Session 30 ft. Jade

(upbeat music) - Hi, and welcome to Crystal's Catch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. We are back to answering your letters, the old school old-fashioned way, which means a jade of all jazze is back in the studio. - Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. - How are you, sister? - Oh, I'm well. Your favorite, Abolita's here. (laughs) - Yes, a girl, Nixon five, four, six, all the worst going on, but isn't she? (laughs) - Now listen, I know you all have been having all these beautiful guests that you're looking at. - Yeah. - And they've been coming in with the beat. You've been having the sexy lady. - Please don't start. - All of the things, you know what I'm saying? I just kind of whisked into the room like a cool breeze. - Okay, all right. - But, Nixon five. - Okay. - You know what I'm saying? Mexico, we up. - I don't know. And Niggas is in the building. - Hey, for having me. - Of course, it's always a pleasure to have you. The people absolutely adore you, so. - Wow, that's such a-- - Had to bring my sister back to get back into some of these letters. Everybody don't want to do life calls. A lot of people was like, "Girl, no." (laughs) Don't wanna read my email. In fact, how Jay read it, and have her jazz up my fake name if you want to. - Do you want a name, sugar? - You don't have to. - But, we can dive right into the mailbox as soon as you're ready. - All right. - First letter. - All right, our first letter comes from Michaela Angela Davis, Angela Davis. And she says, "Hi, Crystal. I just want to start off by saying I love this podcast. And I'm so proud of you, Lee." I'm a 29-year-old black woman from New York City. - Here you come with us. - And me and my boyfriend, of Très Agnios, are planning on starting apartment hunting in the fall. I'm currently living with my parents and my brother. While I'm excited for this new chapter, I'm nervous about the amount of responsibility that will be left on my mom's plate. My dad was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease about five years ago, and my household has had to pitch in with his caretaking. I've become a right hand for my mom and caring for my dad in the house in general. If my mom is the president, then I'm the VP. My president is black, my Lambo is blue. My brother also pitches in, especially now that he is out of work, but me and my mom take on most of the responsibilities. My dad does not have a home health aid, excuse me, but only part time. I see the toll that being a caretaker and holding down a full-time job has taken on my mom. She has always encouraged me to do what makes me happy and live my life for me, but being there for her is still in the back of my mind, especially with how selfless she has always been. I don't want to continue the cycle of my mom always caring for someone, and not having the time to care for herself, whether that be her children or now her husband. How do I overcome the guilt of leaving my household in this new chapter of life? Any advice would be appreciated? Thank you. It's from Michaela Angela Davis, Angela Davis. Michaela Angela Davis, Angela Davis. What a name. First of all, congratulations. Congratulations, sugarpie. 29, boyfriend of three years, clearly is going well. Looking for apartments in New York City, I hope y'all are ready for this astronomical rent. Which as a native, I'm sure you are just sick, and the way things have progressed. It was nine white people on my block, and each flat bush last night. Girl, I told you, I'm not in together. No, I know, but I told you, when I saw a white woman in tabbies walking down the block, I said, we are fucking cooked. We are cooked. What do you mean? White girls with tabbies are nothing. No, no. It's over. It's over. My God. I saw a video of a white woman. Yes. She's been in New York. They are. Are they jogging around? East New York. East New York. East New York. It's crazy. She's crazy. She's crazy. So, but anyway. Sorry. Michaela Angela Davis, Angela Davis, and already knows obvious. She knows. Okay. So, your mom, you've seen your mom be a caretaker. Your whole life is what I'm getting from this and now you feel guilty because you're leaving and some of that support for your mother will not be there anymore. That's understandable, but it also sounds like your mom is encouraging you to get out there and spread your wings and, you know, fly and enjoy life and figure things out anyway. So, I think when someone has a severe illness or disease like your dad does where they need, you know, around the clock care, I, it's hard to fulfill that role. I'm glad he does have a home health aid, even if it is just part time. If you all can look into getting somebody to come in even more often, that would, I'm sure that would be a great help to your mother, but there's, I'm trying to think of a way to say, shit happens and we all kind of have to roll with the punches and adapt anyway. Like your, it is, we can have empathy for your mother and like, oh my goodness, this must be so overwhelming. You know, you went from taking care of your kids, taking care of your husband. And we can also say just because I'm moving out, doesn't mean I'm no longer going to be a help to the family. Of course. Of course. Of course. What do you think, Jay? I agree. I think that, you know, when you have a, a relative that's ill or needs extra care, that's just a difficult place in general, and I think the chips fall where they do, the people who step up, step up, you leaving. I hope there's no guilt around that. Are you leaving to go be in your own space and pursue your own course of life? There's not wrong with that. Yeah. You're not about to leave your mother high and dry. Right. You also can't change the circumstance of where your father is right now. Your mom's going to care, she's going to care for your father. So maybe you find little ways to like pour into her and make sure that you just release any guilt around, also continue and important to yourself. Right. Maybe once a week, you send an Instacart to the house, you go by when you can to, you know, just check on your dad, see how he's doing, see what help your mom needs around the house. You have a brother, I would like to, I would like to see. I would hope that in your absence, your brother steps up and becomes the new VP, which is another conversation of like, we kind of just assume boys and men can't be or won't be efficient caretakers. And, you know, I struggled with whether to talk about this on the show, but my mother has been seriously ill for several years. Since I was in grad school, it's been cancer and brain tumors and heart, it's been a lot. She's very ill. And I, you know, I'm clear across the country. There's not much I can do other than, you know, financially and stuff like that. And so it has been my two brothers and my male cousin who are in Oklahoma, who have stepped up and really taken care of her. And we just moved my mom to Texas to live with my brother and sister-in-law. And as I was helping her do that, like I flew to Oklahoma to then fly her to Texas, which was if you've never traveled with somebody who is both elderly and disabled and not all there mentally, maybe the amount of patience you have to have, the amount of, there's so much extra time that you have to build into everything because it's not just get up and go and blah, blah, blah, blah. You just have to really force your steps in there for, it's so much to think about. It's so much time and consideration that goes into that. And so I look at your situation, Angela Davis-Makela as well, as being similar to mine in that, it's going to take more than one of us, like she was with my younger, she was with Adam, now she's with Brock and I'm sending money, I'm sending money, you running down a lot financially. And that's also helpful, that's also useful because I'm not there physically and I'm unable to help physically. I do help financially because that's how I can be there and when I am physically there, I'm obviously helping but that day-to-day in and out caretaking work, yes and my brothers are holding it down. So don't think just because your brother is a man that he can't step up and help take care of his father because- She's contributing. Right. But she also said, you know, if mama is the president then I'm the VP, so you know, you and your brother can switch places, now he can be the VP and you can be the one to step in and help where you can but you also deserve to go live your life. You do. Yeah, and your mom knows that, she's saying that, that's what she's saying that to you. Yeah. You know, I think about it from a mother's aspect too, as Noah is coming up, I'm like, you know, there's many things that I have obviously sacrificed for her, but I never want her to have to sacrifice to the point where she puts her- I had life. Yeah. I lived a lot of life. I got a lot more life to live. You're not dying in five minutes. You act old. But you're young. Snap was born old, but I believe that I really do. Born, smelling like rambies or rice. I was. I do. Why do you smell like dinner? Hey, hey, hey. Oh. - She's not me, ma'am. - Because I did it already. Anyway, I want her to get all of her life's experiences while I know there will be things that will come up. She's an only child of two parents now. You know what I'm saying? - There will be things that come up, but my hope is always that she gets to experience life because she deserves to experience life. And I know your mother feels the same way, McKelleie, Angela Davis, Angela Davis. - Yeah, I mean, you're also not even leaving the city like you just getting your own space. - Right, so you know, you can remind yourself that taking care of your parents is not actually an obligation. It's something you do because you want to. It sounds like you're a mom and dad poured into you in a way when you were growing up that made you want to reciprocate now, which is beautiful. And so you do that to your abilities. And for people we love, we sometimes go beyond what we have the capacity for, but we don't always do that. Because then it's to our own detriment and we do still have to take care of ourselves. But you have to keep reminding yourself like just because I'm not in the house does not mean I'm not part of this family. It doesn't mean I'm not part of his care team. - Yes. - And it doesn't mean that I'm gonna leave my mother, you know, high and dry. And so little things you can do for your mom, spa days, you know, let's go get our, let's go get pedicures. - Yeah. - Send us some dinners. - You know what, get her out the house. - Get her out the house, get her out the house. - Take it to the movies. - Yeah. - Let's go have some wine, mommy, and talk about anything other than daddy. You know, like little things like that. But I think as you take the step and then you see how you can balance this new life with your current responsibilities or your old life, you'll start to see that guilt dissipate. I can relate, but it's also like, I'm doing the best of what I can. I'm helping out in a way that not only I'm able to do, but that I'm willing to do. I'm not willing to move to Texas or Oklahoma and be my mother's full-time caretaker. - And that's also okay. - It has to be. - Yeah. - Because this is my life. - Exactly. - So I'm helping in my way. - Yeah. (laughing) Anyway, I don't wanna make this too much about me, but I have not talked about my mom's illness at all for the past several years. So it's like, I feel like this letter was a great time to just say, I know how you feel and keep on keeping on. - Basically. - Stop saying stuff that's making me sing songs. - So you blame me for your neurodivergence? - Yeah. - Okay. - For my intrusive thoughts with that neurodivergence. - That's very wow. - Okay. ♪ 'Cause you came and you changed my world ♪ ♪ Your lips ♪ - All right. Next one, she's so old. Good luck. Good luck. Who is next? - All right, I'm gonna let me settle myself. - Please, please, 'cause you're rowdy. - And her name is Mariah. And we're gonna give you all a trigger warning because there is sexual assault involved in this. So I'm gonna make sure we handle it tenderly. - Okay. - Hey, Crystal. Throughout my life, I've experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times. At 17, my mom's boyfriend sexually assaulted me. She and 18, her next boyfriend did the same. At 32, I was assaulted by someone else entirely. - Lord. - Here's where my mom comes in. In 2021, I found out she was still talking to the boyfriend who assaulted me when I was 18. He showed up at my house with a Christmas card and she gave him my address. I cut her off for six months and she promised she'd stop talking to him. We eventually rebuilt our relationship. - Okay. - Fast forward to 2024. I moved to a new city and was living with my mom to save money. I noticed she was being secretive and going into other rooms to talk to someone named Denzel. - Secret is going. - When I checked her phone, I reversed search the number and it was the man who sexually assaulted me when I was 18. She'd been talking to him this whole time, telling him everything about my life, my mental health struggles, my psychiatric hold, my jobs, everything. When I confronted her, she lied at first. Then he sent me a long email proving he knew all my business. Eventually, she admitted it and said, "Yeah, I talked to him. I'm sorry, Mariah. I love you more than I love him." I abruptly moved out of her basement into my own apartment. Now I'm spending $2,000 a month on rent. I didn't need to spend. Yep, and I'm resentful as hell. I'm also just sad and confused. Here's what I can't wrap my head around. I've processed the trauma from the assaults themselves. I've done the work. What I can't process is that my own mother, the person who's supposed to protect me, keeps choosing this man over me. She has complete disregard for my feelings and my trauma. She puts her own needs first, even when it means staying connected to someone who hurt her daughter. Now we have limited communication because I still have stuff at our house. I told her I didn't want to talk to her, but she's crossing my boundaries and still texting me. What do I do now? Do I completely cut off my mom? I don't have a dad, so I would basically be perilous. Do I try to make this work somehow? I was in therapy doing EMDR, but I don't think that's what I need. I need to know how to handle the fact that the person who should love me the most keeps betraying me in the deepest way possible. What would you tell someone in my situation? Thank you for reading this, Mariah. Oh, Mariah. Mariah. Baby, you've been through a lot. Yeah. And unfortunately, I feel like this is a story a lot of women can relate to, especially the being sexually harassed and assaulted at various points throughout your life. While Jade was reading this, I had to physically bite my tongue from cussing your mother out. I'm gonna just be real about that. I'm feeling an extreme anger towards your mother right now. At no point did any of her decisions make sense? At no point. Your mother is clearly emotionally, she's an emotional child. Even scurrying around the house, pretending you don't, there's some growing up there that she has not done. Yeah. Which is really hard to wrap our minds around, right? Like when it's somebody who is of a certain age bracketing, you're like, you put a fake name in your phone and you're hiding your rooms, which means you know you're doing some shit. You don't have no business doing it. Right. And you know, you're right because you knew that years ago, you know, in 2021 when you first found out, she was still talking to that man who assaulted you when you were 18 and she was like, oh my God, you right. I'm gonna stop right there is where my issue is coming in because it's like, what the fuck made you want to stay in contact with the man who sexually assaulted your child? And answer that quickly. Why would you even want to talk to him as opposed to finish? Like your mother really has issues. I used to say on the read all the time, people were writing and stuff about that moment. Like your mama's a fucking bird. Like I don't know that bird is what it is with your mama, but I think Jade is on the money as far as like, there's some real immaturity going on here. And I will say this, a parent who betrays you, but trade themselves first, there's your mother has some, some shit in her life that she has not acknowledged or processed or dealt with or has pushed down, something's going on. - Exactly. - But the thing is we don't need to know what that is to know that this behavior is unacceptable. - Exactly, exactly that. - This is disgusting. The fact that she even talked to that man at all, much less twice, like went behind your back again and like sneaking around in the home y'all share. Why are you so desperate to talk to the man who did this to me? - Desperate, like she's desperate. - Like you need it. - Yeah. - You know, it's crazy because we know people, and I'm not gonna make this gender specific, right? - Yeah, yeah. - We know a lot of people who do some stupid shit for a negative. - Oh, you know, baby. - That is not gender specific. - I think it's not, it's not. - It's everybody. - It's not. - Really? - I think also, often times people, when you're in a situation that feels so grossly unnatural because it is, you spend so much time trying to make sense of it because it shouldn't be. - Right. - But you're not gonna make sense of this. Your mother, first of all, the two choices that she made in those two men back to back. - Right. - That alone right there. - There is some deep, unhealing that is happening in her underbelly that she needs to go take care of, and she may not. - She may never take care of. - She probably won't. - And so, like, and that is clear from how she moves to the partner she picks, to the way that she interacts with you in relationship and hides things from you as if you're the mother. - Yeah. - You deserve better, and you may not get better. - Unfortunately, I think it's highly likely you won't, or if you do, it'll be years down the line because like we've said, your mom clearly has our own stuff she needs to work through. You're having trouble understanding how the person who's supposed to protect you would choose this man over you because that's fucking insane. - Yeah. - In no world should it work that way. - Yeah. - Your mother is defective in her parenting. - Yeah. - And so, that's why it's so hard for anyone. - You are a human being. - Right, and you think about kids, you know, teenagers that you know, and it's like, I would seriously take a man's life for touching one of these kids as opposed to, like, it's, you already-- - Right, right. - Between the eyes and your neck. - Like, this is just, it's really absurd. So, if I were in your shoes, first of all, I would be extremely gentle with myself. Making sure that I am doing everything I can to take care of myself, throughout this tragedy that is taking place in your life. I would get my remaining things out of her home as soon as possible. Or if they're not that important to me, I would just write them off mentally. And then I do think I would have to go ahead and block her and spend some time without her in my life. And that's doubly tragic because, like you said, you don't have a dad, so you're just out here kind of parentless and you can be, you know, 35, 40 years old and not have parents and be like, what the fuck is this? You know, 'cause a lot of your peers still do. - Because you, because it is not natural. - It's not natural. - And also, it's not natural to treat somebody who came of you like that. - Right. - None of this is natural. - Right. - And you shouldn't have to endure a relationship with a sake of having a physical parent there, right? There's so much love in this world. There's so many people in this world who also, ironically, I saw a story the other day. It was a man who was expressing how his, he grieves his mother who was still alive. - Oh yeah. - Because she was a horrible mother. - Yep. - And it was so many people who could relate in that common section, who were like, I've dealt with, I'm dealing with the same thing. I'm dealing with the same thing. And also people who have grieved the losses of their children. - Yeah. - So there's so much connection and relationship out in this world. And there are people that will love you, that will choose to love you. And while it doesn't feel right, because this is who you came from, and this is a, this is a, I was telling Crystal not too long ago, a complicated relationship with a mother or a parent, especially a mother. It's like a load bearing wall in a house. - Oh yes. - A load in it, that wall may be ugliest for, but you, and you try to find every way on how to get rid of this load bearing, or beam, should I say, this load bearing beam, but the house might fall down if you get rid of the beam, right? It doesn't mean that there aren't ways to work around this beam. This beam is just, this is what's holding this shit together. And oftentimes a mother feels like that. And she feels like a load bearing beam. If this comes out, then I don't know what's going to happen to me, but you will be alright. - Right. - There's a lot of contractors out here. - Yup. - That can help you out in your, in your, and I also really love that you are trying different modalities of therapy, and tapping in enough to yourself to say, okay, this is not the one that's helping me. I actually find, I think that's a beautiful portion of this email, 'cause a lot of people just do stuff and they don't really check to see like how they're feeling along with that. So I love that you're trying different modalities. - Yes, I, um, I don't know that I would have recommended EMDR for this, maybe for processing these sexual assaults, but the issues with your mother are ongoing. You don't need to tap into the deep recesses of your mind for that, because that's happening right now. It's in the forefront of your conscience. So I would definitely recommend seeking out a therapist who specializes in working with people who have been assaulted in this way. Most therapists should be able to help you with having an incompetent mother, but to kind of go back to Jade's analogy of the load bearing beam, sometimes you're better off letting it crash, 'cause that beam is rotted. - Exactly. - And sometimes you're better off-- - You better keep that house up like that. - And you can rebuild yourself. It's just unfortunate, because you should not have to, - Exactly. - You should not have to, you should have better parents than this. - You deserve a better situation. - You deserve a better situation than this, right? And that's why healing is so hard, because that is so fucking unfair. You know, I mean, I've talked about it on this show. I've talked about it to you. The unfairness of what I grew up with was one of my biggest hurdles in therapy. I could not get over the fact that this shit ain't fair. - That's not it. - Why don't I have people who showed up differently from me? Why don't I have different experiences? How come other people get to have this and I don't? And there's no answers for that. - No, it's not, and it's a valid question, and it's a valid feeling as well, and I can also see the harm and just staying there. - Yep, you know what I'm saying? Because it's not fair, it's not fair, and this is what it was. - Yep. - And now what are we gonna do? - Yeah, so it is a balance between letting yourself feel the unfairness, 'cause you don't wanna push it away and act like it's not there. - And you've dealt with some traumas still like you deserve a lot of love. - You do, you deserve a lot of care, and you deserve people who are going to pour into you and not choose your fucking abuser over you. Like, baby, when I tell you it took everything in me not to cuss you 'em, I'm really, I'm being a gentle panda. - I'm so proud of you right now, 'cause the way I wanna talk shit. - I'm being a jerk. - 'Cause I also understand that even with complicated relationships, there is a human like visceral reaction. Sometimes you get to somebody talking about people that you love. - Yep, but Mariah, if I can't for like five seconds, just brace yourself. Your mother is a rotten selfish nasty ass. Fucking bitch, I could put hands in mother fucking feet on her because this is rotten. You were sexually assaulted by two niggas. She brought into your life, she deserves nothing good. - Don't ever bring her around me. Anyway, I'm holding you, I'm loving you, I'm hugging on you. - You deserve better than that. - First of all, fully co-sign, everything changed. - That was nice, that was my kind, that was mine. - That was my kind, that was the chickish. (laughing) - But it is going to take time and patience and work to get over this betrayal from your mother. This is not something you should have ever had to experience, no. And in addition to maybe one on one therapy is out of reach for you right now. If you can find support groups, maybe not necessarily for victims of assault, although this could be very useful, but for people who are grieving parents who are still alive, that's actually a very common phenomenon of people who are like, I have had to distance myself from my parents because they continue to hurt me and they have no regard. It's just, oh I'm sorry, oh my god. - Yeah, yeah, Denzel. - This isn't, I asked you to bring home low fat sour cream and you brought home full fat. - This is, no, this is, and then you're telling my business, and then you're telling my business to a nigga who probably caused a lot of road. - Like, what are we doing right now? - You got my rapist emailing me a giant document of everything I've done over the past. - Cut everybody's hands off, cut 'em all off. - Don't do that, no. - I will. - Don't do that. - No, I won't. - But, the anger, I hope you understand that we're feeling this anger because this is so fucked up. - It's fucked up, it's really fucked up. - You right now. - And you gotta let yourself feel the full gamut of emotions that come with this. Are you, I'm certain you're angry at your mother, but you're also devastated. - Yeah. - You've been betrayed, you've been mistreated, you've been fucking lied to by the person who's supposed to protect you the most. So, deceived. - There's something that it was, yes. - It was the liberate. - Yeah, it was like, it was intentional deceit. And that's what I gotta, that's what I got a real fucking problem with. - To them, not just a man, the man who did this to your child. Your mama's fucked up. - Yeah, your mama's fucked up. - She's got real shit going on. - She may never, ever, ever address that shit. - Yeah, and you don't deserve to continuously subject yourself to being hurt by her just so you can say you have a parent in your life. Some of us are better off without. - That is a word. - Yeah. - There's a lot of, and I have a lot of friends who have gotten in touch with a parent later on in life who they weren't raised by and been like, you know what? - God stop, nigga. - Oh, I was actually good. I was like, I'm glad that nigga wasn't in my life. - I'd be a terrible person. - Right. - So, even though their absence hurts you as a kid because they're supposed to be there, it's not just that you're supposed to be there, you're also supposed to be good at this. - You're supposed to be. - Yes. - You're supposed to want to be good at it. - Right. - I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but you know what I want to do? Protect this little nigga. - Right. - Above all else. - Like, she's in the front right now of this studio as we record this episode. - Yeah. - I got her some food. - In the fries on it, I'm getting on my fucking nerves. But I was not part of me there. - Right. - I want to hold her. I want to protect her. - Right. - I never want to inflict harm on her. I want to inflict a lot worse on anybody also inflict harm on her. But I can't fathom being the person. - Right. - Who intentionally does that? - Especially because you grew her, you birthed her, you nursed her. She is of you. - Yeah. - Imagine turning. on Noah like that. I can't, I can't. No, I can't. It's incomprehensible. So I hope you take our reaction here and understand that whatever feelings you have are absolutely right to feel because this is beyond fucked up. Yeah. And I hope you find the right therapist to help you work through the betrayal and everything else that you have dealt with at the hands of your mother. But the sooner you can get your thing so that you can block her because if I said, you know, you've done real grimy shit multiple times. Leave me alone. And you still texting me? Bitch, at what point do you listen? Uh, you can go ahead. You can tell your mother to say, you know, I got an email address. It's [email protected]. Have your mother send me your text. Wishing you the absolute last Mariah. Good luck in your healing journey, baby. I'm sorry. Lots of energetic hugs, Mariah. Indeed. Um, all right. Yes. Who is it? It's Hannah spilled backwards. Hannah. So yeah. Well, I almost, I almost took this remote and just like, just like, I'm just going to tell you off. And I would go louder. Let's all go to see the movie. I would have got louder. Is she on drugs? Yes. Oh, not the ones I'm thinking of. Oh, no. And I'm also not high right now off of weed because I build my child all day parenting. Right. Look at you being a good mom. You see what I'm saying? You see how it's inflicting no harm on this niggas. It's hard, but you don't have to deliberately hurt them either. Anyway, anyway, I know. Damn, I want to fight that lady's mother. I want to fight the fuck out of his face. Oh my god. Oh, okay. There's a lot of parents like line them up. Okay. Anyway, you're daddy too. You know that niggas. I know. I know. I know he's on your list girl. I know he is. I've had something for you. Niggas for years. Okay. Anyway, what's going on with Hannah? Hannah spelled backwards his Hannah says, Hey, Crystal. I'm looking for advice on how to move on from old friendships that didn't work out. Okay. Two and a half years ago, I met a few girls that I clicked with instantly. The four of us made a group chat and it popped off and they became my go-to girls. Two of them were already close friends prior to this. I am the type to want to be inclusive. Everything I wanted to share like memes or vent sessions was communicated in the group chat openly. The other saw things differently and I knew there were conversations outside the group chat. Not necessarily malicious or intended to leave me out, but making side plans like getting their nails done together, going to the gym. Yeah. I started feeling frustrated, especially between the two that were already best friends. The third girl also made her plans on her own with them too. Best forward six months, two of them went to a concert after party without me, but only one of them had attended the concert. So clearly, the two of them had communicated privately to link up. I'd already made it clear earlier that night that I wanted them to let me know about any after-parties since I was in the mood to hit the clear. Oh, do you? I only knew about the after-party because a mutual friend outside the friend group called me and said, "Hey, where are you? We're at the after-party. Your friends are here too." When I made my way there, I made one snarky comment about them not inviting me. They called me out for this the next day, and I was too hurt to apologize. What was the comment sister? Okay, for the record. Let me finish right. Get close to this girl. For the record, they did not want to hear me out either or acknowledge that they had ignored my messages to them about wanting to meet up for the night. Think about how I had been feeling left out, et cetera. Either way, I know. I now know I was wrong for not apologizing and wish I had let it go. Okay. The two girls seized communications with me and the third girl must have heard their side of the story too because she also stopped talking to me as well. Damn. I know six months doesn't sound like much time to have established a friendship, but to this day, I still have recurring dreams about mending my friendship with them. However, knowing their personalities, I know the two I had a direct conflict with would not be interested in rekindling the friendship. This past weekend, I saw the three of them out together for the first time in a long while with a couple of other friends. They hardly acknowledged me. It's gotten me thinking about the fallout again, and yes, I had a dream about them later that night. I'm looking for advice on how to find closure for myself and move on and hopefully to stop having those dreams. Yeah. I know the story puts me in a bad light, and I recognize that my reaction to the after-party incident was childish. The fact that you didn't tell us what the fuck you said, I know it was bad. Yep. I feel that I made a claim in the months prior. I wanted to spend more time with them, and I initiated plans a lot. But the past is the past, and I would like to emotionally move on from this, especially since they seem to be doing just fine without me. Lord. Thank you for everything you do. Hannah spilled backwards is Hannah. Hannah, there's a there's a few things here, babe. So first of all, oh gosh, please take this with all the love, you know, I'm trying to help genuinely. Everything. Everything. I'm trying to help. You, this letter gives the energy of like the new girl is trying to be besties too fast and push like this. Let's all hang out together all the time type energy, which can be very off-putting to other people. This whole, you know, everything I wanted to do, I put in the group chat, but I know they had conversations outside the group chat. Well, yes, we just met you. We're not going to do literally everything, especially with each other's people. Right. Especially because two of them were already close friends. So like you can't expect the two of them to then act like you somebody they just met a few months ago is on the same level of friendship as they are like. Yes. So there's a, I don't know that it's neediness, but I think to me, it would have felt like neediness. Like why is she so? I'm your friends in this scenario. I'm not a therapist. I'm so sorry. I did not go to the school, but I'm going to keep it all away funky with you. Okay. From the minute you started writing this email, I was like, oh, she the problem. Because if you would have pressed up for me in the same way that you did these girls, I too would have bootbaited you. I would have realized that she got to go. This girl is thirsty. Right. I'm not calling you thirsty. I'm saying the behavior sounded thirsty for you. Yes. I agree. They did not invite you to the after party, because they the fuck did you say? I said after party. They did not want to go with you, babe. Just because you said in the group chat, hey, let me know about any after parties, because I'm in the mood to hang out. Does not mean they wanted to go with you. And it sounds like you've been pushing yourself and like trying to really force this. And you know, I know that we've only, you know, it's only been six months and that doesn't sound like much time to have established a friendship, but like it is actually plenty of time to establish a friendship, but it sounds like you're trying to fast track it. It's like, it has to be true. It has to be a desire from all sides of us. Yes. It has to be organic. It can't just be, oh my God, girls, we met, we linked up. Let's do everything together now. Like new besties, new friend group, and they said you initiated all this. She said she initiated all the hangs. That tells me something. Yes. Yes. It tells me a lot. Right. So I understand that your feelings were hurt because you were left out, but I also see why they left you out. I do. I don't do well with people that I meet who are like immediately pushy and trying to do the most, and trying to force an intimacy that we don't yet have. Let us grow into that. It has to happen organically. It can't just be, I really want to be friends. Therefore, we're going to be friends. I think you're having recurring dreams about them because you know you were wrong. Yeah, and I also, and I just challenge you, you know, in the future when you're making friends and you're establishing healthy relationships, take your time with it. Yes. Also, read the room. What's the energy feeling like from the other party? I bet you you started the group chat. I bet you should try to hurt your feelings. I bet you are. We keep it in funky. We want this lady to go forward with the right relationships. And if you have problems, sometimes you need a problem. You need to find out you need to stop being a problem. So, I think what may be driving this behavior, you said that you're the type to want to be inclusive. You want everybody to feel included. You don't want anybody to feel left. That's beautiful quality. I have feeling that you felt left out a lot growing up. You felt like you weren't really part of the group. And so, now in adulthood, you're, you're looking at it like, I don't want anybody to feel that way. So, I just want everything to be inclusive and everybody together all the time. And we do everything together. But like that is ignoring the fact that people simply have different bonds. Yeah. They vibe differently with others. And even though we meet people and we click instantly, that doesn't mean we're besties. And we're going to start telling each other our deepest secrets and traumas and shit in the next couple of months. Like it also doesn't work like that. Having chemistry and vibes is great. But it's just a starting off point. It's not a complaint. complete foundation in and of itself. You have to build that with time. So I think I see what happened here. And I think your conscience will leave you alone and your, these dreams about them will chill once you give a full, complete, genuine apology. What now? - What the fuck did you say, girl? - It doesn't matter. She knew it was snarky, which, I mean, snarky could mean a lot of things. - She's niggin' stop talkin' to you all. - I bet you, I bet you, I'm stuck, she said. - That's why your mother's dead. Or something crazy. - No, you're not that bad. I don't know. - You don't know. - You probably, when they're like, guess you bitches didn't see me in the group chat. - Right. - And she's like, oh, look at the funky pussy party. Like, what did you say? - Whereas, I think most of them would have said, oh, I specifically said in the group chat, let me know about parties. And they coordinated outside of the group chat anyway because they didn't wanna hang out with me. I think, that would've hurt my feelings, yes. But the last thing I was done was go to the party and been like, huh, guess you bitches, don't know how to call me back, like. - She did not say that. It would not have cost three people to stop talking ever. - Something was, she did exactly. Detailed it for a reason. She said, I put four, three cards on four flats. So, I would write a very genuine email to the two, the third girl is whatever. I didn't say it to you, so I'm not apologizing to you. But I would write a very genuine email to the two I did and I would say, you know, I was really in my feelings because I was excluded. And so, I said something that I did not mean. I was still in my feelings the next day so I did not apologize. I understand we're not friends anymore, but I am remorseful, so I'm apologizing for what I did. And then I would leave it alone. I would not expect them to hit me back. But this is just to ease your conscience and let you have some peace of mind so you can close this chapter and approach your new friendships differently. I think going forward, you'll understand that like, just 'cause you meet people and click, doesn't mean you have to throw it, throw it, throw it, throw it. At ease, girl, at ease, you gotta, you know what I'm saying? - Yeah, right. - Especially to people who were already close friends, like, if somebody came, you know what you did to me. - They'd be, Tonya them. - Tonya, if you were a sister sister. - I was about to say, Tonya, hearted? - No, she did. - Maybe she did bustin' bitches in the knees, that's why they stopped talking. - No, no, no, no, I don't think so. - So what happened when the sister sister was? - Okay. - These are twins, okay, T and Tamara, you know? We besties, we twins, we wawawawawaw. The white girl came in and was like, oh, we friends, 'cause she was best friends with the one. So then she started using her middle name, Tonya. T and Tamara. - Tonya. - And she started dressin' like them, perm to Caucasians. - Oh, I don't know. Do you remember that? - You remember that? - I put on that. - And it was like, girl, you are out of line and out of pocket, right? Be yourself. (laughing) If you ease, you are gonna find the people that are your people. - Yeah, I guarantee you that, you got it, too. - You said, you know, I made it clear in the months prior that I wanted to spend more time with them and I initiated plans a lot. That's fine, but just because you want to spend more time and be besties doesn't mean everybody else is on that same page. They don't have to go along with that just because that's what you want. Like this is, it's not a one-side friendship is in a one-rate street, like, no, not at all. - And most people, I mean, I don't want to speculate too much about your childhood, but I'm really getting the feeling that you felt ostracized a lot and that is driving your behavior here. And I have a lot of empathy for that 'cause I understand how that is, but most people let their relationships unfold, you know, organically as they go, they grow, you know. Jayden and I were not this close the day we met. - No. - We didn't start kicking it, but-- - Yeah, so it wasn't like, but we've been friends for a long, over a decade. - Yeah, it grows. - It grows, you know, I started hitting her. I'd be like, yo, pop on them vans. You want to go to the bar? - And I do, man, my vans are my silver vans. - She put on her little checkered vans and we would trek it down to the ball. - She was like, man, bitch. (laughing) - I wore them vans out of my vans. - You wore them vans out of my vans. - Back into the position. - Okay, not even sick. They were my little flavor cigars that I brought from Oklahoma 'cause I refused to pay New York City prices for a ton backo. - That's true. - And so, but once then was gone, I quit smoking, quit smoking. And it was, that was all she wrote. - But can you imagine-- - No, at this point of our relationship. - Girl, we obviously have a lot of friends, right? - And we have met new people. - Yeah. - You know, our little Nisi Poo from the Sacred Party. She found me on Instagram. - Instagram on the day. - She just found me, I loved it. But can you imagine somebody came and sat in between us and it was like, "So, we would both be like bitch, go home." - Who? - Oh my God. - Get the fuck up. - I thought I told you guys I wanted to hang out. - Okay, and I thought-- - And we didn't know energetically at this point 'cause you are working my nerves. - And the fact that we ignored that text and texted each other about what we were like, "Why the shut up, man, I'm fine." - We not trying to hurt your feelings. - No, you do need a mirror though. - Yes. - You need a mirror because I think maybe the perception that you have and what you're seeing, that perspective that you're seeing is not the reality of it. - Right, and I want to make it clear that I really do understand the hurt here. - Yes, it hurts to feel ostracized. - It does. - So I understand your pain. I understand that your pain is what motivated you to behave in this way. - And you met me, Jada, Jada Falle, Jada's daughter. - Girl. (laughing) And I understand why your friends don't fuck with you no more. - I understand all aspects here. So yeah, go ahead and apologize for real. Send that email with no expectations and take these lessons, apply them to it. Same, it's the same sort of general ideas with a failed relationship. You take some time, you think about, not necessarily what that person did, although that probably is having effect on you, but the things maybe you ignored, the red flags, you pretended weren't there. What parts of you were being triggered by this Parsons behavior, all of that. And you take those lessons and incorporate that before you move on to the next. It's the same with friendships. You can find a healthy, fun friend group and people to hang out with regularly, but you can't force it. - You can't force it. But we do pray over you and send you energy for good, fulfilling relationships going forward in that you, you know, you do your work so that you're able to have that because you also deserve to have that. - Yep, you do. - Best of luck, Hannah, forwards and backwards. All right, Jay, we got time for one more. - Onea-mas. - Onea-mas. - Okay, let's call her Nara Smith. - Oh, the boy who's making gum from scratch. - Yeah, okay. - She's like, my husband went to some Captain Crunch, so I'll just stand up and mock them. - She says, hello, Crystal. - I'm a 40-year-old, stay at home mother of two toddler boys who have a ton of energy. - Yeah. - No, toddler boys. - I'm going to be in trouble, right? - My pussy just tightened up immediately. - My husband is the provider and does a great job about doing so financially. - Okay. - The problem is he doesn't believe in me having anything in my own name. - Oh, no. We won't be doing that. - Jay, you gotta keep reading. - He claims our religion requires the man fully and financially take care of the woman and the woman stay at home with the kids. Okay. When we get into arguments, he throws the fact that I totally rely on him in my face and says I'd be nothing and nowhere without him. - He's reading. - Oh, it's kidding him. - He says I'm living in his house. - Oh. - Jay can't take it. - Oh, bro, what's the kid? - I'm so sorry. - Jay literally malfunctioned. (laughing) Like, glitched. - You should have changed. - Literally glitched at that thing. - Whoa. - Okay. - Yeah. - Okay. - Ooh. He said I'd be nothing and nowhere without him. He says I'm living in his house and he would have me thrown out if I don't quote unquote listen. - Oh, no. - And the only apologizing he accepts is via my body. - Okay. - I've been listening to you long enough to start hiding a little money to the side and even invest in something in the stocks and made a pretty penny. - Amen. - Whoa. - Amen. - 'Cause I was not saying that you are being financially abused, but it sounds like you already know that. - My husband doesn't know I have an MX charge card and my credit is in the 800 season. - Here it comes, dude. - Recently, he's been spending more time at the church like two hours every day. So I've been dealing with the children 100% on my own from son up to son down and neither of them are sleeping through the night. I express this exhaustion to my husband and he blamed me for having poor time management. - 20 eyes. - Now I know I've been saving for the great escape, but I feel I need someone to talk to about this. So I know I'll have to dip into the pot. I have no friends, I'm with the kids all day and I feel really lonely all the time. - Yes. - I know I need therapy. Where do I start? also everything I say between myself and the therapist kept is everything I say between myself and the therapist kept that way. Love you so, Nora Smith. Okay, so first of all yes. Yes. If you see a license therapist, not one of these Instagram cultures or whatever, not the shy and brilliance of the world, but an actual license therapist, the confidentiality is it's not just part of it, it's key. If you are afraid that your therapist might go tell you are not going to be fully open in therapy. So if I were you, I would maybe look outside of my religious community. I would not find somebody who like a therapist who goes to your church, for example, but any license therapist is bound by those laws and regulations. And if they violate them, you can sue and get paid even more. Yeah. Exactly. That's what I was like that contribute to the great escape. Right. Stay out of that church therapy. Yeah, don't do that. This is wild because if you started off documenting very clear abuse and then you were like, but I've been listening to you long enough to know it's time to start saving my money so I could do it. But I'm like, oh, work, girl. Right. Because this man is abusing you a couple of different ways. Yeah. Primarily financially, it sounds like. And the idea that I let people believe what they want to believe, right? But you're the woman. So you take care of the kids and you don't need to do nothing else. But be at home with these children all fucking day. Two toddlers. Are you insane? He don't, they don't, he's delusional. He has no idea what it means. It's really nurture kids. A horrible person. Right. And they don't sleep through the night. So when do you fucking rest? Right. This is all. And then is your your poor time management? What do you even mean time management? I don't see. I don't get to get out of here. What do you mean? Where I'm supposed to go. You act like I'm spending hours a day at the church instead of being at home taking care of my family. You act like I'm whispering to these little niggas to stay up like you like what exactly? Oh, man. I'm not even gonna get into that. Um, so you got to get out of here, girl. Yes. So the question is like, you know, you need therapy where to start. Yeah. Um, it sounds like insurance is not going to be an option here because paper trail leading back to your husband. Lots of therapy. Well, you paying cash. So that opens you up to a whole nother level of therapist. Cash, you got even me jada jadavojades.com. I just wanna know. I like context and information. Okay. I pray none of you ever email her. I hope all of you. None of you too. Yes. Um, you got some money and you got yourself a credit card. That's great as far as escaping goes. But if you don't feel like you're ready to actually leave yet. It sounds like your husband does leave you at home alone. A lot for more than enough time rights for you to do virtual sessions. Um, so I would look, maybe check therapy for black girls. Yes. Uh, first and foremost, you know, I love that resource. Love Dr. Joy for therapists who are licensed, which they all on her website will be or psychology today. That's another great resource. Um, for therapists who are licensed in your state and do telehealth. And if you can find somebody who's, you know, they all will list like their specialty stuff they work with. Um, people who have been abused domestic violence, um, in particular or like really any therapist should be able to handle this in a way that protects you as much as possible from your husband finding out about it. Um, but oh, God. I want you to see a therapist. I almost always want you to see therapist. I also feel like 90% of your problems would be gone if you weren't in this man's house. I really want her to get in front of some people. Like, yeah, you're not having any friends is a big, big one. It's a big red flag. Well, it's a big problem because it sounds like you're being isolated, which means it's easier for the abuse to continue. It's what abuse 101. It's a, it's much easier to keep the abuse going when you don't have support system friends or anybody nearby that you can say, Hey, this is happening to me. Like people, you don't have anybody to help you. You have to sort of pull this all off on your own. Um, so and I got an auntie who left the nigga in the, during the work day. Uh huh. That nigga left for work. Yeah. And, and she packed their shit up and yeah, it was like we getting a fuck. Yeah. Because she found out that nigga was smoking crack. And so, therefore, yeah, you know, and I have to go, did that shit in eight hours? Me and my kids got to go. I can't have you in the, and then you're raising two sons. And this is like twofold, right? A, you don't want to see any children. No children should see this type of abuse. There's no type of abuse. Right. They shouldn't see that. Uh huh. And then you don't want them picking up this nasty or yes, this nasty behavior and these things being said, this is really harmful. Yeah. That this nigga saying it's harmful. Yeah. And this whole, the only apologizing he accepts is via my body. That is also, that is not consensual. Right. That is not consensual. Right. That's why I said, you are being mistreated in multiple ways here. I don't like this. Um, and so it does, it absolutely sounds like you have a plan. I would love for you to be able to execute that plan as soon as possible. However, we all know that for women who are being abused, the time that they are in the most danger is when they leave. Um, because the person that they are escaping, there's actually a foundation if I may shout it out. Oh, yeah, what's it called? A sea. I believe is what it's called. A, S, I, Y, A, H. Let me just double check. Yes. The a sea of women's sensor. Now it is New York based, but that doesn't mean that they are not resources everywhere. Right. They are organizations such as the a sea of women's sensor that specifically focus on, um, helping women and children who have been an abusive relationship. Right. Right. And in our rebuilding on their own. Right. And so, you know, I would look and see what kind of, um, resources that you have at your disposal as well. And please do this as safely as possible. Right. Right. And Cognito mode. Yeah. All that, which is, I'm hoping this niggas not that smart. You know, church niggas, they get a lot for being losers. Like, that nobody wants to have that discussion yet, but church niggas get a lot for being loser as niggas. And I, so I'm hoping he's not that bright to be checking all of that stuff. But I do want you to stay on your peas and cues as far as keeping yourself safe while you're figuring out what your plan is. Right. I mean, ultimately, we can't control what another person does. Um, and if it was completely up to you, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. But, um, you're also worn the fuck out. Yeah. And the idea that because you stay at home, you should never need a break from them. Kids is so ass-knit. Is there a church daycare that he would trust? That's the thing. Even when you get away from this man, you are likely still going to have to co-parent with him in some way. Um, and then you got your own indoctrination too. You're going to have to work through it. Yeah. What the fuck are y'all a part of? You said they had finished, you Mormons. What y'all doing? Jay, let's not, let's not target specific religions. Let's just. Oh, sorry. This person wasn't specific about it. So let's just leave it up to. This is their beliefs. It's giving Mormon. But I've just. She is y'all's favorite. So all right. Um, just saying that, but so the resource Jay talked about in New York, I would look up something like that in your city or state, um, even contact them to see if they have something that's more local. That's a good idea. Domestic violence counselors and people who work with abused spouses who are trying to escape that dynamic can probably help you do something to just what we want to do is ensure your safety first and foremost. We want to make sure you can get away from this man safely and stay away from him safely. So whatever you can do to, to do that. But the fact that you're like, I feel like I need somebody to talk to so I need to spend my getaway money makes me feel like you're not really in a place yet to leave. Yeah. And only you know when that is right. And a therapist can help you figure that out. So if you need to tap into your secret savings, you should actually be able to find a therapist fairly easily since you're paying out of pocket and not going through insurance. Um, I just hate that you have to spend the money that you've been, you know, saving to get away from this man, but needs must at these women's senses. Do what? Check, check, check us out. And, and, and I don't know where you at. And I'm, and that's, that's for good reason. We'll check them. Yeah. If they know if they have a sister center or something that's near you. Um, I'm concerned for you. Is there. So I come from people who are very religious. I know that we pretty much only trusted other people in our religious community. - Is there any other moms or families at the church where you can just get a little bit of a break because like play dates, play groups, anything to where you can just kind of drop them kids off for a couple hours or even, you know, another mom comes over and their kids go play, you know, they're toddlers so somebody kind of has to keep an eye on them but anything so that the burden is not on you 24/7 unendingly. Like something to ease things up for you because you're stressed, you're tired. These kids are wearing you out, you're lonely and you don't have a support system. That's a lot working against you. That therapy doesn't necessarily fix. Like therapy can help you figure some shit out. It can't replace material support in your life. So where are your people at? I'm just curious. Jay, no, I mean, this with the old people. - Everybody don't have people. - I know, I know, I do know that. I know that, I know that. - Yeah. - I know. Just like, what a place to be in this world. - It's hard, but I'm honestly very proud of you. - Yeah. - I'm very proud of you, baby. When you said I've been listening to you long enough to start saving some money and hiding it from this nigga, I promise you my heart almost burst. - Let me tell you something, Laura. - How do you baby? - My parents been married 40 years. Still married. - Why aren't? - And they are so cute. - They are. - My mother has always told me in my sister, you don't tell no nigga all the money that you got. - Oh yeah. - You always put, you don't ever let a nigga know how much money you got. Always put something aside for yourself. - Right. - And she's still married to my father. - Right. - So, because you got love that you're in this situation. - Yes, Laura. - And you have taken heed. 'Cause this is not the use. - Right, so. - So I'm very, I wanna end on a more uplifting note. This is a sad situation. It's gonna be tricky to navigate, but I am so proud of you for recognizing that it's fucked up and making moves to get you and your children out of it. I am beyond happy that you are in this place of like, I deserve better and I'm gonna actively work towards it. So, congratulations. - Yes. - You gonna be free of that nigga? Soon, Lord willing. (laughs) - And if all those spells, peach pits, apple seeds, and pillows. - I want y'all to know that taking J's advice might land you in prison. - I didn't know I'd say what to do, any of those things. I just said, these are the things that exist in the world. - And God created them. - Yup. - Cotton, peach pits, apple seeds. - Yup, the apricot seeds. - Apricot seeds. - Just, you know, things happen sometimes. - It's nature. (laughs) - But good luck. Now, right, really rooting for you, baby. - Like the meantime. - When you're safe somewhere else, send me another email. Let me know how you got over. Amen. All right, fate of all fades. Thanks for having me again. - Girl, you're a fucking. - Delight. (laughs) - It's like sunny. - We're, what you're up to and where they can find you. - Jane, Jane, watch me suck. (laughs) - All right, all right. Email me on your business. That is gonna wrap up this week's episode of Crystalscatch. Follow us online at Crystalscatch. And if you have a question for me, send me an email at visacrystalscatch.com. We'll see you next week.