Session 39: Calling Crissle

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We're back with another episode with live colors. One of my absolute favorite things to do is to chat with you guys live about any questions or issues you may have coming up. Now, of course, as always, this is not therapy. I am not a therapist, but I do have a master's degree in mental health counseling, and I'd love to try to help where I can. So, with that little disclaimer out of the way, let's get right up to it, who's first? - Hi, I'm Crystal, my name is Lira, how are you? - Hi, Lira, I'm good, how are you? - I'm doing all right, this is kind of crazy, but what's going on? - So the reason I'm calling in, I can't just want your advice on a situation that kind of happened last year. So, my best friend and I, we've been, basically been best friends for like 16, 17 years. We go through each other last year. So, for reference, like I'm 30, I've known her since I was 14 years old, we literally met at the school bus stop for a night grade. So, we've been friends for a long time. We had a bit of a back-and-forth last year in regards to my 30th birthday trip. It got semi-squashed, and she came on the trip, but like the trip was over, you know, like the after like a couple of years that's my birthday in September. So, like by the time we had gone home that was kind of it. Like I haven't spoken to, we haven't spoken to each other since September of 2025. And neither of us has tried, so there's that, but it was, I moved to a new city in state last, it was in 2024, it ended 2024. And so, I've also really been struggling to, you know, find friends and community and not having her talk to you over this last year has been kind of difficult, not difficult enough for me to be like, hey girl, but it has made me feel even more lonely. And I feel like I'm kind of missing my touchstone and someone who like kept me grounded, even though like over the years we definitely have had like, moments where I thought like, oh, are we growing apart? That type of thing. But I guess my question really is, should I reach out there to have like a closure conversation? And that's a person who, you know, picked up your life and moved to New York so many years ago, do you have any tips on, you know, building a strong tribe in a good community, like in a new city? - Okay, well, so what happened on this group trip? (laughs) Is it the group trip that made y'all fall out? - It really wasn't the trip in it of itself. So basically, we, she wanted to, basically, she basically had, I gave everybody, I told her in January that I wanted to go to Cabo. My birthday was in September. I'm a very good shot to you. (laughs) - My birthday is in September. I told her in January of 2025 that I wanted to go to Cabo, stay in all inclusive, do budget stuff, like, you know, I told her I gave her plenty of time, nine months of a notice, you know? So by the time that I was, you know, sending out like hotels that I wanted, that I was, you know, gonna book and like sending her, you know, flight details, like, this is the flight that I'm gonna be on, like, you try to get all that done. Like, I sent her that information in May. And July, she reached out to me and he was just like, oh, by the, I went to go book the hotel and it sold out. And basically, she, would I feel like she wanted me to do was to be like, oh, don't worry about it. Like, you can just share my room with me since I had already booked it and everything. But I had also previously told her, I don't wanna share a room with you because we did a trip in Vegas a couple years back and I almost left her ass in there. I almost left her in Vegas because we were just not a good dynamic of us sharing a room together. Yeah. So I was just like, you know, it was the way she was just like, yeah, the hotel is sold out for the days that we're supposed to be there. Like, and then she didn't really have any, she basically wanted me to fix it. And basically, she wanted me to say that, oh, yeah, no. It's fine. We'll just share my room. Yeah, sure. You didn't have the money. That's how I felt. Mm-hmm. So, but I didn't say the any of that. I was just like, so what you gonna do, girl? 'Cause she had already told me she had booked the place. So I was just like, so what you gonna do? And so she basically got kind of a cell with me and then we didn't talk for like a couple of days. And then she sent me like a soliloquy, a whole essay of how she felt. And basically like, as a, if I, you know, she didn't like that I was, I felt like I was ignoring her and not trying to help her figure it out or anything like that. But I was very much like, but I didn't put us in this mess. Like, yeah. I sent you, I made, I used Canva. I made a beautiful artillery of all the things that, you know, we were gonna do with the hotel. We're gonna say, yeah, all the things. So I felt like I did my part. So eventually like, she ended up coming on the trip, the hotel is the hotel. So you know, they have cancellations all the time. But she, people too, you know, get a room. Oh nice. But I just kind of felt like, after the trip, I had, had it in my mind that we would discuss it because I really feel like we didn't really, because she had gotten the hotel, I feel like everything kind of got swept under the rug. But I was really kind of upset of how it was handled because one of the things that kind of really pissed me off like sidebar is she basically said, like, on her 30th birthday, we went to Disney World because I thought that's what she wanted to do. But she said that she did that for me because I had never been to Disney World. But I'm like, that doesn't make sense because if I wanted to go to Disney World, I could have gone to, it's floored it and I know where before hours, you know, before I went to college, but I could get there. I've taken myself to Thailand by myself. You think I can't go to Florida? Did you ever say to her, wow, I wish I could go to Disneyland like for your 30th birthday? Like, did you? I never said that. Maybe not like that, but. The only thing I've ever said about Florida in another self was I was like, damn, when I was in Paris, I was sure I would have went to Disneyland for a year. Disneyland up Paris. That's the main, that's the only thing I've ever really said. But she has gone to Disney World so many times and I thought that she wanted to go because she didn't really plan anything for her 30th. - Gotcha. - So when she said that I was really taking a bag and really, I was like, hold on now, you got the wrong person and you know you got the wrong person. - Yeah, why would you base your birthday trip around something you thought I wanted to do? Like, and why wouldn't you, it's your birthday girl, is your 30th? And if you felt that, why wouldn't you talk to me about it? Like, is that just seems kind of strange. - I felt that she was trying to use anything at her arsenal to make me feel bad. - I see. - But I just wasn't gonna feel bad because I had, again, told you what I wanted to do in January of 2025. So when July rolls around and you don't have anything together and then she also tried to blame me. She was just kind of like, well, you know I'm a procrastinator. I know that. That's why I told you when she said that. (laughing) - It sounds like the real issue is you were not willing to share your room. But that's, I'm sorry, that's just too damn bad. I'm also not sharing a room, especially, I mean, I will, if push come to shove, but if we've shared a room before and you got on my nerves to the point where I was like, "Oh my God, I'm finna leave this bitch." Like, then no, girl, we cannot share our room again. No, you have to figure it out. Come up with the duckets. This is not happening. - It's not made of a rule. Like, see? - Okay. - We would not, so because of that incident in Vegas, we were like, you know what? We will stay separate rooms, try to be on the same floor. - Yeah. - So like, and we have gone other places since that trip to Vegas where we've done that and we know that it works better for us. - Yeah. - It's just kind of like, it's my birthday. - Yeah. - I got a nice little suite. Like, I spent the money, I stayed up for it. - I know you did, girl. I know you did. Virgo, you're a Virgo, it's what we do. - What we do. - It's what we do. So, y'all have not talked in what, a year, this sounds crazy. - Yeah, it's been almost a year. - Oh my God. - So I know sometimes you'll watch my Instagram stories and stuff, but she still won't say anything. Like, I'm not on social media all the time, so I don't post all the time. - Yeah. - But when I do, and you know, check your story, whatever I do, she's like, she watches, but we literally haven't said anything to each other since like September 3rd. - Oh my goodness. - Oh my God. - So part of me is just like, should I be the one to just be like, hey, just, you know, I know it's been a while, but I don't, I feel called to do it, but I also kind of don't because I'm just kind of like, well, we're no longer friends, we're no longer friends, but that does hurt me because we have been in each other's lives for like, we'll see what's like our entire life. - Right, since you were really little girls. But you know, sometimes we do outgrow friendships and 30 is right around that age where you can start shedding some of the people that you knew when you were younger. So that's not completely surprising or you know, that's not just so crazy that maybe this friendship has run its course. It's more that y'all have simply, the feeling seems to be mutual on not just with the, we haven't talked, but neither one of you has reached out. Almost like both of you came away from this trip thinking, yeah, I don't really need to talk to her for a while and then the while just kept going. And now we had almost a year without the two of you having a conversation. - Yeah, I would agree with that. - Okay, well, so what do you think would happen if you did reach out? I don't know. I kind of feel like she, I feel like she'd be receptive. but I think for me it might be like a little of a pride thing because it just be like I've always told people like you'll miss me before I miss you you know but now I kind of feel like I'm going back on that's like thank I do kind of miss you but I don't know if I miss you enough to like bring you back into my life because we do have we have a lot of differences and we have grown in a lot of different ways and or I I will say no I will say we'll I will say we have grown in a lot of different ways so I don't necessarily feel like I need to for us to be best friends again but I just don't I don't like leaving things unfinished yeah it feels very unfinished yes I agree it does feel unfinished it's almost like and you all could just have the conversation of like you know a girl it doesn't have to be like this friendship is officially over but like the it's the fact that you all have not talked about it at all like you haven't talked about the trip or any feelings like even now you're like well I think maybe she was upset because I didn't offer my room and you know that she brought up Disneyland for her 30th and all this and it's like maybe having the conversation can bring a little bit of clarity there maybe because it's been so many months everybody can just kind of like really take a step back and look at the situation more objectively like it also sounds like if you all aren't friends anymore it's not because of this trip it's because the friendship has genuinely run its course like me again the fact that neither one of you have reached out to the others in September makes me feel like she's feeling the exact same way you are that like you know maybe this is just it and and it's all said and done at this point so I can see how it might be awkward to reach out I would encourage you to let go of this what you gonna miss me before I miss you type of thing because that's usually just ego-impride so you know and there's always there's always a first time so maybe maybe I did miss you first or maybe I'm just the first one to say something but if you're feeling it it's worth exploring that feeling and it's worth maybe reaching out if it's something casual like an Instagram DM or more formal like like an email or a phone call you know whatever feels right to just say hey girl it's been a while I just wanted to chat with you and you know just kind of check in and see how you've been doing that sort of thing if that's on your heart to do then I would say don't let ego be the reason you don't do it okay but you know yeah yeah I was thinking about her heavy because I went back home two weeks ago and she literally she still lives with her mom in the same house so which is literally like four blocks from oh my god so I was at my mom house and I was just like well let me just frid down her street and I was like oh your car is there should have knock on your door and it's like now that's crazy well I mean not crazy probably not advised but y'all but you all have the kind of history there where it wouldn't be like just so out of pocket that you saw her car in the driveway and was like let me you know just knock on the door see if she's home and want to sit down and chit chat even I mean it sounds like you're right you're in a different city now which was the other part of your question about making new friends and having new community in a new place so again with with this other friend I think if it's if it's been on your spirit heavy gone and reach out and you know what she can do is not talk to you or talk to you and be like yeah I just really felt like that whole situation was fucked up and I don't want to be friends no more like if that's the case then so be it and and you can at least say okay well we had the conversation and now we're clear on exactly what happened here and you know it is what it is but as far as making friends in a new city what kind of how do you spend your time outside of like are you working or are you a student um so I work remotely okay kind of like the also the hard part so I'm like I spent a lot of time in like a house yep yep yep yep yep so like I have I mean I do have I feel like I have a solid two friends and a possible here but one of them I do know I've known for a while like are they they move here from my old city so and they were just like you look at like I live here and like and then we just kind of like clicked up again yeah um but I have been trying like meet up groups and trying to go to like different events and stuff um I feel like I'm more of like on the introvert I'm like an introvert introvert and extrovert like when I'm I class solo travel a lot so like I have my extrovert aside comes out when I'm just like in just like a random place where I'm just like you know what I'm ready to be a life of this party with these strangers and I'm never gonna see them but when I'm home and I'm just like I might see these people around or I want to like build a you know real good relationship and like I've gained light to be a part of somebody's life so I feel like I it just feels awkward and I feel like I'm realizing how hard it is to make new friends as an adult and you know how odd some people are I'm just you're weird so I've done it like they they even have like a I've done like a speed friending of them like I've been trying it doesn't seem like anything is connecting yeah well you know it's millions and millions of people in this country and so it may be that you just gotta keep trying um you know if you're into football going to a meetup to you know a meetup for your favorite team or this is also something that if you had a traditional workplace you probably would have met more friends through that the friends that you do have do they also have friends in the city can you kind of like I made a lot of friends through my existing friends but I also moved here already having friends so my advice is a little different right because I moved here with a friend group that was kind of already just built in and waiting for me so I didn't have all of that adjustment but I have also made friends um over the years that I did not know when I first moved here mostly through mutuals um you know we had a mutual friend so I would I would tap into what's around now but also when making friends it's kind of like in adulthood it's kind of like dating you have to be super intentional and reach out and and try over and over again like I don't know if you read there was a uh uh op-ed that somebody wrote about how she took dating so seriously because she really wanted to find a partner and so she went out on dates three or four nights a week and that to me sounds like uh who had that kind of time right right that is a lot and I'm not saying you have to go out you know three times a week trying to make friends but I would say do it regularly and um if if you can go with somebody else that's great but it also sounds like you're a superstar by yourself so you know if there's trivia nights that you're into I'm thinking of things that I like to do that's why I'm like oh football and and puzzles stuff like that I always encourage people to really tap into your own interests and see where people are doing that in your city be open you know when when you're trying to make friends you got to walk in say hi look people in the face you know you kind of got to be open and and jovial in that way to to make friends so it's not always the easiest thing to do um but yeah I I think that's probably my best advice for making friends in a new place okay I appreciate that I feel like I need to lean more into like either getting a hobby or just lean into the hobbies that I already have and see there's like thing similar to other people are doing in the city to that yeah I mean I like to read so it's like I'd be like looking for like a book club they're I was about to say book clubs all over the place yeah I don't know if everybody want a rear thing up but I like to be something to be like oh psychological horror I'm just like what the hell okay right now and exactly I'm not reading to be scared be for real I'm trying to like be giddy and you know do my kind of be Ryan thing you know what my feet together yeah yeah I get it but it definitely helps a lot because I just feel like you know being in a in a new city and you can't only knowing like two people and you know when those two people are busy and it's just like oh well loan again I mean I I still in New York go out and do things by myself all the time go to Liberty Games by myself go to bars and restaurants and events I go to comedy clubs stuff like that all the time by myself it's just I can't let other people's schedules determine whether I go out and live my life you know I love hanging out with my friends I prefer to do it with friends but if nobody's around and I want to go see a show or something I'ma just go you know I I got to get out here and it sounds like maybe you just got to get out get out of the house more regularly and just go be a part of of your new city your new community I mean it's it's the smallest things even get to know the the shopkeepers on your block or in your neighborhood that sort of thing but just get out and and be more of a part of the environment oh so that would definitely be attempted to do that as it as it's hot as heck oh yeah it is very hot so you know be mindful yes thank you so much Chris low and I'm such a fan I've been and listening to the read for like 10 years. - Wow. show was actually the Atlanta show, which was, oh lord. It was a time. I was just like, no, yeah, and then I was so. Yeah, but shout out to you. I appreciate you so much. Thank you so much, baby. I appreciate you for all of the support. Thank you for coming through to the show and for calling in today. Make sure you take care of yourself. I will. All right, baby. Oh, Lira, that was delightful. She was so fun. Yes, friendships are complicated and or can be at least complicated and messy, just like any other relationship dynamic. And we got to find a way to get through it so that we stay in community with others, just like anything else. All right. Who's up next? Okay. Hi, what's your name? Let's go by Mariah. Mariah. Hi, Mariah. What's going on? So I have been no contact with my mother for a little over a year. And this is after spending years trying to address issues within our relationship. And we've had countless conversations a lot over like the past four or five years about why I was pulling away, but nothing ever seemed to actually change in our conversations and our interaction. So recently she reached out through my husband because she's blocked on everything. Okay. And she acts to meet with me in person this summer and she is traveling overseas. So she's originally from West Africa. Got you. So since then she's left me several long voice messages and text messages saying she doesn't understand why I cut her off. And most of the messages focus on everything. And she sacrifice for me how hurt she is and how she just wants answers and how she's confused. So after listening to them and reading the text messages, I realized, and then we realized that we're stuck in the same kind of communication patterns that have led me to go no contact in the first place. So the issue is when I first agreed to meet with her, I wanted to give us like a real opportunity to have an honest conversation now since she's traveling here. But after hearing the messages and just reflecting on like the history that we've had, I realized that I don't I don't want to have that conversation unless we have a neutral mental health professional there to help facilitate it. Because what I did in the past clearly is not as effective for her. So I honestly think that's the only way that we'll be able to have some kind of change or a chance or a chance for both of us to be at least heard. Instead of falling back into the same communication patterns and cycles, we've we've been in for the past like four or five years. So the part that I'm struggling with is if she's unwilling to meet under those conditions, I'm not sure if I should even meet with her at all. Because I'm already hesitant to even have the conversation because I'm I noticed the pattern of communication is not changed. So yeah, I'm on the fence with it, but there's a little part of me that still wants to see if this is going to do any difference. So um so my question is at what point does creating healthy relation, healthy conditions for a difficult family conversation become a boundary that shouldn't be compromised. And if the only way if the only way I'd feel comfortable having this conversation is with the neutral mental health professional there, should I still meet with my mother, should I have someone else come or is it okay to just accept that the conversation just may never happen or I may not get the things that I would like from the interaction. Right. Well um tell me a little bit about how you came to cut her off in the first place. Did you have a conversation with her first or was it like maybe years of stuff that just kind of built up and you finally got to a place where you were just ready to dip and so you just stop talking to her and block there. So it had actually we had so many conversations um phone call text messages, voice messages and this is actually the second time she's been blocked. Okay. I've gone through a contact. So this is not the first time either that we've had a hard time and I came to this conclusion because I realized that she there's a blockage and I don't there's there's a blockage there that I can't I can't unblock because I feel like there's something else going on with her and she also continues to choose her like her sisters and other family members opinions and comfortability over our relationship and she is the youngest daughter too of a immigrant when I even immigrant because she don't live here but if it wasn't African culture she's not the youngest daughter so I feel like there other people's relationships have taken priority over hours. I see and the what so it sounds like you have communicated to her many times how you feel or or what is coming between you from your perspective uh to your mom and nothing ever changes um you know in like a significant or real way. No other than her coming to see me because she I feel like she's seeing this as a symbolic thing like oh my god I'm making this huge trip to come see you but even if you come see me or we're talking about nothing has changed yeah right right so what what do you think is going on here do you think your mother is just kind of grasping at straws because she realizes oh my goodness my daughter has not replied to me in a year like I need to do whatever I can to try to get her to talk to me again or do you think that she's in a place where she kind of realizes that she's been prioritizing other people and other relationships over you and she wants to talk about that and and remedy it. I think it's the first the first one okay um I definitely feel like she's grasping right now I also think there's this is all speculation because we have yet to have a better in-depth conversation but I feel like it's there's some pride and some shame because if somebody asks her hey how's your daughter doing she would have why not have to but it will be complicated because she doesn't want to she wouldn't want to reveal that her daughter her only daughter is not talking to her right right a lot of people have shame around their children not speaking to them and so they make something up or lie about it or you know they skirt the issue however they can because it is difficult for them to say oh well actually my child isn't speaking to me right now and even with what you said about like your mom trying to get in touch with your um husband and saying that she doesn't understand why you aren't speaking to her anymore that kind of is like are you sure are you sure about that have you been told like do you really not understand or do you not accept it yeah um I think she she's having a hard time accepting it and I'm not sure however else way to get through her that that's why no contact just seemed like it made the most sense because it was it's very emotionally exhausting it's raining to talk to someone who's continuously in victimhood right can't see their daughters side and I've been like a you know I've been a good quote unquote good daughter the quote unquote golden child did everything I was supposed to do but as soon as I bring up the fact that I wasn't happy with something that she and other family members did now oh my god this is oh this it's the end of the world right disrespect and I'm I'm ungrateful and yeah okay so what would be the positives or the upside out of agreeing to meet with your mom and I think the idea of like a therapist or a family mediator is a great one and there actually are uh lots of therapists who will come in and do especially marriage and family therapists they will do single session you know consultations like this they'll do family mediation for disagreement something where they understand the two of you are not going to be coming on a long-term basis that you're just coming to have this one conversation so that is probably something that you can find and I think it's an excellent idea but what what would be the the upside to sitting down and meeting with your mom in this way um I feel like it's more so for her than me. Yeah. I think the upside would be to just fight to. I mean, on the positive side to be quite honest, I hadn't seen her in like over 10 years. Oh yeah. So that's a positive, but I would be just to get a better confirmation of where we are and where she's truly at. Because I don't even have. I can't even say, "Hey, what do I want out of this?" I think the main thing I want out of this is just to know how to move forward. And like, do I need a blocker again or like, is she willing to meet me halfway? Yeah. I'm absolutely more than happy to meet her halfway, but I'm depleted. Yeah, and that makes complete sense. Like, when you have tried and tried and tried and you finally get to the point of like, "You know what? Like, you've even done the no contact thing before. You have tried multiple times to make this work with your mom. You're still at a place where you feel like what's best for you is for the two of you to not be in contact." So, compromising by saying, "Okay, we can have a conversation as long as there's a licensed therapist in the room, you know, to mediate and to make sure this doesn't go off the rails." I think that is extremely fair, considering you don't even really want to do it anyway. I mean, this, but how do you think your mother would react if you said, "If you send a message through your husband that basically said, you know, Mariah will meet with you, but only under these conditions?" I do have a little bit of up there. I did unblock her. So, we are talking directly. Oh, you are. Okay. Okay. See? She's getting back in there. She's getting in there. I know because I didn't want to unblock her because she felt like she couldn't logistically plan for things unless she spoke with me directly. Oh, Lord. And that's just not true, but her, she wants certain things to be done in a way that she feels comfortable. So, she knows that I'm for sure coming, but a lot has happened to be quite honest. A lot has happened since I've sent this message. I don't know. I'm just exhausted. Yeah. I just want to get it over with. Yeah. Oh, God. This is so real because you're right that if she really wants to come to America, don't let me be the reason that you're making a visit to America. If your visit is wrapped around me, then you come in here for the wrong reasons because I'm only here or I'm only willing to even be a part of your trip to the States under very specific conditions. So, no, you did not have to talk to me directly to coordinate your trip. If you were going to come on a trip, then you know, your your itinerary is up to you. But this is, I mean, it's so hard to hold strong with parents, probably more than anybody else because they are our parents. We are hard wired. We are biologically wired to want them and to want them to want us. So, I think you got to you got to really be clear, Mariah on what you're willing to tolerate here because she's she's already kind of elbowed her way back in. She got you to unblock her. And now y'all are having this one-on-one conversation. So, if you say, okay, but only if we can do it with a therapist and she's pushing back on it and oh, we don't have to do that or let your husband do it, let your cousin do it such and such and such. Like, I my concern is that you'll start to compromise away all the things, all the protections that you've built up for yourself to the point where your mom is right back in the position she's been in before and you're being hard again and feeling like how your emotions and your experience aren't what's valued or prioritized or important here. Yes, and I agree and can I give you a little bit more context? Of course, of course. So, since I haven't had him blocked her, she, sorry, I'm losing my train to thought. I've actually spoken to my therapist and my therapist has agreed to it and she did say that she will agree to it. However, since this is the first time I'm meeting my mother in so many years, she would prefer me meet with my mother first and then like if we have a second meeting, then I can meet with her only because she doesn't want that therapy session to be the first time that she's like meeting with her daughter for years. I mean, that's understandable and I'm like, okay, that's fair. But yeah, so that's where we're at right now and just to give, just to let you know because you mentioned about the travel. She actually didn't come here for me, but she made it seem like she came here for me, which is another thing I appreciate. And that actually goes back to one of the reasons why I'm so frustrated with her is I get it, like you're here for other things, medical things, whatever and other family members, but that's also like the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. Gotcha. I mean, you always say I'm your only daughter. I'm always reminded I'm your mother. I'm your mother, but I'm like, you know, I'm your only daughter. So you're still not prioritizing me, like even if say she did come here and only for me, I think I would have been more willing to meet her halfway if I knew like this was like the sole thing because I'm also not accommodating her. Okay. She asked me to pay for her trip. Oh, Lord. Other things that I'm just like first of all, absolutely. You were blocked. Right. Right. What if I were asking, but then this is where the West African mother daughter obligation thing comes. So yeah. And I'm breaking that and it's extremely hard. It is. It is. And I think that maybe what is most important here is just acknowledging how hard this is for you. Like it is you're you're doing something that most people don't work up the courage to do is extremely difficult to hold your parents accountable in this way. And you're going up against cultural expectations for, you know, how a daughter is supposed to behave, especially in relation to her mother and all this. So like, you're really going up against a lot here. So I understand completely when you say you are exhausted, I believe you because this is a lot. This is really a lot. At my again, my concern for you is that you're going to get swept up in your mother's tactics and end up losing yourself. And I I understand the the pool here. You haven't seen her in a decade. You haven't spoken to her in a year. Like it is hard to say no, I'm not going to come see you or no, I'm not going to talk to you under those circumstances. Again, this is your mom. But I think we've got to whatever you agree to, you've got to feel solid about it. And you've got to make sure that you can stand on how you say and and be willing or what you say and be willing to advocate for yourself no matter what. And so if that means you and your husband get together and y'all come up with a game plan of like, how are we going to handle this visit with my mom? Is it going to be, you know, maybe the three of us sitting talk first and then we schedule something with my therapist or am I going to skip straight to a mediator, you know, an outside third party that I've never even met, you know, type person, like come up with some sort of game plan and tap into the people that you know, love and support you no matter what decision you want to make here. Because again, I see the emotional pull here. I know how hard it is to be faced with this sort of dilemma. I just also don't want you to end up losing the the peace and the progress that you fought so hard for because you didn't get there overnight and you didn't get there by luck is something that you worked for. So that's really my main concern here. But whatever you decide to do, just be sure you can advocate for yourself in that decision. Well, I really appreciate it. And I've heard my therapist has already told me, Hey, make sure you have your boundaries. Exactly. Yeah. And she was like, um, just because she's because she's already impeding on your boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. So she was like, yeah. That's a, that's a big warning sign. The fact that you're unblocked. Yeah. Yeah. I was so reluctant. Like, I really was not trying to unblock her. I know. Um, I'm fully ready to block her again. Yeah. But I'm a highly empathetic person. So. Yep. And so we just got to direct that empathy to you. You deserve it. You deserve the empathy. Thank you. We can have empathy for your mom, but we need to have it for you first. You know, I agree. Because who else is going to do it? Nobody else but you ever mean. She not gonna do it. Yeah. It has to be you. You have, you deserve it first and foremost. And I'm in that same season right now of my own life directing the energy that I have given to other people and things and ideas and whatever else turning that towards me because I deserve. I need and not just deserve it. I need that attention and care. I agree. Oh, good luck, Mariah. You're you're this is a hard one, but I'm rooting for you. Thank you so much and I appreciate Crystal's couch. And I'm going to go ahead and just also say that I am very proud of you. Oh, thank you. And everything that you have accomplished and the schooling that you did to even create Crystal's couch and do this as a fellow Virgo. I resonate and I see I do see myself in you and I also want to say that you have also contributed to inspiring me to like, I eventually do want to go back to school and get my social work degree. Now, I don't know if I'm going to be a therapist because I've read a lot of work. It is, girl. But I really just want to give you your flowers while we're on here. I'm an avid listener and past 10 years. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. And look, therapy and social work go hand in hand. So social work is also hard, but it's so rewarding. And getting feedback like this from somebody is really priceless. Like, it's just nothing better than to know that you've actually made a positive impact in somebody's life and you've helped them, you know, figure things out in some way. So thank you so much, Mariah. That really means a lot. Thank you so much. Thank you, babe. Thank you. Take care. Bye. Oh, Mariah was such a sweet heart. And you know, parents, man. All right. I think we got time for one more. Who is our last caller? This is Brittany. Hi, Crystal. Hi, Brittany. What's going on? All right. So I am the oldest of five. My mom was a young mom. And out of the five, four of us are grown. And so a couple of years ago, my mom expressed that she was having some issues with work. And she wanted to change up her environment. And I was having my second born at the time. Okay. So we agreed for her to stay home with my little one and I would pay her for work. That worked out fine. And then my sister is now having her second child. And she also moved back home with my mother along with her fiance. And now my mom says she's having some financial difficulties. So, okay, not a problem. We sit down, we talk, but she expressed that she needed more money from me, particularly. And I just kind of like talk to her and I'll say, Hey, why is that? Being your agreement has been working. But is it that you need from me? That's any different? Right. And she was just like, well, you know, it's harder now. I just have more responsibilities anymore money. So I kind of inquired, not trying to get my sister's business. But I'm like, so what is she doing now that she's here with her fiance? Girl, because that was going to be my question. And come to find out my sister is not really contributing at all. My mother also watches her older son. She's now living there. She has a fiance. And so I was like, that kind of feels unfair to me. You know, you haven't deal with this. It's been fine. Why is it that you require more of me and not of her? Yeah. So she says she talked to my sister and my sister expressed that she had credit card debt and she's trying to get a house. And basically, she just couldn't afford to give her more money. And I'm like, okay, that's their business. But again, we had no issues here. So why is it easier for you to demand it from one and not the other? Right. And this has been kind of an ongoing situation with me and my siblings because I have another sister that lives there as well. That is also grown. That's not paying anything at all. Okay. Does the first sister's fiance contribute? Like, what? What's going on? So when my sister originally moved in, he wasn't there first. He was actually away on training because he's in the military. Okay. Okay. So when he came, my mother explained to them that you both have to put in the household. But again, they gave this reason. He has a daughter and he's contributing there. And there was all these other excuses going why it's a hard time helping out. And so then the even more frustrating part comes, my sister, then child was just this past weekend. And my mother expressed that she spent $2,000 to help them with that. Sorry, that was rude. I mean, no, it's the same question I had. Okay. Okay. And I'm like, but you just expressed that you're having financial difficulties and even else on me paying her the biweekly pay that I gave her for my daughter. I help her with groceries, I help her with card maintenance, I help her with everything. So roughly, I'm giving around $16,500 more month while my sister is playing close to $300. Okay. Well, no, wonder how money's not stretching as far as it used to. She got all these people in her house and nobody's paying for anything. Exactly. Well, no, I was just going to say everybody's excuses for not contributing are just life reasons. Like, you have credit card debt. So does every other American you want to buy a house? So does everybody else? Like, you got another kid to take care of? Well, yeah. Everybody has these are regular life things that doesn't mean that you don't still have to take care of where you live. Y'all don't, this isn't free housing. It's not free utilities. Like, there's a cost associated with these things. Absolutely. So I'm currently having my third. Oh, good. It's kind of like, well, when the new baby gets here, you'll have to pay more money anyway. And I'm like, yes, I understand that. However, I'm still not responsible for your household income. Right. Because that's their individual problems. Right. So I guess when I try to come to her and talk to her, she was very defensive. Like I said, she, you know, my mom had me a 14. So she's still young. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, you're my probably younger than me, probably. No, say, no, say, I don't know why I said that. It's okay. So it's kind of hard negotiating conversations with her. She can be very passive. And she can, you know, deflect a lot. I think that when it comes to my sister, she's always made the excuse that she was her only parent growing up. And so she protects her a little bit more. And there's a lack of protection for all of us. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, the context about your mother having you at the age of 14 actually does help me understand a little bit here because I was I was wondering the sort of thought process behind why she seems to be so willing to ask you for money and and is letting your other siblings slide. But it may be that because you're the first born and y'all kind of grew up together. Maybe she looks as you as more of like an equal as opposed to her child. But you are very much so still her child. And I mean, I'm not trying to project any sort of experiences onto you. But hearing her say something like, Oh, well, I need to protect, you know, such and such because I was her only parent growing up. It's just like, okay, you are my parent too. Like what do you mean? Like, and I'm having this I'm pregnant with my third. Like, you want me to come up off of so much more money to cover the fact that like nobody else in your house is working or not even working, but contributing. Like would she rather you put the kids in daycare somewhere? Is that an option? Well, that was the kind of question I was saying. I went to her and I was like, Hey, we're going to make this uncomfortable because that's what it's getting to you. Yeah. Yeah. I may have to put my children in the daycare. You might have to go back to work. Yeah. Oh, right, right, right. And I don't want to do that because I know that you start working for your mental health reasons because she was in child care. That's why I'm so comfortable with her. Oh, it makes sense. But I can't pay all your bills. We already made that agreement. We started this and it was fine. But I don't want to take an income away from her because I know if I put my children in daycare, then that puts her in a compromise the situation. And then I feel like it'll be, well, you, you made my situation this way because she does that a lot of times when decisions, I have to make tough decisions because again, she does see me as her equal lot. And it's like, it becomes shifling. And I'm like, that's not fair to me. Right. You know, right. And I wouldn't be surprised if it's kind of hard for you to stand on business so to say when it comes to your mom, because it is for a lot of us. And you have this extra layer of being your mother's employer, you know, so to speak. And so nobody wants to be like, oh, I'm going to be the one to pull the rug out from underneath my mom and, you know, take away her only source of income. And so now it's a bunch of grown people in a house with no way to pay the bills or anything either. But so you have that side of things. But also you are now a mother yourself. You have a family of your own. You have your own children who deserve to be prioritized and cared for. And so you cannot. It sounds like, you know, if you had Oprah money, it would be no issue to, you know, maybe slide enough to your mom to wear or to your other family members to wear. It wouldn't matter. But who has the budget to take care of their own household and somebody else's? Right. It's just, it's not, it's not feasible and it's not realistic or rational. So what do you think is going to, I assume that when you give birth to the third baby, she's probably going to take on that watching over the third child as well. That's the plan for now. That is the plan for now. I have three months to go. So I'm definitely trying to solidify. Yeah. I'm going to continue. Or if I'm going to make other arrangements. And just like you said, I have, if it's in my will to take care of her, I haven't made it clear that I get. But the issue with that was that I gave her the option. Like, yeah, you can move with me. I'll take care of everything. You know, you can have your own situation, me and one of my other sisters are trying to buy a house that we gave her the option. The issue is that she also has a husband who doesn't. Okay, girl. All right. I'm going to hang up. I'm sorry. What? Just made it clear that if you do this, you cannot bring him with you. Okay. Yeah. I mean, we're not taking care of a woman. We're not. We're not. It's something different. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, how comfortable are you with saying, look, I can handle $1,600, $1,800, $2,000 a month. Like, whatever number is feasible for her to watch your kids and the other stuff that you do, whatever you can real, excuse me, realistically afford. And that is all I have. I, there is no additional money. Like, the economy is in hell right now. It's $10 for a three pound bag of beans, girl. I don't have more than this dollar amount. And so if this is not enough to take care of your household, which doesn't sound like it is, and it wouldn't be for most people, then we're going to have to tap into the other four or five adults living there to take to fill in the gap. Like, how comfortable are you with kind of saying that and really meaning it and and and sticking behind it? I'm pretty comfortable with it. I mean, what we tried to have the finance conversation, my sister actually did walk in and inquired about what we were talking about. And I've clearly said, the finances that you don't contribute to period. The finances that you need to help out with more. But the issue isn't that it's not being said. My mother does not follow through. Right. Right. You know, because yeah, she's so comfortable. Right. I don't even know where she's comfortable doing at this point. But well, she's comfortable asking you. She's comfortable coming to you. Even if you've said, look, this is all I got. She's still going to ask. So I think I would get even more comfortable being like, no, I said, no, the answer still no. You got a bunch of other grown people in your house. I suggest you go to them. Like you you kind of got to it sounds like you kind of got to turn into a broken record about the no. But also it feels like maybe you have some resentment or some other sort of unsavory emotion towards your mom and maybe your sister's because your mother is holding you to a level of or expecting a level of support and adulthood that she isn't expecting from her other children. And that you know, that's understandable if you're like, why are you coming to me to take care of all this stuff when other people like like these are just with the delicate pretty princesses who can't be bothered to to actually contribute to their household like why me and not them. Those are valid feelings to have. It's just important to understand that like you can't make your mom hold your sister's accountable. You can't make her force them to grow up. If she's willing to let them stay in her house for free and and not push them to contribute to the bills, you can't do anything about that. All you can control is your purse. Yes. All you got is like what you are willing to do, what you are willing to give. You can't be like, mama, you got to do this and this or I'll help you out more this time. But you got to make sure that such and such as fiance come through or your husband got to do this. You can't force her to hold anybody else accountable. You can only say this is what I can do. This is what I am willing to work with as far as like this arrangement is concerned. If that's not good enough, then my babies can go to daycare and you can go back to work and and y'all can figure it out that way. But like this is this is it. This is all I have to give. I suggest you treat your other adult children the way you treat me. You know, say that to however it feels, you know, appropriate to say I'm not saying go in there with an attitude of cussing your mama out. But making it clear that like this is be for real. Who has the kind of money to take care of your whole house and all the grown people in it in addition to their own home. Even if I had the money, I don't want to take care of able-bodied adults who could be doing it and simply aren't. Exactly. So I think it's, I mean, you obviously don't want to snatch away this source of income from your mother, but somebody has to put you first. And it doesn't sound like that's going to be anybody but you. Well, like it's difficult because you know, I guess you know, I feel some level of obligation. Of course, you know, she's your mother. After you, you know, she think that we are being home and there are multiple reasons for her to do it other than just watching the baby. But again, I'm just like, you know, when we have these conversations with my sister and she just kind of like waltz away in the middle of the conversation is like, you just going to allow her to just leave? Yeah, you're sitting here pulling out a calculator, I mean, legitimately like, would you hold out the calculator? No. And I say, well, this is what she would pay if you were taking them to a center. And I'm like, yeah, a center where they could have a schedule routine. Right. Meals. And like there's, they're following like a development plan and the kids have less it like their stuff being done. Like, yes, it was supposed to be a win-win for everybody. I save a little money on childcare. You get to stay home and not deal with the workplace. Like, it was supposed to be a win-win for everybody, but you got to be for real. You got to be for real, my mom. I'm supposed to tap myself and bleed myself dry when it's a plethora of adults in your home who simply don't want to grow. No, no, I'm an adult. I'm a mother. I have my own children to prioritize and care for. And I, I cannot take care of everybody else because you don't want to put your foot down with them. No. Well, thank you. Definitely have some stuff conversations that yeah, it's hard. I, I, I've talked to somebody else earlier who's dealing with stuff with their mother and, you know, having the same sort of like, it's, it's, it's not as simple as, you know, just saying these things because these things are, you know, it's like, sure, I know this intellectually, but my feelings are torn because this is my mama. Of course, I don't want to talk to my mama like that. Of course, I don't want to put her in that position. But look, look, look at the options you're being presented with. What are you really supposed to do? Your first obligation is to do what's best for your kids. What's best for your kids is a mother who is at her best. So what, what is going to give you the support that you need and deserve in, in this life? Like asking me to take care of a bunch of other grown people. That would just, that would just piss me off. They would, it really would, girl. I don't know how you ain't cast out your sisters. Oh, it would be some terrible. Not to mention them grown men. Oh, it would be stank. Y'all do not want me. I mean, when it comes to the fiance, we're, you know, me and my mother's husband have been, we've never had a great relationship ever. Got you. But when it comes to my sister's fiance, like, we're not on speaking terms because I'm like, you know, I don't even know how you felt comfortable coming here. Girl, a girl, girl. This is what I'm saying. I'm not going in nobody's house as an adult and just freeloading. Like, I would not even feel comfortable sleeping at night knowing that I could be contributing to the household. And I'm not doing it. I don't understand people like that. I really do not. Yeah. I don't live like that. My sister acts very inside of, you know, and like you said, it's hard to keep my mouth closed because it's her house. And I don't want to disrespect her house at the end of the day. It's like, I sort of just see your robust responsibility to set the tone. So you tell me things like the last time my sister was here, she saved $40,000. Why do you struggle to pay bills? $40,000 dollars. All right. Everybody needs to be realistic. But I have credit card. Dad and I want to buy a house. Who don't? Who don't? - No, but-- - I'm about to say that. And it's just like, oh well, that was just a thing. And I'm like, yeah, so if she did it once, she'll do it again, meaning she's in your house not paying bills because she's sailing to just up and move. - Yes. - You're just allowed when it's to happen. - Right. - But yet, you want me to help you out. - Girl, yeah, I think you have, I think I'm giving you as much insight or guidance as I possibly can about this situation. And let me just also say, I admire your restraint, 'cause I probably would have said something that would still have my system added me to this very day under these exact same circumstances. So I applaud you for your patience in this situation. It is truly admirable, but we can't let guilt get in the way of doing what's best for us and our responsibilities. Your kids deserve, you know. They deserve your consideration above anybody else. - Yes. - Well, I think you so much. - You are welcome, take care. - Thank you. - Bye. - All right, y'all, as we wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's Catch, the family dynamics are a big part of things as usual. And, you know, I'm always with any situation you all bring to me, I'm gonna try to approach it as objectively and as fairly as possible. But sometimes these parents just gotta get the fuck. Be fucking for real for three seconds, girl. Oh, all right, again, that is gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's Catch. If you'd like to chat live with me or if you want to send in a letter to be answered on the show, please send me an email, [email protected]. You can follow us on social media @crisiscouch. And thank you so much for tuning in. We'll see you next week.