(upbeat music) - Hi and welcome back to Crystal's Catch the Show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today we are back doing everybody's favorite live callers. This is one of my most cherished segments. I love getting to talk to you guys. So I'm so happy we have a fresh new batch of people to talk to today. So let's dive right in. Who's up first? - I'm Crystal. - Hi, how are you? - I'm doing well, how are you? - I'm good, thank you so much. Who am I talking to? - My name is Brandon. - Okay, hi, Brandon, what's going on? - So I have been in awe and awe therapy goer for like the past five years. - Okay. - And a few months ago, I started with the new therapists that I really love. I've been seeing him in person pretty much weekly or biweekly and I feel like I've been learning a lot about myself in our sessions. I'm an opera singer. So I travel for gigs often like three to four weeks at a time, sometimes even months and usually out of state. And as you can imagine, this means that sometimes attending therapy can be like nearly impossible where I leave the state due to licensure issues and things like that. - Yes. - So I often lose access to care like right when I need it most, right? Like being in the new environment, new coworkers, just like the stress of a gig. And so my therapist suggested that like, I journal during our normal session time and I can like email him notes though he might not be able to respond to them. And that helps a little. But like weeks and months with zero real support can sometimes be rough. - Right. - And so my question is like, what other tools or practices would you suggest for someone who's trying to maintain their mental health on the road when regular therapy just isn't an option? - Right, right, right, right. Okay, so you said you're an opera singer. That sounds like it is taxing on the body and maybe even a little bit mentally too. Do you find yourself feeling like kind of worn out or maybe resorting to former coping mechanisms or things like that? I'm trying to get an idea of like where your biggest struggles are. - Yeah, it definitely can be exhausting physically and mentally just using your body and a lot of mental work. And so at the end of days, I definitely find myself. I'm an introvert naturally, but I do find myself seeking a lot of a long time and a lot of just time alone to kind of recent and kind of re-figure out myself. But also that can mean feeling lonely on the road to something that I've been definitely struggling with. And then there's just like, I mean, being an artist and that being your job, there's a lot of just mental things, a lot of imposter syndrome, a lot of different things that pop up randomly that you maybe don't expect when you're on it. - Right, right. - And like one of the wealthy things about therapy is being able like when things pop up, like, oh, I have a session next week and I can go talk to someone about it and we're through it. But when like imposter syndrome or something, I'm not expecting or just the feeling of loneliness pops up. - Gotcha. - It's hard to figure out, okay, what do I do? - Right, right. And you said you've seen this therapist for a few months? - Yeah, I started, I started with him maybe around March. So we've had like a regular like we're starting to build type of like a foundation of things of like, oh, what are your coping mechanisms like you mentioned or what are the things you can go back to? And it's like 50% of the time, yeah, I can get back to those and be like, okay, that's what helps. But then there's 50% of the time where it's like, okay, those aren't helping and I can't reach out to the person who like helps me build that foundation. - Right. Okay, so two things here, there's sort of, there's like a general list of things that you can do to kind of try to keep your mental health up and keep yourself going and doing well in between therapy sessions. Have you tried like journaling, things like that? How are you with those sort of practices? - I do a little bit of journaling and that was like really helpful just of like, oh, I know I have therapy at 11. I mean, this is kind of there to journal. - Right. - I definitely go and wave. Sometimes I'm like journaling a lot and sometimes I'm not. And then sometimes I find that I only want to journal when something bad's happening. - Oh yes, oh yes, that's most of us. We don't have great, well, sometimes we do. But most of us are journaling through the hard times. So yeah, especially if it's not a regular practice. - Yeah, so trying to make it a regular practice I think is my hurdle. But it's nice to be able to have that when I do go back to the therapy maybe after like a month of not having it and being like, well, this is what I journaled about and this is what I was going through and I didn't know how to. So it's helpful to reference, but I think I'm still working on the practice of using that as a technique for managing feelings. - Well, that's fine. Everybody has to start somewhere. So it sounds like you're doing great with it. How about other forms of self-care? I'm thinking like deliberate rest and relaxation. Exercise, quality, sleep, nutritious food, plenty of water. How are you with things like that? - Yeah, that's something that I've been trying to work on more. It's just figuring out what those different things that bring me joy throughout the day are. I've been finding that having a really nice skincare routine really is something that I can latch onto on maybe a hard day and be like, well, if I'm not feeling great, maybe putting extra 10 minutes into skincare will make me feel better about something or listening to music or listening to podcasts or reading. So I've been working on a tiny list of whether those could be next and as well as things I can go to that I know are immediate joy. Thanks for me. - Right, okay. So do you find that it's pretty easy for you to be like, okay, you know what? It's time for me to just really pour into myself. I'm gonna take this time and do my skincare. Like is it easy for you to just do that or do you think it and then you're like, oh, I don't really feel like it or something else comes up. Is it more like that? - Definitely a combination. I've been finding sometimes it's easy. It's hard to catch when I'm in that loop of like, oh, this isn't like, I'm not feeling my best today. So sometimes it's the preventive act of those like being in the preventive space of like, let me do my skincare and make myself feel good today is one thing. But it's the reactive one that I really struggle with that like, oh, I'm having a not great day. So I go, do read a book or should I lay in the bed or arc and just like get my nose? - Yeah. (laughing) Oh, that's so real. Okay, so it sounds like you kind of have this idea of like, here are some things I can do to help myself relax and really take care of myself, but you struggle with being consistent about actually doing those things. 'Cause the pull to, you know, bedrod or scroll online endlessly is strong too. Okay. - Score. - Have you talked to your therapist about this? Maybe, 'cause you don't see him every week. So it sounds like he is already familiar with like your schedule that sort of thing. I'm thinking that maybe if you talk to him about it, he might have suggestions as far as like, you know, therapy homework or objectives or goals for you to try to like strive for in-between your sessions. Is that something that you've talked him about? - No, then, you know, that's, I probably should. You go into session and you're like, okay, this happened this week. Let me be like about this, but maybe also talking about, okay, what do I do in-between the sessions might be a good conversation just 'cause it's, yeah, like he's part of my, I view him as like part of my like, and that work with my resources. - Absolutely. - My only resource. - 100%. - Yeah. - Yes, and that is exactly what I was about to ask you. Who else is in your network if there are other support systems or people who are close to you who you can trust with these feelings 'cause that is another thing. Everybody is not safe, but if you have somebody, you can reach out to in-between sessions to say, hey, you know, I just wanted to see if you're free to chat for a little bit. Something like that can really help too to help you stay connected and stay grounded. - Yeah, yeah. And that's something that I'm working on too is just, you know, not feeling like a burden. - Yeah. - Thanks to people. Like I have an amazing friends and I have amazing husband that are like, I'm sure would be happy to take that. But I think that's definitely something that I've been working on. - Mm-hmm. - The not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to add on to someone else's play and hand in my things. And that's why therapy sometimes feels so beneficial, right? 'Cause I feel like I can take this person the things and it's just about to kind of help me figure it out and talk through it and peace through it. And like, and also not everyone has those tools. - Right. - Not everyone can like, so sometimes it's like, okay, I don't want to bring this thing to this person because you know, you're not equipped to like, - Exactly that. - Get into the community that I need. - That's right. Most people actually are not equipped to help us really work through our things. They can commiserate, which is great. - Right. - You know, a sense of community. And I'm not the only one. And you know, sometimes our friends have good advice. But as far as like really knowing the science behind mental health stuff and all that, it doesn't. Most of our friends are not set up to be able to handle things like that. So that's understandable. You know, I, the thing about this is that you are, you are exactly where I would want a client
to be a few months into therapy. It sounds like you are actually thinking about like how to better take care of yourself and you're really striving to make these changes, but you're not there yet, you know, as far as like completely nailing it and that is perfectly fine. Like you're actually not supposed to be. If you come right out the gate, doing a complete 180 is like, that isn't real or sustainable and at some point is going to fall apart too. So I think it's also important for you to give yourself a little bit of patience and understanding here. Like you're not wrecking things, you're not going too slow, you're not behind or anything like that. Like it sounds like you are really making the decisions, you know, that are good for you and this is a process more than anything else. Something else I would bring up or ask you to think about. And one of the reasons why I asked you to, why I asked whether you had talked to your therapist about this is because sometimes people are dealing with issues like ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence or depression, things that may keep us from doing those great self-care things that we really want to do. So if that is something that's coming up for you talking to your therapist about, it may lead to, okay, well, maybe we need to talk to a doctor about antidepressants or, you know, ADHD meds. Maybe we need to look into ADHD coaching, something like that. So talking to your therapist about the obstacles that you're facing gives them an opportunity to help you find a way around them or through them. So that's why I brought that up because you're working with him. He obviously knows you better than I do. So he will probably have some more tailored suggestions for how you can sort of manage things in between sessions. But I think, you know, we, I've tried to give you a few ideas here, but I think just talking to you, it sounds like you're really on the right track. So, you know, maybe patch yourself on the back for doing a good job and being proactive and trying to attack this because you see that it's an issue for you. You know that because of your job, you can't be consistent with going every week. So you're trying to find what works for you and your life and your situation. And that is what's important. It doesn't have to look like anybody else is therapy journey. It doesn't have to be quote, unquote, perfect. As an opera singer, you're probably a perfectionist 'cause I find that most creative people, most people in the arts are. So you know, it's important to just kind of chill and be like, I am only human. It's only been a few months of working with this person. I'm moving in the right direction. I'm feeling good about where I'm going. So I'm gonna give myself some time to actually get there. You know, Rome wasn't built in a day, basically. - Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, thank you so much. - You're welcome, Brandon. And you know, I'm very proud of you for reaching out. I'm honored that you know me talking about therapy and all this had any sort of influence over your life and your decision to go. That means so much to me. So thank you. - Yeah. Thank you. You're the whole reason why I was open to wanting to go to therapy in this place. - Oh my God, that's so crazy. - A approachable and accessible. - Yes, and so I'm glad you're seeing the benefits. So you know, keep going. I also journal things down to talk to my therapist rather than be like, oh girl, let me not forget this. So that's great too, but you know, just when you feel a little pushed to do something, try to just, you know, take that opportunity, jot it out, you know, real quick, if you need to, whatever, but we only build consistency by continuing to try. So you don't have to be perfect or even great at it right off the bat. You'll get there, though. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay, thank you so much. - Thank you so much, Brandon, for emailing. It was so great to chat with you. Best of luck. - Thank you, bye. - Thank you, bye. Oh my goodness, you guys, so many of us are like Brandon where we're just like, okay, I'm in therapy. I'm doing the work. What else can I do to kind of turbo charge it? And you know, I actually think I may have done that unknowingly by going to grad school. I think there was a part of me that was like, therapy's great. Maybe I could speed it up by going to school and learning how to do this. I do think, you know, deep down I felt that way, but you just gotta give yourself patience. Keep doing the work and trust that things will fall into place. All right, I think we're ready for whoever's next. Hello. - Hi, Crystal. - Hi, what's your name? - Hi, Crystal, I'm Angie. - Hi, Angie, nice to meet you. How are you? - I'm good, how are you? - I'm doing great. What's going on with you? - Okay, so me and my boyfriend, who's not really my boyfriend, have been on and off together for almost 10 years. - Oh! - I'm getting college. - 10 years? - Yeah, almost 10 years. - Baby. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, exactly, not technically together. We broke up almost two years ago, but we still see each other pretty often. We talk just about every day. And so it's kind of a weird space that we're in. - Right. - I'm always the one that's usually initiating the breakups. And it's always been because I felt like this unsettling feeling about us being together. And I've always felt like something's missing. I feel like some of my needs aren't met. And I feel like a lot of those we could work through, but the bigger issue that I feel like we can't work through is sex somewhere along the way. I stopped initiating sex. I just didn't really want to. It never really came to mind. He would initiate it. And I was never really, like my head is never really in it, but I would do it because I know that it's a part of the relationship and I know that it's something that he needs an relationship. But it was just a thing. I thought it was just a meeting. I thought something was wrong with me, but then I realized that I did have attraction to other people that weren't here, especially during our breaks. - Okay. - And I would never ever want anything but sex from other people. So like I would try to like date other people and I would never really connect with them. Something about them would give me the ick and I just wouldn't want it. But the sexual connection with me and him, the person that I've been with on and off for 10 years never really came back. It was just the course of the 10 years. And I kind of just at that point where I do feel like I'm ready to kind of look for marriage and kids. I still feel like something's missing though, so I don't feel all the way 100% sure ready to get back with him. My therapist thinks that maybe something's deeper going on, something deeper is going on. And my friends think that maybe it's just me being avoided for me, like I have like this depersonalization things where I just don't listen to my feelings. They think that might be what's going on, but my question is, I guess, do you think that if I decided to be with him, is it settling or do you feel like maybe there's something else mentally I might need to look into that might be going on? Well, have you ever been sexually attracted to him? When did this go away? Yeah, I feel like for the first three or four years of the relationship, I definitely felt a strong sexual connection to him. There were some things that happened. He cheated twice. I've done my own things. That'll do it. Yeah, something's happened. I feel like it didn't go away originally immediately, but I feel like over time, we both move to different parts of the world for work after college. So we were long distance. So I think eventually, gradually it happened. OK. And you said that you do still find yourself sexually attracted to other people, so it's not like your sex drive has gone. OK. So I think-- I think what's happening here is that your body realizes that this man ain't it, and it's shutting down. [LAUGHTER] I think you might be right. I think I am, too. It's hard for me to accept that, because I really do genuinely love him. And that's the only real relationship. Yeah. And so the thought of me being vulnerable or opening up to anybody else is just kind of really foreign and not something I want to do. Yeah. I'm a very avoidant person. So I think maybe it is my brain trying to tell me something that I'm [INAUDIBLE] I mean, and that happens quite a bit. Where you like-- when you talked about having sex with him as almost like you were vacuuming or doing the dishes, like, let me lay down and let him do his business. Like, OK. Like, I don't even want to be here right now. That's a big sign that your body and mind and spirit are not all aligned on this connection. But you said you really love him. You've been going back and forth with him for almost a decade. So clearly, there's something there. What's so great about him? I feel like that's my person. Like, I feel like when anything happens in life, I have to tell him, I think that's the person that I am probably the most vulnerable with out of anybody, even my family. So he knows things about me that other people just don't know. Outside of my two best friends, I feel like we are very similar, like our sense of humor is very similar. We have a lot of similar hobbies. We're just usually on the same page about things. Like, if there's an event that we bought tickets to, we might be announced like, oh, we're not feeling it. We're both on the same page about it. Nice. We just enjoy spending time with each other. And I think it's a comfort space for me. Like, I'm very comfortable with him. Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Well, sometimes, you know, we stay comfortable for so long that we start to build all kinds of things that aren't actually good for us, resentment, frustration. Sometimes we can look around and be like, what exactly am I doing here? Why am I here? Why am I here with you? You know, like, you can just kind of wake up one day. You like, damn, almost a decade has passed. And I'm still over here playing games with this man. But I see why? Because the connection's great. You guys have a lot of shared hobbies. You're on the same wavelength about a lot of stuff.
So it can be hard to let that go, especially because dating is a mess. Like, it's not like it's some giant line of great men out here, just waiting. So I get it. Um, what? So you've told me about what's so great about him. Why don't things work out? What happens? Um, usually, not usually all the time is me. Okay. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm a nagger, but like there are, sometimes I have had issues with him initiating things like dates. Like he will come see me in a heartbeat, but I don't want to just sit in the house or we can. We're still technically long distance. So like, I want us to go do something, but I don't want to be the one always planning things. Like, I have to be taught dog in my day-to-day life at work. So like, when I come home, I don't want to have to do that. And I feel like I have to ask for a lot, and after a certain point, I'm just not going to ask, like, I'm just going to start going and hanging out with my friends instead. And then that would usually lead to times like months of us just not speaking to each other. And like, specifically the last time that we broke up, I, we never text each other, face time each other for almost six months. The only time we would communicate would be take taught, like sending each other take taught. Oh, my God. Okay. So, yeah, that got to a point where I was just like, I'm asking you if there's an issue I'm asking you if something's wrong and he was dealing with his own personal things, but like, you're not giving me anything to work with, so I'm just kind of hitting things at time. Got it. Is he ever trying to like, progress the relationship or take it to the next level? Is he trying to like, talk about maybe marriage and kids? That sort of thing? I, I feel like we vaguely talk about it. Like, it seems like something he wants, marriage and kids, but as far as like, like looking at rings or like, actually having concrete plans, I haven't heard anything. I've also said that if we were to choose to get back together, it wouldn't happen unless we're living in the same place because I think yeah, put a strain on the relationship also. It does. I'm like, can you type the initiative and try to figure out where we're going to be when it's going to happen and not much has happened with that either? Okay. So, you know, talk is great, but how we, you know, if we are planning on building a life together, then we got to start making plans about like, how are we going to live in the same city, you know, first and foremost. So, without any action behind it, it is just talk. But I think it kind of sounds like you know, probably it probably, you probably don't even have to go deep down. You know that this ain't really it, but the comfort and convenience of having him around when things get hard or you're feeling frustrated or overstimulated or whatever it may be. You know, he's right there. He's like that lazy boy that's been in your grandma's house for 30 years. You know, he's just always there. You know, exactly how it's going to work and you can just get anything and be comforted for a little bit. But that comfort doesn't last and that's how we know that he isn't the long term one for you. So, at some point we have to decide which discomfort do we want to sit with? The discomfort of being single and, you know, back out there and trying to dead oh God. Oh God. Do we, we got to sit with that and how draining that can be or the discomfort of staying in a relationship or staying in a dynamic that we know is not the right one for us. And continuing in a cycle that doesn't ever really go anywhere. It's just constantly, oh, this feels good. This is fun. This is great for a little while. And then it falls back into the what are we doing here? He takes no initiative. He doesn't follow up on anything. He says like, and I think I heard you say you were avoiding it. I definitely am like it takes a lot for me to open up to anybody like most friends outside of my core friends is very surface level with them. And I'm working through it in therapy. Yeah. Okay. Good, good, good. It's really hard for me to open up to people because I think right now my mind kind of sees it as like I'm being vulnerable like you have something to use against me. Yeah. I know that's not everybody's intent, but I think that's just how I view it. Yeah. And that is very common. As actually the number one reason why people are not vulnerable with others because somebody took advantage of us when we were vulnerable and so now we're afraid. That makes so much sense. And did you say what your therapist has to say about this whole situation? I did briefly. Okay. It seems to think that she's used the word depersonalization so you do something called cognitive processing therapy. I love that. Because I just don't like I will tell her like glimpses of my feelings and I am very vulnerable with her. But then I will just like resort to logic all the time. I'm just like my family is not really mad at like they're not that important. And I think it has a lot to do with how I grew up. But I just I have my natural habit is to go to like ignore my feelings. Okay. Angie, you're sounding like me here with the my feelings don't matter here are the facts and figures of the situation. Oh, there we go. Science brain, math brain, not trying to do feelings brain. Fuck is it? Yeah. So part of the journey in therapy, I mean, and I'm sure your therapist heard that was like, Oh, jackpot because that is that's a big one right there. The whole I don't have to worry about my feelings feelings don't matter. All that matters is execution and being the best and getting the job done. Oh my god. You sound so much like me. I used to be this girl. It's going to take some time. It will take some time. But eventually you will get to a place where the feelings come up and you're like, hmm, look at that. Me feeling lonely and sad and what do I normally reach for to get rid of that feeling? Could be drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping could be so many things could be that man. All the things that you turn to to kind of help soothe you, you're going to build up the tolerance to feel that discomfort and in the process of doing that, you're going to learn to seek out something else instead. Instead of that man, I'm going to dating up. Maybe that's not really better, but it's better than going back to the same person is what I'm saying. You're choosing something new. You're going to do something different. So definitely keep working with your therapist. Sounds like she, she got your girl. Oh my gosh, she's like, oh, I know what this is. Oh man, but yeah, I think you know what you got to do. You just got to get to the point where you're genuinely tired of going back and forth with this man. Yeah. I'm not saying I hope it happens on the last 10 years now. Yeah. And it is hard to let go, but the longer you keep doing this kind of fake, taking the band date off, the harder it's going to be. So I would suggest, especially since you all aren't in the same city, I would suggest letting this break up be a real one. Does he ever reach back out to you after y'all break up or do you kind of break down and call him again? He usually is the one who initially will reach out, but like in general, I'm the one who's usually like planning things or reasons to talk to each other. Got you. Okay. So he like, she probably doesn't be a man. Let me see. Come on. Come on. Come on. And then how much back up? I'd be like, you still mad. You still don't want to be my girlfriend. Okay. I'll call you back next one. This doesn't sound, you know, I see the great qualities in him, but this doesn't sound like something that is really consistent, that you can rely on. It doesn't sound like something you can build upon. It doesn't sound like something where a solid, secure future is waiting for you. Yeah. I feel like you have similar words to like my friends and my therapist. Yeah. Yeah. And while you're working through, you know, your avoidant tendencies and the, oh, kind of, you see the real me and my feelings, you know, while you're working through all that in therapy, just know that you also do while you are healing, you do still deserve love and you deserve something that feels good and is good for you. And this might feel good in the moment, but so many things feel good in the moment and are not good for us long term. Right. So. Listen to your body, your body's like shut all this shit down, girl. We don't want no parts of that. And I'm just going, I'm just trying to push through. Yeah. And everybody say, don't, don't do that, don't do that. We find somebody else to do this with. All right, Angie. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, Crystal. Thank you, baby. Good luck. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, I love that. She's great. I mean, it's number one, nobody wants to be vulnerable. Nobody wants to show their feelings. Nobody wants to risk being hurt. But as we have said time and time again on this show, you cannot have love without hurt or pain, et cetera, it unfortunately, it comes with it and what we hope to do is build up our tolerance for handling the hard times so that we can really just dive in and fully enjoy the good ones. Okay. I think we have time for one more caller, who's there? Hi, it's Jay. Hi, Jay. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm doing good. Thank you so much. So, um.
My dad has been retired for about four or five years now, and in that time frame, he has spent all of his savings. He gets a check from VA and Social Security, but like for the last couple years, he's just financially irresponsible, so he's reaching out to me in my older sister and asking for money. And of course, times are hard right now for everyone, and we don't mind doing it. But the conflict here is that when he doesn't get what he wants, it's an issue. And he makes us feel really bad about like not being able to help him out. So I'm just trying to figure out like in what way can we explain to him that maybe he should take a job on. Well, to help out. And we don't owe him anything. Ah, love that. So okay, let's back up. You said he retired five or six years ago? Yes. Okay. And so what is his plan for like housing? Did he pay his house off? Does he have any cars? Like how is he supposed to take care of himself? Yeah, so that's part of how he spent some of his money. Okay. He like he did pay his house off. He paid his car off. Okay. He bought some other things, but like mainly is just like the financial irresponsibility because the only thing that he has are like his basics now. And you know, of course, like car insurance, house insurance, like other than that, like you know, your basic gas electric and making sure he has utility free stuff in the house. But he spends it on other things. And then when he doesn't have money, he's hitting us up asking for more money. Right. So when you say financially irresponsible, what sort of other things is he buying like motorcycles, leather jackets, like what does he spend in his money on? Yeah. He has a motorcycle that he does not want. Not really a motorcycle. That's a stereotypical. Sorry. Go ahead. He bought another car. And then he like, oh, back taxes from years of not paying taxes, doing his taxes. So then he had to turn around and sell one of the cars. Now he's having trouble with the car that he bought. He's just bought a lot of stuff that he does not need. And he does not use. He does not go anywhere. He doesn't go on vacations. He didn't go on on vacations or anything. He's literally at home, but he is constantly online buying things. Oh, Lord. Just giving them away like stuff he does not need. Oh, Lord. Okay. So what happens when he asks you for money, you are your sister and you're unable to give it? Like, give me an idea of like what his typical reaction or how his attitude is or how he treats you after that. Um, there was one time recently. It was like last month. I think like last month all together, we gave him $500. And he had came and he asked for some money. And this was like right before the first of the month. And so I was like, Hey, I said, you know, we have our big bills coming up. So like if you'd like to make a list, we can, um, you know, I'll just order the groceries and stuff that you need online and have it sent to your house that will prevent you from spending gas money or anything else. And his response was, well, I had bills when I was taking care of y'all too. But it's like, it's not our responsibility to take care of you. Like obviously you have bills, but you're a parent does. We don't, we don't ask to be here. We're asking to be here. Right. And you were going to have bills regardless. But yeah, of course you had bills when you had kids. What do you, what are you talking about, sir? You're not my child. But yeah. Oh, no. So he thinks that sort of thing makes sense. Yes. And he, he's already expressed there was a few years ago, me and him had words. And he told us the lady who would do his come down there and help him clean his house once a month. The house that he lives in alone and he derries up. And I told him, I said, you treat us like we owed you something. And he got furious. And he said that we do. Oh, interesting. So what, what kind of dad was your father when you were growing up? He was the one, he was the type of dad, like he was a good dad, but he was more so of the, he just made sure what we had. We spent most of our time with our mom. She was the one taking us to school, you know, taking us to the stores on the weekend. We spent majority of our time with her. He was just a provider. Okay. So by a good dad, you mean he made sure you guys had some of the things you needed. Yeah. Like financially. Yeah. Okay. So like paying child support, you know, giving your mama money for back to school clothes, trips, you know, well, I mean, they were, they, they were together. Oh, they were together. Oh, they were together until I was in high school. The way you said that sounded like they lived in two different houses. No. In the house. I married single mom. Yeah. That happens. That happens. Yeah. I mean, my own mother was a married single mother. So I do get it. Um, all right. So I guess it sounds like your dad is like, well, I spent my money on these kids all their life. So now that they grow and they have jobs, they need to spend their money on me. Um, that's exactly what he told us. He said that he worked hard for that money. And he said that he wasn't leaving us anything. He said everything was paid for and that we could sell his stuff when he was gone. Um, he let his life insurance life. So he told us, y'all better get a policy on me or y'all be responsible for other stuff once I'm gone. Sir. Sir. Okay. All right. So this whole situation is obviously causing a strain on your relationship between you and your dad. Is this something that you and your sister can talk about? Um, I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? It kind of froze for one second. Oh, yeah. No worries. I was saying that it sounds like this is obviously strain the relationship with your dad. Yeah, we've talked about it. Um, I think I'm more so, like I feel like we've all said things to him. I know my my sister that's right above me. I know that she's had words with my dad. Um, my older sister, she kinds of just tries to, you know, keep the piece so much like. Yeah. We'll talk about it, but she's not wanting to really, you know, say anything. We just all know how he is. Like if you don't do what he wants you to do, then it just turns into a situation. Right. So I think all of us are kind of at a place where we just don't know what to say to him. I mean, regardless of what we say to him, we know that it could be an issue. And sometimes he likes to turn it not even on us. Now that he knows, um, that we're the ones that help him. So sometimes he'll like turns to anger towards my mom and we'll start going off about her. So it's kind of just like nobody wants to hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Okay. So what if you just don't hear it? What if you're just like, you know what? I'm going to opt out of this whole thing. I don't, whatever it is you have to say, don't come over here asking me for money. The answer is no. The idea that I owe you money because you raised me is patently fucking absurd. You have to take care of your children. That's your job as a parent. So I don't want to hear it. What do you think would happen? If you, if you communicated that message, not necessarily in that manner, but if you, if you communicated that message. Yeah. I definitely think he'd probably be upset, but I mean, it is what it is that something that I've, um, considered over the last few days. Um, so yeah, when I, I, after the last time that he asked for money, I kind of did that in so many ways, but not so many ways I didn't say anything to him. But after he had made the comment of, you know, he had bills when he took care of us, I deleted myself from the family group. And yeah, I just didn't reach out to him anymore. And he reached out to my sister and he asked her if I was mad about what he said, which of course I was upset about what he said. And he was just like, you know, well, I was just joking. Obviously you weren't. And he was like, you know, but you know, I don't let anybody just talk to me outside of the net like that. So he felt like I was being disrespectful by what I said to him. So I just haven't really been speaking to him. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what, Jay, that honestly sounds like it is what is best for you at this time because to be completely frank, your father is not making a lot of sense. And he's not making sense in the same way that I see so many boomer and older gen X parents and grand parents not making sense. The idea that you owe them because they took care of you or that, you know, you
speaking up for yourself as a fully grown woman is somehow disrespectful and you don't let people do that. And all this like getting mad at other people and turning his anger towards your mom and people who don't have nothing to do with whatever is going on, getting that angry in the first place. That's also just like a huge red flag. And so I'm sure your dad has his issues. But why should you have to go back and forth about it? Like, why should you have to be caught up in this? Can you tell me a little bit about how this is affecting you? I think it's just more so because I do love my dad. And I don't want to ever see him go without him. It's just like the disrespect that comes with-- and it's always in this way. Like, if he doesn't get what he wants, we've always been berated for it. Even as kids and stuff. So I mean, I think it sucks because we did have a dad that was there in the home. And we don't have the type of relationship that we should have with the parent that is there in the home. Yeah. You know, I'm feeling a little triggered because same. I grew up with my parents being married for all they did not get divorced till I was in, like, my mid late 20s. So he was around my whole life. And yet the emotional side of the job of parenting and care taking just was not there. And in fact, he was outright abusive emotionally in so many different ways and at so many different times. So yeah, the fact that you had a job and so therefore your income contributed to my growing up, you know, that is just-- as only part of the job of being a parent. But I've noticed, especially in the older generations, with the men, they tend to think that that is all that they have to do. And therefore they are a good dad. What you mean I wasn't a good dad? I was right there in the house with your mama and your sister. And, you know, you had everything you needed. But that isn't the complete job of parenting. At the same time, we are naturally very attached to our parents. That's biological. We want them to want us. We want them to love us. We do not want to watch them struggle or go without or, you know, fall on hard times. It takes a lot for people to just sit back and let their parents flop. And they know that. That's why he's like, yeah, I'm not paying that premium for that life insurance. So one of y'all better do it or else you don't have to pay all my bills out of pocket when I'm dead. And, you know, if he's got health issues, I wouldn't be surprised if he started weaponizing that. Like, well, y'all know how much long I got and, you know, things like that. I just, yeah, that's something that we, you know, is very common to see in parents and older people, especially. But it does not mean that you have to sacrifice your well-being in order to sue that grown man's tantrums. That's what you don't have to do. So it doesn't really sound like you and your sisters are like completely aligned on this. Like I think you said, your older sister is kind of like, just trying to keep the peace. And so maybe she doesn't really want to push it or have boundaries or that sort of thing. But you might want to think about doing that for yourself. It doesn't have to go, you know, like me. And I'm just completely no contact with my father. It doesn't have to go that far if you're not comfortable or if that's not what you want to do. But you can take a very mindful step back and be like, whatever you got going on with this like, it's not even that you ask for money. It's the way you react when the answer is no, when you don't get what you want. It's not the asking. It's the childish behavior that comes afterwards. And I'm not dealing with that. That's perfectly fine for you to say, if you want to come over here, you have to behave like an adult, even when you don't get your way. We're not six years old. Throwing tantrums and getting mad at it. I'm gonna take my ball and go home. I'm not talking to you no more. Would it like come on, man, come on, bro, grow up, bro. Yeah. Does that sound, does that sound accurate or did I get something wrong there? No, it definitely does sound accurate. Like I said, for the last couple of days, I've definitely been considering doing something like that. So I think that that may be the route that I take, if they'd like to continue to suit him in that way, come out, that's fine. But I think that it would be best that I take a step back personally. Yeah, 'cause you know what? Even siblings who grow up in the same house, they are still very different people. And they respond differently to the behavior of their parents. My brother and I, the my brother who I grew up with, not my much younger brother. You know, we, he is still on speaking terms with my dad, I don't know how often they actually do talk, but you know, he doesn't have that anger and that, uh, never speak to me again, sort of attitude that I do. But at the same time, his priority is his family, his household, you know, that sort of thing. You can't let somebody whose job it was to raise you, not the other way around. That person cannot be allowed to come in and disrupt the things that you have to do to take care of yourself in your home. Times are hard for everybody. Coming up off of an extra $500. Most people would call that a massive gift and just be grateful to turn around and then, you know, have an attitude because groceries was gonna be through Instacard instead of cash shopper, whatever, like, sir, sir, sir. Let's just all be, you know, adult and mature and realistic about what it is we're going through here. And if he can't do that, then you are well within your rights to be like, okay, and I'm going to take a step back until you can decide that this hurtful angry attitude that you have every time you don't get your way, you know, until you decide that that's no longer how you want to react. - I agree. - 'Cause if you did the same thing, if you caught an attitude and, you know, said the things he says to you and all that, I'm sure it would not be okay. - Yeah, right. - That family. So, you have to take care of yourself, you know, first and foremost, and there is probably a middle ground here between, you know, just completely cutting him off and then doing like your sister on the other end of the spectrum and just kind of soothing him whenever he has these tantrums. There's a middle ground that works for you and that's what you gotta find. - I agree, I do agree, thank you. - You are so welcome, anything else? - No, man, thank you so much. - You're welcome, Jay, thank you so much for calling in and I hope you're able to, you know, just kind of reclaim your peace and let that be there 'cause this is so messy and so ridiculous. - Yeah, I sure will, thank you so much, Chris Long. - You're welcome, baby, take care. - Thank you. - Bye. - Bye. - Oh my goodness, parents are hilarious. Although I think this is one where probably most people are like, yeah, he's wallet, he's wallet. Like, sorry, what you mean? You ever hear buying whatever the hell, motorcycles and shit, presents for your hose or whatever and then turning around asking me for grocery money? You gotta prioritize, you don't want in your 60s, 70s now. It's time you got to grow up. - Got to, got to. - All right, you guys, that is going to wrap up this week's episode with the live callers. Thank you so much to everyone who called in. If you would like to participate in a live episode, please send us an email at
[email protected] and put chat live in the subject line. We'll get back to you. You can follow us online at @crislscouch. Our website is krislscouch.com. Thank you so much for tuning in. We'll see you next week.
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