165: She became naturally thin and met the love of her life: Maddy’s Heart Led Eating transformation

Imagine getting to the point on your food healing journey where you feel so healed and food is so easy that you have to leave the program that you're in because you're no longer having issue. That is what happened to my alumni client, Maddie. She has been in Heartlet eating from the beginning. I think she joined the second month that Heartlet eating was open a few years ago. And Maddie just graduated the program and she told me, "Ashlon, I need to leave because I'm so healed, there's nothing left for me to talk about and I know exactly what to do for the rest of my life. I want you to experience the same healing that Maddie has experienced and listening to this episode is going to give you so many great places to start. Maddie has so much wisdom to share and I know you're going to relate to her story. So without anything else, let's dive into this conversation. [Music] I'm so excited to be sitting here today with one of the OG Heartlet eating alums here from the beginning. She's doing a little dance. Welcome, Maddie. Thank you so much for being here today. Thank you. I feel like this is just such a full circle moment and I'm so excited. So thank you. So excited, of course. Can you take us back to where your journey with food began? I know that we don't get here by accident. Like we always go through a lot. So tell me, where did food and body stuff get difficult or messy for you? Yeah, it goes way back. I had a deep belief that my body was broken and because of that, that I wasn't worthy of having a healthy or a happy body. So if we can go way back, I'll go all the way back to when I was born. So when I was born, I was born with some complications and conditions at my birth that just made me a little bit different than other babies. And it wasn't anything life-threatening, but like for example, I was born without the ability to swallow. And just things like that that just made me a little different. And of course, I can swallow now. I obviously didn't start eating. So I grew up with these quote-unquote issues and always going to the doctor and that just instilled this belief in me that something was wrong with me and that I was broken. And it was I was always going to feel like I was different than everyone else and that I didn't deserve the happy, healthy life that everyone else seemed to have. And of course, this is almost subconscious and I've unveiled this through the work of heartlet eating. But yeah, just for context, I was kind of carrying that belief with me into when I became a teenager and you know, that's when it starts for a lot of us. And I was on the cheer team and I was a flyer. And if you aren't familiar with cheer flyers, like the person that gets thrown up in the air. I was usually like the smaller like petite girls. And I was always very underweight, just naturally underweight. Well, maybe not naturally, but I just tended to be very, very thin as a child, maybe because of some of the things I was born with. I don't know. So when I first became a cheerleader, I was so thin and everyone loved flying me and I would get praised and praised and praise for how light I was how thin I was. And you know, I knew I wasn't the most beautiful or talented girl on the team, but I had this quality that I could hold on to. And I knew to maintain that with every cell of my being in order to feel worthy, you know, and feel this void that I had been feeling subconsciously. And, you know, for a while, I didn't really have to do anything, but then, you know, as your teeny jar, you go through puberty, you start gaining some more weight. And for me, it was weight. I probably needed desperately needed. But of course, for me, that was just not acceptable or okay. So that's really when it started with the restricting and the dieting and being super concerned with my body. And then, of course, you can't really have one without the other. So then eventually the binging started happening. And underneath all this was just major nervous system dysregulation as we know. So those were like my high school days and then towards the end of high school, because I've got so into quote unquote health and wellness. I was like, well, I need to go vegan. And, you know, I felt on the vegan rabbit hole and it's the healthiest thing you can do. And also it bit this part of me that love to control everything so much. She was like the perfect way to control every single thing I was eating. Which brought a lot of safety. And so I was vegan for six years, all throughout college. But was just, I guess the binging and restricting wasn't as prominent. It still happened. I was still overeating. It just took on a new shape of being vegan and having all these rules and turning to sweets and things like that for comfort, especially in college when you're just trying to figure out who you are and you, you know, the college I went to I knew absolutely nobody. It was in a new state, new city. And so that brings a lot of anxiety and nerves and everything. So food was always there to comfort me. But being vegan was also a way to be able to say no to the cake at the party and think that you're so much better than everybody else because all I'm not eating the cake. And then you go home and you eat vegan or you know, whatever. And then so to wrap this up to that brings me here. So I graduated three, three, four years ago now from college. And I'm no longer vegan, which has been amazing. It's been about a year and a half, two years. But I just still felt like something was missing and I was not in tune with my hunger and fullness. And even though I was no longer vegan, I still was controlling my food a lot and had all these rules. And so yeah, that's a little snopsies on my journey and kind of what brought me to HLE. Yeah, oh my goodness, Maddie. I just personally relate so much to your story. Like I feel like we're little twin flame soul sisters. Like I feel like we've been through some similar things. And I know so many other people will as well of like, you know, maybe being quote unquote thin as a child. But then at some point your identity gets tied into that and you feel like you have to stay that way in order to feel important or loved or enough. And when our bodies inevitably change or we start to disconnect and we start to gain weight or we feel different. Then we start to like cling on or grasp on for control, which is what leads to all of the brain led eating and the rules and the plant based eating or the restriction or the counting and the tracking, which actually. I'm curious if this happened to you, but I know it happened for me. It's like it actually makes us gain excess weight. Like we grasp on for control to like try to control our body and it ends up like messing up our hormones messing up our gut. Like it makes us feel worse in the long run, not necessarily better. Yeah, it's like we're trying, it's like we're trying so hard and just nothing good is coming of it. Like the reason I stopped being vegan is because I had lost my period and I would just had this moment where I was like, if I'm eating the quote unquote, healthiest diet that you can eat. But I'm I don't have a period and I have all these nutrient deficiencies like what am I doing? And so I didn't necessarily I did gain some weight, but for me, it was more the health issues. That really impacted me and I'm still dealing with some of them today as you know. But just by not listening to body by not listening to my body, I just completely wrecked it and it's so sad. Yeah, yeah. What was like the worst part for you before you like joined Heartlet eating like did you experience a lot of food noise or was it more like the banger strict cycle like what was just like debilitating to you. Gosh, yeah, it's interesting because I feel like I have a little different story than a lot of the HLE girls like I wasn't dealing with the classic banger strict when I decided to join. It was more just the complete disconnection from my body. I just had no idea what hunger felt like no idea what fullness felt like and I just it was just creating so much chaos and anxiety in my life. And it was just just also even though I wasn't having these huge benches, I was relying on food for a comfort. And I just didn't like that. I didn't like like I have a memory of one day at a really stressful day at work and I literally door dashed chocolate to my house. And you know, I love my chocolate. But I do or dashed chocolate to my house and I'm just like what is happening like this. It just, I felt like there had to be a better way. - Yeah, yeah. And I want you to know that you're not alone in that either 'cause I know that we talk, I talk a lot on Instagram about binge or strict, like all of that, like intense stuff, but I get so many messages from people who are like, "Achlan, I don't really like binge that much, but I'm still like feeling disconnected from my body or food feels really weird. Like, it can hardly eat and help me too. So I'm glad that you shared that because I think more people may relate to that than you think." - Yeah, totally. And also, like losing excess also wasn't a huge thing for me. So, but really the common denominator was that nervous system regulation. And that's like, what led me to you? So yeah, anyone out there, if you're dealing with nervous system dysregulation, like this, you came to the right place. (laughs) - We're so glad you're here. - Yeah. - Well, Maddie is actually one of the OG Heartlet eaters. She was one of my very first people who joined the program. So you've seen it go through lots of transformations and getting better. And Maddie has really been here from the beginning and she's been a part of the alumni program. So I've gotten to know you so well in your journey. And I've seen you heal in so many incredible ways. But can you take us to, like the early days? I know it's a little bit ago now, but like the early days of HLE and what really stood out to you, like what were some big aha moments that you had once you joined? - Yeah. Yeah, just for context for those listening, I started HLE over a year ago. And so it's been a while, but and then I was in the alumni group just 'cause they needed some extra support. So this is a while ago, but I think one of the first aha moments for me was learning what hunger felt like. Like because I had dealt with so many issues and bloating that I just thought, oh, I'm bloated, I'm full. Like and when you told me like where to focus on to feel hunger and where actual stomach was and how bloating isn't related to hunger, I was just like, oh my gosh. And now when I feel, or like when I started feeling without true hunger, I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, it's taking me back to when I was a kid and I would feel true hunger. Like and but then with all these rules and noise and everything, I blocked that out. And it's amazing just how our body is giving us all of these signals all day long. But if we're not listening to them, we're not hearing them at all. And I remember being on those calls, we were like, yeah, I can't feel hungry and I just was like, something's broken with me. Like it's not gonna work for me. - I remember that. - Yeah, like we love to play the victim and just be like, well, it's not gonna work for me. So that was one of the biggest moments. - And were you able to get your hunger and fullness queues back online? 'Cause I know so many people wonder that. They're like, I don't feel them. Like they're never gonna come back. - Yes, yes, I totally did. They came back online. I wanna say within a few weeks, but it took some more time to fully listen to them and understand them just through a lot of trial and error. And it's so interesting now. Like I know if I'm not feeling hungry, but it's usually around a time I would be feeling hungry, it's usually I'm feeling dysregulated. And so I'm like, let me take a moment to just drop in, take some deep breaths or have a dance party or whatever I just need to do. And then those growls will come back and it's just amazing. So yes, they did come back. I'm trying to think of other aha moments. There were so many. I'm trying to think of, tell me about your nervous system journey 'cause I know that was a huge part for you. Like, yeah, how was that for you? - Yeah, I think when I first joined the program, I realized I was constantly dysregulated. Just either always in fight or fight or always in the shutdown state. And just going back and forth where I get stuck in one for a long time. And I was also working a really stressful corporate job at the time, which that mixed with all the dysregulation I was already having was not good at all. Like I would be shaking at work and breaking out in these rashes and sweating profusely and just it was terrible. And so as I learned how to not actually drop in and not resist to those feelings, but allow that anxiety and that fear or that sadness to fully be there, that was when a lot of magic happened. Because we spend so much of our lives resisting it and just trying to be positive and push through because we're so afraid of these big emotions that are just there under the surface. - Yeah. - So yeah, learning how to do that and just sit with my feelings was huge. - Yes, I'm so glad you brought that up, Manny, 'cause I think there's this big misconception of what nervous system regulation even is or what nervous system work is. And I used to think the same thing. It's like, oh, I just need to remove all the stress from my life and like get super calm all the time and be this like zen calm person so that way I don't ever have urges to like eat outside the boundaries of my body and I'm just totally calm all the time. But just like you shared, the way that we actually regulate the nervous system is learning how to be with the chaos of life and the messiness of life and feel safe in that full spectrum of life. How has that like changed your life understanding that? - Oh my gosh, it has been just the most amazing thing because once you open yourself up to all the possible emotions like your capacity for joy gets bigger, for happiness, for peace and so not only like yes, you're feeling the anger and the grief and the sadness, but you're also feeling the joy and the happiness and just the amazing things that come with that because I think before this I was living kind of in this middle state where I was just afraid to feel anything on either side. And it's so limiting, it's just not a fun way to live life. And now it's like, I'll go through my day and I cry a lot. So I might cry for two minutes and I'm smiling and laughing and it's great. And like, whereas before I would just hold it all in and then I would be crying for 30 minutes and then it'd be done crying and I just feel so depressed and just because I didn't know how to move through the different emotions. But now that I'm not holding anything in, it's so easy to just move through emotions like the snap of a finger, you know? And it's not always like that, but a lot of the time it is. - Yeah, which is like a hallmark of a healthy nervous system is the ability to be flexible and resilient and like experience stress, but then once the stress is over, we can come back to regulation and we don't get stuck in dysregulation for long periods of time. And how did that translate over into eating food, hunger, fullness, like health issues? Like did that impact things physically for you? - Yeah, for sure. I mean, now that I'm willing to feel all of my emotions, I'm not feeling the urge to control my food anymore or it turns to food for comfort. But I'm also not shaming myself if I want a piece of chocolate or whatever it may be, or like a grilled cheese. I love grilled cheeses. (laughs) And just not even thinking about food, like for example, today I had breakfast and it was a little bit of a larger breakfast than I usually eat, but I was hungry for it. And then two hours later, I was like really hungry again. And in the past, it would have sent me a spiral, like, oh my God, I'm hungry again. Oh no, if I eat, I'm gonna gain weight, blah, blah, blah. But now it's like, oh okay, I just must need more food today and I ate my lunch two hours after my breakfast. It was great. - I could naturally thin woman would. - Yes, yes, or like just the other day, I was getting some ice cream with my friends and we split one and I had like three bites. And I was like, I don't want one anymore. I just want to hang out and have fun with you guys and enjoy the view and the music. We were like outside. So yeah, it's been amazing like to have both the nervous system regulation and with that comes the ease with food. - Exactly, yes. I think that's something that so many people miss is like you are designed to have ease with food. Like that's how it's supposed to be. That's how it was for a lot of us as kids or babies and the reason why it's not easy anymore is because we're using food as a regulator and a buffer. And so once you have the capacity to be with life, you don't need the buffer anymore. It's not like you're having to hold yourself back from having tons of ice cream. You just only eat the amount that feels good in your body in that moment because you don't need extra ice cream for regulation. Like ice cream is just or hunger and soul pleasure. It's not for like meeting all the emotional needs in your life. - Yeah, yeah, absolutely. - So huge, Maddie. And I'm also curious because I know there have been some huge life shifts that have got to help me. - Yes. - You want to talk about that? - Oh my gosh, yes. So on my-- first HLE call, Ashlyn helped me unpack some emotions. And basically I was feeling extremely depressed and shut down at the time. And I remember you being like, what is this feeling trying to tell you? I was like, it's trying to tell me I need to quit my job. And this was over a year ago. So I feel like HLE just helped me really get in tune with my intuition and what's truly best for me and aligned for me because throughout this time I realized this job was not a good fit for me. And you know, for a while I was like, okay, let me try to regulate my nervous system and see like what I can get with that. And yes, it did help, but eventually you just realized, okay, the problem isn't me. The problem is I'm it's this environment and this job that I'm just not a fit for. So I officially quit my job two weeks ago, which this was, it's been a year in the making. But yeah, I quit my corporate job and it just felt so right and aligned. And I feel like I would not have had the courage to do so without your help and with the nervous system regulation work I've done. So yeah, that's a huge change. And I'm just excited to see what's next and who knows where life will take me, we'll see. - I'm so excited for you, Maddie. And it's such a common thing to like food being out of order like coats over the issues in our life. And a lot of times we are in the wrong relationship, we're in the wrong job, we're living in a place we don't wanna live. There's like something like massively out of order in our life. And food is like picking up the slack for it and like it's making us avoid what actually needs to change. But then once we put food back in order, all of a sudden all of these things that are out of order in life become very obvious 'cause there's no longer a buffer on top of them. And it's like, whoa, this job is really not the right job for me. And just like you said, sometimes it's, no, the job isn't the problem. Let's like grow our capacity to be with stress. And like, so you know, let's say you have kids, it's like, we can't just get rid of the kids. Like we have to like grow our capacity to be with the kids. But in some cases, there are actual things that are not meant for us, like they're not in alignment with where we're meant to go or our soul's path. And the lesson I know for you has been like, actually letting go of the job and not just growing your capacity to be with it, but realizing like, oh, this is not actually in alignment with where I wanna go. And I'm so proud of you for listening to that. - Thank you, yes. And it's hard to come face to face with those realizations of like, I need to quit my job or I need to move or whatever it might be. But it's so much more worthwhile than turning to food and ignoring that like, so much more worthwhile. - Yes. And I know for you, food was already feeling like pretty healed before you quit, but after you quit, did it feel like any better or any easier? - I think it definitely is getting better because I think work shut down my appetite a lot. Like I just was like, I would feel hungry, but was just like, not, it was so stressful that I was like, I don't even want to put food in my body right now. And so that just made it tough. But so not having that and just not being as merely a stress and just having space and the ability to consume the amount of food that my body needs has been so great. And I made a little cake to celebrate me quitting and just to be able to enjoy cake with my friends and like, it's who cares, no big deal. Like, it's so nice. - It's literally the best. And I know a few weeks ago, we were on our alumni call and Maddie was like, Ashley and I have some sad and happy news. She was like, I want to leave the alumni membership because I feel fully healed. Like, food is not a thing for me anymore. Like, I just really don't need to be here anymore. And it's such a bittersweet moment because of course I love you so much and I love seeing you every week. But also like, holy moly, I'm so excited for you that this is something you can tie up in a bow and move on with your life and put your energy into your life instead of like always being on a healing journey or trying to always fix something with your body or with food. It's like, it's truly done. Like, there's nothing else to do for me. - Yeah. - I don't know if you feel for you. - It feels amazing. All I got to do now, just live. (laughing) And yes, it was so bittersweet because I love to go into those weekly calls with you and all the girls. It was just so nice to have that community. But I think what really made me realize, okay, I think it's time to move on was that I'm not chasing perfection. I think maybe I was hanging around 'cause I was chasing perfection with HLE and but you would say like naturally thin eaters don't eat perfectly. And it's okay to have an extra bite, and you didn't need that extra bite or whatever it might be. And so just letting go of the perfection and just being okay with, okay, I might not eat the exact or a say some else that I need might be like an extra bite or one bite less or whatever it might be. It's kind of, yeah, what made me realize I'm ready to move on and just let my life. - Totally, yes. And I know we were talking about this last week. It's like naturally thin people are not in and to a debuting programs. They're not like fixing their relationship with food. Like they're done, they don't think about it. And I think that can, of course, we need to like have support when we're in the beginning of our journey. But getting to where you're at and really shifting out of the identity of someone who struggles with food or her body and like stepping into, as you've done, the identity of someone who's healed and can focus on life and focus on your relationship now that you're in and your career and everything that's happening for you. - Yes, my relationship was also a huge life change through HLE. 'Cause as I shared on my last alumni call, I met my boyfriend's before starting HLE. And I feel like because of my nervous system, this regulation, my heart was just so closed off. It was like in a little cage and I was just afraid to open it up. And I never had a boyfriend before and I was just so just confused and anxious about what this was, but I knew he was such a great guy and I wanted to be with him. But I just didn't know how. And so starting HLE and learning to feel my feelings, my heart slowly started to open up more and more. And he, or I'm trying to remember the timeline, but it was a while ago now. Well, basically I like logically knew that I loved him, but I didn't fully feel it yet. And so it took me a while to say, tell him that I loved him and fallen off him. But because my heart just eventually opened light up and I became okay with experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, I fully fell in love with him and I feel like that would not have been possible without this program as crazy as that sounds. But just seeing this program opened up my heart and just changed my life. And I love him. We're so happy we're gonna move in together this weekend. So yeah, it's amazing. And thank you so much. - Oh my gosh, Maddie, who would have thought you like sign up for this random girls program on Instagram and now you have like quit your job and found the love of your life? - I know, I know, it's crazy. And yeah, like I don't want people listening. I think my life is all sunshine and rainbow. It's 'cause it's not, but these amazing things have come throughout this time. So yeah, it's like the ability to feel our pain and be with like the intensity of life also grows our ability to be with joy and like blessings and amazing things to happen. And it's not that like the bad stuff stops happening. It's just that the good and the bad keeps happening and you're open to feeling all of it. And it's felt for me that like things feel better and better in my life and it feels like more like miracles and blessings and just like how is this happening? It starts to happen because you've like really gone to the depths of the pain that's there too. - Yeah. - Yes, oh my gosh, like it is not an easy journey. It's a painful journey, but it is a worthwhile journey. And now getting to a place where I'm not afraid of the pain anymore. I'm not afraid and that is just the best thing ever because then you're no longer afraid to go through these like trials that life brings sometimes. - Yes, yeah, yeah. And you might be the best person to ask this question too because you really have been here through the whole time of age, I'll leave, but if somebody was listening and is like, okay, I don't know, I'm feeling kind of called but I'm not sure I'm nervous to join. Like is there any wisdom that you would share to somebody in that position? - Oh, I would say that it can work for you. You are not broken. And because so many of us think it's not gonna work for me but just try it and commit to it. and also, like invest in yourself, which it's hard to do, but this is such a worthwhile investment and you deserve that. Like you deserve to invest in yourself and take care of yourself and heal yourself. - I love that, Maddie. I'm so glad that you decided to do that for you. So you can experience your life more fully without food issues, body issues. And is there anything that you would want to say to your past self who was really struggling? Like what do you want her to know? - Oh my gosh, I would tell her to knock it up and I didn't, I didn't really touch on this, but halfway through my HLE journey, I almost gave up. I kind of stopped going to the call, stopped doing the whole modules and workbook because I fell into the trap of it's not gonna work for me. But then my boyfriend and I went on a vacation to Europe and food was just feeling so terrible for me. I went on that trip and it really impacted the trip. And so I came back from Europe and I was like, "Okay, well I need to really do this for real." So and I did, and here I am now. (laughing) - Thank goodness. - Yes, but yeah, I would tell myself to knock it up and it's fully worth it. And yeah, to just surrender and let go and the healing will come. - So wise, so beautifully. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Is there anything that we missed on that you wanna add or do you feel complete? - Man, I feel like I could just talk for hours if anything gets there's anything left. I don't think so. I think we covered a lot and thank you so much for letting me share. - Oh my goodness, of course, Maddie. I've also like recording these for you. Like I want you to have a little time capsule for you to like come back and listen to. If everything, like in the future when you're like reminiscing, like it's so easy to forget. Like even for myself, I'm like, I wish I would have recorded just like what I was going through back then 'cause sometimes I forget like really how much I struggled or like really how hard things were. And so to be able to like hear your story and share it with other people and be able to like reflect on this time of your life is really special, I hope. - Yes, and thank you for that 'cause even as I was preparing for this, I was like, I don't even remember what my relationship with food was like. Because it feels so natural to me now. - Yes. - And I was like, oh gosh, I was really having a thing back. So this will be good to look back on. - Yes, I love you so much. You have no idea. - I love you. (laughing) - I'm so grateful for you for just being able to witness your journey and your healing. It makes me so emotional because I just, yeah, I have no words. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much. And I'm here always. I know you're no longer an alumni, but you're forever alumni in my heart. - Oh, yes. No, thank you. And I love you so so much as well. And just thank you for everything. I have infinite gratitude. And I hope that this podcast like lands with some people today. And I think that it will. So yeah, thank you for having me on. - Of course, Maddie. (upbeat music) (soft music)