Siblings; How To Create Harmony

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So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 157, and today's episode, Siblings, How to Create Harmony, has been requested by many of you who are struggling with sibling arguments and friction. Now, this episode goes alongside episode 156, which I would recommend you listen to first before you listen to this one, because it sets a really great context for what we need to be considering around children and the dynamics of how they play out at home. Before we start in the nitty-gritty of how we manage the day-to-day, I think we need to start with some context and some background, which is likely to be fueling any sibling friction. What often happens at home, or if I'm giving a talk about siblings or anything, and I'm asked questions around those sort of sibling dynamics, we're often so caught up in managing the sibling conflict in the moment that we don't take time to take that real step back and have a look at what might be fueling it beyond that particular argument or that particular situation. So, the first thing we need to remember is that sibling arguments, sibling friction, sibling rivalry, and unkindness and unpleasantness is a natural part of the family and human experience. It's not pleasant when our children are going through a particularly intense period of it, but it is a natural part, because fundamentally, our children are vying for a limited resource, and they're vying for a limited resource, and they're vying for a limited resource, which is our time and our attention. So, that's a real context that we just need to remember, and hopefully, that will sort of meet a lot of you at a good point at the moment, because I know that when I've spoken to some families who are feeling almost in desperation with this, is that they genuinely sort of believe that they're failing in some way, that they're doing something wrong, that their children, you know, that there's something not typical, not normal about that, but it is. It's perfectly normal, and if it's helpful at all, my sister and I used to fight all of the time, and my mother would tell us quite repeatedly, and I used to tell her, I used to tell her quite repeatedly, that it wasn't normal, and why do we argue so much? So, it is quite genuinely, there's a normal aspect, and I'm not trying to trivialise it, because I know for some families, it really genuinely makes family life and family time together unbearable, and really difficult, and incredibly stressful, and it puts a strain on your relationship as well. So, I just want to put that in terms of that context, and then I want to talk through three broad areas as part of this background and context, before I go on and talk about the three common mistakes. that we made, that we often make as parents when it comes to sort of managing those in the moment, sibling dynamics, and sort of ongoing. And I have talked about these before, but I haven't talked about them within the context of these three other areas first. So, let's talk about that. The first one that I think is really crucial, I spoke before about the fact that we're often so caught in the middle of what's going on, that we're dealing with situation after situation of firefighting, firefighting. Really, what we need to do is take a step back and do a bit of a family audit. Talk about this quite a lot. And there's a real reason why this is important. And there are four things that I want you to consider as part of that family audit. The first one is, I want you to think about how does your child, each child in your family, feel about themselves right now? Now, you might not be able to answer that in great detail, but I want you to really keep asking yourself that question. Is your child having some friendship issues at school? Are they struggling academically? Have they transitioned into a new school or into a new year group that is really up the ante? And that's really kind of impacted them and their confidence. Because these are some of the crucial aspects. Your children don't operate at home in your family in a vacuum. They operate because of all of the other things that are going on in their lives. And home is where they are at their safest. It's where they feel that they can truly be themselves because their family is much more forgiving. And so, this is often where a lot of the issues about how they feel about themselves will play out. And so, we need to know that because how we feel about ourselves will play out. How we manage and deal with a situation with a sibling has to have that reference point of where our child feels about themselves before we then layer on the siblings. So, it's really important that we keep giving ourselves that opportunity to kind of discuss that. And if we're in a fortunate position to be co-parenting in the same home together collaboratively, then it's having those discussions with our partner about things that they may have noticed, comments that our children may make to one parent but not the other, that is really important that we keep that dialogue going together as we're dealing with the situation. We're co-parenting. So, it's really how does your child feel about themselves? What is going on in their life that might also be playing out at home with their siblings? So, that's the first part of the family audit. There's four aspects to the family audit. That's the first part. The second part is what role has your child ended up with in your family and does this jar with siblings? We all eventually kind of adopt specific roles in our family. Those roles are either given to us explicitly, your mummy's little helper. For example, or they come to us implicitly by the way that we respond to our children or the way that the sibling dynamics work. That is a really crucial aspect because sometimes what happens is the sibling friction that is occurring regularly is where there's a jarring with a child, for example, that may be seen as the clown compared to the sibling that's seen as the academic or the helpful one. Yet, you've got the creative, the emotional, the needy, the naughty. So, it's really important that we examine. The roles that our children may well have ended up with or the baby of the family that can sometimes quite often happen when their families have had larger numbers and it's that you kind of cherish that last child, maybe that fourth child, fifth child, third child and so some of that can play out. I say that because it can have a real profound impact. Now, the release date of this episode, if you're listening to it when it's being released, is not far off Christmas and I want you to consider yourself as the adult and how the role that you played within your family naturally plays out. When you are then visiting your siblings or spending time with your siblings. I am one of three. I was always mummy's little helper. I was the good girl. Now, that's really obnoxious, I'm sure, to my sister who was seen as much more mischievous. All right. And so, what happens now, obviously, those roles came about all sorts of various different circumstances. I don't want to be the good girl. I want it to be a fun one and I'm sure for my sister, she felt incredibly annoyed. I was always deemed to be the good girl and was never caught doing anything that I shouldn't have done. But how that tends to play out is when we're then, if you think about it from an adult perspective, when you're then back together as a family and the siblings, even as grown adults, you're the reverting back type. So, it is really important we consider and we reflect and we audit on the role that our children have ended up with and because that may well be jarring. The friction that you're getting may well come from the child who is consistently described as or is considered as a good girl. And so, you get that friction there. If that's then also compounded by a child who then doesn't feel particularly confident, maybe the academic rigor at school has suddenly ramped up. And so, you get this automatic, the clown is already feeling that they're not valued within that family because they're not as clever as the academic one. Their confidence is massively knocked. And remember children, well, not just children, we all compare ourselves to others. And children are going to be comparing themselves to their siblings because they're in it all of the time. So, it's looking at how that sort of family audit, because if we understand that, we can start doing something about it beyond simply micromanaging each conflict. So, as part of the family audit, we've got the how does your child feel about themselves? What role has your child ended up with? Number three is birth order matters. Not to you necessarily, but to siblings, absolutely. So, you can sometimes have jealousy that the older one is able to do more things. go to bed later, reach a specific milestones. But you also then get the flip side of resentment that the younger one doesn't have the same rights of passage as eldest. So the eldest has to wait until certain ages to be able to do things. That's that right of passage. But that creates resentment if they then see their younger siblings as then being able to have things and do things at a much younger age. So birth order 100% matters and has an impact. Again, you can't do anything about the birth order, but you can be aware in advance of any things that you might be doing at home that may be fueling some of that, particularly around this resentment for the younger child by the older one who feels that they've had to wait and endure until a certain age before they've been allowed to do something, and their younger sibling has just, in their view, been gifted it or been allowed it. But also in the way that we communicate to younger children, about the eldest ones, the older ones who are then able to do certain things that they're not. It's about that consistency. All of this is about being intentional. We can't change birth order. You know, that is something that's happened. If our children have had these roles created inadvertently, we're just being intentional means that when we're dealing with moment-to-moment situations of sibling conflict, we can be aware of the context of that whilst also running a parallel, looking at ways that we can redress some of those issues. And then the fourth one in terms of the birth order, we can be aware of the context of that, whilst also running a parallel, looking at ways that we can redress some of those issues. And then the fourth one in terms of the birth order, in terms of family audit. This can be a bit of a tricky one, but it really requires you to be a little bit honest with yourself. Do you find a child, one of your children, easier to parent than another? Are they more similar to you, so you connect with them more? Now, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's being aware of how does that play out day to day? Is it very evident to the other sibling or other siblings that there's an ease with which you interact with one child, but less with another? And it may well be that you don't necessarily find, one easier, but you find one child more challenging and more difficult. You can't seem to make that connection in the same way. Again, it's, if we're aware, we can then be much more intentional about that. And that's a deep question that we just have to be supremely honest with ourselves about and ask ourselves, it's not just, do we find one easier or do we find one more difficult, but really probing as to why. You know, quite often we're naturally drawn to people who share our values or are similar that, you know, that we can kind of, you know, we can kind of connect you in that easy kind of way because we understand how they think and how they go about things. And we find it much more difficult engaging with someone whose processes are different to ours. So it's just being open and honest with yourself because then you can be more intentional in your interactions because that may well be fueling some of that friction because the child who feels that you don't connect with them in the same way can see very obviously the ease with which you interact with the other. And quite often that's the one that fuels the you love so-and-so more than me. All children are going to say that, by the way, all children will have that comment, but there will always be an element of truth in that they're clearly seeing something or feeling less than. So it's either an observation that they're noticing, or it says something about how your child feels about themselves, but all in all, it's still part of that family audit. So that's the first bit, the family audits, four pieces. The next thing that you do is once you've done that family audit is you've got to work on any gaps. You know, is there a family communication issue? Which needs addressing? Yeah. So maybe you're not co-parenting consistently the same, or maybe there's a, you know, you're not being consistent in your communication of what your expectations are or how siblings should respond to each other. So you work on the gaps that you find in that family audit. And of course, the second part is that if you find gaps around confidence, a lack of confidence in your child or how they view themselves or the roles that have been inadvertently created that you need to unpick, then you need to work on either building your child's confidence, building their independence, or, you know, creating opportunities for your child to see themselves in a different role so that they can break free from the clown, from the academic, from the needy one, from the emotional one. Nobody abandons that text. You say what you think. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. Hey. Awesome. Learn how to have the conversation at agree2agree.org, brought to you by the Ad Council. So that's kind of the next bit. So we do the audit, we work on any gaps. And the third thing, which we're going to move on to, is we want a new way of responding. How are we going to communicate that we're going to respond differently around sibling dynamics and sibling friction? And how will we call everyone to account, not only our children, but also who we are co-parenting with? And again, I say it, and I say it again and again and again, why it's so crucial that we have some form of family meeting, whether that's a Saturday or a Sunday, but you have a really specific time that you can reconnect, reflect on the week that has been, set boundaries around what the week that's coming up, and problem solve any challenges that as a family you need to work through together. So that is our context and our background. So now let's move on to the three common mistakes. I say this with love. The three common mistakes we make as parents and what we ought to be doing instead. Now, trust me, I've learned the hard way when both my two went through pretty dire stage of having the most monumental arguments. So these are the three. So let me just talk you through these. The first one, the common mistake I believe that we make is we get involved in arguments and disagreements that we've not witnessed. So this is really crucial. When we see our children having a disagreement or an argument or it gets physical, we can deal with it in that moment because we have got a very clear and objective view of what has happened. When we get involved in an argument and a disagreement that we've not witnessed, for ourselves, it creates a whole host of sibling issues. So I believe that this is the single most common reason we get in the way. So, you know, we all know that scenario. One child will come rushing in, usually in tears and give you one side of the argument. You then ask the other child whether the accusation is true. And then you referee backwards and forwards, trying to piece together what actually happened and who's to blame. The mistake here is that you are relying on your children being 100% honest and recalling it, even if they're not being deceitful, that they'll be able to recall it with 100% accuracy. And let's face it, they won't be. And that isn't just a sibling thing. As humans, we never recall things accurately. It always has our personal slant and twist on there. So there, when we referee these situations based on the evidence that each child gives us, there will always be a loser, a winner, and you will always, always be seen as having taken sides. So my rule of thumb is that when we get involved in an argument, we always, always be seen as having taken sides. So my rules are really, really simple. If you haven't seen it, you can't referee it. End of. Genuinely, end of. You can't get involved in this. Now, we all know which of our children is most likely to react physically to a verbal slur their sibling dishes out. So we can usually make a pretty accurate, educated guess as to what has happened. But we are stepping on some pretty rocky ground when we haven't seen it with our own eyes to object to it. And so, we're going to have to objectively counter any arguments. So my advice is you intervene and separate children earlier when you can hear raised voices and the inevitable is likely to happen. So you do the separation quietly, calmly, and matter-of-factly. I can hear voices are getting raised and to avoid any possible upset, I think it's best you have some space. Sophie, can you please go here? And George, can you go there? Oh, Sophie, can you do this with me? George, can you do that? In 30 minutes, we can try again. Now, I know we can't do that. I know we can't do that. We can't be watching over our children all the time. And how can we ever be expected to get anything done if we are constantly having to listen out to what they're up to? Yet my counter argument is, I would say, the amount of time that you currently spend refereeing arguments and the inevitable fallout and upsets from a child who feels slighted probably takes up so much more time than you realize. So whilst intervening early does take up a lot of time, initially, it yields long-term rewards over and above anything else I have tried. And of course, remember, I'm talking about the three things that we commonly do that we make mistakes. If you only do these three without doing the preliminary things that I've talked about in terms of context and family audit, you're never really going to get to the bottom of it. Because if you've got a child who's feeling supremely unconfident, they're having particular challenges at school, they don't feel great about themselves, they don't feel valued in the family for whatever reasons, not that it's a real sense of not being valued, but a perceived sense of not being valued within the family, then of course, that is going to play out in the place that they feel the most safe, which is at home. So these three common things that we make, the common errors that we make, will be much easier to navigate if we have also worked on the other aspects too. So that is the first common mistake that we make. The second common mistake we make is that we don't know what to do with the child. We don't know what to do with the child. It's telling our children they should love each other as their siblings. Do you remember that? My mother would forever tell my sister and I, when we argued all the time, that you should love each other. You're going to be in each other's lives forever. You're going to have each other. I cannot remember the number of times my own mother told me as a child how I should love my sister and how lucky I was to have her. As an adult, of course, I can appreciate that. But as an eight-year-old who just wanted to play post office on her own, yes, that's what I wanted to do, without her six-year-old messing things up, it doesn't really feel that way. She just feels annoying. Children don't get to choose their siblings, and they are entitled to get annoyed, frustrated, irritated, jealous, and downright pissed off if they want to. Their emotions are legitimate and theirs, and we should not be looking to correct them. What we want to do as parents is to help them to make more appropriate choices about what they do with their behavior in response to those emotions. Instead, we acknowledge how our child feels, and then ask them how they might be able to make a better choice next time. Now, just a warning, only do this after the event when things are totally calm. Something along the lines of, I can see you feel really annoyed with your brother Ben. All you want to do is build your Lego in peace, and he keeps coming over and interfering and moving the pieces. You wish he would just go away and play somewhere else. However, pushing him and calling him rude names is not how we tell each other we're frustrated. Next time that happens, what could you do instead? If your child looks blankly at you, then offer a couple of possible solutions, then ask them to choose. We're holding them to account. We should not be expecting our children to love, adore, and want to spend lots of time with their siblings. That is genuinely fine. What we do, what we should expect our children to do, and is perfectly part of the foundations of the building that they're pulling together for the adult that they're going to be to become, is about treating everyone compassionately and kindly and in a way we would expect to be treated. They don't have to like their sibling, but they have to treat them in the same compassion, kindness, and thoughtfulness that you would expect them to treat anyone else. That's what we can hold them up for, rather than telling them that they should love each other. It's all around the acknowledging the emotion that they're feeling around that sibling, and then making more appropriate choices in terms of how they respond to that behavior. That's number two. The first common mistake we make is about getting involved in arguments that we have not witnessed. The second is telling our children they should love each other as their siblings. The third is talking in terms of treating everyone equally, rather than in accordance to their need. Now, this is such a common trap that we fall into. We want to treat our children equally, because that seems to be the most equitable, appropriate apportionment of our time. And yet, the reality is so much more difficult. Children, measure time differently to us. So, the time you spend bathing a young child, helping them with their homework, waxing their spellings, or even telling them off, is all counted. When you have an older child who needs less help, or who is more, maybe they're just more compliant, then they often feel marginalized that they don't get the same amount of time with you. So, instead, talk about treating your children differently based on need. So, for example, your five-year-old who has just started school, needs more time from you when they get back from school, as they can't do any of their homework as independently, maybe, as your seven-year-old, because your seven-year-old has done it more often. Your 13-year-old will need more time to decompress the challenges of friendships and social media than your nine-year-old, and so on. Absolutely set aside time each day to spend with each child, just being with them. But please don't get sucked into the trap and communicate to your children that you treat them all equally, as you simply can't. And it's not even an appropriate thing to be saying. It's all based on, they all need you in different quantities at different ages and stages in their life. And this will ebb and flow, and they all get their turn. Now, what I will say is that there are going to be challenging times when, for example, you may have a child who's struggling, particularly in terms of their anxiety or their confidence, and you're needing to spend time with a lot of time with them. Maybe you've got a child who's struggling with additional learning needs, so they need that much more of your time, or a child who finds it difficult to decompress. Understand that these things tend to pull you in lots of different directions, and that will have a knock-on effect in your family. Hence why we go back to the context. How is this impacting? What are the roles that are coming out within your family? But when we keep saying to our children about trying to treat them equally, then that sets us up for a trap. Whereas actually, when we talk to our children about this idea that we spend time according to what they need, and right now your sibling needs more support because they're going through this particular challenge, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to completely diminish their ability to finish some of the friction and the rivalry that's there or the disharmony, but it means that you're constantly communicating to them. And if you do have a child who seems to be demanding or needing a lot of your time and attention for whatever reason, that's where it's so important that we find those quiet moments to have conversations with the children that aren't having that time or aren't needing us quite as much, to keep them up to date, to keep them posted, to let them know what's going on. And where need be, that's where we bring our wider community together. community and our tribe in to help us, to help sort of support us, that help with that, the child that has been sort of taking much of our time, maybe on a play date, or they can visit grandparents or aunts or uncles or neighbours. So you're then able to dedicate some very specific time to children and their siblings that may well be missing out. So it's really looking at this whole thing in context. And as I say, as parents, we so often get caught in this trap of micromanaging the moments that we forget to take that step back and really review things in a broader, broader way. So what we will do in terms of resource for this one is that actually the resource will be much more based on the context and the background. So the family audit, the working on any gaps and the new way of responding rather than those three common mistakes, because those are things that you now are aware of that you can work through. So the give is going to be this context so you can literally work through it yourself so that you can come to some sort of resolution as to what might be going on. And I would suggest that you do it for each child separately. You have a look at that. So we'll do that. We'll have that as a downloadable resource. All you need to go is to head over to my free resource library, drmaryhand.com forward slash library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week's resource, but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes. As ever, if you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it and be eternally grateful if you could follow, rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. Thank you.