Session 50 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Jade is back. - Thank you. - How are you? - I'm so, you know, we just, we're together last week. - We were, and now we're back. We're working our way through the inbox. We have so much fun when Jade is here. Y'all be like, "Place, bring her back." - I don't know why. - Don't cheat. Well, you know, you, you're very authentic. - Thank you. - So, I think that has a lot to do with it, but let's not waste any more time. Let's dive right into the inbox. Who's up first? - Risa, Tisa. - Oh, okay. - Hey, Crystal. - Hey, Diva. - Should I call off my wedding to my partner of three years after he withheld information about his finances? - Ooh, probably. - I'm 35 and have been engaged to my 51 year old fiance for 18 months. And we are set to get married in three months. - Okay. - This week after asking some pointed questions, I found out that the 20K in savings my fiance had when I met him is now completely depleted, and he is approximately $6,000 in credit card debt. When we met, he may substantially less than I did, but because he had no debt and was working full time, he was able to provide for himself and contribute to his savings monthly. He's always been diligent, responsible, and cost conscious. Overall, my fiance is the kindest, most thoughtful, respectful, emotionally supportive, and courteous partner I've ever had, and I love him for it. - Okay. About 18 months ago, it came up that his then employer was experiencing some financial woes, and I warned him that he would likely soon be laid off. We agreed that it was necessary for him to start searching for other jobs to avoid a gap of employment. In the six months leading up to that, he was supposed to be working on building a website and portfolio of his own work to shop for his dream job. For whatever reason, he dragged his fee and making time to chip away at the project. This was very uncharacteristic of him. He also didn't prioritize the job search as we agreed, but instead signed up for a very niche master's program. The school, that's in quotations, you all, could provide no data about the success of their former students in this program and whether they had landed jobs in the field. - Oh God. - Hmm. - Okay. I expressed at the time that although this program may help in the long run, it could be a hindrance to finding a job. Fast forward to the start of 2026, my fiance was indeed laid off in a couple months later, I also lost my job. Fortunately, I was able to start another job within two months, but my fiance is still struggling. Unfortunately, his field is highly artistic and therefore highly impacted by AI. - Yeah. - Due to the downturn in the market, he has not found a regular job, does freelance occasionally. - Hmm. - The problem is that he doesn't have a detailed business plan to help him source projects or a job, pay the bills in the meantime. - Damn. - He's been overspending to try and keep me happy and comfortable and he has not been forthcoming or communicative about the state of his finances. I am not the type that expects to be shouted with gifts, trips, and romantic evenings. I've always been very independent and if I want it and could afford it, I buy it. But when he does do things for me, it's well thought out and sentimental. Had I known he was gonna go into debt just to take me out to dinner or buy me a birthday gift, I would have suggested lower cost alternatives or cutting back elsewhere. Nigga, let's eat beans. She didn't say that. I should. - But by Fiat, we know that was adjacent. - They don't know. - No, they do. - They do. - But by Fiat, they thought telling me he could enforce certain things would be a mission of his failure to support the household. After learning about his finances, I asked him to cancel the spa day he planned for my birthday and even suggested selling my three-carat engagement ring to pay off his credit card debt. - Okay. - My fear is that if I marry him, he will continue to keep things from me and overextend himself because he thinks that's what it takes to keep me happy. Furthermore, I fear he's not being realistic about what all is needed to make sure we can pay the bills while he's trying to land his dream job. - Yeah. - Lastly, I'm afraid that this financial rut may be our new normal. Am I catastrophizing? Thank you because I will not lie and say that I knew how to say that. (laughing) Am I catastrophizing to think he may never land this dream job or build a successful business? I don't want to be someone's safety net. I want to have one too. In the past, I've usually been the one to stay too long in a failing relationship as we get ready to make serious commitment to each other. I'm wondering if this is a huge red flag. - Yes. - Thanks again, Risa Tisa. - Risa, I would say this is a medium to large red flag. Maybe not huge, it's not the biggest one, but it's right there. Money is still the number one reason people get divorced. - Yeah. - And this finding out that not only has he burned through his savings, he has also started to accumulate debt because he thinks he has to perform in a certain way for you. That's concerning, especially because, Lord help me. When you say I'm concerned that this new financial rut will be our new normal, that's very likely to be true. He's an artist, his field is highly impacted by AI. It may take him a long time to find something stable. And even if it is stable, there's a great chance it doesn't pay that much. That is the downside to artistic careers. And I'm not saying don't have one because I have one. Like I have a very creative job where I can really shape how I want my work to look. And that's a massive privilege. If that was no longer an option for me, I would have to dust off my degree, go work on my licensure process, and start hitting the streets, pounding that pavement, trying to find me a nine to five. Like it does not sound like though, he's even willing to entertain that. It's either freelance stuff or this big dream job. But he's also not building the website or the portfolio that he needs to have this big dream job. So what is he willing to do in order to help support the home? Because this may be old fashioned, but as a woman, as a woman, I really do not want to be the bread winner. Like I don't want to be, I don't want to support another person. And that might not even be as a woman. That might just be my own trauma behind having to take care of other people my whole life in one way or another. At this point, if we're not coming to the table with roughly the same amount of everything, I don't know that I want to legally bind myself to that. So I don't think, I think this can be fixed, but the way he has reacted to the things you've suggested and the reality of the situation gives me pause as to whether he is actually going to do the things that need to be done. At first, I thought you're 35, he's 51, he must be rich. - Oh, you know, because my very first thought was - Yup. - A G-next man. - What is my millennial diva doing with a G-next? - My young millennial diva, you're right. - And G-next man. - I'm working on a dissertation right now with a G-next man. - All right, you know, here come all the G-next man. You're not gonna pipe the fuck down because you're gonna prove my point. - But then you said when y'all met, he made less than you did even though he didn't have any debt. And so when you don't have debt, you can have a lower salary 'cause more of your money goes to what needs to be taken care of. Bernie, through your savings, picking up debt and not working like something has to change. - You know, there's ebb and flow in relationships. - Yup, financially and all kinds of things. - Yup, you never know what will happen. - I didn't marry Rich, so I don't know what it is for someone to-- - But you weren't wealthy, marrying somebody, regular either. Like, y'all were bartending together. - We were bartending together. - Right, that's equally young. - And we have grown together. - Yeah. - You know what I'm saying? - Absolutely. - In our different way, in our individual ways, in our collective ways, I think the ebb's in the flow is financially happened. He's an educator now. We know there's a ceiling on that. - Right. - Also, I am in the quote unquote arts. - Yup, there's an attack on that. I'm a black woman. There's an attack on us right now. Sometimes the money is great in the creative fields and sometimes it's terrible. Then also, do I have an extensive background professionally as well in project management where I can almost go into any field? - Yup. - Yes, but I am now of an age where there are a lot of younger people who have got not a school and because of AI, et cetera, et cetera, they're more prone to hire them before they're prone to hire me. So there's so many variables here and I think you have to prepare yourself for the ebb and flow within relationship no matter what it is, including financially. And I'm sure somebody out there right now is like, "Yuck, and bitch, good for you, go marry rich. "I love it. "I wish, you know what I'm saying?" But that's not the case all the time. I think the lying and the ego that comes in place for like, I have to make sure you're good. That's the concerning part. - Yeah. There is this mass constantly and we're not able to have authentic real conversations and then you're gonna put us in a bad place. - Right. - And that's, yeah, that's what I'm worried about. - I absolutely agree that I think that is the real issue because like Jay said, the money can come and go, "You might lose your job." And then both of y'all scraping and pinching, trying to make things work. That's just part of life. Like, there are gonna be good and hard times. That's why it's. built into most people's vows, like, through good and bad sickness and hell, it's right. All of that, like, because life is waves and sometimes y'all up, sometimes you're not. Yeah. I'm not even saying Mary Rich, I just would like somebody who has roughly what I have, but what I have can easily be taken away. So it's not what's most important. Your circumstances are not what's most important, how you respond to them is what really matters. And his response is not indicative of somebody who's 50 fuckin' one years old. Like this is not a mature way to approach a very real problem. Back to your next man. Okay. Well, I mean, it's not, I won't even just put it on them, but I'm just having fun now. No, because it's real. So I would have to have conversations about like the fact that I, not just conversations because it sounds like you have had the conversations. I need to see a shift in the way you approach things. It can't be that you want your dream job, but you're not building your portfolio or your website. And you're going into debt, trying to give me what you think I want, as far as like trips and spa days and, you know, the nicest, most luxurious things, like, it can't be all of that. That's what I was saying at the beginning, because you're right, he may never launch a successful business. He may never get his dream job. But is he open and honest with you about his finances? Is he telling you the truth? Does he say, you know, this is what I want? This is my overall goal. These are some steps to get there. Is he actually working the damn steps? That's the other thing. Or is he sittin' around wishing? You know, I will say that my partner is incredible in the sense where, even if he not all the way up, he's going to work. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to worry about living and being like, well, I can't, well, I'm not, no, I didn't do that yet. No, Nick is going to work. You know what I mean? He's going to go to work. Absolutely. And so, the ebb and the flow is a lot more palatable when I see that the effort is there because, say, more on the other side like us. And because the economy is wild, like, you can't always just, like, there's no guarantees for most of us, you know, if you, unless you're independently wealthy with generational wealth behind you, everybody else isn't, it's a tossa, what might happen to us. But how do you respond to it? For me, there's no such thing as a job I'm too good for. Yeah. No such fucking thing. I would rather have some money than no money. Yeah. Period. I have worked everything from supermarkets and McDonalds to all kinds of tip jobs. You know, I'm, it's, I'm not good enough tonight. I'm not right. I'm not too good for none of it. So I would definitely hold off on signing the paperwork until I see sustained change in the way he is approaching this whole situation. But it doesn't necessarily have to end, like, no, again, it, that's, it doesn't have a wedding in your living too. What's this wedding situation? I don't, for me, it's less about the wedding and more about the marriage. Well, no, the marriage is what we should be doing. Oh, yes. I ask about the wedding directly immediately because of the debt. Oh, yes. And you're probably spending money. Y'all don't have. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, even if you cancel, you're not getting most of that money back. However, the money is spent, please don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Yeah. The money has been spent. It is non-refundable regardless. Yeah. Don't make the problem even worse by also legally marrying. By just doing it. Right. Right. If, I mean, if anything, I would still have my wedding and simply not sign the license. Uh-huh. Because you didn't paid for it. That's true. You might as well have your party. You can't get your deposit. Because you're not getting none of that shit back. Now, if y'all are going to the courthouse, well, then I would have to pay. Then don't go to the courthouse. Yeah. I was gone in that $20 or whatever, whatever got to end the relate, but again, until some transparency and some behavior, and this is a 51 year old man. I don't have a lot of patience for you as far as like maturity goes. No. No. No. Why am I 35 being more open and honest about financing? Yeah. I told you that was the first thing that stood out. I don't like that. So I do not like that. I want you to understand that too, sister. Yes. I'm trying to keep up because he know he 51, you 35, right. He's like, oh, I got to make sure that I keep this young. Right. Oh, whatever. He's niggas be saying she can go find somebody who ain't got droopy balls. And she sure the fuck can niggas and all social do that anyway. If you keep. God damn. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That doesn't make sense. Exactly. All right. Recent Lisa. Best of luck to you. God speech. Yes. Indeed. All right. Who's next? Madonna Summers. Are you proud of yourself for the things you do? You are proud of yourself. Yeah. You are. But Dada Summers, right? Okay. My cousin has a four-year-old dog that she does not take care of. To the gulag. I should call you up. Peter Britt. He's an Akita Husky mix. And he is tied up in her backyard, literally all day. Oh, no. Oh, I don't like that. He's not trained. Doesn't go on walks and isn't allowed inside of the house. Her, my grandma's rules. That's an old black lady. It is. Yeah. Every time I go over there, he's tied up because of his digging. Any decent dog owner would know that he digs because he's not getting enough stimulation. Right. This particular breed is known to have a very high energy and needs a lot of physical activity that my cousin is not able to provide. Right. For context, her lifestyle is very sedentary. She's a mother to a one-year-old, but she also doesn't work or go to school, doesn't drive and is fully dependent on her parents and baby daddy financially. He does not live with her. I know she has a lot of trauma and anxiety and a lot on her plate with being a new mom. And for these reasons, I've lovingly asked her, would you ever be open to finding him a home where he can have more attention from someone who has more capacity? I'd be happy to help you with this if you are. She said, I've been thinking about it, but I don't know, so I left it at that. A few days later, I followed up and asked what I could help her with. And she said, nothing really, then I said, okay, no worries, I'm here whenever you're ready. I think about your dog a lot, and I know when the time is right, you'll make the best decision for him, because I know how much you love him. She responded with, yeah, that's why I'm not going to give him up. That is my very last option. Nobody ever sees how much I actually take care of him and be with him. People just see when I'm not with him, which is unfair. So please don't mention giving up on giving him up again. You actually made me feel like complete shit because I'm trying my absolute hardest for my pet and baby. They are my responsibilities, and I take good care of each and every one of them. I tried to validate her feelings in situation by letting her know that I know she has a lot on her plate and doesn't have much capacity, which ultimately is unfair to her or the dog. Right. I said, I hope she would reconsider for the health and wellness of her and her dog. She got so mad at me that she then tried to project on to me and say, you have money to send your dog to a puppy trade in school, but I don't have that luxury like you do. So this is my decision and you need to understand that. That's all I will say about this matter. The luxury quote unquote I have was earned because I work full time, not to mention I'm also a mother to a two year old and have two pit bulls work. She's like, bitch, I know boy, and I know that getting the dog trained from jump is part of good ownership. Before her one year old was born, she had three years to train this dog, but she didn't bother and now he's tied up all day in the backyard. I feel like this is so unfair to the dog, not to mention everyone in that home who has to pick up her slack because she's irresponsible. So would it be fucked up if I called the animal control animal control? We went straight to animal control. I know it. Here you are. What if we fucked up if I called the animal control to come get this dog. I'm over there most weekends for family gatherings and I hate to see him be in a blanket. I know that everyone else in my family feels the same way, but of course, I'm the only one who actually says something because I, because I speak up when shit bothers me, yeah. What would you do with this? I'm sorry. We'd love to know your thoughts and I appreciate all that you do. Uh-huh. What does that mean? Madonna Summers. Madonna Summers. Okay. That's enough. That's enough. Yep. Oh. Donna. Girl. Okay. I have a thought. Get it. This is mental health show, but I'm not a professional. Right. So just give me a second before you say something outrageous. Okay. Animal control. I might not do that because animal control is going to send him to a shelter if he doesn't get adopted. He's going to be euthanized. Oh, yeah. I would rather steal the dog and give it to one of his buddies. Yeah. I would rather steal the dog and give it to somebody that I know has the time and the energy and the ability to take care of him. Okay. I don't think I saw the more ratchet. What? What? I never know with you. What's worse than stealing? That's not what. There's only two other things. Animal control is worse than. Well, I'm not going to say put the no. No. I agree. Yeah. Kidnapped that dog. Yeah. Have you watched Four Seasons? No, no, no, no. Oh, yes. But I'm only on like, I'm not finished with it. Copy. Okay. But you can. I don't think it really like ruins the show. Okay. They have a dog. Right. And this partner. Right. And the partner ends up. up kidnapping their own dog and giving it to some lesbian. - Love it. - You know, for reasons, and I'll leave it there. But, if you find, do everything that you offer to do. - Yeah. - And then still that, and give it to somebody who's gonna love and be like, damn, I'm so sorry, because this bitch is not gonna give this dog up, 'cause she's not thinking from a place of love, logic, selflessness, or any of those things. She is really going through it. And I think oftentimes people will lean on kids and animals, all kinds of things. All kinds of people that should not be supporting them. - Right, right. - When they're going through it, you know what I'm saying? Even down to having babies sometimes, we'd be like, no, I have somebody to love me. It's very sad, the origins of it. - Yeah. - The trauma's very sad of it. But it will make them think in a way, and move in a way that is actually harmful to everybody else around them, including those innocent creatures. - Right. - And so, yeah, you got boss up bitch, still that dog. - Yeah, still that dog. - Yeah. - And that keto husky mix, you can not just leave that tied up all day. - What? - He's been to dig his way to freedom. - And where do they live? What if they're like in Texas? - Right. - You got this fucking keto husky to write. - This thing is not even supposed to be there. - Right, not even supposed to be there. - He's supposed to be in Maine somewhere. - Right? - He's supposed to be in Boston. - It'll last. (laughing) - It'll be in Canada. And y'all got him boiling outside in Louisiana. (laughing) - Bad Lush, tied up to a fucking chain mix. - Absolutely not, absolutely not. - Yeah. - I would do that because there's somebody out there who has the time and the money that it requires to invest in dogs and dogs are nowhere near. They don't take anywhere near the amount of money or intention that children do, but they do require some. - Absolutely. - These are living beings. - Have you ever paid a vet bill? - Have I ever paid a vet bill? - Not you. - Oh, I was required. - It's like a girl. - Yes, I have a cat and I got insurance. - Yeah. - Because she has insurance too. - Maine has insurance too, yes. Because it is expensive because, and we go regularly for vaccines. Does she even take this dog to get his shots? Like, does the dog have anything he's supposed to have? Like even his rabies. - I know, outside. I know the tetanus. - The flea and tetanus. - All of those things. - Parasite, like he needs, they need things. And she's reacting out of a place of fill in a tag. - Yeah. - You don't know all that I do for this dog. I'm like, I know this dog is in the same place. It was at last time I came over here. - Right. - And you don't have enough wear with all to be like, you know what you're right. - You made her feel like she was an inadequate pet parent, and so she feels attacked, right? But sometimes you feel attacked rightfully because you are being called out for not doing enough for your responsibility. Now, you can't steal somebody's baby, but you can absolutely steal a dog. (all laughing) Because if the dog is tied up all day, that means y'all don't have a fence or not one's 30 enough to where he can run around in the backyard. - Exactly. - Which means I also don't have a backyard, but my dog gets walked two to four times a day because I don't have a backyard. - Y'all don't play with this dog. - You're gonna play about Laney and what she needs. - Exactly, so. - I took her in, she was my responsibility. You didn't even have to spend a lot of money on puppy training. You could have done it your damn self, but when you don't spend the money, you have to spend the time. - Well, when you're not realistic with yourself. - Come on. - About your circumvent. That lady is not realistic with herself. - I agree. - So she's being defensive because she feels crazy because she knows. So when she's not being real with herself, there's only so much you can do. And in this particular case, you're dealing with a person who's not gonna be real, so still that fucking dog. - Yeah. - The dog is for the lifespan for that dog, it's probably seven to 11 years. - It can have a nice, healthy rest of his day. - Let him write, let him go with some body. - I got trill when she was three. She don't even know her former life. - Trill's like, "All I do is best." - Is best. - Yeah. - So. - I find little things to bat around. And I follow mommy around. - That's right. - And that's about it. - Yeah. - She loves it. - And she's having the time of fucking like, Laney is, I'm giving Laney the absolute best life I can and very little of that has to do with money. Like she gets some luxuries like day care and boarding, which I'm fortunate to be able to do when I have to travel. - That's a luxury, but at least you own it. - But that's a luxury. - Hello. - The day-to-day work of taking care of the dog, doing the things in your girl got a barrier. 'Cause Grandma said, "You're not bringing that to you." - And you're saying you don't have a dog. - Right. - And it's more so clearly she lives with Grandma and it's Grandma House. - Right. - So the dog is not allowed inside. And that's fine 'cause Grandma can do whatever she wants when her house. This dog is not suited for this home. - No, you need to send this dog to some Caucasians. - Yeah. - Who are going to let it kiss them in the mouth the way that God has kept intended. - Or you know, just a single black woman with no kids who would love to spoil the hell out of somebody. - Yeah. - And also not take on all the responsibility of children 'cause fuck that. - So why not? - Exactly what. All of those things. - All of those things, three words though. - Still that dog. - I would saw away at the leash so it looks like he broke free. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And that would be that. - Make my plant have somebody there to take the dog. - Yeah. - You know, somewhere around the corner and then you already have a plan of where the dog's. - I mean, we could just still the dog when she's not there. We'll figure it out. - She don't go nowhere. - Take that dog to a couple of. - Well, when you're in the bathroom, something. - Yeah. - It's, yeah. - Sound like you ignore most of the time when he outside anyway. So you not even gonna notice, it was too damn late. - Is that too damn bad? - You asked me about all you went to. I'll simply lie. - Yeah. - Oh man. - Oh no. - No. I'm so sorry. - The high energy dog that made it clear he was miserable. He got away. That's so crazy. - Damn. - One day you get real pissed. You'd be like, "Yeah, I stole that fucking thing." (laughing) "I stole it again." - I stole your damn dog bitch, 'cause you sucked it. It's quality of life was trash. I gave that dog a white women. (laughing) And they're happy. Scowl and Rooster love taking care of their child's look. - Yeah. (laughing) - And they go to their summer home and their winter home. - Their polycule loves that fucking dog. (laughing) - Godspeed to Akita Hutton. - Indeed. - All right, who's next? - Aw, Belle. Belle says, "Hi, Crystal, I'm 33 years old." Jesus year, still living with my mother and it's gotten to the point where I'd much rather be homeless. I'm writing, oh. - Okay. - That's the hell of a sentence. - Let me lock in, hold on. - Right. - Okay, sorry. I'm writing to you to see if there's any advisor guidance you could provide me before I'm forced to make that decision. She and I have a complicated relationship and my quality of life is at an all-time low. Back in 2017, my brother beat me so badly after an argument that I had knots and welds all over my face and contemplated taking my life. Oh my God, my love. After that, I moved away to live with other family members in Connecticut, but ultimately came back to my mom in Jersey. Since then, she's been trying to invalidate and almost justify what happened to me and never even made my brother apologize. She's a typical male-centered boy mom. - Yep. - Who sees no issue in her son's actions. She still invites my brother over to visit while I'm home. After I've told her that it makes me uncomfortable that he's here. Since starting my healing journey, I've realized that she has horrible personality traits and I want nothing more than to get away from her. I've tried a bunch of different career paths, but it's harder than ever to find a stable job that pays well enough to move away. - Yep. - I'm literally at my wits end and need to figure out a plan in order to get away from her so I can stop living in a constant loop for my trauma. And that's from Belle. - Okay. Woo, well, hold on. So, after the incident in 2017, you went away with family members in Connecticut, right? And then went home to your mom in Jersey. Can you go back to Connecticut? That was my first thought. - It sounds like maybe that might not be an option 'cause that would probably be the first thing she would do, right? - I mean, I'm just asking 'cause maybe it was like, oh, mommy said she missed me and something like that. Like, is there anybody else you can go with? 'Cause this is the sort of situation that you're right about the male-centered boy, mom of it all. The fact that she's invalidating what happened to you, trying to justify it, invites the brother over even though you know that he beat you so bad that you considered taking yourself out of this world. Like, the fact that she knows all that and it's still like, that's my son now. Okay, all right, Bert, I got something for you. Like, so if there is anybody else you can go with, I would do that. But if that's not an option, like Jade said, it sounds like it may not be. This is, I would just love to blame Donald Trump once again because the economy is in such a shitter and things are so bad for the average person. That, I mean, we talked about this earlier with old girl and her husband, her fiance, who can't find a job and things are hard. It is so hard even if you do have a job to find one that pays enough to sustain, especially in, if you're in Jersey, depending on how deep you are in Jersey, you know, that's higher rent on average than the rest of the country. Like in New York, we are obviously paying higher rent than most people are in the country. So it is even harder to find a job that will help you take care of yourself and free you from this lady, which is why I would say, Let's start with like the. the smallest steps that we can do. Maybe not a shelter, 'cause you may find that a shelter is even worse than your mommy is. - I'm gonna find you what it would say to you. - Depending, right. But who do you know that may be looking for a roommate? Who do you know that may be hiring? Like maybe we're not going from your mama house to signing your own lease, but maybe we can get a job and make enough money to start saving. And then we have enough to where somebody we know who is renting a room or something in their place. We have enough money to sustain a roommate type of situation. Like I'm a big fan of looking at the bigger goal and then breaking it down however we can so that we can finally access the first smallest step. - Yeah. - And for you, the first smallest step might be just finding a job. Just any job so that you can start to make money and start to build up some kind of savings for yourself. - Yeah, I don't, you're in Jersey, right? So I don't know what your working situation is. I don't think you shared that. But you know, I don't know if that you can rent rooms, the way you can rent rooms here. You can rent, maybe there's some. - I would imagine 'cause there's plenty of people who live in Jersey and work in the city. - I will also look at some organizations, hear me out, that support trans youth. And I know you're an adult, you're 33, you said you told us. But when I look at organizations such as those that support trans youth or women who go through domestic abuse situations, et cetera, et cetera, oftentimes there are many people, there's community, there are people who need support and resources. And like you said to your point, that's where you might be able to find somebody safe to live up with where you all are able to support one another through your tough time. - Yes, 'cause this is family violence. - Yeah, it is, this is deep harm. - 100%. - This is deep violence, for sure. - And it is the most obvious kind of violence, which is physical, your brother beating you that badly and then the psychological damage of having a mother who's just like, well, then you agitate him, then you, you know, his nerves, why are you both like, that is just so shitty. And sometimes we don't have an option to get away from the people who are hurting us the most. And it sounds like you really do have a solid understanding of like, if I'm gonna break out of this, if I'm gonna get away from this cycle of trauma where I'm just constantly in a loop of being re-traumatized because my mother doesn't support me and she invites the abuser back into my space. Like, yeah, Jay, I think that's some excellent advice as far as like looking for support in your area, but you also said you're getting to the point where you'd rather be homeless. And you know what? - Listen, there's a little, there's somebody on the TikTok. And this girl is like, hey, I was in a domestic violence situation and now I live in my Subaru. And these are all the ways that I'm fixing up my Subaru. And while I think there is a fine line between survival and sometimes you niggas be romanticizing the shit out of your weird decisions, I think that is one of those where it can be useful. - Right. - I mean, it's like I would rather do this and I'm gonna make myself, I will go to marshals and I will figure out a couple of different ways to make myself comfortable and safe while this is my sort of stance in my situation. - I agree. And it sounds like maybe the one thing that would make staying home better than figuring it out in a car or a shelter is the fact that the physical abuse is not currently happening. However, you are still being re-traumatized. And I hate hearing that you wanted to, you know-- - Right. - In your own life. - Right. - You know what I mean? That means that this is much more deeply harmful and traumatic than I mean, you know, I lived in a homeless shelter for a week. So I'm not gonna act like, you know, I am the person who knows the plight of the homeless. Please don't make this about you. - No, because you just said. - Please don't make it about you. And I will say that, first of all, this was at least 10 years ago, probably even longer. So things are probably very different now. The economy was better than, oh yeah, this was before Trump was in office. So it was more than 10 years ago. But one thing that they did for me because I did have a full-time job. And actually my case worker, the girl who did my intake was like, bitch, you make more than me. And I was like, yeah, unfortunately, the lady I was renting a room from did get evicted. And she was not paying that rent. Because the apartment was not in her name. And all my shit is on its way to Jersey. And I'm in a pickle. But anyway, because I was working full time, they did give me a semi-private room, which I was really grateful for. It was just me and another girl with like a wall between us, whereas most of the rooms are bunk beds and that type of situation. But they did give me that because I was working. But it was still community bathrooms and you gotta be home by a certain time and all those rules. But I was fortunate because I was not in any physical danger while I was there. And that's not always the case for shelters and group homes and things like that. But hell, you also never know when your brother might come over and do the same shit to you again. So it's kinda like you may be giving up one shitty environment to go to another one, but you may not. And that's really crazy. The thought that the shelter might be safer for you than your own home. Because at least there, you're not being retraumatized by having to be face to face with a woman who not only didn't protect you from her other child, but is making it your fault that that even happened or making you feel like it was somehow your fault that that happened to you. So I'm still gonna suggest getting whatever job you can and trying to save and stack as much as you can. But if something like that happens again, - I will start finding it, yeah. Try to look out those for those organizations for other people that are looking for-- - It's just that those organizations may be tapped out because a lot of people are really struggling right now, which goes back to my hatred for Donald Trump and the things he has done to wreck this economy and make the society much worse. So I am wishing the best for you and I hope that you can find something much safer for you. But yeah, this is one of those where you're really in an extremely tough situation. - Yeah. - And I pray a piece while you are still there. - We gotta just kinda chip away at the problem until a way forward becomes clearer. - Absolutely. - But look, protect yourself first and foremost. Thank you for writing in, baby. All right, Jade, who's our last letter? - Our last letter comes from Peaches. - Okay, I got any peaches. - Peaches says, "Dear Crystal, I listened to your solo episode, "do we have a problem many years ago?" Oh, excuse me, period. Many years ago, I was about to say it, that was a couple of months ago. I was like, "You had to show many years ago." - Didn't raise me. - How did I not know? - You're so weird. - Many years ago, I was a street intervention worker and it was a great reminder of things I needed to hear right now from a source I trust. Thank you for all this important work that you did. - I don't know. I've always enjoyed being single and never seriously sought out a relationship, but somehow I found myself in my first relationship at age 30 with someone of the same age. It was so great and serious that I came out to my immigrant parents so I wouldn't have to hide this part of my life from them. Oh, you was in love. - Right. - And they were very supportive. - Oh, nice. I love that. - Right. - I thought it was gonna be the parent, right? - Well, things were largely good in the relationship about a year ago, my partner, Jesse, disclosed that they were struggling with meth, which I had no idea they were using, let alone that it had become a nearly daily occurrence. - Damn. - From my training, I did my best to be supportive and non-judgmental. I let them lead the way and we worked on wellness, recovery and action plans together. - Nice. - I read all the material they sent me and even went to some crystal meth anonymous meetings and listened to them talk about their struggles. I was in therapy for myself already at the time and discussed these issues with my therapist who assured me that I was doing the right things. I also told both Jesse and my therapist that I knew that being in the relationship was a choice and that I would continue to choose to be in the relationship as long as Jesse was committed to their recovery into us. After three years together, Jesse ended things, saying that it hurt them to know that their actions were hurting me, that they couldn't be the partner that I needed and that they needed their full capacity to work on their sobriety. - Damn. - I was devastated, but I understood where they were coming from and I told myself I would never chase after anyone who didn't want. It's been five months since we broke up and I still feel really lost and alone in full of my feelings even though I was never really an outwardly emotional person before. Jesse and I are still in contact but haven't seen each other much. The drug use has been more or less consistent. The few times we've hung out as friends, I've left feeling extremely sad and by the situation. I'm not sure how to handle this. My morals and my heart tell me I can't just abandon this person who I'm at, whom I still have so much love for, who needs help and who has very few people in their circle who I don't think are particularly supportive. - Yeah. - At the same time, when my friends say I should do what's best for me, I don't know what that means in practical terms. A part of me is maybe holding on to the fantasy that they will achieve sobriety and we can resume where we left things off. - Yeah. - But the bigger, more realistic part of me knows that It's not likely and that it doesn't make sense to wait for someone who after a year has shown signs of improvement. Yep. And yet, the knowledge that recovery from addiction is so complicated, as you've talked about, puts everything back into question for me. I've gone back to living the active single life I had before and I genuinely feel fulfilled. But when I'm alone with my thoughts, I'm still so incredibly sad and filled with missing and longing for Jesse. I would be so appreciative if you had any advice. My therapist also ended our session shortly after the breakup, so I'm out of objective voices of reason I can turn to. Thanks so much, Peaches, or whatever Jade may have called. Okay. Okay. I thought Peaches was love. Peaches is a great name. Yeah. Oh, baby. Oh, addiction is such a bitch. Yeah, it really is. So, I think my first thought here is less about, you said, you know, you don't want to abandon this person who doesn't have very many people who are supportive in their life. And then you also have friends who are saying you need to do what's best for you. I think there's space for both of those to be true. However, the question you really have to ask yourself is, how much is the hope that things will get better and this will be my person again? How much is that influencing your decision to stay in contact? Because it may be that I don't think you're putting enough on the fact that your feelings are hurt. You're not giving enough weight to the impact of the breakup on you. You're thinking about Jesse's struggles with meth, which is very noble of you and you used to be a street intervention worker. So you're like, I know how to work the steps and this is this, but you also know that you can't force nobody out of addiction. Like you can only be there to support, but they have to make the decision to not use anymore. So you, but in the middle of all this empathy for Jesse and what they're dealing with with their addiction, you are not taking care of your heart, which is hurt from a breakup that you didn't want. Yeah. And it's hard when you try to rationalize knowing that there are other variables at play here. Yep. That are not choices, right? Because this is not a choice of Jesse said, I don't want to deal with you. I made a choice because Jesse's making other choices that don't have to do with you. And Jesse is right. They are making decisions that hurt you. They cannot be the partner you need. They do need their full capacity to work on their sobriety. Jesse was correct in their reasons for breaking up with you and that's still heart speeches. Yeah. And in any breakup, I would tell you to take some space from that person, no matter what they have going on, you need space where y'all do not see or talk to each other. You are not emailing. You are not interacting on social media. You deserve the space to get over the heartbreak, but you're not giving yourself that because you're thinking about, oh, he needs somebody who cares and is supportive. Yeah. He does. And you need to get over him or them. Yeah. Them. So I think also, you know, and it makes it so much harder, right? It makes it hard when it's not malintent, ill-intent, it makes it hard when it's not overtly hurtful in a world where it's like, I don't fuck with, we had a argument or whatever the case is. You know, you are, you went to school, you got your degree, you know every fucking thing. I don't. I know enough. I know enough. But in our friendship, if I was going through something, but I was also being harmful in what I was going through, you can have all the education in the world, doesn't mean though that you have to deal with what I'm going through. You can love me from afar and say, Jade, I can't handle that. I grew up with somebody in deep addiction. Yeah. Who now? To this day. I'm 41. That niggas been on crack for 41 years, as far as I'm concerned, you know what I mean? Yeah. And still does crack things. Yeah. No. Super crackish things. Yeah. And somebody that's still a prince, then Jesse's still a prince from you. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Okay, but I say all that to say you can love somebody deep and you can witness their deep struggle. Yeah. And you can even have understanding of that struggle. Sometimes that makes it harder. Absolutely. When you have that knowledge, right? Because you're like, I can do this and I can do this and I can do this. And these are all the things that I did for my clients. You can't treat your loved ones like your clients. They are not your clients. And also your, your, your feelings are going to fluctuate. Yeah. You're going to feel many things in dealing with somebody who you love in addiction. One day you're going to feel sorry and you want to talk to them. Another day you're going to love them, but you're going to feel angry and you don't want to talk to them. And another day you're going to feel a different way and all of those things are okay. Yes. And I do agree with you that you've got to take your space where you need to take your space because you are dealing with a heartache and Jesse is dealing with an addiction. And those two things are very challenging. And there is nothing, if there's, if you decide to take your space because you need to protect your heart. You need to take care of yourself. That is your responsibility and duty to yourself. And Jesse continues to use or God forbid has some sort of catastrophic event in no way would that be your fault. You did not get Jesse hooked on meth. You do not cook the meth. You don't sell it. You don't inject like you're not at all right. You have actually done everything you can to get Jesse away from the meth. Like, you have done everything in your power, but you can't make the decision. You can't snap your fingers and change what's going on for them. So that's, these are great points that Jade brought up. And you even said like you know, the realistic part of you knows that it's not likely that they're just going to, you know, that this is going to change within the next few months. And, you know, then theologists magically be together. You know it, but you don't feel it. And again, that's because you have not taken your space. You are going, you, you can have all the education and knowledge. But with that education and knowledge has to come priorities and boundaries. You're a human. You're still human. And so you've helped in all the ways you can. Now you need to make sure that you are remembering who your first priority is, which should be yourself, and you need to have boundaries in place with this person so that you are not being hurt in the pursuit of helping them. Yeah. And first things first, you got to get over them in a romantic sense. Yeah. So it is not abandonment. I know you feel that way, but that is not what this is. You, who is going to take care of you if you don't do it? Because it ain't Jesse. No, Jesse can't do it. Jesse can't do it. You have to, peaches. It has to be you. It can't be nobody else. Jesse not even taken care of Jesse. Jesse cannot do what's best for you. Jesse did was best for you by letting you go, yes. And and truly did eventually, it's not going to feel, it's not, it never feels good when you feel like you are quote unquote, leaving somebody out to dry, yeah, that is struggling. And you have to reframe and know that you're not doing anything. Right. You're not doing anything. You're honoring your own humanity. You're still loving this person. Yeah. You're still wishing them well, and you're still there to support them as a loved one. Yeah. If they really cried out for you to do so, but you got to take care of your heart. But you do. Yes. And I would, there's, you have really got to take some time to yourself. Yeah. And foremost, and feel the immense hurt of having this great relationship just end because of something that was completely outside of your control, that's so unfair. That's so unfair. You said you always been single. You never seriously sought out a relationship. Then you were 30 and something that felt so aligned, which is probably why it also feels more intense. It was like, God, I was good by myself, and then I loved this person and then I fell in love. It is. Yeah. There's a lot of unfairness and real pain here that you have to face. And when you're going through it, it's so important to remind yourself that these feelings are temporary. They will pass, but you have to feel them first. Yeah. Trying to take care of Jesse and you is not, that's not the move right now. Yeah. You have to feel them, and you have to feel them away from them. Yeah. They actually did you a huge favor in ending their relationship. I know it don't feel like that right now, but they really did you a massive favor because you sound like you would have done everything you could, even though you knew like being in the relationship was a choice, but I'm going to do it as long as Jesse was committed to their recovery. Jesse, Jesse came to you and said, I'm not committed to my recovery, because I don't want to steal your Prius. I don't want you to go through that. And it's ridiculously close to me sneaking them keys in the middle of the night. Exactly. I have to let you go because I'm only going to hurt you further if I stay. And that hurts the here, but I would rather be hurt once from you telling the truth, then hurt a million times every day through little lives, or because you were lying. Like at least Jesse honored and respected you enough to tell you the truth girl. I'm not putting the meth down. Your Prius is in danger. And I'm sending a lot of love to Jesse. Yeah. And I'm sending a lot of love to you. The addiction is really this hard, it is really challenging to go through it and going through it with a loved one is a is a hell that I don't wish for. for anyone. - But it's a reality for so many of us. And yeah, you've got to have those boundaries, babe. If a therapist is at all feasible for you, I would obviously suggest finding somebody new to work with if you can. But if not, maybe a support group for people who are living with those with addiction. - It's time to put Jesse on D&D. It's time to let Jesse know that you have to take space for yourself to heal from the heartbreak. - And Jesse don't have to like that, but it is the reality of the situation. - It doesn't sound like Jesse's the problem here. - It doesn't, it does not, well. - You're not the problem. - There's nobody's the problem. - Right. - No, it's the problem. Ronald Reagan and the American Justice System. - That's right. - That's still crack and methamphetamine into our community. - Yes, that's the problem. - Absolutely. - Also, the problem here is that you love this person and they love you. And they're hurting and you're hurting. And everybody has to take the space to be what they need to be right now. - Indeed. - All right, babe. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you. You really, you owe that to yourself. - Yes, speeches. - All right, that is gonna wrap up this week's episode of the Crystal's couch. Thanks again, Jay. - Thank you again for having me. - For having me. Perhaps we'll do it again next week. - Oh yeah, Ronald. - Ronald, yes, I love you. You're beautiful. (laughing) Oh my goodness, you can find us online at Crystal's couch. And if you have a question for me, send me an email [email protected]. We'll see you next week.