Session 32 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. You already know what time it is. Jada Balljays back in the studio. - Pranked for change, please. (laughing) - She is back to help me answer more of your letters. We've been letting it build up in the mail bag. You know, we've done a lot of interviews lately. We've done some live calls. You say, "Let's get back to, you know, "the basics." - Yeah. - The things that built the show day. - Period, you know? - And I love going through the inbox and reading your letters. So we are gonna dive right in today with Jade. Jade, who's up first? - Tupac Shakur. - Period. - I was really based off the first line of this letter. Dear Crystal, my lifelong best friend is falling down the internet conspiracy theory pipeline. And I don't know what to do. - Oh, no. - One of the first deep internet conspiracies that I ever went down was Tupac conspiracy theories. - And the Illuminati. And they still believe Tupac is alive. - Yeah, he's in, you know, the Bahamas or-- - Belize or something. - Belize. - Y'all been singing show. (laughing) - He's always been in the Caribbean. That hologram Tupac, remember that? - That was deeply disturbing. - That was so, what was that? Coachella. - That was Coachella. - Because they had that nigga on stage. - So scary. - But what's up Coachella? - Yeah. - And I said, "Oh no, this is a devil." - And I don't even say that. - And that was right before AI. - That was right before the AI was brewing. - Yeah, we should have known. - We should have known. - Is that a form of it? Anyway, I'm so sorry Tupac. - Getting back to Tupac. - We are 37 year old black women who have been friends since the third grade and closest can be without being blood. That's why it's been so concerning to see her start to share videos in our group chats from corners of the internet that have me wondering what the fuck is going on in her algorithms. - Yeah. - Me too. - Yeah. - Some of the things she has shared have seemed innocent enough, but curiosity always leads to be back to the sources of this content important. Where I've seen mess ranging from transphobia to outright conspiracy theories about who controls the weather. - Oh God. - Always bad. - Oh no. - She also decided to stop getting the COVID booster a few years back, which made me raise an eyebrow. Tupac clear. She hasn't shared the most egregious content from these sources with this. That's good. - But it's clear by her interactions with these accounts that she is not being very discerning about her own line media diet. I've tried to talk to her about being more mindful of the things we engage with and share online, but it's only resulted in her getting defensive and accusing me of talking down to her. I love my friend like a sister and I'm worried that I may be losing her to an algorithm that is encouraging paranoia's and false realities. - Yes. - There aren't other people in her life I feel comfortable talking to about this because I don't think they would help the situation. Do you think it's worth trying to break through to her and get her to see the era of her ways or should I just focus on setting the boundary about what I no longer want her to share with me? I would really appreciate your input because I'm truly at a loss. Sincerely, Tupac Shakur. - Yes, Tupac, I get it. And it's crazy because we started talking about AI and it's like AI is a huge part of this problem. - Yeah. - And it makes things so much worse because it's getting better and so these fake pictures and videos are going to lead to more misinformation, more distrust, more conspiracy theories that are harder to disprove, et cetera, et cetera. - Yeah. - So Tupac said that she tried to talk to this friend about and she was just like getting defensive and being like, "Why are you talking down to me?" Okay. - Yeah. - Again, like we've talked about it before, that is a common response to people feeling called out or-- - And there's a thin line, right? There's a fine line because there's a reason why people oftentimes, like we have to look at the greater powers that be and what sends people into conspiracies in the first place, right? And so it's not like they don't come from nowhere. It doesn't mean it don't be some nutty shit. Let's be real clear, right? And that's a nigga who can get nutty shit adjacent. (laughing) As I was reading this, I was like, "Crisle's writing this letter and Jade is the friend." (laughing) 'Cause what do you mean who's controlling the weather, bitch, the atmosphere, air pressure? What do you mean? - You'll see even I, you know, but then they, you know, we got Kim Trills and all kinds of-- (laughing) - Just wanting to see your-- - She knew, and she knew, see, Tupac, I know how it feels. - She does. - To be the same smart friend in a sea of people who are also smart, but want to believe crazy shit. And it's understandable because like Jade was starting to say, crazy shit be happening, especially two black people. And we are also in an environment that is not fostering critical thinking. - Yes, oh, extremely-- - And discernment. - Yes, I actually don't think the children even know how to do that anymore. I don't even think critical thinking is really being, it's hot they can barely fucking read. - It's not. - So this is problematic because not only do people not know the answers, they don't know how or won't look it up for themselves. They don't know how to find trusted sources. They can't identify a reliable source. So as the friend who has a healthy dose of skepticism for especially anything to do with the government, you know, I don't wanna shoot down Niggas ideas about what the government might be doing 'cause the government has done some sick shit, especially to black people. I am the person who, when this shows up in the group chat, I just refuted. - Yeah, she's sharing. - And I'm not even talking about Jade, 'cause-- - I'm not the worst. - Jade and friend have to, they have to, they have to do their weirdo shit away from me. And they know that-- (laughing) - And we do. - And we know that. - Let's be clear. - Okay. (laughing) - We know what I'm putting Niggas in the freezer. She's not around. - Right. But I do have other friends that y'all haven't met. Um. (laughing) And so when this comes up in my other group chats, you know, somebody like, hmm, and they said, all this weather, all these lightning storms happening and the fact that California keeps setting on fire, is that global warming? - Right, right, right, it's like, unfortunately, we do know why these things happen. This is science, and I'm happy to not even just link it, because Niggas will be like, well, here I got a link too. It's like, okay, but my link is from-- - Not YouTube. (laughing) - And if it is a YouTube, it's a YouTube by somebody with credentials that are verifiable, and it's not their own information that, you know, God told them or whatever. This has been published in multiple scientific journals and things along that nature. So I will explain it. And my friends at this point know that, like, I think they trust me. - Yeah. - They trust, again, I'm not talking about Jay with this, 'cause, you know, we had to convince Jay to vote, so. But that was so long ago. - That was so long ago. - I was so long ago, I voted in so many elections. - Oh, really fast. (laughing) - But I think my friends trust my judgment. They know I'm not gonna lead them astray. 'Cause if I don't know the answer to something, I'll say, I think, or maybe it's this. But if it's something where there's a clear cut actual scientific response to this, I will just give them that. And it's not like me hitting them up and being like, girl, you keep believing random screenshots that you saw on Instagram, like, what is your fucking issue? You know, I don't approach people like that. - 'Cause it's not gonna go anywhere. - Right, but if you put something about, I read that Tia Tamera is pregnant by Joe Biden, it's like, okay, girl. What do you want me to do? - You saw that on Facebook, didn't you? Yeah, you did. - And what I tell y'all about Facebook. - I think my most concerned I am with this email. - Mm-hmm. - You know, let a bitch figure out where the thunder's coming from. But I think what you can address is things like outright harmful things such as transphobia. - Yeah. - You know, where literally this rhetoric is just aiding the hate of a community that is already grossly hated upon. - Right. - And also targeted violently, like your rhetoric around this can contribute to the continued harm of trans people and people of trans experience. - Yes. - That's where I feel like you can open up your mouth and say something. - So real. - But the rest of it, sometimes you just gotta let a nutty bitch be nutty and tell him, don't send that nutty shit to me no more. - Well, in a whatever way you feel appropriate to deliver that message. (laughing) - Yes. So, you know, I think Jay brings up a great point of like, if she's sharing stuff that is demonizing a group of people that are already marginalized and it's just that Niggas are ignorant about what it means to be trans. Sometimes you may learn that your friends are actually #phobic like that your friend. - That's a hard pill to swallow. - And that is, yeah. - That's a hard, I can't be friends with you no more after that. - 'Cause like, I really need you to understand that you're hating on this group of people for no fucking reason, because you don't understand it, but you don't have to understand it. It's not your lived experience. - Hey, babe. - You don't have to get it. - Hey, babe. - They're not hurting anybody. It would be different. - I just said this during recording last night. - See? - Somebody was complaining about pronouns. - Oh, God. - 'Cause we said petty, I said, "Simmy your petty pees." They said, "My petty pees are e-she pronoun." Why, you can't, like, and I said, "I want you to assess why the fuck that's your petty pees." - The existence of pronouns? - Why do you care what somebody identifies as, or what pronouns they use? And what, where did you think it was a good idea to send me that message of all people? - This is what I'm saying. I'm getting grown. - You, you said what's been dealing with pronouns into my Instagram, 'cause I posted the thing. - Oh, wow. - Anyway. - But not, we've been using pronouns for centuries. - Okay, it's a part of fucking language. - It's a part of speech. - But also, if you are so vexed by somebody using a she or her, they assist, then you need to go figure out what your problem is. - Yeah. - Okay. - 'Cause that's your own bias. - Yeah. - I used to, and I will be forthcoming about this, when non-binary stormed the scene. (laughing) - I definitely had an issue with using the singular they, 'cause I was like, I don't like that. They is from multiple people. I'm not calling one person or they them. And someone pointed out to me that we use the singular they all the time, when we don't know the gender of the person. - They said they are. - We're talking about right. - Exactly. - And just like that, I got the fuck over it. - It's not like that. - Also, not to you, but anybody with, it's not your fucking business. - Yeah. - Nobody asked you to use they. - Yeah. - Also, it's not no skin off your back for you to say it to somebody else. It's not stopping your fucking day. Anyway, I say all that to say to you too, Pock. Your friend speaking on things that can harm communities is one thing, but I think there is a way for you to distance yourself from the rhetoric. If you feel like the friendship itself is something that can be salvaged by just setting a boundary. - Yeah, I think if you're fine with just correcting the misinformation and she takes that and is like, "Oh, okay, my bad, I must have failed for it again." Then that's fine, you know? - Sounds like this bitch fell down into a pad. - But, right, but if she's arguing with you about it. (laughing) - This bitch went down. - That's when it's like, okay, babe. What? - I was like, you put her up my cousin. - It's like, what's she for? Who are you talking to? - Either we got to get to a place where you learn how to identify a reliable source, or we can't talk about the dumb shit no more. Which one is it gonna be? - Yeah. - Is it Uchiwalia or what might be? - 'Cause one thing about it, if I present correct information to somebody who's like, "Hey, have y'all heard about this thing that isn't real?" And you still wanna argue with me about how it is real, even though I have all this evidence saying that it isn't, then what are we really doing here? - Right. - So, yeah, I think, is there anything else here for Tupac? - No. - Focus on, yeah, if it's really irritating you that bad, then, yeah. - But the thing is, you don't wanna leave conspiracy theory niggas to only talk to other conspiracy theory niggas because-- - I mean, if you put two beta fish in a bowl, they'll eat each other. - One of them go get another. - Exactly. So, that's a selection. - And what you will find out of these communities is the dumbest ideas rise to the top and you know what you do is shit that rises to the top and a pot. - You'll skim it off and throw it on me. - Exactly, good luck Tupac, all right, Jay, who's next? - Ooh, I think our next person. Oh, Evelyn, huh? - Oh, pretty name. - Evelyn Braxton. - Okay, you took it to a different place. - It's useless reality, dearest, I've ever seen. - Braxton is a terrible reality show. - Show's mom. - It's good. - Well, anyway, that's what I said, you know. - Also, but I will say that one of the funniest moments from that show in reality TV is Taymar coming in the room after her mother had some sort of neck surgery and the ladies just lay in there like a hot dog and here come Taymar. - Evelyn, Evelyn, it is one of my favorite things to watch. - Taymar Braxton was made for reality. She was, she was, she was, she, and I'm gonna leave that right there 'cause she, yeah, I'm gonna leave that right on Evelyn Braxton, says, "Dare Crystal!" - Oh Lord. - What are you doing telling the truth is more damaging than keeping up with life? I'm a 28 year old woman living in New Jersey. Over the past year, I've become close friends with my roommate, Josie's former med school classmate, Elijah. - Okay. It turns out my friend Ann already knew Elijah because a coworker had tried to set them up. After meeting a person at a party and decided she was interested in Elijah. Unfortunately, another friend at that same party started pursuing him shortly after, even though she knew Ann was interested. - Damn. - Which really hurt Ann's feelings. She has a history of friends doing this to her and it turned her off from pursuing anything with Elijah altogether. - Here's the big issue. I've developed a crush on Elijah too. - Bitch. - Of course you have. - Everybody want Elijah. - Okay. Goose with the golden dick. I have zero intentions of acting one if for several reasons. - What? I don't know. - The Goose with the golden dick. - I don't know. - Okay. - Elijah clearly got some kind of rizz as a young kid. - Yeah, you're so youthful and with it. - Thank you. - You're welcome. - I know. Hello, seventh grade. I would never do that to Ann. I know a crush doesn't require a confession. Come on. - Okay. Put that in a text. - That's a big one. - Okay. - Let's say that again for the girls in the back. - I know a crush doesn't require a confession. - It does not. - And ultimately, this is truly just a man. - Yeah. - I like you. - I do too. - Okay. - I can do it. - I can't say. - I like to work to get over it like distancing myself avoiding one-on-one hangouts and not responding to his text. The problem is he notices and doubles down, asking what's wrong and offering to reschedule. My roommate also keeps asking why I'm icing him out and excluding him from invites to stuff. It's legitimately exhausting coming up with elaborate lies all the time to avoid him. I can't tell Ann because I worry it'll hurt her. Feed her avoidant tendencies and potentially get in the way of something with Elijah that I genuinely think could be great for her if she acts on it. But the guilt of the crush is making me overcompensate in our friendship and it's made me resent Elijah to the point where even though I'm mostly over it, I don't want to be friends with him at all but I can't tell him why. - Damn. - Do I just leave the state in your advice? Love Evelyn Braxton. - Evelyn said girl, I'm ready to run away from everybody. - Okay. - I know. - Okay. - You doing okay. - Bless that. But it's Elijah's six, five, works out, does a little modeling on this. - He's not. - That's people. (laughing) - Elijah probably fine and tell Ann. - He'll be able to be a doctor. - Why does anybody like me having the fun and the stigma on the planet? - I'm gonna find out everybody likes people of Indross. - Everybody. (laughing) - Too many. - Oh man, okay. So, the initial question here is, what do you do when telling the truth is more damaging than keeping up a lie? Is it though? Is telling the truth more damaging than keeping up a lie here? - I feel like you're stressing yourself out right now in a way that's wholly unnecessary. - I agree. I think you are taking care of Ann's feelings in a way that is not necessary. - It's actually to a point where it's becoming hardful and you're doing her no favors. - And to be even more specific and important, you're not doing yourself any favors. You are doing enough by knowing that Ann is your friend. Y'all have a crush on the same nigga. She said it first so she claimed him. And so, by saying a crush don't require a confession. This is just a man I'll find another one. That is all you need to do. But see, the problem is she's lying to herself first. - Ooh. - She lying to herself first because she already said it. She said she like Elijah. And now she's starting to resent this nigga. He don't even know why he's being resentful. - He's right. - Why is it fuck my drag? (laughing) What I do, do nothing but be 65 and kind and love your mother and go to therapy. It's so like, really kind of Evelyn, you're the problem here. And Ann, I get if Ann has some shit that she got to work out because her romantic connections don't go in the way that she wants him to go. It sucks to watch, that's not your responsibility. - Yes. - And you can be a good friend. You're not being a good friend to her by pacifying her and patronizing her and treating her like this little tinder poopy. - Right. - You can't get over it. - Oh my little baby. (talking over each other) - Somebody else like I like Elijah. (laughing) - I mean, that sucks, but it is not something, like I think Jay made an excellent point of, you are taking ownership of Ann's feelings in a way that feels really unhelpful to everybody involved, but especially to you. You can't tell Ann because it might hurt her feelings and feed her avoidant tendencies and maybe she won't talk to Elijah no more. First, she's already decided not to talk to Elijah 'cause the other friend went after him, so. But this is Anne's thing to deal with. - This is Anne's shit. - Yeah. - You can tell, and you can also, if you, but if you really don't want to tell her, you can tell Elijah, "Hey, I've been distancing myself. "I've seen you out, not inviting you to stuff "because I have a crush on you, "and I feel guilty about it 'cause my friend also has a crush on you. "So I'm trying to do the right thing, be respectful." Like, you don't have to create these elaborate lies here. What's wrong with just being real with everybody? - I'd be irritated with you if I found out you was doing all of this stuff if I'm being honest. (laughs) 'Cause, well, you have to remember, these are people in their mid to late 20s. - I know, I know. - So, you know, we're much older, so we're like, "Oh, girl. "Won." (laughs) This nigga. (laughs) - 28. - But a baby at 28, but I did call myself a teen mother. - You did. - Yeah. - I still do. - I still do. - Right, and it was wrong then. It was incorrect then. - It's probably been. - And it's incorrect now. - Yeah, that's right. - But, you know. - It's all felt. (laughs) - And it's an adult, and has to be responsible for her own reactions and her own behaviors when she hears information that she doesn't like. - And you create a slippery slope for yourself altogether, and a side, a lies a side, everybody a side. If you feel like you got a egg carton, all of these people around you, who you love's feelings for everything, you're never gonna be an honest person. - Right, and then you'll be disingenuous and insincere. - Because it is no one's responsibility to put your feelings first, except your own. - Yeah. - You're supposed to be your top priority, just like every other adult who doesn't have kids is supposed to put themselves as their top priority. Like, you have to take care of yourself. You have to do what's good for you. You've already decided not to pursue him. That's all you have to do to be a good friend. - Yeah. - But the feelings themselves is not wrong for you to have developed a crush on Elijah. He sounds great. He sounds smart. Like, he's gonna be rich pretty soon. He's probably cute. He got all the holes that every party won't them. So liking him, having a crush on him, you've hung out with him. Maybe you like his personality. There's nothing wrong with liking him. But you know your homegirl likes him, so you're not gonna pursue it. That is all you have to do to be a good friend. - That's okay. And that's enough. - And that's okay. - You overcompensating in the friendship right now is insincereity. - Yes. - And what I want more than anything in my friendships is authenticity and sincerity. - I agree. - I agree. - You know what I'm saying. - I do. So I think, like Evelyn said, it's getting to the point, we're not you resenting Elijah. And he ain't even doing that. - I didn't even do nothing. But again, be six, five. Love his mother. - Go work. - Be kind and society. - All I do is exercise and balance. - And move back to New York from Chicago. - Why the hell's right? - How do I scare the host? (laughing) - Yes, you feel guilty for your feelings. - Yeah, you do. - You feel guilty for having a crush. - Right, but having a crush is simply having a crush. There's nothing wrong with it in and of itself. - Yeah. - It's what we do with the crush that could be problematic. But you're not doing anything wrong. - Yeah. - So if you want to get over this crush on Elijah, which honestly sounds like it's for the best, then tell him so that you're not creating lies or at least tell the roommate, tell somebody. Be real with somebody about why you're not having this friendship kind of key, key dynamic with Elijah anymore. You're keeping your distance for a reason so that you can get over him because your friend has a crush on him. - Yeah. - That's fair. Everybody has to be an adult about the situation. - And this, I can't tell him why you can. - You absolutely can. - Like what you're scared of. What's going to happen? - That's what I'm trying to. - I'm like, I'm fine. - You got to tell him anything that's catastrophic. - Nothing is life or thing. - Yeah. - Earth is shaking. - It's like you're afraid of the ramifications of having feelings, but they're just feelings. You're not acting on them. That you're not going to get a whooping for having a crush on Elijah. Like, you're not going to get grounded. And if you lose a friend over having a crush and that wouldn't your friend. - Not over having right. Having the crush in and of itself. Like, grow to such a husband. - Like. - It's a man that you met at a party and was like, "Okay, yeah, I want to pursue something." But then it didn't work out because somebody else liked him too. And you was like, "Okay, I'm not going to go after him then." That's her choice. - Yeah. - And could've said, "Well, make the best bitch win then." - And put on her pushup, bro. - Got your engines. - She better say, "I got something." - Yeah, okay. (laughing) - Oh, that's what me and Crystal would do. - We'd have a grand time. - Okay, so you're not, let's see. - You look like you made a best bitch win. - I look like the best bitch win. (laughing) - You taking on too much of the responsibility here. - You are so good. - You're going to call your F. - You are. - Your taking on too much of the burden here, baby. It's going to be all right. - Yeah, y'all going to be good. - You ain't going to be good. You ain't going to lie. You're going to be good. - Oh, so don't give that nigga a compliment. Go tell that nigga. (laughing) - Maybe don't tell him, "Oh, I have them." Men don't need more compliments. - No, they don't. No, they don't. No, they don't. It's not you, it's me. - But talk to Anne, that's your friend. - Yeah. - That's your home girl. - Yeah. You know what I'm saying? - Yes. And good luck to you, baby. This is not the end of the world by any means. (laughing) - Okay. Good luck. Who's next? - Okay. - Aw. - Claire. - We're just going to leave this egg clear. - Mm-hmm. - You know that means. - Trigger the warning. - Yeah. - Serious voices, huh? - You know. You know, we gotta be respectful of the situation. - Mm-hmm. - Hi, Crystal. A couple years ago, I was sexually assaulted. I told a couple of friends, but I did not report it, because I had entered into a consensual sexual relationship with this man. - Mm-hmm. - It was just that he did a couple of things without my consent for a short amount of time. Sometimes things felt aggressive, but not abusive. Rimming with violence, but not actually violent. It was an assault that was hard to prove, and it took me a long time to accept that I had been assaulted, even though my friends had pointed it out to me. - Yeah, that makes sense. - I stopped engaging with that man entirely, and he gradually became a figment of the past. I don't know that I ever dealt with it or processed it, but I feel like I was doing okay. I've been in a long-term relationship for the past year and found the love of my life. - Oh. - He's helped that man who assaulted me become even smaller in my mind. - Amen. - Even so, my spirit for the last two years has been telling me to keep up with my assaulter and search his name for possible crimes or a forum where possibly other women were talking about their experiences with him. Yesterday I found a story on the news of him sexually assaulting and drugging women at his place of work. - Jesus. - There's a warrant out for his arrest, and he's not been caught yet. I spent all of yesterday researching more and obsessing. With the weight of this revelation, I can no longer put my experience away in a box. I just started a new job and won't have health insurance for at least three months. And I can't afford a therapist out of pocket right now. - Okay. - I am finding that the assault and this news are taking up more and more space in my brain. And for the first time, it has affected my sex life with my partner. I immediately cried and got emotional about not being able to be fully present with him like normal. - Oh, yeah. - As a person with a degree, but not the license, do you have any suggestions on starting points of how to process my trauma in a healthy way? Thank you, Claire. - Okay. Well, Claire, I'm real, it sounds like you have great friends. - Yeah. - And I am so glad you have people around you who were like, girl, just because you consented to sex does not mean you consented to everything that man decided to do. - Yeah. - It felt wrong. You didn't agree to it. And you, it sounds like you were trying to diminish it in your own mind. And then you told people who were like, "No, what happened to you is actually fucked up." - Yeah. - And it's sticking with you because it's fucked up. - Yeah. - So, I'm really glad to hear you have that kind of support system around you. That's gonna be key. It's also a sign that maybe some time has passed. You stop engaging with him entirely, of course. Like you said, that's great. But you never have really dealt with the pain. You've never dealt with the ramifications of what you've gone through. And we see that in the sort of obsessing over him, searching him online regularly. Like you were looking for this news, basically. And now that you found it, I'm sure the spiral has just been going deeper and deeper and deeper. Like what happened to you is now at the forefront of your mind. And it makes sense because it was never properly handled in the first place. And even if you, I want to be clear, you could have immediately gone into therapy two years ago. And you could very possibly have still been going down this same spiral once you found out about what this man had done because it sounds like you're a spirit new. - Yes. - Right. - What we just talked about. - Yes, we talked about this last week. How unfortunately people who assault others in this way this way, don't really stop at one. And it's almost like you were just waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to say. But again, it sounds like you have a great partner, you have great friends, my very first recommendation would be to call on your people, get them together, tell them what's going on, tell them what you found out, and all the feelings that are coming up for you. Shame, grief, guilt, whatever it may be, get that out to your safe spaces since therapy is not an option for you right now. - Yeah, absolutely. And it sounds like you know. Like you're battling with your feelings versus what you actually know to be true. And all of these things are very fair. So I completely agree with you. Lean into your community right now while you can't get the professional help that you need. And yeah, let's take this nigga out. Like, you know what I'm saying, point the thing, I don't mean physically. - Okay, 'cause you know, I was finna, I was finna give that disclaimer. - Right between the eyes. - But, yeah, I hope they get that nigga together with this worm. - I know, right. - 'Cause you are a predator. You are a predator in society. - Rapists and others, people who commit sexual crimes, they really challenge my whole. - The system, the system, no, they're the only ones that challenge you believe. - Oh my, damn, maybe the system is going something right. - That's why I never say dismantle the prison system. I say dismantle the prison system. And save it for the people who really fucking deserve it. Decreeps the pedophiles, the fucking, like you said, the rapists, the sexual assaults, like those people, now lock them niggas up. - Yes. - I feel very passionately about that. - Yes. - But no, don't go lock up a trans lady. - Right. - That's where the system don't work. - Right. I'm very, I'm picky about who I think belong behind bars. - Absolutely. - And this man is one of them. - Don't get me wrong, I won't be marching for men who do shit like this, baby. You won't catch me in the streets. - I'm sorry. - But you, I have to strongly recommend as soon as your insurance kicks in to start seeing a therapist. Until then, you need to talk about it. Again, those friends, you're a man, you have got to let this out. You've been spending a lot of time online, researching, obsessing, obsessing. I would say shift your focus there from like him to you. - Yeah. - Google. How do I take care of myself after sexual assault or support for sexual assault victims? How do I process, having somebody sexually violate me? Look for, instead of more stuff about him, look for more resources for you. - Yeah, I'm glad you said that too, because there was another, and it's not necessarily wrong, but there was a space in here where you talked about how your current partner and as healthy as that relationship is, has helped to minimize that person's affecting your life, that's still reliance on another person. And so that I do agree with you wholeheartedly that there might need to be some pivoting, a focusing inward overall, so that no matter who's in your life, you can exist in a way that feels good for you and is healthy for you. - Right, and a therapist will definitely help you get there. Again, I cannot suggest enough, finding a therapist as soon as you're financially able, but we lean on what we have, we use the resources that are available to us. And if your man is as great and supportive and loving and all this as he sounds, then he should absolutely be able to hold it down for you for a few months. Listen to you talk about the things you went through, how scared you were, how fucked up this was, how powerless you felt, how you didn't even wanna acknowledge it as a salt to yourself. This is stuff that your therapist is maybe the most efficient space to hear this, because they can really help you work through it, but since that's not an option right now, the people closest to you, this is the sort, like this is what friends and family and husbands and wives are for. This is what community is for. So, ask for that help right from your village, show yourself compassion and love in patients, 'cause you've been through a lot of bullshit that you have kind of just pushed down without dealing with. And as we see these things will come up, like pushing it down only works for a short amount of time, that is not a permanent solution. - That's an eruption. - Yes it is, yes it is. And so letting go, I would not be surprised at all if you felt some guilt or shame about this, especially for people who were sexually assaulted by someone that they did give consent to, we see a lot of guilt. As if you could have possibly predicted or known that that man was gonna do that to you. You were consented to having sex in a certain way or things like that, like you consented to that, you could not consent to the things you did not consent to. But that guilt of, I should have never said yes to him, I should have never went out with him, I should have never, blah, blah, blah. Like you start beating your own ass. Letting go of that guilt and shame of what happened to you is going to be so, so paramount in your healing. This takes time, so it's not something that I think in a week or two you're gonna be over it, but people blame themselves for all kinds of shit. Ooh, why did I wear that? Why did I drink so much? Why did I get high? Why did not leave the house sooner? Why didn't I? - Absolutely. - Yeah, and you have to remember that you didn't choose to be assaulted. - No. - If you've been to you, you didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it. So, reconnecting with yourself is gonna be very important. Mindfulness, journaling, creative exercises. Oh, if that's a thing, if since one-on-one therapy is out of reach for you right now, look for group therapy, survivors of sexual assault in your area, they might have online stuff, or there might be a group specifically for sexual assault victims who have been assaulted by a concentration. - Parked in the partner. - Yes, exactly, yes. There might be, but group therapy, I mean, it has its limitations, but it is excellent for stuff like this, because after something like this happens, the guilt and shame of it makes so many people feel isolated, that it's their fault, they're not the perfect victim, they could have done this or that, and you need to, it's not need to, but it's very, very useful in a lot of cases to be around other people who have experienced something similarly fucked up and who are managing it, and then there's a therapist who is guiding the whole conversation. So, it's not tailored to you, but you can still get a lot of benefit out of it. - Absolutely. - You don't need to Google nothing else about that, man. I know it's gonna be hard, but I would advise you to stop looking him up specifically, whether he goes to jail or not, like it sounds like you are maybe feeling compelled to look that up. I'm gonna gently urge you to let that go, and every time you feel like Googling him or saying, like, have the police call him yet, or is it more charges, is it more victims? Turn that search to you. - Yeah. - Turn all that effort that you are putting into this man into you, because what has happened, has happened, there's nothing anybody can do to rewind time and make it not happen. All we can do now is take a look at what's left and try to pick ourselves up, rebuild, and move forward from here. - That's literally it. - Yeah. Oh, praying your peace, praying your peace. - Oh, God, man. - I'm glad that you have a strong village around you. - I can't tell you enough how important that is. Like, having even one safe person, where you could say, girl, remember a couple of years ago when such and such happened? I just, I feel like I'm really not over it. And then the other day I saw online that he did the same thing to a bunch of people at work, and I've just been spiraling ever since. That's a way to start the conversation. And then just, it sounds, again, it sounds like you have incredible friends and an incredible partner to just have somebody to bounce off of. - Also, give yourself grace in this intimacy period with your partner, you know what I'm saying? - Yes. - And your partner should absolutely understand. - Absolutely. - Let's be 100%. - If you have a baby vaginally, fully healthy, you own tear, none of that. - You still can't fuck for six weeks. - Right. - Right. - So if you're going through it right now, personally, and your partner is as lovely and as supportive as they sound, then you needing a moment to focus on that and being able to communicate that to them is you should, you are allowed that. - Yes. You are more than allowed, right? You deserve that kind of care. There are also crisis hotlines and online chats that where you can speak with somebody trained to help people who have been through something like this and maybe provide some free or low cost. resources in your area. So again, every time you feel the need to look up him, look up something for you. Because you need the healing. You need the help. You deserve your time and energy and effort. Fuck that nigga. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck him eight ways from Sunday. Look, I hope all your community consists of a range of. The system can have his ass. Okay. As far as I'm concerned, baby. I know what I'd do is some safety pins in a black candle 10 night. Anyway, it's crazy because I be agreeing with Jade. It's just all I want to say that on camera. She would like top between arms. I don't like the worst of it. I just know I know. This is you holding back. Yeah, it really is. Best of luck sweetheart. All right, Jade. I think we have time for one more. Okay. Let's see. What do I want to call this one? Lord. Oh, hmm. Hmm. We'll call her the trunchable. The trunchable. I don't know. I just, I'm until it does bid on my mind. Love that. Hi, Crystal. I'm a woman who's been with the same woman for about 18 years. Of course you have trunchable. I didn't mean to do that. I promise. We have two children together and we handle our shit beautifully when it comes to the logistics of raising kids. She's very controlling and knows it. And for a while, I needed that. I also needed fashion help. And she provided that too. Okay. But for the past 10 years, I've been in therapy and working on myself. And I actually think now that I'm a pretty decent kind person who doesn't care if I'm the most fashionable bitch rolling up to work every day. Real. So real. Right. The problem is that I don't think my wife and I like each other very much. We don't have sex anymore. And she likes to hang out and be social while I'm an introvert with a full-time job in this God forsaken country. And have to be in an office five days a week. My kids are very important to me. And I prioritize bringing in a paycheck, putting food on the table every day of the week and spending time with my kids. My plate is full and when I have time, I just want an hour by myself. Lately, when I try and talk with her about anything outside of logistics, she just doesn't respond in a way that makes me think she cares. The other day, I brought up a coworker who had a tragedy occur in their life. And I wanted help writing a card for her. I pointed out that it's doubly hard for this coworker because she can't take any leave from work. But my wife just chuckled and called me a Debbie Downer. The past year has been really rough because I work for the government and I'm constantly afraid of losing my job as the sole breadwinner. I'm understandable. I'm really missing having a partner who I feel likes me, appreciates me and respects me. Divorce is really expensive and I don't think that's in the cards right now. Okay. I know we need couples therapy and my question is, how do I ask her to set that up for us? She's the one who's always telling me to find one. But I've done my work with my own therapy and I feel like since she isn't in therapy, she needs to set up the appointment because she's the one who always has the opinions on shit. Should I say that is married people, boy? Okay. Should I send an email for her with the list of therapists I found who are in network? Sometimes that's better than communicating in person because she gets so defensive which sets me off in being defensive. What do you do when you've outgrown your marriage? I'd appreciate any advice you have and I'm grateful for your voice in this world. Thank you. The Trunch Bull. Oh babes. Hey babes. Well, do you, do you want your marriage to get better or do you want to be right? That's a valid question. And nobody can answer that. No, really can't. But you gave us all this backstory and then you said, my question is, how do I get my wife to set up therapy for us? Do you want your marriage to work? I have so many questions before that though. Really? I do. Are they relevant to the advice that you want to give or are you just trying to satisfy your own curiosity? Don't therapist me with more questions. This is the thing I got a job like nothing. The wife probably stays home and takes care of the kids. We don't know how old the kids are. So it sounds like the wife stays home, takes care of the house and the kids and the Trunch Bull is at their school every day. Working for the government. Terrorizing them children at the government school. Sometimes niggas don't like each other no more. And that's okay. Damn. It's like that. Y'all been together for 18 years. Right. Sometimes people don't like each other anymore and they grow out of each other. Yes they do. Sometimes we feel like we have we don't like a person anymore because we haven't put in the work and we are resentful because they haven't put in the work either. Sometimes that is the truth. And that makes sense. And I think that goes back to your original question. Do you want to like this nigga? Right. Or not. Right. Because that's really you're saying divorce is not really an option right now. It's a very expensive option. Although maybe you know what I don't know where you live and what the 50/50 Alamoni situation looks like. Divorce is not an option right now and it's an expensive option. Right. Do you want this marriage to work? Yeah. You said that when y'all first got together she was very controlling and you needed that. I would I'd venture to say that you didn't need controlling as much as you needed structure and routine. Right. Exactly. Controlling is something quite different. Yeah. And it sounds like you spent 10 years in therapy you've grown and gotten to this new place but your wife is still very used to her role as like running you. And I don't know set not your outfits before you went to work in the morning and and things like that that you don't really need her to do that the dynamics of your relationship have changed what you need from one another has changed which makes sense because y'all been together for almost 20 years. Yeah. So yeah things do shift and and roles do change especially as children into the picture and grow up. Right. Yeah. Right. So I think if if you are in agreement about couples therapy and you have a list of therapists who are in network I don't know that like emailing that to her and being like making an appointment is necessarily the best approach. I'd ask her if she even wants to like you again. Like do you want to like each other. Yeah. Is this is do we want to be in this marriage like kids aside divorce is expensive aside do we want to try to make this work y'all have to have that conversation first before a therapist and if you both say yeah I don't know what's happened we've drifted apart things have gotten weird but I want to try you like I do still feel like you're my person I want to try to make this work then y'all can then you can say well I found a list of therapists do you want to pick one and see if they have availability something like that where it's like we're on not you taking on all the responsibility or her being controlling but you all approaching the problem together as a team. It's the two of you versus the problems in your marriage not your problems versus her problems. I mean and but again that is if you actually want to keep this relationship that is if the both of you actually want to keep this this marriage right because they're still a family you got kids oh yes you still got to deal with you be linked forever because of them children exactly so that's always going to be either your wife or your ex-wife and the mother of your kids exactly like I don't so you have to deal with each other it's a matter of how you want to deal with each other right and just having a very transparent conversation. That's hard right that's hard we're almost two decades under your boat yeah for me to come and take would be like you know what we don't like each other right now and I think honestly I don't I don't think and maybe I don't want to like you anymore that's a hard conversation to have yeah and I think people it is they have to grapple with whether and you know they ready to say that yeah before they can even have all of those you know so oh this is not easy it's not and it could also be you know on your wife's side it's like well I've been this way since you met me and now all of a sudden it's a problem now all of a sudden I'm too controlling and I'm too defensive and I have too much fashion sense and you you want me to let you go outside that's crazy like you but the fact that you've been in therapy and your wife hasn't I'm not shot and you've been at work and your wife hasn't no she said that no she said I'd be at work I'd be putting food on the table she'd be galloping in these streets she doesn't have a job that don't make she don't work though are you right taking care of the home raising them kids that's not no no no I'm not saying that's nothing but if you're telling me you're putting all the food what I see like that I need some clarity she likes to hang out and be social you like to be introverted at home after you don't know what I want to be with the kids maybe her wife is to stay at home I think she's a full-time mom which is a lot of fucking word it is I wouldn't want to do it give me a job stay from stay at home Yeah, I'm stay at home mom who works from home, it's almost nevermind that almost said it's the worst of both worlds Yeah, nigga, it is I'm sitting here recording my kids in the front of the studio You are because I'm married a teacher So you know balance, etc. Yeah, y'all need to figure out if you want to like each other again first Yes, and and you have other stressors that aren't just this marriage You are the sole bread winner. That's a scary position to be in because the whole family's livelihood is on you and you work for the government So you never know yeah Trump is just gone to side one day to eliminate your whole fucking department and everybody you work with don't have a job No more because then people doing whatever the fuck they want to do So it's other stressors too that are contributing here and I think couples therapy is a great entry way because it can also be a way for your wife to realize that she needs help too It could also be a veil lifter and you and being the final step and you saying you know what this is the decision that I want for my life moving forward whatever that decision is Right so right but being like well, you need to be the one to set up the therapy because you don't want always got something to say about shit Okay, that ain't gonna do shit bitch That ain't gonna do nothing because of ruckus So I would recommend having that initial conversation of like what are we doing here? What do we want to do here? Are we still I know we're not aligned right now Yeah, but do we both want this to work and if the answer is yes? Alright babe, here's a list of therapists that I found from the insurance that I get from my job Thank God can you call one of these people or check out their website or whatever? See if there are somebody who specializes in queer couples counseling, even better Yes Even better Yes But you know approaching the issue as a team as opposed to like I want to fight you bitch I'm fucking over it Leave me alone with your control and ask Another thing too is if you ask your wife to be the person to initiate this Once you hand over that list and she doesn't really take steps that may also give you information that you need for yourself Yes, because you can't say that you want to work on the marriage and then not be willing to do anything to work towards saving the marriage Because you have grown up, you have matured, there are things that don't work for you anymore And we don't know her side of it But a therapist can sit there and talk to the both of you, get some insight, provide you with some feedback And things for you all to work on in between sessions I did couples counseling in grad school, I fucking loved it Oh, did you? I loved it, amazing It was so enlightening to see what y'all going through And I tell you what, it cured me of feeling like I'm married, you know, make her a sin, like not saying I don't want to have a partner or share my life with someone But it's not like I'm going to feel some type of way about myself if I never find that And I for sure don't envy anybody's marriage because I have seen you know, I've seen how the sausages made basically And it's a lot of compromise There's a lot of compromise going on That's the biggest fucking Yes, there's a lot of back and forth because it's a whole nother grown person that you're sharing your life with So it can't just be your way or her way It has to be a new magical third way that the two of you come up with together Because it's not just your personalities and your individual emotions Even issue a background, issue a bridge Yes, two totally different backgrounds Yes, into one space And figuring out how to merge that to get in and meld that together Both of you are bringing all of your baggage and all of your shit into this dynamic How you were raised, your principles, the things that were instilled in you, all of those things Absolutely, for better and for worse Yeah So yeah, I think we've given you quite a bit here to think about I hope it, I hope you and your wife are aligned but if not, you put her in the choking No, I'm just playing, I just had to do that because I gave you that name She didn't do anything wrong here, so I'm just playing I got a couple of niggas I've put in a chokey from this episode though So I hope that your path forward becomes more illuminated as you all seek out therapy Or not because if your wife, I mean maybe I'll have a conversation all like this is over That could be a thing It could be, yes And you can mourn that because it's the end of something amazing that y'all had And you can say if we're better off apart, that means our kids are better off apart And with us apart And we can focus on being the best co-parents we can be Because that is the stop staying with the person for the kids Because you ain't doing it for the fucking kids The kids are not better off if y'all hate each other Okay, they are not better off with y'all being married if y'all are fucking disgusted by each other's presence And it's okay to say this is actually run its course and it's over if it is over Like you all have decided that regardless of what happens between the two of you You are going to take equal part in raising other human beings Exactly So they have to be a top priority in this dynamic for sure Please keep in mind that whatever is going on with y'all that energy Them kids see that and that's what they normalize as what a relationship is supposed to look like And kids will fill resentment whether you think you're doing a grand theatric job of hiding it or not Because y'all doing your kids pick up on the vibes babe Kids are little witches, okay They love in the house too They know it shouldn't be right So you know they feel that shit and don't take that for granted Indy, I pray I pray the best outcome for you are that is best for you yourselves individually and collectively as a family Indy, good luck Ms. Trunchbull Alright, that's gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's couch Everybody, say thank you Jay Thank you Jay More being here follow online at jade of all jades and find turret Child every podcast I'm every fucking disgusting gang around Jay next y'all know where she's at You can follow my little show at crystal's couch And if you have a question from me, please send me an email babe's advice at crystal'scouch.com Alright, we'll see you next week