Simplified Speech #241 – Keeping secrets

Hello there and welcome back to Simplified Speech, the Q-Lip series that features clear, natural, and easy to understand conversations between native speakers. I'm your host Andrew and today I'll be joined by my co-host Cassie to talk about a very interesting topic, keeping secrets. Are you an open book who shares everything or are you a closed book who keeps things private? In this lesson Cassie and I discovered that we have very different personalities when it comes to handling secrets. We talk about the stress of knowing a secret that you can't tell anyone, the temptation to spill the beans, and we even debate a difficult question. Is it harder to keep a happy secret or a sad one? But before we get into the conversation, let me tell you about the best way to improve your fluency with Q-Lips, which is by becoming a Q-Lips member. As a member, you get full access to the helpful study guide and interactive transcript for this lesson, plus all of the other lessons in our library as well, and we have over a thousand lessons for you to learn with. But maybe the best part of being a member is our weekly speaking classes. These classes are an absolute awesome way to improve your speaking skills by discussing interesting topics with our expert teachers and other motivated learners just like yourself. You can learn all about Q-Lips membership and sign up today by visiting our website, www.qlips.com. And of course, a huge thank you to all our members out there for your support. We couldn't do Q-Lips without you, so thank you so much. We'd also love to hear your opinion on today's topic. After you listen, come tell us if you're an open book or a closed book on our Discord server. It's the perfect place to hang out and discuss this lesson with the Q-Lips community, and it's completely free to join. The link is in the description. We'll see you there. Okay, let's get started. Here's my conversation with Cassie. Enjoy. Joining me now to talk all about keeping secrets is my co-host Cassie. Hello, Cassie. How's it going? Hey, Andrew, I'm doing well. And you? I'm good as well. And Cassie, I love today's episode topic, not just because it's an interesting topic, but also because it was suggested to us by one of our listeners. So I want to give a shout out to Kim. Kim left a comment on our Discord community and Kim wrote the following. I've really been enjoying listening to Q-Lips recently and I wanted to suggest one topic. I was wondering how do you deal with a secret if you hardly talk about it to anyone. Like for example, if you have a crush or if you have a problem when you're working, but there's no one who can give you helpful advice or no one to talk to, what do you do? So that's what we're going to talk about in this episode. Cassie is keeping secrets. So thank you, Kim, for the amazing episode suggestion. And listeners, if you would like to suggest an episode, then please go ahead and do it. We love when we get ideas from you. And the best place to do that is on our Discord server, which is free for everyone to join. Just click the link in the description for this episode and you can join our Discord server. Okay, so Cassie, let's get into it. Let's talk about keeping secrets. And maybe the best place we should start is just by talking about ourselves and our personalities. And I'm wondering Cassie, are you good at keeping secrets? Are you more of an open book kind of person or a closed book kind of person? I would say that when I was younger and recently I have been notoriously open book. I love to tell secrets, but. Really, okay? But I'm trying to get better at it. It's not that I love to tell secrets or like gossip. I just love to tell and hear and talk about good stories. So it's really hard for me to contain something that should be secrets. I'm like, wow, this would be so cool to talk about with this person. But I realized that if somebody tells me something that they're like, you really can't tell anybody this. It could be bad for this person if people know. Then I'll of course keep that to myself. Okay, wow, interesting. So I guess I asked you kind of two questions at once. I asked you, are you good at keeping secrets and are you more of an open book or a closed book kind of person? So maybe we could separate those two questions. So first question, are you good at keeping secrets? I guess the answer is not so much. If it's a really important secret, yes, but if it's a little one or like, I don't tell anybody, but it's not a big deal. Dude, I'm totally telling someone. Okay, good to know. I'll keep that in mind before the next time I tell you a secret. Okay, good. So that's the first question. And then second question is slightly different. Are you an open book or a closed book? And these two expressions, guys, we use to talk about people who really are open and share lots of information about themselves, willingly. Like if you're an open book, you'll tell everybody anything and there's nothing that you really feel like you need to keep private or keep to yourself. However, a closed book kind of person is the opposite, right? A closed book kind of person really doesn't like to share too much information about their lives with with other people. So Cassie, would you say you're more of an open book or a closed book or a book half closed? I don't know. What kind of person are you? That's an interesting question. I'm curious to hear your answer to Andrew. Maybe like a half. I think I'm a person that gives the appearance of being open book, but I don't share my most my deepest inner thoughts, if that makes sense. Like I'm kind of reserved in the things that matter the most to me, except towards my closest friends and family. But for the things that I don't care if anybody else knows, then I'm very open book. I love sharing little stories about people I know or things that I've done. How about you? Okay, well to answer the first question, are you good at keeping secrets? I would say that I'm pretty good at keeping secrets just because I'm kind of the opposite of you, Cassie. You're like, I want to talk about interesting things and yeah, me too, I want to talk about interesting things. But in general, I don't find other people's lives very interesting. I know that maybe sounds kind of boring, but like when I'm talking with my friends, I love talking about like sports or politics or like music or those kinds of things, but talking about like other people's personal lives. I'm actually not very interested in. So usually I would say I'm I'm kind of good at keeping secrets just because I don't care to talk about other people's personal lives too much. But can you guess what kind of problem this causes? People tell you crazy things because they know that you won't tell other people? Exactly. People are like, Andrew, you're so good at keeping secrets. I want to tell you this. I'm like, why? And then other people will ask me for details because they know I know, right? They're like, Oh, I'm sure this friend told you about this situation because they know you won't talk about it. I don't like it when other people try to pry information out of me because they know I know a secret. So by trying to avoid this drama, you actually get dragged into it all the time. See, you should be more like me, Andrew. I know it's like I'm just trying to live my life and focus on me and keep my head down and mind my own business. And somehow I get involved in other people's business this way. So yeah, I would say I'm pretty good at keeping secrets. And I try not to tell other people's information, but yeah, it's natural. I think from time to time for some information to come out, but in general, I'm pretty good. Now for the next question, are you an open book or a closed book? Maybe listeners will find this surprising because I'm always on QLips talking about my life. And I share stories from my life with the world on the internet on this podcast, but aside from podcasting, I think I'm pretty much a closed book. I really find it a little bit uncomfortable to talk about myself. And if somebody asks me a question, then I'll always try and answer that question honestly and be open and answer the question. But I usually don't share information unless somebody asks me first. So I'm not going around like, you know, being the one to start conversations and to be the one who starts sharing, it's usually only in a response to somebody asking me a question. And so I get situations from time to time where people People are like, "Oh, Andrew, you run? I never knew that." Or, " Andrew, you're into music? I never knew that." It's like, "How long have you been running?" Or, "A round of decade?" "A decade?" They're like, "Shocks." And that's just because I don't go around, like, openly sharing about myself unless people ask. So, I guess that makes me a closed book. Would you think? That makes me a closed book. I do, yeah. And it's funny because that you say that because you have this podcast. There was a similar thing that happened to me in Thailand. I actually told some friends that I do this podcast and they were all so shocked because, like I said, I'm also more of a closed book around people that I'm not super close to. So they considered me this, like, kind of shy person. And then when they find out that I, you know, do these podcast episodes with you, they're like, "What? I don't know you at all." Yeah, it's kind of surprising for people, especially our friends who are English native speakers, right? When they open their podcast app, they're not looking for a podcast to learn English. So they're probably not going to find us. If we were just like a regular podcast, maybe we'd pop up on the app or something, but, yeah, it could be surprising for some people totally. Okay, Cassie, why don't we move on to the next part of this episode and in Kim's suggestion, there was a mention of a secret crush, a secret crush. Now, Cassie, you and I are both married and I think our secret crush days are probably behind us. I hope at least. Yes. And it's a little bit difficult for us to talk about it in the moment, but I'm sure when we were growing up back in middle school, high school, university, maybe even we probably had some secret crushes. So yeah, I'll just ask you, have you ever had a secret crush? And maybe we should explain also what a crush is. Maybe we'll start with that. What does it mean a crush? A crush is usually a one-sided feeling of love or affection for someone. So you're like, "I wish I got to date that person. They're so handsome or they're so beautiful or they're so full of life. I really like them." Yeah, when you have feelings for someone, but you really haven't expressed those feelings yet. We would call that a crush. And so for whatever reason, a lot of people have a secret crush, right? Especially like students in middle school and high school, I think. You're somebody you like, but maybe you're afraid of rejection or for this reason or that reason you don't really let those feelings be known. So Cassie, I don't know. And your life, did you ever have a secret crush? I never had one like the TV shows where it's all consuming and I needed to know every single detail about that person and I never like followed them places around the mall or something. You see those. No stockings. Yeah, you see those characters on TV shows and you're like, "You guys are so silly." So I wasn't that type of person, but yeah, I definitely had crushes. But I was really shy when I was in middle school and high school and even early college and I got embarrassed so easily. Andrew, I kind of cringe now about how embarrassed I was about stupid things and I was young. I know I'm like officially an adult now for a million other reasons, but officially I knew a few years ago that I definitely like finished growing my prefrontal cortex and have evolved into an adult because I looked back at my young adult years with so much embarrassment. Yeah, it's good to have those cringy recollections and those cringy moments because it does show maturity and growth, right? So yeah, I think you're not alone. Cassie, everybody looks back at their adolescence and things like, "Oh, why did I do that?" We're like, "Oh." Yeah, we all have those moments. And yeah, of course, me too, I had crushes growing up and some of them I actually like confessed, you know? I made my feelings known and most of the time I got rejected, but there were a few successes as well. So I would say to anybody out there who's secret crushing right now, just get rid of the secret, just confess your feelings and if you're successful, then amazing and if not, then you can move on. You don't have to worry about it. Get a new crush. Yeah, get a new crush. Yeah. So yeah, that would be my words of advice there. Okay, Cassie, let's move on to the next part because the next part of Kim's suggestion was about kind of feeling a burden or feeling like you're weighed down because you have a secret, especially maybe at the office or at work. Like there's a lot of times where things come up, like maybe you know about an upcoming layoff in the office. Like, I've been in that situation before. It's really, really stressful. You know that somebody's probably going to be laid off in the near future. However, you can't tell that person and they're just like going around like it's, you know, every day is fine and you're like, oh man. Like, yeah, you kind of want to tell them like you should polish up the resume and start looking for a job, but you can't. It's not your place to tell them that information. I don't know. Have you ever been in a situation like that where you know some insider information where you're burdened with that knowledge? In family matters sometimes. Yeah. Like if I had one family member that something was happening in their life that they didn't want another family member to know, but they wanted advice on it, I'd be like, wow. How do I keep this to myself? And sometimes I didn't. I'd share it with my sister. But other times like you have to, it's just too big of a thing and you're right. It can feel really burdensome and it can hurt your heart. You can go like this is causing me more stress than it might be causing you even though you're going through it. Yeah. Right. I totally agree. And the family example is such a good one. I totally remember situations where somebody in my family would tell me some kind of secret or information. And then they'd say, don't tell mom. Don't tell dad. Don't tell your brother. Right. Like it happens all the time in a family dynamic. And I feel like it's almost, I mean, I understand why people do it, but it's almost unfair to us because they just like put us in a really stressful situation. Yeah, tight spot. So yeah, I know they're not trying to do that. That's not the intention, right? They're trying to get some help and some guidance. And they probably think like Cassie, if somebody tells you a secret in your family, they're probably doing that for some help or advice, right? But at the same time, they're also putting you in a pickle where now you feel stressed and you don't know what to do. That's such a good phrase and you're in a pickle. Yeah, meaning just like in a difficult situation, right? Okay. So maybe this is something we need to consider before we tell people secrets. Yeah, if they can handle the secret. Uh-huh. Can they handle the secret? Not just like can they keep the secret, but can they handle it emotionally? Something to think about. Okay, so Cassie, our final segment here of this conversation is going to be about managing the urge to tell. Maybe we talked about it at the start and you said that you love it to go around and tell little secrets. Nothing major, nothing big, but what about you, Cassie? Do you have like a best friend or maybe one of your sisters who is like your vault person, who you can trust, who you can share information with, and someone who you know will keep your secrets? Yeah, um, I have, I would say three actually, um, my husband, of course, he's super good at keeping secrets. And then my, my sister in Oregon, I tell her almost everything. It's been kind of a weird dynamic in the last few years. I don't know if you have a similar case since you have siblings, but I used to go to my sister for every secret and now it's becoming more my husband that I go to rather than her. It's been that way for a few years now. And sometimes when I think about it, it makes me sad because, you know, that relationship with my sister is changing. But I still go to her for some juicy stuff, especially when it deals with family members. And then my aunt, I feel like she's still my, my role model because even as I'm an adult, I still need wiser influence than myself. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's a great point. I think. me to after getting married. My wife is kind of my go to vault person. And yeah, my best friends, I got two very close friends who I share a lot of information with. But to be honest, maybe this is like a gender divide, I'm not so sure. But I think guys kind of in general, and I'm definitely in in this stereotype where I'm not like a person who shares my emotions and shares my feelings too easily. So to be honest, there's not like a lot of emotional talk that happened. But if I were in the situation where I had to, I know I have some people that I could rely on and I could go to and I could trust that they would, you know, keep my secrets if I needed to do that. Okay. So Cassie, the last question I have for you is, what is a harder secret to keep? Good news or bad news? Like, I don't know if you found out like, why don't we use your sister for an example? If your sister was pregnant and was going to have a baby, great news. Okay, amazing. Or I don't know bad news. Your sister lost her job. I'm sorry to pick on your sister here. Just for example, what would be easier to keep? Which secret? The good news would be easier to keep. Okay. Why? Because I love giving news. So I know the joy that people get from giving news if they're like me. So I would never want to spoil giving good news because that's their moment. And I would hate it if somebody spilled my good news secret before I could tell them. But for bad news, if it's really bad, I also wouldn't spill that. But for like slightly bad, I think sometimes it could be almost better when somebody else spills it. So then like, the weight is lifted off of your shoulders or having to confess to something. You can be like, ah, okay, you know already. Let's talk about it. So I don't feel that bad about sharing bad news. That's a fantastic answer. And yeah, I wasn't sure what my answer would be. But after hearing yours, I think, wow, Cassie's answer was perfect. I'm going to copy your answer. That's exactly right. You don't want to steal somebody's thunder by sharing their good news about, yeah, whatever it is in their life. That's amazing. You want them to tell that. And if you tell that secret and steal their thunder in that kind of situation, then you're a terrible person. Yeah, they'll be resentful of you. Yeah, they'll be really angry. So yeah, that's great. You have to keep good news a secret. And bad news, like you said, if you do share it in advance, if you do spill the beans and tell that secret, then maybe you're kind of paving the way for that person to be more willing to share their bad news with other people. It kind of makes the shock of the bad news not as impactful. So maybe you're actually doing somebody a favor by not keeping a secret if it's bad news. I don't know. It's case by case, but it could be. I'll tell myself that to make me feel less guilty for sharing secret sometimes. Good. Well, Cassie, I think this will bring us to the end of this episode, but this was a really fun conversation. I enjoyed it. Me too. Yeah. So listeners, we would love to know your thoughts and opinions about this topic. And once again, thank you to Kim, who suggested this amazing episode suggestion and guys, the best place to get in touch with us to share your thoughts, to share your opinions and to share your suggestions for upcoming episode topics is our discord. Once again, the link is in the episode description and you just follow the link to join. So we'll see you there and we can't wait to hear what you have to say. Okay, Cassie, thanks so much and we'll talk to you next time. See you. Bye everybody.