Session 34 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We're back in the studio with my bestie, Jake. - I love you. - I love you. - We can now wait to dive into the inbox and help you all answer some of these questions. The girlies need help. - Yes. - And they have reached out to us, Jade. How you feeling? Are you ready to do it? - They really reached out to Crystal. I don't know if people would actually reach out to me for help, but here I am. - You're right, you know. - It is Crystal's couch, but you're a fan favorite for a reason, girl. (laughing) I'm so ready to get into you all's business. - Amazing. - Who's up first? ♪ Angel of mine ♪ - No Monica. - Yeah. - Remember when you called somebody new Monica? - Lewinsky. Don't forget the whole name now. Don't forget it. - How could I? - How could I? You right. - How dare I? - That's my bad. - All right. - No Monica, Lewinsky says. - No, I brought it back. - Nope, I brought it back. - Okay, yeah, why not? (laughing) - I did that to myself. - No, Angel of mine says, dear Crystal. - Mm. - I'm a 26 year old black gay man trying to survive corporate America while navigating a situation that has grown heavier than I expected. - Mm. - Couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend was hospitalized due to serious health complications. There was a snowstorm that prevented his family from traveling, so I was the only one there. I took three days off because I was essentially stuck at the hospital even though I had already used two sick days earlier that week because I was sick myself. After he was discharged, I returned to work and tried to reset. Then he was re-admitted unexpectedly. This time I worked from my apartment during the day when I could and stayed overnight at the hospital. I offered to adjust my schedule instead of calling out. Before this second admission, my supervisor had already mentioned that I'd taken a lot of time off this early in the year, which didn't sit right with me because none of this was within my control. Now I'm down to maybe two sick days left until 2027. - Uh-oh, damn. - We also have other leave categories like compassion at leave, but the focus has mainly been on my sick time balance and what happens if this continues. - Yeah. - When I asked to adjust my hours after his discharge, I was told that if this extends into next week, HR would be, would need to be alerted to discuss other accommodations. And most recently, when our team was offered the option to work a half day on president's day, I accepted. Only to be told by my director that there was surprise, I would take it given the time I'd already used and that there should be fairness across the team. Well, don't tell, don't give me some shit that I can't. - Right, right, like I got it at first. Well, come on now. - Right. - I understand policies, I understand staffing, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being monitored heavily during one of the most stressful moments of my life. - Right. - Yep, I've offered solutions. I've tried to minimize disruption. I just refused to fill guilty for prioritizing my partner's health during a medical crisis. Am I being too sensitive when it comes to my partner? How do you balance being a committed employee while also being a committed partner when life gets unpredictable? I've been biting my tongue out of fear. I would say something to make me lose my job, but the Morty's bitches keep poking. I might just do it and step out on faith. - Thank you in advance for your advice. - Angel of mine. - Well, Angel, I wouldn't recommend not the fuck at all. - I wouldn't recommend saying some wilding and stepping out on faith, 'cause the faith, like a real shaky out here these days, baby. - I scrolled back to the top of this letter, and said, "I am a 26-year-old blood mother." - There we go, and I said, "Ginzy." - Copy. Angel, you're playing ball-headed games in this economy. And I'm not saying people get to take advantage of you, and you can't prioritize your family or your family setting. But what happens if this nigga's sick and you and you ain't got no job? Then where y'all at? - Yes. So, Angel, that was an insensitive way of saying it. - No. - Oh, okay. - That's very real. It is, I'm thinking about how when we young adults around Angel's age, when you really join the corporate work force, for the first time right, and you're like, "Oh, I got a big girl job." Oh my god, it was like a real job. - Yes. - Okay. - It's weird because you're learning how to balance what you care about with the demands of the job. And I think, "Ginzy very rightly is annoyed by how much they're expected to give to work, especially when work don't really be paying." - Absolutely. - Enough for you to care that, much like I get that. - And companies don't value people enough. - Absolutely. - Like it's a lot of, there's justification for why you all feel the way that you do it. - Yes, and I mean, I share a lot of those same concerns. I just am also of this mindset of, I have to work, like, unfortunately capitalism is, and as much as I don't want it to be, I want us to all have a universal basic income that covers all of our needs. That would be incredible. - Yes. - I would love that. - Oh my god, it would be so socialist. - I feel like I would be a much happier person. - What? - Basic human race for all. - Like, oh my god, is it groundbreaking? But that is not the current society we live in. And so it's tricky because I don't necessarily think you're wrong. Your partner having these very serious health issues, it makes sense that you would need to take some time away or maybe work from home on certain days. I don't think you're wrong for that. I do also understand though that most jobs are gonna act like your job. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - Where it's like, baby, we not even six months through the year, and you only have two sick days left till 2027, like, 2027, right? But also, if you're offering everybody the option to work a half day on president day, don't be like, oh, that was where I was like, now I was on it. - So pride is that you would take it. - Not even trying to set me up. - Right. - I don't like that kind of shit. - Like, if you wanted to offer half days for the sake of fairness, then don't offer it to me. - Don't offer it to me. - But also, angel of mine. - Crystal is absolutely correct. You have to find your balance. - Yes. - But you are disposable. And I hate to say it like that. You're not disposable to us. - Right. - But you're disposable to the work. - To capitalism. - To capitalism. - Yeah. - You're disposable to capitalism. - We all are. - The minute that you step out and say, okay, well, I'm gonna go sit in the hospital 24/7 with my nigga then and y'all can do it. They're gonna be like, okay. And they're gonna pick up their AI generator that has gone through all these resumes. And this is not the motherfucking time to be quitting jobs. I hate to sound like, oh, black lady, whatever, doomsday, but I've been working a long fucking time in a lot of different fields. And I can tell you right now, this is the worst of the worst of the worst that I've ever seen. - Yes. - I've been laid off three time, laid off. - Right. - This is the worst I have ever seen in my life. - As millennials who have lived through a bunch of shit, I've never seen a job market this bad. - Never. - It's terrible out here. - Never. - It is an employer's world. It's like they still mad that they had to give us that little bit of money in 2020. And they are getting it back in blood. - Exactly. - Exactly, damn, man. So if you thought we, if we was disposable then, imagine what it's looking like now as we are also not, you're young, you got a lot in front of you, but do not test the waters when you know that you need the stability. - Right. - Not if it is not impeding on your livelihood, not if it's not impeding on your safety as a person, you know what I'm saying? You're not telling you anything that is egregious. - Right. - They're not, they're not coming at you like you can't do, you can't be yourself, you can't do it. This is, you gotta go to work, my nigga. Like that's, you gotta go to work. - You gotta go to work. - Yeah. You're a supervisor mentioning that you've already taken a lot of time off early in this year. May have been, if you want to read that charitably, like a heads up like, hey, you kind of burning through these hours and it's a lot more year left, you know. And there's a lot of, a lot of managerial staff that would never, ever do that for you. - First, I'll absolutely wouldn't. But I think you said that you feel like you're, you can't shake the feeling that you're being monitored heavily during one of the most stressful moments of your life because you are. - Because you are. - Because they're noticing that you're not there as much. And if your partner continues to be seriously ill or gets much worse, then you may be able to file for FMLA. You should look into that or maybe talk to HR about that because that's protected leave where you can take unpaid time off. FMLA just basically protects your job and says at the end of this, you can come back and have a job. But it doesn't provide any sort of money or anything like that. It's just a way for your job to be on ice while you go take care of your man. But if it's not that serious anymore or not serious enough or you're not in a position financially to take weeks or months off to do something like that, then it is gonna be about like, do you need this job? - I think the other side to this too, when I went back and look, you said your boyfriend's family couldn't make it because of a snow storm. What does this look like? going forward. How does it look like for you all to sit down and make a plan on how to do this equitably? Because you also should not be expected to go to work to have to, you know, you've got things that you've got to take care of. And then to go, if you lose your job, you cannot be a proper support system. So what does it look like to convene with his family again, or some other loved ones and figure out a plan if this is getting ready to be a long-term thing? That's a great point that this shouldn't all follow on you. But also, like, if you lose your job, you're going to need the support system. Absolutely. Because you're going to be asked out. And baby, it's hard out here, like, and I can tell you right now, I don't know who took care of you, who your family is, but I know whoever they are. If you say I lost my job because I was sitting up at the hospital with my boyfriend, they're going to be like, now, what was the plan then? What was you going to do that the doctor's in nurses couldn't do? Exactly. And that sounds so insensitive. It does. Because capitalism. Exactly. All of this is because capitalism is of a white supremacy. But unfortunately at this giant age, I might have taken one day off because my partner had to go to the hospital. I'm probably not taking three days off when I just took off two for my own illness. And then he goes back and now I'm like, okay, I got to work from home sometimes when I'm able to. But this man, because I have been in the workforce and have been doing this so much longer than you at this point, I would have been like, is he stable? Okay, I got to go to work. Unfortunately, listen, a couple of years ago when I was filming Black Kitchen Series. Oh yeah. You know, and me, me and Tristan been, we've been married 11 years. Yeah. Okay. We've been together 14. Yeah. Then it has never gone to the hospital. And as soon as I leave, I'm like, I'm be out this bitch for almost a month. I remember that. He calls him. I remember that. I'm in the hospital. What the fuck? So he goes to the hospital. This for you, too, angel of mine. Okay. He goes to the hospital. It's a whole thing. God, bladder shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right? So I had to ask the quote. I'm like, of course I'm scared. I've never been hospitalized in our whole relationship. Right. The minute I leave, you are. And then, but I did have to ask, I was like, is this, is he stable? Is he like, is it critical? Is it? It was not because he was talking to me. But I had to figure all of those things out because that was going to, that was going to be what I measured in order, whether I need to stop my project in the middle of it and leave and go back. Yes. Obviously, I'm willing to do that for my family. Right. But I had to weigh all of the different things before I made that decision. And I know you and your partner are probably very deeply in love and you all want to hold each other's hands. And it's scary to be in the hospital. Yes. That's scary. It is. And also, it is scary to not have a job, particularly in this particular economy. Right. Right. Because if Tristan was in critical condition, like the hospital called you and said, We had your husband, then obviously you would have left, but you also would have missed out on a massive opportunity and pay and things that have resulted from that opportunity. So that also benefit my family. Right. Exactly. That all because capital is. Because capital is. So unfortunately, angel of mine, I do think you are learning to play the capitalism game and you're realizing how much it fucking sucks. It does. And it does. It does. And I hate to be like, welcome to New York. But that's what it is, no, that's what it is, right? It is. And now you see why the rest of us, we want to fight to have a different system. We want things to be better. Like, we want more people like Zoran Mamdani who is a democratic socialist in office to push more policies for the people. Because these companies and corporations are making billions and not giving a shit about us. It's like, Oh, you can't come to work. That's fine. We'll find another son of a bitch to come in here and like it, whatever fuck you, you can't pay your rent, you can't feed your kids or yourself, oh, well, not our fucking problem. You know that it's, it's really trying to be happy, under an oppressive structure. Yeah. Finding a balance. Yeah. It really is about that. So I should be so overjoyed that that Mamdani was able to get universal pre-K 3 throughout the city. Because so parents could go to work so that kids could go to fucking school, that's so parents can go to work. Okay. I should not be so hype about that. But I am because so many other people care, even less about me or well be exactly. You're just getting a really rude awakening right now to the realities of, again, love. I have been laid off three times. I got laid off in the first recession. I got laid off in the shift of the music industry when everything went to streaming. Yeah. I have been laid off across the Gambit and it just fucking sucks. The workforce sucks and there's nothing better that we can offer you to that, except fighting your joy and finding your balance. Don't cuss them people out, do not cuss them people out. Because also what you, you don't know how many people know people as well. Yeah. You do not want to do a shoot yourself in the foot in a job search elsewhere as well. Yes. And I'll say this, you might be thinking I need to go work somewhere else. This is going to be pretty standard across the board and every employer. Yeah. Yeah. This is, unfortunately, I didn't hear nothing so egregious. This is normal American workplace culture. You're going to rarely hear somebody be like, your boyfriend is sick. Oh my god. I'm sorry. Take out the time. Take out the time you need. Oh yeah. No problem. Yeah. That is, that is a trick. Yeah. Right. That's a trap first of all. And they don't actually mean it. No, they do not. Because if they did, then nobody would come to work and they would just get paid. Look how they start shitting their pants after motherfucking COVID and they're too much free time, office, three days a week, like, yeah, you, you, you can't, this system is not done yet. So you just have to learn how to work within it. She's right. Good luck, baby. But do not quit that job. Don't quit that job. All right. Who's next, Jay? Whiz Khalifa. Wonderful. You're welcome. Crystal, I have a specific question for you. Okay. I have followed your progress through your mental health degree and the life experiences you have shared on the podcast as someone who has also experienced childhood abandonment. I was wondering if you could share what has helped you overcome those challenges, both from an academic perspective and personally. As a licensed professional counselor associate, I often provide a guidance on how to cope with abuse and neglect. However, I find that my own relationship with my absent father still affects me regularly. Yeah. Any insight you could provide would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for everything you do. Best regards. Whiz Khalifa. Oh, whiz. Both of you to assume that I've overcome those challenges. Jay, so I wasn't going to say bitch, I am still struggling between eyes that make up. Tell me you. Go ahead, please. Unfortunately, the effects of emotional abuse and neglect in childhood tend to linger throughout one's life. And although I've put so much work into this, yeah, I'm still dealing with a lot of that. I'm doing much better. I don't cope with drinking alcohol anymore. Thank God, we all know my alcohol problem was nothing fun or cute. But I still am struggling to consistently take good care of myself. I still am, you know, I find myself being triggered or Frank calls it time traveling, which I think is so cute. And especially in the realm of dating and romantic interest, it's like, unfortunately, I do still have some lessons to learn. I am still healing in a way from what I was taught to expect or to appreciate or to even want out of a romantic dynamic. So I say all that to say I'm very much so still affected. I've just done a lot of fucking work. So I'm in a much better position now than I ever have been. But yeah, overcome, I'll let you know when I have overcome those challenges, baby, I'm still ha ha ha. I wish. It's like every day I feel like I'm juggling, like what am I actually going to be able to do successfully today? I don't know. We'll see. The only thing I get right every day is taking care of Laney Laney Laney gets her walks, Laney gets her food Laney goes to and water. She goes to daycare. She gets so many loves and snuggles and all that. The rest of it, child, did I vacuum the house today? Did I sweep? Did I mop? Did I cook a healthy dinner? Did I go outside? Did I go to the gym? Did I call a friend? Did I journal? Did I bitch? I'm so rarely doing all of that shit. That's true. If I call, I'd be like, did you eat today? She'd be like, I have some rice and eggs. You know. Well, at least I ate today. Okay. Relax. All right. All right. All right. So, yeah, I do think that going to grad school helped in a huge way because I had so much more understanding for how I got to where I am and so, you know, how other people end up where they are. Like, it definitely increased my knowledge and which increased my empathy for myself and others. If you're asking, you know, how I've made any progress, it's just from having an excellent therapist who I've been seeing every week, I don't take summers off. We only take time off when she needed. I never canceled with that lady. I'm locked in with her every week. I love that lady and I've never even met her. I go see her on a regular basis and I have been very, very privileged to be able to do that. So, that is how I have gotten from, you know, the girl that most of you met back in 2013 to now, it's just been that daily work. My therapist helped me see things that I had not seen clearly before. She helped me change my way of thinking from something that was really hateful in me into something that's compassionate and has empathy for me and the things that I've been through. And all of that has very slowly had an effect on my real life and my behaviors and things I choose to do, but what are your views on radical acceptance? Radical acceptance is great. When it comes to something like this with who do I call them with whiskey for? With whiskey for yeah. With, you know, this absent father in struggling with that. Yeah. Well, again, you being able to hold the fact that two things can be true is so important. But for me, it took a long time to accept a lot of the realities of what I've been through because it wasn't fucking fair and so I shouldn't have to accept it because why would I? Why would I accept it when it shouldn't have happened and I deserved so much better? And that resistance is real and you have to feel that, but you do hopefully get to a place where it's like, I did deserve better and I have to accept that I didn't get it and I will never get it. And there is nothing I can do all the work now. And that's important to know you're not helpless or hopeless because that is the childhood you have. You can rebuild and rewire your brain and all that moving forward, but nobody can snap their fingers and give you a redo on childhood. This is why I stress the importance of people growing the fuck up before they have children. I mean, that would be the best time. Second best time is right now, but yeah, it's a hard pill to swallow because what the fuck you mean? Why should I have to accept that when them niggas did me wrong? You are not wrong. And then also that resistance after a while is so hard on your own spirit. Yeah, it gets in your way. And I'm only human, exactly, of course. So like, yeah, I'm not always going to get it right. I'm not going to heal right. Nobody is healed. It's be clear. Not only you only healed. If you think you healed, you ain't, well, no, nobody's healed. Nobody is 100% healed. Well, you're a human and you ain't perfect. Well, I don't think healed means perfect. What do you think it means? I think healed means you're at a place where most of the time you do what is best for you. Sure. People call that heal to though. Well, it really depends on what you've gone through because if you're starting from a place where you grew up with a bent, okay, or a crack, I was thinking more abandonment and emotional neglect and things along that line, but okay, yeah. If you're starting off at a place where you were coping by, you know, drinking too much, getting high too often or for too long, eating too much, being sexually irresponsible, shopping, spending money recklessly, there's all sorts of ways that people cope with the emotional difficulties that they have. When you have done enough inner work to where you're not hurting yourself anymore, that you're able to have a balanced, measured approach to life. You wake up feeling happy or at peace and you're able to execute the things that you need to do that are best for you or your dependents, even when you don't feel like it or you're not in the mood, when you're privileged enough to have enough work, life balance, like this is the thing. I don't like using the word healed either because so much of healing is not even really about the work. It's about having the opportunity to do the work, right, right, right capitalism always goes back to. It really does. It does. Always go back to that. So because I think about, I think about addicts, right, they're always addicts, they're just sometimes they're in recovery. And so I feel like a person who has done all those things that you said, I'm like you still in recovery because you have the, you are a person who can always end up back in a space. That's not calling something on somebody, but it's just like, you have the ability to do that. That's why I feel like people who say that they're healed are snooty and ego-tistical. That sounds like a very AA type of perspective of like, all right, well, I've had a lot of crack in my family. There we go. And that does make sense. That does make sense. And I know that for a lot of people, if you're dealing with substances, especially, it could be very useful to say, I'm an alcoholic, even if you haven't had a drink in years, because if you know that having one drink will lead to you having 10 drinks that same night, then sort of reminding yourself, like, that's a line I don't cross because I can't handle it. That can be very useful. A universal thing. Okay. That's not for everybody. But I see what you say in. You see what I'm saying. I do. And it's real. Your niggas are healed. All right. Yes. Hope that helped with Khalifa. I'll let you know when I'm over there. I'm a hawk, baby. In the meantime. Not there yet. In the meantime. Still letting holes play with me. You deserve some light for your heart. Indeed you do. All right. Who's next? Josephine Baker Shoes. Love you, girl. She says. Remember, bakers? All right, Pete. It's bakers still around. I don't think so, but that's why I said Josephine Bakers Shoes. The youth will never know they won't. That was a very specific reference. Bakers is where you could get shoes for the club and work. Bakers was like, one step down from Aldo. Yeah. And I don't know why, but yeah, maybe right there with Steve Madden. Yeah, 'cause I think they both kind of copy off somebody else's designs. Yeah. Exactly. So maybe they're right there with Aldo. Right. Yeah. Right. What a time to be alive. Man. Oh. Them early odds. Josephine Baker Shoes says. Hey, Crystal. I had a close friend named Sally. Through our friendship, she met another friend of mine. Kathy. They started dating quickly. Ooh. Les Beans. And I didn't hear from them. That's all I did. Make sense. They went into their little lesbian, okay, they're a little, you're, uh, they moved it. They moved it with each other within about a minute. Of course they did. Happy Pride. Moved out of stay and back and even got engaged. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed they were in that new love phase where they were just deeply lesbianily immersed in each other's lives. Correct. And that I'd surely get an invite to their wedding when they came up for air. But eventually Sally accused me of being upset with their relationship. This was shocking and untrue. Yeah. I later found out that Kathy had a crush on me. Ooh. But instead of having an honest conversation, uh-oh, where's our girl from earlier? What was her name? They cut me off and labeled me the problem. Of course they did. Now that I'm removed from it, I see I have blind spots. At a certain point, Kathy seemed to have been interested in my friends, not just friendship with me. Looking back, I wish I had better boundaries. This has made me reflect broadly on all of my relationships. I often give too much without it being reciprocated. Friendship fills emotional gaps for me since I don't have family pouring into me in ways I think humans need or at least in the way my soul needs. I like that. For example, I'm currently mothering my mother who abused me in my developmental years. My father only reaches out when he needs money. I told him to stop asking me for money and I haven't heard from him in two years. The rest of my family views me for my utility and not my humanity. No one in my family can love me without conditions just because I exist. Yeah. So I search for that in friendship. I'm trying to build healthier ways to connect with people and trying to address how I approach current and future friendships. So my question is, how do I protect my loving nature, set boundaries and avoid being taken advantage of again? Josephine Baker. Bye icon. I feel like JB doing it someplace. She be picking names that are related to the letter even though she don't be trying to but she be doing it It's the witchiness. It is. It is. It's the who will love it all. It is. Oh, Lord. This is messy lesbian shit. Well initially it's messy Lesbian shit and then it's like and then it got into something real, right? Yeah. Yes, so It sounds like you're very self-aware first of all that You know you look for family in your friendships. And there's nothing wrong with that I mean, I have been very Extremely fortunate to find that in my friends as well and you You're able to Identify like what's going on with your family and why they're unable to Help you what really jumped out at me here is like how do I protect my nature set boundaries avoiding taking advantage of again Right after you said I'm currently mothering my mother who abused me in my developmental years. Yeah What's what's that about you said a boundary with your father and then he just stopped calling which which good I mean Yes, I don't even like that. I'm sorry. I came out much more Don't quite I tell you to stop calling me if you only need money and you stop calling me my feelings are hurt But also I am clear right yeah, because and and we're clear because all you were looking for over here was a Venn mowark asha And like I'm your fucking dog your utility like you said and not your humanity But I would say you know your focus on your friendships I would ask you why you are mothering your mother. Why are you doing that? That's tricky right? That's tricky. What do you what do you what do you mean by tricky? Back to our conversation a couple of weeks ago. Okay Where I was in the same outfit. Yeah Thank you That load bearing beam. Oh, yeah, sometimes it needs to be destroyed sometimes the house needs to be completely flattened and rebuilt and I think some people Find some kind of way to to work around those load bearing beams as well And don't choose to flatten the whole house. Yeah and Not it's not my it's not my place to have an opinion on which way somebody chooses to go But that's such a tender space right the mother that motherhood. I am also wondering the same thing Yeah, my thing Josephine is like we can definitely focus on your friendships giving too much without it being reciprocated. However If you if you see a therapist One thing that they are trained to do is point out where we're contradicting ourselves and maybe don't even realize it You want to protect your loving nature and set boundaries and avoid being taken advantage of You might want to start by withdrawing your support of somebody who abused you and your childhood Now I don't have all the details here. That's that that's the that's the part that's hard But it is worth it's really worth considering because I I hope take care of my mother. I help support my mother. I do not mother my mother I have been open with her about my journey in therapy I have strongly suggested multiple times that she go to therapy She has chosen to not do that and I have washed my hands of it because that's a grown woman and she can make her own decisions However, that also means that I have to be realistic about the nature of our relationship I am not taking on the Responsibility that I see a lot of other women my age during where it's like oh, I see these posts all the time on tick-tock And threads where it's like anybody else in their thirties and forties mothering their mothers parenting their parents fuck. No I am not taking on that responsibility. You know why because I need that energy Because I have to repair it And I have a daughter at home who needs my energy who needs my time and support who is my actual dependent You know who I owe that too. So no, I'm not going out of my way to Mother my mother and try to get her to do the right thing and take care of herself and be where she's supposed to be it I'm not I'm not doing all that this was before she got very sick and even now. I'm not taking on that level of responsibility for her and I'm completely at peace with that I because I need that and I think that's where I think this is is this sub I actually I agree with you And I think that's a beautiful point that you said earlier I'm just wondering is this at all nuance like how does this the whole conversations nuanced yeah and you know like what I don't know if this lady's incapacitated like we You need a context episode no we don't we really do not because people can take what resonates and leave what doesn't you right And I mean I highly doubt Josephine is gonna listen to this and be like fuck my mom. I know speak it to that bitch again You know, I'm not saying that I'm obviously not saying that and I mean and I don't feel that way about my mama, you know, I told y'all I just I just spent my own money to fly us to Texas to get her set up you know because she needs that support and care. It's not you just have a balance in how you yes and also what and And pouring more into yourself and the things that you did not get as a child right making sure you give them to yourself Yes, and I think that's what that is what immediately jumped out at me from this letter because of my training as a Therapist of like hmm. It's interesting that you want help with protecting your peace and setting boundaries and All that and at the same time you are willingly subjecting yourself to taking care of the woman who you say abused you Yeah, that's very interesting. It's really worth your time to sit with that and Decide like is this really what you want to do or do you feel some sort of sense of obligation and where does that come from? A therapist can absolutely help you work through those things, but You know the things you said about your family here. I'm not surprised that you're looking for something healthier in your friends Not at all and good. Yeah, because you choose your friends. You don't choose family. Right, but you can choose if you communicate with family You just can't choose that DNA. No, you can not but whether The nature of your relationship with them and how much effort you're willing to put into it that is completely up to you Once we reach adulthood. So that is where I would actually encourage you to start looking But I do also want to say you asked how you can avoid being taken advantage of again. Um, I think the most obvious way is to be stricter, but with limitations I don't know what all happened You know with Sally or Kathy you said at some point Kathy seemed to be more interested in your friends and not just you and you know Whatever other stuff that you feel like look, we forgot about them hose because they don't even matter You're saying you know looking back. I wish I had better boundaries and all this that's the thing I I let people fuck up, but you're not going to keep doing the same shit over and down exactly That's what you're not going to do at that point I have to distance myself from you emotionally physically whatever else because you cannot have the same level of access to me when you've Demonstrated over and over again. You don't know how to treat me So I you probably need to be a little bit Strictor in that regard with your friendships. You don't automatically cut people off. You don't want to go too far But you also don't want to be a doormat where people just run over you and and do whatever they want to to you over and over again I've been both of those and I'm very excited to now be in like a healthy middleware. I'm not doing too much in either direction, but Yeah, babe. I would recommend seeing a therapist if that is at all accessible for you, but You're trying to build healthier ways to connect with people really investigate that relationship with your mom and why you're doing the That is a good point. That is a really good point actually Because you can be in communication. You can be in community and have a relationship with her without mothering her That's a big one. I'm like, what are you doing? Is she living with you? And right and I mean you could be Completely taking over her care. You could just be providing emotional insight and guidance. Whatever it is It's it's very tricky to the to the psyche Cuz your body is like what the fuck are we doing? You providing all this tender loving care to somebody who abuse the shit out of us. Are you bitch? Are you well? That it will fuck you up. It will that will fuck you That will really confuse you up in your friendships and your future relationships And that will mess you up if you don't find the balance in all of us. Yes So that's where I would start if I were you Jo Jo. What do you think Jay any other advice? insider. No, I think that was, I think that was, you gave really great advice. there okay well wishing you the best of luck baby girl still requesting that context episode out of my pure nosiness um next up one more letter please Jane oh let's just call her Erica Campbell I'm shocked you didn't put soup at the end of that I've been doing it to myself at this point man Erica Campbell soup says cream of chicken hey crystal I want to go no contact with my younger brother because he physically hurt my mom oh shit okay what happened girl but I don't know if that's the right thing to do all right let's get a little context it's Jade's favorite details okay don't give me no CTS story I'm 28 and the eldest daughter of four on my mom's side I have 21-year-old twin brothers in a 20-year old sister because of the age gap and being in an African household I'm essentially a second mom oh I know that we both know we I feel you sister immediately one of my brothers King is an asshole and always has been he was the twin that hoarded all the toys light about who made the mess and watch his brother get whoop for things he did all the bad seed we're gonna call him rota not King fast forward to today he's constantly making bad decisions failing classes overspending and being argumentative when we try to address these issues or even when we give him advice that he asked for I live out of state but every time I call home it's a new story of some fucked up thing he did to my mom or siblings my mom and I have tried tough love and we try being more understanding I try really hard to be supportive and kind because I feel like he needs it and he's been through a lot his dad my step-dad died when he was nine and he's always struggled in school due to learning disabilities including ADHD but he has officially crossed the line and I think I'm done with them last night I visited home and my mom brothers and I were catching up on family things then my mom asked why rota has been using her car without permission to do door dash but he then he admitted he was wrong but also tried to justify being dishonest my mom gets tired of going back and forth with him and feels like he listens to me more so I tend to step up and challenge his flawed reasoning and try to impart some wisdom this conversation quickly escalated to my brother yelling at and standing over my mom snatching her car keys and taking her car and speeding off he ended up breaking her finger in the process oh no we called the police to be on the lookout for the car but he made it home in his own around 2 a.m. we were all pretty shaken me especially my mom was just tired in every sense of the word and didn't even want to get her finger checked out even though it was very swollen and painful I'm livid and deeply triggered my step-dad was physically abusive towards both my mom and me from when from the time when I was eight until he died when I was sixteen oh no rota and my other siblings were very young when the abuse was at its worst so they don't know anything about this I struggled with PTSD and spent nearly 10 years in therapy my mom has also had a lifetime of abuse but is still the kindest person seeing rota yellow and put hands on my mom put me in a dangerous headspace and I know if I tried to stop him I would have taken out some deep-seated anger and trauma on him after hours of thinking terrible thoughts about rota and how to retaliate I have just landed on disconnecting I want nothing to do with him it feels right spiritually and emotionally but feels wrong logically he's a neurodivergent troubled young black man this is all in quotes I'm a mental health nurse and researcher that focuses on black mental health rota was actually arrested the same day I defended my PhD dissertation my work says he needs more chances more resources more support and less police incarceration yes but for me I don't have it in me to be there for rota after this I can't even look at him is it okay to cut them off in this situation what are some other options or ideas thank you for any help you can provide Erica Campbell soup dream of chicken first of all I'm sorry that Jay changed your brother's name from King to rota I I'm so sorry she did that rota was a serial killer I don't know why rota was a bad seed she was a sociopath right because of her seed her foundation she inherited it so anyway why would you point it out because this niggas a bad seed now with reason yes there's reason no excuse but reason well but you you're doing bad things I mean we don't we actually don't know that like I mean it he may be rota ish so perhaps but I think in in this email it's less about why your brother behaves this way and more about you and your mom being the fuck over it and needing to find like ways to move forward it sounds like your mother is still supporting him which if he's only 21 that makes sense yeah he's probably still living in her home and all that and you are really stuck between like what I want to do versus like the literature the research what I know is best for him and all that as someone who has been there right and as someone who shares this experience I will just tell you right now all that book learning is great it really is it absolutely serves a purpose and just because you need that support and resources and less police and incarceration does not mean I have to be the bitch to give it to you absolutely not actually so I would I think what I would do is actually not even focus on my brother but focus on my mother um mama he been like this his whole life he has a twin who don't act like this so that's very interesting right that's why I said he might be rota ish this could be you know sociopath tendencies that he was born with but what is your mother willing to do there's also that because a lot of times our mothers our grandmothers our aunties when we see shit like this and we got a rotten ass fucking brother or cousin or uncle or whatever the case is yeah as much as we want to protect those matriarchs yeah we also have to step back and realize that sometimes they enable that behavior most of the time they enable that and that's a really frustrating space to be when you're watching somebody you deeply love yeah be abused and enable the abuse yes and enable the behavior that has caused the abuse in the first and get mad at you for trying to protect them yeah I've seen this time and time again so many time and time again so many times right and your stepdad had a history of being abusive I wonder if your mother hasn't endured so much abuse throughout her life that she's just like this is just one more person which is horrible which is saying you gave up you tired right yeah and of course you tired because you've been through a lot of bullshit god only knows what she saw what she's seen throughout her lifetime but you're I think your main concern here is not even your brother I think it's your mom and I would absolutely you said my mom has had a lifetime of abuse but is the kindest person right so seeing your brother yell at her put hands on her broke her fucking finger because we asked why you was taking the car without permission to do door dash like when you apologize on my behalf of the be I didn't I'm not I don't apologize yeah no no no don't I didn't apologize on your behalf I said I'm sorry that Jay did that I didn't say Jay was sorry really if you don't have it in you to be there for for a king after this that makes complete fucking sense because king's being a dickhead yeah and if I talk to him which I can't say that I would not probably would actually I would probably call up my brother a text or something like that and be like you don't really get it because the law and God they hands on your ass yet yeah but keep going the way you going and you gonna have real fucking problems that mama can't save you from yeah because I'm about to break your your ankle because this is the kind of nigga you got to break his ankle to teach him a lesson you got to and if he don't learn it after you break his ankle I don't believe in jail but you might got to go to jail for a five minutes I don't know because well if he's act he's been acting like this all his life he's 21 and being a minutes it is a matter of time before he end up in the back of a police car and the reason and what you said earlier is what always sticks with me when it when it comes to people who were abused witness abuse uh-huh grew up in very unsavory and unfair conditions right you got a twin brother who don't do all that yeah so this is a reason but it's not a motherfucking excuse it absolutely isn't and did you see is God is not yet oh well I won't spoil it I don't care about spoil well I won't spoil it for the audience well they shouldn't be the issue but I will say there is a there's a very similar dynamic in is God is where there's an abusive parent and there are twins and one of the twins has picked up that abusive nature and the other hasn't and so it really does go back to that question of nature versus and that's why I said he might be Roda ish like it might be he could be a balance he could really be some Roda some nature and some nurture right that happens with a lot of people his father was abusive to you and your mother and even though they were too young to have really seen that or to remember any of it he clearly has those ways yes and so you don't live there I'm sure your mom and your siblings are your other siblings are your top priority but what your mother is willing to do is not up to you no I would be offering to send my mother to therapy or help her find a therapist yeah not even just for this son because she has endured a lifetime of abuse and needs some fucking help right yeah people who have been who have been chronically abused tend to have extremely low self esteem a very poor sense of self worth and they can be like you said the kindest people to each other and still at the same time don't really see the value in themselves so I would be offering to set my mother up with some sort of mental health support um however I could but I baby the question of like is it the right thing to not talk to your brother I would tell him you're actually very fortunate that all I'm doing is not talk to you you're extremely lucky nigga because I want to beat your ass with a pillow I want to stop you from breathing but I'm not going that far this is what I'm saying but I'm not going that far I'm not I'm keeping it cute because you're my mother's child you my brother or whatever yeah but this behavior no we're not tolerating that he needs he absolutely needs all of the support and resources and help that you talked about is he willing to get it have you had one conversation with your brother about it you have the other twin say well I'm just so curious yeah I handle him that's a good question I would I would really want to um get the perspective of your younger siblings just to see where their heads are at to see what their mind spaces like having a brother who they've grown up with who has acted like this all this time but because you're the oldest and you have a bit of a different purview they right there with him on the age yeah and like you know so I'm just curious and you're also a mental health nurse a researcher you have your PhD him getting arrested the day you defended your dissertation is just like hmm well couldn't get more stereotypical eldest immigrant daughter versus son who's allowed to be an absolute hell yeah right like it's just so stereotypical what omega is rota he might be he might be does that mean that he does not deserve some um if if some remorse was expressed and like a change does he well right so you can't help anybody who doesn't want it no that's why I would say if you haven't had one conversation with your brother about mental health support and something is seriously wrong and I want you to get the help you need then I would be willing to do that yeah I'll be willing to say now you know I got my PhD in this I work in mental health services I see things in you and I think that we can and you know if you're willing to go I would like to set you up with a referral to see somebody who specializes in personality disorders anti social personality disorder is what jumps out to me from this behavior yeah yeah which can be is it can't that be can't that be nurtured as well I believe so I believe that that can happen as a result of you know shit in life and I think there is also a biological element to it right um but either way if you are willing to seek treatment and you can find the right service providers these things do uh they can be managed but it's going to take time it's going to take a lot of fucking effort from your brother and he's going to need to want it and if he hasn't actually suffered real consequences yet because your mom was like yes he's a piece of shit but that's my baby that's that that's that uh that is that then be glad you don't live there sure that deep deep deep intersection of like is this my fucking business I love this lady and this lady is bringing the shit on herself right and this is not just about your mother because like I said I feel like I just talked about something very similar to this five minutes ago I feel like yeah so many love one in my own family I'm I literally thought of a scenario where I'm like two brothers yeah one went off the deep end and has a lot of diagnosis but also has just done a lot of bad things because of that yeah and the other one has chosen not to and what do we do in these situations how do we deal with that and so we pray your peace Erica Campbell soup I mean I do and I I just want to reiterate that all you can do is all you can do yeah you have this incredible education you have this work experience you know a lot about mental health and what people need and you can identify what's going on within your family you can offer that support to your mother and brother you cannot make them take it no and wrote a might just need to learn some lessons and suffer some consequences might but again baby the the the prison pipeline he is heading down that prison super high oh no no no like fast of course fast Bronco style okay MPH Bronco and I don't want that for him at all but I that nigga needs a wake up call yes and that's just that and I would probably stress that like I'm willing to get you some referrals get the help you need because I don't want to see my baby brother in jail for the rest of his life exactly so good luck as you tried to navigate things but don't take on the responsibility of healing your family because everybody's healing as individual is up to the person all you can do is help try to point them in the right direction you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him think hmm all right that is going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's couch Jayde of all Jay we have to have Jayde for pride obviously follow her online ad Jayde of all Jayde check out her podcast getting grown and Jayde next day available wherever you get your favorite shows and follow us Crystal's couch online we're at Crystal's couch and if you have a question for me please send me an email baby advice at crystal's couch.com all right see you next week