Something's Burning: Mark Normand & Keith Robinson Guess Who Patrice O'Neal Would HATE Today | S7 E17

- "Choice Hotels" gets you more of what you value. ♪ Comfort Inn ♪ ♪ It's calling your name ♪ ♪ Save on the stain ♪ ♪ Oh, and free waffles are yours to claim ♪ ♪ Book direct at choicehotels.com ♪ - I lived in a black neighborhood with a trans nanny. - That's it. - Yeah, and it was this guy, Enus. He taught me how to drive a stick, how to shave, how to fist fight. I learned how to be a man by a guy in a wig and high heels, and now I can't get hard unless I see a picture of RuPaul. So I'm all screwed up. ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Something's burning, something's burning ♪ ♪ Something's burning ♪ - Fully Loaded at Sea is back. Bigger, boozier, and birdier. November 19th to 23rd, 2026, Miami to Cozumel on the Norwegian Jewel. Me, Whitney Cummings, Big Jay Ogerson, Miss Pat, Felipe Esparza, Joe DeRosa, Rosebud Baker, Catherine Blanford, Shane Torres, Dave Williamson, Ian Finance, Sypha Sounds, the Dock Siders, and DJ Airwolf, and many more. Every day will be packed with live comedy shows, live podcasts, theme night, karaoke held by my wife every night at midnight, gambling, the tattoo parlor, and wild onboard events like the belly flop contest, the speedo contest, smallest dick on the boat, beer run, and game night. Shirts are optional, hangovers are questionable, swinging is encouraged, but we are guaranteed to drink this boat dry. You're not going to want to miss it. Book now at BurtKreischerCruise.com. Trying to get you on TV, Keith. I requested you. He requested you. On TV? Thank you. This is my TV. Pre-stroke and post-stroke. I think about you all the time because, you know, I'm like hardcore on blood pressure medicine, atorvastatin, all that shit. The day you had the stroke, what's the stroke feel like? Wait, which one? Yeah. How many strokes have you had? Four. No, two. Two. What was the first one like? You know, I'm a man. So being a man, it didn't feel, you know, shit just start. I got real weak. Yeah? I was at the comedy salon doing a podcast, and as soon as I finished the podcast, I went home. And everything was out. Really? And I'm like, "Oh, shit." I limped to my car because I'm a man. And I drove home. Wow. You drove home? Why? Because you're a man. I'm a man. By the way, fuck yes. Wow. How is that not a t-shirt, Keith? Yeah, that's right. And tell me if this is what you were looking for. I got two of them. That's good stuff. I mean, I used four of them. Oh, man. Yeah. I got two of them. You got two of them? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, now you swirl like this. No, no. Just give me a little sample. That's why I call it swirl. The good news is if you get pulled over drinking and driving, they won't be able to tell. You like it? If you're stroking or drinking. Yeah. I like it. I can smell it. Put it in there. Okay. I smell a good wine. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do red wine. I haven't had red wine in two years. Whoa. Well, no. No, no, no. I just throw up in my throat and it breathed into my lungs. Yeah. So, wait. I thought you had a stroke on a plane because you took Viagra. No. That was a second stroke. Oh, that was a second one. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, tell me this stroke. This stroke sounds so much sexier. So, I'm on a plane and you know how the Apollo announces how much time you got? Yeah. In the flight? Mm-hmm. So, I was drinking the whole time. Okay. I was drinking. And Apollo was 30 minutes out, so anybody who does Viagra knows it takes 30 minutes before it kicks in. Right. So, I pop my Viagra and my boner is starting to come up. Oh, shit. Is that what it sounds like? The boner alarm. Leave me alone, whore. I need one more pot, Stace, for this. Keep going. Keep going, Keith. This is a good story. So, I'm on a flight. I'm half drunk. I'm on a plane. And you know. Cheers, guys. Cheers, guys. Hey. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you. Keith, I tell you this. When I first got to New York, you were not the nicest all the time, but when you were the nicest, you knew you had a good fucking night. But you, Patrice, Bobby, everyone, Collin, you guys busted balls with that. And so, it's an honor to have you here. We like busting balls. That was the fucking. We could use a little more of that. We could use a little of that. You guys kept things in check. Yeah. It was good. It was good. More of that instead of public call-out videos. Keep going. Well, yeah. Public call-out. So, one doggone thing. There's a girl I wanted to sleep with for a while. Uh-huh. So, I couldn't wait. You know. I'm like, "Yeah. She's finally." Yeah. By the way. Well, whatever. She's finally out of high school. So, this is my big shot at it. I'm getting. You ever get a girl that you want for a while? Never have. So, you know. I'm making fun. I always do that. Yeah. Okay. But you're prepared with the Viagra. You were ready to go. Yeah. I had the Viagra ready. I popped the Viagra. So, I'm walking to the airport. I'm getting dizzy. I'm like, "What the hell is going on?" Not because of the Viagra, I guess, but it's just I'm getting dizzy. Yeah. I'm like, "Oh, man. Something's going on." I get in the cab, I'm in an Uber, and I'm feeling like, "What the fuck?" And I'm like, "What the hell?" And like I said, I had a choice. Should I go to the hospital and live? Oh, motherfucker. Or should I get laid? Why? I'm a man. Yeah. So, I'm knocking on her door, you know what I mean? And she's ready. I took a nice shower. You took a shower? Yeah. I took a shower. You took a shower? Yeah. I took a shower. I thought I could wash it. You're the busiest stroke victim of all time. Ubers, flights, showers. Chat GPT. What do I do in case of a stroke? Take a shower. Yeah. I thought I could wash the stroke off, you know what I mean? So, I'm like, "Oh, man," but I'm, you know, the Viagra is working. Yes. And I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. going and then it's like uh it got a little shaky yeah so but i still didn't go are you serious wow i spent the night because i said i'm gonna get something in the morning Oh, my God. I'm going to sleep this stroke off. How bad can a second stroke be? Yeah, you've done it before. You know the ropes. Once you get the clap once. That's like a Viagra ad. Viagra's so good. Yeah. Heart through a stroke. Yeah. And the next day, the ambulance comes and picks me up and takes me to the hospital. Now, because I'm a man, I said, I got to get on my next flight home. They said, well, you had a stroke. You're not allowed to. I said, but they recognized me and all. They said, do you keep problems? I'm like, yes, keep problems. And put me down on flight home. They said, you sure? I'm like, yeah, I'm sure. So I flew home, stroked out. Whoa. Are you serious? But the real thing, now, here's the real thing. What a badass. My dumb ass, no, a dumb ass, really. But I told my kid's mom and all of them, they said, where are you going at? Because I was flying out. Yeah, yeah, right. I said, I'm going on tour with Louie. Oh, my God. That's a different stroke. Oh, wow. That's so good. So they called Wanda Sykes up. Okay. I said, Wanda. He said, yeah, he's supposed to be with Louie. I said, wait a minute. Let me make a call. They called Louie up. He didn't answer the phone. But I'm feeling bad because they think that Louie left me out there. Oh, my God. The worst thing he's ever done. Fucking Louie's taking fucking flares. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if I told Louie this, but Louie is all the blame. That's fucking hysterical. My kids and my baby's mom, gee, they hated Louie. Look what Louie did to Kev. Wow. Did you think, like you've seen all of it, people come up. Did you think, like when you met Kev, were you like, he's got it? Or when you met Louie, were you like, he's got it? Or did you just like? - Louie was always a funny guy. - Yeah. - He was just funny. - Yeah. - Early on. Those guys from Boston. - Yeah. - It's something in the water. - Apollo, Burr. - Yeah, the trees. - Let's make the internet lose their mind, okay? all right right now right now funniest Boston guy Louis CK Stan Hope Stan Hope oh Burr Bill Burr Patrice O'Neill DePaulo DePaulo or Dane Cook and you got Goldman you can even throw in there but yeah yeah yeah fuck yeah Stephen Wright oh oh shit maybe the best joke writer of all time Leno Leno Jesus from Boston yeah wow but I mean New York can rival it New York is like Dennis Leary Chris Rock yeah Dennis Leary Eddie Murphy Chris Rock Seinfeld Attell uh Quinn yeah you know New York's pretty good too well I will say I think Boston I hate to say this but I think Boston's funnier than New York wow that list Boston's funnier than New York with that list definitely hanging out all right Chris Rock Chris Rock Eddie Murphy Troll Murphy all right never mind Seinfeld Attell Seinfeld Attell oh yeah yeah George Carlin that's a rumble yeah that's that is a rumble okay Austin kill Tony but you know one day some people look at those kids and go like well right now they're kids so we go like you know they're still working and stuff but people look at them and go like that's the funniest phase of comedy because comedy is I think it's generational it's the thing you grew up with the thing to help you to find you know what I mean right yeah who are yours who are yours like choir really that's it choir did you meet him yes I want to see him I want to see him perform and he was pretty messed up when I seen him but I still just like to see him live whoa he's more messed up than me Yeah, it's true. You never lit yourself on fire. More messed up than me is such a great canary in the mine. We all have our canaries in the mine. Like Stan Hope was mine for a long time, and then I became everyone's canary. And then I was like, motherfucker. Well, let's do what you said, though. Pick the funniest Boston guy. Funniest Boston guy? You pick him. You pick one. Without a doubt, it'll always be Patrice for me. Only because I feel like I got to witness him go from bitter dude standing outside the cellar and outside the Boston to elephant in the room. Yes. And that journey, witnessing how that journey worked for me was seeing all of it, seeing that it's possible, seeing that just because there was so much that went into it that I went like. You know, he moved to London. Three years to home. Yeah. But not to shit on Burr, but like, I watched Burr's. Like, I saw, like. But it's always when you're shitting on him. When you're not to shit on him. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No one confuses him. So you don't confuse this. But, like, Burr went from, like, very derivative, and he would admit this, Brian Regan. Like, he was Brian Regan. When I first met him, he was like, you ever watch the infomercials? Huh? And then this guy comes in with a pan. Bang, bang, bang, bang. What are we telling here? Wow. It was very much like that. And then I saw him when he was like, what the fuck's up with women and children first? Right. And I was like, whoa. But Patrice, I don't know. I just, he was never someone different. He was always, hated them. Yeah. He always, like, he always had, like, I remember one time I was, I said a prayer before I went on stage. And he was like, N-word, if I ever see you say a prayer before you go on stage. I don't throw a prayer. Nigga. I don't throw a phone book at you. If you ever do that again. I will throw a fucking phone book at you. And I was like. Patrice, we were roommates. Really? Yeah, Patrice was my roommate. And he slept in the kitchen. Yeah. We had a little thing for him in the kitchen, the bed and all that. You know. Imagine one guy you don't want to see when you walk into the kitchen in the morning. You think you're getting robbed. No, Patrice. No, but, you know, that was my man. He was my young boy. He was younger than me. You know what I mean? Did you see it in him early? Like, oh, this guy's got something. Even though the crowds tended to hate him. Yes, they hated him. But, you know, you can see it coming on him. First, he did some goofy stuff. Popeye. Oh, yeah. Racist Popeye. I got, got, got, nigga. Like, come on. What the fuck is that? One of his early jokes was, I'm black, but I'm fat. I'm a double X, double Malcolm, double XL. Double XL. There it is. That's another one. Yeah. Flush. Down the tall. That's more of a tweet. Yeah. Tweet. Yeah. But he, you know, started getting more and more into what he wanted to do later on. Yeah. When he started openly disliking the people in the room, I feel like he found his voice. Because he had a big thing with people like this. Like, if he saw you with your arms crossed, he'd be like, what are you doing? That's negative energy you're giving me. And he would start like that. And you'd be like, I mean, I only work the door. I only work the Boston. So, like, I would only catch snippets of it. But, like, that, working the door at the Boston, I feel like, like, that was the best grooming you could have ever had in that, because you just sat and watched everyone. Well, you know, when Matrice first came to Boston, I said, you want to go on? He said, nah, I'm not ready. Really? Because that, that was killer's realm. Right. Yeah. At the Boston. At that time. Yeah. You had everybody was blowing the room apart. Yeah. And you, if you didn't have, like, the Patrice had enough respect to go, not now. I'm not ready. Yeah. Look at this. You know what? 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I'm just gonna say names. But like Casey Rockets and. - Ari Davis. - Yeah. - Ari Maddy. - And Ari Maddy. And these are the hottest names. And who's the guy that his wife punched? - No Breaks. - Timmy No Breaks. And they're like, "These are the guys." And then you say to those guys, "This is the guy." - No breaks. - Timmy, no breaks. And they're like, these are the guys. kids that like them and those are my daughter's friends my daughter's friends are like so one of them came backstage one time i was in an arena in hartford and he's like you know what you got to do you got to get on kill tony wow it's like i've been i've been on kill tony and he's like no as a performer because that was like i was like i am fucking six netflix special yeah he's like yeah but no one watches that they watch kill tony and then i said to him there was a guy with blonde hair i won't say his name to light him up but he does a mitch headberg impression and i said are you familiar with mitch headberg and he goes no i don't care about that guy i like the other guy so like he doesn't even know the guy that was the originator but when when i look at comics and they don't know the people before them i get frustrated but then even i was late to red johnny and the round guy and from what i've heard and i never saw them live no one followed them they had to close the show they've always i mean you're talking the best comics in the country red johnny and the round guy would just go up and destroy and you know who uh john dimaggio is the voice of bender from futurama really he does a lot of voices oh wait what kind of name is my red john this is two people red johnny and the round guy who's the round guy i think that was uh the other guy i forget his name oh it was two guys okay yeah yeah yeah it was a two-man act but they were you know what uh jim brewer was going oh yeah jim brewer had a crowd yeah jim brewer was so specific he go i want to show you impression of a dog taking a shit and he took his hands up and he would just back it up it was so like he was so i you can't and then i i can only assume you get to a certain point when you figured it out for someone like jim yeah but you want to talk about new stuff or you want to challenge your stuff and like you know his wife went through a bunch of stuff and he's a dad and so but like his young stuff was like i'm really unfollowable especially you go to a college oh yeah he had the big booze bit about the drinking yeah he was there but everybody was there was killers and you had to you had to go you know one time i was on dave chappelle and um tony woods was sitting next to each other yeah so i said i'm gonna show these guys how it's not so i can all say i'm putting all my energy into it ah and when i start to breathe dave's jackass said this guy ain't even listening to the audience whoa and i like i couldn't get mad at him because he was right i just wanted to kill right i'm like damn that nigga ain't even listening to the audience those i mean those like i i you know i feel like those are my favorite days in comedy especially the chappelle ones because like this is way before chappelle was who he is sure i remember two incidents with dave chappelle very specific one was chappelle does this joke and this white guy like investment broker guy third row back on the right side stage right third row back sam and he goes he goes uh that's chris rock's bit oh chappelle's like wait what he goes that's chris rock's bit i saw him do it and he goes where did you see chris rock do this bit and he goes on comedy central chappelle's like chris rock's never been on comedy central he goes no no i saw him do it on comedy central and dave chappelle goes bitch that was me you racist motherfucker and the guy goes oh wait that was you my bad my bad that's great oh those god damn wow young chappelle is crazy young chappelle was like young material can i be real can i be real young chappelle got a lot of hate really yeah no i hate him but we would always say man he's bombing but i'm like how does he get all these doggone deals right he bombs at the boston but he was working it out ah you know he's working out stuff and then i went to montreal to see him this is a good story and that's when it's like oh shit you saw the finished product yeah he did he did at that montreal he did three separate 30 minute chunks and he got everyone this is back when they would be like yo get in a plane and get the fuck out of here yeah too many people want deals for you him and mitch headberg and that from what i heard that montreal they put them on fucking planes and go leave you can only fuck this up what year are we talking i think 1995 96 93 oh damn you guys are old yeah 94 holy shit but he um that i'm that i've seen that this guy is playing around with whatever but when it comes down to it he's a big game guy yes yes when it's time to put up he puts up he delivers he does he delivers all the time when it's time to do that i'm like ah and i'm older than him like i'm learning from this guy right and i hate that i hate that i hate that i hate that i hate him like you young whippersnapper yeah i'm sitting with chapelle at his house in yellow springs and whenever a couple years ago maybe and i'm and you i have the moment where you realize you know you're you know you're with chapelle and i said we've been just partying and bullshit and talking about wives and you know life and then at one point i'm like i'm getting ready to shoot my special i go dave i gotta i gotta tell you man i'd be remiss if i didn't like talk to you about shooting a special in your approach he was like oh yeah yeah and so i go like what when you shoot a special like how do you go about it what what's your mindset like when you like do you how do you and he goes all right and he starts breaking down how he shoots a special really brilliant he goes but man you got a lot of time how old are you bird i said 53 he goes me too and i went oh fuck he's my age i'm fucking looking at him like he's the goat he's my fucking age yeah there's that weird moment where a guy passes you like that yeah well man you made me and piss off well dude how old are you game 78 wow look at gillis gillis has only been doing stand for like 12 years that's crazy when you look at shane you go i think i could be wrong how long shame 12 years maybe 15 maybe maybe i'll be long in that i don't think so it's infuriating if it's only 12 years and he's already pissed off america twice that's pretty good for 12 years that's really good when you think about it i'll take that fucking track record yeah he's uh he hasn't been doing it as long as dane had when dane popped whoa okay so the only thing you can really compare shane to is dane right that's the only comparison we can put because no one had that moment where the world talks about him right dane yeah that was huge i was in college when dane was popping so i saw the whole thing i was there for all of it oh my success give me more wine me too that's what i'm talking about i heard he got a lot of hate too because he was the big act you know everybody was like hey we right here we don't do that act out shit i know that's what i heard yeah he did i know all the guys who did it oh my god they were bullies dane was you know i gotta tell you though and you know i'll say this about anyone that succeeds in comedy you can always pick things apart about them yeah you can always find something to pick apart but dane was was really funny like she's really attentive great days were kill he would murder but he was murdering at a time i key only keith can remember this i feel like i was very lucky that i got to enter comedy at a moment when not everyone murdered yeah like when i first started in 1996 97 98 you go up and like people would bomb but they were because they were working on stuff like chapelle and louis and keith and fuck keep on more but like but like come on man i'm sure yeah but but the truth is like dane never bombed whoa never fucking he was you didn't depend on him killing wow like red johnny the wild guy jim roar and um dane killers yeah sure damn killers and this is before social media it was all in the right so you had to wait till like a talent scout showed up like how the hell did you get on tv now that well what happened in like in the 90s was a woman rufa and seconda ruth and seconda i haven't heard that name in 20 years she got joe rogan yeah yeah got him a deal whoa um everybody she had everybody she even got me a deal damn you know she was miraculous scraping the barrel that kind of hurt i'm joking there i requested you you're a man you're damn right no but it's like i like well i i started comedy in 1984. wow good book that's incredible you started in 84. yeah 84. whoa so you saw everybody yes seinfeld and all those yes the funniest comic i've seen come through at the comedy works in philadelphia with jay leno i never seen nobody funny look at that yeah that guy 'Cause I'm like, "Ah, this is a white guy, he ain't going to do what he's going to do." Actually, you know, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, you know, whatever. And George Carlin, actually. There you go. But I've seen Jay Leno go on at the Comedy Works. I said, boy, he's going to bomb. Yeah. He destroyed it so hard. I'm like, holy shit. This guy's fucking brilliant. Whoa. He's one of the funniest guys I've seen back then. Yeah. Where the hell's his special? We got no material on this guy. We have no footage of Leno. Oh. Give me some footage. All I hear are how great he is. I'm like, let me see it. Yeah, and I know in the 80s, there was nobody funny. Wow. The only guy who may have been super funny in the 80s was Sinbad. Sinbad's amazing. Dude, Sinbad was fucking monstrous. I love Sinbad. My dumb ass, like it was 88, he was opening up for Anita Baker. And Luther Vandross. Wow. So I'm saying, I'm like, I'm telling my girlfriend, I'm like, yeah, he stinks. He's one of those star-soaked comics. Right. And I realize I'm going to be on star-soaked years later. But I'm like, he's one of those star-soaked comics. He stinks. Yeah, and he was clean. He got on that stage, me and my girlfriend was laughing so hard. She said, I thought you said he wasn't funny. I know. Damn. Sinbad's had a stroke. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Yeah, Sinbad. That's how we all go, man. Yeah, Sinbad, I had two. I think Sinbad may have two. Jamie Foxx had a Hollywood stroke. Oh, yeah. Martin had one. They're like credits now. I got two. But Jamie didn't have, you know. Yeah, he had something. He had something. He had one of those ablations. Yeah. Do it right now, Jamie. He's like, I was in the hospital for a week. No, but like Martin. Martin had one, right? Martin had one. Martin had one. But he said he didn't. And I'd seen him backstage and I was like, well, why do you sound like me? If you didn't have the stroke. Yeah. Well, the thing is, it's like, I don't know. I always thought it was like, I love that you shared all the stuff you did about your stroke. The number one thing that, like, look, you know how you're going to die. Your parents either have cancer or they have heart disease or a stroke. So you know how you're going to go out. So you can get in front of that. And when you had a stroke. When. Therese had a stroke was right when I got a cardiologist. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. And then I got a cardiologist and he was like, yo, you have zero blockage, but you have high cholesterol and high blood pressure. You're on the path. So I got on all medications to take care of that. And so, but like, but, but also there's like, the thing I loved is the Viagra story. Cause you have people tell you in society, like, don't worry about this. Don't worry about this. Take that. But you guys, you should see a doctor about all that. I got to get health insurance. I don't even have that. Not yet. You don't have health insurance? No. I tried to sign up. It was too, too annoying. So I just gave up. You gave up on it? But I'll figure it out. I got health insurance because I need it. Yeah. You know, but, um, what I hate is those internet, TikTok, Instagram donkeys. Oh yeah. You know what I'm telling you? You got foam, foaming piss. Yeah. I've had foaming piss since I was 14. What the hell is that? I've seen a pattern here with the strokes though. It's a lot of black comics. I'm serious. I mean, is it, is it the diet? It's Patrice. It's Martin. It's you. It's Sinbad. Uh, Jamie Foxx. Okay. Um. Where's the white strokes? No. That's a ban. I think Drew Barry married one. Yeah. We got a couple of, um. And the diabetes, by the way. How does Kevin Brown not have a stroke? I don't have diabetes, damn it. All right. I hate when they say you're pre-diabetic. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Everyone's pre-diabetic. Yeah. If you want to, you know. That's all I want to know. I'm being kind of gay. Kind of gay, yeah. We're on the spectrum. I'm either gay or I'm not gay. What are we talking about? Yes. I hate that pre-diabetic. Fuck you. How about this one? They go, everybody's a little racist. I'm like, well, I'm a lot. Come on. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Everybody's a little gay. You always hear that one. A little gay. A little something. We're all on the spectrum. The autism spectrum. But it's a spectrum. Everybody's on the big spectrum. I'm not on the spectrum. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I deny. I deny that autism. Fuck that. There was a black comic one time that went up in front of me. I don't know why I'm telling this story. In front of me in LA. And he was like, he was hacky. And he was like, man, now all these white kids got ADD. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, that's a thing. You know no black kids got no ADD? Your mama smack that shit out of you. ADD, dyslexia. I had just gotten diagnosed with dyslexia. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He was like, dyslexia ain't real. Ain't no black people got no dyslexia. Am I right? Am I right? Drop some mic. And so then I go up on stage. And I was like, hey, I want to make just one footnote in your act. I go, black children do get dyslexia. But you guys drop out of school so early. We don't have time to catch it. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And it did not go over well. Oh. Oh. But that's the best part of comedy is remember the days when it didn't go over well? Sure. Like, it's like, right now, it's like, the outrage is online. Yeah. The outrage used to be in the club. Of course. Yeah, like, ah. Face to face. Guys, I just started buying gold. And I got to tell you, it's completely changed my life. I used to waste my money on stupid shit. Boats. Booze. My daughter's education. Now, Acre Gold, real gold, delivered to my house like Amazon. But for people preparing to overthrow a small government, I've got gold in my freezer. I've got gold in my underwear. I swallowed a gram of gold yesterday. Just to see if my body would appreciate it in value. My wife thinks I'm having a midlife crisis, but I'm not. Man, I'm a fucking central bank. And the best part, Acre Gold makes it ridiculously easy to start owning real gold. You don't have to be rich. You don't have to know anything about investing. You just have to want something that's actually worth something. Acre Gold, real gold, real easy. Getacregold.com. Now, if you go, excuse me. I have to go shit out my retirement. The internet sucks dick. It sucks. It's a bummer. We make our living off of it, but goddammit, it sucks. Yeah. Well, you know what Bill Burr put it well. He's like, you're taking comedy out of a club or a theater and putting it in front of some lady at work. So it's going to stand out. It's like putting a stripper at the mall. You know? It's not supposed to be there. You took it out and put it somewhere else. Let comedy stay where it's at. Let comedy be comedy. It got too popular. Stop with all the bullshit. What are you doing? How are you doing? Are you broke? No. Okay. I heard you almost turned this down because it didn't pay. It doesn't pay. Whoa, wait. We get to eat. Yeah. That's just like a black comedy club. No, those pay well, actually. Did you eat? When does, Ari pays for podcasts, doesn't he? That's true. Well, that Jew moved to London. Do we have butter in here? Do any podcasts pay people? I mean, it does make sense you should pay people. Yeah, Joe will fly in sometimes. That's nice. Joe will fly in. Not me. Ah, you got to do Rogan. If I'm not on Rogan in four months, fuck Rogan. Oh, you'll be dead by then. Come on, who are we kidding? But yeah, we'll get you on there. I better be on in four months or so. I'll fuck Rogan forever. Would you fly to Texas? No, I can't afford it. I can't afford it. You can't afford it. I'll buy you a ticket. I think, you know, what you should do is fly to Rogan. Rogan's really up about cholesterol medicine and blood pressure medicine. It's like a big thing in his. Are you on any meds right now? Yes. What are you on? Metropolar. Blood thinner? Nefetapine, no. I'm on blood thinner. Which one? Cholodropin. Cholodropin? No. Cholodropin. Cholodropin. Okay. Because I got stents. Ooh. Did I say it right? Stents. Yeah. Three. Like Colin had three. I got three stents. Yeah. So I had the blood clot in my leg that traveled to my lung. And it went through my heart. They showed me the scar in my heart where the blood clot went through. Oh, shit. Dude. You know what's so funny? I remember when I heard about Seth McFarland missing the 9-11 flight. You ever hear that? Yes. Yeah. He was hungover. And they were like, wow, can you believe that? And he was like, yeah, well, I slept in a lot. And they're like, yeah, but you didn't like. Isn't that crazy? And he was like, yeah, but I missed a lot of flights. Yeah. And he couldn't qualify like that. And I, when I was in there, they were like, you know, it's a 5% survival rate. 95% of the people that get a blood clot in their lung die. Whoa. And I was sitting there and they told me that. And then Leanne was like so floored by it. But I was also like, yeah, but I'm still here. Right. So like, I can't really, I go, no, that sounds scary, but I'm not dead yet. Yeah. And then, and I didn't, I couldn't qualify any of the like, they were saying the majority of conversations when you tell someone they have a blood clot in their lung, go like this. So you have a blood clot in the lung and they're like, I'm having a hard time breathing. And then they just die. Whoa. I was, yeah, I know. Well, it showed up later. I like the, the, the trauma of that. Yeah. Yeah. up one day where I couldn't remember how to yawn, but yeah. Yikes. God damn it. They almost lost him. How many strokes do you want to have? Oh, this is turning out. I want to break the record. Whatever the record is, can somebody find out what the record is? Yeah, get the stroke record. But you can't have Viagra now. Those days are over. And they got a pop bag with, like, vitamin D. Living on the edge, man. He's freediving with great white sharks. You think he'd get to talking about a snorkel? I love when I come up with a great analogy. A little more red wine, Keith? Yeah, give me another one. I hear it's good for your heart. It is. It's good for my stroke. Sure, I'll take another one. It's about 9,000 degrees in here. I know, I know. The AC is working great. So, Stace, these are good. Yep. I'm going to go for this. So we probably should maybe remove one of these so you have room on this small studio. Yes, yes. Should we put it in the oven? Yeah. Just put it in the oven as is? Yeah, just let it sit in there. Oh, yeah. Is that fish down there? So I'm going to do a blackened salmon with blackened shrimp. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then corn succotash and a potato remoulade. Wow. Remoulade. Yeah. I think I said the word right. Not bad. We got a blackened salmon, blackened shrimp, blackened comedian. Wow. Oh, gosh. Sorry. I'm going to sell that to Patrice. Did you ever meet Patrice, Mark? I met him once, and I kept my distance, because I did not want to poke the bear. I watched him yell at a hipster comic with glasses, and he was like, man, get your ass out of here, or whatever. And I was like, oh, and I ran the other way. You think-- here's my question. I'm going to name comics. We're going to have to edit this out a lot of it. I'm going to name comics, and you tell me if Patrice would have liked him or disliked him. Oh, god. OK? I'll tell you on the real. Yeah, yeah, OK. OK, even better. All right, we'll start very minimal. Joe List. Liked him. I think he would like him. I think he would love him. Because he's genuine, at least. Yeah. Tom Segura. He probably would have messed with him a little bit. And Tom would not have pushed back well. He probably would have messed with him. Because he messed with Gaffigan. Oh, really? Really? You know what? You may have to edit this out. He called him Jim. Oh, I nailed it. Just bleep that out. That's great. That's great. He called Jim the. That's a good line. Well, my favorite is what he called Eddie Ift. What? Because Eddie. That is so simple and great. All right, Shane Gillis. Loved him. You think you would have loved him? Yeah. I think they would have fought so often that they turned into a team. Interesting. Because they're the same bully. Yeah. They're the same bully. He would have loved Shane. Yeah. He loved Kurt. Oh, really? Oh, that's right. Yeah, he loved Kurt. Loved Kurt. Loved Big Jay. Loved Kev. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. He liked Rogan, too, I think. Yeah, yeah. He loved Dane. He loved Dane. Oh, really? He loved Dane. He was like, dude, Dane is exactly what he tells you he is. He wants to be a movie star. He wants to be a big star out there. He goes, how can you disrespect someone who tells you what they want? Yeah. He was hot and cold, but you never could tell. With me, he did not like me at first and told me that. I don't like it. What was the reason? So we did-- yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm white. My dad was a lawyer. I moved here. And within fucking like-- within six months, I'm working the door. And then all of a sudden, I have a development deal. And then I'm going back and forth. And that's all the things that Patrice hated. But at least it's not personal. No, no, no. It gets personal. And then we went to Scotland with Lewis Schaefer. Remember Lewis Schaefer? We went to Australia with Lewis Schaefer. Yeah, I went to Scotland with Lewis Schaefer. Oh, he's the worst. I love Lewis, but he's the worst. Yeah, and so he goes, Patrice said to me at the very end of the trip-- we spent 29 days together, me, Ben Bailey, Rich Voss, and Lewis Schaefer, and Patrice. And I said to Patrice, having breakfast one morning, he's eating blood sausage, blood pudding, and he's eating it with his fingers in ketchup. And I'm 27 maybe. And I go, I'm so glad we got to become friends. And he just stopped and went, bitch, I'm not your friend. Wow. We're two people that work together. And he was like, just don't get it confused that we're friends. We work together, and we don't mind being around each other. But we're not friends. Wow. And I was like, OK. And he's like, don't get your fucking feelings hurt. And he's like, I'm just being honest with you, and if you want to be honest, this is what honesty feels like. I'm not your fucking friend. And I was like, OK. And then I left Scotland. I got a TV show. He came out to do a Showtime special. Four guys did a Showtime special. Gary Goldman. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I went out to watch him. And he came out, and he said, why are you here? And I said, I'm your friend. And he got Patrice emotional. And he was like, you are my fucking friend. And then one of the last things I ever got from him was a congratulations. For being on the Travel Channel was stupid. But it meant a lot to me, because I love Patrice. I did love Patrice. But I just-- when I met Shane Gillis the first time-- actually, when Shane got successful, I started seeing hints of Patrice in him for real. I remember Leigh-Anne punched him in the chest one time. And I was like, oh, he's-- oh, you're not comfortable with a little bit of bully. A little bit of bully is kind of fun in the comedy world. Sure. It's the best. You got to have him. Yeah, yeah. Who else? Name another comic that-- where you wonder. Sam Morrill. He was not like him at first. But when he got deeper into the whole thing, he was-- he would love him. Well, they both didn't know their dads. So I think he'd like them on that. You know Patrice's dad's story, right? No. I mean, I don't know. Edit it out. You tell me if I'm telling too much. But his dad lived like a block away. Whoa. His dad raised other kids that Patrice knew. Holy moly. That'll fuck you up. I mean, maybe I should-- I mean, like, obviously, I mean, I guess, whatever, he is dead. His mom's name was Georgia. That's my oldest daughter's. Hey, look at that. Georgia, your old name. Yeah, and so, yeah, Patrice always had-- so I think him and Sam would have connected on the dad thing. Yeah. No, they would have connected on the material thing. What about-- what about the more-- the more industrial comics, the more comics that are more like, you know, podcast heavy, social media. Like a Theo Vaughn. Like Theo Vaughn. How would Patrice think-- what do you think he would-- I think-- I don't know. I don't think he would like him. I don't think the voice, the hair, I think he would get annoyed by that. And I like Theo, but-- I don't know too much about that one. Let me tell you two key things that you got me at the cellar. You said he was mean to you in the early days. Me? Yeah. Yeah. Now, here's two that stuck with me. One, my audition night. I'm terrified. But this is what you guys do. You see through everybody, because we try to fake shit. My audition night, I'm trying to act cool. You know, it's like 11:30 on a Saturday night. Norton's there, you're there, Colin's there, whatever. And you go, look at him. Look how scared he is. And I was like, shit. I thought I was hiding it. Like, I thought I was looking cool. And that got in my head. And then you brought me up the next night. I got passed, thank god. Or two nights later, I came back. And you brought me up, and you guys-- you go, guys, we're in for-- you're hosting. You go, you're in for a treat. This next comic, go nuts. Jerry Seinfeld. And the crowd went, oh, my god. And you go, I'm just kidding. It's some nobody. And I think you said Mike Norman. And I was bummed, because I had to dig out. They were-- they saw me, and they went, ugh. We thought we were seeing Jerry. This episode is sponsored by Rowe. When it comes to GLP-1s, most people don't actually know what their cost could be. They just assume it's expensive. 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Non-withdrawable rewards issued as $50 click to claims every seven days for 21 days. Terms at dkng.co slash offer. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on sportsbook predictions and free-to-play sports contest availability varies by state. So you, what do you think he would like Theo? I don't know. I don't know. Theo's sweet, but I'll tell you where, I'll tell you where Patrice would have bumped is that Theo is on road rules. You think that would bug him that much? Do you think Theo would, do you think Patrice would like Steve-O? No. Okay. So like in Patrice's book of the way the world world works. Right. Theo and Steve-O are the same thing. Got it. I think as he got older and he got He would like, he would like Theo now. Now, yeah. Now that Theo's gotten some success, but he would have been rough on Theo. He would have been really rough. He was rough on Queen Amine. What's her name? Oh, Lampanelli. Lampanelli. He was rough on, everyone was rough on Lampanelli. Everyone. You know, I think when she quit comedy, I was like, why did you quit? And I was like, oh, I know why she quit. Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee. He's hard to take for anyone. The answer is no. The answer is no. I think the answer is no, because Bobby's a lot with anxiety and stuff and Patrice isn't that. Right. Yeah. But he probably, Bobby's been doing comedy for a while. Oh yeah. He's been doing comedy for a while. Patrice's whole thing was about earn your stripes, be a good comic. That was it. Don't cheat. Don't cheat. If I see you doing a cheat on stage, I'm going to call you on it. Like I brought a piece of paper on stage with me and I put it on the thing. And then I got off stage and Patrice goes, oh, let me see what you wrote. And I showed it to him and he ripped it and he goes, there you go. I was like, I have another show tonight. And he was like, yeah, don't do this. Wow. But that's what we did. We ripped stuff up. Patrice, what did he get? One guy had his head shot. His head shot? His head shots. Oh, head shots. Sorry, sorry. My stroke. Sorry. But he said, let me see that for a minute. Oh, no. Do you know who Patrice tore his head shots off? Oh, those weren't cheap either. Do you know who Patrice was brutal to? Fucking Ollie G. Really? Sacha Baron Cohen? He met him in the street and couldn't figure it out. He was like, what's up, Gov? Why not? Might? La, la, la, la, la, la. And Patrice was like, are you trying to act like me? He broke him down because he was barking in front of a theater trying to get in people. Oh, yeah. And him and Russell Peters sat off to the side like, what the fuck is this mockery? You know who Patrice would fucking hate? Rick Glassman. I don't know if you know Rick Glassman. He's an LA guy, but Patrice would hate that dude. Yes, he absolutely would. He's a funny guy, but he's funny. He's on the spectrum. It's ironic. It's a lot of like, I'm in control, which Patrice wouldn't have liked. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what about Schultz? Schultz idolizes Patrice. That's a good question. I think they're, well, they're not both viewers. All right, what about Michael Che? Oh, Che's a big Schultz fan. Big fan. They would love Che. Sounds like he's a lot nicer than people make him out to be. Maybe I'm nicer than I am. No, you're nice. You're very nice. Who do you hate? Mark Norman. Oh, my God. This is going to be good. It better be good. I know. Waking up our conversation for him and stare at some food. It better be fucking good. This is going to be so fucking good. Oh, mama. Oh. Where's the steak at? Buddy, it's heart healthy. We're doing shrimp. Heart healthy? Fuck that. I'm a man. I'm a man. What are you, Elliot Page? You keep saying that. Mark, so what's it like having sex with you? Oh, it's not great. But no, like, can you really? Because I can't turn it off in, like, my brain, obviously. But you are notorious for, like, you are always on. Uh-huh. Like, what does Mae say when she's like, yo, is there a moment with your kids or, like, that you're, like, I'm always fascinated by that. Well, I think the sex stuff, I think I would do bits early on, and she was like, you got to cut that out. Like, I'd be like, loose lips, six ships, you know, whatever. And while I'm eating her out. But I think she likes being insulted in the bedroom. So I could just do that. You had a joke about this. Yes, yes. So, you know. Well, apparently, I didn't know that the insults had to be sexy. She wanted me to call her a slut and a bitch and a dumb whore. Basically just do Shane's set. But I was like, oh, you retard. You fat Jew. So I fucked it all up. I was like, you can't drive, you skank. If this was Sharia law, I'd beat you. That's a good mom, Donnie. But, yeah. I knew nothing. I knew nothing about mom, Donnie. I don't really either, actually. I'm just literally like, as people talk to him, I go, yeah, sure. Yeah, you do me? Yeah, he's in hot water right now. What came first? What came first? Your cadence or the act? Because I only know you. I only know this. I don't know anything. And even when my girls do an impression of you. What? They do? Oh, they do. You and Shane. Oh, no. I think that's who they were. Georgia, really. Not Isla. But Georgia. Georgia, my oldest. We used to do this tour called Fully Loaded at Summers. It was amazing. Great time. But what's crazy is my daughters gravitated to the dirtiest comics were their favorite. He's not that dirty. I can be. No, but he's a joke writer, number one. Him, Sam, Shane, Salvo Cano, Big Jay Oakerson, Dave Attell are their favorite comics. And my daughters, every now and then, will be like, hey. And it's an impression of Mark. But I always wonder, like, we do that. The other person that happens to is Ian Bagg. Oh. Ian Bagg is like, there's an impression of Ian Bagg that is Ian Bagg. And then you go, all right. Okay. Yeah. Everyone's going to get it. Let's go. Here, here, here. Wait. Do you notice that, Mark? Do you ever think about that? No. I mean, it's just in there. It's ingrained. I don't know. The cement is dry. Boy, you're like that in school. Elementary. Yes. Yes. Big time. I was a mess in school. Really? I was at a kindergarten. All that shit. Mark Norman. Oh. Oh, yeah. School was bad. Mark Norman. Well, he lived in a trans black neighborhood. No, no, no. I lived in a black neighborhood with a trans nanny. That's it. Yeah. You had a trans nanny? I had a transvestite back then. It was a drag queen. It was my nanny. Full wig, boa, heels. Yeah, it was a crazy upbringing. Why would your mom give you a black tranny? Because my parents are the most bleeding heart liberals on the planet, so they hired the first guy. The first guy who applied, because they needed a nanny, and it was this guy, Enos. I learned how to be a man by a guy in a wig and high heels, and now I can't get hardless. I see a picture of RuPaul. So, I'm all screwed up. I'll make you a bib and show you how to drive a stick. He was tough as shit, though, because he was like a poor black guy who was dressed as a woman, so he fought everybody. Yeah, well, it's the same. And they're about to fight you. I'm still a man. Right, right. Exactly. Keith, where in Philly did you grow up? South Philly. Oh. South Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playgrounds is where I spent most of my days. No, that's West Philly. That's West Philly, okay. I thought South Philly was Italian. South Philly is black, Italian, Irish, and a smattering of Jews. Got it, got it. We, we know. Is there tension? Yes, in the 70s it was like the biggest, biggest race riots of all time. Whoa. They had a day in Philadelphia they called Killer N***a Day. Mmm. And we didn't even get a day off. He didn't get a day off. Wait, they had what? Killer N***a Day. We had that in the South. Oh, Jesus. It was more than a day. But that was a real day. For real? In South Philly, yeah. Whoa. Jesus. And you got out. You made it. I got two strokes. That's true. Two strokes. Wait, um, wait, can I ask you, can I, can I ask you, because I feel like, you know, the only way to get, hang on. It's funny, when you have a day like that, you're not really upset about the word whore in a stand-up show, you know what I mean? Exactly. When you have real problems. Real shit. Killer N***a Day is worse than any whore. What is crazy is like. This model. This model is turned into something where it's like how to get clicks, right? Totally. And clearly the way to get clicks is Kevin Hart. You are the reason Kevin Hart's famous. We've said that here. It's true. Kevin Hart would not be famous without Keith Robinson. That is, everyone needs to know that first and foremost. He owes me money. Tell me, tell me the story of meeting young Kev. Yes. Oh, young Kev. Well, me and young Kev had to meet young Jay first. Jay Oakerson. Really? So they were at Open Mic. Jay is on there. He goes on stage. And the next thing I know, he's stripped down to his drawers. I've seen this bit. I've seen the video. It's a bummer. And he lifts his hand up and everybody have flaws. I'm like, oh my God, what is this guy doing? I know. But he was still funny. Sure. Even with that. So I said, hey man, you got to come to New York. Right? You got to lose that strip. That stripper shit. Yeah. And I seen Kev. He thought he was doing it with his energy. Yeah. You know. And I said, you got to come to New York. Well, Kev was a ball of energy. Jay was big dumb Jay. Yeah, yeah. You know. Kev was a ball of fucking energy. I think that's the thing people don't understand. It's like, he didn't have great jokes at the time. It was like, I'm little. I can't fight anyone. My girl got into a fight one day. This is what it looked like. Like, it wasn't great jokes. But God damn it. He was charismatic as fuck. Right, right. Charismatic. Charismatic. That's it. That's the word. Charismatic. It was like when magic meets my fucking soft left hand. That's your other sister. Wait. Wait. Can I ask you, let me make sure that I'm clear for this viral clip. It's about to go viral. Oh, baby. Rumors are Kevin Hart has a big dick. Can you confirm or deny that? Well, one time in, um, where I don't, you know, Carrie Caravans, you know, Carrie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she said, I don't blame, let me see how big it is. Come on. She took him to the bathroom. He said, oh my God. Whoa. It's different colors. Dick is diverse. That's the content I want going out about me. Jesus. Jesus. That's like a college brochure. A college brochure. Different colors. That's hilarious. Yeah. She had to see it. Are we talking limp? Nah. Well, man. You worked it up. Yeah, maybe. Wow. Carrie's parents owned all the Greek restaurants in New York. Yes. Oh. Well, yeah, she, you know, like, oh my God. Do you want to clean one of these? Oh, this is what I wanted to make. Oh. takes barely one color damn yeah Carrie Carabas I haven't heard that name Keith in fucking forever that's hot as shit yeah so she confirmed it for everybody there you go Cab's got a big one guys Kevin Hart is a big dick my name is Bert Kreischer I'm on the Permission to Party world tour come see me at BertBertBert.com Mark are you on tour right now? yes sir MarkNormanComedy.com come out I've got a new theater tour popping off next year I don't know when this comes out and you've got two kids now? well one on the way we counted as two one on the way yeah the wife's preggo I know it ought to be one on the way oh yeah I get it he's had a stroke he's not retarded yeah he's pregnant what the fuck Viagra years worked I guess you got her what's the hardest part about having a stroke? like what's the one part where you're like I'll tell you what man everything sucks mobility sucks or whatever but you know what I really miss is dot dot dot like I just man when I first had my stroke you could not hold your urine so I'd be like ah really I peed myself like 12 times oh man I do that I do that maybe more maybe more but you can't you know it's like that's the hardest part yeah okay who is the like and we can keep this or edit this out but out of all your huge celebrity friends and you have a list of like crazy the best celebrity friends ever who's the best? who's the best? like to you like that goes talks to you the most catches up with you you go oh yeah Wanda Wanda Wanda wow fucking Wanda yeah but you tell some pretty irreverent jokes she seems you watch her on the Oscars she's pretty yeah well we argue we were friends to argue about that oh that's nice that's what you're supposed to do you know we're friends I love that fucking I love Wanda yeah I've never met her you know we were roommates yeah first before when Wanda moved out Patrice moved in Wanda lived in the kitchen? she lived yeah we wow she was married back then uh huh Wanda Sykes Hall yes you remember HBO executives yes whoa no there's another one for you thank you I think we might need no we're good right yeah alright guys Kevin's like my little brother yeah yeah Wanda's like my sister there you go yeah sucks when you we're the same age and all that I tried to you know date Wanda I would I would in 87 88 back in the day when she was straight yeah she said well Keith if I dated you I would cheat on you it hurt so bad I would say what's this about me that you would cheat yeah you know like who said that well she wanted some pussy Mark you wanna try it tell me what you think yeah I'll start with the salmon it's good man I can tell fish first I'll start with the salmon I'm gonna start with this corn incredible oh yeah mmm we have it good could use a little hot sauce it could hot sauce do we have hot sauce oh hell yeah what do we have Louisiana perfect yeah this is is this the best hot sauce Crystal Crystal that's what I grew up with it's the best hot sauce out there oh yeah I put it on everything you know what you you're a great man yes I appreciate you guys doing this I know that it's like you know it's so funny when we were early and young in this business to get to do a podcast was like a was like a favor you know and now it's the opposite like going yeah and you're like hey would you do my podcast you're like you know I've been taking time off I'm trying not to do the first person I ever heard say that was Schumer really I hit her up and we're talking like the girls were babies and I was like hey I'm doing a podcast she's like I'm trying to not do as much press wow and I was like okay I didn't know we could do that and she was like do you want to do a hike or something and hang out and I was like I'm cool ah a hike that's my buddy too Amy yeah I haven't talked to her in forever she actually texted me the other day for real yeah yeah you weren't on tour back in the day yeah she she really helped me out she's she got I think she got a bad rap yeah but also I understand like it's the same thing it's like you piss off the wrong people yep she had O&A fans yeah and then she said like I believe in feminism which is you know every woman should and then she said like and they were like I thought you were one of us uh-huh I think that's how that went down I could be wrong yeah it's just political stuff I can't wait to find out who I pissed off I can I remember the day we were sitting at we were sitting at fully loaded and we were in at the gorge yeah and we had to slip inside and you came up to me casually and you're like man a lot of negative comments about you Bert and I was like for real like oh god really bad and I was like what did I do and I was like and you're like, I don't know. And then I just was like, kept moving forward. - Yeah. figured out while it's happening and then you're like I guess I'm just pissed off the wrong group well you got so big once you're that big you're gonna piss off somebody I think that's it I mean yeah you gotta piss off me who'd you rather piss off all right think about this I pissed off everybody yeah and the one that I felt dumbest about was like 90 91 I passed the store and I wanted to tell talk to Mitzi I'm like hey when do you know she's like get the fuck out my face whoa and I like who you talking to bitch for real and I'm like now even to the day I'm like what the fuck was that dog every fight it's not a good fight uh-huh no and as we know but I it took me up to now to realize that but I hated the fact that I said that to her yeah yeah that's pretty harsh get the fuck out of my face I know but it's still I still know well I said to Tom the other day I go cuz you know he's getting a lot of negativity online and he goes you got to ignore it some of them are so blazingly like callously like irresponsible yeah that i want to stand up for him right like that's not what's happening but i can't because it's his fight right right and then i said to him i go at what point do you start swatting at bees like if it's one bee if it's a couple comments you're like fine but if it's your comments and you're saying it again it's almost like it's almost benefits you to never look online ever i know i just thought my that's not my reality my reality is the people i talk to totally that's like reading the comments of a show you're on oh yeah yeah and that'll kill you one time i end up reading the comments and i crawled from the air from the computer i i was so bad really i was crawling wow this shit hurts it hurts it hurts oh they used to when i was on my first tv show in 1999 they would print all the emails that you received and leave them on your door and there were 250 and this is like back at the very beginning of the internet and chat threads yeah but but no one was reading like and they would print them and there'd be easily 250 a day wow and i would be like why are you printing these for me i don't want to see them yeah yeah it's like well they're in your inbox you should read them jesus you know it was just no one like me the original version was comment cards you ever get a comment card after oh man that was never good the worst is when a manager called you into the thing yeah card to you yes i mean like bring back yakov shmirnoff this guy sucks you're like ah jeez fuck me my question is everyone says they're comedy fans when did comedy fans try to cancel comedians i know that's the thing that bothers me as i go it was us against them yeah well once we put them in charge the internet put them in charge yeah i got booed at the apollo and it's still it still hurts i couldn't handle that oh my god that's tough i got booed at the apollo 91 whoa shop rock now everybody was there mike tyson oh my god l-o-q-j heavy d big daddy kane whoa all these guys in the order people bryson i was people bryson and i think faze on faze on has been there every time i bomb uh he must have like transport himself he was bombing yeah phase i love and i love him phase on because i wanted to you know i wanted to make him laugh and but every time i bombed he was there when you bomb at the apollo or something like that everything slows down yeah and you could see everybody in the audience so i've seen lm oh my god i've seen tyson snarling i've seen heavy d like damn everybody i can see i'm like oh man but i couldn't stop when i bomb i get angry i don't care who i'll fight anybody yeah it's always seen tyson so what yeah i would say i ain't going nowhere put me out get me out of here and all that but i and i went downstairs like backstage so i'll go to l.l and try to explain nothing worse and try to explain to l.l why you bombed oh my god wow all right yeah you know i didn't think this joke he's just looking like this oh my god oh my god i said you bombed in the phil i guess oh man but you know that bomb like when you bomb like that it's like a police record you can't get it expunged yes because they can always show every now and again somebody sent it to me oh it's televised you can see it i didn't want it i have i don't know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about of course that bad thing hurt to the day wow it was when i was right in the midst of the hood 1990 i'm still on my hood everybody's seen apollo dude so i'm walking down the street keep you you bomb you stink my mom always tried to cut this guy's throat for saying that he said you you stink my mom whipped that word blade out and she's still my mom yeah yeah you know she's ready to shoot him or stab him whatever holy shit but that's how much how much it hurt god and then when somebody shows send it to me and i i'm like oh no i still like it messes with my mind oh right i have no video of me bombing i've destroyed all of them really yeah i can't get rid of apollo one yeah oh that's fucking brilliant oh my god it's that's fucking brilliant i get it probably keeps you i tell you what i can imagine a humble day where i just wake up and i go that's it we're just gonna watch this all day take nyquil and go in and out of yeah man that gave me the chills like i'm i feel for you that was worse than the stroke oh god what were you pretty young i was like 22 oh man who's the first person you met in new york william stevenson yeah i think it was william stevenson william stevenson oh yeah i went there in 86 i said hey william we're both here he said get get the fuck out of my face oh my god what's he mitzi shore jack guys right then william was a jack guys i was like all right fair enough i understood like he didn't want nothing to do with me wait who's your class of comics that you started with that like you identify with out of new york out of new york because i don't know will we know the philly guys ralph harris oh yeah ralph harris yeah that's my man he's funny i started ralph harris i started a comedy group called comedy express a bunch of black comics and it was ralph me um wanda was in it um warren hutchinson are you serious are you serious are you serious yeah dude this bothers me so much that this is going past the internet and they're like ralph harris cool like almost like he's a uh a center fielder for the boston red socks in right fucking 1982 ralph harris yeah was bebe's kids yeah ralph harris that guy with the big eyes ralph harris no no no you're thinking of somebody else who am i thinking of robin harris yes he was la black guys right now god damn it first rock did that edit that out edit that out keep going no keep it in keep it in keep it in keep with him robin harris robin harris baby's kids was like fucking no that's the that's the original modern day storyteller yeah yeah yeah but ralph harris was on his he had a show a tv show he was ralph was doing a lot of good shit where's my phone i want to see ralph harris he was a better looking guy robin here was kind of funny looking big eyes were you thinking the same guy i was thinking of well once you said baby is kids i thought of that yeah i think ralph harris is uh he's an east coast guy he's philly guy yeah uh robin i think was la yeah robin harris was jesus christ me ralph i gotta block some people oh yeah me ralph harris and eleanor are doing the philly show oh eleanor she's south philly i'm south philly nice so we're both south philly along with ralph who's a philly guy we're doing a punch line the 25th hey of november all right good philly show oh right now right now yeah This is a throwback story. No, Philly legends. Really? Yeah. Where are you doing it at, Punchline? Punchline, yeah, in Philly. That's good. So, yeah, we're doing that together. We have Eleanor as my buddy. Yeah, I like Eleanor. If you could have picked one of the people that you first met when they were younger to get famous, Kurt, Keith, or Kurt, Jay, or Kev, who would you have picked? No, not on talent. On, like, who would you have liked to have seen it happen to the most? Because Kurt would be a fun one. Kurt is so funny. He's so fucking funny. Kurt makes me laugh harder than just about anybody. What happened with this wine? Are we, like, Christians or something? That's another one. Oh, yeah, I don't know. So, wait, like, Kurt? I think Kurt Metzger makes me laugh harder than any human being alive. Kurt. It's almost like he does it, like, on stage. Off stage. Off stage. Off stage, Kurt Metzger. Yeah. It's almost like he has no idea. He's, like, I always use this example. You go back to Thanksgiving with your girlfriend to meet her family, and she's got an autistic younger sister. And you're, like, what the fuck's the deal with that kid? And they're, like, oh, she took a shit. That's why she has marks on her knees. From her elbows. You're, like, what? That's Kurt Metzger. Like, Kurt Metzger makes me laugh so fucking hard. My favorite Kurt Metzger joke, we were at Montreal, and it was right around the Trayvon Martin killing. Uh-oh. And it was, like, right at the very beginning of wokeness, right? Yeah. And Kurt, I think, I don't think he's aware that wokeness ever happened. Like, he's kind of impervious to the backlash. Yeah. And I don't know what we were doing. We were doing, like, a panel show. So it wasn't, like, a comedy thing. It was, like, a panel show. Yeah. And they're, like, how do you guys handle the Trayvon Martin stuff on stage? And I was, like, well, I don't really talk about that stuff. And Kurt goes, I just saw they had murals of famous black celebrities in hoodies. Uh-huh. And they're, like, yeah, yeah, I saw that. And he's, like, they put up, like, Michael Jordan in a hoodie. Would you shoot this guy? Jesse Jackson. Jesse Jackson in a hoodie. Yeah. They put up Martin Luther King Jr. in a hoodie. And Kurt Metzger goes, they shot him in a suit. Of course they would have shot him in a hoodie. And no one laughed. It was perfect. And I couldn't stop laughing. And it was, like, almost like enjoying someone not getting the right Christmas present. Yeah. And I couldn't stop fucking laughing. That's a great joke. Kurt Metzger is fucking hysterical. Yeah, he really is. He had that old joke about he's taking a shower. And he drops the razor. He's talking about evolution. He's, like, I don't know. Do we come from monkeys? That feels kind of crazy. And he's in that. Later that night, he's in the shower. He drops the razor. Picks it up with his foot. He's scratching his ass. He's jerking off. I can't remember. But he becomes a monkey in the bed. It's fucking great. Ah. He would have been. It would have been fun to see Kurt Metzger as Kevin Hart. Oh, that big. Like, Kevin Hart being Kevin Hart is pretty fun. Yeah. Because there's a lot of wildness that I didn't expect with Kevin Hart. Hmm. Yeah. Like, I mean, his tabloid shit is pretty wild. But, like. Well, he's a regular guy. He's a very regular dude. So I kind of enjoy that about Kevin Hart. It's what makes, like, you know, you don't see that about The Rock. You don't see that about John Cena. You don't see that about certain stars. Yeah. Kevin Hart's looseness makes me feel like he's attainable. Or not attainable, but, like, touchable, you know? Yeah, he's human. But even him after the roast, he came up, as a comic, he came up to me. He's like, what did you think? There you go. There you go. And you're like, and I was like, it was great. And he goes, what did you think about me? Much that. And I was like, oh, you murdered. You murdered. He was amazing. Yeah. And by the way, Big Jay roasting you was fucking terrible. Oh, that was great. Fuck Big Jay. But it's like when Mulaney got popped for drugs. You're like, hey, I like him more now. Yeah. He gives you, like, a humanity. The second Mulaney cheated on his wife and got popped for drugs, you were like, now you're relatable. Right. Now you're one of us. I need to do drugs and cheat on my wife. Hey, there you go. Yeah. I'm here first. And guys, we're going to do that as a promo. And don't edit that out. Don't edit that out. I'll fuck Leanne if it helps. OK. She would love that. Oh, no. She would love that. She loves Mark Norman. She loves, she loves you. Well, we go way back. Yeah. Yeah. We did the old wheelbarrow one day. So what's your night look like tonight? You guys doing spots? I got three spots. Where are you doing spots? I got a stand. Seller New York Comedy Club. Wow. One of them's my show if you want to do it. Nope. Okay. Threw it out there. Where's your show? It's at New York Comedy Club. What time? Eight o'clock. Sold out. Just saying. No pressure. Which one? Fourth Street. East Village. The big one. Fuck that one. All right. What's your night look like? I'm knowing nothing. What's his night look like? It's going to take him until 10 p.m. to cross the street. We got to get you ready. Put you in a radio flyer wagon. I wish I could do spots. I have no interest in stand-up. But don't you get rusty? You don't worry if I take a night off or two nights off? Not two nights. I can do a week. Really? That's good. I can do a week. If I take a month off, I'm rusty. But I can take like. But it's from having kids. And I think you'll get more of this as you have more kids. It's like. You start realizing like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you got to be there. Monday, Tuesday, you got to be there. And then you go, well, then that blends into Wednesday. And then you start realizing, well, I'm doing it Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Maybe if I just jump in Tuesday, I'm good. And that's how I am now. Like I've been doing more spots at the store now that girls aren't home. I'm at the store way more often. What's your oldest kin? My oldest kin? Kin. Kid. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Kin. I'm solo with Chewbacca here. Wow. Translating. My oldest is 22. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's 22. And like, listen, whatever trauma they had for me not being at home is whatever it is. We're there. So it's like, yeah, I mean, it happens. You'll see it. It's going to happen. I'm on a grandfather's stage now. I got a grandkid. Wow. I got four. Nice. Four grandkids? Yeah. Four. Jesus. But, you know, I'm not a starting grandfather. Oh, yeah. Backup quarterback. I'm a starting grandfather. But I think those kids, I think kids are resilient. And if you don't hit them and you don't piss on them and you don't fucking do anything bad to them, then. What do you mean, don't hit them? Like, okay. But, you know, when you have white kids, if you don't hit them. Yeah. But, like, mine are doing good in the thing. And I know there's, like, I know that there's probably, I could have been home more. Like, I talk to you guys and, like, Giannis and. Stefano. Stefano and Stavi and, like, everyone's like, I don't want to work as much. Yeah. That wasn't my path. Me neither. Yeah. I'm the same as you. I'm out every weekend. I still do spots in the city at night. I got pods all day. So, we're the same in that way. Fitzsimmons said the best thing to me one time. He goes, yeah, I'm a comic. I go out late. I wake up late. Yeah. I do spots. That's what I do. Exactly. That's what I do. I was a construction worker. I wake up early and you wouldn't see me until later. Right. That's how it works. Yes. I was like, yeah, that's how it works. That's how it works. And your wife knows who she married. Oh, yeah. You know. Your wife? She's talking all this tough talk now. Well, I mean, she'll still yell at me, but, you know, she signed up for a comic. Amazing comic. Yeah, exactly. So, she gets it. But it's tough with a kid. And another one. Yeah. I mean, ah, shit. He's a bad dad. I just left him. We're all bad dads. I left him in a waymo. I gotta get back to him. Yeah, we should wrap this up. Guys. This has been amazing. This food was great. Food was great. Thank you. Thank you. Hang was great. I could talk to you guys for five hours. I could talk to you for another five. The, uh, thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it. I know it's tough to come in to the city and do something like this when now it's like podcasts are like more a favorite of me than they were to us. Remember that? Of course. Do you remember those days? Of course. Remember your first podcast with me? Yes. Wow. You walked in, you went, I'm not good at this. Yeah. No, I don't remember that. It was at my house, my old house. The man cave. You're like, I'm not good at this. I don't remember that. Wow. Oh, my favorite part was you were like, you were stumbling everywhere. Like, ah, is that good? Is that bad? But it was very real to who you are. And then you were like, I got one story about having sex and dressing and washing and Thanksgiving Day stuffing. Oh, yeah. And I went, wait, I'd love to hear that story. Yeah. You told me that story, it murdered. Oh, right. And everyone's like, who is this guy? You? Tim Dillon? Oh, Tim's great on a mic. Dude, but I had him like early like you where he was like, ah, I mean, oh, I don't even know, Rogan. Yeah. Now it's like, now I watch you guys kill it on podcasts. I go, man, I wish I had paid more attention to what you guys are doing. Yeah, well, pods, people don't realize pods are how you get people to see you. People are like, I'll tell, fuck around on that. I'm like, no, you should try. But stand-up's the thing. Stand-up's the thing. thing it's the thing it's my thing it's not i'm not a pod guy i do this for the enjoyment of everyone i hope everyone enjoys it and gets stuff out of it i hope people love these conversations but like i always say like if i say something really funny i'm gonna pull it out oh yeah oh yeah save it for the fucking stand-up 100 that's the thing that's my that's my whore yeah full circle yeah that's my horn too same triple whore triple whore guys mark norman thank you very much this episode was brought to you by the machine i wrote a little song to remind you choice hotels get you more of the experiences you value the cambria hotels got it all a rooftop bar