Sisters-In-Law Play Agree to Disagree *Pregnancy & Postpartum Edition*

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Welcome back to the unplanned podcast. This episode is a little different. We are having the sister-in-law takeover every single day. I have my sister-in-laws with me. I have Abby and Abby. You guys can choose yourselves. Hi. I'm Abby and I'm Abby. Okay. Wow. That was so simple. Amazing. Abby is married to Matt's brother. Mm-hmm. Caleb. Caleb. And Abby is married to my brother that you guys have probably never seen. But his name is like. Mysterious. Mysterious. Mysterious. We are going to have a really fun episode planned. But the last time we did this, we had this a couple of times, but we had a very positive response. Yeah. So much so that we started our own podcast. Yeah. Wow. We film always here every week. It goes live Friday mornings and we just, I truly look forward to recording always here and unplanned for you guys, of course. But I'm always here as very special having it be like an All Girls podcast and like the community there feels so, just, it feels so genuine and deep and really special. A lot of moms, a lot of newlyweds and just girl talk and it's really fun. And so if you haven't tuned into Always Here, definitely hop over after this episode because if you like this episode, you'll probably like always here. Always here is just a fun, cozy, girly part of the internet. We have lots of fun segments that are recurring every single week. We even take voicemails from you guys, our listeners, which is really special and a great way to connect with you guys. We also have an element where we share a recipe every week. We share the hope and the hard, with heart and humor, just basically like the highs and lows of life and. Wow, that's crazy. We have a wow, that's crazy element where we talk about something maybe more specific relevant to pop culture or what's going on at the times and it's just a very. Can I give you a wow, that's totally. Yeah. that you might not know about? I know you know what I mentioned it in the podcast. Do you know what the show called Age of Attraction is? No. What do you like the most? Is it age? Let me guess. Age gap dating. Yes. Yes. They don't know how old they are when they're dating. Okay. It's kind of like love is blind, you know, like they date in the pods or whatever. This isn't in pods. They just don't know and then they reveal their age. Yeah. The ones they've decided who they're going to be with. Okay, that's really interesting. I actually. I watched the first episode I kind of liked it. Okay, I don't watch it yet. I've just seen the clips on the internet. It's from 22 to 60. Is the girl? Yeah. I mean, they have people of all ages in between there. So they can't necessarily call a guy creepy if he likes a young girl because he doesn't even know that she's young. He's just falling in love with him. Yeah, exactly. A lot of the younger ones don't realize how old the older ones is. When I was 22, I had no precipice for how old people were. Like I had no. I was not on the pulse at all. I'm like, they could be 25 or 45. One of the same to me. One of the age gaps relationships, it's an older woman with a younger guy. That's why I was going to say would never work. And she really has children that are two years older than him. That's a way to ruin your relationship. Well, she was freaked out about it. Yeah. Yeah, she was freaked out about it. I don't know how they resolved that. If they're still together. Like, the last couple episodes come out this week or something like that. And so then we'll know how everything ended. Yeah. I'm excited to watch it. I think I'm going to watch it. I think you guys are going to have to keep me updated on that one. So that's a little while. That's crazy. That is crazy. What a great example. A little taste. A little taste. What this is. And we would surely be honored if you hop over. And if you're here from always here, what's up? Thanks for being here. Yeah. This should be a really fun episode. We are playing just a big game of agree to disagree, sister-in-law addition, of course. We just announced that we're expecting baby number four. Yeah. So a lot of these are going to have to do with pregnancy and motherhood. And they're both moms as well, one baby, two babies. And we're all kind of been like somewhat different stages. And so it's interesting to see how our opinions have formed and changed over the years. I know. About this before, I know I've been a hypocrite in so many ways. Most of them are related to parenthood. Like nothing has revealed my own hypocrisy more than motherhood. No, literally. I'm like, oh, I'm actually a horrible person. But thanks for putting that out to me, son. You're like, oh, I didn't say this. I am doing the complete opposite. Exactly. So, um, do as I say, not as I do, I know what I'm trying to do as I, as I say to. Yeah. I'm like parenting myself. I feel like. So many times. I'm like, you know what, adults have, everyone has consequences. Everyone has consequences. I actually need consequences. I like so many different consequences. I'm so good. I'm actually very excited for this game. I've never played a greeted disagree. Oh, you haven't. No. I feel like I'm, I feel like, uh, Adam, you put in. I feel like your opinions might surprise me. I feel like the most. Really? Yeah. Sometimes I don't know where you're going to swing. Me neither, honestly. I have no idea. Honestly. I feel like I don't give my opinion often. So this would be interesting to me. I, I feel like Adam is very predictable in certain ways. Good. I hope you like that. You're steady. You're steady in a different way. Thank you. Did you try to come back to that? You're crazy. You're not crazy. But I just, and I feel like whenever you give your explanation, it makes so much more sense to me. Sometimes your knee jerk surprises me. Sure. I think that's why it's fun being friends with you. Okay. And I love you. You're the perfect person. Well, I need to stay free, guys. I'm just steady. I'm predictable. We need both. We need both. All right. Okay. I honestly can't predict myself. If I'm totally honest, I don't know what I'm going to say. Okay. The first one is, if men had to give birth, humanity would end. We want to. We want to. Two, three. Disagree. I agree. They would figure that out. I think they'd have less children for sure, because they're like, that's a matter so practical. You know, I think they could be like, let's grin and bear it once, but then once they go through it, I don't think they'd be crazy enough to do it again, whereas like women are crazy enough. Right. I think we'd have like one kid. That she was the type of children has one kid, it's going to die out soon. Okay. Because they don't have the hormones to make you want to do it again. Right. We literally have all these hormones that are like, keep reproducing. But don't you think it was wonderful? Don't you think they would have those hormones if they're the ones giving birth? I can't think about that. This is a really deep hole. Then you're also just saying they're basically women. Yeah. I know. That's why I'm thinking. So they're not different. Because that's the way they are. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Maybe it would die slower than it would. I guess it would eventually end just slowly. Slowly. It's slowly. Humanity wouldn't. And this is factually. Kale just looked it up and he said, to replace your population, you have to average 2.1 kids. Our population's already going down. Right. So you have to have a least 2.1. I don't think men would have more than one. Men wouldn't end at one. Yeah. So I guess they would eventually. Maximum. Sorry, man. And do you think they would really be willing to sacrifice their careers? No. Not just, I don't know. No. No, probably. It's OK. It's OK. We can just say this is why it's amazing and unique that we are women. And we are strong. Yeah. I just think about this. I'm like, we were primed in condition to deal with pregnancy because I was trying to explain to Matt. I was like, women are tougher than men physically. Right. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I said, no, hear me out. Sorry. We have learned from the age of like, whenever you got your first period, as early as 10, 11, that you still keep going, even when you're uncomfortable. You're primed in condition, ready for pregnancy. And they don't have that in place. So they get the common cold, and it's like, you're down bad. How can we continue on? We have to change everything. Yeah. Yeah, women are more resilient than this. I remember being on the bathroom floor when I got my period one time with cramping. And I was like, how am I ever going to have a baby? I was in so much time. You had about 20 years of practice. And here I am. Yes. Did it? Yeah, all the practice, they would not be primed in condition to handle. That's true, Abby. Okay. The next one. Please come on. Disagree. That is insanity. What? What? Pregnancy brain is agree. I'm so sorry. Pregnancy brain did not get me postpartum brain. Got me like a, got me like that. We should say our answers also because they can't, if they're not watching, they can't see. Okay. Okay. You guys say disagree. No, no. Sorry. Pregnancy, see you have it right now. No, it's, I'm going to disagree with that. I don't know. I'm just saying agree in the sense that I haven't had pregnancy brain. Have I? See, I'm so dumb. I believe other people's experiences, but for me, I'm like, I can't speak to that. I'm just coming out of, I think the people say pregnancy brain, they talk about imposed part of them too. Okay. So I'm 100% agreeing that pregnancy brain is a thing. Do you have pregnancy brain when you're no longer pregnant? I have pregnancy brain. three weeks ago. - I think it was part of brain for sure. I'm trying to think about pregnancy brain. I feel like pregnancy brain. My brain was so overwhelmed with so much like thinking about what's gonna happen and my body changing and all the things that there was just too much in my brain. And that's why it was frazzled to like switch from like only thinking about work stuff and not thinking about me being pregnant or just doing things and then thinking about how I'm pregnant. I feel like that's, my brain was just occupied. I have a lot of thoughts. - I feel like I was pregnant. - I didn't have it when I was pregnant as much. I feel like it's just, it is the postpartum. That's why I just thought it was part of brain. - I think it is, I don't know about just things. - I think you need to rebranding to postpartum brain. - Yeah, that's a fog, a mental fog. 'Cause honestly all I could think about when I was nursing was nursing. That was really overwhelming for me every time. 'Cause I was like always on a time clock. - Yeah, I don't know. I believe other people's experiences, but it hasn't been for me. I've never been the sharpest tool in the shed though. So, you just stopped putting yourself in. - Hey, you guys, I have not a memory. You guys, you tell me what a memory is bad, but I know you're screwed. - You're gonna tell me about things that I've experienced. I'm like, respectfully, when was this? - I feel like you remember a lot of things from when you were younger. - I feel like that's Blake. I feel like my memories are formed by Blake when you're telling me my memories. - That actually is probably true. - Okay, next. I have cried over food at least one small pregnant. - Crying over food? - Yeah, agree. - Yeah, absolutely, yeah, for sure. Nothing will bring out emotions before they, nothing will bring me to my knees, more. - Just kidding. - I never do it in my life. - I never do it in my life, so I was pregnant. - And I dored ash when I was pregnant. That was, Blake was out somewhere. I got Chipotle at 10 p.m. I was in bed going to sleep. - And I would dored ash Chipotle at 10 p.m. - Yeah, and then I woke up and ate it. And I went back back. - Oh, Eddie, you had a bed in that first time. - Oh, yeah. - I just cried when I, like, I was expecting to eat something and then I found it was gone. That would make me cry and I felt like it was a personal attack. - That did pay for you cry as well. - I was like, you knew I wanted that. - Did it happen a couple weeks ago? - I cried. - I cried two weeks ago? - I cried when Caleb texted him. I said, "Oh, get some ice cream on the way home." And he said, "What do you want?" I said, "Don't get anything stupid." And then he came in the door with the stupidest ice cream that he would wear. - What was it? - Chocolate, I don't like chocolate ice cream. And he knows that. And it was like chocolate peanut butter extreme. - Did you just send them back out there? - I looked at him, I started crying and he walked out the door left and got the cookie down. I was like, that was just dumb. - Yeah, I like chocolate. - He's like, "You didn't tell me what you wanted." I said, "I shouldn't have to know." He would know each other for 12 years. - And you know, I don't like chocolate ice cream. That felt personal. I cried. - That felt personal. - I can't think of a specific one, but it definitely doesn't matter. - Like actually so many times for me. And it's like as it's happening, I'm like, this is an overreaction, but I can't quite, I can't quite reverse what's been done. - I think I would cry when I was like, "I need something to eat, I don't have anything." Like in the car, and I'm like, - The fear. - Yeah, the fear of getting the sickness because you haven't eaten. - That was scary. - That was throwing me. - That would be scary. - I would cry because I wanted to eat something healthy because I felt like the baby needed it and I hadn't. It was like, "The baby has had none nutrients." That would make me cry as well. - Oh, that's sweet Abby. I don't think I worried that much about that. I was like, "Well, I felt like you had a better diet than I had in the first trimester." - Yeah, I just ate everything. - No, I just ate literally bread. - I had ramen noodles. - And crackers. - The whole time. - But really, 10 a.m. ramen noodles every day. - You just gotta do what you gotta do. - I'm really happy to have you here. - Support for today's episode comes from Square, the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. - Whether you're gearing up for a busy season or just trying to keep up with everyday demand, Square keeps your business running smoothly from payments in POS to online orders, inventory, staff, and more. All in one place, so you can focus on your customers, not your to-do list. We were looking at Christmas slides and we did not have any cash on us to buy hot chocolate from this kid. And then this guy was like, oh no, it's all good. I actually have Square and you can just pay with your credit card. We were just so shocked because Square's taking over you guys. Everyone who is having some sort of storefront can use Square because people don't have cash these days. I never have cash on me. - And as a consumer, I just love supporting local businesses and even neighborhood businesses. And that's what Square makes possible, which is awesome. Square helps you run your business more smoothly, bringing payments, operations, and insights together in one place. So you're ready for whatever's next. Right now listeners can get up to $200 off Square Hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/unplan. That's squ-ar-e.com/go/unplan. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. - This one's crazy. - Babies know when you're about to get freaky. (laughing) - Are we, are we talking about this? - It disagrees, baby. - My babies take naps. - So, how do we, we're thinking about babies once they've been born? - Oh, yeah, yeah, once they've been born. (laughing) - Agree. - You think your babies cry every time it's time to get it on? - Or they wake up randomly early. - No, we're not. - Also, my baby's in our castle. We work together so we can do odd hours. - Yeah, yeah. - So, yeah, that baby's in a church wing. (laughing) - No, my baby sleeps through the night. - Yeah. - It never wakes up, so it's never a problem. - Yeah, well, that's, sorry, ladies. - So, don't have that problem. - Sorry, disagree there. - I actually do, there's gotta be something to this with the timing. I really feel that way. - The first trimester is the hardest part of pregnancy. - Disagree. - Agreed. - You disagree with your hardest part, Abby? - I think no matter what the last few weeks are just crazy. Just trying to get out of bed, getting out of chairs. That's worse than nausea. - Because the nausea's a long-term game, where it's difficult in the sense that it's bad, and it lasts a long time. But the acute pain of the last few weeks is like, that's worse in my opinion, I don't know. Just like trying to, and I feel like I've had both fairly good. My first trimester wasn't that bad. My third trimester hasn't been that bad either, but if I had to rank them. - Just remember flipping in bed. - Oh my God. - Flipping in bed is the worst. - Flipping out of bed is off the couch. - I'd be curious to see how my second pregnancy will go, because I'm thinking back to my first trimester and how bad it was because of the morning sickness, and not knowing it was gonna get better. Like everyone says it's gonna get better, but when you're in it, it was just like so, so bad. And so then I was like, it's never gonna get better. So I'm curious. - You should get a prescription next time. - Maybe I should do that. - So for in. - I will look into that one, 'cause that would be fantastic. But my third trimester, yeah, I don't remember it being that bad. I think it was so excited and it didn't matter. - But yeah. - Your belly also did not get that big. - Yeah, I didn't get that bad big. - You were so peppy in your third trimester. - I was so jealous. I was like, oh my gosh, I look so good. - Oh, you're so sweet. - Croshing it and I just felt, I was in so much pain. - Yeah, I feel like my second pregnancy felt worse though in the third trimester. - I think mine's gonna be really bad just with my pelvic floor, and my tailbone still hurts seven months first part of 'em, so I can't imagine it's gonna hurt when I get pregnant. - Yeah, I would say my third trimester was way worse in my first. But I don't really get nauseous in the first. I just get really tired, which is more frustrating than anything. - The pain, yeah, in the third is just. - In the first trimester, I was sleeping over 10 hours a night. - Yeah. - Guys, I slept for 8.30 p.m. 'til 7 a.m. last night. - Whoa. - Are you praying that? - Nope. - I think I'm mobulating right now though. - You know what I'm saying? - Hello. - I am mobulating, but no, no, no. - Okay. - Good to know. (laughing) - This one says, "Working out during pregnancy makes things easier." - Three, two, one, agree. - I agree. - I mean, yeah, neutral on that one. - It's easy for me. - It makes me agree because it's not easy to work out like you're pregnant. - No. - It actually hurts. It also hurts, but it hurts worse to now workout. - That's why we're saying it's easier. - Right. I don't think it's easier. It's a good word. - Oh. - I just think it's less evil than not. - I felt like my energy levels were much better and my motivation and my. I physically felt much better working out. - Me too. - Yeah. - Yes. - Next one. "Pregnancy is harder mentally than physically." Oh, I'm saying, "Augree." - I'm saying disagree. "Pregnancy is harder mentally than physically." I think agree for my first one. - What? - I think I really struggled with anxiety when I was pregnant, which is not something I normally had struggled with, and then just thinking about everything because I'd never done it before. I think for my second one, I feel. I'm imagining that I'll feel harder on my body physically than mentally, but just with the first pregnancy, I was like, "I have no idea what's happening right now." And so I feel like mentally it was harder. - You will agree is mentally harder? - Oh, that was a no-brainer for me. - "Pregnancy after losses" mentally like the most insane thing ever. We're done sure yeah, absolutely a lot of layers there. Yeah, it's like you actually know the worst case scenario You can picture it you actually just lived it so no one can tell you that's not gonna happen You're like, oh, but it can and it did so there's just no There sounds so negative, but there's no relief so Sorry, I think it's realistic here. That's good I have a quite a follow-up question to that. Yeah, that this pregnancy goes healthy. You have a healthy baby Does that make any consecutive pregnancy easier? I don't know I don't know yeah across that bridge when I get to it. Yeah, I can't imagine it gets much easier I imagine it'd be a little easier. Okay, but I can't imagine it's back. It'll never be back to Yeah, absolutely. So yeah Yeah, it's just you know you've seen too much sure and and when you've been blindsided I think the nature of being blindsided to like you think everything's fine You've had nothing physically changed nothing wrong like that blindsided Kind of just creates never like there's never really any piece of like oh everything's good Whereas like I kind of just felt anxious, but with overall peaceful my other pregnancies like this one It's just like a low-lying anxiety constantly. Mm-hmm. So and I think even at the doctors I feel even less peace because I'm like it's associated with a building like this So yeah, I can see why people would choose to never do it again No one prepares you for how hard postpartum is No one prepares you to agree For how hard postpartum is I say agree. I think disagree. No Bad at this game No one prepares you. I only say disagree because I think I think your first time sure But I feel like we've had so many friends that have had babies now that it's like hey Let's prepare each other for how hard this is gonna be like let's do the meal trains Let's oh, I was also the first to have babies. So I think it is a different experience if you're like the first to have a baby versus like Your in-community going through it with people. I do think Your first baby versus consecutive babies is harder like it's harder your first baby because you don't know how your body is gonna Respond and so you don't know if you're gonna get postpartum anxiety or depression Whereas once you've gone through stuff you can kind of prepare for the next Time going through it. I guess so I guess with the first time I would agree it's hard to prepare But after that I think well, that's really the only time because then you've lived through it and yeah You know then no, it's no one else's job to prepare you. You know it's agree. Yeah, it's it's just something that you can't you can't know until you're going through it Mm-hmm, and no one actually like I was the first to have kids of like all of my friends I knew at the time and I feel like I all I knew was like I don't even know if it was like I guess maybe social media Mm-hmm and I was kind of just like I will have the baby and it'll be great and amazing and you don't think about all the layers Of like I also think the lifestyle we had before like I had no I had the expectation that none of that was gonna change sure Which was a very false expectation, right? Yeah, I just agree I feel like I'm maybe it's because of the community I had around me when I got pregnant the first time Which is mostly moms and so I feel like everyone prepared me and I felt like I had people to go to whenever anything was going on. I really Felt supported and like I knew it was gonna happen like someone bought me a postpartum care kit I was like I don't know what these heating pads are for and what these things are for but and then I was like ah I need them You know and I just I felt like I had a community around me that I could talk to about it and be like is this normal? Is this weird? What's going on? And that's why I say disagree because I think I did have the support system around it. I had to find that community way post like for yeah, I think it'd be a different ballgame now for sure Yeah, but I was really knocked on my butt there. My I really needed my mom. Yeah, it's like what's going all? Yeah, I have another friend group that is all there's only two of us that are moms and the rest are either Pregnant or like want to be pregnant soon And so it's really fun being on the other side of it and trying to support them during this time of Coming mom soon. Yeah, sharing the knowledge. Yes. Yes. I remember like when I wasn't even near talking about having babies and my friends That had babies they would talk about their births and I'm like what happened? Yeah, tell me everything. You know, it's like you're just so Everything is so new when your friends start going to that season of life and it was so fun hearing all that from them Yeah, so that's fun. You get to do that for them. It's really I should also say that shortly after having my first I did need like a kind of major abdominal surgery and we didn't have family out here yet. We were all here by ourselves You guys are freaking gone through it dude. You're like, okay Crazy birds would griffin abdominal surgery, hernias and then surprise pregnancy with augy pretty closely soon after that loss loss and now here we are for the public rest I'm like, no one prepared me. Yeah, that's fair. Absolutely fair. Have you have you've been walking to be a kid in front? Yeah, it's really about our whole life. No, no, no, no, no, I do think that Whatever happens during like birth and like that severely alters your postpartum experience Because when you when moms down for the count Yeah, I needed a surgery after having our first and so and that one really the recovery was harder than birth for me And so it was like we had just then cannot handle this right now with a newborn. That's a lot. It was a lot at the time You know moms find a way they do Oh, and shenan maldenado, käsintehtja artesaanituotteita myven jaui lahia kaupan perusta ja valitsin shopifyin koska alustoja testatessani totesin sen ehdotomasti yhdeksi help pokäyttöisimmistä alustoista minulo oli tärkeä pohtia kehittymistä me tulevaisuudessa kaikki myyntiin tarvittava työkalut kuten varaston suunnittelu ovat kätivasti dashboardissa aloita ilmainen kokeilu shopify piste komsi vustolla Thank you to Upwork for sponsoring this portion of today's episode the fastest growing businesses aren't doing more They're delegating smarter Upwork helps you bring in expert freelancer help fast so you can delegate and keep moving Upwork is a one-stop platform to find higher and pay expert freelancers across every specialty You can browse profiles review past work and get help scoping the role so you can hire with confidence and get started quick and with Business plus you can access the top 1% of talent on Upwork and with AI powered shortlisting you'll get matched to the right freelancer in under six hours No endless searching required honestly guys I've used Upwork before to help us find editors to help edit YouTube videos tick tocks thumbnails You name it. I love how seamless the interfaces to find people that you're looking for if you have like a certain strict budget You can sort by that you can sort by area and region so I just love how simple they make it for business owners Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with your top talent ready to help your business grow That's you P W O R K dot com upwork dot com Screen time is necessary for surviving the third trimester. I Don't get an answer I'm gonna say disagree agree In general, I I use screen time so I can't say that disagree like I've never done it without So I would be so hypocritical to be a say disagree. Yeah, I'm gonna say disagree I mean we we let them watch TV and movies on the weekends and so like we just kind of stuck to the Our like house rules with that. I didn't feel like even though my body was super sore in the third trimester I wasn't I didn't have the energy decrease in the first trimester My energy was so low there was definitely like a lot more screen time in the house So I would say in the first trimester. Yes, but in the third trimester. I would disagree. I would show that too I'm sure that's how it would be for me. I'd be like now. You're missing words though, because you what all the other portion other Third of pregnancy. Yes, it meant it and only said the third I'm just sick of the question I'm just saying I didn't use screen time when I was pregnant when the third trimester because my son was literally an infant When I was in the third trimester So I guess I can say disagree But I will say like my kids get screen time They don't get it every day and that we don't have like a routine for it, but like I'm not gonna sit here and be like Never use it. Don't do it. So I don't know Some days you just got to do what you ought to do and that could happen not just in the third trimester I can happen literally any time and you also don't have to be pregnant You can just be sick and or Wednesday Yeah, if you're sick like it's just like sometimes and I'm just gonna say in motherhood Sometimes I'm just saying screen time is necessary for sure. I would agree It's in everyone's best interest You should find out the gender as soon as possible Agree or disagree. I want to say disagree even though I do things differently now Post-loss. I don't think I think it's such a personal decision You should find out or you shouldn't find out. Yeah, I was gonna say disagree to you as in how the question is raised You should I don't think you have to do it either way. Yeah, I would like to find out the gender as soon as possible in my pregnancies Yeah, I would say disagree We we waited both times with our babies, but again, like that. I think the wording should is a little aggressive You just got to do what you want to do if it feels bad It's so not serious, but until Tell me being such a drag until it is serious is what I felt like like it's like oh, it's so fun to find out and Then like that was something that I did definitely in a pregnancy afterloss is like I was I wanted to know everything about this baby for as long as I got to enjoy this life and so Like we for a little context we found out that our daughter was a girl the same day that we found out that she wasn't alive anymore And I was like I never want that news to be paired that way ever again. So that's where I changed my mind where now I feel like some people view it as like, and in like a irresistible like impatience or like and it's like that's actually not necessarily what it is, it's actually like something that is, it's more meaningful in this context for us personally. But it is such a personal decision and so not serious. And the gender of your kid is not serious, but it's just as much as you can know about them when you can't see them or talk to them, you know? And so it does carry like a different type of weight now for us personally, but I think that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, it's like you want to have, you want to mentally prepare. - It's not from a lack of self control is what I'm saying, I feel like that's kind of saying that. Well, we have people like, oh my gosh, you just can't wait, can you? I'm like, I guess I could if I really needed to. Like if I really needed to, I could wait. - Yeah, I feel the same way, especially because I, we did a blood test to find out the gender of Braille and I just wanted something else to feel a little more connected. And that was what we wanted to do. I don't think it was a, that we couldn't wait. I mean, I really wanted to find out, so maybe I couldn't. But it was more so that I wanted to feel connected. I wanted to give her a name. I wanted to start talking to her, not that you can't do that without knowing the gender, because you obviously did the same. But I just wanted to feel a little more connected. - It helps with other littles in the house too, I think. Like with having a name and like the talking about it, like it feels more like they really realistic. Like they knew Braille before she came. Like they, like they were talking about her before she was even born. So I think there's like a certain sweetness to that too. - This is Braille, like when she was born, it's cool. So you need to transition. - And even now our friends kids talk about our baby, because they know the name and they like ask about the baby. And I'm like, oh my gosh, how do they even remember and put two and two together? It's always the little girls. They like, they know, they're so already like, into a pregnancy and like babies and stuff. - That may be laugh when we were on a flagstaff. And I, all of you said, where's Braille? And I said, she's taking an app, you go, in your belly? - I said, no, no, no. - She just went back in the rest. - I said, but your Bobby has a baby in her belly. And he was like, yeah, and then he said the name. - And then that's how we found out the gender. - The gender of your baby. - Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. (laughing) - I was so great. - I didn't know that. - They were taking time bomb. - They said they would be-- - It didn't tell. - And I was like, what are you saying? - He kept saying it. I was like, what? - Oh. - So he had a sweet dream about him. - Yeah, I was like, oh my gosh. - Are you saying this? Are you saying this? - That's the thing. The way he pronounces the name is very misleading. - Oh my gosh, it's hilarious. I didn't know that story. - Yeah, it's great. - But talk about your experience waiting till birth. - I thought it was really, I mean, I loved it. I thought it was fun. It was fun having CJ kind of guess. I mean, he pegged and he said, grow the whole time. - That's a baby sister. - I feel like for him with the age he was at, the third trimester, he didn't really get the pregnancy until a third trimester anyway. Like, because I belly, you know, once it gets really big and he had a lot of fun with that at the end. But it just suits our personality. So my personality cannot necessarily kill his personality. Like he's like, he would enjoy finding out sooner. But I think the way that I process things too, it's so fun finding out at the moment that the baby is, or maybe it's been boring to find out. I feel like it helps give me just such motivation. And I don't know, it's just like this, the climax to this story. Like it's such a fun, cool surprise. And this, this labor that is like so crazy and hard than meeting your baby and like having killed, say the gender, it just was so cool. - That's cool. - Yeah. - It was cool. - It was cool. - Yeah, I'm sure, I may have done it with our last two, but yeah, it's just fun. - Well, and now I feel like since you have one of each, it's like you might as well just not find out. - I know. - I know, I was talking to kill about that. I'm like now that we have one of each, I would say that I feel satisfied, but not complete. So now every baby is just like the gender is just like a bonus. I'm like, oh, like another girl or another boy? Like, that's just so fun. But now I feel like satisfied. I'm like, okay, we have a girl and a boy, that's cool. - That's cool. (laughing) - Like I said, I don't have that anxious feeling of like, oh, I hope the next one. - You know, it's just like, there's no preference. - Right, that's sweet. - Yeah, we all have kind of different, 'cause I used to wait until the anatomy scan, like midway. I always said that was like a good checkpoint, like a little motivation. - Yeah, halfway. - And then you found out like the early test. - Yeah, I think 10 weeks we got our test. - Did you do the sneak peek for this baby? - No, I, well, we had to do it also for high risk at the doctors, they just knew. - Well, they did the NIPT test, which is like for genetic testing. - Got it. - And your genetics reveals. Well, they can or they can't. But I thought the sneak peek was sooner than that. - Yeah, because it's not, they're not giving you a full genetic screening. - Yeah, we got like the medical screening at like, whatever, 10 weeks. - Okay, fun. - Yeah, when I was at the MFM. But they were like, we're doing this test. You can either find out the gender or not. - What's crazy was when we did, we did sneak peek and we went to the center to give our skin rights to. - Is that a 10 weeks too? - Yeah, it was a 10 weeks. - I was talking to them, I was like, what do people typically come in here for? She goes, what's the time? We see people that are doing paternity tests. - Oh my, I was like, well, this is a more happy one. I just felt like I'd find out the gender by baby. - I think we'll switch up. - Yeah, I was like, she's like, I never see these people again. But then I know the test results. They're like, she's got the T. - She's like, I know if they are the dad or not. I'm like, that's kind of cool. - The modern day model. - Yeah, 'cause they really know the T. - Yeah, she does. - That's the thing about ours too is like, since it was connected with the genetic screening, the most of the weight of this and like the news fell on like the results of the genetic testing. So when all those like looked like, their job is to assess risk. They're not just say like your baby has this or doesn't have this. And so when they all said like low risk, I was like, okay, I feel like really good. Like I felt like a lot better from that point on, only a certain degree of peace can be had from that. But like it was really secondary, I guess, just like the baby was in good status. - Totally. - So then I was like, just tell me that. And then you don't have to tell me the gender right now. - Okay, wow, this one. Announcing pregnancy early is a mistake. - Oh. Disagree, strongly disagree. - Disagree, strongly disagree. - I think there's a difference in announcing online, we're announcing to your friends and family. I would like to tell you my family the day of, you know? I think telling the people close to you that you're okay talking about if there's a loss, tell the people right away, you know? But I would say maybe, I don't think it's a mistake to tell the internet. I don't think there's a mistake to do anything, but I would personally wait a little longer to tell the internet in the world. But like your friends and your family, I tell right away. - Yeah. - Say, whatever you're comfortable with, it doesn't matter what the status quo is or that most people wait till 12 weeks or that you should wait till this or that. I think whatever you are most comfortable with and I think that changes and that's okay. - Yeah. - That was a tender spot for me also post-loss as people were like, we just waited till 12 weeks to be safe. And I was like, yeah. Safe. - Right. - And so like, I guess now I'm like, obviously I've announced publicly way later, but all of our friends and stuff knew. And I think it was more so because like, I just knew the scale of like the internet and like having, I was like, I just got to protect my mental health right now and make sure I have everything sorted. And you know, there's only so much you can do once it's all out there in the world and I have to be prepared then to like talk about it, which I would have talked about it anyway because now I'm very like much of like an advocate in the sense of like honoring like unborn life. And so like, I would have talked about it, but I was like, I can't, I just need more space between like, when we were talking about Emerson to like, talking about if something were to go wrong this time, which there was a very real time in this pregnancy where we thought things were gonna go wrong. And so, and to be honest, I can't say that I've shaken that. So like, there's just never a point in that time, but I do think women talking about, I don't think it's, I don't think it should be expected at all 'cause it's very difficult to do, but I think more women speaking up about like their loss, it makes everyone feel like I'm inspired and feel comforted by other people's stories. Now I have to decipher when I can hear it and when I can't hear it, sometimes I'm like, I can't handle it right now, like I can't, I'm not in that space. But that's my job and I feel really like, I feel like when people talk about their experience or not even their experience, but just like they're their baby. Like I'm like, I feel like that is honoring and like I gain something from that too. - For sure, I do. - So I don't ever think, I kind of throw that out the window now, there's ever like a point where it's like, okay now it's acceptable to talk about it because everything is fun and dandy. - Totally. - And so yeah, that's a strongly disagree for sure. I'm so sorry, you guys have to bear with my voices. - It sounds worse than I think it does, I feel like. - Abby needs her tonsils out. - I do need my tonsils out of it. Who's got the time, honestly. - Who is going to schedule that one? - Who is going to schedule that? - Like next year, like not three months postpartum. No more surgeries. - No more surgeries postpartum. - No, I don't want to do that. - My birth is a surgery itself. - Right, exactly. - That's what I'm talking about. - Gender reveals should be canceled. - Why? - This is great. - Why? - They're fun. - This is so fun. - We need a party. - We love parties here. - Yeah. - Most people just need to reframe it as it's really just a celebration of pregnancy. - Yeah. - It's an early baby shower. - It's a pregnancy party with the men. - Yeah. - With the men. - Yeah, it's a pregnancy party we're going to do. - It's like you don't actually have to care, like, strongly one way or the other. And it can just be fun, okay? - Right. I knew the gender and we still had a problem. It's just fun. Okay, the gender reveal was revealed to the internet. Yeah, I guess some people didn't know. Our friends didn't know. Yeah, the family. Family all new kids kind of. It's just fun. Okay. Eyes doesn't get serious and also who doesn't want a party exactly who doesn't want a party? Who do you want free food? Seriously? I want chicken minis and pastries. Please. I want more right now. Press feeding is way harder than people admit. This is probably similar to that your postpartum experience. So agree. Addie's saying disagree with me and Abby both say agree. It's been pretty easy for you. Everyone just says how hard it is. I feel like no one says how easy it is. It's not easy. No, I don't think it's easy. I just think everyone said how hard it was so I was prepared for it to be hard. Well good. I'm glad we prepared you correctly. Yes, exactly. That's why I'm saying I disagree because everyone prepared me correctly. Yeah, you guys did. You did. And I'm sorry. I will say after like I don't know how far we were into it maybe three to four weeks into. You had a tough day at our house on a Sunday. I did. I did. I did. And that's when I ordered nipple shields and it saved my is saved my whole journey. Honestly, let's just call on your nipple shields and the bedroom. I was like, but I'm done. I think that's what it is. Like if your baby's having struggles and you feel like you're the one that's like the reason why your baby's not getting fed, it's like that's mentally such a burden. Like that's like not a burden. It's just like such a heavy way to care. Yes. Yes. It's a heavy. Yeah. It's a heavy load. And you're like I in the sole person that is nourishing and sustaining this precious, precious life. Right. And it's on a timetable and sometimes it's confusing and sometimes they're gonna have difficulties and sometimes I'm gonna have difficulties. And it also feels so foreign and you want to do it in the middle of the night and my nipples are bleeding. And I'm like, they hurt. They're exploding. I have a boom in my armpit. Like, you mean I had to tell me I'm sitting down for like four hours a day just sitting here. So they can touch my boob. Like that's hard. So you don't know how much you're eating. I know. I don't know how much they're eating. But guess what guys, it's beautiful. I'm doing it again. It's amazing. I'll never not do it. Like with my babies. It's the greatest gift. It's there's like a purpose for it. But that doesn't think gate that it's still really hard. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of factors. So I'm glad any they were prepared for it. Yeah, you guys greatly prepared me for it. I think it's great. Like why is it such a has two sides? Like I have a lot of things. But like it's so natural. But then also it feels so. It can feel so unnatural. And so then when people like it's natural, your body's supposed to do it. Everything's happening. How it's supposed to happen. You're like, but what if it's not like am I just broken? Like is my nature broken? I feel like that was where I was like, oh, guys, especially some lactation consultants were like really natural, very natural, very like the baby, find the breast, let the breakfast real literally never find it. And dessert. And I was like, I'm sorry. Can someone intervene? And so I feel like that's when I felt the most like shame of my own body. Like I was like, it's not working. And it's supposed to work just naturally. And so that's when I felt like the most frustration when I was like, but then when I, you know, you find your own rhythm eventually. Yeah. And every baby's different too. So it's not like something that you feel like you get used to it or like you can learn. It's like, oh, I did it once I could do it again. It's like every time it's harder for a loop again. Which Vivian has been a way better eater than CJ. So I'm grateful in that sense. But I'm just like, I think just the schedule of it all is really hard for me, especially if you're not already a scheduled person. I'm like, wow. This is like a little heavy duty proof. This is good. I'm only need to buckle down. It's making them all buckle down. Yeah. My second boy caught it one breast. And that was really five months in. That was when I was like, you're like, wait, we've been doing this for five months. What's going on here? He would literally look at one of them. And she's like, mm-hmm. I don't know what that was. I didn't know what that was. You'd only take a coincide. And so then they're like, do a football hold. And like hold her on the side. No, football was terrible. They worked on the one boob. Really? I don't think she like to lay on that side, but then she figured it out. So yeah, I couldn't ever. My kid was too long. I felt like it was weird. It was very odd. It was very odd. It's strong enough. That's like when people are like, I just breastfeed in the car. And I'm like, I'm sorry, maybe my fourth kid. I don't know how they're reaching in there. I tried. I was leaning on it. I did too. I was like, it's not long enough. No, I don't understand that. There was a good ten inches between my nipple and their mouth. Seriously, don't change the thing. But I think the dune is like, deeper set. I don't know. I would never ever try that. That's exactly what I thought. We were on a car ride. And I was like, please. And then it just didn't work. I was like, my whole weight is on this car seat. We had bottles always prepared for that situation. We were big bottle girl, bottle family. And breastfeed at the same time. She liked both so. It was okay. Good. Thank God. So I was advised to never use a bottle at the stage. So then I was like, trying to do it. Then we said to pull over every time on the way to Tahoe. I was like, if you would just take it in the car seat, I can't even reach it. Imagine setting your makeup. Then forgetting it's even theirs. Meet new groupie setting mist from Maybelline, New York. 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She means for care I do think that I've told you before say Robertson speaks really well about mom guilt and I feel like that has helped in some ways with like me feeling like like I feel like there's a certain Calling to my career, but then also I'm like I'm certainly called to be a mom like and like how you can have both and not Necessarily like you can have confidence in both roles at the same time I think it'd be unrealistic especially for me like given my personality type to be like I have zero guilt Right, but that's the goal right? I think all feelings are valid, but they can't I'll be trusted right So it's like sometimes that guilt probably is telling me like hey, you've been way too much or what you know Whatever it is like there's probably some truth to that guilt then other times I'm like I probably need to reflect like is this just me being Sensitive to this or like is it is actually okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I think there's it's good Like I feel like guilt is that reminder to like check in mm-hmm yeah mom's deserve a push present every time Yeah, I agree Of course did I get one this time? No Do I think I deserve one of course? Oh Caleb in the comments actually I did get a push present It was Netflix, but was that what I was I did ask for that actually Do I think it should be a little bit more luxurious? Beautiful. Did you do a push present? No, that's why I say disagree Yeah, it just wasn't necessary. I mean and not saying you shouldn't need well you just weren't at a place where we were like I want you to buy me something it wasn't like I don't need anything we went we didn't go on a baby moon We did go on a cruise like five months postpartum and I want to do that again We really enjoyed having that time together. Maybe that was my push present We've been on a vacation like five months postpartum and I really enjoyed that but I don't Personally, I didn't need one. Yeah. I mean it need no. What was the question? Mom's deserve deserve deserve sure if you want one sure Sure, deserve yes need no, but I also like sometimes like financially doesn't always make sense, but I I agree Deserving you're getting section. Yeah What was your what was your a great Matt what are you getting all do we look really good about it? Negless your eggs. She got really for grip and it was for grip and work out Yeah, I really wanted new workout set and a new gym membership and like he got me like a whole workout thing He's like I am prepping he got me new shoes I am prepping this that this is what you But that's like I'm so excited to like enjoy moving my body And so he got me a set from aloe and it's actually the only aloe set I have and probably will actually ever have but it was Fair fun to have yeah, yeah, so have it and I still wear it. Do you think aloe's quality is good? It is good. Okay. I feel like I hear so many mixed reviews online If you're it's a yoga brand for okay, so not for like high intensity That's why I won't be a one and done. I think it's more of a streetwear brand Okay, okay, and then I was like actually do feel like this is actually just for the branding because I do like other Athletic wear brands. I think it's very high quality. Yeah, okay. I just Toddlers consent weakness and will absolutely exploit it Like kind of agree. Wait, what do you mean? I wait? Can you tell me how you're interpreting this because I don't have an answer like if they I if you give them an answer, they're gonna take a mile. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree Yeah, I agree my son is an expert negotiator. Yes, I'm like now they can sense They're they can sense a little bit of a give. They're gonna take that. They're gonna push for that, you know, and honestly, I feel like I Kind of like that. He's a negotiator. I think that's a really good quality to have the library today He was playing a game on a computer and I was like, okay, you have two more minutes of that and now you need to go play with a toy and read a book He goes four minutes and I said three and he goes, okay, and I was like All right, I love when he does it. I was like, I'll give you five dollars. Comprehensive guys. He goes to I was like, no No, I think it's kind of good that we can find like some not obviously when it's something important what I say goes and I will Stand my ground, but like for those types of things I'm like three But yeah, for sure knew that I was I had I guess weakness and call it. I had some wiggle room. Yeah, that's the other day when One of you kids they spilled the chick fly on the ground and I was like you help me clean it up and he's like no, what I'm like oh Well, actually not do you want to I was like Do I just clean it up? I don't know what to do. I asked him to say it to help me and he said no, and I'm like Help me. I was like he didn't know what to do That's like he said can you do this and then he goes no actually you're gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, I'm like don't ask No, and then he was like I'm like don't have no option That's a hard thing as a parent because I would say like do you want to do this when it's like actually something that we are going to do Yeah, anyway, so like having to like that was something that I had to spend a lot of time like rephrasing that and I both did Yeah, my mom pointed that out to me at times. She was like you keep asking me if you want to do it You need to stop asking like you just need to tell him to do it. I was like you're so right Do you want to get in the car so we can go to so and so it's like that's so easy to say it's like actually you don't have an option So unfortunately in the name of being nice. I'm saying you like this, but he doesn't understand that he's too Yeah, I have hidden in the bathroom to get a moment of peace agree Actually, but it doesn't happen anymore because you do love to sit in there with me walk the door I know but I'm the only one home So I'm like come on in buddy But yeah, I definitely have agreed. Yeah, my gosh moms can flex that as well of course. I'm like it's serious. I got to go upstairs Sometimes I sit on the floor and so the toilet so that I don't pass out I don't say it's bad to sit on the toilet too long So I'll just sit on the floor. Not because you're gonna pass out. Well, they say you can get hemorrhoids and stuff Yeah, but hemorrhoids are gonna make you pass. I think you can lose circulation I mean, this is wild Fun fact How long are you in there? Strict naps schedules white noise and blackout curtains are the only way to sleep Baby, I disagree and y'all know and you can hate me for it. You're son did not nap at my house They disagree. I don't think you need all it. Yeah, I disagree. I'm real wants to dark. I mean, I think dark I think Sam machine non-negotiable. Yeah, I kind of agree with that. You just gonna dry out that outside noise That's kind of my and then dark Yes, very strict schedule. Yeah, you're gonna lighten up on the next when I believe well here's where I've lightened up Is that she doesn't always a nap the same amount of time and so then I have to flex this schedule a little bit That's so that's strict that's very I love it Eddie I love you embrace communication. You're like okay, and then we'll give her a 20-minute nap at 5.10 Yeah, but wake her up. She has to be up by 5.30. My mom died my mom. She texted me. She goes So she woke up at 4.15. I said no more an apps That's funny. I'm using I think you also love an excuse to leave you're like, oh, it's so great But I will I do I do hate it sometimes. I'm like oh the stinks, but other times here We used to have used the dogs of this excuse You did Now you know baby. I don't have a baby, but I'm honestly just jealous of you and your time management skills So that's why I do I do sometimes I fell mother when we leave and I'm like Sometimes I was like, how is baby in so bear? How is she still awake? But it's okay. You gotta do what you gotta do. I respect him. We've fluctuated and have that as well We're very strict on some things and not strict on other things and actually now that they're twin three I feel like wow Everything is wishy-washy Gentile parenting doesn't work. I Honestly don't feel like I can answer this question I agreed. I don't know enough. I don't even know what the gentle parenting method is But I think the internet's gonna say like no, it doesn't work But I'm just like I feel like your parenting might lean on the side of gentle parenting I think there's like parts of it then I'm like that probably don't work and then that part of it. I'm like that's good But yours works. So sometimes I feel like my family. You do gentle parenting. I don't follow it specifically no I don't even know what it is like I've never been able to do it if parenting Like you just gotta do it. You gotta do it. No, I feel like my this is my like assessment of other people watching my parenting is that I'm not strict enough I don't really think that Abby's kids just run the show and it's like are they wrong? No, I was not exactly My friend asked me on the other day actually she said what do you ask your friends? You and our friend Val like a lot about parenting. They said yeah, I feel like they have different strengths I feel like you are really good at speaking to your kids in a way that they understand that's so nice I learned so much from watching that. So no, I don't think that your kids just like run a mug and you are they're good kids Yeah, but I think that you have a strong I think people just have strong different gifts and like some people are really good at like being strict about, you know, disciplinarians in different ways and others, and I think you're really good at speaking to your kids in a way that they actually understand. - That's so nice. - Or sometimes I'm like, "I'm just running my mouth. I don't think anyone's understanding it." - That is really, really, really nice. I feel like the other thing is that my kids genuinely like, don't bother me. Like, actually, like, much at all. And I'm like, I feel like it's like I have rose color glasses for my children. So like when they're doing something like that doesn't bother me. Like I should probably correct that, but I'm not bugged. And so I feel like if I was genuinely bugged by the things that they did or said, I feel like I would step in more. Whereas like I feel like somewhere I was like, I just can't handle like that noise, or like that mess, or like that type of play. Like I'm like, I feel like it's like I'm totally fine with me. - Totally, yeah. - But in the home, I feel like in public, I get a little bit more nervous about it. - Yeah, I need to step in and public more probably. - I didn't know how to handle the other day at Flouge. How when they were like all running around. - Oh, see that didn't bug me. I know, but then I was like, is it bugging other people? I don't know. - They weren't around other people. - I know. But that's the things that I sometimes are like worry. Not about your kids, that's with me with my kids. I'm like, am I worried too much about what other people think in public? I don't know. That's where I'm like, I battle. But yeah, at home, nothing bothers me. - Yeah, they're playing with the mistresses. - It was really cute. - Oh, it was really cute. - Okay, so I don't know. I guess I would say that I am a, I try to embody gentleness in my parenting. - Yeah. - Yeah. So I just would say probably disagree, I don't know. Every, we have high expectations for our kids, so I really will say that. Every parent compares their kids to other kids. I would agree with that. - Yeah, I would agree. - Sure. - Okay, this is where it wasn't an author's books that said like a certain level of comparison is good. - Yeah, I think comparison is healthy. - It's good to know, it's like, okay, first of all, with milestones, like how far off are we from, now this is where you can't get anxiety. There's like a specific anxiety related to milestones. But like, it's like, hey, when did they start doing this? And you're like, okay, I'm gonna flag that this is like, they're a little behind compared to their friends in this area. And it's like, okay, now it's something I actually should probably bring up with their pediatrician. Or like, oh, this kid is able to do this. Or heck, I was like, oh, they're already starting sports. I should sign up for sports. There's like a healthy level of comparison. And there's obviously a very unhealthy level of comparison. And I feel like that gets harder as they get older and the differences become greater. Because right now I feel like they're all kind of fairly even, like the differences are minor. But then when you start entering like higher level sports or like, some kids really start excelling in school and get into like a gifted program at school and some are like needing like IEPs in certain areas. Like I feel like that's where it's gonna be more difficult. - Oh, interesting. Yeah, I could see that. - Yeah. It's easy for us to say now when it's like, oh, your kid started walking three weeks before my kid started walking versus like, oh, your kid is like, you know, struggling in school and this kid is like in skipping and creating an accelerated program. I know, yeah. There's a healthy level, it's all I'm saying. Having kids makes marriage harder. I'm gonna say agree. - I'm sure. - Because it's just another person to take care of. - Yeah, but I feel like it's made our marriage stronger. - Yeah. - It has made it a little harder, but we've also gotten stronger because of it. - You get less one on one time. - Yeah. - And I feel like you just have to really, that's hard to do. Sometimes I'm like, yeah, it's made it better and stronger. I think it's made our marriage richer. And that I feel like the depth of our trust and reliance on one another has to be so much greater. Like, we have to really understand that the other person is gonna stick on their responsibilities and stick to their word. We have to figure out, navigating how to discipline, how we want a parent, these big vision goals for our family. Those things really have made us grow deeper in a lot of ways, but I think logistically marriage is probably a lot harder. - You said that really well. - Thanks. - There's a lot more factors. It gets more complicated and when it's more complicated, it gets harder. - Right. - But not in a bad way, it's just different. - It's nothing to discourage anyone from having kids. - No. - But it is something, I think, having accurate. Like John Zolino says, you have a new marriage once you have kids. And every kid you have, you have a new marriage. And just like, always just like being willing to adjust and rework how it looks just between the two of you is. - Yeah. - It's an exercise for sure. - Yeah. - But yeah, I think it's made it richer. - Pregnancy hormones have started at least one unnecessary argument. Oh, heck, yeah. - Disagree, yo. Because you know what? - What? - No one's gonna blame them all hormones for that. - It was it's fault! (laughing) - No, I agree. It's yeah, it's the wrong. - I remember when I first got pregnant. And I was like, I don't know who I was. For some reason I feel like I was talking to my dad that this would be weird. But I was like, I don't know. There's like pregnancy rage. But I don't know how I could ever be mad at him. I'm so happy. (laughing) That came back to bite me. I definitely got mad at him. - I actually last week, I called Matt and I was like really intense. And I was like, I didn't even feel that. Like I felt disconnected from my response. And I texted him right after I got on the phone. I was like, I'm sorry, I came in really hot there. And his response, he goes, I'm used to it right now. You're pregnant. - And I was like, if you. (laughing) - I was like, that's time. I was like, I've been so good to you. - Oh my God, that's good. - I've been so good to you. - He said I'm used to it. I was like, oh no. (laughing) - I wish they gave you the grace of being like, you're pregnant. So it was a little bit. - Because he didn't even react really. And I was like, you know what? I need to acknowledge that that was hot and heavy for like, for what? Like for really literally what? - Yeah. - And so then, and then it started to rage. (laughing) So never apologize. - I was always about this. And I was like, that was really harsh tone for no reason. - Really sorry about that. - I really remember one time that I got so mad at Blake and I was yelling and you know, the whole bit and I walked out the door because I was leaving anyway. I have no idea what it was about. I would love to remember. I'm sure it was something so. - It was really bad. - Yeah, I feel like also your husband's genuinely like, Matt walking through a forest party and see with me now. Like he is so desensitized to every sentiment in the book. I'm not even kidding. He's literally just like, that's beautiful and awesome. (laughing) I'm not kidding. I actually feel like he like genuinely means. I'm like, you really don't, you think that's like my Vainey boobs. - Uh-huh. - And he's like, that's amazing. (laughing) - And I'm like, whoa. - They do get so desensitized. Kiel was so just like, it was so normal. Everything the second time around that I was just like, actually I just need you to like, validate me. - This is different. - Like, please tell me I'm not pregnant. - Please tell me I look different. - Yes. - Yes. - They're so desensitized. - Please tell me that you're sorry that this is hard. (laughing) - This one says, it's normal for your spouse to feel like a roommate. - Yeah, I agree. - Oh really? - It's normal. - Yeah. - Oh, it imposed part of him. - Oh, is this outside of pregnancy? - I don't know, it's just general. - Oh. - Pregnancy. - This is a pregnancy, and I would say pregnancy, I agree normally I would disagree, but there are seasons for sure. We're like, you're in a roommate stage. Is it always like that? I don't think it should always be like that. - Maybe I'm just different than I've never associated like us. Let's say we're not having sex as often, or not doing things as him as my roommate. He's always following my husband. I just never feel like he's my roommate. I don't know why. I've just never seen. I mean, there are seasons when we're not like doing anything, like relationship wise and we're just hanging out. But I never feel like he's my roommate. I don't know why. That's good. - I just don't associate with that word. - Matt's overly affectionate, I will say, and so I feel like that has like helped. I also feel like we're far enough removed from like a baby stage I forget. And those six weeks, those first six weeks, I will say I can agree with like feeling like, like it just feels like everything is like, you do the chores, I do my chores, we do it and we get through the end of the day. And then, and obviously there's like, no, it's nothing romantic, and I just, nothing movie looking like romance. Obviously it's where romantic is here. Husband hold a new baby, like there's things like that. But then yeah, like I feel like in the middle of the night too, we had gotten it down to such a science. That was just like, signing off. And now we're gonna pass out in two hours. - I mean, I feel like we've also, we've had seasons where it's just been so busy, like kill sometimes we'll work 70 or 80 hours in a week. And I'm like, where you've been, you know? And that definitely feels like roommates and yeah. So I feel like yeah, that's normal. I was able to be more present. So I feel like that is like the difference there. During the baby years, your relationship has to take a back seat. I actually strongly disagree with this one. - I strongly disagree with that as well. - I think it's very important to not do that. - Yeah, I think so too. - And I feel like there's a lot of harmful messaging around this. I will say, like I feel like there's guilt around like, any time type of separation from your baby, like all of it is bad. And it's like if it's for your marriage and you're like, using that time intentionally to grow together and to deepen your marriage, that is worth it 10x for your children. And they will benefit from that as well. So yeah, I agree. I don't have anything to add to that. - Are you sure? - Yeah, no, I completely agree. - I feel like that's the time to strengthen it. - Strengthen it. - You don't wanna have a, you don't wanna have a chip on your shoulder towards your kids for driving a wedge in your marriage. - Yeah. - Like you don't wanna have resentment towards your kids for hurting your marriage. So you really need to make sure that you prioritize that. - And I'm gonna be so honest when I had both of my kids, my nature wanted to completely disregard that. Like it was like we have these vulnerable lives that need me 100% of the time. Like I had to actually like not view it as one, it was the at the expense of the other. That was a really hard thing. I had to like, on rework in my head and yeah totally and I feel like it has been awesome for even we only have toddlers now but they like always like talk about marriage and dating and love but it's really funny checking your partner's location is totally normal yeah I agree I check it almost every day I'm like I'm not where you at I'm like I see at least on this way I can try to help yeah I miss him I always know where that man is the same I always ask him like do you track me he's like not usually I'm like well you should yeah but you never look so much like do you see like do you love me yeah he's like he calls me I'm like I'm at work I'm like I can't I can't answer I can't do it that's funny apologizing first doesn't always mean you were wrong I agree with that yeah you taught me that I told you that yeah oh that's good advice you gave me really good advice that's sweet you gave me really good advice for saying like sorry and now I'm gonna forget it like I'm sorry things felt like things feel weird or like said basically just like saying like acknowledging like acknowledging things are often like saying you're sorry for whatever your role is even if you can't quite define what it is I'm not giving your advice well but you taught me that oh that's sweet I'm glad it's been helpful yeah okay would you or your spouse agree on who apologizes the most I wonder if we would agree because man I disagree we both think that we apologize more than the other I feel like that's common I feel like we but I feel like we would agree that polite apologizes before me and the most even when I'm the one and they're on that's sweet he's very good I'm like I'm gonna go to bed he's like no no no no no no no so we're gonna talk this out I think he'll but I'd probably disagree because I think we both apologize a lot so he'd probably be like I apologize more I'm like I know I apologize more yeah I'll come back I just know marriage advice from single friends isn't helpful I don't know what that one I mean I'm taking it with a grain of salt I mean it's not always marriage advice from single friends isn't helpful no I'm sure it's sometimes it's helpful I sure a lot time it's helpful I'm gonna be neutral I would not go to them as my first person to ask for marriage advice yeah I just think it's different it's the same way as going to someone who doesn't oh maybe not completely the same way but like going to someone who doesn't have kids for advice about having kids it's just not at least for me it's from what I've seen it's not as helpful yeah this it's so hard to make this one like a like a stake in the ground because I'm sure some of it is really helpful you know I'm just gonna say for the sake of the game I'm gonna say agree but just know that I don't agree with that I was gonna say one of my closest friends is single and she knows me very very well and so she can give advice to me and she knows Blake and I have a relationship really well too and so I can tell her about something and she's very good at navigating like who I am and how I would probably respond to something that's just a little bit different than being like we're having this problem in our relationship and going to them about like Merrill problems versus like I reacted in the incorrect way and she can call me out for it okay that's a good distinction Adi that's a very good distinction I really have a strong opinion on this I know like a specific Merrill problem I'll probably say if you're single you're not married I wouldn't necessarily there's an advice well just because they also might be like alarmed they might be like oh my god yes that I thought it's crazy but then other people in relations are like yeah we been there romance has to be scheduled after having kids I have to be honest they're talking about sex I'm gonna say disagree I was also gonna say disagree but I think it depends on the person I'm gonna say disagree but I don't think there's anything if you're not doing it scheduled yes have a conversation about it if you need to like figure out what days of the week it's gonna be or if you're gonna do it if it's gonna be an expectation every night and then discuss it if it's if you're not feeling at that night I feel like that's been helpful you say expectation every night so it's so what helps us we gave that advice Abby oh did we did we know I think you gave it I think one time I you gave you gave me that advice no we yeah we changed our expectation to every night it's we're planning to every night and if we're not that's when we have a discussion about it not a discussion that we're going to I love that that's the other way around I mean you were a part of that conversation it's ringing a bell it's ringing a bell it is it's ringing a bell and you know what I love that you said you said I think that's probably good I think that is probably good he said sorry if it was three weeks ago I don't know it was three weeks ago I don't know it's probably more than half of everything before three weeks ago but I think that's really cool my mind just started working three weeks ago because I'm six months postpartum at the for context I said I don't know oh well I love the honesty I said you you must know see Blake it's just also just difficult like I'm not gonna give you a definitive answer especially if I say it's for the podcast you're asking because we have hardly got me because I don't want to talk about it like listen to always hear no the worst the other you want to know what he hassles me about listening to his watching his youtube videos for his work yeah I know he hassles me about that too yeah and I'm like would I have you listen to always hear it have you listen to a singing opposite no you're like you're not even in the content brother yeah he's just behind the scenes protecting your marriage means setting boundaries with family sometimes I agree yeah I agree yeah I agree I feel like that one is I actually think that's a necessary it's called leave and cleave yeah it's a good little church there you go well even if I can explain I'm just gonna leave it there for you guys to chew on leave it and cleave it get your cleaver leave it and cleave it being a parent makes you more anxious okay I'm gonna say agree but I will say I have my confidence is deeper than it's ever been since becoming a mom it's beautiful but my that felt so not I did you like that it is beautiful that felt like she's so did not believe me I do believe I agree with you I'm gonna say the same thing I feel yeah okay so what I was saying sorry we've been talking for way too long I was just like like I didn't have my personality in my tone that's what happened I'm sorry okay so I was saying I feel like I have experienced new levels of anxiety since pregnancy and children have happened in my life but I feel like my sense of identity and my confidence has never been deeper so I don't know that you can I feel I know that you can be a very confident person in experiencing anxiety so that's how I feel but I'm gonna say agree agree that being a parent makes you more anxious yeah I think just in that way it does honestly I'm most anxious about the schedule gosh darn it you'll get out of that yeah you will yeah somehow have you felt confident the whole time no yeah a confidence comes from fumbling the the past you know what I mean confidence comes from messing up and figuring it out and you're like I made it through and I can do it now and I don't feel confident every day kids have a new way of making you just reevaluate everything yeah it's good we need to are pride to be humbled pride to be humbled you don't fully understand your partner until you see them as a parent I'm gonna disagree on that one I'm gonna disagree with that one I think you can have a completely full marriage without having children I agree I understand each other I sometimes feel like the default parent no matter how supportive my partner is oh yeah I would agree with littles I agree with babies for sure yeah I think this is lesson by I will also agree by feel like it has lesson significantly as they get older for sure yeah and I also feel like Matt now is like slowly starting to become the default parent yeah I feel like since we have like our routine it's just like default and then like cuz I wake up like with brown feet her and breastfeeding that both of your spouses go to work yeah and so we have a different situation like I'm like oh like you'll wake up with a monitor and give her a bottle in the morning on the weekend so yeah that means I'm the default parent on the weekdays yeah we have very unique situation with us both being home yeah I know Caleb could fully handle it all if I was to go out of town or something but yeah just normally with littles I'm gonna be the default and depending on what happens yeah to like if our kids are hurt they want me oh yeah when I'm little when they're little I want them I want to be the default parent so you eventually do become your own mother no I don't think so disagree oh you know what agree and then disagree happy what because I think at first I started picking noticing that I was doing things that my mom did and then I was like oh I want to do some of the things I want to do differently yeah then I switched them so I think it comes out because it's just what you know you like default to your you like default to your what are that your settings your default settings that's actually like proven by science yeah exactly so I guess yeah I would agree and then agree but then you can also evaluate and change it if you need to yeah I have no clue about a single idea I feel like I do like maybe six months old yeah I feel like it'll come that way I feel like my mom's better at it than I am right now I feel like your mom is very nurturing and sweet you're nurturing and sweet oh my gosh when you're with Brielle melts me sure there's such a good moment I'm gonna work so many are traveling with kids isn't worth the chaos no I disagree disagree it's good it's good for everybody someone thinks that I feel like now it's gonna be our next fight with Brielle is in June we're about to enter the hardest season yeah eight months to to 18 months her three month flight all the best thing in the world yeah the craziest flight when I was 13 months old it was wild okay I felt like I needed to write everybody I'm sorry I remember when you came from that one. You're like, you said first match, you can't not to everyone on the plane. That did age me about a year. No. Um, using cloth divers won't save the environment. I mean, I disagree. I don't know. I don't know, but I will not be using it. It probably will save the environment. But will I do them? No. There's already enough poop in my washing machine. It's true. One of my kids pooped on the couch cushions today. And I just can't imagine that being an everyday thing going in my washing machine. I know. No, I will. No. No. No. PDA is acceptable in front of family. Strongly agree. Is it acceptable? I agree. It is acceptable. Is it still weird with my family? Yes. Sometimes it's weird. Be honest. Do we have too much PDA? Too much no. Okay. Too much no. A lot. Yeah. Yeah. The other day we were like at the end of recording. They were just like both sitting here. I'm sitting there like asking them work questions and that's just like kissing Abby Belly with baby. I was like fair, fair. But I'm like, we're not that much PDA. I'm like, well, look at you right now. Wow. And then we figured out that you've never seen Blake in my case. I actually don't think I have because I also miss their wedding. I just had Griffin. I wear the pants in my household. Wait. Do you think kill when I are PDA? No. Sometimes I want to. I feel like you're more PDA than Caleb. No. I'm like, I used to be insecure about it about not being like that Blake and I weren't PDA. And then I realized that I don't want to be. Yeah. That was when we were in the first year of our marriage. I was like more insecure about it. I feel like we both lean towards physical touches being our leveling. And I think that's the biggest thing about it. I feel like Matt is also just very affectionate. Sometimes I'm like, I know what everybody wants to see this. I disagree with that. I disagree. Hey, don't know. What do you think? Disagree, agree? I feel like I'm the most in the middle here. I think you're in the middle. Yeah. I feel like you guys have your roles and your roles really well. Yeah. Which I think we all probably do. I would say but I would say we just got a leg in the pants. Yeah. Yeah. I like Blake. Take the like he's the one who makes a final decision about things. Leader of the household. Yeah. I would agree. I'm going to ask Matt, but I feel like Matt would say that I wear the pants. I don't make the play. I don't think that's true. Okay. Thanks. I feel like we both got a leg in a leg in a leg. Like it. Matt, where's to say that you wear the pants? Yeah. Do you think he wears pants? Yeah. I don't think you you don't make any decisions like without Matt. No, I don't. I don't make any decisions about Matt. I don't feel like he really makes decisions about you. Yeah. I mean, kill just kill it. It's pretty even. Kill, but I don't make decisions that he took either. Yeah. Kill Blake is definitely the leader of our house though. For sure. I'm in the middle. Yeah. I know the code to my husband's phone. Yeah. I agree. It's a cross pattern. Oh, shoot. She said to the internet. Leave that. Having kids made me lose a part of myself. Whoa, we just went so serious. I'm sorry. I'm actually going to say agree. I fundamentally changed. I didn't realize it until, honestly, like, right, like the past month, because all of motherhood, like, did change me. But it's not something I agree. Like I used to. Like when I first had my first kid, I was like, I'm not even excited about the things that I wasn't as excited about. Like, I don't even know. Like I felt lost and confused in those, like, first weeks postpartum. Definitely feel like way more grounded in my role as a mom and like where how this fits into my new lifestyle, like all these things. But yeah, I feel like there's parts of me that were lost. I will probably I think a lot of selfishness was also lost. I think it was good to shed. Mm hmm. I would agree. Yeah. I feel like losing myself as a mom in a good way. Like I felt like a caterpillar that got put up in my cocoon and I shed my skin and my wings have been flying, baby. And you know, they're the confidence of so many things. No, they're flying high. No, what I really mean by that is like, I think becoming a mom, it has made me want to be more creative. It's made me want to be more patient. Like it's made me want to grow in a lot of these areas where before it was good things that I've shed, not like bad things that I've lost. And I think a lot of times people were like, oh, I like, of course we go through seasons when in the fresh postpartum's phase where we're not as interested in things that we like. Yeah, we just you just you just actually don't have the capacity to. Yeah, it's like that has to go. It has to go. And it's for a season. And like there was a season where I almost brushing my teeth went. Okay. Okay, because your capacity is just still maxed out. So it's like, of course, I'm not thinking about like sewing or doing picking up a hobby. Yes. But as time goes on and you become a mom, there's this battle of like not allowing mother had to become your full identity. And then there's this part of you that's like, I want to like find the other things that I am interested in. And it's become like a really fun process of like figuring out what I do find joy in of things that I never would have given that any attention before at kids. So I feel like there's this beauty in it where it's like, I'm excited to like find different things that I'm interested in and like creativity. There's a new motivation to grow yourself as a part of an individual. I would think that's a great way to say it Abby. I do feel like I'm less creative though since I'm your mom. I don't have that circle anymore. Well, it's like you miss it. So you want to like flex the muscle. It's like, I want to do those things. It feels, yeah, it just feels so unnatural. I think I picked up recently. I feel like it's being a good friend. Like I don't know why I think it's because so many people like supported me postpartum that I'm like, I just want to support everyone. You've been supporting everybody in like trying to be a good friend because that's like what was shown to me. And that's been kind of a fun thing to being a good friend. I spent fun for me. Not canceling, showing up to things, supporting people, doing things. You always show up at it. You do. You do. I just leave early. Yeah, just funny. She's on time though. So she's spending the next time. Yeah, exactly. As we are. She's true. It's true. I miss my pre pregnancy body. Oh, yeah, I agree to that. That's okay. I love my postpartum body, but I also can miss my six pack. I'll just get going. I look back at you guys. I'm becoming an A hole. That's what's happening here. I used to be like, don't look at that. I don't know her. It's cheating. It's like me just two years ago. But I'm like, no, now I'm like, I just like back. I'm like, oh, she was so hot. I like have a new feeling about my pre pregnancy body. And I'm just like, never forget that I used to look like this. And I never get back to like exactly like that. But I have gone through a period of like losing 10 pounds before I was pregnant ever. And so it kind of gives me motivation that like you can get back there. Like you can't get all the way back there, but like you can put in the work and get close. Yeah. I actually felt the best ever in my skin 18 months postpartum with CJ. I felt the best ever. I felt strong. I felt like I was really confident. And then I got pregnant like literally that month. That's fun. That's fun. But I felt really strong after having algae. So it's just different. Yeah. Sags feels different after birth. Yeah, for a couple months. Yep. I agree. We actually just got back into it feeling. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. I think for couple months. Yeah. I feel like that is pretty much a given everybody. What can you have? It has seen some trauma. Um, no big deal. I am the fun parent. No, I disagree. Yeah. No, I disagree. She's six months old. But I'll say disagree. Blake like throws her up in the air and stuff. I don't do that. So cute. You guys, I literally just, so often I'll just like look outside and see Matt and the boys playing the pool. And I'm like, I'm so glad I gave Matt two little friends. Oh, I'm having a genuine blast right now. That's great. Or one of our friends came over to bring a meal. And she's like, I, I was upstairs thinking about Matt was playing outside with the kids. And she's like, Matt was just having a great time. That's so fun. I was like, I am glad that Matt just has so much fun. Yeah, Matt genuinely like, I have a limit to like the imaginative play. Like I've kind of reached my point. I'm like, all right. And you've capped out. Maybe it's my creativity that's lacking. Matt is bursting with it. And they are really having great time. It's so sweet. I like love that. They definitely go to Matt. Like they even tell me sometimes like, Mom, chase me. I'm like, Daddy's home. God, come here. I want to chase them. Well, that was our last one. Guys, wow. That one was deep. That was silly. That was serious. That was everything. It was great. I'm very grateful for you guys and that we get to do motherhood together because gosh, it's way better doing it together for sure. Thank you to Addy and Abby for joining unplanned. This is your reminder guys to like, review, subscribe, comment, all the things. And also please check us out on always here that launches a new episode every Friday. And wherever you watch your podcasts, it is there. So you can count on that. And we love to have you. And thanks so much for tuning in this episode. Yeah, thank you for having us. And peace out dudes. pyräilyvaruste, sollisimielestäni itse polkupyörä. 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