..... Sex

[Music] Hey y'all! It's the worst part. I'm Megan. I'm candy. She's always laughing. Oh god. Okay. So, the best part about this week. What would you say is the best part about this whole week that you have had? So, I'm going to give you a secret surprise. No answer. A secret look into what the episode is going to be. Office flirting is awesome. You have like some person at your office that you just casually flirt with for no reason. What is this like five? Well, see, I work in a mostly female dominated office and I am a heterosexual female. So, I mean, if you've got five guys that you can go to town on, I'm flirt-wise. Yeah, so that's been the best part of my week. I'm just casual flirting and somebody who says not inappropriate things at the office, but they might be. You could take it as either way. Those are my favorite words. Like, did you mean that? Or did you mean that? Like, do you mean this? Or that? You know what I mean? Exactly. You were going for it. I don't know. I will say the best part of this week. Jesus, I don't know. Maybe Jesus. We maybe Jesus. I don't know. Probably a similar sentiment, but I'm so I'm moving back home, which is BFE USA. I think it's the South. It is South of the Mason Dixon. But I've been rekindling some friendships, if you know what I mean. And that should have fun. That should have fun. So, like, I guess maybe the best part was the same kind of thing, but in a different environment. So, I'm just flirting with old friends. Yes. Maybe getting the D. So, now to go into the worst part of this week. What would be the worst part of the whole week? Whole week, seven days. What was the worst part? I'm about to get for reels. I am. I am. I am a 30 something year old woman who is divorced and who has been in a, shall we call, "loveless" marriage for a while. And I'm not talking about emotional love. I am talking about physical love. I am talking about the fact that my ex-husband would not hug me. Would not kiss me. And could not have sex with me. Yeah. I can't even get the babies. I, you would think. You would think that all it would take some time. I would think it to you. Yes. Yes. I'm not trying to be gross, but like. But like, I am not, I am a well endowed woman. Yes. And you are pretty. Like, you are super pretty. And I don't understand why when I would go out to my husband and say, "Hey, babe, I love you." And then I would kiss him. He would physically recoil away from me. So, whatever. Since we have been decided to get a divorce, it has been. We don't sleep together in the same room. I mean, obviously we're living in the same house because I'm about to leave. But, you know, to pass the time and to get some of that much needed male attention, I made an internet dating profile. Now, from what I understood in TV and movies, is that if you create, say, a very popular swipe left or right dating profile. Yes. Right. Right. That it would be like shooting fish in a barrel or better yet shooting fish that have fallen out of the barrel and onto the ground and are going to be, you know, one shot won't kill anyway. So. That is what I. That is what I have been left to believe by popular culture. And let me tell you something. Popular culture, fucking lied. It has been so hard to get some random ass dude to just fuck me. I really. I live by a base, right? I live by. I live by no joke. Desert Central six military bases. What the fuck? And I cannot get laid to save my fucking life. And then. God. I can't. I did not get laid this week. Okay. That's how we're going to wear this. Megan did not get laid this week. But it's like there's options, but they all fall in love is my issue. Like they all get to clean. They all get too much feelings. They all get to like involved and it's like, hey, I want to. I want you inside of me and I want you to go to the fuck house. Like the end. We can stay friends if you want. Like if you want to know how I'm doing in life. Sure. But. Okay. Fine. Yes. But I don't need to know your name. I don't need to know your kids names. I don't need to know what your grossest weirdest. Most. Like skin crawling fantasies are because we are they're not going to happen. Yeah. I just I just want you. No, I want to to walk into your bed. To have some earth shattering sex. And then I want to put on my clothes and leave and then never fucking talk to you again. How hard is that? Well, because I think with men, I think it's assumed that we work more than that. But we don't always like sometimes sure. Sometimes I get my little feels wrapped up. Okay. It happens. But I would say 90% of the time. I just want your dick and tiny. I just want to come. How hard is that? But here's a thing is the. So I have I have this profile and. I just want to say that I have this. This is just like, yeah, let's hit and quit it. Like are so gross. Like. Gentleman gentlemen, gentlemen, and ladies. Please. The pictures that you put on your dating profile science. Take a shower. Take a fucking shower. I don't agree. Greasy dirty. Like I understand if you have a job that like you're a mechanic or or your construction or whatever. But if you just look like you've been strung out on meth for three days and you're just a ball of grease and like baggy eyes. Do you know what I mean? Like those. I do. I do. Wash your hair. Wash your hair. BFEOGLE HUM. Of course I know what you mean. Second of all, I don't give two flying bucks about your workout at the goddamn gym. I don't stop taking gym pictures. Nobody cares. The only people who care are the kind of people who are going to cheat on you. At least I am being honest. I don't want to cheat on you because I don't want you around for more than maybe one or two visits. Like that's it. So gym like I will immediately swipe left on the gym picture. Yeah. I will too because it's not realistic. It's not. Well, and usually those gym pictures are like four years old. Well, I have come to find out it's like you have a little bit of muscle in your arms left and then you got a dad bod, which is fine. Which is fine. I would rather sleep with a guy with a dad bod because you know what gym pictures tell me. Especially if you were like fucking ripped that you spend more time in the gym than you do anywhere. else in your life. So why would I want to spend time with somebody who's going to be more busy looking at himself in the mirror doing curls than he is going down on me? Like no and I totally get that so those I'm kind of like last but the right guys are the ones who are like they'll have a gym picture makes in with a picture of their kids which makes in with a picture of them like in the military because I'm weird about that shit. Oh sweetheart yeah I know. Then with them doing family shit like the family shit in the military shit gets me the fuck off. Like let's go. Let's go. You're your dad and you were in the military let's fucking go and that's like fucking 70% of them but you know well and that's not an accurate percentage but you know what I mean? Yeah well I mean where I live that's if somebody doesn't have a military picture even if it's from them in Iraq 10 years ago like everyone's got one up. I have one. I have one from when I have a deployed so I don't have one. Yeah but okay so no grease ball pictures no gym. I love it. And and because of the area that I live in it's very outdoorsy like very very very very very outdoorsy kind of like if you don't do outdoorsy stuff you're a freak so all of these guys have pictures of them like hiking up mountains and snowboarding and um you know doing marathons and triathlons and cycling on their bikes and it's just this whole thing and it's like oh god you just I don't want to date you because you go outside I want to date I don't want to date you but I want you to be inside of me inside the building where where all the fun stuff happens. So so like all those like super duper outdoorsy pictures like it's fine if there's one or two but like if there's a picture of you with like your t-shirt tied around your head like a bandana like you're in um oh crap what was the name of that movie uh tropic thunder oh my god yeah do you remember in tropic thunder when Ben still are like tied the thing around his head he's like we're going out into this out into this forest or whatever like a lot of the guys around here have pictures of them in ranger panties with like their t-shirt or like a bandana tied around their forehead because they've been hiking all day and they've got him handled back on it's like go fuck yourself I do not care I do not care actually you look kind of douchey so I'm just I'm not I'm not going to I got into an argue with my it's a really good friend of mine that we try to be more friends that did work anyway um today because he was like I just want to shoot tear risks and I'm like guys do you know how douchey you sound you sound like one of those guys like those guys hashtag those guys those guys that we made fun of like years ago like please stop that we don't fucking want to shoot tear risks like that's not the fucking goal like and it's it's sad because he did fucking funeral detail and shit why he sees yeah he sees the aftermath you know what I mean yeah I'm like I get it you wanted to play and do something fucking meaningful okay but you already did you did fucking funeral details that's the most meaningful shit ever but whatever and then he fucking called me this morning and long story short he was like you're right I'm wrong like this shit you're right it's fucking um so hey Megan when are you exactly going to be sleeping with him next I already did okay a couple of times next will probably be a couple of months from now next because because the turnaround on that was pretty severe so I'm wondering what kind of um well I got dick on dick everywhere I got ascetic I got fucking prior EOS he dick all right I got dick on dick on dick I got maybe it's a dick whatever dick I want for him prior high school dick one dude went to the navy that I'm really talking to you he's okay here is a question for you okay a philosophical fucking question okay do you pick the one that is sweet and kind to you and like cute but not like fucking sexy okay or do you pick the fucking sexy one that you're worried might cheat on you or like I don't know what you're your motives what do you pick if you have to pick I pick the guy who is not the ultra super attractive guy and the reason is because not because I actually think that he will cheat on me but because in my experience in my experience with a wink not wink wink yeah um uh those the super attractive guys do not try hard and bad they rest they rest their laurels on the fact that they are attractive and they expect you to do all the work because you should be so grateful that you were sleeping with them that you'll do anything whereas the guys who are about my attractive level and and maybe not I mean they they have something obviously that is attractive but they are not classically attractive physically because because maybe guys and one of them is like super attractive one of them is like attractive like I'm physically like my vagina gets happy with both okay like let's not let's not make them seem like they're ugly they're not neither of them is ugly I don't want them to think that they're ugly I don't want anyone else to think that they're ugly because they're not but like basically I guess if we could put it into a nutshell is like physical attractiveness so much of a fucking issue to wear like trust and basic relationship bullshit is more important or should you focus on the more important bullshit like trust and honesty and fucking fidelity and all that kind of stuff well it really depends on what your end goal is like if your end goal is just to sleep with somebody like fuck it doesn't matter if your end if your end goal is to repeatedly sleep with somebody I mean maybe fidelity doesn't matter because you're not really dating them but some amount of loyalty does well I guess it is fidelity whatever but but like if you're trying to date them then yeah fidelity matters yeah like honesty matters yeah trust matters but I will say this for you Megan your ex-husband is very attractive yes he is because I remember him he is very attractive he is my cousin was like he's okay and I was like he's okay bitch like no I don't does she ever see him like him we say that his house we say that her house it was like he's not really my type and I was like God he's fucking tall dark and handsome but he was really good in the uniform oh my god really good in the money in a uniform holy shit he looks good in uniform uh yes he does fuck he does yeah so sorry yeah sorry but no need to apologize like I get it I mean at the end of the day I mean for me for me because because when I got married to Dan I he was not my physical he was not the guy that I would normally try to date like he was normally the kind of guys that I I personally and physically attracted to are a bit bigger like they have dad their you know dad bods it's fine I love dad bod fuck him I love it and you know usually they have you know beards or they have that super duper military haircut because again that I and for those of you who are gonna call a fucking tag chaser I wore those tags so yeah I am I mean I really like that that kind of guy that very strong very masculine kind of guy it's like I want some dude to have a dick that's bigger than my metaphorical dick well yes also that like if if you're if you are okay I'm gonna wait hang on if you're pussy that's not bad because a pussy will take a pounding all night long get a gatorade and ask for more. - Yeah. - Tesco's, you ball sack, you empty sack of balls. You get tapped once and you're on the ground crying. So go fuck yourself, you're a ball sack. So these little ball sacks that walk around, like trying to. - Like, my ex has been as a biker. And he. There are some very nice bikers around here. But you know what, being married to a biker has taught me that bikers are a bunch of ball sacks. - No, no! - I know, I know it's very controversial and somebody might have mad at me. - Oh, somebody's gonna. - Fronten me with human trafficking or whatever, I don't care. I watched one of the. Most high ranking members of one of the largest motorcycle clubs in the US that is known for their illegal activities. Step on somebody's shoes because they were the wrong color. Now, listen. - Is that 12 year old? - 12 person. - Yeah. - 12 year old ball sack. Stop it. You are not. - Fundamental reasons to have some. And issue with the one shirt, but if it's just the color of skin, you'll fuck yourself. - No, I don't have time for that. - Megan, it wasn't even that. It was his clothes. It was the clothes that he was wearing. He was a living embodiment of the movie Mean Girls. You can't sit with us because you're not wearing pink. I'm not even joking. - Yeah, fuck that. - You wanna come at me and be a big ol' badass on your Harley Davis end. It's too loud because you think it's cool. Look, sweetheart. I've seen 98 pound girls who are tougher than you. You need to back the fuck off. And what are you gonna do? You're gonna shoot me? Okay, I'm a white woman in America. Like. - I ain't got things to do. - Why? I do not. I give no shit. You are not tough. Now, I will say this. If you come up to me and you say hi and you ask me how I'm doing and you actually pay attention to what I'm saying, I will fuck you until you cannot move. I will suck the cum right out ya until there is nothing left but the marrow in your bones. - Did I tell you about the fun story I had today when I went to the walls? (laughs) - Okay. So I went to the store. It's like, imagine a really janky of Ross. Okay. - Okay. - Like Ross, TJ Maxx, like imagine the jankiest virgin you could imagine, okay. I walk in there. This motherfucker tells me how I might touch you on my leg. I have an owl on my leg, right? He was telling me how it accentuates the features of my leg. I'm like, okay, thanks, guys, bye. - That's a weird compliment by the way. - Right, right, it is. You've not started off well. - Right. So he's mine, okay, let me paint a bigger picture. He's on his scooter in this store. Okay, he's all this fuck on the scooter in this store. (laughs) - He's following me. - Was he wearing a snapback? - Yeah. - Okay. - No. - Damn it, I was really hoping. - But he's in a button up little shirt. So we got that going for it. Okay, yep. So I'm like, all right, so I'm just gonna keep walking. I keep walking, I keep walking, I keep walking. There's this weird guy in a scooter following me. Okay, he keeps following me. And he keeps saying dumb shit about my legs and how my legs are the best he's ever seen. Like, has anybody ever told me how my legs are? - Is he gonna eat you? Is he a cannibal? - Hi. I wish it went that way because that would be a better story. But no. And then we get to the checkout line 'cause I was like, you know what? I'm done shopping at this store. It's like a ross. So it's like, or TJ Maxx or Marshalls or a Bloomingdale's. No, not Bloomingdale's. What's that story? - I forget. - Anyway, so you go in there and there's like a variety of bullshit, right? Like you can get your knives and your coats and your shorts there on the same place, right? - And you can. - So it's one of those stores. And I'm like, all right, I got my knives and my coats and my shorts. (laughing) - Well, also he was creeping me out. So I was like, I'm gonna go. I got my assy nail polish, you know, half-offs, like, fuck yeah. So I go to the checkout line. This motherfucker, I can't do not, says, are you gonna take away my view? - You're the motherfucker. - What? - I would have jumped across and beat the shit out of him with his own goddamn scooter. (laughing) - That was scooters. - Yes, but that's the thing, 'cause he had a scooter, right? He had a scooter, so we gotta be careful. - Wait, why was he riding a scooter around in a store? - I don't know, I didn't ask that many fucking questions. - Well, yes, I understand. I get that you didn't ask him any questions, but just like philosophically, what possesses a person who is above the age of, mm, seven, to ride a scooter around in a store? And also, how do you think that that is attractive? Like, how do you think that that behavior that you have just presented to the world is attractive? - Yeah, I don't know. - I don't know. - I don't know. - I don't wanna be one of these, like, super bitchy, like, female, like, oh, men are bad, because not all men are bad. I really want to stress that. But I will give you another internet dating story. I was chatting with this guy, and I was like, hey, let's hook up tonight. It'll be great. We can, you know, do, you know, we can hook up and we never have to talk to each other again. And he's like, awesome, that sounds great. And then he proceeds to describe to me in what one might call excruciating detail, love his fantasies and fetishes. - Oh no. - Hello, gentlemen. This is Cammy speaking. Word of advice. Maybe keep the mystery alive. You know, hide something. Keep it, keep it back to entice them for a little bit. Don't tell them how many objects you can put up your asshole. (cow mooing) - No, didn't happen. - No, we didn't. No, we didn't. Because, because here's a thing. This was a guy who had a beard and he had beautiful eyes. And he was, you know, just the right amount of just like height and weight and he had this really great smile and he was really polite. And then he went into excruciating details about how much he comes. - No. - No. - And what his fetishes are. And then when I said, hey bro, women really don't care about how much you come. He said, oh, well, I just like to forewarn people so they don't gag. And I was like, a fucking block. Like. (cow mooing) - No. - No. - Nobody wants to hear about that. - No. - No, they don't. The only person who wants to hear about that is you. And really do you want to hear about that? Because the second that I swear to God the next time that that happens, because I have no doubt in my mind that it will happen again. I'm just gonna start talking about my period. I'm just gonna start talking about like vaginal discharge. - Yes. - And just see how much they like it. Because it's gross. And I'm not saying that, come is gross. I'm not saying that an orgasm is gross. Because I love those two things. I love seeing the look on a man's face when he finally orgasms. Because to me, that is beautiful. What I am talking about is when guys say, well, I'm gonna come on your stomach and then I'm gonna rub it all around and put it in your pussy. And it's like, hey guy, stop it. (laughing) Hey guy, no. Like, I'm gonna watch it goop out of you. Oh, hey guy, no, you're not. I like to write a bear back. 'Cause I like to feel things. Hey guy. (laughing) - Yeah. - You know what I mean? Like there is a limit. There is sexy talk. And then there is TMI. Like if you wanna talk about kissing me, if you wanna talk about rubbing your hands on me, that's fine. But- - Hands across every fucking curve. Yeah, that's different than like, I wanna watch the come dirt out of your fucking pussy onto the sheets. It's like - Oh! - So that's what we get pregnant. Like no, that's not what I wanna watch. (laughs) - And like, I get that I am kind of in this, you know, hit it in quid it kind of mood, but that doesn't mean that you don't will a girl. That doesn't mean that you are excused from trying. Because you still need to try. Because I need to feel like I am wanted enough in that bed or in that car or in that whatever. - Yeah, in that house. - To the back, stay house. - Yeah, right. Although I will say, I am not, I am not giving you a blowjob in the back of your car. I am not 16. My knees don't work that way anymore. My hips don't work that way anymore. - Mine are you. (laughs) - Sorry. (laughs) - It's fine if you've been going at it for a little bit, but if you say, "Well, hey, can you fit in the back of my car "to get me a blowjob?" Like, no, I can't. - That's gross, no. But if it's just like, hey, we're kissing in your car, we just had an outback steak house meal. (laughs) - Why not? - Let me put that in my face. Like, that's a different fucking story. Yeah. - But I've had men in outbacked legs. (laughs) - Are we just gonna start calling your hookups just like, going to the outback? Because-- - Wait, shoot! Thank you. - I really want-- (laughs) - I've been two of those. Oh, shit. (laughs) - Megan, what is it exactly about the outback steak house that turned you on so much? - Dude, the Blooming Onion. You see it? (laughs) Oh my shit. That fucking Blooming Onion. It gives me, it just melts, it's oniony, it's crunchy. (laughs) (laughs) - Just soft and firm. (laughs) - I am dying. (laughs) - I love the Blooming Onion. - Oh, my God. - Fuck your mouth. - Going to the outback, guys. I'm going to the outback. - We shouldn't go to the outback. I mean, it's gonna get Megan. It's bad. I even like the outback steak house plates. - But you don't want to go into the real outback. Okay, so that's not a reference. (laughs) I just, I just, I don't know. It's been like a hot minute since I've done like any, like dating, let alone internet dating. And so, the idea that, that one, it's not easy to get somebody in bed. But two, that grown ass men, even now, even now, think that the overshare is still okay. Not cool, man. Not cool. And so, like the worst part of, the genuinely, the worst part of my week was finding these guys and thinking, oh my God, you're hot. I could totally bone you. And then talking to them. And it was just, - No, yes. - It was just untenable. It was just, - I can't tell you how many times, like recently, that I've been like, you know what, to see quiet, let me fill in your face. Like, please stop talking, because you talking is fucking ruining everything. - It's ruining it. - It really is. And it's not as though, it's not as though, I'm not trying, because I did, I talked to one of my, one of my old friends the other day about this, because he came down to visit me. And I was still kind of, like, divorce, like, I still don't want to like dishonor my husband. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. - I get it. I get it. It's fucking weird. It's so weird that caught me of bullshit. - Yep. - We had, we had dated a long time ago. And when, he came down to visit me, he said, you know, hey, and genuinely, as a friend, said, hey, I know you haven't been satisfied in a while, because it's something that we talk about. And I know that this is a big deal to you. So like, if you want, I can stay, and we can hook up, and it'll be fine. And I'm trying to say this in such a way, like, this is not creepy. He was not doing this because he wanted to get laid or because he wanted in my pants, but because he-- - He's being nice. - Yeah, like, I would have friends. - He understood it was something that I genuinely need. Like, I genuinely need physical affection. And I have just haven't gotten it in my marriage, because my husband doesn't believe in physical affection, ex-husband ever. So-- - He has to be at service, yeah. - Yeah. So yeah, I said, no, I can't. Like, I just, I don't wanna, you know, I'm afraid that if I do that, that I won't look at you the same way, and I don't wanna lose a friendship that we have, because I really do value you as a person. And he said, that's okay, I totally understand. And, you know, I get it. And I said, and look, I have set this line, because I know that the second that I even go a little bit to the line that I will cross the line, and I will regret it. And I don't wanna do that. And to his credit, when I finally did break down and say, ooh, let's just make out a little bit, he said no, because you know what's gonna happen. You don't wanna ruin our friendship. I am doing this because I am your friend. So he was really kind of wonderful about it. And then he texted me the next day, and said, I really regret turning you down. And I said, I really regret telling you to turn me down, because now everyone's in a well, we'll text each other and say, the internet sucks. This dating site sucks. There's no one here that seems to be worth having sex with. Why don't we just sleep with each other? And it, like, I just, I need, I need physical affection. I need somebody to hug me and kiss me and tell me I'm pretty, and then, you know, give me an earth shattering orgasm. And then move on. And I have not gotten that. I have not, I have been responsible for my own orgasms in three years. For three years. Why am the only person who has been responsible for my orgasms? - See a nanana though. - Okay, first off, there's two toys you going at. Okay, one of them is purple and it has a clip from the top. And it has a phone vibrating piece on the bottom. Okay, amazing. And then my friend got me, okay, so if she told me about that one, and then she also sent me another toy for fun, from "Aber of Day." And it was just just the clip-sector part. - Yeah. Oh no. - I don't know. - I'm not, I'm not talking about toys. Because I have those and I use those. - I don't know. - Regular. - Those two toys are fucking amazing. But I don't even need men. It made me feel like I don't need them. And if I want them, I want them. But I don't need them. I have a quiz. I don't fucking need them. - But I've also been using the same toys for four years. And like I, they're great. They're excellent. I highly recommend finding yourself just a really good vibrator. What I am talking about is is the weight of another person on top of you. Is that feeling of somebody's hands gripping your sides? Is the sensation of somebody who can't kiss you hard enough? Like those are the things that I miss. Those are the things that I want. And internet dating is so amazing. - I understand how marriage doesn't make that happen. It's so weird when, okay, question. And this is just a question. If you want to say go fuck yourself, say go fuck yourself. But when you said I want to get a divorce, did your ex-husband-- - No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no. - No, let me interrupt you right here. I did not ask for the divorce. - Oh, okay, that's different. - Yeah. - I did. I was like, hey, I want a divorce, but hey, I still want to fuck because I want to see what it feels like. And we fucked. And it was so, it wasn't what I was expecting. Like I was expecting this big, huge fucking illuminating event to stay together. And it didn't work that way. - No, it feels the same. - I envisioned him fucking other woman. The end, like, That's what happens. And I'm curious if that same kind of thing happened to you. No, because we have not had sex. We had not had sex in four months when he asked me for a divorce. And really, and really honestly, the sex that we had been having was not enjoyable. It was, hey, I have a heart on. Let's do this. And there was no, you know, four play. The big passionate like, I want to know, and not I love to appreciate it. And my ankles and my fucking calves and my sucking hips and my waist. Like, I want to feel everything to be appreciated. Like, I want to feel it all appreciated. And not everybody feels that way. And it's like, if they don't, then what the fuck are we doing here? You know, I just, you know, like my body, then what the fuck are we doing here? I mean, and I understand, I understand that people go through like ups and downs. But I really want to, I want to smash this cliche of the second that you get married, your wife stops having sex with you. Because let me tell you something, at least in my marriage, the second we got married, my husband stopped having sex with me. It wasn't that I didn't ask. It wasn't that I didn't try. It wasn't that I didn't go out of my way. It was that he just wouldn't. And then it was, he couldn't. And then it was, he just doesn't. And so it went through all of these stages. And even when we did have sex, it was like once every six weeks or two months. And it was unsatisfying and quick and, and just disappointing in the worst kind of way. So when I say that I am on these internet dating sites, because I want to hook up, it's not because I want to, and I, whatever, if you want to go slotted up fine, I personally want to go slutt it up. I want to have sex. I want to, to, to not even be like appreciated long term. Just, just, I just want to be appreciated period. And the fact that my husband would look at me and say, ah, I just, I just can't. I just don't want to. Like nothing broke my heart more in our marriage when he would physically wince when I kissed him. So, so yes, I will, I will slog through these fucking guys who are gross. I will do that because I want to have sex people. So I mean, so for you, for you, why? And I'm, I, sweetheart, I'm not going to judge you. But why do you feel like you just want to go out and fuck everything? Do you, or do you know why? I can tell you what right now. I just want to be appreciated. And I know that that sounds shitty and I know it sounds stupid, but like I want to be appreciated and loved and not even loved is in like love, love, love. No, I make children. But like loved in a way that's like, you know what? I, as the human, appreciate you as a human. It just doesn't have to be more than that. Like, and men don't understand that. They're like, when they start using the L word, it's like, okay, we're making babies. We're best friends and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we can love one another and just enjoy what this is. Whatever quote this quote is, like we can, we can enjoy whatever this is in its own little bubble of moment. But not everything is for longevity. I am not going to love you forever, but I will love you tonight. And I mean, it didn't, didn't like Casanova say that or something. Like that was that stupid, he fled, he fled your movie where he was like, fucking and none. He's like, oh, you were the one tonight. And she was like, oh, Casanova. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, so do you, do you do internet dating, though? Do you do the online stuff? So I tried for like all of two seconds. And I was like, this is something dumb. I have enough dick that is in my life. Like, I don't need that. But I try, I am so jealous because in a wild turn of events, most of my friends have turned out to be female. And I'm telling you, females can get you off more than men can like, fuck men. Real talk, we got toys, we've got technology. We don't need them. No, I'm so serious. No, I just, I'm talking necessary tools. No, when you said that, I like it, think was we have the technology we can rebuild him. Like, I just thought of the million dollar man. But we can like, I know of the road, but like, I don't need men. I have toys. I have fucking double A batteries. I'm fine. I don't need them. I am fucking fine. And my toys plug into a fucking whatever battery system we use in the fucking USA. Okay. Like, I don't need them. I don't need it. I don't need their fucking cock. I don't need it. Yeah, but I do. So yeah, but because you haven't tried the luxury toys. Okay. I have spent a good portion of my money luxury toys. But you know what part of it is? Is every time I look at them, I think about, and it's a psychological thing. I know it is. But every time I look at them, I think about how many times my husband did not get me off. And I have serious. Yes. That's, it is totally psychological. That's the reason why is because I, I just think about how he failed as a, as a lover. I hate that word. How he failed as a husband in the bedroom because he just was selfish. And I mean, if that's some allegory for our entire marriage, like, I don't know what is, but, but, you know, I, I, I am being ever so hopeful with internet dating. And actually, I do have a date that is scheduled for Sunday with a black Hawk mechanic. Oh, fuck the black Hawk. So, all right. Because Shunuks are better. Well, I'm telling you, Shunuks are better. And we do talk about that a lot. But, okay, you should tell him to go fuck himself. But when I said, Oh, you're a black, or I said, Okay, well, because he, okay, hey, yeah. So he told me that he worked on how he said hang on. He said, I work on helicopters. I'm a mechanic. And I said, Oh, what kind of mechanic? And he said, Oh, I'm not gay. I don't do a patchy and I was like, Oh, I fucking love it because I can't be crutchyves. I fucking love it. I love him already. Can you please marry him like he's the one. I know, I know, I know that that was a really entirely inappropriate thing for him to say to the gay community. But if you worked in helicopters, a patchy is only carried to people and they don't really like to mix gender, their pilots. So, it's usually two women or two men. And a patchies are the worst helicopters in the entire world. They cannot fly. They're broken half the time. And the people who fly them are usually the biggest duchess in the army. I mean, outside of the cab scouts, but in aviation, I really hate them so much. So, I mean, okay. But so, I mean, we talk about, and this, this is a pro tip for all of you out there who are looking to get laid. You know what we talk about? We talk about shitty aircraft. And we talk about shitty army stuff. And then he asks me how my day is. And I tell him about terrible soldiers or terrible bosses, or I just talked to him about my day. And it's not, it's not any, I'm not trying to build a connection with him. That's really not what it is. Excuse me, but it is a polite conversation. You, it is possible to have a polite conversation with a female without being gross or douchey. Okay. Yeah. Rules of internet dating. But I don't think they see it as that way. Like I don't think they see it as. No, because he has crossed the line a couple of times and I have had to say, "Hey, stop it. You talked to me like that again and I won't ever talk to you again and we won't ever have sex." So, stop it. And that's really what it took is, "Hey, if somebody's being gross or inappropriate, you can tell them to stop. If you really like the way the conversation is going and then all of a sudden they do something that's like inappropriate, say, "Hey, guy, not cool." And then move on. It doesn't have to be a woman. And you don't have to block them. I mean, unless it's just awful. But like you can continue to talk to somebody after you've corrected them. It's okay. It's hard to, but yeah, it's okay. But like it's hard to. It's hard, yeah, but you know, also being an adult means allowing people to grow and learn. So, even if it's just in a second, like if he's learned to not ask me for no jokes, "Hey, can I get pictures of your pussy?" "Hey, guy, not appropriate. Stop it." Oh, but no. You don't ask people that's gross. Okay. And he's never done it again. And that's all it took. It took one time for me to say, "Not cool. Stop." And that was it. Yeah. So, if you can do that, if you can say, "No," or if you've done something gross and they say, "No," and then you stop doing that gross thing, then you're good. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So, sorry. Let me to be sorry. What? So, what are you? Well, let's see. How much time do we have left? Do we have a bunch of time? Yeah, we have a bunch of time. So, like, I don't know what you're deciding between people. I'm also super jealous of that. I don't know. I have like the worst part about this week is the fact I didn't get late, right? Like, I had to get myself off. Even though I have people, but like, I had to make a choice because I don't want to be unethical, right? Like, I don't want to lead them on to make them think certain fucking things. So, yes, there was a choice there. Okay. Now, there's about three or four. We'll say four. Let's go with four. Okay. Of like, potential shooters. Let's go. Oh, nice. This is so bad. This is so bad. And I just, I don't know. Like, there's pros and cons of each, you know what I mean? And I don't know what to choose in my life, whether it's like a physical connection or an emotional connection or a mental connection. Like, there's different types of connections. So that's kind of where I'm at. And as far as the worst part is I didn't get off by another penis this week. I had to get myself off like garbage, garbage. Okay. Oh, my God. It does that. It gets themselves off like no. I do very often. Yeah, I do too. But like, normally there's a dude watching or listening and apparently this week, there was not. So it hurt my feelings. Okay. I am being welcomed to the real world. Oh, my God. Yeah, but you're moving soon. So does should you really, I mean, not not to say that you know, you can't find love everywhere. But like, should you really be entertaining people who are near where you currently live? No, because that moving and like, do I? Yeah. So I mean, it would be more like a, I mean, you're a song from Chris, basically at this point, like summer love in. Oh, my God. I said the lyrics. I've totally forgot the lyrics. Like I just want my pussy fuck. Is that part of it? Yeah. There's two. There's that one little rapie part of that song, but like whatever. Yeah, we don't need to go over that. Yeah. There's like fucking two in where I'm moving to. Oh, okay. Oh, so you're just reproing everything. You're just like, there's just two laying the brown. There's some bad two. Does it matter? There's two. Do you want to know how many I have where I am moving? Zero. Bullshit. I bet if you networked like I did, you would have four. Well, the problem is is I haven't lived where I'm about to live in probably 15 years. So seven years ago, seven. So all of the people that I knew that I would hook up with are married happily with kids, which is gross. It is, it is gross. Not to be bitter about it or anything, but like, it is gross. Yeah. But I love you. You're fantastic. I hope you know that like, no, it's real talk. Like, first off, you're pretty. Okay. So we're going to get that out the way. First off, we're going to cry. No, second. Don't snort and cry. No, snort because I was laughing. So we're not snorting and crying here. All right. You're fucking your beautiful and your smart and you're funny. Like what else could a man fucking want? Like, first off, you're smart. Right. So like, you know how your cast iron should be taking care of second off your smart. So like, you can tell him, hey, you're dumb fuck. Don't touch my cast iron. And then third off, you're so fucking nice and genuine and caring and hang on. I think yes. My dog is going crazy. I think there's another walking. Hey, hang on. I'm going to go rescue my dog from a parently and a pending doom or something. Hang on. Okay. Yeah. Thank you for you can keep talking about how wonderful I am. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Talking because we have a fucking weird fucking thing. But yeah, and you can make it, um, whatever. Like you can head it out. But I genuinely think you're wonderful. Like as a human being. And I think that you're a good person. I think you care about human beings' feelings, which is ironic because human beings don't always care about your feelings, but you still care about them. And I think that's absolutely fucking beautiful. And I think as far as beauty goes, it's not just, oh my god. Okay. And that's okay. And rainbows, I think it's feelings plus the flowers and rainbows. Okay. Anyway, you can do what you want with that. All right. So I get talking. Sorry. You're wonderful. Okay. No, and the thing is is I, I love people. I do not, I do not pick the people that I'm around very lately. So like Megan. Yeah. One of the reasons why I really like you. And why I love you is because you are straightforward without being bitchy. And you're funny and you're pretty. And even if you don't understand, you are sympathetic or empathetic. Which one is that? Yeah. Yeah. You have the ability to be there for someone in a way that they did not know that they needed somebody to be there for them. And I love that quality. You are absolutely the best at that. So I appreciate you saying that because I feel like I struggle with that. No, because you are very, I mean, we were strangers in training in the army in a mostly male career field. And dominated. Yeah. They were dominated. And it was, it was nothing to you. Just you said, okay, fuck it. If you want to If you want to do this Michease Mobile Ship, I will do this Michease Mobile Ship right back to you. And that is an admirable quality. And for those of you in the army who told me that I was not lady-like and how I was off-putting because I was being bitchy, honey, if I were a man, you wouldn't have said that. So fuck you. I fucking love you. I got a counseling statement that literally said it is not lady-like of you. Oh my god. I looked at my NCO and I was like, are you kidding me? You bitch. Like you asshole, that is not something that you put in a counseling statement. That is not something you say to somebody. What is lady-like? Am I supposed to be carrying around a parasol and telling men that they, you know, they make $5,000 a year and I'm supposed to swoon over that? No, this is not the fun Victorian age. You need to get the fuck over yourself. We're in the goddamn army. I am not a lady. I'm a soldier. I fucking love you. Sorry. That is a bad time to response ever. Every time I think about that counseling statement, I get so mad because I was so angry, I was vibrating in my seat and I just looked at her and I said, are you kidding me? And she said, well, this is, you know, this is how counseling statements go. And this is a woman who is probably maybe three years older than me. And I just looked at her and I said lady-like, really? I'm not assigning this. You need to go rewrite this. And she said, well, you know, signing it is only this, this, and this. And I said, okay, then we will take this to the first sergeant and he will see you writing, I am not lady-like. And we didn't go see the first sergeant because she rewrote that counseling statement. I love it. So whatever. But I guess what I'm saying is, sorry. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that it is possible for you to stranger on the internet. Man, I've never met before. Man, I will not even remember the name of to be polite and to woo a girl. And it not be for nothing. So maybe give it, give it the extra effort. Try a little. Don't be creepy. Don't be greasy. Don't wear snapbacks. Don't take gym pictures. And I immediately swipe left. I'm not doing the snapbacks. I'm hating. Where's our regular baseball cap or go fuck yourself. Like that's how I feel. don't you don't you just don't just don't yeah just please stop stop that like we're not 20 yeah whatever okay so this is so I want a positive okay so for the sub coming week do you have anything that you're looking forward to looking forward to get laid on Monday happy moment yeah yes yes that sounds so fun and also just sorry one more thing also casually flirting with the one man in my office who I think is I'm pretty sure has asked me out on the date but again he did it in and I guess I've been out of the game for so long like he did it in such a way that like did he ask me out on the date yeah I get it anyway but it was or was it like do you want to go to Hutchins together I don't know I don't know no it was like first round of drinks on me I guess and I was like oh but do you guess or do you know yeah I get it but it wasn't he didn't say it just once like it was multiple times and we were being really flirty that day of course everybody's wearing masks he wants the cammy but Jay okay only all over his face I would smash it oh when he's got like a nice little not super long but like rough beard and so I'm sure it just feels great on a space on a space I'm telling you trust me on this he wants it on his face okay just trust me on this one thing if you never trust me on anything ever he wants it on his face yeah I know you do know I know you know deep down anyway so be looking forward to Megan because Megan you also have a life and you do things also getting laid because I know it's going to happen this week and it's going to be glorious my feet on shoulders like so I have some people who are very in the situation only and then I also have some people that are like oh my god my whole life has dependent on you and how this goes like I've got both so I think I'm gonna explore the whole tonight is the night the end only kind of people and I'm gonna see what happens I'm just gonna orgasm and have a good time this week that's all my goal is yeah I mean yep you're not because why not exactly yolo as corny as that sounds I only live once I'm not even 30 so fuck them I'm gonna do what I want and it's gonna feel good yeah hearty hard ban I'm just I just want to say I'm genuinely jealous of your absolute certainty of getting laid this week because it's gonna happen for as much as I know that I am I might not I mean well I guess next week we'll find out what the worst part about next week was and if we love you guys we appreciate listening thank you so much um genuinely thank you like we're um yeah hey I was looking at the statistics and it's not we're not about a thousand yet but it was like I'm pretty good so thanks yeah yeah we really appreciate you listening we really really really do um we want you to listen and also feedback if there's certain things you want to hear about certain things you don't like let us know so we can fucking adjust accordingly you know I mean yeah it's not like we're only doing this for you but we're also doing this for a part of you guys listening so I genuinely appreciate it I'm sure Cammy does too I think I can speak for both of us on that um oh and yeah if you did it through all the sex talk about girls um good on you um it may be rough for some of you but look it's like titties it's necessary it is necessary yeah sorry I just thought I might address the NC17 strong sexual themes yeah fuck them fuck them it'll be alright but yeah real talk like we appreciate your feedback we appreciate you guys listening and we will see you guys next week for another fun episode of quote the worst part in Queens okay bye bye