(upbeat music) Hi and welcome back to Chris's couch, the show where I answer your letters for advice and talk to the most interesting people in the world. Today I'm joined by Ari Kari. She is a celebrity marketing and PR strategist and creative director specializing in music artists and culturally relevant brands. She's the owner of a full service marketing agency delivering end-to-end marketing solutions for business owners, artists, and black creatives. Ari Kari has built a strong digital presence, earning millions of views through her content. Most notably, her vibe would break down on Mariah the scientist. She's a Charlotte, North Carolina native, equally known for her strategic expertise and her ability to read, challenge, and entertain audiences in a way that feels authentic, insightful, and fun. Ari Kari has built a reputation for making marketing feel smart, honest, and actually entertaining. So please welcome her to the couch. (cheering) Yeah, thank you for being here. Oh, this is a dream come true. Oh, please. I told you, I've loved you in a few reasons, smell and taste. It's been a long time. That's a long time, girl. That's a real throwback. Did she ever give a response or a update? Well, 'cause what can you say? What can you say? Yeah. It's embarrassing enough, you know? Yeah. That part's just gonna hide in the shadows forever. But we've just been sitting here yapping. You know, you brought Dululu hive. Yeah, I read into everything. Mother has spoken. Okay. She hasn't. The oracles being rewritten, y'all. It isn't. Oh, okay. Oh, but we've been having a good time. She's here today to help me answer some of your calls. So are you ready, girl? To get into what the people have going on? Let's get into it. All right, let's do it. All right, all right, all right, first up is Ava. Ava, are you on the line? I am. Hi, Chris. Hi, what's going on? All right, so I purchased my first home, Akando in 2023. But unfortunately for a lot of reasons, I've been pretty unhappy living here. And honestly, I have really struggled with feeling like a failure and an embarrassment to my community. Not that anyone said that, but that is how I have felt. I've gone through, you know, deep periods of intense depression through this. Unfortunately, the condom market where I currently live is not great at the moment. So if I were to sell, I would take a pretty significant financial loss. And so I'm wondering what advice you have on, you know, preventing me on trying not to make this one decision that I made, make me internalize this as, you know, feeling like I have completely failed at adulting, which is how I feel. Okay, tell me a little more about what's not working with the condo. It's a few things. One of it is the, my immediate neighborhood isn't what I thought it was when I looked at it. I came to look at this condo. I remember that weekend it was pretty snowy, so nobody was outside. It was very quiet. And that is not the actual reality. It gets pretty noisy. And in general, I just haven't enjoyed the management of my building, which of course I also didn't know before I moved in. - Right. So it's noisy and the management, are they not good at keeping up the property things like that? - Yeah. - Okay. Okay. And so I'm curious as to how this, it sounds like maybe you regret, you regret this decision to purchase, but that you're taking it really far internally. - I think I just feel like, I guess in my head it just feels like, oh, you didn't do enough research. You should have done more research on the outside, the immediate community, what things are like, where I was pretty focused on the unit itself. And even the unit itself, I knew it was small, but I didn't think that I would outgrow the size this quickly, if I'm being honest. But I think I just felt like that I was there more research. I should have talked to more people about all of these things that perhaps I didn't do enough of. - Was the condo very well priced? Is it really fit within your budget? That sort of thing? - Particularly for the time period, yes. I think additional context, because now the condo market is in a downswing, looking at prices and just seeing what you could have, what I could have bought if I had somehow been able to see into the future. - Right. - But for the time, it fit within my budget for what I needed at the time for sure. - Okay. So would you say you've been feeling depressed over this decision? - In 2020, I moved in June. Yeah, I believe I moved in end of June 2023. And honestly, from then on, probably until early 2024, I cried every single day. - Oh no. - Now it's not to that level, but there's seasons, for instance, last weekend, where I just cried all through the weekend. So it's not as intense as it used to be, but there's still moments where I just feel such intense shame, honestly, that I just, I don't know why I've struggled to, to let go of this feeling, this intense feeling, like a failure. Like there was something that other adults knew better and I just messed up and it is my fault. - I see. - Can I ask? - Of course. - Is it the house itself that's making you feel sad or is it that you chose it? Like because you made the decision and you made maybe a choice for the first time that wasn't correct or you just didn't know or things happened that you were not aware of, but you feel like because you made the decision, not because the house has these problems, that's where your frustration is coming from. - Thank you for that. I think that's a big part of it because I think about how I've rented places before that perhaps I didn't love as much, but maybe because I didn't own it, it just wasn't a niche. I think that's a huge part of it that because I made this decision, no one else made it for me, I did. And it hasn't worked that as I would have hoped that I am honestly taking a lot of the blame. I sometimes have to remind myself that I did work with the realtor that I trusted who I, she knew this was my first time purchasing a home. I hoped that she would have shared if there was anything that wasn't savoury about the neighborhood that she would have told me, but yeah. I think a big part of it is because I made this decision. - I see. So what have your friends and family had to say about your condo? What are their remarks like? - It's been pretty positive. I remember my mom doesn't leave him Nigerian and my mom came to visit a few years ago and that was, I was dreading it because look, African parents did not mean to words. And I was really afraid of what she would say and you know, she came and she was like, it's not even as small as I thought it would be from all that you've said. And I just laughed because I don't think she understood just how much pressure, like how afraid I was of what she would say. My friends have been here. The things that I noticed, they don't seem to notice. And they've been really, they've honestly been really encouraging. I will say, no one has ever made me feel the way that I feel about it all. - So it sounds like you're really being hard on yourself for this to a degree that is unfair to you. - I know. - Yeah. - Yeah, well, and making one wrong decision, like I'm in the wrong apartment for three years. So we're all gonna choose something but I think the beauty in it is that you had the choice. So many people don't have the choice to buy a condo or to buy a home because they can't afford it. So I think the fact that the choice was even there is an accomplishment within itself. And you know, you maybe bought a home that you don't like. Someone did crack rock. Like people are doing lots of things. - All right. - That could be way worse. I promise you. - I agree that, you know, as far as like decision-making goes. - It could be so much worse. - You could make way worse choices than this first. - But I think where my focus is that it sounds like there's a voice that's really hard on you to the point where if you're not perfect, then everything is useless or worthless. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, she's crying. I'm just wondering who told you you had to be perfect at all things at all times? Oh. - Sorry. - And it might come from your mother. It may be it comes from religion, but we're not meant to get everything right. And sometimes you make the right decision and then it changes over time 'cause you got more information, but you're not gonna do it.
do everything right because it's impossible. And I hope that's freeing to you to know you did the best you had with the information you were given. - I also don't necessarily think it's even a wrong decision. Like I, you know, this isn't something that is going to permanently change your life. The market will swing back in the other direction. If you outgrow this place, it can be sold. You can buy another one. You know, it's not a permanent part of your life, but it feels like you're really beating yourself up for this. So I'm wondering if you have somebody in your life that you can talk to about the amount of pressure you're putting on yourself because I'm sure you're very brilliant in a calm, you have a lot of books in your home. So I know you smart. So I'm sure you're brilliant and accomplished in other ways, but maybe it's hard for you to see or feel that right now because you feel so crushed by the disappointment maybe that you feel in yourself. Does that sound accurate? - Oh, 100%. - Oh. - I have a PhD. - Girl. - I'm in a hangar. - I'm in a hangar. - I'm in a hangar. - Girl. - But I don't, I mean, I generally, I mean, of course, I have my therapist that I talk to it. You know, again, it's in waves, but sometimes it still gets so intense of just, I don't know why I've done this to myself or just feeling like, am I making the littles, my nieces, my nephews, my god daughters. Am I somehow living a life that they would be proud of? - Oh, oh my god, you have a whole PhD. - Yeah. You have a beautiful life. And I know they would be proud of it. - But hey, me. - Like, you know, I think getting the wrong house, of course I understand it's upsetting, but they will be proud of you. Even if you just told them, I made an extra sandwich today. - I think culturally, you mentioned your Nigerian, every Nigerian person I know has been taught to reach for the stars. And if you get anything less than the moon, then you have failed. And so maybe there's something culturally there that has you putting a lot of pressure on yourself, especially the women. But I think you could really benefit from changing the way you talk to yourself. It sounds like you're beating yourself up for this. And you don't deserve it. It looks like a lovely home and may not be, you know, what you would want for yourself long term or permanently. But, you know, I just, I really want to remind you that you are doing an incredible job. Do you know most Americans can't even read at like a high school graduate level? Like we legit cannot even read. You are, you have accomplished so many things in your life. You've gotten to a place like Ari said where you can't even buy a home. And so maybe some additional perspective in that way, not necessarily saying, you know, oh, well, I shouldn't feel this way because I have all these other things. But like, because then you shame yourself for having the feelings. So we don't want to, we don't need to add any more shame here. You're feeling plenty of that. What we want to do is balance out that shame by taking a look at what is real and reminding yourself of that. Like this isn't a permanent decision that you can't get out of, first of all. But secondly, there's no way that this one decision erases all of the good that you've done or all the things that you've accomplished in your life. - Yes. - And you know, you don't have to impress them kids, but I'm sure they are impressed by you. I'm sure they are, I'm sure they are. What? - She has all the snacks at her home. - Okay, I know they're impressed. - Look at these bugs. - Yes. - I would have, if you were my auntie, I would be over there like, and I'll be in my reading corner. Reading books and being proud of you for owning your home and having a PhD and doing all the things you're doing. A black woman having her own period. I'm gonna celebrate you every single time. So I'm glad to hear that you're working with a therapist. I would really encourage you to, when you notice those self-defeating thoughts kicking up, to just try to reframe them to change that voice or to introduce a new voice that says, you know, you're really beating me up. Like I don't have a whole last PhD. Like I'm not a whole last bad bitch out here. - You're that bitch for real. - Maybe come up off of me. You know? - Exactly. - I'm not in prison. I'm not going to see Chris Brown on tour. - You could be a baby mama right now. - Nice to meet. - Right now you could be pregnant. - You need to talk nice to me. You need to talk nice. - Because I've done incredible things too. And you're being a little unfair. You're taking it a little far with the meanness. Whatever that voice is, wherever it came from, you deserve to shut it down. - Thank you. - Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for calling into the show. Take good care of yourself. - Thank you. - Keep working with that therapist. And congratulations. - Thank you for everything. Thank you. - I'm so honored to read over here. - Oh. - Thank you baby. I appreciate you calling into the show. - All right. - Thank you. - Bye. - Bye. - Oh my goodness. All right, can you believe that? - She was so sweet. - Was it she? - Beautiful girl. - Okay. - For just books behind her. - This is what I'm saying. - And books are expensive. Paper is $5. (laughing) I said, oh she's rich. - You over there counting it up. Like, what do you do for work? Can I hold a dollar? - Baby. - But see, that's the sort of pressure Black women put on ourselves. And like I said, some of it can be cultural. I know you also mentioned, like, listen, I got Caribbean family. And I know with that pressure and that guilt is like, yes. So we can really be super hard on ourselves. And you can be brilliant, beautiful, so accomplished, PhD and all. - Right. - And still feel like it's not good enough because you made one choice that you feel is a mistake. - And I hope that she knows there are so many other things she could have did wrong. She's doing an amazing job. - I think you illustrated that. - I mean, it could have been, but she could be pregnant. - Okay. - I'm gonna keep it. - It's not wrong. Well, it depends. (laughing) - I'm like, well. - But you know, yes, there are things in this life that you can't just snap your fingers and get out of. And not saying that that would necessarily be an easy process, but she's definitely beating herself up unnecessarily. So good luck, Ava. We're rooting for you, baby. - We're rooting for you. We're all rooting for you. (laughing) - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you could permanently delete one thing from your brain, what would it be? This might sound kind of silly. And in the grand scheme of my life, it probably is, but I did have a failed romantic encounter earlier this year that really triggered me in like my deepest places. And it's been harder than I thought it would to bounce back from that. I let it take up way too much mental space for way too long before I finally just broke past the shame and talked to my therapist about it. And I'm very glad I did, because now I'm definitely moving on and feeling better, but it was quite the emotional journey to get here. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, consider BetterHelp. They have thousands of licensed experience professionals who can help you work through whatever may be holding you back. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you. All you have to do is complete a short questionnaire to help them identify your needs and preferences so you can get right to the work of focusing on your therapy goals. 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trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without distress. You might have been thinking that Wayfair only had furniture, but no. They also have thousands of home decor products across every style and budget, no matter if you're fully finishing a home for the first time or just looking to add certain holiday pieces for this year's festivities. I found a beautiful Lajardin embossed stoneware egg plate that I will absolutely be pulling out for my devil eggs this Thanksgiving thanks to Wayfair. And refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's w-a-y-f-a-i-r dot com. Wayfair every style, every home. Alright, up next we have Kadeja. Are you ready to talk to her? Yes, I can't. Okay. Okay, so we have Kadeja on the line. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm good. What's going on? Oh, just things, so okay, hi, I'm Kadeja, a black lady of my 30s and I've been dating a gender nonconformal person also in their 30s and for about a year and it's been going fine for the year. It's been lovely getting to know them and hearing commonalities and everything has been great. But recently I had noticed a while back that some of their text messages had started becoming a little less frequent, a little less loving, it felt like a pullback of energy. And one thing that I told them early on from when we were dating was that they needed to be up front with me if feelings changed. I've had a past before relationship where it was very vague and left me in the dark and I hate feeling like that. So turns out that that's what they were doing to me. We had a talk that they set up with me in person and told me that within that time that I was feeling the energy pullback, they were going through their own thing with wrestling with the fact that I was reminding them of their mother at times, specifically the last time that we were together and they mentioned that their, my silhouette had been, had reminded them of my perfume, the way that I smile. And they said it had nothing to do with me, particularly nothing that I could do, but they are going to go into therapy and try and figure it out. And hopefully we can still remain friends, but they can't date me or be physical anymore. And if they could figure out what they have going on in therapy, then they'll try and work things out with me dating wise. So I'm just wondering if I fall into a friendship like they're offering and if there's even a chance that a dating could happen in the future because of after this. Right. Well, do you still want to date them? Yeah. Like I do, I do, yes, in a way, but this is a big thing to try and get over. Yes. Because they said it's not about me, but they kept rattling things off that are about me that triggered them. So it's tough to get past that. Uh-huh. Yeah. Well, just because they're naming characteristics that belong to you doesn't mean it's about you. It is genuinely about them and whatever they have going on. And it may be that those things remind them of their mother, those things about you. But that doesn't mean that it, the issue is you, the issue is whatever they have going on internally or whatever their relationship is like with their mother. But I can see how that would be extremely off-putting. And this offer of like being friends, how did, how did that feel when you first heard that because you give me a face like, yes, that was terrible. Right. Who, who, who we and stuff because I'm a cry, but like, yeah, I really dated them slow in order to try and build up the relationship right because I'm a love of a girl. So I was really trying to get to know them. And so for this to come up and I feel like they kind of backtracked on one of the basic things that I mentioned, like don't be vague with me. They held this back from me for days, it was two weeks of me wondering why is this energy pulling back before they actually said something. So I feel a little bit trail there with their communication because that was one of the things I liked about them the most is that they were so open to me, so they were keeping that. So that too, I need that to be improved. Can I ask how long you dated this person or a year, right? About a year, a year, a year, okay, I'm not as eloquent as crystal. So one, I think a year is a long time and that's a lot to invest emotionally, especially if you're, you know, really putting your heart out there. However, one year down the drain is better than the rest of your life with the wrong person. And, you know, I don't understand why someone who loves you would also be comparing you to their mother and be like, hey, I can't be with you in a way and why would they want to fuck their mom? Like, it's a lot of things that don't make no sense. Yeah, like what? I'm confused. And that's a thing too, I want to be clear, like they don't have a good relationship with their mom. Right. It's a terrible one. Right. They haven't been. Like, excepting of them on their gender identity and things like that. So that's the thing too. It's like their mother sounds horrible, but with the, I mean, I know we're near all of that. So it's like not even that fact can get you over. And they said that it hasn't been in a sexual way, which is why they use the term edipist complex. But that's what that means is sexual. So I think it's just the reminder. Yeah. I can't think of that for them. It's too much. I'm in my fix. Yeah. And I mean, not to mention, your silhouette was the same a year ago. So how is it just now turning into like some sort of issue where you need to go talk to somebody about it? Correct. And then they said perfume was something like big box store perfume that their mom wear and I don't wear that just designer. So now now I'm offended. Yeah. How dare you accuse me of wearing some cheap. I'm so real. But yeah, so I just, I don't want to jump into it and then also have my feelings. So I do someone hope that we get back together. Yeah. But I definitely want them to get through that. And I'm just wondering what even a process would be for them getting through that. How long that would take? Because I don't want to wait around either. Yes. And that's exactly what I was going to say. And you shouldn't like you absolutely should not be putting your life on hold while this person figures out whatever it is they have going on. But the betrayal is still there and the hurt is still there. And it's not even just about this person. You've had a similar experience before. So this is bringing up old wounds and it could be stuff connected to not even just previous relationships, but you know, your younger adulthood, teenage childhood years and and stuff like that. So it's not just this one instance is how it all connects to your life and and makes it a bigger thing for you to have to face and deal with. So I'm curious how you've been handling your feelings. I mean, I just, I let myself pride and whatnot. I'm recently medicated too. So that's been helpful. But I mean, I just, I have a friend group that I talk to and have shared things with. And past that, I really do want to have just more in-depth conversation with the person to see more details because when they were telling me this, I'm just taking it in crying and want to leave. Yeah. Yeah. I did not have any at the time. So I feel that. Yes. Yeah. We need to have another talk. Yeah. So genuinely, I don't just want to cut them out, I just care about what they're going through. It's not like they didn't do anything and do anything to me, but it's like, it just sucks. So, like I still have compassion for them, but I don't want to not date them. But I don't want to be made a fool. When, when did you all have this conversation about everything ending? There you go. When did you all have this conversation about everything ending? Oh, and this was like last month. Yeah. Okay. So it's fresh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, okay. So it still hurts. Okay. So then it makes sense that you're still dealing with your feelings about it and that your feelings are still very tender. I'm wondering what you think a conversation with them is going to solve here. Or what is it going to make better? Mm-hmm. For me, it's a genuine understanding about it because if, if you're saying that it's not about me, but you described me, that's what's hard to disconnect to, then I, I need to know why is it the case that you think you need to cut off?
us still getting to know each other and trying to build a life together potentially. I have to talk these things through and then tell more about how I feel about it and what position it put me in 'cause I didn't get to do much talking about that either. - Do you hope for reconciliation in that talk? - I mean, not immediately back like nothing ever happened. But maybe to try for the friendship that they're talking about, yeah. It's definitely required for even a possibility. - Well, I'm of the opinion that when our feelings are this raw, we really owe it to ourselves to make what's best for us our top priority. And I understand why you wanna have the conversation 'cause it seems like that that might provide some information that would be really helpful for you to like sort of move on and get through this. But at the same time, if that hope of reconciliation is in the back of your mind, it may also be that you all come to the end of this combo. Y'all are still separated and your feelings are even more hurt. It could be that you're just picking off the scab that's been trying to grow and the hurt is coming back completely anew. - So I just think that, you know, it's important to let yourself feel this. I hope you're not numbing it with alcohol or weed or anything like that. You really gotta let yourself. (laughing) Trust me, trust me. I know exactly what this is like when you get your hopes up about somebody and you feel excited and you think, you know, this might really be something. And then just out of nowhere, it's over. That's so hard to deal with. But I don't know that a conversation with them is going to be what helps you the most. And I don't know that a friendship is even - Yes. - What you, what would be a good idea for you at this point because your feelings for them are not strictly platonic. - Yeah. - Right. - Yeah. I think you probably need a few more months of healing before a friendship is even possible. I think that part of your brain that wants them back is gonna be kicking and screaming the whole time. But I get it. I get it. I do. I understand. - Thank you. I'm, yeah. It's, it's, oh. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That was all I wanted. - Oh my goodness. - Yeah. I get it. I do. And I'm wishing you the best of luck and listen. If you decide to go have that conversation, email me back because I'm sure we'll get the part too. - Because I'm sure there will be a follow-up if you decide to go have this company to be like, you were right. Oh my God. - Yeah. - If you were going to be right, I'll give it to you. - Yes. - It's fine. - But you know, it sounds like you're doing a good job of taking care of your feelings. I just want you to try your atizing that because you deserve that. And your ex-partner is not going to be in a position to put you first. Only you are. - Yes. And in the interim, in the extra time you have, maybe try some new hobbies, try some new things. I don't know if you want to, you know, maybe try a pottery. Well, there is that. You know, try skating. Go out, put on a cute outfit. Get your love. - Yes, yes. - Responsibly. You know, go out with your friends. - Put on some red. - Put on some red and go flirt. - Yes. - Put on some red. - You're super cool. - You know, you know, you know, the bitches don't wear heels no more. - Don't. - Don't. - Show them. - Show them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Whatever you got to do. Listen, baby. Spring is here. - Mm-hmm. - The temperature's going up. - It's about to be summer. - Yeah. I was right. Go, you know, put yourself out there. Go do other things. But remember that only you can guard and protect your heart. - Yes. - Yes. - I'm sorry. You're hurting. I know how it is. And I'm wishing you the best, baby. - Thank you. - Good luck, Kadeezha. - Thank you. - Bye. - I'll wait for bye. - Oh my goodness. - Oh. - Bless Kadeezha. - She was so sweet. - Okay. And hurting. I mean, haven't we all been in that situation, though? - Yes. I'm in it right now. - Same. - Yes. - Where it's like, damn, I thought this was going to work out. And then here you go. Changing your mind. - It's like the, you know, the past memories and the future of the past. - Yeah. - And everything just kind of gone. - Right. - I definitely feel for her. But I hope she puts on a sickening dress. - Okay. - Goes out. Listen to some music you like. - Yes. - Maybe you have a little shot or two responsibly. And have a time. Call your whole world. - Yes. - Call your girls. - And don't put on Mariah the Scientist. Put on May. Put on Candy Man. - Put on Candy Man. - Oh my god. Put on Candy Man. - Put on Candy Man. - Put on Candy Man. - Candy Man is perfect for this. - Yes. - Yes. You've got to have a balance between sitting there feeling your feelings. Yes. Sometimes you're going to cry. You're going to be angry and all that. But then you also have to get yourself out there and rejoin the world. - I did it. - Because one monkey don't stop. No show. - Put on Mona Leo. - Okay. - That's the one. - Not that love song about her husband. The rest of it. - The rest of it. - Oh, Candy Man. I'm wishing you the best baby. But this is kind of universal heartbreak. We've all been there and it's just a part of life. So we had some fun talking to these people live. Didn't we? Do you have anything you want to ask me before we wrap up? Our time together. What's up, girl? - Now I get to have my moment. - You do questions. - I need the advice. - Okay. Recently I was, you know, I have tons of jobs, whatever. And a coworker called a big meeting. And everyone came in. This actually happened yesterday. - Okay. - And he's kind of like the general manager. And he called everyone in. And I thought it was this big important meeting. I'm like, I'll have to take off from my day job to be here. Just for us to be there for 10 minutes for him to embarrass me. And he pulled an audio recording because I did something. - No. - And mind you. Everyone there is like, why are we here for this? - Right. - And he's just blaming me. Like, mind you, he's a white man. Everybody else here is black. But he's like, lashing. - What? - Lashings in front of everyone. - And I'm like, you know, and thankfully, I'm very good at being stoic when I'm shocked. - Okay. - Shout out to my Caribbean upbringing. - Okay. - Shout out to my mama. - You'll never see it on my face. - You'll never know. - I know that's right. - And you to the point where he looked at me and like started laughing. And I was like, oh, why are you laughing? He was like, you don't have a reaction. You don't have nothing to say. I was like, no, I don't have a reaction. And then he like left. And then one of the guys that was there. He was like, so we just came to watch him blame Ari in front of us. - What? - He walked out and was like, yeah, anyway, y'all have a good day. You know, you know, you did a bitch when you caused all this conversation. - Right. - You got to call a whole meatit for me. But I have to go back there next week. - Okay. - And I don't know what to do. And the person that helped him to do this is someone I work with directly every time I'm there. - Okay. But this man is your boss. - Yes. - Okay. - He's all of our boss. - Okay. - And again, he's a white man, everyone else's black. - Got you. So does he have somebody he reports to or he's like the CEO? - I don't know. I don't think so, though. - Okay. - Because everyone was like, oh, if he's calling a meeting, it's important. - Got you. - And I didn't know what the, no one knew what the meeting was for. - Okay. - So I'm like, oh, wanna lock. Hi, hey, everyone. And then boom. - So the purpose was just to embarrass you? - To get to humble me. I don't know to make me feel bad. Or I guess sometimes to maybe I'm bigger than I thought. So this is like, you will never be bigger than the program here. - Oh, wow. - So, but there was no like disciplinary, no follow-up, no like I'm putting you on a, some sort of written warning or anything. It was just-- - That's the gap. Am I being fired? No. - What? - So all this was just like to do. - Literally just to try to humble me. - And I don't know when I have to go back there next week what I'm gonna do. - Okay. - Yeah. So I think in this case, I would schedule a meeting with him. I would email him or his assistant and be like, I think you and I need to talk privately. The same way we, don't say this part, but the same way you could have just had a meeting with me privately if you had an issue, white man, but don't say that part. - I felt so dull on the inside. I'm like, I've seen him so many times. - Yeah. - He could have just said something. - Right. - But no, he purposefully called everyone and everyone we worked with to be like, you did this wrong. - All hands all called to make sure. - Like it was all his. I'm like, wow. - Yeah. - I would try to get on his calendar and be like, me and you need to have, even if it's just a 15, 20 minute check in, we need to have a conversation about that meeting and what the purpose was because I still don't understand. I don't understand what the purpose of this was and I don't understand why you went about it in that way. - So publicly. - Right. Do you think this is the sort of thing where you all can have a conversation and you won't feel awkward at the office anymore? Or are you like, I'll never get over this and I'll never forgive you. - I'm probably never forgiving. - I'll be honest. - Because it kind of, you know, I lead where I'm a genuine person. - Yeah. - I treat people a certain way. - Right. - But that doesn't mean everyone else is. - So true. - Especially in certain corporate environments or whatever. People feel like you're beneath me. - Yeah. - Or if you're doing too well, I got to remind you of your place. - Oh, yeah. - You know, it's just unfortunate. But it's like, I still got to come here. - Right. - So I don't know what to do. - Right. And you know, the economy's terrible. So it's not as easy as just quit that job. - Who you telling? I'll put a girl with the house.
- I'm like, "Oh, my house is terrible. Girl, put me in it. Give it to me. Let me step into your office." - You're like, "Ava, girl, I'll take it." - Call me today. - Yeah, I'm gonna try to, if I were you, I would try to have a meeting with him to be like, "Let's, let's, let's, I don't want to have a attitude with you, but I'm really not understanding the purpose of that meeting or why we went about it that way. So if I could just sit down in front of you so we could have a one-on-one, so I can figure out what the goal is here. Because if you were trying to correct a mistake or get me to adjust my behavior, there are much better ways of going about it, which he, as a boss, should know, doesn't sound like he's that great of a leader. - No. - I would honestly, I would try to have a meeting, that meeting's probably gonna be unproductive. And then I would just stay out of his way as much as possible and make sure I'm on my peace and cue. So he don't have another reason to come at me crazy until I can find another job. - I know this, right? - I'm sorry, though, 'cause I would be pissed. And it feels like he did it just to see you look, like he wanted to see you look sad or angry or whatever, like he wanted that reaction. - He was begging for it, and I wasn't gonna give it. - Oh, bullshit. - I wasn't gonna give it, but it was just like, you know, I think it's because I was so taken aback 'cause I genuinely didn't know what we were there for and I never would have seen this coming. But I think it also shows me, maybe I am bigger than I think. You gotta call 20 people in a room for me. - Oh, that's for me? - You know, I get that bitch. - When you cause all this conversation, your house, no, y'all can't fuck with me. - Maybe he's intimidated by you and your success. Maybe he feels threatened by that. Maybe he wants to make you feel small so like you'll stay in your place. - He's upset because my knees don't have arthritis. Like, he's miserable. (laughing) That's what he's upset about. - Sorry, you're mad 'cause I'm not old, chill out. - I'm telling you, yeah, I still have all my hair. That's what you're pissed about. (laughing) - Yeah, we do. - Oh girl, that's a mess. Hopefully y'all can come to some sort of understanding to where the workplaces are awkward for you. But, you know, and that white man in charge of a bunch of black people don't get me started on that dynamic right? - Yeah, I didn't want to say it. - It gave it, it gave it, I said a word, but he gave it. I said, oh, you know, he gave what's your name. - Y'all talk about Michelle Trusted and Ego, put your trust in white people. (laughing) - What a mess. - That's the one I'm confused with. - Girl, I'm sorry. - Horrible. - It's always a white man. - And he played with you. - And I thought he was nice. - Right. - So I'm like, oh, he's really nice. He told me about his biracial children. I was like, oh, you're interesting. - It's been a weird time. - Yeah, try to have that conversation, but you already know how to move around him now. He's showing you his true colors. So, just don't forget that. Just always keep that in the back of your mind. You know what this man is capable of. - But, Crystal, thank you so much for having my show. - No, thank you, you. - I am so honored. - I truly look up to you so much and I'm just so grateful to have gotten this opportunity. I kept saying I feel like Cinderella. - Oh, I'm wearing blue. - I'm pretty pretty. - I'm pretty pretty, Rodgers and Hammers. - I'm so cute. - Who's Whitney Houston? Where is that Asian man that I'm gonna be with? - Oh, yes, where's your Asian prince? - Where's my Asian prince? - Yeah, 'cause I'm his mom, whoopee. (laughing) - Bye. - All right. - Oh my God, Rikari, please tell the people where they can find you. - You can follow me at IAMRECari on Instagram and I am Rikari one on TikTok and the step into my office friend podcast is coming soon. - Mm-hmm, yeah. - You can catch her making Dululu half comments on TikTok, trying to investigate everything Beyonce does 'cause she's one of, see, here she goes. - It's happening, she just talked to us. - Okay. - And I feel like this is her giving us a sign. - I got a wound up. - Don't get my eye, I'm just gonna start going across. I'll be like, oh my goodness. - I'm feral. - All right, y'all. Thank you for tuning in. This sweet to Crystal's couch. You can follow us online at Crystal's couch. And if you have a question for me, please send me an email at
[email protected]. We'll see you next week.
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