Soup

This episode is dedicated to the late, but in her day magnificent Stephanie Cole, who has died at the age of 84, world-class actor with a career most in the biz would give their right arm for, all-round superwoman and a very devil on the ukulele banjo. She will be greatly missed. Thank you, Stephanie! I was in York recently, which is very lovely. York, to me, is what extra is supposed to look like. Right, yes. So in your mind, you picture York. Norwich is also a sort of equivalent to that. Both by decablits, but yeah, like York, York, they did a better job of repairing it, and also they did, they had less like bulldozers ravaging the old town in the 60s and putting up sort of bits of breeze block. Oh, I think we need to pause that. There's a phrase you use there. You tossed off. A big problem. And it confounded both me and Ben. tossed off, is that what you'd say? Wanked out? Oh, yeah, yeah, go on. Which was by decablits? Oh, yeah, I was in like the blitz as in the bombings of the Second World War. There was a sub-blitz called the by decablits, where you had a guide book, the by-decker guide book. It was a tourism book published before the war. Yeah. There was used by Goebbels to go, if we bomb the premium cities in this book, they're already making everyone in Britain sad. Oh, I see. Oh, wow. Because by decablity says you must see York. You must see Coventry. You must see Norwich. You must see Exeter. But not Oxford, because Hitler wanted that for his base, you see. It's time for Provincial Dad Chat. Who's hidden my bloody walking boots? I'm not saying it's ruined the holiday. I'm just saying I asked for rum raisin. It just gets on good otherwise we'll miss the inflatable session. She's taking her mother to see blood brothers, which means more top gear time for me. Why would I need to go and see a podiatrist? Of course, I've kept the warranty information darling. But there was a deal, so Oxford and Cambridge got let up and then certain cities in Germany were also let off as an idea. We won't touch your Oxford if you don't touch our vamps. Wasn't it? We did their, um, we did their Dresden. And we did the horrible. I always assumed that Dresden was some kind of industrial town and we were, you know, taking out all of the munitions factories and stuff. And then I went to Dresden. It's the most beautiful place. Yes, it's this incredible like old 1700 buildings. It's kind of, yeah, it's their Oxford or it's amazing. And I was like, oh, we that was such a bad, that was bad. Yeah, yeah, it's such a weird start to the show. But they did it both sides. But they did a dreadful job and exit of rebuilding. And in the 60s, like mashed up all kinds of nice stuff as well. They're quite weird about it to this day. Mike, Mike, on the local stage, a little phrase that you'd like to pull out. Gone, which is, uh, what the Luftwaffe couldn't do with the council bloody did. Who needs the Luftwaffe when you got extra council? All right, basically doing the same job. You should give them some bloody uniforms as well. Basically one, like for like, yeah. Although the difference is that trains actually prove a run on time if the Luftwaffe landed and then began to charge it landed. Landed and becoming charge of trains. Anyway, I was treated to York and I had a lovely little surprise on the Saturday because York was beset by swarms of naked cyclists. Just quite cool. I was it. Yeah. Oh, I'm just thinking about seats. I'm just thinking about the seats in the crack. I'm just thinking about the crack on the seat, the seat in the crack. Yes, well, also kind of because the A-drange, there was quite a wide A-drange, but it was, most of it was, was centered around the sort of middle-age and late middle-age. Oh, of course. Yeah. It's never the person who you want to see their ass cracks sprayed over a hard-level seat as it is. That's one of the rules of life, basically, isn't it? If someone's going to be basically flossing their paranoia with a bronzer, it's not going to be the person who you want to see flossing their paranoia. It tends to be less flattering than any one emotions anyway, I think, that whole thing. Yeah, but the fact is, we're all mucking in together and it's a good laugh, but also presumably it's for charity and stuff. No, I think it was, I was, when I got confused, I thought it was just a climate change protest, which I think it was a bit. As a sort of warning, if it gets too hot, this is what you'll see every day during the morning commute, it's what you have to look at. But it was also about road safety, it turns out. But I thought the people of York seemed to be quite enjoying it, and everyone was having a nice time in that, because they'd stopped in the middle of a street. I think there's literally called the pavement, or just pavement. No. But it turns out they'd stop because they had counter protestors. Who are clothed? But wearing loads and loads and loads and loads of clothes. Exactly, maximally clothed. But I didn't see any of them. We had them in Cardiff a few years ago, and there were people who certainly on Facebook, I remember seeing on Facebook people saying, "Well, people think of their children, and this is disgusting, their purpose, all this kind of stuff." And I think, you know, when you don't really know what you think about something, until your confront did with it. Yeah. I was like, "No, it's quite a fun, isn't it?" I was fine. I think in most people in York seemed to think it was a laugh. And including kids, I mean, there were parents pointing it out to their children, who laughing up royously going, "I knew it, I was right. These people are gross." Yeah, whole people are gross. You know? And the bus drivers didn't mind it. There was only one man I saw who minded it. He seemed to be in a sort of, yeah, a reindeer over the sort of the size of it. Of a leisure center. Plowing through. Yeah, wanting to plow through. Yeah. But I felt like, I think this is aimed at you a bit, mate. I found it quite heartening. So what I'm trying to work out is, what happens to the frontal exterior genital pouch? Yeah. Pouch. What happens to you? It's perfectly normal to have a pouch, by the way. Everyone has a pouch. It's just puffed up. It's an evolutionary sort of. It's a vestigial pouch, isn't it? Yeah. From our marsupial days. Oh, marsupial days. And also sometimes there'll be a zip. And there'll be some traces of branding. Can I actually be seeing what it can't do? Sometimes a USB-C charger. Yeah, what would happen to it during the cycling action? Would it sit atop of the thighs or underneath them? What I could see was that there was. What are you talking about? What part of the body are you talking about, Henry? Lured content warning. Lured content content. Cock and balls, Ben. Okay. Okay. He's talking about the old chop and two bench. Is what he's talking about? Yeah, chop and two bench. There's a couple of the younger men hadn't quite decided on that. I was standing on the pedals. I noticed that. And there were some people who definitely edging quite far forwards into the seat and allowing the nose or the tip of the beak of the seat to lock in quite firmly with their grizzled anus. But within the testicular valley, is this? No, I think so. The testicular valley is then loose and swishing about. Oh, so okay. And they were even, I mean, there were. Because you know how you get different frames, right? You get the traditional. There was such a thing as a sort of ladies frame, where the bar was skirt. There were definitely some older men who had those frames. And I did wonder if that's because they were worried about things swinging so low. They were effectively wearing a sort of a gentle skirt, of sorts. Or at least a spot on them. Well, it's another reason to not leave London. You've given me that, right? Thanks. Although the cyclists in London, given the shortness and the tightness of their shorts, may as well be naked if you ask me. You're loving stuff. Oh, that's not true of London. That's the regions. It's not when I used to commute in London, there would be people dressed like the Tour de France for some reason. Yeah, I know, there has been. But they'll normally be men of a certain age who are commuting in from Surrey, and then telling everyone for the rest of the day that they've cycled in from Surrey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And actually, it takes 55 minutes from you going to the speeds I'm going in. It's actually quicker than if you lived in certain parts of London. I was in New York recently, and I was basically just changing trains, and I had a bit of time, and I was like, what should I do? I wanted to go in the minster, but it cost money to get like big money, like 20 quid. They were back to shut, so it was like, you can go in, but you already have 10 minutes, but it will still be 20 pounds, which felt mad to me. But there's a service on at that time, but I didn't really want to go to the service, because I didn't have time to go to the whole service. Did you have to get baptized and confirmed? Exactly. And as long as you saved 14 pounds, 50, that's fine. Sign me up. Yeah, we'll need a proven miracle as well. At this short notice, you'll have to be qualified. You will have to agree to be a contralto in the choir for 20 years. You'll have to sing the Descan to in the Bleak Midwinter, Bleak. For some minor royals, twice a year. So what I did was, I knew I couldn't go to the whole service, because I had to get my train. So I went in, telling them I was going to the service. Yeah, I peeled off to try and look at some wall bits. Then I was like apprehended by a deacon maybe, or a virgin, or whatever. who said, "Excuse me sir, buh buh buh." I was like, "Okay, find a security cure it." Yes, exactly. But I walked back towards the chapel where the service was about to take place. Pealed off again. Oh, they know about you. Your photo is plastered. What your photo is. I pealed off into the North transept. Had a little look. Then another security decon came along. So, excuse me sir. Are you going to stop pealing off? He's not peeling off. You have been rendered permanently in coloured glass of the windows of the minster, in the Rogues gallery window. And then I thought, right, can I peel off a third time? And I was pretty sure I couldn't because they were really watching me now. There was like two of them. They were tailing me. Yeah, this isn't the first time this has happened. No. Bloody hell. So then, I think I did a genius move. Okay. I pealed off towards the toilets. You wouldn't think of peeling off in that direction. Surely they've barricaded the windows and surely there's no way out of toilets. They're onto that surely. So I went to the toilet. I sat in the minster and escaped through the sewers of yours. Once I did that, I did have to then leave the building. It's classic ponjo, isn't it? No, no, no, no space is too sacred. He goes and he takes and he takes that he takes. So if you visit York minster today, you can see now they've finished it having the full of the stained glass sort of gallery of sods. Yeah. The bus sort of Cardiff. Yeah. He's just in between Pontre's pilot and Judas. You can see they've had to add him in because he's on an angle in between the servants head sort of poking out. It's like he's photobombing but in stained glass. Yeah. It's a stained glass photo bomb. With the risk of the opening of this podcast sounding like it might be a bit dull. What is a minster? What is a minster? Isn't it basically a church really? No, but it's like cathedral levels, isn't it? But quite a fancy one, like a big old cathedral. Oh, it's cathedral level. It's got a minster, but also places are called something minster, aren't they? You'll have kid a minster. I mean, I assume there is a minster there, but all there was a minster, but are people talking about the minster? Okay. I've got to say it basically. I just don't give a toss but any of this stuff. I'm just going to come out and say it. Yeah, but you brought it up. I know I did. Against my better judgment. But this to me is just summing up what life in the region is about. It's basically discussions about whether something's a minster or not and what difference that makes. And then cycling around naked. You know what I mean? It's basically how leading a stilter-fangely dull existence and having to just desperately try to to revivify yourself by doing something completely mad. That just makes no sense. It's just, you know what I mean? It's just you're veering wildly between these two extremes of just putridolmus and then just ghastly whacking us. Yeah. Oh, we're getting, now we're getting, now we're getting to do a thing where we throw the cheese off a cliff and it lands on someone's dick. That's not interesting. That's just weird. If you're just cycle, if you're just cycle naked through London, right? If all those people to transfer them to London, I don't think they'd even get mugged. I just don't think anyone would give a shit about them enough to even, no one would even look up from the person they were mugging. Might be the only way not to get mugged in London. Mug Dropless is what I call it and I'm not referring to my business idea for a massive shop that sells mugs. That's a separate idea. That's separate. I think Mug Dropless with a capital M, that's my, is a good idea. Seven floors, great parking. Huge exterior handle. Mugpool for the kids. All of the staff are complete mugs. Come and get mugged off at Mug Dropless. And so the customers, but we don't announce that at the MGM, at the MGM. The MGM Las Vegas. The Mug General Meeting. We don't announce that to the mug holders. But the customer's a total mugs because the fact is the mugs are really overpriced in a quite low quality. That's where the margin is. None of this should be printed on and sold as a mug. Is that completely derailed? That's last year. You've got to stop printing stuff. I say an email. I was on the mugs and selling it to customers. I've got to sort that out. And what I'm just reading, I'm reading this on a mug that I've just walked into the shop and I'm reading all of this on a mug. I'm just inaugurating these things on to mugs. Stop this. And who sent this? I actually think King Prince Charles is in a bit of a dick. Who printed that on a mug? That was a private voicemail. I sent to my wife. Royalists are our biggest market, you fool. You can't sell mugs to Republicans. Everyone knows that. It's basic. The Prince Edward mug is our best selling mug over the last five years. Do not jeopardize that. And the fun mug idea I had where we had two handles on each side and each of those were apps. We were representations of one of King Prince Charles's ears. That to be fair, that was actually a mug idea. That was my bad. I thought we have more percent of humor about that stuff. I was wrong. That was my bad. I hold my hands up. Thing is right. Famous last words and everything. Everyone talks about how everyone's mugging every one of the whole time in London. The next door neighbours of my parents, they moved into that house and they moved out. We just can't bring up our children here. There's too much mugging. They came from Sweden, I think. They moved to it. They've been mugged. No, I don't think they'd even been mugged. I mean, this is maybe slanderous, is it? I'm going to change the professions. Okay. Okay. The guy, you're going to change the names as well. The names is probably better. If you're looking for one thing to change, or from the names as. His name was Sven. And instead of saying he was a banker, saying that he was a baker, do you want to meet him? Okay. So the man was called Dr. Michael Pandango. Yeah. Okay. So Dr. Michael Pandango, and his job is male sex dancer. Is that what he got his doctorate in? Or is that just. Or is he just. That's a trade he found while he was trying to pay for his studies. But basically, him and his family, they've decided to move to Dubai. Right. Because obviously he's got a good job there, which you think that, you know, bearing in mind the nature of the state, you think male sex dancer would be. You definitely have to. You have to grease a few palms to get for the local government to be okay with that, right? Yeah. That's got to be on the download. It's got to be on the download there, because that's fine. So they don't like mugging, but they don't mind the occasional explosive drone coming in through the living room window of their house built by slaves. Basically, what exactly. No, this is. I'm saying, I think what my parents' theory is, I mean, this is where it is. Is this sort of. Actually, could we change my parents' name to my poor aunts? Okay, yeah, your poor aunts, your uncles. What I think's going on is, they feel guilty about the fact they're moving to Dubai, because obviously, they're just moving to Dubai for the money, and it's a totally like cold, characterless sort of. Yeah. Imagine York, it was really hot, and didn't have any old buildings. And it absolutely wouldn't have a naked bike ride, I wouldn't mind. That would be. That would be dealt with very effectively, wouldn't it? But essentially, they're using. But what they're trying to cover, they're trying to pretend that they're trying to blame London. Look at it better recently, which actually you just can't move without getting mugged here, everyone's mugging here on that time. It is easy to have a villain, isn't it, in the piece? Yeah. Yeah. Is there a thing that the people who get mugged the most are themselves foreigners? And you generally get mugged when you're on holiday or abroad, don't you? Because you don't know the territory as much. Exactly, yeah. So I think a lot of people go to London for the week, get mugged, come back and tell everyone they got mugged, and statistically they've been to London once and got mugged, so it's basically a 100% mug zone. Exactly, isn't it? That's what it is. I think there's a bit of that going on, because tourists are easy prey and all that kind of stuff. And by the way, 100% mug zone, that's also a quite a good idea. Well, I don't want to confuse that with, well, they're your biggest competitors aren't they, 100% mugged there. Now, as the night's drawing, yes, and the cold hands of mother time and mother winter, yes, wrap themselves, their long love of Christmas and mother Christmas, wrap themselves around our bodies and souls, and, of course, the rat matriarch myself. Yes, mega Susan. The mega rat, mega Susan, the mega rat. Ratmas is nearly upon us. That's right, ratmas. It's at that time of year again. And it's quick. It's sooner and sooner, you know, I was in Tesco's year then. They've already had the ratmas effigy stuck to the ceiling. Yes. Well, the ratmas, I think, is actually getting less commercial every year. Yeah, do. That said, we are about to ask people to buy tickets to come and see us for our ratmas show. Yes. Oh, yes, it's getting more commercial. That's right. Yes, ratmas shows. We're doing ratmas shows this year. We're doing a ratmas show at Soho Waltham Stowe in London. Beautiful venue. Also, how Waltham Stowe Ho Ho. That's on Saturday, the 5th of December, 2026. And also, the night before on Friday, the 4th of December, 2026. We'll be at King's Place in King's Cross. And that one will also be streamable. Oh, it seems to watch that. Wherever you are on Earth. And also does that mean we're are we calling out for rat stories there for as well? We are absolutely calling out for rat stories. Yes, please. If you have a fun rat story How is a rat interacted with your life? Yeah. How is a rat got the better of you? Oh Do send us those in because we will be of course counting down the 12 rats of ratmas Yes, please Or is it the 12 days of ratmas? I can't remember but we'll know by the time we take it live Oh, yeah, get on down see there. So these will be going on sales general sale and this week if you're listening on day of release on the 25th of September which is Friday However, if you are a patreon member, there'll be a patreon pre-sale the day before on Thursday the 24th So to guarantee your tickets start your engines, start your engines Ratmas see there last time was a lot of fun to it. Yeah, I can't wait. I love ratmas It's beginning to look a bit like ratmas Let's turn on the bean machine not off This week's topic has been sent in by Max from Bremen. Thank you Max and he has put into the bean machine Where he's poured into the bean machine soup Soup Soup, okay, we have all definitely at times Bragged to one another that we have made a soup. That's definitely happened that definitely hasn't happened I'll tell you why because I think soup is bullshit. I'm sure you've made a soup. Maybe I'm getting you mixed up with a stew But Benry is definitely I have definitely bragged and Henry's definitely bragged about making a soup I'll make a stew all day, but a soup I have made the odd soup, but I'm not a huge soup fan And I kind of know I know what you mean bond about soup being soup being bullshit potentially because It's the whole is the whole is it a drink thing isn't it can you is it basically a drink is it a savory drink? It's a drink rebranded as food. Yeah How many bits do they need to be floating in it before it becomes a stew? I do need to have so many bits in it that just basically is to you and for that like I do like minestrone soup. Okay I see I would say that's one of my least favorite soups Michael, I don't mind the minister any don't get me wrong, but I'd you know I feel like what do we do that for me is that what are we doing here? We've just got the water the sauce is too watery That's all it's just a pasta with too much sauce. Yeah Interesting and a watery sauce. I recently had some soup in a prette and in fact I bought in a very rare I'll buy a soup But they were selling something called lasagna soup I said budget. I've seen that and I've thought about photoing it and sending it to you And I've just thought ah fuck it. What's the point? But every time I see it I think I could send this to Bonjo and he'd be interested and they just think Sod it and we're gonna do you are right. It's fantastic. I see a sort of sacrilegious almost you're gonna have to tell me What that means? I came up. How can you lasagne your a soup because it can't mean genuine stratas of soup that are not mixing Can it because by the way because I think it there's a kind of there's a kind of arms race happening now between the big cafe James for example, I saw a kimchi cross on the other day. Oh no, I'm sailing gales No, which really disgusted me again I thought about for doing it and sending it to one of you But I thought what's the point of talking to each other anymore? What's the point Connecting to people anymore in this world where you don't know if it's super real or made by AI. You don't know what's There's a word for doing that for showing someone something. Yeah, especially a thing in a relationship dynamics It's called a bird bid Wow, and that's based on the idea that you might see a bird in your garden. Yeah, I'd say to your partner. Oh, look at this bird in the garden. Should we turn it into a lasagna? So is this the lasagna is this it's a you took wet the lasagna of vocation of stuff The lasagna of vocation of society which is what's happening and basically the act of showing someone something else is More is less to do with you genuinely thinking they want to see it and more to do with a kind of bonding experience where If they go to the garden and go only look there is the bird. Yes, that that kind of builds the relationship But apparently if you if your wife for example says, oh, there's a look at this lovely bird outside and you go I've seen a fucking bird before love Let me go with my train my making my model train If you say that it's like it's really bad news for your relationship like it means that you're kind of On the rocks big time so it's a clue isn't it if if if you say to your partner. Oh look at this bird and your partner says I can't look at it I'm not interested. I'm trying to have an affair Can't be little signals. There are little signs aren't there? Yeah I'm just sorting out the payments have to make my illegitimate child bothering me But yeah, it's called the bird bid and bird bid look out for them in the relation in your own relationships So Henry had a sort of pack urge to make a bird bid. Yes, exactly. But he thought that pack urge Exactly, it's because I knew that this would mean I'd be making more of an emotional connection to Ben Okay, and or Mike. Yeah, which is just gonna make the final confrontation all the more difficult. Exactly Exactly, don't get too close to your colleagues That's what they say you shouldn't get too close to your colleagues You should keep it cold Keep it impersonal. I had a lovely birthday card from Henry I didn't say I was saying happy birthday colleague Wonderful I put an asterisk and I next to happy and down the bottom. I said you I said Although, please don't tell me whether or not you are happy at the moment or wherever Yeah, it's a breaching lines there aren't we it's breaching lines Because at some point at some point I may have to let you both go That's why you she shouldn't get too close to your colleagues. Yeah, if it turns out the the Ben can be mechanized for example You know, yeah, which we're looking into but it's it's hard to get a computer to be that to be as a moral as Ben So you've got my crushing machines haven't you know you've got that sort of very basic agricultural Yeah, well, but we'll bond it does have the moral code of a threshing machine doesn't it which is see something thresh it Is it that's your basic moral wheat in chaff out But that wheat might be a human being or all right or or a much plan deester party Can I say I've got I've got an important warning about the dangers of human connection Okay, that I've that I've made recently and it's such an obvious mistake. I've even talked on this podcast about this Keep as many of the relationships as you can in your life cold and transactional I've made that a hill that I'll that I'll die on you'll die alone on that I'll die A hill that I'll die I'm mourned on And unburied a hill which I will decompose on in fact a hill which will eventually have to be cordoned off and Probably sort of blown up Yeah, while the magpies do their thing. Yeah, the the hill on which I will be pecked to the bone on Keep things cold and transactional wherever possible. So for example, I've made a classic mistake now I've talked about this before. I live in a service department. Have you said good morning to the concierge I've got so look I know it sounds flash. It's just it's all it means is there's a bookstake on a desk. It's not it's not flash Oh, it just means you know who's stolen your amps and parcels base You always feel the urge to say that it's not flash. I know I do don't know what concierge comes up But it does sound so flash and it's nice this pattern of yours I think you need to get a bit crisper and more convincing also because when the revolution does come The mob will be coming for concierge buildings first. Yeah, I hope the concierge will fight to the death to stop them on your party But the fact is the concierge is will will turn upon the concierge That's one of the first signs of the apocalypse. The concierge is will feast upon the concierge Be right when the revolution comes there'll be like service department service this and acts up your ass Yeah, I think it's funny doesn't matter because it's not about being clever. Anyone funny is it? On podcasts it's about feeling the force of my acts because I imagine the concierge is wearing like a little hat Some things that tails open to your eyes your hat tails a pressed white sort of white military sort of flannels Yes, sort of white Mickey Mouse style gloves a murky past possibly including war crimes. Yeah, yes, yes It's a classic but a real can do guy. Yeah, but yeah, because he does have a former sergeant major of a regiment that did some yeah Absolutely appalling things. I think that would be quite a good Jason state in film. Wouldn't it the concierge? He's a guy with like he used to be a military sniper. Yeah, no, he's a concierge and he has to defend the building That's a good film siege film. Yeah, it's a defend the building using only products in Amazon parcels. Yes, yes, exactly It's siege makes castaway, isn't it? Yeah, it's perfect have to kill seven special operators with a set of swimming goggles for flat 17 or a ginormous alligator. I have to take down using only 50 packs of wet wipes, which is the Henry Bacabalt purchase order comes in every quarter, 50 packs of wet wipes, Jeremy gets me through a quarter. You can obviously double that in the cold winter months. So yeah, so lovely man, you're very nice guy. I really like him, my constierge. That's why I've been fighting it. I've been fighting the urge to be nice and to chat, because he's a really nice guy. But I've thought, Henry, you know what happens. You make a connection, it causes problems for everyone. What problems is it causing? I'll tell you. Okay. Have you slept with him? Yeah, okay. I'm sleeping with him right now. It's a fresco. He's really quickly. We had, I allowed myself to have a little chat. I should have kept it remains of the day. Yeah, yeah. So remains of the day, if you've ever seen it as a tragic story about how two people have a really good relationship, but they don't express themselves. And then they fuck it up by expressing their emotions to each other. So I made that mistake. I got chatting to him. Turns out he's got some young kids. I gave him two of my kids books that I've illustrated. Right. Okay. Nice. Exactly. Nice, Mike. That's the mistake. Where's the problem? Where's the problem going? The problem is now I'm two, I'm two or two books down. I'm too scared to go and get fly packages and stuff, because I'm worried that maybe his kids didn't like the books. Is he going to mention the books? That's okay. It doesn't matter if they don't like the books. It's a nice thing. He gets to come home and say, look, there's this thing and they're like, oh, they don't like it. That's okay. But he's happy. He's the one the relationship is with. Not the kids. He's got a nice thing. He's happy. And it means the when the when the building is besieged by Nazi robots. He's going to have your back. This guy. You're going to be you're going to come out of that alive with your illustrator hand intact. I hope that's right. I have to protect Henry. He's an illustrator. We're going to need them. It turns out the robots really hate being satirized. It freaks them out, if you're seeing themselves portrayed. Open the door to your heart just as he opens the door to the building. Very nice, Mike. Thank you. Okay, guys. I've got a game, which I think will be fun. It's called Infinite Soup. Triangle. What it is is we name soups until one of us can't name a soup. That's a good game. I can see it now. It's a good game. I can see it now. It's a good game. Get it on the SNES. It's going to be it. Get it on the SNES with the rock Johnson in a couple of years time. Yeah. I played this in, were you there? I played it in Mac. We're here to name famous cats until one of us could. That's an incredible game. It lasted for about an hour and a half. I did cats and dogs. It's a good game. Is it just naming a soup in this game or are there rules? There's have to be the last letter of the first soup. Bloody hell, that's confident from Mike. I'm going to start because I thought of the game. That should give me some privileges. I can also play the Henry Wins card. Okay. That's quite a useful card to have. I think I'm going to be quite bad at this. Well, let's see. So I'm going to start with Hammond P. Nice. I'm going with Ministrone. I'm going to go Carrot and Coriander. Cullen Skunk. Oh nice. Skink, isn't it? No, I have one that would skunk. That's why I like having mine. Malagatorni, I've never really known what it is, but I am the way that it is. Gazpacho. Oh, damn you. You played the Gazpacho card. Take the top off. It's a sexy 70 style strip swingers, swingers game. I should have pointed that out. Okay. So I'm going to go for venison and prunes. What? No, damn. Lental. Nice. Okay. Yeah. Will you accept given that it is being sold currently in pret stores, lasagna soup? Yes, we have two. Topical. Tomato. Oh, look. Off with the trousers. Come on. Mushroom. Mushroom is fine. Yeah. Just as I say, isn't it? Chicken and noodle. Yeah. Okay. Am I allowed in that case a simple chicken broth? Yeah. I think so. Okay. Yeah. Cumberland sausage. Isn't that just the way of ruining a Cumberland sausage? Veg. Yeah. Okay. Mixed veg soup. It's in mixed veg. It's still one of the clicks, clicks machine, isn't it? What's the click machine? There's all sort of kind of automatic cup of soup vending machine things. From back I'm a legal click. They were sort of, they're pretty ubiquitous in university, sort of bars. You never get a crouton in those, do you? No, no, no. It's always close to smooth a crouton situation. Yeah. It's a zero crouton arrangement. Oxtail soup. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. It's a thick, hardy one, isn't it? No. It's not just a French onion. Nice. Damn. Damn you. I'm just thinking about a soup. I'm just trying to think of a soup now. That's the game. Yeah. It's one of the reasons it's maybe not television ready as a format. It needs a little bit of. It needs to work just out. We didn't have the kinks because watching someone trying to think of a soup. We'd have dancers. On the TV show, they'd be dancers. Yeah, there's dancers. I think we may have finished the soups. That's the other thing because there's only about probably between 12 and 15 soups. That's right. Yeah. That's right. I need udon. That's a kind of noodle. Okay. But that whole world of, um, do you mean, um, miso? Ramen. Ramen. I'm saying miso. Yeah, miso. I had a miso the other day. Isn't there a quite a good, still, stillton soup? Stillton and, but it's something else, isn't it? Oh, my God. Isn't there a stillton and something soup? Stillton and bacon, quite often they go together, don't they? I never have stillton in anything that isn't just having cheese on on bread or cracker. I never have a stillton salad. Cream of past nip soup. Lovely. Oh, nice. I think as long as you say cream of something, it sounds plausible. Yeah. Ah, yes, particularly that doesn't have a cream that comes out of it. Then, yeah, it could be anything if you're okay. Yeah, you kind of cream of milk. You kind of cream of cow. Can you? No, no, no, it needs to be more like, um, yeah, cream of rice. Yeah, cream of rice. Cream of rice. Cream of rice. Cream of Mars bar. Yeah. So also, we can now, we can just now relaunch and just start again from the beginning. It's a cream of minestrone. We can just, we can cream of everything we've had. How we cream of ramen. Cream of Malakatoni. Yeah. It's a cream of round. Say a soup, Henry. Um, God, I've just playing for time, playing for time. Um, I reckon maybe that is now all the soups. No, um, sake of a salmon soup. Egg, egg, egg soup, egg and salmon, egg and salmon. Egg and salmon soup. And egg and salmon soup. There are certain things you can't soup. Why is that like egg? I think you've lost an egg. Yeah, you're right. It's turned into a conversation about the point of infinite soup triangles. Isn't to actually name soup. It's for people who talk to each other and fuck. That's the point of it. It's to connect people. Are you aware of that? There's such a thing as an infinite soup, which is a soup that's boiled forever. No. What does that mean? As it's always on the go kind of thing. What a mythical soup. There's a rumour of a soup. A soup that's never been found. No, no, there's, there's a man on Instagram who's doing an infinity soup. So that's been going for a couple of years. And every day he like pours something new into it and eats a bit. It's always going for two years. Is he getting quite ill? No, because it's constantly boiling. And there are things that, there are things that can survive boiling. Mike, can I say that's a, can I say that's a great line to put in the trailer for our, for our, for the concert film, start starting to save them. There are things that can survive boiling. Okay, because they're trying to boil the building now. Is it? He'll probably end up creating some sort of, yes, some sort of super toxin, you know? Well, I look at it. It's called a perpetual stew. Right. And it was a common element in medieval ins. Oh, okay. And they'd just kept it going forever. they lived a long time, didn't they? There's one in Thailand which has been cooking since 1974. Blimey. There's one in Japan that's been going to this 1945. No. Is that the end of Infinity Soup Triangles? I think so. I mean, I just feel about it. But what about my mind playing it? Well, maybe I'm out. You guys can carry on. Okay. Okay. I'm out. I'm out. Tom Yum. Oh, okay. Got it. I've stopped thinking. It's a Chinese soup, I think, isn't it? Of course I've forgotten. There's a whole bunch of soups I've forgotten now. Turkey Patriot. What the heck is that? Ethan on Independence Day, of course. There's got to be some sort of Patriotic soup, hasn't there, in America? That's weird. Hunter soup. There's definitely a hunter's soup. There is a stew. Hunter stew. It's got to be a stew. That's not a soup. It wouldn't be a soup. It'll be a stew. Anyway, that is, infinitely soup triangle. It sort of, it kind of, it doesn't really end so much as kind of fizzle, doesn't it? Or it peaches out, yeah. Time to read your emails. Yes, please. When you send an email, you must give thanks to the postmasters that came before. Good morning, postmaster. Anything for me? Just some old shit. When you send an email, this represents progress. Like a robot, chewing a horse. Give me your horse. It's my beautiful horse. Taylor emails, it is possible to have a mouth without an anus. Oh, wow. Okay, let's hear it. They just attract talk. And who'd have thought Taylor Swift would be the person that knew that? But she's so, she's so multi-skilled. She's the modern Renaissance woman. How many years? Yeah. Taylor writes, "I am a biologist for the National Marine Fisheries Service in America." Blimey. She's a fed. She's a goddamn fed. So she's up second. She's what? A biologist for the National Marine Fisheries Service. Why does that make her a fed? She's a national, she's a federal branch of the federal government. Does it mean it's sort of the FBI? It's both of the FBI, but for all of this. Okay, so it's not like a regional maritime agency. Taylor might have gone on the cover as a headache for five years to get the job that they've got now. What these people have to give? She may have got too deep into the head of community. Exactly. Yeah. She may have gone rogue. She may have gone rogue, yeah. She may have gone full barnacle. She may have even forgotten who she is. But all she knows is she can behave exactly like a haddock. And she has all the skills of a haddock. But her memory's been wiped. So now she just travels from town to town in a bucket. Helping people. Using all her haddock skills. So that's the skill of. The main skill being tasting quite a lot like cod. Mm-hmm. Yes. Sustainably. She can go completely incognito or she calls it incognito. You will have no idea. It's just white flaky meat as far as your concerned. And she uses that skill to help people. Yeah. Well, they say, and I can tell you that some animals like jellyfish and an enemies, but not octopuses, as Ben suggested, have only one opening to a cavity where food is digested. Waste is later expelled from the same aperture. These animals have a different embryonic development to bilaterally symmetric, tube-based animals like humans or crabs. Okay. That's interesting. That's interesting. I actually said that. Ring the bell. On the last episode, Ben, you chopped it out, didn't you? Because that's what I said to follow up my comment. It was exactly that. I mean, there's the semantic… Yeah, but they have something they're using as both. Right. Yes. So you're saying that they do have an anus, but it's also a mouth. It's the same thing. Well, Taylor also writes, it may interest you to know that crabs develop a mouth before an anus. Makes sense. Again, but a time pressure. Because if you've got that time pressure, you get stuff done, including embryological development. You know, it could be an essay. It could be growing a leg. It doesn't matter what it is. If you've got a deadline, you get on with it. And it's the right order. Yeah. It's the right order to do it. Isn't it mouth and anus? Yeah, exactly. Well, so they say, "Crematorium for mouth before an anus." Well, humans develop anus first. Yeah. It's a lovely moment. Isn't it for a young couple with the ultrasound? It's a sort of sonographic anus. Oh, we can see his anus. It's a lovely, lovely moment, isn't it? Tyler and Ashley email. Hello, beans, your latest episode on taxis inspired me to share the most awkward ride share interaction I've ever experienced. During a visit to St. Louis, Missouri several years ago, my wife and I needed to kill some time before going to an event one evening. We ordered a lift taxi to take us to a local indoor mall and shopping centre and we're promptly picked up by a friendly driver. We're not particularly talkative people, but this driver in his 20s or so, proceeded to ask us many questions about our visit, where we'd come from, what we were doing for fun, perfectly reasonable and genuinely friendly. However, our politeness in answering his questions, neglecting to invoke fangembo and generally providing him with any sort of amicable conversation, inspired the man to initiate a wild idea. And this is, I think, proving Hendricks to be right about his concierge situation. Yeah. When we arrived at the shopping mall, he parked to let us disembark, but not before asking us what our plans were for shopping around. No plans are really just trying to kill some time for a few hours, we answered. To which he responded, oh great. No, no. I'll join you then. No, no, what? What? [Laughs] Fangembo! [Laughs] That's too close to fangembo. That's why we sell the emergency fangembo canisters. To that point, you open to the canisters and it fills the room with whatever space you're in with a form of gaseous adog. [Laughs] I couldn't tell you a single shop we visited or anything we browsed. All I could think about was our new taxi driver companion walking along next to us, waiting to make more small talk. Mercifully, after wandering through about four shops for what felt like hours, brackets, but was probably only 15 minutes, he walked over to me, offered out his hand and a high five and said, "All right, great hanging with you guys, I'm gonna head out." Wow. I'd find that so confusing. Since that day, I followed a strict Fangembo policy during any taxi ride. Wow. I'd find that so confusing and I'm sure it's just innocent and just a guy who just liked, like, hanging out with new people for a bit and seeing what happens. I had a girl with the adventure takes me, but I'd be thinking, "What's going?" There's something. There's an ulterior motive here. I almost had this exact experience where I was in a taxi in L.A. Chatted to the taxi driver, I was there with my girlfriend at the time, and he said at the end of the taxi driver, "Take my number. Give me a call, but I'll get some drinks." I was like, "Okay, sure, sure, I'll take the number." I was thinking, "I'm obviously never going to do that." My girlfriend at the time was sort of like, "Oh, well, take some later." I was like, "What are you talking about?" He's going to cut us into fine ribbons. I finally mail from Marianne. - Hello, Marianne. - Hi, I'm working my way back through your back catalogue and just heard about Jordy Fish Merchants. - Oh. - I live in the small town of Wallonia, Belgium. - Oh, nice. - And my husband got charmed by Breton farmers. I was going to say it's a long way for the Jordy Fish Mungers to go. Got charmed by Breton farmers selling fruit and veg. He bought five kilos of apricots and eight kilos of potatoes. Five kilos of apricots. You're going to know about that when you've got through there, Marianne. You're going to know about that. Wow. So it seems that door to door regionally accented food seller is an international issue. All the best Marianne. Thank you, Marianne. Just keeping eye out for their stripy tops. You can see that the Breton fruit sale is coming. Yeah, and coming. Similar vine, though, isn't it with the Breton on the Newcastle? A lot of black and white stripy tops. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes. - Just going a little bit around. Just using a fine theme. Thank you to everyone who signed up with our Patreon. Yes, thank you. We've had a jingle from our old friend David Hall. Everywhere. The comedian David Hall. Yes. Of the wake up with the hall podcast. Do I mean? Which I believe you've done, Mike. I have done it. Yes. David writes, "Here is my grind core version of the Patreon jingle." Okay. Inspired by the Napalm Death Song You Suffer, which is the shortest single ever to make it into the UK top 40, at 1.79 seconds long. Mm-hmm. 1.79 seconds. Yeah. That's right. That's short, mate. So here's David Hall's grind core version of the Patreon jingle. Oh, yeah. So it is. He also writes, "PS. Our mutual friend Sammy told me during the Edinburgh Finch that Ben has somehow never mentioned in all the crowd-based liquid banter that he had pet crabs as a child. Is that true? It is true. Maybe you are a dark horse, Ben, aren't you? That is weird. That's never come out of what a dark horse. What do you think about the fact that David has outed you in this way? Well, I wasn't keeping it from you, I don't think. But Mike, this is something for us to discuss on our Ben's a dark horse. What's that group later on? This is why we started it, isn't it? This is almost definitive, I mean. Because you could feel I was holding something back, but you just weren't sure why. We've always known you were holding something back. We've always known. Whatever we uncover and we talk about on that thread, we always end in the same way with the same sign off. There's always more. That's always more. And there always is. We call you the human lasagna, don't we, the HR, because it's just layers within layers within underneath is more and more and more layers, layers of deceit, layers of deceit and the meat gets more and more murky, the deeper down in the sun you slice. Now a layer of crabs. You had pet crabs. Yeah. Of course, that's, have it literally explains Bondjamin, that you've fully exposed. Can my pretties? Most children with that, with their pet experience, they bond with the loving eyes of a dog. Yeah. So the fact is mammals and ungulates all have a similar moral code to humans. The humans have a more evolved moral code, but you've based your moral code, Bondjamin, on witnessing and observing the behavior of a decapod, one of the most evolved killers the world has. The most. It's basically a grenade with 10 legs. That's what a crab is, morally. It's a deca-legged grenade. That's of course. Yeah. Okay. Everything. I'm just going through my mind. It all makes sense. The only animal that is evolved, so should it need to, it could easily cut one end of the cables of a cable car. No other animal. No other animal could do that. It's ready for that. And it could go, it could get to the Alps, couldn't it? They all, because they all tend towards the Alps, didn't they? They do. That's probably what sideways, they're all slowly heading towards the Alps, aren't they? And because they're so small, they can get through passport control very easily, they just scuttle. Scuttle. No problems. Scuttle underneath, yeah. Scuttle underneath, if it was the ungulates can't do. Yeah, because you of course both had pet ungulates, didn't you, for other things. Yeah. Looking to the kind eyes of a goat. I had a mountain ram. Mike, a pygmy giraffe, and a teacup lava. Anyway, do check out our Patreon for lots of bonus stuff. There's loads up there now. If you go to patreon.com/3beancelled, you can check it out. A reminder, not, if you're on Apple, don't do it using the Apple app. It's actually cheaper if you do it on a browser and not through the Apple app. There are two tiers to sign up at. If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. You do indeed. Where Mike was last night. I was as well. And it was, it was a busy one, wasn't it? Because of course it was, it was glove swap. It was, thank you Henry. And here's my report. It was glove swap last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which opened with Paul from Detroit swapping a pair of chainmail armpit exfoliation wash mitts. For Steve braces sat in gloves for the repositioning of the royal bollocks. Barry Paul Clarks, cheeky little fingerless and backless cocktail gloves were hotly contested for and ended up being swapped with Lydia Freeman for a pair of cut-resistant juggler's gauntlets. Conversely, Matthew Magne's leatherette scuba muff attracted very little interest and he had to throw in his full collection of elbow length glow in the dark gloves, designed for loud emergencies with poor visibility, purely to secure a swap with Ursula France for a pair of 19th century webbed soup scoopers in a poor state of repair. Brian Murawski was in the market for some rubber thumb warmers, but came up dry and settled for a pair of gold-sized gold keeper gloves from Jordan and a set of Swiss army gloves from Annie. Each of whom in return got a pair of gloves commemorating the 1991 wedding of Cindy Crawford and Richard Gear. Jay Corfield Wood and Finnegan Ferguson Lease both got cold feet at the event and worried about going home with inferior gloves ended up swapping their picnic hamper gloves with each other, although not before each cleared out their favourite pickles from the refrigerated index finger storage sections. David Ridout, Travis Warburton, and Matt all turned up with sets of novelty toe socks, aka the gloves of the feet and were rightly jeered at until they were so ashamed they shrank to the size of lentils. Mark Case, Benjamin J. Evans, and Ben meanwhile all avoided the embarrassment of failing to swap their chicken leather high-fi stereo gloves with mini-disc by refashioning them into a pic-love puppets depicting snap crackle and pop and putting on a Rice Krispie's themed show in the Sean Bean Puppet Theatre where, at the time of writing, an enthralled James Glidden, James Barnes and Matt Kessel have clapped their hands to mince and are still on their feet insisting on a 17th encore. Thanks all. That's the end of the show. We'll finish off with our theme tune. This is a version of it sent in by Kitty from Exeter. Ooh. Well, well. Thanks, Kitty. Kitty writes, "Please find attached a voice memo of the bean theme composed by me." Well, I'll question that. "Bloing a series of raspberries on my nine-year-old son Rex's neck." Mm-hmm. "I've worn switches and kinds of regards, Kitty makes to thank you Kitty." "Thank you, Kitty." "Everything's an instrument, isn't it?" "And thank you, Rex." "Yes." "Sexy finds are expensive." "Why not?" "Rabbit eight-year-old." "Just word-to-the-wise, long-term, the eight-year-old will be more expensive." So it's a short-term game. Yeah. Just buy a saxophone, guys, because you don't have to put a saxophone through Goddamn College. Anyway, I'll see you next time. Goodbye. Thanks all. Bye. Thank you. Bye. [CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] [CLEARS THROAT] I think it's good stuff. Very good. I think Rex might need a little bit of tuning, but pretty. [CLEARS THROAT] Still nice stuff.