Session 35: Calling Crissle

(upbeat music) - Hi and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. I'm back talking to more of you live. This is one of my favorite parts of the show to do. I just love being able to have conversations with you guys and get deeper into your questions. So let's not waste any time. Let's jump right in and see who's up first. Hello. - Hi. - Hi, what's your name? - I'm Chi Chi. Hi Chi Chi, what's going on? - So I would just get right to it. So around Mother's Day. So I spoke with my mother Friday before Mother's Day and Sunday, the actual day of Mother's Day, I called her and I got her voicemail. And so I'm like, okay, she'll call me back. I never hear from her. It's maybe you know, like three days later, I still haven't heard from my mom. And I live in the Pacific Northwest and she lives in like the regional deep south. And my mom doesn't really have a lot of community, which is a big part of our issue right now. And I'm out all the way out here. And so I'm calling her texting her, I'm not getting any response. And finally, I just say, listen here Miss Lady, if I don't hear from you, I'm calling a will for a check. - Because you're not about to have me worried about you. Who do you have out there that's gonna come check on you? And so I never hear from her, even after that, my birthday rolls around on the first. And I finally hear from her. And I say, how have you been, mom? Like what's, you know, what's going on? She is acting like nothing's happened. She's acting like she hasn't ghosted me for weeks. And she didn't know at the time that I knew that she, on Mother's Day, that she was driving to meet her. Has been who I cannot stand in jail. (laughing) And she did not know that added context. And so when we're talking on the phone and she's acting like everything's cool, copastex, she's checking in on me. I just moved and she's like, how was the move? I'm like, it was good. And in my, my gym and I mind, I'm like, listen lady. Let's cut the crap. I'm like, you ghosted me. And you didn't, you didn't respond to my calls and texts for two weeks. I'm worried about you. Right. Hold time. She said, I said, I asked her, I said, how was your Mother's Day, mom? It was just another day. I said, what you mean, it was just another day. She said, well, I didn't hear from none of my kids. I just heard from my husband's kids. I said, I called you sweets. I got your voicemail. So then I realized I'm like, you were, she started, she was trying to paint this narrative. She, because she knows how I feel about her husband and then it's very much so, well, I didn't hear from none of my kids. And so I was like, well, I know you went to visit your husband. As soon as I said something about her husband, you know, it was like, like, need me. My man, my man, you can't say nothing about my man. Oh, Lord. And she blew up at me. I blew up at her for the simple fact that I was trying to get her to understand how hurtful that was and the, how immediately it put me back into my child body of constantly catering to her, her emotional body and her, her, her, yeah, you know, her emotions as an adult, as a only child, or not only child, but as the oldest child. And we didn't speak for a couple of days after that. I said some things about her, her jail, her jailbird that she did not like, she did not like that. And now our communication is so strange because she's doing this thing that she has always done, which is just everything's okay. We don't have to address anything. Meanwhile, my feelings are hurt. And I, I don't have any relationships in my life that are like that where we can just not talk to each other for two weeks and have people worried about you. And then it's, and so I just feel like my, my question is like, I'm in a place where I want to like really write her a letter instead of trying to talk to her because right talking to her activates me, it really does. And I need an apology from her or I just kind of want to go to no contact because it has really, really just regulated me and it has brought up a lot of wounds that I realized I still hang on to. - Okay, okay. So it sounds like your childhood was a little rough with your mom and maybe she didn't have the most stable of emotions and you were trying to take care of that and you were the oldest child. So maybe also looking out for your younger siblings too. And it's very common for the oldest child to bear the brunt of the parents missteps or whatever they may have going on. So it may be that if she was erratic with her emotions that you ended up getting the worst of that. And okay, so very myself. How long have you two not lived in the same place? Oh my goodness, for years, at least five years. But I do, I'm the only one that visits her frequently. Like I will go and take some time to see her. - Wow, and that's quite the flight from the PNW to the sound. - Don't eat with chow, the transfers. And I'm as impressed with the sound. - Right, right. Okay, talk to me a little bit about her husband. When did she marry him? - She married him. I would also say maybe about four or five years ago, shortly after she divorced her long time husband. And this was the last time we were estranged because of the same sort of thing. I was trying to get her to understand that her and her husband had sacrificed relationships, meaningful relationships with both of their children for the sake of their toxic marriage. And I said that to her verbatim and she did not. - I bet she did it. - Hearing that for me, because her thing is always like, you're my child, so like, but she eventually was like, you were right, but we were estranged because I'm not like, and I didn't, I don't foster that kind of relationship in my life and I don't, the ways that she was treating us and herself, I was just like, mom, I, I can't do this. - Yeah, yeah. - And I was just, I think I got, 'cause I was also 30, I turned 30 at that point. So I think I just kind of was fully understanding myself, my upbringing, and I feel like recently that there's been another round of that. - Yeah, okay. So is the husband is currently incarcerated? - Very much so and had been, sorry. I cannot stand there. - Yeah, what did he do? - Yeah. I will say this, when I first met him, it was how I saw my mom behaving behind crying. She was doing things behind him that I was just, that I'd never, I'd never seen in her. And he's a drug addict and I want to be snake oil pastor. And I just kind of, I was just like, looking at my mom, like, mom, what are you doing? - Right. - And I just never saw it for him, never, not once. Because in my mind, once she got rid of the last one, I thought, I thought she's gonna get her passport, she's about to travel abroad, she's about to be on her, he prayed love, like I was really like gagging for her. - Yeah, yeah. - And then you married a nigga in jail and I just, me is like, I want, I want my, I want her to see that she is worthy of so much more than, her value is not tied to how she hold a nigga down or hold anybody. - Right, right, right. - And so it really hurts when I see her behave like that. But then I also, why you gotta go to me like 50? What do you say, fuck me for, like her, right? - So it sounds like seeing your mother act this way behind this incarcerated man that she married is, is bringing up some feelings about her, maybe her previous marriage and how the two of them abandoned their children to stay together in that toxicity. And so it's very possible that you're feeling triggered and like, oh, you about to abandon me again for the sake of somebody who isn't worth it, is just one way of putting it. But nobody is worth more than your children to you or at least they shouldn't be, so okay, okay. So now your disdain for her husband is making more sense. I'm seeing it (laughs) Okay, so you're thinking of writing her a letter. What do you, what is it that you want to communicate to her? - I really, like I was saying before, sometimes it gets really hard for me because I just get so frustrated because there are things that I don't fully, ooh, I'm about to get choked up. There are things that I don't fully say to her out of fear of one it being. necessarily my place, you know. And I feel like it would be easier to just like really give her the like the raw like I know that you behave like this because of this that, you know, and I know, yeah, and I know that, you know, you are worth so much more than this, and I wish that sometimes you would, you would see that and you would really really receive that, but also there are boundaries when it comes to having a relationship with me. And your life and one of those is you cannot just ghost me because you feel slighted and not communicate that to me, and I'm out here thinking that something's happened to you, right, right, whole time you was driving them Southern back roads to go see him. Shackled, right, and talking to his kids instead of yours, and then turning around and being like, well, I didn't hear from my children on my day, girl, because you didn't answer the phone, as you didn't call me back, right, right. Oh, that's so painful. And that's what when, when we talked on the phone, and I realized that I hadn't heard from her because she was, it was some petty like get back because she, right, the narrative she was spending that hurt. And I'm like, you know what lady, I'm the only one that calls you on the, I'm the one that will come and visit you the most, not take that away from my other siblings, but they're all strange. Yeah, and it sounds like for a very good reason, yes, I don't, I don't blame any of them. Yeah. But I also understand why, and I, I would like to communicate that I want to have a relationship with her, but not at the expense of myself, right, right. I understand why your siblings are strange from your mother, and I understand why you haven't yet taken that, that leap because it does sound like you were probably mentified as a child and put in roles that a child really should not have had to be in monitoring appearance moods or emotions or whatever else they may have going on, that's not the job of a child. And so maybe your younger siblings were able to, because you took the brunt of that, maybe they were able to be more like, wow, mommy is really kind of, you know, something, something going, you know, the way is supposed to hear with this dynamic. And you have probably tried to hold on, maybe in the hopes that you would get the mother that you deserve to have one day. And it may have felt when she divorced that man that you were finally going to get that, like, oh, he finally saw, yeah, and now I'm going to get what I, the mommy I always deserved. She's finally away from that man, you know, she going to be on her eat prey love, she going pouring to her kids, she going, you know, do right by us and we're going to be closer and, you know, it's very common for us to kind of get our hopes up in that way. When what we think is blocking the close relationship is finally removed, but what is more commonly the case is that whatever is blocking the relationship lives within your mother. It's her own trauma, it's her own issues that she maybe has never dealt with or is pushing down and trying to ignore, you know, I don't know her story. No, this is very much so feels very much so aligned like we did I did get a glimpse of that when she divorced her last husband and I went to visit her and I was like, oh, yeah, you know, yes, I was like this. I was like my girl like I was, I was seeing her really sort of pour into her into herself. Yeah. And then when the darkness came around, it just came so strange again. Yeah, I understand I think I may have talked about this before, but there was a time where my mother, you know, she, we had this big long conversation and she was like, I just have to apologize because I just really didn't know what to do with the child. I know what to do with the child like you and you were just so special and I, you know, I did things that I thought were right and in hindsight, I guess they weren't and I thought I was just like, oh my God, this is the conversation I've been waiting on my whole life. Me and my mommy about to be close and she started calling me every day, but I noticed that she would only call me to talk about my baby brother, like she would call me and be like, Adam doing this, Adam doing that. And after a few weeks of that, I was like, you know, I thought you were going to, you know, call to talk about me, like about my, to ask me about my life and my job and what I'm doing in New York, you know, like Adam is right there in Oklahoma with you. I live all the way in New York City. You don't have no questions about like what I'm doing, who my friends are, like anything like that. And so I said, you know, if you're just going to call me to complain about Adam, then don't call me and she stopped calling. And when I say I was devastated, because it was like, I had kind of coasted along for years at this level of like, okay, you know, she don't really care whatever. And then we had this moment and my hope shot way up, even though I didn't want them to, even though I didn't even really know that they did my hope shot way up. And so to be let down again like that, it was almost worse than the lower expectations that I already had, you know, so I really do understand the grief that comes from like feeling like maybe now you're going to get that relationship. Maybe now you're going to have that that mom and that that sort of bond with her that you see so many other people having that you know you deserve, but unfortunately every mother is not equipped to be that way. And we can know why our mothers behave the way they do and it still does not change the fact that it hurts. It does not take away the hurt, all it does is provide some context, it helps with understanding, but it doesn't eliminate the pain associated with that at all. So I'm fully in favor of writing this letter, the things that you found it hard to say, detail them out, let it all out. You know, and I mean, email is great, but I think if you're willing to handwrite it, that might be even better than everybody's handwriting is not what is not. So right, so you know you are just chicken scratch, maybe not. But you know just sort of organizing your thoughts, give yourself plenty of time to write this and you know come back to it over the course of several days or weeks if you need to and make sure you get it all out. Say everything that you want to say and it doesn't have to be an ultimatum of you either you know stop acting like this or you know I'm not going to talk to you anymore it doesn't have to be that of course it can be. But it can also just be I've been hurting for a long time since I was a child and I was put in a position of having to act like an adult well before I was an adult. And this situation over Mother's Day where I tried to reach out to you and you were busy with that man and talk it to his kids and then turning around and being like well I don't know where my kids were on the other end of the phone that you didn't answer girl like. And then punish me for that when I was reaching out to you trying to find I'm over here worried sick about you. And you just ignore me because of whatever is going on in your mind like I don't deserve that yeah I just don't deserve it yeah. So I would say get the feelings out if you want to issue that ultimatum that's completely up to you but you can also just say I'm not going to subject myself to being a heart like this time and time again. I would love to have a relationship with my mother but only if she wants to have one with me you can just pick me up and put me down whenever you feel like it. Yes I'm not a toy I'm not a doll I'm your human child that didn't ask to come to this right you chose to have me girl. You only baby you brought me here very much so yeah thank you so much you're welcome to cheat I hope that helps and best of luck to you regardless of how your mother acts know that you deserve the world and I hope you have community support. Chosen family and friends around you who can pour into you and love you the way you deserve very much so thank you so much crystal I really appreciate it you're welcome babe take care. All right bye oh my goodness y'all it's it comes up over and over again because it's so common emotionally immature parents leave such a mark on us and the pain will carry on well into adulthood I have had clients in their 50s and 60s who are like I don't know why this still bothers me but when I was six years old my mom did this or when I was eight my dad did that because that happened at a fundamental time in your life by someone who was supposed to love and protect you. At all costs and who did the exact opposite so if you relate to cheat sheet story I'm sending you so much love. All right let me dive right in and see who's our next caller hello. Hi how are you? I'm good thank you how are you? I'm doing good I'm doing good wonderful what's your name? My name is Sasha. Hi Sasha what's going on? So I recently had to cut off my mom and my brother after my mom kept telling my brother that I was ignoring her and or feeling away about giving her money. So almost two years ago I guess now her 60th birthday was happening a year later so she wanted to happen. a party in Belize context. She's from Belize, she was born there. So she wanted my siblings and I to give her $1,000 towards her party and we had to figure out transportation and lodging so flights and all of that. And about halfway through the year after she told us, six months later, I had to move because I was having issues with my landlord. Around that time she had called me and asked me for like $500 and I told her I didn't have it and she asked me why I didn't have it. From there, I didn't feel comfortable about going to the party as this was like an ongoing transition of those situations with my mother and I didn't heard from her in months and it prior to her needing the money. So now my mother and my mom are brought, my mom and my brother are mad at me because I didn't visit a party essentially. My brother has also been like basically funding her needs. I didn't say this before but my mom currently doesn't work also. So she told me she basically told them that I was ignoring her and now I won't talk to me either because he feels like I'm not contributing when I used to when I was 17 and all of that. So I'm having a hard time pushing past leaving my family behind and I know that he mentioned that something that you went through prior. So my question is basically how do I move on? Yeah. Okay. Well, let's go back a little bit. How long ago was your mom's birthday party? Was it a year ago at this point? It was last November. Last November? Okay. So several months. And did I hear you say you've been contributing financially since you were 17? Yes. So everything's I got a job up until about a couple of years ago. I got laid off for like nine months. So I wasn't really able to help her as much as I was before but I've always had when I lived with her, I had bills in the house and everything. So your mother charred, she made you pay bills when you were a teenager, when you were still in high school? It sounds like I wouldn't say like she necessarily made me but it kind of fell into my responsibilities. So my cell phone essentially was always cut off under her. So when she was paying for it, like every couple of months would be get cut off. So when I got her job, I was like, I'll take it over and I end up taking over her. Got it. Okay. So it sounds like maybe your mother has never been good with money. Is that fair to say? Yes. Okay. Okay. And so then she wanted you all to contribute $1,000 for her party in Belize. And then she also asked you for another $500 sometime after that. And then asked you why you didn't have it. What was your response to that? I don't know if it was like an essentially additional to that thousand. I think she was trying to ask me for an advance on it. Okay. Her birthday gift. Got it. Okay. But I, so when we had that conversation, I was trying to be calm and not be rude because that's essentially what she tells people when I say that I don't have the money to give her. She told one that I'm being rude to her. Okay. And have you all ever had a conversation about finances like an in-depth conversation about money? Um, not really. I really can't have like in-depth conversations about my mom really about my childhood or anything that happened because she starts this conversation about like, why does everybody think she's a terrible mother? Okay. So she's one of the ones as soon as you say anything even remotely critical. It's like, oh, I must be an awful mother. I'm just the worst. So all of my children just think I'm the worst mother in the world. She's, she, okay. Okay. I see. I see. So when you decided not to talk to your mom and brother anymore, was that a conversation you had with them or have you just kind of ghosted? I essentially ghosted because the day that it all happened, I essentially got like a really nasty text about from my brother saying that while I was ignoring her and that I'm like, basically it would help his pockets if I were to help when I didn't know what anything was going on. So I basically, I regret this, but I was kind of angry in my conversation towards her and I didn't really help. But in that conversation, it was kind of like hitting a brick wall and she wasn't understanding how like her actions and telling him that was negative. Right. And she was also kind of ignoring it or saying that she didn't say it. So I basically was just like, I think we're not getting into the same page. So as she said, but I can tell them that I was basically ghosting them. She actually called me yesterday and I just saw like the blocked voice. Yeah. So. Okay. So how do you feel about sending some sort of communication, whether it's an email or a handwritten letter or even having like a face to face or a face time, anything like that? How do you feel about having a conversation with her or sending her a message that basically says, this is why we're not currently in contact with each other and just sort of detailing the way that you feel like every time you try to bring up your issue, she deflects or she tries to make it seem like, you know, she's this terrible person, maybe a guilt trip, that sort of thing. What do you think would happen if you did that? I was supposed to be writing a letter to her. Okay. A while back, but I've avoided it because honestly, I'm scared of sharing my emotions with her. What was it like for you to grow up with your mom? She's a career mother, so it was just a lot of like, I took care of you, you had a photo, you had food in your plate and I also never met her, but I also feel like because she was bad with money a lot of times, it wasn't necessarily truthful that she kind of gave us this life that she says because like I'm talking about always behind on land or there were times when we did have electricity in our household. So any emotions I've ever burned to her, she's kind of like brushed it off. Right. So it is safe to say that even when you tried to come with her about the way you felt about things that maybe didn't have anything to do with money or you know, bills or food or housing, if you just had feelings about anything that she wasn't really very receptive to that either or was she? That's correct. There was a time when I was taking my driver's test and I basically funded that whole situation, okay, my lessons, everything, and at the time I failed my first test, so my second test, I basically needed money to like borrow the car of that from the driver's school. So I basically asked her like, hey, can I borrow your car for my driving test? So I don't have to pay for it. And she's just like, what do you mean, you need to borrow my car? I need my car. And then I'll just never ask her about it. And when I brought it up later on, she was just like, well, what happened? And I was just like, well, I never asked you about it again because you had it. I didn't like the response that I got the first time I asked. So she was like, well, that's your fault because you should have brought your needs to me, but it's just like I did, but they weren't necessarily shown that there would be fulfilled. Right. Okay. And was your dad or a step-parent around when you were growing up or was it just your mom? My dad was around, like I knew my dad, like my dad was in my life, but he also went to prison for five years in the middle of my childhood. So he also knows about like her and money and how she's not great with it, but my dad also passed away like five years ago. Okay. I'm sorry. So I think that's also why I'm struggling with letting her go because it's my own parents. Right. Yes. Okay. Okay. So you've thought about writing this letter, which I do think is a good idea, but you're kind of hitting a brick wall because you don't want to be vulnerable about your emotions. And it sounds like since your emotions never really had a safe place to land with her, that makes a lot of sense. We're very hesitant to open ourselves up, you know, in that way to someone who has shown us time and time and time again, that our feelings are not a safe place with them. Okay. Does your brother still try to reach out or does he kind of just leave you alone? No. He's younger, so he's about 22. So anything that, you know, younger kids like they just don't listen to anything when she made the decision. Yeah. Well, because you are so hesitant as far as the emotions, you know, her receiving your emotions, which I completely understand, I do think a letter is probably, a letter or an email is probably a better idea than trying to have a face-to-face conversation because things can escalate very quickly in person or in a live conversation. And you can sort of be transported and triggered right back to an early childhood age where you're feeling like a defenseless, helpless kid again, when you are not that anymore. The beautiful thing about adulthood is that we do get to make our own decisions. We do get to craft the life that we want to live. And we don't have to remain in contact with anyone who is actively hurting us. So what I think is so great about a letter is that you can put, this is so interesting because I just talked to somebody who is also considering writing a letter to their mother. And one of the things I said to them is that you can put all of your feelings write in that letter and it doesn't have to be a back and forth. Like, it can be, you know, if you, you are wondering where I've been or why I've been distant, here are the reasons. And it's not just about money because it's never just about money. It's also about how I feel when I'm around you, how I feel when I talk to you. It's about the dynamic between the two of us. It's about me not feeling, you know, valued beyond monetary purposes or whatever it is. You may be feeling, I don't want to put words into your mouth, but, you know, there's probably a long list of things your mother has done or said to you that could not, you know, possibly fit in this episode. And the beautiful thing about an email is you can detail all that out. You can make it very clear why you feel the way you feel. And you don't have to have a response from her, you know, it doesn't have to be a back and forth. You can send that off and, and have it be done. How does that sound to you? I think I was so basically thinking about, like, actual response that I didn't think about the fact that she, she didn't have to, like, I don't have to hear her response. Yeah. You can send the email and then block her. You can write the letter and mail it. And then if she mails you something back, you can just throw it away or never open it or burn it or whatever you want to do. Like, you don't have to engage in a back and forth with your mother if it doesn't feel safe to do that. I think this is much deeper than just, you know, a thousand dollars for a birthday trip and things like that. You know, people don't, don't tend to cut off their family members, especially when this is their one living parent. People really don't do that over a one time situation. It tends to be years and years and years of hurt feelings that build up to this moment. Yeah. Yeah. Does that sound like you? Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. So, what do you, do you think that's something that you may consider this idea of just writing the letter and sending it off and letting the chips fall where they may or is that? Yeah. I think if you do that and that, I don't have to anticipate your response. Yeah. I mean, it's clear to me, like I can see that you're, you're tearful and emotional here. This is obviously something that's really hurting you very deeply. So I don't want to just say, oh girl, just write the letter and, you know, fuck whatever she got to say in response. But, you know, like you said, sometimes we don't even consider something as an option until someone else brings it up. Like you can just say it. And, you know, this is your mother, obviously, you care very deeply. And if this has been since last November, is it, is it, how long have you not been speaking to her? Um, November was the party stopped speaking to her around Chabuere. Okay. So it's been over a year? Um, no, February. This February. Okay. So it's been a few months. Okay. Yes. And, and how would you say you felt in these past four or five months or so without being in contact? Um, at first it was fine. Um, I've been talking to my therapist about it because. Okay. Great. Um, as it is going on, she asked me all of these questions like, did you tell them that you blocked them? Yeah. What happens if they reach out? And I didn't have any of these answers because like, I didn't anticipate blocking them. So, right now it's kind of hit me harder because like, I thought she wouldn't reach out right now or at least cared to see that it's been months and it's kind of like, whatever. And she's still talking to my other siblings, like, um, so it was kind of hurtful to me in that right. So, I'm trying to like move on from it and quite nervous has suggested that, um, I consider medication because it's been kind of ongoing, um, that's going to be right with it. Okay. Well, yeah, you. By medication does she mean an antidepressant? Yeah. I mean, you may need one, um, or you may benefit from one, I should say, um, but I did I hear you say that your mother actually called you yesterday, but you just didn't answer the phone? Well, she blocked. So, I just thought, like, on my iPad, I guess it showed like she had caught, like, there was a voicemail. Got it. Okay. And did you listen to the voicemail or. Um, I read the transcription, but it wasn't like anything like addressing anything that had went on, and it was just like, how are you doing here for me, um, wondering how you're doing? It was just like someone like your neighbor could have sent me. Yeah. Yeah. You know what is so interesting about that is, like, after I disowned my father and blocked him and stopped talking to him, I got a voicemail from his blocked number one day, like two years later. And when I tell you this voicemail was, hey, just calling to see how you doing. Call me back. Love, dad. I was like, who the fuck are you? Like, are you joking? You. Now, granted, me and my dad had a big blow up. It doesn't sound like you and your mom had anything like that. But for him to just come back around a couple of years later, giving me a voicemail that was fully dilulu, it was like, girl, we are not cool when you know that. And it sounds like your mom kind of is doing the same thing where she's just like, I'm just going to call and leave a regular, regular voicemail. Like, I talk to my daughter all the time, like, no, baby, shit is not copacetic, right? I think it will. I think it will do your heart a lot of good to get the pain out, to take your time with writing it and express yourself in whatever ways you feel like you need to. I love that you have a therapist, definitely continue to talk to your therapist about this. But get it out, you know, talk about the things that really hurt, even if it's stuff that goes back to childhood. Because again, this is not about this one incident. This is years and years worth of stuff building up. So get your feelings out, express yourself through that email or, you know, however you want to do it. And then you get to be in control over whether you ever read her response. You know, you can block her email address as soon as you send it, like I said. So I think that's a great idea and it will give her some information. And you know, who knows what she might do with that, you know, she could take it and decide to completely change herself in the way she is with her children or she can decide that you're the problem and, you know, blah, blah, this child is ungrateful, you know, who knows? We don't know how it'll go, but we know that you'll finally be in a position to express yourself and it sounds like you've never really felt comfortable enough to do that before. So this is really, this letter is a gift for you to show yourself, like I'm not a helpless child anymore, I'm an adult, and I can make my own decisions about who has access to me. Okay. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome, Sasha. Anything else? Um, no. That's it. Okay. Well, thank you so much for calling in. Best of luck. Thanks. Let me know how it goes. Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hey, y'all. Is it family hour? I got it. You know, I get it. You know, I get it. You know, I get it with these parents. If don't nobody understand, crystal understand. All right. I think we have time for one more caller. Let me see who's there. Hello. Hey, Crystal. Hi. How are you? I'm good. I can't believe I'm talking to you. Oh, my God. What's your name? Nea. Nea. What's going on with you? Okay. So, um, I was going to a pin. Okay. So, I recently graduated from nursing school. And while I was there, I became like friends with this girl, like, she let me use her second car. Um, so the day before my graduation, well, I was on my hair appointment, somebody saw it for the car. I was in the car. I didn't tell her. I know that was bragging. I should have told her, but, um, so the day of my graduation, she, um, it's like a pin in third money, like they just put like a tassel or like those ropes around your neck. And I had one of my other friends from school do it and my friend, that let me use our car. We could just car carry. Okay. She was like visibly upset after the fact, um, she didn't want to go out to celebrate with me or nothing. She said she had something to do. And, um, after I had came back from celebrating, she like popped up at my house because she had my location and she's just like, I'm coming to get my vehicle. I'm like, okay, so I just got my stuff out of it and I ended up blocking her. But, um, I was talking to another mutual friend about it and she tried to make it seem like it was about the car, which I would understand. And, but the thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that she said that our friendship felt one-sided. Okay. No. I was just what, and I haven't talked to her since, so I graduated April 30. You know, we coming up on the end of June, right? - Yeah, so been a while. So I was wondering, like, do you think that our friendship is like worth working out or so to just leave it worth it? - Well, what kind of. Were you all met in nursing school? - Yeah, so I don't know each other for about two and a half years, but we were like real close, like. Clearly, we were too early to see our car. - Right, right. - Yeah. - Okay, and so. Can I ask why you didn't tell her that the car got size wiped? - Right, but I just figured it was like literally a scratch. So I just figured I could just have it wiped out. Which I know, I'll take accountability on that part. - Okay. Okay. (laughs) Okay, and so you asked someone else to pin you at graduation, and she was hurt by that? - Yeah, but okay, so a little back through on that. I was supposed to graduate, like me and her were in the same cohort originally. And I was supposed to graduate in December. So how did I graduate in December? She wouldn't have been able to do it anyway. I just kept the original person who was supposed to pin me. - Okay. - So it's not like it was like none of the spite or anything. - I see. And so, how would you characterize Y'all's friendship? Like, what kind of things did Y'all do together? What was your vibe like together? - Oh, I feel like we had a good friendship. Like, I used to go over her house. She would cook for me instead. That's awesome. Like, we were in the relationship, but no. Like, she's like the host. She likes the host and stuff. Like, so she was just like, if I'm younger and like, she would cook or whatever. - Did Y'all ever go out like to, you know, clubs or parties, things like that? - That's not my mom. - Okay, concerts, anything. Like, did Y'all ever go do anything together? - No, like, we would just like go to the gym. - Okay. - Like, go to parks, go, like just sit each other face. - Okay, okay. So I wanted to just say like, she was just like a kicker friend, but I feel like, well, my whole thing is, I just don't like how she was, how she went to somebody else and that the friendship built once on it. 'Cause she was in a better financial position to me, but I did things to like, that friends do like, at clinicals, I have my boyfriend picking up her son from daycare on days when he had clinicals. - Oh, nice, okay. - Yeah. A listening ear, like, she don't have like, the best family dynamics. So like, she lent on me a lot, like emotional support, stuff like that. And I was always there for her and I type away. So. - Okay, 'cause I was gonna ask where you thought the one-sided friendship comment? Like, where you thought that was coming from? Do you think maybe she thought, oh, you know, I'm helping her out with this car and stuff like that and she doesn't do things. I'm cooking and, you know, inviting her over and she don't do stuff like that for me. - Well, that's the thing. Okay, so one day she was at work and I asked me her like post on Instagram, like she was running late and she couldn't go get a coffee. So I made her a play, I made her a play and I had went and drove and took her some food in the coffee. - Okay. To me, it felt like it was more so about the penning and like everybody else who knows her feel like it was more so about the penning. - Okay. - Because it was another friend who was sitting next to her and she said when my friend got up to pen me, like she stopped recording and she put her phone down and her face just dropped. Like she didn't clap for anything. - Wow, okay. So she was like really is, so the penning thing must be a big deal. Is it a big deal or? Okay. - To me, I don't, I didn't see it as a big deal. - Okay. So it meant a lot to her. Okay. - Maybe. - Yeah. Did the two of you talk about her penning you? - No. 'Cause she just came and got her a car and I probably made a rash decision with blocking her, but it's just like. (laughing) But in one spot, I just like, the one spot in friendship thing that really like rubbed me the wrong way. I don't like when people like try to minimize how you are as a friend. - Yeah. - I said about one thing. - Yep, yep. I completely understand that. I do. And so I agree that, you know, she came to pick up her car and you blocked her. That sounds like what? Like, it sounds like we missed a couple steps there. Like how do we get from picking up your car to blocking? But with this extra context, I think it makes more sense. Almost like, I mean, well, do you think from her point of view, it's, well, I came and got my car and now she don't get to use my car no more. So she blocked me because I took my car back. - I don't really don't know how she made me, but to me, it was more so like, I feel like she tried to take away from my day because like I said, okay, so she didn't say that one side of comments to me. So it's like my other friend told me that. So I don't want to like put her in the middle anything. - Got you. - Okay. - It's just that that really does rub me the wrong way. And it's like, for me personally, if my friends are doing something or saying something that I don't like, I'm going to address it with them. - Yes. - That's likely just wrong. And that's just like the right thing to do. Like even before like, before this, me and her had like an incident where, like I said, she don't have the best family dynamic. So a lot of the times we was friends, her and her sister wasn't cool, but her and her sister ended up like re-kidding their relationship whatever. And I feel like the invitation stopped. Like towards me. So I said something about it. And then she just like tried to flip it around. Like, I don't know how you could feel like that. And I'm like, use my second car. And I wouldn't even let my siblings do that. But I'm like, you kind of missed it my point. But okay. - Yes, it sounds like for you, it's not about the car and for her, it really is. - Yeah. - But also not just about the car. It's also a lot about this pinning ceremony. Like maybe she thought the two of you were so close that you would ask her to do something like that. Like it sounds like you all had a tight bond in nursing school, not like. You know, this is obviously not a best for instance, kindergarten or something like that. But over those couple two or three years, the two of you had gotten really close in that context. So, but if you never had a conversation about the pinning ceremony, that it kind of sounds like the both of you were a little immature here, honestly. Because you know you could have told that girl that somebody saw a swipe tour car. - I'm not over at it. - You turned right around and blocked her. It wasn't no kind of conversation or nothing. So, but then she also is kind of reacting from her emotions. And you know, she's feeling away and not coming to you about it, telling a third person. And now you're in the position of like, well, I don't want to bring this third girl into it and be like, such and such told me what you said. Like, wow, bitch, like I fully get that. I wouldn't want to do that either. So, that's what I'm saying. The both of you have been a little, you could have handled this differently. The both of you. But it sounds like you miss her. How long go did all this happen? - I'm going on two months ago. - Two months, okay. And do you miss her? - I mean, I do, but it's like, not that I like separated myself from the situation. I feel like it's certain to things that we didn't really like align on. But I mean, I'm not like, obviously she was a good friend, but I just feel like O.B. okay. Not talking to her. - Okay. - Because, well, the same friend who told me like she, like you could just be told she felt the way like after the pendant. She said that she had posted something on Instagram. Like she got a brand PTSD. She never wanted to be around another weirdo. - Oh, Lord. Okay, so it would be in dramatic. But it's like she also used to talk about like her other friends to me too. So I'm like, I know, like I already know how you get down. - Yes, okay. So in this situation, it kind of sounds like the both of you have moved on. And you know, it may just be for the best, but I also wouldn't be surprised if maybe you're feeling a little bit guilty about the way you handled things. Or if there's a part of you that maybe regrets the way you handled certain things, and if that is at all true for you, like if you like, damn, you know, I could have told that girl about her side swipe or whatever, like for example, then I would say it's worth it to reach out if only to apologize for the things that you feel like you did wrong or the things you feel like you could have handled differently. But not necessarily like unblocking and reaching out to try to rekindle some big friendship. I'm a big fan of if I feel like I did something wrong, talking to the person that, you know, I feel like I did that too and saying that like, you know, for whatever else we had going on, I could have told you about that scratch. I was gonna try to get a take a care of it and then you found it before I could say something and then I just felt like, damn, I'm grimy for that. You know, stuff like that, I would reach out and you know, apologize for if I felt like I mishandled things in a certain way, but other than that, it's kind of like, yeah, I don't know that if she's talking about friendship, PTSD and all this, then it may be best that y'all just, you know, you got through nursing school together and this was just a nursing school friend and (laughs) and now it is what it is. It sounds like you both have, you know, I mean nursing, I'm sure you got a lot to do, a lot to focus on. So, yeah. - Yeah, you know, you can definitely choose to just leave it where it is and move on if that feels more aligned for you. - Yeah, 'cause I really just don't appreciate that once I did come in, because I mean-- - Mm-hmm. - And I only need that, that would piss me off. - Yeah, it felt like you trying to call me a user. - Yeah, yeah. - I don't know, I just didn't like that. And I felt like she tried to make it more about the car, and it was really about, mm-hmm. - Yeah. 'Cause I had enough heart and a friend to pin me work together, so after that she saw her at work and just walked straight past her, which is about the north part. - Okay. So then it's, okay. So I would, I have the more you talk about this, the more I'm like, yeah, I would leave it alone. Like, if you can't come to me and say, hey, I was really, really heart, even though I never talked to you about the pinning ceremony, I'm realizing now I should have, 'cause I really wanted to be the one to pin you, and my feelings were so heart when it wasn't me. Like, she should have been able to come to you and say that to you without going to somebody else and saying things like, oh, well, I just feel like she not a good friend, and it's one side and it not blah, blah, blah. Like, it didn't have to be all that either. She couldn't handle it much differently than she did. - Yeah, that's my whole point. - Yeah. - I don't appreciate that at all. - I get it, I wouldn't either. So like I said, if you don't feel like there's anything you need to apologize for, I'd be like, my bad, I could have did that differently, then leave it where it is, yeah. I mean, I could apologize, but I mean, I just don't see the point at this point. It's been like two months, like. - But if it's still bothering you, if you're still thinking about it, then it's worth addressing. - But it's okay, so another thing is, I'm like really bad at setting boundaries. So that's like the first time that somebody did something to me that I didn't like, and I just stood on business and cut them off. - Okay. - So I don't know if it's more so that. - Well, and you know, the thing is, you can still stand on that. And you can say, I regret what I did in this way. However, I don't want to be friends. You can say what you have to say and go right back to not talking to her. - Yeah. - I think she blocked me anyway though. - She probably, I mean, she probably has. - She definitely blocked me on social media after I blocked her from my phone. - Okay, yep, yep. So it may be a moot point anyway. (laughs) But you know, sometimes with boundaries, especially when it's our first time doing it, we go from zero to 100. And it sounds like you kind of went that route. But it also sounds like maybe this wasn't the healthiest friendship in the first place. So it really does, it really does. So maybe this is just, you know, lessons have been learned. And in your other friendship dynamics, people you meet moving forward, you'll have a better idea of how to handle conflicts like this. - Yes. - Yes. - Everything is learning things. - It absolutely is. And this is not the end of the world by any means. So you'll be fine. - Thank you. - You're welcome, boo. Thank you so much for calling into the show. - I love you. - Thank you, baby. Take care. - Thank you. - Bye. - Bye. - Oh my goodness, y'all. Friendships, man. We all have them. And you know, sometimes we just hit these bumps in the road and you gotta figure out, is this worth saving? 'Cause it's not, it isn't always. It isn't always, but it's worth asking yourself the question. All right, guys. That's gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystals Catch. If you have a question for me, please send me an email [email protected]. We'll see you next week.