SEXTING, ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, AND THE FRIEND ZONE

All right, my friends. Hello. Hello. It is time to dive into this advice column. I'm really hoping you can help or offer some advice. Your TikTok page is honestly amazing. I can't even describe to you how my brain is rewiring watching your content. Well, thank you so much. I'm glad it's helping. Can you please give advice on sexting? I matched with a guy I wasn't really interested in. He kept messaging and pursuing me until we eventually started properly talking. One thing led to another and we've been sexting. And from that, in casual messaging, I feel attached. Since finding your content, though, I've been slowly letting go and putting myself out there on dates, so I'm not as attached to him. Okay, excellent. I have never done this with any other guy. In fact, I'm not overly experienced sexually. I haven't slept with many men at all. And the last time I did was a few years ago, he's actually aware of this too. Probably another mistake. We have been messaging since September and have yet to meet. He has surgery and is recovering. He's almost at full recovery now and has been able to go out walking. A lot on small drives. However, anytime he mentions meeting up, it falls flat. The last time he asked when I was free, I told him any weekend. And then he said, we'll see with how his recovery is doing. I'm confused over whether he even wants to meet. And also because we have been sexting if he wants to meet up just for that. I have made it clear to him. I'm not just looking for that. And that's not what I'm about. I should also mention that in the beginning of us messaging, he left me on red twice. I took this as him not being interested and deleted him. This was before I found your videos. Then we matched again on Tinder, talked again. And this time, any time we sexted, he would just disappear straight after. He did this twice before and the third time I called him out on it. He didn't come back to me for a full day. And when he did, he apologized. I said that I didn't want to just be a fun time girl. But all he did was say sorry. And there was no reassurance or denial. So I ended up deleting him again. Fast forward over a week and he matches with me on hinge. And now we're talking again. I made it clear that last time he hurt my feelings, which again, he apologized for. So I feel like I've been clear about what I want. Anytime we sext, he also doesn't just disappear straight after. Do you have any advice? How would you approach this? I'm not sure if I should take away sexting all of a sudden, because he might feel like I'm pulling back. Is he even interested or just keeping me about? I don't know. This whole thing is hard to navigate. So any advice on anything would be great. Your content is amazing. I've never dated and finding you now when I'm in this era has been massive for me. I took your advice on a few things and it's really worked and helped. So this is why I'm pouring my heart out to you because I haven't a clue. I'm sure you've heard me say before, to be loving, but run a tight ship. So what you're doing is you're not running a tight ship. So the way that you're acting with all of this, you have taught him that he can do whatever he wants and you're going to be completely fine with it. All he has to do is say, oh, I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings and that's it. That's enough for him to get sexting out of you. Now the number one thing that I am constantly reminding people is do not participate in a dynamic that you do not want. If you don't want a situation ship, then don't have casual sex. If you don't want him to use you as a replacement for chatterbait, then don't sext him. It's very simple. You are actively creating this dynamic and you must take full responsibility for that. I'm allowing this. I'm permitting this. I'm letting him know that it's okay for him to treat me this way. Your words do not matter. I'm sure you've heard me talk about this a lot too. People think that relationships are all about words. It's all about what you say. No, it's not. Wherever you set the standard is what you get. So right now your standard is all he has to do is say, oh, I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings. That's all he has to do. That's where your standard is. That's where you hold it. That's the boundary. So that's what you're going to get. Why are you worried about what he thinks or what he's going to do or if he's going to feel that you're going to pull back when you've never met him? So let me ask you, do you just want a guy to sext? Yes or no? Do you want that or do you want a relationship? If you want a relationship, then why are you participating in this dynamic? There has to be congruency here. Also, one of the questions that I have been getting asked a lot lately is where does the boundary need to be set sexually? So people will ask me like, well, how far can I take it? And my answer is you can take it as far as you want up to the point where you start getting attached. That's where I would draw the line. So in this case, if you know that sexting makes you attached and I would actually argue to me, it sounds like texting alone will get you attached. So you have to exercise self-awareness around that and I would recommend that if you're going to be online dating, you can't be doing a bunch of texting before meeting. Like excessive texting is going to get you attached to people that you've never met because that's already happened. And so you need to exercise restraint around that and set a deadline for how soon a date needs to happen if you're meeting people online. When it comes to sexual boundaries, everyone is going to be different. So people are always like, will our blow jobs okay? Or is it just vaginal sex? Well, I've even been asked, is anal okay? Is it okay if I have anal sex? But not vaginal sex, I'm like, okay, I'm just laughing because it's like, I cannot answer these questions for you guys because everyone is different. Obviously in this example, it's like, sexting is enough to get you attached. For other people, they can have oral sex and be completely fine. I also have women in my common section a lot of the time that tell me they can have sex with men like vaginal sex and not get emotionally attached. And every time I get that comment on my page, I always wonder if she's disconnected from her body because I don't know how you can be really connected to your body and present in your body and experience zero emotional attachment. That's actually it's flagging something for me when people say that. I mean, everyone's different. If you're capable of casual sex, who am I to judge, right? You do whatever you want. But I always wonder, there's this little thought in the back of my mind that is always asking, are you numb? Is your body totally numb? And that's what's causing this? I don't know. I just wonder. Okay, let's get back to this question. How would I approach this? Well, set a clear limit for how soon a date needs to happen when you're talking to people online. Like how soon does it need to be scheduled? How soon does it need to happen? I would assume within the first couple of weeks, like so that you have a little time to chat, not excessively, but just like to feel the person out, schedule a date, and then get to it. But definitely no sexting, no excessive messaging. None of that. The other thing is remember, you need to be very, very, very clear about what you want and hold the standard there. You have to take full responsibility for what you are permitting, what you're creating, and what you're doing in the relationship. That's very, very important. Okay, let's answer the next one. The man I'm seeing is 35, but he doesn't have much experience with women. He doesn't even know how to unhook a bra, which is why he doesn't want a relationship. We had sex after the fourth date, but he had issues with his erection. He wanted to be perfect and it just didn't work. A few days later, he texted saying he wants to be friends with benefits at most and sees it only as a short term thing. You want my opinion on this? Okay, here's my question for you. Would you like a casual sexual relationship that does not involve you being sexually gratified, unless you're into this, unless it's like a kink thing, where you really like the idea of being with a man who's struggling with a reptile dysfunction. Do you want that? Do you like that? Are you okay with a very short term relationship? Do you like that? If those are the things that you want, then go ahead. What you see is what you get. I would take his words seriously, so I hope you're not considering, oh, well, he's saying this, but no, I actually think this is like a man that I can build a future with who wants a long-term relationship. No, take him at his value and go from there. Obviously, the theme of this week is if you are going to participate in a dynamic, just understand that that's what you're agreeing to, that's what you're saying yes to, and if you do not want a particular dynamic, then you should not participate in it to begin with. It's very, very simple. All right, let's do another. Two years ago, I matched with a guy on a dating app and we texted for a couple of days than he ghosted me. A few months later, I moved to his city and we ended up in the same friend group. At the time, he was dating someone else, so I assumed he wasn't interested. That relationship ended shortly after. Over the last three months, he's been seeking me out in person, remembers details about me, flirts, and texts me a lot. He also texts other female friends, so I'm not sure if I'm being singled out, but it feels different. I wasn't initially interested, but his attention has made me start liking him. I don't know if I fully like him enough to ask if he's interested and I don't want to be a pen pal or stuck in the friend zone. How can I tell if he's genuinely interested, but hesitant or just enjoys the attention? Based on your message, what it sounds like to me is you would not be interested if he wasn't texting you all the time. So now we have another situation where texting has essentially created some level of attachment, even if it's minor. So as the person who's reading this, I am not sold on your interest. I'm not convinced that you're actually into him. Now, this might be a really controversial opinion, but I don't really believe in platonic co-ed relationships like this. You guys are basically in your 30s. And I mean, it's like a guy in his mid 30s that's sitting around texting a bunch of female friends all day. I don't know about that. That's not the same thing as just hanging out in a co-ed friend group. That's totally different. Let me give you an example. So I have a childhood friend who's obviously a guy my age and we're genuinely platonic friends, but I actually think that it would be inappropriate for me to be texting him all the time. Like at this age, I think it would be weird if I was chatting with him all the time. Also, think about it like this. If you had a boyfriend right now, would your relationship with him, the way that it is, the texting all the time, would that be appropriate? And if it wouldn't be appropriate, then doesn't that imply there's some type of sexual energetic exchange? And I want to be clear. I'm not talking about sexting or some type of overt sexual advances or a behavior. One of my favorite polarity teachers is David Data. And the way that he describes this is it's like a little sex. So it has nothing to do with sexual acts. In the same way, I'm sure you've heard the expression I fucking. If you I fuck someone, there's obviously a lot of sexual energy in that exchange, even though there may not be any type of physical contact at all. But a sexual exchange is still happening in that moment. So if you were to get yourself dolled up, you put on an outfit you really like, you do your makeup all nice, and then you go out to dinner with this guy, there is sexual energy in that experience. And I mean, we're being willfully ignorant if we think there's no sexual energy in that. So this is why I'm questioning the fact that basically he's approaching his mid thirties and has a bunch of female friends that he's texting all the time. You know, to me, it's like that's for children. Like that's something that you do when you're 19, 20, like that's when it actually makes sense. But I think as you mature and grow, that doesn't really make sense anymore. At a certain point, if you want a serious relationship or to build a life with someone, I don't know, that behavior just doesn't really make sense to me. And look, here's the other possibility. I could just be particularly uptight. Okay, that that could also totally be the case. Because like all of you know, I run a tight ship. So I'm very unattracted to unserious men or men that have horish behavior. That's very repulsive to me. In conclusion, here are some possibilities. Now, what I think is the most likely is you're not actually into him. You've just been texting a lot. And like you said, you don't want to be a pen-puller stuck in the friend zone. Well, yeah, you don't have to participate in those dynamics. Voluntary participation is your choice. So like I said earlier, I don't have male friends that I'm texting all of the time because that is a form of intimacy. And also, it would be completely inappropriate. Right, can you imagine? I'm with the love of my life and then I have all of these casual guy friends that I'm texting all of the time. No, no. Now, if I was wrong and really you are super into him, you do want this relationship, you do want there to be more, then you can totally put all your cards out on the table. You know, take the emotional risk, let him know how you feel. You can totally do that and see what happens. And then the third possibility is I'm just a prude. I'm just an uptight prude who will not accept anything other than the most epic relationship of a lifetime. And I'm projecting that onto the situation and I'm completely wrong. So that could also be the third possibility. But ultimately, no matter what the case is, you really have to keep your finger on the pulse of your desire. And what you actually want, do not participate in anything that is not what you want. As a reminder for everyone who is listening to this, we have the texting magic masterclass coming up on January 27th, where we are going to alchemize your texting anxiety. We are going to take that dread and we are going to turn it into security. And I'm going to show you how to do that. So we have that coming up on the 27th and then February is obviously going to be a very, very, very big month. There's a lot of stuff going on. So if you want all the details about that, you can go check that out in the show notes. And if you would like me to answer your specific question to your specific situation, you are more than welcome to fill out the podcast of mission form. The link for that is also in the show notes. And that's all for now. Have a beautiful rest of your week and I will talk to you next time.