Situationships, Standards & Self Respect

Alright guys is Mercury and retrograde or something whatever that means because in the span of one week I ended up having conversations with not one but two of my biggest situations at ships Guys I hadn't spoken to in months and of course it threw me right back into reflecting on my dating life Welcome back to voicememos and let me just say I actually already recorded this episode about dating last week But so much happened in just a couple days that I deleted the whole thing and I was like alright. Let's try this again For context I call these guys my exes technically I've only actually dated one man, but there are two people in my adult life who have had such a hold on me who Shaped me confused me who left a big imprint so for the sake of this Story I call them exes. They're the ones I always come back to when I talk about patterns lessons and the kinds of guys have let into my Space this episode isn't really about them. It's about the patterns they revealed in me the lessons I had to learn the hard way and how those old cycles are shaping the standards I hold now We're talking trauma bonds attachment styles hook-up culture healing through friendships and what it actually looks like to want real Partnership instead of chaos. So let's start with the one my therapist has nicknamed my kryptonite We had been on and off for years He was the kind of person where the chemistry was An apple we would fight we would banter read circle right back into those deep hours long conversations and Every time I told myself it was over he would pull me back in we would always gravitate towards each other no matter how long it had been or What happened he had this way of like Looking at me or saying something that just like kind of cut through the bullshit and it would feel like oh my god Maybe he does really see me and like that was the kind of intensity intensity that I guess kept me hooked But then there was the other side the lies the half truth the girlfriends I didn't know about him numbing himself with substances instead of facing reality him always choosing the escape route instead of choosing me and It created this crazy imbalance because while I was giving loyalty care and patience he was giving me chaos and That's the thing about trauma bonds they trick you into confusing familiar pain with connection the cycle is addictive The high of someone saying all the right things after the low of them betraying you The less than I had to learn the hard way was that words mean nothing if the actions don't back them up Someone telling you I'll always have feelings for you It means absolutely nothing if they're still choosing someone else and being good to someone who continually hurts you isn't loyalty itself betrayal He represents what dating in your 20s or 30s can look like when you're still figuring yourself out You chase intensity you think you can love someone at the changing you confuse passion for partnership and At the time I needed to go through that to learn everything I don't want For months after it ended I racked my brain trying to understand why like why he would treat me that way when I was nothing but good to him I carried so much anger at him at myself for Staying so long at the whole situation I even asked my therapist how I should act if I ever crossed paths with him again Like should I curse them out stand on business cause a scene and try to hurt him the way he hurt me And she would always tell me like you'll know in the moment just trust your gut And she was right because when I saw him again recently something shifted I just felt bad for him. I pityed him like no wonder why I couldn't wrap my head around why he would do what he did Because I would never think like that. I would never treat someone like that It's mind blowing get so unbranded we spoke for as long as we did it had to be more than an hour I was very level headed and straightforward for our entire interaction and The thing about this man is I've always found him very self-aware which is probably why we hit it off so well initially But he knows he distracts himself with substances He admits that I've always seen right through him. He knows he did me dirty He knows that he betrayed me that his actions never lined up with his words He's not unaware, but he's complacent He chooses the substances the avoidance the temporary chaos because it means he never has to sit in accountability It's like he's self-aware enough to say the right things like I'll always have feelings for you I know what I did was wrong. I think about it a lot, but he's too complacent to follow them up with real change and Honestly, it was heartbreaking because for years I saw a potential in him I wanted to believe he'd rise to it, but seeing him Recently, it's just it's clear he won't he's settled into the avoidance the chaos the partying lifestyle and the lack of accountability He would he could have so much more, but he'll never let himself have it So when I walked away this time it wasn't like with like the temptation. It was just validation like validation that he's still the same The same patterns the same avoidance and I did the right thing leaving I Know I've always shown up authentically in that connection even when it cost me and I can leave it knowing I kept my integrity While his biggest flaw has always been a lack of integrity There were so many chances he could have taken even the smallest amount like of accountability like a call a text and ounce of damage control, but he never did and that tells me everything I need to know Where I'm at now I don't want chemistry that burns me out I want compatibility that actually builds me up I want the people in my life to make me feel safe not anxious to show up for me in real ways not just with words and Lately I've been noticing all these parallels between how many my past have shown up for me versus how the guys in my life now do even just as friends There's one newer friend in particular. We've been in the same circle for a couple months, but recently we got really close almost overnight Honestly, he's fantastic genuinely such a cool person and what stands out the most is how emotionally intelligent he is Honestly, it also kind of scares me sometimes because he just clocks me like I'm not used to having a man around that with that kind of emotional depth and he'll call me out in real time and he's like I can see the gears turning in your head right now like what are we thinking? What are we doing? Do you really need to see your ex tonight? And I was like yeah, I think I do I need to do this for myself. I don't know how I'm gonna handle it yet But I'll figure it out once I get there And instead of just letting me go he and another friend that I was with were like okay, then you're not going alone We'll come with you and leave once they get there Meanwhile the guys I was meeting showed up a half hour late which is on brand and also only confirmed to my friends that this was all bad news How the night went as a whole and how I fell afterwards was confirmation to me that these new guys in my life are Healing my relationship with men like how I view them what I want out of relationships what I deserve and They are genuinely rewiring my nervous system which sounds crazy but like hear me out For so long my nervous system had me stuck in a loop with men. It wasn't just anxiety It was the constant push and pull I craves closeness, but I didn't trust it I wanted to be seen but I also felt the urge to shut down and that's what a fearful avoidant attachment feels like Which is what I have it's like longing and fear just firing at the same time I got used to waiting around second guessing myself wondering if I was enough or which version of them I was gonna get that day You know hours of deep conversation followed by betrayal apologies followed by silence flirty words with no follow through It was always chaos and that became my normal my body started to believe that love meant uncertainty Overgiving and having to prove myself like one day. Maybe they would choose me if I did enough But these new guys they're breaking that cycle they ask me real questions They show up when they say they will they protect me without expecting anything in return They can call me out gently because they actually see me and Slowly my nervous system is learning like this is what say feels like this is what consistent feels like This is what it looks like when someone truly shows up and the most healing part to me is that they're not doing it with the motive They're not trying to hook up with me or looking for what they can get in return They're just showing up because that's who they are and that's what's been Rewiring me the most like realizing care doesn't have to be transactional that Consistency isn't something I have to earn One friend like a pull to my house when I was having a rough week He asked if I wanted food another face time me the next morning just to check in after I saw my ex Like they've gone to bat for me over and over no questions asked and It's changing the standard for me because if my friends can show up like this then why would I ever Except less from someone I'm actually dating I've had such a warped perception of men for years because the guys I surround myself with weren't treating me with respect either So I just normalized it when it came time to seeing someone I was interested in The other ex who reached out last week did it with the bare minimum effort That is like what his name should be but Compared to the chaos of the first guy this one is Commer older and I did genuinely like him But the reality is he never brought anything to the table He'd bail on plans lacked fall through and eventually just kind of ghosted I wasn't gonna reach out, but of course like they always do he circled back with an apology saying he regretted how he acted and he wanted to see me again And all admit I was interested I entertained it partly because I had liked him partly because I was curious to see if Anything would be different this time. I think I also had always given him more grace than I should have because I knew he wasn't Where he wanted to be in life and I assumed he had a lot going on internally and maybe that's why he wasn't Showing up correctly all the time, but his ammo had always been the same like how little effort can he put in and still get what he wants lazy actually is the best way to describe him He could have given me anything to work with and I probably would have created some delusion in my head to justify giving him Another chance because I did want to see him again, but he never actually follows through he just talks He'll say things like I'll help you move into your apartment, I'll build everything for you. And then he'll bail, and when he finally resurfaces, it's never like, how can I make this up to you? It's, yeah, I messed up. I'm a work in progress. Like, are you progressing, dude? Are you? Because from where I'm standing, you're the exact same man I broke up with originally months ago. Even in our text, when I called out the cycle, like me bringing up the issue, him admitting I'm right, us reconnecting without actually anything being solved, and he literally was like, yep, that's essentially correct. Yes. Like, okay, so you're admitting you know you're not changing, and you're fine with that. Like, that's not self improvement. That's complacency once again. That's knowing your shortcomings and choosing not to fix them. He also admitted to having what I've called the, quote unquote, illusion of options on the podcast. That's why he said he's never been in a real relationship. He'd rather chase the idea of what could be out there rather than show up for what's right in front of him. And that actually sealed the deal for me. Like, I'm gonna give you guys some tough love here. We are never an option, ladies. We are the choice. If a man is keeping you in his rotation, if he's testing what sticks with the least effort possible, if he's dangling you in the in between because of his quote unquote, illusion of options, that is your answer. You don't need more time, you don't need another cycle to prove it. When someone is genuinely interested or invested in you, you're not gonna be confused. You won't be sitting there wondering where you stand or why they treat you differently from week to week. My therapist was like, he's just throwing stuff to the wall to see what sticks. Which is like, yeah, sums it up. Stop giving passes to men who are quote unquote self-aware, but don't do anything about it. Self-aware without action is manipulation. It keeps you hooked because they admit their flaws but they never actually changed them. And that's not growth, that's comfort. So don't play yourself. You are not an option for someone to circle back to when they're bored, lonely, or their other prospects didn't work out. You were the choice. And if he doesn't see that, that is not your person. And with this guy, it's just nothing ever changes. Time passes, be reconnect. It feels light and fun for a moment, but the same problems always crawl back from under the rug and I'm the one that's left addressing them. This time though, I blocked him. Conversation. I was just fed up. He hasn't changed. He won't changed. And honestly, he's just lazy. Like you think Karabaji is gonna be an option for you, whatever you want. No. Silly boy, joke is on you. Goodbye. And here's what drives me crazy about dating right now. Why am I always the one who has to initiate the hard conversations? Why am I always the one holding it together saying, like, hey, I didn't love this. Can we talk about this? Or like, I just don't want to be the bigger person all the time. And this is where I've been realizing something about myself because I've spent so much of my dating life in my masculine energy, always leading, guiding, fixing, carrying the weight. And if you have to guide a man, you will never have peace. I don't want that role in my relationships. In my career, in my goals, in my ambition, yes, I'm assertive, I'm decisive, I'm in boss mode, because that's how I get things done. And I like being that person in my work. But I don't want to come home and still feel like I have to manage everything in my relationship. I don't want to be the one dragging a man up to my level or carrying all the emotional labor. I want to be able to step out of boss mode in my personal life and rest in my feminine to feel soft, like supported, chosen. I want a partner who takes initiative so I can lean back, because when a man leads with clarity and consistency, that's when I can drop the armor and just be. That's what I've been missing with so many of the men I've dated, like chemistry without stability, words without fall through the work in progress, speeches without actual progress. And it's funny because two of my guy friends actually call me boss. And while it's like a joke, I think at least, like if a man I'm dating ever calls me boss, we're breaking up right then and there. I don't want to be the boss in love. Please know, I want to be the partner. I want to be able to soften to trust that the person I'm with will step up so I don't always have to. And honestly, with these new guy friends in my life, I've felt myself shift more into my feminine energy. They take care of things. They step up. They lead. And it allows me to just show up and be myself. I don't expect perfection. No one can be 100% all the time. But I do expect accountability, effort, and self-awareness. That's the kind of masculine energy I crave, like a man who can say, you're right, I didn't show up while there. Here's how I'll fix it. That's leadership. That's initiative. That's partnership. I'm very empathetic. I'm easygoing. I don't hold grudges often. Case in point, like even the man who did the most diabolical things to me, I actually feel bad for. I might not like someone, but I'll always treat people with respect. And if I need to, I'll just remove myself from the situation. If you're honest and genuine with me, if you tell me what's actually going on, I'm not going to like, re-mute out, just fucking learn how to communicate. Deep conversations are hot. Emotional intelligence is hot. And I've realized a lot of my past relationships with men started off way too intense with the chaotic chemistry. I played into that too, I won't lie, but maybe it's not supposed to be like that. Maybe it's supposed to be a slower burn where you take the time to actually get to know each other, build trust, create safety, and build a real partnership. If you've been listening to my podcast for a while, then you already know my thoughts on hookup culture, and if you are new here, let's just say I've never been into that vibe, which is ironic, because if you've ever seen me out at the bars, I am the biggest flirt. I love the banter, I love the game, I'm a menace, I'll admit it. But here's the difference, I don't let it escalate to sleeping together. Like I've said before, I'm like fake for the streets. For me, intimacy has to mean something. I've tried to play into hookup culture, I've tried to make it work for me, and it just never felt right. I don't wanna give my body, my space, or my energy to someone who doesn't value it. I don't wanna share that side of myself with someone who's going to withdraw after or use it as a power play or treat me differently once they've had access to me. That's not intimacy, that's transaction. And when I did try, the script was always the same. I'd let my guard down, share something meaningful, and then he'd withdraw, like cold distance. Like he needs to prove that he had the upper hand once he'd quote unquote gotten me. And I adapted to that by coaching myself beforehand, literally preparing myself for rejection. Like, Cara, this is meaningless, don't expect to hear from him after, don't expect consistency. Having to mentally prepare for being discarded after intimacy is not normal. That's not respect, and that's just, no. Like I finally got tired of living that way. So now I have non-negotiables. I'm not sleeping with someone unless we're exclusive. I'm not sleeping with someone if anyone else out there thinks they're dating him. And I'm not sleeping with someone unless I feel genuinely valued, period. That's not about control, that's about protecting my worth. I value myself too much to have all these different boys walk around these bars saying that they've slept with me. Fuck no. I don't want any two guys ever in the bar to have something in common where they can both say they've slept with me. I'm not here to be convenient or someone's bragging the group chat like I pulled her. Like yeah, I'll flirt, I'll banter, I'll play my little bar games, I'll do my thing. But when it comes down to who actually gets access to me completely different story, because I've learned the hard way that for me, casual intimacy just doesn't work. And I'm finally okay with that and not embarrassed by that. Now I'll be honest, I do have a new little crush. This is the first guy I've entertained, I guess, since moving. We have mutuals, we hit it off, and our energy is matching. Borderline love bombing, forward, flirty, you know, the vibes. He literally asked me to sleep with him. And I was like, I'm not doing that. And I'm gonna change some minor details here for privacy sake. But anyways, the night progresses, we do end up leaving and ubering together. And we get into like an actual conversation. And I'm like, I'm not sleeping with you after I watch you flirt with 10 different girls at the bar. He was like, yeah, well, I'm single. And I was like, yeah, that's fine. I don't care what you do. But once I sleep with you, I will care. And I'm not signing up for that yet. And to my surprise, he respected that. And I honestly kind of saw a different side of him that I was not expecting to while we talked more and was starting to get to know each other. Oh, and then he was like, you text me when you're actually ready to go out with the real man. And I was cracking up. He was like, no, you're the one that's not ready for me. You're on your like party boy era right now. Do your thing. It was a good line by him though. Like that was hot. It would have been hotter if I like actually believed him, but alas. Dating in your 20s and 30s, I think is figuring out what you want though and what you value and stand on it. It's fun to flirt. It's fun to crush. But until someone is serious, like I'm just not putting myself in situations that will compromise that, like my peace. I can stay detached if we're just talking. Like I don't care what a man is doing if I haven't given him access to me. But once intimacy is on the table, I expect clarity. I don't want to sleep with someone and then watch him take another girl home the next light. That is not going to work for me. And because I know that about myself, like I can own it. I'll bring it up. I mean, I don't bring that up from the get go. I only said it to that guy because that came up. But if things are moving towards intimacy or that direction with someone I'm seeing, that's when I'll say like, hey, I don't sleep with people casually, like I'm only seeing you. And then it's on him to be a grown man and tell me where his head is at if he says he still wants to see other people. Fine, at least I know and I can decide for myself if I want to continue. But lying misleading or telling me what I want to hear while another girl thinks she's dating you or you're entertaining a million other people. That's not just immature. It's selfish. It's disrespectful to say the least. And I refuse to be caught in that dynamic again. I have not been intimate with many people, but I can say I have never once felt secure or valued after any of my experiences. And that's why for me personally, I need to be even more guarded with that. And now for the burning question, I think I literally get asked multiple times a week by family, friends, anyone, and everyone. If you couldn't tell already from this episode, no, I am not talking anyone or entertaining anyone, or really interested in anyone right now. I mean, there's the occasional banter, if a man happens to hit me up, but I'm honestly just kind of sitting back. I've been in the hot seat, though lately, I will address that on here eventually, but let me just make a public service announcement right now. If I am hooking up with a man, or I'm interested in a man, I'm sure as hell I'm not gonna be posting him up on my story, I will tell you that. I move in silence. I'm not really one to kiss and tell, so if I'm posting guys, news flash, they might literally just be my friend. Like, imagine that. Anyways, though, the truth is my old patterns came from my fearful, avoidant attachment. That push and pull, that craving closeness, but not trusting it, wanting to be seen, but shutting down, that used to run the show for me and dating, and every time I'd end up with a man who reinforced that cycle inconsistent, unreliable, emotionally and available, my nervous system learned that love equals chaos. I know I've said that word so many times this episode, but right now I'm doing something different. I'm not rushing to feel space with another situation ship. I'm not confusing chemistry for compatibility. I'm giving myself time to heal, to rewire, to actually figure out what safe love looks like. I'm leaning into friendships that feel consistent, emotionally intelligent and grounding, because that's teaching me what I actually deserve in a relationship. My approach to dating right now is really simple, if it doesn't feel safe, consistent and intentional. I don't want it. I don't need another cycle. I don't need to teach another man how to treat me, and I sure as hell don't need to keep betraying myself just to feel it chosen. I hope this episode didn't come across, like I hate men, they're the worst, because no, I love men, I think they're fantastic. I would love to be in love with one. I want to prioritize someone to pour into someone and grow with someone, but until you give me a reason to do so I'm picking myself every time. I've built such a beautiful life for myself outside of dating that I have the security and confidence in knowing I'm going to be good regardless. Like men are not the center of my life. I have so many other things filling my cup. I feel like everyone keeps asking me who I'm talking to or who I'm hooking up with here, and I'm literally no one. Just the other week I was out and I was thinking to myself, like damn, I don't even have someone to drunk a text. The phone is that dry. And we're at the age now where it's not cute to be reckless with people's feelings. You need to be self-aware. You need to start asking yourself the hard questions. Why am I the way I am? Where do these insecurities or limiting beliefs come from? How am I projecting my wounds onto other people? That goes for everyone, men and women. At some point, you have to stop bleeding all over everyone else and start actually dealing with your shit. Something my therapist told me about a year ago really stuck with me. I was talking to her about dating, and she goes, "Car, you're very advanced with communication. You study it, you practice it, you're in therapy, you literally have a podcast about this stuff. Not everyone is going to meet you there in that narrowed your field, and that doesn't mean to settle, but it does mean to be, oh, mean, I have to be aware that not everyone is going to know how to match me when it comes to emotional depth and communication. I think that's why I've always gravitated towards older men, not for the age itself, but because I'm looking for someone who can actually meet me there, who has lived enough, reflected enough, healed enough that there's a depth to them, someone who can have those real conversations and hold that space with me, because at this point, surface level just doesn't cut it anymore. Like, I'm so tired of lust. I want someone who actually wants to get to know me and likes me for my energy and my personality, and not just like my body and wants to sleep with me. And I mean, Case in Point, my 24-hour boyfriend from Janks was all about it when I was being a crazy ask girl all over him, only to sit down with me and have a conversation. It was like, oh shit, this isn't just some girl to have fun with. This is someone who's self-aware, who asks real questions, who's going to call me out if I'm not showing up. And that's when I think the energy shifted, because not everyone is ready for that level of depth, and that's okay, but I just, I'm so tired of the surface level bullshit. Like, is it validating for a guy to call me hot? Yeah, sure, initially, but I don't need that. I want to connect with someone. And that's why I realize I can't waste my time with men who only want the fun, surface level, flirty version of me. That's easy to get. Anyone can have chemistry with me for a night, but not everyone can meet me in conversation or hold space for my emotions, or keep showing up when things aren't fun or convenient. That's what I want now, not the short term thrill of being wanted in a moment or, you know, complemented, but the long term security of being chosen consistently. And if a man can't handle, you know, both sides of me, the wild, fun, playful cara, and the grounded, emotional, and self-aware cara, then he doesn't get access to me at all. So what's the point of all this? Why sit here on the pack of these messy X's, these cycles, these little bar stories and new friendships? It's because it's about me learning my patterns, breaking them, and raising my standards. And honestly, it's about all of us trying to navigate dating in our 20s and 30s without losing ourselves in the process. The biggest lesson I keep coming back to, again, is this. Like, chemistry isn't enough. Intensity isn't enough. Words aren't enough. None of it matters if the actions don't align. If you're sitting there confused, waiting for clarity, constantly trying to earn the love or attention, that is your answer. When someone is truly invested in you, you're not going to be confused. And let me say it again for the people in the back. Ladies, we are never an option. We are the choice. If someone treats you like an option, if they're breadcrumbing you with apologies, and bare minimum effort, if they're keeping you in rotation while they chase their illusion of options, that's not someone you need to hold space for. That's someone you need to block mid-conversation, laugh, and move on from. Another big takeaway is stop romanticizing self-awareness without action. A man admitting his flaws, but doing nothing to change them is not growth. It's complacency, it's manipulation. Do not waste years waiting for someone who tells you all the right things, but never backs it up. Please, like, I'm begging you from my own experiences. For me, this whole season of life has been about breaking the old patterns and healing that fearful, avoidant part of me that's confusing like a roller coaster as passion and connection. It's rewiring my nervous system, so I stop craving the push and pull and start expecting peace. Like, I'm so done with hot and cold cycles because safe love, consistent love, and real love, it's not gonna feel like anxiety, it's gonna feel like release, relief. And the friendships I have now are teaching me that. They've raised the bar for how I expect to be treated. If my friends can show up for me, protect me and support me with no ulterior motives, then why on earth would I ever accept less from someone I'm dating? So if you are listening to this right now and you are in a cycle, confused, waiting, hoping someone will change, then let this be your sign, your peace matters, more than your what ifs. Stop portraying yourself in the name of potential, walk away with your integrity intact, and trust that the right person will not make you question your worth. At the end of the day, I know who I am, I know what I bring to the table, and I know I'm not here to settle for half-ass effort, empty promises, and service level connections in the name of chemistry. I want partnership, I want depth, I want someone who can meet me where I am and challenge me and grow with me, and until that shows up, I am doing just fine on my own. But I love and appreciate you all. Thank you for listening to Voice Memos, and I will talk to you in the next episode.