Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, small changes, big impact. I want to look at five things you could look at changing which would have a huge impact on your life, your well-being, your confidence, your parenting, your energy, so that you can show up more likely to show up as your best self. And I'm also going to give you three things that your children could look at changing too. So, it's very simple. I'd love your feedback, because you might say, actually, you know, Mary-Anne, you're saying it's simple, much harder than you're saying to actually implement. But the idea behind it genuinely is, what are the small tweaks that we can make that if we do them consistently, because it's all about consistency, isn't it? But if we make these very small changes, how does that create that kind of snowball effect? You know, when you're little, because I don't know about you, but I haven't seen much snow this year, and you kind of compact a little bit of snow together, and then you put it on the ground, and then you just keep rolling it, and it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. So, I'm going to talk about five for you as the parent, and then three for your children. So, we'll give you a checklist so that you can kind of look at working through these. You've got some notes, and you can add to them. So, let's dive into your five as a parent. Number one. Now, given how important that sleep is, I believe that a lot of us as parents are massively sleep deprived. Some of us are sleep deprived, but not so massively. But it's such a crucial part to our own well-being, our energy levels, our body's ability to recover. And also, when we've had that really good night's sleep, we're just able to look at things in a different way. So, the first one is about pushing your bedtime to 10 minutes earlier each week. So, we're not talking about big changes. I'm not saying you're going to bed at midnight because you're trying to get all of your jobs done. Now, I want you to go to bed at 10. What we're simply saying is take your average bedtime that is currently happening and simply make a promise and a commitment to yourself to reel it in by 10 minutes just each week. That's all it is. So, you keep doing that. Now, it might take you the whole year. It depends how late your bedtime has become. But the idea is that you tweak it by 10 minutes, until you reach what is your required sleep total. So, it's not about, I'm not saying that everyone needs to get nine hours or eight hours or whatever it might be, but you'll know regularly what you probably ought to be getting sleep so that you can show up each day as that kind of better version of yourself. And so, what you're doing is making that promise that you're going to take that 10 minutes. Now, sleep is very individual, but it is also, I believe, 100% is the secret sauce to present, calm, higher self-parenting. And just it's something kind that we can do to ourselves each day by giving ourselves, gifting ourselves, making a commitment to ourselves to get the sort of the sleep that we need. Now, I'm saying about reeling it in at 10 minutes, but we know that it's not just simply saying, right, okay, I'm currently going to bed at midnight. So, I'm now going to go to bed at 11.50 all of this week, because there's more complicated than that. There's a reason why you're going to bed at midnight. So, the simple tweak is changing it to 10 minutes earlier, but you'll need to do a little bit of an internal audit, a bit of reflection on what is it that's making me sleep at midnight? What are the things that I might need to do in order to begin to reel that back? So, it might be that you're, I don't know, you've got multiple jobs to do and they're being left because maybe after the then, you're then, before you're going to bed, very intentionally going, trying to go to bed at 11, you're then finding things that you need to do. So, part of the pushing your bedtime 10 minutes earlier is really looking at what are the signals for me now in terms of getting to bed? What are the practices, the habits, the rituals that lead to my own bedtime routine that will help me ensure that I'm in bed that 10 minutes earlier? So, it's not just simply saying, okay, I'm going to go to bed 10 minutes earlier. You're currently not going to bed at the time that you ought to. So, you need to look at what does my bedtime routine look like and how can I make sure that I put almost like signs and signals in the way that you go about making sure that your child is in bed by a certain time. You've got certain markers, almost like certain milestones as part of their routine. You'll need to do the same for yourself. So, use tools like your mobile phone so that you can, you know, you don't have to be in bed all the time. So, you don't have to set mini alarms to remind you right now I need to prepare to go to bed, but don't do it exactly at the time that you need to go to bed, but sort of build in that early warning system so that you can be in that process of winding down. And that's going to be very individual to each of us. Whatever we might need to do to signal this is now time for my wind down. And for some people that wind down might take an hour because they have to go through particular things that they need to make sure are sorted before they go to bed. For others, it can be a straightforward drop everything and you only need a 10-minute warning. So, that's number one is about pushing your bedtime to 10 minutes earlier a week. Number two, focus on one change at a time, whether that's something that you're working on specifically for you, whether that's something for your children, whether, you know, it's about maybe there's a pattern of behavior that you're trying to work with, that your child is doing, that you're trying to help change or correct. Then really just focus in on that thing. If it's something that you know is particularly about you, then focus on that. Do not get caught up in the shiny objects syndrome, which I am very guilty of, I'll just say. And instead, really focus on one thing because when you know that one thing that you're working on, A, it's really easy because it's just one. You're you're not trying to juggle loads. So, it's about really focusing in on the one thing. Remember to break it down to very, very small bite-sized chunks. So, we're very much like these five small changes for big impact that I'm talking about. We're much more likely to get the results we want when we consistently, when we consistently chip away at the big goal. Work on this idea of marginal gains. You know, what have I learned today and what might I try tomorrow to nudge me that little bit closer to where I want to be? So, it's really kind of getting clear on that and then just focusing in on that. I know that there's a temptation when, I don't know, maybe you've got a child that isn't sleeping at the moment. Maybe you've got a teen who's highly unmotivated. Maybe you've got some back chat going on. Maybe you've got some, you know, dysregulated emotions and they're going from zero to explosion. You know, we can so quickly get caught up in wanting to make that big change because it's having such a huge impact. But actually, we're much more likely to see the lasting impact and it's, you know, big change goes back to this big change comes from those small tweaks that we do. And so, it's not trying not to get sucked into this. I've got, you know, we've got to change it immediately because it's also incredibly disheartening because if you don't get those big successes, you're not going to be able to do it. So, I think it's really important you feel like you're doing something wrong and then you're flitting between one strategy and the next. So, the first one for your small change is big impact is around sleep. Bring it forward, go to sleep 10 minutes earlier a week. The second one is only reminding yourself to focus on one thing and no more. So, for you, it may simply be all I'm going to do is focus on my sleep. That might be what you do for a couple of weeks. When you've got that consistent pattern, you may then implement and add another one. It's not about just doing one thing and never doing anything else. It's simply about focusing your energies in that narrow-minded one thing. And then when you're getting some leverage on that, then you can add something else in. So, that's number two. Number three, practice taking a moment before agreeing to anything, aka you're practicing saying no. So, quite often as parents, as individuals, we can be overwhelmed because we say yes too quickly or we make a decision too quickly, which we then later get frustrated about because we kind of get resentful. Oh God, why did I agree to do that? Oh, that's such a difficult thing. Why did I say to the children we could do this? So, cultivate and practice. And that has to be something that works particularly for you, whether that's a counting in your head to five before you do that, or what I did when I was going through a similar phase of this with my own children it would I would paraphrase back what my children had asked me and I would say can I just have a few minutes to think about it and then I would give them a definitive so I'll tell you at bath time or I'll tell you and when we're having dinner or I'll tell you as when we're in the car going off to school it just gives you that moment you're just trying to press pause because otherwise what happens is we're life is fast-paced there's lots of things going on we're being bombarded with lots of decisions even if you might not realize it but you're constantly making multiple decisions a day and we know that we end up getting decision fatigue because we're having to make these decisions so we often end up making a decision that had we been given five minutes to reflect on we may still have made the same decision but quite often we would have made something else or we would have put parameters around it so number three is really about giving yourself that five minutes that count to five whatever it might be that you do that will save you minutes hours days of frustration and regret later so that you can be more intentional in the decisions that you end up making and that's just hugely and profoundly helpful if you're listening to number three and you're thinking I am 100% guilty mary hann of saying yes I I was forever saying yes to things pta yes of course come out for a coffee yes of course you know constantly saying yes and then you end up looking at your diary or you know a big work task or a big task that needs to be completed at home doesn't and you're angry and frustrated with yourself and then you get into that hole why have I done this again I promised myself I wasn't going to do this and you kind of end up in that what you could do if that is something that you're doing particularly is all is almost write a script if it's something that you have got done so habitually you often don't realize that you've already said yes you know the words come out of your mouth before you've even really given it any sort of mental check so it can be really helpful to write a little mini script almost like a sentence and just keep practicing it so just over and over again so it becomes something that you're able to deliver in that moment because we often feel that we have to make that decision in that moment because we're time poor we've like they're waiting and they're it's like that pressure you know rabbit caught at the headlight we've got to make give them an immediate decision but actually it's like silence isn't it we often we are often if you don't like silence you end up feeling paralyzed and you're like oh my god I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I can't by it and it seems like a huge amount of time that you've got this awkward silence whereas actually it feels quite normal and quite natural so number three for some of you listening will be a really big one and for you could be your one thing that if you could get some traction on that it would make a massive impact and in fact for some of you if you're doing this one thing could help with your bedtime in terms of it may well be that you're going to bed that much later because you're saying yes to too many things so we're looking at our bedtime nudging that by 10 minutes we're focusing in on one change at a time no more no shiny object syndrome number three we're practicing taking a moment number four is going to require a little bit kind of more intentional work and number four is about curating your tribe weekly so we talk a social media so looking at you know who you follow to make sure that the images all the content that you're presented with sort of I don't know feeds your soul makes you happy gives you joy rather than always diminishing how you feel about yourself curating your tribe weekly is I don't think something that we do at all and it's about realizing you know we're bombarded with messages about what it means to be us whether that's male whether that's male female mom dad career sibling friend I mean you name it all the multiple roles that we have and we're bombarded with messages about that and whether that comes from socials whether that comes from the media whether that comes from the people that we surround ourselves with you know what's that you're equivalent to the five people that you spend most time with so I think that that then is a really helpful intentional thing that we do each week is about being intentional on who we spend our time with and who we assess our value against now this is not about ditching friends this is not about ditching your family but it is about reminding yourself who are the people that I spend time with that remind me and are I don't know if forgiving is the right word but they are people who remind me how challenging it is doing what I do whatever that is that you do all the things that you juggle on top of being a parent and by curating your weekly tribe while curating your tribe weekly what you do is you remind yourself how am I feeling about myself and how I value myself and what you know my performance as a parent as a sibling as a friend as a you know career and has that been particularly impacted by who I've spent time with this week so it may well be it's a really great reflective nudge of I haven't really spent time with that particular person actually or you may reflect and think my goodness me I've not spent time with anyone this week in that kind of um self-care support nurture tribe and so you then become a little bit more you just become a little bit more intentional or you may find that you've slipped into a bit of a habit of hanging around with or spending time with people where there's a you're constantly comparing yourself and you're not spending time with them and you're not spending time with them and you're diminishing your own value your own worth your own capabilities against them so this is you know number four is not about ditching people it's simply about being intentional with where you spend your time and who you spend your time with whether that's in person whether that's on the phone as in phone call or whether that is what you curate in terms of any social feeds or what you access through the media or what you might read. It's a really powerful tool for us to kind of remind ourselves you know that how we feel about ourselves and what we're doing and our capabilities and all the roles that we've all the various roles that we have as mothers as fathers is rooted in the input that we get so it makes sense then to be a little bit more intentional about that and review it each week so that's number four Number five is enjoy the journey because each day you wake up you wake up changed yeah so it's about we never show up the same person we never can because the experiences that we you've had in the last 24 hours have changed you you can't revert back to who you were because you've got all of these extra experiences all these people that you've connected with and all of the decisions that you've made mean that you've changed so it's about enjoying the journey because each day you wake up you wake up changed yeah so it's about remembering that and it's also about celebrating all those small wins rather than always focusing on the end goal and deferring celebration until we get there so it's about reminding ourselves that you know we wait we are changed each day and that we're making those small steps and reminding ourselves to celebrate as we go rather than waiting well I'll be I'll only celebrate when I get to the end and we forget the change that we've made and you know a great to remember this by and I think I've mentioned it in previous podcast episodes before but let's say you decide you want to run a marathon and your goal is to run a marathon sub four hours that is my goal I have yet to achieve it but wait for my episode 25 for 2025 and I'll fill you in on on what I'm planning for 2025 what tends to happen is we focus in on that end goal so we obviously have to do training in order to be able to run a marathon so sub four hours and so what we tend to do is we get focused on that end goal we run the marathon and then let's say we run it in four hours 50 minutes so to us it's not a ticket it's a cross I failed what we forget is the person that we have become along that journey along that process in terms of showing up for training going out for runs whatever the weather might be and you know all of that grit that determined that goal setting resilience that bouncing back that thought planning you you know you can goodness me you can probably think of like 50 things you've learned but what happens is when we defer the celebration to the end we go through all of that process and we forget all of the changes all of the empowering incredible wonderful things that have happened along that way and changed us not only in relation to that marathon but in relation to a whole host of other things that we then use this changed version of ourselves to be able to combat to be able to bring into those other situations those new capabilities those new abilities those new mindsets and beliefs and you know motivation because we just beat ourselves up about the fact that we've run it in four hours 50 odd minutes rather than the sub four hours that we wanted so that's why that you know enjoying the journey and I know it's cliched and I know it's much harder to think of you know it's much harder to do in practice but if you download this these five the checklist and put it somewhere that you're going to look at regularly as a reminder highlight the kind of the bit so that maybe even different colors so that they stand out they're easy to remind you because we do forget to do that so I'm hoping that those small changes big impact for you now let me talk you through the three that I've got for your children and that will be on a separate sheet which you can download so if you're for your children I'm really trying to I wanted to kind of give you something that didn't make you feel overwhelmed you know like these are the five you're giving me Mary Hannah now you're telling me I could do these with my children so these are hopefully ones that you can get your children bought into the first one as was the case for you found the foundation to everything is good sleep so the first one is get your children into bed five minutes earlier each week so we're talking five minutes that's all it is and again you're doing that each week until you reach optimal total sleep time so if you've got a child or teen who struggles to sleep at night use that five minutes earlier each week to create maybe a more positive connection with their bedroom and bedtime so rather than you know particularly if you've got a child who's struggling to fall asleep at night you know their connection to their bedroom is that's like the place that I sit and toss and turn for hours or on end because I can't get to sleep so instead maybe use that five minutes to rebuild that connection so whether that's time to read to journal to flick through comics to do a bit of colouring in maybe they do a bit of knitting maybe they do build something quietly um in their room but it's that it's changing the the relationship with that bedroom away from it being somewhere that causes me stress and angst because I can't sleep to being somewhere that I naturally can't sleep actually wind down so it's like what are the things that they could do that will that will help them or are particularly good for them in terms of winding down so we're reeling their bedroom at their bedtime by five minutes but so we're doing it in in smaller stages don't be tempted to reel it in by big changes five minutes really is you know within a month you've reeled in by 20 minutes and five minutes they're not going to argue about it's not going to make a you're not going to get the same level of friction and battling against that you would do if you say right we're going to bed half an hour earlier five minutes is easier so that's number one number two is choose a daily mantra I'm a massive fan of mantras they're simply sayings that we repeat over and over again that help us or provide us as a nudge or a reminder for situations that we may find particularly difficult so for example you might have a mantra for your you know you know practicing and you know taking a moment before saying yes your mantra might simply be I need to take five before I answer I need to take five before I answer so the mantra the choosing a daily mantra for your children is about a similar thing so if you've got someone who really struggles with friendships they may have a mantra around you know not everyone's going to like me and that's okay I've got good friends if it's a if it's if you've got a child who's struggling around their confidence you know it may well be I'm you know I like myself and um and I'm happy with who I am or I'm going to try give give things my best you know I can all the best I could do is try you know whatever it might be it's about having a specific mantra that they go into their day and of course that's going to change because there'll be differences each day in terms of what they're facing so a mantra is a really good mantra for you so if you've got a child who's struggling around their and I would recommend with the choosing the mantras that you do it the night before so you're reflecting on what's happening the next day anything that they might find particularly challenging or anything that might be particularly helpful in terms of sort of up the uplifting so you choose it the night before write it down and then your child can kind of have that with them throughout the day and then just repeat it internally in their own mind so the first one's about nudging their bedtime by five minutes the second one is about nudging their bedtime by choosing a daily mantra and the third thing is again so this would be at the end of the day is is encouraging them to reflect and to write the writing bit is the crucial bit so a daily practice of gratitude we know has a really significant positive effect on mental well-being and just the outlook with which they view the world gratitude in itself can be quite a tricky one to do so instead I'm going to encourage you to encourage them to write just one thing we're going to keep it super simple we're talking small steps big impact they can build up to two they can build up to three later that's absolutely fine but one thing which made them either happy smile or laugh from the day so it's like gratitude but it just simply encourages them to reflect and consider their day through a very different lens through that sort of lens of joy so they're almost screening and replaying aspects of their day and just finding that one thing because and the writing down is the crucial piece so those are the three for your children now the my give this week is going to be your five on one sheet and then your children's three on a separate so that they can own it if they want to or you could have it somewhere else specifically for them you might choose to do it as a family all of your children do it together but obviously yours will be separate so to grab your free copy as usual you head over to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes as ever if you've enjoyed this episode I would love it if you could rate follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time you you
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