Shane Gillis vs SNL: Round 2 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

(upbeat music) - Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm in Austin, Texas. You're in judo art titties. And you are, what are you doing there again? - I'm doing the New York food and wine festival. I'm doing burger bath, bash with Rachel Ray. - That's right, you were doing that. You were doing some pro-Palestine rally. And now you're here. And you're just gonna, how have you done the Rachel thing yet? - I did an episode of something's burning with Rachel Ray and Chris to Stefano. I did an episode with the basement yard. I did an episode with Mark Norman and Keith Robinson. - Okay. - And then I do this, and then I go to London for the Jaguars game, then I go work out with Mark Wahlberg on Monday. - That's a full fucking number of days you have there, man. - I know, man, and I think I have COVID. Keep going. - Keep fucking going. Well, that's exciting. I think we should probably address the hottest topic in all of comedy right now. And that is-- - It's called Special. - Wait, what do you say, you gotta say? - Our friend, Shangulous in a bit of a firestorm. I'm sure you've seen by now, hosted SNL last weekend. Did a monologue and it took the interwebs by storm. And here's a lot-- - It's crazy. - Here's what I wanna say about it. 'Cause I know we can just say it and then we can move on. There's a couple of things. I know that I never believe in policing the masses of what you think of what comedians said. I'm a proponent of if you're offended or if you're upset and you wanna be outspoken, I support that. I feel like people have the right to feel however they wanna feel. And I think what happened in this case is that there are these legitimate feelings that people have about misogyny or about injustice about the way women are treated, whether it's in these certain settings and whether it's colleges, gyms or just as a whole, maybe the feeling that a lot of women have legitimate frustrations with a lot of things in society. And I think those are all things that are worth talking about. I also think more than one thing can be true. And while I understand that it was used as this lightning rod to have these conversations, I think I feel like I wanna say that as far as Shane goes, I know a lot of people probably who didn't know who Shane was, as popular as he is. Discovered him from this clip like it became really. Was 100%. It's so funny 'cause I assume everyone knows who Shane is. I think he is in my opinion the biggest thing to happen to comedy since Dane Cook, Steve Martin. Yeah, yeah, Eddie Murphy. He is very popular and 100% everybody does not know him. And millions of people who are not into, you forget that standup is ultimately not, it's not the most popular. There's a lot of people who go, yeah, I know who Dave Chappelle and Seinfeld are. They don't know who anybody is. And those people also were sent a clip or their friend was like, have you seen this thing from SNL? And they go, I don't watch SNL. Who's this? And they discovered him in that clip. I only wanted to say that this clip, this set doesn't represent who that guy is. Shane is, and there's a lot of people in our business who I would be like, I wouldn't say anything, but the reason I wouldn't say anything is 'cause I would be like, this guy's an asshole. He's a good guy and I just feel obligated, I just wanted to say that he's a really good guy, a really genuine dude, really genuine, authentic, grounded guy, a good friend, loves his parents, loves his family, loves his friends. And I know there's people who say that, see that clip and they go like, what an asshole or this guy's not funny. And I just wanted to tell you that that does not represent how funny that guy is. He's a legitimately very, very funny guy. And I feel bad that I don't think anyone ever wants to be caught. I know people are like, oh, he doesn't care, he's big, but it sucks to get like in the crosshairs of something like that. I know it wasn't his intention and I know that intention doesn't excuse what you, like if you're fired up about, like it doesn't excuse things. My point is essentially this, more than one thing can be true. People can be genuinely like upset or happy to have conversations that they feel like need to happen about women and their appearance or attire or how they're spoken to or misogyny. All these topics are like legit to talk about. Secondly, or with going with that statement I feel like concurrently I guess you can also say that this guy's a good guy. I really think it's important to say he's a good guy and he's a funny guy. He's a really funny guy. He's one of our best as far as somebody who can do so many things. He's a funny guy on stage. He's funny as an actor, as a sketch performer, as a podcaster, like he's just a really funny dude. And I don't think that that set represents how talented that guy is. He's just a really good dude and I hope, I don't know how he's going to choose to like navigate this or say he'll make his choices and he's a smart guy too. But I will tell you that that doesn't represent who that guy is and that's it. That's really what I wanted to say about it. Nice. Oh wow, Bert's doing-- I'm doing good real listening. It's fucking so boring. Yeah, well, I just thought that Bert had the one time to not speak was he was like, well, I won't get caught up at anything if I say nothing. For once, I will shut up. And it's just because I don't want to be in trouble. Cheers, that's great, Bert. This would be the one clip you never speak on. I agree with everything you said. I think it, you know, whatever. It's so funny how it's so funny what triggers someone's ears, the thing that I thought when I watched that clip was those pants that he's talking about. I know those pants and I love them and I try to get some for Liam and she wouldn't wear them. She was like, I'm not wearing those. And I was like, do you have such a great butt? Your butt's going to look amazing in these. I love those pants. And by the way, I got to tell you, if we were just looking at it from the sidelines, it's been quite an enjoyable week on social media because beautiful women are posting themselves almost naked, working out, and then calling themselves a whore. And also this funny thing too, that you always realize how the source of the statement or the joke has such huge impact. Like if, you know, that same exact sentence was said by a woman, people would be like, finally, someone sent, you know what I mean? Like the response would be different. If Steph Tollev or Nikki Glazer or Jessica Kirsson was out there saying this thing about going to the gym, women are wearing, it changes it entirely. It's like the same. You have to be like sometimes of the group to get away with saying the thing. Here's the lesson. Here's the takeaway. You can't talk about people who are looking to post every single day, OK? Yeah. Because this is what Pete Davidson and Shane Gillis have taught us. They went after a group of people who post every day. They're always looking to fill content. So when you go after them, you just gave them their week of content. And by the way, I don't really have the word whore never really slut. I was always the one and my was the bad word. You can't say slut. Whore was the broad stroke. So I'm tone deaf to all of it. I've been calling Leanna slut for years. Privately, I go, where's my slut? I love it. I love it. I call her bitch. I call her, I haven't called Leanna whore. There's this one experiment that would have been interesting, which is like, I wonder what would have happened if just that word had been used, like had been substituted for another word. Like, I just wonder if the same-- excuse me, the same firestorm. Like, you know what I mean? Results, if the word is substituted for another word, I wonder if it was like if that was a huge part-- Like if you said, flusy. - Just like have you seen, they really look like, I don't know, like even if he had described, like if he had been like, they really look like they're ready to. - But can I, can I get down? - If I pivot right here, here's the problem. Everyone's getting caught up on the fact that they think Shane just called women horrors. That's not what his joke is that he is caught looking at them in the back while they're filming. He is caught looking. His joke was Shane knew he's got a good ugly caught face where he goes like this. And so that was what he was just getting to that. And horror was like a placeholder to get there. - Yeah. - So like, - Nobody gets all the attention. It gets all the attention. - Yeah, it's a way to get there. - It's like you have that big N-word joke and everyone thinks like they go, oh he said, Bert said the N-word, but they don't think about the fact that what your jokes really about is like white. No, it's about how white people have behaved a certain way for generations. And it's like, oh Bert said the N-word. Let's talk about that. And they don't think about how you're saying, no, the white people are at. - Guys, I don't say the N-word. I've never said the N-word. Everyone in this room is black, Tom. Everyone in this room. Can you guys come over here for a second? Can you come over here a second? The whole room is black and you're saying this. And they're just like eyes, look at this. - Yeah. - He has a great N-word joke. - That doesn't make sense. - All right, thank you guys. - Okay. No, I think, you know. I'm sorry, I'm just, we can get back to your joke later. But the whole internet just popped off and you just saw Instagram became this, you know? Everyone being clapping for all my fellow, yeah. Poor is a little gym. - I love it. I love it. And I love it. I gotta be honest with you, man. I'm tone depth to all this. I don't have a problem with this or with her. And I'm sure that doesn't, like. - I think people really got excited to post. - This girl got lit up. This was the one. - I saw her in my feet a bunch because she was like, she was like one of the first ones to be like not the hottest woman to post. And then Shane's fans went after her. - Wow. - And we're like, "Not you, you're safe, you pig." - Like, it's so fun. I mean. (laughing) - The fans. (laughing) (laughing) (laughing) (screaming) - This boy girl! - Oh. - This boy girl! (laughing) - This boy girl! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. Yeah. (laughing) - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, my God. - Okay. There's a lot of kids. - It is funny. The amount of people who are just like, he's talking about all of us. Like, no, he wasn't talking about all of you. - He was very clearly describing a certain, okay. Well anyway. - I just wanna say, I love those pants. Let's not lose those pants. Don't lose those pants in this discussion. Those pants fucking rock. And I can get all women to wear those pants, including, and actually, I'm just talking to my wife. If I can get Leanne and a pair of those pants and write horror across her chest, and then tag Shane Gillis, I would fucking love that. That's what Leanne, I want Leanne to fucking protest this. Leanne thought, Leanne liked it. She was like, I didn't see a problem with it. But Leanne loves Shane. I love Shane. - I love him. - Look at the writer die for Shane. It's also, what are you gonna get from me? I'm fucking no in Shane forever. I love Shane. I texted him the second this all happened, and said, you know I always have your back. I was the writer die when he said the Asian shit. I was like, oh my God, look at these. Hold on. These are fucking incredible. - They're amazing. All right. Oh, I love those on the far left. That's the one I want Leanne to wear. - That one top left there. - Whoever fucking created those is a genius. - Yeah, those are amazing. - They're incredible. Can I tell you what really bummed me out about this was Shane's ex-girlfriend went after him. Really? There should be like an NDA when you date someone that like-- - Out over this stuff? - Yeah. She was like, do you have a cold? - Yeah, I got everything. - Do you want a tissue? - No. - It's gross to listen to. - No, I'm fine. - I think we're not fine. Could you get a tissue? - I hope this is better. (crashing) - Okay, that was-- - Not better? - A lot. - Yeah, thank you. - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you have thought about trying therapy with our long-time partner, BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide with the average copay for eligible members of just $23 per session. Let me tell you this. My name is Bert Chrysler, and I love the work I'm doing in therapy. I had a great conversation with my wife the other day because I was doing something we're talking about in therapy called Goodwill Listening. That's when you want to listen, but you really don't have the mindset 'cause you're going through your own shit, but you shut your own shit down and then you listen. And it's turning to real listening. I know I sound like a lunatic saying this, but if you're a lunatic also, maybe you need therapy like me. I am listening so good. We had the best 25 minute conversation. And it wasn't forced, it was authentic. It was like when we first started dating and I was trying to get her to fall in love with me. It's awesome. Therapy rocks. Therapy isn't just for the big life choices. It can be a place to talk through smaller things. The work situation, taking up too much, mental real estate, let me tell you something. If you're allowing work to take a mental real estate and you're not thinking about being present, that is not fair to you. A relationship dynamic that you can't quite name or simply something that feels off. If you've been waiting to start therapy, better help works with more than 125 health plan networks. And eligible members have an average copay of just $23 per session with insurance. You don't have insurance, don't live in the United States. You can still get 10% off your first month. Visit betterhelp.com/bears to explore your pavement options. That's better-h-e-l-p.com/bears. I think you all know by now there's nothing I love more than an opportunity to dunk on Bert. 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We're not gonna wheel him out and shoot him. - How much better would this live execution be? - What does that turn me out? - Just turn me out. - Yes. - You roll him, you roll him far as fuck away, right? And then they each take their shot. And they're like, he's still alive. And then you roll him five feet. You really kill this guy. - They roll up five feet closer. - They say he's like at two miles away. And he's like, is anybody out? And then the bullets just go, he's like, holy shit. - This just goes right by his head. He's like, you got me. I think I'm dying. Don't shoot again. - Oh, my after learning the four to, okay, scroll down. This is so fucking crazy. President Trump and his advisors are debating whether to call off the plans to live stream the firing squad execution of the Ford hood shooter with Trump having remarked privately that he did not initially know that Nadal Hassan was paralyzed from the waist down. The president was like, I just can't imagine him being like, he's like, they're like, he is paralyzed. And he's like, that's not good. I don't like that. [BLANK_AUDIO] He's got to be so much fun to be around on a daily basis. - Trump? - Oh my God. - So entertained. - It is cabinet just the case, he's paralyzed. Parallized? - Yeah. - Oh, then call it off. - Never mind, let's do it. - Even after Hegseth posted on X confirming that the Pentagon plan to last him the execution, Trump pulled several of his advisors and allies on how to proceed. It was during those conversations, he learned he was paralyzed, he was shot in the back by law enforcement during the 2009 shootout at Fort Hood, and he now uses a wheelchair which made showing the execution less palatable to the president. He's like, a guy in a chair just getting lit up by a fucking firing squad? I don't know. What do the polls say? Well, that is really surprising. I also did not know he was paralyzed and- - I didn't know. How paralyzed can he use his hands? He's, I think he has hand control, at least some, he's waist down paralyzed, he's not a quadriplegic. - They should. - Here's his ironic for me though. - Okay. - I was not into the idea of watching the live streaming execution, but I do think I'm curious about seeing a paralyzed guy get shot, you know? I do think I would have maybe turned into that. That's how I, I don't know. Yeah, I think it's more interesting. - I think what we do, and this is how we get out of our deficit, is we also paralyze him from the neck down, so we get rid of his arms, right? And then we rent him to people for like a week for a high price, and he's, and they can have this guy. So instead of him living the rest of his life, or getting executed and being put out of his misery, we force him to live a very unhappy life. - I like that. - Yeah, I like that a lot. - Yeah, I think it's a good idea that you can do, you can torture him if you want, and you can beat him. - Yeah, I mean, I don't believe this guy deserves to, I mean, the live stream was more a disgusting reflection on me and society, was that we were willing to watch it. And I wasn't, I wasn't like fired up to watch it. I was just like, I'm gonna, instead of being the guy, do you remember two girls one cup, when they're like, "Hey, sit down, I want you to see something." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - What is it, what is it? What is it, what the, what the fuck? - He's fucking a horse, and then, I don't want that. - I remember when I started, I showed my parents that, and like the reaction of them was just unbelievable. It was one of the best things I've ever done that, but those are fun moments, the surprise, you gotta see this. - Yeah. - But the surprise shows somebody an execution. - Oh, it's how fucking, how fun would that surprise is, you guys wanna see something really cool, and they roll this guy out, they're like, "Is he gonna learn to walk?" And you're like, "No, no, just keep walking." He's gonna get out of the wheelchair, shut the fuck up. And they're like, "No, no, no, what are those soldiers doing?" Oh my God, he came back from battle, and he's gonna walk to them, and you're like, "No, no, keep watching." - Keep watching. They killed him, like, "Oh, yeah, you didn't see this one." - You haven't seen this? Yeah, he was paralyzed, and then they just shot him, and killed him. - That's fucking, what a hot week in media. - The best dude, so much going on. Have you seen the new White House press secretary? - No, but I saw someone, no, I haven't. - I don't know what's happening, I mean, "Oh, yes I have, yes I have, yes I have." - Her speaking is what I'm talking about. - Oh, I have seen this. She's fucking awesome. - It's, I love it. - I love it. - Her press conference, she had trouble read. I guess it's nerve-wracking, that makes sense. I'm not saying this. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop right there, it does not make sense. It does not make sense. She has press secretary. That's not, I'm not disqualifying that I love her. - No, no, I was saying, nerves make sense on day one. I was saying, it makes sense to be nervous, to be like, I speak in the West Wing, but like, just check out some of this shit. Just watch. - I wanna see it, I wanna see it. - I am so honored to work for President Trump and the American people as a new White House press secretary. - That's cool. - I want to thank President Trump for his trust that he has placed in me. I have wanted to work for him for a very long time. - She's very nervous. - Is she American? - I'm looking forward to working with each of you as well. Especially as we are in the middle of the midterm blitz, with energy and excitement, never seen before in the history of midterms thanks to President Trump. - It's. Just look no further than last night in Youngstown, Ohio, where President Trump took another blockbuster rally out on the trail. The arena was overflowing with enthusiasm. - Like, she's struggling to read these. - What's her name? I wanna find her on Instagram. I guarantee you she got a picture. - Zachariah. - With a K? - Yeah, with a K, yeah, KDF. - Yeah, KD Zachariah. I guarantee you she's got a picture of her and workout outfits. - Oh boy. - I guarantee it. - I guarantee it. I guarantee it. KD Zachariah, KD Zachariah. Give me a fucking workout picture. I see you, you're an elevator. You're not too far off, KD Zachariah. Let's go to early KD Zachariah. You on the beach, nope. Here we go. Here we go. A lot of politics, a lot of politics. KD, where are you in the gym? - No, she's. - One picture of you in the gym. - She's, look man. - She's beautiful woman. - Oh, I got her. I got her. Boom, baby. I love it. Our press secretary is all, oh my God. (laughing) Oh my God. (laughing) - You can't do this, KD. This triggers us, KD. Here's another one. Jesus Christ. This doesn't happen and I ran. - Look at that. - Yeah. - Fucking I love you, KD. I am team KD, top to bottom. - Are you? - I am fucking here for it. Yes, I love this, dude. I love this, chick. Not great at public speaking. Post gym outfits. I love her, Katie Zachariah. My name's Bert Kreyser and I have your back. - There you go. - I knew it, I knew it. - You're not here. - Who's our old press secretary? Was it Kondi? - Kondi? - Kondi, that's what I call her. Kondali's a rice. - Kondali's a rice was, no. - What was she? - Caroline Levitt was the last. - What was Kondali's a rice? - Kondali's a rice. - Yes, mother fucker in America. - Was a, not a press secretary. She was a secretary of state. - Wow. Can you tell you a great Kondali's a rice story? - Oh. - Do you have a Kondali's a rice story? - I love this. I read a book about 9/11. On 9/11, shit goes down, right? They're like, yo, we got a lot of shit down. We're gonna give everyone five minutes to get your shit in order, call your families, make sure everyone's safe, and then we're meeting in the go room. Like that under the country, under the thing in the board room to figure out what our next steps are. The guy that was telling this, I think it was maybe let's take change or something. Says he gets down there in Kondali's a rice that's already sitting at the table. And then like, Kondi, do you wanna real quick? Do you wanna take care of anything? And she goes, no, everyone I love is dead. Let's get to work. - Fuck yeah, Kondi. I fucking love Kondali's rice. I love George Bush. I love Kondali's rice. I'm telling you, man. I love Barack Obama, I love Bill Clinton, but Kondali's rice is my motherfucker. If I could get a Kondali's rice shirt. - Really? - I love Kondali's rice. I don't know why. I think because I really love George Bush Jr. I loved him. I just gotta kick out of him, you know what? I don't follow politics. But the fact, the day I fell in love with him was the day there's a great video of him walking through the United Nations saying, what's up to everyone? And he doesn't know anyone's name. And he's like, what's up, big dog. And he's like, chief, how are we doing, Captain? Hey, keep them outside, hey. - You've seen the clip of him where he's on the golf course. And I forget what question he answers. - The first, I got a crush just drive. - He's like, now watch this drive, yeah. - I fucking love it. - That shit is so funny dude. - I did it to stop the terror. - The terror. - All nations, do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. - Thank you. Now watch this drive. - Crushes it, and he stripes it. - If there's anything I can get behind, it's streamlined service. Whether it's a coffee shop or the guy who details my car, I've noticed all the places I keep coming back to are all using square. It's so simple, it makes it easier to just pull it up, you save your info. Square gives small businesses a system to run so smooth, you don't even notice it's a small business. 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Well, keep my dad hated him. Yeah, a lot of people hated him and then the war changed it but then time has helped him. Time and the current administration has made people go, you know, that guy was not ready that like, you know what I mean? Everybody used to say like is there anybody dummer than this guy? That was the thing. They were like this guy is dummer than a box of sand and then Trump came in office and they were like, oh, maybe that guy was like an MIT physics professor because no one is dummer than this guy. It's just the craziest thing that perspective really changes over time. What's crazy, this is what I love about George W. Bush, Jr., he gives worthers to Michelle Obama. I think they go to like big events. Well, they're all at least like have. Thrall friends. Well, they have human, like they have decency. Like those people all have some level of decency and they're, yeah, that's where it turns out to be. His dad's one of the baddest motherfuckers ever built. I mean, his dad is. A.S.W.D. Dude, don't get me started about, they don't make Americans like that. Now, I understand politically you're gonna get upset or whatever that, and that's someone I'm talking about. He signed up in World War II. We're talking planes were just kind of invented. And he signed up in World War II to do dive bomb missions in Japan and then when he landed, they would give him one shot of whiskey to calm his nerves. That's it. And he did all those dive bomb missions over in Japan. That, I mean, and then came back CIA or FBI or whatever. Well, you know, he ran the CIA, dude. Yeah, he was also what ambassador to China. He was, yeah, pretty high level stuff, man. I think the older I get, the more. The less political sides you're all in matter to me, and just like the worth of that man. Like, sort of, there's people that, you know, dislike Winston Churchill, fucking love the guy. Love the guy. But you love him personally. I like Napoleon. I like, I like Genghis Khan. Like, I'm a fan of him. You know, like, didn't you buy Napoleon's incredible? Really? Incredible. I bought Napoleon's scent and it's incredible. It's like a, it's a very Florida. Where did you do it? Where was it in France? You were in Paris? In Paris. And we walked into this old beauty shop in Le Angos. This is like the highest-end beauty shop. You know, Leanne has got a real pretty woman-esque tour. Or dare I say Kelly Clarkson's tour. And she's, she just walks in and she goes, "Well, I don't know nothing about what's in here." And they're like, they're like, "Please leave, please, remember, leave the store, please." "Please leave, leave, I can smell you from here." And they're like, and then someone was like, "Oh my gosh, are you dead machine?" And I went, "I am." And he goes, "Are you with this, this female-minded peasant?" And I said, "I am, that's my wife." And they went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, come in. The store is open to you." And then Leanne was doing her business and I said, "This is a community center doing a clone." And I was like, "No, I don't really wear clones." And they're like, "Really?" And they're like, "You know, we're one of the oldest things in France." And I go, "Yeah, do you guys have Napoleon's clone?" Just joking. 'Cause I wanted to see where they beheaded Maria into a net like that I was in Paris. I wanted to see, I guess that happened in Germany. But anyway, I didn't follow through. And so, so I, they were like, "Yeah, we have Napoleon's clone." And I went, "Are you serious?" And they're like, "It's right here." I smelled it, I fucking loved it. I loved it. - It's awesome. - Napoleon was a bad mother fucker. - Yeah? - Yeah, he was. I mean, and by the way, I gotta say, not that small for the time. I mean, they were all pretty short. - Right. - What was he like, five, seven or something? - Yeah. - It's more shorter. - Five, I think shorter, I think. How cruel, how cruel, how cruel? - How cruel. - Our press secretary is fucking hot. - Yeah, she looks good, man. - She's beautiful. I'm gonna have like this and follow her. - She's a-- - I'm gonna direct a messenger. Should I message her? - She was five, six to five, seven, it said. - Five, six, five, seven. That's Tony Hinchcliff's site. Tony Hinchcliff's just catching some flares today, huh? - Today? - Yeah, for me, I'm lighting them up, okay. I got him on my mind. I just followed her and DMed her. I was like, "Hey, would you like come on my podcast?" (laughing) - I don't know, like, it was, it's weird that she's the press secretary. Like, I'm saying with her speaking skills, like, was she a broadcaster before this? Is that what she did? - No, I think she's just political and beautiful. - Can you, can you look at that, guys? Like, is that on a, is that her background? I don't understand. Her career, she was depart, so it was the deputy assistant secretary for public affairs. She worked as like-- - She went to Pepperdine? - She worked as a commentator for Newsmax. - Oh boy. She failed the California bar exam before moving to China with her husband. When they asked her, yeah, that was the big news, it was like, they were like, when did you, where did you pass the bar? And she replied, when I moved to China, she subsequently said that because of the noise coming from the helicopter, she misheard the question, where were you after law school? The bar exam in mainland China is reserved for Chinese citizens. She is not Chinese. I don't know that she passed the bar exam anywhere in the United States. She, they subsequently confirmed that she had failed the bar exam and was not a practicing lawyer. Despite her not practicing attorney, she has repeatedly referred to herself as a lawyer during her appearances on Fox News and on social media. - Like this, like a lawyer? - Yeah, I'm a lawyer, yeah. - And I'm an athlete. - Yeah, that's really cool. - I'm not an alcoholic, okay. - I like this game. - You like this game? - Tom's not racist. - That's really cool. That's cool. She was, okay, this is gonna be, I think this is gonna be short-lived, Bert. - You think? - I don't think this is gonna last. - I'll hire. - I think she will be press secretary for under six months, maybe under three. - Do we change? - I thought once you got, that was like a life term. - No, no. No, no. I think this is gonna be one of those real quick shifts here. - Yeah, she's gonna be out of places. - Very exciting though. That's okay, you can pull that then. - Oh, there you go, Bert, I love her. - That's our press secretary. - I know, yeah, fuck yeah. Look at her, I love this. That's the one I fucking liked. - That's the one you liked, yeah. - Look at her. - She's great. - Okay. - I wouldn't be shocked if, I mean, what are we doing anyway? It's like, what does a press secretary do? They get up and they go like, - Well, they had a lot of phone calls today and I patched them through. - They're the connection between the administration and the media. So they're the mouthpiece for the administration. Yeah, you have to be, the good ones are very savvy at handling the questions. They're also super well informed, they're very articulate, but yeah, I don't know what-- - Wasn't the guy from Harold Kumar, a press secretary? - The guy from Harold and Kumar? - Yeah, wasn't that a guy from a press secretary, the Indian guy? - For Asian, rather. - He was a White House staffer, it says, I don't know. - How do I get in the White House? I think it's actually achievable. - You, yeah, if I just talk positive about Trump, I'm gonna get in the White House. - I think you can get in the Oval Office. I think you can get there in a very short amount of time. If that's a goal of yours, which feels like it is, I think you could really easily pull that off. - We're living in a fever dream right now. So like, if anything was ever gonna be achievable, it's right now, like we're gonna go back to regular life in like, when's the next election in four years? - Oh my God, when's the next election in four years? Did we just elect the president? - I don't know, in one year? - In one year? - In one year? - Yeah. - In two years. - No, no, like, the election will be in 27 for 28, yeah. - Okay, so we got one year left to this. - Yeah. - As I listen, our parents are on vacation at Sunday. Are we really just gonna clean the house? Let's fucking throw a rager in a pool party and then just when they come home, they're gonna yell at us anyway. They have nescams, they know we've been partying. We might as well just all clean it up on Sunday and just party balls Sunday. And do what we're gonna do, cut our hair and then our parents come home and yell at us and then be like, fuck, now we all gonna clean it up together. - Yeah, do this, yeah. - Blow it up. I think why don't you do like some super mega post and like have it, it'll go viral. - No, but it will. - And then just have your reps reach out to the White House and be like, Bert wants to come to the White House and do a speech and like meet the president and talk about how great he is. And I'm sure Trump will be like, come on over. - Napar Gossi actually got into the White House. - When he went there? - He got into it. - Because he was invited. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he was invited to, I mean, if they can get it into the White House, I can definitely get into the Oval Office. - I think you definitely can. - Here's the question. - What a cool goal. - Yeah. - It's gonna be a lot of pushback for my family. - Really? - Oh, well, my side. - What do you mean? - Maybe inside would be pretty fired up. - Oh, you think the Christchurch? - My dad would fucking, my dad, when he saw a picture of one of our friends, not broken. But one of our friends with Trump, my dad said to me very clearly, buddy, you're not to like take a picture with him. And I was like, I got it. He was like, I'm, I didn't, I look, if there's anything I've learned in therapy, it's everything about me is about approval for my fucking father. So, oh my God. (laughing) - That's deadly accurate, that's wild. That's so good, that's so good. Holy shit. - We're watching my wearing. - That's fucking great, man. - Oh my God. That's, God damn it. That looks, that's so fucking. (laughing) You know, do you ever feel like this podcast does more worse for us than good in our careers? (laughing) - That's so good, dude. - You would be like that. You would be like, oh, like mouth open. (laughing) Hey, Bert, what if President Trump was like, take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. - Dude, I don't have, I don't, I'm a Billy Busher. Like, I'm a, I'm a, I am. When I met Billy Bush, I actually gave him a hug and said I understand everything you went through because I am you. I am a glad-handing smile, not question it. Sure thing, I'm not a push-back guy, at all. - What do you think that's all about that people please don't know? - 'Cause I want people like me and it sucks, it sucks. And I actually was getting a glass of champagne and there was this older black woman. She saw me on Instagram. She goes, yeah, I just got rid of mine. And I was like, yeah, she was like, yeah, I can't let people fucking tell me I'm fat. And I was like, yeah. She goes, it doesn't matter what people say about you. It's how you feel about yourself. And I said, what if how you feel about yourself is based on what people say about you? She goes, look to me, she goes, honey, you're fucked. And just walked away. (laughing) But I mean, like, here's the thing that I gotta call bullshit on for every one of us. Is we would not be on stage performing comedy if we didn't care what people thought. I mean, there was, yeah, yeah. Very, very few of us. And, and I, and you can tell the guys who do it, they care, like I guarantee you, and I, you know, I'm a writer, die for Shane. And I'm just saying that, I'm just doing this to humanize the man. Is, I guarantee you, he's a little upset that everyone took that one joke and ran with it and it's polarizing people. He, Shane's not a like, fuck everyone kind of guy. Shane is a, let's have a good time guy. Let's all have a beer. Let's, he texts me very like thoughtful, sensitive things, you know, like, and so, because he ultimately, like us, is looking for the approval of an audience. And, and even Joe Rogan, who I think could care less what one human being thinks about him, he will, I can promise you this, change his words on stage if it doesn't get a laugh. If it doesn't get a laugh, he will edit those words so that they are appeasable enough for a laugh. That is the job of a comedian. And, and yeah, I just, I don't know, I wish I could get rid of it, man. I really wish I could. - Me more fun. - And I'm like, I'm so much therapy right now. I was sitting next to a woman on a plane. I shouldn't tell you this story. I shouldn't say this out loud, but I will because, you know, so I was sitting next to a woman on a plane. She goes, what do you do for a living at some comedian? This is very recent talk. - Yeah. - This is like, two weeks ago. She goes, oh, really? What's your name? And I said, "Burt Chrysher." She goes, "Are you on YouTube?" And I said, "I am." And she typed in, "Burt Chrysher." And then she flipped it around and it was a picture of me. And it was like, and it was a really bad picture of me. It was like the most hated man on the internet. And I obviously it's, you know, it's a, not a fan, but the opposite of a fan video of me, I hate me. And so he does videos about me. I don't, I didn't see it. I haven't watched it. And then she looked at me and goes, "What did you do?" And I was like, nothing. And I couldn't say there were nothing, nothing. I did absolutely, I was just trying to make people like me. And then some people just based on me, wanting people to like me, don't like that about me that I want people to like me, or maybe they can't identify with that in within themselves. So they make video. And I also wanted to be like, look, there's a whole arm of the internet that just wants views. And they don't really care if it damages your life. They just want views. There are people that want, I mean, they don't care. It's like, they're real like the, and I say the word troll, I don't mean it bad, but the real essence of a troll is they enjoy watching the chaos. They enjoy throwing the Molotov cocktail into a mall and watching people run. And I just was like, and I sat next to this woman on the plane and she didn't speak to me again the whole flight. And she was like, because she has no frame of reference. She's not going to watch it and go, wow, it seems like they just pulled clips of you from a podcast and that they didn't really represent you. She didn't do any of that. She just was like, wow. And I was like, this is cool. Damn, let's say next time, what do you do for living? I'm a fucking abortion doctor. Yeah, my name is Burr Christ, you're Google it. No one would believe you're a doctor, ever. No one. No one. But yeah, I know what you're saying, man. I know that that that arm of the internet is rough and nobody, no one like goes, oh, I enjoy being the subject of one of these videos about like, no, no. I know, but what can you do? Like what can you do? Nothing. And the truth is, you said it is, the other part of me is also it's like, you know, there's a part of me that goes, those people that make those videos are pretty talented. They make great videos, they get lots of views. I don't wanna, I don't, if that's how you make your rent, I don't wanna like, look if I'm a thing that you can make rent off of, and I'm making rent, I make pretty good rent, and it's not affecting my life, I mean, other than an awkward, and then I have to so be it. I haven't, I've never done a video strike, I've never asked anyone to take anything down, and there are some really horrible things out there, and you just gotta go, I know, I know. Yeah, I know. No, I know, man, I totally get what you're saying. I really do, it's just, you know, all you can do in that situation, I think, is just keep living the way you wanna live, and care about like what your family and friends think of you. Like that's really good. Yeah, and by the way, I also, I create every day, and I take things on stage, and I have a very lucrative career, and I have a very happy life, I mean, I really do. If you keep that shit out of your lane, it's like, look, I guess there's people that like, I guess there's a teacher at a middle school that all the kids call him gay behind his back, and you know, and he's gotta deal with that. Everyone's got their fucking thing, and the more famous you get, the bigger they get, and you gotta fucking deal with it. And if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. Look, if you can't deal with it, get the fuck out. That's it, and I'm still here, I can deal with it. There you go. And, you know, to put things in perspective, I guess the Pope has cancer. What? That's what I just heard. The American Pope has cancer? I know, what a bummer, man. We got an American there. Are you fucking gay? What's the, what's the details on this? Is it like, he's got lung cancer, and he's successfully underwent surgery to remove a malignant tumor. Oh, okay. Well, he's recovering in the hospital. All the best prayers up to the Pope. That's, I don't know, I'll be praying for Monday. Yeah. What's his name? Pope Frank or something? Pope Leo? Pope Leo, yeah. Leo, yeah. That's Pope Leo. From Chicago, he's a White Sox fan, right? He is, he's a White Sox fan. I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th at the Chicago Theater. I'll be doing a, I'll be doing a moment of silence for our Pope. I love what? I'm doing what? Nothing, I'm just fucking around. I'll be in Chicago November 6th and 7th. Oh, nice, okay. I've never heard that, yeah. Right, I actually turned 54. Yep, 54, best shape of my life. I'm a fucking, I got it this morning, ran three miles, lifted weights, no one in the gym with me. I just fucking destroyed. And then I took some awesome pictures of me. Yeah. And then one of the maintenance guys saw me taking a picture of myself and he just laughed. He did? He laughed. What are you doing? He elevator door open and I was, I was standing. I'll show you the fucking picture, Tom. I was standing. and with my phone like this and it was good, it was good lighting on my arm. It was really good lighting on my arm. And yeah, look at the picture. This is the picture. - And the maintenance guy saw that. - And the maintenance guy saw me doing that. And he was, and the elevator door just opened and I'm right there doing it and he went (laughs) and then the door's just closed and I went, "Fuck!" - Yeah, this is a great lighting on my arm, I'll post it. - He's like, "Man, I just saw this fucking 62-year-old guy taking a photo of himself in the mirror." - Can I tell you what? - 62 by ass, I fucking, I bet he was like, God damn it, I wish I was young again. Can I tell you what I've been doing Tom, which I fucking love? I've been doing adventure runs. - Adventure runs? - Adventure runs. - What's an adventure run? So what I do is I pick landmarks in this city that I wanna see and then I jog to them. And now I've been doing it on the road with the crew. I make everyone, I started realizing, I talked about this, I did one of those videos where a guy walks by you on the road and then goes, "Hey, can I ask you what you do for a living?" - Yeah. - I've always wanted to do one and then I did one. And I was like, "Oh, I wish I had answered differently." - Oh yeah, I know this guy. I've seen these before. - It caught me off guard. I was buying James Perth shirts in the village. - You were on your way, were you like that was James Perth? - You were soho? - I was in the West Village. - In the West Village? - Okay. - I was gonna buy a leather carry on bag to put a pillow in for Europe and there's a James Perth store. I was like, "I'm gonna grab some shirts and a tracksuit to fly in." And I ran into this guy and he just caught me off guard and I did not do it right. I mean, I did it right, I did it right, but I wish I had a second shot at it. - Let's see, let's see. You're just walking down the street? - Yeah. - Excuse me, sir, excuse me. I love the outfit, what are you? - I love that outfit? - Anybody have a chance? - Yeah. - My name is Con, what are you up for living? - I'm a comedian. - Really? - Yeah. - What's your name? - My name is Bert Kreyser. - Bert, Con, nice to meet you. What's your favorite part of your job? - My favorite part of my job? (laughs) - Yeah, the comedian doesn't cover it all. I got a podcast, I got a vodka, I got a TV show, I got a tour. I got a 5K, I got a cruise. - Really? - Well, you can't just be a comedian either, this job has changed. But I would have definitely mentioned you. - I would have definitely mentioned you. - The comedian without a doubt, is the moment right before you figure out a joke, the time you're on stage, where you haven't figured out quite yet, but you know the next time you're on stage, you've got it. - Yeah, that's no idea what you're talking about. - You know what I want to ask you? - No, no, no. I feel like, what do you feel like you're missing your life right now? I feel like when people here, I feel like, like, comedian. (laughs) - I wish I had never said this. I felt so, I feel so vulnerable from saying this because I was just thinking about this. - I was talking to Leanne about this. - I know. - You're catching me at the right time. I'm in a lot of therapy right now. - Okay. - Friends. - Yeah. - Friends. - Why is that? - You know, you get so focused on work, and at a certain point it's all family, and then you go out on a tour, and you don't have a regular life where it's like five o'clock and everyone goes and meets for drinks. So you know, let's go see a movie here. You want to go for a bike ride or we're training for a triathlon. You're on tour and a tour bus with people you pay and other comics. - What are you doing? - Thank you, man. Thank you. - Oh, well, you're someone, who are you? - Yeah. - I'm a comedian. - Yeah, I perform shirtless. - So yeah, so I think, you know, that's my wife and I are working on expanding our friends. I have a lot of like, I have a lot of chat groups, you know, like text groups that we all keep in touch with, but comedians we're like lone wolves. We all go off on our different directions and then, you know, see each other sometimes at the club. But friends. Friends. - The most important. - Friends is the most important thing. I guess, let me ask you one more question. How do you want me to remember? - Oh, that's a big one for you. - No, I wish I fucked it up. - Yeah, fuck it up. - Listen, if I get remembered at home, that's all that matters. - Wow. - If I get remembered at all, if anyone ever remembers me and goes, like, God damn, that hurt was a good time. I did my job. I did my job. - I fucked it up, Tom. I have different answers. - Well, I feel like the real bring us to that question is like, how do I want to be remembered? I want to be 50,000 people at my funeral. And I want them to talk about how amazing I was. - I want to be. - Tom, fucking big as a party. Yeah. - I would say, I want to be remembered the way they remembered. France, Ferdinand, Suns wedding. They celebrated for one month and they drank until the fucking fields were dry. - You should have said. - I called it overfest. I want to be remembered. - Have you seen, like, Kim Jong Il's funeral procession? Like, that's what I want. - Yes. - But people fake crying because they're afraid there's a camera on them and they'll be hunted down by the fucking state police. - That's it. - This is the answer I wish I had said. - This is the way that, also just like the way that these internet interview, like, it's so funny that somebody says to you and he goes, oh, he goes, you're someone. Who are you? It's like, you're in the middle of the interview, man. Like, you already asked them. Who are you? - I wish I had said, what do you do for living? I just would have said comedian dropped it there. I would never said anything else. I would have been funny. I would have said, having an assistant, making money, standing ovation, buying watches, flying private, I would have made it too. - This is very endearing, Bert. This is very endearing. Yeah, this is a good interview. - What is life missing? I would have said, I don't know. I just, like, I caught me off guard and then everyone's texted me, like, I'll be your friend. And I'm like, and I'm like, and then friends texted me, like, dude, are we cool? I'm like, we're God. - I think it's a good, I think that's a really good interview. I think it, it seems like very sincere. It seemed like a very sincere clip. - Did you ever see Chris, they, he got Chris, the Stefano one time. - Yeah, I've seen that. He's like, I'm a gay man. Just being gay. - He goes, what do you do for a living? I paled ass. - Yeah, he's like, okay. He's also, this guy is like, he's, clearly, he's from another part of the world. And he has no frame of reference, I think, for, even like, I've seen him stop, like, well-known actors. And he's like, what do you do? What's your name? And they're like, uh, J-Lo. And he's like. - Willem Defoe. - Yeah, Willem Defoe. And then he's like, what's favorite part of your job? And they're like, it's just like, it's, it's kind of endearing that he doesn't know, but it's also like, he seems like way off on some of these things too. - Yeah, I, who are you? Why people know you? You're someone? Yeah, what the fuck, man? - I would fucking, I, uh, I, I want to celebrate Chris the Stefano for a second. - Yeah. - He is my, he might be my favorite human being alive. - Nice. - He, he did, he did an episode with Rachel Ray for "Something's Burning." And you know, it's so funny is like, she wanted to be with a comic. And I know comics so well. And I know certain types of comics. And I, and I feel like I'm pretty well versed in comics. You know, like, how they interact with people. And I said to myself, I need someone who's a little like myself. - Yeah. - Who will want Rachel to like him. So like, it, 'cause if, if Rachel, I say, you know, and I, I would say this to Rachel, but you know, Rachel's a very busy woman. But there's two types of Rachel you can get. You can get a packed Rachel with a packed schedule where she has five minutes and she'll give you 15. But it, it's like, let's go. Let's make this happen. And then you get the Rachel sometimes that is like, you got me for the day. And we got the Rachel that was there for the day. And she was very, she was like, we opened a bottle of white wine. But like, she didn't know Chris. And Chris the Stefano is so charming. So charming. And that, and Rachel, when she came in, you know, and she's a comic, she was making jokes. And, you know, she's like, doesn't know how to take it. Within one hour, I swear to God, Tom. She invited him, him and his wife to her house in Tuscany. Chris, just Stefano, I'm not surprised. Fucking incredible. I'm not surprised. He is the, you're right. He's the most charming and also genuinely funny guy. Like, I laugh every time. We message each other about 10 times a week. And it's mostly, I'll just be honest, it's mostly homosexual content. And we do a lot of role-playing. But that guy makes me laugh. So every clip that I see of him either onstage or doing a podcast, I watch. 'Cause like, he just, he always makes me smile, if not laugh, so hard. I think he, we, I was with Janice. And I was like, who do you think could start a cult like for real? And he was like, oh, people would follow Chris. I was like, yeah, you're right, they would, they would follow him. Yeah, dude, I gotta, I gotta also, 'Cause I'm gonna say a compliment, I'm gonna backhand a compliment and then finish compliment. 'Cause my option was maybe Mark Norman. And I was like, Mark is not, and I love Mark, and he's very charming. But there's a part of Mark that the joke is always more important than everything else. Yeah, yeah. And so I was like, I can't bring Mark and Rachel together because he's gonna like, he'll be like, if he starts losing, he'll start punching. And I was like, okay, and then Mark said, I said, but I wanna do a, I love Mark, so I was like, let's do an episode. And he said, I wanna do it with Keith Robinson. And I, I'm gonna be honest. For a second, I was like, you know, Keith's had four strokes. I'm not sure that's gonna be the best conversation. Dude, it was incredible. It was, and Mark was so wise, 'cause he goes, I wanna do it with Keith. Keith is like, he's gonna be great. And Keith was funny and he was insightful and I forgot. He's been doing it. and stand up since 1985. - Damn. - He has seen everything. He has seen everyone. He knows everyone. He knows everything. I mean, I was, it was such a great fucking episode. That's definitely not Keith Robbins. - Well, no, there's Keith is on there too. That is Keith. - Jesus Christ. - Yeah, there's just two Keats sometimes. - Oh yeah, there's a couple of Keith Robbins. - Yeah. - And then I did one with the basement yard. And the basement yard, Tom, is, I'll say this and no one will, everyone will be like, they're much safer than us. Like they definitely don't say crazy shit that needs the camera off them and then bleeped out to get it said to make each other like they're safer, but they are young and they're not comics. So everything they say is just to make each other laugh and they love each other. And it reminded me so much. I've been listening to their episodes. It reminded me so much of when we were in the pandemic that we started this and we weren't doing stand-up. We were just burning any material on the podcast and all. And by the way, we didn't have anyone to talk to. So it was just me and you, showing up once a week and that was the one person you got to see in person. And they were a great episode. But then I tried to, like, you tried to get, they're not getting in trouble. Like, they're not gonna say anything that can be clipped out and then, you know, fuck with their lives. - Sure, sure, sure. That's cool. I wish I had less of that. I wish I had fucking, what is wrong with me? That, like, I say things that I go, that out of context, I look like a fucking idiot, but I'm doing it to make everyone laugh. I'm fucking, I gotta stop. - No, I'm just gonna- - No, you're good, you do what you do, man. You do it well. I think you should keep doing what you do. I think you should push forward no matter what people say, you know? And you can listen when you find a moment that you go, I'm gonna be introspective. And if you think there's validity to what someone is saying, whether it's from the outside or close to you, you examine that. But I think you're on a good path, man. - I feel really good. I've been working out every day. I've been sick, but I've been working out, and I've been working hard. And I got a crazy brother out of me. - Yeah, you do. Make sure you take, get your rest, bro. Get some rest. Oh, last thing. Have you seen the Zuckerberg Guinness video? You're the first person I thought of. - No. Just keep your eyes on Zuck the whole time. Watch, he's gonna have a, he's gonna have a. - I was actually talking about this at dinner yesterday. My favorite thing is I have my muse, whose name is Euler, constantly source, increasingly obscure teas from increasingly. - What the fuck can he just do? - Wait, he definitely doesn't like that. He was like, what's this like? - Well, let's play that again. It's like he sucked a cock and let it swallow. - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Look out and then he's like. - Shot, what? - That's his side. That's gotta be his first Guinness. It has to be. It's gotta be the first time he's ever had it. And he's, he doesn't wanna, he's like this. People like this. He's, he's also, I think this is not new. He's socially awkward, right? Socially uncomfortable as shit. - I will tell you, I don't think so. - No? - No, I met him. We were at a UFC fight. And he came up and he said hi to me. And I was like, I couldn't believe he knew who I was. But then I was like, I guess he's probably on social media a lot. I must have come through his feed. - Yeah. - And I asked him about the watch he was wearing. And he was very casual, very fun. It was me, him, Theo Von and Andrew Tate. And we all were just chatting about like little things. No, I'm kidding. No, but he was very, he was very casual and very cool. I introduced him to Leanne. And he, yeah, he was, and so what was the watch? - It must have been insane, right? - It was a million dollar watch. - Yeah. - It was a million dollar watch on his wrist. And by the way, I didn't care for it. - Oh, you didn't, I got it. - It's one of the kinds you like where there's a lot of complications to it. And it doesn't sparkle and it's got a leather band. And I'm like, what do we get, shower in that fucking thing? What are we doing? - Yeah, no, I got you. I've got something you can shower in, Tom. - What you got there? What is it? - I don't even know, I just threw it on. - I don't even know. I just-- - Skydweller. - Skydweller. - That's nice, bro. - Yeah. - I'm going to London and they rob you for watches over there. - Maybe you fucking-- - Yeah. - You're gonna be slick. I'll be getting out by the time this airs. You won't even know I was in London. You'll never even know I was in fucking London. - Maybe you-- - I'll be like, I'll be like, that goddamn, there we go. That was me in Zuckerberg. - So what fight was that? That was, do you remember who fought that night? - I don't remember, I don't remember. - That's awesome, that's awesome, dude. That's so cool. That is cool, dude. I'm happy for you. Look at that. (laughs) You realize like everyone would be like, oh yeah, that's, that's one verb meant, like no one's gonna doubt that. - No one's doubting that that's not me. - No, it's cool. Your hair looks good. It's all I look at is my hair looks pretty fucking good. - Yeah, hair looks pretty good. And you're like, it's totally a burt expression. You look good, man. All right, well, we gotta, we gotta wrap this up. You gotta do a bunch of stuff. I gotta get out of here. This was fun. I love you. - This is a great fucking episode, I love you too. - Stay safe. Keep your watch in your bag. We'll see you guys next week. ♪ I'm a burt, I'm time, I'm a burt ♪ ♪ One goes top and swap the other, where's the shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and burts the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call, two, there's one cave ♪