Session 49 ft. Jade

Hi, and welcome back to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We're back in the studio with Jade of all Jades. How are you feeling today, sister? Oh, I'm wonderful. How are you? I'm good. I love to hear that. You're in your student aesthetic? Yeah. You know, I said to myself, self, and myself said, huh? And I said, girl, I don't fucking feel like it. And you know why I don't feel like it. Because I'm just going to wear whatever I want to. Yeah. Who cares? And I love that. I love that for all of your free will. Yeah, I'm wearing my extremely overpriced merch from my favorite artist, because why not? Capitalism. All right, please don't start. Sorry. All right, let's dive back in. Y'all know when Jade is here, that means we are going into the inbox and answering your letters. So let's go ahead and get started. Okay, I have names, but also I'll use them sparingly. Okay, thank you. Because, you know, sometimes we just need a pinch. We don't need all that. Our first listener letter is from Summer Walkerswood, and she says, Hi, Crystal. Yep. I need advice about my relationship with my mom because I honestly don't know if it's worth trying to fix anymore. Copy. Growing up, she provided for me financially, but emotionally things were different. If I made her mad, she'd beat me with whatever was nearby, and it always felt like nothing I did was good enough. We never built the kind of relationship where I felt safe coming to her. As an adult, it only got worse. She's an incredible grandmother and retired to help care for my kids, which I'm grateful for. But she's never respected me as their mom. She ignored my decision to exclusively breastfeed, bought formula behind my back, and constantly undermined my parenting by giving my kids things I'd already said no to or letting them break my rules. She also criticized my life choices every step of the way, even though I graduated from college, have a career, got married, and am a homeowner. Mm. And I don't know if she's the same person that I am now, but she's the same person that I am now, and she's the same person that I am now. We announced it on Mother's Day, and after the initial comments about not helping with another baby, she came around. But when we shared the baby's name, something everyone else loved, she immediately said she hated it and admitted she's always hated my other two kids' names, too. That was my breaking point. Yeah, sorry. Because it reminded me that she seems to have a negative opinion about almost everything I do. Right. Here's what makes it hard. She's in her late 70s. My kids absolutely adore her. Mm-hmm. And she's their primary babysitter. Cutting her off isn't realistic. Yep. And I don't even know if it's what I want. Part of me wants to accept that she'll never change, like my brother has. But another part worries I'll regret never having a better relationship once she's gone. How do you know when to keep trying with a parent who loves your children but has never really supported you? Is acceptance the answer, or is there still hope for a healthier relationship? Love the show, love you, and I'm so proud of everything you're doing. Love, Summer Walkerswood. Summer Walkerswood, this is, oh, I think this is a lot more common than people think it is. Uh-huh. Where it's like, as an adult, and especially as a parent now, you're looking at some of the choices your parents made or continue to make, and you're like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? But on the other hand, they are providing a useful service with regards to childcare and that kind of support that is extremely expensive. Um, and it's hard to find people you trust with your kids, even if it is in the budget. So, and it sounds like she's only shitty like this to you, that she doesn't really put that on the kids, or at least not yet. Yeah, that's the lens. That's what it sounds like, right? So, I would say, you know, acceptance is really important, and it's not so much about giving up hope that things will change. It's more of accepting the fact that, like, it is extremely unlikely to happen. Because she is in her late 70s. She's shown no interest in changing. Yeah. I'm not sure if you have actually sat down and had a conversation with her about how much this bothers you. Doing something like that might help to ease your mind as far as, like, you know, once she's gone, I'll be like, why didn't I try harder with my mama? Like, you can have the conversation, and if she still chooses to not do that, then I think it makes it easier emotionally to kind of detach from this idealized version of what a mother-daughter relationship is. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's less about holding on to hope and more about just accepting that there's a possibility. Because until she's in the ground, there's always a possibility. But it's not likely. It's like a 99.8% chance that she's not going to. Yeah. And so, in order to not be so affected by their decisions, we really have to make the decision mentally to be like, I have to emotionally detach from you. Mm-hmm. In this my mama, my mama, my mama kind of way. Because you don't treat me like you. You meaner to me than a bitch on the street. What you mean you hate my kids' names? Yeah. Why would you even say that to me? Like, what in your spirit says, I'm going to say this thing out loud? Right. And I want all of you to think about that. Right. Because so many people say things out loud, and they just— And they really aren't. Shit it. Mothers included. Yeah. I think my concern— And I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think there is a resolve that we have to have when it comes to our elders sometimes. Sometimes. Because there are some that are capable of change. Yeah. And also, oftentimes they're not. And I think the resolve has more to do with our own sanity and peace of mind. Mm-hmm. Because if you constantly hope for something that's not actually going to happen in reality, you're saying you need to manage those expectations. I think my concern is— Yeah. The habitual line-stepping of things that you do set boundaries on, or you have verbally set boundaries on. Given a child formula, when you have made a decision to breastfeed that child is so out of line. Right. And that doesn't mean you have to cut your mother off, but you might need to be firmer. I agree with you on this conversation. And also, I'm glad that she's loving to your children, and I'm glad that your children have a soft relationship with her. And also, your children are— Absolutely going to pick up on the fact that your mother does not have respect for you. Yes. And I don't know if that's going to manifest itself through their—how they treat you. Very possible. Manifest itself through their lens later on and saying, like, wait a minute, my grandmother did—you know, I don't know what the outcome of that is going to be, but that is something to take stock of. Yes, it is. Because they are watching, and kids are way more intuitive and insightful than we give them credit for. Yes. And so, I agree, and I think it might start to manifest as your kids get older. Older with them maybe saying or doing little things to you because they see grandma be disrespectful, and you just take it. Yeah. So, it's a hard line because, again, you kind of need her support. Yeah. But that's why I say emotionally detaching from her and the way she acts might be what's best for you because at least you're not continually hurt by the things she does. Although, that's also kind of tricky because she is your mama. Yeah. And so, what— That's what she says when it's so critical, and it's like you can't do nothing right. Like, what else were you supposed to do? You finished college. You have a career. You got married. You bought a house. My mama would be over the moon if I did those things. The thing is, whatever her mother's issue is, is not hers. Yeah. It's not hers. That's true. It could be some unresolved shit of some shit she hasn't accomplished. I don't know. I don't know her mother. Right. But I hope that you're not holding that too personal. You're listening off these life scenarios. Steps and journeys and goals and things like that. And I hope that you can step back for a second and be proud of yourself, the mother that you are, the intentional woman that you are, person that you are, and not internalize that more than it's already affected you because it's affected you your whole life, I can imagine. Right. You can see it. You can feel it all through this letter. But I think a pointed conversation is absolutely necessary. And sometimes people have to hear things that make them uncomfortable. Ma, it feels like you don't like me. Right. And these are the reasons why. You say wild shit. Here's A, B, C, D, and E of the wild shit you've said to me. These are the ways that it has affected me. Yeah. These are all of the examples of the ways that now add up to the fact that I feel like you don't fuck with me as a human. Right. And what is she going to say to that? And it can also be that, you know, right now maybe it's not realistic to cut her off. But once those kids are all school-aged, maybe it's not that you cut her off, but we only come around for holidays. Mm-hmm. We only come around for, like, your birthday or special occasions because you've made it clear that you don't respect my role as a mother and you don't respect me as a person. Like, I bet you don't talk to the people you used to work with like this. I bet you don't talk to your boss like this, like, your husband like this. I bet you don't treat everybody like this. For whatever reason, it's me. And like Jade said, that is your mama's thing. It's not really about you. But holding on to something my therapist said about hope, I think might be relevant. For you here, like, in the grand scheme of life, we do want to hold on to hope because hope gives us a reason to keep going a lot of the time. Yeah, it's like faith. When things are very dire, which, you know, look around, the world is quite a mess. So holding on to hope is useful in that context. But it's like when it comes to parents or other people who have shown us for decades who they are, you really have to look at the material. You really have to evaluate. what's been given. It's like hoping that Donald Trump will one day not be racist and xenophobic. I have a different hope, but I can't say it. You can't say that out loud. Why don't the Secret Service come in and knock on your door? I'm already on a list. You know, you got to look at what people have shown you and your mother has shown you. So have the conversation. Draw your boundaries where you can. And then once you don't need her no more, you do what you need to do. You do whatever you need to do. Maybe you maybe your need is maybe you do need to be around. Maybe that's something that you have a hard time detaching from. I just hope that you are able to do it in a way that doesn't continue to negatively impact. And that's where the emotional detachment comes in. Yeah. But that takes work. And it's going to involve you spending less time with her, like not just going over to shoot the shit. Like it's going to be very much a business arrangement almost, which is sad. But you don't have to tolerate this behavior just because it's coming from your mom. So we're sending you lots of love. So, yes, good luck, babe. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could permanently delete one thing from your brain, what would it be? This might sound kind of silly. And in the grand scheme of my life, it probably is. But I did have a failed romantic encounter earlier this year that really triggered me in like my deepest places. And it's been harder than I thought it would to bounce back from that. Yeah. I'm glad it took up way too much mental space for way too long before I finally just broke past the shame and talked to my therapist about it. And I'm very glad I did because now I'm definitely moving on and feeling better. But it was quite the emotional journey to get here. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, consider BetterHelp. They have thousands of licensed, experienced professionals who can help you work through whatever may be holding you back. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. All you have to do is complete a short questionnaire to help them. 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Like, at my summer barbecue, it occurred to me that, one of those deviled egg trays that my aunties and meemaw used to have would have been so clutch. And you can really never have too many of those cute festive serving platters, if you ask me. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without distress. You might have been thinking that Wayfair only had furniture, but no. They also have thousands of home decor products across every style and budget. No matter if you're fully furnishing a home for the first time, or just looking to add certain holiday pieces for this year's festivities. I found a beautiful Le Jardin embossed stoneware egg plate that I will absolutely be pulling out for my deviled eggs this Thanksgiving, thanks to Wayfair. When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. All right, Jade, who's next? They are calling. They are calling themselves Relocated and Confused. Okay, okay. Saving my names. Sure. Hey, Crystal. I need your help because I can't tell if my best friend has changed or if I'm expecting too much. We've been friends for almost 10 years, and she's the godmother of my child. Last year, she encouraged me to apply for a job where she lives. I got it and relocated with my kid while my partner stayed behind for work. The move was always meant to be temporary. Before I moved, she made a comment that. She said she was mentally preparing herself to tell me no if I ended up needing too much support. It felt strange. That is strange. Because I hadn't asked for anything. Right. But I brushed it off. Okay. Since moving, I felt like she's kept me at arm's length. She rarely checks in, and some of our interactions have left me scratching my head. Ironically, her partner has probably checked on me more than she has. Once she invited us to an event, sent me a flyer, and when I asked a simple clarifying question, she forwarded our entire textbook. It's a conversation back to me, instead of just answering. I told her, "Girl, don't do that," and reminded her she didn't have to organize things for us if it felt like too much. The biggest source of confusion is that she says she wants to be involved. She talks about coming to my child's activities, shopping for special occasions, and being part of those memories. But when those moments come around, she often says she'll be working late, wants to reschedule, or otherwise makes it seem like showing up is an inconvenience. Got it. I invited her to one of my child's milestone events. Beforehand, I mentioned we probably wouldn't be able to spend much time together afterward because we already had plans. She told me she had plans of her own that afternoon, so I figured we'd just see each other at the event. Afterward though, she offered us a ride home, and when I asked if she was still going on her plans, she casually said they never got tickets. That may have been completely innocent, but it added to the feeling that I was constantly trying to make sense of mixed signals. She texted later asking how the rest of our day went, and I never replied. Yeah. I didn't realize I was exhausted from trying to figure out where we stood. I also haven't hung out with her one-on-one. Her partner usually tags along, and I felt like that caused her not to be as open. My partner eventually suggested I stop waiting for her to reach out, so I invited her to a girls' day with my kid in tow, of course, because I had no sitter. She had checked in with me the day before, but the next morning she texted saying it sounded like I'd had a long day yesterday and suggested we either do something chill or reschedule. I told her I'd rather she ask how I was feeling than decide for me. We still got together, but something still felt off. I wonder if declining financial help early on played a role. I had a few bumps getting settled and vented about them, but I wasn't looking for someone to rescue me. I wanted random check-ins, coffee, someone to come over and laugh while my daughter made a mess. I wanted my friend. Now my kid is heading back to our hometown for school, and I'll be here alone. I keep asking myself whether I should bring this up again or simply accept that I can only go by someone's actions, not their intentions. Damn. Is it unfair to expect a close friend to show up without needing a playbook? Or is this just what happens when a friendship quietly changes? Thanks, Relocated and Confused. Interesting. Your friend is a nut. I mean, it's definitely sounding like that, because why would she encourage you to apply for a job in her city and then be like, "But I'm mentally preparing myself to tell you know if you ask me for too much." What? Like, bitch, first of all, who even brought that up? I'm applying for a job, not a room in your home. No. And. And you invite. Okay, so may I tell you a story? Of course. I hope you. Relocated and Confused, I think I kind of feel you a little bit. Okay. So, when I lived in Oklahoma City for those five and a half to six months. You loved it. Oh, my God. It was so interesting. Primo weed. So. It was amazing weed. You did love the weed. Yo, I was really shocked by that. Yeah. Okay. So, a friend of mine. I was friends with a couple. And I'm also, you know, clearly this is pointed, and if she hears it, then it just is what it is. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I was friends with a couple. Love them down. You know what I mean? Still do. And moved down there, because she invited me to move down there. Ooh. She was like, "Hey, I know you were getting ready to make another move, and things drastically shifted in your life. Why don't you try Oklahoma?" And I was like, "Oklahoma?" Okay. Not too much. No. I was like, "Nigga, if you weren't from Oklahoma. " Just saying. So, I was like, "I mean, okay, let me visit." Right? I had gone for her wedding, but I was like, "Let me visit again." I went down there, surprisingly enjoyed myself. Okay. I said, "It's interesting culture." But, you know, why not? Like, I can try anything. Yeah. So, interviewed for this job. It was a really fascinating job working for a law firm that represented tribal business. Oh, yeah. Got a lot of tribal stuff in Oklahoma. Lots of tribal things. Naturally. So, I was like, "I'm gonna try this job." I was like, "I'm gonna try this job." I was like, "I'm gonna try this job." job. Oh, yeah. Naturally. So, worked for them. Aiden enjoyed the experience, but ultimately realized fairly quickly that Oklahoma was not for me part of that though was because the friend who invited me to move there and I had to live with them also for 30 days while my apartment was getting ready right okay that was not a request so live with them for 30 days and I and I realized that she had some things going on that didn't have nothing to do with me okay and she low-key kind of abandoned me as a friend once I got to Oklahoma I was like bitch you I would never have fucking come to Oklahoma so you get it so then I became really close with her sister we're still very very close to this day you know her yeah um but in our friendship was never the same again and I never really got a clear answer as to what her problem was but you know what I knew that it wasn't mine yeah yeah you relocated and confused I tell you that story because sometimes it's not your shit sometimes sometimes it is maybe there are always two sides three sides yeah to every story we're just hearing yours we don't know this ladies but yeah also from this sometimes from this but sometimes sometimes you you ain't gonna get an answer because people got shit going on and they're not transparent about it and they don't want to talk about it and then obviously they will project a little bit oh you seem tired do not do that don't tell me what I am right my butthole do you hear me yes don't tell me I'm tired if you want to don't just tell me you don't and if she don't want to if she dances around it then you have their knowledge that whatever she got going on is also hers there's a theme this episode so far I would the only thing I'll add to that is that sometimes people are not even cognizant of what their issue is also that sometimes people have stuff going on mentally emotionally psychologically they have no clue what their problem is they just know they're irritable or exhausted or mad or whatever like but they don't they can't actually pinpoint what their problem is they just know they're like they don't even know what their problem is and they don't even know what their problem is because they've never closely examined it they don't have anybody to even show them how to do something like that so even if you do straight up ask her and she kind of dances around it it may be that she don't even know what her problem is but regardless I think I don't think you had unfair expectations I'm not hearing anywhere in here that you were like I was only gonna come if she could watch my kid three days a week or if she could take me to and from work like it is it sounds like you were gonna be dependent on her it sounded like this is a friend who lives in the city she's like hey here's this great job it was obviously worth you know you moving there while your partner stayed at home and you know y'all just kind of shuttling the kid back and forth so I also I will tell you that one little flag when she said I'm all about setting a boundary but when she said her friend was like if you start asking me for too much I will I am prepared to say no like bitch I didn't ask you anything that is very strange like you could have waited until I actually asked for something you could have at least waited for me to ask one time for something before you pulled that out right that's a steady behavior she's blended all right not cat shoes um so yeah I agree that you know some of the ways she's been moving just sound extremely strange and she wants to be involved but then like making up something else that she was supposed to do after the recital or whatever and then being like oh I didn't have tickets like bitch what is it hey how was your day and she's never hanging out with you by herself it's always with her partner and so it's like you know it just it's feeling like she's moving weird so I agree with Jay that I would talk to her about it but if you don't get a satisfactory answer or changed behavior yeah I washed my hands of you because even if you don't know the answer me bringing it to you should be enough for at least some kind of light bulb to go on and be like oh I'm actually kind of shitty to this friend I didn't mean that my bad I'm sorry I was coming off like that right you know what I mean bitch moved to Tulsa because I said hey girl it's a great job down here and they paying $50,000 for people to move to Tulsa because there ain't enough young people in Tulsa so like come get the signing bonus and come get your fucking money and and then all of a sudden once you get to Tulsa you're like oh my god I'm gonna move to Tulsa I'm gonna move to I'm being weird and don't want to take you to go get Indian tacos I don't want to go to the third and it's like well damn girl I'm like first of all I wasn't even thinking about fry bread till you asked me to come down here first of all first of all once you have a fry bread taco you will never be the same they are elite but anyway the food scene in Oklahoma surprised better than people think yes indeed one of the best pork chops of my life yeah I mean you know we country as hell we know our way around our meat and you know that is true we ain't got nothing else to do but drink I like that Oklahoma knows barbecue meat uh football guns and war guns a lot of God but you know it's very pick and choose with the God I don't believe whatever God that yeah you ain't gotta get too much into that but yeah um I would I yeah I think have the conversation and see where it goes from there I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know but it may just be that you know this was always supposed to be temporary eventually you go back home you realize this girl was extremely weird and and sometimes you know everybody is not meant to stay with us for our whole lives and sometimes friendships and they also can shift in the way that they stay with us you're just not that important to me no more I still love that lady that I was telling you all about I'm still in touch with her but it just is not the same as it was and I also be like girl you got shit going you do I don't know what it is but you got something going on you know what I'm saying so yeah you know sometimes it's just not yours but uh we're sending you lots of love fry bread I hope you're working luck relocated I changed that up you did real quick you made it about Oklahoma nobody made it about Oklahoma like it was you changed her name to something very Oklahoma don't you like no reason I do no fry bread is elite but also as an alias oh no yeah like what's up fry bread all right who's next I don't like this name so I'm gonna do another one um you called yourself not rich and sad auntie but that doesn't flow off the tongue very effortlessly so I'm gonna call you ludicrous jenner all right hey crystal hey I come from a large Caribbean family where damn near everyone is holding on to and passing along some severe deep-rooted trauma that is either hush hush or dismissed as that's just life yep I'm one of the only people who has sought out therapy and recently took a break after a few years due to financial reasons therapy has definitely influenced me and I'm going to call you ludicrous jenner I don't have any children of my own by my choice by choice but I am a proud auntie of many and do my best to stay active in their lives in whatever ways I can one of my brothers told me years ago he didn't want anyone disciplining his kids which I found nearly impossible to do while living in the same house I was verbal about disagreeing with his style of parenting or methods of punishment and the effects of said methods so over time distance with the children grew I don't have any children of my own by my choice but I am a proud auntie of many and do my damn I do wish things could have been different but as a young adult myself I had no idea how to navigate building bonds with children I could not respectfully redirect as an adult figure in their life yeah my cousin and I had a different relationship when it came to this topic or so I thought until recently my cousin's children are still in early adolescence and as kids do often test boundaries especially in the presence of company yeah she tends to repeat herself often because she'll be outright ignored by them is constantly yelling at them for not listening getting annoyed when they want to and she's not going to listen to them and she's not going to listen to them and she's going to listen to them and she's not going to listen to them and she's not going to listen to them and she's not going to listen to them and she's not going to listen to them or cry at random things rewards misbehavior to keep them quiet and gives whoopings for regular shit kid shit again I have no kids but therapy helped me understand that these methods usually don't work I try not to compare them with other kids but they are definitely part of the iPad oh yeah and I feel that influences their behavior a lot and it does as their aunt and a ride or die from my cousin I'll often step in before she starts her yelling or threatening to pop them because I don't want to hear that shit the other day she kept telling the kids it's time to get ready for bed and they told her no a few times which I knew was going to trigger a poor reaction yeah so I got up took the iPad from them and walked with them to the bathroom to get ready for bed instead of waiting for her to scream did I tell you it's time for bed at the highest decibel period they do have a dad in the home but he's not much of a teacher guide or backup to my cousin so she's usually handling these things solo even in his presence she sent me a long message after spending the day with them recently to say that she's got it oh and that I'm too quick to intervene acknowledge that it takes a village but felt I'm overstepping her parenting by moving to correct them before she does and brought up how my brother felt the same way about me years ago oh wow that especially hurt my feelings because my brother's kids are older now and traumatized by the parenting they receive there we go she's expressed before that she doesn't believe people should share thoughts on how others parent so I never have even though I disagree with some of her methods yeah I let her know I appreciate her sharing her feelings explain my thought process on why I may step in in the moment and said I would ease up on intervening but I'm worried I'll find myself spending less time with them and her I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells if they're acting up and I also don't want to see her overwhelmed and taking out her frustrations with parenting on them in unhelpful ways as a constant thing yeah how would you navigate a situation like this thanks um ludicrous jenna ludicrous one thing I do when I'm around kids um whose parents have parenting methods that I disagree with is I whisper to the them you know when you're 18 you can do whatever you want to yeah you know when you're 18 when you're 18 and he can come save you i say shit like that because your hands are tied you know as far as like interacting with these kids goes you do have to follow the parents rules like they have the the ability to cut you off from them kids if they want to um however this is extremely frustrating because you're objectively correct it is much better that i mean i don't even think you're overstepping her parenting by once she says go take a bath get ready for bed and they say no and start shoveling their feet or whatever i feel like you're helping like more like helping the kids like i'm trying to save y'all from your mama beating your ass or screaming and losing her mind on you so like ain't he gonna get up and walk with you to the bathroom like maybe you worried you're gonna miss out on something you know kids want to be in the mix they want to feel like they part of whatever the adults are doing so like i'm modeling for you what it is you should be doing i'm gonna come in here and help you and you write about that damn ipad no the younger the kids have the ipad the worse off they are it is they have no attention span yeah they are used to everything being on demand they can pull up whatever show whatever youtube whatever song like so when that stuff isn't available those kids can't even sit still they they are constantly fidgeting looking for that damn ipad so it absolutely does have an impact on behavior and it sounds like these have been at ipad kids for probably their whole life plus they have a daddy who's there but don't do none of the parenting so i i feel for you because it sounds like you definitely have a more mature understanding of ways to discipline children that don't involve especially because like your cousin bringing up oh well you know your brother had the same issue yeah and look at look at his kids they're grown and struggling they're grown and traumatized with substance abuse issues or whatever the fuck else like it's tricky yes it is tricky because on the other hand you don't have kids and actually having children is all the things you may know about parenting and child development and all that it's much different when you're in the shit like it's like having kids and having kids and having kids and having kids and having kids and having kids and yeah the bandwidth is it is different the bed it absolutely and i'm gonna be real with you i i had a friend who said it recently she has a baby now and she was like yo all the shit that she used to say wild shit to me on the phone and i would be like okay wait right and now she's like you know i have to apologize to all y'all damn because i used to say some wild shit now i do think that you are coming from a healthier standpoint i think you're also coming from a low-key place of privilege you know what i'm saying you have the space and the opportunity and all these things to go to therapy and to have your peace and this understanding of of the healthiest ways that might pour into a child and i think that's beautiful yeah and i'm sorry that your family is uh rejecting you know some of the things that you're bringing but also sometimes i don't want to hear from a bitch with no kids and that's not because i disrespect somebody who doesn't have kids or don't think that they don't have anything valuable to say but to your point if sometimes you don't understand fully yeah what somebody is going through until you are right in the middle of it and so i can value you and love you and be like you don't 100 get it right now and if you don't want to hear her scream get in the motherfucking tub then you got to get out the motherfucking house when it starts getting to that chaotic moment yeah because there are also i have a one one a three parent or a three person household yeah i got one kid me going into a house right you know what i'm saying but also that's how they operate if nobody's being harmed then sometimes i have to just bite my tongue and say this is their household and and you may not agree i don't agree with whoopings yeah but and i got friends who do whoop their kids but i don't step in and be like don't whoop your kid you know what i'm saying i may say things like i don't do this because this is my feelings on it but i i can't manage how they parent their their household yeah well the the issue with you know if nobody's being harmed is that they absolutely are being harmed but it's not illegal no i maybe that's more of the term it's not illegal to whoop your kids it's not illegal to scream at them it's not illegal to emotionally abuse them or neglect them none of that is illegal you can fully do that and yes it hurts them and there's nothing you can do to stop them from that and that's why jade's point of when it gets to when it gets that bad and they've made no help you gotta leave yeah you gotta leave so that they don't drive you the fuck crazy yeah a lot of people have trouble understanding the very simple reality that for most parents becoming a parent was a choice maybe not a conscious choice of i'm gonna reproduce right now but you knew that penis in vagina can equal infant and you chose to do that yeah so you now have an incredible overwhelming responsibility to this new life that you may not be prepared for because you were really only prepared for a nut and now you have to think about something way bigger than that now there's no bigger job there's no bigger responsibility than raising a child so once you do see how your family has deep-rooted trauma and most people in your family are not cycle breakers and they just keep on going they don't talk about where really hurts or they just dismiss it like it's nothing once you see that you can't unsee it yeah and that's why i said when i see that around kids that i know i cannot influence their parents i just remind them because i wish i had an adult to say i will always be here for you you just create that safe space and as soon as you're old enough to tell your mama to fuck off or whoever well yeah whoever whichever parent is hurting you the most as soon as you old enough to be able to be out of their home or you know not under their legal responsibility i will always be here for you absolutely and i think that is like as a parent i appreciate that i actually i i keep people around me that i i want to be safe for noah yeah you know i've never had to say that to noah well no no but you've had to tell her i have to get off of the table before well you're also not crazy about other people redirecting your child or like keeping her from doing something that is harmful like if i tell noah yeah i'm like no get her ass down right right i'm not my ego is not and that's why i want to be very clear i want to be very clear yeah it's not i again i don't devalue you because you have kids i'm not one of those people that's like my kid is my world and oh my god i have no existence without them and i don't think that that is the end all be all of my personhood i right but i do take it seriously of course and i take seriously the people that are around me that are around her so i do value what you all have to say yeah but if we're in the throes of chaos and you get to go and sit in a bathtub without anybody screaming in your ear then really honestly just go whisper to my kids and leave me alone yeah because i'm in the middle of trying to do this and when you are in the middle of and when you are in the middle of like a high conflict or an emotionally charged situation with noah i'd just be in the cut you do i just be and i don't care i don't care if i don't care because it's not in your brain but clearly your cousin doesn't she doesn't honor that so fall back right like for your own sanity there is it does sound like you mentioned ego and it does sound like ego is at work here um because people don't want to feel like they're not good parents or not good enough parents that a lot of that is is an ego and embarrassment yeah yeah yeah and a lot of people are like oh now wait a minute not me being a bad mom not me being an inadequate mom no not me but like yeah you but people are really there's a reason why after one or two sessions therapists don't say you know you're failing the fuck out of your kid right because that's the way for people's defenses to go way up and then they run yeah you have to meet people where they are and then you get them to see how their issues are affecting themselves and their and it's a slow process yeah but as the auntie as somebody who no matter what your kids are doing i get to go home and snuggle with my dog who is 80 less chill than your kid all the time like i if it's that bad i'm gonna just remind these kids all the time you guys have so much fun my uber is two minutes away um all right but yeah just you know be there for the kids hit up your brother's kids see if you can take them out to lunch or something and just talk and and be that person and there are younger people in my family now who have seen some crazy shit and they reach out to me like you the one cousin who went to therapy and is living a different life than everybody else so can i talk to you my hell yeah because she had her own example of that too in your own family and my uncle my uncle with the with the phd who moved away and became a vegetarian like who is this nigga i am - I'm moving to the south, to the northwest. - Right, I'm moving to the northwest. Northwest to be with the trees and to eat leaves. It's me and the redwoods. So good luck. What was it? Ludacris Jenner? Yes. Very dumb. Thank you. Yeah. All right, Jade. One more. All right. One more today. Yes. Our next one's name is Gloria. Okay. Gloria writes, I did not come up with Gloria, but I do like that name. I think it's sturdy. It is. That's a good auntie name. Right? It is. Okay. Sorry. Hey, Crystal. My brother, who is dark-skinned, was previously married to a white Mexican biracial woman who died a few years ago of cancer. Oh, no. When she passed, he was left with three girls, including twins. Obviously, my family and I stepped in and helped support him and raise his daughters until he met his second wife, who fits right in as stepmom. I say that to say that I've played more than a regular auntie role and have been part of their actual parenting and raising. So when I found out that one of my daughters was a black woman, I was like, one of my eight-year-old twin nieces is talking shit to her sister for being a darker complexion. I immediately got pissed. Uh-oh. We know how funny genetics can be, and this twin is lighter skin with looser curly hair and takes more after her mom. My other niece is more of a caramel complexion that deepens in the summer, and her hair is actually a lot like yours, Crystal, with beautiful thick curls. They truly are both dolls, so it bothers me to know that we are somehow over here raising a stank attitude, little mixed girl. Yep. Yep. Sorry. Yeah. She thinks she's better than her own twin because she's light skin with looser hair. Wow. The kids spend the majority of their time at my mom's house immersed in black culture, so I have no idea where she would have even gotten the idea that she is somehow better. Their new stepmom is biracial, but she's black-white biracial. How do you teach young mixed girls about colorism, racism, and genuine girlhood? They also call their older sister fat and make negative comments about each other's bodies. Jesus. I don't want to simply say, that's wrong. Don't do it. And any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Gloria. Aw, man. Well, Gloria, even though they spend most of their time immersed in black culture and black homes, that's where they're getting it from. I was like, it's coming from somewhere now. It's coming. It's messaging. I mean, and it's, black people be colorist, y'all. Like, as fuck. I mean, they see their own dark-skinned daddy repeatedly choose biracial women. That message is reinforced in culture all the time. Mm-hmm. Like, light is better. And, you know, we see dark-skinned men with lighter wife all the time. Like, it's not always about just who you fall in love with. But some people are very intentional about having, you know, lighter spouses so that they can have lighter children. And so, it's quite, it's very interesting that this dynamic is showing up with twins because I just can't fathom my twin sister, the bitch I shared a womb with. Acting like she's better than me because her skin is lighter than mine. Like, you know, and they're eight. And they're eight. They're super impressionable. So, they're getting it from school. They're getting it somewhere. Yeah. With TV. All over the place. I don't know. I don't know. All over the place. Colorism runs rampant in our society. Right? You know what I'm saying? As black people, we already know. I'm really grateful. You know, I don't have the most melanin. What? God did not bless. I know. It's so crazy because when you know me. But. Noah calls you white. Yeah. My child thought I was white until she was also eight. So, you see. But. Which is, I'm sorry, that's just hilarious. It's deeply hurtful. I'll just say it. She doesn't too get under Jade's skin. Yeah. She's like, shh. But you were raised the exact opposite. My mother was very intentional with my sister and I because we were so fair and complexionate to speak. So, you know, I was very careful on colorism. And then it helped me to identify colorism in other people, casually and very directly as well. Right. She gave me the perspective of colorism through a dating lens. You know, things to look out for, also from a lens of privilege and how people will try to treat you, you know, with this level of privilege. Right. But it doesn't make you better in your spirit. So like, don't internalize that. Yeah. By people treating you that way. Yeah. And don't you also internalize by how you treat other people because nobody is lesser than you because they are darker than you. Right. So I think reiterating just the beauty of us as a people in our range and continuing to try to have conversations with them around colorism, but through the lens that an eight year old can understand it. Right. Maybe you have to put a little thought into it. But I think your messaging can be just as helpful as whatever other messaging they're getting. Yes. That's making this better. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's one of the reasons why I think these behaviors continue on. I agree. There are children's books about colorism. Lupita Nyong'o wrote one. I believe Taye Diggs has one. There are quite a few out there that I think can be helpful because like Jade said, it's a way of educating children in a way that they can understand. Yeah. As well as body shaming as well. Right. To all of it. Yeah. I mean, and the stuff about, you know, calling their sister fat and making negative comments about bodies, I'm sure they're also getting that from school. Absolutely. That's pervasive in society across racial lines. Yeah. So, you know, this, but this is part of the job and, you know, as an auntie who is really involved in the daily parenting, this is part of the job with children. Like we have to educate them and correct them when they pick up messages that are harmful to each other. So I would love to know how daddy is addressing this. I'm so curious. You know? I'm really curious. And I would also love to hear how the stepmama feels about the whole dynamic. Like, are they snickering when the light-skinned twin makes these jokes? Right. What's the energy behind it? Right. What's the, and is it being reinforced or do they hear it and do they immediately shut it down? Like you can say and do things by all the books, but if mama, stepmama and daddy are ha ha hee heein, then the one who's really going to hurt is that dark-skinned twin, the darker-skinned twin. And I think you pouring into her, but also again, that little messaging and you just increase the messaging as they get older. When I tell you, I'll be dropping copies of "Caste" around her house. Isabelle Wilkerson, it'll be copies of "Caste." "Origin" is going to be on the television. I'm just sitting the messaging out. But I think, auntie, this is where "Village" comes in, you build up that darker-skinned twin. Yeah. And you also give them little messages to let them know. Yeah. Let those little messages seep in as much as these negative ones are. Right. And it's interesting to me that somebody who is around my complexion with hair like mine is the darker one, because I've always been very middle of the road as far as that whole conversation goes. I wouldn't say I benefited from colorism, but I also was not the target of dark-skinned jokes or nothing like that either. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And my immediate family is pretty much this color with the same hair, and my extended black family goes from lighter than jade to extremely dark-skinned. I hate being the barometer. Well. Sorry. Fluorescent beige. No, I'm not calling you a 5200, sister. Yeah, I know. It was three, bitch. It was 300. Was it 300? Yeah. Yeah, yes. Yeah. No, that's your summary. Yeah. It was 300. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Give me my hundreds. That's your summary shade. Give me my hundreds. You know, you accrue underneath that, and it's fine. It's fine. You know why? Because we're all ranges and shades. I mean, we're all black. Exactly. I've never thought of you as any less black, because you have less melanin than I do. But it is interesting that this is the dark-skinned one in the family. The colorism gets much, much worse- And I want to make sure- Than what I experience. Are we saying shit like, "Good hair"? Are we saying- Are we? Yes. Like, what's the language being used? Yes. How is it being perpetuated? Who would- Yeah. Let's just be super intentional with that. But I would have a conversation with dad and stepmom, for sure, like you said. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you something. I did not hear "good hair" at home. In fact, my mama was like, "This snappy shit. You and this snappy shit." Like, oh. Which is- Which is harmful in its own way. Also- But for a long time, I was like- For a long time, I thought "good hair" meant you had dandruff. Because- I was like- People keep saying I have good hair, and my mama keeps saying, "You got a lot of damn dandruff." So I was like- Clearly, "good hair" means you have dandruff. Love that logic. I would put all kind of shit together in my little kid mind. Looking back, it's like, "This was very stupid." But kids don't know no better. No, they don't. No, kids don't know better. Which is why we have to help them to know better. And that's why the adults have- And the most influential adults are that daddy and stepmama. The ones in the house. That damn daddy. Talk to the parents first. Give the kids the books. And if it continues, intentionally pour into the darker skin twin. Yeah. Intentionally pour into the fat, which probably not even actually fat, but the bigger daughter. Like, intentionally- And intentionally pour that messaging into that little, you know, light-haired- Right. She said, "Not this mixed-race brat." Look, because I know how we are. I was one of them kids with the light hair. I was like, "We look light." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, little porn demons. So, porn to that one there. No, don't. That she needs to be like, you're not better. Right. You're not better. You're special. You're lovely. You're incredible. But it's not because of your hair. Right. It's not because of your skin. Right. And your stepmom and your daddy might take all that. I don't. So, when you with me, you're not going to talk like that. Or Annie won't take you no more. Because I don't put up with that shit. Yeah. Make it clear that you don't play that. So, I'm sending love to those babies. Yes, good luck, Gloria, because that's a hard position to be in, but. I'm glad your name is Gloria. Sturdy Auntie. Yes. You need it for sturdy Auntie. A good Auntie name. She don't play. Okay. Auntie Gloria said, I can't go to Chuck E. Cheese if I don't quit calling my sister a dark-skinned nigga and bitch. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, and you can't. And I'm going to come up with some names for you, too. Yeah. No. Martin Luther Cream. On that note. Wasn't that fabulous? It was. I know. I'm pretty mad, though. On that note, that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's Couch. Thank you, Jade, for coming through. Thank you for having me. And helping me out with the letters. You can follow us online at Crystal's Couch. And if you have a question for me, please send me an email. Advice at Crystal's Couch dot com. We'll see y'all next week.