - 2011? I don't fucking know when she goes to take it. - Anyway, I feel like you would pull a move like this. You would try something new that didn't land and you'd pretend it never happened. - You think so? - I think you have that in you. - What do you think of me? You have generally positive feelings about me. - She usually positive feelings about you. - You've got, I think you're a fraud, I think you're. - These are all positives to me. - No, I love you. - The fact that you have that, what I love about you is that you do have a measurable darkness in you and you keep it locked away. (laughing) - That you fight against. - I feel that way about your goodness. - Yeah. (laughing) - I think. - And that's why we're so beautiful together. - That's why we're beautiful together. - That's right. - You're beautiful, you didn't end. - No, that actually is so true. - You're a little dart of goodness is in there. And no matter how much scumbagery you try to do, I see the little part of you that's just a sweet little boy from Baltimore. - Yes, yes, yes, yes. - And inside of me, you see us come back. - Similarly, there's a scumbag waiting to get out. - You drink so much. - Absolutely. And by the way, I think you let him out every once in a while. (laughing) I think you let him out in your most private moments. - That's really interesting. - No one will ever know. - I know, but I know. - Some things are just for us, you know? - Yeah, yeah, absolutely. - That's really interesting stuff. - Thank you. - What a beautiful partnership we have. - We do, it's the Yin and Yang. - I'm really, I do want to get back to this idea that there's less tops than bottoms though. That we started with. - That sounds like something you'd want to get back to. - Why, how did that happen? - Do you know, like that too many gay guys, I don't know. - Why, like, why don't more guys just give it a whirl? - I've also felt like, does this happen to you age into being a top? 'Cause a couple of my friends have gone from, like-- - Me personally. - Oh really? Maybe this is part of the process. - When I'm the gay cocoon. - Yes, the gay cocoon that you can shake out of. - You can shake out of the bottom cocoon. First there's a straight to gay cocoon. - Yeah. - You can't get out of that. - You're a bottom to top cocoon. - You're going to the bottom to top cocoon. - And then you fully get your wings. - And then yeah. - And by the way, I know for a fact that eventually after you've bought them to top cocoons, there's a top to verse cocoon. - Uh-huh. - And you go, actually, I'm free to be whatever it is. - What does this even fucking mean? - What does it mean? - What are these labels here? - The strict adherence to these roles. - Yeah, why are we recreating being straight? - Yeah, exactly. - It's essentially what it is. - What is it to be a top or a bottom? How about I'm a human being? - It's basic. It's so funny 'cause it's like, it's basically one acts like a girl. - And one acts like a guy. - I would be extremely careful. - No, I know, but in the worst way. But what I'm saying is, that's what I don't understand about it. - No, what you're actually saying is extremely advanced gay guy criticism of gay guys. And coming from you, it's going to hit some people the wrong way. - Sure. - But you're right. - But that's the thing, that's what I'm saying inside. This is the goodness shining through. People are having a hard time this coming from this mouth. They want to shoot the messenger. - But I don't understand, like truly, that's what I want to understand. It's like, wait, but every like thing you're describing just seems to one for one be recreating heterosexual. - A huge problem in the gay community. - Why not just do it all? - People recreating heterosexual dynamics and then mapping them under. It's a huge criticism that I think a lot of especially like, trans and gender queer people make about gay people. - It's something they've tried to launch against me online. - Of course. - But they don't know me, of course. - Well, that's why I'm here. - Well, you're here to serve. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're here to serve as a smoker. - I'm the sin eater for you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'll take it all. (laughing) - It's the meme with the fucking army guy and the sleeping child. - I'm like, I'm in the bassinet. Like, they've got arrows and also like missiles. - Yeah. - Just do it to me. And watch Uncle Stav. You know, it'll really piss me off if you're mad at me. Watching my special-- - Don't watch Uncle Stav on Netflix. Don't do it. He'll love it. He's lying to you guys. It will only power him up. - Who shot are you on? - I'm lying. Caleb told me to say that stuff. I think everything gay guys do is right. - It's tough. - It's tough, no. - It's tough. - No, you're right. It is really interesting. I think top shortage, I don't know where the top shortage comes from. - That's really fascinating to me. - Busbeans are going through it as well. - Really? They got a top shortage over there as well. - Oh. - I mean, that was running through my mind where you were talking about. How am I going to date a guy and we're hitting the buffet? I'm like, that is tough for other reasons. - Yeah, exactly. - We're both hitting the buffet. I guess it's a lot of, I bet fat for fat relationships, a lot of sucking each other off. - That's called side. - Oh, really? - There's a name for that, do you know that? - Wait, just sucking you off as a thing? - No anal, all oral, there's a name for it now in gay guys. - All oral. - Side, all oral the time, baby, 24/7. - There's no penetrative intercourse. - All oral the time. These are sides. - That's crazy. To me, that's like going to a restaurant and only ordering sides. - Yeah. - I don't want to meal just a fat man and cheese. - You want to eat cheese? - Give me a main dish of some hole to fuck. - Never had a meal of all sides and been thrilled. - Okay, that's a good point. Once in a while. - Yeah. - But how many times do I go and offer tapas? - Not many. - Not many. - Not many. - That's crazy to me that somebody doesn't fuck. - There's a lot of gay guys getting into side stuff because guess what? Who has the time to not eat all day and then power wash your ass hole? - That does seem rude. God should create a third hole for gay guys. - And he put the process in there. - Right in the second. - No, third. - Yeah, yeah. - It's crazy. - What the fucking male pleasure center in the nasty place? - Well, I think we-- - I'm God. I don't do stuff like that. I think we know he's kind of sending a message. - Well, you know what's interesting. - Thank you. - Okay. Stop. Hear me out though. - Yeah, go ahead. - In youth group. - Oh, that was part of it. That was like an actual point. - No, but in youth group, they made a big deal about being like, they made a huge deal about because they were so straight and not thinking about gay people and also they were so denying themselves their own pleasure. Our male youth pastors would be like, guys, we're not going to tell you sex doesn't feel good, okay? It does and it's supposed to. God wants you to feel good. - Right. Never accounted for the fact that it feels good to have stuff up there. - To put some of your butt. - Yeah. And you know road trip. You ever see the movie road trip? - Of course I saw the movie road trip. - There's a big part of, I tried to put, I tried to find my, like the button in my ass because a stifler nutted so hard, I got to be honest, I didn't really care for it. But I was a 13 year old, I think I put a candle up my ass trying to do like the stifler move. - I don't think it's completely fair to put a candle up your ass when you're 13 and then say you weren't really into it. A girl one time put a figure up my ass and I did, that was, she was being a little too hasty I think maybe. - Yeah. - So maybe I'll give it another run, but it would have to be like a, I think it would have to be a nurse and it would have to be, it would have to be like road trip. I think I would need like a blonde nurse with her tits out putting a, putting a finger up my ass. I think I would have to start that way and then open myself up to it. But I, I don't know, I don't know that I love the sensation but I'm, I'm a nurse, if a nurse knows what she's doing. - First? - You'd have to know where the prostate is. - Yeah. - I would need a professional. - Yeah. - To like push the button. I don't want to be rooting around in there. - There are plenty of professionals at that that are not nurses. - That's a good point. - By the way, there's actually a more, there's a more direct route to what you're asking for. - A girl? - A professional. Oh yeah. - All right. - All right. - You think a sex worker wouldn't know how to get your shit off of it. - All right. - She would dial the fucking, you know. - You know I can, I mean, I use movie when they bring in the person to put the stethoscope on the thing and go, that's just, that'll be a sex worker dialing in on your prostate. - Yeah. - You heard in my ass like a, like a seashell? - Yeah. - The door opens. - Tapping my nuts. - The point gets open. - Tapping my nuts, like, hmm. (humming) (laughing) - All right. All right. Maybe I'll check it out. - When I sat up, I kicked up all kinds of dander. Did you see that? - I didn't. - It's gotta be coming up on the camera. - I missed it. - Oh, I want you to have that. I want you to have all kinds of happiness in your life. - Well, I see so many beautiful things for you. - How about this? - Tell me. - I'll get somebody to put a finger up my ass if you do mushrooms in a meadow. - Oh, I thought you were gonna say, sleep with girls. - No. - No, we both have to open up on the risings. - Okay. - Yeah, you're as scared as that as I am. I think actually, this is actually a perfect one for one. - Okay. - Because there's something in my case. - You're worried you're gonna unlock something you can't undo. - Exactly. - Wow. - Wow, stop. - You're worried about your brain. I'm worried about my ass. (laughing) - She finds a Apollo. - Oh, fuck. (laughing) Caleb, thank you. You saved my life. Yeah, so I don't know. My gay friend was like you should be doing butts off and I paid a nurse to get in there and just think I'll be founded early because if my gay friend hadn't been so pushy about that, I'd be six feet under in a pine box right now. That's right. That's beautiful, man. And maybe, you know, maybe-- No, but get checked. You should be getting checked. I will. Yeah, I literally-- Hey, I'll judge the side. I'll judge the side. You got a prostate exam at that age. Yeah. 'Cause you're getting up there. I am. Yeah, so I'm not living good. These have been tough years. Well, it's a lot of process meets. I know that. A lot of-- I want to get one. I asked my primary care doctor if he would refer me for a prostate exam. And he was like, huh, at 31, what do you think for? And I was like, uh, fear and anxiety. And I want to know. And he was like, OK. Interesting. Which was cool of him? And he didn't year all clean. I haven't done it yet. Ah. I'm scared to get it. Huh. I don't want-- I guess that. I don't want people up there. Sure. It seems like work. I know that you know what it is. This is a big problem. This is a big fact I answer. Yeah. I think you can't eat for like a day. And I'm trying to find a day when it'd be good for me to have you. That's annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A whole day I can't eat. A whole day's tough. A whole day is tough. You can just drink some shit liquid. You have to drink some shit liquid. You have to shit a bunch. That's my window. I have the win-win. Yeah. But I want to do it. OK. All right. Well, maybe I'll do it too. We'll come next time I'm on. We'll read our-- Should we be really fun? Yeah. Stop. We've been talking about going on a writer's retreat. Let's go on a retreat where we take a little mushrooms. OK. Don't eat for a day. Drink the shit liquid. Get prostate exams. Yep. And when you're coming out of your prostate exam, maybe they fun around me. Yeah. When I'm ready to go. They're cleaned up. Yep. We ask one of those nurses. Hey. I wait. We ask a nurse at the hospital. You don't think so? I think we go back to your sex worker idea. OK. And we get a sex worker to dress like a nurse. We get a sex worker who's dressed like a nurse. And I go-- You can be there. You can be there. You can be there. Whatever you want to do. I would like to meet her. Yeah. Uh, like curtains. Yeah. And I'm just-- you're holding my hand. I'm like, you're doing so good. I'm doing so good, buddy. [LAUGHTER] And then afterwards we go to the fucking local Chinese buffet. And then we fill back up. Meet you in the nurse. I love that. That sounds awesome. She comes to the Chinese buffet. I would love that. For a job well done. I think absolutely. Yeah. I would love to do that. Yeah. And she can change industry clothes before the bus. Yeah. She doesn't have to dress as a nurse. She doesn't have to go as a nurse. No. In fact, that would prefer-- It'd be a little-- What does she dress like when she's off? What does she see? Oh, yeah. Let's just see what her day-to-day is like. Yeah, yeah. And then we get to know her. We've made a new friend. Yeah. You know, I love this idea. I love this idea. We've become really close with her. Hopefully. Fuck. I'm going to hang out a lot. We have her eventually on the podcast. She comes on your mind. That's how we have a child. We put-- She picks one, and we don't know who's is who. Yeah. We'd find out in like five to seven years of the kid being alive. Yeah. Don't you think you're on Fiverr 7? The kid would make it known if it was yours or mine. See, I think it's the-- Possibly? But I think like 50% of the outcomes will never be able to tell. You're telling me that kid's precocious, and you don't assume it's mine. You don't think I was precocious? You were precocious? I was very precocious. Really? Yeah. Many of my precocious desires, because I, again, was trying to put myself into-- It's a little good inside you that hides. Yeah, it's a little good. You had to hide the little good. I had to hide the little good. I had to pretend I like death metal. Wow. I had to pretend, you know. I mean, I have to pretend I like doing-- But starting to do drugs was a little scary. And I had to pretend I wasn't gay. It's a present precocious. That's right. And that was my little devious. Instead of just gays, that what you mean? Yeah. Precocious. But is that true? Yeah, gay kids have actually a leg up on being precocious. Yeah. Basically, it's just being gay. Oh, OK. [LAUGHTER] What does precocious mean? Maybe I'm being very offensively. Can we pull it up? I don't think you're being offensive at all. It's like proper. The precocious is like-- Oh, it was like-- Well, behave. Oh. Within the boundaries. Oh, oh. I thought it meant the opposite. What's up with the technical-- I thought it was like being a little devil. Oh, you thought it was ornery? I thought it was being like kind of ornery and like kind of-- Showing mental development skills, maturity, much earlier than years ago. I was precocious, actually. Yeah. But were you also-- you were ornery. That's what you thought. Well, I was just-- I was a little stinker, too. Well, also, why does ornery-- How is it pronounced, onry? Onry? Is that just where I'm from? And he's onry. Yeah. How about we buy some of this beach from property? You're making me onry. Put a Costco up in here. Let's make a deal. Let's make a deal. It's more her own, you see. We don't need that turtle reservation. We need a Texas Roadhouse here. Dude. [LAUGHTER] I see. You just ignited me. [LAUGHTER] You just ignited me. The way I was at a Texas Roadhouse one week ago. Hell yeah, dude. Oh my god, that was fucking awesome. I'm a Chili's guy in terms of that type of-- There's no need to choose. I think-- You eventually cocoon from top to verse. You eventually cocoon from a Chili's guy to a Texas Roadhouse. Oh, you think you'd be-- Okay, okay. Oh, that's being hard. That's being fat versus Chili's and Texas Roadhouse. Yeah. I'll do both. And when you don't get to go that often, you become a kind of guy, whichever one I come across. I will say Chili's an outback steakhouse for my big ones. Can I take something beautiful to happen to me? I told my friends in LA. Meet me at the beach at sunset. I'm going to be swimming. Swimming with me. Yeah. We did that. I love that. Swim for two hours at sunset. I told you about those. Awesome. Got out of the water. We're hungry. Yeah. Guess what? We're 30-minute drive from the Chili's. I say everybody drive off and get in the car. We're going to Chili's. We take down a triple-dipper, some chips and salsa. I go home. I have the craziest heartburn in my life. Of course. It's hard to get to sleep. I'm in pretty much pain. Can't do shit like that anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I smiled with my heartburn. Absolutely. I did this. That's like an old friend. Chili's heartburn is an old friend. Why I used to do that every night of the week. (laughing) Now I do it once a year and I smile while I start going to sleep. Yeah. It's beautiful. And that's when I say the drugs come in. How many drugs? You don't even know you have heartburn. You pass out. Your drugs are getting you off of heartburn. Yeah. I hold my back pain. I don't feel any of it because I'm floating every night. Yeah. Every night I'm like, I guess I'm 200 milligrams of weed. You would be. Well, I say I said we're down to 78 right now. Yeah. That's crazy. I took two milligrams at the at the concert. At the Jack Johnson concert. And I felt, I wouldn't say I felt stoned, but I felt nice. Yeah. I'll get back there. Once I'm done with everything, I'm going to go sober again. I'm going to get into the zone again. But, you know, I have a beautiful fall. Yeah. A beautiful autumn. Sober. In sweaters searching for my wife. Yeah. You know, doing mushrooms to you, getting stuff up my ass. It's going to be, I have a nice October November plant right now. I'm so scared because the last time we had a beautiful conversation, we hung out a couple months ago and we had this beautiful conversation about you settling down. Mm-hmm. And you said, you know, I really think it's coming up. I think I'm going to, I think I'm headed that way. I'm kind of done with my messing around ways. Mm-hmm. I left that conversation with a smile on my face saying, my boy, he's on the, he's on the straight and narrow. Yeah. And you text me the next morning and you said, hey, brother, bad news. That hot waste and chick with the big tits came over last night. I'm bad. I think I was like, I'm bad. I was like, it's fall bad. It's actually awesome. The fuck hot girls. Yeah. Yeah. That is true. And that's why fear is going to happen this fall. I'm going to be expecting you to be at a pumpkin patch with a beautiful young woman. Mm-hmm. In like an ankle length skirt and a cardigan. Yeah. So you're going to bring my bottle girls to my window or something. I'm going to be so sad. Wow. Someone's being classist. Yes. The bottle girl. The hardworking bottle girl. That's why we did this. Doesn't deserve love, according to Caleb. Chance. Chance. Cut everything from four length skirt through classism. It's my show, bitch. Chance. Cut it all. It stays. Chance. I've been recording this whole time. It's been live streaming. We stand on Saturday. The room and ask Chance to come to one of us. Chance. Chance. Chance. Chance. Chance come here. Have a hard time. Yeah. I get that. He wishes he works for you. I'll tell you one thing. I mean, it's wishes he worked for you. The luckiest man on earth is Eldis. Yeah. Eldis lucked into the best job of all time because his friend got accidentally famous. Yeah. And so, yes, I get that. I, you know, you're doing good here, but you know, Eldis unfortunately has, he does have to do more work, but he has a better life. Yeah. I would say. Yeah. He does. I don't know if he has a better life. I don't know if I would go that far. No, unfortunately. Chance gets treated pretty well here. He doesn't get hit. Look, do I abuse Eldis verbally? Yes. But again, he's, it's the easiest job. I mean, not the easiest, but he just, he's fine. You just smoke weed with his best friend forever. You and Chance actually wouldn't be a great pair because Chance is extremely sensitive. He's a sweet boy. No. Totally. Eldis to his credit. It's like a pack, he's like a pack mule. I know. I said stuff to Eldis. Yeah. I'm like, I can't believe you didn't react to that. And he just gave him a target, he'll go, he'll go poorly, he won't make any like decisions on his own. Yeah. Don't, don't expect him to, like if you told him like, hey, Eldis walk there and the door is locked, he would just, like a fucking video game character, be like something's wrong with the door. Right? You'd have to unlock the door, but you know, he's got a great, he's got, he's got it all set up. No, I get that, I get that. No, Chance would be happier with you, I think, but he would be in pain as well because it would hurt. It's feelings would get hurt. It's true. I'm pretty good to Chance. No, no, no, I am pretty ruthless to Eldis, it's true, but I'm only, but I'm only like that cause we have that kind of relationship. He's truly my best friend. We've known each other since kindergarten. And the flip side is he can also, it's all. I'm also having him around because there's no way to start acting like a fucking big shot when this guy's known you since you were like, literally five years old. You know, it's like I actually like being kept honest with like my closest friends around me 'cause like I don't, this shit creeps into you. - Yeah. - People treat, when you start acting, they treat you so way better than they deserve, than actors deserve. And it's only because they're so unreliable. But what you, like everybody has like, someone's assigned to you and you think like, oh, that's like my, you know, if you're a piece of shit, you're like, well, that's my personal butler. I can get them to do anything I want. Really what it is is they don't trust you to be there when they need you to be there. So some 20-year-old kid's job is to like be your handler essentially. - So what it turns out to be if you're responsible is kind of annoying. - Annoying, yeah. - It's their job to come around and knock on your door. I've told PAs that have worked, like the set PAs and movies where I'm like, I know what you deal with. I love you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you not knock on my door 30 minutes before you need me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trust me, crazy. When I'm getting this guy won't show up treatment. - Totally. - I promise you. - Totally. - I'm gonna come when you ask. - But if you're dumb, you could think that's pampering. - Right, right. - There's a lot of things that happen with the trick you into thinking you're more important than you are when you start getting a little success. And I like that my dumb, I like that my dumb friend is responsible for some, like essentially, Eldis, an idiot, is in charge of a multi-million dollar entertainment company, right? That's funny to me. - He's a CEO. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's a CEO. - And that's how I want my business run. I don't want it efficient. And I want the CEO to tell me, I'm being a fucking idiot. I want when I'm like, I'm like, like there was one specific time where I was like, trying to, trying on a shirt for not this special, the last special. And I was like, hey, this shirt kind of fits. Didn't fit at all. I was completely in denial at how much, how fucking, how hard I'd hit the ribs, you know what I mean? Leading up to the special. And I'd pick the shirt out. And I was like, yeah, I could kind of do that. And he's like, yeah, I'm sure you could. And then he like, starts poking my fat. He starts poking the fat coming between the bum. - Taking the marker being like, oh, sure. - Yeah, do you want a washing machine? - He's giving the sorority girl a hazing treatment basically, like all my imperfections. I like that my best friend can just be like, shut up. You know, I like that he can talk to me that way. Whereas like if I just, you know, if I just hired a competent person, it would never happen that way. - I've never hired a competent person in my life. - It's the best. (laughing) We hired the first competent person who actually was a PA on the movie I worked with Kyla. We hired her, like I hired her as my assistant. And it actually is crazy to have somebody that's good at her job work for me. I'm like, I'm like, huh? You did the thing I mentioned offhand, but didn't double and triple check with you to do. She's like, yeah, it's my fucking job. I was like, I almost started fucking calling her. (laughing) She really is like the hiring one competent person. It's like, it's like, Eldis looking at her as like the diner's was looking at the meteor. (laughing) He should be fucking scared. He should be fucking scared right now. (laughing) Oh shit. Oh, stop. What else do you want to talk about? What's going on with you? What do you want to know about? What do you need to get off your chest? You know nothing about the other day? - Yeah. - Was you, how nice it is, how nice it would be to have you back here after I've seen you on all these places you don't belong. (laughing) - I did oh. - I see you on these, I see you on these fucking late night talk shows and New York Times pod shows and I go, bring my boy home. - I need to be here, man. I need to be here, pontificating on the top shortage. - Get him in the So Trudio talking about, I don't know his G-Spot or whatever. (laughing) I can't believe they're asking him about, they're asking about the manosphere on the New York Times podcast. - I know. - It is so sad how fucking bad culture is right now where it's like, I'm a guy they ask about politics. It's like, why aren't we asking, can you ask me about my art? The jokes about busting fast, please. (laughing) I crafted these jokes about busting quickly for years and not nary a mention of them. - And instead they're being like, oh, so, yeah, the Rogan sphere. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's like, come on man, shot the fuck up. - But there you are doing it. - I know, I know. But you know, I don't, I'm not a role model. Please do not look at me for anything. Simply watch the special. That's all I ask. - If we have a message today. - If we have a message, I'm a piece of shit. Don't fucking listen to shit. But put on the special for now. - Don't wanna Uncle stop. - He gets back in points for every view. - I do, yeah, yeah. Caleb's getting a couple points on the back end. He doesn't know this. - I'm getting points, yeah, yeah. No, I get, I just need it to go well. But yeah, I don't know, dude, I'm just a, it's so funny 'cause it is tough 'cause now I'm, I have to talk about shit so much and I have nothing to say. I'm so, like, my brain is so empty. All I wanna do is get fucking high, stumble into movie theater, watch 'em fucking. I watched "Camp Me Asma" great, had a great time. Just slasher, you know what I mean? They're a great filmmaker. How did you say it? Shownberg, Jane. - Jane. - Jane. - I did like a classic New York thing where I was like, I have no plan, I'm gonna walk. Saw that they were showing "Camp Me Asma" and I was like, great, I'm fucking stone this fuck. Get in there, watch it, have a good time. That's all, and then I went home immediately. I was like, fuck, that was an interesting-ass movie. I wanna see how this filmmaker got there. Immediately watched, I saw the TV glow ahead, seen it yet. I love doing shit like that where there's no plan and you just stumble into a day and then you get dinner with a friend who saw it. You talk about the fucking, have ramen, say what you like, what you didn't like. - And by the way, Jane in that film, for not a fat person, made one of the fattest directorial choices I've ever seen. - The KFC. - The homage to dipping sauce? - The dipping sauce is incredible. And how clearly, how clearly the characters' sexual desires were sublimated through the dip in. - Come on. - And the way they each ate was the way they fuck. - You don't mind her reacting to a platter of KFC? - Yeah. - I can't, we gotta chill. I gotta, this is certain stuff I can, I don't wanna be in public talking about. - Yeah, no worries. - It's hot girls talking, getting horny about KFC. That's a tough one for me to build a record about. - Come on. - You were so on a roll there, I thought we were in a safe zone. - Thank God they didn't put bear titties plus KFC in the same scene. That's all I gotta say. - I struggled to think of what might've happened in that film. - That would have been really tough for me. I would have had to leave the theater immediately. - Yeah, instead it was chicken, a bunch of murder. - They gave me a nice murder break. - Yeah. - For my dick to get less hard. - Yeah, after seeing two beautiful women destroy KFC. I mean, again, Shada, yeah, Jane really created a movie that works for many different types of people on many different horny levels, beautiful, beautifully done. - It reached both of our desks. - It really did. - It really did. - It really did, and also, but anyway, that's the type of shit I wanna do. I actually, I am a completely empty vessel right now. I have poured everything into Uncle Style of the standup special. I actually have nothing to say, I have no desires. All I want is to just have experiences like that. Start back from the building block. Fried chicken, titties, and kinda go from there. - Yeah. - The two of them. - The fucking basics. - To me, the food pyramid, the food pyramid to me, fried chicken, titties is the longest one. And then everything, and then vegetables are gonna get every top. - Because you get those every day and some days you make it to vegetables and water. - Right, right, good. Water, water's like here. - Yeah. - Water's like in the second one, titties fried chicken, desserts, breakfast cereals, water, vegetables. - Not breakfast cereals. - Yeah. I love, that's a big treat for me is just crushing breakfast cereals. - Oh yeah. - Like the sweet ones you weren't allowed to have is a little pure. - You're going in on those. - Sometimes I like to get mixtures going. - I'm actually pissed because I've been trying not to do so many. I've gotten to, there's something about my age or my body that if I have sweets after a certain hour, I get heartburned before bed. And so I don't keep sweets in the house anymore. And this is what I'm saying by losing weight being an accident where it's like, I'm not trying to get thin. I'm just doing things. - Your body's attacking you finally. - Hello. - Your body's taking the matters into its own hands. - And saying, hey, we're going to make it impossible for you to enjoy your lifestyle. - That's what happened when I fucking lost my tooth. This tooth, my body was basically like, all right, man. 'Cause what happened was something called tooth resorption which is your body starts absorbing the tooth and like just each the tooth. And I think what happened is my body was like, all right, well, he's not going to stop eating. So we're taking a shift. - Let's take his teeth. - Yeah. And I think your body's doing that with heartburn and sweets. It's like, fuck it. Every time you see, every time you see a twizzler, fucking shoot up that shit. - Give him the chili's treatment. - Pain. - Give him the triple-dipper treatment every time you see. - All right, there's just a dispatcher going, sin pain. (laughing) - He's eyeing a cosmic brownie at 11 p.m. Sin pain. - They should let us do fat. What's the movie where they have all the elemental? - No. - Fucking osmosis Jones. - Osmos, no, no, no, no, no, shit. - No, but it is a sin. - We should do fat inside out. - Yeah. - We should do fat inside out for sure. - My point was I had a fat friend staying at my house and she left. And when I got home, there was fucking fat people food in the cabinets again. - Awesome. - This fat bitch. (laughing) This fat, ungrateful bitch left cocoa pebbles in my cabinets. - That's fucking, that whore left her troughful. - I can't. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came home stoned from the bar and saw them and I was like, no, my God. - If I had seen that, I would have started sending the whale at the end. I'd be like, it was like, I hear the halo music. I'm like, yes. - It was truly like if I was depressed and she left a loaded gun in the cabinet. (laughing) - Just in case. (laughing) - I didn't use it, but you could. (laughing) - I was like, you were even cocoa pebbles in my cabinet. - Awesome. - Here's what I love to do. Coco pebble bass. Then we need like cocoa pebbles. No, cocoa pebbles, that's the sprinkles basically, right? The Bay. would be like a honey checks. Sure. He went something with a little, or you could go like a, a, a, a Cheerios variant. Yeah, right? Like some, something that feels healthy, right? Apple Cheerios, cinnamon, cinnamon, life cereal, just something that has a little bite to it too. Yeah. You know? And then you want to go with, you want to go with something that's more, like a, like a, like, little more panache, right? Coco, not a cocoa pebble, but a cocoa puff. This is the second layer is the puff layer. Yeah. Right? Crunch with a little hard. I mean, I don't even have to explain it. You don't get it immediately. And then you, we finish off with a flaky, with a fruity pebble, with a cocoa pebble, with maybe even like some, or we know it sometimes can be a good base, special K with chocolate in it. Yeah. You know, some of that, but we ended, we end flaky, we go puff, and then we have a, that, can I just say that if you're doing the special K with the chocolate that you mix it with Reese's puffs, yes. Would that fucking kill you? Right away. And then you throw the cocoa fucking pebbles up top. Hello, are you fucking? That's beautiful, milk, milk, milk, big, not, and not the good, not the good for you kind without the lactose or any of that shit. Full fat, regular milk from a cow. Oh my god. This morning. And here's what I like to do. Let it fucking simmer a little bit. What's that? Let it soften a little bit. You're getting it mushy. I'd leave it just, but here's the thing. Just to the point where it still has bite. You can't let it over mush. Yeah. It's a very specific time frame. It's a time frame. It's a time for dance. You have to dance. I fucked up the other day. I was, I was making bacon. And it, it ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And I'd already put it into the cereal. So by the time the bacon finished the cereal had become mush into mush. Yeah. And it was really, really not good for me. That's brutal. I'd still take the cereal down. I'd still figure out. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. It was just a bowl of special cake. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's another thing now. That's I try to make my treats like. Oh, special cake. You don't have to be, you don't have to go about about it. Special cake is a treat. It doesn't give me heartburn. It was breakfast. It wasn't a treat. It was bread. It was like the fundamental meal of my day. Me cereal is a fake. It's not a breakfast food. It's a treat. Well, that's because you're eating fucking cocoa. No, no. I think big cereal is fucking ruined your mind at no point. Big cereal is ruined my mind. Yeah. You don't know shit about my mind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I really do. I think you have fallen into the paradigm where they say this shit is healthy. Grains with milk is never healthy. Special cake is not too bad for you. I don't think you'll fuck out of here. Special cake. I don't think it's too bad with some turkey bacon. You can't tell me that's not about. I have toast. I have toast. I have toast with bananas. I have turkey bacon. On this day, I had a little bowl of cereal and I have some low acid, no pole points juice. And ask me why it has to be a low acid stuff. Heartburn. Because of my fucking heartburn. Heartburn. I'm sick. I'm 31 years old. Yeah. And I'm being attacked by heartburn. Yeah. It's disgusting. I would say this, like I said, your body's giving you signals. Yeah. Look, what you what the universe wants from us and what's probably going to happen is that you and I both become bodacious. I'm so sexy. Sexy. I do for years. I do want to get big arms. I don't want to be not fat, but I do want fucking. I can't have you feel my muscles on here. I've done it too many times. It's fine. When the cameras cut, I'll feel them. I want you feel my muscles and my legs. Yeah. You can feel my legs anytime you want to. Bro, first of all, who are you talking to? I'm the calf god. I won't even pull them out because you'll get fucking calf dysmorphia, dude. Mine are better than that. Fuck no. You're out of your fucking mind. You're better than that. Let the people decide. What you calf up, calf, good fucking luck. Good fucking luck. Get one on the slap your shit dude. You don't know shit about these guys. You're fucking out. You notice when you slapped yours and had a jiggle, mine doesn't move. Yeah, because I have fucking my elastic. My she can fucking my she can't fucking adjust to the, you know what I mean? Mine doesn't need to. It's fucking rock solid. I only tell you another thing. If Nicole were to charge at me right now. If Nicole would come over her table, I would grab her by the side of the head and put her to the ground so fucking quick and use my leg to. Oh, that's cool. To pin down the arm so that there was no punching back. Of course. I can find Nicole no problem. I agree with that. I don't know what that has to do with our calves that you could that you could assault your employee. Yeah. It has a lot to do with my calves. If I can catch you might charge me and win. I see. But because of my calves, I'm going to get an angle on how I can put it around. I see. I have had this thought where I I don't know that you could, but you know, I'd love to figure that out someday. I can't wait until she finally does attack you. I do think someday she will. Yeah. That's going to be awesome. I, I've had this thought ever since fucking my backup. I've understood why people have guns now. Okay. Because like now that I've heard, let's say I was in an assault situation, right? And I'm not going to get a gun, right? Let me just say that. Okay. But before I fucked my backup, I always had that like dumb, like male idea that it's like, look, I'm not going to fight anybody, but should push come to show. I could tap into a secret well of alpha energy. Yeah. And fuck anybody that I've been building up by being polite to people that are rude to me in public. Every time I haven't gone off on a guy that stepped too close to me on the sidewalk, that was me reserving it. I was be reserving the energy. Every time I could make eye contact with a waitress because she forgot my extra serving of bacon. That was me reserving it. I'm saving that for an intruder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I always had that. And I always, you know, I run my mouth too much. I talk shit. And now I'm realizing like, oh, because my bag is fucked up, I would just automatically lose every fight. Like in the past, that was obviously still true. But in my head, I didn't believe it. Yeah. Right. But now that I'm like, if I, I either have to stop talking shit, or I need a weapon. Yeah. That's what I realized. Yeah. And look, I'm not getting a gun, but now I'll just say, get a gun. Yeah, I do. I mean, first of all, how cool would like a pearl, like a pearl handle pistol? It looks nice. In your sock. Yeah. My sock, a little ankle. Yeah. No, no, I don't want to fight you. I'm just going to surrender. I'm just surrendering. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fucking surrendering my ankle. Really? It's just fuck you. Like, yeah, yeah, something like that. So it's dropped in two times. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, hold on. One second. Just beating the fuck out of me. He just caved my skull in with a trash can. Well, I'm bending over to pick up my gun. No, I gotta, I gotta stop hanging out with lesbians for real because the point of getting a gun, these lesbians are coming into my house and at every turn talking to me about the grid going down and staffing to like, I just can't. It's like, they, but they won't, I'm not supposed to get a gun. What's the answer? Either the grid's going down and we're all gonna get a gun. I know you want to get a gun. That's why I'm giving you. I'm telling you, there's never been a better time to be a person with good politics who wants a gun. You're right. A lot of people that used to be like, oh, that's horrible are now kind of being like, whatever you need to do. Well, I'm scared of obviously having a gun and killing myself. That's kind of the main worry. Just don't do it. But sometimes it seems like a great idea. Killing yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now the gun is probably, that's a little too violent. I probably would just, that's not how you do it. No. And I know that about you. No, it would have to be, it would have to be theatrical. Yeah. It would have to be because I couldn't, if I did, if I took, like, I know the feeling of taking too many edibles and regretting it, but I would go to a hospital and have them pump my stomach in between. So I couldn't take pills. I would need to, like, I don't know, jump or something. We're like, yeah, don't do it. Well, you have to make it a way. It's not going to inconvenience everybody though. No, but you want to make it about you. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I'd be a classic sub. Maybe how about you find out when an enemy has a very important meeting and you jump in front of their train. I'd be awesome. Or kill yourself in front of your enemy. Oh, true. You did this. Oh, you know what I mean? This was you. And they're fucked. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Unfortunately, stop. You can never kill yourself because too many people would be delighted now. Yeah. Like, that's just the thing about being a guy. Like, there's going to be some people that are celebratory. You can't have them dancing on your grave. It's more the, it's more the, like, accident factor of a gun. Like, I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself. But I think what I would do is be high and be like, oh, what if I fucking kill a. Hey, fuck you. And I would just be shooting my friends as a joke. And then I forget there's one bullet in the chamber. And I'm like, and there goes Labor Day weekend for everybody. Yeah. I see that. I can see that happening. But, you know, I do like the idea of being of maybe as you're abandoning lesbians, I think this is my Europe. You pick them up. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they need a guy like us around. I just don't, I think we're really missing out on. I have been very, I'm jealous culturally of what gay guys and straight girls get. Why don't straight guys and lesbians get a similar dynamic? I think a lot of them do. And I think it's time for me to just jump in there really. I think you jump in there. And I think, you know, if anything ever happened to you, stop, I would be destroyed. Thank you, man. You know, I text you yesterday because you post that stupid fucking memorial bit. I would say what I posted was genius guerrilla marketing. You post that stupid guerrilla, that guerrilla marketing. Post that stupid memorial bit. And I text you and said, you know, you're too big to be acting like this. Right. And that's where that's where the internalized fat phobia shows. Oh, I thought being you could be healthy fetish. Who said anything about healthy? You'll note I said sexy. I'm under no delusions about my 2016 to 2017 weight. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. My last year of college, some things occurred that should not have occurred. Sure. Health-wise. Sure, sure, sure. The mix of depression, not walking anywhere and access to student loans that I had led to some diabolical food choices that I will pay for. You basically, you made yourself feel for a year. Dude, it's worse. I didn't even do cool shit like that. I went to a place called Hu Hot. I'm Mongolian Grill for every meal that I could convince someone to go. I will say I at least had the - It's a good sense to be like, if you find yourself there alone, it's too far. I would go and have-- - The Mongolian girls like where you pick out the stuff and they grill it up for you. - Yeah, and I would do three plates, and the plates are not small. I would do like heaping plates. Go home so miserable I couldn't do anything for hours. - But that feels nice. As someone who has been in that zone, it feels nice finding your restaurant that's gonna drive you. It's, you're in abusive relationship with one meal basically, and it feels good. - It feels really good to know that how good it's gonna hit. - Yeah, you're like, fuck, there will be, there will be 10 minutes of this day that are incredible. - The rest of them will be horrible on either side of it. - Yeah, it's gonna be bad, but those 10 to, if we stretch it out 17 minutes, 'cause even by plate one and a half, you're already full. - You feel bad. - You're just still, the worst is when you're in the dragon. - The worst, yes, when you're in line already mad at yourself, you haven't even gotten the food, you're like, this is gonna fucking suck. You're like, this isn't the one. Where it's like, that's what I call fat purgatory. Where you really wanna go to hell. - Yeah. - But you can't even find the choice. - Yeah. - So now, like, I did this where I was like, I was really fucking iron, I just couldn't land on anything, and I ended up ordering like, fucking $80 of bad Italian food. - Yeah. - I was eating pasta. - Yeah. - Had a fucking plastic container to buy myself. - Not good. - I was like, I didn't know what I wanted so I got all of it. Tough. - Yeah, I didn't know what I wanted, and I convinced myself I'd save some for lunch tomorrow. So I went ahead and got four on trades. - Exactly. - Yeah. - And then if you're lucky, you never have it again. If you're not lucky, you wake up and you legitimately have it. Not for lunch, for breakfast. And you just warm up, fuck, you put some tagliatelle, some fucking lasagna, the meatballs, you fucking mix it up and-- - Stir 'em in there. - A fucked up little casserole, tastes like shit. You still eat it. And in your head, you're like, well, it's fucking, meatballs have protein. - Yeah, it's good, it's good. I mean, what's the difference between this and Bacon? - What's the difference between is a big fat guy conundrum? - What's the difference between this and-- - Here's the most classic one for me is when I started, what's the difference in chicken tenders instead of fries? 'Cause I was like, (laughing) I was like, well, listen, they're both fried, right? - You have a side of fries or a side of chicken tenders? - Yeah, so if I get a burger, watch the difference. - What's the difference in? - In fact, you might be able to say, the chicken breast is healthier. It has protein, whereas the potato does not. And then of course, you do that one time and then the second time you get chicken tenders, burger, and fries, very quickly you're like, well then I'll get a small fry. - What's the difference is the key question for the fat guy? - Yeah, what's the-- - And the answer is, there's a huge difference. - Oh, there's always a gigantic difference. - Yeah. - Well, we bread and French toast, it's both bread. They're both bread. It's like, that's me at Portillo's in Chicago deciding between a chocolate chip cookie and a cake shake. (laughing) What's the difference? About 2700 calories, my friends. - But the form factor is very important, you know what I mean? You're like, what's the difference between this chicken sandwich and, you know, fucking a whole family meal? (laughing) - Wasn't there's been one grilled chicken sandwich and like, you know, a bunch of nuggets. - And a bucket of fried chicken? - And a bucket of chicken, yeah. - It's awesome. - I think you know what time it is. - You wanna go get some fried chicken? - Fuck, I wish. (laughing) - Dude, I might-- - Actually, maybe. - I literally might go get fried chicken right now. - No, you know it's time to roll. - Oh, hell yeah, you still owe me $50, you piece of shit. (laughing) - Where's my money? - You owe me my back end on this upcoming special. - Jeeps gate. - You ready? - Yeah. - All right, 50, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 and more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars. - No, you won't. - Hey, you don't owe me. - I already fucking got it right now. - You don't know that, I get fucking dick. - We do pay. - You didn't pay me, motherfucker. - You don't pay, but we send a gas pay, do you accept it? - I don't know. - Do you accept the gas pay? - Don't try and flip this one. - Don't play with me. - All right. - Give me a fucking crisp $50 bill. How about that, you motherfucker? - Well, you're like this. - This is a piss. - This is a piss. - Everything's gotta be means tested. You gotta fucking do it. You gotta do it. You gotta fucking, you gotta apply for food stamps. How about we just feed the people, can we? How about we just give winners $50. Don't make them jump through your fucking hoops. - Yeah, okay. - You know what you're doing. You've created a bureaucratic nightmare to keep me away from my $50. - You know, this is why people talk shit on you behind your back, so I'll do that. (laughing) - All right, yeah. - The Wizard of Oz won the Oscar for Best Picture. - True. - False. - The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean. - True. - True. Randy Orton was discharged from the Marines for going AWOL. - False. - True. - Fuck. - The modern helicopter was invented in 1949. - True. - False, 1939. - Mary Ansonek is the current principal of John Vera Elementary. - False. - True. - The atomic number term I fucking emails, by the way. I'm, that was the elementary school I went to and I'm trying to do a fucking pro, I'm trying to give back and they won't let me. - Where the, it's blood money. (laughing) - We don't want your podcasting dollars. - We don't want your money. - These are working class kids. The atomic number of boron is four. - Fuck, Hydrogen is one. - False. - False, five. Honda is older than Toyota. - True, false. The Red Hot Chili Peppers released two full albums in 2022. - True. - True. White beat dolphins are the largest dolphins species. - False. - False, it's Orcas. A story of Queens was named after Peter Francis Aster. - False. - False, it's John Jacob Aster. China has more lakes than any other country. True. False, it's Canada. Morse Chestnut once owned 200 dealerships. I'm gonna say true. - That is true. - The Amazon river flows east to west. - Yes. - True. - False, it's west to east. - The US Constitution was signed in 1787. - No, false. - True. Greece's motto is freedom or death. - Yes, that is true. - True. - How do you? - Seven. - Fuck you. - Oh, stop. - Those were all fucked. You're right, helicopter, 10 years off is bullshit. - It's bullshit. - It's absolutely bullshit. - He's a bad guy in a villain. I crushed it last time though, whatever, who cares? - You did crush it last time. - I guess we'll just call it even on the 50 bucks. - That's not how that shit works. (laughing) - You were gonna give me 100, nice try. And you know for a second, I was like, that seems fair. (laughing) - He's a good guy, he's a friend of mine. - Hey, that's good, we'll call it even. - Yeah, all right, let's just get out of here. - Let's get out of here what we can. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, tell people where they can find you, how they can support Uncle Stov. - Netflix baby, not, you know, watch Uncle Stov, please, I worked very hard on it. We have a bunch of other shit, you know, I got my, we did a tour documentary actually. There's seven episodes of this entire tour, it was like over two years long. It kept getting extended because I broke my arm, I did a bunch of shit. So we did a tour doc. So that's there, watch tires, watch Tony, all that good shit baby. - I had, what about a fucking so true? - What's your so true? - My so true is live laugh love. They were cooking with that. - Dude, live laugh love is so true. - Yeah, it's true as fuck. - Say that again, I was like, 'cause think about it, living is awesome. - Say it, yeah. - Loving. - Gotta be number one. - The best. - Yeah, laughing. - You're with your friends, what do you want to do other than laugh? - Bust and not, and just experience everything. - And by the way, interesting that Busting and Not is loving to you. - Well, that's one of, that's a type, that's a type of love. - There's erotic love, there's filial love, there's paternal, maternal love, you know. There's a lot of different options, platonic love. - And think about the opposite of live laugh love, by the way. Think about that. - Oh my God, die, die cry hate, die cry hate, fuck that. - And we'd like to make fun of that, 'cause it's like it's become a, it's whine o'clock somewhere. - Yeah. - A type of thing, it's a whine mom thing, it's not making fun of, and by the way, crushes eat prey love. - Crushes. - Get prey out of fear. - Fuck prey. - I'm not praying for shit. - Fuck prey. - Fuck that. Eat and love, alright maybe, but eat as part of live. - Yeah. - Eat as part of live. - It's part of live. - So it's all ready in the umbrella of live. - And to me, I'm just like, fuck, it's corny as fuck, but that's how much I've been beaten down by like having to actually work. And so much achieving my dreams has negatively affected me personally is that I am now saying, you know what, live laugh love is right. - Live laugh love. - Those motherfuckers, that whatever middle age woman came up with that, I tip my cap to her. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to laugh. I'm trying to love. - Don't look into it because it was, we would probably find with a little bit of research that it was done by like, Shell Gas Corporation to promote like, driving to the lake or something. It's like, hobby lobby. It's deeply homophobic. - Yeah. - But it's probably not. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what, it's probably not because we're not looking at origins of live laugh love. - I know I want to look into it. - The phrase, it comes from a 1904 poem titled "Success" by Bessie Anderson Stanley. - Wow. - Shout out to Bessie. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What's not looking to her? - Yeah, Bessie was trying to get slavery reversed in the 1900s. - Yeah. - And what's not looking to her? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because what she said was fucking beautiful. - That's beautiful. - Live laugh love is fucking beautiful. - It's awesome. - People live as a treat. - And I love laughing and I love living. - I love when you live and I love loving and I love laughing. - I fucking love when you live. - I love when you laugh. - Yeah. - I'm trying to live. I'm trying to love. I'm trying to laugh. - I'm laughing at your life. - I'm laughing at your love. - I'm laughing at your life and your laughter. - Exactly. It's kind of perfect. And I catch me this fall. - Living laughing and loving. - I will catch you living laughing and loving. Stop. - Yeah. - That means the world to me that you said that. - Thanks for it. - I feel that we connect on many things. But sometimes I feel, no, I just don't feel it's very often that we connect on my sort of corn ball. Exactly. You know, a session with sunsets and Yes, yes, yes, and I know there was a guest is this like Caleb's thing does he love saying live left love If I miss that no one expected you No one Off of you, but that's why that's why it's so true I had to plum the depths of my psyche and say to myself I have not been doing enough living loving or laughing Yeah, I've been doing too much working, you know, I mean content producing and promoting yeah, and that sucks dick compared to live left loving Live life love is a beautiful sentiment. I think we reclaim it. We reclaim it here today was completely gorgeous Thank you, man, and I do want to thank you for saying it, and I could honestly get to a place of crying right now if I wanted to Because I do think it's that beautiful. Yeah, that you said that, but it was extremely cool for you to say that Thanks, man, and I send you my love. Thank you. Thank you everyone And please check us out next summer at camp not gang anymore. That's what I want to plug You know what check us out in in the Catskills camp not gang anymore in the same way that there's there's always money in the banana stand from Or else the development when you and I decide to do the duo to work camp not gay anymore and just fucking forget about it Forget about that tour makes a lot of money. Okay, actually, I know we should cut the camera Let's cut the cameras. I don't want to go on a full tour next year, but what if we did like four dates together Four is too small. Let's cut the cameras.