Something’s Burning: Are You Garbage, Greg Louganis, and a Sourdough Scam | S7 E12

- I remember the first time we went on the road with you, we did Vegas and then, like, lock him up. - Oh, that was, we went to Vegas. - That's a robly. - Yeah, we went to the strip club in Vegas. - I saw you just telling that story somewhere. And I was like, if he, I was like, one, I would be totally okay if you dropped our names. - Yeah. - And he didn't. And I was like, I respect the confidentiality of that. - Well, I didn't remember you guys were there, but. (laughing) - Hey! ♪ Something's burning, something's burning ♪ ♪ Something's burning ♪ - Permission to party world tours in full swing. Avoid scalpers who go to Berberberg.com to get your lowest price tickets. (upbeat music) - Did I already have the blood clot when I did it? - Yeah, you just had it. - Oh. - You don't think I have to worry about blood clots? - Yeah, what do you want to talk to? - You're not talking to fucking Michael Phelps over here. - Yeah. - You two beacons of health. - You're like, oh, Phelps. - Young kids like you, huh? - Is Michael Phelps gonna be, who's, who's my guy? Who's the swimmer, Eric Spitz? - Eric Spitz. - I was a Greg Luganis guy. - Do you know Greg Luganis kicked me off a TV show? - They're like forest gums. - Why? - I am sometimes. (laughing) - I'm still drank. - And that's all I had to say about that. - I had six Dr. Pepper's and Greg Luganis kicked me out to show. - Do you ever hear about how they sold forest gums? Shortest pitch in Hollywood history. Is the movie about a lucky (beep) - Like, I'm in. (laughing) - Cut it, bring it. - I have a, do you have a little bit of a drunk forest gump about me? - Not a little bit. Every name I've mentioned, you go, you know what, that guy, he cobbles my shoes or whatever. - You want to hear something really crazy? Greg Luganis, is he still alive? - No, yes, yes. - Greg Luganis thought I was flirting with him. - Nice. - And then he asked someone, what's his deal? And, and. - There's a lot of go. - By the way, I think it was me, Theo and Amy were on the chopping block and Greg Luganis found out I was married and I was in gay. I was flirting with him the whole time. - What show was this? - Service TV show. - Huh. - Something. - Was it Malcolm in the middle, huh? - What was the? - Reality Bites. - Reality Bites back. - Huh. - And, and we're all in this thing. They added this out and Greg Luganis goes, he's got a, he doesn't even like cut to the, well, you were good, still, you were good, Amy were good. He goes, Bert, I understand you're married. And I went, yeah. And he goes, so you think it's funny, flirting with a man when you have no intention to follow through? - What the fuck? - And I went, you have AIDS. (laughing) - How they cut that from the NBC, the National Brook is. Nobody? - Did he know he had it at the time, or did you break the news don't like that? (laughing) What? - They corrected me, it's HIV. (laughing) - You don't last that long once you get AIDS. - I got kicked off. (laughing) After that line, they're like, - What the fuck? - Amy Theomo, you guys can leave, Bert. And then I was like, and then, and then it was the lowest part in my career. The lowest part in my career is, I then get, I'm sure you can find the video, plug it in, if you can. I get naked, I get fully naked, get on a boardroom table, dry hump, Michael and Black's face with my cock. And then I do a backspin and stick it. And then thank God, Michael and Black laughed, and they played it. But I went home and I didn't know if they were gonna play him laughing, it just mean humping. And I laid in bed and I was like, I have two children. I just ruined my career. I ruined it. I was in Pittsburgh. It's amazing the little things, like when you're own anxieties, I was in Pittsburgh the night that episode aired. And I called Amy Schumer. And I said, how's my episode? She goes, it's funny. And I went for real and she goes, they made it really funny. They played music, it was silent. There was no music. It was just me, dry humping his face in silence. I have anxiety right now. What's the closest you felt to you come to ruining your career? Like, have you guys ever. - I could take that one. - Oh yeah, we've dubbed it the worst summer ever that's almost into its second summer. That's about three months ago. Wait, what? I think about you. - I think the kids call it a crash out. - Wait, what was your crash out? - Huh? - Wait, wait. - It wasn't tick tacks. Drugs. - Oh, that's right. Oh, I remember that. - Yeah. That's fucking hysterical. - You know, we don't have a career that can be this, that's necessarily ruined. - Hold on, what are they gonna say? - We can't, YouTube gonna call him so you can't do AYG anymore? - Hey, Dahmer, what are you feeding us here? - Yeah, what the hell is that? - This is liver. - All right, we're making. - We're making. - Chicken liver, a beef liver. - Chicken. - No. - Chicken liver. - Chicken livers? - Yeah. - Like, Samu's Romanian downtown. - Yeah. - They do it at the table. - Dude. - I gotta be honest with ya. - I'm out. - I said I would eat it, but that looks gross. - Do you remember when I made you guys last time? - Yeah, that was good. - No, haggis. - Haggis. - Yeah, it was good. - Kind of a can, this is nice. - I can't imagine this is gonna be good. - Whatever happened to the liver king? - Do you remember when he like went to jail? - He crashed out. - He was a crash out. - Yeah. - That was a crash out. - Holy to the same thing. (laughing) - Where are ya? - Crawling through the four seasons. - Shot of a Bill Mars house, screaming. (laughing) - Do you guys have any sell out potential? Like, would you guys sell out entirely? - What the fuck are you talking about? - What do you get in June 1? - What do you need me to sell the windshield? Are you crazy? - I'm gonna fight. - What do you mean? - What are you talking about? - Yeah. - Really? - Oh yeah, dude, we're begging people. - Yeah. - I need this. So no, go X-I. - And it made it serious. - Bill, of course. - Let's fucking go. - Pitch me, the are you garbage movie? Quick. There's a movie guy watching right now that it's like, fuck yeah, I'll do the movie. What is it? - C-I-A. - Both of us. - Really? - We're in love. - Okay. - We met at a wedding. - Okay. - We're working an Ikea undercover. - That sucks. - I'm not working an Ikea, even in a fucking movie, dude. - I'm fucking thought I can't. - Yeah. - Oh, the Gleben Glorben. Yeah, it's to your left. I can't pronounce it. - Gleben Glorben. You ever see the guy that shot the movie? And Ikea? - And Ikea, yeah. - Yeah, that was kind of great. - Yeah, that's awesome. - It was also to do the shot a movie in Disney World. He got busted too. - Yeah. - Oh, shot a Disney World under cover. - Oh, wow. We're frying some chicken livers. What are you doing? - I'm frying chicken. I made bail on these chicken livers. 'Cause I don't think they look good. I made bail on the chicken livers and just make the sandwiches. - Yeah. - Yep. - Fuck. - Oh, then we can talk. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Let's fry a couple to taste. - I'd be down. - To see, 'cause I want to taste them, but I don't think they're gonna be what I thought they were gonna be. - It looks like you're gonna go fishing for catfish or something. - Does, right? - I'll be honest with you, I'm a liver guy. - Are you really? - Fuck yeah. - My liver enzymes were good for the first time. Have you gotten blood work since you guys? - Oh yeah. - I mean, I just went and got a crazy panel. I did like a longevity. - Oh, wait, where, where, where, what longevity place? - It's called extension health. It's one Chrissy D and Mateo. It's like a bunch of-- - Oh, but your hair's gonna beltish shot. Shoot that. - So I went, I went. - What do you mean? - Smallest penis from my head. - No. - Mateo's hair is beautiful. - Yeah, but that's, he got a-- - He got a turkey. - No, he did it in New York. Yeah, yeah, he got a, that's like 40 grand. - Yeah, he really dished in the gas on the show. - Yeah, what the fuck dude? - It's become fucking me. Have you heard about so and so? I heard the shows only have sold out. (laughing) - And did you see what he was wearing? - You're getting everybody's dicking counts. - No, and I just got it back this morning and I opened it up. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. - I haven't been to the doctor yet. - No, let's pull up your blood work. - Yeah, pulling up, hey, grab my blood work, grab my blood work, pull up my blood work. - Your blood work? - I got my black hair in my blood work around with me. - He's like, I heard a man's dog. - He's dating great movies, he needs to. He got just done it in urgent care. (laughing) - That was a nice guy. - Yeah, so my doctor's appointments when I get back, so I don't-- - Wait, you don't, what were the red numbers? - I don't know, man, I looked at it and-- - Librarians times all you give a fuck about. - I think the liver was okay. - That's all you care about. Don't worry about anything else. Everything else is, once the liver's bad, and you not having been partying, that's when you're like, fuck. - That's bad, okay. - You know what sucks about today though? - What? - Not today specifically. (laughing) - These chicken livers about being honest with you. - Is, like I have my chart, you know what my chart is? You guys have my chart out here? - Oh no. - It's just like a fucking salt, like a program you log in to do to get your stuff. - Yeah, so I get all my blood work done. - It was like my gym, like-- - It's not like Windows 95 or something. - You guys got one. - You guys have my chart? (laughing) - It's not. - So they post your numbers, but then the doctor don't see 'em until I get a couple of days, then he reviews them. But I can see them right away. - Yeah. - So I'm looking like fuck, that ain't good. This ain't good. - I'm interpreting shit. - At one point, he had anybody that works for us we're in the studio. He's got like interns, and he's got his checksets raised up. Going, does this look bad? I'm like, it's really, it's really, it's really bad. He goes, this looks like a shadow. I'm like, meanwhile he's chain smoking on the fire. I've had like five chest steps raised in the last two years. - So wait, I just wouldn't say I won it. - I had a chest infection one time and they came in and they were like, we're gonna do a chest x-ray and I was like, cool, and he did it. And then the guy who takes it can't really diagnose it. - Yeah, they're not allowed to. - I may know though. - I gotta work around for that. - Yeah, and everybody that works for you. - Go ahead. - What do you hear your work grow? - He just go, you know, listen. - He thinks he has so many workarounds nice thing. - No, I go, listen, I know the deal. You can't tell me. - I'm not even up 20. - You got change? Can you break your 20, guy? (laughing) - Give me the real feeling. - Can I think that that's the thing with me? - No, you just pull him aside and you'll listen, I know you can't say nothing, but I'm just asking, if I was you, would you be worried? That's what I say to him. - He thinks this, he thinks he's cracked, it does. - It does. - No, what do you think? - It does, 'cause the guy's like, no, you'll be all right. But I can't say nothing specifically. And I just don't want to ruin the weekend. (laughing) - It's crazy. - I was just imagining some Filipino in-shape nurse dude going and pulling us. - Can I talk to you for a second? - No, in the safe room where you take the X-ray. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, if I was you, would I be worried? And all the nerves in the safe room. - Yeah, if I was 400 pounds, yeah, I'd be a little worried. (laughing) I'd be a little worried about a while. - No, he doesn't say anything, look what I'm telling you. - No, you're fine. - Me, what, he's fucking James smoking? - Yeah. - Yeah, I always do that stuff, and I push him. - He got to. - I'm not waiting around for that shit. - He's also, he's told all of our listeners, he's got a trick. If you're at the ER and you want to get seen, he'd go up to the front desk and tell him you're gonna faint. - Yeah. - So then like hundreds of people have tried this and they hope they all get in trouble. They like, Folly's moved, they didn't work. Folly's moved. - Yeah, you say you're gonna pass out. - Real? - Yeah, they gotta take you right away 'cause they can't even fall in the way. - But when they find out you're in there, they check your blood pressure as they find out you're not gonna pass out and they go, I just go sit back there. - I'm listening. - We took, we took Tom in when Tom got his, Tom got his leg. - Yeah, our leg and arm. And Tom was not in a good place and he was not giggling and he was not fun and he had given up and he had given up. He had checked himself out of a hospital and we took him back to his, it was bad. So I'd, I wake up, fucking crack a dawn. Is what a best friend does, I go down to his house, I get him into this van that's gonna take. - Sounds pretty horrible. - It was so funny, it was so funny. 'Cause I know there's things Tom doesn't like and the guy has a ponytail and he's smoking out the window. It's COVID, he's smoking out the window and he goes, so what do you guys do for a living? I go, we're comedians, Tom, tell him a joke and Tom's in a wheelchair like. - I'm gonna fucking kill you. - Yeah, and so he's like, would I know you guys and I go, well he's bigger than I am. You might know him, Tom, tell him the name of your specials and Tom's like, so we get Tom into the place and he is melting down. - What's the place? - The Cedar Sinai is the peak of COVID, the peak and they go, it's gonna be about a four to five hour wait and I watch Tom deflate and he's-- - Oh, fuck up like that, but that kind of pain? You told me he's gonna pass out. - And he's like, no, I go, do you want me to fix this? And he goes, what? I said, do you want me to fix this? And he goes, yeah, and I drop my mask and I start looking for a guy that recognizes me and I go and this guy in this nurse goes, lowers his mask and says, someone has ever, and they walked us into a room and Tom goes, what did you do? And I go, I got this wrecking mess. - Yeah, there you go. - And then the guy got us in the room, he goes, what the fuck happened? And when I was like, we were playing basketball yesterday, he's like, shut the fuck up. And he was like, why did he play a car on the floor? - He goes, why would this guy, he goes, why would this guy play basketball? And Tom's like, what? And he goes, I mean, look at you. - Jesus. - And so, Tom's like, normally, Tom's not one of those like guys to ever try to use fame for bad and he was like, thank you so much. Got him a room, gave him my, I had brought a charger 'cause I had planned on it being a long day. I brought chargers and headsets. I sat with him for like three hours. And they're like, and they said he's gonna be here for a few days. He's gonna go into surgery in a little bit. And they're like, you can leave. And Tom's like, he's like, you can leave. And I go, here's my headsets of my charger and Tom looked and he goes, you know, I'm not sure I would have done this for you. - No, I don't like you very much. - I go, I know. - God damn. - I felt like how hurt was like, he basically saved his life. He got him a van with a guy smoking. - Yeah. - Put him on a spot later. - We start telling jokes. - Yup. - Got him into a ER where you almost got kicked out of 'cause you took your mask off. - Yup. - And then you left him your old headphones and dipped. - Brand new headphones and a charger. The two most valuable things you can have in a hospital. - Yeah. - I'll give you that 'cause I was in a house when my phone was diagnosed in the ER and I'm like, in, in fucking Washington Heights in the Columbia, it's like, you're like, - What is this? I didn't know about this. - It's on the stairs. Am I, you know, call me? - My insides were hurt, remember? - How'd you fall down the stairs? - He's drunk. - Really? - No. - No, I don't even think I was drinking, but I was, I was in Germany, weren't you? - I was in Germany, I was at my in-laws house and they have like, you know, a real steep set of stairs from like, they're like, add it down and I just fucking, from the top, dude. And fell down and as I was falling, I hit the light switch on the wall. So when I landed, I landed in all blood. I thought I was dead. And I was just laying there and I couldn't move. - Are you serious? - He was going down to get schnitzel in the middle of the night. Dude, they literally thought I fucking was dead. - Landed and hit that, that life track button they had. (laughing) - Everything started moving real fast. - This is really frightening. - So I had to go to the hospital. But you're in there, dude, you're in a fucking New York City hospital. Emergency room like next to people, handcuffed to the bed and shit. It's like, it's bad. And my phone died. And I'm like, can I get a charger? They're like, what? - Can I get a charger? They're like, get the fuck out of here. - Wait, so what happened? - Nothing. They give me, they do like an ultrasound. And shit, I was drinking a lot too. I was drinking a lot. - It was heavy, too. - I was fat. - It was drinking a lot. And uh. - Have you ever gone to the hospital and been excited when they took your blood pressure? - No, I don't go. I don't go to the hospital that much. - I'm like an eye doctor. I'm cool with an eye doctor. - That's not me. - Why? - I knew a dude that got eye cancer. - He found out at the ophthalmologist. - Oh, that sucks. What the puff were you looking at the house on the hill? - What? - You know what I'm talking about? - No. - The test where you look at the house on the hill and they shoot a puff in your eye? - Oh, yeah. That's where they found out. - Yeah, fuck that. - I never had an eye doctor. - I died right after. - He what? - Yeah. Once it gets in your eye, you're fucked. So that's why I'm afraid of the eye doctor. - Hmm. I'm afraid of any doctor. I'm not sure these were done. - There's no way they're done. - That's quick. - Magic spoon. This is something you can actually feel good about eating. 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And if you haven't tried them yet, check out their magic spoon treats, a high protein, low sugar take on the cereal bars you grew up with. You can get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com/burning. That's magicspoon.com/burning for $5 off. - Can I ask a question? Yeah, what are we making here? - I got sandwiches for you. I got bread from the oldest bakery in all of the United States of America. It is the oldest sourdough starter in our country, 175 years old. - Can I tell you about a crack squad guy that we both share named Kyle Schaper? - Of course. - Shout out to Kyle. - Shout out to him. - Well, you're not gonna like the way this goes. (laughing) - Not a big fan if I'm being honest with you. - I love you, buddy. - He, I tell him about this. I go, there's the oldest starter in the United States. The San Francisco, they call them mothers, the starter. - Yeah, they like break it, they keep, and it just keeps regenerating. - They keep it a lot. - For 175 years, you're gonna about to taste that bread. It's phenomenal. And I tell Kyle. - Tell the whole speaker of anything you say about this? - Yeah, that's, it's a sourdough starter. - That's thinking in Japan, they have the ramen broth that go in for like 70 years. - Yes, yes. I fucking love, I didn't know about that, but yes. (laughing) - Hey, you would have nagasaki bowl. - And so, I tell Kyle, I go, hey, I tell him about this. We're in San Francisco. I go, I gotta go to work for Netflix. Can you do me a huge favor, you know? We work with you. the other Kyle. I tell him about the oldest starter in all of San Francisco. Can you get me some sourdough bread so I can give it to my daughters so they can take it back to school with them. And he goes, "Not a problem boss." And he comes back with six loaves, kills it, bring it home, send it to my girls. How is the bread? They're like, "Not bad." "Oh, it's fucking starter in America." Not bad? Yeah. And they're like, "No, it's good. Just, you know, whatever." So the other day we're in San Francisco. And I think we're going to go get some of that bread and he goes, "Nice. We get there and Kyle goes, "What is this place?" I got it at the Whole Foods. I was at an H.E.B. We got it at a fucking Whole Foods. Yeah, you're a fucking. He goes, "This is not where I went." Jesus Christ. That's okay. A little hotter than I thought it would be. What is that? A lot crucian? Yeah. Nice. You got to put, you got to put those cutting board too. Yeah. I ruined one of those. You ruined? Yeah, I put it on top of the dishwasher. And it got warped. Oh, oh, from the steam? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Mm-hmm. There's like 500 bucks. They're great though. There's so many other ways the guy like you and me could ruin a cutting board. Look, I thought the steak went in further. I don't know. I just started eating the wood. I was cutting up one of my G.I.J.'s on it. Nothing on that? All right. Oh, G.I.J.'s dated. Yeah. Come on, get with the times there. Yeah, really? Did you play with toys with the kid? Yeah. Look at you have. You want 10 years and five years older than me? I would stretch Armstrong. Somebody just gave me one of his show. I love it. Oh, I take it with me everywhere. Mm-hmm. Yeah, rules. Stretch Armstrong. He's got to get guys wherever we go. What should you pull his pants down? I didn't, I remember that. Yeah, go, go, go, but. G.I.J.'o, I had a, um, I was really obsessed with Sasquatch. Sasquatch is really big in my day. Sasquatch just did generic or was it a show or something or is it just the idea of Sasquatch? The idea of Sasquatch when I was a kid. There was something. There were, no, he was on, he was on everything. He was on the six million dollar man. I had one of those. He was great. Six million dollar man. Now it's funny to think six million dollar man. Isn't that crazy? That's still pretty good in my book. No, but no, but six, no, no. It's a $75,000 man right here. Well, what's crazy is Elon Musk is making, he's making uh robots for 20 grand. You get a robot for 20 grand of robot. Like they got the walking guys? Yeah, and they come in your house and they're like, hello, Bert. I don't know if they do that. That fucked up ass voice. I like a good one. I don't want that guy. Bert. I don't want an immigrant robot. Oh, that would be funny. Speaking broken ass English. You're playing in a car. They're like, what color would you like? You're like, well, I'll do white. Yeah. White or the white. Can we get a British accent at least? What's the robot going to do? I don't know. Hey, Google what those robots do, Kyle. How much do you want to bet? He's like, here we go for this. So you guys really enjoyed working with Kyle. Yeah. Kyle was, um, we met Kyle on tour with you. Yes. Uh, and what can I tell you? One of the coolest things that ever happened is you guys, and I'm just saying this from like, just businessmen to businessmen, you guys called and asked, would it be cool if we reset the Kyle. So obviously able to work with us on tour, stuff when you're fucking. There's a lot of people that don't do that. And they just steal people and you're like, Oh, I didn't mind. But at the same time, it was cool. And then Kyle reached out and say, it's a cool, uh, it was like, fuck yeah. I'm glad it worked out. And this part of the reason I'm working with Kyle is because you guys had stellar reviews. Yeah. Well, yeah, he was working with you and then we needed him. We needed a tour tour guide. Tour manager for the route. We were did Route 66 on a bus. And I knew, you know, we had seen him operate and stuff like that. So, but it's so funny how little you guys learned about him. What do you mean? Yeah. Like it break a bacon every day. That's all I needed to know. I know. It tells me it told me so much about you too. Because your dynamic was you guys working together and the, and the, and the, the yang and yang that is your creativity and your partnership and your frustrations at times, smoking at an Airbnb and then getting punished for it. And then that you guys really missed bringing up all. We just got past that fucking guy. I heard Henry was smoking at the Airbnb more than I think of that picture so much. I mean, we were just talking about it. Josh Potter has my favorite thing in the world. We showed it to him. We were there the night. He was, we were at the store. And I'm going back and forth with the fucking guy. I'm like, dude, we did not smoke there. And he's like, I'm like, Holy, did you fucking smoke in the property? He goes, no. So I do, I open up the bylaws. And I'm like, I heard the rental agreement paragraph three. I'm like, I'm like nine beers deep. I'm humming. I'm like, I'm going to fuck. I got nothing but time. And then I go, we did not smoke in the property. This, you can't evict us. Here you go. And then he just sent that picture back. You can plug it in. And it's fucking him at like, not his smallest, just fucking ripping a butt in the driveway. It's not so great. And Josh Potter goes, that can be anybody. Obesity's an epidemic in this country. It was fascinating to me that you didn't catch any of the, the kylisms that we all catch now. Yeah. It was, I mean, it was like a two-week and we were like really running and gunning. It was, you know, there was a lot going on. Yeah, there was a lot going on in your tour. There must have been the fact that you wouldn't notice that he thought all shoes were called chucks. What? What are you from? That's crazy. What are you from Pleasantville? He might be a robot. The fact that you never knew he was homeschooled. Yeah. The fact that, I mean, there's so much about him to unpack that if you spend a little time with him, like he never knows the right word. Like he never knows the right word. And he goes, he goes, we're going to the theater, we're going to take an entrance where it's going to be a little more incogn, no, what did he say? Non shelon. And I go, there's a non shelon. And he's like, what are you just, oh, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'll go in. Maybe I won't. What casual? The day he picked up my, my Birkenstocks and he goes, I grabbed your chucks. I went, what? And he goes chucks. I went, what? And he goes, nothing. And I went, wait, what do you have? And he goes, nothing, I don't know what I'm doing. And I went, what is in your hand right now? He goes, it's his shoe. I said, what did you just call it? I know these are Birkenstocks. And I went, no, no, no, you call it a chuck. And he went, oh, I didn't. And I went, wait, because you're homeschooled, you think all shoes are called chucks because you didn't live in a locker room to know that their chuck tailors, he goes, who's chuck Taylor? And I went, and he goes, I know what, I know what it is. I know what it is. I'm like, oh, I just had a slip of the tongue. I don't know if these, you know, we're going to leave these here. You know what? I'm not really in love with these. Here, take a video of that. They, you didn't really good though. It looks good, but they're pushy, mushy, yeah. Yeah, they should be, they should be, they look a little nonchalant if he has me. It's like, should we, should we, what's, how, how do you know if it's done? I don't know. I'll try a little piece of that. Give me like a, are you serious? No way. I mean, oh, it looks cooked. That's cooked. Well, you got to try one too. There you go. All right. Oh, I like, I like, I like, I like, that's a fucking rope, but dope. You just didn't fuck that down with the shift dude. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's done. Those are done. Thank you. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm pretty good. I mean, pretty free. It's mostly fra, you're tasting fried. Yeah, yeah, but the texture of livers pretty good. Very good. I mean, the first time I ever had liver. That's actually not that bad. What was the sauce? No, I'm asking if you want one there. No, I mean, no, you know what? I'm glad we did it, but I'm not living on it. Yeah. That's a home run. It's good. That's not bad here. We should do that real quick. That's not really not bad at all. Yeah, but outside for the coyotes. It goes on a snack on this. I'll eat them. That's really fucking good. Good. You're a pate and foie gras man, right? Hardcore. Man, hardcore. I got a problem with it. I got, can I tell you? For a while, I was getting into the grocery store. That's how hooked that was on it. Would you, would it be a deal breaker for girls said to you, listen, you can't order a meal. You can't order pate. You can't order foie gras. I can't allow it. What kind of sauce do you want? I don't know. I fridge is fucking huge. I don't even know. They made fridges that big. This is better than our home fridge, in my opinion. That's crazy. This is, I love this fucking fridge. What do you do for a living? Can I tell you? I don't know anymore. I used to think it was comedy and then I see people do it and I go, that's not what I do. Like, I was saying this earlier, be real. Do you think you'd get to the first round of funny AF? Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't gotten there. I'm not even fucking around. And I'm not saying anything shitty. I really, of course. I'm, what I'm saying is I think I don't think I do. I don't know if that's, I don't know if that's what I do. I don't think you shine in a five minute set per. No, but I should. I think you probably can, but it's not, you're not doing them now. You're doing, I'll tour the, you do fucking two hours. I don't shine in any shine. But it's like, it's crazy to think that that is the art form is, is crush in five minutes, but I absolutely can't. I mean, I can, but I can't. What do we talk about? You have to know that I'm doing an hour. These are fantastic. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to take these, I'm going to skewer them with a bunch of like texture to them, I'm going to then cover them in butter, and then I'm going to fry them up all that. The board ain't sandwiched a little bit. Yeah, Mortadella, Mortadella. Did you, when you guys book about me, Philly, right? What do you, what do you call, yeah, but that I think that counts. What do you call a sandwich? as you call it, it sounds like you were homeschooled, just because there was no other option like to it. It was always just a whole, you go to Wawa, like, Wawa has Hogi fast, it was just, they're just all. Have you been to Bucky's? Yeah, I love Bucky's. What's better? It's Wawa for Rednecks. What's better? Wawa or, I mean, you can't compare it. You can't compare one in Wawa, they sell deer urine at Bucky's. Yeah. They do sell deer urine, which is pretty good. It's good with the brisket. They're different, and Wawa has, you know, we got to see the Wawa goes through a huge, corporate expansion, you know, it used to be like, you go get your lunch meat there, it was like a deli. I know. And do we have any more more to Della? So we'll make three, two really good ones. I feel so good. Ain't too many pension lovers. Can I, can I tell you, I thought we had a special needs kid working for us. I got one. He's about four and a half pounds. I mean, chicken lovers. I'm kidding. He's my best friend in the whole world. Liam, we're working out one day in the gym, and Liam just goes, God damn it. And I said, what? She goes, this fucking guy that works in our yard, I go, what's wrong? She goes, he's picking up dog shit. Every day he picks up dog shit. I go, what's wrong with that? She goes, our dogs have been dead for six months. He's out there every day walking around the yard looking for it. She goes, I don't have the heart to tell my dogs are dead. Well look, the thing if you stop finding dog shit, there's no need to keep looking for dogs. He's like, God man, these dogs, they've crazy shit. Can I eat this one? No, I need it. You do? All right. All right. It's a cooking show. The fuck? It's not a happy hour. Push the chicken. It's like 86 chicken lovers. If you had to invest in one nut. One nut? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Can I just want a nut? Yeah. No. Yeah. A nut. All men, pistachio, peanut, what nut would you invest in? Peanut. It's like the S&P, if dad and peanuts, that's not going to work. No, macadamian. That's the high nut. That's the high nut. You covered it. To volatile. What? I know the markets. I get them in Hawaii all the time. They're in everything in Hawaii. Is Hawaii the greatest place in the world to go? Yeah. I like it. There's no place better than Hawaii. Yeah. I'm a Tampa man. I'm a S&P guy. Say it again. Say it again. Sign me up. You have a really good time, dad man. Oh. People, you are. You are. You don't. I don't think you realize this. You are Tampa guys. Tampa's just people from the northeast, that their parents moved down there or they moved down there. They like getting fucked up. Yeah. They like smoking sigs. We were down there for the weekend and we had a nice house on the-- To need it. Am I saying that right? To need it. Oh. This is a pesto. I'm making four-- Fresh pesto. Mmm. A fresh pesto. You're a fancy little girl, aren't you? Yeah. You know what? I like cooking. It would be better if Foley hosted it. Why? Because I think people see you and go, ah, I like what he's going to make, you know? Yeah. Chicken livers and boogers. Let's know. Do you guys-- No, you're nice with it. If you guys had to pick that one of you was Tom and one of you was Bert. I-- What are you? What? Never mind. [LAUGHS] I was going to ask you, is Kevin said no? Is it OK to eat a whole thing of tic-tacs? I didn't say no. I did not say no. I-- He said, so we got-- we stopped at a-- Oh. Yeah. Let me do this for a sec. Mmm. That's so great. Oh, this is going to be good. Go ahead. We stopped at a gas station and, like, a couple blocks from here. And he came out with tic-tacs. And then he's got about-- Hold on. The fruity ones. Not the mint. But he's got about, I don't know, 20 in his hand, and he's shaking them. And he's popping them. So people don't eat these like this, huh? I go, yeah, I don't-- I don't think so. Is Retson bad for you? Whatever it's called? No, no, no. No. No, people don't eat them like they're nuts. Yeah, he's shaking them like it's like, you know. But I do like the idea that you-- I respect it. But I just don't think that's how they're consumed. No, that's not how they're consumed normally. But it's OK. 100% it's OK. You live your truth, big guy. All right, because I see that out of the chicken that was something made my stomach feel weird. Whenever I need something quick, comforting, and seriously delicious. I go into my pantry and I reach for goodles. It's everything you love about your favorite mac and cheese or pasta, just leveled up. And every bit is easy to make. Each serving has more protein, more fiber, plus essential vitamins and minerals. So it doesn't just taste amazing. It's a meal I can feel good about eating. And they are awesome. Let me tell you, I say this every time. And I hope you're listening to me. If you have a child in college, if you have children in the house and you want them to eat better, and you know they love mac and cheese. This is the meal for them. 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You think like, you'd be like, "I wonder who learned it?" - I know. - When you were a kid, did you ever see your mother cook with zest? - My mom's from Philadelphia. - Never. - She boiled chicken. - Yeah. - Yeah, we didn't discover Balsamic vinegar until about 2000. - How old were you when you had Nutella? - I've never had Nutella to this day. - What? - I've never had Nutella. - There's none in this house? - You just said you gave Thomson. - Wait, did I try Nutella? - You had to. - When did I try Nutella? I never ate it though. I'm not one of them. - Not one of these fancy paints. - Yeah, with big lemons. - Yeah. I've never tried Nutella, I don't think. - It's good. - But it's like-- - Can I tell you something crazy? I just started eating bananas. - Whoa. - Well, when I was a kid. - I've never had one. - Yeah. - They're so good. - I know. - So I-- - My son eats them and my wife's like, you have to try. It's a thing on the show. - You serious? - Yeah, I've never had one. And then to the point where my wife's like, I do not believe you and called my mom and she's like, he never like, she's like maybe it's like a baby, but like he never, like he's never consciously. - He doesn't like Sherbert either. - What the fuck? - Why do you bite no? - Oh, he never had a Carmelo. - Do you believe that? - What's the crazy? - What's the Carmelo? - This is literally being friends of him. I said, oh, what do you got there, Carmelo? - Carmelo. - Oh, are you serious? - You never had one. - I've never had a score bar. - I don't think I even know what a score bar is. - I don't know how old school. - I'm younger than you. - That's a gentleman's. - You old guy. - That's what a score bar is. - You ever have a orange whip? Look at this. Look at this. Pass it up. - You know what I had to get out of this? - Now it still holds up? - A Mallow cup. - Oh, bloody things are back. - Can I tell you one day in college, I was with a girl and we weren't dating, but I said, you know what would be fun? I said, "Let's try all the candy bars today." She goes, "Can we do that?" And I went, "Yeah, this is back when checks were big." I go, "Float to check by a bunch of candy bars." - Like Frank Abignau, "Float to check." - I'm dude, I bounced. So many checks. - What are you doing? I've got Rolling Stone did an article about this. It takes the candy bars in college? - I had never had a payday. I had never had a Clark bar, a fifth avenue bar. There's so many bars I never went to. - Well, you just don't, if you're getting one, you're going, "I'm not gonna roll the dice on this thing." - It's crazy. Two of my bars, pretty wack. - Do you remember the first candy bar that you stepped out on? And you were like, "All right, let me try." 'Cause I remember-- - And I fell in love with it, crunch bar. - The old-school crunch that had the aluminum foil was like, mine was the Snickers, 'cause that was an adult candy bar. First time I had a Snickers, I was like, holy shit. - Right, yeah. - Do you know, can I tell you something? This is what I love about getting old, but I hate about getting old. Do you know why we have all the candy bars that we have? - No. - Prohibition. - What do you mean? - Prohibition kicks in. - They were hiding booze. - Everyone's like, "Well, we can't drink, "but I'm still, you know, when you quit drinking, "you're kind of got a sweet tooth." - He's not eating a lot of fucking Ben and Jerry's. - That's fucking Prohibition. So they start making the fucking Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. That guy worked at Hershey's. And then he started, he's like, "I'm gonna start my own shit." He goes in, he makes the peanut butter, and they burn the peanut butter. Notice the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got a little different taste of peanut butter. - Yes. - And he goes, "Hmm, I like it." Hershey comes to him and says, "Hey, how about this?" You buy all your chocolate from me. A co-sign with you will get you out in all the places. He was like, "Fucking done." I mean, all of that happened during the Prohibition time. - And it's all because dudes couldn't drink and they needed something. It makes total fucking sense. - This isn't my thing. I can't remember who told me this, but it's so on point. Why is the chocolate that's on the Reese's Cup different than that regular Hershey's chocolate? Why can't you just get that chocolate? Because it's the best. And why can't you get the vanilla ice cream that's inside a cream sickle? 'Cause that's the best. - Where's the? - The vanilla ice cream inside a cream sickle. - Where's that at? What are we doing there? They don't got that in Russia. - Look. - Leanne's losing her shit now. - It's probably because it's cheat. It's like probably not, it tastes better, but I'm saying it's probably just like a lower, 'cause they're not putting a good stuff in there. - It's so good. Something about it inside. It's so good. - And it's so hard to recreate a peanut butter cup. - Yeah. - I would argue peanut butter cups are the best presentation of candy there is. - You mean the Reese's peanut butter cup? - Reese's peanut butter cup. - You go, wait, you see time, you got a little cash. You go to a high end joint and get a peanut butter cup. One of those fancy candy places? They're fucking phenomenal. Oh, greater Joe's does a couple that'll blow your air back. - Dude, I just spent about $188 a San Francisco at exactly what you're talking about. Their presentation of Toffee is the best presentation. Toffee, they're, Liam, what's the thing? Can it's peanut brittle? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Like a non-cree owl? - Two. - Little pieces of chocolate. - Can I tell you what I'm getting fucking crazy about these days? - It's got bonkers. - Pulls out a desert eagle. - What the fuck? (laughing) - Freedom, blah, blah, blah. - I'm like, and it's 'cause I'm not drinking. I keep going. - Is that David's peanut butter cups? Try this. That's fucking insane. - Is that David in somebody's? - I don't know. It's in the mall. - This would come around. We'd get something like this around Christmas and mulch it. - I was gonna go with the chicken one, but I'm in dirt. - Oh my God, I had to home run. - Fucking insane. - Hey, you're like a fun, adventurous guy, right? - Yeah, what are you gonna do? - This is gonna be a Christmas show. (laughing) - Hey, you do stuff. This came up on the show recently, and it was, it's mostly just like narrow mind thinking by me and everybody else had done it. - Would you not becker? - No, would you make ice cream sandwiches at home? Make them? We only ever just had like the bot like, I'm not against it, I just never, never crossed my mind. - So can I tell you, I think it's, it's like Chinese food. - It's like Chinese food. - It's good with the girls. - What? - I'd say Chinese food, it's a lot of work. - When you can just-- - You can see them jamming? - Yeah, right? - I've never done it. - Oh, really? But what I have done is, and by the way, Todd Glass is the greatest in things. - I love that. - It's good with that stuff. - His modern comedian. - He is the funniest human being. - Can I tell you I'm on the show, he didn't do it. - Can I tell you the funniest thing that the best podcast I've ever done? - I mean, and it is criminal that no one watched this. We did a podcast in my room where he brought a lantern like an oil lamp. And he turned it on, he lowered the lights, he then lit a pine cone to blow it out. And he said, and then he got the TV like an outdoor, like a window pane of a camping outdoors. And he said, let's just pretend we're camping. And it smelled like a campfire. And it looked like a campfire. And it was incredible. And because we didn't talk about trends or we didn't do the thing that is the thing that's popular on podcasting, no one watched it. And it's criminal because it's such a fun dish. - That's the beauty of that. - He is so good at silly. He did a podcast, the hardest I've ever laughed. He did a podcast with Roy Scobal, who without a doubt, Roy Scobal is, if not the most talented comedian level. He is so fucking brilliant on so many levels. And Todd did a podcast with him about the old Red Fox joke of Dantana, you know that. And he did, you know, you know the story. - Right, what's his, what do you mean? - You know the story, right? - The thing song of the San Francisco? - Oh no, hold on, you don't know the story? - No. - So, can you open these up for me until we can toast the inside a little bit too? - So Red Fox, Billy Crystal's opening for Red Fox. - Do you want to meet Red Fox? - No, you want to meet Billy Crystal? - No, I'd like to. - Yeah, right. - I would love to meet Billy Crystal beyond Ari Garbage. - Billy, hit me up. - Hang on, that's real. We could make that happen. - No. 100%. - Do you think he's watching this? - No, he's not watching this, but someone will. - I do have to say, the name throws a lot of those famous people that don't know what it is off of it. - For real? - I think Billy Crystal wants to do that. Am I Gar? What? - No. - You guys do it 'cause you knew us. - You know who's not a fan of Ari Garbage? - Who? Jerry Sunfall? - Jerry? - I love Jerry. - Kidding me? - Jerry a fan? - No. - What? - Paul Reiser. - Paul Reiser hated the show and more specifically Foley. - Really? - Yeah, I don't like me. - Why? - You're the most likable guy there is. - He didn't, he thought our questions were stupid. - Oh. - He looked at Foley and said, "You guys have a lot of stupid fucking questions, huh?" - I didn't really dance to the wedding. But he was funny. - Does he? - He wouldn't answer. - For real? - Yeah. - I don't like that. - I don't like that. You don't dance to it. I'm not answering that question. - You also didn't like talking about the money. And I was just like, hey, you know, with all due respect, I just googled you and you sold your house to the rock. So, - What talk about a catch? - He was fun though. - Yeah, it was fun. It was his own thing. - Billy Crystal, Billy Crystal on Ari Garbage would be fucking, and you know what? And it's not your typical Ari Garbage. In my opinion, 'cause he lost his dad at a young age. His dad was a met's fan. He grew up in Long Island. He's like a hardcore New York guy who comes from working class, who worked his way up. That I bet would identify with a lot of, and I bet you'd ask him a question and he'd go into an in-depth detail. Everyone needs to send this to Billy Crystal because I would be such an amazing fucking interview. And by the way, you can be so many different sides of who you are that he would love. God dammit, that would be good. - Yeah, be a lot of fun. - All right, I'm gonna toast these up here. I'm gonna get them nice and good. I'm gonna put some tomato on the bread. I'm gonna then take this, smear it on one side. I got my pesto for the other side. We've got, oh, chopped calibrary. - Calibrary. - Oh! - Peppers. - Was that you? - Okay. - I'm gonna pull out some plates. I bet we can go, oh, we'll go big plates. - You know what I'm gonna do. - What? - Yeah, we'll put some red onion on it. - Right, who doesn't love fucking red onion? - Do we do anything? - No, no, no, you're perfect. - Oh, you don't know what I want to ask you when we were just to go back to candy? - What? - How do you feel about it, good and funny? - I don't know if I've ever had that. - Really? - I swear to God. - Leigh-Anne, good and funny? Yeah, what do you think? - Well, you had a good and funny? With who? - You stepping out on me. - It's not a sex move. (laughing) It's a licorice candy with a little candy coating. - Yeah, they're a little-- - It's a good and funny, black licorice. - I love black. - Yeah, they're like little bangers. - Oh, oh, like at the movies, I better get a buddy. - Yeah, they're all right. At my old age, I started to like them a lot more. - Yeah, I wanna get into black licorice. - Pretty good. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Or should I just say licorice? No, licorice is red licorice is like for children. - What do you mean a twizzler? - A twizzler is different than red licorice, correct? - There's like four different kinds of twizzlers too. - Really? - Yeah, there's the twizzler that comes in the pack in the candy aisle, which is a little firmer. All right, then there's the twizzler that comes the long john that you get at staples. - Yeah. - In the round bucket. - Like the big one, they're individually wrapped. - Yes, and then there's the best one, the two-banger that you get at Halloween. That's a little softer and sweeter. - That's the best twizzler, yes, a little guy. - Really? - You could take that to the bank. - The age fully guaranteed. - That's right. - Are you going on a road trip? Come home happy to a bidet. After eight hours in a car, eating beef jerky, gas station sushi, you're gonna need it. Tushy rocks. It is like a fire hose for your ass. 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Our listeners get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code burning at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at hellotushy.com with the promo code burning. I miss summer school at college. And I remember one day me and my buddy Andy were working out the gym and he said, we should go to the beach, blow off classes, go to the beach. We spent the afternoon on the beach, white sand beaches, crystal clear waters. I remember we swan out to the sand bar and I said I can see the bottom from here. And Andy looked at me and said it's the diet mountain dew. It makes you see clearer. It's the best summer drink. Iconic summer moments, deserve an iconic drink. It's mountain dew, an American original, from the beginnings and the foothills of Tennessee. The refreshing citrus kick of mountain dew is the perfect companion to your American summer adventures. No matter where you go or who you're with, bring mountain dew to amplify your celebration. Lakeside Hangouts, road trips, rounds of golf concerts, tastes and grates since '48. The bold taste you know and love has proud American roots. Back in 1948, two brothers created mountain dew, deep in the foothills of Tennessee. Celebrate summer with mountain dew. I like diet mountain dew personally. The refreshing citrus kick is the perfect way to save your summer, whether you're celebrating at the grill on the beach or right in your living room, sipping on a mountain dew, it's a great way to start a damn good time. Enjoy the refreshing citrus kick of mountain dew, an American original tasting grates since '48. Can we do an R.U. garbage candy addition? - Please. - Yeah. - Where we bring in, I don't need, I don't need, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. - Do a Twix test? - Nope, I'm gonna give you guys a thousand dollars to surprise new candies, get 'em all around the world. Let's get the best fucking candies we can find. - Yeah. - Let's really go hard in the paint. I'll tell you what, let's do $10,000 for the candy. - It's a lot of candy. - And then there's people going, why don't you just give that to a poor family and we're like, yeah, we're just gonna try candy. That's right. - That's right. - Bert wants his treats. - Okay, this is a grand. $10,000. - You don't think I have a thousand dollars? - No, no, I'll pay it so I can be a part of it. - I can't get you right now, I want it. - We're fake, we were out at lunch the other day. We got to recognize and we got free dessert. - Yeah. - Really? - Things are going very well. - All right. We are good to go with accoutrements. I think our bread's nice and toasted. Am I right? - Is this the sourdough old bread? - Yeah. I mean, I want you to smell it. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - Here, here, here, here. - Why sourdough so big now? - Smell it for a second. - Oh, that's really good. - 70 years old. - It's good smell and. - Sourdough's huge right now. - No woman was voting when that was made. - The good old days. - The good old days. - How many brains I heard. - Oh. - Sourdough? - I like hates that joke. - Sourdough's very popular. - She doesn't understand that her brain's too small. - I got a question for you. - Shoot. - You're a baseball guy. - 100%. - Can you hit 80? - Straight, straight. - Yes. - Can you hit a curve ball at 80? - No. - Okay. - I could hit 80, although I haven't seen 80 in a while, but I can know I can hit 80. If you give me a couple of looks at it, I can hit 80. - He says I can't hit 80. I know I can hit 80. I hit 80 like two. - 80's a lot faster than you think, but it's not faster than high school pitchers. - I know. I've never seen them swing a baseball bat and then all of a sudden he's like, I can hit 80. - I have to, you say, you probably can't, right? - Well, the thing is, it's a 40-yard field goal, the 20-yard field goal. He'd be shocked how hard a fucking 20-yard field goal is. - I'm aware. - And then when you-- - I can't kick a field goal, I can hit 80. - No junk on it. - No junk on it? - No. - Here's the thing. At 80, you're not gonna get a ton of movement. Once you get to 80s, once you get in the low 90s, high 80s, that's tough. 80? Pretty, pretty good. - This is gonna sound crazy, but I think at 50, I'm a better hitter than I've ever been in my life. - For real? - Yeah. - What makes you say that? - Not much. I've been friends over 15 years, not once. He's ever been like, I just got back from the bad encounters. Like, it's inevitable. - I don't tell you that I go. I go when I'm home all the time, and I hit 80. - Okay. - Well, the-- - Then why was the thing you think you can hit 80? If you do hit 80, you said you think you can hit 80. - I can hit 80. - Okay. - He watches Becker, did you know that? - Becker? - Yeah. What do you think about that? - The Septim movie is on the TV show with-- - He had dancing? - He had dancing. - Yeah, I don't-- - With the black guy? - Yes, thank you, the blind black guy, and Mokajou. - Holy shit. - I don't-- - The guy who plays Mokajou. - He does this. He sows lies of deceits. I don't watch it. I watched it when it was on. - The weirdest thing I found out about this guy in the last six months is that he watched Becker as a kid. - And shout it to my-- - Shout it to my back her head who defended me. It was a great program. - What's the fact? - What's the very seldomly mist? - Well, he mist really hard ones. - What? - Cheers. - No, blackface. - Oh, yeah. - He did blackface? - Yeah, what in the sense to swing? - He was dating with a barber. - What a great name for a sitcom. - What? - Blackface. - Sure. - What? - Just-- - It would grab your attention. - Yeah. - You're like, "Blackface, that's why-- - By the NAACP. - Yeah. - That's a blackface. (laughing) - Is that Austin Butler vehicle? - It's Austin Butler Elvis. - Yeah. - It's crazy how he did Elvis and then he lost himself in that guy. - Go look a kid. - We saw him at dinner one. - Yeah, we sat behind him with Frankie and Vinnie's or whatever it was. - Frank John and Peters. - John and Tommy's. - I don't know. - Johnny and Vinnie's. - We're East Coast guys. - What's it called, Johnny and Vinnie's? - Frankie and Peppers. - John and Vinnie's. - All right, you got to lose your East Coast. - No, it wasn't. It was Marvin. - Now, it wasn't Marvin. - Yeah, it was Marvin. - Was it? I mean, I've embarrassed myself at Marvin like five times. - You have to lose your East Coast personality. And you've got to choose a place in this country to move to and become the back guy. - Tampa. - You'd be a Florida man. - I try. I sell my wife on it. I would look at real estate. - Really? - I love St. Pete. I love Tampa. - St. Pete's fucking amazing. - Dude, I went down there with my family one year for New Year's Eve and there's like 13, 14, 15 of us or whatever and we're drinkers. Like we're just like Irish Catholic dirt bags to, you know, we were talking about it. That looks great. We were talking about it in the pot. If you get off work early, you drink. - Yeah. - If you work late, you drink. If there's free, if time, we just drink. That's just what it is. I don't know anything about it. Where you go, oh, that means we got time for beverage. And then, like, so we're just all fucked up and then we need to get to dinner and they send this like duck. It's like a boat on wheels that, like, it's like a party. I'm like, this is the fucking, - Would you have fever? What was this? - When I was in St. Pete. - I was there? - No. - Oh, your family. - My family. - It's just awesome. It's just the fucking, it's just people getting fucked up that I would. But that's my personality. I wouldn't be giving up my personality. - We were on a walk when we, we sat on the bay when we were down there a few months ago. - They need it. - Two in size putters. They need it. - Shout a special in size putters. - We went for a walk. - Is it? Is that a lot of cheese? - Alex, awesome. Whenever that is, that looks fantastic. - I think it's good. - It's awesome. Reminds me of Irish pizza, you ever have Irish pizza? - No. - It's like something like that. You put our little ride pieces of bread and you serve it at like holy communion and stuff like that. - Really? - Yeah. Not in the church, but like at the party. It's like a trashy Irish appetizer. But we walked by this place in Dunita that was on the water. - Hotel on the water. - On the water. There's people out there having drinks. - A guy with a guitar. - That's a guy that was killing Steeley Dan. - Really? - Oh, come on, it's a better beach music. - Not even trying, we were like, I will cancel the shows. Can I just sit here and tie one the fuck off? - I could have walked in this bar, never left. - Are we never, are you never drinking again? - No. - No, for real? Like even in a, oh okay, let's pop these bad bitches on. - Like what are we talking about? The zombies are coming? Yeah, I'm having a glass of white wine, a couple oysters. Like a gentleman. - Those things look killer. He's nice with it, he's good, isn't he? - Roe, fuck. - This is so buttery. - Huh? - No, I don't think I'm ever drinking again. - Well good for you. - Thank you. - I've had a couple of stutter steps. - I'm not gonna lie. - What's a stutter step look like? - Relapse. (laughing) - Crash out, he told you about Austin, right? - So, but yeah, I'm out. - Yeah. - It's, I like it. - For the best, yeah. - Well no one wants you dead. That's the number one rule. - That's not true. - You don't know about that. (laughing) - No one wants you dead, but at the same time, I mean, fucking Florida's a placement of grain. - I love it, right? - I love it. - It's such a great. - We went to lunch other day and that did hit me. 'Cause I got oysters, I got Kumamoto's. I knew you respected Kumamoto. - Oh god. - And I did to some like fuck man, I wish I had a glass of fucking solving I'm belong to go with this. Screamin' cold. - But what do you end up? - It's also, you know. - I die coke. (laughing) - You are, he is such the best version of himself not. - For real? - Yeah, and it's like not even close. - Well when I'm fucked up, when I'm in a good time. - I know, but the, you know. - Dude, we've, this week we've been. - I was cool in San Fran, when I was a smoked out. - Smoked, oh can you smoke weed? - No, okay. - Dude, he couldn't smoke weed even when he was partying. He freaks out, he was outside talking to this guy who was threatening to shoot up the bar. And he's like, "Yo man, why don't you just go help me? "Stop talkin' to this fucking guy." - It seemed cool. - Oh, guys, this is-- - He's what we call a liability. It smells great, I'm all about it. It's a big Sammy, too. - It's a big sandwich. - Which one, I think this one looks the prettiest. Oh, that's, oh hall. - For your specials? - Yeah. - Here, special shots. - Yeah. - I call the specials. - It part works, film, TV. - Yeah. - What are you back to, you doing season two? - Yeah. - Isn't it crazy you just knocked out like a bang and that's like, chill, that's awesome? - It's, I'll tell you what. - I love, me and my wife loved it. I told you that we sat down, the baby, and it was just like a perfect time. And I'm like, oh, I can crush this. And while I'm like, fluid in like two, three days. - Isn't it crazy you just did that? - It, can I tell you, in all honesty, do you guys want a soda? - I would do a DC, yeah. - A DC? - Thanks, buddy. - Can I tell you what's crazy is you realize you only get a few opportunities, you only get a few swings, right? And I've had, I've had a bunch of swings in life and I've hit some good, some solid base hits. I've hit some, the movie fucking solid double, if not maybe a triple off the fence. - What? - On Nebulix, right? The cabin, I'd say a ground rule double. But I've also had some stinkers of like TV shows for nine years that never no one ever watched. But then you, you get to a place where you're like, - But you're wildly successful. - Well, you get to a place where you're like, I'm at, I'm at 53. I get a good crack at this one for this TV show. I hope it does well because if it doesn't, I may not get to make more. - Sure, yeah. I mean, I get that solid. - And it's crazy that you realize. - Hey, Doug. - I thought those guys were security when I walked out. - No. - Where the God, they're all dressed in fucking black. They all got the hats on. That old time where he's fucking in business, that guy. - Old time, what are you talking about? That guy would tune you up. - Can I tell you, can I tell you, can I tell you? - I was gonna finish your thing about the show. - Wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna tell you that. But can I tell you, can I tell you the difference between boys and men? - All right, can I just get pay you a compliment real quick. Christmas party comes up, the Christmas gift for me. I was thinking about it all the time. No one got me a Christmas gift. No, I'm not, not, but came onto me with a Christmas gift. We just had Merry Christmas, Bert. I was like so touched. I was so touched because sometimes you forget you're still a kid around men, you know what I mean? And then you're behaving like a child. I think about that all the time. Can you move stage so we can make eye contact? Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah. - We had it the other day, we were gonna get you. - I don't remember. It's stretch arms strong. - I threw it out. Anyway. - It was a real piece of shit gift on it. - Oh, what a gentleman. - But we had it, we were in-- - Do you want a knife to cut this? - Yeah, well you know, I would like a-- - What do we Scooby-Doo? - I want a pole, by the way. This smell is amazing. - It's such a good pole. - What do we do? What do we Scooby-Doo? - That guy, yeah, I've been swinging for the fences the whole time. Scooby-Doo, finish what you're saying about this. - Here, we'll do this one. I think this one's probably the best. - Got a ginsu. It's probably high in here. - What a good cut. That's a rich guy cut. Cuts are on an angle. - Yeah. So, but you think, F-53, I probably only get a couple more swings to make it, you know. - You can't get cut for you. - Can't get cut for you. - They're speaking of boys around men. Hey guy, the same age, can you cut my sandwich for me? - Can I have an apple juice, please? - But with this, that's a bad cut right there. - We were in meetings. You got to have kids to kind of sandwich. - We were in meetings with agents. And they're like, "Pitch us." And I'm sitting there and I'm like, I'm like, "These are grown men saying they want to work." I'm like, "We are children." We are the stupidest guys in the world. And these are like partners being like, we want to be in the AYG chair. - It is crazy that you have children. Go on, let's talk to your children. - It's crazy that our brains would be broken enough where people see they could make money off of it. - Sure. - Like we're just tire strippers. - Sure. - But what I was saying was, you realize that 53 I only get a couple more swings in this. And you realize if the show hadn't hit, I would have been fine. I would have figured it out. But then you also go, "Thank God people responded to it." And I get to do this a couple more times. 'Cause cheers. - Cheers. - Cheers, I love you guys very much. - Thanks for having us. - Thank you so much. - It was great. - So I'm curious. - Let's do it. - I'm trying to find my best bite here. - What are you calling this? - Mmm. - Oh, mm, mm, mm. - Mmm, wow. - Mmm. - Wow. - I call this hand-fraing dripper. - That's really good, huh? - Oh, wow. - Soft, everything softer than I expected. - Yeah, it's like pussy. - What was more to tell my whole life? - Mmm. - It seemed baloney like a dickhead. This stuff was the best. - Mmm. - That's crazy, man. - Oh, it's always better than they are, great too. - Home run. - Mmm. - Oh, it's gonna make me throw up. - Mmm, what? - Not in a, in an ozemic way. - Mmm. - That's worth it. - I didn't take my ozemic to see because I knew I was coming here. I don't want to gross everybody out. - I was perfectly salty. - That's great. Really good. The cheese is great too. Was that a ricotta? - Yo, what kind of cheese is it? - Eric and Strata. - Strata, tell her. - You good? - No. - I know, I'm really good. - Oh, good. - I just did a girl who was Italian. - It's a lot of armpit hair. - My mother hated me. - Oh, man. - Man, how do you shut three fat guys up? Break out the stretch of tele. Do you feel like you could perform your civic duty by having a presidential candidate on R.U. garbage? - No. - It's not our lane. - It's not our lane. - We're in a escape. - I would have both of them. - Who? - Whoever the candidates are. - Yeah, they're both of them. - Like, if it was like, we could do it like that. And we could have a debate. Well, this is really good. - Think about politics. - Yeah. - What's your favorite candy bar? Why, you know, that's things, why that's good. - I think that would move. - I think that would move the needle more. If you've found out, like if you had Trump on and he was like, "I only like a Hershey bar," you'd be like, "Whoa." That's fucked up. That's very fucked up. - Yeah, that's why I was like-- - But it feels like, I don't know. Butterfinger's just a texture. You'd be like, "Okay, I got it." - I'd respect a Hershey bar though. - Really? - I love her. - I like a win. - A win? - A win? - Does he salt? - Oh, fuck yeah. I got peanut butter cups with salt on them. - Wow. - Where was that? - Yeah, where was that? - When they couldn't go back in. - I was like, "This should have been happening the whole time." - Also, salts, I have like nine, my wife has nine different kinds of salt. What the fuck is all this? - Can I tell you, there was one salt grow. It was morten. Back when I was banging. Take that to the bank. I'm sorry. I mean, I'm spilling out here, but this is fucking fantastic. - Buddy, it's a home run. - And it cheeses fucking. - It cookin'. - So this bread from San Francisco? - Yeah. - 600 years old. - That's so good, dude. - Home run, brother. - Thank you. Home run is what I was like, dude. - Loved it. - I was wondering what you were gonna make. I didn't expect this. - I hear it be off of you. - Well, the coolest things I ever saw, when I was like ninth grade, 10th grade. I went to my buddy's house. and his job was home, his job was a mailman, and his job was making himself a sandwich. - I know exactly what you're gonna say, go ahead. - And he was like toasting the bread, and he had, it was an Italian sandwich, but it was big and it was tall, and it was warming it up, warming up the meat, and melted the cheese. Big slices of tomato and onion, drizzled mayo, over the side mail, it sits down, he had a bar in the back. It looks like, it looks like, where you guys would be sitting. - Yeah, mm-hmm. - Bar in the back, an L-shaped couch in his TV, and he sat down in his mailman pants with like a wife-beater, and had a beer in his sandwich watching TV. And I remember going, dude, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna make myself a sandwich. I remember going one time, going by, and we thought we were gonna be able to get drunk there, and his dad was home. And his dad was making himself a cheeseburger. - Whoa. - In a kind of cheeseburger. - Just a single cheeseburger. And I remember being like, god damn, I'm gonna do more of that shit. - It's 13. (laughs) - I gotta make more single burgers. - Yeah, but like the idea that you make yourself a sandwich. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That you go, what am I gonna have for lunch? You know what, I'm gonna take the time and make myself a sandwich. - Watching a dad come home later from work after the family has had dinner, and him make his own dinner. Like, you know, like a tuna salad sandwich like that. It looks so fucking good. - Yeah. - You got that when you make your breakfast, John's. - I remember one time, I remember my dad would, like when he would have his dad dinner by himself, he would pull the coffee, like he'd sit on the couch and pull the coffee table to him. And I remember being like, one day I'll be strong. Like that's like, you had to be an adult. - Yeah. My dad was a kind of guy that would whip together food quick and just eat it standing. He was never, he would never sit and eat something. - Yeah, like a process. - Yeah, and he would be like, he would be like, he'd like, you want a burger? He had a gen air outside. And I'd go, yeah, I'll take a burger, he'd make it rare. I mean, cold, cold. And if you push back, he would question your manhood. Like, well, you can't eat a fucking rare set. You're not gonna get fucking sick. And then I remember one time, I was making burgers for the girls. And my dad was there, we were in my sister's house. And he's like, you're over-cooking the goddamn burgers. And I was like, dad, he goes, let me show you something. And he grabbed a handful of meat and he throws it in his mouth. And he goes, you can eat that. And that night, he threw up violently. And I've never been happier. - But you like that? You like a steak tartar? - Oh, I fucking love rare. I love rare. I love rare. - Yeah. - It's a best. - Do you want me to tell you a good Kyle story? (laughing) - We go to a restaurant, we go to the airport, and I go and he had already dropped my computer out of my bag and broke it. And then he was like, don't worry, I'll order you dinner. And I went cool, and I come back. And I go, and the guy that bought me the thing co-as like this. And I'm like, well, so I take the first bite and I go, wow, the fish feels a little slimy. And cold, no one asked, probably just one bite is, you know. So I get another bite and I go, ooh, it's ice cold. And I go, what, this feels cold. And the waiter goes like this, hey. And I go, what? And he goes, it's all him. And Kyle goes, do you like your fish rare, right? And I go, this is trout. This is a freshwater fish. And he goes rare, rare, rare. You like it, rare. I go, you like sushi, and he goes, and he goes, I tried to tell him no and he insisted that it was rare. You got trout at an airport? Rare. That's on you. What airport do you find out? Did you say I want to do that? Hell yeah, LAX. They got trout? That's where I go. I don't know, I'm trying to dumb down the story for people to hear it and go. I guess he's relatable. Yeah, my airport, they serve fucking trout. And I know the guy's named Koa, 'cause he's my guy every time. Gotcha. Do we talk, we always meet up at the airport early? Can you talk to me about this? I, Leana, I want you to hear this and how beautiful this is. Tell me. We roll as a team, right? So we meet up at the airport. Say we have an 11 o'clock flight at a JFK. We meet there at John F. Kennedy, New York. We meet there at nine, usually probably even 8.45. There's nobody likes being the last one there because then you're coming in and it's five versus, well, they've already had 10, 15 minutes to trash you. To trash you. So you're like, everybody gets there kind of early. You know, we're, you know, I've been to the TSA. So we're through, we check our bags and gear and we're through in a few minutes. And we have 90 minutes. We go to a restaurant, we sit down. We go to the problem in JFK's position. Palm JFK and breakfast. Every single time we won't miss it. Launch breakfast, whatever. We sit there and it just gets the fucking, the team gets going for the run. And everybody, you know, it's just fantastic. And a lot of people give us shit. - Stabby was trash in us. - 'Cause they're like, it's not you're going to the airport early to get food is like stupid. - No. - And I'm like, no, it's not the food, it's the hang. - Yeah, it's the fucking moment. - I mean, you know, with five of my best friends, why the fuck would I not wanna do that? - I would argue the person in this last shit I have to pay for the bill. - That's the company. - That's the company car. - Oh, yeah, that's all. - Yeah. - I can't make the fucking guy driving the van. - What's with you and the double dog dares? (laughing) - That guy's gonna pull his nuts out. - You got to start by the, um, wait, what was that? What story is that? I love when you hear a story and then you get, your story is so good that you get lost in it. And you're like, ooh, that sounds good. Okay, what's your diner order? Breakfast, diner order. - Okay. - I got, you should probably just go right up the middle. I love like just the classic. I'll do scrambled eggs, probably throw some cheese on them. Potatoes, bacon, and probably side of sausage, right toes buttered. - Okay. - Western, American cheese, cook soft, fries, regardless of the time. - Really? - Yup. And yeah, toast. - Wow. - Yeah. - Coffee and a D.C. - I always do coffee. - Coffee, water and a D.C. Right off the bat. Anytime. - Corn beef hash. - Respect it. - Four eggs over easy. No potatoes, side of bacon, side of sausage. - Yeah. - There's potatoes in the corn. - Oh, I'm not done. I'm not done. Can I get up? Please, an order of pancakes and an order of waffles. - Okay. - Whoa. - And I just want to sample. - Just dabble, yeah. - I just want to sample. And what I do. - I do that this morning. - Every time I cut a V in the pancakes, I butter the pancakes. I kind of be in the pancakes. I slide it out a little bit. And I pour the syrup right in there so that it gets inside that all of us. - Yeah. - Home-run with that. - I can make pancakes. - Pancakes should be on the table. Like people should, - What do you get? - Breakfast? - Yeah, pancakes. - You've got to get an order of pancakes. - An order of pancakes. - Yeah. - Couple of wax. - We have a candy bar drawer in the new bus where we have all the candy bars of all, maybe like $100 with the candy bars. Every candy bar you can ever imagine. - That's good stuff. - And then just to watch people sneak candy bars, no one wants to be the fat fuck that go in there. Although I've done it. - I don't know. - I mean, we just roll with a different crew. - Yeah. - There'd be no shame. - Real? - Oh, yeah. - We have a trainer. We have everyone's like. - I remember the first time we went on the road with you, we did Vegas and then like, - Oh, that was, we went to Vegas. - That's a rouble. - Yeah. - And he did it. - Well, I didn't remember you guys were there. (laughing) I only see this. (laughing) Merry Christmas. (laughing) - Ah, fuck, what was I gonna say? I forget, but. - Sagi sandwich or non-sagi sandwich? - What do you mean, Sagi? - Like, like, - Like if you have a hoagie in there. - You go to Italian, yeah, you want it Italian sub. Do you want it dunked? Like Italian beef dunked? - Yeah, I get it. - It's a little much. - Yeah, it turns to the way you're on the kid. I'll do a French dip, I'm not a dickhead. - Yeah. - You know, I had a little cup on the side, I'll dip myself. I dipped this in something. - Yeah, I would have dipped this. I would have loved to dip this. - Yeah, the grilled cheese in the tomato soup thing that's going on now. That's big with the kids. Everyone's doing? Yeah, I'm down to that. - Classic grilled cheese or a jazzed up grilled cheese? - Classic. - Classic. - Really? - Yeah. - American cheese or cheddar? - Yeah, yeah. - American N cheddar is kind of a nice one. - I'm not a big dickhead. That's my problem with the palm, I got JFK. Yes, it's cheesy eggs and they give you cheddar. Cheddar's a whack. - Cheddar? - When it's hard. - It has very little integrity to it. It's almost like, yeah, I'm cheese. - Maybe. - Cheddar's a clean comic who does corporates. - Yeah. - But you're talking about a lot of money now. That cheddar moves. - Yeah, because people were talk cheddar's the thing. And then for sharp cheddar, I'm in. I can't believe people even fuck with Swiss. - What? - That's crazy. - Swiss is like sucking a sock. - You're nuts. - It's like, yeah. It's not even like, pungent enough. It's just like kind of, like hot dog water. - And then there's a bite where there's none in it. You get a hole. (laughing) What a, what a burp way to interpret that. - I got a bite with nothing. - Where's the cheese? I bit into the fucking circle. - Yeah. - I love Swiss. - No. - Yeah. - I'm a pro-belong guy. - I am a pro-belong guy. - But it's the same thing. - It's cardboard. I gotta be honest with you. - American cheese or suck my dick. - Yeah, I like a nerds cluster. Have you never had those? - Never had a nerds cluster. - There's a lot of sweet candies that skipped me. - Well, these are brand new. - Can I tell you what I just tried? - Yeah, get back in the market. - He's an economist. - At 52, at 51, I just tried Sour Patch Kids. - Wow. - What? - Never had one. - Sour wasn't our generation. - I didn't know you were a communist. Sour Patch Kids, fucking rock. - Yeah, I'm really good. - The best. - Whoa, and you can go one at a time. You pop one in and just, hmm. - Yeah. - It's all right. You'd like a nerds cluster. - I would love a nerds cluster. I can't wait till we do our candy episode. It's matter. - I'm gonna see what it is. - What, what, what? What, what? - I'm saying we do. - Oh my God, I just got word we do. - That's great. - I just got word from the office. - We don't have nerds clusters. - Why would we have nerd clusters? - Why would we have real nerd clusters? - Because we're not communist. - I'm getting word, we might not have nerd clusters. - Medica. - Yeah, that's what we call this room in here, a nerd cluster. - Okay. - Pretty good. Do we really have nerd clusters? - I even said that. It'd be shocked if you didn't have them here. - Do all the kids, do the kids that the girls were friends with growing up, when they came over, did they love your guys, the snacks? - Can I tell you the dad I am? - Yeah? - I miss this. This is like the saddest thing for me about kids. Ila said she was having friends over to watch a movie. I went to Rite Aid and I spent about $150 on everyone. We had seven kids, I got seven of the boxes, the little boxes of every candy they had. And then I went upstairs, every soda filled the fridge in the screening room, I put out every candy, so they all had everyone had an option of whatever they wanted. And man, when I heard those kids walk in there and go, "Oh my God, oh fuck." And then I would, from time to time, I just refill it. So it was always left like that. So that if you were a kid, you came to my house, you were upstairs watching a movie, any candy you wanted was up there. - Oh man. - That was huge. My buddy Eric, he had a pantry like that. I was like walking like that. It was just like, it was like being in a fucking Wawa. It was awesome. - The energy you described in so interesting is when you were a kid, you had an opportunity of one candy bar. And you, so you never really veered out 'cause you didn't wanna screw up your one candy. - Oh, you mean on the way out to, in the line. - Yeah, yeah, fine. - So you can get one. - Of course, yeah, you can get one. - And you play it safe. - Yeah. - Then you're fuck up and get a pack of Rolos. - Fuck. - Ruin. - Can I tell you a candy bar that came out when I was a kid that I remember seeing? - What you gonna call it? - Yeah. - Yeah, let me think about gay. The What You Gonna Call It showed up. I know where I was. I was driving back from baseball practice. - Yeah. - I got a big 32-ounce suicide. And I went over and I went, what is that? And I had seen the commercial. Hey, you want some of this? What is it? A What You Gonna Call It? What do you call it? - Had me. - And I tried it and it delivered. And I felt like such a smart guy going, this might be my new candy bar. And now I realize this is an adult. I wouldn't, they would have all been home runs. There's very few that would have put up the mess. - They were better back then. They're not the same now. I've had one recently. - Hey, it doesn't hold up. Take those early episodes of Cheers where the lighting was all weird. - Yeah. - Can you guys do us a favor, clip this out? Can you guys do us a favor? Send us the best candy treats from around the world. And we're gonna try them together next time I'm in New York and I'm promoting season two of Free Bird. - I love it. - Guys, thank you very much. - Thank you brother. - Have a great festival. I love you guys today. - We love you guys. Make me laugh harder than anyone in the world. - Thank you. - Love you guys. - Thank you guys. We love you guys. - Thanks guys. (upbeat music) This episode was brought to you by The Machine.