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Speaker 2Hello and welcome. Welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 23, and today it's all about social media and what we need to wise up to as parents. Some of you may know that on the 28th of October 2021, I put up the following post across all my social media platforms. Let me read it to you. After a great deal of thought and reflection, I have made the decision to remove myself and my Dr. Mary-Hannah counts from all social media platforms. For some time, I have felt a sense of unease that the very platforms I use to communicate with parents are linked to so many of the challenges our children and teens face. With recent headlines around Facebook's internal research findings, I have found my continued use of social media platforms untenable with my passion for children's wellbeing. This is not to say I don't believe social media can be a force for good, and I'm certainly not going to make any sense of it. I'm certainly not going to make any judgement on its use by others. It just doesn't sit comfortably with me anymore. Over the next few weeks, we will be closing down accounts, and for my membership, we will be moving to a forum within the resources platform, with the children's half-termly workshops continuing on Zoom. There will be changes to the frequency and format of my newsletters, so I can share more of the latest research, tips and strategies for supporting our children's wellbeing. Please bear with us as we figure out what works best. I am so very grateful to have the trust you all place in me for the wellbeing of your children. I never take this for granted. And, with your continued support, I hope to continue making a difference for years to come. If you want to receive my weekly newsletter, then let us know and we'll add you to the list. Email contact at drmaryhand.com I want this episode to be an honest conversation about social media, so we can make more informed decisions about its use, for our families. Now, let me be clear, I am not suggesting our children need to come off social media, just because I have. My children are both active users of various different platforms on social media, and I respect their decisions to stay on them. They are both over 18 years of age, and I'd like to think I've raised them to understand the benefits and the pitfalls. That said, I was very clear about ground rules as they were growing up around social media use, and it was very much so that I was able to do that. It was very much a collaborative process, which I'm going to talk about today with you as well. I am not an expert, nor will I talk about the various different systems, mechanical digital systems that can be put in place to limit the use of particular websites and age restrictions. I will try and find someone who can come and talk on the podcast and address that issue in particular. My stance is very much from the basis of how can we educate our children, to make better choices about social media use, and what should we know about the dangers these platforms pose for our children's emotional well-being, so that we can then make these informed choices. You know, we need to remember that social media platforms are ways that our children stay connected to friends that they've met through school, through clubs, activities, holidays. So people that they have met first in person, who they still want to chat to. And in my experience, children don't sort of pick up the phone to chat to their friends in the way that we might do as adults. They also often write and use the messaging component of the social media platform that they use. So for example, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, they've all got ways for people to send private messages, dependent on how our children have set up their settings. I'm not going to talk about those specific areas because that's not my area of expertise. I am going to. I'm going to talk very much about how we can help our children. So our children use social media as a way of staying connected to people that they already know, but they also use social media platforms as ways that our children can make new connections with people all over the world who share similar interests, as well as allowing our children to follow public figures, bloggers, influencers that they may come across. So this is pretty much how our children use and why our children use social media. Our children and teens use social media platforms. It's where their friends are. It's how they can stay connected. I want to talk about the four sort of broadly, the large, the larger sort of the main pitfalls around social media use itself. And then I want to talk through how can we, if we know this, how can we then help our children with them? So, you know, the first of the really big pitfalls is that social media is by essence a platform in which our children and our teens and as adults, we post things and then people respond to those posts by liking, loving, thumbs up, depending on the various different platforms. So by the very nature, the number of likes can also be viewed as a popularity contest. You know, how many likes did you get on your post? And how our children and our teens then compare the number of likes that they have on their posts to those of their friends, of influencers. Now, a lot of this, how that impacts your children and your teens depends very much on your child and your teen's self-confidence. So whether the number of likes they get dents their self-esteem or whether they're, it sort of passes them by, it's not important to them. But the number of likes is seen very much as a way of a measure of how popular you are. And that in itself can then fuel an element of comparison. So if you have a child that you know already struggles a little bit with confidence, maybe they struggle around friendships, maybe they are naturally already comparing themselves in a negative way to others and feeling that they're not as good as others, then this particular aspect, this particular pitfall around social media will mean that they are going to be more vulnerable. Children who are inherently more stable with their self-esteem and it comes from inside rather than the outside, Rotter talked about this idea about internal and external locus of control in that if you have a child that sees their self-esteem and self-worth coming from their inner beliefs about themselves rather than the external, then your child is going to be more resistant, more resilient to that aspect of social media. If you have a child whose self-confidence is low, fragile or is very much fueled by how they position and compare themselves to others, then this can be a particular pitfall, with social media. So that's one of the first pitfalls. The second is that obviously social media, as we know as adults, is simply a snapshot of life in that moment, which is orchestrated by the individual placing the post. So, you know, typically people post pictures of them when they are happy or doing fun things or enjoying life, which can then create a sense as our children and our teens scroll through them their social media feeds, they can create a sense that others are having an amazing life and you are not. So again, it's that how often do, have we as adults scrolled through our social media and looked and seen that everyone seems to be having a wonderful time and maybe they're posting pictures of how amazing their children are and how wonderful their life is and how connected everybody feels. And that's the same for our children. Maybe as they're scrolling through their social media feeds, it looks as though other people are constantly being invited to parties, to get togethers, to sleepovers, to outings that then suggests that they are missing out and that other people are having a happy time. So again, that's one of the huge pitfalls. It's that snapshot of life that then creates an element of their life is not as good. And they're not always able to take that step back, much in the same way as it is for us as adults. We're not always able to take that step back and see well okay they're posting lots of pictures of how things how great things are but I know that that isn't the whole story. So that's the second pitfall so the number of likes and the fact that the posts themselves create a snapshot of life which isn't real. The third pitfall is that posts which jar stand out in social media feeds and there's a psychology behind this so people on social media feeds are looking to disrupt there's a psychology about disrupting if you think about how you might scroll through your social media feeds yourself something that stands out whether that says something in loud bold letters whether the colour is different or whether it says something that knocks you out of your thinking or disrupts your thinking. So what this means for our children is that they could end up clicking on something which then sends them down a little bit of a rabbit hole and potentially exposes them to content. Which may not be age or for me more importantly development appropriate. So when I've surveyed and this is very anecdotally because I do you know I work in schools and I also I do group workshops in schools but I also do training with a nanny agency so when I've surveyed older teens and teenagers they have all reported to me that they have found themselves viewing content by accident and quite often it has started with a jarring post that they've looked at and thought oh that can't possibly be right or that's interesting why that or it looks like a funny video and they've clicked on it and they have then found themselves viewing content by accident that they wouldn't have chosen to view. So whether that's graphic images of self-harm content about restricted eating and weight loss or imagery which creates a comparison that they themselves are not enough not good enough. So it's being aware that that poses a real a real danger that's one of the real pitfalls around social media. So it's this number of likes the snapshot of life which isn't real and posts that jar that stand out and disrupt our thinking as we're going through social media can often create this rabbit hole of content that we wouldn't necessarily want to our children to be exposed to. And then the fourth pitfall is it creates a constant need to respond to no one. So if you're a kid and you're and doesn't allow children and teens to learn to switch off and just be. And this for me is one of the most worrying aspects of social media use. Now obviously all the others are worrying too but what I feel is that when our children are constantly being bombarded with pings of notifications they're glued to their devices and a feeling that they need to reply as soon as a notification comes up which disrupts work, play, thinking time. And this is a very important this for me is where I think the other dangers then come come in. Because as we know and as I talk about a great deal if we have as human beings we have a tendency to operate in autopilot. We do things without realising it and I would encourage you to just be observant of your use of your electronic device your mobile phone particularly because that's where we most people are accessing their social media feeds. In that we can often find ourselves without realising it habitually picking up our phone. So we're finding that we are picking up our phone and our phone is in our hands and we're checking social media or we're looking at notifications more often than we probably would like to think that we do. And this is where the danger starts because if we are doing things habitually without giving ourselves or in building an opportunity to just be what then happens is that fuels in my view the other three pitfalls of getting sucked into this popularity test in terms of the number of likes of not being able to remove ourselves from this view that what we're seeing on our social media feeds is simply a snapshot of life and not real. And then it means that we're much more susceptible to clicking on that post which jars and stands out because we've not given ourselves that opportunity to reflect and think. And that's what I really think is one of the real dangers is that our children and our teens are being raised in an environment and a culture that social media and device use is so rife and so rampant that they are not able, they don't have the ability and the resources to take a step back from that constant habitual ping ping ping. And it may be that your child or your teen has their mobile phone on silent but what happens is those pings will still come up. They are still grasping, reaching out, checking in on that phone in ways that I don't think they're going to be able to do. And I think that's a big part of the are particularly healthy. And I think it's really important for us as parents that we educate ourselves. We understand the benefits of social media. There are huge benefits. Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to suggest that everybody comes off social media. It's a decision that I have made for myself because it feels right. And I cannot begin to tell you the sense of relief that that's created as a result of that. But what I do think is this, these platforms are not going away. Our children are going to be able to do that. And I think that's a big part of the reason why we're going to be on these platforms. Our children use this in a constructive way to stay connected with friends. But we need to understand what these pitfalls are. So when we look at the scenarios in our households and in our families, we can create and we can make choices which are much more informed about what works for our families. So with these pitfalls in mind, these are what I believe are the five ways that we can make choices. So with these pitfalls in mind, these are what I believe are the five ways that we can help our children, certainly the five ways that we should be looking at first.
Speaker 1So with these pitfalls in mind, these are what I believe are the five ways that we should be looking at first.
Speaker 2go ahead and set up social media platforms without informing the their parents this happens all of the time I see it with some of the children I work with one-to-one and in classes that I speak to in schools so I know this happens and what we need to make sure that we do with our as parents is create an environment and create a culture in our home where we are having conversations so that our children can communicate with us rather than doing things without us knowing it's so important that we do that so we need to have conversations with our children about social media use its benefits its pitfalls and how and why we are making certain decisions in our families before they then have access so it's all of the usual things you know go back to my episode in terms of managing devices but it is having a conversation that with age comes privilege as our children get older they are able to access more privileges and but with those privileges come responsibilities you and being on social media platforms there is a responsibility in terms of the content that they put on there and how they conduct themselves and how consistent that is to their well-being so having conversations about why certain aspects of social media use are important rather than lecturing to our children when our children reach those teen years they are much more responsive to a dialogue with their parents and to their families and to their families and to their dialogue where we speak to them as equal adults. Yes, they're not adults in that they can't make all of those choices, but we are much less likely to have these sort of loggerheads, this head butting that often happens because we adopt much more of this authoritarian, I'm the adult, I'm in charge, you are the child, you will do what I tell you. But much more a discussion of, I understand that social media is really important to you, all your friends are on these social media platforms and it's how they communicate and you feel as though you are not part of that conversation and when you're at school and they're discussing things, you feel you can't engage and I understand that. So how can we find a way where we can be on these social media platforms so that you can feel connected to your friends while still observing some ground rules around the values which are important to us within our family? I think it's important to look at it around family time, communication and connection. For example, it's approaching it on that way where you're meeting in the middle, your adult minds trying to problem solve, trying to come up with a solution together rather than being dictatorial. Because I would imagine, I will say that that will have more lasting, more profound, positive impact than really going in with all guns blazing in terms of, you know, this is how it's going to be. So set up the ground rules before your children get access. Use language about privileges and responsibilities. Set up rules about the use of those platforms from the get-go and then manage those. So that's the first one. Now the next four are useful if you have not set up, you know, not, your children are not on social media yet and you're gathering as much information as you can before, as well as for all of us that already have children who are on social media. platforms and we now want to make sure that we can best manage, we can give them the best tools to manage those pitfalls. So the second one is about communicating with your children and your teens regularly about their social media use. And again, it's about making sure that we're informed, but having those conversations and they are conversations, they are not lectures. And it's about trying to find the best opportunity to have those conversations. So try to understand and show interest in what your children and teens are viewing and who they are interacting with. You are not necessarily going to get it. You're not necessarily going to be following these people. You're not necessarily going to be engaging in the same content that they are, but showing an active interest and trying to understand and meet them where they are at is just as important as when we are trying to encourage our children to understand. Us and where we're at and the viewpoint that we're coming from when we're trying to make sure that we that we kind of are trying to take care of their own safety and their own well-being. So it's a two way process. It isn't just children understanding our view, but also us trying to engage and understand, you know, what are the stuff that you're looking at? Why do you find that interesting? It tells you a lot about your children and it means you've got some common ground to connect. So that is number two. Communicate with our children regularly. The third, and I think so important, and I know it can be very difficult to implement, is encouraging our children to be on their social media platforms in communal settings at home. Now, children who have social media should by virtue be over 13. And at that stage, they revel and love their own private space. They love to be in their bedrooms. They like to have that time away from the family and just to get their headspace. And I think that's a good thing. And I know a lot of families are battling with this particular issue around children and teens being in their bedrooms with devices. But if we understand the pitfalls of social media, it is even more imperative that our children are consuming their social media content the majority of the time in communal settings at home. And that's not because we want to be looking over their shoulder or auditing what they are viewing and what they're doing. But it is much more a case of if our children are struggling with what they're seeing, if they've gone down a rabbit hole and they have suddenly are exposed to content that they hadn't intended to expose themselves to, when they're in a communal setting, we're able to be there for them in that moment. And we can see just based on their body language and how they are, that they may need our help. It is not for us to be standing over their shoulders, because if you're doing that and constantly asking what they're looking at, that's going to be a problem. It's something that they need to do, but it's being aware that if we're agreeing this time that we're off social media, then we need to be modelling that too. And then the fifth and final way that we can help our children is about no devices in bedrooms, no devices in bedrooms overnight. I cannot speak more strongly about this. I think it is such an important thing, not just for our children, but for us too. We need to remove devices, mobile phones, iPads, laptops from bedrooms so that we can create an environment that is conducive and about sleep, not about electronics. It is so important that we create this. And if you have a child or a teen or an adult who is now habitually sleeping with these devices, you have to accept that it's going to be a slow and gradual process. But if we are trying to remove ourselves from constant disruption, constant notifications, then we need to remove those digital devices from bedrooms. So those are my five tips. So set up ground rules beforehand, make sure your children get access to social media platforms in the first place. Communicate with your children regularly about social media use. Don't lecture and try and show an interest to understand what they're interacting with on their social media feeds. Encourage your children to be on their social media platforms in communal settings at home. Agree social media free time and no devices in bedrooms overnight. So my give this week. This week is a checklist. So head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the checklist as well as all of the other resources. You simply need to pop in your email address and you get instant access not only to this week's checklist, but all the other resources across all my other podcast episodes. And as ever, if you've enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us. And we can spread the love. So until next time.
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