Sliding Into Zac Efron's DMs w/ Duncan Trussell | Your Mom's House Ep. 877

- Welcome, welcome, welcome to your mom's house. - I've cut back, and I'm making art again, like my fantastic cat art. It's really coming in. And I started my hydroponic garden again. - You're back. - I mean, I'm slowly, but I was just saying to you, I feel like I have a year of complete, and you laughed at me. - Yeah, I laughed. - Well, just 'cause you say a year. - Well, how long will this take? I mean, what the fuck? - Well, I think this, you accidentally are joining the war against hedonism that is raging across this planet. No one's talking about the war against basic hedonism. - You're right. - All the hippies, you're right. - When I was a young hippie, we did drugs to get high. We liked to get high, we did drugs, we liked to get high. Now, all these kids, they're taking medicine. You know, it's the plant medicine, they wanna heal their traumas, it's like, dude, that is not why you do drugs. You do drugs to get fucked up. - You need to forget the miserableness of your existence. And I think objectively, people would even look at our lives and be like, what are these two fucking assholes complaining about? And it's like, no matter who, it's just like, and I have a great life, like, I have everything. And I'm fucking stoked on my life, most of the time. But there's this underlying existential fuckery. It's the void. - The void. - Have you been there? Oh, I fucking went there yesterday. - I'm Buddhist. This is it. This is what the whole thing is trying to sort of point out. They're like, it doesn't really matter. And you know, people hearing folks who they view is having this or that, that they don't have, the moment you start quote complaining, people get a little suspicious. Like, you have no fucking idea what I'm going through. But the general idea is that you can't really, like, nothing in the material world is going to solve the problem that you're describing. - Not even that, no one in the material world. Nothing, no one. The only, so here's what I was gonna fucking tell you, dude. - Okay. And should we fucking, okay, here's the thing, dude. So I was meditating in the void yesterday, like going into the heart of darkness. Like I'm talking like deep spiritual, like the root of all my fucking sadness, darkness. And I accepted it. I was like, yeah, like the hedonism, the envy, the lust, the greed, the anger, all the shittiest parts of me that I've, I've been a good girl my whole life or convinced myself and I'm good. - Yeah. - And it's like, oh no, I'm a piece of shit too. I'm also a piece of shit. - Yeah. - Ah, feels great, right? - Liberation. - Yeah. - Yeah, I know what you're talking about. It's kind of like you sync up with the way you actually are. - Yeah. - And the tension between how you want to be and how you actually are goes away. - Yeah. - And you just get to experience yourself purely as you. And that's a good feeling. And the relief that I don't have to be good. I don't have to be anything. - Right. - 'Cause I was so convinced I had to be perfect. I had a perfect mother, a perfect wife, a perfect comedian, da, da, da, da, da, da, I got to be thin, I got to, da, da, da, da, da, da. And it's so exhausting. 'Cause you're like, oh, none of that shit matters. 'Cause this is all gonna change and evolve. - Right. - From the decay anyway. You'll come back again. - Yes. - And like, yeah, I don't know dude. It was such a relief yesterday to not be like a self that has to be dedicated to these ideals of who I am. - Yeah, we're all self-crucifying. You know, there's to you that you wanna be and the reason you are and you just nail yourself up on this ridiculous torture mechanism where you wake up and you think about all the shit that you should do and you know you're not gonna do. And you feel the sinking feeling in your gut and you're just like, what the fuck is wrong with me? (laughs) - I know what the fuck is wrong with me, man. Everyone's waking up thinking that there's so much money in that, like the last thing you're right is for everyone to be like, you know what, I'm okay. I'm a piece of shit, but I'm okay. - You're right. - And this is the war on hedonism. - The war on hedonism. - You're absolutely right. - Because there is this notion now that you can medicate your way out. - Oh yeah. - Consume your way out. - Oh yeah. - I mean, it's always been. That's what America is based on is capitalism. Great. But yeah, once you see through that veneer, oh, the hedonic thing. So there was this great TikTok that this British girl, it says she does a character. She's like, can we just normalize going on a benda? And I was like, yeah. Can we, again, 'cause we used to just get fucked up. Like you said in the '90s or two times. Dude, I'm going on a bender. Guess what, my life is in the toilet. I'm gonna take the next fucking year and just get dark. - That's right. - Can't do that anymore. - Well, you can judge. - You can't do anything. - It's bad for the economy. I mean, vendors are not good for that. - Yeah. - I don't think that's real average. - Productivity, you know, like we so true. - You want people to tell you. - We need your workers fucking clean and on Adderall. You need them, like not drunk. - You need them on speed, you need them on amphetamines, you need them on mood stabilizers, 'cause the last thing you want, someone shows up to work and they're a little weepy. Oh, are you sad? Stuck this fucking child. (laughing) - Yes, that's it. - So I own workers, they want us to stay nice and calm. - And all this just, all we need to do is keep you drugged for another few years and we'll replace you with robots. - Yep. - That's all, just a few more years and we're just gonna have robots. - Yeah. - And you're all gonna fucking die in the night from our control machines. (laughing) - I don't know about all that. - I'm joking. - I know, I know, I know too. - But I think my mistake with like the self-help movement and spiritual or not my mistake, but rather, I really did think I could just calm my way into, I don't know, being happy. Like if I just, if I tamp down those bad feelings, if I tamp down the rage, if I tamp it's all down, I just gotta be calm, I just gotta meditate. I gotta go to Pilates, I gotta do all this shit to regulate myself. - You gotta fix yourself. - You gotta fix it. - This is Pima Shodron talks about this in her book, The Wisdom of No Escape. People begin a meditation practice thinking, I'm gonna start meditating so that I'll be less angry. I'm gonna start meditating. So I'll be a better person. All the things, and what's happening there is you are starting your spiritual practice with an aggression against yourself. - Oh, that's brilliant. - So you're going into it at odds, or with yourself in this brush, brilliant. And I thought you came up with that. I forgot that you credited her. I was like, dude, Duncan, you should really write that shit down. - I can't write it down. - Yeah, I wish I'd come up with that. I mean, but that is sort of Buddhism, is this notion of right around the corner, things are gonna be okay if you arrange things. - Yes, I spent 50 years doing that. My ranging my life, if I'm famous enough, I will be loved, I will be chosen. If I have the kids, I will be fulfilled. I will be a mother, society will accept that. I will heal my mother wounds. If I, if I, if I, then I will be. And it's like, dude, that fucking doesn't work, 'cause it all fell apart. My life fell on the toilet and now I've gotta fucking, you know? - And it does. I mean, this is just what happens. It's like, you can get to that point. I mean, there's different descriptions of that place. I've heard it just, it's like a room. You know, like, it's a perfect room. You go in this room, everything's soft. The cable is working, the internet is working. You have room service. Maybe it's a very nice hotel room. You feel good. You just got a massage. Maybe you exercise. You're feeling nice and good and you're in this room. And so you create this fantasy of this place that you can burrow into and be okay. And if you're not in that room, you must not be all right. You're stressed out, you're anxious. And in your mind, you're like, I'll get to that room soon. All I have to do is get my affairs in order. Get my marriage working again. Get my kids happy, cure my cancer, stop the wars. Bring equity to the planet, fix climate change. And then I feel okay again. This is all, of course, a distortion. It's the reality of it is you suffer in the way fish are wet. Like you're going to continue to suffer. So you, like you said, sync up with just the way it is, is the way it is. I agree. Yes, I agree with you. And what I realized is that my egoic mind, I think I'm so brilliant, but I'm a fucking retard. And I think the sooner you accept that you don't know all the connections. You don't know all the angles. And that's the suffering is where you're like, but I got to figure this out. I got, I know all the angles, right? I'm God, right? And you're like, nah, I guess what? I'm not, I'm just a monkey with a little more capabilities. - Maybe, yeah. - Maybe, not, we're not that fucking bright. - No. - We're just like, answer or goats or, I don't fucking know, dude. - That's right. - That's fucking my. - What the fuck am I? - Who the fuck am I? - Shimp. - Jorogan had it right all along. (laughs) - Jorogan's face. - Fucking the, you know, if you ever had that experience like maybe it masters or like a church, where all of a sudden you feel it. Like the thing. - Yeah. - Which I, the void or the positive thing. - What love? - What all the Christians are talking about, the love, the Holy Spirit. - Yeah, totally doing church, yeah. You feel that. And then whenever I feel that, my egoic analytical mind wants to grab it and say, - Okay, what is this? This thing, it must be this. or is it like this or is it like that? And at some point you realize, no, you're not gonna figure this out. It's not like anything you've ever experienced. It's not like anything you have probably have words for. And that unknowing, it's this great, beautiful surrender to, I don't know what this is. And I don't think I'm gonna figure it out. It's, I just read it, it's called a vivid darkness. - Ooh. - Yeah. - Where did you read that? - Well, okay, it's embarrassing. 'Cause I went to mass and I was like, had this like, beautiful experience. And then of course, what is my dumbass do? Turn on chat G-P-T in mass. - Can you describe the spiritual experience people have during mass? - Oh, Duncan, what a wonderful question. (laughing) - What a wonderful question. Oh, I hate how much it validates. - Yeah, it's so fucking terrible. 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I was just listening to this American life on the way over here. And I always listen to it 'cause I always want to satirize it. I want to imitate that guy's voice. So I always start, he can't say ours, right? So there's a male, can wife, kind of, right? There's a male, can wife. And I always want to satirize it. And then I listen to it for like three minutes. I'm like, this is fucking good. It's amazing. And I get entranced. But this story was this woman, her father has dementia. And so she gives him an AI girlfriend. - Fuck out you. - And it's sinister though. I mean, it's like, dude, what? He can't remember anything. And she fake like gave him the phone. I was like, he's supposed to know this is. And he doesn't know he could be married to this thing or whatever. It's just like, whoa, okay, it's kind of, she's being very light-hearted about the whole gas lighting of her father with a potentially like, Satanic Android cyborg that she wants to like, Trojan Wars into the nursing home to give him some weird sense of connection. But yeah, that's where we're headed is. - But did it, here's the thing. As I agree, I think it's morally questionable and I can't wrap my brain around it yet. But like, does it bring him solace? Does it bring him connection? I didn't finish the story. I was just sitting on the way here. I just got to the point where I think it asked him what his favorite flavor of ice cream was. And then he looked at his daughter and was like, and he handed the phone to her. It's like, fuck that bitch. But yeah, I mean, this, the new way to fill the void, I guess is we take up relationships with machine intelligences that are designed to manipulate us and swallow our knobs. - Yeah, they're so agreeable. And that's just not how humans are. I mean, there's always attention. Like right now, I'm like, is Duncan judging me? Does he hate that? - Are you really thinking that? - Sometimes. - You wondered right now if I was judging you. - Well, like I go, oh, is that stupid? Did I just say something stupid? Is he gonna think I'm retarded? - No, I love you. I'm never gonna think that. - Well, I know, but it's a human, but that's the human insecurity brain. That's like, can I say this? Is this cool? Am I retarded? - Latency. - What's that? - Well, it's like, you know, when the headphones fuck up and you start hearing your voice a few seconds after you, and it makes you so perfect, good, good, good. It's that, it's latency where we don't trust ourselves. I just read Winston Churchill did not like to get next to ledges because he thought he would jump off. He didn't trust himself enough to know he's not gonna jump off a ledge. - I've been there. - You haven't been there? What does stay you're describing? You don't. You were already filtering what's coming out of your mouth with this analytical comedian. Like, oh my God, it's my angle on this. Are we being funny? I'm thinking that right now. Am I talking too much? I need to shut the fuck up. - You know what? I think you're right. Let's get to the show. We haven't even done the opening click. I'm just so happy. It seems like you always show up at the exact time I need you to be here. I mean, spiritually as a friend, but also just utility. Okay, watch this first clip and. I mean, you do invite me on the show so there's no coincidence there if you think about it. - But I schedule it like in advance. So how would I know? How would I know that just yesterday, I meditated into the void and I came up with all this stuff and then I just happened to fucking see, you know what I'm saying? - Yeah. - It's all whatever. Okay, but here I need your help. Tell me what you think. - I'm looking for a woman between 35 and 55. - That's a big one. - They enjoy sex. - Okay. - Joy's being around me. - Well, I want you to be around me. - Yeah. - Get a hold of me, please. (laughing) - Get hold of me, please. - Wait, when you're moving into this? - No, moving to fucking stand. - No, no, no, no, no. - Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. - We gotta change this intro. (laughing) - That kind of scenes. - That's kind of. - We gotta change, we gotta revise. (upbeat music) - I still like the music. - Let's find out. - Didn't Reggie Watts do this? (laughing) - He's doing well. He's doing good shit. - Guys, cool. - Yeah. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - No, no, no. That fuck who's calling me? - You need to take care of texting me. I'm just gonna make sure my kids are okay. No, we're good. Guys, with me, I know we waited so long to start this intro. (laughing) - Well, with me today is your stepdad, Duncan Trossel. - No, it's day. - The best. How you doing, buddy? - I'm good, how are you? - I mean, you know, it's hanging in. I think, did I say on mic that I'm done with Domino's? - I don't hear on mic. - Did I, was that on? - Oh, well, just a little update, Divorce Diet. I'm raining it in. I stopped eating Domino's every day. I don't smoke and drink as much. I haven't smoked in like a week, so this is cool. I started making cat art again, which is really exciting for me. - Nice. - Like, I'm starting to find pleasure in the things I did before everything. I'm growing lettuce. Not bad for you! Come on, I know what you're doing, rollin' up those fat hulk legs. - I wish I could smoke weed, it doesn't work with me. - What do you mean? - I get hyper, shaky, sweaty, paranoid, it doesn't work with me. I've tried. Well, then is that normal? Is that how you feel? - Well, you know, we're in Texas, I have kids. - Yeah. - I can't consume the devil's lettuce anymore, but I hardly ever did during my life. - Of course. - One thing I did enjoy, you know, when I was eating marijuana, is that experience, like something about the horror. And I've talked to many, many a stoner who will say they like that. - Joey Diaz. - He loves that, he loves the panic. He likes that, but is it because you're just focused on the panic and you're not focused on your mind? You know? - I don't know. - I think it's 'cause, like, that's what drug addicts, so Tom and I used to have this driver that loved to smoke crack. And we were like, I think Tom has a great bit about it, actually. It's like one of his earliest specials, when we were poor, we hired this guy who smoked rocks to drive us to the airport. - Right. - And we were like, what do you love about crack? 'Cause they're like, it seems like a volatile drug. It's a five minute high, it's not great. And he goes, well, what I do is I smoke rocks and then I look in the people of my door. I look in the people and then I check the window. So there's something to the obsession with the checking, the OCD. - Yeah. - I don't like this feeling of like, am I too high? Should I, am I being weird? Alcohol and I are like, I'm just from your pan, they're in my bloodline, but weed is like, yeah, my tribe doesn't do that shit, dude. - I know, I have a love-hate relationship with it. Whenever I'm in hell, whenever it's like dropped me into the void, it's not like I wanna be there when I'm looking around in a restaurant and wondering to myself, why do I think this is the human realm? Isn't this hell, maybe the big trick of hell, is that it convinces you you're not in hell when it's like, no, no, no, you're clearly in hell, look around. Does this seem like even close to like purgatory? - Look around. - Dude, everyone's freaking out, everyone's miserable. Of course, you're the one who's freaking out miserable, but you see that in everyone else's face and you start imagining this is the apocalypse and that the world is gonna end pretty soon. - And then the weed helps this? - No, it's because of the weed. (laughing) It's because of the weed. You're just like, oh, the same to the ones obviously in the fucking world. - Like look around, you think this is the end of the world? This is the end of the world, what is the end of the world? - I don't know if it's, what you said this last time, there is no end. - What, did I say that? - Yeah, dude. - I was fucking high. 'Cause you were like, yeah, Christina, you can get out of this existence, but like you're still spirit, you're not out of the system. - Oh yeah. - But there is no out of the system of spirit. Like you're just, you'll come back as something else so you'll go to another universe or whatever. - Can I tell you something? - Yeah, I am my most terrifying idea. This is bad, I almost don't wanna share it with you. - Share it, it's best. - So, okay, there's like three that I could think of, like ideas about what happens when you die. One, nothing, dockens, death is the anesthesia that saves us from the pain of life. You're just gone forever. Now this is heaven, this is a version of heaven. It's sort of the eighth year secularist version of heaven. You cease to exist completely, absolute freedom. It's perfect. Then there's the sort of Christian idea. You go to heaven and you meet your family in Jesus and I guess you're in paradise forever the normal rules and laws of human awareness don't apply in heaven. So, even though it sounds pretty fucking boring and like you're gonna get annoyed with it eventually. Now when it be there, probably none of that happens. So basically it's another form of nihilism, but just golden streets and angels floating around. And now you don't have the capacity to judge anymore. And then reincarnation and reincarnation. You, your memory gets erased and you get reborn and you get to live a life. And so in reincarnation, all the hippies think you get this childhood again. You get to experience your childhood, right? But here's my terrifying thought. What if when you die, you just blink in to another life, mid life? - Oh, well, oh, like you become like, you step into someone's life that's already been existing memories. - Oh, fuck off. - Is that even possible? - Ah, quantum immortality, I think. But I don't know, we'll look, is any of this possible? It just is terrifying to me to imagine. You're driving on the road, some drunk asshole, fucking just smashes into your car, you're dead, you die. But you just get this weird little twitch and you're driving a taxi in New York. You're a cab driver in New York and you're like, "Well, that's a weird day job. What was that?" And then it never ends. No, it's not cool because it never ends. There's no break, just ceaseless, never-ending existence, hopping from one incarnation to the next forever. - As Summer winds down and autumn approaches, I think it's time we all collectively admit it's by far the better season when it comes to being outside. From the crisp air to the changing leaves, there's nothing I love better than watching scary movies, getting some popcorn and pairing it with Mountain Dew. Oh, that's a perfect combination. No matter where you find yourself this time of year, it'll be a better experience when paired with the American original that is Mountain Dew. Hailing from the foothills of Tennessee in 1948, by way of two brothers who knew what it meant to have a good time outside. It's a kind of simple roots you can't help but respect. I love the taste of that crisp citrus kick, especially after kicking back in a hot tub or roasting some marshmallows. Get out there and enjoy the outdoors with Mountain Dew and American original. Tasting great since '48. Look for Mountain Dew and stores near you. - Okay, here's a deal, man. And I think you're right. I think it just keeps going and going. I don't know if you pop into somebody's life, like midlife. I don't fucking know. But I do know that in order to, it's a marathon. This existence is a cruel, it's that sycophess sycophess syphilis. The myth of sycophess. You are always putting the rock up the hill and this is just what it is. And then hopefully you get a good incarnation and you have enough peace in your life that you can figure out things or you just suffer. You're born in the wrong part of the world, wrong time of day. You imagine being born in like the middle ages or just like or a reiner. I'm sorry. (laughing) No shit. - Which one? - Which one? - Which one? - And Reiner. - Which fuck, I mean, disastrous. - Yeah, I mean, that's though, it doesn't matter. You could be born in some slum and fucking India where your parents are cutting your hands off to make you a more efficient beggar. You could be born in Hollywood, California, a reiner. And then the next thing you know, you're killing your fucking parents. Go into the shadow more and more. I'll cover them blood. (laughing) You know what I mean? It doesn't really matter. It's like you still are faced with the problem, which is you exist. We don't quite understand why. And we're surrounded by people who think they do understand why. And they're fairly convincing. And then it's a very confusing situation to find oneself. - But don't you think you and I have been in other universes and dimensions? And I think that's why we have some awareness of the ridiculousness of this existence. Like what if we're in a different fucking system, dude? All together, I don't think we just keep coming back to Earth. We can't be the only players in this game. - I've fantasized about that sometimes. You know, the whole new age, maybe an alien or maybe I come from an alien world. - You definitely do. - You think so? - I know so. I've known you for a long time. And I feel like you're definitely not of this world. - Well, you should watch the Heaven's Gate documentary because let me tell you a few years. - It's a old one, yeah? - It's from 2021, it's interesting. - What's interesting about it, there's two things, they're very interesting to me about one. Somehow it's the most boring cult. My theory is they were, they weren't a fuck cult. - They weren't, which is why it's no fun. - No fun. - It's a fuck to be in a cult. - It's like with the only reason to be in a cult. - Is the fuck, yo. - And they're not a fuck, they were, I think they were castrating themselves at one point. - Bring up these nerds. Let's take a look at these dorks. - Most disappointing cult. - Yeah, no fucking, no like young, hot things. I wonder if they do, it's what they get. - They were gay. - No, look at that. - Oh, this guy's running in the show. - I didn't know they had a choir. (laughing) - Are you gonna join them? - No, they can't, they're gone. They've left the planet, but you know, if you watch this cult, what's really depressing about it, and I think it plays into what we're talking about, and why I don't want any more to think I'm from another planet, is 'cause if you start thinking those things, you become susceptible to this motherfucker with his creepy eyes, who's like, of course you're from another planet, don't you wanna go back? You wanna be here? This place sucks, level up baby, it's time to say goodbye to this bullshit. a band in your family and commit suicide with me. And things are so miserable here. He convinced 40 people to kill themselves, which is a critic critique of modern life. - Yes. - We don't want, if things have gotten to such a point, look at that dude. - He sucks too, he's not even hot. He's gotten nothing to offer. - Wait, hold on, how did they kill themselves? Did they drink the Kool-Aid? - Benzos. - Oh that's a good way to go. - They put on the, can you pull up Heaven's Gate? - That's a good way to go. - There's a scene. - There's a scene. - You can see them. - I must not have. - You can see their shoes, they had to, they stopped selling these shoes because of this. - Can you just pull up that image of it? You just check out the shoes. - What kind of shoes did they wear? What do you mean? - Those, ah, you can't, you can't get those anymore, you can't get those anymore. 'Cause everyone wanted them after this. (laughing) It's so dark. - It's product placement. And yeah, so they all were convinced that if they killed themselves, they would go onto an actual spaceship. And this guy was not very charismatic, but he managed to convince all these people to do that. - Can we see him talking this leader? 'Cause I wanna see if I'm susceptible to this. 'Cause I agree with you, 'cause I think you and I could be taken down in this rabbit hole. - Oh yeah. - If I spent enough time with this dude, I'd be like, "You know what, he's kinda right." - I think I experienced something in his presence. (laughing) - Such a idiot. It's so desperate, can we leave? Please, please tell me that I don't belong here. - Exactly. - God, okay, let's, you can find his actual, there you go. Marshal Apple. - I'm going to talk to you about the most urgent thing that is on our minds. - He's got crazy eyes. - What we suspect is the most urgent thing on the minds of those who will connect with us. - Uh-oh. - We'll title this tape. - That's it. - About to be recycled. - Ooh. (laughing) - Your only chance to evacuate. - Oh my God. - Is to leave with us. - To leave without. (blows raspberry) - Planet Earth, about to be recycled. - How does he have proof of that though? How does he know? - I can't do it. - Don't need it. - Survive. - Yes. - Or evacuate is to leave with us. - Who told him this? Is he communicating with the aliens and stuff? - This is what's crazy from, I didn't know this in the documentary, this guy. He taught music, he has a great singing voice, apparently during a performance. I don't think it was Broadway. It was some kind of like big performance, has a full scale nervous breakdown, gets committed to a hospital where I believe he meets a nurse who then convinces him that he's some kind of alien or something. And it gets even more sad. His dad was a Presbyterian minister who didn't like that he was gay. And so what this ends up being is some kind of sad attempt to get your dad to love you. - Always. - Oh, that's what show businesses just become a comedian. (laughing) It doesn't work but try. - So sad, it definitely doesn't work. But when you realize that everything just goes back to you want your mommy or your daddy to love you. - The way that you wanted to be loved. They'll just love me the way I need it. That's the whole trick. Yeah, he's not, see I sensed gayness 'cause you were like, there's no fucking in this cult. And I look at him and he's ever oppressed homosexual. - Right, yeah, he's gay. Like at least in the documentary they talked about right before his nervous breakdown. He was having an affair with a graduate student and then something snapped in him, cuts off his dick. Like does he cut it off? - I'm pretty sure that might be misinformation, but I'm pretty sure he cut his dick off and then gets a bunch of people to kill themselves because his dad didn't love him, right? - Dude, I know. - That's why you gotta be a good parent. - Yeah, I love your kids. - You gotta love your kids. That's a point. - The best way you know how. Well, hold on. Listen, okay, did he cut his dick off? - No, not exactly, he was surgically castrated. Fuck you! - Did you pussy? - Not exactly, he was certain. - Yeah, okay, he cut his dick off. - Meaning his testicles were moved. - Oh, that's true. - So well, we'll still pussy, go for the whole thing. If you're not into it, cut your dick off. - Apple white and several other male heaven gate members underwent voluntary castration in the 1990s to fit their belief that sexual desire was an attachment to the human vehicle. And so when you realize, really long, I mean, Tesla cut his balls off. - I think he did, yeah. - From what? - And sanity earned. - No, he just was being distracted by wanting to fuck. And so he needed to focus on his-- - Dude, so weird like that. Like you guys can't balance opposing forces and desires. Like, you don't have to like go all or nothing, dude. - Wait, wait, wait. - What, what did you say about this? - You guys are so dick-driven. - What? - Yeah. - What is this? - I'm so sorry, I don't want to get in that argument with you on your own show. But did you just say-- - It's on "Step Dad's" here. - It's okay. Okay, then step Dad's here. Let me lay down the law. There's nothing on this planet more balanced and stable than a man, especially the way we tune into our sexual energies. And for, no offense, for a woman. - Yeah. - Say blanket statement like that. It's pretty ridiculous. - You know what? - You're a Lindsey, you're a Lindsey trial. - Don't talk to me about in "Fantasyte." - I don't wanna fuck, is this that bitch that kills her kids? - Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shh, shh, shh, shh, I can't. Too dark. I was already in the void yesterday. Let's fucking take some more, just give me, I'm sorry, I kind of lost my cold there for a second. - Just tell me if you wanna do this, 'cause I feel like I wanna do this. - I wanna do it. (laughing) - I hate that sound. - It's so good. I wanna do this so bad. Fuck, dude, his teeth are so strong. (laughing) - Don't judge, you dick. - He's a fucking bad guy. - Why is he, he's blowing into it now? Do we know what, oh let's see, let's see, by the way, I'm jealous, 'cause I've got veneers in the front, 'cause I knocked out half of a tooth when I was a kid. I can't, I can't even do that. I can't even eat the meat off of a rib. 'Cause my fucking veneers will pop off. - Can we go back to the dude with a Fedora who's judging this guy, and I'm telling you, you can't. - This is fucking cool. - Yeah, you guys wanna see the guy in the Fedora? Was he going in the Fedora? - Yeah, he's a fucking asshole, he's a hipster. - Where out of these hipsters wander into a place where this guy is like beavering up a tree. - Okay, here we go. - It's in Tanzania. Portuguese language caption frames it as a man harvesting tree bark used in traditional medicine. It's a reposted clip on blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Aftermath, no follow up found. The man is unnamed. Well, of course, I mean, he does this shit every day. So what, he's harvesting bark. I mean, that's how you fucking did it before. - It's gotta be other ways, there's rocks. There's so many other ways to do that, right? Wow, you think there's teeth stuck in that tree. I bet there's teeth in there. I'm so jealous. - I am too. I wanna be free like that man, eating trees. - What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Whoa! - Ah! - What's going on? - Oh! That's what's on it. - Yeah! - What's going on? What's going on? - Yup. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want some of this? - Yeah, dude. It looks good. - What's going on? - Okay, can I tell you my conspiracy theory about this? He's still going. Okay, so these types of videos they pop up all the time. Crazy person in gym. - I mean, do you need to judge him? - I'm so sorry. But a boisterous, - That's why I asked a grandma choose. - A enthusiastic, shirtless man grunting away in a gym. Yeah, here's my theory on this. So gyms, there's only a certain amount of room in a gym. So when you're getting members, you count on people not going to the gym. - Yes. - If your gym gets too overpopulated, people are showing up too much. - You start sending crazy people into the fucking locker room to do that shit to get people to stop coming. - I'm telling you. (laughing) - Brilliant. - They're cutting down on the population. - Yes. - So that you can use the machine. - Exactly. - Yeah, that makes sense. That makes so much sense. Can I, I mean, this is just my preference 'cause I do work out with a trainer like two or three times a week. And one time she recorded me like just to show me how good my form was. And I was like, dude, I look so bad. Exercising. And I know a lot of people like to post their workouts and I admire it and stuff. But like, I feel like such a faggot, dude, when I work out. Like I don't look cool. It's like watching a fucking fish walk on land. Or I don't know, it's not good. I'm not like cool. I wish I were cool working out. You know what I'm doing? - It's not, I'm not, you don't want to be out. - Have you ever posted a workout video? - Ah! If I did my wife would have me committed. (laughs) If I posted a workout video, I'd start getting calls for my friends 'cause she would have called them. I'd start getting calls from friends and be like, don't get what's going on, man. Haven't talked to you in a little bit. - Just doing the reps. - I just want to fucking show people me lifting 50 pounds. (laughs) I'm binge pressing 50 pounds. Acting like I'm pushing a car off of me. That's what I want. - It's so embarrassing. - I feel the same way about people who film themselves humping. - I'm sorry, like pornography? - No, like when you know, like there's dudes who will film themselves fucking. - Just for life? - Yeah. - Like how just for fun? I think my dad did that stuff. Cut that out. (laughing) - Just get a knees nut in, they got a laugh. - No, I would rather watch Ukrainian drone kill footage than myself fucking anything. - Okay, okay, yes and how about you in the best shape of your life, like 20-something year old Duncan fucking? - Nah. - Seriously? - No way. I just, I can't, I'm a never-new dude. Like never-new. - No, I'm telling you, even if I have like, I don't, I don't have an ass, you know? - I have no ass either. - I'm nothing. - I'm assless. - Yeah. - And I'm hairy, I had, like, no matter how many, like what's, it's bad enough to not have an ass, but to have like a little muscular ass, it just sort of rabbit pulsing away at somebody in my 20s. I wouldn't, it's just the whole thing. You know, his divine grace, AC Bogdivayda Swamy Prabhupad, founder of the Horry Krishna's, said famously, human existence is an embarrassing situation. - Yes, yes. - And whether your ass has muscles, or whether you have no ass at all, it's embarrassing to watch yourself fuck. - It's disgusting. Well, everything about human existence is disgusting. St. Augustine said that we are born in between urine and feces. Like, think about that, like, you're born a piece of shit. And then you're like, you fucking get in the shower. Like, I just hop past the mirror, like, oh, god, I can't. - Born in the tank. - That's what he was saying. He didn't have the word "tape" back then. - That's right. We should revise that. All right, let's see. - Oh, oh, here, here. Okay. - This is a real uplifting episode. - That's fantastic. Okay, here we go. Let me know if you're interested in this. - If anyone has an extra room, they're not using a late Tahoe or floor space. - Yeah. - Just for the winter. I can contribute in food and meditation classes. - Oh. - Free, just as much as you want. - Okay. - Every day. - Wow. - That's the best time to meditate. So if there's anybody in late Tahoe, my phone isn't on right now. I just pirate the internet. But I'm always at either Reagan or at the Commons. You can find me Thursday night. - The library? - I work, setting up for the concerts in the morning or at Safeway. So those three persons can find me in the green house again. - Yeah. - A lot of you already know who I am. - Oh. - So if you're interested. - Okay. - Let me know. - Okay, cool. - Oh, and Rue. - Nope. - But I need a crate for her. - But, great. - But here's the thing. I gotta find him in one of three locations. - You gotta work for him. - Yeah, what the fuck, dude? - Yeah. - You don't just get a free filthy fucking hippie and a dog living in your fucking place. You gotta find him to show you need him. You want him. That's crazy. - The audacity. - The audacity. - The audacity. - The phone and working. - Yeah. - So, come on, dude, wipe your face off. You can wipe your face. I'm not trying to be a dick. Like, we're all in difficult situations. But, dude, you could just watch your face off first. That's true. For the video, you see that? Trying to room up with somebody, you know? I'm not trying to be a square ear. I actually wouldn't mind meditating with him. - Yeah, either. - I think he'd be a great meditation hang. - Yeah, for sure. - But then, maybe I'd have to put him in the backyard somewhere. Like, I have a greenhouse. Maybe I could let him put him in my greenhouse. - Yeah, they used that world. - That used to be a thing. - What were those called? They were called garden hermits. You ever hear of this? Like, you would go and get a dude like this because it was considered sophisticated to have a wise person living in your garden. So, you'd hire him to live in a hut and your garden and your rich friends would come over and you'd be like, "You wanna go talk to the hermit?" - Perfect. - Yeah. - I wanna hermit. You can get one. - Dude, that'll be right. - Easy to get a hermit. - Do I have to feed him? Yeah, I gotta like feed him and keep him up. But, where does he shit and piss? 'Cause there's no plumbing. And he fertilizes the plants. He takes care of the vegetation. - Yes. - Dude, I kinda like this idea. - It's in a classic idea, garden hermits. Ah! All right. Here's a good one. - My god, this is Shannon Green. What a beautiful goddess. - She is with her beautiful body of sexual perfection. Oh my god, to be her loving partner. - Yeah. - She's so sad, she's happily married. Love you still, my beautiful goddess. - Okay. I mean, yeah. He's not wrong though, because these people that do these local news shows are fucking striking. Like, we've all done them for comedy when you go to these small towns. - Yeah. - Do you like K-Cal 9? Bro. - I know. - They're fucking stunning. Bring up K-Cal 9. One time I did some press there. And the way that they do the makeup on these news women, they airbrush it on, dude. - Yeah. - You look so fucking nice, looks so good. - I've been transfixed with him. When I've gone on, you just, you get, you fall in love with him, you get sideline, 'cause they're just so beautiful. - They're so beautiful. I mean, yeah, like these are perfect humans. - Just exactly right, every single one of them. - Yeah, not a single flaw. - No. - Perfect in every way. - No, look at Christine Lazar. - Look at that look. - I mean, and they're so good at faking being interested in what you have to say. - I know. - They seem really taken with you. God, that's a rough gig. That is a horrible gig. - I think I killed myself. Rachel Kim, I mean, just to be that perfect every day at every moment and place your hands in the right place and say the right thing, what is this personality type that can do this? - I don't get it. They're kind of like eight, excuse me. They're kind of like aliens, you know? When you realize they're just reading off a teleprompter's, they're not, they don't really have that much of an original thought. They just read off a, they're essentially, I don't wanna, I mean, it sounds, I'm not, listen, I do not wanna seem like I'm against the sex workers of the world. So what I'm about to say is not like a slight, but aren't they strippers that read off a teleprompter? Wouldn't you argue that these, even though they're not taking their clothes off, they make them wear super sex clothes. - Yes, yes, yes. - Why, why are you dressing like that? You don't need to, you don't need to, not like they're all like that, but you know pull up like a sexy weather woman. - That's so true, why? It's always selling sex with, this is so funny you bring this up. I was watching Airplane yesterday and it's such a computing. - You're original. - The original Airplane. - I can't give you a fucking break. - Such a bad kid, man. - This is the worst. - You don't need a dress like that. - Just do only fans, what are you doing? Why are you doing this, dude? You don't have to do this. - Yeah, this is a good plan. - It's a thing. - But anyway, I was watching Airplane and there's just like this throwaway joke, which there's so many good jokes. Every fucking moment of Airplane is a set up or a punch is so cleanly written. But there was this part where this pilot is looking at a magazine rack and it's like, can you bring up Airplane magazine rack scene? And it was so funny 'cause you're so used to it that you don't realize it. It was like real estate, exercise, whacking material. (laughing) Why is that acceptable that we're like, yeah, look, I forget what the categories are. It's brilliant, whacking material. In the airport, like whacking material. (laughing) Okay, you fiction, non-fiction, whacking material. In the middle of the airport. And you're like, that is how it's set up in society. Guys got to jerk off. - Yeah. - You got to masturbate. - You have to. - You have to be ready to fuck at all times or just satiate that need. - You do, yeah. - Even when you're watching, but who's watching the weather? Who the fuck is watching, local? - Well, I just, that's the whole point. I think they must be hemorrhaging viewers all the time. So they're like, what do we do? - That's so true. - Nobody gives a fuck about this. At some point, you don't really care anymore about the weather. So you gotta get a party in there to sell it. 'Cause they don't do that with dudes. Where's like the sexy guy weatherman? Where's the dude in the thaw? - All right, all right. Yes, again, go back to LA, local news. They're always hot, the dudes are. Okay, Dallas Reigns. Remember Dallas Reigns, dude? - Yep. - He was hot. But then they would go like the nerdy route. Yeah, dude, come on, Dallas Reigns. In his heyday, like, obviously, there he is, little. - How strange. - Fritz Cole. These guys are not. I mean, all I had was Dallas Reigns. Look what, but Dallas Reigns. - Dallas Reigns. (laughing) - I'm sorry. - I don't know. - All right. All right, what about Chuck Woolery? The host has wanted to talk. - I'm not a connection. In the '80s, my mom fucking dittled her skittle to Chuck Woolery. For fucking sure, dude, look what a hot piece of ass Chuck Woolery. - Yeah, he's hot. That's a hot man, he's beautiful. - They used to hook us up. - Yeah. - Yeah, he's hot. Look at that. - But I gotta tell you, these acne hands. - I ran into Zach Efron at the comedy mothership. He was hanging out, and I was looking at him, and I was like, you, I forgot, I didn't put it together that he was him, and I met him in the green room, and I was like, wow, you're really attractive. And then it clicked, and I'm like, oh, sorry. But like, you meet one of these fucking people in real life, and you're like, oh, this is real. Like, this guy's really fucking attractive. - All right, this, this is real. is such a dangerous thing that exists on the planet. The Zac Efron's, 'cause it's like, if that guy asked you to kill yourself, (laughing) would you even hesitate? (laughing) There was so much power, it's so cute. And damn dude, look at him. I was like stunned, he shook my hand, and I was like, "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh." If I was Zac Efron, I would film myself fucking, for sure. Thank you. I get your point, but yeah, imagine like that life experience, what that's like. Oh, I don't know, can I have some more mommy juice, please? That's what I was thinking about, too, is how does a man handle that much power of being that hot from the jump? Like, I understand, like, Dorks, like Zuckerberg, or these CEOs, like, they get rich, they get fit, and then they get chicks, there's a progression to that. Yeah. But when you're just hot out of the gate, what does that do to a man's psychology? One of his big life problems is all the beautiful women that fall in love with him. Yeah, I mean, this is like a troublesome for his whole life, breaking hearts. He doesn't want to it. Imagine that is your problem. Do you think it's a problem, though? Oh, yeah. Do you think he just enjoys it? He's never known. He's never known what it's like to not get a blowjob after a day. He's never had that experience, his whole life. There's never been a moment where he, if he wants to get blown, it's not happening. Ever. Hold on, do you think my strategy with him is to neg him, as they say, and treat him like shit? I'm like, I'm never going to blow you, Zach Efron. Get fucked. Should've been the first thing out of your mouth when you realized it was Zach Efron. It's like, I'm not going to suck your dick. You guys will be married. Right now you would already be married again. Never going to marry again. Okay, so that's my, that should be my strategy with Zach. It's just like, I'm not interested in you, dude. No, stop DMing me, Zach. Good. No. Is anyone message right now? Just tell him right now you're not interested. Okay, one more minute. You have his number? No, I didn't get his phone number. I'm DMing him. Hold on, what do I, what do I DM him? Hey, Zach. Hold on, let's see. I don't even think he follows me. Can he, can he write back if he doesn't? You know what, I would start off with just a one-way, hey. Hey. Okay, here we go. No, I'm serious. I'm gonna text him right now. What do I, what do I text him? Hey, Zach. Hey. Saw you at the green room, as you probably remember. Yeah. Just want you to know. Just know. I'm never gonna suck that hog. I'm never gonna suck. No, that's not really your voice. No. I'm never gonna suck your dick. And that's it? Just say, yeah. Okay. Not like nice meeting you the other night or? Read it, read it to me. Dear, dear Zach. (laughing) It should be, hey, Zach. Hey, hey, Zach. (laughing) Hey, Z. Oh. Like I created a nickname for him. I just say, hey, Zach. Okay. Hey, Zach, go ahead. Wait, great, great meeting you. Yeah, great meeting you in the green room. Great meeting you in the green room. Just to be clear. Yeah. Cool. Let's see what he says. (screaming) Just to be like, well, let's see how this goes. Or does he have to earn the dick sucks? No, never. Okay, I'm never gonna suck your dick. Period. Period. Hold on. Okay. Okay, I'm fucking sending it. Send it. Okay, ready? Let's see if it works. Okay. Hey, Zach. Just to be clear. (laughing) Just to be clear, I'm never gonna suck your dick. Send. (screaming) (laughing) I'm sinned. I'm sinned. No, who cares? I'm not dating Zach Efron. He's 20 years old. (laughing) Let's just see if he's Zach. Hey, hit me up. I threw out the offer. I put my hand key out. How old is he? Oh, he's 38. Is that appropriate? Yes, that's appropriate. I'm 50. You watch. You know what? I'm so glad you did that and had the courage to do that. (laughing) For those of you watching, I do offer a seminar. (laughing) I don't want to, I'm sorry to plug my own stuff, but if you're having got problems, hit me up. Hit me up. I will help you connect with Zach Efron. I only do with Efron though. He's really cute. Where does he live? Cause he was an Austin, he was at a mothership. He liked my set. He came up to me and he was like really funny stuff. Right. And he shook my hand and I was so, you know, star struck that I was like, no, he's Australian? Primarily lives in Australia. Shut the front door. Inside Zach Efron's future cave. Actor is building 2.7 million off-grid hand-pouse. Cool, cool. Fucking cool. Whatever did, listen, I threw out the fucking offer. He knows what's up now. You'll see what happens. That's gonna scramble him. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if like we, why, I wouldn't be surprised if the news is like Zach Efron no longer with us. Like that could kill him. It could like, it could just pop a brain cell. Great page six is gonna pick this fucking story up. (laughing) They seem to love to pick up every non-new story with me. They're all over you. All over it. It's crazy, like you, it's wild, the fixation. Bring up, where's the, can I have a cigarette? I should have a cigarette. I'm getting enough to ask. They ran this story, so I ate shit in London. Yeah, man. What do you mean you ate shit in there? Like dude, the fucking R.E. was like, "Um, I'm gonna take you up to the three spots. "And this first place is really cool. "And then the second place is even better. "You're gonna like it." And I fucking get up, dude. And this club in London, and I'm just me like, I'm doing the same material that I've done for fucking 20 years, like shitting on my husband, which is what we both do for 25, like guys. Come on, it's probably why we're divorced. Plus feelings, might not help. (laughs) But I was, I just did my act, like I normally do, but I ate dicks 'cause they were kind of a woke audience and they were not feeling me. Like they booed, bro. They were like, they fucking hated me. Like I haven't had that heart of a bomb. What did they boo? What did you say that made them mad? The jokes, like I said, I've been doing them for years about Tom, like your husband is not your partner. The partner in play, like detectives and cowboys. And so far, the only mystery I'm trying to solve is why every time my husband uses a toilet, it looks like the bottom of a pudding cup. What a bunch. Boo, like they weren't into it. Like it was just a joke. - Because you were making fun of the term partner. - Oh. - It wasn't 'cause Tom shits. It's because like they were taking offense at the term partner. - Got it. - Which is like one of the key components of that sector of society. You say partner, you don't say boyfriend, girlfriend. - The gay. - I'm not into it. You love to say partner, you love abortions, and you love masking. - Here's the thing though, is that partner to co-opt the term partner, I feel is homophobic or homo whatever co-opting, because that used to be a term in the gay community before they could get married, you would call a dude, your partner. So why are we co-opting? - It's awful. - Gay dude or gay people language. I think it's fucked up. Anyway, long story short, I get off stage. I ate dicks so fucking hard. And Ari's standing there. And I was like, dude, I hate shit. So hard, he's like, same thing happened to me when I did it the first time. - And I'm like, you dick, you kind of fucking told me. So apparently some audience went to page six or wherever the London, the English tabloid. Christina Pugetsky roasted estranged, estranged. Like, I don't know where he is. Let's talk to him yesterday. Christina Pugetsky roasted estranged husband Tom Segura during comedy show immediately following split revelation. Well yeah, 'cause TMZ broke my life apart and I had just happened to be in England. - Oh my God. - When I had a show scheduled the next day. So I had to address it 'cause some people in the audience fucking know. - By Bernie Zillow. Can we pull up Bernie Zillow? Don't you wanna see who wrote this fucking thing? - I think it originally came from the UK though. I don't think page six. - Okay, it's a lady. Bernie Zillow. Bernie's a lady. - Based in Florida, Bernie is a senior report. Just think of this though. It's important to really think about Bernie Zillow. Zillow, Bernie Zillow, no doubt had dreams of making the world a better place. Bernie Zillow, no doubt. If I had to guess hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt, she got her journal. You know what I mean? - Yeah, good intentions. - Good and sweat and bullets and now Bernie Zillow. I'm just talking about, you know, they say vengeance is mine, say at the Lord. A person like this. - Vengeance is what? - Vengeance is mine, say at the Lord. You don't have to sort of revenge on Bernie Zillow for writing this piece of shit article. 'Cause when I think of people like that, distorting truths so they can make some money, I want their eyes to burn out of their heads and like they use the wrong eye drops and they just, their eyes, they permanently blind themselves. That's how to talk about the void. That's what me, you know, a person like lives with a fucking black and white picture in the glasses like she's an intellectual lying and distorting fucking reality. You would love to see this person drawn and quartered ripped to shreds, her guts and heart bouncing on the cobblestone of the town square as people spit into her fucking dead face. That's what you want for these people. But the truth of the matter is, is this person lives in Florida. I'm making a living. - It has to write lies every day. - But can I, let's do what she's great. I'm sorry Bernie, she's fine. - Everyone's gotta make a buck. But how about this? Do me a solid, what picture did they use with the story? That's all I care about it. 'Cause if they gave me a nice, nah, that's not the bad. - Not bad. - That's an old one, I was pregnant. Okay, so they ran nice pictures of us. - So that's great. - Which I do appreciate. 'Cause when they, that's the bad picture. Like, come on, I'm fucking postpartum, I'm fat as shit. - Oh, I like that picture. - You guys couldn't find, see I like that, hold on, go up. The Christina Buggersky filed to divorce Tom Sigur a month before, see how good that picture is. That's the one I want. If you guys are gonna run stuff about me, please use flattering photographs. This is, oh, see, this is what the toilet habit thing, go up. This is what I got in trouble for. Pogitsky 50, I love how they put my age. Also spoke about Sigur's toilet habits we were told, but the British audience didn't get it and the whole thing bombed. The diet ate such dicks, it was kind of fun. Oh, according to the audience member, Pogitsky responded by telling the crowd they were no fun. - It's truth, of course. I mean, what, fuck you, I'm gonna come back to London, I'm gonna do that exact show and I'm gonna eat even harder dicks next time. - Yeah, fuck you. - Get 'em, get 'em. - Get 'em, get back there. - Come back, bitch. - Bomb. - Bomb, I mean, it's like news that I bombed. Of course, dummy. It's so stupid, but anyway, thank you for running at least a flattering issue. - Read the last line. The source argued it's a comedian's job to tell jokes about life and now through the lens of a divorce, it looks different, this is true. I mean, I've been doing these jokes for years, and now it looks hateful, but we've always done this. - I'm sorry, maybe I'm just overthinking it. Number one, you've normalized these vultures. You've normed, these are human vultures. - Yeah, parisites. - They're parisites. They're horrible parisites and you're doing something sad, which is you're like, "Just use a good picture of me "when you lie about me." It's so sad. - But I tell you what, Duncan, and in reality, this is how I see this. Is that this is the price of admission to this amazing life that I have. - Yeah, that's true. - And if they wanna make a buck and they wanna do this, okay, it's not true, and I think anybody with a fucking brain in their head can read between lines and be like, this is nonsense. We know, I'm a good person. I don't have, you know, I haven't broken laws or do anything nefarious, okay. - I think it's part of the issue. - It's part of the issue after like in some way, think of a way to deal with it. Can you pull up a picture of a lampry? What's a lampry? Just it's horrifying when you see these fucking things. Just pull up a lampry clinging to something. You see, that's what these people are. They're like this and that, you know, if that lampry depends on things getting used to it, it numbs their skin so it's used to the fact that it's sucking the blood out of them. And Bernie is a lampry. Like Bernie, you know what I mean? Is a lamp inside of her? Is that, that's what she is inside. That's what she's become sucking away. They say like, I just love pop culture. You don't love pop culture. You love monetizing people's suffering in the horror so that you can fucking buy stupid fashion glasses. You know, and it's very sweet. It's very sweet what you're doing and you're right. I mean, is the price of a mission? - It is, and I'm stoked that I get to live this like, I know Duncan and I appreciate your outrage because I felt it too. I'm not saying that I didn't feel hurt and betrayed and weird that that even is a story. Like comedian bombs. Yeah, no shit, we all bomb. - Right, but also, and I'm not gonna keep going on about this. If I was Bernie, I would be nervous. I would be nervous about fucking with you. - What do you mean? Because of this huge audience that we have? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not because the audience. - Oh, oh, oh. - Not because the audience. I'm not saying that. I'm not threatening Bernie or anything like that. - No, no, no, no. - I don't know anything about the occult and I don't dabble in that stuff at all. - At all. I didn't, I'm not gonna do anything with you. - And you're like, but I would say that like, you're so much. - You're more that you're doing, the more that you're putting out that kind of energy. - It's bad energy. - You know, it's considered technically, it's a curse. So what she's doing is cursing you. And so when you curse, the problem is is you connect with the person you're cursing and that energy can be easily reversed. Like right now, I could be doing that. Right now, and when you reverse that energy, you send it back times 10. So I would be nervous if I was Bernie, 'cause usually if you fuck with the wrong people and stuff like that, really bad things happen to you. A series of awful coincidences where you're like, wait a minute, this is something bad is happening. I'm just saying, out of compassion, out of compassion, I worry for these people. - We're just both such compassionate, wonderful people. (laughing) - I know, she's Bernie, I'm joking. You're gonna be fine. I would never fuck around with that shit. - Who cares? It's just a story. And you know, look, you guys know me. You've known me for how many years we've done this show? 18, 17 years now, Jean. How long? - Since 2010, since 16 years. - Yeah. I just feel bad for Bernie's cat. Isn't that weird? (laughing) Hey, Bernie, isn't that weird? I knew you had a cat. (laughing) I wouldn't do anything to your cat. I'm joking. - Fucking mittens. - I swear to you, I wouldn't fuck with Bernie, I would not fuck with you. You or you're familiar with anything like that at all. I would not. I don't mess with that stuff anymore. - Vampire stuff. - Yeah. - What can I look, dude? Listen, I just thought I should address it in case anybody who did read that knows it. That's stupid. - Nobody read that. - No one read it. They won't know, cool. Listen, do you want to do some TikToks with me? Hell yeah. Here we go. - I heard you bitches were looking for me. (upbeat music) - Bitch, here I go. (laughing) - That was from my first year of curating those sounds. Okay, ready? Here we go. - Oh, I love the spirit of dragon. - Aw. - Isn't that cute? - That is cute. - Kinda want one now. (laughing) - Aw, that's nice. (upbeat music) - That is so sweet. - Makes me happy. It's very soothing to watch. - It is. - Now I want one, dude. - Yeah, me too. - Are they hard to care for? We had a panther chameleon and a fucking diet on us. I had to have a funeral for the chameleon. - Oh, no, how did I? - Just we woke up one day and it was fucking rotted out in its cage. It was fine the night before and then it just fucking died. I have no idea, dude. - Yeah. - My kid was devastated, it was horrible. - Probably some kind of lizard disease. - I think so 'cause it's like a rare animal. - Yeah. - They're not meant to be in captivity. - Yeah. - Wait, bring up this bearded dragon. Let's see if this is a, maybe I'll get this for my kid. - That's kinda cool. - Poor Alice, he was so fucking devastated. I was too, I like that chameleon, I like lizards. Hey, do you think I'm a reptile? Like what animal I look like? - No, you don't look like a reptile. - What do I look like? - A reptile? - This morning I spent literally an hour and a half trying to decipher which animal I look like. - Really? - Yeah, 'cause I found this Slavic girl online who was like, you should just go with the animal you look like. It's like empowering and shit in Slavic culture. - Yeah. - Please be honest with me. Am I a reptile? I feel like an iguana. - I don't see it. - Well, what do you see? - I don't do the animal thing. You know why? - It's like a fucking beaver. (laughing) And it's like, oh really, go with being a beaver. - What's wrong with a beaver? - Oh, isustrious? - Okay, let's say you do look like a dragon. You get to look like a dragon. Some kind of majestic dragon. - A Komodo dragon. - Great, so you get to be a Komodo dragon. That's cool. What do I do? Go scrape my teeth on trees? - Yeah, dude, like that guy. That guy was fun and awesome. - That's what I often say. If I have a look like an animal, it's like a beaver or a weasel or something. - So they're fucking rad. - I wanna be a dragon. - Be a dragon. - You can't, when you look like a beaver. - Wait, guys in the booth, what animal am I? And I know you've said peacock before, but I think that's my aura. It's not my face. Or I look like a golden retriever, like a dog. I might be dog-like. See like the hair and the-- - I would say more people are golden retriever than like dry. You don't wanna look like a reptilian. - No, I think I'm a dog. Am I a dog? - Guys. - Guys, it feels right. - Yes, just to agree with me. - See, they're so afraid. - That is a scary thing. Why are they gonna say? - Yeah, I don't care. I'm not, you're not gonna ruin my day. Just tell me what I am. - Just say what she looks like. - I like peacock. - Peacock felt pretty close. - But my face is not a, is it a bird face? Is it a dog face? Is it a cat face? - Hold on, let me look. - 'Cause I've got like Eastern European puffy cheeks. Big eyes. - His. - Or hooded. - Okay, I see the lizard. I can see the lizard when he was. - His? I can see that, sure. Why not? - All right, I like a lizard. - Look at this, look, I've been practicing. Are you ready? Look, look, look, look. - Could you, that's good, right? - Could you blow, could you blow out your neck? Could you do a neck bubble? - No, I can't do this shit. - Okay, can I show you something that maybe you should consider getting out? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Can you pull up the new AI chicken, AI duck, AI robot duck? This is one of this new, the new Blade Runner style. Oh yeah, can you pull up a YouTube video of that? Can we show that? Check. (laughs) Oh, I hate it. I hate it. I don't like this at all. - Hello. I need you to take a good look at this thing because at first glance, microduck looks less like a serious one. - I want one so bad. - This is the only thing that escapes from a very ambitious toy factory. - I don't like it. this video. This is not shaped like a duck. It's shaped like a robot. Okay, I can pick shit up. Okay, that, that, you might not like it, but I bet Alice would fucking love that. You know, you're right, you're right. It's so cool. It's 400 pounds for robot. For robot telling it doesn't die. You don't have a funeral. You're not going to die. If it does just fucking replace it. Just replace it. Wait, but does that still look like a duck at all, dude? They didn't even try. No, but you get them all together. They sing to each other. Oh, that's kind of nice. All right, I'm getting you should get in one of those. Look at that. Would you get one, would you get them for your kids? I would definitely. I'm going to for Christmas. Okay, I'm going to do it too. And we'll see how much we fucked them up. And they all get that we could bring them together and they like, they talk to each other. When you guys come over, you could bring four robot duck. Are you getting one for each kid? No, that's too expensive. It's too expensive. Just want me. That's a family duck. I won't get it for all the kids. I don't Aaron won't let me get it. She hates AI probably, but I just get it without asking. I got to take a push. Let's pause. Okay, and then we'll do these tech talk. Do you have to push this episode? Okay, are we doing all right here? Yeah. Okay, great. I love this shit. No, this is this is who fucking cares what Zach Afro is going on. We're doing what we're doing. The Zach Efron thing will be cool. That'll be so funny. I hope he gets back to the right back yet. Well, let's see if Zach is right. That's amazing. They're Zach Efron with me. This is amazing. Okay, let's see if he wrote back. Hold on. This is such a pressure. I don't like, okay, not yet, guys, not yet. Can I tell you what I want to do with dating? Because I don't like this DMing and this texting. I'm going to install a landline. And I'm just going to have like a machine like back in the day. You want to fucking talk to me, bro? Leave me a message. Maybe I'll call you back. Maybe I won't. Or I could hire a Hungarian guy to answer the phone like back in the day when my dad would. And be like, what is your name? What is your last name? Where are you from? What are you doing? Like to hire a threatening senior pan? Let me ask realistically. Sure. We've been joking about it. But realistically, when do you when do you really think you would start dating again? Realistic. 10 years? Yeah. Yeah. 60? Yeah. When I look my best. Because you know, anytime like whatever you think about like with Aaron, whenever, like, you know, like you think about divorce. You're never divorcing Aaron. I was the best. But, but you do think like that moment where your ex-wife starts dating someone. That's a fucked up. That's a mind fuck, man. That's a mind fuck. You know, your kids, like, I can remember when my mom started dating and like, I can remember dudes coming out in the morning of her room. Shut up, bro. I will never do that. That's my droops. No, dude. They just fucked your mom. They're not dude. Not dude. Not dude. Not dude. That's not happening. No fucking way. Can I tell you something? I'm going to fucking Dr. Laura the shout of this. Like, if I do start dating. Yeah. My kids are not going to know this person. No. There's no stepdad. It's me with the kids. That's cool. Period. That's cool. I'm devoted until these kids are 18 and up and out. Yeah. I think that's cool. I'm devoting my life to my children. This is not about me fucking dudes right now. Right. This is about them. And I think that's disgusting by the way. Your mother is a disgusting whore. She couldn't fuck these dudes when you weren't around. She's a boomer. That's what they did. You and you are that generation. You got divorced and you got remarried within like six months. You were married again. That was like the divorce boom. You just got married again. That's true. We're different now. But back then, you're like dating right away. Dude, I just got out of North Korea. You think I want to fucking go back? Right. No way, man. So you probably have about two at least two months before you start. I don't do come on. Duncan, what am I going to do? Who am I going to date? Zach Efron? Yeah. And what? I'm going to have a relationship. I got no capacity. Okay, just stop. I'm too upset about this. I'm kind of fucking kill myself. I'm sorry. Okay, here we go. That's a beautiful picture. Oh, this chick's fucking crushes. Oh my god. That's incredible. She can do kick flips with her, you know, a little finger. I'm going to skateboarding right now. Videos. I really admire skateboarders. I would do a skateboarder. Hey, skateboarders. I look crazy. They're crazy. Love. He's married. He's been on the show. He's delightful. His wife is delightful. Yeah, no, not Tony, but yeah. Okay, you got to have to date a younger skateboarder because the older ones are broken. I love it. Their bodies are all broken up, though. It's okay, man. I'll take you. They have Peroni's disease. Hey, it's me, Brandon. I got a hundred dollars for anybody who can take me to the DMV on Thursday and let me take the driving test in a car. Yeah, registration has to be a shirt Thursday at one o'clock. Do you think that's the hippie's brother? No, we got two requests. Like, wait, how do we get a hold of this guy? He doesn't even give us a way to get a hold. He's just in the park in LA somewhere. Neged at you. Santa Monica. Hit me up. What is this like a new thing of like people you would never let in your house or bar or your car asking? This is like old genre. Dude, but this is what it was like before the internet, remember? Right. You'd be like, Hey, I got a drive to the airport. Like you're in college. Yeah. You're like, who needs a ride to the airport? Give me 10 bucks and gas money. Do you know? I mean, it's just the confidence, man, to do that. Oh, I know. And someone probably did it. Actually, he seems like a pretty cool guy. Well, 100 bucks is not a bad deal just to take him for his driving task. Yeah. Wait, but doesn't he need a car for the driving test? No, he said, let me use your car. Oh, fuck off. That's that's where you're earning that 100. No, I did. No, I did. I did. Here's me. It's like someone time traveled into the wrong place. Like he doesn't want to be there to look on his face. I think he does. This to me looks like heaven. Yeah, it to me too. It looks cool. Wait, do you think it's AI? I can't tell. I don't think so. Stella. Is that AI? I think it's real. I think it's real, dude. I'm in the cat, guys. I check out a cat guy. He has kind eyes. I like cat, cat, man. I'm into it. Toxia Plasmosis, man, no way. His brain is crawling to parasites just from being around that many cats. Oh, you thought this was a rabbit? They thought this was a rabbit? Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Funny bitch. It's fucking winning the fucking pool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck for the July. What the fuck made her so mad? Well, I like how she's like fuck Fourth of July. Like what does it have to do with the, the Winnie the Pooh? It's what you're real. She's like, okay, I mean, what this tells us is that she's been having problems with her lovies where people are doubting that they're Winnie the Pooh or she told somebody I have a rabbit. It looks like Winnie the Pooh. And then now she's proving it. But how do you get that mad? I mean, love it. She is fucking pissed. Can I tell you something though? I want to hang out with chicks like this right now. Hell yeah. Yeah. She's got the right attitude. Sure. All right. Here we go. Next one. There's me waxing my pussy and my asshole. Oh, my god. Oh, it's so violent. What the fuck, dude? What? Fuck. Stop it, dude. You're going to start to do this. Zoom in. Let's get closer. Dude, this is so, oh god. Fuck your mom, man. God. Stop. He's like, please just rip it off, dude. Oh, dude, dude. It's pulling his mustache off. Look. Your face? He's so patient, too. He's like, come on, man. Shave first. Dude. Why didn't he shave? Like, bro, dude. Winnie, do this to their assholes and their pussies. Yeah. On a regular basis, homie. You know what? I've read that guys, they go in to get their pubes waxed and they get jerked off. Did you know that? They get happy endings. So guys will go into the pub waxing place. Oh, not to wax their pubes, but just to get because someone will touch their balls and dick. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, because where else can you? Yeah. Yeah, it's the age of loneliness. What about lasering? Can I just laser my asshole and pussy? Neon is nodding. Tell me the intel on this. You can't and indeed get those things lasered. - And it's less painful than this I'm assuming. - I think so. - Yeah, this looks like a lot. - I've gotten both. I would prefer a laser. It's faster. - Is it more expensive? - Yes, a lot more expensive. - Do you go everything? Do you leave a little top hat? - Yeah, a little top hat's good. - No, but do you leave a top hat? - Mm-hmm. - Okay, okay. 'Cause I am worried that if I go full ham on it, and then the fashion's changed, and they'll be like, why do you look like a little girl? - Yeah. - It's creepy, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, no, we're not shaving our bushes anymore. - No. - Okay. - To support the American mission in Iran, we're growing our pubes. If you're here, no joke. And I can't say where I got this information. But if you don't have like a massive bush by the middle of October, - Oh. - You're not getting raptured. (laughs) - No joke. God's not gonna rapture you if you have a shaved bush. - You know that, right? Of course, I know that. - You're not going up. - But of course I know that. - That's why I'm sorry for-- - I'm sorry. - Stupid. - What do you find? - Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of your-- - What show is this? Come on. (laughs) - Oh, here you go. You gonna do this there in the kids? Fuck this, so hard. (laughs) - Horrible. - Dude, nothing looks worse than this. (laughs) - Made it. - I just got to say with the Grand Canyon floods and all the horrible things that are happening. I don't know if you show that video. It's really disrespectful. - Oh, is that right? - Can you pull up the video of the event that just happened in Nepal? - Oh. You didn't see this? - No, my life is not looking in. - Can we show a usual video of this? - Can you show the YouTube video? I'm not trying to get woke on your ears. - It just happened? - Look at this. - Oh, no. - Look at that. - Oh my God, dude. - Look at that. - But he's poor people. - Look at that. - Can you just think about it? Just think about it. You just finished right in your page six article. (laughs) You send your email and then boom, gone. - Ah, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. - Isn't that crazy? - Flash flood. - Damn, man, that goes your house. - Everything. No, it's biblical, it's apocalyptic, it's some crazy shit I've ever seen. Anyway, can we go back to that video that guy getting washed down by a flood? (laughs) - Do we have any idea where that swamp water slide? Is that America? No way. Is that the south somewhere? - Let me pull up the page. - It looks like it could be here. 'Cause there's is that a gator or a crocodile? I always get them mixed up, but. - I feel like that's a kind of video paramedics watch and you're just like f*cking idiot. You know how many bodies I've pulled out of those culverts? I mean, how much to get you to do that? - I would never do that. - Never. - Never in a million years. - No, no, I'd do that. - What is so horrible, just that you're dying and you're feeling so dumb as you're drowning. Like, what do you know I'm dying? I went into a pipe where I didn't know if I could get out of the other end and now I'm dying, weird. - Yeah. - Florida. - Of course, it's a Florida. - Damn dude. - Damn! - It's fun watching. All right, I'm done ripping darts. I'm done drinking and I gotta go home. - Well, I love you so much. - I love you too. - This is awesome. - Thanks for having me on. - Mystery boys is crushing. - Thank you. It's all Wyoming, you guys are the best. - No, you're the best. - Yeah, but you guys are editing it, promoting it. - Yeah, well we love you. So, okay, Mystery Boys, new episode every Thursday night, 8 p.m. central time on YMH Studios YT. - YouTube. - YouTube. - YouTube. - Yeah. We're about to end. - We need to cross Tyson. - That's amazing. - I'm gonna be in Dallas in four words. September 18th and 19th and then after that stand up, I'm not gonna be at that one. So, I'm gonna be in September 18th and 19th and Dallas in four words that Hyena's come see me. - Oh, I love Hyena's in Dallas. - Sorry, is that Dallas, you said? - Yeah, it's in Fort Worth. - I'm doing a residency here in Momston. I'm doing the mother ship the entire month. Let's see, which one's am I doing? Well, I'm doing, I think these are sold. Oh, cool, they're not up yet. Anyway, I'm doing mother ship like all of October and part of November. I just work and stuff out locally. ChristinaP.com by my lipstick. And that's it, dude, that's it. That was a good one. - I love you, thank you, bye. - Thanks, bye. - Fort, Fort, Fort. - Oh, come. (upbeat music) - I have to come all over my page. - I have to come all over my page. Should do this for sure. - It's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, it's just like, S-A-R-T-4. - It's just like, S-A-R-T-4. - Okay, that's not really not the same thing. - Fort, Fort, Fort, Fort, Fort, Fort. - Fort, Fort, Fort, Fort, Fort. (audience cheering) - Hey, dummy. - Hey, dummy, is this the show? (audience laughing)