Session 48 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome back to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Jade of all, Jades is back to help me again tonight. - It's the most interesting woman in the world. - She absolutely is, thank you sister for being here. - Oh, thank you for having me. - That means so much. - Oh, so much. - I just love chatting with you and getting right into the listener letter, so let's do it. - I do, I love getting an other bitches business. - Isn't it fun? - It's so much fun. - We have a good time doing this together, so. - We do. - All right, what do I want to call you? - Yes, let's dive right in. - I'll come up at the end. I think end is more appropriate. - Sure. - Hey y'all, did you know I would be here? - Yeah, sometimes people, sometimes, no. 'Cause sometimes I go in the inbox and it says, "Hey, Crystal, and Jay!" (all laughing) - I'm just like, yes. I just came here to dance, that's it. Anyway. (all laughing) We can never just get started. - I know, it's my fault. - I love the show. They love your show. - Thank you. - My husband and I have been in couples therapy for several months working through some issues. And we've made great strides. - I love them. - Yes. - We love our therapist and are so grateful for all her help and guidance. In our last session, our therapist put weaning off therapy on the table if we felt ready and comfortable. She discussed how next session could perhaps be our final one to lay anything and everything on the table as we wrap up. Obviously, it would be our choice to stop therapy, but I'm feeling sad and a bit scared about the end of it. What advice do you have for a couple reaching the end of their time in therapy together? What are some good strategies you would suggest to keep the good word going? We would be so honored to hear from you. PS, is it inappropriate to give your therapist a gift before parting ways? What might someone give a therapist to say? - Oh, thanks. That's from Julia. - Oh, right, Julia. That's, first of all, that's very sweet. Is it inappropriate to give your therapist a gift? You can, but understand that she may not accept it. Ethically, it can be very dicey. In this case, it sounds like it might not be that bad because you and your husband are in a good place. - Yeah. - Which is great, 'cause the goal of couples counseling is for not for you to stay together. It's for you to figure out what you want. And so, if you, let's say you and your husband things weren't working out and one of you felt like leaving the other felt like staying, if couples therapy ended and then you came and brought her a gift and she accepted it, that could be seen as like her taking your side or something like that. So understand that even though y'all are in a good place, she may not accept a gift. If you still want to bring one, I would say keep it to $10 or $20 or less. So like a tiny little cactus, a candle, like some lavender room spray or even a gift, again, like if she drinks coffee in your sessions or whatever, a gift card to her favorite coffee shop, but keep it cheap. - The same shit you'd buy your kids' teacher. - Yes, keep it cheap and understand she may not accept it. And that's because of her ethics and standards. And most therapists will err on the side of not accepting gifts just because you don't want to even open the door. But when I was in grad school, it did come up and how in some cultures giving a small gift, like that is just what you do. Like some people, if they're bringing coffee to therapy, they will bring another one for their therapist, simply because they were at the coffee shop now. I think I always had a different understanding of therapy. I never once-- - I don't think my brain is evolved enough. - I never once offered it for a butt like like it. I have never asked my therapist one question about her life. (laughing) - No idea what's going on in that lady's world. - No, she don't. - The things I know about her is because she told me, you know, that anyway-- - In their vague. - So let me answer that question first. Is it inappropriate? Not for you, but she might not accept it. Now to the letter itself. You're feeling a little sad about ending couples therapy? - That makes sense. When a couple is really going through it, a therapist, a good couple's therapist, is like a safe place for y'all to let the mess out. And so she has been that, she's been the-- What is the thing? She's been like the safety mechanism for y'all. She's been that-- - Safety net. - You know, if you're walking a tightrope, she's the big giant bouncy thing underneath. She's the thing at the bowling alley. - She's the bumpers at the bowling alley. - To make sure y'all don't get too far off track. And to help you, you know, stay in the direction that you'd like to go in. So feeling a little sad and scared about it makes sense because that safety net is coming away. You like, okay, we done did great. - Shit. - We did great at first. But what we going through-- - Taking training wills off, I would imagine, right. - I think that's a great-- - It's like, oh, I got a ride this bike now. And you can do it and you're gonna be fine. - Well, but it is understandable that that first time going without it, it's scary. - Yeah, absolutely. - So I would say maybe not one more session, maybe less ease into ending therapy. So maybe let's do two, three, even four more sessions. And maybe like in the month. - Yeah, you know what I mean? - And she's going to have better suggestions for you all specifically. Well, it also depends on how often they go to therapy. Everybody does it go every week. - That's true. - So we're good like that. - Right, so maybe even tapering off, like we switched every two weeks, then every three, then once a month, and then we see you, we do check-ins for once a month for the next three months. And that way, you don't feel like you went from completely protected to outer bio-dampself. - Yeah, yeah. - So you can talk to her about that. Again, she's going to have more specific recommendations for like things for y'all to do because she actually knows y'all and your issues intimately. But it's going to be, as long as you and your husband are committed to understanding each other and respecting one another, keeping that connection alive and healthy, then I think that should probably be like the top priority. And you're probably going to be okay. But I think some of this is just, you know, maybe you're not ready for therapy to be over the next session. Like maybe I need more time and she should understand that. - Yeah, absolutely. I got nothing to add to it. - Oh yeah, you're not therapists. - I'm not. I'm married, but I'm on the other side of it. - Oh yeah, no, wait, now that sounded bad. - No, we good. - Jay's right, no, Jay's like, I'm not in couples therapy. Me and my men are good. - No, and I don't even, you can be good at me. - This is none of my business. (laughing) Therapy is crazy. (laughing) - I just have nothing to offer in this scenario. Keep the communication open. - Yeah. - That's probably universal, but like number one thing is like, when something is bothering you, don't let it fester. - Yeah. - Keep the, what do you have? What are your tips for a successful marriage? You and Justin and the Gather for a long time. - WCD, what was Cheryl do? That's the original therapist. - Who sure? - Okay. - Cheryl Reeves? - No, I don't know. I just made up her name. I'm just saying, ask yourself what the therapist would do. - I love that, but also, like you say, y'all are good. Like you've done the work, so you just keep doing it. - Yeah, and just, trust yourself. Trust that you've learned some things. Y'all have been putting in the work. You've made a car, you get on the bike, you don't be like, oh God, I gotta get on a freeway. - Yeah, you don't do all of that. You just get on the bike. - You do the first time. - Yeah. - And maybe the second and third time. - And then just keeps going. - But eventually it becomes the normal thing, and you're almost on autopilot, but you're on autopilot in a good way. - Yeah, automatically train each other with kindness and respect and understanding, so. Good job. - Jay knows, 'cause she's a perfect marriage and a perfect baby and a perfect life. - I'm so with this, I'm good. (laughing) - But I'm so happy that you had a good experience in therapy, Julia. This is what I love to hear, so congratulations. - That's a nice change of pace in your letter. - Right, 'cause that's lovely. - Sometimes it's my therapist asked to sleep with my brother, and it's like, "Oh, God." - Oh, God! - That's where I come in. - The bathroom, anyway. Thank you, Julia. - That's sad. That was a nice letter. And I was like, "Oh, I got shit for that." - Well, it's also very much about therapy and therapist. And that's what you don't do. - You don't do therapists. - And you're not in, are you in therapy and didn't tell me? - I've been in therapy. - Post in therapy, isn't it? - No, I mean now. - Oh, no, not now. - I was about to say, "Girl, I knew about that." - Sure, it's right. - Okay. - Well, oh. - That. - Hmm. - Oh. - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could permanently delete one thing from your brain, what would it be? This might sound kind of silly, and in the grand scheme of my life, it probably is, but I did have a failed romantic encounter earlier this year that really triggered me in like my deepest places, and it's been harder than I thought it would have bounced back from that. I let it take up way too much mental space for way too long before I finally just broke past the shame and talked to my therapist about it. And I'm very glad I did, because now I'm definitely moving on and feeling better, but it was quite the emotional journey to get here. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, consider BetterHelp. They have thousands of licensed experience professionals who can help you work through whatever may be holding you back. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. All you have to do is. complete a short questionnaire to help them identify your needs and preferences, so you can get right to the work of focusing on your therapy goals. But if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many co-pays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the U.S., you can still get 10% off your first month. Find up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/crisl. This year I've been really fortunate to spend a lot of time with the people I love, including a few group trips around the country that just hang out and enjoy being around each other. My friends and family mean everything to me, and that's why I have a life insurance policy in place to take care of my final expenses. My friends are so overwhelming when a loved one passes away, and I want mine to have one less thing to concern themselves with when that time comes. With policy genius, I was able to find a plan that fits my needs by allowing me to compare quotes from top insurers side by side before I made a decision. Policy genius has a license team ready to help you get what you need quickly, so you can get back to doing the things that matter with the people you cherish. They were able to help me with paperwork and answered all the questions I had throughout the entire process, making it really smooth and seamless for me. Make a smart move today to help protect their tomorrow. With policy genius, you can see if you can find 20-year life insurance policies starting at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage. Head to policygenius.com to compare quotes now, that's policygenius.com. Hey y'all, the holidays are coming up, and a lot of us are thinking about hosting friends and family this season, the amount of food, drinks, seats that we'll need, but also the things we noticed were missing from the last time we hosted. Like at my summer barbeque, it occurred to me that one of those doubled egg trays that my A&E's and Mimal used to have would have been so clutch, and you can really never have too many of those cute festive serving platters if you ask me. For all things hosting, Wayfar delivers high quality, customer trusted products for your home, so you can host and celebrate without distress. You might've been thinking that Wayfar only had furniture, but no, they also have thousands of home decor products across every style and budget, no matter if you're fully finishing a home for the first time or just looking to add certain holiday pieces for this year's festivities. I found a beautiful Lijardin embossed stoneware egg plate that I will absolutely be pulling out for my devil eggs this Thanksgiving thanks to Wayfar. In refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfar delivers exactly what you need. Head to Wayfar.com to shop all things home. That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r dot com. Wayfar every style, every home. All right. Who's next? Oh, let's see. I'll give you a name at the end. Hey Chris. All right. I'm going to see which I'll go in through. I'm deeply struggling with loneliness right now, which has been an ongoing problem for years. I moved out of state almost five years ago with hopes my life would continue to excel. While I've obtained my master's and increased my income since moving, I continue to struggle with community. I've tried Bumble BFF and hopes to make connections easier because I have social anxiety. That failed. I joined a run club, but people seem to come in groups so they aren't intentional with meeting people. Gotcha. I speak when spoken to, but I struggle initiating conversations with strangers. I feel like I don't know what to say, feel awkward and sometimes have psychological responses like sweating, shaking, and rapid heartbeat. Only one of the two friends I have here are reliable and I don't want to become co-dependent on her. My long-term friends are all long distance, but I've distance myself due to their lack of reciprocity. I've gotten to the point where I'm just tired and trying to mentally prepare myself to be alone. I do have a therapist and it's helpful to process stuff and I'm a therapist myself. Oh, what? Actually, I guess. You do. But I just need advice. Yeah. Thanks in advance. Dr. Kramer. Dr. Kramer. Dr. Kramer. Okay. Dr. Kramer, I love that you threw in at the very end that you are also a therapist. Right. It's like girl. Okay. Oh, by the way. I mean, therapists need therapy all the times. I'm just. I don't want no therapists who don't go to therapy. I wouldn't want a therapist who's never been to therapy and it's not a requirement of the degree, which I think is insane. That's the problem. I really think in order to be a therapist, you need to know what it's like on the other side of this dynamic. Yeah. I've seen clips. I didn't watch it regularly. You don't like violence. It's not that violent. It's not. It don't get bloody. I mean. I saw one clip where the man was cheating on his wife with a girl who I guess worked at a car dealership. His guma. Yeah. And the girl of the call dealership called the house and the wife answered and it was an interesting conversation. But he got up and went to that car dealership and him turn up in her office in front of everybody like strangled her up against the wall. I was like, yeah, this ain't for me. I think we have. Yeah. It's different. Yeah. I don't like that. Anyway, I say all of that to say. Okay. In the sopranos. Tony. The main character. The man who hemmed up his mistress. Yeah. Yeah. The part of time was on Sesame Street. Wow. He was seeing a therapist all through the show. Oh. I did not know that. The therapist. Like literally that's a big part of the storyline of the show. A Mafia therapist? She. I don't know if she. If she identified herself as such. Okay. But she was a therapist. So I'm not Mafia American. I'm the Mafia. Okay. And you know, he has to like be mindful about some of the things he shares, but he'd be saying shit. And I can imagine what have getting all of that. She would also they showed his therapist going to see her therapist. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So your grand therapist just sharing, you know, it happens. And it not being a requirement is uncomfortable. No, I don't like that, especially because a lot of these people in grad school are like 23 years old girl, you don't know, you don't have the life experience that helps so much when you're a therapist. So it's like you should at least be anyway. That was something that I really did not like or agree with, but so social anxiety. Very real and a big thing. I know that you you are a therapist, you have one, that's good. What is the medication conversation like? Because I'm hearing psychological responses that medication may be able to help. Because of the therapist, you know about CBT, you know about cognitive restructuring, telling yourself that or for those of you who don't know when you are having these anxious thoughts or feelings, right? Instead of saying, oh my God, I really messed that up. Everybody hates me. Everybody's looking at how stupid I am and how I don't know how to have a conversation and I'm so useless and blah, blah, blah. You learn to start thinking about things as like, maybe I didn't come across as being like super cool and calm and collected in that conversation, but I did my best and most people aren't really paying attention to me. And if they are, then they're probably just like, oh, you know, she's struggling with social anxiety. That's too bad. And if they're judging me for it, then you know, they have their own issues and that's not really none of my business and I hope they work through whatever they have going on. Because judging me for having a disorder is really your problem. That's not my problem. Like cognitive restructuring is taking these harmful, anxious thoughts and providing some necessary context to them because anxiety, anxiety thrives off the fact that it's true, but it's only marginally true. Like if you, if you have a fear of, you know, we live in New York City, a fear of terrorist attacks. Okay. And necessarily irrational, they've happened before. It's not outside of the scope of understanding that they may happen again. Babe, my birthday is 9/11. Right. But that wasn't going to bring that up. That was a domestic time. I'm more scared of people who are here on this land. I'm just saying the, the kernel of truth is that a terrorist attack might happen. The rest of it that is surrounding that and affecting your thoughts and your feelings and your behaviors is all the what ifs? What if it happens today? What if it happens when my mom goes to the city? This is this, this is what if we're in the middle of Manhattan? What if I can't reach my heart and then you end up, you whip yourself up into a frenzy and you end up doing avoidant behaviors because you're trying to stay away from the terrorist attack. At the same time, though, you're cutting yourself off from things that are actually good for you and sometimes things that might help you address the anxiety. Yeah. So, I would say, you know, in the first part of this letter, you were like, all the things I've tried. I tried Bumble BFF that failed. What do you mean? Did you go through every single person on Bumble BFF or did you try two or three? It didn't work out and you gave up. Did you meet a nutty buddy and they turned you off from the whole thing? I'm just, you know, I'm wondering. You went to a run club, but people tend to come in groups, but they're not intentional with meeting others. How many times did you go to the run club before you gave up? How much talking can you do running? Consistency is going to be-- What? I'm asking questions. There's that. But, you know, they meet up first. They chit-chit. Oh, okay, right. And people who are extremely fit can run and talk at the same time. I can't. I was like, I'm not in a run club. No. If they only want to walk too fast. So they sit and run club and I was like wow, but I will say that for people who have anxiety, one or two rejections or failures can feel like the end of the world. And so pushing yourself to go back out there anyway even though it didn't work out can be yes, but it's what you really need because that consistency eventually you are gonna meet somebody on Bumble BFF who isn't a nutty buddy or whatever. But you know, y'all y'all connecting you like oh my god girl did you see a different world on Netflix? Oh my god, I guess I love it. Like you just but you have to keep trying and subjecting yourself. It's kind of like when men say that they don't want to approach women because they try to be rejected. A lot of times people roll their eyes at that. But being rejected will absolutely affect your or for most people being rejected will affect your willingness to go put yourself out there again because it hurts. Nobody wants to feel like oh damn, you know, I put myself out there and it didn't work out. That's a hard thing, but it's also a very useful muscle to develop. It's a very useful skill to have because consistency is how you get what you want out of out of this life. I also you said this must be the medication with the sweat and shaking. Well, I don't think she's well I think medication can help with I would urge you to talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety meds because you're having these psychological responses. But I don't know if you've already had that conversation or or what, but I would definitely medication. I understand there's a lot of stigma around it for a lot of people including sometimes therapists, but if I didn't take an anti-depressant, it would be so much harder, not impossible, but so much harder for me to get shit done during the day, especially because I don't have a traditional nine to five. I don't have a kid. There's nothing for I'm forced out of the house twice a day to take care of Laney to walk Laney, but otherwise I could be in the house all day. That's not good for me. So with my anti-depressant, it lifts my mood to the point where I can go do good things for myself. It helps me go. It doesn't fix my problems, but it helps me to get to a place where I can fix my problems. An anti-anxiety med can do the exact same thing for you. I'm also curious, what did I call Dr. Kramer? You said you have two friends where you live now because you moved out of state and you don't want to become codependent on, I guess the one you're closer to. What does it look like with shared community? We have met so many of our friends through other shows. Yes. You know what I mean? And become and like formed other relationships and it's really beautiful and it's become a big village and people can offshoot and do their own things sometimes. So I'm wondering what that looks like. How long have you lived in this place? Five years. Five years. That's still relatively new. You know, you still have a lot of time. I'm actually funny enough this weekend when I was in DC with Kia. Oh yeah. And getting your award. Oh, thank you so much. Because there are baddies of mental health award of all things. Did you tell them about your incredible work on crystal scouch? Oh, it didn't come up. Wow. Wow. Okay. Yes. I've been a therapist for the last three minutes. I see what that means. Crystal scouch. Wow. Wow. Okay. Um, but we went out to dinner with a friend Lillian. Shout out to Lillian. Lillian. Oh, I love Lillian. Reading card. Yeah. You know, Lillian. Um, and we went out to eat and then I met one Lillian's friends and we're all having a really good time. And I was like, okay, I can't wait to kick it with y'all when I come back. Kia has been in the DMV now for like 12 years, 13 years. Oh my god. Yes. And we're just not meeting Lillian in the past like year. So because they're new friends, but they locked in and then we're meeting Lillian's friends. And I was I told Lillian, I was like, bitch, I can't wait to come kick it back with you. You're out of your mind. And we've, you know, now we got that. So I feel like as time goes on to with intentionality, of course. And I don't want to speak to the things that are giving you anxiety because that's not my place. But I do think that if you open yourself up some, you can meet so much village through other village. And you allow that to continue to expand out. And that's a lot oftentimes how we build community. I don't know if that's helpful. No, I think it is because I think sometimes we forget that most people meet and make connections through proximity. Like a lot of people meet their spouses at work because that's where you spend eight to 10 plus hours. Most days of the week. So I met mine. It's very, very common. And it's the same thing with friends. Like I have, like Jade said, I've made so many friends through Jade and that's when that. And the people that I've met. Oh god, I went to Santa was here. I can tell you. Santa knows the whole plan. Talked to everybody. He can talk to anybody. And so, you know, that's part of it. And you know, just sort of being that, hey girl, here's my new friend, such and such. Yes. Shilla, Shia, don't worry too much about her. What's she comfortable? She opened up. She crazy to give her a minute. You know, things like this later. And then Antoinette got Chris's location. Checking me on her phone. Like, where are you, Queen? Because she's insane. Never mind, Queen. I know exactly where you are. She'll text you. She'll be like, what are you doing in the financial district? Yes. Antoinette, please. Or even your friendship on. Yeah. I have known for a few years now, but we were at somebody's birthday dinner a few weeks ago and we started talking about the TV show Atlanta. And so now we DM each other on Instagram about shows and things like that. You just create new connections in a very organic, natural way through other people that you know. So I understand you don't want to be co-dependent on this one friend, but hanging out once a week or once every two weeks or something like that, that's not co-dependent. And being transparent with them too, like, yeah, I'm having a hard time with this. And I don't want to be co-dependent on you, but this is kind of where I'm at. Yeah. You know, if you have any, like, suggestions of people to leave you with or anything like that, like use the people around you that you don't say for. Or find something that the two of you have in common and go do that. And, but, but find something that is social that the two of you have in common. Exactly. Like, are you both trivia nerds? I bring up trivia nights and stuff like that a lot because I love games. She does. I love games anytime somebody wants to play a game, bitch. I'm in. I'm in hard games, board games. I want to do it all football games, basketball. I love sports. I love competitions. I do. You know, do you want to go to the Liberty game? Liberty's in the playoffs. I would like to go drink and talk to these random people in the stands. I want to go pop ass with Ellie and have fun. That is my type. No, that's what you want to do. That's what I want to do. So, you know, things like that to kind of ease you into making friends. Dr. Kramer. Yes, Dr. Kramer. I think you, you know, I would really urge you to look into medication though to make kind of release one of the giant barriers that can keep us from living full lives. Because what you don't want to do is let your anxiety get you into such a state of mind that you start avoiding people. That's the exact opposite of what you want to do. Yeah. Yeah. And it sounds like maybe you are in that space. I'm so glad you have a therapist. But yeah, I think, yeah, I think that's about it. You're going to be all right. Five years is still pretty fresh. You just got to keep trying. You didn't go through everybody in the planet on Bumble BFF. No, you didn't go through every run club. Did you talk yourself out of getting off a Bumble BFF? Because it didn't work out once or twice or even five times. Again, there's billions of people on this planet. Somebody is compatible to be your friend and I met a nutty buddy. That will turn you off every time. Or maybe she met somebody else with social anxiety and it didn't cry. They're crying shaking and throwing it. Yeah. You never know. So I don't want to give that kind of judgment, Jade. But nutty buddy. Are they nutty? And are they your buddy? Anyway, good luck, Dr. Kramer. Thank you for writing into the show. Good luck. Who's next? All right, made of dishonor. I don't even need to switch that up. Oh, love this. What happened? Hey, Chris, I'm the maid of honor for my friend, Akira Akira sweating. Akira says that she's found her person. But I have a hard time believing that she is happy. Oh, okay. I'd like for our friendship to still be a safe space for both of us. But I've seen Akira change since being with him. And my perspective about her, interesting. And our friendship has changed as well. I'm having a hard time accepting that this man is who she's envisioning herself with for the rest of her life. When she lacks a lot of the qualities and characteristics that Akira told me she wanted in a husband. Oh, he lacks. Excuse me. No. Her finances have drastically changed since she's been with her fiance and things that she could easily afford when she was in a relationship. She no longer can. Now that she's a mom, her finances are even more tight. Yes. She's the main source of income in her household because her fiance doesn't have any job security or stability. I've watched her raise my godson as a single mother in a relationship. Meaning that does all the meaning that does all the work with the baby will also maintaining the household all in her own as if there wasn't another capable adult there. She would even have to ask her mom to come to her house to watch her baby while her fiance baby daddy was still in the house Oh, I was just about to ask if he was this child's father. I know I was like so many details Oh, no just kind of jumped around the grasshoppers Yeah, been rumours in their town that her fiance was flirting and trying to talk to other women at his job And went ask why he chose Akira or what he likes about Akira his answer is always about what she does or can do for him And not about the great person she is oh remind me to tell you all about the worst vows ever Anyway, recently Akira's fiance has made comments in the groom's been grouped chat about how he's looking forward to his bachelor trip and Alluding the cheating on her by hooking up with other women while on the trip. Oh my god Where are you getting all this information? Akira's younger brother share ah Akira's brother younger brother shared these comments with the major of honor But he's unsure of how to bring it up to Akira because of guy code right kill it with fire There's a lot more to why I don't like her fiance for her But just in case Akira listens or watches I don't want to give too many specifics Yeah, a few of the bridesmaids have all noticed the changes in Akira and how her fiance treats her However since none of us have actual receipts or proof of his cheating allegations and other rumors We've heard none of us have addressed it with her Yeah, how can I genuinely support her without inserting fear that she's settling for him? How can I check in with her about how she's feeling about getting married and specifically getting married to him without judgment? Or should I just keep quiet and continue to show up and support Akira as I have been? My attention is my intention on having a conversation with Akira is to understand if who she is with him is someone I can continue to be close friends with I'm having a hard time adjusting how I show up in our friendship with this version of her I value our relationship, but I'm not sure how I can continue moving forward without becoming distance from her Thanks made of dishonor. Oh, we and now I get it. Yeah gosh, okay, there's a lot here So this started off because she said this man is not what Akira has said. She's wanted in a husband Yeah, however did she say those things before she had a baby? Because a lot of women will switch up once they have a kid and the goal now is to have a husband and This man being the child's father I Can see why she's giving up on the thing she said she wanted before in order to solidify that I'm not saying this is necessarily the case But a lot of women want to be married They they do not want the stigma of being an unwed mother I've watched her raise my godson as a single mother in a relationship. Yep, and a lot of women would rather be a single mother with a husband Then be a single mother without one Don't there is so much shame associated with being for some people. Yes, yes, even though it is extremely common for people to have children Outside of wedlock there can still be a lot of shame associated with that and you know Mila Mila Lamia. Mm-hmm French names trip me up, which is crazy because I speak it, but She wrote a great book called black single mother where she talked about her own experience and then she included all these essays from other black single moms I'm I might buy that work Well, that might be a little too obvious, but Maybe not it's a great book. I'm saying because it's a great book and it can she talks a lot about that stigma that she felt that same way about being a single mom before She became one and so the shame just compounded and you know her journey with working through that But it is the case for a lot of women that like if you can get married Especially to your child's father that is exactly what you want to do Yeah, and if that means you got caught up by somebody who was maybe just supposed to be a fun time And now he's the father of your child and that means you are going to lower your standards and requirements and expectations So that you can have that and avoid that stigma. Yes, absolutely a lot of people will do that This is a at first I was like You're kind of a judging but like this ain't your business girl and then as we kept reading. I was like oh, yeah Right because if I'm like I don't I don't have a hard time believing she's happy. I'm like, what okay? What I come from I got to do it. And then you list all these things that would make me miserable I'm like, oh yeah, I get it. That's why I keep reading because I'm yeah I do be passing Or wherever he works with everybody else that she said he doesn't have a job stability she didn't say it was security So he might he might you pick up shifts when you feel like it And in the grooms and I'm sorry in the groomsman group chat talking about Winning the younger man knowing her brother is in the group chat and tell your brother to Use a different phrase. I like it. Tell your brother to stand off Yeah, you'll be like you're what type of time is this nigga? That's my sister. Hello What are you talking about? Yeah, tell your little brother to to to big up. Yeah, like what the fuck cuz what you mean guy code and we What about sibling code? Let me tell you some there's certain clothes in this world that need to go to hell Yes, they need to go the fuck. Yeah, and guy code is not doing interview any of you all the service because look at the fucking world Right and look how men at look how men fucking act guy code is why man thinks he can talk about cheating on his fiance in a group chat with our brother in it What suck my dick? Yeah, like I'm over it. Right. So this Your friend is in the sunken place and while I fully what she is well cuz what are you suppose that she's with a loser nigga? I mean, I think she knows it too. She probably I think she know we talk to Akira Akira, so how do you support her? I think the question was how can I genuinely support her without inserting fear that she's settling for him huh? I don't I think you gotta have a transparent conversation I know I say that often, but I think and listen whatever comes from that you have to own you have to Take that right she may blow up on you you can't rest you can't control how people respond very much so everything you express here Maybe you don't express it like this Well, but you know what you're close enough as a bridesmaid to say something yeah to be like hey So and you don't have to have fucking proof if stuff is flying around right like listen girl I'm not hearing amazing things. Yeah, I love you real deep. I'm seeing a shift in you I'm concerned about it. I'm your sister. I'm your friend like I'm let's talk about it And you can tell her I don't have screenshots or nothing. I'm telling but I'm telling you what I've heard what has gotten back to me from multiple people It should maybe like my man loves me more than any and then you know that you really need to start distancing yourself Because don't nobody have time for all of that, but also Like you can't Yeah, you need to just have a transparent conversation sometimes we have to have Challenging conversations that we don't know how people are going to respond and that's okay Right, and maybe all of the rest of this trifling shit about no job security no job stability Doesn't help out with the baby. Yeah, doesn't clean the house like even if you don't work consistently Why aren't you taking care of the house or the baby? If she's the breadwinner the main source of Fucking because he's trash, right? So even though those things don't turn her off It's always a loser dirty dick nigga who always has the audacity. Oh my god Wait, no, I just thought of something what the brother saw the he talked about this in the group chat So we can indeed show the screenshot. He don't want to guy. No, I don't care Didn't you already shared the screen didn't he share the screenshots with the mention of honor share the comments Screen shots send me the screenshot loser. He's a loser. Send me the screenshots Maybe you don't tell a carer. She's marrying a loser, but you can tell her in so many words Well, and I think that all the other losery things about him might not be deal breakers But him trying to cheat on her on top of all that where she's like, okay, nice. It's only so much I can't take I'm not coming back to me with stuff. You're not. Are you serious? You don't have to waste You're not in and Do you know that song that stopped the wedding song? It's all over TikTok. I don't know some girl ash But it's basically like AI music. No, it's a real artist But the song the message of the song is basically like girl. It's I think it's actually the wedding day Oh, but the red flags are all over the place the warning signs that this is not your personal all over the place and you can leave the guests Sitting there. Yeah, you can you can have spent all this money and a non-refundable deposits and a beautiful dress girl Don't sign that paperwork It's a very fun song. Let me tell you something my ex-fiancé mini-mini-mini moons You're a fun girl. I know. I was a great time Wonder man Yes, one of the many longs many longs ago, okay Had a girlfriend, okay, had a girlfriend. I found out wouldn't admit it, but he had one Called the wedding off Okay, ended up calling the wedding off and it was devastating for three days and then After that one I come Three days I mourn through I did and then and then I washed my hair and came out of the bush It's supposed to be that Saturday. - Oh, we. - So, my homegirls were still coming to see me. - Yeah. - So guess what we did? - We turned up. - Yeah. - Nigga, we turned out of this world. - We were gonna go have fun. - Yeah. - Let's go suck digging the club. - Okay. - With the wretched. (laughing) - He said, "Wow, you took it too far." So I can dig in the club, yeah. (laughing) - I took it too far. - We had a good time, I do that often. So it was your turn. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We had a good time. But aside from that, it was the greatest blessing of my life. I would have been so devastating to have to go through this and then the possible shame of like, oh, do I in this will or do I do I not? And maybe you do have to have that conversation with your homegirl, 'cause maybe she don't realize that she's about to make a big thing. - But this is bad. - Yeah. You can just keep shacking up. - Yeah. - Why sign the paperwork? 'Cause the shame, 'cause the stigma, that's not a good enough reason. - No. - It's not, no, it's not at all. And I don't even know that that was propelling her towards this, but I wouldn't be surprised. - I assume that most of the people who listened to your show are black, except-- - Yes. - Except Ashley. (laughing) And a few others, but for the most part. - And we know in our culture, and also sometimes due to foundational spaces in our culture that have created stigmas-- - Church. - Yeah. I wasn't gonna put it all on that, but yeah. - Well, religion is a huge part of it. - It is. - It is. - In the imperfect people who are in charge of these. - Who run them? - Yes. - Exactly. - So, I don't want the Christian. You know, I'm not trying to shit on the Christian girlies. - It's not just Christian, it's religious. It's the Muslim girls have-- - Patriarchal structures. - Yes. - That's what it is. - Yes. - Indeed. And I think that, I lost my thought, but anyway. Like, yeah, tell your home girl that her man is trash. And maybe not in those words. - Right. - But like, in a way that it might be received. And if it's not, then you already were going distance yourself in any way. - Then you did your best. And I mean, maybe-- - Oh, that's what I was saying, yes. - What? - Not a church would be making bitches think they need an account. - Yes, that they need one so bad. It's like, you know, Popeye's top priority or whatever. That was the leadest. I shouldn't have said that. - Well, no, 'cause Popeye, as you on the schedule, like, this man don't have no security. - So where he work at the car? - This is what I'm saying. He pick up, you do Amazon Flags. - He pick up, she says Amazon when he feels like-- - He's like detailing for your car. - He do darts. - He's not like an employee probably does gig work. - And listen, as a giga, as a former giga. - I'm not opposed to gig work. But I'm sad enough to raise a family. - I mean, and if you haven't done gig work-- - If you cannot be a dirty dick gig worker. Are you serious? You can't be a dirty dick gig worker. - You shouldn't be. - No, you can't. - You shouldn't be a dirty dick gig, you can't. - But if you are only doing gig work, maybe working full-time stretches you out or whatever, I don't even wanna guess what that might be. You should be taking care of other shit around the house. - Hello. - The house should be clean. Dinner should be ready when I get home. The baby should be fed and changed and playing, like, you should be paddling everything else if you're not going to work every day. - Every day. - Life easier. - Like, make our life, what's for dinner? - But her purpose is to make his life easier. - Remember, they, what do you like about a carer, oh, a carer cook, a carer clean, a carer fuck richer, a carer, nothing about, a carer is the sweetest person. She's so kind-hearted. She would give the shirt off her back to somebody who needed it. She's so generous. She's so, nothing about who she is as a person. Everything about what she does for him. She's making his life easier. He is making her life harder. And more expensive. What you mean I used to be able to have trips and go shopping and now that I'm with him, I can't. This is what I'm, this is what I'm, it's supposed to go the opposite direction. - You made my life harder. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And so now, as a reward, I would like to legally bond myself to you. - I don't think so. - Remember when we heard the worst of ours ever? - And it started off with the man talking about everything that she did for him. - Yeah. - And I was like, this lady sat up here and told you, she loves your stinking fucking butthole. - That you make her feel, wow, wow, wow, hey, you told her, I love what you do for me. And you lay on your back better than anybody I've ever seen. - In front of her family? - Yeah. - God. - And thank God you still love me despite all the bullshit I put you through. - Yeah. What worst of ours ever to this day? - And that's actually not even the first wedding I've been to where that has happened. - No. - It's actually way more than 13, right? - Because y'all get these dirty dick gig workers. - Oh, shit. - That's what I'm gonna start calling them. That's what I'm gonna start calling them. - Is it, I mean, you and Amazon, I don't care what it is. - I don't care what it is. - I just keep calling it and he's a dirty dick worker. - Right. - I don't know. And you, you don't get to have this. So talk to your friend and if your friend don't wanna hear you, then it might be time for-- - Tell the carer's brother to quit bullshit and send the fucking screenshots. - Yeah, tell the carer's brother to stand up. - Like, this is your sister. - Tell yours, this brother really should've took a screenshot and went and told his sister and this is how you know niggas are trashed across the world. - Right, 'cause how do you get the trash in the family? You got to do marry and the trash, the trash, and the family don't care about what you do. - Right, no. - 'Cause how you care more about guy code than your sister's feelings. I'm just feeling so conflicted about all of these things. - A carer, get a grip. - Yeah. - Talk to her and all you can do is say something. - Yeah. - If she chooses to marry him anyway, that is truly on her. - It is. - If it stresses you out to the point that you can't be around, then-- - Then you got to take care of you. - Then that is what it is, but not the church thing. (laughing) - Oh, but yeah, you also kind of have to, you have to let the girlies lay in the bed that they want. - Yeah, because these bitches are still laying in the bed. Bitches is non-ginder commemorating, you know what I'm saying? - Yes. - 'Cause some of you bitches heard it. - But some of them, like I said, the whatever it is, the desire to have a husband is stronger than everything else. - Yeah, and I really want us to dismantle ourselves from that. - Just because I don't feel that way about partnership, and Jay doesn't feel that way about partnership, doesn't mean that so many other people of all genders don't. They really, not only do they want it real bad, which is one thing, they'll put everything else to the back burner in order to have that. - 'Cause that's what I want with partnership. - Yeah, and then there's nothing wrong with wanting it. - There's nothing wrong with wanting companionship and whatever way you want that. As long as you are not sacrificing yourself and dealing with behavior that is harmful to your spirit, that will crush and bring you down to a point of, are you just existing? - Yes. - Yup. - And it's hard and it can hurt to be single. It can hurt to be lonely, but I would rather be by myself every day for the rest of my life than spend one hour with the partner. - With a dirty dick gig worker. - No, the way you say it makes it sound like gig workers have dirty dicks. - No, it's not, no, no. I'm a gig worker, bitch. I had an event last night and I'm working a gig right now at your show, but I'm just not a dirty dick gig worker. You know what I'm saying? - I ain't no point though. - Yeah, I keep my penny clean. (laughing) - Good luck, man. - Have this honor with the conversation. - Yeah, I hope it goes the way that you needed to. - Same. - Whatever that is. - All right, who's next? All right, all right. - Okay, let me, hold on, let me do a call. (coughing) Love that. - Thank you. All right. Tiana Tiala says, "Hi, Crystal. I might change your name." - You might, first of all, thank you so much for making this show. - You're welcome. - I'm a 33 year old woman with a partner in three children. My children are 17, nine, and six. My youngest struggles with severe level three autism. My partner and I have been together for 20 years on and off. He's an alcoholic but has been sober for a year and a half. - Okay. - For our entire relationship, he's been abusive, but I didn't always realize it. He isolated me from my friends and family who thankfully are still in my life and still support me the best they can. Before he went to rehab for the fourth time, he started to abuse me physically, from hitting me, to locking me out of the house, to pouring vodka on my head and everything in between. - Jesus. - He's even slapped me across the face while I was on the phone with my mother. We don't put a disclaimer at the top of the East. - It's a therapy show. - It's a means of health and vice-shut. - All right, you right. He even slapped me across the face while I was on the phone with my mother. Since going to rehab and getting therapy, things have gotten a lot better, but nowhere good enough. The physical abuse turned to verbal and financial abuse with aggression and intimidation mixed in. I also suffer from ADHD myself, which apparently makes me more susceptible to narcissistic abuse. I say all this to say, I'm done with this man and have been for a very long time. I was hoping you were gonna get there. - I was so old. - Yeah. - I really don't have any more patients, but I don't know what to do or how to get myself out of the situation. I've called domestic violence foundations, but they wouldn't be able to help me in my situation. The biggest issue is that my son has a safety bed because he requires a line of sight supervision at all times and loves to get the hell out of Dodge. - I was about to say he's probably a runner and a track star. - Okay. (laughing) - Then my loiter is going. - No, it's true. - No, it's true. - I got to stick a loiter. - We got something in the family. - Yeah. - We do like to take a journey. - And they will poo. - Right after the journey. - Yeah, they will. - I did find one foundation that has transitional housing, but they are fully furnished, so I would not be able to bring his bed. - Damn. - I'm unable to save any money between paychecks right now until my job starts mandatory over time. - Yeah. - But I also don't have a working car and I also cannot afford therapy right now. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. - Yeah. - Thanks. I'm just kidding. I'm just call her Tiana. - Oh, Tiana, what a pickle. I heard some details here that provided a lot of context for this situation. Like, you're 33, but you've been in a relationship with him for 20 years. - So since you were 13. - So since you were 13, you've been with this person. Your oldest is 17, which means you had them when you were about 16. He's been abusive the entire time. All of this tells me that you didn't have that great of a childhood. You were not set up for greatness from the beginning. From the beginning. And it's actually probably a miracle you didn't get pregnant sooner. But you're only now at 33, you're only now realizing the true impact of his behavior. You tolerated it for a long time, probably because you believed that this was love, that this person chose you. And so that was good enough, or maybe this is what all relationships look like. Maybe it looked exactly like whatever your home situation was. I'm so glad that you are done emotionally, 'cause that is actually what trips the girls up the most. - That'd be the hardest part. - It do, because sometimes a man will do the things that you've described in this letter. And the girls will be like, "But that's my man." And you probably spent some time doing that. But you're at the end of your rope. And so I'm really happy to hear that. The rest of it though, like this is so, so hard. - Yeah. - 'Cause that six-year-old, level three, autistic, six-year-old, that requires so much support. - I'm also, I don't know where you are. And I know you said you've looked into some organizations. There are organizations. I'm looking for one right now. It's not a lot for you. I'm gonna, I guess that would not help after this recording. Maybe Crystal can email you. There is an organization that I will work with sometimes that specifically, specifically focuses on supporting women who have been survivors of domestic violence with families to get them into safe housing. - Right, and there is a program like that, remember, but they are furnished. - They're offered, so she can't bring her son, a specialty bed in. But those programs are already few and far between. And now the fact that you can't bring this bed that your son needs, I would, I'm sure as his mother, you have already looked into like what are their safeguards, the transitional housing may have, and it's probably not enough, considering y'all wouldn't be the only ones living in that unit or building or whatever. They probably don't have like double-sided locks and that sort of thing, the key kids from just sort of darting off, like that really does, it just adds a lot to a very challenging situation. So, is he still abusive since he's been sober or has he stopped that altogether? Because I think it's great for you to, oh, no. So since going to rehab things have gotten better, but not good enough, it's not physical abuse no more, it's verbal and financial abuse. So he's still a horrible person just in a different way. - Yeah, and still you all don't need to be in relationship. - Right, so at this point, because you've tried to reach out to domestic violence foundations, you're not finding something that fits your exact needs, I would ask whoever is at that transitional housing place, if they have any suggestions for what you could do, or if it's any way that they could like put a bed in storage so you can bring your son's bed in, like can they work with you at all? Is there anything they can do because you are in a real shit situation, but also you said your friends and family are still in your life, they still support you the best they can. Let them know that you are at the end of your rope and you're ready to leave. - Yeah, also that, because you never know what resources somebody close to, like they maybe have waiting on you. - Waiting, I was just about to say. - You to come out and be like, to be like, I need help leaving him. I'd be like, thank God, I have a list of shit we can get started on two days. - I would at least share that with your safe and loved community. - Yep, let them know that the type of abuse has changed, but it has not ended. And this is still not a good situation for you. - And I'm sorry, this is just such an awful thing to go through. - It is. - And you don't deserve that. And when you put it in context of like the age, and all of that, I just have, I feel so much for her. - Because you got caught up in a situation where if you had a safe home at 13, and this person was treating you that way, first of all, you would have felt like you could go to an adult and tell them about it. And secondly, that adult would have moved heaven and earth to protect you from that person. You were not cared for in the way you deserved. Somebody or somebody's failed you. And so you ended up perpetuating a cycle because you were just a child yourself, and Trudeau did not know no better. - Yeah. - And now at 33, it's like, oh, fuck. Had I been able, you know, at 13 to see these things, but of course you did, 'cause you were 13. How would you have known? So I do have a lot of empathy for you. I want the best for you and your family. And also does your husband have any, family or friends that you feel safe with enough to let them know that, you know, this is a situation that you're feeling as above you and bigger than you. - I wouldn't trust that. I wouldn't talk to nobody whose first allegiance is to him. I would not trust them to keep that a secret unless they've been loud and vocal about like, show hope you're not beating on that girl. Like, unless they've been saying that's also, that's also, I mean, 'cause then you say it and then you don't do shit about it. - What were you supposed to do? - Beat on him. - You tell somebody, nah, I'm dead ass. Like, you tell somebody, don't be beating on that lady. Like after a while, shut your fucking mouth and beat on your relative. Cut that nigga off at the ankles. - I don't bleed out. - I understand what you're saying. And also, very frequently, that can make the abuse worse at home. - I know. - So it's a delicate balance for the people who are on the outside. - I know. - Let's stick with your community, with your people. Let them know that you are ready. You work in mandatory overtime. You're saving as much as you can. But any support to get you and your children away from this man. That's what your 17 year old might be looking to go off to college soon. But if not, you know, you got three. This is not, I just don't want them to do this. - Teenagers aren't moving out unless they're going to dorms because nobody has money. - Nobody has money. - Back in my day. - Back in 2005, you could go to a temp agency, get a job that same day, and then go get an apartment. And you like, you could just go do that. It's not, the world is not like that no more. The American economy is not like that no more. - Kids are home until they're 37. - I mean, and understand that stuff. It really is. - Anyway, girl. - Even if the 17 year old's leaving, you got two other little ones. - Yeah. - Six and nine, so. - And I'm sure they've seen enough as well. Tap into your community, let them know that, you know, even if they don't have money or a space for y'all to live, any other leads on anything that can help you out. Just as many people as possible, looking out for you, looking for opportunities for you, is going to increase your chances of being able to get away from this man. 'Cause you got a lot working against you. You don't have a working car. You can't afford therapy. Like, you're unable to probably save as much money as you'd like to. You need a lot of support with your youngest. So, you need as many people as possible coming together to help, you know, lift you out of this, so to say. - Yeah. - We're sending you a lot of love, Tiana. - Indeed. I hope you know you didn't deserve none of this. I don't care how long you put up with it, you never deserved it. - No, not at all. - You're not responsible for somebody else's shitty fucking behavior. - Yes indeed. - That vodka sent me to another place. - Oh yeah, no, that's so fucked up. Like I'm irritated. - Same. - I hate so many of your family members anyway. - I will pray that your man dies, but if that doesn't happen, then I hope you are able to get away from him. - No, sometimes they just need to die. - You know, I'm not above it. - Yeah. - Sometimes they just need to not be part of this world, not more, but you don't deserve. - You do not, you never did. - Come in, wipe your shit all over the planet. - Like I just, some of you all just don't. - Life is such a blessing. - It should be. - It is. It is a blessing. And some of y'all don't deserve blessings. - You deserve curses eternally. - Well, I'll know the side of that. (laughs) 'Cause I have to provide. - Take it back clinical. - Because Jade's gonna say something, ratchet. Your partner has surely had his own terrible things to happen to him. - Yeah. - However, that doesn't mean you deserve to be at the receiving end of his anger and grief and frustration and whatever else. And just because you may understand that he's also had a hard life, doesn't mean you should forgive him or take him back or any of that either. Like I can know that you went through all that and I can still keep myself away from you because this is not a safe relationship. This is not a safe person. So, best of luck, Tiana. - Yeah, Tiana. - Sending you a lot of love. I hope your village is able to really come together and help you. - No, to a safer place. - Absolutely. - All right, we got time for one more fate of all fates. - Okay. - Hi, Crystal. - Hi. - I'm 31 with a twin brother, Marcus, who I'm having quite the dilemma with. - Some backstory. I'm queer and currently in a seven year relationship with an amazing partner. Overall, I'm doing well for myself. I moved away to New York right before college, and I'm a high-earning entrepreneur. - Oh, did I write this? (laughing) - Oh, no, I'm not in a seven year relationship with nobody, but my therapist-- - You did not. (laughing) - Damn, Jade said no, bitch. Did you forget about having somebody who loves them? - Business, not you. (laughing) - Literally what you're saying. (laughing) - Did you miss the part where somebody loves her? - Done. We're not talking about you. (laughing) - You were. - Okay, Jade, drag me. - Overall, I'm doing well for myself. - Oh, I already said that. Okay. - My twin brother, on the other hand, is straight. Didn't go to college, stayed home, been in and out of odd jobs, most of his adulthood, but recently got on his feet with a full-time role. - Hey, man. - Even though we're twins, we haven't always been the closest, but we are always there and on the same page when it comes to the BS with our parents. - Okay. - We're trying our best to support our baby, brother. - Valid? - One reason we haven't been super close in adulthood is because he always asks me for money. (laughing) - Sorry. - Now that's my brother too, bitch. - 13 years younger than me, so it makes more. - Not my roommate. - And actually, since Adam graduated college, he has not asked me for a dime. - Hey, man. - He got a job and quit asking me for money. - He said, "Thank you for buying me a car, "and I saw a computer." - A car, a computer. - Yes, because my sidebar, because my triathlon as daddy said he was going to get him a computer for college and bought him a Chromebook. - In what year? - For college. I don't, like, 2016. - So I saw people gotta be cut off. - He was like, "I need something with a hard drive." I said, "I know." (laughing) - Your sister will buy you a real computer. - Yes, he does. - He's been like $200 right? Here's a giant iPhone. He was like, "I need something real." I said, "I know that." (laughing) - You don't worry about that. - Anyway. - So sorry, 2020, twin. Yes, he's always asked me for money. - Right, okay. - I made a vow not to give him anything moving forward, since he tends to see me as some sort of endless money pit. And I'm not just talking about $20, $30 here, and there, I'm talking upwards of $500 at a time. - Oh no. - Which brings me to my question. - That's, no. (laughing) - He was dating this girl, Brittany, a lost name, who does not have all of her marbles, I'm sorry. - She a nutty buddy. She's a nutty Brittany. (laughing) She didn't make it past middle school. - Uh-oh. - Her family has a really troubled history. - Damn. - Seeing you was laughing at her. - I mean, I'm, you, why would, so, Brittany, she doesn't have all of her marbles. Is a funny state. - It is. - Excuse me. - She did make it past middle school. Her family has a really troubled history. And overall, they're very, okay. This is sounding a little elitist, friend, friend. And overall, they're a very project family. - Oh yes. - My family's a project family. Now what the fuck? - That is, that is elitist. (laughing) - Damn. I was like, wait. - Wow. - She's like section eight. - I was like, she's a little nutty. - Right. - Oh, she like, she's nutty and poor. - Right. (laughing) - The nerve. - Oh god damn. (laughing) - She had Marcus dated for two years. And it was one of the most aggravating times of my life cheating on each other, lying. He stole money from her and asked me to help give it back to her. - Okay. - Your brother sounded like a project. I was like, they're all trash. - Right. - Breaking up social media blasting. She talked to my brother like he's nothing. They broke up a year ago because she called up to his job and got him fired. Girl, you need to excuse yourself. - This sound like. (laughing) - This past week at Marcus called me and we were on the phone for an hour because he was trying to explain to me that they had talked and hashed their past issues out and that he wanted her to come around. But wanted no one in our family to talk about their past. Okay. He wanted to give her a clean slate with the family and for all of us to embrace her with open with arms a lot of up on and with all of my first instinct is held. No. I flat out decided to ask, well Marcus, why do you care if I care so much? I don't like her and I don't like her for you because of how much she hurt you. And his response is that he wants to get back with her even though she's currently with someone else. And that when they do get back together, he wants her to be the mother of his children. - Oh my God. - I don't have nothing. - Marcus is a bird. He's a productive to say of this. In no way, shape form of fashion, do I want this girl to have anything to do with my brother? Let alone be subjected to be an auntie today to their bastard. - Oh, you are, Lee. - You are a problem. - Yeah. - Yeah. - This is what it is about. This is what you need to do. - You are, Lee, this. - Oh, man. And having her be a permanent part of my life and my family. Besides the fact that this girl is illiterate, I don't wanna read this. Jade finished the letter. - All right, but this person has classed and agreed to. - We have to get through our way. - Besides the fact that this girl is illiterate, my brother wanted me to make peace and be okay with someone who's been disrespectful to me, but my mom, dad, partner and my twin on top of being an auntie to their child feels like way too much to expect from me. I tried to get through to him, but he just defends her even harder. I think his low self esteem is inflating his brain right now. And he's missing the fact that she's using him to line up her exit plan for this new guy. Help please. I feel like if it comes to it, I'm gonna have to be a deadbeat auntie. Thanks, judgmental and July. - Okay. - No, that's what, because some of this stuff was valid, but then also, can I be real with you? - Yes you can. - I just had this conversation the other day. I'm so fucking tired of the, they're not good enough for my brother, they're not good enough for my, whatever, whatever. Like I'm tired of that. Your brother's a fucking problem too. Your brother stole money from this bitch too. They're both too fucking nutty buddies. They too nutty buddies hold hands. And they don't need to be together. But I find some of this language really fucking problem. - It is. - I mean, it absolutely is. - Go ahead. - No, you're right. You are absolutely right. A project family. And what the fuck does that mean? - I don't want to be an auntie to their bastard. Like whoa, whoa, whoa. - You got it. - Yeah, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. - What year is this? - Right. - So yes, you're right. And that point about like I'm tired of this, my brother desire better. No, he don't. - No, he don't. - Water six, it's level. They sound like two peas in a goddamn pot. - I mean, they sound like they came right out of the same project family that you know what you need to do. - Fucking shut them. That's what you need to fucking do. - Go fuck the peas, big face. - I was, I was, I was, (laughing) I'm, I, yeah, I don't like the, I don't like the verbiage in this letter. - Yeah. - It's nasty. - It is, but I'm going to, I'm going to look past it and address the, well, not look past it. We have discussed it. But as far as like help please, what can I do here? You can say, Marcus, I'm not going to pretend that this girl isn't a goddamn wreck, okay? The whole, I wanna bring her back around. That's your, that's your choice. - Yeah. - But I want the family to treat her like nothing ever happened. - No. - You are not going to. - I'm not going to. - I'm not going to. - That lives forever, please. - She caught up to your job and got you fired. She talks to you like you're a worm in the dirt. And, I mean, and you stole money from her. - Well, and then ask me. - And then ask me. - Big ground asked to pay it. - Y'all, each cheat on each other, y'all lying. Loser one and two. Y'all stressed me out. I'm not going to pretend that didn't happen. - No. - I'm not going to do that. - This is thing one and thing two. - Right. - That's what this is. - It's, I agree. I mean, it sounds like you think your brother deserves better than this, but I have not heard nothing. - Redeemable at all. - At all about him. (laughing) And so, yeah, you don't want her to have nothing to do with your brother, but if he wants her, then you can't stop him. And if they reproduce, you can't stop them. - We both deserve each other's love. - And being a Debbie aunty is the better option if you're going to call that child a bastard or treat him like he's lesser because-- - 'Cause don't come around my fucking child with that link. - That's insane. - Like, I didn't ask to be born in this world. - Right. - And you don't call me a fucking bastard because your brother's a loser and his girlfriend's a loser. - And they could get married. That doesn't make the situation any better. - It doesn't. - It doesn't. - Like that. I just, there's still two people who have no business reproducing whether they're married or not. So, yeah, it's better for you to not come around as an aunty if you go and look at that child as being, if you're gonna call your niece or nephew that based off these parents, like, yeah, being an aunty might be too much to expect from you, but the whole less pretend Britney's not a fucking mess is too much to expect from me. Like that's too much. I'm not going to do it because it's also not just me. I'm not your whole family. She got to come back, say you want mama and daddy and our other brother and my partner, you want everybody to pretend that y'all haven't took us through there? No. No, we're not doing that. - You want to be delusional about this girl? Then you're gonna have to separate yourself from us 'cause we're not gonna pretend it didn't happen. Absolutely not. You two have no business being together. If anything, y'all need to stay apart and go to fucking therapy to work for your right, individually, you go to yours. And I think you're right that she's using your brother. as like a getaway from whoever she's with now, but if he wants to be used, you can't stop him. - And clearly, he just keeps on using him until they use them up. - Well, and it sounds like they use each other, like again. - That's what I'm saying, they know. - He sounds like equally awful people. They are on equal playing grounds. I'm just over that guy. - And if she dropped out in sixth, seventh, eighth grade, something's wrong. You have a lot of judgment for her instead of empathy, and I get it 'cause she's done a lot of things to piss you off, but once I find out that you didn't make it past middle school, my whole perspective will shift. - And you weren't born in 1922 on top of that? - Right, right, like come on, man. - Something is clearly fucking wrong. - Yes, a high school diploma or a GED is considered standard these days. Dropping out, not making it past middle school is considered an anomaly. - Like something is going on. - I, Jade's really disgusted by your snobbery. - No, I am, I really fucking am. - And I'm like, I really, this is just, it just kept getting nastier, it just got nastier. - And you might feel superior because you saw the writing on the wall and got the fuck away. You got, you moved to New York, you went to college, I assume you have your degree or maybe multiple degrees, you got this great partner, you make a lot of money, sounds like you have your own business. Like, so you kinda just looking like, "Well, what the fuck are you living here with that attitude?" - Well, New York don't necessarily mean New York City, but yeah. - That's true, that's true. - Yeah, yeah, do you think a princess like this would live in Pukipsi? - Well, yes, I think that's exactly where she would live. - No, I don't know. - But I got nothing for this letter. 'Cause I don't like your so disgusted. - I'm grossed out, like I, (laughs) - And don't take it out of the show either. - Why would I? - Oh, okay, all right. I'm not taking nothing out of the show. That's a lot of people are gonna feel the way you feel, and it's not even that I don't feel it. I'm just not stuck on it. - I can, I can. I also, I'm like, you wrote this whole letter about this girl and your brother is a fucking loser. - Did you see that your brother is like, he, it sounds like he deserves her. - Do you hear that? - Do you see it? - Like, stop, they were made for each other. - Right. - Anyway. - He stayed at home all these years, you're 31, so he's been home for, it sounds like about 13 years, didn't go to college, had odd jobs here and there, because mommy and daddy are supplementing his life, and he only just now got a full-time job. And it sounds like you think that that makes him better, because he has all his marbles. - Because he has a full-time job. - And he's not, doesn't come from a project family. - He doesn't have all his marbles. He's, again, he sounds just like, they sound very much equally yoked. - Everything I'm saying is dripping smothered in sarcasm. - Yeah, you're pretty grossed out. - I'm so irritated by this. - So, yeah. You had one class as an egregious letter once before. This is worse. - And there'll probably be another one, Jay. - And I'm gonna be just as disgusted. - And, you know, if you were my therapist, what'd you call this person, judgmental in July? (laughing) If I were your therapist, but I'm gonna keep-- - The thing about a therapist is like, you saying these judgmental things is not gonna be what we focus on, because we're letting you get the feelings out. We're not gonna focus on project family and bastard and hood rat and all that, because the goal is to help you and at the root behind all that language is frustration and anger at your brother for choosing a situation that you don't think is good for. - And that's what we all are necessities. - And you're probably right about that, which is why I said to focus on the heart of your issue here, simply tell your brother, no. I'm not going to play reindeer games to pretend that this girl hasn't been ill. I'm not gonna do it. Marcus, you've also been ill, but you're my twin, so I'm not giving up on you. That girl? No, it's a hard no. I'm not gonna pretend that she hasn't been terrible for you. I'm not gonna pretend you haven't been terrible for her. I'm not going to pretend that all those things didn't happen. That's where you have power. That's where you have control. The rest of this is completely outside of your scope. - Anything else, Jane? - Your brother's a petty thief. - Okay. - Good luck. And again, if it's this or, or if it's lying and pretending that everything's okay or being a deadbeat auntie, pick the deadbeat auntie. - Please do. - Don't be in child's life with that nasty attitude. - Even if you're not going to call the child a bastard, even if you're like, okay, that wasn't fair. If the condition is you have to pretend that this is a healthy dynamic. No, no, absolutely not. Keep your distance. The lie is not worth it. So, I think that's gonna wrap up. This week, Jade is biting her tongue. That's gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystal Scotch. Jade, thank you for coming in and providing your incredible insight. As always, I hope to have you back on the show extremely soon. - Anytime you'll have me out there. - So you can find Jade online at Jade of All Jades. - Watch this bitch is going to email me. - Well, and if you do it, it's going to email back. - It will. (laughing) - Anyway, if you have a question for me, please send me an email at [email protected]. You can find the show on social media at ChristmasCouch. And thank you as always for tuning in. We'll see you next week.