Session 31 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today, I'm diving right back into your letters with the one and only Jade of all Jades. - Hello. - Comment, "Starsister." - You know I live here. - Yep. - We do. - Right here in the studio. - You know, in the same, I'm sustainable. - You, yeah, you have a uniform. So Jade's back to help me answer some of your letters. - And Jade, who's up first this week? - Oh, I'm a very first listener. It's Amelia Bedelia. - Mm, oh my God. (laughing) - Amelia Bedelia was the most autistic ass bitch. Took everything literally-- - She was, I love it. - And she kept me entertained. Do you hear me? - No, 'cause why do you think "draw the drapes" means get out a pencil and pad and draw the goddamn drapes, girl? - You know a couple of niggas who would also pull out a pen and a pad. - Ah, you. (laughing) - I would do that to be an asshole. - You would, right. (laughing) - Because who the fuck is saying "draw the drapes" since 2026? - Oh, right. - What's going on with Ms. Bedelia? - Amelia Bedelia says, "Hi, Crystal." - I have a close friend named Mia, who is genuinely impressive. Single mom to an 11-year-old honors student and currently in a master's program. - Oh, what's this? - But she is absolutely desperate to be in a relationship. And over the past five years, her life has been a lot. A long-term boyfriend cheated and she caught him in the act. A trash father kicked her and her mom out of his house, mid-affair. - Wow. And her mom had a stroke and is now in a nursing home that Mia funds alone because her siblings do nothing. - Oh, no. - It's been heavy. - Yeah. - We know that story. She full whatever reason, track down her first love. - From first grade. - Okay. (laughing) That was not her first love. - It's not. - Anyway, I didn't even go together at that point. - All right. - Turns out he had been in prison for armed robbery. She wrote him, visited him, took her son to visit him, got engaged to him while he was incarcerated. It was posting about it on social media. Mia and our other bestie, Chloe, genuinely thought it was a joke at first. He's now out of prison, living with her and her son. She has maxed out her credit card buying him clothes and getting health insurance for him when she doesn't have any herself. - Girl. - Okay. - We'll just keep reading, Jade. I wanna say something, but I've tried before and she got defensive. I know I can be too blunt and I don't wanna blow up the friendship, but I also don't wanna be around this situation if it continues. - Yeah. - Do I try again with more tact or do I quietly create distance? Please help, Amelia Bedillion. - God damn, bro. - Okay. (laughing) - I know one thing, a reality TV producer would love to get in touch with me. - Matt Sharp entertainment. (laughing) - Hit up your girl. (laughing) - This sounds straight out of a love after lock up. - Life after lock up. Life during lock up. (laughing) - The whole game. - The whole game. (laughing) - Jesus H, okay. Amelia's problem is that she says I'm too blunt. I know that I don't be approached by this before. - She should be situated with tact, right? - I mean, she's jaded. - Yeah. - She sounds jaded. - She sounds jaded. - And you don't wanna blow up the friendship, but this is also a lot for you to sit around and witness, very understandable. - Yeah. - So I think you also said y'all have another bestie, Chloe. Can you and Chloe get on the same page first? - They probably are. - They probably are, especially since you both thought it was a fucking joke that this girl was like, oh my first love from when I was six years old, I found him and yeah, he was doing a bit for arm robbery, but okay, people go through stuff. And now you got that man living with your son, girl. - That's it, that's it always my issue. And you already know. - Yep. - Always. - And 11-year-old boy, 11-year-old anything. I'm not having a nigga fresh out of prison that I haven't seen since high school, maybe. - Tell you something, there is a comedian, I don't know your name, Mr. Commodore. He plays this character of his nigga who just got out of jail named fresh out. And his quote is, "Fresh out, nigga ain't nothing to go back." And so I said, so. (laughing) - So close, say it. - Oh my god, Joey. - So I say that to say, the decision making here is, it's Lucy Goosey, it's a million, but do you? - Okay, right, right, so we, you know, you've laid out here some things that are very easy for the rest of us to clock as problems. (laughing) It's very easy for the rest of us to see as red flags. And Mia is not alone in being an overachiever who has done all these great things with her life and yet still really, really wants a man, really, really bad, need that man real bad. She's also been through a lot of bullshit in the past five years that makes it even more understandable of why she is trying to find that happiness that you get from romantic partnerships by any means, you know, necessary. The long-term boyfriend cheating and you called him and her father. - So she's got a horrible history with men, right? In general. - I'm really trying to understand how your dad who was having an affair himself turned around and kicked you and your mama out of the house? What the fuck? And your mama had a stroke, so now you're the only one paying the bills and the nursing home and all that. Like that's a lot of stress, that's a lot of pressure on top of raising an 11 year old and being in grad school. So when you, if you decide to do this by yourself or if Chloe has a softer tone and a gentler approach, maybe it's easier to do it with her. The only thing I'm cautioning you about is that sometimes people can feel ganged up on if more than one person approaches them about something, so keep that in mind. But I would come at it, not with like girl, what the fuck are you doing, letting this con into your home? Are you out your goddamn mind? (laughs) - It is the thing. - I wouldn't approach it like that. I would say, hey sis, you really have been going through a lot. Like do you want to talk about how crazy this shit has been? Like I would approach the situation with empathy for how hard her life has been lately and how much stress and pressure she's under as opposed to judgment for what the decision she's been making. - Yeah. I feel so many ways here. - Okay. Because I do want to, in all seriousness, I never want to demonize people who have been incarcerated just 'cause they've been incarcerated. You know what I'm saying? I got loved ones who have partake it in armed robbery. Many moons ago. You know, new niggas now. New niggas, you know what I'm saying? The decision making here is the more troubling thing, right? Like she maxing out this credit card, getting health insurance for this man when you don't have the health insurance. - Inexplicable actually. I'm concerned with that, and then you, like fuck her daddy. - Yeah, fuck her daddy. - Yeah, your dad sounds like her dad sounds like a terrible person. Her ex sounds like a terrible person. And if her ex is also the father of her child, I know you said that was a long-term relationship, so it could be that that man was also the father of her child. For some people when that relationship falls apart, it can really feel like I lost my family. - Yeah. - Which is, you know, there's nothing wrong with our feelings, but the idea that we need a man in the picture in order to be a family is problematic for a lot of reasons. You and your child are a family by yourself. - You are a family by yourself, so should you choose to be? - It just doesn't get more family than you and your baby. - No, it doesn't. - It really doesn't. - It doesn't. - But why? - It sounds like she also does not have a great foundation when it comes to relationships with women. - I mean, because look at how your daddy did. - It's a trash ass old nigga with a dirty dick at this age. Now, your mother had a stroke and you're dirty, dick, daddy kicked, you know, may he suffer the everything that he deserves to suffer. - Yes, I'm just gonna leave that right there. - Yes. She, yeah, her foundation is rocked. Like her foundation is fucked up, it's rocked. It doesn't mean that it is, is anything happening here where you need to distance yourself from this relationship, from this friendship? Is she asking you for money? You know, is the nigga making you feel uncomfortable? - Yeah. - I'm just wondering, like, do you want to distance yourself because you just don't agree with this and this is just insane with, yeah? But also, but also, like, or what's your purpose here? I think that's my question, actually. - That's a good point. Like, is this intolerable for you? Is this man showing signs of, like, being abusive towards her or her son? In that case, I can completely understand having a hard time sitting back and watching this shit. Absolutely. Also, a lot of women in particular tend to go towards men who have been incarcerated because they have this sense of, like, he's gonna be so grateful that I, held him down or I gave him a place to live. I'm helping him this, this, this. I won't deal with the betrayal that I dealt with from my ex. I won't deal with being done wrong in a really fucked up way, like my dad did me and my mama. And that is a false belief. But it is still one that subconsciously a lot of women have, like, oh, I held him down during this time. So like, he's not going to do me wrong. Unfortunately, Niggas will absolutely do you wrong, no matter how much you have done for them. If that's what they want to do, they will do it. Yes. But it sounds like she's not just this is the decision you made. It sounds like she's also now starting to make irresponsible decisions. Right. Like, it's not just, oh, this is your choice. It's you're spending money. You don't have max-now credit cards to buy him clothes, paying for health insurance for him when you don't even have it yourself. Again, all of this dumb. But I want to know, like, what, it's dumb. It's just, it's dumb, it's dumb, it's dumb, you know. It's dumb. But I don't, you see, every time I do, I do. I see. But I also want, I'm like, but what, how does this affect the y'all's friendship? Right, I'm just, you know. Well, for a lot of people, seeing somebody make these kinds of decisions over and over and over and over, it's hard to simply because, like, do I have to wait for this nigga to dog you out and you and your son to be on the street and your credit to be in hell and for you to have nowhere to go to speak up and say something? Like, especially if your child is in danger. That's a big. Especially that, right? So I'm not opposed to you saying something. I just think that the way you go about it is what you have to be really mindful about. She has certainly heard from, you know, people on Facebook or whatever else that she's big, Jade, that she's being a fucking idiot. Yeah. So, you're so stupid, this is so stupid. Why are you so dumb? It's not going to help. You are going to get defensive when people come at you like that because that is an insult. Yes, it is. Right. And so when we want to stay in relationship with people and we genuinely want to help, as opposed to just being right, it matters how we talk to people and it matters how we approach the conversation. Wonderful. So that's why I'm saying, come at her with empathy. Sit her down somewhere and be like, sis, I just want to talk because it's been a lot of changes lately and I just want to chat with you, get an idea of how you're feeling, like how are you coping? How's your son doing with this man in the house? Like, just start with, let's talk. Yeah, that's, I think that's nice. 'Cause you bent, right, it's, it is nice, but more than nice, it's effective because you're showing that I care about you. Let's be clear. And you're not getting, I'm not telling her to go to her friend and say, this is dumb. I'm calling her friend's moves dumb. Right, you are. And so, that's what I said. I don't think she should do that. Have I ever come to you and be like, this is dumb, you're doing dumb shit. I mean, I don't know. I wouldn't be shocked, but I also don't think it would be something that you, about something this serious. Right, exactly, because it's never been, I've never done nothing like this. No, you have not. But I'm saying, this is not just for Amelia Bedelia. This is for, you know, I'm speaking to the broader audience here. Yeah. There are a lot of people listening who are Amelia and there are a lot of people listening who are Mia. Who are Mia? So I, my, my role here is to try to. You're right. You're right. I'm right. It's OK. My role is to try to approach this with empathy and understanding, because that's how we get to a place where we unlearn the things that are hurting us or holding us back or the things we're doing that's getting in our own way. And we start to forge a new path forward. So we don't shame is not an effective motivator for long-term positive change. No. People need to feel seen and heard and valued. I've said it a trillion times. They need to feel like somebody actually gives a shit. But I do also challenge you to sit with yourself first before you even have that calm. I think a conversation checking into a loved ones well being is more than, it's beautiful, right? It's fair to say. If we have that relationship, then we should be doing that. We should feel comfortable enough to do that. Exactly. But I do, I do want you to sit with yourself and ask yourself also if you are not seeing all those other things. And really the biggest red flag is that this is a formerly incarcerated person in this relationship, moved fast and she is doing some dumb stuff. Where do you fall in line with this? Like what is the need for this conversation? It's the child in harm. Is your home girl in harm? Like some of these things too. Sometimes people be on a high horse as well. And be like, oh, this is just like so much chaos around you and I can't handle it. And I'm like, but why can't you handle it? Like what is it that you can't handle? Is it bleeding into y'all's friendship? Is it bleeding into your life right? Is it just hard for you to watch? Is it endangering a child? Like there's so many different layers. You know? And so that's what I think that's the first thing to do is assess why you think you need to have that conversation first. Yes, that's what I'm saying. And when you talk to her, making it about connection as opposed to correction is a great way to approach it because connection is what y'all should be building anyway. If this is a friend. Absolutely. So it's not girl, me and Chloe then came up with a list of reasons why you are the dumbest bitch breathing. [LAUGHTER] It's less of that. I haven't even said that. [LAUGHTER] Jason, that's a step too far. I was like, wow. Harsh, right. Right. And Jade has a good point about exactly how is it affecting you? It may be that she's maxing out these credit cards. And then she'd be like, hey, girl, do you have $50 I can borrow from my light bill? And now it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Because it's just two grown niggas and y'all have two grown niggas. What's going on? Yeah. So I think we've given you enough here to get started. But understand that she may be feeling extremely sensitive about the choices that she's made. And anybody saying anything about her man or her choice to be with that man may be a reason for her to push you away. And if so, OK. Because ultimately, that's a grown woman. And if she wants to have that man in her house and spend all her money on him and go into debt for him or whatever else to have that man around, she can make that choice. Yes. And unless she or her son are being abused, it's precious little you can do about it. So take some time. Think about all the things we have told you here. And then craft an approach to her that is respectful, that is caring, that is concerned, without being motherly or judgmental. Yeah, that's good. Yes. That's good. All right, Amelia. Good luck. I'm having a real love after Lacko. As you know, this first thought was to not let a love after Lacko producer be hearing this. They've been to say, and what's her email? You know, they're listening, they listen all the time. Best of luck, Amelia. All right, Jade, who's next? All right, who do we have on the list? Fettie Lou Hamer. Let's just call her that. Fettie Lou Hamer? Yes, sexually. Oh, no. I said Fettie. Oh, you did. But it's Fettie Lou Hamer now. OK, fine. Fettie Lou. Fettie Lou Hamer Wops says. All right. Hi, Crystal. [LAUGHS] You did this, actually. I did. You did this. But I thought you did it. I didn't. [LAUGHS] Hi, Crystal. I'm so happy you finally brought Crystal's couch to life because girl, and need your help. All right. I read it like they write it. Yeah. I'm one of the 600,000 plus Black women who've been pushed out of corporate America. Oh, yes. Last fall, after being unable to find work before my lease ended, I packed up my whole life to move in with my parents. And it's been a struggle, ever since. Oh, yeah. I come from a very traditional speak when spoken to and keep a child's place as household, and living back with my unhilled parents who refused to go to therapy is taking a serious toll on my mental health. I'm realizing my mother has some extremely toxic ways in zero boundaries. And I'm sick and tired of her. Straight like that. When Black people say, I'm sick of her, baby. Fan up, OK? Discuss it. It's so funny to me. I want us to co-exist peacefully, but she continually has me fucked up. Recently, she lashed out at me and said, I don't ask for much, indicating I'm supposed to say yes to any and everything she ever asked for, which I feel is master manipulation. Oh. I'm a 40-year-old grown-ass woman. OK. I'm 40 grown-ass years old and the oldest daughter. And I've been fighting for my life. I'm the only one in my immediate family who's gone to therapy and took it seriously. And I feel like that was shade. And I feel like living with my parents is going to put a huge damper on my healing journey. My mom doesn't take any pushback or criticism well, and is always quick to play victim when you try and kindly tell her about herself. - Oh, Lord. - Please let me know what I can do to keep my sanity until I have a full-time job and enough money to live on my own again. I've been in therapy consistently since the pandemic and not being able to go or having the privacy to talk to anyone at home is killing me softly. - Yes. - I love you and the show and wish you and Lady the absolute best. - Thank you. - Sincerely. Betty Lou. - Hey, Burr. - May that up on the spot. - You did. - Genius. - Thank you. - Oh, man. First of all, Betty Lou. Baby, we gotta take some time and talk about how the Republican Party is deliberately trying to destabilize the Black family and Black homes by going after Black women. Like the, I think that 600,000 is actually, I think the numbers I just saw was 800,000 plus. Like, yes. It is insane how many Black women have been laid off, fired and can't find work and cannot find more work. - Right. - Amply qualified. - Beyond qualified. - All the degrees, all the education, all the experience. - Because I can't stop making Asian babies on chat GPT with fat knees. - We gotta talk about y'all using AI for the worst things. But that's another. - It's an episode. - No, it's another conversation, but I know somebody who just wrote a book with AI and it's like, I've also said, no, we need to have a full fucking episode on self-publishing. (laughing) - Because as a bitch with a G.E.D., I got Vindetta's. (laughing) - Get back to this. - But, right. See, two ADHD bitches can't do shit. All right, so anyway. So you're far, like you brought this up, you're feddy, that you are far from the only one going through this. A lot of people are back in with parents or they're staying in relationships that they'd rather not be in because they need that financial stability, that multi-income household. So you are definitely not the only one dealing with having to be around some ascetic personalities that you would really rather. - It's a lovely way. - When you'd rather keep your fucking distance. - Now, when you said your mother has some extremely toxic ways, and she has zero boundaries, I knew that bitch would not gonna play with it. - No. - I said, uh-oh. - She sound like a bless. - She sound like a tether who's never gone her factory. - She does. - I was like, well, I know 100 of her. - Right. (laughing) - Right, right. So, she doesn't take pushback or criticism. She always plays the victim when you try to tell her about herself. Have you tried not talking to her? How realistic is that, I should say? And, you know, only you can answer that question, but how realistic is it for you to keep your distance? 'Cause I know you said you want y'all to peacefully coexist under the same roof. Obviously, whatever your mother's issues with you are not deep enough for her to be like, get out of my house, which is, you know, that's great 'cause everybody don't have that. But, when we're stuck between a rock and a hard place, I like to then say, okay, what do I have control over? Because you've been through a lot of bullshit over this past year. You probably loved your job or your career. And now, of a sudden, you find yourself out of work, unable to sustain, living by yourself, and back in a situation where it's this or the streets. Like, okay, not much of a choice. Didn't see yourself being in this position. Right, probably worked really hard. You're 40 years old, so you right up there with me and Jade. And you have probably hustled your whole life and really worked to establish yourself. And now, all of a sudden, it's all being, you know, just thrown out from underneath you. So, what do you have control over? You can't get your mom to go to therapy or take it seriously, probably saying what your daddy or anybody else in your home. What can you do? Can you limit the amount of time you spend with them? Can you, is there anybody in the house that you can be even remotely aligned with? As far as like, damn, mama really be doing the most. And then when you say something to her, she got to attitude and act like you called her the worst. I guess I'm just the worst mother in the world. Oh my god, I can't get anything. And I just don't do. I'm just the worst mom. You might as well have had a crack at mom. Oh my god, they don't say the same shit. What if I just talk about that? I should just die you'd be better off without me. Like, damn, girl. All right, listen here. Maybe take it to consideration that like, I'm a human being and I can say, no, I have autonomy and things along that nature. But, you know, you take it to hell if you want to. I don't even think you need to. Like, I don't know your parents. So, this is all assumption. I don't know them. We're working on what we know. But based off what I, you know, just see really quickly. I don't think they about to put you out. I don't need that. And I'm wondering what it looks like for you. And I say this from a personal standpoint. My mother hates that I smoke weed. (laughs) And what do you, and she doesn't say anything anymore. She used to, I mean, when I tell you, it used to drive her up a wall. Yes, she really hated it. She hated it with her whole ass, the whole soul. And I think my mother had to relinquish some control when she read, and I had to also release. Like, why do I let this lady stress me out? I love her to death, right. But why do I let her stress me out? And you're not even in my house. Yeah. And I think once I released that and was like, you can say whatever you're gonna say. And then I'm gonna be over here doing whatever I'm gonna do. And it's not, neither one of us will affect the other. I think when I released that and released that tension and that stress I would feel anytime she would contact me because I knew it was getting ready to be a conversation about something else I was fucking up on. And my mother also went to therapy and released her control as well. But that aside, I think I had to release my own stuff first. In order to be able to coexist with her peacefully. And there really wasn't a world, has my mother like blocked, has she blocked me before? Has she cut me off a couple of months, yeah. It was a vacation. And so I say all that to say, I don't think they're gonna put you out of the house. If you say, hey, I don't like this, well. And not in a way where you cuss an amount or you're getting disrespectful or you're getting out of pocket, but it's just kind of like respectfully, no. What's gonna happen from there? Yeah, they're gonna pull out the belt. Like what's, that's what, what's gonna happen from there? They, I don't think they're gonna pull out the belt and they're not gonna put you out the house. Right. So I'm thinking things along the lines of like setting and enforcing boundaries as much as you can even though they don't like it. Yeah. But also, you know, you kind of give up on this idea that you can change them or that they're ever gonna be any different. You understand her limitations, the things that, you know, you, you've already said it. They're unhealed. They're not going to therapy. They don't care about all that, right? Would you teach people how to treat you? Right. And that is not necessarily a dynamic where you can reason with them. You know, it's, and that's what makes it so frustrating. Yes. Because it's like, yes. That's why I had to get to a point of like, well, what you gonna, what you, what you gonna do? Right. What are you gonna do? Right. So again, what's under your control, the things that you say or do or think, those are under your control. So take as good of care of yourself as you possibly can while you're in this situation, tune out the bullshit as much as possible. And when I say take care of yourself, I mean, like make sure you spend time outside the house with other friends, you're eating well, getting enough sleep, getting some movement, acknowledging your feelings. I know you said therapy's not in the cards right now because it sounds like you're in between jobs. Oh, yeah. Journaling, talking to people who get it, but you gotta make sure that you're feeling your feelings and getting them out somewhere. So that could be a private journal on your phone. If you are worried that your mother may go through your things in your room, which it just wouldn't shock me if she acts immature in this way. So because you can't get support from your parents because your parents are the problem, you need to get it from somebody else. So this is where friends and other people come into play. I'm always hesitant to recommend online communities, but this is like perfect. This is what Reddit is for. Yeah. There's a Reddit community somewhere for people who have to move the threads. Those are pretty hinged black people the most part I feel like. But like this is what I'm saying. So many people right now, adults who were out on their own, the economy is fucking terrible. So so many people are in this situation. You can commiserate with those people. It feels good to know that you're not the only one and to get tips from people who are also going through the same thing. Yeah. It's a combination of all the things that we've suggested here. But then you also need a light at the end of the tunnel. - Yeah, 'cause she's in a parent-demic right now. (laughing) - There's a parent-demic going on. - She's in a parent-demic and you need to know that the vaccine is on the way here. (laughing) - I'm not gonna say what that vaccine is, but yes. - Right. - It's right. - So, however you can begin to try to craft some sort of exit plan for yourself, as it sounds like an extremely unhelpful dynamic for you to be in. I'm sure you're looking for a job. I would really be hitting the ground as hard as possible with that while understanding that this is a very difficult time. But yes, starting to have even if you are not able to execute the plan right now. - Yeah. - Just spending time thinking about how you gonna get out of this, like, man, I'm gonna keep trying, I'm gonna find me a job. I'm gonna do odd little things on the side. You know, dog walking or whatever. - Exactly, exactly. - I'm gonna do other little stuff to get my money together. - Girl, go be a barista. - Yeah, you moved back in. It sounds like you're back in your hometown. Do you have any friends who are still there? Link up with them. Is somebody maybe looking for a roommate where you can pay maybe just a few hundred dollars a month instead of a few thousand and grants and you're still sharing a home, but it's not with your parents. - The other thing I would encourage you to, very lovingly, you said you, you know, and I understand how, you know, it's like when a nigga tries you and you've done all this work on yourself and you're like, yo, I'm about to fuck you up like the days of your day of your life. - I'm about to fuck you up, like-- - Just like, shut up. - I want you to find all of these modalities that Crystal just spoke about or something that works within those because you made a mention here of going to therapy, taking it seriously and you feel like living with your parents is putting a huge damper on your healing journey. Don't allow this dynamic to fuck you up for all of the work that you've done. Don't let it undo all of the work that you've done on yourself. You put that intention and that time into yourself and while people will absolutely take you out of yourself and your space and your healing. - Yeah. Don't even give it, don't even give them that power. - Well, it's important to remember that healing isn't linear anyway. It's possible that even if you still had your job and you were living away from your parents, that the results of the effects of growing up with them would still be affecting you anyway. You can still work the skills that you've been given. You are not in the same place that you were before you ever went to therapy. So, yeah, Jada's right that you don't have to respond in the same ways that you would never respond to a girl. - Yes, tap into the clothes. - Get out of the house. Spit as much time away from them as you can. Go to the library. - Go to the library. - Go to the library to look for jobs. - Yes. - But also they have a lot of classes and free things. - Right. - Accessible at the library that poured you in those directions. - Yes. - Take the fuck out of there and let them you know just be miserable together. - Yes, see what's going on your city free or low cost stuff to do. Again, friends and other people to hang out with. So important, but like when you're in a situation where you have to live with somebody and that person is not going to change the hurtful ways that they have. Again, what is under your control? - Yes. - Wake up in the morning, fix that coffee to go. - Like you go and leave like you go in to work. (laughing) - Yeah. - Yeah. - But don't tell them that you go, because then they're gonna start asking you for money and all these details. - Not just tell them that you're going to look for jobs. Especially boomers, they love to think that you're going to print out some resumes and pass them out in businesses. They think that's how it works. - I'm going to put up some flyers for a job. - Yeah, I'm going to advertise my babysitting services at the church. (laughing) I'm trying to see if I can acquire about a job done at the homestay. - Yeah. - You know, I don't fucking know. - But. - All of this stuff, but you have to have hope is the thing. You have to have hope that things are gonna get better for you that you're going to figure out your life out that you're going to be okay. And you are gonna be okay. Just keep working and it's not always gonna be easy. Some days are gonna be better than others, but be gentle with yourself and keep pushing. I'm sorry that you're going through this. - Yeah. - And it could be me or anybody I know at any time, 'cause things are crazy and only looking crazier. - Literally. - So. - Literally. - And I'm glad that you have a safe space to go to at physically, physically safe. - Right. - Right. But, you know, also, they're not trying to fight you. So like, they're not gonna fight you. They're not gonna put you in. So it's like, you know, a little boundaries. You gotta respect my boundaries. - Right. - And leave. - But trying to get your parents to be different, you don't wear yourself out and you need all your energy to pour into you to get you out of there. So, best of all, who did you call this person? - Oh, what did I call her? - This wasn't Fannie Lou Hamer-Wap, was it? - It might have been actually. - No way! - Yeah, I think this was Fannie Lou Hamer-Wap. - Oh, okay. - Well, oh yeah, 'cause it was Amelia Bedelia before that. - Okay. So, best of luck, Fannie Lou Hamer, love you, babe. - Wap, sorry. I ain't forget the wap. - I made it up on Spotify. - No, I'm really proud of you girl. - Really proud of you. (laughing) - All right, who's next? - Okay. We're just gonna call this next person, Crystal with a K. - Okay. - And also, we are doing a trigger warning. This actual assault. - Copy. - So that, you know, you all understand what's gonna happen. That's why you can tell when Jade lowers her tone that she's being very serious. - I'm trying to, but now we're respectful. I'm gonna come in this bitch all rambunctious, and you know what I'm saying? - We're the goofy ass drama, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, "Ah, your name is. " Oh, no, that is not the content for that. - Just kidding. - Okay, so we're just gonna call her Crystal with a K. - Okay. - I could really use some advice sorting out this sticky situation. - Okay. - I became best friends with a guy in high school, and we're now in our late thirties. We had a strictly platonic relationship until about six years ago when we got super drunk and slept together. I felt nothing afterwards, but he confessed to me a few weeks later that he's always harbored secret feelings for me, even though he knows he can't have me in that way. - Okay. - I tried to be as gentle and respectful as possible and letting him down, but I made it clear that the feelings weren't mutual. Sleeping together actually confirmed that for me. - Oh, tea. - She said, "I wonder. " - And then we fucked, and I knew the show would be near. - Yeah. - That's real actually. - Another time, okay. About eight months later, I started dating someone, and I could feel the strain in our friendship. I let my friend know that I was concerned, and he assured me it was nothing. When our friendship started to get back on track, I called him over to give him the details of my night after I slept with the new bay for the first time. I still had last night's fluids on me. So after letting him in, I jumped in the shower as I finished the conversation, which is something I've done a million times over the years in our relationship. But this time he decided to come into the shower and sexually assault me. I begged for him to stop, and he eventually did. - Oh, no. - He explained that he was just trying to get me to see that he is deserving of me, and he was jealous of my new boyfriend because he was a square. - I hate me. Sorry. - Sorry, I know. Sorry. - I instantly stopped being friends with him. We haven't talked for over five years, with the exception of him reaching out to explain and apologize once a few years ago. - I missed our friendship and decided to unblock him, and we briefly discussed again why our friendship ended. He said he didn't see anything wrong with his actions at the time, because we'd slept together before, and that he'd stopped once he saw it was serious. - Oh my God. - Okay. I miss having a close friendship, but I strongly regret reaching out to someone that sexually violated me. - Yeah. - It's clear that he hasn't grown in any aspect. I've been in therapy for years so I can see my growth, but this feels like a major step back. Any advice is welcome. Thanks, Crystal, with the K. - Okay. Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you. - Yeah. - His explanation is so infuriating. - It's troubling too, man. - Right, 'cause that means you have, you have a rapist mentality, nigga. What do you mean? You thought it was okay because we slept together once, and then you stopped once you saw I was serious. If I didn't invite you into the shower with me, why would you jump in? Okay, I'm married. If I told that nigga right now. - No. - Right. - And he did it anyway? - That would be sexual assault. - Yes, that is right. - Because I said no. - Right. - It doesn't matter if you did it before. - Stopping once he saw. As soon as you said no, you were serious. The idea that, this man is a horrible person. - Yeah, I hate your friend. - Yeah, I hate your ex-friend, right? - Yeah. And I am sorry you dealt with that. That's not. - But the crazy thing about being human is that we can miss people who dogged us the fuck out. - Mm-hmm. - And that is, [BLANK_AUDIO] sounds like you are maybe blaming yourself a little bit for having these conflicting feelings for ever having reached out in the first place that you're like, wow, I unblocked him to hear this explanation. He still said something fucking stupid. Like, why would I even open myself up to that? This is such a huge step back in my progress. And it can be very easy to start dragging yourself, blaming yourself for those things. So if that's what you're going through, I want to first stop you and say, you're a human being, you are not the first or the last person to be mistreated by someone and still miss that person or reach out to them or want them around or yearn for them. It is human emotions are not black and white, they are not cut and dry. The rest of us can read stuff like this and feel away or people can jump to their judgments or whatever else. Actually, being a human and living this life is not that simple, it's not always that clear cut. - No. - Again, and I said this in an earlier letter, healing is not linear. It doesn't have to be a major step back that you reached out and this is the response you got. It can be a, this is confirmation that not having this person in my life is the right thing for me. - Absolutely, you might have needed to reach out. - Even though it reopened that wound, so you're dealing with the feeling of this scabbing back over metaphorically. But it doesn't have to be, oh my God, this is knocking me back so much, it can be, I really had love for this person. We've been, for instance, fucking high school. - Yeah, and I would hope that I would, I hoped that maybe that that stood on something, but I'm very clear now. - Right, 'cause you're our friends for over 20 fucking years. - Yeah. - It makes sense that you thought maybe, we didn't talk for over five years and I missed our friendship. So when he reached out, I decided to unblock him and have a conversation. And then he said something that made me realize he has not grown or changed at all. - I know, I know. - And from the late '30s and you haven't changed. - Eugh. - I mean, and they slept together six years ago. - This is what I'm saying. - It was a goal. - Like, the fact that you assaulted me and then when we had a conversation about it, you were like, in the immediate aftermath, for him to say, well, I just wanted you to get, wanted you to see that I deserve to be with you and that nigga's a square. So why are you with that nigga? Well, I gave you a chance and I didn't fucking like you. - Right. - Sleeping together only solidified for me that a friendship was the most that we could have. If he was a decent man, that either would have been enough for him and he would have gone back to me and friends or he would have said, my feelings for you are way deeper, I can't just be casual or platonic with you and ended the friendship, which would have hurt but would have been understandable because y'all weren't in the same place. - But this entitlement to your body and this, (laughs) and then years later to be like, why didn't see nothing wrong with it at the time because we had fucked before. So like, what's the big deal? I stopped when I saw you was really upset, like nigga. Do you, if one of these dirty, dick niggas popped up from my past and said, we fucked before it, I cut it off. (laughs) - I can send it once. I did not consent forever. - No, I'm in. - No. - Nobody has 24 hour access to my body. - We're not in a contract. - No, and it is a case by case basis. Every time I let somebody get that close to me, every single time. - Like Jade said, she's married. We could be married for years and years. You still do not have 24/7 access to my fucking body. - No, not at all. I, I am, I hope that you are getting the healing that you need for your heart, for your spirit. And also, I really want this nigga to look in the mirror and figure out where he is going wrong in his thinking and his mentality because again, like you say, he is bordering rapist mentality. - Oh no, it's not bordering. - You are. - That is rapist mentality. - Yeah, right. - This is rap. - Is, he has rapist mentality. - Yes. - And that is, that is deeply troubling. - Right. - In a society we're already, we see that these niggas are having a red pill reckoning. - Right. Yes. Right. And we don't take it seriously. The most powerful people in the country, we all have seen these files and documents of them trafficking young girls over the world there. - And nobody cares. - And do you know what my biggest issue is with these Epstein files and all of this shit. It's the salacious conversation around it, not being simple enough down to the fact that he was a predator to children. - Right. - That is literally it. Children were victimized and children were used. - Yes. - In these to victimize other children. And that is not, there's too much sensationalized conversation around this. You fucked on kids. - Right. - That's sick. - Right. - That's nasty. - Yes. You trafficked these children. - You trafficked these kids. - I don't get me, don't get me. - No, you're absolutely right. And we are seeing it sort of being the memification of something that is so fucking serious. And it's not just about the Epstein files, it's not just about all the people who are in it. - It's the ideology, all around, yes. - Because the ideology trickles down into the society and we have more and more people acting like-- - As we see. - And drew fucking tape. - Oh my god. - All of-- - Joe Rose was piece of shit. - Yeah, all of pieces of shit, all of them. - Yes, but like you said, this red pill, right wing, these podcasters who are spewing like similar sentiments and all that, it starts to affect the collective's ideas of what's acceptable and what isn't. So I'm happy that you, Crystal with a K, are clear that like this is fucked up and his explanations then and now are fucked up. It just also sounds like you're blaming yourself or that you have some shame around the fact that you decided to talk to him. And that's where I'm trying to gently give you an alternate way to look at this. This was a friend that you had since you were teenagers. - Yeah, you reached or you allowed him the chance to say something. Y'all mean, and I'm not even gonna say an alternate that of what he could have said because first of all, it doesn't change what happened and secondly, I don't wanna give niggas no ideas. I don't wanna give him a script. But he said the wrongest thing. - Yeah, he did. - And so I just want you to know that like, it doesn't have to be that this derails you. It may be that it's a temporary sort of, oh God, I'm feeling distracted, I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm feeling regret. But I also gave it a chance and now I know this person is not someone worth having in my life. I can close the door, lock it permanently and work on moving on from here. Like, yeah. This is a terrible thing that happened to you. I hope you have close friends that you can talk to about it. As always, gonna recommend therapy for you if that's accessible to you, but. - She's in therapy. - Yeah, okay, wonderful. This may be controversial. But if you have mutual friends with the man who did this to you, I think I would consider telling them. - Because again, this nigger is harmful. This nigger is toxic, this nigger, and he doesn't show enough remorse or understanding of why he did with so exactly. And that's my issue, because if you do that and you do not see, then that means you will do it again. - Yes. - And you will do it with. - And probably has. And probably has. - This seems like, if a nigger takes off a condom secretly, then nigger has taken off 15 condoms secretly. - Yep, yep. I would really consider, if you have mutual friends, I would consider telling them number one, because you deserve the support. - Yeah. - Number two, because if I was friends with a man and he did something like this, I would wanna know. That's selfish of me, because it's your trauma, but I would wanna know, because I don't wanna keep community with a man who would do something like this. - I don't wanna be recessed, nigger around me. - Right, but to keep it about you, you really need the support and you deserve the support. - And you didn't deserve for that to happen to you. - At all, at all. This was a friend, you have, I wouldn't think nothing of it if I invited Jade over and jumped in the shower. The last thing I would expect is for her to come in the shower and sexually assault me. Like that is the last thing I would expect from a friend. Like, you feel like you are in a safe space. - Right, in your home. - Yes, so keep talking to your therapist. If you haven't told your therapist yet, that you unblocked him and had this conversation, please do. And I understand maybe you, if you didn't, that maybe you're feeling a lot of shame about it, but this is something you really need to work through with a professional, you need as much support as you can get and you deserve it, 'cause this was not your fault. - Yeah. - Wishing you the absolute best, Crystal, God damn man. It's a rape culture. - It is. - It is. - No, it is. - It's a rape culture and it's becoming too normal. Again, it all. always has been listening very clearly, but with this particular sect of powers that be with this disgusting shamelessness, it is creating just a really empowering, a horribly empowering sense of entitlement over women and y'all have already had that, y'all have already had that, that negative several letters back talking about you can't have anything with your name wanted. Oh, right. Yeah. That man from last years. Fuck you. Fuck. Who are you talking to? Anyway, in the middle of the night. Best of luck, Crystal. Okay. Wishing you the best in your healing journey. So much love to you. All right, Jay. And praise down for your ex-friend. Absolutely. Our next listener. Our last. Our last listener. Oh, then we should give him a grand name. Oh, Lord. I think we'll go with Luther Vendross. Okay. Because I've never met another Vendross outside of a Luther. Yeah. You know what? Exactly. Me either. I know. I thought about that with people, Bryson died. I said, bitch, I don't know. Not none of the people. I saw people die the other day that made me so sad. What else is name people? Nobody. Nobody. I guess nobody. Wow. Okay. That's so black. It is. Is that his government man? No, it's an nickname. Okay. What's his government man? Where people come from? No, I think people, I think it's like Peaco or his name is Robert Peepo. Peepo. And we've been calling him Peepo Bryson. And you know, he just decided to go by Peepo. Okay. He went by Peepo. We didn't make that up. No, no, no. Okay. Our debut albums call Peepo. Did Peepo Bryson do a whole lot of love? And Luther Vendross was on it. Look at that. Yes. He was on everything. Wait. Peepo did a whole new world, right? Yes. Yes. That's how I've learned about him. A dazzling place. I never. Because me and my cousin was obsessed with that soundtrack. We worried out. And I said, what the fuck kind of name is Peepo? Even as a kid, I was like, Peepo. You know who I hated as a kid? The whispers. It was those moustaches. Anyway. Okay. We're going to actually call you Peepo Bryson. Not Luther Vendross. Hey, Peepo. Hey, Peepo. He says, Hey, Crystal. Hey, I'm a 43 year old queer man who recently relocated. Oh, man. Anyway, I know. You committed now. I know. I didn't do that on purpose. I promise. I promise. Who recently relocated back to New York from Chicago after 15 years away. I am kind, successful. I like that you put kind of first. Yeah. Successful driven. And I've even done some modeling. Okay. Five. I'm 65. Oh, baby. He's an anal shortking here. Work out regularly. Have great friendships. Go to therapy and love and respect my mama. Sounds like a catch like that. Here's the thing. I could never get past a second date. And I'm 43. I do a lot of self reflection. So I know that when I like someone, I have a tendency to come on strong. Oh, I text often. I like to keep one type of making new plans together. And I expect a lot as far as communication. But I also make that clear from the beginning. And I openly invite them to tell me to pump the brakes because I do have the ability to recalibrate. Okay. You go to therapy for real. You do. Okay. I'm hearing it. I'm hearing it. After moving back to New York City, I reconnected with someone I'd shared a flirty relationship with for years without ever really pursuing anything. My career is going really well after moving back. So I invited this person to a work event that meant a lot to me because I work in a field where events like this can be overwhelming. Gotcha. He was great and even took candidates of me throughout the evening to make sure that I had something to commemorate the night. The romantic and physical connection was seemingly there from both ends. But that's where it ended and I haven't heard from him since. We have a close mutual friend who was amazing and said, this man couldn't stop talking about the fact that I was moving back to the city. Apparently he had made imaginary plans about what our relationship in life would be like if we were ever together. And now that I'm standing in front of his face, he seemingly lost all interests. It seems to be a pattern with me and men. Always the first day, possibly a second, then into the abyss. I've tried working on everything. My fashion, my hair, my brain, my breath, my body. It's important. It is. Are you scraping that tongue? My taste and men, I even let it go completely to work on myself and spend almost two years not having any sort of physical or intimate interaction with anyone for that entire time. Nice. I'm lost at this point and it feels like my therapist is simply serving platitudes. What's my problem? Help me, Chris. People, Bryson, aka Luther Vandross. Oh, man. Well, it is because some of this is just dating. And from what I know about gay men and the dating world, this is not all that uncommon. But also, I'm gonna tell you like I told Ogre last week, it does sound like you're doing too much too fast. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of self-awareness here, but also. Yes. But also, you said I come on strong. I text a lot. I stay on top of making new plans. I expect a lot of spark as communication. And I tell them, you know, you could tell me if I'm doing too much, but this is how I am. Okay. So, unfortunately, if I have to tell you to adjust your behavior, I'm probably probably not going to do that. So listen, you're doing a lot with me now. Yes. You're doing just kind of probably fall back. Now, that's not necessarily right though. That's not right the way that they fall back. Well, I mean, in the early stages of dating, you know that you are not aligned. It's nothing wrong with being like, yeah, I don't see a third date here. No, not at all. Yeah. But if you just don't say it at all, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do. I know what you're saying. So, this is this is part for the course with dating and this is part for the course with humans. Yeah. And it may be that other people don't have the language for it or they don't know how to say it without hurting your feelings, which is what gets people caught up. This, I don't want to hurt your feelings thing, which is understandable. But I was speaking for me. If I met someone I was interested in or like, like you said, with this situation of somebody you met and y'all never really pursued anything and you came back to the city and it was like, damn, the chemistry's here and all that. But then after a day, it just kind of fizzled out and didn't go anywhere. If I know that your baseline, your default is to come on strong and expect a lot of communication and it be making plans and we doing this and text back and I expect a lot and all this, I'm not going to argue with your baseline with your default way of being. I'm just going to remove myself because I don't want to do that. Yeah. I also, so this person, so you all, you all definitely had a connection already. Yeah. This is not new. Right. What does it look like for you to have an honest conversation with this person, not in a, not in a out of desperation or like a, I really want to go out again. But like, you know, I'm trying to get some insight here. Yeah. Can you, like, do you, like, let's have a coffee and you tell me, right, what is it that you are feeling? You know, what, what is it that maybe like had you fall back a little bit? It might give you a perspective that you haven't gotten yet. Your therapist don't date you. Right. So after she gives you all the healthy shit, all she can do is give you bladitudes at that point. Right. All she can do is look at you and be like, well, you six, five, nigga. I don't know. You're fine. I don't know. You seem fine to me. So maybe ask the person who was so gung-ho about you coming back and then fell back. Right. That, that, you, it may, you may hear some things you don't want to hear. Right. But they may be insightful in helping you to figure out what this is. And also, it just may not be you. My nigga, like, yeah, you, it, you may not have met the person who was meant for you yet. And that is also okay. Maybe you are meant to be in a live in the relationship where you go have you some physicals over here. And then you got you somebody at the crib because you all enjoy spending time together with no expectations. Yes. But I based off this email, the fact that you are presenting a, I text off in, I like to stay on top of plans. I expect a lot of communication and we have not even gotten to a third day. That would stress me out. You already doing a lot. This is what I'm saying. Like this nigga text me, you're coming on. Yes, I can burn. You're coming on way too strong for me. I need you to be way more chill in our first and second date. Like, we don't even know each other yet, bro. Like, yeah, I need you to be way more chill about your approach until we have decided to take things to that next level. It sounds like you're giving relationship behavior in talking and dating stages. That is going to be off putting to a lot of people. Just based off this email. If there is anything I can say that I think, oh, this is what's scary in the hose. You are slightly scared. And I probably wouldn't sit down and have a conversation. conversation with you about it because we've only had two dates and it's not crazy for us to just not. Nobody's getting ready to pop up and be like so the holes are scared. Right it's just more like we're not compatible wishing you the best of luck so that you know you said what is my problem like Jade said you might not have a problem but if I had to guess it sounds like that. I would say that if you send me a calendar in vain. Baby already confirmed a plan. Please. Please do not check in with me a fourth time. I got it. Yes. I'll be there. I will be there. Trust that it won't be there. I will hit you up. I promise. And if I'm not there then I'm not for you and you should probably want to write me off anyway. So why do we need to text often when we have not even had two dates? No. The crystal text me last night to make sure I was still coming to this. Yes. I also had not talked to her in three days. Right. So she's like I just need to make sure that this Lucy Goosey bitch is coming into the studio. Just making sure she knows because you know these are our plans making sure she's ready. She's a busy girl. Yeah. But if she texts me four times. Right. I would not be here right now because I'll be over. I'm like I want to be not anymore. Yeah. Oh people in dress. I think that maybe it. Yeah. But you know you you really do on paper you sound like a catch. Yeah. So I think maybe if you could chill a little bit. If you could chill. Just like our good sister earlier. Yeah. Everybody just relax. The Commune Nantes. Everybody Commune Nantes. Everybody just breathe with me one two three. Let's Commune Nantes. Exactly. Nantes. You feel it. Yes. It loosened. Nantes in a calm peaceful place now. Good. She should be. Right. And then we can approach. And then we can get some. Yes. I was gonna say. And then we can approach dating maybe from a common place and a more mindful sort of less pressure. Right. Right. Less pressure. Right out the gate. One thing that and this made tie into I'm not sure what sort of attachment issues you have. It sounds very anxious. But I dated someone once who like we met at a party connected exchange numbers and then she did not text me for like five days. And that was so good for me. Yeah. Because first of all, pretty rare for lesbians. But secondly, very rare for lesbians. Please. Secondly, it gave me some time to really sit and think about how like I'm so used to just immediately go on zero to 100. To calm her fucking mouth. Doing the fucking most. And this person had a much healthier way of like it's not that I'm not interested. We are setting up a date. We're gonna go out. But I'm not gonna text you all day. Every fucking day before we even have the chance to go out for the first time. Girlie pop. I don't even know you. We also save some of the. Save right. Conversation. Save the appeal. Right. We did not exchange Instagram. Oh, that is also stop doing that. Okay. Leave nothing to the imagination. I'm just saying I'm not even talking to people of them. Draws anymore. I'm just saying it can be nice to take a step back and approach dating differently when you're used to always just immediately diving in head first right into the deep end. Like let's take a slow babe. Yeah. What if we took a slow? Never too much. Never too much. Never too much. Never too much. Mugaspi. Yeah. Are you a Capricorn? You can email me and let me know. Jada Jadavalljades.com. I don't know. It's giving Leo. It's there's maybe in the big three. Is there a Leo move? Capricorn might have jumped out at me. I'm definitely getting overachiever. Everything's going great. I'm great. Perfect teeth. Beautiful smile. You know that. Nice. You know that. You know people that drop down great teeth. You said did this every six months. Like clockwork. Good luck. Good day, my name. Yes. And bring this up to your therapist. I'm like I asked a bitch on an advice show and she said maybe I'm doing too much. Just say what your therapist asked to say. And her friend was worse. But yes. Let's ask how it goes. Thank you so much for writing into the show and let us know how the dating goes. If you decide to take the advice or not, babe. All right. That is going to wrap up this week's episode of Crystal's Catch. Thank you so much, my sister. Thank you for having me again and helping me with the letters. You can follow her online at Jada Valjade and you can follow us at Crystal's Catch. If you want to check up on everything we're doing on this internet, social medias and such. And if you have a question for me, send me an email, [email protected]. We'll see you next week.