Speaker 1Blood donation is now more inclusive. More LGBTQ plus individuals are able to donate blood with the American Red Cross due to FDA guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation. The Red Cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood. There's a place for everyone in the mission of the Red Cross, including you. The Red Cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood supply. Join us and help save lives. To learn more and make your appointment to donate blood, visit redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ. That's redcrossblood.org slash LGBTQ.
Speaker 2Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, so you're expecting, is proving to be a little bit of a challenge. So, before I launch into the full episode, just a bit of a moment for me to compose myself. This is take number eight on this podcast episode. I have managed anything from 30 seconds all the way through to 16 minutes through before I've ditched it and not been happy about it. So, let's hope it's lucky number seven. So, this episode is So You're Expecting. And I've written it on the basis of sort of wanting to share all of the things that I've learned in my 25 years plus of being a mum, a parent to two children, two fully-fledged adults, but also all of the things that I've learned in my work with families, in my work with young people, in my work that I've done with schools, and all of the things that I know, being at the other end of parenting. Well, she says the other end of parenting. We never stop being parents, but you know what I mean. I'm at a whole different set of challenges because, I'm sorry to tell you, there is always something new in those early sort of weeks and months. It's often about sleep, but it just changes. You become a parent and that's it. You never stop parenting in lots of ways. How you do it is slightly different. But I wanted to. I wanted to kind of distill everything that I've learned and think if I was giving even the advice to my own children if they were becoming parents for the very first time or a really good friend, what are the things that I think are really important? And I've distilled it down to 10 things, which obviously this episode is very much based from that perspective if you're expecting for the very first time. But I will say, having written the 10 and actually. through that process, almost reflected on some of these 10 myself, I would say that it's useful whether you're about to expect child number 2, 3, 4 or 5, but also parenting full stop. There are little nuggets of wisdom, even if I say so myself, which are going to be so helpful at any age and stage because we are parents for life. So here are my 10 in no. specific order. So the first one that I would say is keep an open mind. If I've learned anything about parenting, it is to expect the unexpected. You know, don't plan too much because life happens. Your child's temperament may not be what you're expecting. Your priorities are likely to shift. And so it may mean what you planned to do may not. feel like the right thing. So I think that what I'm sort of suggesting here is that rather than having hard and fast plans, I'm a planner, I love to plan, it is my most favourite thing, is instead of holding on to our plans with a tight grip, I'm sort of advocating for this sort of loose grip. We sort of hold them and we build in some slack to that system where we can, and we might have a current working plan based on what works, and what we know now. But I think what's crucial within this, I guess within this keeping an open mind, is to give ourselves the grace and the permission to change our mind. So much of this idea about parenting and parenting itself is so caught up in what others may think of us. How others may judge us. And you may not be doing this intentionally or consciously, or realising that we're doing it. But sometimes we feel like we ought to be doing things, rather than just simply, I'm keeping an open mind. I haven't decided yet. I've got no specific plans yet. Get used to, get comfortable with that word 'yet' and that flexibility. Parenting is, whilst it might feel it, but it is not a political arena where U-turns are seen as a sign of weakness. Parenting is about doing things, doing what we can with the knowledge, well, doing the best that we can with the knowledge that we have at the time. Hindsight's a wonderful thing. So we don't get caught up in that. But we keep our mind open. So that would be number one. I think the second one, and I wish I had done this, I didn't do number two. Certainly I didn't do it before the arrival of our first. I think it evolved. And it may well be that if you're listening with child number two, three, or wherever you're at in your parenting journey, that this might be something that you do. But I think it's an important question to ask ourselves first. And then it's a question that we then might want to pose to our partner and we have a conversation together about it. And then we may want to then widen that in terms of the context of the tribe and the community that will help us raise our children. And it's what kind of parent do we want to be? And I think, you know, think of this as sort of if you are able to think and consider and create the role model that you'd love for your child to have, that's what I mean by what kind of parent do you want to be. Because children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. So it's really homing in on that. What kind of role model? What are the things that I want to embody and behave? And what are the values that are really important to me that my child is going to see me acting out and responding to on a day-to-day basis? So this is not about whether you want to be seen within a certain parenting type or style or group. It's not like I want to be a gentle parent. I want to be a child-led parent. That's not what I'm talking about here. It simply is how do you want to show up as a parent? How would you. You know, I'm particularly good for us because what it does mean is it helps hold us accountable to the parent that we wanted to be when we get sucked into outside influences, whether those outside influences are comparisons where we compare ourselves to other parents and we think that we should be doing, yeah, that I should, and that's the worst kind of thing for parents, or that we chastise ourselves because we're not providing X or Y or we're not doing A, B or C, but really drilling down to what matters. And I think when I think about it for me, there were things. You know, when I did finally do this and it was well into both my children's childhood before I really started asking myself, how do I want to show up as a parent? I think I was very clear on what kind of child I wanted to raise, which is the next one, but I really wasn't clear about how do I want to show up in terms of being really intentional in my thinking. But when I did, it was all values-based. You know, it was about empathy, it was about kindness, it was about integrity, it was about determination and curiosity and respect, which I hoped to embody on a day-to-day basis in the way that I treated other people. You know, when we think about what kind of parent do we want to be, it's not just about how do we want to show up for our children, but how do we want our children to see us showing up for the people in our lives, for the phone call that we get, for the person who knocks on the door, for the way that we interact with people when we're outside, because that speaks volume about our character and it speaks huge volumes when we're helping and supporting our children to shift some patterns of behaviour if we are already embodying that, because it comes then from that perspective of living and breathing it rather than lecturing it. So I think that that's a really helpful thing to do. And as I say, I would start off with you, but I do think it's a helpful expansion of that. How do we want to show up? If you're in a position where you're co-parenting, how do we want to show up as parents? What are the values that are really important to us? How are we going to make sure that we embody that? And if it is about being about kindness and empathy, then that also means about kindness and empathy to yourself. so that you don't get caught in self-criticism and publicly berate yourself all of the time, but show yourself kindness. So that's number two is what kind of parent do you want to be? And then number three is about what kind of child do you want to raise? Now this one, I was super clear with this one from the get-go. I wanted to raise children who were kind to others, curious to try new things, open-minded, respectful of others, even if they didn't necessarily agree with the views of others, and humble, you know, being able to recognize their privilege, not by the things that they had or the things that they were purchased or their toys, but the privilege by simply being born into a home where there was no concerns about a reef over their head or food to eat and opportunities to experience. This is not about, you know, making our children feel awful, but I do think, you know, particularly around the humble one, it's about thinking, what kind of child do I want to raise? It drives behavior. And I think you have to be really honest with yourself about what kind of child do you want to raise. Notice that for me, and I'm not being smug in any shape or form, but for me, what mattered was how my children were with other people and how they engaged. I guess, in lots of ways, the old saying, it would have been the soft skills. The kind of children I wanted to raise, I never, never occurred to me that it would be, I never put on there about being top in class, about being a great athlete, about being super clever, about reaching academic successes or certain status in society or any of that. I didn't value that. That wasn't congruent with my values. It wasn't. Fundamentally, the child that I wanted to raise, because I wholeheartedly believe that if we focus in on that value framework, the foundations for our children to be good human beings, not only to others, but also to themselves, that they will then find their opportunities. They will then become the people that they were destined to be. They will reach the success and the accolades that are important to them. I think that that's probably why, in lots of ways, I do what I do, because it's always been a part of who I am and why I believe with every core of my being, that when we focus on those values, when we focus on what's really important at the end of the day, because possessions, material wealth, fundamentally, when we take those away, people remember people and how they made them. And I wanted to raise children who would be remembered in that way. Whether they have or whether they haven't is a whole other podcast episode. I could ask them about that. But that was important to me. Again, I'm not holding myself up as the ideal. It was just what was important to me. And because of that, and because it was very aligned with who I was, when it came as my children got older, and I went to parents' evenings, and I was given information about how they did, the first question I always asked, the thing that I wanted to leave every single parents' evening that I ever had for the entire time that my children were at school was, are they kind? Do they show respect to others? Are they humble? Are they empathetic? Do they get on with other people? That was what I wanted to know. The academic stuff, obviously, it was important as they got older, in terms of them being able to realise their own. Which for both of my children happened to be university. But what was at the core that drove things that made me accountable was always around those core values. So number one is keeping this open mind. Number two is really asking those questions around what kind of parent do I want to be? Number three, about what kind of child do I want to raise? And I think that's an important conversation to be having also with our co-parent. Because this is where, and you're not necessarily going to have it, remember? You're not necessarily going to have it, but you're going to have it. We're keeping an open mind. Things change. Is that actually we can spot whether there's going to be some mismatches here. And so we are human beings. We all have different beliefs. We all have different values. We approach the same situations in very, very different ways. But it creates that open dialogue of where may there be some differences in the type of child that we want to raise? How can we begin to discuss this? So that when the inevitable comes, we've got a child having a complete and utter meltdown, and I value empathy, for example, and you value something else, that we're able to understand why we might approach things from a very slightly different way. And we're already beginning to have that conversation around how can we work together. So I think that's a really good thing to do. And it also helps you stay accountable to each other. And also when you communicate beyond the comfort zone, you're able to understand why you might approach things from a very slightly beyond your immediate family that's raising your child together to your wider family and then also your community and your tribe and your village. This is how we want to, this is the type of child we want to raise. This is why these things are important to us. And this is why we're asking you to do this rather than that. So that's number three.
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Speaker 2Number four is connection is crucial. Connection is so crucial when it comes to a developing young baby, but connection is also crucial to our 16, 17, 13, 10, 26 year olds. And it's not about the amount of time, but the quality of the interaction. We are social animals and we are hard wired to seek out connection. You only need to see videos of babies being birthed and immediately looking for eye contact, immediately being drawn to us. They turn their heads in the intonation of our voice. They're actively seeking out connection. They're keeping an open mind. So rather than guilting ourselves or, and I'll come on to curating our feeds shortly, but being really super clear and super understanding that it is not about being omnipresent with your child and just constantly doing and constantly being. It's about the quality of the connection and how can you connect with your child and how can you connect with your child? And you then foster that, however that might be. And it'll be different in different families. We've all got different circumstances. It's not about making any judgment, but it I've put that there specifically for those who may well be grappling with some big decisions, some big plans, whether that relates to returning to work or other aspects of life that mean that you are worried that you are not going to be the parent that you would like to be because of circumstances. Or you're a parent that is currently got children that is feeling guilt around connection and feeling maybe you've listened to other podcasts, maybe you've read books and you're feeling like you're failing as a parent because you're not constantly available and around. Know that it's the quality of the connection and that is something that all of us have a level of control over. So it's quality and not. Quantity. So that's number four. Number five is focus on the long game as often as you can, rather than the short term wins. It really is worth it. We are reverse engineering from a resilient adult. The output, the outcome of being a parent is that we raise adults that are fully functioning and able to say goodbye and to live their lives. but what that build is, is driven and determined by our child. We just are scaffolding response to the building that our children build. It doesn't work the other way around. So if we are playing the long game, it's in those moments where we're making decisions about things, asking ourselves the question, okay, what's the long-term goal here? What am I trying to get to? And is the decision that I make now a short-term win, which quite frankly, Mary-Anne, I need right now. And I've already thought through how this impacts the long game. And I've got a bit of an idea about how I'm going to unravel it, or I think there isn't going to be anything to unravel. Great. But so often, and certainly in terms of what I see and the questions that I get from parents is that we sometimes end up finding ourselves slightly sleepwalking into a situation that had we stepped ourselves a bit of time to think about it, we may have done something differently. So where we can is really try to think that. And that's where it goes back to this, what kind of parent you want to be? What kind of child do you want to raise? Because when we're crystal clear about certain things, and we've had conversations with our co-parent about certain aspects of parenting, which can be particularly tricky, devices is a classic one that almost every parent, once they've given their child a device, then wishes that they hadn't. Again, it's that long game. If we're reverse engineering, how do we then set up the handing over the distribution of electronic devices in a way that allows us to work towards the outcome that we're looking for? So it's really thinking about playing that long game. And as I say, sometimes we have to take those quick wins because let's face it, we're in the middle of a supermarket and we've got multiple children around going to be somewhere in about 10 minutes and they're having a complete hissy fit. And right now I've made the decision, I want a short-term win and I've just given in. And that's absolutely not an issue if that's a short-term win in a very specific situation. But if that becomes a pattern, then we're not playing the long game because we need to unpick that at some point. So that's number five is focus on the long game. Number six, curate your information feed. Parenting is the hardest thing we will all ever do. I genuinely, it is the hardest thing I have ever done and I continue to do even harder, quite genuinely than my PhD. So make sure that you get your information, that the information that you get is kind to you through the process. Being obsessive about it before you have to do it. And I think that's a really important thing. And I think that's a really great start. And then keep doing it. And this isn't just about curating your social feeds. It's the books you read, the people who advise you that you listen to. Yeah, even mine. Question the advice you get regularly. Does it sit with the way that you wrote down you wanted to parent? Really? Really? Does it sit with the way that you wrote down you wanted to raise? Really? If it's not consistent, then take action. Politely say to somebody, thank you for your opinion. If I need some advice, I'll ask for it. Unfollow. Stop reading the book or the article. Stop listening to the podcast episode. It's not about making any judgment on anyone else. It's about staying true to your family and how you treat them. And I think that's how you want to raise your children. Be vigilant to the comparison gremlins. They are persistent. So this curating is something that you'll need to do regularly. It's not about cutting people out of your life, but it is about being smart. And it's about being consistent in your questioning, because otherwise what tends to happen is you sort of, you find yourself blindly doing something, or you find yourself beginning to feel that you're not enough, that you're failing in some way from some unrealistic vision of what it is to be a parent. And so I think it's really important that we do that. And there's more things that will help you with that curating your feeds. So that's number six. Number seven, this is a really, I did not learn this one until a very, very long time into my parenting. And I have, now speak quite passionately about it. Don't lose sight of who you were before you became a parent. Now, of course, becoming a parent is likely to change you. Everything changes when we have children, but the core inside of you and how you are should have room to develop and grow. Nurture it as you would nurture your developing child. It's a gift which keeps on giving to everyone. And children are much more likely to do what they see than what we say. Be the role model you'd like your child to have. Do not lose sight of all of the bits that make you, you, whether that's the athlete in you, whether that's the bookworm in you, whether that's the social butterfly in you, whether that's the entrepreneur in you, whether that's the workaholic. Do not feel that the role of parenting is going to change you. The role of being a parent now consumes every other role that you had previously. And every part of who you were before is unimportant. That just simply isn't the case. When we nurture and we cultivate who we are in that way that we develop and we change and we grow, that serves everybody. Because at some point, by the data it looks like it's later and later, but at some point your children will leave home. They will go on to lead their own lives. And if you have not nurtured yourself, you are, what often then happens is you find yourself sort of asking that question of what have I, you know, you've lost continuation of the things that mattered to you because everything has been about your children. And children end up becoming so much more rounded when they see their parents continuing to be themselves and continuing to cultivate their interests and their passions because that then helps and creates an environment and a culture within our family that shows our children that it's also about cultivating their, you know, who they are and their passions and being curious about what those might be. So number seven is don't lose sight of who you were before you became a parent. Number eight, nurture and cultivate your village, your tribe, your community, whatever you want to call it, but they will help you stay true to you because they'll hold you to account. They'll help you parent authentically back to that. What kind of parent do you want to be? And they'll keep you grounded in your values. No, this isn't about parenting friends. It's not about, of course you're going to have parenting friends, but this isn't about, you know, having a village or a tribe that is filled with other parents. This is about people who speak to every part of who you are. Parent, employees, friend, lover of books, swimmer, athlete, whatever it is that you are and across all generations. That's such an important, that's an important piece because when we can be truly ourselves and be surrounded by people who get us, who know us, who we can be truly open and honest with, that helps us. It helps take that package, that load that we carry with us so often as parents. And what I'm talking about, that authenticity and that honesty, it's about being able to say, do you know what? Parenting isn't quite what I thought it was going to be. And I'm really struggling with it. I'm not enjoying it. I'm not enjoying this stage. I'm finding myself feeling claustrophobic. I've lost all sense of who I am. Whatever it might be, you want to be able to have people around you that you can have those honest conversations with, as well as people that you can ask for advice and you know, that they are going to give you advice that doesn't come from a place of judgment, doesn't come from some escalated view or unrealistic view of what parenting should be, but they're going to be there. And they're always going to be that shoulder for you to lean on and that ear for you to bend when you need to do that. So number eight is about nurturing and cultivating your tribe. Number nine, and I would do this in front of the mirror, is practice saying no. You'll need this in every single aspect of parenting, but also in every aspect of the person that you will become in all of your other roles now that you have become a parent. It's about being able to be clear what your boundaries are, what you will and will not do, the advice that you're prepared to listen to, the things that you're prepared to commit to or not commit to, priorities which are important to you. just keep practicing that no that thank you for thinking of me but right now I've got too many other commitments to be able to help out whatever it is you will know what that no needs to look like it's not no it's not practicing no to say to our children it's practicing no so that you can provide yourself the space the attention the energy the resources to put to the things that you value things are going to change expect the unexpected you may well be a miracle worker in juggling multiple things but that does not mean that that will continue and some things will have to give so practice saying no that's number nine number 10 is learn to take care of yourself and your energy and if you are expecting your very first you have an optimal you have an ideal opportunity to experiment to prioritize so we there's a lot and I've been talking about it for a decade if not longer about self-care self-care is child care when we take care of ourselves we have more resources energy we can show up more authentically as who we want to be to our children and to our family when we have taken care of ourselves and taking care of ourselves is going to look different for each and every one of us it may well be as simple as having 10 minutes to have a cup of tea in peace it may be in those early weeks and months just simply being able to have a snooze have a bath have a drink with a friend whatever that might be for you and whatever age and stage you are at when it comes to parenting learn to take care of yourself because your children are watching you and when you take care of yourself when you place yourself at the top of the list when they see you creating boundaries and saying no and prioritizing it helps them see how important that is and because that you're modeling it they're much more likely to do it so my top 10 just to kind of recap number one keep an open mind number two is think about what kind of parent you want to be for yourself first and then maybe have that conversation with your partner and your wider tribe potentially if they're going to be actively involved regularly with raising your children what kind of child do you want to raise ask yourself what are the values that you want them to embody again do that first have a conversation with your partner have that conversation within the wider community as well reflection is crucial and it's not about the amount but about the quality focus on the long game rather than always the short-term wins curate your information feeds whether that's social or whether that's people around you don't lose sight of who you were before you became a parent because that will help you through the challenging times and will demonstrate to your child just how important it is for them to be true to themselves to nurture and cultivate the village tribe and community which will help you stay true to you and raise that resilient adult practice saying no and learn to take care of yourself and your energy i hope that that has been helpful to all of you who are expecting their first but also to every parent at every age and stage of their parenting journey as ever if you have enjoyed this podcast if you enjoy the podcast if you have just listened for the very first time if you could take a moment to rate follow and review this podcast i would be eternally grateful so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
Speaker 1blood donation is now more inclusive more lgbtq plus individuals are able to donate blood with the american red cross due to fda guidelines that eliminate eligibility questions based on sexual orientation the red cross celebrates this historic change and welcomes those who may be newly eligible to donate blood there's a place for everyone in the mission of the red cross including you the red cross is committed to achieving a blood donation process that treats all potential donors with equality and respect while maintaining the safety of the blood donation process blood supply join us and help save lives to learn more and make your appointment to donate blood visit red cross blood.org lgbtq that's red cross blood.org lgbtq
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