Speaker 1Getting sober does not automatically make you a good person. I think a lot of people get lost in this idea that if I get sober, I'll magically just fix my life and everything will just turn out sunshine and rainbows and all my problems will disappear. Because the main problem, alcohol and drugs is now removed. I have now fixed the problem. And I say this all the time. If you had a drinking problem, remove the alcohol, go to rehab, go to detox, and your life would just be better. The problem is not alcohol and drugs. When you remove alcohol out of alcoholism, you are left with ism, I, self, me. The problem starts where the bottle ends. The problem starts where the bag ends, where the pipe ends, where the marijuana ends, whatever your thing was. And so alcoholism is a disease of perception. Yes, but it is also a disease of self. I am self-obsessed. We are constantly seeing things through our lens and we are unable to see the good in the world. We are unable to see the good in other people. We are so focused on ourselves because we're so used to taking our whole lives in addiction recovery, in addiction, sorry, that when we come into recovery, it's important to remove self and to turn over our will in our lives to the care of a power greater than ourselves because lack of power is my dilemma. My dilemma is you've removed my solution. You've removed the antidote to my thoughts and my emotions. And so in today's episode, I want to talk about being sober and still selfish and how to get out of self, how to be a servant in recovery, which is the highest pay grade in recovery. I truly believe that all of our purpose, all of our meaning, in my opinion, comes from being a servant, from being of service to the newcomer, the person that's struggling like you were once struggling or and to everybody else. Because when I'm in service, I am not thinking about my problems. I can step out of my shit and into yours. It's a beautiful thing and it's magic to be honest. When all else fails, work with a new guy or girl or newcomer and you will stay sober. It's the key, in my opinion. This episode is about self-honesty, not self-hatred. I'm not, we're not trying to beat ourselves up or compare or contrast. I'm not doing recovery right. That's not what this is about. This is about advancing, growing in recovery, being a better person, living a principled life and the main one being love, service, tolerance, patience. Noticing your own selfishness is the growth, not proof that you're a bad person. Keep steering away from shame and toward accountability. That's all we're trying to do here. Be more accountable. I will argue this until the day I die. I truly believe, adequately, that I'm a good person. I'm not a selfish person. I'm a good person. This is not about good or bad. This is about how often do you think about yourself in a day? Think about that. How often do you think about yourself in a day? How often do you think about others in your day? I'm going to hazard a guess that you think about yourself way more than you think about others. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you've done the work, but this rings true for me. I'm not a selfish person. I'm a good person. This is not about good or bad. This is about how often do you think about yourself in a day? Think about that. How often do you think about yourself in a day? Think about that. How often do you think about yourself in a day? Think about that. How often do you think about yourself in a day? Think about that. How often do you do you think about yourself in a day? How often do you think about others in your day? I'm going to hazard a guess that you think about yourself way more than you think about others. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you've done the work, but this rings true for me. When I am with myself at the end of the day, with my thoughts in quiet, in silence, my default is to think about my poor life and where I'm at and not enough. Self-pity, fear, the plans that I have later that I don't want to do. Self, self, self. So the uncomfortable truth here is you can get completely sober and still be selfish. The drinking stopped, the self-centeredness didn't. You are the main character of the story everywhere you go. Main character syndrome. I truly believe that all alcoholics and addicts suffer from this. Where I am the center. It is me versus you. It is me and then everyone else. I am the subject. You are the object. Those people are the object. It is me
Speaker 2versus you. Ego. Ultra running shoes are all about space. The space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with Ultra Fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, Ultra Fit can be used to do anything you want. You can do anything you want. Ultra Fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced, and comfortable. Whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with Ultra. Shop now at ultrarunning.com. That's A-L-T-R-A running.com. Hank joined BJ's Wholesale Club the day he became
Speaker 3a father of 30. I coach football. Now Coach Hank saves up to 25% off grocery store prices, 30 pounds of pasta, three cases of protein bars, 75 sports drinks. And that's just pregame. He knows teamwork and BJ's knows savings. This is your home, coach. Home of the save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer, new members only. BJ's, home of the save. Inherently for us,
Speaker 1it is very difficult to move into other people's lives, move into other people's emotions and practice empathy. It is not something that comes natural for me. And so this is something that I every single day. I work at rewiring my perception, shifting my perception, rewiring my neurotransmitters to try and think of other people. And when I think about those other people, it's important to call and reach out to them, which I don't do enough of. I always say this, but the easiest way to get out of self in the moment when you're panicking and those skies falling and everything sucks and I'm poor me and I'm depressed. And what's the point of all this is to just simply call another alcoholic or addict and ask them how they're doing or anyone in your life. I'm not going to change your mindset like that. So again, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast. My name is Anthony. I'm an addict and alcoholic. I've been in recovery since 2015, had a relapse at about seven and a half years. Now I'm about almost two years sober, a year and a half over a year and a half sober again, and I'm bringing the recovery content to you. If this lands with you, please follow the podcast. I would greatly appreciate it. It's the greatest payment I could receive. You know, it's funny, these 15, 20, 30 minute episodes get way than the guests. And I never would have thought that when I started this podcast, I would have assumed, and I did assume that everybody wants to hear the recovery stories. I got a message today on Instagram from someone that said, the stories are all too similar, which is hilarious because it's true. You are not unique. We are not unique. We are not special. Everybody's story has the same sort of elements to it, the same sort of principles behind it. I suffered. I'm sorry. At first, I used alcohol and drugs to remove whatever pain I had, whatever disconnection I had from God, from the world, from other people. Alcohol, drugs connected me to that power, which was other people, which was society, which was a power greater than myself. Alcohol and drugs did that for a long time. It made all my problems go away. Alcohol was doing for me for a long time. Then we inevitably all come to a place, if you're an addict or an alcoholic, where it stops doing for you and it doesn't do anything for you. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. You can't do it for yourself. The external circumstances look different for everybody. The rock bottoms are different for a lot of people. The principles behind this are the same. The stories are so similar because we all suffer the same. The emotions, the feelings, the I'm never do this again, and then you do it again. The I don't want to hurt other people, and I keep hurting other people. I hate myself. They're all the same time and time again. I've been doing this for 10 years. I've heard a lot of people's do the same shit. I've never surprised when I hear a consequence of someone's addiction. This isn't a you're a bad person podcast episode video. It's the opposite. Spotting your own selfishness in recovery is honestly one of the most useful things you can do in your recovery program, and beating yourself up about it is just another way of making it about you. So let's stop doing that. We'll look at why addiction is selfish by design in this episode, the sneaky forms of it, even when you're sober and why it matters and how to actually work on it. So first up the myth of the new person. I want to kill your expectation that sobriety equals instant character change because it doesn't. If anything, you get worse when you get sober because you remove my antidote for a long time, my best friend. And so I'm going to exhibit the same behaviors with or without alcohol. I'm going to actually probably be a worse person. I'm going to be more selfish. I'm going to act like a worse person when you remove my substances because I don't have a solution anymore. The fantasy versus the reality, the story we tell ourselves, get sober, become a good person, stop hurting the people around us and ourselves. The reality is you become a sober version of who you already were. And the work starts there. The work starts where the bottle ends. Like I said, you'll often hear people in recovery say, I was a horse thief. You know, a horse thief is still a horse thief after they get sober. Now I'm just a sober horse thief. This is the work that we have to do. We have to change our principles. We have to live a different life. We have to help others and start to change the way we enact, we act in the world. One of the definitions of a spiritual experience in the literature that I follow and that we follow, a lot of us follow is that a spiritual experience is not a spiritual experience. is a personality change where the world is not changing. I am changing. My perception is changing. I, nothing changes on the outside. I am looking at it differently. I am starting to see the beauty in the world and the, I'm starting to notice the good in all situations instead of just constantly, this is happening to me all the time. Poor me. If you had my life, you would drink too. This all starts to slip away. So the, the exact definition that I love is a spiritual experience is a profound alteration in my reaction to life. Profound. I am changing the way I look at the world. And this doesn't happen when you get sober, you have to do the work. As I always say, recovery is very different than just abstinence. The disappointment nobody preps you for. Did you expect sobriety to fix more of you than it did name that letdown it's relatable and real. So tell people about that stuff. I expected myself. Here's the, here's the real truth about my last relapse and coming back in. I expected sobriety to feel a lot better than it did in addiction. And it does for the most part, but I do this thing where I compare my new recovery program today to my seven and a half years program, which is insane because I was completely different version of myself back then. So if you think about coming into recovery version, Anthony version 1.0 version 2.0 version 3.0, we're constantly changing and evolving based on the work that we do. And there are experiences that we experience. Sobriety is the starting line, not the finish, not drinking as the foundation in, for a lot of us in recovery, harm reduction is also another foundation. Character is the building you put on top of it. They're not the same thing. So you're building a foundation and then you're building a character in the form of a condo building on top of it. But if the foundation isn't solid, the house is going to crumble down. Why addiction is selfish by nature. Addiction organizes your whole life around you. I think a lot of us can relate to this. Everything bends toward the next fix, the next party, the next escape, protecting the using other people become obstacles or tools. You're either helping me or you're hurting me. So I either want you in my life or I don't want anything to do with you. If you're impeding on my using and my addiction, get the hell out of my life. That's not a character flaw you chose. It's how the thing works. This is how addiction works. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get my drugs, get my alcohol. I need to remove any obstacles in the way because I will do whatever it takes at all costs. And then this is why a lot of people say, if you were a mad dog drinking, you need to be a mad dog in recovery. If you were driving to the bar at 12 AM on a, in a snowstorm, you need to be able to do that in recovery for your recovery. And it's not always that intense. It's not always that dramatic, but at the end of the day, I need to put the same energy out that I put in my drinking that I do in my recovery today. Drinking and drugging was my top priority when I was in addiction. Today, recovery is my top priority. That doesn't mean I go to a million meetings a week and do nothing. I'm going to nothing but recovery all the time. And I'm just the sober guy. And that's my only purpose and identity. It means that recovery comes before anything else. And that changes. Like I said, in the episode with Jen, we talked about recovery changing on a day-to-day basis. Recovery doesn't look the same as it did 10 years ago. It doesn't look the same as it did five days ago or a day ago. I have to constantly adapt to my thoughts, my reactions, my brain pattern, the emotions that are coming up, the circumstances in my life. If I get fired from a job, I need to dial into recovery and dig in. If I go through divorce or if I lose a relationship and pain is happening in my life constantly, I need to recommit to my recovery program and maybe do more meetings, maybe do more step work, maybe do more. The wiring doesn't vanish with the substance. Self-centered survival habits are deeply grooved in your brain. Don't state brain science specifics from a memory. The habit of putting myself first didn't just disappear. So I don't just come into recovery and think, I want to be a good person. I want to help others. I have to be told that that is the key to recover from people who are successful in their recovery. What does successful mean? What does successful recovery look like? Does it mean the guy has a million cars and a good looking wife and a great relationship and a baby and this and that? No, those might be a part of it. But at the end of the day, I want to hang out with people that have that ease and comfort in their lives. I want to hang out with the people that are peaceful and calm and serene and letting things roll off of their shoulders. They're not bothered by the small insignificant things in the world that drive me crazy. This is something that needs to be practiced. I need to practice service by doing action, by hanging out with new guys and girls and hanging out with new guys and going to recovery meetings and asking people how they're doing and then listening to when they talk so that I can help them through it. Or sometimes helping is just showing up and listening and not fixing anything at all. Recovery literature has always named this. Self-centeredness as the root is a long-standing recovery theme. We are driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear. Fear runs my life if unchecked. I am constantly thinking about how I am going to be hurt in this situation. I'm scanning for threats. I have a hyper self-consciousness. That is my problem today. I'm constantly worried about what you think of me. I'm not running my life today. I can sit and acknowledge that and be aware of it and act differently. Do the next right thing around it. Ask for help when I'm struggling. All right, next, the sneaky forms selfishness takes in sobriety. Recovery self-absorption, which is very ironic. This is my journey, my recovery, my feelings, eclipsing everyone around you, using the language of growth to stay the center of attention. This is my recovery program, I'm doing this for me. It's important. Missing family events to go to recovery meetings. That's not what I'm saying here. Recovery is my top priority today, but it doesn't mean that I don't treat my family with respect and show up for my wife. The two can exist. I can put my recovery program first and also be a good husband. I can put my recovery first and also be a good son, be a good brother, be a good friend. I don't have to use a recovery trump card in all my situations today and all my plans and designs. Recovery is a top priority, but it's not the only priority. It's not the only thing in my life. Still a taker in relationships. So you're sober, but keeping score, expecting people to keep showing up for you while you give little back, especially the people who stood by you while you were using. This is an important point. Are you a giver or a taker today? Honestly, ask yourself, about it. Do some inventory. If you're somebody that keeps score about showing up in relationships or even paying tabs at restaurants, don't do that. Don't expect fairness out of this world. The more I expect fairness, the more I am in resentment and let down and upset and sad and self-obsessed. Fairness is a one-way street. I can give out fairness and not expect it in return because that's unrealistic. It's unrealistic to expect fairness from the world and others. It's not going to happen. It's not how things work. There's give and take. Make sure you're on the giving side today. Try to give more. What can I bring to this situation instead of what can I get from it? What can I bring to this recovery meeting instead of what can I get from it? Sobriety as a moral trump card. Expecting praise. Using the, but I'm sober now to dodge accountability. Treating not drinking as a pass on being a decent person. Partner, friend, parent. Don't do that. Nobody likes the guy that is on moral high ground or girl that is on moral high ground. And I'm sober now, so I should get everything I want. I'm better than everybody else. Don't, you know, you could be doing that subconsciously right now and not even know it. At the end of the day, sobriety is not a moral trump card. You are not better or worse than anybody else. We are all equal. This is the same concept when I hear people saying, yeah, but they're drinking around me. They shouldn't be drinking. Sobriety is your problem to deal with. Addiction recovery is your problem to deal with. Not anybody else's. Again, I can't put expectations on people to act differently around me, to change their life. A lot of people will do that and will offer that. And that can, I can, I can be grateful for that and I can thank them, but I can't go around expecting people to change because I am sober now. I need you. It's codependency at the end of the day. I need you to love me so that I could love myself. I need you to be okay so that I can be okay. This has to come from within. I have to be so confident in my recovery program and my emotional sobriety that I can go anywhere in the world and not have external circumstances affect the way I feel. Not have external circumstances be contingent on my self-worth. Not have my self-worth be contingent on external circumstances. I can be okay in my own skin without taking anything. From outside myself. The main character habit. Every room, every conversation somehow rooted back to you. Listening to reply, not to understand. You ever have someone like that in your life that is listening to talk, just listening to get their point out and they don't want to hear anything from you and it's obvious? Don't be that person. What can you bring to the situation? Stop taking. Listen to people because you care, because you want them to do well. You want them to be free of suffering. You want them to have a good life. You can pray for this if it hasn't come yet. I pray for this all the time. Help me be a loving person, God. Help me be of service. Help me be a servant. Help me help your kids. These are God's kids we're dealing with here. Be of service to them and your life will change. Not overnight. Hiding behind, I'm working on myself. So using self-improvement as a reason to keep avoiding the people you owe amends to. Growth as a dodge. Yeah, this is a good one. I definitely, I struggle with this one where I have some amends that I still need to make to some friends and some family and I'm working through it with myself. I'm working with my mentor, but at the end of the day, the longer I don't do it, the harder it gets. And I can hide behind this. I'm working on myself. I'm doing better. I don't really need to do amends. I don't really need to go and make that amend. I'm doing well. I'm doing a living amends. I can hide behind living amends, which is a dangerous place to be. Just be honest about it. Progress, not perfection. And don't hide behind progress, not perfection either. A lot of people can do that too. Use progress, not perfection as a crutch, as an excuse. Why this all actually matters. The people around you feel it. The ones who stuck through the worst can end up still waiting for the person they hoped sobriety would give them back. The people around you are noticing what you're doing, whether you know it or not. And actions speak louder than words. Whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you realize it or not, people are watching you. Through social media, in life, around family events, people feel it. When you're not, when you're being selfish, people know. They can tell. They can feel the energy. And that's not any place I want to be. I don't want to be the selfish guy anymore. I want to be a giver. I don't want to be a taker. I want people to remember me for having impact on their lives and not expecting anything in return. That's what I want. Recovery gives that to me. The real point of recovery. It was never just stop drinking. It was to become someone you actually respect. Someone capable of showing up for others. Selfishness quietly sabotages that. This is the point of everything, man. At the end of the day, I want to be a good person. I want to be useful to my fellows. Because it feels good. And it's the right thing to do. Simple. I don't need to overcomplicate it. And I don't need to save anyone either. I'm not going to save anyone. I don't need to get anyone sober because I can't. I don't have that power. But I can be a good person. I can be the change in the world that I want to see. It's also a relapse. Self-obsession, resentment, and self-pity are a heavy headspace to carry sober. This is so fucking true. The reason people relapse is because they're self-obsessed and not doing anything about it. They're making their priority themselves. My primary purpose became me after seven and a half years of sobriety. Instead of helping the next alcoholic achieve sobriety. When your primary purpose becomes you, you start to look for external things. The car. The job. The money. The house. And you stop working on your spirit. You stop connecting to that power greater than yourself. Inevitably, you will be dragging along this heavy headspace. That the only thing that will solve it after a while is the alcohol and drugs. This is how people relapse. Your primary purpose becomes getting things and obtaining goals and achieving status. Invariably, you will end up. Using all the outside things like I did until none of them work, the better body, the money, the car, the job, the marriage. None of it will actually fix you inside. They're all good things and relationships are important, but my marriage will not keep me sober today. Otherwise I wouldn't have relapsed. I was very happy and still am very happy in my marriage. My wife is amazing. I love our relationship. I'm so grateful for it. It is not enough to keep me sober. I have to do. The work internally. I can't be a codependent member of recovery and succeed. Just my experience, how to actually work on it. Get out of self through service. The oldest fix for self-obsession is to be useful to someone else with nothing in it for you. No expectation in anything in return, helping another person is selflessness. Sorry. Helping another person is selfishness is natural antidote. It'll works. Every time call somebody in your recovery community, ask them how they're doing. Go for coffee with them, buy them a coffee. Simple, not easy. Ask the people closest to you.
Speaker 2Ultra running shoes are all about space, the space to go further, to feel better, to do something you never thought possible. And this space starts with ultra fit. Unlike traditional running shoes, ultra fit gives toes more room to move naturally. So every step is strong, balanced. And comfortable, whatever you're lacing up for, stay out there with ultra shop. Now at ultra running.com. That's a L T R a running.com.
Speaker 3Tammy regularly haul stuff to her kids at college. That's why she shops at BJ's wholesale club, saving up to 25% off grocery store prices, beef, jerky, microwave meals, laundry pods. Even they can't screw up.
Speaker 4Have you met my kids?
Speaker 3And with BJ's gas, she gets there for less.
Speaker 4They call me the road warrior.
Speaker 3This is your home road warrior. Mom home of the road warrior. The save joined for just $20 at BJ's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer. New members only BJ's home of the save.
Speaker 1Genuinely asking, where am I still selfish? How am I doing in this relationship? Not getting defensive at the answer. Taking the hard criticism, clarifying where I can be more useful in my life. Ask somebody else. Ask someone close to you that you trust. Ask your partner. They'll tell you. How can I be more safe? Selfless. Amends as an action, not apology. So we talk about this in my amends episode and saying, sorry, you stopped working. Making it right with the people you hurt through changed behavior over time. Not a one-time sorry. Catch it without crucifying yourself. This is so important for us addicts, alcoholics. We are so self belligerent. We will beat ourselves up until the sun comes home. The cows come home. I don't know what the hell, where that came from. We will beat ourselves up to no end. Stop beating yourself up. Put the two by four down. Catch it. Be aware of it. Change it. In conclusion, sober doesn't equal selfless. The self-centeredness can outlast the substance and it will. The real recovery is the work you do on that honestly and without self-hatred. Recovery is not about being perfect, perfect guys. It's about progress every day. Look at the areas in your life where you can be more of self-centered. You can be more of self-service. A servant is the highest pay grade in recovery. I will go to my grave with that idea because every time I am of service to others, my life gets better. My head gets quieter and things just magically work themselves out. Not right away, but they do. It is the consistent showing up and helping others that is the only thing that stays, that helps me stay content in this life. A bonus of that is having someone. Flourish and thrive and you being a part of that journey, not causing it, but being a part of it is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I try to do it every day. I try to do it with my story and this podcast and hopefully this episode helped you get out of self for one more day because that's all you have is today. If no one's told you this yet, I love you. And remember, recovery is simple, not easy.
Speaker 3Tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college. That's why she shops at BJ. BJ's Wholesale Club saving up to 25% off grocery store prices. Beef jerky, microwave meals, laundry pods, even they can't screw up.
Speaker 4Have you met my kids?
Speaker 3And with BJ's gas, she gets there for less.
Speaker 4They call me the road warrior.
Speaker 3This is your home, road warrior mom. Home of the save. Join for just $20 at bjs.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months. Open soon. Limited time offer, new members only. BJ's, home of the save.
PodcastTranscript AI