093. Shane Gillis, Nate Bargatze, Aaron Weber | Panic

hey guys go right now and check out my road dates at big j comedy.com the greatest yapper live tour happening right now with dates coming up you can catch me at the comedy mothership um new york comedy club in stanford connecticut spokane washington minneapolis minnesota buffalo new york look for a city near you it never ends over at big j comedy.com and check me out on the road on the rattle me this tour this weekend i'll be in fort myers florida after that i'm in springfield missouri tulsa oklahoma oklahoma city rosemont illinois and chicago go to my website lewisofskanks.com and grab tickets to see me on the road all right let's start the show fill her up you're listening to the gas digital network ladies and gentlemen live from nashville comedy festival it's story wars with the story warriors big j okerson and lewis j gomez what is up nashville comedy festival welcome to the show make some noise in here please holy shit sold out shit and we're here for the show second night here at the nashville comedy festival we're excited to be here look at it look at this fucking crowd what a crowd guys i see some familiar faces that were here last night like this guy right here yeah the one ethnic guy the one brown person oh surprise we recognize the one ethnic guy came back thank you sir for flavoring up this audience uh how many people here are familiar with the game story wars yeah yeah yeah and who is not familiar with the game story wars get out you pieces of shit piece of shit this isn't for you it's our secret down here it's our time we're never going to be as famous as kill tony if we treat our new fans like this i've been saying that for months i like you just came to it now yourself you probably shouldn't boo new people and maybe embrace the fact that we'll get new fans huh if you're not familiar with the game it's your first time watching uh we will absolutely fill you in on how the game works after we get our amazing amazing panel up here uh our first contestant with a score of zero and zero he's never been never been on the show never been on the show first time ever on the show he is currently on tour make some noise for the hilarious aaron weber aaron very happy to have you on story wars how have you been preparing for this amazing opportunity i'm a huge fan of the show i'm a huge fan of everybody on the show tonight so this is a big deal for me just to be on this stage i'm trying to figure out the chair behind me but other than that yeah i'm having a hard time myself i will say this i'm glad you brought me out first just because i know who the i know who the lineup is so i'm pretty excited yeah it's a great lineup thanks for uh thanks for being a part of it he finally sat down guys we did it we're we're off to the races now that was the longest we've ever had to vamp for someone to sit down i don't mind that i don't mind that our second competitor has been on story wars in the past oh and one is his record he's got a movie in theaters may 29th called breadwinner put your hands together for the one and only nate barkazi nate thank you for being here tonight i said the crowd wouldn't recognize nate's gotten so famous that he doesn't care he's like i'll associate with these psychopaths i was on i was on legion of skinks i know the these are terrible ideas i know where's your agent i'm the edgiest person up here because what i'm doing and being associated with youtube true couldn't be more edgier yeah yeah you're right we're hacks well thank you for being here i do church shows then i come here super churches yeah i'm a church guy dude oh dude you really are you're a couple million dollars away from being able to touch a black person back to life hell yes uh last but not least our final contestant has been on the show before he is a returning story warrior with a one and two record uh currently wrapping production on his show tires make some noise for shane gillis all this this energy there was a guy last night after the show we had a great show here last night and uh and it was it was i'll say it was a great show if you only got tickets for last night's show and not tonight's show you're gonna be bummed out well so this guy comes up to me and he goes man that was a great show he goes man that's gonna really suck if tomorrow shane gillis is on and i went i went like this i went come on man you can't live your life like that how much fun did you have tonight my man holy shit i happen to have you back you are former story warrior returning yes favorite yes shane shane came up to me before the show he said it was very excited to be back on the show it's i love this show hell yeah it's a truly great show well we got a fucking great one coming up i'll explain it to some of these dumb shit idiots no that's all i got on this but these are just the jabs are you doing shots of white claw i do i do see how it could read like that yeah yeah i do a power hour with white claws every show you'll notice every minute i just get a little bit of white claw and then i take my shirt off and run around the room um if it's your first time listening or watching at home it's a very very simple game story wars all five of us on this panel including lewis and i have submitted three to five stories on one particular topic tonight's topic panic oh oh oh Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. It will be at random. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story, it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story on that screen, that is an opportunity to collect four points. It's a huge, huge, huge opportunity. Once you write your answer on the dry erase board and put the dry erase board in the slot right here and remove your hand, that is it. That is your final answer. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we have a lot of fun here on Story Wars. Everyone that's played it before, you guys know it's a lot of fun. Aaron, you're going to have a ton of fun. But guess what? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. Stakes is high, boys. Tonight's winner takes home a book from the Story Wars library like every week. And tonight you take home Think Like a Pancreas. By Gary Shiner. Think Like a Pancreas explains how people with diabetes can take control of their blood sugar by learning to dose insulin the way a healthy pancreas would. It breaks down how to match insulin to food, activity, and daily routines, making the process feel more manageable and predictable. I genuinely do need this book. Well, goddammit. It's very important to me, fellas. I think we should all read it, to be honest. Look, nobody on this panel couldn't benefit from checking out the book. You know what I mean? Thumbing through it a little bit. I think everybody that's going to get it gets it. If not, you'll pick it up along the way. But is this crowd ready for war? Nashville Comedy Festival, are you ready for war? Don't you shoot a gun. on Lewis' picnic. God damn it, Shane. You'd let me have my thing. Equally as exciting. Mine's so much better. Without any further ado, Alex, please. Story number one. Story number one. In second grade, I peed my pants before I could get to the urinal. Instead of admitting what happened, I wet the rest of my body with water from the sink, intentionally flooded the bathroom, and told everyone the urinal exploded on me. It's not. Oh, man. That is a relatable-ass story. I really. I was like, I can see myself doing this idea. This is a good idea. Yeah, I peed my pants my bed in the second grade, and then I took all of my sheets and hung myself. I tried to hang myself. Your mom fell and cut you down? No, I threw them all behind my dresser because I was embarrassed and wanted my mom and my sister to see it. And then slept with no sheets for the rest of your life? Yes, well, that was a problem. I went through the whole day wondering how I was going to explain no sheets. I didn't think that far ahead, so eventually I just had to tell my mom Luckily, your parents weren't all on top of you. Growing up. Yeah. And they probably didn't get there to see. And when she found out, she didn't care. Can I ask a question? Did they change the wording of these at all or anything? Yes, to not give away things that would be obvious. I don't think Nate used the word intentionally. I was going to say, I don't think Nate got to the second grade. But peed. Peed instead of pissed. I got to the second grade multiple times. Piss. Billy Madison style. Yeah, peed is a southern gentleman's talk. Ooh. Ooh. How would you say that? Piss. Okay. Well, it's a wild animal over here. I pissed my pants. You don't poop your pants. You shit your pants. Sounds. You piss your pants. You go, fuck you. Sounds like a guy that's headlining the Eagle Stadium. Because. That's what that sounds like. Will it be officially yours? When you get the whole Eagle Stadium to do that. And then it's. Oh, of course. I also, like, you don't do that either. You just go, ooh. It's much more fun, dude. The people have spoken. It's going to be a fucking off day. 100,000 people will do that. Yeah. That is going to definitely usurp this situation. Yeah, peed my pants before I got to the urinal. It does sound like this is somebody who is, you know, teetering. Well, the weird part is before I got there, and then, like, instead of admitting what happened, they wet the rest of their body. So how many people were they interacting with before they got to the urinal? Like, where did they pee their pants? Oh, you think there's somebody else who might know the information? Well, I'm just saying. And they were in the bathroom. Where were you when you peed? But then they said, so instead of admitting what happened. Well, I was talking about when they go back to class. Oh, okay. They can't be like. So they just wet everything. I feel like Aaron's trying to make everyone understand the story right now. Yeah. He's going, no, no, no, I don't understand, though, but before he got there, he actually. Yeah. It's also a pretty smart move for a second grader. You're a pretty smart guy. Seems like you're fooling us it's more of a fifth grade thing. Oh. Yeah. You trying to pull the wool over my eyes, brainiac? Yeah, I'm definitely getting Aaron vibes on this one. From what? Number one, that very angry defensive tone. Yeah. That was crazy. I've never seen you be anything that friendly. I swear it's not me. Come on, guys. That was crazy. I'm trying to think if we even had urinals in my elementary school bathroom. We have troughs? We did have. I mean, we had a trough, yeah, like. Where were you? The vet? It's the stadium. St. Bede Catholic Elementary School in Montgomery, Alabama. Oh, shit. Yeah, maybe. Everyone. They had separate bathrooms, if you know what I mean. The school uniform was overalls? Huh? Oh, so Big J's from. In Philly, like, having a flooded bathroom would make sense. That would be, I would imagine, every day in Philly. Like, you just. All bathrooms are flooded. The kids smell like piss. The bathroom's flooded. Yeah. Black people. I think it would. See, I like. I mean, you've almost convinced me with Aaron, but I don't mind Jay on this. Sure. This does sound like something I would do. I can see. This sounds like something Jay would do. I did a podcast with you. It absolutely does. And Jay remembers. You remember so. I always. You always remember, like, stuff from so long ago. I don't remember second grade. Because it probably went pretty good for you. These were humiliating years for me, I would say. This is something that could have happened to me in those years. Yeah, when you peak in the third grade, you remember those years. I know every time. Second grade. Only a Jay could remember second grade. Peeing. Ah, fuck. Now I think it's Nate. I'm getting. All right. It's Big J or Aaron. We've got to get some voting going, guys. It's only story number one. If it's not you, which is going to be funny if it is, I think it's over here. Who? I don't know who. You think it's Louis? I'm going to get the voting going. Big J's doing some acting right now. A little bit of song and dance. He's going to write my name real quick. That's my gut. Louis, you have been leading the charge on picking suspects. Oh, shit. Yeah. This was my gut was Big J from the get-go. Who are you writing, Shane? I'm going Shane. He just kind of sat back and let off some steam. Let us litigate that. So I'm going to go Shane. It's not me. I think it's Aaron. Oh, he just said it's not him. But the votes are already cast. God, that was stupid. The votes are already cast. Why did you put that? Who'd you put? Look, see, they know. They know it's not me. You know in your heart it's not me either. Why would you want me to change it, then? Please. You think it's me. I think it's you. It doesn't matter what you write. Can I just say this? Before even Alex he votes for me. Before even Alex gives the thing. For the people that don't know this don't play the game every week. Big J always and he's admitted this much. Every story he starts off going and in his head he really means this. That is Lewis. And then he has to work backwards from there to convince himself that it's somebody else. Punctuation. Politeness. Words like intentionally which Lewis could be trying to make you think it is Lewis. He's a smarter person. That was a mistake, Jay. Alex, all of our answers are in. Story number one. Who does it belong to? Shane or Aaron? Story number one belongs to Aaron Webber. I knew it. I knew it. We're on the board, fellas. I remember that day well. Second grade, beginning of the day I had to go to the bathroom. I sprinted down the hallway and I got like two feet in front of the urinal and just everything came out. So like I panicked and I created like a crime scene in the bathroom. I splashed water from the sink everywhere. I was soaking wet and then I went and got the maintenance guy and I was like the toilets are something happened, dude. And then looking back I don't think I fooled any of the adults but they were cool about it. Did they let you go home? No. I was just like I guess I'm just wet today. What? Just wet, yeah. Now you had piss and fucking school sink water all over you? Yeah. And one dries faster than the other? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Hey, why is that one part Hey, why is that part in your that's crazy Oh, that's pretty cool. Wow, good. Everything dried off. Well, wait a second. Yeah, wait a second. That one Why is your zipper so sticky still? Yeah. Does our water smell? Alex, where are our points at? In second place with two points, Shane Gillis. We don't celebrate second. I'm sorry. I like it. You love it, dude. I love it. I love it. And in the lead with three points, Aaron Webber. Fuck. Story number two. Story number two. I was once in the backseat of a crowded van. I started to have a panic attack sitting in the third row. I made the driver stop the van and everyone had to get out to let me sit up front. What am I going to crowd a van for? Nate. Nate going to a religious thing? It's a religious thing. Or Shane going to a football thing? Either way? Bro, you think I would have a panic attack on the way to a football thing? I don't. In the backseat, though. I was. Whoever was facing me was having a panic attack. Who I think would make everybody get out of a van is your man down there. You're not wrong. But why is he in a crowded van? Well, you're just in a big. I can imagine you're in a van. That's not true, dude. I always call shotgun. I would have never been in that backseat to begin with. I know, but you would then get in. I'm a 44-year-old man who still calls shotgun. He does. And I'll tell you what. He's also a person who would delude himself to believe that he's that he was having a panic attack. when that was just a thing he said to get into the front seat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, and I mean this, I've never had a panic attack. I think you do every day. Pure, pure. That's called undiagnosed, right? Let me tell you, you should be. Pure alpha energy. Because I panic about your life every day. Yeah. I've seen you cry recalling the story of Milo and Otis. Something's wrong. No, dude. You always tell that wrong. I was recalling watching Milo and Otis with my mother after watching it with my son. And I'll cry again right now if I think about it. That was an emotional time. It was a sweet moment. Yeah. Because you and your mother watched that. Yeah. And that was one of your last memories. Yeah. And then you watched it with your son. It was one of my last memories, no. She died when I was 22. Oh, yeah. That's right, I knew you. I never got to meet her. Damn. Yeah, we were friends. We were friends. I don't remember consoling you much. You are, Jay, here's the thing. You have panic attacks. That is true. You know what? It's an actual thing. What situation would Jay be in a van with people? He goes to Korn. Yeah, on his way to a Korn concert. I mean, he got one of his festivals where there's nothing but panic attacks happening because it's crowded. Panic attack fest? Yeah, panic attack fest. Panic fest. All right. But would he have the power to make the entire pool over? Yes. Can I tell you something? Jay? Yes. Play the odds here a little bit. Big fat Jay. Most people were just like, we're going to put him in the front and then everyone will sort out. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to put him in the back situation. So whatever this crowd of van was, Nate's not wrong. I will bring a lot of people to go see Korn for sure. I've been in one of those cars. I've been in those cars. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You got to sit there and listen while I tell you the background of every song. Yeah. But that wasn't my panic attack times where I would be in a van situation. That's why I'm still, this is Nate or fucking. Jay, you're currently dressed like a cat burglar, I realized. You're the guy that cracks the safe. That's why you don't have fingers on your gloves. He's just listening. I can see that. I know that Jay has panic attacks, but he started to have them at a certain time. Yeah, like my 30s. But no, but hold on one second. Let me say this. Okay. He started having them. Ooh, I got you fucking pegged, you bitch. Oh, you started having them when he was going on tour with Korn. This is probably when he was back, like going between shit on the actual tour. Jay, if it's you, you're hilarious. He's looking at me like. That is true. Let me tell you something. You would have been nothing in vain. You were on like a boat with him. Can I put you guys in a weird situation here? Because it's going to. It is for me. It's just a little less because I know it's not me. But that was such a fucking good explanation for how this could be me that it makes me think if it's not me, just not, it's definitely Louis. That must be very difficult for you guys. I mean, I'm just. Right, Big Jay? I'm running Louis. How could this not. He wrote that to be me. It's just. And he had that wonderful fucking plan worked out. Oh, I like it, Aaron. Hey, is his more important than mine? Wow. Whoa! Aaron writes Nate. Why'd you write Nate, Aaron? I know Nate gets claustrophobic. And he's the only one on this. Wow. And Shane writes Nate. Listen. He copied off Aaron. We got to fucking stop this, man. I thought it was a little kid. We got to stop what we're doing. We're going at each other. Both of us said it's definitely Nate or Shane. And then we start going at each other. And I'm like, well, if it's fucking you because you're saying me, I'm not going to fuck that shit. So I'm saying you. And then we're out of the game. And then we lose all of our books. And both of us are going to have diabetic issues. Alex! Fuck! It's not you or Lewis. I know it isn't. It's definitely Nate. Oh, Shane, you fuck. Oh, you're so giggly. Story number two belongs to Nate Barbarossi. It was fucking Jesus camp. Look, let me tell you. How good of a friend. You know, how long have we been best friends? Basically, 20, 23 years, 23 years. I told that in my special. So. In fairness, Nate, you know this about me. I only watch people bomb. I don't watch any comedy except people bombing. I know you're doing great. How old were you when this happened? It was at Just for Laughs. Soder was in the van. We were at Just for Laughs. The guy that ran Just for Laughs at the time was in the van. He was up front. This is like before I realized I had claustrophobia. But he was like. You know, I was confused by it. And we're in this van. I go, I'll get in the back. And we make it two blocks. And I was like, everybody's got to get out! And then I had to. And I sit up front. And then I immediately was like, now I have to take stuff. So. But it was. I mean, Soder was. I mean, I was like. Because it. When I said it in the act. But it was like, you go from like. I mean, I know the joke. But say it again. Just for the audience. Just for. Yeah. It happened on a Simpsons ride at the Universal. So I got stuck on that. So that's where the door was open. But I didn't realize. Then I'm in the back of this van. And you go from normal to like, I'm going to. I will punch everybody in the face if they don't get out. And that happens pretty quick. And so I made the guy pull over. And then I sit up front. And then I flew on like a flight to Pittsburgh for some. You know, for the Pittsburgh Funny Bone or something the next day. And I was like just sitting on the. And I was like, this is. I was like, this ain't. Something's wrong, dude. And like, you know. And so that's when all my claustrophobia started. And so now. Yeah. So there it is. All right. There we are. You got some nice points there. Because me and Lewis have a problem with each other that is unresolved. Yeah. It's okay. We're going to be better, Jimmy. You have to be. I should get a point for making. I should get a point for making y'all fight. Yeah. That should be something. What? That's crazy. Just for making y'all fight. Yeah. Me and BJ will argue over anything. Me and Lewis have a real date with Destiny one day. Me and Jay are going to have it out physically. Apollo Creed and Rocky, dude. Oh, yeah, dude. It sucks. Ding, ding. This show is going to be very successful. You're going to have to do this. You're going to have to keep working together. I know. For a long time. It's going to keep on going like this. Well, once you guys. Once you guys fight each other to death, I will then clean up the show and go put it on NBC. Yes! So it's. It's a better show. It will be. It's a better show. Yeah. It will be a big show. It'll be a huge show. I hope James. James will be very much a part of the show. That's all I care about. When you see the faces on our managers' and agents' faces when they go, man, if it just wasn't you guys. If it just wasn't you guys, this thing would already be a gazillion dollars. That's what we should call the show. Yeah. If it just wasn't you guys. You could be on every day of the week. You would take over Price is Right. Yes! Fuck you, Ellen. Alex, two stories down. Where are our points at? In third place, with two points, Nate Bargatze. In second place, with four points, Shane Gillis. He doesn't celebrate first downs. He goes. We expect it. And in first place, with five points, Aaron Weber. We can't let ourselves get clouded with personal confrontation. No, we got this. Hey, Story Warriors. Let's take a quick second and thank one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show, and that, of course, is GLD. GLD. 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restrictions and important safety information all right let's get back into it alex story number three we both have zero story number three i had a one night stand we said goodbye in the morning and after i closed the door i saw her run as fast as she could down the street turns out she was hold on hold on personal vendetta let her finish the story let her finish the hilarious smart funny story turns out she was just late for work but it was still terrifying dude lou is this how you live your life jay this is not me i've had plenty of one night stands i've had plenty of women run out of my house it's just nothing to do with me i know it's not us yes yeah i would literally i would never talk about that well i would never huh i would never talk about that jay would talk about this now it's their it's heavy that side unless you're tricking everybody and you're doing it i don't talk about that stuff what do you do you don't talk about sex i'm gonna put listen it's not them it's fun yeah it's not them it's not me so for for me it's definitely lewis it's either it's either it's you jane i want you to know something it's gonna hurt me hey it'll hurt i've been talked about sexual stuff in i don't know here's what no i think it's i'm i'm actually going jay jay and i can tell you why personally because lewis no because you said turns out she was just late for work you would put that lewis would just put it was terrifying and make it oh i thought you were saying also i would be someone who would fuck someone who has a job no no no you're also quick to write lewis jay but let me say this about jay jay didn't really have one night dance jay always had a wife so it was never like a one night stand it was more like a long drawn out series of relationships behind his wife's back yeah but that would now make me think it's you what that aggressive way the way he just attacked me and said a bunch of crazy shit huh look he's getting nervous all right by the way that looks so bad oh that looks so bad i think it's but like that's so we're doing this it's like fuck you dude everyone it's lewis for sure yeah i'm telling you i know this one is him that was crazy well you've known these guys forever i've known forever do they live in a part of town where it would be smart to sprint do you understand like a like a no well they well we all lived in we all lived next door to each other that was not a place you would sprint okay uh that wouldn't have happened there i don't think it would have really happened for either of you there uh yeah i think what gets me is you it turns out she was late for work so it's like it's not like the jokes on you that's what i mean she was a garbage man it was four in the morning it's it's the way it's worded is what like i think if lewis wrote it he would say after i closed the door i saw her run out as fast as she could down the street it was terrifying i don't think you would well she was just late for work because late if she's late for work then it's like not that funny it's more of like i feel like this is that that meme on on uh on twitter where all like the numbers and the letters are going across his face right now yeah yeah who you're writing all right i'm going jay what i'm going jay i'm going you just convinced me it was lewis i know well lewis got me with you might be right lewis i know shane makes me nervous because it's uh i'm going shane it's either shane or jay shit a lot of people writing lewis shit you say listen to me shane just cleaned up or jay just cleaned up oh it's shane fuck me oh it's shane you idiots the story number three belongs to shane gillis now we're in first place shane you said it wasn't you yeah i know but you said that to me i feel like i'm the only one that's seen any of your specials up here because he's like i never talk about sex in my act there's a good 30 minute chunk in the middle of the last one that i felt like that was a fun one i never talk about hookups okay i was in a relationship there's a clear line uh but no this is uh that kind of the story spells it out pretty good uh i watched her run down the street i think it was it was very uh the thing that scared me the most was she didn't let on that she was going to be on the show and she was like i'm going to be on the show late for work so like we were leaving and she was like okay all right see you like hug and all that and then i closed the door i looked out the window sprinting to the train i didn't i didn't know what was going on i was like oh there was no urgency before not zero yeah zero urgency and then i saw her run and i was like holy fuck you call the cops you're like oh just in case she calls you just so you know no we actually we did not do anything alcohol had taken control of my penis that's probably why she ran but it was very funny beautiful very nice uh alex three stories down where do we sit on the scoreboard all right in last place with zero points big jay okerson tied for third place with two points each lewis jay gomez and nate bargatze in second place with five points aaron weber and in the lead with seven points shane gillis that's a touchdown that's why you're here you're at seven you celebrate touchdowns not first down exactly right there you go man i'm starting to feel like this book is out of my grip think like a pancreas which focuses on real life situations like adjusting insulin for exercise handling sick days or correcting unexpected highs and lows it also walks through how to use tools like continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps in a practical step-by-step way i'm gonna get down i think i'm still in this thing alex please story number four make it mine story number four i was once locked out of my house while my entire playboy collection was being destroyed i watched through the window in a panic i know you want to say me but i never had a collection of playboys i never had a collection of playboys i never had a collection of playboys i had filthy porn from day one do you think it means destroyed by a parent it's aaron i do think it's aaron that's aaron in my mind this is aaron you guys think it means by a parent obviously dude isn't it a dog raccoons this could be lewis this could be lewis i i mean i i literally i never had a collection of playboys i had a couple I had a couple playboys, but it was like mostly It was real porn magazines. Hustler, Penthouse. Yeah, no, that's why I had filth, but I'm saying. But who would destroy. My mom bought me my first playboy. My mom's up destroying my playboy magazine. My mom bought me a dirty magazine. Yeah, she would have bought it. Why? Yeah. Why? She wanted you to already be hard when she came in? Yeah. Sorry, Nate. I'm sorry, Nate. We'll take that out of the actual film. It's not what it's talking about. That'll be on the guest digital version. The YouTube version will have no such filth. Yeah, I mean, playboy. This also, like, I know we're not thinking Nate or Aaron because they are cleaner comics, but playboy's pretty. We all had playboys when we were kids. That's almost what I mean. Aaron, you had a playboy when you were a kid, right? Nobody had magazines when I was growing up. How old are you? Shit, that's right. I'm 34. Oh, you're young, that's right. I did not. So magazines disqualify. Disqualifies me. Did not have any. I'm focused on the window. Who grew up in a house where you could look through a window into your bedroom? I don't know a lot about New York. It doesn't feel like you, though. Right? How do you know it was the bedroom when it happened, Aaron? Well, he was in Rockford. Do you think he kept his playboys in the kitchen or something? Maybe they brought them down to destroy it. He goes, you know what? I'm back to thinking it's a dog that did it. Who, Shaq? Who, Shaquille O'Neal? I think sport. I think sport. Sport did it. There's a good chance it's a dog. Why is it worded this way? Yeah. While my entire playboy collection was being destroyed. The Lewisons have a playboy collection when he had sport? Sport was destroying so many other things. Sport, no. No, sport would never do that. Sport would look at the playboys with me and smoke a cigarette. Yeah. He was a cool dog. Shits are hot, right? I feel like this is Aaron. You're saying Aaron. The only reason I'm saying not Aaron is because Aaron is. He's young. 34, 10 years younger than me. That next generation didn't have. They had porn. You had magazines? No, yeah. Playboy magazines? Almost the point. Hold on. You're 34? That's almost my point, though, Lewis. Playboy magazines is just a specific thing. They're looking for porn, but you can get your hands on playboy maybe easier than like. Like playboys at a Barnes and Noble. Were they really? Yeah. All right. That's what he said. Look at Aaron. He was like, were they really? I didn't know that. Aaron. It's Aaron. This is. Would either of you have a family where they would be upset that you had a collection that they wouldn't use? No. My mother, my little brother one time, we used to show him when he was really little. Me and my friends would show him my porn magazines until he said the words, big tits. Okay. And I had him in a telescope box above my closet. I don't think he would tell that story. I wouldn't have a telescope. No telescope. And one day I think a TV show came on that had tits on it and my brother started saying big tits, big tits. And then like a hound dog led my mother up to my room and pointed at the box and my mom touched the box and it just rained hardcore pornography all over. And by the way, that image is what I can come to. And that was a fun story to tell, but it's why I know. I think it is. This is Aaron Webber. Shane and Nate are having their own strategic conversation. What is going on over there? It made me lose pretty heavy confidence in my story I was telling. What's going on over there? Hey, Lewis and Jay are here. Sorry. I will just say this for the record. If it is Nate, he is a psycho. No. Because he just was like, I would never do something like that. I would not do it. I would not write that story. And I'd be too. I would never do it. I would never do it. I would never do it. I would never have porn in my house. Why didn't you say that to a microphone? Well, yeah, that's what makes me think he's tricking me. No, but he was, I know, but it makes me think, I just can't imagine. I mean, I think you would have it, Jay. I don't know if you come from a family that would destroy it. My family. I think your stepdad would just take it. Yeah, but he was pretty cool, Joe. You came from like a good Christian household. If your dad saw your Playboy, he would fucking, Dude, burn it. I'm going to tell you right now. Put it in a hat. No, I never had that. You'd burn the flash paper. And I would never even admit it now forever. That's what I just said last round. That's what I think it's him. I would never put that. He's using my defense. He just saw it work, dude. That's what's making me think it's you. I don't know if you saw it before, but last one, when Shane betrayed me and it hurt. Yeah. Aaron, what do you think? I don't think Nate would admit to having a whole Playboy collection. Yeah, true. It's pretty benign. A Playboy collection is like, ah, I was a kid. Everybody did that. It is not. Part of me wants to think Aaron, too, but I think I'd be surprised for you to actually put that down. Would you be disappointed? Are you going to fire him? Oh, no. Oh, you just fucking wrote your ticket off of Nate land, bro. You're no longer on the- Wow, Playboy collection. That didn't come up in your resume. Resume. We did our background check on you. Yeah. I think it's Shane. Playboy. It's not me. Because I think you had a nice family. I think they were upset. Yeah. You had a window. I would have got the fuck beat out of me and I would never- Well, that's the point of this story. This is part of the punishment. I'm going. And Shane, let me tell you. I think it would be unfair for me to call a Playboy collection what I had. I'd be like, that's cheating. That was trying to throw people off. You had a library. I'm going Aaron. Oof. I think that Aaron had a Playboy collection. Hey, man. Can we both say it, Aaron? Hey. Hey, turkey. Hey. Alex, let us know this is Aaron for sure, definitely. Story number four. Fuck, I knew it was Aaron. Belongs to Lewis J. Gomez. Give me my fucking hand turkey back. Why would you have done that with me? I now retroactively look like a fucking idiot. I did this. I did this to you. I did a Friends for Life thing. This is like a picturesque show where we're both dead. Like that. Fuck you, dude. Wow. Burning J really does make me laugh my fucking ass off. So this was when I was maybe, I had a Playboy subscription. So they would get delivered to my house. My mom didn't give a fuck at all. I literally had them coming to my house every month. And my sister, this fucking fat bitch. Then, then. She, she was two years older than me. And I was, I had to be 13 or 14 at the time. And I had maybe a dozen Playboys. The one that really got me was, it was a Playboy with Pamela Anderson. Jay, you'll remember this one. She was, she was like on the beach. She had like sand like stuck to her body. Oh, she was so hot in this Playboy. So my sister went and she, she locked me out of the house. We were arguing about something. And she, it was like a shitty door, but it was like a latched door. It was on my back porch. And she went into my room, got my entire Playboy collection. And started tearing them one by one in front of me. As I, as a 14-year-old boy, cried real tears. It was like, it was like Inception. Or no, Interstellar. You were on the other side like, no. Yeah, Steve. Real tears. Like she was hurting something that was alive that I loved. My stuff. No, my gals. Yeah. Oh, I just cleaned up. That was a good round. That was a good round for me. Four stories down. All right. In last place, with still zero points, Big Jay Oakerson. Yeah. Shut up. In fourth place, with two points, Nate Bargatze. In third place, with five points, Aaron Webber. In second place, with six points, Luis J. Gomez. And in the lead, with seven points, Shane Gillis. You want to know what Luis leaned over and said to me? He leaned over to me and he goes, remember, dude, no one's ever gotten zero. You're not going to get zero points. You're going to get zero points. digital network and we're also on tour me and lewis you go to my website lewisofskanks.com check out all the pods that i do and if you love this show you should know that we do a pre-release every monday night you can get this show before it goes anywhere else before it goes to youtube or itunes or anywhere else uh go to gas digital.com it's uncensored and ad free it's the way the show is meant to be heard plus you get the on-demand library with a bunch of episodes dozens of episodes that are no longer available on youtube or anywhere else gas digital.com use that promo code wars with a z and uh yeah you save a couple bucks a month and it helps out the show directly all right oh geez apologies everybody i'm staring at the zero it's really fucking taking me down a peg it was jay's head it was hello darkness mild yeah i was just what it's also we have like a sad background on the video they can't even see and i was like oh man what is that just it's a future just a bleak foggy fucking forest well jay don't worry listen i know you have zero points and at this point it seems like you're pretty far off but you know better than anybody else that it's anyone's game yeah but i have to get anything going here but i could technically if no one else gets anything uh take the lead in the next round because of course we go double points oh yeah yeah yeah wham same person idiot it's very very simple concept oh the hot girl yay yay yay fuck you you dumb hillbillies look at this hot chick oh yeah dude yeah i really tried to get into the hillbillies behind her and it just landed right in her lip i think that's such a better thing dude you just bought yourself a trip to fucking jamaica what's up girl what's up girl it's a pretty simple concept before if you fooled somebody you got one point if you correct it correctly guessed whose story it was you got two points but now that jumps up to double points shane you are a former story warrior if you want you can lay that on him if you'd like what this yeah that's not what it is fuck usc no that's not that's not what we meant fuck usc bro all right yeah new one better one uh pure gibberish to lewis uh well second half here we go alex story number five here i come story number five in grade school a friend of mine dared me to watch him poop and pick up a piece of his poop i said no but he tricked me into it i screamed in panic his mom ran out and saw the whole thing i left in a rush and his mom called my mom to take me to the hospital i said no but he tricked me into it i screamed in panic his mom ran out and saw the whole thing i left in a rush and his mom called my mom to take me to the hospital tell her that me and her son were gay it sounds like a shangless origin story yeah it's a really great story you ever told it that's good uh i mean look it's i here's the thing i would i would bet my son's life on this that it's not nate yeah nate did not submit this story no i or he's playing the game great that's what i thought he was doing last round dude he's an honest player he's telling the truth i put up a stink earlier about the the words pee and poop oh you think i was playing it ahead i think you were softening and uh the word gay you're a fan of that gay uh oh oh , yeah fuck you but that's the only that makes me kind of think it's it's you jay because if i think if you put the word gay it would make me think it's him and then you got through a head fake yeah because that's his get her done yeah did shane trademark gay yeah gay what was that don't forget retard i got that oh my god i gotta look closer but lewis is also just who's talking with goth people yeah this is some goth shit yeah oh yeah not in grade school nobody's goth in grade school yeah they are you know goth goth in high school oh some like eighth grade eighth grade you get some goths when were you a goth i would like to go how did he trick them into it yeah who here's dumb enough to get tricked into picking up poop well because he's yeah how do you he's saying i want you to do this and you're like no and you knew it was poop you knew yeah yeah when he and then he tricks you into it you go dead gum it i knew it was i knew that was gonna be what you were trying to do it's the only thing you were trying to get me to do right before you tricked me into doing son of a bitch you got me this guy's good no i got a feeling that's poop no it's not it's not all right i mean i get out of this whole thing are we just wasting time this is so obviously shane's fucking story it's not i don't know what to tell you i'm saying bro you think i want to believe him and think it's you but now i know he lied i mean i think it could be big j this could be why he wears fingerless gloves for the rest of his life was this picking up poop story in case he gets always be prepared in case he gets tricked again he goes i'm not dude who said i won't be fooled fool me once shame on me who's saying that fool me twice i'll wear gloves yeah yeah i'm never i'm never gonna have to wash gloves again fuck that dude i'm never gonna have to wash gloves again i got my dookie holders ready in case a friend tricks me again i've been burned by friends in the past shane just earlier in this game would uh would aaron say something like gay uh no i don't think sure yeah i don't think aaron would have done this you're not saying gay you're saying you were called gay yeah but would you even include that i don't know i would say it this is this is shame this seems a little more rowdy i didn't hang out with these my friends didn't do stuff like this yeah me neither yeah i'm just helping whoever's this is here's the thing it's either shane or it's big j writing to sound like shane it's not me the only thing that sounds like me is it says we we were gay you're just putting a lot of lipstick on gay and i'm following your lead no if you dude shane shane do me a favor read this out loud and like but but sound like yourself read this out like old english all right i'll try to sound like you know you know you sound well now i gotta read like british royalty in grade school in grade school well close your eyes and see if you see if you nail it okay in grade school one of my boys told me uh or he tricked me into he i knew it was poop and he tricked me and i i picked it up and then my mom called him or my his mom see i don't even know the fucking story no read it just read it dude i don't even know the story his mom called my mom because they thought we were gay it's not me trust me daddy we need to we need to be asking questions we need to be asking other questions because it is not me and whoever's going to get this is this is a double point so you fellas need to really lock in because you're being tricked right now by an idiot an idiot is tricking the rest of us uh who's the idiot lewis it could be anybody oh i don't know oh big jay's being very quiet as well so i feel like right now he's going like oh fuck i'm about to so it's but i would say you're using the word poop hope trying to convince people it made me me because that's what i would say i do think and i think that's still a little dirtier and i would use uh and then you said gay hopefully flings it back this nothing about this strikes me as a nate story if this is your story holy shit thank you for exposing yourself like this and showing kind of disappointed you guys think i would you can write get tricked into picking up poop i don't play those games you were but you were young and if i picked up poop i would throw up immediately i wouldn't be tricked into picking up poop i would throw up at that i don't know why that made me think it's lewis but it did how many stories has lewis had so far do you see any lewis jay has not had a story i haven't had a story yet it's fair that's why that's a good argument right there i hadn't even thought aaron hasn't had a story it's less of a good argument you think unfortunately i had the first one oh you had the first one i had the first one where i peed no i only submitted never mind i'm getting the voting going big jay oakerson is my vote trying to sound like shane with the writing slick move jay oh ah we're giving lewis a bunch of points oh if it's me i'm fucking it's over if it's me hey alex all this all these stories story number five belongs to big jay oakerson zero points oh man nobody jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay jay trying to give you something dude you know it's like nobody fell for your horseshit i did not try to make this thing like shane doesn't fucking trademark gay i've said gay i agree i agree that's what happened jay my friend i didn't think you were just tricked into watching him poop not actually picking it up no it's it's it's reading wrong i guess it's what happened was we're he it was just me and him after school one day and he's told me he wouldn't play truth or dare and uh i was like all right and then his dare started getting like do you want to look like like look at my wiener kind of stuff and then i was like he's like you dare me poop and pick a piece of it up and i went no and then we watched something on tv and he went to the bathroom and he called me up he goes come here come here and i ran up the stairs and he was holding a piece of his own poop with one slice of toilet paper on his like it didn't matter it was like the paper wasn't stopping it and so and i like yelped you wrote him you wrote him a review yeah i'd say it was a three held turd it was two stars the show was all right prices were through the roof i uh and i yelled and his mom came out and saw what's happening and he dropped the poop and i ran out of the house and went home and his mom my mom were friends and she called my mom to let us know that she just found out today that our sons she goes our sons are gay i love just in philadelphia how quick they just they just go to it they accept it and they go it is what it is she actually she said we were n-word gays but i didn't want to say that to my mom it was a different time though it was his mom all right how's that guy doing now he's got to be dead right he's a dj it's a doctor so maybe a dj maybe yeah yeah uh alex where are points at five stories down all right in last place with zero points big jay okerson i'm stoned enough that i forgot that everyone guessed right on that i was like that was a fun story right in fourth place with six points nate bargatze in third place with nine points aaron weber in second place with 11 points lewis jay gomez and in first place with 11 points shane gillis oh oh oh oh so he's just such a dick you just you take away you take away the things i love alex what's the longest someone's had zero this might be it right now i think we're pretty close to it jay it's a big deal if you can get zero somehow this is your own sort of way asking you to say nothing Jay I'm just saying this is not for nothing right now first of all you can still win don't be down on yourself but for some reason if you don't win you can still get zero which is a better accomplishment I'd have to have two more stories in this round the next three would have two of them have to be mine and you guys wouldn't have to guess that that hilarious writing was me that's not true there's three more stories and there's plenty of other opportunity you get four points every time you guess the story correctly you need to fucking keep your head in the game Jay do you not want think like a pancreas alright guys let's take a quick moment and talk about the brand new body brain creamer that just went into pre-sale if you guys love body brain coffee you're going to love the body brain creamer which pairs perfectly with the coffee it's a different set of nootropics and adaptogens designed to stack with body brain coffee to give you a complete cup of coffee that's going to make you feel absolutely 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refined five blade cartridge a two ounce foaming shave gel and a travel cover to protect your blades on the go all you have to do is head to harrys.com slash wars with a Z that's harrys.com slash W-A-R-Z check them out get that Harry's Plus Razor set today alright let's get back into it Alex, story number six story number six my debit card got declined on a date I was embarrassed so I snuck out of the restaurant without paying alright, it's one of these two and debit card is a that's interesting to me yeah I don't think I've ever had a debit card I think you have yeah, debit card debit card feels everybody had a debit card you couldn't get a credit card yeah you have a debit card because your 20 bucks were sitting in a bank and they couldn't get a credit card they gave you a card this is Aaron or Nate for sure oh, really? you think so? everybody vote for me then again me, I'm sitting here on my one and four shot of maybe getting this one right I'm trying to look like a fucking asshole on that goddamn show Nate, if you would please I'm trying to not look like a fucking I would if it just started as at I snuck out of the restaurant without paying I would think it's Louis but then the other part of the sentence is what makes me not think it is yeah, I don't think so either oh, because Louis wouldn't be embarrassed by it? no, Louis he would have fought it would be no decline it would just be he sneaks out of restaurants without paying oh, before he walked in he goes hey, we might have to fucking split quick here he knew the whole time I'm not sneaking out I'm walking out fight me hey, you mind going to the bathroom outside in my car because we're about to leave without paying tell me you're going to smoke a cigarette I'm eating cinnamon did the I don't know, Aaron, did the date stay? Nate did start answering that very naturally me? yeah, you y'all can think it's me because I know it's not me so I'll but because I win a lot wait, would I win a lot if y'all wrote me? no no yeah unless it was my story then you would lose either way you would lose if it's your story and no one says you but then somebody would win if it's not you if we all wrote you do I get points for cheating? Nate used to be a scallywag back in the day Nate wouldn't be above sneaking out of a restaurant without paying I would not sneak out of a restaurant I've been to a restaurant where I didn't have enough money but I just ate I just drank water and had a salad and let her have food but as a member of the old hickory crips you were the kind of guy you were a menace and you turned it around, dude that's the Nashville way, like jelly roll Yeah, the thing that I did was. You just never got face tattoos. smart by the way the thing that i did with debit cards was like i used to go to well and then debit cards a check i could go to what you'd go to walmart write a check for 20 they would give you cash but i did not have the 20 of the bank but they didn't know that until and then so you're a thief this is nate no no why not just do more money do you like 200 i don't think you could i think they were pretty much on to us but they were willing to lose 20 here you go that was pre-debit card so i wouldn't have been a debit card i think i was i don't know if i was my age i'm just not into debit like it was you know we it was like checks and then what between checks and credit cards was debit card man that was your check card this is i think it's aaron no i'm going aaron i'm so opposed to doing this i would never do that's true i've worked in i agree with that when you walk out on the server it's not me i would never do this i swear i feel good unless i forgot it's not me it's not me i'm just talking out loud i'm not talking to you it's not me i'm scared it's not aaron you're so good at the game that i'm like over analyzing all of your moves and like how you're steering the conversation yeah well you also just you also wasted your vote you're so good at the game that i'm like over analyzing all of your moves dummy that's yeah if he gets that right though we're in trouble i'll go here nate votes brown all of our answers are possibly not nate this is i think this is aaron story number six belongs to aaron weber what did i tell you yeah homecoming dance in high school we went with like a big group you just said out loud i'm against this i was making a last second push at the end why do i trust everybody so much yeah we should have known immediately it was like debit card i don't even know what that is well mate that means nate honestly has no idea what a debit card is i know what a debit card is that means all the stuff that nate said was absolutely true and that's what seemed crazy to me i'm like are you saying a nobody would say debit card we write checks at walmart and then all and then you know and then eventually came the credit card aaron so this is homecoming dance homecoming dance big group we're in a room and i i just went off on the meal it was mostly my fault i ordered a lot of food and then the check came and i said i don't have that so i go i'm gonna go get the car running and i left and i justified it i didn't like the server he was being mean to me and so i go yeah and i i think about this every day that i did this to this guy i feel bad about it to this day yeah but i did it wait did you leave your friends or they all ditched oh the whole group yeah i'll go i'll go wait for y'all so i let them close out it was so many people that it was easy to get lost in the shuffle of all the checks coming out so wait a minute you justified about not liking the server even though he got paid it didn't affect him in any way you just screwed over the people that trust you the most no no no i know they didn't i don't think they were forced to cover my check i think that i think the server lost track of it and we were all gone by the time that guy killed children later that night maybe he was gonna do it anyway maybe olive garden by the way the breadsticks and salad are bottomless man you can't take the whole tour italy i got a big lasagna man it was great alex where are we at on the scoreboard all right in last place oh it's just in a good mood i was laughing with absolutely zero points big jay okerson alex has it in for me i don't know what i did to alex but alex stopped liking you guys he's so close to zero if you dude this is a big fucking deal in 100 episodes we've never had anybody get zero points he's two away you just you know if i can see your i believe and he believes that everyone at home believes he can get zero points tonight i just want you to know if i can see your points tonight in my hotel room i'm gonna eat myself to death like that guy in seven what you thought was impossible until my belly just explodes and they find me in a bowl of soup in fourth place with 10 points nate bargatze it's just the next the next person has 10 more points than you i heard her in third place with 11 points shane gillis oh i've done oh i've made some ground in second place with 13 points aaron weber and in the lead with 14 points and in the lead with 14 points lewis j gomez alex story number seven story number seven my mom fell down the steps and got knocked out while drunk off wine my entire family panicked i was asked to perform mouth-to-mouth but declined fools but you would never tell this my my mom did not drink growing no my mom with my parents didn't drink growing up mine did i know but would you would you talk about your mom like this no yeah that's that's why i don't think would he no i don't man i don't think so my mom would cry it makes the mom looks pretty bad in the story uh no i mean god no no uh my mom my mom wasn't really a boozer so does shane and let me ask you something do you come from enough money to have stairs yes we do have stairs oh i come from no stairs couldn't afford fair yeah stairs and my mom didn't drink my mom did heroin yeah that's true but i'll tell you what yeah nothing goes with heroin like some wine for sure my mom my mom did specifically did not drink what says my entire family panicked how big are y'all's families like your household how many people well lewis has got one other person and and uh what dude it's hilarious your whole family's better left you that's at base level hilarious i mean i already know who this is you do i can tell who it is right now shane so i don't i don't i gotta go by i'll say this i don't want to ruin the game i submitted one story and we already told it i found out about this earlier i don't have any power listen let me say this let me say this that's that's not true i know for a fact shane submitted at least two stories because that's what he told me and then he said he was submitting a third as well so he's playing the game right now he's really showing his ass this is so shane i but even before that though powers of deduction big jay's mom not a wine drinker not a wino not getting drunk around the kids maybe would casually drink here and there but not i submitted one story aaron aaron it could be but i'm not getting the feeling that aaron's going to submit a story about his mom getting drunk and falling down the stairs nate's mom didn't drink she's an angel of a woman shane's mom is a wino klutzy whore and shane was in college he was an athlete he would know mouth-to-mouth and cpr and things like this as a college athlete they told him what's the connection you're making i was like why are you doing this i was gonna start cheering for you what you were saying until you said he knows mouth-to-mouth because he knows mouth-to-mouth he does he is probably a lifeguard why that was a fucking life what's happening i told you guys i can see you being a lifeguard why are you doing that why but the entire family's panicking and they're like we need one person to do mouth-to-mouth so you would have to have some kind of there would be a reason they ask you versus the rest of the uh yeah oh i think it could be lewis went so hard on shane he's on there it's true this could be aaron's drunk ass mom huh everyone knows shane's mom can't stop drinking she can't stop falling down the stairs that's shane gillis is the answer i don't want to say anything mean about your mom why she's dead you can say whatever that's what i mean no i you guys can do it we lost if you do this you're making a mistake i think it could be lewis Was it in the book? You think I'm reading that book? Yeah, no one read the book. No one read the book. I'm waiting for the audio book. I want to see if my bass can handle my speakers. Did she drink wine? Was she drinking wine? No one does heroin and turns down wine. I couldn't, possibly. Was she always doing heroin, though? No, she stopped doing heroin. She might have started with wine. She stopped doing heroin when I was, like, four. Savion Blanc. Yeah. She's a Cabernet lady now. But she didn't get sober. No, she was sober. Well, she did methadone my entire, like, childhood up until I was in high school, and then. That's a little farther than childhood. High school. Childhood. Until I was 25. Well, then she got back on heroin. Nice. So wine could have been in the middle. So why am I the one who has got a mom that's falling down? Because my mother did not fall down. She was already lying down when she did her heroin. But when she got up to get her wine, she tumbled down the stairs. This is Louis. Jay, no. All right, good. Actually, because you're going to have zero points. Fuck you. You're not my dad. Zero points. My mom would. You put Shane. I put Shane. Shane put me. He's whispering to Nate over here. This should be against the rules. All talk should have to be on microphone. We were talking just about. Which mom should. I never saw my dad fall down. He was actually hammered. That's why the family panicked, right? They've never seen somebody fall. Fuck. They never saw somebody fall before. Fuck. That's a fucking good one, Aaron. It's either Louis or Shane. Is it Aaron? Yeah, but wine, it seems so crazy. I assume if Nate's mom fell on the stairs, his father would stop her from falling. Hey, you know what? I'm going. I'm going Shane, because if it's Shane, that means. No, Louis is going to win. That means, well. Louis is in first. Well, he's going to win no matter what. I'm in fucking third. We have two more stories. There's one more story. But Louis stayed. But Jay would stay at zero. Shane! Shane! I think what if it's. What if it's. I'm betting on a night of somehow you're going to be zero. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Yeah. It goes, what if I. I feel like something magic is happening. And I'm just going. I feel like. I knew when we sat down, we're part of something tonight. Yeah, I know. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. This is going to be a big night. Whose story was story number seven? Shane! Story number seven belongs to Shane Gillis. Aaron. Aaron, you fool. You guys got to listen, dude. Didn't you not? He got me so bad when I was like, I only submitted one. He was like, I heard you say two. I was like, what? Dude. That's crazy. That's Bush Lee to go, hey guys, just speaking off mic here, I only put one in. Oh, yeah, yeah. We got to keep it classy on fucking Gas Digital Story Wars, dude. It's time to play by the rules. Play by the rules or don't play, Shane. Now, she will be mortified that I've done this. You think she's going to see this? Yeah, it'll get to her. Why did you refuse to do mouth to mouth? I'll tell you why, because. All right. She's my mom. No, it wasn't just that. It was. So she. My parents. I got home from. I was in college, I think. I came home. I was down in the basement playing NCAA. My parents and my sister were at a wine tasting in the Appalachian Mountains. Holy shit. What? In Halifax, like right outside of fucking Harrisburg. Like literally plastic cups of wine in bagged wine. Like it was a disgusting display. Mountain folk. Yeah. But they come home and my mom was excited to see me. She grabbed a couple Oreos before. And then dropped an Oreo on the steps and bent down to pick them up and fell head first down the steps. And got knocked unconscious. Wow. And my sister and my dad were hammered. So my sister's like, mom's fucking dead. And I look. Your dad was not at the wine tasting? He was just hammered? No. My dad was upstairs and he was like, Jesus fucking Christ. So he's on the phone with 911. I'm the only sober one. I walk over. We're like, oh. And I thought she was dead. Like you see a fucking old lady knocked out. You're like, holy shit. But she had purple from the wine and Oreos still in her mouth. It was like black and purple. And my sister like looked at me like, you gotta give her mouth to mouth. And I genuinely thought my mom was dying. And I was still like, fucking you do it. Neither of us know it. But the best part is she came back after a while. She was out. For like longer than you're supposed to be out. It was like three minutes of being knocked out, which is crazy. Ambulance came. There's EMTs in the house. And she sits up and she's like, you know, she's obviously very embarrassed and like really sorry. And they're like, is everything else all right? She's like, my fucking hand hurts. And she lifted it up and her finger was like. And even the EMT was like, Jesus Christ. She's going to be really upset about this. She's truly a saint. She had a couple of glasses of wine. She had one bad night. I've never seen anything close to that. She actually kind of chilled. Holy shit. She chilled out after that. She got fucking CTE. It was her rock bottom. I thought a wine taster, you spit the wine back. Yeah, you're supposed to. Not in fucking Appalachia. Yeah, not in Appalachia. That's true also. Alex, seven stories down. One more story to go. Going into the last round. Wow. In last place with zero points. Zero points. Big Jay Oakerson. In fourth place with 13 points, Aaron Weber. In third place with 14 points, Nate Bargatze. In second place with 15 points, Shane Gillis. And in the lead with 18 points, Luis J. Gomez. Guy fucking plays it every week. I couldn't feel slipping through my hands faster. Think like a pancreas. Which leaves you with the confidence to take control of your diabetes. Turning insulin from guesswork into a skill that you can rely on. It reinforces that with the right approach, steady and consistent control of your diabetes is possible. Thank you. I'd like to say this book is also, it's talking about the earned kind of diabetes. Type 1s that God gives you. This is the one you got to go get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You got to get your stripes. Stretch marks, I mean. Alex, one more story. Thanks, Luis. I'm not involved. Is this the last one? That's our final story. You're at the doorstep. And that's fine. That's it? That's it. I'm doing bad? Greatness. Greatness? Dude, here's what I said to you, I leaned into Jay, I was like, "Jay, don't throw it." Like, don't purposefully not guess if you think you know the right one. And it's got to be natural. It's got to be a real zero. Why? You think this feels awesome? I'd be so excited if I was-- I flew here. If I was this-- Couldn't have done this at home on a Wednesday. If I was this close to a zero, I'd be very excited. I would. Would you now? I would. I think it's Thursday. Thursday? Yeah. Yeah. It's still zero points. Put a negative one. You didn't even get the day right. You didn't get the-- No, we do it on Wednesdays at home. It's not going to happen any Wednesday at home. But here, on a Thursday, flew out to eat shit. Alex, story number eight, you twat. Story number eight. When I was 12, I got sick. And was given a suppository. My family asked if I needed help. I said I didn't. I tried to put it in, but couldn't. It hurt so bad that I threw it away and lied about taking it. Reflecting on it, I realized I never took it out of the silver packet that had the corners on it. I don't talk about where that goes. Yeah, you do, dude. I don't. Suppository's fine. Suppository's not fine. Where I'm trying to go, suppository's not fine. That's right. I think it's Jay. It should be. It's not. You talk a lot about-- I know. I know. This should be. This is-- Jay talks a lot about this. Who the fuck had hemorrhoids? Who had hemorrhoids at 12? It's you. Look at me. It's you. It's not me, but whose family, at 12 years old, whose family is asking if you need help? That's what I'm saying. Your fucking crazy heroin mom. Yeah, but he said family. Dang. You think everybody got together to fucking shove this thing up the ass? Yeah. Family is weird. Maybe it said dad in the story, and they changed it. Why? Because I don't have a dad. Oh, right. And if it said my mother asked me if I needed help, yeah, it's you. It's long, though. And you said reflecting on it. That wouldn't be you. There's no way it's Jay, dude. I think it's big Jay. That was terrible. Whatever that was, it's terrible. If it's you, you deserve this zero. It's not me. I kind of want to vote Jay, just in case. So he gets zero. It's not me. It's not me. I know how suppositories work. Aaron's silent. And that a 12, though. Big Jay is my answer. We're going zero. You got to vote for zero. Once in a while. Two votes for Jay. Jay's going, it's going zero. Three votes for big Jay. What are me and Lewis at? No, no, don't tell them the scores. Don't tell them the scores. Why can't I know the score? I'm sure this is part of the game, dude. If I vote big Jay, I lose. Yeah, but Jay can also get zero. If you vote big Jay and it's Jay, he gets the first ever zero. And it's based off of us all knowing it's him. That's Lewis panicking because I think I got it right. You're going to vote for me? Is that the other vote? No, I was going to vote. I was genuinely, I was going to vote for Nate, but I'll go Jay. Jay, it's zero. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Somebody's got a weird ass family. Somebody's got some. I'm happy my mom was drunk and fell down the steps, dude. Somebody was like, do you need to put something in your pot, honey? That's a weird ass fucking family. This changes. This is changing the game. I mean, I change the game crazy. If they told me the score so I could beat Lewis, I would take a shot. Can I beat Lewis if I get it and he gets it wrong? You got to beat Jay. I could? All right, fuck it. No, it's got to be Jay for zero. I understand. No, I'm just not sure it could be anything. What does Jay have to score right now, Alex? For me to have zero, if it's my story. It ain't my story. I don't think you can win. I could win, because he would get it wrong if he picked Jay and it's not Jay. It's not Jay. And if I get it right, I would win. It's not Jay. I've done some positive stories twice, and I did it right both times. What'd you just say? Yeah. Yeah. No, I was-- He said he's done positive stories twice. I think it's Lewis. Yeah. Fuck it, I'll go with-- I'll lose for the fun of him getting zero. We all know it's going to be Jay. Shane. Shane. Ah, but the fans, we need to win. Shane. All right. Shane. All right. Listen, if it's not my story, I can still get zero. But it's not my story. That's Jay. You're not helping me. I'm trying not to vote for you. It's not me. I'm trying really hard. It's definitely you. It's not. But I got to take a shot. Oh, this is going to suck. Shane voting for Aaron. No, that's a mistake. All right, all right, all right. Shane, that's possibly you winning. That's possibly you winning. Would you guys toss around some suppositories in your house? What kind of sickness was it? What the fuck kind of sickness was it? Some kind of Southern crazy shit. You think Aaron? Aaron? No. No. Because he has a big family. Oh, it's Nate. Could be Nate. Nate was excited for me to vote for Jay. The second I took it off-- You're not going to make it zero. Oh. Maybe. Everybody's in, Alex. Our final story. Sorry, number eight. Belongs to Nate Bargatze. No. Wait. But wait, now he might win. Did I get points? Yeah, you got a ton of points. Wait, now Nate might have won. Hold on, wait, wait. Don't go over the points. You fucking idiots. Go over. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You do get points. Nate, tell us this story. Nate did-- Nate talked about butt stuff on "Story Wars." It was medical, though. I ran in by my mom tonight to make sure it was OK. Unlike you, who-- She got a pool. She's all right. Uh, yeah. I had to do good with the points. Uh, I remember I got sick. I had to take a spa. It was my dad. My dad was like, do you know how to do it? And he was like, do you want me to help you? And I said, no. And I go, I got it. It was the worst thing. So it's in, like, that plastic-- it's got corners. Sharp corners. I just try to put the plastic in everything. And I was like, in my head, I'm like, how do they do this? It hurt. And I just didn't do it. And it wasn't until probably pretty later, like, it popped in my head. I go, I bet it-- that's why it's shaped like a bullet. I bet there's something inside. I go, I bet there's something inside that plastic. Because I would always be like, how could people be doing this? You got to see your adult years going like, when the people do it, they're doing something crazy. I go, these guys, what are these doctors doing that they're letting people do this? And that's what happened. You just won, dude. You just won. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I have no idea. Alex, where are our final scores? Great game tonight. Was it? I knew that story. I felt good with that story, because I did not think y'all would think it's me. Nailed it. In last place for the first time in "Story Wars" history with zero points, Big Jay Oakerson! zero zero zero zero zero zero zero wow wow that's insane i was preparing for the letdown of everybody going it's lewis and i go damn showed you i knew something that's crazy well don't worry lewis i didn't fake it you fuck in fourth place with 13 points aaron weber strong showing strong showing in third place with 18 points lewis j gomez yes second place scored nine points lewis j gomez 19 points and your winner tonight with 20 points nate bargatze can i say double the points do you guys know that double zero is still zero holy shit what a game everybody how about a round of applause for our amazing panel aaron weber shane gillis your newest story warrior nate bargatze thank you guys so much for hanging out with us story wars thank you nashville comedy fans thank you nashville comedy fans thank you nashville comedy fans thank you festival man for story wars i'm big j okerson i'm lewis shane gomez thank you guys for hanging out until next time peace good night you