Smoking with three hands - correct audio!

What's up, you savages? It's Tuesday, July 28th. It's the church of what's happening now, the new testament of love. I got my sidekick and brother, Mr. Johnny Hitler, aka Lee Sayette, to flying you. And I'm back with, I lived another life, another week. That's how I live now. Tuesday to Tuesday. I made it another week. Is that just how you like you start the podcast? Yeah, man, I made another week. We got one more week out of me. You know what I'm saying? Is that what happened a day to day? Now it's week to week. I go day to day, but every Tuesday I celebrate. I made another fucking week. And you believe this shit? I know you have goals, but someone asked me what like your five year plan was. I was like, he doesn't. Right now. What my five year plan? I got a plan. I got a plan that has a, contingency, an option. Okay. All right. It's 18 months to stand up. So I turn 65. Then the option is either to kick it. Depends what I look like. You know, if this, if this I kick it, even kill yourself. Oh, kick it, kick it, like we get stand up. Okay. If this I closes up anymore, I can't go up there with a night patch because that's funny. It's really flag on it. You couldn't. Yeah. I put a little flag on it with a big dick. But no, that's just contingencies. How I feel where I'm at that time. I see myself don't stand up for a long time. But I don't, I don't see myself driving, you know, six hours to Pittsburgh. No, you know what I'm saying? Like it's just things I'm willing to do. I think it's going to be for me. It's going to be good to continue to write and journal every day. Yeah. Just through the dementia bullshit, the muscles, you know, you got to feed the muscles. If you lose muscle, as you get older, that, that's a higher tendency for fucking dementia. So listen, man, my took, let's face it. Okay. My grandmother and grandpa were second cousins. So there's some retardation right there in the family. It's a fucking island, okay. Don't speak about it much because it's not proud. It's like a, it's horrible. I didn't even talk to 23 and me. My uncle told me to sit down and I was like 10 because if you start hearing voices and shit, it's just a straight line on one side of your mother because your grandmother and your grandfather are second cousins. It was an island. Once you fuck everybody, you don't have to bump into a cousin eventually. That's fucking. It was dark last night. I didn't see your eyes. I'm saying. So, all right, we got that. Ultimately, my parents said that but not from dementia. Well, maybe they took a look of me. It's a fuck. How ugly the F2B as a kid that your dad just kills himself after like three years? I don't see no improvement. I'm just going to jump off the Hudson. Didn't you think it? He's just out there somewhere watching. He's dead as this. Trust me, but it's like there's so many contingencies. Do I want to shoot a special? No, I don't ever want to be put back in the system. That's it. I'm a, I'm a fucking, I don't want to go back into the system. I'm enjoying that I'm shooting a movie. I'm very fortunate in my age, but at the same time, like, I, this is way over the top for my plans on life. I thought right now I'd have like a one bedroom apartment and share it with George, you know, a little kitchen and a little hot stove. And every other month, the cable gets cut. But you have chicken collets, huh? But you have chicken collets. We have chicken collets. You know, it was just so many expectations, but I've fulfilled in that manner. Yeah. But right now, I don't want to go back in the, I talked to a lot of people and that's good enough for me. I still talk to friends at Netflix. I talk to friends at fucking the touring people that just sent me an offer. My nation, my nation. I love how you're doing a tour at huge theaters. Look, I'm not in the, I'm not in the, you're, you're fucking, that's, they're not huge theaters. There's 2,000 theaters. That's a lot of fucking people. A wipe in their ass with my ticket sales in a business right now. There are people that are, you look at these people at these arenas and you go, wow, wow. But again, if you build it, they'll come. Yeah. If you build it, you pop a show somewhere close to where you came from, it's going to do great. You know, like if you stay away from that for two years and then you make it a big homecoming, you could put anybody in a fucking stadium. Take your chance. Yeah. Take your chance. Columbus did. That's only one way you're going to find that. It's cool to see people blow up like they, we were talking before that Kevin Hart showed the funny AF, the guy who wanted this year was a, a door guy at the store. I'm going to throw off a handbag as little. Oh, yeah. I used to do mics with him. Ron Taylor. Now he, like, he, he puts up his posters. He added a 3 p.m. show. He's like, dude, I, he, he's on the road for like 18 days straight at certain points. And I'm like, good for you, dude. That's cause like, I know how you're like, it's, they wipe your ass with it with your ticket sales. Dude, if I, if I sell 2000 tickets in my career, I'll be like, that's fucking pretty cool. Like 2000 tickets in one night is fucking crazy. And I, yeah, but I get, I know what you're saying. But it's a, I, it's, you know, for a semi retirement, it's not bad. It's not bad. Rich for us, knock on what? He's 68, 69. You'll get some planes every other weekend. You know, he loves it. He, it's a bad. His kids are gone. Everybody knows you just sit there. I mean, how many times is the Godfather going to be on every day? Four, five, eight, fucking equalizer. One, two, three, you can't, you can't. You can't. You'll lose your fucking mind. My show comes back this Sunday though. The lioness. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That bitch is coming back strong and shit. So, you know, you get excited. Like, yeah, we Sunday. I got something to do. Yeah, he weeks, the 10 weeks or whatever. Guys, I'm not going to wind on your motherfuckers yet. Nick has a job. He sees people all day. George, he lives on the strip. He's up and down talking to anybody who's talking. He's protested. I, anybody who's stopping talking to George. George will talk to him about anything. Make a bit of a guy will say, hey, how do you get the North Bergen over here? I'll tell you just live in North Bergen. Yeah, when my first out, you're there for 35 minutes of peace. Stop at Rome, but Tom George, you say, huh? But, you know, we're around. I'm not around that. Right. And you have no idea. Like, I know if, like, if I just wake up in the morning and eat breakfast and then get in the car and go for a ride, that's as good as it gets for me. Yeah. I ain't nobody to talk to. They ain't nobody around. There ain't nobody to smoke. We with, and I'm telling you this sincerely. Like, there ain't nobody. And listen, I'm alone and I like all this shit, but you have to talk to somebody. That's why I, I go to the gym and the boxing gym and I go to PT. I tried to do anything where there's 80 people in the room. Right. Like I talked, even though I don't say two words on that. But if I go to the gym, I'll talk to Sean a little bit. How's your knee? How's your ass? How's this? That's very important after 60. Because after you retire, what do you retire to? A chair? Is that what you're telling me? Yeah, a lot. Yeah. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen because I can't wake up and throw the TV off. I can wake up and after an hour, I can throw a computer on 45 minutes. I get to throw a computer on them. Come on, guys. After an hour and a half on the computer, you know you feel like a fucking loser. Imagine eight hours a day. You check your Facebook, you check your YouTube, you post something on Twitter, then you got Instagram. That's why I only have Instagram on my phone. Yeah, you know, you can get stuck. Now I got Twitch. Yeah. That's my life. That's all I need to do is the video capabilities. But it's like, you know, you get bored, man. So forget about the fucking night time in my house. It's sleepy bills. As you walk in there, we're laying back watching TV. There's no excitement in the fucking house. So I'm hoping now that she gets older, maybe there'll be some action in the house. At least I got a yell at somebody. Get the fuck out of my house. You little air of brick. Oh my god. Whatever the fuck. But it's very lonely down there. I get it. I mean, what do you? And I know you didn't have like a corporate job, but there's a lot of people listening who work remote like that. If you like you, yeah, you work for a moment. You don't move out of that bedroom. No, I don't put pants on. No, no. That's going to kill you, actually. But I go out every night, which is different. I understand, but there's a lot of people who, and there are some people making the best of it. Like they travel and they go to a different city. Some people move out of the country and like make a lot of money right away. But for a lot of people, if you work remote from nine to five and then you watch TV, like you never leave the house. That's like going to work for me. No. I tell you, there's a lot of things that I look at. Like you just see an older couple and they're holding hands. He's got sunglasses on. She's got her summer sandals. That sounds nice. And they're walking on a ship and like life after retirement. Listen. I'm never getting on a ship, and I'm never wearing those sandals, you know what I'm saying? So it's not me. No, it's not me. I can't, I don't see myself doing that because of my knee, the walking along distances and shit, but I just made my wife do that. You know, she, nah, I'm not putting her down. No, I'm just saying that. I don't think she'd want to do that either. I won't get it. She won't get on the fucking ship, right? Like my wife is against it more than anybody. What is she called a peat tree boat? Oh, yeah. The food used to be great on there. Now they give me the same shit that's a denny stuff. Yeah. And they're happy people from Iowa like, oh my god, these eggs, nah, that's fucking garbage. Yeah. Yeah, they got a lot of cakes. You show all the fat people with their diabetic legs, walk up. That's always a fucking thrill. That's always a good day for me. I don't want to see that shit. No, but speaking of food and like you're talking about like not like doing stuff, are you excited for the food at the movies? Like when you're making the movie? Not really. No. No, it's only one day. Oh, okay. I think you're there for a few days. I'm there for a few days, but that's not the way used to be anymore. I mean, I don't know. Maybe he does get a great food truck. That guy's whipping up shit. And then, but ever since COVID, they switched that around. Every movie said, there's a fucking truck. You walk into it. Right. And it's just candy. Oh, I need to be an actor. Everything. I mean, you go in there. They got the tea section. They got every tea. Solders every soul. They got everything. It's like booze. Yeah. And they don't do it anymore because there was a spider man that you were eating monsters. Listen, it's like anything else. The United charge you 50 bucks per luggage. After the gas went down, they never gave it back to you. They never. So that's your answer for that first question. Right. After COVID, COVID put all these restrictions and producers are fucking. That's an extra 200 in my pocket if I don't, you know, whatever. I don't know how it works. It's not my business. But like, I'm excited to go there, but it's an hour from Atlanta. Okay. What are you excited about for the movie? I'm excited to be in a movie. Yeah. Except for, do you get insurance back? Or do you have insurance with them? No. But, you know, I'm always optimistic when I get up and look, I saw this movie was being made not even ask. I didn't even ask my agent. I don't want to, you know, also, they call me with an offer. Oh, you didn't have to audition? Nothing. Nice. Nothing. That to me is I did something nice with somebody and I just got it back. Right. I'm not making no money. I'm making sag minimum, whatever sag minimum is. I'm doing it to be in a movie. I get a little exposure. It could be my last movie. Oh, when is it getting released? Do you know? Yeah, I know all this shit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if you're going to get released after you die. No. Okay. What the fuck knows when it's going to get released? But it's a joke, Lee. It's a joke. I know it's a joke. Just the fact that somebody called me and gave me one day I get on my hands and knees. I think I'll strap a bomb on and walk around by ain't going to pull the trigger. I'll walk around a little. All our bomb on me. Don't get next to me. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I'm very grateful for shit like that. And it's a day. So even if I don't like it, I'm out at the end of the day. Right. It's one scene in a car with Pete. That's it. Nice. That's it. I get up Friday morning. I'm back in Newark by 1117. Come on now. Of course, you know the times. Do you know your lines already? I know the paragraph. That's all I need to know for right now. That in time, I'll keep looking at it, adding. It's shit that I would say. So it's very easy. All right. What was the last time you were in an Apple TV thing a couple of year or two ago, right? Three or four years. A couple of years. Okay. Wow. I shot that. Just I've been here. What else? Guns up. Mm-hmm. Three years ago. It took two years. You know, I know these movies are coming out no more. It's all different from the different world. Again, I'm grateful. Right. Have they asked you though? Like, do you know, it was like, can they make an AI Joe ideas and put it in movies? Do you have no idea about that? No. I haven't asked. I don't care. You don't care? There's a check, there's a check about them. We'll talk. Right. There's a check. I don't care about AI, AI's mother and other shit. You don't use any AI, do you? Not even close. People are doing their whole days on it now. We've been like a whole days. Like you can like be like, hey, I'm going to, I even on Google Maps. You can be like, hey, I'm driving from here to here. Tell me where to stop for food. Tell me like, you like, or like, what, I'm going to New York. What's in my day being? That's why the shit you eat is terrible. I don't ask AI. Yes, you do. You ask AI in Google and you open all that shit. I do ask Google. Yeah, I know. I just go to, I just read the reviews. That's great. You don't read any reviews? How do you not read a review? I go in there by instinct. But what instinct to sign? There's a talent, but there's Arabs working in the counter. I need to be in there like this fucking mom walk all up and down close side. They're all Arabian. That's it. He'll walk into an ice cream shop and get mad or a pizza plate. Number one, what are you walking in there for? Why are you walking in there? I mean, you're a fucking grown adult. Why are you walking in that? But I, so if you walk in, listen, I'm fucking around. I know you're fucking personal reasons. Right. I have to look at the place. I want to see it. The only thing I do now that I got a little smarter computer letter is I'll look at the menu. Oh, yeah, you have, you never used to look at the menu? No. I just been all because a dear friend of mine, like if you gave me a rest from a recommendation, 100 percent, I wouldn't go in there. Because I know what you eat and I know that you'll tolerate bad food. Not as much anymore. It's harder in New York. Yeah, no, you love anything bad food. I know you're ready. You're attracted to it. You're attracted to bad food. I don't know why. There was a lot of it for cheap when I was fat. Yeah, I know, but now you want to eat cheap fucking food? That's going to clog your fucking asshole. You don't know what you're eating, man. That's it. Listen, as Americans right now, we have no idea where we're eating when we're not eating at home. And even then it's scary. You don't know what's in that state. No more. You don't know what's in this. You don't know what's in that seafood. That's the opposite to how to calm them stuck to it for the last eight hours of his life. And again, I've never looked at food this way. But the last six or seven years, I've heard like my neighbors went to Italy. And they were telling me like it's it's you can see the Americans. Yeah, sit there smoke a joint and you could tell American American their body type the way they walk. It's a different world. Those people eat fucking food. And it shows their skin looks radiant, you know, it's not the thing like in Italy, like you can eat as much pasta as you want. You're not going to get away. They don't even it doesn't have that much. Like if you eat pasta, you have diabetes, right? You can't eat pasta. And I know some people disagree with me, right? But I know that that's why a lot of those places have like it's called something, George, some type of pasta that does the free. Yeah. And then El Nito was important as pasta. And that's why people that ate it that would diabetic go in there and eat because it's pasta. Oh, yes. They use different flour. That makes sense. But every time you go, look, man, I saw a ramp. I had news yet as crazy as he is. He put a ramp down. He's like, and I'm guilty because I went to Derek Queen a few weeks ago. He's like, Derek Queen, find me the deri in there. They can't even call it like I'm not sure with Derek, but there's some ice creams. They can't even call ice cream because there's no cream in it. It's like ice dessert or something. McDonald's listen. I'm like a lot of America here on this thing. I want to eat a quarter pound every fucking day. Oh, by you motherfuckers. Yes. I could do a quarter pound without the fries every day and take my chances now. I could only get a quarter pound if I'm going to go home and that's like, I'm not going to eat a quarter pound on the way up to North Jersey. I don't trust for what happened. Who knows? But I want to be a part of it. You understand? You know, if you don't think I crave a fucking big Mac, that shit with the Russian dressing or the house dressing, the two levels. Doug, unless you're a fucking idiot, you know, everybody craves that shit. Yeah, but I know, I don't know what I mean. I don't know what's in that meat anymore. Doug, I grew up in New York City. I know all of I ain't every fucking hot dog corner. He'll tell you all the steak on a stick. But that was 93. Right. Now you're going to the city. It's like, well, I saw a food truck selling fish. Oh, yeah. On the way to the zone. Who would eat that? Who would eat that? Why would you commit to that? But there's just so many things that and we don't know reasons is which you know, we don't have the money. Yeah. So we buy, but I don't even look at that cabinet, no more. And every once in a while, I just throw shit away so my daughter won't need it. It's really cool. Yeah. Those fucking cheese crackers, we like those things don't kill you. And I can eat 10 boxes of them. - I love cheese crackers. - You know, potatoes, chips, they'll kill you. And again, I'm not here fucking being generally health and fitness. I'm just coming, I'm getting older. And for me to continue to be energetic or it's gotta be part of me. Like now when I go eat, I really look at things. - Yeah. - Yeah, I really fucking do, man. What sort of things are you switching out? Or what are you doing? - No more bacon. - I mean, I used to go off bacon all the time. Now no more bacon. I need a substitute, guess what? I get myself an eight ounce steroids bacon. - Okay. - Cheese and that bitch for breakfast, nice and thin. Come on, dog. - I was gonna say, if you switch to a turkey bacon, I'm gonna be pissed. - A sour dog bread to take down that faggotry I got. What is that, gluten? Whatever, they told me I lightened up on the gluten last time. You know, and then instead of getting, listen, I'm a rice pudding type of motherfucker. - Yeah. - Or I could get a corn muff and grilled with butter off the fucking grill and then tie that. I could do that all day long. - I can't. - No. - So I got to eat like a little fruit. So on the way I was cupping the pale juice and got a tub of water melon for three bucks. It's a cup. And that at least Jesus Christ, I mean some fruit today. - I don't, and this is killing me. And, but I have to stop with the Diet Coke. 'Cause I notice something like, especially the airports. Like, I drink Diet Coke in my head. 'Cause I'm like, "Oh, it doesn't have calories." It has the caffeine, but every person you see drinking Diet Coke or Coke zero is fat. Every single, I would like, what is, like, every single one. - You better off just drinking a can of Coke. Half the time, because of this shit that's in Diet Coke. You better off just drink one can of Coke. - Breaks my heart. I don't know. Dude, I used to get anxiety. - Just fucking water and stop running. Like would I be sugar free? - I do like, look what I have eat. Look what I have eat's good. - You're fucking ring pop play with a cherry ring pop. - I haven't tried the ring pop one. - Sugar free, come on guys. I drank two of them before I got a bet. Tip top would go in the morning. - But there's something in it that's, I used to like literally have like a physical anxiety. If I was, especially in L.A., if I was new I didn't have Diet Coke at home, I'd have to stop. I can't not have Diet Coke at home. Like, it's just, it was, it's crazy to me. And it's, I find myself drinking more. Like if I'm drinking that versus anything else, I'll drink three Diet Coke, but I'll have one water. Like if there's something in it that makes me want to drink more of it. And I just know there's something in it that's-- - I started talking about this Diet Coke shit 10 years ago. - I don't know why I keep drinking it up. Once you quit, get back to me. - I know how to do it. - You know you can't drink this shit. - You know you can't drink it. That's him. You're not a child. You're not a, you're not mercy. They don't know. - We can know. - We fucking know. - Yeah. - And at one point, you know, you gotta go, you know what? I'm not drinking that normal. And that's it. I love our excuse in the morning. I know I can't get it in the morning. It's got, it's a dose of sugar in it. And in the morning, I'm a fat fuck. Corners all goes up. I drink, I open up with a big bottle of, but I drink this shit, the coldest you could be. You want to enjoy water, put some ice cubes in that glass. Not three or four. Fill it up to the top. - Okay. - And drink that water real quick. You're gonna go, ah, and then you can start filling it up. You can't even breathe. That's how good that shit is. And then I do a cup of coffee. - See I don't even, I like my water room temp. You like it cold? Like freezing cold? - Cold. - I like it not cold. - It's like when something gives you a beer, when I call you and I go, hey Nick, I'm coming to your house. Do me a favor, bro. Put that beer, make it cold. Like I'm all, I put on the top shelf. I'll smack you in the fucking outfit just there. All right, go get some ice cubes, put in a bucket. I don't care if it's a spackle bucket. I'm not fancy. You fancy, huh? You, you know, I'm not fancy. I ain't fancy. So I don't give a fuck, but I rather that beer, but I can't even grab it. - Right. - Jesus, Nick, what the fuck? Or before you came, we cry off therapy that the whole fuck and deal with a fucking cold gun. I don't give a fuck, make it cold, because I know I won't taste it. - Exactly. - You won't taste it if it's really fucking cold. I, that don't work for me with milk. I hate milk no matter what. Let you put ice cream in it, blend it up in a little fruit that I'm very happy, but you, you find these alternatives. Bro, I love pizza, yeah? But I know either one slice or six or five, and then two beef patties. You see me do it. Oh, yeah. You saw me when we first moved here. We go to crispy, and we open up with two or three fucking meat patties, and I would eat a couple of slices, and then finish off with another meat patty. - And then carve out the crosses of three. - That's not normal, and then we go across three to carve out. - That's not normal. That's not normal, and I love food. Okay, you tell me what I think I should do. I'm not gonna travel. I'm not gonna do a stadium tour, like this year we're doing artificial turf to mix and know what I ain't got time for that. That's a lot of walking, you know what I'm saying? Into the abyss, you go on into these cities, you don't know. If I tell you what makes me happy still, is going to a town like nice to go to Boston. You and I hit legal seafood first. Yeah, of course. I get my fix on legal seafood. I'm good. After that list, and you can take the pictures of museums, and all that shit and show them up your ass, okay? There's some people that enjoy that. Not me, I'm resting for a show tonight. I'm bringing money home, so I ain't got no time to jolt around with you. Let's go to the records too. I don't listen enough. All the record on Amazon, I don't need to go down there. You don't. Now that's what I love the most about stand-up, is getting introduced to a city, and then to like the favorite food where those add and goes go to. - Yeah, you know, and sometimes it's not, I'm not gonna go to Kentucky and go to Bruce Chris. - No, you know, you don't wanna do that. So if I'm gonna go over the top, like today, I wanna eat light. Why? I'm going to Texas. What are you gonna happen the next three days? Briskett, burgers, tacos. - I don't do burgers. - I ain't telling burgers? - Why would I go to Texas to eat a fucking burger? Again, how much brisket can you eat? - I don't eat that much, brisket. - When you go to the last two or three times, I haven't even gone barbecue. I haven't gotten barbecue since I went down with you guys last day. - Yeah. - So what do you get? - Sometimes I go to Adivis and get a steak. Sometimes I go for sushi. Sometimes I go to Gus's. - If I told you I went to Austin and got sushi, I'd get me a 25-minute win. - It's just a 25-minute win. - I know, you just don't know what you would go. You go to a place where the fucking, they can be trapped just like half-carrying me. You know, you don't even know what the fuck he's doing because you wanna save the two bucks. I'll take you to a place in Austin where they still got fucking, they got that shit they got in their way. - Really? - That halibut. - Is that a halibut? - No, no, it's not halibut. Whatever it is. - You know, I go down there sometimes I just get tacos. I'm getting more Mexican than barbecue. Like if I go down there, first meal we get is Mexican. - That's all right. - The top of the end of the hotel. - Mm-hmm. - This time I'm gonna go to Chewies, going back to the gutter. You gotta get the queso. - That's where it all started. The queso there is kebab. - I had never had queso like that before. - And the swirl margaritas and that motherfucker, come on now. So I ran to go for that because guys, what do I do for work? - Talk. - When do I do it? - At night. - Okay, when are you gonna go eat barbecue? If you go eat barbecue with two, then you go back to the room. - Nap time. - And you're nap time and you wake up. You need three out of the salsa and a brioche. Whatever the fuck, brioche, whatever. - Yeah. - If I go at six, I gotta go down on there with this brisket. Telling the size of the beef bone that it was like a, it was like a beef rib. - Oh, the beef rib, I love that. That's like the Flintstones thing. - $200 a bone like this. - Yeah. - Uh, you know, if I eat that shit which I want, even that night, we all went and I was like, I'll do the brisket at one point, I was like, that's it. - No, you can't eat before you go on stage. Not like that. - I don't enjoy it. - Right. - I don't enjoy it. And I'm wasting time. Because I'm going to be with six or seven people, talking from wasting time. So I rather not eat till afterwards. - Oh, because you're going to be hungry anyways. I love eating after a show. - I'm full afterwards. Put the whoop watch on the next time you go on stage into 20 minutes. Hey, Uncle Joe is about to let you know a little secret. You should be waking up feeling strong. Tip top magoo, feeling like a bad motherfucker. But you got to do it naturally and consistently. Zappoli T1 is a daily supplement built, specifically for men with 14 natural ingredients. And one daily formula, you got your zinc, you got your vitamin D3, you got magnesium, those are the pillars and other powerful ingredients all work to support your body's natural testosterone production. About six weeks ago, I took a blood test. It came back to that until testosterone of a woman. I almost died. I started taking Zappoli. And here it went all the way up. 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Watch how it went from 4.8 to 5.11.5, and all you did was 30 minutes. You're like, "What the fuck? You're working up there." Have you had the woop on when you bombed? Is it different when you're bombing? I don't fucking know, Lee. I don't. I don't know. I sweat when I bombed. All right, talk about this. I don't want to talk about that bomb. Talk about the bomb with the tranny. Sky, tell us, because I knew you weren't. No, I was asking about who. You're like this guy. I was asking about who, but I didn't even bring it up, but yeah, I didn't have since you asked. I had one of the worst sets of my life. It was, it was his style, but I honestly wasn't going to tie. I was just asking you if the calories are more when you're bombing. I'd be interested to know. Who the fuck knows? I don't know. Maybe a heart rate, but that's not part of the story. Tell me a story about it. It was just a show. I've been thinking about after it happened. I wasn't really even that upset, because it was just that bad. I've been thinking, because you had a time when you were doing too many, like you said, yesterday too many things. The people who run the show were very nice. They listened to the podcast, but it was like, it wasn't the wrong. I'm not really a macho guy, or like, but they just opened the show with one guy who was wearing earrings and had his fingernails painted and talked about saying the F word, but the F word is friendly. And it was just a lot of snaps. And then the person to before me was this transgender woman who looked like me if I was 60 years old and had had, it was a man, but it was trying to be a woman. It was, yeah, they were trans. And they opened up a like a 10 minute song about being trans and then did like 20 minutes. They had to play her off on the tonight show or the Oscars. I think it wasn't a bomb before you move any further. You were in the wrong motherfucking place. Yeah. So she hears my question to you. They said they opened up their set with I have a lot to say about trans people. And as a comedian, I opened up my set with, Hey, friend, I have a lot to say about trans people too. In my head, that was going to be, I knew I knew it was 50, 50, but as a comedian, I just felt like I had to do it. I applaud you for that. And I wasn't going to say anything negative if you know me, but like I knew I shouldn't have opened with it, but it was like the first word out of my mouth. And from the point on, they just next time either way, I just got to talk to you about a lot of training. They're going to freeze up and go, I don't worry about it. I got an uncle who's the trans I learned, you know, just say you have a relative. No, that's a trend. And they won't take it that bad. You have a cousin that's a little fucked up. But it's, it was something in the air that night, because then I went to another club and I saw some guy do 20 minutes to just silence. It was, but I don't know, some bombs, some bombs are bad. And I was sweating the whole time. So I definitely think you do burn more calories, but it was, it was probably one of the worst sets I've had in two to three years. It was almost, there was the, the set of the original Dojo where there was a trans person who used to go to Kiltoni at the store a lot. It's very like a hot trans person. And I opened up, the comic before me was fucking with her and she was liking it. And I opened up my side with like you ladies are fucking up. The hottest chicken here has a dick. Everyone else loved it. She said, I look like Danny DeVito and threw a pepperoni at me, but, but it was it's a, I don't know, some of some bombs I get upset about, but that one I, but I had a great weekend. I got to do, I had like a real New York comedy weekend. I did five sets in two days, which makes me understand why you're moving Austin, because going from like, walking 10, 15 minutes between sets, going upstairs downstairs, taking the train half an hour, I was fucking tired. It's a lot. Yeah. People have no idea, even if you have to drive, even if you just drive in park and then fuck, there's a, I'm parking two feet from a fucking meter or whatever the fuck the fire hydrant, then you got to walk and you got to go in there and people talk to you. It's a lot of energy taking. That's why I'm lazy. I'm an old gentleman. So I want to do two spots in one place. Yeah. That Tuesday, I have an opportunity to do four spots in one building and one building without fucking leaving. Yeah. The same shit I had at the store. I'm a creature habit number one and I'm very lazy. I'm lazy as a motherfucker. Yeah. And if it's between me driving all over God's creation, I just want to do spots, but I like it when you could do two or three in one night. I've always liked that. Oh, it's the best. Maybe two there on one down the corner, but not two there and I got to get in the car and drive all the way to Pasadena. I'm dead by the time I get to Pasadena. Right. 10 o'clock show. I've done it. I've done all that shit, you know, but you do what you could do. Yeah, but it's, it is. It definitely is fun, but it's also like I did three. I did I think 25 minutes out of the or something like that, but it's and I love New York and I'm not talking shit about it, but it my dream is not to be like a New York comic. My dream is to be is to be on the road selling out clubs. That's like because I love doing the long like the longer sets. Those like by the end of the third set, it was after midnight and it was a great. I had it was honestly my best show with a night probably, but I didn't I didn't do material because it wasn't worth it. It was it, but it was I don't know. There's something about those five Thursday through Saturday club weekends that it's just my favorite. I don't know. It's it's so much fun. It's my favorite. Very good. Here we go. Listen, everybody has different things going on in their lives. 35 years of doing this. Should I did that for a long time? Stuff pops up in your life and you're like, all right, I can't do that now. And it's fine because I always paid my dues and you have to pay yours. Whether it's nine years or 20 years to eat, you know, I mean, right now in the last four conversations we've had the last two weeks, you're very consumed with tickets. Better get that off your fucking sleep. Get that up. That's one thing you're worrying about that you can't control. You could put a flyer up. You could do something else and then pray for the rest. But if you're thinking that it's going to triple in time, it takes time. I still remember doing 75 tickets like a year. Then I went to 150. Then I put 200 seats in New York. Wow. Okay. Now we're cooking. Then I went to rock chest and sold 90 tickets. But you start somewhere and you just I can't worry about that right now. And once you don't worry about it, that's when it happens. It's not this is a weird business and it's even weird. And now nothing is fucking guaranteed. People tell you, you know, Rontaler and kill Tony and then what if you do it, you kill and nothing happens. Oh, yeah. Okay. So these are the things you have to worry about when you're doing this thing. What lacks now is the ability. You're doing a Saratoid comedy festival. Okay. Now it's no work near the Montreal. No, you have to figure out a way to make that Montreal when you promote it. Okay. That exciting and that exciting. Okay. Because that is important to you. Yeah. Because now you have something to work off. Hey, he was just at the Saratoid Hoga fucking comedy festival when he killed. It may not be something, but it is nothing for me. It was Denver, Denver, Denver, Denver, Feature Act, Feature Act, I went to Seattle and I did that festival. I did the comedy competition festival. As much I didn't like any of that shit is one of the best things I did in my career. It introduced me to eight or nine different comics from different regions. Now when I would work that region the first time I had somebody stay with. I hadn't know what to offer me in Seattle than a tent. Well, they could sleep a month. Well, they could sleep in my car, you know. Right. Seattle was real important to me because they told me I would not do well because of my material. What is it? 1996 guys. Well, 95 was the first time I did it. 95 96 I hear a bag of dick but 95 was a heavy or it was like Aisha and that black kid, the kidney. We didn't have kidneys. We called them the kidney flooring. Oh, Jesus. That motherfucker. I didn't know where he came. You know, you have to like go to a trial. All right. You have to go to a trial and you're like, I know who's trying out. Coco from Northburg and this guy from Fort Leib, but then you get to the trial. And there's a dude slamming that you've never seen before. And you're like, look, where you from? He's like, Northburg. Are you from North burg? I never seen him. My parents said they worked down the shore. So every day I go down the ocean to academy and I'm an all American, all American. What the who invited you to this fucking thing? I was already starting. I was going to say, yeah, I was already starting me walking. And when I went to that Seattle, I had the same thing. I'm going up against all local guys and maybe some guys from San Fran that I know when I got there, that was motherfuckers. I never even saw before. And you're like, so that plan you have, like I was supposed to, if I were to place the first night, I would have I came in like 13 out of 15. And I'm telling you this is a fact. Like I went on that night. Furious. Of course, there was no no coax. No, there was nothing had to flip it around. Then the second night I placed like third. So now I knew I was in this competition. I made it to sixth. That's good. I beat by Isha Taylor. So I didn't never felt that bad, but I felt great. Now to me, to you, that was nothing. But to me, when I saw all those bookers from Seattle were at different nights. So you had the bookers from Portland, the bookers from Oregon, you had the bookers from San Francisco. So now when I would call them, I'd say, oh, I would just make a flyer up. I didn't even know how my girlfriend would make it up for me. And I go to kinkos and fax it to everybody. Took six and a sandwich to the comedy. So now you have something to work off. But you can't expect things to happen when you're not working or something. Because it's not like my phone. When I open up my phone, I could find three comedy sets there. When I open a Instagram, yeah. Comedy sets, people playing the drums, this chubby chick dancing. So I got to compete against this. I'm not even competing against, and I'm competing against this. Exactly. Then when you're fucking that show that you destroy that, that's how fast. Oh, yeah. It's gone. Michael Jackson, personator. You know, this killed Tony with car. This chick with big tits. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? It's great to be here tonight. So we're banking too much on that. That should be more for like specific fucking dates. Zero down them. You know, I wouldn't like I told everybody a month ago. I wouldn't put up stand up anymore. It doesn't matter. And if it is, they're all talking to the audience and it's brilliant. Yeah. It's just it's hard. I don't know. It's hard to know what's going to bring people out. And it gave you a recipe a while ago. That was very easy, very doable. It was the same concept. You promote a comedy special every 90 days. 13 minutes, eight minutes. And then write a blog with it. That's how Josh Johnson blow up. He does five minutes a week. Well, I've been telling you this for years because you're always putting something on every 90 days. To me, Nick and George, that might be an ask why it's big to you as you're doing it. Yeah. Got a nice YouTube page to premiere that, you know, stream party. Even if you get full of people, what do you give a fuck? But again, if you stream, what are you going to go? That joke I wrote when I was in the bathroom with Chi Chi. So why stream it? Right. Why, you know, yeah, I don't I totally get what you're saying. It's um, this is what you sell of it. When you call me. Hello. Hi, Joey Diaz. Yeah. Listen, man, I heard you're an agent. You can help me on the road. Who gave you my number? Nick asked me to set the call. You're great. Yeah, Nick's a good guy. How can I help you? I'm doing a spot tonight. It's short notice, but I'm doing a spot tonight at the improv eight o'clock. A bunch of people going to be there. I can send you the faxes with whatever, with who's confirming and shit. That guy don't show up. My kids sick. I don't know. But if I have a minute, I'll swing down. That means you ain't coming. Yeah. So the next day, your first call is to that guy. Hey, man, I didn't see you last night. I wanted to say goodbye to you before you left. He didn't come. But I wanted to say goodbye to you and ask you what you thought or whatever. Lee, I didn't make it last night. Oh, how did it go? Anyway, it was great. Rodney Dangerfield showed up. Chappelle showed up with the Supremes. You just start lying. Right. Who didn't show out Elvis was there. Elvis came into two fucking minutes last night and probably you're building something with people. And you're going to be calling 10 people a day to tell him this rap. And two years are going to sign with a complete different agent. They won't even part of the tent. But at least the guy now, when you hit, they'll talk to you when they see you. Hey, how you doing? Your agent walks over. Hey, you with him. Oh, my God. Call me on the side. I may have something for you. That's what you get. At least they know you exist. How do you? Did you were talking about the competition? I had my first spot at a like a specific club this weekend. And I was, I did really well. I was happy with it. But I felt more nervous than I felt in a while. Like when you have a big set, like a competition or an audition, how do you handle like the nerves that aren't there for like a regular set? Just go to the joint. Go to the fucking thing that works. Sometimes the joint makes you a little bit more fucking, but the joint really helps you. That would help you calm down. You won't be. It's like you you're a fucking Jew. You know, you're thinking about numbers all the time. They know numbers. They know numbers, but so why think about it? Focus on what's going to get you to the next thing. You're a Jew. I made an observation. I know you're 12 years. We went to gamble last time. You were highest fucking. You were ripping 20s and 50s out of that wallet. Like there was no tomorrow. You ended up winning 1112. Usually you lose 200. I'm going to my room. Then he goes upstairs. He goes deep in the sock. And there's like 60. And he'll say next day, I just sleep. I went up and took an app and then I went downstairs about 4 a.m. I went back. You know, and you're like, this is who he is. But if he would have gave it a break, and he lost two, put another two down, lose that too. Then you know, you need to go upstairs and take a shot and take the food to offer you. It's not your night. Yeah. It's not your night, but used to give up at two. And then try to get it back with like these little interval runs. Then they take you back. You need to just smoke a joint. Okay. So as you walk and you're talking through the black dealers, get some extra five. You could tip them, throw it up in the air. You know, you're, you're all right. As a matter of fact, a Jew will never throw money up in the air. No. There's not a Jew in America that you'll have to see at a festival throw up dollars and shit. They don't go to strip clubs. Right? I'm only at the seeds. Go to strip clubs because they don't want any motherfuckers. But my point being that it's like me, I'm susceptible to stupidity. I'm no better than you. But when I smoke a joint, I can look at it more and go, okay, it's just part of what we are now. Nothing you could do. Nothing you could talk to them. There's nothing you could do anymore. There way beyond that. So, okay. That's like, do you still get nervous at all? Yeah. Yeah. And I get nervous a week out. Really? Oh, yeah. Come on guys. How about what? Like, what makes you nervous? I don't have no material. I got to dig up this fucking material now. But I've been doing a lot better way. Because I finally got a separate notebook and I'm going back to writing. Like, I used to write. I didn't think, you know, I just get embarrassed about telling stories anymore. So, I want to do rapid fire material, but I'll get 20 jokes out of a story. Yeah. So, why would you be embarrassed about telling stories? I don't know. I want to evolve a little bit. I want to be like John Mulaney. You know, you love making things harder for yourself. You say you're lazy, but then you like, I've never met anybody who throws out the material quicker than you. You'll do work on something for three weeks. That's I'm done with it. It's all with it. That's it. I didn't like where it was going. Oh, even if it's doing it, it could be your closure. Yeah, it's you love making. So you're trying to switch it up. Okay. And talk more. What's going on with me? What's going on with me at this age? How am I adjusting? Like what I was telling you guys earlier, it's lonely at the top. Yeah. It's lonely in central Jersey. It's how are you feeling about the move to Austin? It's not a move, dog. I'm gonna get these calls lately. And all I want to say is it's really sad. It's really fucking sad. That's all you want about what? What's that? I got so many things sent at me and yeah, that got an interesting call from a kid who's like my brother. He is my brother on paper, Pete Powell's album. And what's talking to you is the reason I'm calling you is I just want wish you good luck, whatever you decide. I go, Pete, what are you talking about? Aren't you and the wife breaking up? I go, Pete, who told you this? And he goes, a bunch of guys said that you were getting divorced and you're moving to Austin. I never said that. This is why I tell you that people stupid and you cannot feed these people because they take one scenario and turn. Can you imagine somebody just saying that? Well, and then he thought, oh, you're moving to Austin. No, I've said it a thousand fucking times. It's a week a month. It's 97 degrees down there right now. People are fucking melting. What makes you think? The answer I just told you, I could deal with a heat for a block. Right. Now I'm walking into the best air conditioning in the world. It has been, I saw some on Twitter that was really disturbing. Oh boy. About me that somebody had just made up. Oh, I think about you. There was a video going along. Joey's moving to Austin because he's broke. That lion muse idiot. Now I could take these guys and soul for harassment. Well, that's called defamation. Defamation. You know, you should see somebody. I'm about to. Because I don't let if you tell the truth about me, but don't fucking say a lie. Like, I'm moving to Austin because I'm brother. But he's after taught it anywhere that kid who gets a second apartment when they're broke. I always said to you, I can't go to my wife. Listen, I live in a furry. I got a great relationship but my wife or a team. Before I make a decision, I go to my wife. We discussed it because she hits me from the non-war perspective. Yeah. I'm a comedy whore. She's the one that goes, what are you doing with this? What are you going to do with this? I remember that cost money too. And the license and all this shit. You're like, wow, okay. Oh, it was a question. You were saying that someone said something about you and like, you're getting ready to sue them. He was moving because I was broke. Yeah. I'm going back to get a allowance from Joe Rogan. I'm looking at this comment. Wow. Wow. This is all fairy tale. Dude, it is, but how great would it be to get an allowance? Wouldn't you love that? No, he's not my father. I'm not saying Rogan specifically, but if someone wasn't going to pay you to go somewhere. Nobody's going to give me, nobody's going to give me a dick. I got a fat ass. I'm 63. My ass smells like fucking condensed milk. Ain't nobody give me nothing. No more. I'm just saying that there's some people who are writing some fucked up shit on Twitter. I'm like, I can attack them, but you know what? If you're alive, there's that fucking pathetic. There's none I could do. I can't help you. Twitter, I got to be honest. I kind of abandoned like Twitter's kind of weird now. There's 800,000 people in there. I got a fuck around with them a little bit. And they've always been good to me Twitter. It's a little retarded, a bunch of ads, but that's all of them. Yeah. That's fucking all of them. So knock it off. That's all of them. All of them are fucking retarded. You sit down. You can't believe people are typing this shit. And you're like, what's on your mind? Yeah. That's what Twitter, Facebook ask you, right? Yeah. What's on your mind? Why are you putting a picture of you with six fat chicks eating fucking white castles down the shore? Three of them are telling because they got that ravioli heel from the dust, the ravioli dust. You know, when they throw the dust on it before they cut it, that flower on that, they got that fly. So I checked me in in a pizza place. I went to Carlos. Okay. A day to get to getting meatballs, spaghetti and meat sauce. And I saw a chubby town chick that was hot. But she was just chubby and her fucking heel because I always look at the heel. If there's dirt on it, I'm in. But if it's clean, I'm in. But if it's got that shield of dirt, old foot, and she had like that old foot, but it's like, he shed a feet and flower all day. I'm like, pass. I couldn't even check her out. No, check your shoes on. Do you have a thing for feet? Do you have a thing? Cause you've talked about women's feet for a little while. And I did a chick that's got at least pretty fucking feet. Once they got that Mondongong coming out over here. I'm out. I'm out. I don't want to see that. That hammer time. The Ashwoods tell. Like Eddie Murphy said. Yeah. You know, girls should have a beautiful foot. It's not like I'm going to suck on them that disgust me. But they're nice to look at. Would you ever do anything with you? Like, would you ever get a pedicure to help out? I'm not, I'm not saying put colors on. I'm too embarrassed. When they look at that fun glot toenail, those Chinese meat people could figure out a Rubik's cube. They're going to look at my fun glot toenail and they're going to be stuck a tower. A tower. When they say a tower, this is all it's not going to be good. I've done a couple of them for you. For Chinese chicks come to look at the same male. A tower. Oh, you said home. They kicked you out. They don't look, they don't like me. Cause my, my foot won't stop like moving whenever they're trying to like cut my toe. Cause you're a Julie, not only because of your foot. They see your foot and they go, what's that? Hush with foot. Oh, how shwitz foot. Look at it. It's got really did cut me the key. It's got Carl Cole on the bottom from the burning from the oven. The whole fucking thing. Oh my god. You know, I've never thought about my Auschwitz foot that much. Holy shit. He's got a tremendous Auschwitz foot. I really do. You can't shoot that thing when he plants. You ain't going nowhere. He's as strong as a bolt. You would tell me to just poke people with it. Like when I did the couple of jujitsu tournaments, you're like, just hit them with the Auschwitz toe. That Auschwitz toe is solids. It's like a, it's like a stick with a rock on the end. You can't stop with his toe is like solid. I don't know what it is. They do the thing where they like grind it. And like the, I love it. Dust comes out. Yeah, you take that dust and sniff it. And I'll bring it to and roll it in the joint. You won't even know it. You know, say what kind of weed was that? It's a good stuff. You did come with some pre-rolled joints today. I think didn't you? Not pre-rolls, but you rolled them. I rolled them. Did you put what did you put in them? Nothing. They were clean, Bobby. You say that, but then you break it out six months later that I smoked. We fell in the toilet. Well, then why bother me now? That means six months. Fuck you torture me now for you. Fuck. Oh my god. What else is going on, dude? Rough weekend, fungal joy this weekend. Oh, yeah. I was like Wednesday started off weird. I had a drive before I drove three and a half hours. I had a drive like an hour and a half before the three and fucking started. I was supposed to leave at 11. They had me waiting till fucking 3.30 with a prescription. And then I shot down and got there on time. The game was done. We went to eat the first nine. It was fucking good, guys. I went to it. Like everybody was sending me to this bar food shit. It's never gonna happen. I am burger. You fucking kill me with those fucking upstairs. So went to this place. I opened up with the crab. I was gonna say you had to grab soup was off the chain. The clams were so bad. They forgot to put garlic in the bitches. So you dipped the bread in the broth and it was like, oh, Jesus. But the seafood risotto on the best I have had. Nice scrab stuff. Everything. But they chopped up the pieces and put them in the rice. And then they also garnished it with clams and muscles and all that shit. It pretty had me duty and dessert. He brings a little pound cake with a shot of vodka with a shot of rum and you pour it on the fucking thing. And they just melts in. That sounds fucking good. Some of what and so the drive was rough or what was rough? Just being down there. You know, I got to I don't pay attention to things. It's not my world. I don't pay attention. I go there as they just go there and support my daughter. I'll say a word. I don't judge on pies. I don't say shit. I get so fucking high with sunglasses on. And I just sit there and enjoy the game and watch the girls hit. But this week was kind of weird. Like she had the game of her life. Like I never saw play a game like this. Then he benched up for the two games after that. And then it was torn of it. Now I'm a fucking student of red or back. If you're gonna do some red or back call 92 timeouts to make you think about it. My daughter was batten six to a seventh. And the two girls in front of her always got to put this. I was like, I saw the picture. The girl even put her hands up with her glove. I'm like mercy in my mind. I'm like mercy. She's off balance. She's doing it all wrong. When you clock him, he calls a timeout to switch the picture to run. There's no outs. What the fucking girl run? She's a tanked girl. And then on top of that, once the guy goes, yeah, how's your wife doing? They would have like an eight minute conversation. Now the girl's cold. Now the girl's cold. Everybody now everybody settled. Now everybody regrouped. You don't want them to regroup. That's part of the offense. Put on the gas. And I'm a retard. And I know this shit. And after like the third one, I just called them a fucking cocksucker. Yeah, you know me. The coach, yeah, the Cuban comes on. I'm sorry. And my daughter got mad at me. My wife got mad at me. I had to start yelling at my daughter. I got into my wife. I said, "Fuck, and I went to eat dinner with Mike Roney," and I got in the car and came home Friday night. That was that how quick, quick, because I knew I was going to say something the next day. So before I get myself in a felonious situation, especially in a different state, I don't know anybody. I might as well just go home. That's exactly what I did. How long was the anger brewing? It was brewing inside of me for a few weeks, but not at them, at all. No, no, no. I always got something going on to fuel me, you know, something to make me mad. Remember that time in the fourth grade that kids saw your bicycle, "God, I'm one of those idiots." It's, "Oh, my God." That time George came over and ate all the coconut mounds, like three of them, he ate all them. I can't say none to him. Ten years ago, for years, I look at those right. Every time I go to CVS and see a mounds, and I'm not saying George did this, I'm just giving you an example of what you drag around you sometimes. It's the dumbest shit. And I was just mad at everything last week, and I drived down there and now my fucking daughter is getting tortured. Now I hadn't spoken to her before that incident. After we cleaned up our house, I said to her, when he talked to you while I was mad, and she looked at me and she goes, "Dad, I was about to hit him with a bat." He did it. He did it for three times in a row. Had time out or whatever? I don't even know the rules, I don't care, but. And I don't want them to fuck with a confidence, bro. She, and then the coach don't know this, the other guy, "Oh, we're back to fucking white man, no man." Lee, talk to the coach. I'm just, "Oh, you know, how about you?" Talked, "Oh, you don't know." And then there's a girl that has tortured all of them. She calls them out. She told them last week, "Don't tell me what the pitch." She told the coach that? "Yeah, from now on I pitch, what I pitch." And she's great. This girl runs like Clemente. It's like fucking Clemente. She didn't want out of the park, and I sat down like this. She's a big girl. 15, she just thought. Okay. And what, like, said the picture, when, like, was the coach like far away and you yelled at him and said, "You're a cocksucker? Like, do you walk up to it?" No. Right? I was sitting right. That's whole plate right there. Come over here and say something to the arm. And once he started talking to the arm about pizza, was something like that, God. That was my trigger. I said, "Here you go, cocksucker again." He just looked at me and went into the fucking thing. You have to take more, you have to take more animals next time. Huh? You have to take more animals next time. I didn't take any. I was smoking dope with three hands. Oh, that's the problem. That gunpowder. Trust me. What's the gunpowder? You haven't tried the gunpowder yet. You're just saving it for a fucking rainy day. Yeah. Smoking the pipe. Really? Yeah. Don't work it on papers. Okay. It's a thing. So it goes running in your lungs. It's just smoking it. So you don't want to do that. Okay. Who's hot? I've never called, I would love to call someone a cocksucker. Man, if she got mad at me, I want to get dinner with Mike Roney, and the way back, I said, "You know what? I'm going upstairs and grab my shit. I want to go home and take a breather from all this for a day, I tell him. It's just too much for Uncle Joey." Do you, like, are you finding, like, are you a protective father, do you think, over-protective? But that was a cow, the bed was a nightmare. We had two beds in our room, both of them. My wife was waking up crooked. I woke up one day, took me an hour to get on to Jesus' pose, because I fell asleep with this arm like this, bro. This arm was Bob Dole and this arm was Jesus. I got up, bro, I had to drink two cups of coffee and shit, took me like a half hour to get in the car. I was not. I could not move. My knee hurt. You know, the bed was a fucking nightmare at this best western. A best western. That's where the team had to stay and put tournament rules. If you don't stay at that hotel, you got to pay 900 bucks to the tournament to stay at a different hotel. What? How's that one for you? Talk. It's a business. It's a business, guys. You're trying what? I thought I'm supposed to just go to the truck. Your truck could have a little mattress in the back. 900 bucks to stay at the hotel of your choice. Fuck you. To business, guys. Yeah. I didn't even know my wife pays like $1,000 a year to be there to him. Him. A lot of fucking money. We were growing up. We just showed up. For like $60 bucks. They gave me a shirt. You paid for cleats. Herbie was happy. And the North Bergen gave me, let's say you ran track for the high school. They gave me tracks. Sneakers. You go to Levy's and say, listen, they don't fit. But while I'm here, let me get a prepare cleats and they're like, okay, it adds up. Are they pushing it as like a college thing for her? They're already. I'm not talking about shit. It's just. So why is it $4,000? Because they got extra coaches in there. Directors of night, man, it's daddy boy. What is it? Okay. Okay. With this, you have coaches that aren't, that daughters don't play on the team. They got like a basic little salary for, you know, nothing, and probably got like 50 bucks a week. I'm assuming. Right. You know, when I did the Rogan podcast last time, Brendan's job was talking about the amount of money those organizations make, and there's one organization that makes as much money as the NFL. There's one in the Midwest. He was talking about from like baseball and stuff here. It's a lot of money, man. It's a bad. I saw it on 60 minutes, but it's more towards the Midwest Kentucky. When you land in Kentucky, after 10 minutes, you'll see a softball field. It's not a softball field. It's fields plural stadium like ten of them and one thing. And that's all they do all we can. It's a specialty thing. Yeah. That's all they do all we can. Well, I mean, I'm sure you know, but like it's, people will spend an unlimited amount of money on their kids and on their pets. So I'm sure parents can take an advantage of, and I'm not saying this one isn't worth it. I'm sure it's a great team and a great, whatever. She's coming along way with this team. Right. And that's what all those kids need at that age. Not some practice with a part-time thriller. We don't know about baseball and he comes in, what's going to make him do it to the outfield. Let feel second bait. The guys are tracking out himself. You can have a fucking ball, you know, so that's what you get, right? They don't correct your form, they don't correct how you run, they don't do anything. You know, you want that. You got to pay for it. That's how that goes now. And it's okay. It's okay. I don't get angry at all. It's just, it's become a business. And sports is a business like everything fucking else. Yeah. And as long as you know that going in, it don't bother you that much. What if, what if you like commentated for her thing? Set the fuck up. All right. I'm gonna commentate. I have enough time fucking being me. I got to go on there and commentate. The stream for the first off, oh, yes. And then you can say we can call my cocks out going in there. No, no, no. I don't want to know that stuff. Please. It's about her. It's not about me. Right. When I go down there, it's not to take pictures. It's not to be cool. It's to watch my daughter play. It's not to talk to people. Oh my God. I just got back from Fiji. Nobody gives a fuck. Sit down. Set the fuck down. These parents work for a living and you want to pull up and talk about Fiji and the water. You know, I'm just a regular guy, man. That's all I want to be. I go to those things religiously and I'm out there. There's no bodyguard. There's no eight friends with furz on like LeBron James to take to your son's game. Not why I am. No. I just want to watch you get happy. I don't care about all the, even if she sucked, as long as she loved doing it when you're a kid, that's what it's all about, man. It's not about all the other shit. So is she having fun? Fuck yeah. She asked for it. She seemed like she's taking it seriously. She takes a sound. I asked them. They go, you want to do. They'll stop one August. You want to do two training sessions in August. She's like, I don't know. I barely want to do that one a week, but I know I got to stay in shape. She wants to take August off. Yeah. Come up north a few days, you know, kids or kids, they don't have a we had. We didn't have a vacation. We just all met by the park at fucking 1130 and you were out till 10, right? Down by me, you can't do that. There's a bunch of places that you can't do that no more. You know, that shit don't exist. And speaking of like what you had, I know your mom, I've heard stories about your mom, but like now it probably scared people that you called the coach of cocksucker back when you were playing basketball, what were parents saying to the coach and to the ref? We were talking about the other day when I saw Mike run, he called the ref over. There was a fence that's in County Park and they had just finished a game and he walked off. I was sitting in the little bleachers there. It's the field where the martians landed on the corner there and I saw Mike running walk and he stopped and he called the rep over the ref, even though it was a good game, Mike when he spitting his face right through the fucking fence. I saw one of the funniest things I ever heard was when Kalangelo came up here at first and he played football, but he didn't know North Bergen's system. He was out of it for so long, he didn't know the North Bergen's system. So at first they were putting them in towards the end of the games. And there's one story that the coach, I forget his name, he come up to Dennis, he goes, Dennis, you're going in with like three minutes lab. Dennis, like you put your mother in. I'm not playing no more. I'm done for the day. He took himself out. Oh my god, put your mother in. He told him what your mother in the game. I just sit here all game. You want to come get me now. Go tell your fuck. Tell your mother. I think the guy went and said something to your grandpa. You grandpa, I just laughed like that. That's Dennis. What are you going to do, dog? Right. There was a thousand of those fucking things. They didn't wrap, but told you in the eighth grade, we want to kill our basketball coach, because he hated spicks. I told you this and I had eight sabbages that were willing to chop his head off and throw him on route three and blame it on the ice man. Didn't you have something with like a ref? We're like, you told someone that he was calling fouls on you. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking classic shit, man. We were walking home one day we were like, Oh, and seven. That yeah. And McKinley, I was in the seventh grade were horrible. Chuck, he was the other thing we had and he was short and they would tackle him and shit. And on the way home, now on the on the basketball, as we shake in hands, I see my friend Anthony go, Hey, I forget the guy's name. Hey, cause I'll see you at the family stuff. I pull the motorcycle. What did you say? He goes, that's that's our cousin. I go, that's your cousin and he keeps calling fouls on us with type of cousins. So the next game, he called, he filed out Anthony and Anthony, yelled at him with some fuck you or something like that. So I go, Anthony, let's just go home and tell you father what happened. And I'll never forget we go over there and call mine to actually eat dinner with the fucking thing on. And I'll never forget that. And we sit down and we're like, tell him, Anthony, yeah, cousin Bobby keeps calling me out and foul. He goes, cousin who? And he ripped this thing off. He wiped your hands and he got on the phone. Hey, call mine. Listen, you call him a foul on my son again. I fucking break in neck. Holy shit. And then when he died, I call Frankie Barzan, like Frankie. I was awake and he got a lot of people and I forget what his name. I go to cousin, whatever come. He goes, no, that's weird. He didn't come. I wonder what happened. I go, let me tell you what happened because you weren't living in the house then. The story Frankie was older. He had a girlfriend. So he had moved out. But that's the type coaches were all except like Maddie, Sibelau, your grandpa, nobody even because it was total disrespect them. You went off on his grandpa. You were going to catch a beating from one of his fucking savages. And he had like people that were loyal to him, right? They killed for him. These people weren't normal. They were like half retarded. They had a walk up the hill, back wouldn't shit. But they were killed. They were in four cities. I'm dead serious about that. There's one guy that didn't take a shower all summer before his senior year. And then he decided he wasn't going to take a shower until I ran conflict was over. Oh, I still remember seeing him at the lunch on the lunch room and he would have mud on his fucking ankles from the day before practice. Oh, no, you cannot write this shit. But it was a different world than, you know, so comparatively, you're kind of reserved. Like me, like just calling him a coxucker quietly. I'm sure I think I had that we're reading a couple of times. Besides that, I always pay attention to coaches and I give him respect, you know, you have to give him respect even though they're fucking mooks. Right. You know, they got can't make a fucking layout. But he's talking to you about World Chamber. What he was saying, what are we getting out of your ties in? Right. That's fucked up. So, you know, you just have to have to grow up myself a little bit and not take it so personally. You know, because I drove three and a half hours. That's not 30 minutes. There was a family that he didn't play the daughter first pre-game. They wouldn't go home. They're like, well, what I come here for. I get it, man. So this is shit. This is all part of the softball life. And I'm not a part of it. I'm just suspect that. And I'm happy with it. I don't need to be a porous or that's not what I want to do. And she wouldn't like me if I did. No. But I, I'm just, we've talked about it. But I just, I love when people actually speak their mind because I, I don't. And the idea of you telling the coach, he's talking about pizza, the referee called the coxucker, which is honestly kind of mild for even for you. Like you didn't even, you don't mean it like an actual coxucker. I meant to know how I meant to lead. There's no, when somebody calls you a coxucker, you're a coxucker. There's no two ways of looking at it. And I shouldn't have gone to it that way or whatever, but I just had had enough last week. I just wanted the week to fucking end. And that's what happens sometimes. I have no patience. Do you like to drive it all? Like the, the, the, I don't really enjoy it. I'll do it again. Backwards tonight. You like at least 3 1/2 hours in a car. No, yeah, this fucking guy acts the creepiest question. Did you like the drive driving? You used to like driving, huh? We've talked about it with the music. Yeah. But not 3 1/2 hours. No. No. 2 is good. You don't get it like any snacks for a road trip? I didn't even stop. You're just curious. I can't even pee on the way down. No. And usually when I drive, I don't pull into a service station. I pull to the side of the road and I open up the passenger door and I help out the back door. And I take my dick out. There's no service station. None of that shit. I brought two things of water. I brought a half a joint and a vapor pad in the car. What do we want me to do when you pop in on the way down? Fuck yeah. I got this vapor pendant, girl gave me. Yeah. It's like a thousand milligrams. It's got everything in there. You got a headache too, but you got eyes on mother fucker. Mix it with a little reefer. So that's it. That's my story. And I'm sticking to it. I love it, dude. I'm just excited. I got some dates. I'm doing a long island. January 23rd, the Paramount Theater. Nice tickets. One of our going on sale Wednesday for Milwaukee, Wisconsin at the Riverside Theater. Mixed it up with Chicago. I thought we had a breather. It's the next night. So but then we'll be on a plane Saturday morning. Yeah. It's a quick drive. Yeah. You got a couple of shows coming out. Yeah, we got the Brooklyn then problem on the fifth Atlantic City and I go to Boston and I go to Atlanta. It should have moved me. Then I go back to Austin to hopefully get this fucking apartment. And then I'm going to start my residency in Austin probably. I'm going to have to probably be down there. Like the first week's September getting furniture and stuff. I got to get like a couch, a fucking bed. You know, I don't know what to do this shit. So I got to hire like red band or somebody help me. I would love a red band furnished your apartment. He'd put Pac-Man things up there. Wendy's signs. Well, his apartment is beautiful. I'm sure it is. It's beautiful. It's right upstairs. So it's fucking gorgeous. Are you going to fuck with him and like leave stuff at his door? Yeah. I don't know. I just want to go down there. Listen, man. I really like listening to really grow at comedy. You can't. I can maintain one work out of week. Like right now if I went to the doctor and he goes, Joey, this hurts. Can you just do one workout a week? I could do that. I cannot do zero workouts a week. But we call me. It's different. You can do a set of week or two at an open mic that's shitty. But at the same time, the way to really grow is to go a couple nights in a row after three shows a one night and try to joke two different ways. Maybe you threw it up front and it sucked. Let me put it in the middle. It sucks in the middle to the third shot. Put it at the end. It sucks. It's gone. For me to really grow. I need a couple nights in a row. Yeah. You know, I really need it. And like I said, I'm going to fucking start talking a few people. I really like the idea going down like the pussycat down there in the village on West Fort Street. I just kind of find the time. But I'm going to do a residency in Austin. When I come back, I don't really want to do shit. So I'm back to square run. But if I go down there and do four sets, then I come back and do one at the dojo. So I'm living like before. But those four at least will give me 10 minutes. You follow me? Yeah. And it's in one spot. It'll be easy. Maybe alternate months. Who knows? Now we do one a month straight to December down. Nice. And see what they have to offer in December. Christmas party a night before a new year's. Who knows? You know, okay. And it's on the other side of that dog. My daughter told me she was leaving for North Carolina on Tuesday. I cried for like a minute. And I'm like, I'm not going to handle being the fucking Austin. So this is easier said than done. Right. I might just go down and do what I usually do. Three days. God. Three days. God. Yeah. Because that's how I feel better. If I just go, I don't want to now I live there and I got to be out every night. I just want to go and do my spot. See my friends. Go to waste the wellness and come on. Get some good to eat or steak some Mexican food. You know, yeah, I'm going down and do all the things I can't do here. I'm not going to go down there and do the same shit I'm doing here. No, it's waste. So for me to work and make it work. If I'm me to work, make it work for my family, I have to cover that rent every month. Not with regular comedy money or whatever I'm making Austin. So yeah, if I do one show it covers my rent and the plane figure. I'm good. I'm good after that. Fuck yeah. So that's the plan right now. I'm going to go look at them this week. One of them And then when the business manager goes down To Austin towards the end of the month will make our decision Let her fucking start doing what she needs to do That's my story and I'm sticking to it. What do you got coming up? I got a bunch in the city the big one this week is St. Mark's comedy club Thursday July 30th 8.30 p.m. It's called any request comedy. It's like the bucket of chaos or the bottom of the barrel It's going to be your suggestions. It's going to be a lot of fun a lot of great comics having a lot of fun I'm also in green point and a lot of places this week very excited All right motherfuckers there you have it Another fun filled episode which what do we learn today? I have no idea what we talked about That we got me higher than fuck earlier. Oh, yeah, and god we smoked it on twitch. Nobody knows nothing Yeah, make sure you because are you gonna you have to bring a PlayStation down to Austin Not this time. No, no, no, I'm saying when you when you have the place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's red bands That's red bands gonna set all that should have made that's gonna be fun with volcanoes and noises I'd love to see what your neighbors think of them like every few weeks three days out of the month It's gonna be a lot of weed smoke and yelling and well, there's a balcony see the smoke on the balcony. Okay, nice That's always good. That that makes me feel a lot better Case mercy comes down to something. I was asked I was wondering if you're gonna bring her down that'd be fun That'd be the time I'd be a spot. I'd take it every year to watch a slowpoke game That's what I said if you build it they'll come When I came to Jersey. I know what was going on. I was hit three months trafficking for me So I'm trying to open up another opportunity down there. Let's see if it treats me the same. That's it I'm 63. I'm not going to be Eddie Murphy. This has nothing to do with any of that shit It just has to do it Being practical. I don't have much. So I got to work with what I'm given I have the opportunity to go down there and work my friends club It's a 250 cedar You know, so I'm broke like I said in the beginning of the podcast you call me for a movie you give me comedy work I'm more grateful than anybody. My daughter gets to eat another week. We get to come here and dick around That's it. That's how I look at How you can do what you could do what Are you bad mother fuckers? We'll see you next Tuesday same back time same bad place. I love you Say goodnight, Lee. Good night. I love you [MUSIC]