Session 47 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Can you believe that Jade is back? - Daniel, and a whole different day. - Yeah, we are back on a totally different day. We've had showers and sleeps and everything. - I can't believe it. - And we're so excited to dive back into the inbox. We have a long backlog of those of you who are like, "Girl, love the show." However, I do not want to chat live. Put Jade on my letter and so. - You know? - That's exactly what we're doing. - I'm only here to give you all what you ask for. - Thank you so much, sister. We do appreciate your pleasure. - Your service, it means a lot. - Yes. - To the peak. - All right, let's dive right in. - All right. - At first, they are calling themselves, maybe Solange was right, about what? Okay, let's see. - I think we'll see. (laughing) - Dear Crystal, how do I deal with jealousy, frustration, and resentment about something that never quite was? - Mm, that's real. It's been a little over a year since I had a friend move out of the country for grad school, and our relationship has suffered greatly. I understand that grad school is a lot, but happy birthday messages barely kept our chat alive. This friend and I expressed romantic interest in each other before, but at the time, long distance wasn't something either of us wanted to do. So there were plenty of question marks left behind. Feelings were felt and acknowledged, but nothing was ever pursued. Initially, we stayed in touch quite a bit. Daily updates turned into weekly updates, which turned into scheduled calls when either of us was available. Needless to say, months of silence followed. Of course, we'd still see each other on social media, and for me, it became a reminder of how their life was moving along without me. - Damn. - I ended up muting them for my own peace of mind, yet admittedly, I still go peaking. If they liked the post of mine, I would immediately get a sinking feeling in my chest. After all the self-talking, journaling, I realized that in some ways, it's the fact that I've never had the opportunities this person is having in the ways they're having it. I stopped it undergrad and all my schooling happened within my home state. There's something painful to me about seeing them do it without me in the picture at all. On the other hand, I'm also happy for them and their accomplishments. Since I'm not sure if they've got plans to return, I've made efforts to move on and actively get them off my mind by exercising, focusing on work and my hobbies and just being social in general. But it's a daily fight. If we ever see each other again, I don't wanna lead with all this pent-up jealousy and resentment, especially since these are things that have not been communicated to them. But it's currently where I'm at. Please help. Maybe cilantro's right, because I might be losing them for good. - Oh. - Oh. - Yeah. - I would've picked another name, but it's all good. - Well, you didn't though, did you? So, that's on you. - I won't be a dickhead to this person. - Um, maybe cilantro. - I think I see two issues here that are jumping out at me. Number one is the jealousy that this person is living a life that maybe you wanted for yourself and haven't been able to materialize yet. And number two is that this is less of a friend and more of a friend's own. - Oh. - It's what it feels like. - It feels more like, we express romantic interest, but we didn't wanna do long distance. You know, there are feelings maybe, but nothing was ever pursued. It doesn't sound like they are feeling that same way that you are though. It sounds like they went away for grad school, they're getting caught up in a different way of life. Maybe they're meeting other people romantically and socially. So, their life is, you know, moving on. Like you said, you see them moving on without you, doing all these things without you, that can sting. But I think it's things more because of the yearning for them in a romantic sense. And it's not just platonic. - Yeah. - That's what it sounds like. - Yeah. And it sounds like you need to fall back a little bit when seeing what's going on with them. You got some stuff you gotta work out for yourself because if it's not gonna be them, it's gonna be somebody else. You know what I'm saying? If you're not happy with yourself at your core and your foundation. - That's true. - And I think it's time for you to start investing a little bit more into you. Like what do you like? You ain't said hardly shit about you in this whole message. - Well, you talked about all the things you're doing and trying to get your mind off of it and that's great. Like I was definitely gonna recommend doing all those things. You're like, yeah, I'm exercising. - Okay, never mind. - I'm getting into my hobbies and you're trying, but it's a daily fight. That's because you keep the connection alive by looking at they Instagram and all that. - And you know, comparison is the thief of joy. Are you feeling away because you are still in some sort of romantic like with them? Or is this because you are not happy at your foundation? - I think there's a romantic thing here because you said you muted them, but you still go looking at their account. If they like your posts, then you get this feeling in your chest that actually doesn't even sound like a great feeling, but it hasn't. - No, we did not. - That didn't sound nice at all. It was like, I get a sinking feeling. - Right. - Like, it's just something like dread. - Right. You need space from this person. You need to not be engaged with this person. I can't tell you how many clients I had in grad school that where I had to say, if you are gonna break up with them, it says, you know, that's understandable, but you're not going to get over them if you're staying tapped into what they're doing every day or every other day like on a regular basis. - Yeah. - Muting might not be enough. - You got to, you got to connect it. You got to detach from them in your mind. - I do. - You do. At muting is a great first step. If you don't want to unfollow or block, I understand maybe that might feel too extreme or you don't want them to feel like it's on them, especially because you said you have-- - No, but they keep looking at their shit. - So they can block, and they keep saying, "Jay, all right, my bad. If you let me finish the sentence, sorry. Jesus Christ." That might feel too extreme, especially because you have not communicated to them all these feelings you're having about like being jealous of them in their grad school life. So it might feel like, okay, if I unfollow or block you out of nowhere, then they like, well, damn, I thought it was cool, like, why would you do something like that? But again, you are like Jay jumped in to remind you, you are hurting yourself by going to check up on them and keeping that sort of thing alive. - I also think blocking someone is stupid when you, excuse me, not stupid. - It might be. - I think it's stupid when you are trying to detach yourself from this person, and you can just go unblock them to look at their shit. That's why I'm like, you got to detach mentally. You got to figure out how to, you have to make a commitment to yourself. You got to stop smoking and put a patch on, chew some gum, or go cold turkey, but you have to make a hard decision. And I will say the first day is probably going to be the hardest, but you have to commit to starting small. Like, today I am not going to look at their social media. Today I'm not going to look at her Instagram. I'm not going to look at her Twitter, TikTok, whatever. Like, Jay is right. Blocking only keeps them from contacting you. It doesn't keep you from contacting them. So you have to decide, like, I'm going to stop doing this because I'm keeping this connection alive in my heart and it's hurting me. - Yeah. - You've got to be able to detach from them in the romantic sense. You know, we get it. This is a hard thing to do. But look at how you're doing all these other things to like move on and get them off of your mind, but it's a daily fight. A daily fight? That's because every day you're keeping the connection alive by checking up on them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You got it, you got it, you got it, you got it, you got it. - Stop. - Why would you call her? - I know, I call her. - You know what I call her, have to handle these. That's what I shoulda. And I would say after you have done that for a while, maybe then you can, like once you have detached from them in a romantic sense, maybe then you'll have a clearer head and you'll be better able to express that like you miss them as a friend. Maybe you'll realize y'all really are not friends and you know, the whole dynamic with just kind of like, ooh, I kind of like you, but we're not going to do nothing. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We were just attached to the koochi. - Yeah. - I know they are. (laughing) - We had a genital connection that never, it never came to fruition the way it should have. - We're not laughing at you Salon Chet. - No, I'm laughing because I've been there. So I get it, and you're gonna be fine. - You are, you're gonna be fine, but you have to stop checking up on this person. You're driving yourself crazy baby. - You're creating your own stress. - Yes, so if you do ever see each other again, you want to make sure that that sort of yearning and longing isn't what's at the front and center of the conversation, but I've missed you as a friend and to be completely honest friend. I was dealing with some jealousy and I didn't want to put that on you 'cause it's not your fault, but you're living a great life. And I kind of wanted that for me. I wanted to go to grad school and meet all these different people and do all this fun stuff I see you doing. So because of jealousy and because I really wanted to smash genitals and you weren't available for that, I had to take a step back. - Smash genitals is crazy. - Is it? - Max can't be as popular as man. Did I say that? - You did. - Oh. - And you say it a lot. (laughing) - Anyway. Yeah, you might be losing them for good and that might be a good thing. - It might be. Yeah, that may not be the dynamic you need more, but you gotta do some other stuff. - Yes. - You got some other stuff to do. - Good luck baby girl. - Good luck, Heather Headley. - All right, who's next? - She's calling herself Maya Rudolph in Bright's Mades, which is one of my favorites of-- - I love that movie. - Oh, it's happening. - Oh, I saw that in Twitter. - Shit, in the street. (laughing) - Shit in the street. (laughing) - She's doing it, she's doing it. - It's coming out of me like llama. - Okay, sorry, Maya Rudolph. - Hi. - Hi. - A few weeks ago, one of my oldest friends and I got into a blowout argument, [BLANK_AUDIO] friends for 15 years and she was gonna be one of my bridesmaids and my upcoming. Oh I get it now. Okay. Yep. Oh boy. Thank God. Thank God it's not my French chat in the street. Okay. And her $3,300 bridesmaids gal. And now she won't pay for it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. We're so sorry. Okay. Come on, Jay. We were bitch. You're in a neighborhood. Get it together. We were friends for 15 years and she was gonna be one of my bridesmaids and my upcoming wedding. Her boyfriend left her and unbeknownst to me. She was completely spiraling mentally. Although I reached out to her and she decided it wasn't enough and ended our friendship. Damn. She first texted me on a Sunday night asking me to remove her boyfriend from my wedding invitations because he had just broken up with her. I texted her that I removed his invitation and asked her how she was doing and if she wanted me to call. She told me she wasn't sure about a call right now. She's told me in the past that she doesn't like random calls. So I always ask first. Oh yeah. However, texting is the worst form of communication for me. Oh, me too. Yeah, I will bitch. If you texted me, you're available for a sec. No, I'm not. I know. And if you're not, you won't answer. But anyway, I have told all my friends over and over. If you need something from me, please call. Text notifications are easy for me to miss or get buried in my on DHD. Did I write this letter? Did she write this letter? This is so jane. God, don't fucking text me. That Monday and Tuesday had the same dynamic. I text to ask how she's doing and told and she told me she feels terrible and full of anxiety back on her anxiety meds. I fell staff for her and gave her typical advice about filling your feelings that grief is normal and encouraged her to take time off work since she could. Then this is my biggest regret. I left her on red. She wrote, I think I should just be put in a grippy sock gel. Maybe I'm dense, but I thought she was joking because of the silly language she used. Exactly. I quickly glanced at her message at work on Tuesday and then told myself I would get back to her later. But after that, I had a terrible couple of days, worked really late, found out about horrible news from extended family, and I had to correct mistakes with wedding related orders. It's small potatoes in the grand scheme of things, but I didn't check my messages. I completely forgot to reach out to my friend. Thursday evening, I realized my mistake and texted her. I'm sorry I didn't reach out soon or how you doing. Can I please call you? Friday morning, I reached out again, asking Nicole and I got a text message from her that said, I hurt her by not being there in the first few days that she thought she was dying and didn't know how to help herself. I kind of hate your friend, Maya. I was confused and told her I'll call her after work because I couldn't have this kind of conversation over text. She responded that she was waiting for my call. I did call her after work and she unleashed a barrage of hate and resentment towards me. Apparently, she'd been absolutely spiraling to the point of physical pain because of the breakup. She was angry that practical strangers were checking on her and that I as her oldest friend wasn't there for her. I couldn't believe it. Had I not texted her immediately when she told me. Also, although I did not say it out loud, I wondered how strangers even knew that she broke up with her boyfriend. Did Jay write this? I was like, Jay was like, and now exactly did strangers come for you. You are a big, so dramatic and hyperbolic. I didn't call because she has told me in the past not to, and even she had acknowledged this. I apologize for leaving her on red, but she was so angry she refused to accept that this was a mistake. She yelled at me as though I intentionally ignored her. Apparently, her college roommate had taken a flight to be with her. So in comparison, I'd let her down. I was incredibly distressed and increasingly angry. So I asked her, point blank, what she thought I was doing all day. And I said, did I write this? And hindsight, that was probably not the best move. You were fed up, Maya. You were fucking fed up. You were fed up, Maya Jay. She completely lost it. And she started screaming at me over the phone. She said that I was undermining her by saying my problems were more important than hers. It's not what she said, and that her breakup wasn't the same as a bad day at work. And I should have known she was expressing a need and that her texts were cry for help. Then she screamed as she felt dead inside when she talked to me, that I was always escalating and triggering her. That lady is not your fucking friend. Jay, that's not about Jesus. Sorry. Okay. That our friendship was dying, and that we were incompatible. Her last words to me were, I hope this hurt you as much as you hurt me. I hung up the phone and cried. Then I slept, joined it. It's not me. This friendship in the last few years was mired in instances of hurt, confusion, and disappointment on both sides. I tried to look at our old photos and then realized there were only seven of us together in the last five years. Even when given the opportunity, she'd not been present in my life in a meaningful way. Hangouts, phone calls, and visits were always on her terms and her schedule. On top of this, she never attended any of the bridesmaids meetups and planned on skipping the Bachelorette trip. So maybe she wanted to build on my wedding too. I'll make assumptions. I know she had issues with anxiety, but perhaps her issues were deeper than I knew. And she needed more help than I could ever give her. Maybe whoever those strangers were. It's a low back. It seems like strangers. Maybe whoever those strangers were that were checked or had more experience with mental health crisis than I. Either way, I didn't know how to help her. And it seemed like everything else I would say would make her angry or hurt her more. In the morning I texted her back, "I'm sorry that I hurt you, especially at this time, but I don't think we're compatible as friends." Then blocked her on socials and removed her from the bridesmaid group chat. She responded, "I don't think so. I wish you all the happiness." I did not reply back and deleted her phone number. So crystal. Am I a lousy friend for not recognizing she was in such a bad state? Or was this just a case of mismatched expectations of friendship that finally reached their breaking point? I knew I dropped the ball for forgetting to text back, but was her extreme reaction warranted? No one has spoken to me like this before, so I'm running through my head what I could have done better. All the best, Maya Rudolph and bridesmaids. Maya Jade Rudolph. I think when you said that perhaps her anxiety was at a level that you didn't previously understand and she needed more help, I think you are exactly right about that. It's normal for a bad breakup to send people spiraling. That's very normal. This reaction? No, you don't get to spiral with me, sorry. Well, I like that. Not like exactly, not like this. I also, if somebody said I just feel like I need a grippy sock vacation or something like that or I need to be in grippy sock jail, I would not take that super seriously because of the way you're expressing it because that is very colloquial joky language about something that if you are serious, that's a very serious thing. But I would not have, I would not have taken that to mean that my friend is going to end her own life, you know, imminently. I would not have. I probably would have glanced at that and said, okay, yeah, let me text her back. The fact that you forgot, I can understand her feelings being hurt. However, you didn't forget for weeks. It also, right? I would also feel maybe today's relationship as it was, like, oh, you think so. That's what it read as, I mean, I can only determine so many things in the paragraph. I mean, I think she feels the way you feel because y'all, y'all are very much like one, y'all are like one. No, but this lady, she said, first she tell me, don't call the phone. I don't like nobody calling my phone. Then she doesn't want to answer when she don't want to answer. Like, come on, man, I can't just be moving on your terms all the fucking time. And people can have mental health things, right? And Maya even mentioned that, like, you, this whole, it felt like everything was on her terms. Yeah. When we hung out, was up to her, when she came to visit, or, you know, anything to do with our relationship, it was just all on her. It was based off of her availability and how she felt, and blah, blah, blah. Sometimes our oldest friends are not our best ones. Yeah. And that's okay. She didn't come to any of the bridesmaids meet up. She probably wasn't active in the group chat. She was planning on skipping the bachelor rat trip. So like, damn girl, what was you going to do? This didn't sound like, this lady did not sound like her friend like that. But I do like how, I like how you worded it. Was this just a case of mismatched expectations of friendship? Could it be? That finally reached their breaking point. Yes. I think your friend from these paragraphs. She sounded like a piece of fucking work. She does. And also, I do appreciate the fact that in that particular statement, you're not putting all the onus on her or on yourself. Yeah. Because sometimes things are really just misaligned and mismatched. Yeah. And that's also okay. And she said, like, over the years, there was time that we were hurt, confused, disappointed on both sides. We have done this to each other. So again, it may, like you both said, I don't think we're compatible as friends. And I think you both are correct about that. Yeah. But the fact that she, now when you said, what exactly do you think I do all day? All areas, objectively hilarious. But also what? Like, but you think I'm just sitting and playing with my pussy? Right. Like, I'm at work. I got Aaron's to run. I'm playing at a wedding. I know other people. Right. You don't only want to crisis, bitch. Do you see the economy? Yeah. Please. Yeah. She sounds very wrapped up in herself. And, you know, the fact that her college roommate could drop everything and come fly out to her doesn't mean everybody can do that. Everybody simply cannot do that. Yeah. We have lives. We have family. We have responsibilities. Flights are $500 minimum in coach. Like, everybody simply cannot do that. So. For some. somebody who hated text or who hated phone calls. I think I would have acted this exact same way. I would have texted you to check on you because you've made it clear you don't like random calls that aren't pre-approved or whatever. - That's what I'm saying. This bitch is a piece of fucking word. - She sounds like a lot. And the fact that you, she went off on you when you said, what do you think I do all the time? Do you think I'm massaging my clitoris all day? 'Cause I'm not like, first of all, that's a lot of pressure for a long time. (laughing) But the fact that she went off on you and said that you're always triggering her and I hope this hurt you as much as you hurt me. That doesn't sound like a healthy person. - You don't want nobody in your life like that. - She sounds like she needs a lot more structured, professional help. - And that's not your problem. - And it was never your problem or a responsibility. But to react that way. - To this, I think the problem here, it really does sound more like her reaction. Bitch, your nigger, indigo relationship, I didn't. I called you. You told me, I don't like the phone calls. - Right. - You're, you're, you're. - And if I said, now I see why your man don't want you no more, I'm the villain. - And I was in the opera summer for a bunch of the souls. - Yeah, as far as things you could have done better, this honestly sounds like it was gonna happen eventually anyway. This sounds like it was inevitable. - 'Cause your friend didn't like you and she wasn't your friend. - I won't go that far. - That didn't know. - But it's always triggering me. You blah, blah, blah, no. When people wait for a moment to unleash on you, they don't like you like that. - Yes, but I won't say that she always, it was always this way. The Alabama friends for 15 years, it's possible that you just grew apart. That happens too. Sometimes we make great friends in middle school or high school or even early in college years. And then once we hit them 30s, mid 30s, 40s, and people start really growing up or not. - And you realize you're like, oh my god. - You're like, damn. - I didn't know my friend was such a burst. - Yeah. - I did not know. (laughs) - Right, so not saying you were perfect here, but I don't think anything you did warranted this level of reaction. That's what makes me think she has something much deeper going on. Probably not even just anxiety. Probably something more complicated than even that. - And you're not taking the brunt of it. - But it does sound like you both are at the same understanding of this friendship should end here. - And that's okay. - Yeah. - And you could love her and also wish a little-- - Love her go. - Yep. - And don't have to be involved with her on a day-to-day basis. - Yes. - I had to do that with somebody who I realized have become unsafe. And I still, right now, in this very moment, as I'm talking to you, I love them dearly. And I hope that their life works out well for them. And they don't have no space in mind. - Yep. - And that's cool. - And that's a very, sometimes it is just like that. And life will teach you that. - Yeah. - 'Cause trying to hold on to somebody who is hurting you, it is only to break you. - Especially where you got shit to do all day. Anyway. - I'm sorry, that's so funny. - That was so fucking funny. - Girl, yes, of course I'm concerned for you. And you, when she texted you and said, "Hey, my man broke up with me. Can you delete his invitation?" You didn't ask no more questions. You just did it. - You just went in there, deleted it. Like, girl, no problem. He outta here. What's up? Let's talk. Like, you. - Yeah, nah. She was looking. - She was looking for a reason to see it and to unleash. - I think you were just the target. - Yeah. - And it was probably always gonna end in a manner similar to this. So, chalk it up and move on to the-- - The luck on your wedding. Those are stressful enough. - They're right. Stressful enough. - So without anything extra. - Take care of yourself. - And you got a lot of other bridesmaids. I was like, "Y'all gotta be in chat." - Right. - So, I would-- - And it only sound like the rest of 'em, even maybe they don't even know her that well, 'cause she wasn't involved in nothing regarding your wedding, right? - I'm sure somebody in it was just like, "I forgot that bitch was in the wedding." (laughing) - Oh man, good luck. - Good luck, Maya Jade. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - 'Cause it really, at times-- - A lot of that, except-- - All of that except the way she responded. - You would have been-- - I would have been like, and I'm a great friend. Let's be clear, I'm not quick to go. - You are a great friend. - But you don't get to be a shitty fucker if you need to meet me. - You don't know. - 'Cause I will then try to match and surpass you. - Yes. (laughing) - So, that's how I know Jade didn't write it. - Hello. - The rest of it though. (laughing) - All right. - All right. - Let's see who's next. - Who's next. - Do I want to call you that? - I'm gonna give you a name at the end after I read the list. - You know, what if these people made up a fake name for themselves, and then you give them a, what you think is a fake name, and it's actually their real name. - When I call somebody, Anita, Baker, Goods, or whatever the fact, that is not their name. (laughing) - All right, Mom. - Maybe Ashley, but she gave herself their name, and that was actually funny. - And had I had more time, I would have given you a wider name. - Anyway. (laughing) - Hi, Chris Hall. - Hi. - My partner and I have been together for six years. We're in a loving relationship. We both care deeply for one another. I identify as a lesbian, and my partner is bisexual. Over the years, we have built a life together. We share a home, a dog, and plans for the future. I have invested so much into this relationship because I truly saw her as my forever person. - Oh, I know. - I was even ring-shopping and thinking seriously about taking the next step in our relationship, but recently I discovered that she had been communicating with her ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago. I found out by reading conversations, she had discussed in chat GPT. - Oh, my God. - That's where you should have ended the relationship sister. When I confronted her, she apologized, acknowledged that it was wrong and promised to stop. However, I later discovered that she had continued communicating with him. I want to acknowledge that during this time, she's been dealing with a lot of personal challenges, particularly health concerns related to fertility, as well as career and family issues. I can empathize with how difficult and emotional those experiences can be, and I know they have affected her deeply. However, while I understand what she has been going through, it does not lessen the hurt or the impact her actions have had on me. - Right. - What makes us even more confusing is that recently, she'd been expressing a stronger desire for independence and individuality, while she's curating her conversations on chat GPT. On one hand, I understand that people grow and sometimes need space to rediscover themselves, but given everything that has happened, I don't know how to interpret it. I find myself questioning whether this is simply a healthy part of our personal growth, or a sign that she's pulling away from our relationship. We're currently trying to work through this and repair what has been damaged, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm not enough. I do believe she truly loves me, but in the back of my mind, I worry that she would be happier with him than with me. - Damn. Part of what makes this so painful is that while I was envisioning a future together and looking at engagement rings, she was continuing a connection that she knew would hurt me. I also can't help but wonder whether her fertility concerns and reconnecting with the former boyfriend are connected in ways that I don't fully understand. As someone in a same-sex relationship, that possibility has brought up fears and insecurities that I'm struggling a process. I love her deeply and I wanna make this work, but I don't know how to rebuild trust or how to make sense of all these feelings. Any advice would help. Thank you. Sleepless in Seattle. - Sleepless in Seattle. - Lost in lesbianism. - Okay. - Oh, first of all, you are enough. - You're bisexual, Betty, is not helping the stereotype. - She's not. - Oh, my first heart is, "Why would you do this?" Do you know what the discourse is right now about bisexuals, "Why would you do this?" - Look, and then it'd be like, bisexuals are like my ratios. They'd be like, "Take me seriously." I'd be like, "I want to." (laughing) But you always do something. (laughing) - The fertility health issues that affect her fertility and reconnecting with an old boyfriend from 10 years ago sounds related. - Mm-hmm. - Sounds like perhaps she's concerned about her ability to have kids and maybe she wants to do that very badly and so she's trying to recruit him to be a part of that in one way or another. Now, the thing is, if it was just gonna be like a sperm donor type situation, I think she would have been a lot more open with you about it. I don't think you would have had to find out by coming across her chat G-P-T. I don't even know what that looks like. - What the fuck is she doing in there? - I don't know. I don't know what it looks like to run things through chat G-P-T, so I don't know how you found that. Is it like when you close a browser and the history is there? - Sister. - So if you pull it, we don't know. We don't know how it works. (laughing) But it's a combination of, by themselves, they're not necessarily too worrisome, but all of them together, signal. It seems to me that she is on her way out of this relationship. That's what it sounds like. - It does sound like that. - She's been chatting with the old guy. You found out about it. She tried to apologize, but then kept talking to him. So you don't care if you lose me. (laughing) That's what I'm getting from that. What you mean? That she said, oh, yeah, I was wrong for that. I'm not gonna do it again, but she's still talking to him. And then, oh, she's been expressing lately a desire to be more independent and more of an individual. This sounds like-- - But she care rates her conversations to chat GPT. - Well, I can't. I'm trying to get past it. - No, I mean, I, so many people use it that I'm trying not to pass judgment, but-- - No, I'm fully passing judgment. - No, I mean, I do too. - We gotta work on our critical thinking. Y'all, you can't write up a sentence. You can't come up with your old caption. You can't do these things. - And the thing is, chat is only going to make you dumb, or you need to use your brain. - Okay, sorry, this is not what this is about. - It's not. Deeply right deeply disturbed it just sounds like I'm for sure would put up a big, big ice block on ring shopping and taking things to the next level. It sounds like things are not stable at the level they're at right now. Like, yeah, and all this chatting with the ex and keeping it a secret from you. - Yeah, that's manipulative. And I'm gonna be honest with you. Like, fertility issues are very sensitive. - Yep. - They're very, very tender. And I know everybody does not operate the same with them. But also, fertility issues are going to be there whether you are in relationship with a man or a woman. - Correct. - So, while I wanna be very sensitive, especially if somebody who is living with their own shit right now, I wanna be sensitive to that. But that feels a bit of a cop out to me if I'm being honest with you. Like, you gonna have them fertility issues. - Regardless. - It don't matter whether Jerome is there or whatever she's calling us. Whatever, like, it's gonna be. (laughing) - Muston lesbian is a fright. - LLL, oh, LIO. Lil, Lilith. That's very lesbian. - Lilith is a very lesbian and good job, girl. - Thank you. - 'Cause you were there at the first lift, man. (laughing) - It was many lifetimes. - You look like you were out there setting up the campground. - The sturdow and set a plan. - Pitch and dance. (laughing) - And you're. (laughing) - Yeah, your girlfriend is not being transparent with you about where she is in her life at all. And I think everything that you said here, you need to say to her, like, all right, Miss Girl, we have a whole life together. It's not like you told us you just moved into an apartment. - Right. - Y'all have a home, a dog. - Six years. - A future. - Right. - That's not it. We need to sit down and have some, like, keep it funky conversations, honestly. - Yes, I agree. I think it's, you love her deeply. You wanna make it work, but does she feel the same way? - Yeah. And also, please be real with me when I ask you this. Like, tell her you need that transparency 'cause she's playing with your future too. - Right. And your heart. - Lily said, I don't know how to rebuild trust. Well, you didn't break it. So that actually isn't on you. - It's not. - It's on her. Does she want to rebuild the trust? Does she want to keep you as her partner? You've gotta talk to her about this so you can find out the answer to those questions. - I agree. - 'Cause you can't make this work. You're not the reason that things are rocky right now. - No. - No, you're not the reason. - She's the one chatting with X's and lying about it. - Through unconventional portals. I don't, I just promise in the style, but still going, like, she's talking to him about something that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about. What could that possibly be? Is it how she don't wanna be with you no more? Is it, she's like, damn, she's gonna be talking about her at all, but. - Mine not, but the fact that she can't talk to you about, and you're not being real with me about what you're doing in general. - Right. - That's a problem. - If you can't tell me, I'm having conversations with him. - Right. - Then you're doing something you're not supposed to be doing. - If you can't tell me the man's side of my bisexuality is being my ass right now, then what are we doing? - Yeah, what are we doing? - Why can't you talk to me about that? Also, yeah. - Is this the relationship you wanna be in for real? - Yeah. - This is something y'all have to talk about. - You are doing more harm when you're like, yeah, this is what I want, and you can. - But your girlfriend's not the one who wrote it. So this is really like, this is not for you. You deserve better. - And it's brought up fears and insecurities that a lot of lesbians have about dating by sexual women. And you know, it's true that a person can cheat on you regardless of their sexual orientation, just because she's by, doesn't mean she's going to cheat or cheat with a man. It's unfortunate that that seems to be the exact scenario, though, because a lot of lesbians have a fear of dating by women for that reason that they'll be left for a man that they are not good enough. And I think you even said that you're struggling with feeling like you're not enough. If a by partner cheats on you with somebody who has a different set of genitals than you do, it can feel like, oh, so what I had wasn't enough. Wasn't good enough for you, wasn't sufficient for you. Even though that's not necessarily true. - Yeah. - That's not necessarily true, but it can definitely feel that way. So yeah, y'all have got to talk about it if the relationship has any chance of surviving, but she's going to have to do the majority of the work to repair the trust because she's the one who broke it. - Yeah, if that's something she want to do. And if that's what something you want. - Well, you want it, you want it deeply. You want it bad. - Well, I don't want them to want it more than they want some peace for themselves. And they never start to question their own self-worth is where you're heading into harmful territory. - Yeah, well, and that's sometimes that is a natural thing to wonder, but it's really not great to stay in that space. Again, and it's all coming back to you got to talk to her about this because if y'all are in two different places, splitting sooner is better than splitting later. It sounds like y'all are delaying the inevitable, honestly, but yeah, I can understand why you would avoid the conversation if you don't want the relationship to end. - Yeah. - I can. - But you got to have it, man. - Yeah. - You got to have it. Godspeed, Lil, good luck Lilith. I'm sorry, babe. - All right. - One more? - Yeah. - Wonderful. - Hello from Australia. - Nope. - Never again. - That's what's it? - Yeah. - Don't do that. - I'm struggling with whether I did the right thing. - Oh, please don't. - No, she's not so bad. - My friend. - No, what's the night? (laughing) Three years ago, I moved to a new city and this friend went one of the firsts. - I was worried she was going to try to do that. - I was. - My mother's. - But you killed my doing. - 'Cause it's so bad. - Dream killers. - It was really bad. (laughing) - Was it then? - Yeah. - Okay. - Do you think that's it? - That was. - That was. - I heard it. - I heard it. - I heard it right. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay, stop before they say something. - Right, right, right, right, right, right. And we- - Right, this is the saddest letter, right? Okay. - Three years ago, I moved to a new city and this friend was one of my first people I connected with. We became very close. He made me feel like I could actually build a life here. Over the last six months though, his mental health has been getting worse. I'm not a trained person, but from the outside, it was obvious he was struggling with mental illness. He finally saw a doctor and got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was prescribed antidepressants. And the diagnosis absolutely shattered him. He refuses to even fill the prescription and seems consumed by shame about being mentally ill. - Uh-oh. - I know that shame too. I've lived with my own mental illness for years. I've done 15 years of therapy and manage it now, mostly successfully with journaling, exercise, supportive friends, and a little ganja. - Oh, okay. - I told him all of this, hoping it would make him feel less alone. Instead, he told me he'd rather have HIV because HIV is less shameful than mental illness. That wrecked me while also spiking my blood pressure immediately. It felt incredibly insulting, not only to me, but also to the many HIV positive people I know and love deeply. - What is this stigma? - This person is not well. All I could think about was, if this is how he thinks about stigma and illness, what does he think about me? - Right. - The truth is, this wasn't isolated. For the month's his mental health has been deteriorating, he'd been increasingly irritable, lashing out, dismissing support, and being cruel when people tried to help. The friendship had gone from supportive and chaotic to exhausting and painful. I confronted him and told him I was walking away from the friendship. Then I blocked him because I was scared of his response. Now I feel guilty. Part of me knows he's unwell and probably acting from a place of fear and change. - Exactly that. - Part of me feels like illness doesn't excuse cruelty, and I hit my limit also that. Did I do the right thing by walking away? How do I stop feeling guilty about abandoning someone who's clearly suffering? And where's the line between compassion for someone's illness and protecting yourself from the harm they cause? Thanks for everything you do. Dingo. - Maybe the Dingo I ate my baby. (laughing) - Dingo I ate my baby. - Oh my God. I know HIV is like, now why am I eating? - No, like I just can't lay out of nowhere. - Right. - That was crazy. - So. - Also that is not a life death system. - And right is, many people living with HIV still has a lot of stigma around it. - Yeah. - I would say more than depression or anxiety, but it doesn't matter. - It really does it. That was a why you don't think to say. Anyway. - So your friend, I think you're right that he is unwell, acting from a place of fear and shame. The fact that he is so ashamed of having depression and anxiety, which are like the two most common mental illnesses, bro, like, I don't wanna say everybody, but a lot of people have those. - I mean, I'm just saying. The fact that he's so ashamed of that that he won't even fill the prescription. That signals to me that he's trying to force himself to not be that way through sheer willpower, that he is trying to think his way out of being depressed. - That sounds about church. - To convince himself that he is not actually anxious, right? And I don't know where those beliefs are coming from, but he won't even fill the prescription. Maybe it's there to help so that you don't struggle like this. So that you're not lashing out at your friends. So you're not dismissing the people who are trying to help you. So that you're not being cruel to those who love you. That's how you end up losing your relationships. Because people can only take so much of that. And now we have a name for what you're going through. We have a plan to help you through it. [BLANK_AUDIO] refuse to do it because you'd rather have HIV because it's less shaped what girl girl you're gonna have to work through your internalized shame and the the feelings that you have about what it means to be mentally ill. I wouldn't be surprised if they got this from parents or church like you say this came this message came from somebody else because this is a this is a wild boy. Yeah. To take it as far as is something I can I can hardly understand. They have a skewed view of HIV because again there are so many medications and ways that people are living. Well full and happy lives anyway that aside. But they're saying HIV is less shameful than mental illness. Where is that that came from somewhere? Maybe that's true in Australia. That's not true in America. No I don't think so. I mean I don't think so either but again I think this is their own shame talking. Yeah. Because that doesn't make sense. And the line and the boundary you had to draw for yourself. Dang it. Sorry I couldn't I think anything. Okay. Nope you did it. I could call them what's the name of Tyra Banks? I fucking ice cream shopping Australia. I thought it was called hot ice cream. It's called smies or something. Oh I didn't know it was called that. Oh God. I could call them that. But anyway. You drawing a line for yourself and protecting yourself is just fine. That is okay. If somebody is unwilling to do their own work. Right. You don't have to subject yourself to that. Right. No. The I'd rather have HIV thing is bad enough. I think that would have been enough for me to distance myself. But you know you said it's been like this for months. For months he's been irritable and treating you shitty and being cruel. You know because he doesn't believe he deserves it. It's not worth. Yeah. There's a being diagnosed with this is really piercing at something internally for him that is connected to what he believes his worth is as a human being. And you said I'm not a trained person. Correct. And you should not put yourself in a trained person's place. Yeah. You stayed in a friend's place. You tried to support. But you can only help people who are willing to help themselves. If they are not willing to see a therapist, take their meds, work their program, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It's time to move on. Yeah. And because they are hurting you in the process and you didn't go don't deserve that bullshit. You don't deserve none of that. You're trying to be a good friend. Yeah. I think you do too. So I would say I do think you did the right thing by walking away. I don't necessarily think I would forever be like, oh, fuck you. We ain't never going to be friends again. But not while you like this. No. And it's not abandonment either. You know how I feel about that word? Yeah. It's not abandonment. You letting them deal with their issues and not projecting them on to you does not mean you abandon them. No. This is facing the consequences of your own choices. Yes. Immediately ill or not. You don't get to just be willing. You don't. Willy-nilly-ing with people's. You cannot abandon someone. You don't have a responsibility to take care of. This is not your child. This is not your patience. You're being a cat, a dog, a kid. Right. Not somebody an elderly person who is who is charged to your care. Yeah. Again, somebody you have an obligation to take care of. This is not that. Yeah. Yeah. Teachers can abandon students. Friends don't abandon friends. No, no, abandon a house. All right. Great. Right. Didn't go. That was so. And that is where the line is. The thing that was your last question. Where's the line between compassion and protecting yourself? It's right there. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you working your steps? Are you doing what you're supposed to do? This person is so angry that they have these disorders that they're not even going to do something to help fix it. That level of disgust with oneself, you're not going to be able to fix that. No, you're not. But I hope that you all are able to find your way eventually. Yeah. Hope your friend gets the support that they need. Same. I just wish they didn't hurt you in the process because it's a lot easier to maintain relationships when somebody's not actively hurting you with their bullshit. But it's a lot easy to support somebody through their mental illness when they're not taking their mental illness out on you. And that's hard. Right. Yeah. Like I, I know, we know, like it's hard. Yeah. It's hard. And you do. You go through many stages of, well, you know, am I supposed to show up in this way? I don't know if I'm supposed to show up in this way. Okay. Well, they're, they're lashing out. But I don't want them to be more upset because they're not in a good space. Ultimately, it's not your responsibility. And it's not under your control. It's not. You cannot force. If you could force it, he wouldn't act like this. And I hope they turn it around too and be like, have I been a shitty fucking, you motherfucker. He's probably not even thinking that way. He's so wrapped up in his own experience. He probably does not even see how he's hurting everybody. And one day he's going to open his proverbial eyes and look around and nobody will be there. And he will be in the wreckage of his own decisions. And he will have to come to terms with that. But again, you cannot do nothing about that. No, you tried to support him. He said, I wish I, I wish I had HIV instead. Okay, girl. Fuck my drag, man. Go get your, go get yourself. Yeah. Go get yourself some help. And that's the thing. He went and got help. And now he's not accepting the help. Like that letter from last week, the Mama. Yep. We got everybody trying to come together and fix you. And you just refuse. Okay. At a certain point, I throw up my hands. You win. Yeah. Yeah. You win. There's too much stress in this world to be adding those extra stresses on from other people. Indeed. When they just dead set on being nuts. Yeah. But like, we better turn. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's probably that's problematic, right? Well, when they decide they want to be problematic. Well, when they decide they don't want to do anything to address how they are problematic, like you didn't choose to have depression and anxiety, but you are choosing to not treat it. Yes. So, and that, I mean, you're going to lose your friends. You're going to lose the people who care about you. You know who you're not going to lose me. See that? Don't be afraid. Please believe me when I say. Count on. Count on. Count on. Count. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, me. And on that note, that was going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's couch. Thank you, Jade. Thank you for coming. How about we come back again tomorrow in brand new clothes and do it again? Okay. I'm all with it. Okay. Let's do it. If you have a question for me, send me an email, [email protected]. You can follow us on social media @crystalscatch. Thanks so much. As always for tuning in. We'll see y'all next week.