Staff Review With Brian Kiley

Hey Conan O'Brien here, normally, on Thursdays, we drop a fan episode, but I want to do something a little different today. On Monday, I talked to Dennis Leary, and he was chatting about a comic we both love, a Boston comic, Brian Kylie. Brian is working with me in my office right now on the Oscars, and I thought, "Hey, Brian's in the building. Let's get him in here." He knows all the dirt on me. Any time I do anything where I need great jokes, and everyone else is busy, I get Brian Kylie. [laughter] No, no. Yes, yes. I need the word. I mean, I really cast a wide net, and no one wanted to work with me. No, Brian, we have, I mean, our story is kind of crazy. We've known each other since we were kids, because you would chat with my brother, Luke, at our Catholic instruction class that met at the cynical, what town was that in? In Brighton. In Brighton. On the top of a high hill, these nuns taught Catholic instruction on Monday afternoons. I think you and my brother, Luke, started chatting with each other about the Bruins and the Red Sox, and I was in the corner doing bits for a snowman. It's insane. We went to CCD, which is, you know, Catholic Sunday School, the same place. I would sit next to Luke, and we would talk about the football games the day before, which we would still be doing now, we were like, not eight years old or not years old. You and my brother's dance class, and then Dan, Dan-- Say that a little more, because it said, "You and my brothers." It sounded like you and my brother's dance class. No, you were in the same class. I was not in your brother's dance class. Oh, I thought that's what he meant. No, no, no, I'm sorry. My brother, Dan, and Conan, sorry, were in the same class. And then they both-- Who's great at it? You were in my brother at Lamaz's class. What? I was not in a Lamaz's class. No, his name's Lamaz. No, so Dan and Conan were in the same class, and then they went to Harvard together. And then my brother, Dan, would show me the Lamp Harvard Lampoons, and you'd be like, "member Conan O'Brien?" And you would show me these things, which were great. First of all, the class of '83 didn't do nearly as well as the class of '85. We didn't go to Harvard or Luke and I. Oh. Yeah. You dummies. I know. But we'd read these Lampoons, and then I kind of followed your career, because I knew you were on the Simpsons in SNL. But I would have walked by you on the street and not known you. Do you know what I mean? He was head and seen you since-- Well, you would have been like, wow, who's that guy? He's got Riz. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's not like me. In the '80s and the '90s and stuff, he'd be like Riz. He was using Riz back then. Oh, wow. Okay. With me, it's close to flake. That guy has got Riz, and I don't know what that is. I still don't know what it is. [LAUGHTER] So I-- I think you came to work on late night. I'll never forget you came in one day and you were wearing an Irish cap. Sure, sure. And you were-- because you were a very funny standup, everyone knew who you were. And you were chatting with a bunch of the writers in the hallway because you were visiting. And this is early, early days of-- very early days of the late night show, like '93. And I see you in the hallway, and I'm like, hey, we know each other. And we chatted a little bit. I pushed a button that said, please get him out of here. You were immediately taken away by NBC Pages and a robot. Right, right. I kept asking, what's Riz? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] And then shortly after that, there was an opening for you. And you came and started writing jokes for me. And you've-- I mean, my White House correspondent, Stinner, both of them, with Clinton and with Obama. I mean, everything I ever did, the two Emmy shows, and all the late night shows I've ever done. And then last year's Oscars, you wrote amazing jokes. And now you're working again on this year's Oscars, March 15th, tune in. And so I thought, wait a minute, this is a chance to get Brian to come in. And we could settle old scores. Yes, yes, we got your notes. Let's do it. My first day of work was March 15th in 1994. Oh, you're kidding. No, no, the eyes of March. So now that's when the Oscars are-- Oscar's in the Oscars, oh, yeah. It is-- no, you have-- as you know, I've told you this a million times. You're one of my favorite comedians. You have such insanely great jokes. And you're so disciplined about having great jokes. My favorite thing to do is an impression of you doing the filthiest material ever at the Apollo Theater. Because you and I are the whitest comedians in the world. And you are the cleanest comic. You never go blue. And you always are wearing-- in my impression, you're wearing a blue blazer, which is very you. And hello, Maria. And then you go into the filthy-- I mean, stuff that would make red fox blood. And you do it at the Apollo in kill. And it's just really like, you've got to wash that ass. [LAUGHTER] Ladies, you've got to wash that ass. So I'm going-- And your enunciation is always so perfect. And you're so friendly and pleasant. And so I would do this routine called Kiley at the Apollo. And it was one of my favorite things to do. Because I get to be really crazily bruised. But it's not me. It's you. Right, right, right. Well, you've done it for my friends, like Gary Goldman. It's more of other people. But they always report back to me, like they're dying. They're just curious. Yeah, yeah. You was a really filthy comic. And in the minute you're set, so you go back to your dressing room and you open up a giant book on Truman and sit on a metal stool, a little metal chair, and read it in your perfectly creased chinos and blue blazer. And then eventually the guy comes back and says, get your ass back out there. And you go out. And then you completely-- you're even filthier the second time. Filthier. Then I go into my B stuff. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, but I'm just-- I've got my oldest Kiley riff. Because I like to have riffs on each writer. Was that you work out a lot. You're very disciplined. You have this very powerful-- I know it's coming, right? I know what he's going to say, too. He's got a powerful, very strong chest, arms, shoulders. I mean, this guy is just-- you work out, but I noticed a while ago that I don't think you work your legs out as much. And so I started to riff on this. And then eventually your legs became vermicelli. And there were whole riffs about people in a rest-- you can't go to Italian restaurants because people try to twirl your legs under their door. And I mean, I would-- these bits would-- Sure. They would go on forever. Yes, he's called them vermicelli, fusilli, fiber optic cables, ribbon candy. I was late one day last year because I had a doctor's appointment. And Conan told everybody I was late because I fell asleep. And a little girl braided my legs together. [LAUGHTER] And I mean, this is the stuff I'll be doing on my deathbed. And what I remember, I forget all kinds of things and my brain gets goofy. But this stuff I will never forget. And I don't care how bad my brain goes. I don't care what happens to me. I could be in a deep coma. And if someone came into me and said, Conan, Conan, you know, it's like, no, it's no good. He won't respond to anything. Kylie's here, vermicelli legs, a child braided them together. AT&T wants to talk to him about micro fibers. And the same thing with Berkeley Johnson, one of the hilarious writer, I haven't seen him since he worked on the Oscars last year. He came into the writer's room and sat down and within a minute I went, I mean, Berkeley Johnson told me, I think, 20 years ago, that his dad owned a flag store. And I just like, yeah, I want you to tell that to your dad at the flag store. I said that instantly, those things I'll never forget. If I can find a little thing on a writer, that's going in the vault. Right. You'll think it your children's names. But not now. Not a riff. Not a riff. No, a riff will always be remembered. Yes. It's funny because you were always there in the room with me just before I went out and did a monologue in any situation. I mean, all those late night shows, hundreds and hundreds, thousands of late night shows. You were always in the writer's room with me. And my dressing room, and it's just about time to go out. And we're going over the jokes. And the thing we noticed, and whether it was the White House correspondence dinner, I'm just about to go out there and perform for a Clinton or Obama. Any of those situations are the Emmys or all the other different award shows. You and I would be together in a room. And I would start saying the worst things I could think of. Like, if I-- Sure. Your favorite things seem to be me making up jokes that I could never do in a million years. And pitching those. And then acting out the crowd turning on me. Right. We would be doing that instead of me reading the real jokes. Oh, my God. And there are things that you can't tell me, buddy. Yeah. And they don't-- Because they don't make sense. When you're in the room, there's a room reality where it's working in this room. But then the minute you leave that situation, if you go home and try and tell your wife, they're like, what are you talking about? And they're like people saying - No, it's kind of really funny. Oh, he's hilarious. He gave me an example, and I'll have a Rolex of like a hundred things and I go, nope, I can't tell any of those. - Yeah, 'cause they don't make sense. - No, they don't make sense, but yeah. (upbeat music) - One of your heroes, Bob Newhart, you were so excited when we thought of a bit for Bob Newhart. - Oh, yeah, Bob Newhart was one of my heroes. And very much like Bob Newhart, your clean comic, amazing jokes, and you do not have a hurried rhythm. And so you have your own thing, but you could see why, oh, this makes perfect sense. Bob Newhart would be fine. - This is kind of a priceless thing. So Kevin Dorf came out with this great bit 'cause we didn't want the Emmy show to run long. So the show's supposed to go three hours. So we have a tube with exactly three hours worth of air. - Like a little glass box, yeah. - A glass box. And if the show runs long, Bob Newhart's in the tube there. And if the show runs long, then he dies. - He dies. - That's fantastic. - And the great thing is he could do this without speaking. So who's better than Bob Newhart? - With his face and his big sad eyes. And so he's out there and we wheel him out and he's sitting on this stool. And I'm bringing this up for reason, 'cause he's your idol. He haven't met him before. And we're at rehearsal and we wheel him out. The ideas we're gonna wheel Bob Newhart out in this box and then announce that he has three hours of air and then if the show's still going, he'll die. And he's sitting in the box. And it was great because we decided it's great if Bob doesn't know that, right? So he comes out and he's kind of sitting on the stool and he's kind of happy to be there. And then I announce that he has only has three hours worth of air and he'll die. And you just see, 'cause no one could do it better than Bob, that it registered with him what I'm saying. And he doesn't say a word. And he's also in a airtight box, he can't see him. And he's just, it's registering, wait, what? And so Bob couldn't be there for rehearsal. So we had you sit on the stool and be Bob Newhart and we shot you. And then when Bob Newhart showed up, we showed him you do it. - That was the coolest thing to have Bob Newhart. So to have me being Bob Newhart for Bob Newhart was the coolest thing. - Yeah, it was so great. - You're standing. - Yeah. - And there was so many, there was so many, like everyone on the show knew each other so well and there was so many amazing moments. I remember when everyone knew it as a big Red Sox fan. So in 2011, the Red Sox were in first place except September 1st and then they couldn't win a game for the last month. So at the very end of September, my dad dies and we fly to Florida and we go to the funeral, we come back and people have come up to me and give offing their condolences. And about 80% are talking about my dad, but then I realize 20% are talking about the Red Sox. So they said, "Oh man, I'm really sorry." I'm like, "Well, thanks." And they're like, "Well, there's always next year." And it's like, "No, there." (laughing) - Isn't that true? - What do you mean next year? - Oh, it's their pitching. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - No, no, it's gonna, they'll be back. - Back. - Two totally different conversations. - Good, yeah, just so many, I mean, I can't, I associate you with just almost every moment of my career, you're always there and you're there again. And I don't know what I would do if you told me, "Yeah, I can't help you this year." I mean, I know I'd be probably even better off when I'm kidding. No, I just wouldn't know what to do. - Well, you know, we've had this long bond and it's also just so many laughs. It's just so nice to actually have laughs every day at work which is unusual. Another one translates, and you can't tell anybody. - Yeah. - But, let's still have the laughs. - There's so much, I always thought the meeting just before I go out and do a show, the card meeting, that could be so funny, and not because of the jokes. - Right, oh my, and then the meeting after the show was always just fantastic. - Well, the other thing is, 'cause then I could talk about like, if a guest was really didn't deliver, we would talk about that, and that was so much fun. - That was so, but also-- - I rooted against guests, I wanted the show to tank so I could have a good post-mortem meeting. - But also, I remember, you know, Laurie, and I would meet you if you right after one for the second round. - Laurie Kilmartin. - Laurie Kilmartin, who's-- - Another amazing stand-up. - Absolutely, and then you were normal, and we would talk about normal. - Or kids who were talking about movie, we were talking about whatever, do you know what I mean? - When was this? - This would be like the one o'clock meeting. - Oh, yeah. One o'clock in the afternoon, yeah. - Yeah, and then the meeting waiting for the show was total insanity, and so the other writers only saw the insane parts, and it was like, no, actually, and be like, no, no, he can't be normal. Like, we kind of can't-- - No, no, no one believes us. - I was shocked that I was normal at some point of the day. - I know, you were like, when was that? - Yeah, prove it. - I know. - Let's see, receipts. - Beer one PM normal hour? - Yeah, it's just not true, just doesn't happen. And so, I'm curious, I mean, this really isn't a staff review. This is just, I love Brian Kylie, and I wanna talk to him. - Yeah. - I mean, you better, you better be ship shaped. - Better, do more leg days. - Yeah. (laughing) - That would crush me. - I know. - If you developed your legs, that's the best. - Yeah! - That was powerful. - Also, I don't even love about me giving you shit about your legs. Look at mine. - Yeah. - I mean, yours, it's so, I will get on other people about things that I'm far guiltier of, which is the most crazy thing. - Well, also, like, there are so many riffs on different things, and I remember when that, that Tommy Lee sex tape came out. - Yeah. - And so, we wrote all these big penis jokes about Tommy Lee or whatever. So Tommy Lee's on the show, and Conan's walking down the hall, and Tommy Lee says, "Hey, Conan, I heard you've been doing jokes about me." And Conan said, "Yeah, about how big your penis is. Feel free to do the same about me." (laughing) And he was like, "Oh, yeah, right, right." And then he got it, and that's actually not a bad thing for people to be joking about. Yeah, remember that. He was like, "Oh, yeah." He was kind of menacing, and then he totally turned around. "Do more of those." He has a good thing. - Yeah. One of your obsessions was you just always wanted to write jokes about how heavy Chris Christie was, Governor Christie. And he just, and so, and you were obsessed. So every packet, I get the joke packet. - Obsessed? - No, no, he was a-- - Chris Christie loves, because it was all jokes. It was all jokes like there was a 3.2 magnitude earthquake in New Jersey today, when that story would be in the news in the morning. Like a slight tremor near Trenton. I knew on the way, and oh God, this is all Kylie's gonna write today. And then every joke was that set up. And then yeah, apparently Chris Christie joined a jazzer-sized class. (laughing) - The body still is? - Apparently, and you would do this. And then God forbid. God forbid anywhere in the United States, these stories would come out, these human interest stories, and it would be like a semi-truck filled with candied hams overturned on Interstate seven and 900 hams covered the highway in Iowa, period. When he heard Chris Christie said, "I'll see you in Denver." You know, like he has to immediately get on the scene. - Yeah. And-- - I don't know why he just didn't go to the supermarket and buy hams, as opposed to point-- - Any time, I'm sure. - It turned, it just seemed so fiscally irresponsible. - Anytime a truck turned over or a blimp crashed and fried chicken spilled on the highway, when he heard Chris Christie said, (laughing) "Is there a bullet, is there a jet that goes directly to that location?" You, it was just, and to this day, when those stories break, and I eventually accused you of shooting out the tires of semi-trucks, I came up with this idea that Kylie finds out what trucks are carrying. - Roaps. - Giant hams and roast beefs. And there's a giant truck carrying candy apples, and it's headed through Nebraska, cut to Kylie on a high hill. He's got the itinerary of the truck. He's got a scope with like this-- - Just for the setup. - And he fires, blows out the tires. It spills, you know, roast beef spill all over the highway and Kylie starts submitting jokes, even before USA Today has it. - Well, I remember when they came out with the mem, I was like, "No more fat jokes." And I was like, "What?" - Yo, he was devastated. - I said, "People are coming up "and they're offering condolences." And I thought they were talking about my dad. (laughing) - Did you do all the Taco Bell jokes, too? - Is that you? - We did do a lot of talking-- - You could be paid by Taco Bell in the cable. - Well, that's, we did a lot of Taco Bell. Tyree jokes, and then we had to stop because they started becoming our sponsor, which is a great way to blackmail people into becoming a sponsor. But you know, you drove more companies into becoming our sponsor. (laughing) - And you know what would help? I mean, for the podcast, we're doing great. - Yeah. - But to have Kylie come in occasionally, let's pick a top brand that hasn't bought into the show. - Yeah. - You go after them with your special humor. And then the next thing, you know, they'll call up and go in. We gotta, we gotta stop this. (laughing) - Wow, I can't believe they went Wendy's body in, yeah. - We had to send in a monologue for, when would they have to have, like a writer's guild award or something? So we had to type it up and we went through a bunch of them. So we came with one, it was like six jokes, like five like really smart political jokes, but like this is perfect or whatever. And then of course the last one is a Taco Bell Diary (laughing) or how it gets mad in there. - You know, you're gonna have a smart monologue? - Yes, every time. - And they talk about crept in there. - Yeah, anytime there was a moment where we thought, maybe we'll get a Peabody Award this year. Whatever we submitted had one Kylie Diary a joke in there. And you just could see the Peabody Committee. Oh, this is really good, dude. Checked all of our socially responsible boxes and. - Diary a. - Yeah, you're gonna keep it real, guys. - Yeah, I know, I know. - Yeah, I owe you a lot. - Oh, please, you've cost me terribly, but I still owe you a lot. - No, this was really fun. - I know, what was your favorite event thing to work on with him? Like, what do you like the, what's more, actually? - I mean, the White House correspondent's dinner is pretty cool, 'cause he'd do a joke and then they'd cut to Bob to hold laughing. And we had, or whatever, you know what I mean, so you see the people like that. - The next day I did the Clinton and it went, the one for Clinton and it went really well. And this is what I'm still pretty new to people. I've only been on the air for like two years and people are like, once, you know, this guy's gonna bomb and you guys wrote just some amazing stuff when I get up and I do it. And then the next day, I took my parents, my parents had come to see it. I took my parents to dinner in Washington, DC, for brunch. And I'm just really happy that I made it, that worked out well. And I'm sitting with my parents at a table and Bob Dool walks by and he points at me and he says, good term limits joke. (laughing) To have one of the most powerful guys in the Senate say, good term limits joke, which is probably your joke. - Well, and I also remember when you had a joke about, you know, I walked with the streets of Washington and it's like, this is where Jefferson was and Madison and Hamilton and Bono, and you cut to Sonny Bono, who is a kind of, and he's just kind of like, what are we going to do now? - Of course. - He really died two years later, he was being accident, right? - We got him while he was still around. - He was there, yeah. - Yeah. - Jesus, would you have to bring up how he died? - I wanted to make sure people knew that this was, that he was hearing that joke before he died. - Okay. - You were making fun of him after he tragically died. - I would never do that. - That's nice, okay good. - Because he's not there to cut away too. (laughing) - Oh my God. - I have a heart and I'm practical. (laughing) - You can't cut to a grave, it just doesn't look good. - Oh, Jesus. - Well I'm sorry. - Jesus Christ. - I've tried it. (laughing) - It's called a comedy killer. (laughing) - Yeah, tell that to Sonny Bono, cut to hay. - Oh my God. - Yeah, well Brian, I'm glad you came in for your staff review. - Yay. - Well thanks for all the laughs and all the fun. - You too, I mean, just so many, so many great jokes, there was one. I remembered when every celebrity was coming out with a Cologne and I thought you wrote this one, but it's just, it's still every now and then I think about it. It was just like, Luciano has been Pavarotti's alive. Hello, and I said, and it was true. It was in the story that he had come out with a Cologne and you said. - Well this wasn't mine, but it wasn't yours. - That was a great job. - Luciano Pavarotti, you know, today Luciano Pavarotti released a scent. - This time on Purpose. - I was so happy with that one. I still think about that one. - But that was not your joke. Oh, okay. - Well, I'm care. - I couldn't do every fat joke. - No, that's true. - Do you still remember all the jokes you wrote? Like if you listened to his White House correspondence dinner, would you be like, I wrote that one? - You forget most of them. - Oh, okay. - When I look through my whole career, I never know, you know, people will say to me sometimes, oh, that's so you, that joke. You must have written that one on it. I don't even know anymore. - No, no, and people would come and I made a joke and they go, that wasn't mine. And then I look at my computer. It's like, oh, there it is. It's like, oh, I didn't remember that at all. Yeah, that definitely happened. How are we gonna do this here at The Oscars? - Taco Bell Diary, a joke. - Well, you know, if Chris Christie. (laughing) - Yeah, great back, Chris Christie. - You know, anyone listening to The Oscars, if I walk out there and the first thing I do is say folks, we've got a great Oscars tonight. So many stars are here, but quickly I just got to mention a truck carrying 900 declares just overturned in Newport, Rhode Island. When he heard, Chris Christie said, "Get me to Newport." (laughing) - Cut to Leo DiCaprio, looking confused. - Timothy Shalame, Kylie Jenner laughing really hard. - Oh, she's like, that's good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's your audience. - Well, yes, and if he, Chris Christie, if he thinks it's The Oscar Meyer. (laughing) - I'm not gonna parent that. - Oscar's the hot dog people. - No, the film award. (laughing) You're gonna be calling him saying, "Would you do a bit where you keep running in with a bib?" Saying, "Oscars, are the weeners here?" No, Chris Christie. You're the worst. I'm just realizing right now, you have crippled my career. Get the fuck outta here. Brian Kylie, God bless you, sir. - Thank you so much. - Go Pat. - Go Pat. - Uh-oh, this is gonna. - Oh, boy, boy. We just do this. - Controversial. - Yeah, hovin' out. 'Cause when this air is full of already lost. (cheering) I said it before. Conan O'Brien needs a fan, with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivina. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producer, Sean Doherty, and Lisa Burm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of serious XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan, wherever fine podcasts are done.