(upbeat music) - Hi and welcome to Crystal's couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Y'all's favorite who read his back. Everybody give it up for Jay. - You're the perfect one. - She's back in this studio. It's been a long sister, how are you? - I am well, how are you? - You know, doing good. - I've been interviewing actual professionals. - I have, you know, people with letters behind their names. - I was like the doctors. - And yes, she's been a string of PhDs and all kinds of things. - She's that fantastic fabulous conversation. - Aren't they? I feel like, I just love that. And of course, we're gonna do more of that as the show goes on, but when it comes to like getting back to how the show started, with the listener letters and the inbox, simply reading them and you know you're everybody's favorite. So I don't know why. - I had to bring you back. Well, 'cause you're just so real. - God speed strangers. (laughing) Are we ready? - Yes, let's go. - Okay, who's up first? - I did not come up with these names today. I've been legendary. - And thank God. - And thank God. - No, you'll just be able to be happy. I've been busy. - Okay. - Yeah, 'cause you do too much. - Next time? - Because you do too much. - I'll have a flu, a list. - And yeah, that's not necessary either. You don't have to do that. - Thank you so much. All right, Princess Unclaimed Sun. - Beautiful. - I actually doubt that. - Jay. - Anyway. (laughing) - How big are you? - Two minutes later. (laughing) - Hello, Crystal. - Hi. - I recently turned 30 and in the last year I've been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. I'm not currently in therapy due to financial stress. - So real. - But I try to use the tools I've been given. I let my aunt move into my home so she could get back on her feet because she was struggling after her divorce. She helped raise me and my brother when our mother couldn't and our grandmother didn't have the capacity. She works part-time and I've never pressed her about covering bills since she cooks, cleans and provides rides for me when I need. - Real. - Oh, I know that's right. - Yeah. - But my aunt is still hung up on her ex-husband who was covertly abusive. He ruined her credit before their divorce was finalized, who stalked her and turned mutual friends against her. Now she directs that anger and disappointment towards her own family by crashing out and saying things like we don't love her, we don't believe her, et cetera. I admittedly haven't talked to her about this because it feels like she only hears what she wants. The lack of communication makes me feel bad but I don't know how to assist her while I'm also working through my own things. Her arguments always return to her ex's betrayal and how we, the family, are complicit. Even though no one knew of their marital problems until after everything blew up. I've directed her to local free and low-cost mental health services since she doesn't feel comfortable hearing from us but it feels like pulling teeth. The crash out feels like psychosis. My question for you is, is there a way to meet her where she's at on her good days? Kicking her out feels wrong but my piece is deeply disturbed. Sincerely, puss, princess, unclaimed son. I love her acronym. - You do. - Yeah. - And that's actually puss. I'll leave it alone. - Well, I was trying to make it. - No, I know. You were trying to make it a little bit cut. (laughing) - 'Cause you are, you are so LGBTQ. - But I know, I'm just an ally. Princess, unclaimed son. - Yeah, that vest does not say ally, but anyway. (laughing) Anyway, I'm glad you mentioned that you didn't want to kick her out because that was my first thought. Get the bloody outro. - I know. But then also she stepped in when your mama couldn't and helped raise you, so. - It creates a certain level of responsibility. - It does, it does. And it creates a bond where you're like, you know, it's very much like a mother or father sort of attachment to this auntie, which a lot of us already have anyway because our families are so close. So I can see why kicking her out is not the first thing you want to do. However, something has to shift. - Yes, absolutely. - Because the difference is that you were a child and you deserved to have somebody take care of you. - Yeah, you shouldn't have to go from hitherto thither, but you know, shout out to her. - Right. - She took care of you and I think that's dope. - But this is an adult and you're doing a great thing by, you know, bringing her into your home, but this kind of constant disrespect and not even just disrespect, but like crashing out and making your husband's shitty behavior my fault. - No, this is where a boundary has to be said, real hard, like real hard. And if that means that eventually she has to go because she does not want to do the work, you know what I'm saying? To take the steps to get better. Then you don't deserve for your whole piece to be disrupted. You know, it's the same thing as people who like, they do things because they're, you know, when I was a kid, I do this because of my childhood. Bitch, that's cool for a while, until you're fucking 45. And then you don't get to use your childhood trauma as an excuse for bad behavior. And so likewise, this is a grown lady and thank you so much for taking me in and buying me fish sticks and shoes and doing all the things, but you don't get to while out in my crib because your husband was trash. Just that. And the thing is she's been given multiple options here and she just doesn't want to do any of them. Like we've tried to talk to you about it. We've offered free and low cost mental health services, which it definitely sounds like she needs. Like you've been given options here and you're just like, well, no, I don't wanna do that. Well, no, I don't like that. But then she just continues to hurt you. Well, then you're gonna have to find someone else to live. (laughing) I love my mother down, but she can't come in my house while in. Oh no, oh no. You know what I'm saying? Because it's my home. Exactly, and it's my piece. I'm right and I'm not going to be disturbed to this level consistently in my home. Like yes, if you share your house with somebody, eventually that person or pet or whatever is going to get on your nerves. But there's a line and your auntie is crossing it. There's killing your nerves and there's harm. Right. And this is harmful. Yes. This is harmful. And it sounds like she, I mean, when you say she still hung up on her ex-husband, do you mean like, does she still have feelings for him? Like is she still trying to maybe? Who cares? He's not around anymore. A wrecking silence. God damn, it may be that. Sorry. No, it's fine. Because you feel strongly, and this is why the girls love you. And this is probably what most people I think it, and I'm over here like, wow. I know. There's a Sesame Street answer. And they're like, girl, can't just bitch out. You're like the book, the book says. And that is good. We need that. Well, because you want to help here. Yeah. But she's just not making it easy. No, I think you have to, I think you got to give us some some some hard parameters. Right. Like, hey Miss Girl, when you act like this, I can't tolerate that. So if you don't take these steps to get yourself some help, then we're going to have to talk about some alternatives in living situations. Yeah, because I mean, first things first, how do you mean that we're all complicit in the things you're ex-dead when we didn't know nothing about it? Like, I feel like we should be able to talk down and clear that up right now. I like, I'm tired of the ex. He has too much motherfucking say so in this house for a nigga who is not there. He's he has too much power. Yes. In this dynamic, and it may be that, you know, for however many years I was married to this man, that he has been abusive this all the time. So trying to recover from that can be extremely challenging. Yeah. That's why I understand, you know, trying to have this patience with hard to help him work through this. But, you know, you have ADHD and autism. You have a job and you have all of your own things to take care of, like you have your own life in this economy, in this world. Like, we don't have, we don't even have the strength to carry other people's, other people's shit with us, especially if they not carry it on their own. That's not to say you don't support your loved ones and you don't find a way to, this my girl, you know what I'm saying? She told me she needs someone to be right there. But also she don't get to harm me in that process. And I think those things can exist, coexist. Especially repeatedly. Like, there's no accountability here either. You try to talk to her about the way she acts and it's, oh well, y'all did this to me. Like how, it's the idea that I'm somehow responsible for the things your ex-husband did to you is really patently absurd. And it does make me wonder if your auntie doesn't have deeper issues because this is, you know, there's a level of rationale that is missing here. Yeah. I thought the family's fault that your ex-husband did those things to you. In fact, it's because of the family that you even have somewhere to live now. He destroyed your credit, he stalked you, he turned your friends against you. It's crazy. Right. And I mean, this is, that's actually, I have other advice, but I don't think there's appropriate. You have illegal advice? Yeah, don't share that. I won't. But I just want you to know I had it. Yes. So, but I do think that it's fair. It's not a 90, 90 push push. I do think it's fair to say auntie, if you want to continue living here, therapy is not optional. Yeah. You must go. Yeah. You absolutely have to work on whatever it is that's bothering you because I cannot continue to sustain the way you are treating me. I think that's more than fair. And I mean, she does have, obviously, you love her. She cooks, cleans, gives you car rides. Those are great things. I wish. I wish somebody was throwing that for me. And I think that's lovely and beautiful. And it is not an excuse. Oh, yeah, you're right. We are. Yes, we're in a studio. Yeah. Oh, I think that does not give you an excuse right to while. Yeah, it doesn't. It doesn't. And, and if she, so if she just says, okay, you know what? I do want to keep living here, push. So I will go to therapy. [BLANK_AUDIO]
maybe that, you know, it's something, like I said, much deeper going on, it may be that medication is needed, nothing wrong with that, but we gotta make some kind of move towards progress. This is what I'm saying. I'm not saying she gotta go get healed tomorrow. - And she won't be healed. - But you gotta take a step. You gotta show me that you are making an effort. That's it. - I have to see the progress. I have to see you trying. - Yeah. - It cannot just be you taking all of these really difficult feelings that you have out on me, not stop. It cannot be that. - I agree. - So, best of luck to you, babe. That's hard, but listen, you're trying. - Yeah. - And I can't wait until you really get into your ADHD, like, that's where you get to get weed. - You know, Jade is the expert on being able to stay. - I am because I am all things. - No, we know. - Yeah. - You got all of them. - And through Christ. (laughing) - I don't know, nothing about Christ. - Not one thing. (laughing) - So many things. (laughing) I know so many things. - Oh, 'cause you've been first with Kia for a while. (laughing) - Next up, our next letter. (laughing) Who's up next, Jade? - I don't prefer this choice, so we're gonna call her blessing. - What? - I'm gonna call her blessing. - Blessing? - Yeah. - Okay. - Yeah. - Okay. - Hi, Crystal. - I'm a Nigerian immigrant, and I-- - Oh, you are trifling. That was one of my-- - You're calling her blessing, 'cause she's Nigerian years. How rude. - It was one of my best friends growing up. She was Nigerian, how did it was blessing? - Okay, girl. (laughing) Since you know so much about Christ. (laughing) We are Christ like people. Hi, Crystal. I'm your first generation Nigerian immigrant, and I need your advice on how to protect my younger sister from our abusive controlling father. - Mm-hmm. - Five years ago, I managed to escape the household by pursuing higher education out of state. I now maintain low contact with him. Taking my sister in with me now is not possible because I am starting medical school. Unfortunately, she still stuck living under his roof at 17 years old, and is facing severe financial and physical abuse. She recently started a part-time job, and he's already garnishing her wages. - Jesus. - When she confronted him and asked for her money back, he physically hid her. She plans to go to college to get away, but I'm terrified for her safety right now. How can I best support and protect her while she's still legally a minor living in his house? Thank you, blessing. - Aww, man. - Okay. That's, oh, that's rough. - Yeah. - A couple of things here. I think you said she cannot, you can't take your sister in because you're going to med school. - Mm-hmm. - Okay. - Yeah. - Well, the good thing about 17 is that it's almost 18. - Exactly. - And even at 17, you can probably leave your parents' house and not get into too much trouble about it. Would you like to share your experience? - No. - It was trifling. - Okay. - This here, though, this is, she, this girl is going through. - This is three. - She's going through it like a situation. - Right, something, I think, very different than what you were doing at that age. Right, so, but, I think there's a, there's a line sometimes that people don't always understand when it comes to, like, older children and responsibility. Like, I do think it's okay for a 17 year old to have a job and contribute to some things. Like, when I got a car when I turned 16, I also had to have a job because I had to pay for the car insurance and I had to pay for the gas. And my parents made the car payment. And I don't think that's unfair. However, garnishing her wages sounds like he automatically takes half an inch on her. - Right. - Yeah, not. - Right, right. And it sounds like you probably went through those, oh, yeah, you said the same thing. You went through the same thing. You now have low contacts. Ooh, what are you doing? - And that's really tricky, too, because it's really hard with contacting the state because you don't want to put this child in a even worse predicament. - And they probably will not remove her from the home for this. - Not at this stage, not at this age and not for these particular reasons, unfortunately. It doesn't mean she's not being abused. It doesn't mean that this should be happening 'cause it absolutely should not. Ooh, this one's tricky. Is there anybody, do you have blessing? Do you have any relatives or loved ones in safe spaces where maybe you all, for that last year, you all can figure out a plan for her, at least where she is emotionally and physically safe. - Right. - Until she also can take her leave and go pursue something else. I'm just wondering if there are any just, this is really hard. - It is, because she doesn't have the autonomy to just be like, okay, well, I'm gonna leave this house, you know, like I can't. It's not, you know, things just don't really work like that and it's not illegal to hit your child. - Unfortunately. - It's probably also not even illegal to take half of her check, like even if the state was an option here, like beating your kid a, well, and even then beating is not really illegal either. It has to cross a line of like cut skin and bleeding and scars and, but like it has to be so bad. - This is clear abuse, like this is clear abuse in a different way. - Yeah, but it's just not something that the government is gonna step in with. So I think if I were you, I would be trying to keep the line of communication with my sister as open as possible. - Yeah. - She needs somebody safe to talk to, who is not gonna blame her for the way her dad acts. - What about counseling at school, even? Like, I'm wondering if any of the, the therapy, what are they called? - Well, if she tells, if she, first of all, if she's lucky enough to have a school therapist or a school psychologist and she tells them that she's being beaten, that therapist has a legal obligation to contact the state. - She's amazing. - Not that anything won't necessarily happen from it, but they have to tell. - Yeah. - And that might make things starting. - And the system, again, the system was created from slavery, okay? No, I'm not Jill Scotting it. - What? - We weren't bought and sold on the Friday. - The foster care system was a legal way for slave owners and former slave owners to be able to take ownership of people's children. - Gotcha. - So that's not the system we wanna go with. - Well, I wouldn't go that far. It has racist origins, like just about everything in this country does. However, foster care is the best option for a lot of people. It just might not be the best one for blessings sister. Again, because she is so much older at 17, I would be hesitant to take her out of the home. I would be trying to support her as much as I encourage her as much as I can to get through these last few months until she graduates and move in on campus. So this is tricky. - This is tricky. - I'm also, I don't know where you live, obviously. But like here in New York, we have so many different communities and different places where you can go. So for instance, I teach at the Lower East Side Girls Club. And the Lower East Side Girls Club is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful facility that creates safe spaces for girls and FEMA, or what is it called? What is it called? - Assign me my birth. - No, family identifying you as well. And we have so many teachers and leaders within there too, that have different resources as well that might be able to help in situations like that. So I'm just wondering if there is something in her particular area of blessing that might be that sort of outlet for your sister that could provide her some resources in that way. Just finding safe spaces for people who might be able to help find other living alternatives. 'Cause it's either that or you gotta ride this shit out until you leave and nobody wants to ride this shit out. You can't even leave if somebody's taking your fucking money. - Right, I hate an abusive parent. Like when I tell you, I would like to line them all up and cut them off at the ankles. I'm over it because it's such a nasty, controlling way of being with such innocent creatures. Like I don't know how you look at your child and think that you want to be nasty to them. Like having one, there's nothing in my spirit that wants to look at her and break her. - Right. - And I'd be wanting to break people who want to break people. - Well, that's a beautiful way of thinking about parenting. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents who don't. But do you think that your feelings about that got stronger after you had no idea that you got hell here? I don't want no kids. Nobody expected me to be-- - Jay, Jay, Jay, what? I just meant like, did you, do you think like this sort of, oh, these abusive parents and like that level of anger? Do you think that intensified for you after you had your own child and you realized how crazy it would be to treat up a defenseless human this way? - Let's be clear, I was born of vigilante. So I don't like bullying of any kind. - Right, right, right. - And I'm very good about bullying a bully. And also, yes, it did grow after motherhood because there are moments where those little people will piss you the fuck off. They will piss you off. And also when you respond to them in a certain way and you just see their whole little world crack, there's nothing that makes me want to go deeper with that. I don't want to create that feeling again. I want you to learn. [BLANK_AUDIO]
you know, sometimes shit is not gonna be sweet. - Right. - But also, I don't want to break you. - Right. - And parents that try to break their kids, deserve awful, horrible things. - Yeah. - I'm really sorry, blessing, because this is something that doesn't have a clear cut, easy answer. I think probably. Can she live with you even though you're in med school? - I'm wondering, maybe there's some resources that you can get as well. And I'm, and listen, I can't you just take it anyway? - Like that's tough, right? Because blessing also, she's in a different space as well, and she shouldn't have to take it. - Oh, she's out of state. - Oh, she's at, yeah. - It's probably not gonna be that easy. - There you go. - Yeah. - I think it's finding the resources locally and finding some safe spaces locally and starting there to see what options and what alternatives could be available. - And I would just emphasize with your sister that this is not her fault. You were also abused. I don't know how much of that she remembers or sees clearly, but I would just really try to be as precise in my language as possible with her that like, I understand it's just trash. I went through the same thing. - You know what I, you know what I tell you? - She's a dream of mine. - Yeah. I want to dress up in all black. - Oh God. - With a shasty. - Okay. - And I'd like to climb into the windows. - Yeah. - Of awful men every night and pinch their dicks in their sleep. - Love that. - Just for the a draw. - That's all. - Okay, I thought it was gonna be way worse. - I mean, there's more. - Well, no, no, no, I don't actually. - Did you hear about that girl who somebody broke into her house in the middle of the night wearing a mask? - She shot him in the head. - She shot him in real life. - There was her ex. - Yeah. - What were you coming in to do, brother? - You broke in my fucking house. - In the middle of the night wearing a mask? - Yeah. - You say A, I'm glad she say. - Yes, thank God, thank God. - But I get it. - What was your plan, right? - He came through her window. - I don't know what it was. - But you broke in my house. - Yes. - You came here to do something, right? And you didn't want your identity known. - I am. - With a shasty. Don't come to my door with a shasty one, period. Don't do that. - I also, I'm trying to figure out a delicate way to say this. I think as somebody with the education that I have, I would be trying to convey to her that like, you should not have to do this, but try to stay out that man's way. Like whatever you can do to avoid. - Until you can get away with it. - Him and this, right. 'Cause the day you graduate from high school, you can leave. Like the day you turn 18, you never have to have nothing to do with him again. And so, you know, once you go off to college, that can be the last time you see that man, if that's what you want. So, what can we do since we cannot control him and, you know, there probably are no other safe homes or safe relatives for you to go off to. What can we do to try to keep you as healthy and intact as possible? But there's a way to say that without making it sound, like it's her fault that this is happening to her and that's the line that's hard to, 'cause it sounds like, well, he need to do this. This, this, so your daddy don't hit you. No, if your daddy wants to hit you, he will. But if you don't have, yeah, if, yes. If he wants to take your money, he will. But as somebody who had an abusive father, I really learned, and of course it wasn't foolproof, 'cause again, if he wants to hit you, he will. But I kind of learned how to walk on eggshells, tiptoe around, stay out his way. Oh yeah, come home, go straight to my home. - Chris' father's also on my list, just in case you know what I'm doing, has been for years. - Yes, oh that one. But you know, it's things like that. - And also setting up a plan. - Try to stay away from him. - Maybe you all can put together a plan for the data she turns 18 figure and not how to get her out the grid. And that's where maybe a school, somebody or other can help. You know, where you like, listen, I'm, you know, this is where I'm to like set up a plan so that when the day comes, it's like, I got these things in motion and fuck you. You know what I mean? - That's if they have a school psychologist, I don't think most schools do, most counselors. - Don't they have a counselor? - But most counselors in high school are more like college counselors. They're trying to get you ready for college. They're trying to prep, yeah. Most of them are not mental health counselors. Most of them are like, you know, maybe you can come, talk about some things like that, but it's not to the level of like a school psychologist. - No, okay. - Most of those people are not there for that. So let's find some resources in your area. - Yeah, but this is, this is a really tough one. My prayers are with you. And your sister, I hope she can make it through this last year with that man and then be free. 'Cause let me tell you there's nothing better than being free from my horrible ass daddy. - I love it, thank God. - Yes, and I love that for you. - Oh man, okay. All right, who's next? - If y'all want me to cut your daddy out though, it's no problem. - Oh yeah, it's just been more J5 dollars, she got you. - I got you. - For free, baby. So be a cameo. The next one. - Hi, Crystal. My mom was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. She's a very ill equipped to deal with this. While some people say I'm a fighter when going through critical illness, my mom is the exact opposite. She always runs from adversity or a challenge, making the easiest choice in the moment rather than the one for the best long term outcome. Always ignoring an issue until the problem becomes so great that it cannot be ignored, et cetera. - Yeah. - This is the exact opposite of my approach, which coupled with what I am now learning is emotional immaturity on her part, led to conflict between us and my teenage and young adult years. I am the youngest child and was often labeled as bossy or the problem child of her three kids. I happen to be an oncologist. - Oh, okay, well. However, I believe the bossy label and the knowing a child's place of it all in black homes makes it difficult for her to accept my advice. - Insane, when you are an oncologist, I was like, "Ah, cancer doctor, please be for real." - Crazy. - Sorry. - I know. - That just overtook me from me, that's the girl. My sisters are nurse. And do you know how often we'll be like, "I have been bleeding to my big toe." Like, "I don't want to go to urgent care. What's the next move?" Anyway, I'm sorry. I've also lived in a different state from the rest of my family for almost a decade due to my medical training. So I think a lot of them still just see me as the youngest child, that's fair. Throughout these years, I felt that I had to be very involved in her care because she has very poor health literacy and oncology is literally my job. The journey has, I'm sorry, that's insane. - It is. - The journey has had ups and downs as expected, but whenever my mom encounters a down point, she gets overwhelmed and just wants to pretend that it doesn't exist. Manifesting is not calling her doctors when she's feeling ill or not going to the emergency room when her vitals are unstable. - Lord. - She also has severe depression related to her diagnosis and lots of family drama, including falling out with my grandmother and a couple of her siblings over the last few years. I've tried many times to get her mental health assistance, but she doesn't want people all in her business and continues to isolate herself as a result. She'll often call to have me explain what's going on with her illness because she won't ask her medical team or in times of crisis. Wait, so she, okay. I would review her labs and vitals every week. Listen to her talk about how she's not feeling good, advise her where she could do to feel better, then have the same conversation next week because she didn't follow the advice. This would cause me a great deal of stress on top of my already stressful job. I eventually told myself I would stop checking her chart every week from my own sanity, but I found a mistake in one of her prescriptions that had gone unnoticed for months, as well as signs that her cancer was progressing before her team mentioned it. So then I felt like I had to keep one top of things again to be the best advocate. Most recently she had to start a new treatment which is working. However, she's having side effects which are worse than by the fact that she won't do what we suggested to help. A few weeks after the start of the treatment, my brother, her medical team, and I had a long talk with her about how serious things have become, how she has to take a more active role in her care and accept the help we're offering. She used to say she wants to do things her way, but she agreed that she needed help and wanted to do better. I spent time reviewing all her medications with her arranged multiple home health services and made appointments for mental health support like we discussed. Yesterday I learned from my brother that she's been doing things to actively sabotage these efforts. This includes refusing follow up for services, smoking, not taking her meds. This morning she says that she's done with everything and that she's tired of people telling her what to do and refuses to go to any more appointments. She won't answer any calls from friends or family or talk to my brother who lives with her. After a long reflection throughout this whole process, I finally accepted that I can't care more than she does. Amen. I was like, I can't wait to get to the end but it is so I can tell you. I finally accepted that I can't care for more than she does if she understands the consequences of her actions. Those are her choices to make. I suspect she'll pass away in weeks or months on if she continues to refuse help. And the next few months are very busy for me. We have a family trip for my dad's milestone birthday. I have a trip to France planned with a friend for my birthday and I have a multiple week long shifts in the hospital that I will have to find someone else to cover on top of their busy schedule if I can't make it. My brother's also getting married later this year and it would be the first wedding amongst our kids. I can't help but feel angry that these experiences will either be marred or foregone completely by her passing and that she is in some way making a choice to let this happen by not accepting help. Part of me doesn't want to change any of my plans even if that means missing the funeral or helping my family with the arrangements but I know I wouldn't be able to do that. I can't help wishing that my mom was different, stronger, more resilient. My question is how can I deal with these feelings
be awful if I did indeed, Mr. Funeral, I would like to remember the good and loving parts about my mom, but I'm afraid her decisions at the end of life will affect my memory of her. Thanks, Purell. Oh, Purell. Purell. Well, as you know, my mother was also diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. I suspect that had a lot to do with why you sent this in because my mom, she absolutely was very much so this the same way she acted like this a lot. Now, if I was an oncologist and she wasn't taking my advice, I do think I would have to smack her. I'm not overly oncology. I have to smash her. What do you mean? This is really challenging, right? Well, no, not the uncut. No, that's crazy. No, no, I don't think what. Well, this dynamic, I think, is causing Purell a lot of distress because deep down she still wishes things were different. You have not accepted that this is how your mother is. It sounds like you've accepted it intellectually, but you haven't accepted it in your heart. You haven't made peace with the fact that this is how your mama acts. And that is what is really causing you, I think, a lot of this distress. Y'all have a busy end of the year and, you know, next several months planned out, like most people do, the holidays are right around the corner. And your mama being like, well, fuck it. I'm not going to do none of that. Just let me die. It's tragic. And it's also very narcissistic. Like, you know, your son is getting married. You know, your husband, you know, there's a birthday trip for your husband, or your, you know, your child's father. It sounds like she's resigned. And I had an uncle who actually was sick for years. And he decided, like, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm just, I'm cool on this. And he stopped eating. Yeah. And he just stopped eating. And I think people have the right to make the decisions that they make. They do. And also they have to realize that those decisions absolutely affect all of the people around them that they love. Right. And I don't think she's in the space to do that. So what I would do, if I were you, as I would keep on with life, and I will also have a random conversations with her, have a list of questions you want to ask her that you'll never be able to ask her again. If she is to pass, you know what I mean? You can't change her mind and you can't change her behavior. And you can't change your feelings, but you can maybe shift. So that you are not tainted for the rest of your days with this end of life. And there are no regrets. In that way, you can't regret how she is behaving. Yeah. But you can be more intentional with the way that you move. And maybe that's not through reviewing charts. And maybe that's not through all of this clinical stuff. If she don't want to shit, she don't want to shit. Let her smoke a cigarette, eat a fucking pork chop. Okay. But that's what hospice is for. Yeah. Like if you're gonna resign yourself to it, then fully commit to it because I agree. You can make that choice. People who have been battling with chronic illness for a long time. It's not fair for the rest of us to be like, Oh, well, you should stay here anyway. You should put yourself through all manners of hell so that we don't have to be sad and more than you. That's not fair for us. But it sounds like your mama wants the people wants to be fussed over. She wants your brother to try to talk to her. She wants you to hound her every week about her meds and her chart. And it's like people who are ready to go. Maybe they feel needed in love or maybe they're still wanted. It does something for her to have y'all kind of cluck over her and fuss over her. But it's like, girl, we're doing that because we want you to stay alive. If you don't want to stay alive, then we all need to start trying to support you through the end of your life. Like what is it? What do you really want to do? Listen, again, back to my, I love my kid. Yeah. But I tell her us all the time. I'm not doing this. I'm not wanting this more for you than you want it for yourself. I can't want you to pass eighth grade. I can't want you to do your ballet. I can't want that more than you. So if you resign, this is what you don't want to do. Then you tell me so that I'm not wasting extra money. Yeah. But also know that you got to live with that. Yep. You got to sit with that and your mother has to live with these decisions or not. Right. But I want you to find the peace for yourself. Pure. Because this is giving you agony in your spirit. Yeah. Like her in this stage is also you're not at peace. Right. And you've got to find some peace. I would very much so recommend contacting a therapist to talk, help you talk through this and help you accept the reality of who your mother is internally, you know, in your heart so that it aligns with your mind and what you know, it is not awful. If you miss the funeral, you can love your mother and cherish her and she's the best mom of all time and still skip the funeral because some people simply don't do funerals. There's also that she did yet. She's not dead yet. You never know. But when my grandma died, not only did my aunt not go to the funeral, she didn't go to the grave site. And she didn't for like the next 10 years. My auntie, she just simply could not. She could not and would not do it. And none of us dare judge her for that because we're all different. Like you, if you don't go to the funeral because you don't feel like you can take it. That's absolutely your choice. And if somebody don't like it, they can kiss your ass. Yeah. But I think Jade also gave you some great suggestions for like maximizing the time you have left telling her, I would, I would say to her, you know, my, my brother, your son told me that like you're over it. You're done with appointments and trying to take care of yourself. And you know, you're just kind of ready to let go. And that's cool, girl. Let's play. We're not really strangers. Like I accept that that's your choice, Mama. So like, can we find a hospice care place for you where you can be more comfortable? They can keep you comfortable with meds and things like that. And they, you know, they'll let you smoke. They'll let you drink. They'll let you have a porch. I'm not saying you can just do that all day every day. But when the goal is not for you to get better, but to make you more comfortable as you transition. And I get it. Because if I'm at the end of my life, right? If I'm not doing well, nigga, I'm smoking. I'm drinking. If this is it, then actually, let's go ahead and make me one of them Luther Barger's. You remember them from like, yes, with the doughnut, don't get me in Brigadier. He said, he said when he gets to a certain point in life where he's about to go, he's smoking crack. So he said, you might as well try it. You might, why not? Why not? I don't know, crack stinks. It's like physically nasty. But the rest is like, it's pure. I would figure out, I would figure out how it is that you want to feel. And I would be intentional with that. Yeah. Your mom, you can't be more intentional with your mother's moves. But I would be more intentional with the information I would like to take away from this. And try your best with that. That's what I would say. But if you say this to her, like, mommy, I've heard that you've accepted things and you're ready to die. And that breaks my heart. But I respect that that's your choice. And she wows out. She's like, so you're just gonna let me die. No, girl. You're just gonna let me die. That's manipulation. Right. And that's a different. That's a different conversation. That's how you can tell the difference between whether she's just acting in a selfish or narcissistic way versus, you know, she's just tired of fighting and is ready to let go. So I hope this helps. And if it helps, you said something about like, you don't, you want to remember the good things about her and you're afraid that the way she's acting now will like, taint your, your memory of her. I would chop this up to being older, being very, very sick, having an illness that is terminal or it, it sounds like it doesn't have to be, but it might be. And so people don't always behave in the most rational way. Like, mama, there's some kind of dementia that's, you know, she has like, good days and bad days, basically. And she, you know, she's living with my brother and my sister in law and my sister in law. And sometimes we'd be like, mama today was trying to be a piece of work. I'm like, I know she is, but, you know, people who are, this is again, why I bring up hospice, these trained nurses have a lot more patience to deal with people who are struggling in these ways at the end of their lives and the rest of the rest of us do. Yeah. Same way every friend talking to a friend is not like talking to a therapist, taking care of your elderly mother is not the same as doctors and nurses taking care of your elderly mother. Yeah. They have a different understanding, even as an unconscious, because you still even ask not, it's not your patient, right? And it's still your mother. Yeah. So you're going to have a connection to her that other doctors and nurses won't. And again, that's a whole team. That's everybody. So do your best, but accept what is outside of your control. And maybe you should stop being an oncologist. No, I'm glad they got the chart together and saw all of those kind of things. And I think that's where our gift should come in handy. The fuck is wrong with me? Can you be rolling on myself? Like, I love this conversation. I know. That's so weird. I know. Purell, I just may just step outside of the oncology part of it. She's a daughter. Yeah. In the best way that feels good for your spirit. Yeah. That's it. Yep. And if she's stubborn after that, that's not on you. Because my mama demonstrates a lot of these same behaviors, but she has not said, oh, I just
give up. Yeah, I'm not doing nothing else. Like, when my brother put his foot down and was like, you cannot live alone no more, you are moving to Texas. She was like, okay. She said I'm going to move there and make your life a living hell. Today, mom was a pickle. Mama didn't want me to wipe her or nothing and then my mom in the background just hollering. I think I'm going to shit on myself. You know, I aspire. Puro, we're sending you a lot of love through a really challenging time of life and something that you shouldn't have to go through, but you know, this is where we at. All right, Jade. I think we got time for one more. Okay. I'm going to go ahead and just call this person Ashley. Amen. They put Ashley and I'm going to put Ashley because as we said before, the Ashley's are going extinct. They are. Yeah, they are. They are. So let's, let's embrace the Ashley's of this work. I would say they'll start naming their children Ashley again in like, another 20, 30 years, but there won't be no earth because your mothers won't stop using chat GPT, including mine to make me go. Okay. They're like, oh, and out the hotel. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. Watch this be so horrible. Right. The saddest letter. The worst transitions. You know that right? You have you figured that out? Good time. We do. We have a good time when we come in. We'd be like, dear crystal. My dog died. All right. Dear crystal. Oh, I forgot. Damn. Okay. Nobody's saying that. Nobody wrote down here. Oh, I know. You're sensitive to this. My name is three months. I know. She's not going to get you. She's fine. She just went to the very yesterday. She's great. Exactly. She's in her peak of health. All right, Ashley. Dear crystal. I absolutely love you and your new podcast. I'm hoping that you will make time and space for me as a white listener with a dating. Love that. I'm sorry. I'm tickled. Oh, ready. They were like, I'm sorry. Will you answer my question with a dating conundrum that I do not hear any white women talk about? Okay. I grew up in the inner city with very few white people. There was eight white people in my high school. It's six of them were exchange students. Exactly. Meaning only two American whites. She's so big. I was like, this is such a fascinating conversation. Love this. I've almost exclusively dated black men, but I'm open to dating other ethnicities. Just not to white men for obvious reasons. The men that I dated in the past did not exclusive wait, hold on now, hold on. You not open to dating white men? I have almost exclusively dated black men, but I'm open to dating other ethnicities. Just not white men for obvious reasons. Okay. I mean, I guess they're obvious, but that's your own race. I was like, I know. Okay. All right. That's dangerous, man. It's the one in the world. In the world, if we're being honest, right? The men that I dated in the past did not exclusively date white women, but now I'm single again after a 20 year relationship. And these guys I hear seem weird. They are. They are. I have a biracial daughter and I would like to end up with a black man because I cannot picture myself raising a black woman without a black man. Non-black people do not understand the issues that black women face. Okay. And it is important to me that a potential stepfather can relate to her. I also want to give my daughter a healthy example of a loving black man because the only black man that she's ever witnessed loved me was physically and emotionally abusive. I am the cliche example of my, I'm the cliche example of my daughter saved my life. Okay. If it wasn't for her, I would have been putting up with abuse for a lot longer. That's a lot of parents. Now that I'm dating again, I keep matching with self-hating weirdos that only want me because they have issues with black women or men who will not date me seriously because I am white. Sorry. No, why would you laugh like that? Sorry. Could you supposed to be the mentor? No, you're right. No, you're right. But that's funny because it really is only two kinds. I have so many things I want to show by the way. They either hate black women and they think non-black women are better or they only go play around with you and then never take you seriously because you're white. And I, that's the J.C. Anyway, I am here for black love. Yes. You're not black. We love it. And I hope that one day my daughter will find it. But it seems like healthy black men who love themselves are not dating white women. When I was younger, it just seemed like everybody was dating everyone and interracial dating was not about anti-blackness. It was just young men being horny and willing to stick their dick and anyone that would give them the chance. Yeah, you get it. I do not fetishize black men. Okay, thank you sister because I was, I just relate and admire them in a way that I don't with white men. Most white men that I meet are very comfortable saying racist things to me before they realize who I am. Yeah. They think that they are in a safe white space because I look like them. Yeah, I'm also noticing that a lot of white women that date black men have no issue dating black men that hate black women. Very good girl because they subscribe to the idea. I was, I was, you know, I had to keep going. I had to keep going. I was over here like, okay, because they subscribe to the idea that they are superior to black women. I have respect and admiration for black women. And I have had to argue with multiple black men who have expressed these kinds of sentiments to me. I've had friends try to suggest that I should insert myself in black spaces to find what I'm looking for, but I am not willing to do that for obvious reasons. Good girl. All right. Are you on the right path? Yeah. The last guy that I dated for several months eventually ended things because he said he could not be with the white woman long term. This absolutely broke my heart. And the fucked up part about it is that I totally understood his position. I truly understand as a black man why you wouldn't want to date a white woman. My problem was not that he wouldn't date me because I was white, but because he was dating me in the first place and wasting my time. Yeah. So once again, the men I want today are willing to fuck me, but not willing to take me seriously. Still the idea of having a date white men makes me sick to my stomach. I'm sorry. Jay was like, scum, wearing my toes. Alpha alpha. Do you think that all black men who are willing to date with date white women are self-hating and fetishized white women? Should I start dating white men or exploring other ethnicities? Do you think I should be raising my daughter with anyone other than a black man? She's already has a white mom, like it's bad enough. She began to joke. Oh, is it the mostly white private school? Oh, that's where we got to have a conversation. And we are in the suburbs now. So there are less black people here. She does run track. So that's where she gets most of her interaction with black people. Actually, actually, girl, you're giving me a fucking headache. He sucks though. It does not bring her around his side of her family very much. Damn. My daughter also has insecurities about looking adopted. Kids at all at all the school she's been to are confused when they see me and it makes her feel self-conscious. She's going through a phase where she's embarrassed to have a white mom, but we're very close so she was comfortable telling me this and we're working through it. Good. To be clear, I love myself for who I am. I just want to find somebody who can also love me, but these circumstances have sent me into a deep long-term depression. I feel unlovable and like I will end up alone. Please help. Thanks again, Ashley. Oh, Ashley. You're definitely not unlovable at all. It sounds like if every white mother of a biracial child had this attitude, we would live in a very different country, right? Joke wouldn't be to run and joke, and we wouldn't. But yikes. I appreciate your awareness and intention or what you're trying to do. I think just maybe you had the circumstances. Well, I mean, Ashley, the thing is, you are white. So it's not crazy for you to be with a white man. It's not. I think your daughter can still be black. You said you can't picture yourself raising a black daughter without a black father, but you're doing it. You're kind of going to have to. Especially since her daddy is a shithead, the fact that her only access to black people is tracked because he won't take her around his family. Because I was like, when I read that and I was like, I think that's a little racist, Ashley. I mean, have you ran track? I didn't run track. I ran the four by one and the four by two. Doesn't make it. There's something great. Well, that's the thing about stereotypes. They be true. A lot of that. Ashley, I think your intentions are in a wonderful place. I agree. And also, yeah, you wait. And you you can explore all kinds. I think I think trying to exclusively pursue. You say you're not fetishizing, but at a certain extent that becomes fetishizing. It's the fact that it just does. It sounds like, again, you kind of know that you should be open to and even, you know, it's not just black and white in this world. You can date other ethnicists. Yeah, she said it. But it sounds like you grew up in like a mostly black neighborhood, went to mostly black schools. So it makes sense that you're attracted to black men. They kind of have maybe been the ones who were there when you were developing attraction and sexual interest and things like that. So there's nothing wrong with being attracted to them. However, it's the closing yourself.
to everybody else that I think is maybe a problem. Like, no, all black men who are willing to date white women are not self-hating or fetishizers. But there's way more of those than the ones who are healthy, right? So when you're talking about raising your daughter in a house with a black man, what kind of black man is it? Like, that is also a very wavy question. And it means something. And you've had 20 years with the wrong type of man. So you certainly don't want to go down that road again. It's not, you know, I just need somebody here, somebody black so that my black daughter isn't alone. Like, it's not that. It needs to be the right partner. It needs to be the right stepdad. But like she said, I either run into people who hate black women or who are only going to fuck around with me and never take me seriously because I'm white. And that is the majority of them. Most of them are going to fall into one of those two categories. Listen, my husband the other day was like, oh, I think such and such hates men. And I said, your wife hates men. What do you mean? You can start right here. I'm like, if you line up 10 of these niggas right here, eight and a half of them are terrible. Wow. You know, and so like it's okay. Your daughter can still witness you being loved by somebody else and know that you at least accounted for your own words. And I was just talking about this on getting grown. I don't know when this is coming out. So sometime in the past. But, you know, me and Kia were playing a game. And one of the questions was, have you ever been in love? And she was like, well, I don't think I actually have been. And I said, oh, I've been in love so many times. Because I'm in love with all of the people that I am intentionally in relationship with. Mitch, don't. You are. Well, okay, sure. But I'm in love with you. Yes, see? Right. And the pause. That was over. That's the whole thing. She's a hippie, but she's a halter. I am. She's both. You know, duality, quadrality. But I have been in love so many times. And I think also maybe you're placing a lot of emphasis on romantic love. You can get your daughter, black community, and black support in other spaces other than being with a man. And it can be from girlfriends, from people that she sees have people love them right. If she sees you porn into yourself, she's going to pay more attention to that than, ooh, my mom dated this black man, and we are now this family. Like, that's not it right there. And so I think you might need to shift to that. Sorry. No, no, no, I think that's a great point. Because her dad, who should be the one responsible for making sure that she grows up with a healthy sense of black identity and all that, is absolutely dropping the ball in that area. Well, this is where I said, a black man in the house with or what does not necessarily mean. Exactly. Say it loud. I'm black and I'm proud. That's why it should be. Yeah. Because I have a biracial nephew. Do you think he doesn't know about his blackness? Do you think he's even remotely confused about it? At all. Not even a little bit. He is so locked in with both sides of his family. The Mexican, American, and the black American side. That is just, no, there's just no way. Like he costs, he costs his little child. I'm a black man. I know, okay. That's right, baby. Cool. But I think because, y'all, I'm not going to say pull in the co-hander Jones and take her out of this private school and put her in the-- I'm so tired of that fuss. Innerskitty. Innerskitty. You know, I'm not saying to do that. But I would let her have the freedom to go do black things. Like if she got black friends on the track team or whatever, then let her hang out. Meet the parents. Let her go over to their houses if you feel like that. It's a safe thing. Like let her have as much black community as she can since her dad, who should be doing this, is absolutely not. And you know, is his family as awful as he is? Can you reach out to, like, normally the grandma is the one. Can you reach out to them and be like, hey, you know, Ashley Jr. would love to come, meet her cousins or something. Like is there something you can do to facilitate more community with other black people in that regard? As far as like-- That's not romantic. Right. But your daughter doesn't necessarily need a man in the home. She needs healthy people who have her best interests at heart in the home. That's it. So, but for you, you know, there's also a component here that isn't really about your daughter. That's about you because you feel lonely. You feel sad because of the relationships that you've had. You feel unlovable and that you'll end up alone. And in that regard, it's fine to want that, you know? It's fine to want romantic partnership. It just can't come at the cost of everything else. Yeah. Absolutely. And that's why I say that extending your range of like who you're open to is going to be best here. But also, like you said, when you talk to white men, they say something racist almost immediately because they think they're in a safe space. So you're going to have to-- some of this is boiling down to you have to sift through the garbage like every other straight woman does. Yeah. It's very few straight women are having an easy, great time out here with dating. It is hard for the girls who are exclusively attracted to men because they are not great people, baby. This Cornell 7 case alone, anyway. Oh, my god. Don't get me started. Oh, you mean the boys? The boys? No, I mean those grown men who set up a group chat to come sexually assault that girl. Did you see that mother fucking lady up there talking about-- I'm talking about she let the New York state ketamine. And it's a cool, I said bitch choke on seven days. Are you serious right now? Yeah, I did see that. I was so fucking disgusted. Oh, I wanted to throw up. But I'm watching the view no way. I had to see it. No, I said, yeah, you fucking TikTok. I was I rate. But yeah, some of this is no. And what I think might help is that when you reach out to other women just to vent about dating, like this is a very comic complaint because most of these men are not great partners. It takes a lot to find one that you can deal with. And you have that added layer of like a lot of white women can excuse racism. And you can't. Which good. Which is great. But it's going to make it even harder for you to find a partner. Because I think actually I think you got to start sitting with yourself for a little bit. Sitting with yourself, finding some community for your baby girl, I'm really more concerned about this private school aspect with all these white kids in there. But that's another conversation. Yeah, because it's not as simple as, well, just move out of the suburbs. We don't just put her in a different school. It's not that simple. But that's why I said, let's increase the black community where we can. Yeah. And make sure that it's good, healthy, solid black community that really holds her in the way that she needs to be held. And doesn't create extra complexes. Because she's already going to have something. It's just-- I mean, she said she was embarrassed to have a white mother. That must be really hard. Like, I mean, I laughed because you worded it funny. But-- You did. I mean, I'm sorry. But at the same time, that's a real thing for this little girl, too. And also, kudos to you for creating a space where she feels comfortable enough to say that. And you all can talk through it. Because I think even as a parent, I would rather you feel embarrassed. If I were a white woman, I think I would rather you feel embarrassed for having a white mother, than feel embarrassed for being black. Like, I don't want you to feel that way about you. There's nothing wrong with you. I don't want you to feel like your blackness or you being biracial is a problem. There's nothing wrong with that. Your daddy being an asshole is not about his color. A lot of men are assholes. A lot of people are fucking assholes. And so you're looking for a very specific person. And it's not impossible, but it will be challenging. And Ashley, my child thought I was white until she was eight. And still trolls, how about calling her white? Yeah. And you know, maybe in 20 years, she's going to be on Shandong Sharpe Show. And he's going to say, are you biracial? That's why your mother is white. And I'm going to come through the door like the Kool-Aid man. You're going to be like, hey, no good. My mother is no white. And black American women are white. I'm never going to say that. And I'm going to make my own music in the woods anyway. But I do hope this helped you have any other advice. No, Ashley, you got-- I hope you have some home girls and some sisters. Some aunties. aunties make the world go around. Village makes the world go around. Indeed. Your baby needs village and so do you. You know, that's an excellent point. You said you grew up in the inner city. You've always been attracted to black men. I saw most of your friends were black women. Happened to your black women friends here and just explained to them that you're struggling with providing the best atmosphere or environment for your daughter. You don't want to be one of those white women who fucks this up. You want her to have a solid sense of self and to feel strong and confident in who she is. And so like-- I don't even-- I'm trying to think-- Maybe also some family therapists, like a black family therapist. Oh, yes. That might be helpful. A black family? That's a great idea. Say space for them to sit down and talk through all of the things. I love that. That might be really cool. But I'm also thinking of black social things. Like-- They don't go skating no more. They don't go skating no more. And the church can be real-- They don't go church like they don't want. And some churches are preaching a message. I would not want my child to internalize. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. But yeah, just doing the things you can here.
and understanding that this is going to be hard. However, the right person will be worth it. - Absolutely. - It is worth it to wait for the right one, then to settle for somebody who's just gonna break your heart and further them in your child, who is already gonna have issues from her raggedy-ass trifling absent father. - Now that nigga we can talk about in different composition. (laughing) - Stop making babies with white women and then leaving those white women to figure it out by themselves. Your black ass needs to take care of your black child. Pick that baby up and bring them around. They black ass family. - You can't make sense out of nonsense. You talking to the wrong audience. - But I'm just saying, like that frustrates the hell out of me 'cause Ashley not the only one? - No, she not. - Take care of your black kids. - I think this, yes. - You know what, no, fuck that nigga. Anyway, Ashley, God bless your baby. - Best of luck, yes. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Thank you so much for writing in. I do appreciate it. She's like, please read this even though I'm white. - She, that was so funny. - I was like, not hurt sheepishly coming into the room. (laughing) - Excuse me girls, I do have a question. - You got two black aunties here. - Yes, I'll take all Ashley Jr. - Best of luck and that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal Scotch. Thank you again, Jay, for coming through. She'll be right back for so many more episodes. - You'll see what this best. (laughing) - Exactly the same outfits coming to you next week. (laughing) - There you have a question for me. You can send me an email,
[email protected]. Find us on social media @crisiscotch. And thank you so much as always for listening. We will see y'all next week.
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