Something’s Burning: Jordan Jensen + Ian Fidance Were Kicked Off Swim Team | S7 E11

First anchovy has a bone this big in it and it gets lodged on the back of my tongue on the roof of my mouth. As I breathe, I then go into the bathroom and I try to get it out with my finger and I'm now gagging and gagging. You're looking at porn, you're like, "Argh, argh, argh." Fully loaded at sea is back. Bigger, boozier, and birdier. November 19th to 23rd, 2026, Miami to Cozumel on the Norwegian Jewel. Me, Whitney Cummings, Big Jay Ogerson, Miss Pat, Felipe Esparza, Joe DeRosa, Rosebud Baker, Katherine Blanford, Shane Torres, Dave Williamson, Ian Finance, Sypha Sounds, the Docksiders, and DJ Arrowwolf, and many more. Every day will be packed with live comedy shows, live podcasts, theme night, karaoke, held by my wife every night at midnight, gambling, the tattoo parlor, and wild on-board events like the belly flop contest, the speedo contest, smallest dick on the boat, beer run, and game night. Shirts are optional, hangovers are questionable, swinging is encouraged, but we are guaranteed to drink this boat dry. You're not going to want to miss it. Do you have a phone book I could sit on? A phone book? What year is this? Yeah, hold on. Let me get my caller ID. A phone book. Do phone books still exist? I think they exist for businesses. But if you want to call them, you have to use 10-10-2-20. No, no, no. Do you remember 10-10-2-20? What is 10-10-2-20? No, do you remember 1-8-7-6? Joke? Joke. Joke. Joke. Look at those. Can I tell you who picked those? Rosebud's daughter, Minnow. Really? She picked them yesterday. Are these lemons? Those are lemons. No way. Oh my God. This is a Monsanto lemon. We have a lemon tree next door. This was in it? I mean, Dolly Parton-sized lemons. This is a regular lemon, right? This is a regular Monsanto's lemon, and then that's the one for you. Do you think this tastes good? Are these natural? It's fucking phenomenal. No way. Why is it this big? Watch this. Cut it open. There's no reason not to. I'm never going to use that much lemon. No. Here, let's use a real knife. How domesticated are you? Zero. She is so feral. Zero. It's like- Get away from this. Like, like, okay. It's actually not bad. I kind of want to smell it. Just dip a finger? No, don't dip a finger. This dip a finger is way weirder. And I got sparse hairs. Let me dip a finger. I'm perfect. I'm perfect. Oh. Real? I'm like a cast on the inside of a cast. Can I tell you, that's my favorite thing about having little girls. I've appreciated women so much more. Yeah. Because a stinky woman, a woman who farts, a woman with some hair leg, a woman with an armpit hair is like, that's the natural. A primped woman is a little unnatural. Yeah, it's gay. You ready? That's so funny, because I like not- Look at the rind. I know. You don't like period blood? You like hairless? Yeah. Oh, period blood? I long for it. Yeah. Get out of here. Because he's a real man. And my wife's 56. Oh, you gotta get it. I haven't seen period blood in a while. Wow. If period blood showed up now, I'd be like, what are you looking at? Are you still having a period? Yeah. Oh, is that awkward? When do we lose our periods? How old are we? When is perimenopause? What's this bullshit? Oh, perimenopause? Oh, get out of here. Oh. Shut up. Hang on. You just called the fucking, the witch will come down in a second. What? The Babadook? She's got a big scar on her face right now, because she's got- And she'll go, I'll tell you about perimenopause. That's Leanne. Take a look at this. Cancer? Yeah, face cancer. Face? Is it a face? Wait, this is real? I know the one place, it was like, yeah, the one place that you don't want it. I thought you made up a fake witch that was the perimenopausal witch. Oh, this is Leanne? Yeah, Leanne's got, oh, it's aggressive. Try not to look at it. The lemon? No, her face. I love how you were like- You're gonna go, you're gonna, right now, you're envisioning casual. I'm envisioning like a little bandaid, like neck band. Okay. Like a little bandelli. I'm envisioning this lemon on her face. Oh, I'm so excited for you to see her. Is it- Have you seen Band of the Opera? Yeah. Okay. Dude, are you for real? Oh yeah. It's that bad? Oh, it's so bad that you, just try not to bring it up. Just be like, hey, how you doing, Leanne? She'd be like, I'm not bad. Where is she? Right now, probably soaking her face. In the darkness? Hey, where is Leanne? Is she in a meeting? She's in a fucking meeting for the- I'm scared. It's aggressive lemon, right? For that big, it's still fucking- Wow. Yeah, right? The brunch is so good. It's very lemony. It's a lot of lemon. Mm. Yeah. Coyote, try this. You're giving your dog lemon? Whoa. I'm sorry. I was trying to put- Coyote. Lemon in my salt. What were you saying? I liked the earnest sorry. You were like, I'm so sorry. I was in a notes meeting today, and they were like, hey, how do we gonna fix this script? And I go, I think the family should get a dog. And they're like, what? And Leanne goes, you're trying to fix everything with a dog, because I'm trying to fix our family with a dog. All our dogs are dead. Our girls are in college. And I was like, we need a dog. We need a dog. A dog fixes everything. It does. You're gonna get a dog to gnaw that thing off Leanne's face? Wait 'til you see it then. What do you mean? Leanne's the sweetest. Is it big? It's as big as that. And by the way, it's gotten better. It was on her nose. In cancer? On the face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so sad. It's peri-cancer. Peri-menopause. Peri-menopause. And they're gonna cut it off? No, no, no. It just goes away. It burnt it. And you should have to go to chemotherapy for like 20 days. And at first she was like, it ain't that bad. It ain't that bad. And then one day she walked out, she's like, is it bad? And it all down here was swollen. Why? 'Cause God hates women. It's growing up. Yeah. Hey, I feel like a snowman in March. I had a blood clot in my legs, trouble in my lungs, and then our bus burned down. And this cocksucker had the only thing that was salvageable, his goddamn fucking hat. Oh my God. Wait, what? He's gonna throw it away the second he smells it. That's the only thing that survived. That is so crazy. This asshole, my tour bus burns down, and I lose everything. And he says, did my hat make it? No, no. Yes. That was a bit. That was a bit. Because initially I didn't know anything. And I went up to Kyle and I was like, I don't know. Kyle. And I was like, hey, do you know we're meeting up with the bus? I left my hat on. He goes, yeah, I really don't know. We're trying to figure it out. I didn't know he knew. And I go, okay, so we're gonna get on the bus and I'll get my hat, right? He was like, well, get your hat. And I was like, all right, Kyle, Jesus. And then I get a picture and it's just, the only thing that survived was your hat because it was underneath Dewey's bag. Oh, it's crispy. Does it stink? Oh, it's crispy. Oh my God. Reminds me of when I was a firefighter. This is a big, this is good. Do you think? Dude, the story that, kids in New York are paying top dollar for that. Did you know my merch, I was on a bus tour while you guys were on bus tour and my merch was a bus on fire. That was my whole logo. Are you serious? Yeah. And then he sent me, he goes, how's your bus tour? This is how mine's going. And it was your bus on fire. And then I was like, LOL, because I thought he was like making fun of me and it really was. I am so happy. This looks like an old timey hat. Yeah. This is a sign. I lost one. This is a sign. $1.5 million. How do you think I feel about my hat? But no, I'm so glad we got your hat. You could probably eBay that. I had to get a replacement hat. They don't make this size anymore. I had to get a hat expander. Oh, for real? For real? Hey, I'm renting a bus for $125,000 a month. I've been through a lot. This hat is too tight. I'm so glad we got your fucking hat. And isn't that the bus your daughter retrofitted? My daughter built me a bus. Yeah. Yeah. For your hat, baby. And the only thing left is my dumb hat. Do you know how happy I am? Is it that bus? The one that I saw with the bedroom? Yeah. It was the good one? Favorite thing in the world. What the fuck? And you don't know what it was? Did you do an autopsy? No. I guess someone fell asleep with a cigarette in their bunk. I don't know who it could have been. Yeah. I was told if we shut the curtain, we could do whatever we want in the bunk. So, fuck me, I guess. He goes, "I love that Ian doesn't know that we can tell he smokes." Yeah. He comes in the bus and he'll be like, "So, what are we doing?" We're like, "Why? Did you guys just have a cigarette?" And he's like, "Oh, did you see me out there?" We're like, "Uh, no." Yeah. "You came in like Smokey the Bear." You know what? I have to put it out before I enter a space. Because when I enter, people are like, "Whoa." But if I put it out and then take a beat, you can't tell. I guarantee. What about the whole quitting? What about that? What about that idea? Well, let's focus on making this food. Okay. This is the hardest thing. The hardest thing in the world is nicotine to quit. I think it's the love of a woman. It's love. Yeah, it's love. Not that we would know about that right away. No, no, no, no. Not that we're going through anything. When was the last time you kissed someone who smoked? Right now. Great question. Probably like a year ago. Really? Yeah. It's pretty aggressive. One time a girl told me I tasted— I love it. I don't mind it at all. For real? Yeah, yeah. It's my favorite thing. Not on you. An ex told me I tasted like an old coat. Yeah. That's nice. I wanted to French my dad growing up, so now that I can hook up with guys that smoke, it's like the same thing if I close my eyes. Oh, that's nice. Keep cutting those onions. I'm crying because of the onions, not that story. Yeah. I'm hard because of the onions. Yeah. I like this. Oh, what if cutting onions made your dick hard? You'd be like, "I can't help it." What about when you—do you ever kiss somebody who's a drinker? I do not like that. I do kind of like it. I do not like that. Oh, like an IPA? No. Oh, what? You're so attractive, it's stinky. I know. Really? Leanne loves the smell of me. She'll smell right here and goes, it smells like Bert. Oh. But I don't know what that is because I smell it all the time. Oh, she loves you. Yeah, she loves me. She smells like secrets. Really? Yeah, when I saw her naked for the first time, I felt like I'd never seen it like that before. Like whenever I got someone naked, I was always like, I'd be like, oh, I would hope their nipples would be better. Or I'd hope their boobs would be better. Oh, I expected something a little different. And then when she got naked for the first time, it was like the first time seeing someone naked. Like it felt like she was showing me a secret. Why? I have no idea. Because you couldn't imagine her naked before? I kind of want you to see her naked so that you know. Oh, you think it's about her body, not about the feelings. I think it's about her body. Bring her down here. Show off the face. Can she get naked? I have a picture of her naked that is, are you zinning? See, this is so fucked up. She gives me shit about smoking, and then she pops a fucking upper decker. And then she gets to have that, and I don't get to have my thing. It's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. This is you. And also, bro, this is, I think she don't get to do that. You're such a, you're. Do you want one? Capital. Zins are the greatest thing in the world. No. They're the greatest thing in the world. They give me headaches. No, you gave me a big back. You quit? I quit for over a year. Anyway, what are you making today? Wait, hold on. Loco Moco, which is perfect for you. Wait, hold on. Hang on. What were you? Tell me how bad this is. Okay. So I think I might have told you this. I was on the bus, old bus, and I had a panic attack. And I realized I had no. Yeah. This is crazy. This is insane. Wait, I'm going to. Your first go-to move. It's so bad, and then it gets worse because I've been doing it on planes. Oh, no. Bird. I know. Shut up. Let me hear it. Wait, hold on. You got to tell me how bad this is. Okay. So I have a. Shut up, Ian. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So. I have a panic attack, and I realize I have no tap out. I have no tap out. And so I'm like, okay, I need to redirect. Like, if you have alcohol, you go have a drink. Yeah. And then the panic attack goes away. Alcohol's going to take care of this. Marijuana, maybe it'll make it worse. Maybe it won't. We're going to deal with it then. A Xanax, 100%. 100%. Zen, let's have a Zen. Let's fucking sit down, get a journal out. We'll journal with a Zen in. Cigarette. Cigarette. Fuck, yeah. So I'm in the bus. I'm having a real panic attack. I have no tap out. And I go, oh, you know what? It's always kind of blown my serotonin up. Porn. So I go, and I start scrolling porn. And after five minutes, I haven't thought about the thing that's giving me a panic attack. And I went, that's crazy. Porn works. And I go, now, I know this is unhealthy, but if we have no tap out, we have porn. So I'm on a plane. Can you masturbate? Do you have to masturbate? No, no, no. I don't have to masturbate. I just need to be redirected. I need to be rodeo clowned. Yeah. Right? Yeah. A lot of people do breath work. I tried it. Dude, I tried it. I tried it on a plane. I was going. And then I go, I'm on the plane. I'm having a full blown panic attack. And I'm out myself. I've told, I have blood clots. So I have to get up every 45 minutes to go to the bathroom and do squats. And I tell her, you know, it's my 45 minutes. She goes, it's turbulence. But you should be fine. And I just go in. And I go on porn. And I sit and I watch a little porn. And you're ignoring your squats? I'm doing squats. Watching porn. And I'm going like, all right. It's going away. It's going away. I was like, this is unhealthy. No, I don't agree. I don't agree at all. You are such a contrarian. That is so unhealthy to whip out porn in public. What? He's in the bathroom. Where were you? Thank you. Thank you. What are you talking about? If something, a panic attack is a fucking nightmare. It's the worst feeling in the entire world. You feel like you're about to pass out. Turbulence is happening. If you have to look at some naked people slamming their fucking parts together, nobody's getting hurt. There's, it's not child porn. Can I tell you, I don't even need to click the thumbnail. I just need to scroll. Yeah, that's fine. It's just, gets you out of it. That's great. You know, the thumbnails show up and then it'll be like, you know, like the six scenes, like on the side of the bed, on all fours, she's got a ski mask on. Can I tell you what the problem is? It is a sign that you might be a little. You know what I mean? Like, that's not great. Your coping skills are a little devastating that you just see tits and you're like, oh, I don't care if they're playing class now. I can breathe now. Poopy then bedina. Yeah. You could like, I don't know. Pull up pictures of your family. Be like, ah, that calms me down. You're like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I do crosswords that are very difficult to bring me out of a panic attack. You're like, I do that thing where you pick five things you can see, four things you can taste, three things you can smell, two things you can touch, one thing you can hear. I had a panic attack last night. Tell me about it. It was just at the store and the room was really weird and there was a lot of bros and the bros were doing this thing. You ever seen these audience members where they go, ha, ha, ha, and they look at their friend. They go, it's not cool to laugh at that. I'll stop. You ever seen that? Those people? No. It's like bros who like, they laugh, but they need to make sure their other bro is down with the laughter. Like I was sitting in the back watching the audience and they were just. OR? Yeah. They were just idiots. Were they trying to connect? No, no. They're looking at each other being like, is that okay to laugh? No. Is that okay? That's gay. Okay. I'll stop laughing. Like that. Really? And just like the girls were very like with these bros and there was like four of them in the room and like nobody was having that much fun on stage and I always panic. I panic at the store because it's so unfamiliar and I have a really sinister, like I feel like LA is quite haunted and I never feel like, I feel weird. Do you feel like there's always someone in the room? Whereas New York, I feel like you're doing stand up in a vacuum. Oh, like somebody watching? Yeah, like someone's, I always feel like someone's watching. In New York, somebody's watching, but I feel like they're on my side. In LA, somebody's watching and I feel like they're being like. I told you that's why we didn't sign her. Yeah. Yeah. I feel the same way. I don't. I don't like that. I fucking hate it. So. And it never goes away. Oh, really? I guess. But I don't have that in New York. Even if like. Oh, I feel like, I feel it in New York too. Oh, really? More in New York. So I feel like when I go to New York, people are like, so this is him, huh? I had a woman. I'll tell you who after. That's what it is. You go to a different coast. You go to a different coast and you expect the coast to watch you. Yeah, what if it's just on familiarity? And they're watching you and I'm worried they'll be like, yeah, that bitch should stay in New York. So that's who got the Netflix special, huh? Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, totally. Whereas in New York, we're all friends. We just got done hanging out. We're sitting together. I mean, we're friends here too, but it's very different the way people communicate here. In New York, we walk up to each other and we go, I have a yeast infection and I'm going through a breakup and I'm really devastated about what's happening with my parents. In LA, it's like, I'm good. And I can't stand that. Nobody's good. And the last time I saw you, you were like, I ate an entire fish and I ate some of the bones too. I ate so much food. Wait, what fish? Me or her? Her. Oh, me too. You eat the bones? No. Oh, I can't help it. Street cat? No, what's the fucking fish that everyone's like, oh my God, you've got to have the dot, dot, dot. And then you get it and they go, we'll do it at the table. And the guy gets a spoon and never gets all the fucking bones out. What's that fish? Bass. Branzino. Fucking Branzino sucks. Good job. Branzino. Branzino's good. But there's always bones in it. I don't like looking at the bones out. I got a, I got a, I, one time the guy's like, we're in New York, I'm at a business meeting for Travel Channel now and realize how pointless life is. Yeah. I'm like, close this deal. Yeah. I hope I get 13 more episodes for $5,000 an episode. Yeah. And so, I know that's a lot of money to everyone else, but whatever. So, I exhaust myself. Anyway, the guy goes. Can I say something? Please. You have a little bit of lemon on your face. And it's, I've just been staring at it. Other side? I'll get it. No, no, no. It's still, it's still there. Okay, good. So. Oh, I couldn't stop looking. Is it, did I get it? Oh, God. What? Is it, did I get it? Leanne. I can't, I can't wait for her to come in because I'll. No, no, no. I will have forgotten about it. I feel so bad. So, wait, so, wait. And so, the guy goes, there's not a star anchovies in that. Are you with anchovies? And I went, I love anchovies. I go, as a matter of fact, because I'm at Travel Channel, I'm trying to be a guy I'm not. I go, can I get extra anchovies? Now, I'm not really certain what an anchovy does. I never really had an anchovy on anything. Oh, my God. And it's a Caesar salad. So, he loads it with anchovies. And someone's like, a lot of anchovies. I go, you know, the thing about traveling is it changes your cultural DNA. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh. First anchovy has a bone this big in it, and it gets lodged on the back of my tongue, on the roof of my mouth. And as I breathe. Like an alligator in Peter Pan. That's what it is. That's it. Right? I kept saying it was bowing. Like, it was like a bow. And as I'd breathe, it would go. Oh, my God. So, I casually eat a piece of bread. I eat a piece of bread. And nothing's happening. There's just bread on the bone now. Just created a sail on the mast. Oh, and then when you talked, it was just anchovies. Oh, my God. So, I go. So, I casually get a cocktail. Right? That'll make things go away. It's not happening. Oh, you're swishing it around. I then go into the bathroom. And I try to get it. I try to get it out with my finger. And I'm now gagging and gagging. You're looking at porn. You're like. Kids. You know the meal's over when someone says, I'm full. You know it's a great night when nobody gets up from the table. That's my favorite part. Dinner's done. Plates are cleared. Nobody's hungry anymore. And nobody wants to leave either. Someone's about to tell a story. Someone starts laughing. And they can't finish the story. Somehow, one hour turns into three hours. 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diet mountain dew tasting great since 48 the bold taste you know and love has proud american roots back in 1948 two brothers two brilliant brothers create a mountain dew deep in the foothills of tennessee the refreshing citrus kick is the perfect way to savor your summer whether you're celebrating at the grill on the beach or right in your living room sipping on mountain dew is a great way to start a damn way good time enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of mountain dew an american original tasting great since 48 finally i get a piece of toilet paper and i go back with a roll of toilet like i i make it like a thing and i start fishing it out i'm gagging i get out of the bathroom and one of the travel channel exactors in there he goes anchovy bone oh my god and i went yeah he's like that's why i don't need anchovies i've never had an anchovy since oh holy shit yeah ninja turtles would have hated you the ninja turtles that's so crazy can i tell you the best joke i never you wait did you start in philly yeah who had the joke he goes can i tell you something i was watching the ninja turtles i don't know if the masks were effective i don't know he goes wait who has that he goes everyone goes who who was here to say today is i couldn't tell you it was four turtles though but they had masks oh yeah yeah yeah yeah because their masks are this their masks are little ribbons but they're fucking four yeah yeah yeah they're ginormous turtles wait what are the jokes you remember hearing that you're that still kind of sit in your head from a comic you've never seen since oh i there's there's a girl who used to say something about like when she would have sex with a guy and she'd be like oh so that's where your ex's clit was like when they just go you remember their exes it was yeah i always think about that oh we used to make fun of this guy because he would always do the same joke and we would recite it in the back of the room and he he would talk like this and he was like most men objectify a woman i womanify an object i know that guy no you don't no i do no i've heard that joke well i object if i i womanify an object yeah i've heard that joke i dude oh fuck i even forget his name but i remember his hairline and how he looked like i remember his hairline and how he looked like i remember his he held the microphone like this and he also used to carry lube and condoms around in a plastic bag just in case anya volts that's who said the clip joke remember her oh yeah it's a good comedy dude what was this guy's name dave something fuck mark cohen has the best joke of all time coco oh my god where he goes yeah mark cohen looking for a rapist yeah where he goes where the cops come to to his door and they're like hey we're looking for a local rapist in the area and he goes all right i'll go get my coat one of the first jokes i remember hearing was my grandfather worked in the city and he came over and he came in flustered he goes oh my god today the craziest thing happened i stopped a woman from getting raped and me and my mom were like oh my god what happened he goes i quit following her i was like oh my god i'm seven it's good it was good and then i was getting the sex talk from him and my mom because he raised me and my mom was like when you're with when you're with a woman wear two condoms and don't get a disease and he goes you're gonna wear two condoms you might as well just stay home who is this guy my grandpa oh i like that guy i like that a lot yeah uh whitney cummings one time said to me like out of nowhere she goes just so you know the stuff that worked on the woman before isn't going to work on me when we were not we're not going to have sex she just casually said it i'm i thought you were wearing like a miner's hat and i was like but i'd always believe and i had casually always believed i'm good at sex with leanne i could kill it with anyone and i don't know if i said podcast and whitney just must have heard it and was like just so you know the stuff that worked on the previous woman doesn't work on every woman just so you know i didn't know her i was like whoa just to like illuminate just to check your ego or something i don't i have no idea it came from out of nowhere isn't it weird that you can have such good sex with one person and just the most trash sex with another it blows my mind recalibrate well and then you're nervous so you come early and then you have to um you never come early you get soft and everybody knows it do you really get soft i told you that on the phone yeah you know i don't get soft you don't come quick i always look down as a compliment wow my pussy must be incredible no i look at it as a compliment it's the when you get they love it when you get to ra just that you can't get hard because you respect the person and that makes us feel bad about our body and face because i was lying to you oh my god you were great in uh bradley cooper's movie thank you for pivoting you were great thank you for pivoting thank you you were thanks you were i i i i you were so fucking natural i saw that on a plane and by the way the movie's great yeah i wish that they hadn't used stand-up as a vehicle well that was the whole plot no but it wasn't it was not the plot the plot has nothing to do with stand-up i know but it's about john bishop who's john bishop you know john bishop he's the um he's a british comic it's his story he's huge in england i read a book no i'm kidding yeah that's john grisham and he um he fucking all of them he um grisham by the way happened he started comedy he had divorced his wife she was in the audience and she fell in love with him which to me in the movie is a romantic thing to me i'm like i fucking hate how every woman sees a man on stage and they're like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know he's everything i've ever dreamed of i'm like he just has a spotlight in a microphone just so you know that's a me tooable offense what why having sex with a fan boom i agree with this wait i don't uh but i don't but i never fucked a fan here's what i remember being on the bus when it came out online just so you know guys you're not supposed to fuck your fans that's a me tooable offense i agree with this i and why are they called chuckle fuckers it's like fucking on training wheels it's disgusting you go on stage this is like when guys try and hit on me after the show i'm like i just tried to make everybody in that room fall in love with me for an hour straight using my best stuff and you're being like i want to go out with you no shit dude what are you you just saw every i literally had to make a giant room full of people like me and pay me money of course you want to go out but i feel like guys will go to a woman comic and be like uh oh i like they'll they'll be like i can do that or i'm funny to like try to make you be like oh they're funny too you know what i mean i'm initially attracted to any female that does stand-up yeah of course i think it's the sexiest thing that's how we feel about men doing stand-up too it's a problem it's an alpha like i'm standing up i'm telling i'm i've got swagger i've got confidence which is everything you want in like a i think anyone's attracted to a musician or someone that is performing and you know like like you said you're in a spotlight and everything i think it's very easy to find that attractive whether it's a woman or a man i mean listen there are guys there are comics that get pussy that if they had a regular job would never see a woman yeah never never um i remember when that came out and everyone on the bus was like whoa whoa whoa can't fuck our fans and i and i've never met as a matter of fact quite the opposite leanne does not find me very funny yeah that's really that's what you want no how long have you been with leanne the first time she ever uh 24 years the first time she ever saw me do stand-up she goes she goes you're better than that what and i was like what she goes she nagged you she was like i know i think that's what she does but she was like i don't know the dumb frat boy thing i don't know i think you're smarter wow and i was like really good that pushes you oh yeah and then the whole time i'm it's like did that fuck with you and like there's did you still let her watch you uh there's times where i'll be like hey don't comment on don't say any i mean look i can get in the weeds on this woman for whatever her upbringing she is brutally fucking honest like at the times you would celebrate the largest sometimes the snake will rear its head and you're like i could you could have said nothing wow she'll she'll rip you down but she just no it's she's just honest she cannot lie yeah yeah she cannot lie and she cannot and your feelings are not important i mean not they're important to her is it honest or honest autism i don't know where is she bring her down let's see this fucking face we just unroll her yeah wheel her in hello my lord she is wildly honest and but that's good it's fucking awesome to lie to you you know it's kind of nice i i'm brutally honest it gets me in a lot of trouble it's a huge issue i have ocd about not being honest if i like if i i feel like i'm misleading i feel like they don't really love me for who i am unless i tell them what i really feel which is often really really mean really yeah like if yeah if i'm distracted by somebody's gnarly haircut i have to be like your hair looks stupid and dumb and i wish you didn't have that haircut and if i don't say that i'm worried that i'm being like a dishonest person but is that honest or is that an intrusive thought that you're just intrusive it's intrusive so it's not like altruistic like i'm honest it's like no you should only say something mean if somebody asks but i can't do that well okay but then how about with stand-up like i i go well i'm playing a different game than the majority of them so i'm not going to comment on anyone's stand-up because i do something different yeah like we were just talking about funny af which just came out i could not i could not have got to the first round yeah i could not have gotten not even when i was at like young and stand up but 100 right now where i'm at i couldn't get to the first round do five minutes of stand-up let me know who you are in five fucking minutes that's crazy you've never done late night yes you could uh i've done late no i've paneled yeah yeah yeah you can totally do that you could totally construct a five minute but okay i'll even argue this is that the art form hey can you have oh this is this isn't oh no i was wondering i thought this was guinness and i was like shit we can't cook with guinness um but it's not guinness that's hot as fucking shit oh dude you just touched the cast on there yeah that's hot as shit but like but also i'm not honest with people about their stand-up like because i i'm very critical of stand-up and what i'm what yeah and what i like is not what is 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if you decide to move forward row can help you understand if glp ones are right for you and your goals and that's just the beginning when you become a row member you'll have the support throughout the process my weight loss journey has been well documented and i've been pretty honest about it my blood works better than it's ever been i feel better than i ever have and and if you feel that way that you want to get there explore row just go to row.co slash bert to see if you qualify that's ro.co slash bert to get started on row for side effects of glp-1 medications including boxed warnings go to row.co slash safety row.co slash safety i thought you were like pranking him uh do i go do i go flower and then this can you tell us what you're making it's loco moco have you never been to hawaii have you never been to hawaii have you been to hawaii it's the greatest place in the world the greatest place in the world i've never really is the only place to go on it is would they like me because i'm not a loke they would love you they love it right there i just want to take my shirt off everywhere i go and surf you can take your shirt you can definitely surf you got you got to know where you're going you can't just go and get it i've never surfed i've surfed are you serious i'm very afraid of the ocean really yeah i can't swim too well i can swim very well but i'm quite scared of riptides and sharks you can swim well yeah i was on the swim team i wore a t-shirt though you swam with a t-shirt yeah on the swim team yeah it made me very slow i was kicked off the swim team when i was four because i was getting too many erections and then i had to go see a doctor and what's the pop just real quick if you're going wow these are the two most interesting people i've ever heard on the swim team or a shirt got kicked off for too many erections what's the name of your pod again b and e and with jordan in case in case you guys want more of this that's where you find it two of the most interesting people i will tell you another thing i'm i would never start a podcast i wouldn't be competitive in the podcast business if i was right now no but right now i got in i got in early you know you mean if you were a new comic i would be well you got it i would have had a politician on and i would have fucking talked wild shit i would have done all the things that are now mistakes yeah we've done that we've made some mistakes what's the biggest mistake you made on your podcast i said a slur on star wars's podcast a slur yeah i said i said to you r-a-n-n-y tyranny yeah yeah i had a joke she got political but you can't say you can't say that right that's i didn't know and i wasn't saying it in a bad way i was saying you both know you can't say that wait hold on what do you mean you can't say it i didn't i didn't say anything i thought that i was okay you shouldn't say it that's okay but i was saying this guy said it and it was an animal in seven states doesn't mean you should do it but i wasn't saying it derogatorily what states can you say it in seven states you can't say it in seven states you can't say it in seven states can you animals then yeah i wouldn't know what are you making wait what do you think you're getting more trouble for an animal or saying the n-word but if you do call the app what okay what cancels it out what a great game show what a great game show it's called out cancelled and it's just two people coming in you get to know them tell you a little bit about the backstory a song story like i don't have a leg yeah and then they go all right so let's get cancelled and then like dun dun dun and you're like jordan you're here what are you what are you gonna do to get cancelled you're like well i fucked a dog in mississippi where it's legal but i did fuck a dog and i had it eat my pussy and everyone's like and then you're like ian what did you do and you well i haven't done it yet is everybody ready and you drop an n-bomb and then the whole place is like wow yeah and then the internet decides and the other person goes to the next round they're like jordan's here last week she fucked a dog mississippi and she didn't get cancelled let's see who she's up against and they're like and then meanwhile i have to go into hiding because i said a word yeah that's fucking crazy that is i know what would be the ultimate offense uh well it's not jews anymore which i always thought was like crazy you could never say anything bad about jews when i was a kid they lost the pr they lost what and they run the media so i don't understand they fucked it up they got too cocky they got too i'm still trying to think of what would be the most offensive thing it would be pedophilia the way you go if you fucking i fucked an animal in mississippi where it's legal that's like the same thing as russell brand being like oh fuck the 16 year old but it was legal it's like yeah but it's not cool man yeah there's some things that you do that are legal that still aren't cool i think there are things that are worse than pedophilia and the n-word that we don't talk about that are bad to say like like like um say it you know like mom donnie ain't shit something like that that'll really ruin oh dude i went on a date and i told a girl i voted for slewa instead of mom she was like what what what in brooklyn you can get cancelled for anything being like i prefer a dog with four legs you're dead oh you're dead yeah i love when you don't my favorite thing but then i said you like mom donnie so why don't you share that pussy gotcha sometimes when you go to high five me i i need it i high five you because i think it's going to lead to just a full slap if not it's more of a defense it's more of a fucking defense yeah if you don't stop it it's it's hitting something pineapple's the best oh yeah it is the best although i ate too much recently and it made my stomach itchy share with some of that pie it makes your cum taste good i know i know i only eat my cum after i've had pineapple i only jerk my piss after asparagus and i don't know when i'll learn my lesson let's try a little wait this is you only drink i thought you said jerked your piss no no no i've never used this that's the that's the bad part that's the part you like yeah for real um um did you get the kiss always get a compliment on my cum oh my god i had spicy cum recently have you ever experienced that spicy no i don't like could have put it on the eggs could have put it on the eggs wait what was his ethnicity white white as can be no wow white person finally knew how to use spices that's crazy i've never experienced that i've sucked a lot of cock it was i wish you hadn't said that with your mouth full i've never yeah it was like i've seen her sucked up it was like this did you feel like you're on hot ones you're like great question yeah yeah is there a beer and milk what i remember doing hot ones yeah yeah you oh oh oh i thought you meant like someone invented a beer milk no who on hot ones mixed them together i don't know i haven't watched i haven't watched i haven't watched it a lot i used to watch it wait did you do it yeah hey leon will you come in here for a second yeah hi how are you you look great it's really good it's just your face it's just your face i was telling them about your she wants to know about perimenopause oh really yeah what do you want to know when does it happen what age what's it like what's what's wrong with your i'm so sorry it's okay are you gonna be okay yeah i'm gonna be fine it looks fine burt made it sound like you were shut the fuck up yeah it's um i mean it's i mean it's closer it looks a little rougher i think you just look like you got burned you've never met what did we meet i don't think so we didn't i just met you from the internet it's nice to meet you see you too what are you making uh loco moco they've never been or ian's never been to hawaii so was the face worse or better than you thought it was going to be what hers so much better oh so much better what do you think i was like well the way he was saying it i i was like i wasn't saying anything and what he turned it to this he might have said phantom of the opera it's not yellow he might have size shape hanging no no you're not a sunscreen girl no really i mean i grew up in the 70s yeah did they even have sunscreen copper tone yeah that was for like people who lived at the beach that whatever and i was outside like sun up to sundown seven days a week memorial day to labor day every year my entire childhood and never wore sunscreen how creepy was that logo the copper tone logo that was creepy huh oh so weird do you think it's do you think it's do you think it's cool for comedians to fuck their fans what i don't know what do you mean like say say ian goes on stage and this girl's like you were good and then he goes cool and that happens three times a weekend to him every single night he performs do you think that's okay or do you go like and you shouldn't be fucking your fans i think consensual sex is okay between yeah no matter what if you communicate like hey um you know like if they want to have a fun time and you want to have a fun time sure and that i think that's i don't think that that's well you need to watch my friends and neighbors with john ham look at this i love the the like body like this i know yeah she's a little tank she was a little tank yeah she's like yeah she's very yeah yeah she's rugged coyote coyote yeah he's a cute coyote yeah oh for real i think it's i think having sex with your fans is like fucking on training wheels it's like if you're a you know it's like yeah but you gotta ride a training wheel bike before you can ride without training wheels oh that's interesting you might as well hire a prostitute that's how i feel you might as well it's the same exact thing okay i just want to acknowledge that that's exactly the same it's not exactly the same it is i would rather i would rather have sex with a prostitute honestly honestly a hundred percent yeah that's such a false equivalence to say that that's like a prostitute situation my opener was in bed with a woman and they pulled up a youtube video and it was just jordan jensen jordan jensen and he was like i have to leave right now i have to go and he's like this woman is fucking me because she wants to that's bad that feels bad it's also there's like levels of fandom if somebody's like ah i love you and they're like shaking it's like that's such a breach of whatever but if someone's like uh yeah but also if somebody's like oh i i dig your stuff i i have seen you here and i like it then it's like oh cool that's i think that's fine if they see you at the cellar it's fine if they buy tickets to your show it's not how about that go ahead and say that again if they see you at the cellar on a showcase and they're like oh i dig that guy fine if they buy tickets to your show it's not if they paid for admission i don't think comparing it to prostitution or like sex work is fair so you meet gwyneth paltrow that's a bad example but like you meet uh i don't know what her pussy smells like i've gotten goop isn't that crazy yeah that's crazy um i believe i believe in the jade egg i'll say that right now the jade egg oh for real yeah have you used it no but i believe that if you hold something you put it in your vagina and it tightens your vagina leanne would you be interested in that i i don't know what you're talking okay you take a jade imagine a jade stone you put it in your vagina and then you have to hold it in there because it's trying to pull out because it's heavy it's like a reverse but that would make it tighter but everybody's yeah yeah it's like kegels but all day long yeah yeah yeah what's so bad about that with a piece of jade in my vagina what about a butt plug no really no that's fine oh i bought her a butt plug you did remember the one with the tail on it oh what's that supposed to do uh it loosens your butthole it oh it loosens it it loosens it hmm no it doesn't loosen it it makes it so that you push the poop in the butthole is more expandable and because the butthole is like a muscle it's a dilator tracks basically yeah what is that stuff this is going in the rice and right now it's kimchi rice with some spam and i'm just chopping it up this is gonna be fucking phenomenal all right let's get the rice ready oh this is gonna be really good guys yes i want a big bowl for the rice pineapple looks great the pineapple looks phenomenal what'd you put in the mushroom stuff uh mustard soy worcestershire onions garlic and if someone had a gun to your head could you spell worcestershire no worcestershire worcestershire is how it's more w-o-w-o-r-s-t-c-h-e-s-t-e-r-s-h-i-r-e exactly didn't even need a fucking gun to my head gun to my head - I have no idea that's how you spell it. - Fuck! - There's a lot of, I think I'd be more good with like sexual act with a gun to my head, then say spelling. Yeah. Spell this, I'd be like, can I just suck your dick? I've always thought it'd be fun to have a gun in the bedroom. Ooh. Yeah. Unloaded, fine. Unloaded in the mouth during an orgasm. Come on, yeah. Tony's got a sister? Oh, did she do that? What are you talking about, yeah. She did? Yeah, Richie April. Oh, that's right. Fuck her with a gun to her head. For real? Yeah, that's awesome. If I would, I'm saving the Sopranos. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. When are you saving the Sopranos for, like an injury? I'm saving heroin for that same, for old age. For real? Yeah, I'm gonna do heroin when I'm old. That's what Warren Zevon did, he knew he was gonna die and he just went on a prodigious bender. Now, was he a heroin guy before? I think everybody was back then. You dabbled. I think we're all heroin guys. Heroin's gotta be something. Yeah, I think if anyone does heroin, it's so good you become a heroin guy. Yeah, I don't think anyone's like, I don't know, it wasn't for me. I like something a little more active. Ooh. That's why you do people. Ketamine is really fucking up these kids, huh? Dude, everybody's on Ketamine. No, Kratom's done, I think. Oh, for real? Sorry. Kratom's like millennials doing that to get off heroin and then it gets them back on heroin and now they're all dead. But now Kratom, the kids are doing that. That's why you walk into a place and they have the, you know, have the Gen Z stare. Wait, did you, wait, Ketamine, Ketamine, Ketamine. Sorry, Ketamine. Where you walk into a place and order coffee and they just stare at you. I think that's Ketamine. Yeah. No, it's 'cause they're addicted to their phones. My neck and shoulder are fucked. I've spent one month on a mattress that was not my Midnight Luxe mattress and I've been miserable. Last night, I got in bed and I slept on my side in my Midnight Luxe mattress, provided to me by Helix, and I loved it. I loved it because it helps with my shoulder pain, my back pain. Helix has over 20 mattress models so you can find the perfect model for you. I took their two minute quiz and I found my mattress. I have, I have now four of those mattresses. I have four places I sleep. I no longer sleep in Leanne's room, but that was one. I have my own room, that's one. I got my tour bus, well, that burned down. That one's gone. Let me tell you, Helix delivers mattresses right to your door with free shipping in the US. It comes with 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty, but you're going to love this mattress. The Happy with Helix Guarantee means you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchange. The Happy with Helix Guarantee offers a risk-free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress, but you will be. And I'm telling you that because this is the only mattress I will sleep on, unless I'm at a hotel. This is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Listen, if you're having sleep problems right now, I can fix this. Go to helixsleep.com/bert for 20% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com/bert for 20% off site-wide. Make sure to enter our show's name after checkout so that they know that we sent you. That is helixsleep.com/bert. Wait, ketamine is kind of fucked up. I think it's fucked up. And it's, well, you know, we did it in college, but it was called cat tranquilizer. Horse tranquilizer, or was it cat? It was cat. It was cat tranquilizer. It was when the first time I ever heard of Special K. Special K is ketamine? Yeah. Wow. I had no idea. It's like finding out we went to high school with the same guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so that's Special K? Have you guys ever done salvia? No, there's no, for real? Oh my God, of course, you could get it for free. Oh my God. It was Alice in Wonderland drug. It makes your legs go long. Yeah, you used to be able to get it on like eBay or whatever, it was crazy. For real? We could get it at head shops. Yeah. It makes the room get tiny and you get really big. All we could get was poppers at head shops. You would do poppers? We could get bath salts at head shops. Yeah, poppers and-- Oh, poppers rip, dude. That's how you put in a butt plug. That loosens your anal muscles. You know I did poppers recently? Really? Yeah, I was at a wedding, and my gay friend just went like this and put the vial under my nose. Are you serious? Yeah, it was awesome. Poppers fucking rock. It was so fun. I know. There's burgers? Oh, that's what-- so this is rice, burger, pineapple, fried egg, and then this sauce. So we're almost-- we're getting close, but I still-- Have you always liked cooking? I love cooking. Really? Forever? It shuts my brain down. It's like porn on an airplane. Are you looking at a recipe right now? No, no, no. I've just had-- I've had this a lot. This is my favorite meal to get in Hawaii. So you're going off vibes and your heart? I'm pretty much going off adrenaline right now. Yeah. The, um-- What are you-- I'm just trying to create a table for the dog. I'm going to do burgers on here, but I need to probably get the-- Are they going to be smash burgers? Yes, kind of. Are you going to infuse them with cheese? I'm going to put cheese-- Let's go to Hawaii. Let's go on tour in Hawaii all together. It's a quick tour. That's fine. It's one island. Why don't we do that? Why don't we tour together more? Oh, you do do that. That's like your whole thing. Yeah, Ian and I are on the road all the time together. Yeah. I know, but-- Maybe it's you, Jordan. This is my-- This is my conspiracy I'm interested in. The doughnut-- doughnuts in LA? Oh, hold on. What is this? Hang on, did I tell you about this? No, I just found out. My friend talked about it yesterday. What? Hold on. You know how there are so many doughnut shops in LA that you're like, who's buying all these doughnuts? Yeah. There's a conspiracy. What? Something with Asians. So Mr. Doughnut is a Vietnamese guy. Yeah. He said, basically, come to this country. I'll get you a shop. I'm paraphrasing an entire documentary. Yeah. So he starts bringing over immigrants. But the rub is I'll get you-- it's like a pyramid scheme. I'll get you a shop, but you've got to buy my ingredients, my doughnuts, my this, my that, all my shit. I own the land. I own the building. You make doughnuts for me. Basically, they go in, they're getting fucked. Mr. Doughnut, it's a big documentary. OK. Allegedly. And that's why I ate so many doughnuts the past few days? What are we talking about? But why are there so many doughnut places? Parchment paper. Too many. It's the skinniest city in the world. I don't understand why there's so many doughnuts. Wait. Yeah, and someone will jam you. Because-- no, hang on. Can someone please Google Miss-- Sandra. Can you please come in here and explain this to the whites? Did you call her to Google or because she's Asian? She's Asian. Do you have any insight? Mr. Doughnut, Sandra. Mr. Doughnut, she's South-East Asian. I don't know. That's a good question. I'm really sorry that he called you. He called you in for your ethnicity. And I would like to say I condone that. Hold on, Sandra. You're more than just a Wikipedia for doughnuts based on your ancestry. Doughnuts and nails. Nail salons are another fucking rub. Oh, really? Like, well, yeah, you got to figure. Hold on. But is it, like, sex trafficking or anything cool? Or is it just like-- No. No. Cool? Ah! You can do a Thai massage if you want that. Oh, yeah. The Thai massage is fucked up. But why-- They hurt me so bad. So Mr. Doughnuts is they grab a Thai guy who knows how to do doughnuts real good. They stuff him in a shop. They say, I own everything. I make all the money. You get to stay alive. Is that basically it? No, no, no, no. There's no trafficking of people, allegedly. I've got to do allegedly on this. Then how is this-- What he basically did is he came into the '70s, and he started a doughnut shop. Then he goes into his village, goes home. They're like, goddammit, where'd you get all these rings and chains from? He goes, doughnuts, baby. And they're like, how do I get into doughnuts? He said, come to LA. I'll fucking hook you up. Now, he's an entrepreneurial dude. So he starts buying doughnut buildings and saying-- and writing doughnut on it. And then he goes, I'm going to make the dough. I'm going to make the jelly. That's why we have all the same jelly in LA. And then he says, come over to the country. I'll set you up. You can have your own doughnut shop. I'm going to own the land. I'm going to own all the-- I'm going to sell you all the doughnut goods. I'm going to sell you all the doughnut shit. So it's a pyramid scheme, ultimately, allegedly. Dude, that's exactly-- Yes, read it, read it. That's exactly how black tar heroin came into America from Nayarit, Mexico. The doughnut king-- OK. --followed the journey of Cambodians-- OK. --expect Eugene. Said-- I don't know how to say his last name. He arrived in California in the '70s and through a mixture of diligence and luck built a multi-million dollar doughnut empire up and down the West Coast. He escaped the regime in Cambodia. He started his first doughnut shop in Orange County. He sponsored hundreds of visas for incoming Cambodian refugees and offered them steady employment in his doughnut shop. OK, I was wrong about that. His version of the American dream, everything came crashing down. Why? Why? A story-- We're little kids. But why? What happened? What? What? I don't want to know. We both said that at the same time. And who gets access to the American dream? And what happens when you achieve it? The Doughnut King is also about how the American dream gets handed down and evolved from one generation to the next. The film includes the current generation of Cambodian doughnut shop owners and the way they have been inspired by and from their parents and grandparents before them. So-- How did it all come crashing down? Yeah. What's so bad about Doughnut Guy? I think it's the-- A teaser? Did you watch the documentary? I watched the documentary. I didn't watch it very good. I sent Sandra in because I was going to buy a doughnut shop because I have a buddy who started a croissant shop. He's a comedian. And then he started a croissant shop because-- You're talking about Tom? Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, fuck that. Doughnuts is where it's at. I've watched it. You guys are crazy with your fucking going back and forth like this. Yeah. And then I sent Sandra in to go talk to them. And Sandra comes out of the store on the phone and is like, they're fucking Cambodian, Bert. I was like, what's that mean? She's like, they don't-- I don't speak my language, I don't speak theirs. So, no, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, look at that. - What kind of place would you buy if you were like trying to hide your taxes like these guys are? - Car wash. - Oh, car wash? - Car wash? - Dude. - Or a laundromat. - Laundromat, arcade, anything cash. - Strip club. - Yeah, but you gotta hang out there, Ian. - Strip club. - You don't have to hang out at a car wash. - No, but I'm talking about-- - A self-serve car wash or like a larger car wash. - Mine would be an animal pet and feed supply where there'd be little chickens and fertilizer. - An animal? - I mean, I would like to retire to a house-- - Ace Hardware. - Hard state and have a sandwich shop. - Oh, I love this. - And be a volunteer firefighter in the town. - Wait, this sounds like a sitcom pitch. - Or live in a mountain town and work at a ski lodge and I can ski all the time. - These sound like '80s movies. - These are '80s movies. - I would like to get my friends who are scientists and we invent a paranormal elimination company. - Ghostbusters? - We get rid of ghosts and you-- - What? - This is Ghostbusters. - Was that Ghostbusters? - I would like to get a prostitute just for the week. - Tell me about a dream you had that's a movie and try to get me not to guess the movie, okay? - I've never had a dream that's a movie. - Tell me that you had a dream you had that, tell me, how about this? Describe a movie without getting me to guess the movie? Is that what you're trying to-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's gotta be a big movie that we all know. - But why does it have to be-- - I don't know, I don't know, never mind. Edit it out, edit it out. Listen, I shouldn't be fucking interviewing people. - Do not edit it out. - No, keep that, keep that. I don't know how you're talking and exaggerating while doing this. - I'm gonna describe a movie and you're gonna tell me if you can guess it, ready? - Okay, but hang on. You gotta describe it in the least amount of words. - I already know, okay, go. - Let's see who can describe a movie and people guess it in the least amount of words, okay? Man is special. - Forrest Gump. - Nope. - The Other Sister. - Man is very special. He's the specialist man. - Bruce Almighty. - No. He's the most special man. - Rain Man. - Spoons. What even are they? - Spoons. - Do they even exist? - Spoons. - Can you put more cheese on mine? - Yeah, I will. Spoons. - What? - Man is the most-- - He's the most special man and he knows that nothing is real. Come on. - What year? - Come on, how are you not guessing this? - Spoons. - He's the guy. He's the guy. And he knows nothing's real. And because of that, there is no spoon. - Being John Malkovich? - You guys, this is so easy. Can you guess, camera guy, what is it? - What? Willy Wonka? - Willy Wonka? - It's the Matrix, what's wrong? - It's the Matrix, thank you so much, sir. - No, no, no. I was gonna say the Matrix before you even started talking 'cause I know that's your favorite movie, but then you're like, there's spoons and a guy. And I'm like, what are you talking about? - I knew you were gonna say the Matrix and I was setting you up to win, so I said the most easy thing ever, which is there's a guy-- - About spoons? - He holds up a spoon and he goes, there is no spoon. And then it goes,. - I think you would've had to just see in the Matrix recently, to remember the spoon. - I watch it every day. - Okay. - Ready, this, you'll get this in a heartbeat. Same day over and over. - Oh, Grandma's Day, boom. - Okay, that's like me going, metal flowers. - Full metal jacket? - No, steel magnolias. - Oh yeah, okay, okay. - Metal, metal flowers. - Wait, I thought the goal was to say it in the least amount of words, so you guess it. - Yes. - Okay, that's good, let me think of another one. Parents died, fight crime. - Batman. - Thank you. - Yup. - Wow, okay, even less words, memory. - Memento. - Memento. - Yes. - Okay, okay, okay. Let's see if you can just do a noise, okay? - Okay, okay, okay. - Head ya, swing ya. - Ready, I got it. Duh. - Sling blade. - Oh, Jaws. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Fuck. - Sling blade. - Hey, huh. - Okay, let me think, let me just do a-- - Yeah. - Sling blade. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Let's do a noise. - I like them french fry tainters. - Oh, and what about a face, ready? - Oh, that's Batman. - The mask. - Joker. - Nope. - Joker. - The mask. - Liar, liar. - Joker? - Jim Carrey. - Yeah. - The mask. - Where he does this. - Ace Ventura. Stop making that face, man. - Come on. - You gotta cut out that face. - You should do that during sex. - I do it all the time. - She does. That's how she comes. Yeah. - It's terrible. The Grinch. - Yes. - Ah, the Grinch, ah. - What about a movement, ready? - Oh, what about this, ready? - Superman. - Yeah. - What about this, ready? This is a hard one, but for the real heads. - Oh, liar, liar. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Wow. - A goose. - This is turning into a pretty great game that we made fun of. - Ooh, what about this? - Remember how it started with you going, describe a dream you had that's like a movie, but don't talk about the dream, only the movie, but don't let me know what movie it is. - What about this? - That was how you opened this game. And then you went, no, it's stupid, it's stupid, it's stupid. - And then you said, I shouldn't be talking. - I don't know, I shouldn't even be here. - I shouldn't be alive. I should've died on that bus. - Why are we doing this? - I just, I just, I just, I should not interview anybody. There's no reason for me to. - Say a dream you had that's like a movie without saying the movie or the dream, go. - If you've had sex with someone, it's a me too. - What? - No! - My wife's face! - Wait, Jordan, do you drink? - No. - At all? - Zero. - God. - You miss it? - No. I miss, no. I can do mushrooms if I want. I don't really like being fucked up. I have, I get manic so I can have fun with my friends. - The most fun I've ever had. - I just heard someone was manic yesterday. - Who? Oh, was it Ian? 'Cause Ian was manic yesterday. - I wasn't manic yesterday. - I heard you were manic. - I was subdued. - No, Monday. - Just another manic Monday. - Who was manic Monday? - Look at, she's resting her head on you. - I know, it's nice. - The Bengals. - I wasn't. - She loves you even though you hate her. - I was like, subdued. - I love her. - These, this is gonna be the best loco moco. You were trying to fuck who? - No, I wasn't. - This is what I heard. - It was a joke. - This is what I heard is you made this joke and I was dying laughing and I wish you were there so I was laughing. - What happened? - You went like this to Allie. You went, she was like, I'm single now. And you're like, oh, will you have sex with me as a joke? And then Maddie was like, you don't want to have sex with me? And you go, I want to eat your pussy. Is that what you said? - Yeah. - That's joking. - Yeah, but it was funny. - Yeah. - I think you'd be shocked. - What? - I was having a conversation by myself. Sorry. - Yeah, no, she said she was single and I fake jumped over the table. - Who's single? - It was like a bit. - Who? - Wait, who was manic? - He was making a joke about the single. - It was-- - Oh, it was about the. - Yeah, he's manic depressive. And I've known him for a while. - Manic depression. - Oh, there was really a manic person? - Yeah. - Being manic rips. If you don't have hypomania, it's the best thing in the world. - I think I'm manic. - Yeah, you can get manic. - No, you wouldn't know. - Manic is when you're like, oh my God, I have this idea. We're gonna do this idea, it's gonna be the best. And then the next day you go, what the hell even was that? - Oh, you mean like every movie pitch I've ever had? - Yeah, yeah. - You ready for the one? - The college of FBI agents, within the first five minutes, are tracking ISIS and their van explodes, and they're left quadriplegics, and they have to find ISIS throughout the rest of the movie. It's called the Quad Squad. And it's just four dudes and what? What, it's four dudes that you don't like? - It's four dudes, it's four heads. It's four just heads basically, yeah. - Four heads, it's a lot of green screen. - Yeah. - So it's cheap to shoot. It's a light lift for every actor. - Yeah, 'cause they can't lift anything. - Easy days, you just sit in a chair all day. Not saying that being a quadriplegic's easy. - And Burt moves on to the next round. Who's getting canceled? - Wait, that still is a good show idea. - That's a good show. - Dude, one time-- - That's a post-apocalyptic show. - Oh my God, Burt, this is crazy. - You have to parallel park, but people, each time you parallel park, they put different things in the car, like bees or snakes or babies. - That's so, what is that? - He's like, you should shoot that. - Was that your idea? - No, it was a show idea Tal gave me. - That's a great idea. - Oh my God, that's so funny. - Like screaming babies, and you have to parallel park. - That's sick. - Or bees. - I don't have a show idea, I have an app idea. - Are you serious you don't have show ideas? - My app idea is you can't contact your ex unless you get three signatures, one of which can't be a homeless person. How good would that be? - By the way, I love that the women in here all laughed. They're like, that's a great idea. - I would need that app desperately. - Wouldn't that be amazing? - Yes. - If we just hit a button and you had to get three people to sign off on it. - No, you need their fingerprints or something, 'cause you could fake signatures. - I know, but then you know you would get three homeless people. - Like with a breathalyzer in your car, you can't get someone else to blow on it for you. - Yeah. No, my show ideas are literally, every time I describe the show and they go, "Hey, you're just describing Jackass." And I go, "Yeah, I love that show." - Yeah. - Okay, so my best friend puts me in a shopping cart. - Yeah. - Wait, hold on. What? - Wow. one time and into a movie studio and halfway through the guy goes are you pitching me jury duty by Pauly Shore oh my god I think I am rips and he goes it's one of my favorite movies oh I'm doing my first pitch tomorrow to Warner Brothers oh start it with us do with us no come on easiest way come on why I can help you I'm really good I can I'm really good at selling shows it's just a show about my family oh never mind yeah hard pass yeah yeah yeah that's how I feel that's what I'm gonna say when I go in there this isn't starting pitch by addressing them as sharks it's so funny sharks this looks fucking incredible this is crazy I got a picture this will be mine great oh wait we haven't even gotten the silence oh I want to smoke a cigarette before we eat all right do you want to do here Jordan hop in oh cool just make sure no I was in the background just going oh yeah it was great my hair up for this that rules guys Wow loco moco wow thank you loco fucking mocha what this is nine meals I know well this is supposed to eat this at once yeah yeah yeah it's it's by the way this is in Hawaii number one meal without a doubt number one I mean poke is like I think a staple of Hawaii but without a doubt this is okay okay is the number cuz there's always leftover tuna the tuna markets are all based all the tuna prices are based out of Hawaii which is really fascinating you can go to Hawaii you can go to the tuna market no so you can go to the tuna market they have them frozen they core them and you can see the purity of the tuna then they then they price them and then ship them out from there it's fucking amazing oh that's but I'm putting some salt on you want some salt I would love some salt salt yes please what is the brown goopy stuff it's a mustard gravy soy with a little you're gonna find a little bit of spice in it do you want your real knives I don't know the only way this could be more no this is very soft and the only way this could be more Hawaiian is if dog the bounty hunter came and just fucking punched me in the face is that the hardest I've ever laughed like in just like a giggle fest someone was like dog the bounty hunter is the most famous person Hawaii and I was with a woman who's her name she was an actress editor name out I was a she goes he's not the best representative of Hawaii so it's like huh she goes well he's just showing that he rests that everyone's gotten on meth here yeah just someone's like yeah but we get on TV yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's hilarious oh yeah holy shit pineapple wow wow wow and I have to cut up all my food before I eat it mmm wow wow wow this is very good I don't this is very good wow the burgers good I expect the burger to be I don't like eating hot so I tell you the tender do you cook at all I forgot no I air fry trout I need to tell you eat the key to a great burger yeah his panko bread comes you get 80% 20% get panko bread comes and put him in you don't even need to put an egg you can't you can't put an egg in but you don't but what it does it is absorbs the fat the bread does and it makes the the meat juicier Wow yeah party with Bobby Flay one night and all I talked to him about was food I think that's what and I was like I hope you know this doesn't bother you and he goes buddy this is my thing he likes that oh fuck it's like talking about comedy with us oh yeah but sometimes I can be a drag holy fuck yeah right I mean this is yeah Leanne the pioneer woman the pineapple with the Wow burn right and the cheese and the mushroom Wow Wow God I'm gonna go to Hawaii and meet a woman with a head injury where I have to explain to her every day who I am first I was just gonna say I was about to whisper you she's gonna say that's too big well I mean that's that's a truck yeah that's huge you guys have really stupid garbage trucks out here they pick up the trash and then they just throw it over the top of the truck what is that nearly hit my car we have the guy we have a man who makes a hundred thousand dollars a year yeah yeah yours grab it and then just chuck it in it clear do it for yourself Wow that's not bad it's a Hawaiian bite everything's bigger in Hawaii that's Texas I don't think they have big penises though in Hawaii imagine tiny flat feet yeah a lot of flat feet in Hawaii a lot of fun do you really can you can we take a you really have my feet yeah can I take a picture of you and my assistant's feets kissing yeah cuz he's got the flattest the cheese on this makes it the cheese makes it done it Wow it's a little spicy I'm a baby yeah no it's a little spicy I'm a baby yeah no spams both in there the kimchi is getting me but the spam is the banger dude mmm tell me an invention you wish you would come up with I got a big chunk of all an app that instead of tongue tells you the temperature it tells you the clothes you should wear that are appropriate for that temperature I love feel like spoke to you in coats how many times in New York do you prepare for a cold day and get down you're like that's I overdressed bro I've had to keep a log of what I wear with each weather type thing so I know that's iconic it's just hoodie it's just hoodie all year long I get chilly I had a day where I looked this is when I lived in New York and I also got to change what I wear when I ride my bike I looked down and I was like 33 degrees it's gonna be cold and it wasn't it was hot for some reason well here it's fucked and I put on a I put on a jacket with a hoodie yeah and a scarf and a beanie and I gloves and I got down I was sweating and that same day of a pigeon flew into my mouth what I look like you know no no it's just but no one saw it flying in my mouth I was on the corner of of of 6th and and bleaker and it just went like this and that's where to God that is where it flew up into my you had him fly up on you dude my mouth it flew into my mouth like I usually walk around with my mouth closed another day in the bag shining are you not a mouth breather no are you a mouth breather I try not to be wait hold on I'm a hardcore mouth breather like when I was a kid my dad would go two things close your fucking mouth and stop squinting I do this did you just need glasses yeah a guy yeah he took me he took me through a place at Mission Bell an ophthalmologist and he was like can you fix this what's he doing with his mouth he goes we call it his work face oh my God wait do I do my work face during sex oh Bert do you make noise I would now I do I was I was silent for a very long time so I wasn't comfortable in my own sexuality yeah like I was in I was always embarrassed sexuality or your own like my sexuality sexuality meaning like you were attracted to men no no I just wasn't as comfortable sharing it with people like in you weren't comfortable with your own like sex personhood like sexiness yeah yeah that's it's not gender choice sexuality is a thing I think I think meaning if you're not comfortable in your sexuality that means that you have I didn't want I didn't I desire for another sexuality I just what sexual me made me uncomfortable yeah same and so I was I would I was quiet and I was real I never tried anything I always was like very meat potatoes I didn't want them to say no cuz it was shut me down yeah and so like even like Leanne would say I'm trying to think of Leanne said something one time one time I said and she's right there so this is awkward but I said do you want me to tie you up and she went no and I was like okay no comment yeah yeah yeah all right never mind that was so fucking stupid to me to say why would I in the bedroom you said yeah I didn't know I didn't know we've been married for like for like 15 years and I you waited to be 15 years to be tie-up guy I've never tied her up today whoa yeah I've never tied her up get on in here old man but like I but if I am so I was the kid when they were like if a girl says no it means no I was like 100% well we just saw you do that when you pitch the whole dream idea and we were like what does that mean nothing I'm stupid and again I should never have done this show and I shouldn't even be here whose house is this I'm going home that's me that's me during sex yeah same I'm the same way yeah although I did pitch an idea the other day that worked very much where I said how about you say I hate you and that works yeah I said please tell me you hate me please and it was incredible I hate you the best thing that's ever happened hey do not say I hate you Leanne try it try saying it to her I'm not gonna say it to her say I don't mean you also here's a big one telling them not to come makes them come to oh yeah don't you dare come is way better than you have a fucking God damn it. Yeah, that's good. What the fuck are you doing? That's good. God, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, that's good. Oh, I'm going to shit the bed. Don't cum or I'll hate you. I'm going to throw up. You're cumming. Oh, God. Yeah, I think every man should say do not cum, not cum. For real? Yeah. Oh, the man says it to you? Yeah. I thought you'd say it to the man. No, it's too scary for a woman for you to be like, come, come for me. It doesn't work. Oh, the pressure is. It's too much pressure. If you say don't cum, that'll make us cum because we're kind of defiant, all of us. Oh, my God. Hold on one second. Every orgasm I've ever had, don't cum's been in my head. Right. That's right. Every orgasm is like, don't cum. Yeah. And then my brain goes, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I wonder if girls are like, don't cum yet. It's like fajitas. What? It's like fajitas. Shut up. Hang on. Let me finish. Hold on. Wait a second. I don't want to tie you up. That's weird. No, no, no. It's like fajitas and they go, hey, this plate's so hot, don't touch it. You go, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Wow. I do that every time with fajitas. Yeah. Every time. You're in a hibachi. I go, don't tell me what to do. Can I tell you, I love a good story. This is why I love, I'm not going to say comics names. I'm going to say it. Chris Gathard. You know Chris Gathard? Yeah. I love that sometimes he just has a story and there's one punchline and it's the end, right? Yeah. And I just love sometimes good stories out of life. And I remember the day I first saw fajitas and I was like, I was at Bennett. Finnegan's in Tampa on Dale Mabry and they brought out fajitas and whatever I did, I'm sure I had my work face on and I was like, and I looked at it and my dad just goes, you can fucking forget about it. Oh, really? And that explains me and my dad. I still search for his approval. Of course. Entirely. Like I'm defined by, that's why, you know, that's what got me up in this morning is I'm like, whatever we do as comics, sometimes we don't. Sometimes it's, I don't know, the broken part is the part you can see the other comics doing that you did also and you're like, don't do that. Don't do the broken part. Doesn't, opening for Chris Rock doesn't change your career. It doesn't help you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you need to be Chris Rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to be like, being in the cool circle, knowing, like I was always impressed by comics who like, like guys who knew Janine Garofalo and like knew the cool comics and I was like, God damn it. I wish. I knew cool comics and I didn't realize that wasn't the currency. The currency is being the cool comic. Yeah, totally. It's. And you're seeing them make the mistake and you want to tell them. I want to go like, just leave this room. There's nothing in this room gets you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This room has, is. Yeah, but also it's a thing of even when you get the thing in the room that you think is the thing, you're still going to be like, well now what? You know, like you need to find the thing inside you instead of like the thing external that you think will be like, yes, I've arrived. Because you're still always going to be like, well now what? Well now what? Well. I need, I need, I need. So wait, then here's a great question. So I was sitting the other day and I was like, I was like, I, there's always the conversation of how much do you need? When's enough enough? When can you just be fine with it? And then I went, well, what got me to where I am was it wasn't enough. Yeah. And that's part of my personality. It's not enough. I want to do bigger things. I want to, I want the approval of my father and the approval of my peers. That's paramount to me. But in order to do that, I've got to do crazy. Big things. I think that's animal behavior. I think that's how animals live. It's like, we don't have a saber tooth tiger. Therefore, we're not like running from predators. Therefore, our predator is our own life and we just have to keep churning shit out. You can't retire because as soon as you retire, you die. We know that. Was there a moment when your special dropped where you sat and you were like, no, I didn't even finish and you were not even for a second. Really? Do you feel there was a moment where I was like, take it in, take it in. This is really awesome. You've earned this. And it's like, I just was like, it's not. I'm sitting here. I'm ready for the feeling of gratitude and, like, pride in myself. And I was like, I got nothing. I got nothing. I was just like, you're going to fuck it up. You have to do this. You got to prepare for that. Yeah, I never have that. I talked to Robbie Hoffman about that because she's like, look at. Wait, do you know her? Yeah. That's funny. She doesn't know you. Yeah, I know. You know that's real. Do you know it's 100% real? Nobody. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. I'm so disheartened by our business right now. Are you really down? Are you really down about it? I would never be a comic if I started today. I would absolutely never do it. It's bumming you out about the apathetic children being, like, too cool for school kind of stuff? Crowdwork, too many comics. Comics don't know older comics, so they don't care about creating new content. It's the whole do perfect stealing from Lil Sass of, like, well, it doesn't matter. My fans don't know who that guy is, so I'll just create that content. Comics are doing other comics jokes that are older, and they're like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know that guy. And my fans don't know that guy, so it doesn't matter. And you're like, but hang on. A lot. Almost everyone. This scares me. What? This. Because you're, like, worked up over this, and I'm like, oh, my God. It never goes away. He is happy, though. You're happy. The happiest you'll ever find someone. However, I'm not. I'm always going to strive for more or the thing, or I'm never going to not analyze life. I'm never going to walk into a room and go, ah, cool, a bunch of celebrities. I'm going to walk into a room and go, a bunch of celebrities. Wait, what is this? Why is there a line to get into a room? You know, it's like, I'm not going to. He's never going to be a guy who goes, live and let live, brother. That's not. You don't want to be that guy. I'm never going to be the guy that goes, 15-year-old Chinese whiskey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Had it, man. Changed your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Like, I'm never going to stop drinking and not analyze sobriety. I'm not going to be the guy that goes, that's it, man. Wasn't for me. Yeah. I'm going to fucking. Yeah, get in on it. I'm smarter than the system in my head. Yeah. Totally. But that's what makes you a comic. You're never going to escape that. I guess in a way. You're going to have a landlord come over to your big house that you love, and he's going to do some shit, and you're going to be like. That's funny that you're like, you're still going to rent a really big house. I mean. You're never going to own a home. You're going to be the oldest landlord. The landlord's going to come in and go, yeah. Your caretaker's going to come over, the one who has the white dress. Yeah, only when the rent-a-center comes over to the couch you rented, because. Here's why, here's why. Your social worker's going to stop in. This is the rub, right? We're all in this job because we're both. We're both broken, and the thing that fixes us is being on stage and creating. My frustration is the people that got into the job because they wanted to be famous, and they just wanted the money, and it's like I could have been an influencer or a podcaster or sold shoes. Bert, you can't manufacture laughter, though. If people are laughing and selling tickets, it's out of your hands. Oh. Oh, bullshit. Why? Wait, hold on. Okay. Wait, hold on. I'm not going to shit on comics. Who's the guy? Okay, I'm going to edit this out. Who's the guy with the. Oh, it's fucking horrific. Yeah, people go see him. It's horrific. You know what else is horrific? Who's a band that's bad? That band. Oh, the Chainsmokers. Yeah. Wait, for real? Yeah. But there are bad bands. There's bad music. There are country music being like, Zach Bryan is a sellout piece of shit who uses three chords. I don't feel this way. I love you so much, Zach. Please fuck me. Just clip that out. Please fuck me. There are people who are like, Zach Bryan is a fucking sellout. He undersold, blah, blah, blah. There are people who think turnstiles. We have buddies that are like, turnstile fuck. Like, everybody's like, this is fucking da, da, da, da, da. Yeah. But if people are paying tickets, somebody likes. Oh, yeah. Somebody likes. I guess, what am I saying? What am I saying? Some people like spicy. Some people don't like spicy. Yeah. There's. What am I doing? There's a flavor for everybody. Except not for me. Yeah. But spicy's obviously superior, and we are correct, but. I guess I just. If you don't like spicy, something's wrong. I guess what I'm just saying is I want a family. How can that guy be selling tickets? Let me have a little coffee. How can that guy be selling tickets if he's not good? He's not good to us. He's not good to us. But he's not paying those people. It's subjective. There are so many f***s in this world. I stood at the store last night and looked out on full lobotomized bros that when I brought up period blood got upset with me. Like. In their defense. Gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, brother. But like, there's no curiosity. There's no like, what is she about to say? They're just idiot bros who want a guy to get up there and be like, fuck, you know. We're living in the easiest time to be alive with the dumbest. The dumbest people in the historical society. Like, cavemen could figure out fire and f***ing hieroglyphics and f***ing people can't go ten feet without being tethered to a f***ing device. Everybody's f***ing stupid. They have the attention span of a gnat. Everything f***ing sucks. I want to f***ing die every single day. No, it's all fine. Everything's fine. It's going to be good. Everything's good. The only problem is the internet is making you oversaturated so that now, here's my issue with it. Everything's so oversaturated that you can choose your avatar. You can be like. Okay, Burt Kreischer is exactly my avatar. I'm just like him. I love my daughters. We're the same guy. And then Burt says something maybe a little different than what they think and they go, hey, f*** that guy. Whereas before, say there were five comics, you'd be like, obviously they're going to say different things than me. But people can just choose which comic is exactly them because there's so many of us that then if we deviate a little bit, their hearts are broken. You know? That's it. Yeah. That's it. And that sucks. There's too many of us. We need like an average. Ethnic cleansing. This has been a great episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you win. Canceled. New show coming to Fox. Right after the Masked Singer. I love you guys to death. I really do. And I love that I don't have to pretend to be anyone else around you guys. Yeah. And that makes me feel very, very proud that I am a comedian. Yeah. And that you guys are comedians. Hell yeah. I appreciate you taking me on the road and our conversations on the bus. Always like you let me push back and then you change my idea or you go, oh, I didn't think of that way. Like I love conversations. I love the conversation. I love the fucking. And I think making a meal for friends is such a wonderful love language. and yeah this is a great idea this is really wonderful thank you thank you just keep fueling while we get into philosophy it's the best and just keep hounding it down i don't think there's anything better there's nothing better than food and debate i food debate and friends are we greek and we're not what are we greek what are we greek this episode was brought to you by the machine