Session 45: Calling Crissle

Hi, and welcome back to Crystal's Couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. This week, we are back with the live callers, one of my favorite kind of episodes to do. So let's not delay. Let's jump right on in. Hi. Hi. Who am I talking to? My name is Asia. Hi, Asia. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm great. Thank you. What's going on? So this year, I've been friends with two people. They're a couple. We've been friends since before they were a couple. We've been friends for about 10 years. This year, I made them both birthday gifts, like very much the kind of gifts that say, like, I see you. I know what you like. I listen to you. Very relevant to their lives and experiences. And for my birthday, on the day of my birthday, I planned a dinner that I let them have. I let them know of my birthday was August 19th. The first time I let them know about the dinner was the 10th. And then the official invitation went out four days before I texted our group chat. I only invited these two because one of them knows that explicitly. I told them that they're kind of the only two people that I hang out with right now. So for the day comes, I'm doing my birthday stuff. I push the dinner. I push the dinner back an hour because I'm like, oh, well, I know they're probably still at work. You know, we all may need some more time. So I push the dinner back and I texted the group chat that I was pushing it back. And that's when I got not even as I sent the text, not even when I sent the text, it was about an hour before everybody was supposed to be showing up for dinner. I got texts from both of them saying that, hey, like, we're not going to be able to come. Like, we have to. We have to budget different texts from different both of them, different texts. So they were both kind of like, yeah, I can't do it right now. Like, I have to budget. And so I kind of was just like, OK. And I was going to go to the dinner. I went by myself and I was actually turned away from the restaurant because the deal was that you were supposed to be able to eat there for free on your birthday and everywhere I looked online, everyone was saying that you can pull up by yourself on your birthday and they will let you eat for free. I got there and the restaurant, they, the restaurants in Chinatown, they look, you took one look at me and they're like, yeah, no, go away. And so I was like, oh, OK, well, I kind of had my own little blow up situation in the restaurant because they was not about to play my face. I left the restaurant and I was still like really like on 10. And I was I was riding my bike around the city and I kind of I pulled over to the side of the road and I got out my voice messages and I kind of let both of these friends have it. Like I sent multiple voicemails or voice messages of me just being like, you know, I think it's kind of crazy how, you know, you guys are always going to restaurants, always going to dinner, always going to bars, always buying new decor pieces for your apartment because these are both very, you know, these are both gainfully employed people. And it's not even like they're like, you know, hourly wage like types that like like they have job jobs. And so I'm like, when it comes to my day, all of a sudden, though, like now everybody needs to budget. Now we don't have the money. I just think that that's really, really funny. And, you know, I just a lot of things in that vein, like just just like really just giving them a piece of my mind, letting them know how I felt. I also brought up. I love how multiple times over this summer, you know, my time had just been disregarded in our friendship, like like we were supposed to go to Soul Summit. We made plans to pull up at three or four and we didn't get there until five because they had to go to Ikea in the morning all of a sudden or like when we're supposed to go to the beach. And I find out the day before we're supposed to be at the beach that they need to leave at, you know, six because they have dinner plans. And nobody told me about that kind of stuff. So. So I think those I woke up the next morning and they had, you know, left me a bunch of text messages about, you know, we're so sorry, but we need you to call us because we can't we can't, you know, express how we how we feel over the phone. We can't express, you know, we can't really tell you how sorry we are. We can't really hear like, you know, how we feel. I talked to my therapist about it because I actually had therapy the day after my birthday about it. And then I got on the phone with them. And it was kind of just like, oh, we're really sorry. Like, we didn't mean to we didn't intentionally, you know, want to ruin your birthday or anything. And and I told them, I was like, I know you did not intentionally ruin my birthday, but it's that's the point, like that you did not intentionally ruin my birthday. But the point is that you ruined it, period. Right. Like, like, I just don't think that's that's something that anybody's quote unquote friends would do intentionally. But like, you didn't have the thought enough to just like, be like, okay, well, this is my friend's birthday. Like some things I just have to suck it up, especially because like, you know, we don't give gifts to get gifts, but we do give gifts to, you know, and maybe kind of express some type of any type of reciprocity, especially within a 10 year friendship. And so I did also expand the picture and told them about how I felt about things like about them not being considerate of my time. And their excuses essentially were, well, we had bad days, we both had a bad day yesterday. And so we just didn't essentially didn't feel like it because we have bad days. We have to pay rent in two weeks. And that we didn't see your text message about the invitation for four days, because I sent it on Sunday, my birthday was on that Wednesday. And all those excuses are just kind of piss poor to me. And none of them. I'm accepting. And, you know, their whole thing was basically like, well, we work like, it really felt like they were saying, well, well, we have jobs and you don't. And our time is, you know, more valuable than yours. That's just how it felt to me. Because they were saying, like, they kept saying over and over, well, we have jobs, we have jobs, we work, we work. And I'm like, honey, I know you work. Like, I am unemployed. Like, and and one of them kind of, he tried to. Began to lecture me about finances and I had I stopped him like dead in his tracks because I am unemployed, like and I survive essentially off of like that cash assistance and sex work. And so and he knows this. And so it kind of gave like, why are you why are you talking to me about finances? Like, I make it work less with less than you. And I've gone out with y'all and I've spent my last not to say that y'all, you know, haven't covered me and stuff. But like, I needed you to be there for me. And I'm always there. I'm always there for you. And then they tried to bring up that, you know, they let me live with them for about half a year. And I was like, I was like, I'm gonna stop you again, because that has nothing to do with this situation. I've done everything just about, you know, aside from get on my knees and kiss your feet to say thank you for that. And so with all of this, I'm just kind of feeling like I am still not being considered because I just had to cut that conversation off because the only thing that they had to say to me was, well, we work and we have jobs. We work and we have jobs when it's like, yeah, I know that I planned the dinner around when you guys get got out of work. I pushed it back an hour so that you guys could come out of work. I'm constantly asking, when do you guys not have to go to work? When do you guys have time off? When are you guys able to hang out? Because I know y'all are busy. And so I really just kind of cut the conversation because that's all they had to say. And I did. I did just stop and say, we might we'll just have to pick this up at a different time because I don't want to hear that shit. And I did. That's where I kind of left it. The next day, I got a text message from one of them who I'm immediately closer with. The one I'm not closer with the whole time we're on the phone. He's kind of had this whole disgusted look on his face almost that I had the audacity to tell them about how I felt. Yeah. And then the next day, I got a text message from the one that I'm kind of closer with. And he was kind of just blaming it on his ADHD and that. He had a lot going on at work and and that I mean, on the phone, they were saying that I needed to call them to make plans instead of texting them because they didn't see my text for four days, which to me is just crazy. And but they didn't see my text for four days and that I need to call them. And I told them, I said, well, you we we made the plans. For example, we made the beach plans on the phone. Nobody told me I had to go to dinner. We made the soul summit plans on the phone. And y'all still did not stick to the schedule that we talked about on the phone. And y'all are asking me to do extra and y'all like y'all asking to do more. I think we need to do more to get on your schedule. All I do is make sure that I'm on your schedule and that I can hang out with you and do things on your schedule. But you can't do as much as see and respond to my text message in four days when you know my birthday is coming up. So my question really is like, I don't think that I want to continue the friendship and you know, he kind of ended it saying like, don't let 10 years of friendship go down the drain, behind one mistake but I'm like babe this is this was this is the whole out of the whole year this is my one day that is really like I get to make a big stink about me yeah and so I guess my question really is like am I overreacting to just say that I don't really want this friendship anymore or at least not in the capacity that it has been for essentially the past 10 years well I I don't know that framing it as overreacting is really what's most useful this was about a month ago have you talked to them yeah regularly since the one that you're closer to anyway uh no since I since I responded to uh his message saying like you know you guys are asking me to do more you can't do as much as see and respond to a text report if they haven't they haven't they never responded to that and they haven't messaged me no okay um yeah I don't I don't really think overreaction is what it is your feelings are really really hurt and that would make sense even if you had like a really big loving solid family and a million friends to have people that you're close with just kind of blow you off on your birthday like you said it's the one day where it's like bitch the day is actually about me and a birthday dinner is the one thing I will not flake on like I have to be close to death to skip out on somebody's birthday dinner just because it is that one day you know like um and I'm not even a big birthday person I'm really not I'm not one of those people who like makes their birthday all about you know I it's not like some huge deal for me but I am and you know what you don't that's what I'm saying is that like you can be and that's fine but even if you're not it's still your fucking birthday and you would think like yeah I mean I'm sure you are tired or stressed or maybe you had a bad day at work but you aren't well I'm not asking you to come you know build houses for Habitat for Humanity with me like I'm asking you to come sit down order a couple of drinks eat your fucking chicken and go home so I think I think your feelings more than anything your feelings are really really hurt by this um which is understandable maybe I can see how you are looking at this like maybe we just shouldn't be friends anymore I wouldn't necessarily verbalize that um I think it's okay to just sit with that feeling but I also think you know as somebody from the outside looking in that this is something that can likely be repaired or worked through um with with time and understanding I don't think it necessarily has to mean the end of the friendship but you brought up some things that are concerning as far as like you know a sense of reciprocity here or like genuine care for one another like the whole well we don't see text messages call us like okay that could be valid for some people maybe even a lot of people but that kind of goes out the window when we make plans over the phone and you still flake or you know you got something else lined up where you just don't feel like you're a priority in this friendship it sounds like you feel like you care more for them than they care for you and so when we take all of this into account the fact that you are unemployed which is a huge thing for you and I think it's a huge thing for you and I think it's a huge thing I mean massive stressor cannot really even overstate how much stress that is um and you know just kind of scraping things together to survive and the general loneliness of this time and place and and this society and you know these being the only two people you really hang out with on a regular basis it makes sense to me that this hurts you this deeply it does I get it yeah yeah I'm really really hurt behind it and I think that's the the biggest piece is that they're kind of not acknowledging like like I would like when I left those voice messages I wasn't just like talking like I was screaming crying throwing up like oh no okay yeah and and the intensity of that is not something that seems to really register with them no not not it not really like they kind of apologize for it and just expect me to be like oh well okay well it's fine we can you know but but like just I because I don't get very I don't really get like that like yeah where I was I had to pull over and get a bottle of water like I was hyperventilating okay so this is not like a normal way for you to behave no okay well I ask because sometimes if we react in uh big ways I don't want to say dramatic because that sounds like it's unfounded when a lot of times it is founded but if we do that a lot sometimes people become desensitized to it so it doesn't really register to them how much pain we're in but again that's something else that you say that it's like it could be this but then when we look at your history or the pattern of your relationship it's just looking like yeah there's a real lack of consideration for how much that would hurt your feelings and so what I would recommend or or suggest in this situation is to take a little more time to yourself maybe keep talking to your therapist about it keep you know if you're journaling or anything like that keep doing that and then when you're ready I would reach out to the one that you're closer to and just try to have a conversation about like hey I know we haven't really been talking much I was really really hurt by you guys skipping out on my birthday dinner and it just doesn't feel like that is being taken to into consideration or it doesn't feel like that's something that you really care about that that from there because listen again like me you don't have to be a big birthday person to understand why somebody would be hurt by their close friends skipping their birthday dinner like you are not that is not crazy that is not outrageous this is a very normal thing to be hurt by and I think most people would be hurt by so if they can't if he can't understand that at the bare minimum then maybe it is like okay this friendship has run its course because how you don't get that yeah and that's the one that I would recommend to you is to take a little more time to yourself and I explicitly told like hey you guys are kind of the only two people that I hang out with right now and so it's like it's like dude were you not listening to me did that go in one ear and out the other right right yeah were you listening do you give it right and I do think I definitely need some more time I think I've been kind of waiting for them to reach out to me again um but it's kind of seeming like that's not gonna happen well let me ask you this in your in your heart of hearts what do you think this friendship could look like moving forward or or or should look like moving forward if it were to move forward that's a good question I don't think I've really thought about that because I have been saying it probably can't be in the same like capacity that it's been which is like me really like you know being over like these are friends that I just go over we watch movies we could get together stuff like that yeah I think that's a good question I think that's a good question I think that's a good question so I haven't really thought about that yeah well it's it's something for you to consider because it's not again I want to make sure that I'm honoring your hurt feelings here I completely understand and I would be hurt too um but it can be hard to to develop that kind of intimacy with friends and so if it can be saved I think it's worth the effort but again I do think most of that falls on them to be like you know what yeah we skipped out on your friendship and if it was about budget concerns and oh we're spending too much money and all this then I just I don't know I know they said they didn't see the text for four days but then I don't know it just doesn't something about that is not feeling all the way right to me um right I mean because it's her it's your birthday dinner you don't have a birthday every week like right you're gonna spend the spend the fucking hundred dollars on that and then you're gonna at my birthday dinner and cut back another time like this would just be the absolute last time that I would be like oh you know what I really do need to be cutting back and looking at what I'm spending like your birthday dinner is not when I'm gonna pull that move so and I even I told him that I said that you know of all times that you know if of all times that you could drop the ball like my birthday really is not it it's really not it's really not I said you didn't even have to come to the restaurant and ball out like I'm going only I'm only going because I can eat for free and like you could have pulled up got an appetizer that's you know at most 10-15 bucks you could have got a drink girl like yeah yeah this is what I'm saying it just doesn't it maybe it's a couple thing maybe it's you know well but you've known them for so long that that's probably not it so yeah I think take some some additional time to yourself really think about what you would want this friendship to even look like if it if it moved forward and then maybe try to have a conversation from there but sometimes we really do just come to the end of the row with people and and that is okay too I mean it hurts it for sure it stings but I don't know sometimes it just cannot be saved yeah yeah I'll definitely think about if I do want to move forward and how that looks yeah because that's gonna take a while I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know it's gonna take a lot of thought and I feel like effort from both of our sides yep I agree And, you know, sometimes it we sometimes it's best to just downgrade somebody in our mind like, OK, we're not these BFF kind of just bosom buddy closest, closest friends that I thought we were. But again, that can also be painful. So I hope you just take some time to yourself to really parse through how you're feeling and settle on something that you think feels right to you, that honors the way you feel and also honors, you know, the fact that these are your friends and they are human. We all fuck up at some times and it's about how we react to that. Yeah. Thank you so much, Asia, for calling into the show today. Best of luck to you. Thank you so much. Take care. Thanks. You too. Bye bye. Oh, man. Friends. I mean, like I told Asia, I'm really not. I just had a birthday. I am not that big birthday girl. But skipping out on my birthday dinner when it's supposed to be happening like no. You're rude. You shout out for that. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could permanently delete one thing from your brain, what would it be? This might sound kind of silly. And in the grand scheme of my life, it probably is. But I did have a failed romantic encounter earlier this year that really triggered me in like my deepest places. And it's been harder than I thought it would to bounce back from that. I let it take up way too much mental space. For way too long before I finally just broke past the shame and talked to my therapist about it. And I'm very glad I did because now I'm definitely moving on and feeling better. But it was quite the emotional journey to get here. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, consider BetterHelp. They have thousands of licensed, experienced professionals who can help you work through whatever may be holding you back. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. All you have to do is complete a short questionnaire to help them identify your needs and preferences. So you can get right to the work of focusing on your therapy goals. But if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. 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I found a beautiful Le Jardin embossed stoneware egg plate that I will absolutely be pulling out for my deviled eggs this thanksgiving thanks to wayfair when refreshing your home this holiday season wayfair delivers exactly what you need head to wayfair.com to shop all things home that's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com wayfair every style every home okay let's see who is up next on the couch hello hey how are you i'm good thank you how are you i'm doing all right who am i talking to you're talking to ken ken yeah okay what's up kid what's up um i'm just like whoa this is actually real okay cool yeah i'm real um okay so i guess i should get to the meat and potatoes um so i recently about four months ago ended a relationship of two years on and off for two years um i saw our relationship was taking a unhealthy turn we were triggering each other from childhood trauma and stuff like that and I had reached my emotional threshold I realized that um you know it was just something I didn't want to partake in anymore um so I thought I practiced this on my head but I didn't do a good job you're fine oh so yes so I ended the relationship and um back in 2023 I was diagnosed with CPTSD back then I didn't quite understand what that meant I was just happy to have a diagnosis to put a word to things that I felt and didn't feel um so as I started to get time went on I'm starting to see that it shows up in my romantic relationships that's you know the triggering each other so uh after the breakup I decided to get myself into EMDR therapy now that I'm in EMDR therapy and we're breaking things down we're unpacking I'm like wait a minute so some of these attributes I have have been developed out of trauma what if I'm going through this process and I realized I don't need these attributes anymore I don't need to be stoic or private or afraid to be vulnerable or let people in healthy all these different things on myself I'm like who am I right so like what do I do like am I overthinking the fact that EMDR may make me to someone I don't recognize or is it just ebbs and flow like what is this Hmm. Well, is is EMDR turning you into someone you don't recognize? Is that necessarily a bad thing? I don't know. Yeah, because it sounds like it's helping you realize all the ways that trauma has negatively affected your life. For sure. All the things you've done to kind of build up walls emotionally and protect yourself from feeling hurt or betrayed or whatever else again. And so maybe EMDR is helping you to kind of chip away at that so you can reconnect with the truest sense of you, with the purest version of you that, you know, came onto this world and and unfortunately came up against some things that she should have never had to come up against. You know, maybe maybe it's that. But if that's the case, it's like I'm 34. What is rebuilding even look like at 34? Well, luckily, 34 is infancy. it's not it's not but my back hurts it is not is okay i'm exaggerating but it is still absolutely young enough to make huge changes in your life and and feel differently yes hopefully at 34 your life is not even half over oprah did an episode of baby this is kiki palmer a few months ago that's on my watch list I actually plan to watch it this weekend it's really good and there's a clip that I love um of Oprah talking about how she wouldn't go back to I guess they had been talking about like if you could go back to any age which one would it be would like it be 30 and she said not 30 I would go back to 44 because that's when life begins because you step fully into yourself and you're not just doing stuff for the hell of it no more you're like really focused and locked in and all this and so you know Oprah said that about 44 she said life begins at 44 and you're 34 talking about well what is that gonna look like whatever you want it to look like EMDR is a mind trip though it really is it is I'm like every week because I've been in it for almost two months now so I've just been like whoa yeah do you feel really tired afterwards yeah sometimes or sometimes i feel really energetic and i think that the energetic is my trauma responding because i'm the kind of person i don't like to sit with my feelings i like to work them i'll like i'm the person like right now i'm full-time in school i'm full-time working i go to the gym i have a puppy i am constantly like oh yeah you busy yeah for sure for sure. So yeah, EMDR is really like changing. And I was just like, is this, I know I wanted to challenge myself because I want to be a better human. So it's like, I want to rework my brain, but I didn't think I thought about what reworking my brain would actually feel like in my body. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah. Hmm. But you say you go to the gym, working out is a great way to kind of those feelings through your body. Do you ever notice a difference in how you're feeling maybe before and after a workout yeah i actually cried on a treadmill two days ago and i was like yeah what the hell am i crying about yeah and then i realized that like the next day i was like oh i'm crying about my grandmother passed away in 2018 girls 2026. like that's your grandmother i almost said you only get one lord you would have thought she died yesterday when i was on the treadmill like yeah i was like this is a little this is a lot so but yeah i appreciate your insight i knew that talking to because i wanted to ask my therapist i was like steadily that might send me to the grippy sock house no not for that i don't need to go there let me let me ask somebody else with something not for that not that's not grippy sock vacation worthy no um and you are far from the only person to be like hey emdr is really with me like what i'm supposed to do with this yeah it is emdr it helps unlock some of those uh memories and and feelings and emotions that we've been pushing down you sound like you have maybe been pushing things away when you don't have the time or space the capacity to really deal with them and so emdr will help bring all of that right on out i mean i i was shocked at the things that we ended up zeroing in on as like an origin for um a lot of the pain and things that i've experienced so i would say uh maybe just try to shift your perspective on it that maybe emdr is changing you in ways you didn't expect with just which just goes to show how limitless this world is and how expansive this existence is and you you don't even know what to what to think to expect like literally literally anything can happen and so maybe you are feeling ways that you didn't anticipate feeling and you're you're starting to see different sides of yourself incorporate all that i love parts work um internal family systems and just kind of like being able to compartmentalize and say this part of me feels nervous or scared because i don't like being vulnerable because in the past when i've been vulnerable people have used that to hurt me so this thought of like letting that go is scary and it's like okay okay i'm sitting with the fact that this is scary for me and you said you don't like to sit with your feelings most people don't yeah but the more time you spend with it the the easier it gets i'm at the point now where i can just lay there and be like okay what am i feeling what is this about okay and where is that coming from and where is that coming from a pioneer not a pioneer by any stretch no you really are um i want to say thank you so much because your honesty through over the years inspired me to take my mental health more seriously oh i love that ken thank you so much i hope this helped but yeah you're you're doing great you just keep going and talk to your therapist about these feelings this is not she's not gonna put you on a hold you fine thank you so much crystal you have a great day you're welcome ken take care bye bye oh one thing i love about therapy boy we start doing the work and be like but am i the most broken child just keep going you're doing great okay who is up next on the couch hello hi hi who am i talking to hi it's megan hi megan i'm good how are you great so happy to be here wonderful thank you so much for calling in what's going on so i feel like i'm in the middle of a tyler perry perry movie right now with my with my cousin and her husband so um she and i were really close and um her marriage is a bit on the rocks and somehow i keep getting dragged into it recently i found out that he's been recording we had suspicions but he confirmed that he's been recording our conversations um not only with myself but also her best friends her mother even um he's also been interrogating her about things on the recordings he's even come to me asking me questions about the recordings just putting me in a really uncomfortable position right and i've told both of them you know like keep me out of it i wish you the best but um it's just crossing a line that i'm uncomfortable with and the biggest betrayal was um a couple months ago she and i were out of town and i'm dancing on the dance floor i turned around he's in another state popping up at a bar that we're at so i've since been pulling back from her and this has like been my best cousin like my you know sister cousin yeah a1 you know all of that stuff but i feel like she's become very complacent with it and just like oh well i can't control him and you know that's just how he is and you know and so my question is um am i wrong for stepping away um if i feel like my boundaries are continuing to be disrespected by not only her but her husband and at what point do i stop waiting for accountability and accept that walking away is my boundary also i love that episode this week thank you thank you um well this is tricky because you've kind of already had the conversation about like girl your man is what the is wrong with him like recording your private conversations and what what is this popping up in a whole another state over the week like did he follow y'all did he yes no we're in a in a rental car insane insane crystal i'm like out of my mind so like i freaked out and like ran to like the exit and was just like calling our best friend like girl he's here yeah that's terrifying yeah and so then the next day so this is where i have the issue with her she's like super complacent because the next day she just let him see the kids like it was no big deal and then like we'll have um you know like cousin gatherings and of course you know she brings him and i mean it's awkward we all feel very awkward and uncomfortable around him and just kind of like oh well that's just how he is you know that's my man my man my man and it's like y'all want to come off as a hater but at the same time i don't play like that right right has your cousin always been like this in relationships just kind of like oh well that's my man so what he's like oh yeah okay unfortunately okay so she's probably got some deeper issues then that need to be worked through and it does not sound like she's doing that yeah and so yeah i don't know it's just it's very uncomfortable and i feel like um she's told other people she regrets telling us because it's made it worse but my thing is and that's the other thing too he told me first right so he told me at a birthday party that he did it he was like oh yeah you know you guys are really funny um by the way you should have a podcast and i'm like i couldn't react and i also didn't know what he was apologizing for right so yeah i don't know jeez jesus do you think your cousin is being abused by her husband honestly yes you do okay yeah and it's a hard subject to approach because it's like i don't have like concrete evidence but um i saw a different person when he walked in that bar that day like i was really scared and it was just kind of like you know she's like a shell it's like hello are you like like i don't know i didn't even know what to do yeah we did call security he left but when i walked outside to get something out of her car he was literally sitting in the car next to us jesus in the parking lot right um so that's why yeah those those details definitely do make me think that there's something deeper going on here even if it is just intimidation that's bad enough um so the thing about lord this is it's even trickier when now you're concerned for like your cousin's health and safety but also this man is driving you crazy you don't like him he's unpleasant to be around so um yeah and she okay well and this was like my bestie like right really caused a rift between us and we've had a recent falling out and it kind of just gave me a light bulb like wait a minute like i'm showing up for you all the time but anytime she gets a chance to like have my back or whatever it's just like she picks someone else or picks him and it's just like yeah like maybe i need to just step back and let you figure that out but i don't know i'm that's where i'm having a conflict with yeah well and i get that and i it does sound like that's what's best for you um is to take a step back because it sounds like she's also you know it's not really this it's not a reciprocal you know kind of ride or die regardless of who you might be going up against her husband or not you know it sounds like she just maybe doesn't always have your back the way you have hers so i think taking a step back uh makes a lot of sense and that's probably going to be what's best for you i just would also encourage you to think about how how much contact with her you are comfortable with because the first thing abusers do is try to get the people who care about you away from you and it works yeah i feel like he's being successful i i don't want to let him win and we also have come from a family where our grandmother my mother was abused and got out of those abusive relationships so it's a very sensitive topic as well and i'm like i you know i don't stand for that kind of stuff so i'm just kind of like i don't i don't know yeah but she's also been kind of defiant with it too like well that's my still my husband yeah So I'm like, OK, girl. And it's nothing you can do about the girls who are like, well, that's still my man. Because like you, right, girl, at the end of the day, that is still your man and you're an adult. And if you don't want to leave him, I can't make you. All I can do is help when you decide that you're ready. All I can do is remind you that you are loved by me. You are loved by this family. This man is not, you know, your whole world. But if you feel like he is, then you fight an uphill battle in that regard. And so I think knowing all the things that I know, I wouldn't outright say anything about abuse. Because if you're wrong, God help you. But even if you're right, that is possible that that would just make things worse. Anyway, I would probably stay focused on the fact that what he's doing now is bad enough. Recording your private conversations and stalking you from state to state, popping up at the bar where we are and like just allowing this man to be a menace to everybody around you and excusing it. Like, girl. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like even one time he I just said hello to him one time at their house. And he's like, hey, can I can I ask you a question? He started asking me about the recordings. I'm just looking at him and looking. And she also was standing right there and I'm looking at her like, you know, I'm in an alternate universe or something. Right. And I'm and I'm also the cousin that don't play that. So I'm like, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what do you want me to do? Yeah. And she probably knows that you're the cousin that don't play that. And she knows how close y'all are. So there's probably some cognitive dissonance going on over there that's really beating her ass. And I think deep down, she probably she probably intellectually knows that she deserves better. But knowing that and feeling it are two very different. And so because she is if I were you, because she is my cousin and my best friend, I would stay in her life again to remind her that, like, you are loved. This man is not the end all be all like there. We care about you. And if you ever, you know, if you need help getting away or, you know, just support in doing these things, it sounds like she also has kids with him. So that makes if she does leave, that makes. It's harder, especially because abusive men will absolutely use the courts to their advantage to hurt you even more. So it's more of like, hey, girl, I'm not around all the time because your man is the fucking worst and you stick enough for his bum ass. But I do still love you. And whenever, you know, I would love to hang out with you without your man around. Is that even possible? Can we even do that? He probably got air tags all in the car and her location on and all that crazy shit. All of the above. All of the above. Girl, this is hard, Megan. I feel for you because like, girl, I know. It's like I just want to shake her. Yeah, she deserves better. And she's such a beautiful person and she's extremely intelligent. So we know and like that's our fear. We have a mutual best friend. She did share with her that we are concerned overall. Like, OK, we're concerned about her. But he is making it very uncomfortable. Right. And when you when the best friend. And said, you know, we're all concerned for you. How do you know how she responded to that? Kind of like the same thing of like, well, I can't control him. I can't, you know, I'm just in a tough spot. Like she doesn't know really what to do. But she did admit that she hates that she told us anything because it's made it like worse. Like that's been his whole thing to like, like, you know, anytime we would mention his name, he would call her. So that's how we got kind of wind of it. Like, oh, so as soon as she tries to vent to us about anything, just mention his name. He's on the phone. You know, we're trying to basically muzzle her. Right. So, yeah, it's been going on for a while. And I just. Yeah. And then we had a riff about something entirely different. And so we're actually not speaking right now. Yeah. And so that's why I'm kind of like, well, I don't want to continue to pull back. But it's also just I don't really need that extra drama right now. Exactly. And like you said, y'all are already falling out over something that's completely unrelated to her husband. So some distance really does sound like. The best thing. I just wouldn't step away entirely because it's like she's she said she's in a tough spot and she is. She is indeed in a very shit position that I would not want to be in going up with an abuser and having his kids in tow. That's going to be very challenging. And she's also right that she can't control him, but she can control herself. Yeah. Even if she doesn't really see it or feel it or grasp it entirely. She can decide. Whether she wants to in whether she wants to undergo the massive job of trying to get away from this man, because it is going to be hard. I can't imagine that he's going to make that easy on her. But she also has to get to the point where she wants to leave and she doesn't even sound like she's there. So, yeah, you know, I'm around, but I'm not around, girl. But I'm but I'm here, but I'm not too. But I'm not too here. OK. OK. Yes. And make sure you take care of yourself, because as hard as it is to be the person who is in a shitty, toxic, maybe abusive relationship, it's also hard to be somebody who loves someone in that position to see them choosing something so fucking whack, knowing that they deserve better than that is hard. Yeah, it's heartbreaking. Yeah, it really is. So you make sure you take care of yourself, too. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything that you're doing. You're so beautiful. I really appreciate it. Thank you, love. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you for calling in. Take care. Bye. Oh, gosh, you guys, this is just the y'all know how I feel about these relationships when it's just like, God damn, one person is really being horrible to the other. And when you're on the outside looking in, you can feel like your hands are tied. So but good luck to Megan as she tries to approach this conversation with her co-worker. And I think we got time for one more caller. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Thank you. How are you? I'm doing great. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. What's your name? Yes. My name is Renee. Okay, Renee. What's going on? Nothing much. I just have a question regarding a strained friendship, a longtime strained friendship that I've had since we were both 18. I'm now I just turned 34. I'm a fellow Virgo. Okay. Yeah, period, right. But this friendship has taken a toll because it initially started leading up to our birthday for our 30th birthday. So our birthdays are about a month apart. So we've always talked about prior to turning 30 that we wanted to plan a special trip for our big 30. However, I actually ended up getting into grad school during that time of our birthdays. But also a few months prior. My car. Was actually I was robbed. My car was stolen right in front of me so that that traumatic experience kind of created a domino effect as far as my communication and just life in general. So that definitely affected our friendship. And I pretty much just ghosted our plans for our birthday trip, although she had everything planned as well. And ever since then, it's been heavily affected by that. My main question to you would be, should I just reach out to her and try to reconnect or should I just accept that the friendship is strange? Because she's always had my back, so I wanted to understand that. So this was four years ago. Yeah, four years ago. And y'all haven't really talked in at all in those four years. No, other than just texting for each other's birthdays and checking in on each other here and there, but not too much as much as we used to. Oh, wow. Yeah. Well, so tell me a little bit more about why you think you weren't. Yeah. able to really follow through on the planning for this 30th birthday trip. That's a good question. Just thinking back now, I feel like as I've always been a very like type A person, but I feel like a mix between that traumatic experience and also just COVID, I feel like I've become more of a B type of person. So I'm kind of just like, okay, let me just be how plans go because whenever I make a plan or anything, everything kind of just doesn't necessarily work out. And it made me a little bit afraid to make plans in general, it wasn't necessarily money, it was just more like, finalizing any sort of plan. So okay, so you, you went through this experience of being robbed right in front of your face, which would would greatly affect a lot of people. And then you started grad school, I know how grad school can snatch up every bit of your time and attention. And so when you all were, I guess you sort of, y'all had started planning it, and then all these things happened, and you just kind of fell off and then when she hit you up to, to finalize the trip, what can you just walk me through like exactly what happened there? Yeah, so through that robbery situation, I was still pretty much showing up as my like my usual like upbeat self, and even to my friend as well. but I noticed like internally, I thought it was just, momentarily thing but I noticed internally that I was slowly becoming this big procrastinator with just everything and I noticed like the communication was kind of falling off between myself and my friend and she was still like very gung-ho about this trip and I was like yeah because I thought that eventually I would get myself together because I've always been good at that but with this particular incident I noticed I was just like stuck pretty much and I've always been or I was pretty much flabbergasted and just scattered brain I would say as well and that just affected as well so um she also I would say two weeks prior to the trip of finalizing everything I never returned her text or phone call because I was just and yeah I know I was just very heavily involved in school and just trying to find that balance of just balancing everything pretty much and I ended up returning the phone call like maybe a week or so before the trip and I was like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and she was very like mum and very short-winded as far as like communication I could tell that she was disappointed and I felt so bad I really did yeah um do you do you have an idea of like why you didn't share with her what was really going on with you um well she I told her about the robbery and she I didn't I don't think I told her or explained like thoroughly how I felt about the situation I was pretty much like this happened to me and it was traumatic but I'm still gonna like push through with life and just stay optimistic and so I didn't really tell her the details or say or just how I was feeling necessarily too much because I'm just that type of person in general I don't like to worry people or I don't like to just be the bare bad news pretty much and I feel like me not sharing any sort of bad news it definitely affects my friendships because this is something that is actually really understandable not saying I mean and of course we're looking at this with 2020 you know vision in hindsight so that is one thing you may not have even been fully aware of how it was really affecting you at that time but you know this is something that I I just wonder if you had said hey it's not a it's not a financial thing I'm just feeling overwhelmed with grad school and honestly I've been feeling just you know the things have not been right with me ever since my car got stolen earlier this year so I'm totally down to go I can pay whatever but I just don't have the executive function to do a lot of the planning right now I mean maybe she would have been like oh that's fine girl I'm gonna just run some choices by you let me know you know like it's possible that if you had felt like it was okay to be fully honest about your experience maybe this could have worked out yeah yeah that's true that's true so I see why you guys I see why you guys fell out I do 30th birthday is a big one the trip and all that um so you you don't use you don't follow her on instagram no more and you don't follow her on anything like you just completely tapped out of what's going on in her life no we still follow each other oh you do okay yeah but I pretty much that's another thing I pretty much just distance myself from social media just to take some time to kind of refocus um I was also laid off from my job earlier this year so that's another factor and I'm like let me just like refocus and kind of find my bearings in life and everything I feel like when you go on social media especially when you see your peers you're like oh my god I'm gonna be like oh my god I'm gonna be like I'm so far behind so let me just take the time yes it's a lot girl oh I know I honestly I'm starting to think that happens to absolutely everybody doesn't even matter how successful you are you go online you're like oh my god I'm not doing nothing everybody else is has a way better life and a way better career and we're like okay all right simmer down okay Renee I think in this situation I would send a text or not send a text um well hmm maybe you said you guys do check in for like birthdays and every now and then so I would maybe send a text or even a DM on Instagram just asking if she is free to chat because you have some things you would like to you know get off your chest or some stuff you'd like to talk to her about and then I would just tell her all the things that if she says yeah you know girl call me Wednesday or whatever okay or even if she's like you know I'd rather not talk but we can text I would just either way no matter how you communicate it I would tell her you know I was much more deeply affected by being carjacked than I thought I was and so I yeah I had grad school and you know everybody has life going on but I was also dealing with that trauma and feeling triggered in other ways and I was withdrawing and and just a mess internally and I didn't even let you see that you know like I told you what happened but I kind of put on a happy face instead of being vulnerable with you and that was really where I messed up because I I wasn't fully honest with you about how I was struggling and I didn't give you the chance to to be a friend I didn't give you the chance to maybe help out or you know see where you could pick up the slack and and that was my mistake I was like I'm not gonna do that I'm not gonna do that and so I apologize for that and maybe you all are able to rebuild and and kind of have that close friendship again and maybe not but at least it won't be hanging over your head like damn I know I did this person wrong and I know I I owe them an apology or I would like to have a conversation with them but you know we don't let our we let our pride get in the way our ego or you know it was so long ago she don't care about me she's not thinking about me blah blah blah you know we tell ourselves all kinds of things so that we can avoid taking accountability but if for no other reason so that you will feel better I think you should I really do yeah I agree I definitely been wanting to get this off my chest so I'm definitely gonna reach out to her right away yeah I think you should and again just just be forthcoming in the way that you weren't able to before and and communicate that with her it just will it will hopefully provide some additional context because if I were your friend I would be like this is our joint 30th birthday trip and you just ghosted me like yeah I would be so confused and hurt by that so this hopefully will help her understand a little more you know why you weren't really able to show up why you just kind of dipped out like you did and you know it's been four years maybe maybe things can be fixed maybe they can yeah I hope so yeah I hope so so I'm definitely gonna reach out to her soon good good be brave the the worst she can say is girl I don't care the worst you can say is whatever you ruined my 30th birthday I'll never get over it don't hit my line and you know maybe you'll never be super close again and and and in that case it's a lesson learned but yeah I think I think you should say something okay okay I'm gonna reach out to her okay you're welcome Renee you know if it goes well or even if it doesn't let me know okay all right babe take care you too bye bye bye we had a lot of things this week of like birthdays and friends and what does this look like um moving forward and how am I you know uh accounting for the things I did before how am I showing up for people and hey you know I'm gonna reach out to her okay I'm gonna reach out to her okay you're welcome Renee you know sometimes we're just in that season we're moving more into the holiday season so I'm anticipating a lot more letters and phone calls from you guys about Dynamics with friends and family um as we approach that time of year but we are all out of time for this week's episode of Crystal's couch you can follow us online at Crystal's couch and if you have a question for me or if you'd like to chat live send me an email advice at chrislesscouch.com we'll see you next week