Stationary

[MUSIC] Yes, my greatest trick. You never saw this coming. Mike, can you maybe explain what's going on? I think he's recording from an actual recording studio. It looks as the look of a, it has the crisp, sort of, clinical, matte look of a, yeah. Oh, it's crisp, right? Yeah, recording studio. For years, I've been laying the groundwork for years. Make it seem like Henry's a bit silly, doesn't know what he's doing. Oh, yeah. More groundwork day after day. Make it seem that Henry's a bit disorganized. Groundwork day after day, month after month, year after year. And then you hit them. You hit them in the least expecting it. It's Tuesday morning. And suddenly everything's changed. The rules have been reversed. The chessboard is upside down. Have you been interviewed by Mariela Frostrup this morning? Is that why you're there? Yeah. What are you? As if I've been interviewing Mariela Frostrup this morning. In my new podcast, the rest is Frostrup. Yes, it's happening. Because Frostrup has also been laying the seeds for years, digging the groundwork. Oh, I want to do a podcast with Richard Osmond. Yeah, people will believe that. No, it's groundwork. I think you're getting mixed up between Mariela Frostrup and Mariela Hyde. Or have you been mixed up? So where are you, Henry? I am in a recording studio. West. A tiny recording studio. In London. I mean, London. Did you shit the flat? I did. I didn't shit the flat. Well, I do have a protocol in place for that. I've got a parcel of stuff that I'm interested in. In case I do shit the flat. I've got a whole parcel within your identity and stuff. Everyone's got to have one of those. It's called your escape parcel. It's got a new agency. It's got a driver's license, trousers. Yeah. A few euros. That's all you need. Yeah. A trousers license. You need a license for those trousers, isn't it? Name badge saying Doctor Howard Flumpington. Yeah. I, yeah. So I'd say for the listening listener. Henry just dabbed his brow in the manner of a kind of southern lawyer. It's true. A napkin sort of sopping with grittest grease. It's, I remember I'm walking my brow because I've basically hired a small room in a studio in order to get out of the heat. Are you escaping the heat? I'm escaping the heat. I see. So I've hired a small room. So basically yesterday I was looking around for ideas online. Most podcast studios are quite expensive. They're quite expensive. Yeah. And they normally they've got like a sort of mid-century aesthetic. They do. They'll be like a sort of cool wooden sort of chest of drawers thing behind you. On top of which it'll be like a sort of funny statue of a dinosaur. Okay, so there's a bit of whimsy. There'll be some whimsy, there'll be some sort of exposed light bulb stuff. But I managed to find this a new sort of business I guess, which is it's essentially a sort of rack 'em high stack 'em deep sort of industrial podcast unit. Oh my god. Yeah. We're part of that problem. Just sling another podcast on the pile. Just light up another square in the grid. Yeah, so I'm in studio 33. Having said that. What there's more than 33 studios there? Yeah, absolutely. 33 or 4,000. It's something like that. So you're in some sort of massive industrial cube somewhere. Yeah. On the outskirts of London. It's surrounded by boxes where there's other yabbering. Yabbering middle aged men. Potentially whimsical knobs. Yeah. Yeah, bring away. Yeah, so I'm kind of like a sort of, I'm all sorts of battleships. I'm a kind of grid reference number. I'm a sort of 33, 9 across J. Yeah, it is a little bit characterless and solace and bleak. How's my sound quality though? It's. Is it? It's very good, yeah. Yeah, that's good. If you wanted to, you could lay down some classic FM voiceover. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that was Puccini. Oh my god. Yeah, perfect. Does the studio come with a. Yeah. A cheeky producer/sidekick. I'm Herman. Hello. Hi. So, yeah, I was off of him on the way in. And. Oh, it's like it, Herman. Yeah. Really, really quite frowning to be around in the flesh. He had a sort of metal sort of collar around his neck and he was chained to the walker. He comes out here. I'm so. Come on. I can do a sidekick. I can do wacky. I can do wacky. I'm not too wacky. He comes out here. That's a thing. If you step beyond that, you'll get within his zone and he'll. I'll show you neck flesh out. I can do any kind of podcast. Sport. Wellness. Scam. Did you see any of the podcasters arriving for work this morning? No, let's slow this right down and go right back to the beginning. Mm-hmm. Okay. I'm in an alley. That's where this is. I'm seven years old. My parents have just been shot. Yeah. And I know there are two ways for me to go in like. I'm holding the gun, but I can't remember what happened. The highly trained martial arts rat is trying to coax me into the sillis. It is very like that, actually. It's very teenage mutant. Ninja Batman. Ninja Batman. Is it heroes on ninjas or doesn't matter? I think it was ninjas. Well, why understood at the time as a child was it was supposed to be ninjas, but ninjas were supposed to inflammatory a word for the UK. So they were called heroes. That's what I thought. Okay. Yeah. So I booked this thing quite late, quite late last night. I had a panic about the heat. Mm-hmm. I'm approaching the heat the wrong way, because I'm pretty sure that my brother has the right philosophy I think, which is we've just got to live with it. Get used to it. That's the way society's going. Mm-hmm. Britain's getting hotter. There's no point fighting it by seeking areas of air con or fans or you might as well. Well, like when you go and holiday to a hot country, for example, if you go and holiday to India, you'll get off the plane and there'll be a, you'll be boiling, there'll be guy walking on wearing jeans. Yeah. It looks really fine. Yeah. And that's what we have to become, I think. We just have to get used to it. I was, I remember when I went to Brazil. I was amazed by the amount of jeans we're going to go on. There's so much. Quite tight jeans. You get that a lot on the end, sort of made as well, sort of grease and the love ant. I mean, it's, I'm impressed by it. Yeah. I'm impressed by it. Because when it's hot, my thing is always, but wear light fabrics and try and get space between the fabric and the flesh to create a kind of air system flowing around my billowy, because you know what I'm like. It's like Julio Iglesias walking into the room, isn't it? When, in a Julio Iglesias video, when you meet me in the summer. And you want to billow. There's a lot of billowy. It's the billowing sleeves that I like. Yeah. While everything's linen and light. And you pound as well. Oh yeah, I'll pound. You can present more surface area of your lips to the air so you can cool down, isn't it? Exactly. It's not just vanity. No, no, no. It's a cooling mechanism. It's like a dog lollying its tongue. Exactly. It's not just vanity, as you say. And similarly, the castenettes in each hand. They're not vanity either. Those are clacking away the hot air. They are. And also the small plates food that I then serve. I then serve everyone. It's also another way of getting my body out into those potatoes, brother. Delicious pork croquettes. Into the croquettes. Those croquettes have been coquetted up like a crack. Uh oh. I can't believe the podcast is going this way. I've come to a professional podcast studio. Why aren't we talking about Chopin, for example? I had a panic last night about the heat. I put this thing last night. I came across this sub-subculture. I was googling cheap podcast studios near me. And nothing was quite right. And then I found this thing, this business. And they've got them around London. They've got around the world. And he was a weird thing about it. I went on WhatsApp to ask a question. Thinking I'd get an AI. I got a real person. At 20 to midnight. I was asking my questions. Where were they on earth? Do you know? That's a great question. I don't know. But it was very much this is the future of things. And I think this is the future of things. What I'm experiencing. So I booked it in. I talked to this person on WhatsApp. I booked it in. I turned up today. It's an alley. I'm literally in an alley. That's where I'm broadcasting from. So I went up an alley in Camden. Wheelie Bens. Yeah. Graffiti. Dancing rats. Focals having a knife fight. All that stuff. And it's code. It's a code based system. Basically, I haven't seen a human being since I came into this place. I'm including the conversation I'm having with you two. Fuck it on the internet. Frankly. The way you treat me. So code into the door. Could chunk. Door doesn't open. Flashing red. Already, I think. I'm now trapped in a kind of horror world. Of calling call centers around the outside of the world. Refreshing numbers. I breathe. I do it again. Door. Door, door, door, door. Could chunk. It opens. I'm in. What a storyteller. A lot of people wouldn't bother with the first. Could chunk. But where I didn't get it. And a lot of people would skip this bit that I'm on right now as well. So I go into a black space, the completely black space, at this point I think is what's about to happen to me exactly the same as what happens to Joe Pesci's character in Goodfellas. The lights blink on, it isn't a podcast you do, it's an empty room, I turn round, bends there with a gun to my head, the next thing I know, you're driven to a cornfield I think about. No, that's, that that's, I think that's from Casino, that is Casino. In Goodfellas it's, he thinks he's about to be made. The door at the room's empty, he goes, "Oh no, pow!" He's over. I thought maybe I'm about to be killed by Mike and Ben, the whole thing was a set up, there is no podcast studio where you're going to hire. Well, as if it isn't, yes, you can get customer service at 20 to midnight, you dick, that's from a real person. I'm actually curious. So the lights blink on in that kind of pink, pink, pink, pink, and I'm in this sort of space which is like Rums 1 to 17, this way, you know, Rums 17 to 34, this way, various arrows and stuff, it's all exposed brick, it's very graffiti, in fact oddly, it is very teenage mutant hero turtles coded to the whole place, it's all exposed brick, graffiti, but sort of deliberate graffiti. Yeah, it's sort of deliberate, it's actually quite hard to tell whether this is, I'm genuinely in a kind of dark countercultural space, or if I'm in something like owned by Max and Spencer's or something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, so it's, there's lots of, there's lots of radical stickers, stuff to things like stickers with skulls on and stuff. Right, yeah. Stacked things on a slightly wonky angle. Okay. Punk, cool, skull, graffiti, 90s. Genuinely, the toilet seat has been ripped off and is lying on the floor. So I think they have decided that in Emma's head, had quarters to try and get feel edgy. They've got two things to discuss today, one is the relaunch of the ultra-posh prawn cocktail sandwich. How many prawns, they are quite big prawns, how many prawns is it going in a sandwich? Can we do that trick of putting the bigger prawns around the rim? I'm on the inside, it can just be like mashed up crab brains, lobster, rice, anything that crunches a bit. Old sort of defunct, lottery, scratch cards, mashed up. And how gingoistics should we go with the sandwich delivery this year? Probably well, because his world cups are probably maximally gingoist. So it's all going maximally gingoistics and jordges crosses on little bits of funding. Everywhere the space. So it's that. And what we know about the toilets at that podcast studio, they're too conventional as it sounds conventional, because podcasting is such an edgy medium, rip off the seat but also actually replace the seat but leave the ripped off one on the floor. So yeah, so you get both. Best of both worlds. I think an argument could be made that podcasting is potentially the least edgy medium in the world of media. Never have I been so close to standing up and literally pulling my trousers down. Live on pod, just to try and desperately make this experience more edgy. Well, speak for your own content that you provide to the podcast. We literally did adverse to encourage people to become a magistrate. Yeah. But I tell you what, actually, it's not so. I've not seen a human solstice I've been in here. Oh, really? I then popped out for a coffee, came back and I did see the only other human sol I've seen so far today, cargo shorts, stripy t-shirts and guitar slung over his back. What making his way towards the studios? Ed Sheeran, a man who is old enough to be Ed Sheeran's grandfather. No, but it was a classic. There's a middle age bloke walking towards the studio with a guitar. So maybe laying down some stuff. He's going to cut some tracks finally. Cut some tracks. Yeah. And also as he was going in, he stopped and had a little cigarette, a little cheeky cigarette before he went in. Hmm. Yeah. And did you, did you send anything to this guy? Sweet acts, dude. Were my exact words. I'm recording a podcast myself. So is this going to raise your game? What will see? Is there a communal breakout area? Is there a place where you can hub for you and the other creatives to exchange ideas? There is a communal area. So I've not, yeah. It's a great place to get together and talk about the toilet. Isn't it? Yeah. I'll be talking for us to bond over. Oh, there's also a, um, to add to this dystopian vibe. There's a Doritos machine. Cool. Yeah. So that's who you talked into last night and what's that? Yes. I was talking to the Doritos machine. He kept on saying, that's a tangy idea. Please excuse me, Henry. I've got a dip. Oh, nice. Nicely done. Yeah. Very nice. He done. Am I wrong in saying that I feel like Doritos have slightly fallen out of the cultural zeitgeist or you may have, um, maybe you've aged out of the Doritos, you know, do you think it's a time of life? The age of life. Yeah. It could be. Yeah. I feel like they were huge about 20 years ago, though, they were ubiquitous 20 years ago. Yes. I don't see them about. Pringles have remained quite strong. Yeah. Yeah. Doritos, I thought I felt, um, let down. Well, I basically, I sometimes want tortilla chips. Like, sometimes I want a classic tortilla chip. And I'll tend to go for like the supermarket's own brand or whatever. Yeah. Cause I want like a plane. And I always can think about three days ago. I think of they're not quite, are they like a futuristic version of a, you know, what are they're not quite just a tortilla chip. They've got a self-contained flavour powder. That's what they're bringing. But I didn't want that. I just, I didn't like those crisps unless they are absolutely covered in jalapenos and mountain jizz and salsa and guacamole. Then I'm interested. And in the form of a hat, in the form of a hat. Yeah. That you're wearing while watching the game. Exactly. Yeah. And also what the fuck is cool original? What is a Dorito? Is it a tortilla chip or is it something else? Is it some other vision of, I think, um, in the European legal system, it has to be class as a building material. Yes. Yeah. Because, because what it's actually made of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's great for, um, it's great for, um, stuffing into wall cavities, isn't it? A lovely way to insulate an extension here. Yeah. Or that does encourage rats, beavers, spring breakers and spring breakers. And if you get spring breakers in a cavity wall, from the council's point of view, it becomes your problem because they breed as well. And they breed very quickly. Yeah. And they do very, very noisy drinking games. Mm-hmm. Then they go all weepy. And they go all weepy homesick. Yeah. The only way to get rid of them sadly is a poisoned ranch sauce. That's right. And you know what's so heartbreaking about it is, as they're eating it, you'll see their heads for the first time will poke out through through through through this gap in the scurrying board. Yeah. From the smell of the, of the ranch sauce. The whole bodies won't come out because they've only got the head to spring breakers, haven't they? Their bodies are kind of meshed together and kind of fleshy sort of intertwining, kind of lattice. Yeah. A bit like the inside of a swimming costume. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. The bit that when it's there and you want to wear them as shorts, you're not sure if you can wear pants at the same time as well or not. Exactly. That bit. Yeah. But their little heads will come out and they'll lick the, the ranch sauce. And they'll go, thank you, sir. Thank you. I will study more on my studies now. I'm going to work hard for you. Thank you so much. Maybe one day I'll go to Yale. And it's at that point when they say, yeah, you have to stand on the head at that point and it will explode and you're fine. And the rest of them just with it, don't they? The rest of them on the inside just with a nice process. It's really not a nice browser. It's so harrowing. And that's why we say to avoid that. Do not use Doritos as insulation, right? That's what we're saying. If we take nothing else away from today's book, let it be that. Now, a reminder, if you'd like to put something into the B machine, simply go to enter the beanmachine dot boats and do that. Oh, Lou, by the way, from Bend, Oregon, loose from Bend, Oregon. Oregon. Bend, I've never had a bend. Oregon, I'd love to get Oregon very, very much. I've got a bit of a fascination with that kind of Pacific Northwest thing. And obviously, to see the oregano fields, see the white, see the oregano, the live oregano, scampering through the sea. Yeah. Because there are a form of dry lizard on there. They're very, very, very, very dry lizard with an exoskeleton, aren't they? A very playful, dry exoskeleton lizard. Oh, but you can milk them. Doesn't mean you can't milk them. Everything's a game to the origami. That's why there's that phrase that which you often get woven into what they call those east coast sort of things that they weave horseshoes horseshoes, that's it. No, you know, they like to make quilts, doesn't it? Yes. The home's fun wisdom on. Yes. So one of the little phrases they have is If you can't find the nipples on an arrogant. - Oregon and Arnie. - If you can't find the nipples on an arrogant and Arnie, he just ain't looking hard enough. It's a really lovely go-get 'em kind of after his nipples. It's a go-get 'em after his nipples. - Something I try and tell myself every single day. - Yeah, yeah. And that can work if you can't find the nipples on anything. Well, not finding the nipples on an arrogant, you can sub that in for anything you're trying to achieve in your life. - Yes, that's right. - That's right. For example, finding the nipples on an arrogant. That's a worse example to get. - But it does work. - It does work. - It maps well. - It maps fully. That's the first test, isn't it, any phrase? Does it work on its own terms? Just a head off of bolicking at the past. Henry mentioned the East Coast whereas, of course, Oregon's on the West Coast. Oh, but I think he was celebrating East Coast quilts. Oh, he's sea again. Why would they be talking about West Coast practices on an East Coast quilt? Well, a great debating point, isn't it, something which, no doubt, the listeners will. And perhaps, belongs to a time when America was more unified. You know, when New England quilters were more happy to take on a West Coast effervescent sobering stuff. All I want is to start conversations, Ben, it's up to you to finish them. - Yeah. - Thank you. The topic that Lou sent in, thank you, Lou, is stationery. - Ooh. - E-R-Y? - Yes. - A-R-Y, what does that mean? - A stationette with an A is being still. - Well, that's what Lou's putting. - Okay. - That's what we've got. Because you buy a pencil from a stationer's, not a stationer's. - Yeah. - Okay. So we're going to do a podcast about the state of being stationery. - Yes. - And Mike, that's one of, let's just slow down, pause, taking the moment. What just happened there? - Yeah. - Mike was like a little fucking greyhound. - I'm carrying the way to get out of the fact. Release the metal door. I know this fact about stationery. I've been, it's one of the facts I've been waiting for. Ah, let me out of the metal door. (laughing) - Isn't it? You're absolutely. - Yeah. - 'Cause it looks like a milksis or a garney nipple. I can do it. I can, I can find this nipple. I'm already holding it. (laughing) I'm gripping it. I've been holding it all my life. (laughing) - Mike, you know what Mike's life is like in a way. - Mm-hmm. - And Mike, you'll be interested in the answer. - Oh wait, I'm especially convinced of my seat. - They found it the key like thing. - Let's find out. - Well, on one level, 'cause Mike does have two levels. - Mm, thank you. (laughing) - He's like a slightly fucked onion. - Mm-hmm. - Mike, it's just outer, it's outer layer. One layer within that. - It's the husk that you get rid of on the outside and then the sort of really thick husk on the inside that you get rid of as well. - Yeah. (laughing) - The bit that's sometimes a bit green and weird. - Yeah. - Yeah. - The green and weird bit and the dry skin. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Aww. - Thanks guys. - On one level, Mike's life partly is. It's a bit like James Bond. You know when James Bond gets given by Q that lays a pen. In case he's doing a presentation. (laughing) - Well, he's got to do debrief, doesn't he? (laughing) - He can't go around shooting Venice up. (laughing) - Not to a report. Bond, it's also a PowerPoint clicker. (laughing) And if you press this button around the side, you can tab through different windows assuming you're using a Mac book. (laughing) - Okay, so Mike is like James Bond in my mind. - In sense that Q will always give him a bunch of gadgets, for example, a pen that's also a dagger, et cetera. And then the moment's coming the film where he needs exactly that thing. So Mike, you've got all these secret powers. You've got a hat that is also a dagger. And that's knowing about stationary versus stationary. - Yes. - Thank you. - And you're waiting for that moment in the drama that is your life. In the Bond film that is your life, you're waiting for that challenged. He's like, I've got the pen, I've got the laser pen. - It was the right skill at the right time. - I've got the right camera, you know. - Yeah. And it's a nice feeling, isn't it, when that happens? - It's a lovely feeling. We didn't get the set up and we didn't see that moment, that cue moment. - 'Cause obviously in the Bond films, that'll be set up so you know it's happening in advance, do you know what I mean? It's more satisfying that way. So the audience is, the listeners missed out on that moment when I finally got to grips with which way round it was. You know, that year, 2023, when I finally sat down and said, I'm gonna work out the difference between these things and I gotta find a way of working out or remember it reliably. - Yeah. - And maybe we could record that moment now as a kind of audio drama and drop it in. So set the scene mic. - Okay. - It's 2003, I'm in the prime of my life. - Okay. - You're listening probably to some awful pop punk. There's a mixture of. - The strokes. - There's pop punk. There's new metal. - Oh yeah. - And always, always, always. - There's whatever Shakira's just pumped up that season. (laughing) - Yeah. - Okay. - Crop tops, skinny jeans, flip flops on the feet. - You've got a tiny little sparkle in your lip balm. (laughing) - Very subtle. - Haven't you? - Yeah. - Strawberry flavor in 2003. - And you've got a St. George's Cross died into your moustache. (laughing) Haven't you? - Okay, 'cause it was only one year before the World Cup. (laughing) - Okay, now of course you remember Mike, that after a big year in 2002, releasing underneath your clothes, objection brackets, tango, today, Madrid, K-Meh-Quedes II. (laughing) She had acquired a year in 2003, only releasing the song The One. - How long has Shakira been going for? - She's been going for a decade. - She's like. - Yeah. - About 24. - No, she looks about 24. - No, I think she's about like, she's like, maybe my age, ain't. - Her first single, which was in Spanish, Tu Cera la Historia de Mavida. - 1993. - What? (laughing) - Shakira is the kind of reference I've thrown to a conversation to seem quite sort of up to date. She's pretty, she's pretty blur. (laughing) She invented Britpop. - She's pretty blur, and she's post blur. - That's the point. - And post. - So she's 49, and she released her first album in 1991. So how old would she have been then? - It's impossible. - She's born in '77. - There's no way. There's too many, there's too many '90s. - Hang on, she must have been like 13 or something. - Do you want to be working out backwards from now or four to when she was born? (laughing) It's two ways that time can go, as I know. Time doesn't have a direction, it goes either way. - So, she was 14 when she bought her. - That's okay, it's record. - So, how old is she now? - She's 49. - And how old was she in 1993? Is that what you're asking? - I just told you, then 1991 she was 14. - Okay, and how old will she be in 2034? (laughing) So what are you trying to work out? - Okay. I was trying to look at how old she was when she released her first album, but I managed to do it. - Which was 14? - Yeah. - Okay, so in 2040's, you will be the 50th anniversary of her first single release. - Oh, that's gonna be huge. - At which point? - She'll be how old? - I'm being harassed by a blue bottle. - That's always good to say. It's always lovely to see me. - I love watching Mike take on a Mike in a blue bottle. So, we've discussed some of the podcasts before, but in case you don't know. If a fly is in the room with Mike, Mike turns into a sort of 1940's cartoon character. (laughing) - One of the kind ones, yeah. - A sort of British man with his sleeves rolled up, napkin on his head, rosy red cheeks, really angry, running around, trying to hit it with an umbrella, trying to hit it with an umbrella. - Well, at the same time, trying to make a deck chair. - That's what Mike turns into. As soon as a fly enters the space. - It's amazing. - It's like a bypasses all of his conscious brain and goes straight to his spine brain. - Look how alert he is. - It's full spine, it's all operating as a spine. Can you milk Mike when he's thinking for a blue bottle? That's the real question. - Yes, you're right. It completely dominates all the other brain functions become secondary. If we were to ask Mike his name, and I didn't think he'd know. - No, he wouldn't. - Yeah. - 'Cause it's not important at the moment. That's gonna just get in the way. All narratives around family, nation, culture, none of it. It's all deleted in an instant. Come. The recovery time is long, and it's getting longer. - Yeah, yeah. - He basically just becomes a sort of primordial bat. - Mm-hmm. - Just seeking its prey. - Yeah, in the way that the shark is of all to be the perfect predator. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's similar kind of thing. It's just killer. - It's completely monocular vision. For weeks after this, Mike, if you asked him, Mike wouldn't know who out on the end top is. - Oh, was it? - No. - And he has to be retrained, doesn't he? - It was a cost a lot. It's very, very expensive in slow process. - He has to listen to that record that we put on the side of that thing that we sent to the space, the gold record. (laughing) - That was expensive to get back down again. (laughing) - To get back down again. - We set it back like 40 years every time. - He thinks it's difficult. Mike trying to find a blue bottle in his room. - NASA trying to find that fucking space. (laughing) There were thousands and thousands of NASA employees who had their sleeves rolled up and reddened the face. Trying to work out the bloody coordinates. - Yeah, so we're gonna go to the living room. - Silling shot it right back around satin again. (laughing) And it turns out you play that record and it's all just Chris DeBurg, isn't it? - Yeah. - And that source may not, source broad out. (laughing) And that's awesome. But the thing that's really difficult is, is to train you to not attack anything that's making a buzzing sound. - Hmm. so that's things like drones, fridge, people with loose dentures you'll go out and wait with the rolled up supplement. What do you what have you got rolled up there Mike? It's a copy of the week sort of weekly news digest. I've normally have an electrified tennis racket, but that's true. But that's that's in another room, foolishly. The one of the best presents I've ever received from a dear friend of mine and a mutual friend indeed. Yeah, it's the trouble with this summer you see. Summer time. It brings them with blue bottle time. Especially when you leave out as much meter as you do. The neighbors have asked me to stop. I have to make an offering. It either that or have your family swallowed whole by it, my 900 for iraapis, isn't it? That's what I believe. That's the choice. That's what I told us in Sunday's go. The electric tennis racket. Have we discussed that on the podcast? It's bloody amazing. It's really good stuff. Mike has a tennis racket, which is electrified, which means you think it's essentially sort of backhand or you can sort of swap one of these things mid-air and it will kill them. Does it actually work? It should have been with a big fat blue bottle. It won't it often just sort of stun them. Okay. But it if stuns are for long enough for me to to to wing cuff them and strengthen to a chair. Well, I mean the interrogation suite. Exactly. That's say from their point of view, one minute they're just buzzing around happily having a laugh at the moustache gate. That's not my view. That's a view of flies on view, which I think is fair enough, isn't it? Because you absolutely hate them. It goes both ways. It goes both ways. And it's actually part of a sort of fly culture, isn't it? You know, like the sort of right-to-passage thing where like you go out into the wilderness and hunt your first tiger or whatever. Or in my case, you have to find your way around the South Bank, set into by yourself from the National Film Theatre, through to the giraffe next to the Royal Festival Hall. That's the giraffe, the restaurant, but then say for flies, isn't it? Adolescent flies will be deployed into Mike's house. Yeah. I mean, it could technically be to to any irritable homeowner, but ideally, yeah. But you're the absolute crown. Yeah. Because no one gets more irritate about flies than you. No. It wakes up and it's, as you say, it's wings are tied behind its back. Yeah. And you do a thing, an old starsy trick, Danny, which is you recreate their childhood bedroom. But you'll be a turd. But you'll recreate it. It's a lot less work than the stars. The starsy really did have to put a lot of sort of, it has some quite skilled artisans on the books. For me, it's just a question of finding a turd, kind of like a turd. Yeah. So you'll find a turd, they'll wake up in a turd and they'll be like, "Oh, I feel safe." And then your head rises up through the turd. So for your own safety, you've cling-filmed your, your head up here. Yep. You've experienced that. And you say, "Give me the whereabouts of your thousands of siblings." And don't just say the scattered around the turds or around the country. You've been trying to sell me that for years, you're kind. I know that you presumably must live in some sort of underground hives where you make a form of dark honey. Let me taste it. I need to taste the dark honey. Let me taste the blue bottle, honey. And then we will be equal. Then we can be brothers. Because actually all I really want is your love. And then we can break bread together. Yes. And you can be sick on the bread and then eat it, and I'll just eat it and then be sick afterwards in the human way. That's the way it should go. What happens normally is they just, they give me enough information for me to go on to cover a bit. Okay. Yes, that's right. So that's when if you can't get in, sometimes we can't get in touch with you because you're doing one of your deep cover. You're doing your deep cover. And if you've ever been to a petrol station in Extern, seeing a man entirely clad in latex, that's fine. That's right. With a pair of swimming goggles on, loitering and the turds. Yeah, it's my gore than there. And also if you're walking down a high street and you've got like an old crisp packet or something. And so you're walking down a residential street and you see a wheelie bin outside someone's house or something. And you think, oh, can I use someone else's bin? Is that okay? Also, is it the right bin? Fuck it. There's no one watching. And you just open it up quite often. If you see, if when you do that and you throw it in, then you close the bin and you can't walk in, you think yourself, hang on, did I just see Mike? Mike wasn't yet getting there. Filming me. Filming me. Then actually you're probably right. You probably did see Mike in there. And so that blue bottle, Mike, I think you've done it get away, haven't you? It's made good. It's it's escape. It's lucky I'm recording. Okay. Is it still in the room with you? No, it's left the room. Okay. Blue bottle. The best time to swat a blue bottle. Or is I called the fly? Is it a blue bottle a type of fly? I think of as blue bottle as the big fat, the big fat ones, the worst of them. Okay, yeah. I do find them a bit offensive when they're chunky. I know what you mean. There's something about the arrogance of just. It's needless. Seeing how chunky and floating around my space. My lilies. How many turns have you eaten? Do you want to mean? But you're never going to get my turn. So you're never going to get the really good stuff. That's what I always say to them, because I drop and flush. Can't be crazy, but I flush my turns. The best time to swat a fly or blue bottle, of course, is when it is stationary. Hello, everybody. So I've got better over these. I think for a long time, I thought you cannot kill a fly. It basically can't be done. That was my assumption. In fact, I think Mike, you helped me sort of get past that. They were something I just sort of lived with and was in a way content to live alongside. Yeah. It can require some tenacity. All the right weapon. John and me. A big fat one. Yeah, a little bit of newspaper or whatever. It might not do it. Sometimes you need a half a brick and a sock. That's just the way it is. Yeah, some of these are quite big. Make sure you smash your house up now and again. That's okay. My great-grandmother's prize wardrobe that was rescued from the Titanic could be down. Also, it's a shame in a way that they actually used one of the life folks for the wardrobe. Well, I have learnt, yeah, that if you, and the thing is about, I can't remember where I heard this or where this, but it's about swatting the area in front of the fly because the fly is operating on a different time dimension from you, isn't it? It's so much quicker. It's world because it's hard as racing away. Does it even have a heart? It's on Paraguayan Standard Time, isn't it? It's on Paraguayan Standard Time. So, it's at least seven hours ahead. And much more relaxed. Much more relaxed. But that means you've got to bear in mind the time difference having you when you actually do the swat. Because that's why you're quite often you're swat and you'd be like, I was nowhere near getting it. Yeah. But that's because you haven't been to a Bulda Toronto and changed some British pounds into a scudos. You need to change some code scenes to the Paraguayan currency. You need to have at least to live it. You have to have some scudos on you. The main thing is you swat in front of the area where it is. So, you're essentially swatting in the fly's future. Because as your arm comes down with the supplement, it takes off because it's way ahead of you. But you've factored that in to your, in the same way that you factor in when you're calling someone if they're on holiday, so you're not calling them at six in the morning, whatever. I've become very good at this for clapping a moth of you. Yeah. So, you're chosen method. I thought you were going to say clapping at gigs. Or at a theatre. You're always clapping the time zone of the writer. I've become amazing and knowing exactly where to clap. And it's not where they are when you think they're there. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of, it's kind of matrix shit. It is matrix shit, isn't it? It is matrix shit. It's anticipatory. Yeah. You have to somehow work out where it's going, where it wants to go totally. Yeah. Well, it wants you to think it's motion is random. No, it isn't. That's got a plan. Of course. But also, I think there's something to do with your hands coming together to create some kind of positive pressure around it, which actually moves it. Okay. Yeah. Are you talking about the kind of moth that just turns out to dust? Yeah, yeah. It'll close. There's sort of creatures of death. I wouldn't do that to like a beautiful big moth. I've been living in a new build for the last few years. I can't remember who discuss this, but one of the great things about a new building is the only places in London, slash Britain, slash the world that don't have moths in them. Any property that is in any way until you introduce them. For someone's got to be moth, someone's got to be Moth's favorite, Keshmeer Bumbeg. But Henry, I'm in this world, I live in a new build. But when I moved in here, I remember I think I told you I froze everything I owned before it crossed the threshold, because it didn't do your moth. I saw a moth yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go absolutely scorched Earth today. You're going to burn down your house. Yeah. Honestly, that's what it takes sometimes. Yeah. Oh, I'm so bit bent. I'm in the same situation. So I have started seeing moths. No. I'm in a fucking new build. Yeah. Yeah. I do have a lot of jumpers, a lot of woolen jumpers. By the way, it's quite funny to think that this podcast you die in has been created with a sort of punk mentality, exposed brickwork, graffiti, no toilet seats, no toilet seats. And yet here we are, three middle-aged men talking about the problem with moths. take that, take that, you've been counter punks, they better not, honestly if they touch my jumpers I'm going to go insane. Well they're going to touch, when you see a moth, your jumpers are already dead. No, it's how it works, because they've been, they've been incubated in your jumper, the babies, the baby moths, the moth arenas, the larval moth arenas, the larval moth arenas. The larval moth arenas are also my favourite 1960s girl band. Shoop, shoop. A duet. A duet. A moth arenas, a moth arenas. A moth arenas. A moth arenas. A duet. A duet. A duet. A duet. And I ate an albaca. I'm back. But they, yeah they, I think it means, because when you're swatting them, you laugh, but they laugh deeper, because the moth that you kill, it's, it's reproduced, it's larvae have grown. You're just killing an empty vessel anyway, doesn't that moth is basically their equivalent of a victory fireworks. Yeah. I mean, long time. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. The deal is done. The deal is done. The deal is done. Essentially what you're doing is you're killing, you're, you're, you're assassinating a dictator who's like 97 on around the world crew, I was like, yeah, well done. As you're smothering his head in the breakfast buffet, in the prawn, in the prawn, in the breakfast, prawn roulade. You're smothering him in the prawn roulade. He looks up at you and goes, what kind of victory is this really? I have thousands of children. Many of them are sleeping in your clothes and look down at your cashmere trousers. Hang on, they're not there. Exactly. My great grandchildren just ate them while you were smothering me in the prawn roulade. It's quite good by the way, you should try it, although a little bit prawny for breakfast, I think. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, it's a complete disaster. A complete disaster. I've only seen one, but as you say, that's, that's the tip of it. Oh, when you see one. Yeah. As, yeah, that, it's the, um, the heraldic moth, it's the herald, it's exactly that moth is, it's the standard bearer for an army, basically. Isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, but I was hoping that maybe that one moth was just like the one that came in somehow and it just was on its own. That's the story we all tell ourselves. You know, and you shouldn't have, you shouldn't have just crushed it. You should have, what you should have done is behead it and send it back to your order on horseback. Yeah. That's the only way that, that's the only way you can talk to them, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry. They were, they will respond to certain types of chivalric threat. Right. That's the only way you can get them out, which is why what you really need to get rid of moths is not, it's not chemicals, it's not mothballs, it's not lavender, it's not like, um, cedar wood, it's not pouches of herbs and stuff. It's basically a British museum heraldic expert. Yeah. If you can kill the moth and then tie it back into the shape of the coat of arms with the house of Northumberland. Then you might have flush out the rest for a pitched battle to settle the matter once and for all. Yes. Yes. That's what you want, isn't it? Your other option is to try and infiltrate a moth banquet. Just as a gesture. Yes. A moth banquet or, or a moth legacy ensuring wedding. Maybe you, maybe one of them was getting married to a lady bird. Yeah. You can't allow that union to happen. But the trouble with being a moth gesture is, it's actually, it's not the outfit, weirdly. That's fine. Special effects can cover the facial mandibles, all that stuff. That can be mocked up. It's the kind of sensibility. It's the moth sensibility and the moth small talk when you're up on stage in front of them. Yeah. The banter. The banter is a bit ribbons and they like a lot of sort of close up magic, don't they? Yeah, they really love Christmas magic, but they don't like being set fire to you. That's pretty hard. I've got a good close moth fact for you. Yes, please. Henry mentioned mandibles there. Yes. Clothes moth don't have a mouth, but do they have dicks? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just a flying dick. Okay. Okay. Okay. But again, don't open with that with your moth material, people will think I'll go for the flying dicks line. They're going to love that. They absolutely hate it. They've heard it before. They've heard it a million times. Yeah. How are they eating a cardigan then? It's the larval moth arenas that they use in the cardigan. Are they? Yeah, yeah. They talked about the fact that they were there, but how are they eating it? What are they doing? There's no mouth. They're just depositing acids or something. No, the larvae have a mouth. The larvae have a mouth. Yeah. They shed their milk mouth. They shed their mouth. They shed the whole mouth. Yeah. They put it under their pillow and get 50 feet off the mouth, mouth fairy. So, larval dentistry is just gaffer taping your mouth back on. They say as a larvae they eat, then they go into a cocoon like a butterfly does. Yeah. They come out as a moth, but they're literally just body, cloaca wings. [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] Welcome to the cloaca zone. [Music] [Music] Because all they need to do is mate. They've got all the energy they need from their eating. They don't need any more food. No. Okay. So, they're just there to mate. It's funny the way that animals or insects are, that life is separated into sections. So, it's like there's the eating section of your life. Yeah. We eat them. There's nothing to eat. You can still keep going later when you're just a dick with your hands. Then, presumably, there's a going to the toilet section of your whole life. So, be like being a human being, all your meals were like from the age of like, you know, 10 to 20. You're like, 40, all you're doing is eating all your meals. [Music] A lifetime of lasagna. A lifetime of lasagna. Mm-hmm. Then, you're on the toilet for a decade and then, you're just on the pool, essentially. Yeah. Until someone squashes you. Until someone's, and we've got actually quite a way to live, isn't it? Quite intense and real. Simpler. Simpler. Rather than what we do, which is, oh, I've got to get up, I'm going to have some food. I might have a dump at some point. Oh, I already had enough food. Maybe I should have less food today or tomorrow. Do I need to have more food now because any energy for later? I need any. I don't have too much because then, oh, I don't want to do a dump in the middle of my presentation. I just, maybe I should try and do a dump now, even though I don't need a dump. No such problem with the morphine. No such problem. I did my dump last year. And, oh, what am I going to do next year? Am I going to go on holiday next year? Or what are my plans? I don't want to quit. BOW! I'm dead! I've been spotted. So, you never actually have to, you don't have time to worry about it. Right, calendar. But also imagine if you'd spent the first 40 of you alive, constantly eating lasagna. Then you wake up and you haven't got a mouth. And how much you just fancy another lasagna but you literally couldn't ingest it. I've really wanted a lasagna. But also imagine how much you'd need a dump after eating a lasagna for 40 years. That would be, it's going to feel absolutely tremendous. It's going to feel tremendous. So, I've just looked it up. They don't have a mouth and they don't have any sort of digestive system whatsoever. So, do they never process their food? Well, they do as a larvae. So, the larvae eats your jumper and uses the kind of energy or whatever within that to turn into a mark. To taunt you. Yes. And then to taunt you. Yeah. What a life. What a life. So, I don't think they're alive very long in the moth period. They're a lot. They're a lot of deep details. It's a caterpillar. Well, not, no, not where I'm at. No. But you're not dealing with the problem when he's, and I have this every year, I wonder, when is the time that they, when is the time that they're eating, they're making the holes in the jumper? Summer. So, it's now. Yeah. So, they like the summer, do they? Yeah, the warmer they are, the quicker they go through the life cycle. And that's what, and also because now is when you're not thinking about your jumpers. Yeah, that's right. Because it's warm, so you've forgotten about them that they're all piled up in the back of a cupboard somewhere. By the way, because I did have this panic, because I saw a moth the other day, I have bought online two kind of containment units. Okay. One for me and one for the moth. Okay. And I think the idea is if I can transfer my brain into the moth and the moth brain into me, you need to never eat again. Where are these containment units? Are they on a ship on the straight of our mousse? Someone's trying to make the best of a bad thing. Probably rent some of these out. Someone who's worried about moths. I bought one industrial shipping container for each of my jumpers. It's the only way to do it. And to make sure they're always on the high seas. And then if I need to wear a jumper, all I have to do is book it in nine months ahead of time, go down to Southampton, hire a crane, get it off the unit. I've put down some pheromone traps. Ben, honestly, just use traditional dating website. The apps are really good at the moment, people say. So you think you should say, you're saying I should stop dozing myself in moth female pheromone? Exactly. Yeah, so the traps are sticky and they smell like a female moth who's up for it. And then the male moths are attracted to it. I mean, I've used those in the past as well. And you end up with these kind of like. You've actually made some quite good friends stuck to this. Because you're all in the same boat. Yeah, I've had those. You end up with these kind of deathboards. It's a different sort of scale of life, isn't it a different sort of perspective on the same? Because for me, it's just a jumper that I want to wear. I like a jumper. But for them, it's like literally where they're breeding their species, their race, their future. It's being bred as the homeland. It's the homeland. And then there's something quite different. That kind of banal about these like bits of sticker with moth stocked them, but that's like for them, that's like that's their kind of minus myth every year. 20 of our of our finest becomes stuck to the grapeboard. Because in a moment of horny madness, they believe it to be a huge female moth, a moth and sexier. And a moth the size of a plane. And but this year, please for once, this year we must resist the temptation to get stuck on the, where are you going? I'm just going to go as a huge square female moth over there. Oh no, it's so convincing. But it's one of those things, it's just, so we can make a list of these things that the human race hasn't, hasn't conquered so which feel conquerable, but the human race hasn't conquered. So what is the common cold? We've discussed this series. Moths. Yeah. Like, there isn't, I've spent a long time online looking for them, they're just simply isn't an agreed system that works, feeling despondent in the afternoons, feeling despondent in the afternoons. How Christmas feeling a bit say me when you get older? And this is the ticket on which, if we, well, when we make our, if slash when we make our side stepping to politics, this is what will be, does anyone have a single thing to say about the concept of being stationary? I tell you what stationary, a male moth stuck to a big, sticky, female, furrow moan covered board doesn't get much more stationary. Time to read your emails. Please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster, anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot chewing a horse. You can email us at threebean salad pod at gmail.com. Please do. Mr. S e-mails. Hello, Mr S. Hey beans, you guys are talking about the common cold last episode and it's cure. That is impossible. Curing the common cold is about as hard as cracking the enigma machine 90 times over, simultaneously, and then telling everyone at once the common cold is a large family of rhino viruses, which are constantly mutating, so cannot be cured permanently. So any attempt at a vaccine would fail. Brackets as the cold would suddenly mutate, so as to no longer be detected. Get some ambition, Mr S. Come on. Get some ambition. You can meet nine tickling macodes. I give you 90 great Britons. That's all we've made. We give you 19 Benedict Cumberbatches. Just three Cumberbatches I reckon, would you do it? Crack that code easy. I feel the same way about the email, I feel like there were loads of things that we thought were impossible, that we've since made possible. Flight. Swimming. A whimsical yet cheeky podcast hosted by three male hosts. That would have been inconceivable to a 16th century peasant, reasonably priced, parry parry chicken in every town in Britain, every town again, inconceivable, but Roger Federer himself would have struggled to get his head around as a child. I was reaching for the guy for peak human. Actually, I was reaching for Alan Turing, for some reason I liked it on Roger Federer. Still worked. Still worked. Roger Federer, at least he has, yeah, soaring ambition, is not an issue with Federer. Is it? So yeah, Mr S. I think that's very, very. Very defeated. It's true, things of, lots of things we thought were impossible. I mean, Andy Burnham, we wouldn't have thought he was possible. Would you have thought he was impossible if you'd explained that to medieval peasant? But remember, as a podcast, we are Burnham Neutral. He's benefited a lot from the fact there's Wimbledon and the World Cup and all that kind of stuff. Do you want to mean? And Shikir has probably got a new album coming out, so people are distracted. And one of her songs is called "Burnhamania". Exactly. And that's just a coincidence. Burnham Ania. Bam, bam, bam. Burnham Ania. Do, do, do. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Burnham, burnham, no. Yeah, there's some writing sort of dropped off a bit, aren't they? Some are saying that she's just punching them out now, but she does it all. She's thinking about a pension. That's all fairly cynical. Burnham Ania. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Burnham Ania. Bam, bam, bam. Do, do, do, do. Burnham Ania. Bam, bam, bam. Do, do, do, do. Ryan E-Mails. Here are the telebeams. I've been doing a three-been-re-listen recently and got to the episode "The Essence of Fear". Oh, yeah. In this episode, Ben mentions "Big Pit", which is a little mining museum. And goes on to praise the camaraderie of the miners and the open showers. Quotes, isn't that nice that they all used to have a nice shower with each other? They've all felt at ease in each other's company, is what I said. Yeah. Well, this made me laugh a lot. Why? Only last week I was at my dad's house who was a 78-year-old retired South Yorkshire miner. He was reminiscing about the great laughs they had down the pit. And one of the things that he let slip was that as a prank, they would piss up each other's backs in the showers. I've list of. My dad, being six foot six, had a real height advantage as both pisser and pissy. Is that an advantage of the pisser? Well, I guess they're only going to be able to piss on your buttocks, potentially, if you've got a short miner. Is that better, though, than getting pissed on your back? I guess if you're playing a game of piss on your back, then you want to hit someone's back, don't you? If you get them right between the shoulder blades, that's maximum points. If you're just getting them in the Nathan cleft. Did he mention how dangling his father's testicles were? That goes unmentioned. Miners, they tried to keep them high in tight. Yeah, you'd imagine so. Yeah. Because if they get mixed up in those train track things, they go up and down on World of Ties. World of Ties, the landers that get mixed up in those little. If you think that's seen in Indiana Jones, the temple of Dune featuring those miners train tracks. Oh, this is a gunfight going on between the little buckets. You're in a lot of trouble. Willie, that thing I have about proportions and bathrooms and stuff is making me think of something which just happened to me in the toilets here in the studio. You know the one with that with the toilet. Someone piss up your back. Is that a much camaraderie there is? It was Herman. It was Herman, the podcast assistant. The toilet was so small that it's impossible to get out of it without rubbing the backs of my calves against the toilet bowl. Oh, I hate that. Yeah, that's new to me. I've never experienced it recently. Yeah, awful. So it's quite weird because I'm wearing shorts as well. Every time I've exited the toilet cubicle, I've then got some lurons, I've wiped the back of my calves. Oh, gods. Which I'm assuming is all caught on CCTV and sold all around the world. Sold in the dark. Sold in the dark. Sold in the dark. You won't see a penny of that. That's the real dreaded. I won't see a penny of that stuff. Ryan writes, "It really got me thinking about how times have changed. A young man in Britain today is more likely to be a podcaster than a miner. It's no way to live your life, though, working in claustrophobic and poor places." Come on. Okay, let's do this. "Surrounded predominantly by men who have fewer of the vocational skills and faintly stinking of piss. Re-open the minds, I say." Is that the right way around? Oh, hang on. Hang on. It's a switcher. Oh, switcher. Oh, switcher. Oh, switcher. Oh, no. But I'm not even sure if he has got it wrong. Maybe there's no switch, though. Like the switcher who is implied. He's telling us about things that we just have to get with the mind and then the end he needs to tell us. But then he says a rear of the minds. And they ought to reopen the minds as well. I think he needed to say. That's what he needed to say. What did he say? He just said they should reopen the minds. What was the last sentence? Welcome to switcher analysis. Let's get the whole thing again. Okay. It's no way to live your life, though. Working in claustrophobic and poorly lit spaces. Surrounded by predominantly by men who have fewer of the vocational skills and faintly stinking of piss. Re-open the minds, I say. See, the switcheroo would have been and mining would have been tricky, too. No, no, no. I think actually I see it now. He's saying what he was describing wasn't the minds. It was us. Therefore, re-open the minds. Oh, so actually, he's actually suggesting podcasting rather than mining during the switcheroo. So the switch is a very unconventional. He's subversing a genre that I think heavily strongly resists being subversed. Yeah, I think Brian, I think you have to send us a badge. - Yes, I think so. - Yes. Send us a badge in the post. Thanks, Brian. We now come to Undyverna, a member for Make-A-Fist. Yeah! [Music] Thank you to everyone who signed up with our Patreon. Yes, thank you very much. Patreon.com/3Beanscilead If you sign up at the strong bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the strong bean loan. You certainly do. Where Mike was last night. It was. And it was the old Spitfire tear down, wasn't it? It was. Thank you Ben, and here's my report. It was the old Spitfire tear down last night because the Sean Bean Spitfire had been used in the commission of a crime against decency by Matthew Crowley and Steve. And we needed to hush the whole thing up. Sean Bean's personal demolitions are Natalie Walker, decided yanking it from all possible sides at the same time would be the most effective method, given how much rust it had accumulated after being used for several years as an airborne cocktail shaker by Mrs. Hodgson and Samantha McGregor. Ben Ellison and David Rippen gripped the ejector exhausts on each side, boobin adjuice and HFT took hold of the glycol pipe, and Swony, Sam Merrowether, and Alison Mills grabbed the undercarriage pump handle, Lydia Nevet and Richie Mogendel took the rudder flap and tail wheel respectively, and Clara the Conchress and Ruth Fashow, the aerial master and sliding cowl, Amanda Mooney pressed the ejector seat button to be on the safe side, and was surprised to see James Weaver and Jonas expelled from the cockpit at 80 miles per hour into the Sean Bean warehouse ceiling. Doc Maggie, Benjamin Holmes, and Lloyd Farrell of the Free Hansiatic City of Bremerhaven gripped whatever loose bits of skin plating they could, and the whole team took the strain. At this point, Georgia priestly gave the order to stand by, so that she could take a picture to document the event. The team complied, but was surprised to see this was to be done as an oil painting. Hours seemed to pass and a few of the crew had nodded off, when all of a sudden Will Donovan gave the order to one, two, three, heave ho, and heave they did. But with no discernible effect, so focused on the task that they had been, that they had all failed to notice the Spitfire had in fact taken off, and had been piloted to a height of 6,000 feet by Erin. Evidently it had been decided Plane would be ineffective, which proved to be the case, so an alternative and guaranteed means of destruction had been agreed upon. The plane began a nose dive and, to avoid damaging the precious bean lounge itself, was aimed at the Sean Bean quarry, which was being excavated at the time by Storyboard George, James Walker, Dave Mantis, Richard Saddington, and Robin, all of whom had been helpfully instructed by Gareth Mayo to wear high visibility tabards to make the quarry easier to aim for. With an ejection seat no longer available, Erin affected her escape from the cockpit, using a sky hook attached to the Sean Bean hot air balloon. Where once hoisted to the basket, she was able to enjoy the view in the company of Julia Reed, Sonic Speed, Bunged Down Under, Casey Downs and Nina, who between them had put together a lovely airborne reclet tasting session with wine-flight. The crash was spectacular, and the Spitfire's destruction total. And though it missed the quarry, it did hit Becky's collection of two Steven Segal CDs, which she'd been thinking of getting rid of anyway, so no harm, no foul. Thanks all. Let's finish off with a version of our seamtune sent in by Lars from Hong Kong. I think you Lars. Oh, thanks Lars. Er, he writes high beans, both my brother and brother-in-law have had their seamtunes played on the pod. I'm feeling left out. So that's two different people, obviously, isn't it? Could your brother be your own brother-in-law as well? If they're married to your sister, I think, yes. Yes. No, no, you could, could you, yeah, could be your brother by car down your marriage? Your brother-in-law could be perhaps your metaphorical brother. Perhaps a few are both, you know. But it's fire brigade. That's true. And it could also be a metaphorical brother-in-law as well. Yes, yes. It's less used. Yes. It's less used. But you got to understand that he's like my brother-in-law. Unfortunately. He's like my brother and he's like a brother-in-law to me. Fairly indifferent to him to him, to occasionally have to go on holiday with him. And we get on for about, we get about 15, 20 minutes of chat between us. Beyond that, he gets quite awkward. He's like that to me, OK? It might not top Tom from Aspie De La Zeus's Vindaloo inspired song, but hopefully will shit on Nick's. So I assume Tom and Nick are his brother and brother-in-law. OK. So I don't remember what Nick's was. I do remember the Aspie De La Zeus Vindaloo, but he's not, he's not giving any reminders with Nick's. Anyway, here's my theme in the style of Mike Wozniak's "Rolled Ars". Oh, lovely. I'm sure you'll be surprised to hear it. It took me one eight second take. OK. Best Lars and Hong Kong. Thank you. All right. Well, thank you for everyone for listening and we'll see you next time. Yeah, thank you. Drop. Thank you. Bye. We really are scraping the bar, aren't we? Thank you, Lars. Thanks, Lars. Thanks, Lars. I'm surprised that took eight seconds, if I'm OK. I think what were you doing for that second four seconds?